SEASON FOUR, BONUS: “GLORIA KOVAK, PI”
TRANSCRIPT

MUSIC: The sounds of sultry jazz.

GLORIA (NARRATOR) (hardboiled, a la Schnazzy Splenda)

This city never sleeps. And when it’s not sleeping, it’s stirring up trouble. And when it finally passes out from exhaustion, it dreams about stirring up more trouble. My name’s Kovak. I worked for the government until we had a rough breakup. Now I’m a private eye. So if you’re out in my city making trouble, I’m the one who’s gonna -

BOWDEN

Gloria? Are you coming?

SFX: Record scratch.

INT. KOVAK DETECTIVE AGENCY - NIGHT

GLORIA

Oh! Sorry Bo! I was just practicing my undercover voice.

BOWDEN

Your first client is on the phone.

GLORIA

I got it!

BOWDEN

And maybe you should be...a little less hard-boiled.

GLORIA (NARRATOR)

That’s my beau. His name’s Bo. A straight shooter with legs that just won’t quit, especially when you’re sprinting away from a jilted husband.

SFX: She picks up the phone and clears her throat, all business.

GLORIA

Kovak Detective Agency!

WARBURTON

Yes, Ms. Kovak, my name is Franklin Warburton. I spoke to your secretary on the phone yesterday.

GLORIA

Bowden copied down everything you said, Mister Warburton. Bowden’s the fastest number two on the East side.

WARBURTON

I see.

GLORIA

I understand you’re a restaurateur.

WARBURTON

Oh, nothing so lofty, to be sure. I’m merely a philanthropist and an angel investor.

GLORIA

Interesting. My Google search couldn’t turn up anything you’ve philanthropized.

WARBURTON

I don’t like to take credit, Ms. Kovak; the joy is in the act of support. But I’m afraid my latest investment -

GLORIA

This would be Antoine Boucher, the French patisserie chef?

WARBURTON

Yes, I loved him in his stint on the Great French Bake-Off. But after the show, he had great difficulty launching a professional career.

GLORIA

Always a sous, never a chef, you mean.

WARBURTON

Well he came to me with a rather unique pitch for a restaurant - the Long Pancake.

GLORIA

The Long Pancake? Isn’t that joint supposed to open up next week downtown?

"WARBURTON

It is, god willing. You see, Antoine developed a self-flipping griddle that runs the entire length of the restaurant. Antoine cooks a three-hundred foot pancake in front of the customers, and they choose a section and sprinkle their favorite toppings - rather ingenious!

GLORIA

Well it’s something.

WARBURTON

But the critics attended last night and gave us a sneak peek at the reviews. Let’s just say...

GLORIA

They didn’t flip their flapjacks over the long pancake, huh?

WARBURTON

Antoine is so distraught - I fear he’s liable to do something drastic before we open tomorrow morning?

GLORIA

How drastic?

WARBURTON

Well, we jointly own the business, so he owns half of the building -

GLORIA

And half of the fire insurance, is that what you’re getting at?

WARBURTON

I can’t approach the police without evidence. Can you help me, Ms. Kovak?

GLORIA

Chin up, Mister Warburton, I’ll stake out your establishment all night. If Antoine Boucher tries to put the flambee on the Long Pancake, he’ll be toast.

WARBURTON

Bless you, Ms. Kovak!

GLORIA

Gesundheit, Mister Warburton. I’ll be in touch. (hangs up) Bo?

BOWDEN

Yes, boss?

GLORIA

Let’s take a short drive to a long pancake.

SFX: THE CAR DRIVES ACROSS TOWN

GLORIA (NARRATOR) (CONT'D)

We jumped in my sunflower yellow sedan, a little number I call Daisy. Daisy got us to the Long Pancake in twenty minutes, and I didn’t even floor it through any yellow lights.

EXT. THE LONG PANCAKE - NIGHT

SFX: Gloria and Bowden step quietly along the pavement.

GLORIA

There’s the Pancake. No lights on. Doesn’t look like Boucher is here yet. Are you wired up?

BOWDEN

Like a Christmas tree. Just get that chef to spill his cookies, and this case is closed.

GLORIA

Sh! What was that?

BOWDEN

I didn’t hear anything.

GLORIA

I hear someone in the alley. Hold tight.

BOWDEN

Be careful.

SFX: Gloria cocks her pistol.

GLORIA (NARRATOR)

I cocked the trigger on my trusty old .22, and slipped into the dark alley. I knew one wrong step could spell the end of my dance lessons.

GLORIA (CONT'D)

Who’s there?

CHET

Trouble. The good kind.

GLORIA (NARRATOR)

Chet Phillips. We used to work together, back when we lived off of Uncle Sam’s dime.

GLORIA (CONT'D)

Chet! What are you doing here?

CHET

I’m everywhere, Kovak. Especially when you need help.

GLORIA

I thought you were doing dirty work for Terry Millionaire, philanthropist billionaire.

CHET

You shouldn’t believe everything you read in the papers.

GLORIA

The day I read about you in the papers, Phillips, you’ll probably be in the obituaries.

CHET

It’ll be long and interesting. Just like me.

GLORIA

Okay, knock it off, Phillips! What’s Terry Millionaire got to do with this? Is Warburton one of his buddies?\

CHET

Who’s Warburton? I’m here looking for drugs.

GLORIA

Try Walgreens.

CHET

I’ve scoped out this Long Pancake, and lookie here! (pulls out a plastic bag) Five pounds of fentanyl! He’s importing it from Guatemala!

GLORIA

Oh, gimme that bag.

CHET

Don’t taste it, are you crazy?

GLORIA

That isn’t fentanyl, Chet. It’s pancake flour.

CHET

It can’t be! Three police officers passed out just looking at this bag!

GLORIA

Will you get out of here before -

BOWDEN (OFF)

Hey boss! The chef has entered the kitchen!

GLORIA

Dammit, Chet! You made me miss my mark!

CHET

I’m coming with you.

GLORIA

Not a chance. You just tell me one thing - who tipped you off about this fake fentanyl?

CHET

A guy named Lester Macaron. Said he was one of Boucher’s investors.

BOWDEN (OFF)

Gloria!

GLORIA

Phillips, I could kiss you if I wouldn’t throw up immediately afterwards.

CHET

Please don’t.

GLORIA

Let’s go, Bo!

SFX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS! THEY BREAK INTO THE RESTAURANT!

GLORIA (CONT'D)

Freeze, Antoine! And I don’t mean your gelato!

ANTOINE

Mon Dieu! Gloria Kovak! Your reputation as a private investigator proceeds you!

BOWDEN

Wow, and this is only our first case!

GLORIA

What are you doing with that gas canister, Antoine?

ANTOINE

You have caught me, non? I will set fire to this long griddle, my greatest failure! And I will burn with it, as so burns my great shame!

BOWDEN

He’s gone full Ralph Fiennes! Spoilers!

ANTOINE

Flee now, lest you witness my immolation and self-basting!

GLORIA

But isn’t that what you want? Witnesses?

ANTOINE

Quoi?

SFX: GUN CLICK

GLORIA

That’s why you hired us, Antoine Boucher, a.k.a Lester Macaron, a.k.a. Franklin Warburton?

BOWDEN

What?!? He hired us to investigate...himself?

ANTOINE

Tres bien, Ms. Kovak! Drop your revolver.

GLORIA

Ah, jeez. Slow on the draw.

ANTOINE

I suppose it was my - (doing the Warburton voice) - ridiculous American accent - (back to French) - that gave it away?

GLORIA

No, it was you and your two partners who each owned half your business. Partners for whom who Google turns up no backgrounds whatsoever.

BOWDEN

You’re saying he invented his backers?

GLORIA

Probably to bilk the bank out of a loan, before lighting this place on fire and faking his own death, so he can make his real money illegally farming wheat in deforested Guatemalan Amazon land for pennies on the dollar!

BOWDEN

There’s blood on those pancakes, Boucher!

GLORIA

There’s at least sap on those pancakes!

ANTOINE

I’ll turn that sap to syrup once I’ve re-established a new identity as a South American businessman! Antoine Boucher dies tonight...along with you! HA!

SFX: A distant BANG! Flames shoot up from across the restaurant!

BOWDEN

Gloria! He’s lit the long griddle!

ANTOINE

Starting at the far end of the restaurant, each little pilot light will light the next one. And once the fire crosses the griddle and reaches the boiler’s pilot light here...BOOM!

SFX: Over their dialogue, the sounds of the pilot lights FOOMPH to life...getting closer...and closer!

BOWDEN

It’ll take you with it, too!

ANTOINE

I’ll be long gone. Here! Take this kitchen twine! Tie up yourself and the girl!

BOWDEN

Never!

ANTOINE

I could shoot you both!

GLORIA

Then they’ll find our bodies with the bullets baked right into them.

ANTOINE

Your...cooking analogies are going quite astray. Now tie her up!

GLORIA

Lemme do it, Bo.

BOWDEN

This is not how I wanted to go out...hog-tied to a woman while lit on fire in a pancake house...actually now that I think about it -

ANTOINE

Hurry up!

GLORIA

Cool your cream puffs, Antoine, I’m just remembering my knots!

ANTOINE

You’re not tying his legs, what are you tying that to?

GLORIA

Oh, just this TEN POUND BAG OF PANCAKE FLOUR

SFX: She WHIPS the bag at him! WHAP! POOF!

ANTOINE

AAAA la farine a crepes!

SFX: She hits him again! He goes down, UNCONSCIOUS!

GLORIA

Roll this one in sugar and call him French toast, Bo!

BOWDEN

Gloria, the pilot lights!

GLORIA

Holy crepe!

BOWDEN

Get down!

SFX; The pilot lights FOOMP nearby! And then...! CLICK. The pilot lights die.

CHET

You two are lucky I found the gas line.

BOWDEN

Phillips!

GLORIA

Always showing up at the last minute to take the collar.

CHET

Oh, you take this one, Kovak. You did the legwork. You’re one sharp cookie, you know that?

GLORIA

What kinda cookies do you eat, that they’re sharp?

CHET

You’re a tough nut to crack, too. Good working with you.

GLORIA

We’re not working together, Chet -

CHET

Bye partner!

BOWDEN

C’mon, Gloria. Let’s take this flour smuggler to the police, and then I’ll take you to IHOP.

GLORIA

Make it waffles instead, and you got yourself a deal, good lookin’.

SIRENS over the cityscape.

GLORIA (NARRATOR) (CONT'D)

Well, that’s the way the eggs break in this frying pan we call the big city. Sometimes all you can do is mix in some peppers and onions and make a western omelette. But things hashed out this time, and that’s no small potatoes. My name is Gloria Kovak and I’m a private eye."

MUSIC: Credits Jazz

COOL CREDITS GUY

You’ve been listening to “Gloria Kovak, PI: The Long Pancake.” Starring Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Kirk White as Chet Phillips, and Bob Killion as Antoine Boucher. Written and edited by Pete Barry. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2024 Extraordinary Missions Limited.