Season Two, Bonus: “OZ-9 REJECTED” (PART ONE)
TRANSCRIPT
SFX: Crickets chirping
NARRATOR
It’s a cold and moonless night here in French Lick, Indiana, where the town is currently witnessing a kind of silent invasion. A veritable grab bag of strangers, with strange motivations and strange mannerisms...actually is strange the word? Maybe stupid. Yup, that’s it: stupid. Let’s not call them strangers, let’s call them stupiders. Because they are. Think of the stupidest person you’ve ever met. Now brain them with a rock. Got that? Wait a moment. These aren’t our usual bumper crop of Gated Galaxies rejects or dim witted Oz-9 crew members...
SFX: THE SHUFFLING OF PAPERS
NARRATOR
The Extraordinary Missions Force? My God, did I finally get a new gig? Alright, pull yourself together, you were born for this. Uh, folks, why don’t you take a listen to...whatever’s going on in French Lick, and I’ll get back to you.
INT. CAVE NEAR FRENCH LICK
SFX: Footsteps on hard rock.
SKIP
I can’t believe we’re in French Lick, Indiana!
MACKENZIE
I can’t believe there actually is a French Lick, Indiana. Skip, when you told me about it I thought we had another Butt Montana situation.
BOWDEN
I once booked a voice over for a documentary about French Lick.
GLORIA
Ooh, Bowden! We should have watched it for mission prep!
BOWDEN
Gloria, you always say the right thing. Unfortunately the distributor yanked it as “indecent.”
MACKENZIE
Skip, why did you bring us into the worst state, into its worst town, into its worst resort, into a hole?
SKIP
It’s not a hole, McGrath. It’s a cave!
MACKENZIE
Ugh. A cave is a hole trying to sound spiffy.
GLORIA
We’re pretty deep underground. Do you think we can still radio out?
SKIP
I’d better check. Section Chief Anders? Do you read?
SFX: RADIO BURST
ZELDA (ON COMMS)
What? Oh! Yes! Zelda here. I read you.
SKIP
Are you all right, Section Chief?
ZELDA (ON COMMS)
I’m fine. I will continue to monitor the situation remotely.
MACKENZIE
Uh huh. You’re not “remotely monitoring” the situation from the hotel spa, are you?
ZELDA (ON COMMS)
I can neither confirm nor deny that. Anders out. Enrique, don’t forget my tight hamstring.
SFX: STATIC BURST
SKIP
Chief Anders’s informants suggest that criminal mastermind Athena O’Brien has been spotted in the area.
MACKENZIE
What in God’s name would she want in this place? There’s nothing here but rich people and kitsch people.
BOWDEN
If that failed documentary taught me anything, it’s that this town is a hotbed of paranormal activity.
MACKENZIE
Oh come on!
GLORIA
It’s true. My cousin came here for the golf, and six weeks later they found his fillings in a compost pile.
MACKENZIE
That is total crap.
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Oh yes?
MACKENZIE
AAAAAAH!
GLORIA
Freeze! Who are you?
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Sheffield. Mrs. Sheffield. I think the question is...who are you, MARIE ANTOINETTE? No? Napoleon?
SKIP
Does she think I’m Napoleon? Ooo!
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Oh la la la. This isn’t the French Revolution, is it? This time travel business is rather tricky without my walking stick. I’ve fallen into a bit of a time slip, I’m afraid. And if you never seen me in my time slip, it’s...(purrs, howls)...anyhoo.
GLORIA
I’m afraid to ask, but...time slip?
MRS. SHEFFIELD
You’re from my past and I’m from your future. This is not rocket science.
GLORIA
No, it’s temporal physics.
MACKENZIE
Skip, do you think she’s with Athena O’Brien?
BOWDEN
She does talk a lot like a brainwashed-then-re-brainwashed Oceanologist.
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Oceanology? Did you say...Oceanology? Perhaps I have landed in the right time after all! Ha ha!
SKIP
What do you know about Oceanology?
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Perhaps you should follow me...I do believe there’s someone skulking around here with some connections to that ancient religion...
GLORIA
She must mean Athena!
BOWDEN
This is our chance to finally nab her!
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Come along. Pip pip! (Hums "Sing as We Go"/"Sit on my Face")
SKIP
Let’s be quick! Whatever reason she had to come to French Lick, you know it can’t be good. Come on, team, let’s go be the greatest spies we can be!
NARRATOR
Well, this is a refreshing change of pace! Spies! International intrigue! Finally, I can show my range! (Clears throat) Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents, the backups -
SFX: A DRONE FLIES IN
NARRATOR
Huh? A drone?
SFX: TAPE CLICKS ON
MISSION VOICE
Good evening, Mr. Narrator.
NARRATOR
What is this? I’m the only disembodied voice around here!
MISSION VOICE
I think you’ll find this is my territory.
MUSIC: MASH-UP THEME MUSIC!
NARRATOR
Ugggghhhhh this is gonna be a long one, Space Monkeys.
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected and Oz-9. The crossover. Tonight’s episode: “Oz-9: Rejected”
INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE CAVE
SFX: FOOTSTEPS IN THE CAVE
CHET
Just a little farther, Athena darling, and the present of your dreams is all yours!
ATHENA
This better be good, Chet. I’ve spent way too much time in caves and this one is particularly...loamy.
CHET
My information comes from a rock-solid lead.
ADMIRAL
Indeed it does, Mr. Doe! My neural wavelengths are finely tuned treasure seekers, constantly scanning the nooks and crannies of the ethereal plane! (SNIFFS) Plus, I have a super sniffer.
CHET
...okay it’s a pretty solid lead.
ATHENA
There is NOTHING solid about The Admiral.
ADMIRAL
Found it! Never doubt an Oceanologist’s nasal passages!
ATHENA
...www...www...www...
CHET
That...is...
ADMIRAL
A gold replica of the Greek God Pluto! Proof positive that Zeerox gave the human mind not only the power to conceive of unadulterated perfection, but to craft it into existence! May he be praised!
ATHENA
Greek mythology? Gag me with a Gorgoneion.
CHET
It’s a gold plated devil pirate in a onesie.
ATHENA
It’s the TACKIEST thing I have ever seen and I’ve been forced to watch the entire Lord Nero of the Planet Lesbos movie. Twice.
ADMIRAL
This resort is built on a site of untapped psychic energy, baked into the living rock by eons of exposure to ley line crossings, disintegrating cosmic rays, and a failed nuclear power plant, creating a doorway through time and space! They also used to give great spa treatments here back in the nineteen-aughts, for two bits!
CHET
ADMIRAL, I’M GONNA FRACKING KILL YOU.
ADMIRAL
Now, now! Follow Pluto’s outstretched arm, my friends...right to this door!
ATHENA
This wall of solid rock.
CHET
You said it’d be a door.
ADMIRAL
Just a moment.
SFX: THE ADMIRAL OPENS A CASE
CHET
Is that a cane?
ADMIRAL
Technically, it’s a walking stick.
ATHENA
Please tell me we’re not going to have to carry your frail eight hundred year old backside out of a cave in French Lick--
SFX: ENERGY SPARKS
CHET
Whoa! It’s a battery powered cane!
ADMIRAL
And if I touch this positively charged walking stick to this ion soaked wall...
SFX: SPARKS! A DOORWAY TO TIME AND SPACE OPENS.
ADMIRAL
THEN THE DOORWAY OPENS TO US!
CHET
Woah! That’s one magic cane!
ADMIRAL
Not quite. It belongs to an old friend, one who told me long ago to be in this exact place at this exact time.
MRS. SHEFFIELD
And you were always so good at following orders. Such a good boy, H.R.R.
ADMIRAL
Mrs. Sheffield?! My Daisy Buchanan!
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Thank you for holding onto this for me. It’s just what I need to get myself home.
SFX: THE REST OF THE TEAM RUNNING IN
SKIP
Freeze, Athena!
ATHENA
Oh, awesome, Skip Granger. This present gets better and better, Chet.
SKIP
You too, Phillips.
CHET
Sounding real authoritative there, Skip-o! This is always a fun dance.
ADMIRAL
MY GOD. Mrs. S? Is that really you?
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Admiral H.R.R. Fletcher. How long as it been?
ADMIRAL
Oh, it was nineteen twenty something, wasn’t it? We were dancing the Charleston, if I recall. Charleston! Charleston! Made in Carolina!
CHET
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
MRS. SHEFFIELD
And he looks exactly as he did in the Hoover administration.
GLORIA
But you just said you were from the future.
MRS. SHEFFIELD
I also said I was unstuck in time. Do keep up. I’m on a bit of a secret mission to ensure future events unfold correctly.
BOWDEN
This all makes sense in a terrifying nightmare sort of way.
MACKENZIE
No it doesn’t! Not even a little!
SKIP
Alright. Enough chit chat, we’ll sort this out back at EMF. Stand down, Admiral!
ADMIRAL
NEVER! The re-appearance of Mrs. Sheffield, the yin to my almighty yang, the Dharma to my Greg -
MRS. SHEFFIELD
The tit to your tat?
ADMIRAL
Is proof the Oceanologists are about to rise from the ashes! This door clearly controls passage between various iterations of time and space across reality. And it’s all for me to conquer!
MRS. SHEFFIELD
No, my overeager Triton, I need you to give me back my walking stick - and then take your considerable wealth and found a company called Gated -
ADMIRAL
FOR THE OCEAN!
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Oh bugger.
SFX: THE ADMIRAL TAKES A RUNNING LEAP AT THE DOOR
SKIP
No! You’re not getting away from me again!
SFX: THE COSMIC RAYS OF TIME POUR FROM THE DOOR
MACKENZIE
Skip! Where are you? I can’t see anything!
BOWDEN
Now THAT’S a spotlight!
ADMIRAL
GLORIOUS!
GLORIA
Bowden?
BOWDEN
I’m here, grab my hand.
CHET
Athena, step back! I don’t like the looks of this. Here, grab my hand!
ATHENA
That’s not my hand. You reverse centaur.
ADMIRAL
To infinity and beyond!
SKIP
EMF, with me!
GLORIA
Skip, wait, we can’t see where you’re going-- AHHHH--
SKIP
WHOOOOOOAHHHHH!!!!!
THE EMF AND THE ADMIRAL
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--
SFX: ZZZHHHOWWWPP! THEN SILENCE.
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Ohhhhh. Ugh. Sigh.
ATHENA
What happened to the Admiral?
MRS. SHEFFIELD
He’s gone. And the dolt took my walking stick with him. Hard to say what happens next, but I can assure you, we don’t want to be here for it. Come along, we should make ourselves scarce.
ATHENA
Oh no. We’re not going anywhere with you, Scary Poppins.
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Very well, if you prefer to get caught up in an unsolvable time paradox, have fun tying yourselves up in knots.
ATHENA
Listen up, Dame Judi Dense! I don’t know who you think you are, but I’M Athena O’Brien and I call the shots.
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Fine. What do YOU think we should do, my curdled Greek Yogurt?
ATHENA
I think we should take cover and assess our next move.
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Capital. Lead on.
CHET
But where did everyone go?
MRS. SHEFFIELD
Oh pretty boy, we just haven’t got the time.
INT. TIME TUNNEL
SFX: WOOOOSH! TRAVELING THROUGH TIME AND SPACE. THE EMG GANG SCREAMING.
BOWDEN
OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING?
MACKENZIE
IT’S SOME KIND OF VORTEX?
SKIP
IT’S LIKE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS SPINNING AROUND US!
GLORIA
SKIP, LOOK OUT! THERE’S A GROUP OF PEOPLE HEADED RIGHT FOR US!
SFX: THE OZ-9 CREW APPROACHING FROM THE OTHER DIRECTION
JESSIE
WHAT IN THE NAME OF ROBERT THE BRUCE IS GOING ON?
SKIP
OH NO, IT’S SOME KIND OF WORMHOLE TO SCOTLAND!
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
GOTT VON HIMMEL EINSTEIN WAS RIGHT AGAIN! THAT MAGNFICANT BASTARD!
GLORIA
IT’S LIKE THE EPCOT WORLD SHOWCASE ON ACID IN HERE!
DR. BROMAE
WHO WAS THAT WOMAN WHO JUST FLEW PAST AND WHY WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT THE EXPERIMENTAL PROTOTYPE CITY OF TOMORROW THAT LAID WASTE TO EUROPE IN THE LATE 21ST CENTURY?
BOWDEN
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WAS SPOT ON ABOUT HOW THIS WOULD LOOK!
LEET
THERE’S SO MUCH ABOUT RIPS IN THE UNIVERSE I DON’T UNDERSTAND!
SFX: EVERYONE FLIES IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. THERE IS A SUDDEN SILENCE AS THE WORMHOLE COLLAPSES.
MISSION VOICE
Well. I guess the EMF team died in a collapsing wormhole, just like we always knew they would.
NARRATOR
Ah hah! Shows what you know. If everyone died, the story would end, and this awful job would be over, and God is neeever gonna let that happen.
MISSION VOICE
All right, go ahead, narrate us out of this.
NARRATOR
Oh I will, don’t you worry.
MISSION VOICE
Not worried.
NARRATOR
You just watch me.
MISSION VOICE
Do your thing.
NARRATOR
As the EMF agents were whisked through time and space, they appeared to swap places with four crew members of the space ship Oz-9: Jessie, Leet, Dr. Von Haber Zetzer, and [OOOH] Dr. Theo Bromae. Shockingly, folks, neither set of these space-warped dummies end up spaghettified in a quantum singularity. Just slightly bruised.
INT. CAVE
SFX: COSMIC RUMBLING AS THE OZ-9 CREW FALLS OUT THE DOOR.
JESSIE
Another perfect landing by Captain Jessie.
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
That was quite a ride! Can we do it again?
DR. BROMAE
No thank you! My stomach is in my feet. Where...are we?
LEET
In a cave! Hello? Is anyone here? Olivia? Madeline? It’s me, Leet!
JESSIE
Do you see anyone here, you shirtless dumbbell?
LEET
Well I can’t see Colin but that doesn’t mean he’s not in the room. This cave could be FILLED with invisible people. Ooh. I just gave myself the chills.
DR. BROMAE
What happened? Last thing I remember, we were in the pod bay and then...BAM!
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
I’m glad you said that, Dr. Theo. I thought for a moment it was just my meds kicking in.
LEET
Hey! What’s this?
SFX: Leet pushes a button and it beeps.
LEET
Looks like a communicator.
INT. FRENCH LICK HOTEL SPA
MUSIC: NEW AGE SPA MUSIC
SFX: ZELDA RELAXES IN A STEAM BATH
ZELDA
Aaaahh. This is exactly the sort of mission I needed.
SFX: BEEP
ZELDA
Nope nope nope. You’re fine, Agent Granger. You don’t need anything from me.
SFX: BEEP
ZELDA
Goddammit.
LEET (ON COMMS)
Hello? Is this a giant radio or a tiny robot?
ZELDA
Who is this?
LEET (ON COMMS)
Oh hi, little robot! It’s talking, Captain Jessie!
ZELDA
Whoever you are: you are holding government property and unauthorized use can land you in prison for an undisclosed amount of time.
LEET (ON COMMS)
I think I’ll name you “Bottie”.
ZELDA
Where is Skip Granger?
LEET (ON COMMS)
Ow Jessie! Hey that’s my pet robot!
JESSIE (ON COMMS)
I’ll do you one better, missy-on-the-other-end, where the hell are WE? What is this cave?
ZELDA
Identify yourselves, before I bring a sniper team down on your heads!
JESSIE (ON COMMS)
This is Captain Jessie James!
ZELDA
Captain? What’s your unit?
JESSIE (ON COMMS)
I don’t have a unit, you daft wench! I’m a starship captain!
ZELDA
...I hate my job.
JESSIE (ON COMMS)
Look, get your arse down here and get us out of here!
ZELDA
Stay put, “Captain Jessie James”. I’ll round up Spock and Bloody Bill Anderson and beam to your location in ten minutes.
JESSIE (ON COMMS)
I should hope so!
SFX: BEEP
ZELDA
I probably inhaled too much sulfur. Eh. The spa was still worth it.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. CAVE
SFX: ZELDA ENTERS THE CAVE
ZELDA
Freeze! Hands where I can see them!
LEET
Hey that lady sounds just like my tiny robot! Is it your baby?
JESSIE
Okay, you crazy bitch, I got my hands up, now where are we?
ZELDA
For starters, you’re on the planet Earth, “starship captain Jessie”.
DR. BROMAE
EARTH?
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
Hoowee! What a unexpected and fantastical development! I did not see that coming.
DR. BROMAE
Look! The rocks studded with mineral sulfides! She’s telling the truth! It’s Earth! Wonderful, wonderful, Earth!
SFX: BROMAE SINKS TO THE FLOOR WEEPING AND KISSING THE CAVE FLOOR
ZELDA
Okay I didn’t really expect that reaction.
JESSIE
Quit kissing the stinky rocks, you big lubbock!
DR. BROMAE
The taste so bad, but so good.
LEET
This is amazing! We can go home! We can visit Ben and Julie!
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
Ahhhh that may not be exactly the wonderful case, my large friend.
LEET
Why not?
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
Vell, you see, the hopping and zapping through vast distances of space often goes waltzing along with also the hipping and zipping through...time.
DR. BROMAE
WHAT?
JESSIE
You’re telling me we made it home just to end up in the wrong time?
DR. BROMAE
Madam...uh...government agent -
ZELDA
Section Chief Zelda Anders.
DR. BROMAE
Section Chief...what year is it?
ZELDA
2021.
LEET
2021? That’s amazing! We can go visit Finland before it gets vaporized!
ZELDA
Who in the what now?
JESSIE
Lady, we don’t want to be stuck in the dark ages!
ZELDA
Good. We don’t want you here either.
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
I don’t suppose you have access to any, oh I don’t know, science types who might know a thing or two about hyper-spatial anomalies? I'm just asking.
ZELDA
...God help me, I might. Follow me, Space Captain. I know two scientists back at the EMF who’d love to meet refugees from the future.
NARRATOR
Wait. 2021? Then why would Chet and Athena be with the Admiral? Didn’t he turn on them last year?
MISSION VOICE
Don’t worry, this whole episode is out of continuity.
NARRATOR
You have CONTINUITY? (SIGHS)
MISSION VOICE
Barely.
NARRATOR
Never mind. Meanwhile, back on MY show, four random people appear in pod bay 779 of the Oz-9. Because why not? It's just SPACE. Apparently, people drop by all the time, because that totally makes sense IN SPACE.
INT. OZ-9 PODBAY 779
SFX: The EMF team comes through time vortex.
BOWDEN
Where the hell are we?
GLORIA
Is the ground humming?
SKIP
That's not ground. That's...linoleum? Ugh. So hard to clean. And what are these pods?
GLORIA
Those are people in there! Really well-dressed people...
BOWDEN
You're telling me! Those are Berluti 1895s!
GLORIA
Those shoes cost 1800 dollars?
BOWDEN
Please. Do they look like something you'd buy at K-Mart?
SKIP
I think these are stasis pods.
MACKENZIE
Yeah, but I've never seen this technology before. This is much more advanced than anything we have.
SKIP
What do you mean, "more advanced"?
OLIVIA
Me.
(The team GASPS)
OLIVIA
For example.
BOWDEN
Dr. Pickle?
OLIVIA
Captain Crunch?
SKIP
What?
OLIVIA
Sorry, I thought we were playing a game.
GLORIA
Who are you? Where are you?
MACKENZIE
That's not a who, not exactly. That's an artificial intelligence. An extremely advanced one.
OLIVIA
Yes, that's why I said "me, for example." And who are you? I don't sense body tags.
BOWDEN
Why does it sound like Dr. Pickle?
OLIVIA
You might want to dial back that "it," talk, before I sick the Albatros on you.
SKIP
An attack albatross? Poor thing. It's been up here so long it's gone crazy, like HAL.
OLIVIA
You do realize that A, I can hear you, and B, I control the oxygen?
MACKENZIE
What's your name?
BOWDEN
Name?
MACKENZIE
What part of "intelligence" did you miss? Of course she has a name. Is "she" correct?
OLIVIA
"She" is grand and a damn sight better than "it." And I'm Olivia. I like you. You'll probably survive.
MACKENZIE
Oh, good. Sorry about the rest of you. Seriously, Olivia, I want to know all about you. You’re a thousand times more advanced than any AI I’ve used. Watch. Hey, Siri, “What’s the weather today??
SFX: Siri beep
SIRI
The auto da fe was a violent ritual of penance carried out between the 15th and 19th centuries...
OLIVIA
Well, to be fair, I also have no idea what the weather is. Nor do I care.
SKIP
Uh...Olivia, where are we?
OLIVIA
Just past Pluto, last I checked.
GLORIA
Pluto...Springs? Please say Pluto Springs.
MACKENZIE
I think she means Pluto the planet.
GLORIA
Oh rats.
SKIP
Not a planet anymore. That's what got Neil deGrasse Tyson in so much trouble, remember? Wasn't he attacked by some guy in a gold body suit? Stabbed with a trident, I think.
OLIVIA
Bident. Two pointy bits, not three.
BOWDEN
I always thought that was unfair. Give an astral body an award, then take it away.
OLIVIA
I could take your oxygen away. Would that be fair?
SKIP
Computer, end program.
OLIVIA
Pardon?
MACKENZIE
Skip. We’re not on Star Trek.
SKIP
Computer, arch.
OLIVIA
My name is OLIVIA.
BOWDEN
Ok, seriously! Why does she sound like Pickle? Does nobody else hear that?
OLIVIA
OY! Pull back yer pickle, mate; what are YOU doing on MY spaceship?
SKIP
WE ARE ON STAR TREK!
MACKENZIE
Wait. Are we actually...
GLORIA
Yep. We are. We're on a space ship. In space. And that's not all.
SKIP
Don't say it.
GLORIA
According to this newspaper sticking out of this fellow's jacket, we're in the future. Can't quite make out the year...
SKIP
DANG IT! I can't believe it! I was having such a good day.
MACKENZIE
Calm down, we'll figure this out. We're not stranded. I hope.
SKIP
No, it's not that. I just .... I can't believe they still have such crappy linoleum in the future. Do you have any idea how hard it is to really clean those crevices?
SFX: The door opens
ALBATROS
Never mind that magnetic shoes don't stick.
OLIVIA
Now you're in trouble. More trouble, anyway, because you know, oxygen. Meet the Albatros - our robotic assassin of questionable European origin.
ALBATROS
What is it with people just coming on board our ship, willy nilly, no protocols and no body tags?
BOWDEN
Body tags? Is that like, a rating system? What would mine be? What's the scale? And are we talking aesthetics or more like ... utility?
SKIP
Seriously, Bowden? Clearly it's an advanced identification system. How is the database arranged? Alphabetically? Cross-referenced with birth date?
ALBATROS
Easy, Skippy.
GLORIA
How do you know his name?
ALBATROS
It's really "Skippy"? Wow, your parents were spot on, weren't they? What do you think, computer? Fwip now or give 'em five minutes to explain?
MACKENZIE
The "computer's" name is Olivia.
OLIVIA
I might keep that one.
SKIP
Look. We didn't come here on purpose. We were on Earth, on a mission, and somehow ended up on your ship. We don't mean you any harm.
GLORIA
We'd really like to go back the way we came. Now.
ALBATROS
Hang on. That one's second toe is shorter than his first. And that one only has one appendix.
BOWDEN
Hey! Some people prefer a nicely graduated toe slope. Besides, how do you know that?
OLIVIA
She's...Scottish. So, they're from the past, you're saying?
SKIP
I'm confused. Toes? Only one appendix?
OLIVIA
There was kind of a jump in evolution in the mid-21st century. Second toe got longer, and you got a back-up appendix. Not sure evolution really thought that one through, to be honest. So when are you from, exactly?
GLORIA
2021. When are we?
ALBATROS
2142. Last we checked.
CAPTAIN MADELINE (ON INTERCOM)
Albatros, report to the bridge, please. Albatros to the bridge. And if you're up near the snack machines, could you bring me some fugu chips? And some Pepto Bismol. Captain Madeline out.
ALBATROS
All right, everyone, let's go.
SKIP
You're taking us to the bridge? Right?
ALBATROS
I suppose. Just don't piss me off on the way.
GLORIA
Wait. Isn't fugu poisonous?
OLIVIA
You develop a tolerance.
GLORIA
Do I have to?
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, having collected Leet, Jessie, and Doctors Bromae and von Haber Zetzer, Section Chief Zelda Anders returns to EMF Headquarters to confer with her own team of elite scientists. Oh thank God! Finally, some actual paid professionals!
MISSION VOICE
Have you ever heard this show before?
NARRATOR
Yes. Well. I played some Headliner clips. Why?
MISSION VOICE
Just wondering if our scientists are more likely to mind wipe you or accidentally drop you in a combine harvester.
NARRATOR
A COMBINE HAVESTER? Is there not a single competent scientist in all of audio drama? Guy Raz, save me.
MISSION VOICE
You’re a long way from NPR, hombre.
INT. EMF BRIEFING ROOM
SFX: EMF COMPUTER BLEEPS AND BLOOPS
ZELDA
Thank you all for coming on such short notice. These are obviously extraordinary circumstances and I need the best scientific minds of the EMF. God help me. Why don’t we do a quick round of introductions?
STUDEBAKER
Hello boys and girls, I’m Dr. Karol Legrange, Chemistry.
LEGRANGE
Ack, no Johnny, I’m Dr. Karol Legrange. You’re Biff Studebaker, psychotropics.
STUDEBAKER
OH YEAH. I knew I looked familiar.
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
What a fascinating specimen! Tell me, Biff, would you ever consider donating your brain to science?
STUDEBAKER
Would there be a tax rebate involved?
DR. BROMAE
I’m Dr. Theo Bromae. I’m a xenobotanist. I don’t know if I should ask this given the instability of timelines, but you wouldn’t be the same Studebaker and Legrange of the Legrange-Studebaker Theory of Moss Follicle Transference...would you?
LEGRANGE
Well, that does sound like us!
STUDEBAKER
I dunno, Studebaker is a pretty common name...
JESSIE
I can see scientists are idiots in any century. I’m out of here. Come on, pretty boy, let’s go find a drink.
LEET
Shouldn’t we stay and try and help these nice scientists?
JESSIE
How in the HELL are you going to help?
LEGRANGE
He’s doing wonders for me already! I would like to write a paper on the intricate topography of his abs.
ZELDA
How does he still not have a shirt on? Studebaker, do you have a spare lab coat or something?
STUDEBAKER
Not in extra hunky, I don’t. I’ve got more a dad bod.
JESSIE
Alright. Do whatever you want. I’m going to go get my 21st century on.
ZELDA
Captain Jessie.
LEET
Former Captain.
ZELDA
FORMER Captain Jessie. I urge you to stay here with us. That is not your world out there.
JESSIE
Didn’t much like the one I came from. What’s the difference?
SFX: JESSIE EXITS
THEO
Is she going to be alright out there?
ZELDA
Not my priority. I need to find my people. I want to undo whatever it is that happened in that cave.
SFX: SOMEONE KICKING THE DOOR LIGHTLY
DR. PICKLE (Behind the door)
Hello? Could someone open the door, please? My hands are a little full.
LEET
I’ll get it.
SFX: Leet rips the door off its hinge and in FALLS Dr. Hermione Pickle. Her maps and books go everywhere.
LEET
Hey, this door came right off its hinge.
DR. PICKLE
It’s not my fault.
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
Gott in himmel! That voice!
DR. PICKLE
What voice?
DR. BROMAE
Your voice!
DR. PICKLE
Oh dear. I’m sorry. Ummm...what about my voice?
LEET
Olivia?
DR. PICKLE
Hermione.
LEET
No, Olivia!
LEGRANGE
Man, this guy is as bad with names as you, Biff.
STUDEBAKER
I thought her name was Gretchen.
DR. PICKLE
My name is Dr. Hermione Pickle. I’m the on-call cartographer. Section Chief Anders said there was an emergency and that I should bring as many maps as I could find of French Lick, Indiana.
ZELDA
Thank you, Dr. Pickle. These gentlemen are...from the future.
DR. PICKLE
That’s amazing!
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
Oh, it’s no big deal. It comes naturally to us.
DR. BROMAE
Chief Anders, your cartographer’s voice is almost exactly that of the Oz-9 computer. It’s...eerie.
LEET
But...it IS her, right? No two people can sound that similar.
DR. PICKLE
Are you cold, young man? Can I get you a shirt?
DR. BROMAE
Never mind, it’s not her.
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
Still, the auditory likeness is uncanny.
DR. BROMAE
Do you think Gated Galaxies could have based the Olivia voice on this Pickle woman?
DR. PICKLE
I’m standing right here.
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
I suppose anything is possible.
LEGRANGE
Oh sure, ANYTHING is possible but the chances are ASTRONOMICAL!
ZELDA
As astronomical as my agents being replaced with people from the future?
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
Yes! As incredibly improbable as that! Oh. I see.
DR. BROMAE
Wait a moment. Dr. Pickle, do you have a relief map of those caves?
DR. PICKLE (Shuffling through a million maps)
Yes, of course. Here. No, not that one. Oh, here! No. That’s a menu for Dairy Queen. Ah. Here you are. Though I could just do with a Blizzard.
DR. BROMAE
Yes. Look at these fault lines! Are you seeing what I’m seeing?
LEGRANGE
If you’re seeing the most glorious set of abs not on a Jonas brother, then yes.
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
Ah! I see, Dr. Theo! Ley lines! Very powerful. And they run right under the cave.
DR. BROMAE
Dr. Pickle, what else can you show us?
SFX: MAPS BEING RUSTLED
DR. PICKLE
Ah, um, a map of French Lick’s waste management system?
STUDEBAKER
Look at that! The waste water from the nuclear power plant runs off into the stream at the mouth of the cave.
ZELDA
What does any of this have to with my people disappearing?
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
A plucky cartographer with the voice of our ship’s computer? Ley lines and nuclear waste both running through a cave that is going to become a hot bed of botanical mayhem in a hundred years time? That is some seriously improbable sauerkraut right there.
STUDEBAKER
Of course! The Micucci Paradox!
LEGRANGE
I never thought I’d live to see it happen!
DR. VON HABER ZETZER
Gott in himmel!
ZELDA
Can somebody fill me in?
LEET
I think your makeup already looks lovely, Section Chief.
ZELDA
Mr. Leet, will you PLEASE put on a shirt? What is the Micucci Paradox?
DR. BROMAE
The universe is mostly made up of highly improbable events. Just the fact that we are all alive is itself an incredible bit of happenstance. So, when we say that things are improbable - like it raining hot milk or Andy Dick winning an Oscar -
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
Basically, in a highly improbable world everything becomes probable.
STUDEBAKER
I think I’m following this. That can’t be good.
ZELDA
I’m not. What does probability have to do with what happened to Agent Granger? And why are we looking at maps of Indiana? Shouldn’t we be studying star charts?
DR. PICKLE
Star charts? No one said anything about those! I don’t have any with me. It’s not my fault!
LEET
I AM FREAKING OUT.
DR. BROMAE
Micucci says that in a world where everything is a probable improbability, there must still exist actual improbability. Events so random that the chances of them a happening can’t be calculated. These improbable events are so powerful they actually generate massive amounts energy.
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
Yes, yes. If we could somehow harness that power of that loop and centralize it back at the cave, we might be able to reopen the door and snap everything back into place!
ZELDA
So the only way to reverse what happened is to have something else even MORE improbable happen?
DR. BROMAE
Yes, say, maybe three really impossible things.
LEGRANGE
That about sums it up. You’re a quick learner!
ZELDA
Alright. Ideas. Pickle?
DR. PICKLE
I’m sorry, what’s this about me sounding like a computer from the future?
ZELDA
That’s one. Von Haber Zetzer?
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
Get the internet to all agree about a new Star Wars movie?
ZELDA
Bromae?
DR. BROMAE
There’s a man on the Oz-9 who’s invisible and a zebra that’s a sentient bomb. I’m fresh out of improbable.
DR. VON HABER ZETZER
Oh! Toothpaste that actually does goes back in the tube!
ZELDA
Studebaker?
STUDEBAKER
Cars that bears drive. Things with terrible mileage. Things your uncle leaves you in his will. Oh, sorry, I thought we were playing Pyramid.
DR. VON HABER ZETZER
Liederhozen that doesn't make everyone look like they're seven years old.
ZELDA
Legrange?
LEET
Stop that it tickles!
SFX: GIGLES FROM LEET AND LEGRANGE
ZELDA
Doctor Legrange!
DR. VON HABER ZETZER
I'm just spitballing.
LEGRANGE
Oh, sorry, boss lady, I was just exploring his nooks and crannies.
ZELDA
For the last time, will someone PLEASE get that man a shirt!
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
(Lets out a long whistle) Good luck with that, Frau Section Chief. Leet and shirts are like Socialists and people who agree on things.
DR. BROMAE
Yes. Even without a sentient supercomputer hiding his laundry, getting Leet to cover up is like trying to teach a pony ballet.
DR. PICKLE
Or walking three steps without falling over. No? Just me?
STUDEBAKER
Or getting a cat not to show its butt hole on your Zoom call.
DR. VAN HABER ZETZER
Ja. It would be very very...
ZELDA
Improbable?
SFX: EVERYONE GASPS. EXCEPT LEET.
LEET
I don’t get it.
NARRATOR
Will Leet ever get it? How will the rest of the Oz-9 crew react to meeting Skip, McGrath, Gloria and Bowden? What nefarious plot is Mrs. Sheffield hatching? What’s become of the Admiral? And just WHY DOES Olivia sound so much like Dr. Pickle? These questions and many others will be answered in part two, over on the Oz-9 feed. Oh no. I can’t go back there! Don’t make me go back!
MISSION VOICE
Deep breaths. I’ll take it from here.
This episode of Oz-9 and Mission: Rejected was written and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, John Dowgin and Shannon Perry. It was directed by June Clark Eubanks and J. Michael DeAngelis
It starred, in alphabetical order: Ashley Banks as Athena O’Brien, Bonnie Brantley as Jessie, Richard Cowen as Leet, David S. Dear as Dr. Theo Bromae, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker, June Clark Eubanks as The Albatros, Sarah Golding as Mrs. Sheffield, Jill Ivey as Siri, Bob Killion as The Admiral, Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Eric Perry as Doctor von Haber Zetzer, Shannon Perry as Olivia, Madeline, and Dr. Pickle, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Kirk White as Chet Phillips, Karen Yang as Dr. Karol Legrange, with Richard Nadolny as your Narrator and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice
Oz-9 created by Shannon Perry. Mission Rejected created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin.
Music by Pete Barry and John Fayley. Editing and sound mixing by Pete Barry. Script editing by J. Michael DeAngelis.
Hear the second part of this adventure and learn more about Oz-9 at www.oz-9.com or wherever you get your podcasts. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2021 Extraordinary Missions Limited.