MUSIC: GLORIA KOVAK, PI THEME MUSIC
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
My name’s Kovak. I’m a private eye. Some days in this city feel darker than others, and this one...this one was a doozey, carrying a heaviness that made Baron Harkonnen feel like a flyweight. It felt solar eclipse dark, Hershey’s baking chocolate dark, ‘Black Mirror’ writer drinking Jack Daniels in a closet dark, any of these metaphors would do and yet not quite cover it. Ever since the kidnapping case in the Towne District I’d felt unnerved, not the best look for a private Seamus, and now, with despair lurking around every corner and each case looking like an invitation to meet Saint Peter on his own terms, I was feeling skittish anytime anyone opened that—
SFX – DOOR OPENS, BO RUSHES IN
BOWDEN
DOORDASH IS HERE!
GLORIA
OH GOODY, bring it over, I’m starving.
BOWDEN
How’s the writing going?
GLORIA
I’m just reworking the intro, and then I’ll be ready to submit to the James Ellroy International Fanfic Contest!
BOWDEN
Just remember to edit the way he did, once you think it’s done...
GLORIA AND BOWDEN
Delete every third word.
BOWDEN
I’m going to need you to say that on tape if Shane Black ever finishes that supposed ‘The Nice Gals’ script he’s working on for Florence Pugh and Hailee Steinfeld.
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
That’s my beau. His name’s Bo. The finest paramour slash Guy Friday a lady PI could ask for.
SFAX: KNOCK KNOCK
BOWDEN
Let me see...here’s my order of Joe Perry Paella, your order of Steven Pad Thai-ler, and that extra large Egg-rosmith Drop Soup for us to share.
GLORIA
Wow, I love ordering from Wok This Way!
SFX KNOCK KNOCK
BOWDEN
Expecting company at this hour?
GLORIA
You think it’s a client? We’re way past closing time. Show them in.
SFX: Door opens.
JAKE
Evening, Kovak. Half surprised to find you in your office this late.
GLORIA
As I live and breathe. Jake Mittens. PI.
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
Jake Mittens was a local legend, the hardest-boiled, tough-asnailsest, crack-wisingest private investigator to ever hang his shingle in this city. But he’d never quite gotten over the one female on his beat whom he’d never conquered… yours truly.
JAKE
Burning the midnight oil, are you?
GLORIA
No, I got rid of all my Australian New Wave albums years ago. What brings you by, Mittens, are you defending your title in some sort of doorway darkening contest?
JAKE
Nothing quite so quaint. I’m working a case tonight, Kovak, a real puzzler. I’ve been on it a few weeks now and can’t seem to crack it. I was wondering if you might be willing to give it a second set of eyes, see if you can’t spot something I’m missing.
GLORIA
It must be a real quandary if the great Jake Mittens is asking for help. And I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I was half flattered to be the first PI you—
JAKE
Oh God no, I’ve been all over my contacts list. Sam Shovel is working a case for the DA uptown, Mike Screwdriver’s laid up with the flu, looks like Phillip Marless is on vacation…
GLORIA
OK OK, fine I get it. Give us the skinny on the way to the parking garage.
JAKE
Us?
GLORIA
Bo and I, Mittens. A package. As always.
JAKE
You know what they say. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both
GLORIA
And there you have the Facts of Life?
JAKE
What? No.
GLORIA
Oh. I thought—
JAKE
I can see why but I was just--
GLORIA
Right, it was just a saying.
JAKE
Not a pop culture reference or anything.
GLORIA
Gotcha. Yeah, with my old crew that was a regular thing. Anyway. Let’s roll!
TRANSITION MUSIC
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
Five minutes later, Jake, Bo and I were crammed into Daisy like ten pounds of flour in a five pound sack.
JAKE
Look, I’ll get my license back no problem once I’m able to pay off the parking tickets…
BOWDEN
Yeah, yeah, tell it to the traffic court. I used that line once when I did a guest spot on Matlock.
JAKE
How old are you, exactly, Montcrief?
BOWDEN
A Guy Friday never tells his age. Tres gauche.
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
And just a few minutes later we were at the scene of Jake Mittens’ latest case. Or should I say, his latest case study in futility.
SFX – DOOR CHIMES
TORO
Welcome to Toro’s Fine China and Porcelain, how can I—YOU!
JAKE
Pipe down, Giuseppe, don’t get your pantalonis in a twist---
TORO
Two hundred I pay you, in advance, and what have you to show for it! ZILCH! NADA! ZERO! And of excuse me there is a lovely lady in your presence and an almost as equally lovely man...
BOWDEN
Why thank you, signore.
GLORIA
I’ll second those thanks, and I’ll also ask how you get your clients to pay you up front, Mittens!
TORO
By promising results he no get!
JAKE
All right, all right. Giuessepe Toro, these are my...associates.
GLORIA
Gloria Kovak, PI.
BOWDEN
And I’m Bo. Her beau. But also just Bo.
GLORIA
Mister Toro, this is your china shop?
TORO
Started by my grandfather, Enzo Toro, passed down to my father, Salvatore Toro, and now mine! Three
toros in a china shop, but I...I may be the last!
BOWDEN
What seems to be the problem?
JAKE
Three weeks ago, sometime during the night, someone broke into Toro’s Fine China and Porcelain and stole a single item. You’ve got the picture, Giuseppe?
TORO
Si, Si, here...
BOWDEN
Is that...a porcelain circus ringmaster?
TORO
Si, signore, crafted from the finest white china!
GLORIA
Is it valuable?
TORO
Ehhh, by itself, itsa worth, maybe, fifty dollars all told
BOWDEN
So why the fuss?
TORO
Because it is not just a delicate circus ringmaster made of white china...he is the ringmaster of this circus!
GLORIA
It’s an entire white china circus!
BOWDEN
Animals, acrobats...
GLORIA
A bearded lady...
BOWDEN
A human centipede...
GLORIA
A WHAT
BOWDEN
Oh wait, those are just tumblers. From this angle...yeah, nevermind.
TORO
And here, the piece de resistance -
BOWDEN
AH. OH GOOD GOD.
GLORIA
That’s one creepy porcelain clown!
BOWDEN
That’s fragile nightmare fuel is what that is.
GLORIA
Is this where the ringmaster stood? I can tell from the dust pattern something’s missing from that spot.
JAKE
You’re good Kovak. Keep on reminding me why I brought you into this.
GLORIA
There’s more missing...something was here...
TORO
A porcelain lion tamer.
GLORIA
Another piece was here...
TORO
That’s where the bone china sword swallower stood.
GLORIA
And two pieces here...
TORO
That would have been the human cannonball and the fortune teller’s lawyer serving him with paternity papers.
BOWDEN
But I thought you said only one piece was stolen that night.
TORO
Exactly. One stolen that night...and another stolen every night since.
JAKE
Someone breaks in after the store has closed, takes precisely one item from this display, and leaves.
TORO
And now, a once complete set worth several thousand dollars grows more and more incomplete by the night!
GLORIA
What does your security footage show?
TORO
Absolutely nothing!
BOWDEN
Have you upgraded your locks!
TORO
Twice! Look!
GLORIA
I admit, this is a tricky case.
JAKE
The trickiest I’ve seen since in a month of Sundays. And I don’t mean the kind you get at dairy queen.
BOWDEN
Aaaaand now I want a sundae.
GLORIA
Giuseppe, who else besides you knew about this collection?
TORO
Nobody! I keep this collection behind these curtains. I only draw them for a few minutes every evening around closing time, to say a prayer to my Nonno Enzo.
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
Sometimes “nobody” is just as big a clue as somebody. Nobody breaks into a store to steal something they don’t know is there. And if Giuseppe Toro only drew the curtains on these three rings of faux fragile family flashback once a night, it stood to reason that the thief would be someone who might see those curtains drawn on the nightly. I decided our next course of action would be to interview the owners of three shops directly across from Toro’s Fine China and Porcelain. First, there was Artie Main, owner of Main’s Board Games, Fantasies, and Curios -
TRANSITION MUSIC
GLORIA
And you’re quite certain you’ve never looked in Mister Toro’s window around about closing time, sir?
SFX – DICE ROLLING
BOWDEN
Sir, you don’t have to roll for initiative every time we ask you a question.
ARTIE
Oh no? How do you interact with the outside world?
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
...then we checked out Sherman Stickler of Stickler’s Pet Shop Emporium in the next storefront...
SFX – PET SHOP AMBIENCE AND CHAOS
STICKLER
Welcome to Sticklers, how can we stick ya?
GLORIA
That’s...a sales pitch?
STICKLER
Thanks to our extremely liberal cage policies, we’re the only pet store in the city PETA hasn’t firebombed, we can be a little loose in our marketing.
GLORIA
You don’t use cages at all?
SFX: Dogs attack Jake and Bowden.
JAKE
Back mutt!
BOWDEN
Oh, come on, these just came from Stitch Fix!
GLORIA
Listen, Stickler! I wanna ask you a few questions about your neighbor, Toro’s Fine China and Porcelain -
STICKLER
Who?
BOWDEN
(still fighting a dog)
Your neighbor!
JAKE
Their store is right across the street, you can see it through your window...
STICKLER
Can I?
GLORIA
Actually, with all the tarantula webs, birds’ nests, and rodent burrows in the way...I guess you can’t.
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
Which left us with one last store to investigate...
SFX – DOOR CHIMES
MONTY
Welcome to Mad Monty’s.
GLORIA
And you are, I presume, Monty?
MONTY
Who’s asking? You cops?
JAKE
And what if we were, dirtbag?
MONTY
I’d offer you a discount.
JAKE
Oh. Well, I used to be…
MONTY
On BACON! (PIG NOISES)
JAKE
Why I oughtta…
GLORIA
Mittens, settle down! No wonder you needed my help. Monty? We’re PIs, looking for some stolen goods.
MONTY
How fascinating.
GLORIA
This storefront looks pretty empty, do you sell anything here?
BOWDEN
Or provide a service of some sort?
MONTY
A service...you could say that.
GLORIA
All right listen up. We’re not the fuzz but unless we start getting straight answers, you’re gonna find yourself taking a ride with the black and white taxi service.
MONTY
Very well. Let’s say a certain item...fell off a truck. And you found it. In the street. Truckless. And you bought it to me. I might be able to resell this truckless item and turn a profit for both of us.
JAKE
You’re a fence.
MONTY
Oh how I yearn for a post-labels society.
GLORIA
Ever take any steps to boost your own inventory?
MONTY
Madam. I am a professional, with standards.
BOWDEN
Your nudie wall calendar is from 1996.
MONTY
I didn’t say high standards.
JAKE
Has anyone come to you lately looking to move some china figurines?
MONTY
Lots of people bring me lots of things.
GLORIA
How about I bring you a car full of cops.
MONTY
Oh those china figurines! Like this one.
BOWDEN
That’s the ringmaster all right.
MONTY
Yours for the low low price of five hundred dollars.
GLORIA
Its owner says it’s worth a tenth of that.
MONTY
Late stage capitalism, lady. Take it or leave it.
GLORIA
OK, now for the million dollar question. Who brought it to you?
MONTY
Now, that’s the strange part. I walked in one morning, and there it was on my desk. The next morning, there was another one. And the next morning, and the next. Whenever one of them sells, I leave the... anonymous donor’s cut on the desk. The next morning, the money’s gone, replaced by last night’s take.
JAKE
Let me get this straight, you get one of these figures delivered to you every night?
MONTY
Without fail.
GLORIA
Gentlemen. I think it’s time for a stake out.
SFX – TRANSITION MUSIC
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
That night, Jake, Bo and I parked Daisy across from Toro’s Fine China and Porcelain, drew straws for the first watch, and waited. And watched. And waited and watched, and just when we thought we were done waiting and watching we waited and watched some more. Nobody ever came and nobody ever went. And yet somehow...
MONTY
I found it right here on my counter this morning. One porcelain seal balancing a ball on his nose.
JAKE
Impossible! We watched that store all night, and not a single person walked in...
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
And that’s when the answer hit me, as hard as Bonnie Bedelia hit that smarmy reporter outside Nakatomi Plaza —
GLORIA
To Stickler’s Pet Emporium!
SFX – TRANSITION MUSIC AND DOOR CHIMES AND PET SHOP AMBIENCE AND CHAOS
STICKLER
Welcome to Sticklers, how can we stick WHOAH
JAKE
Listen to the lady, pal, she filled us in on the way over!
GLORIA
Which animal is it?
STICKLER
Which animal is it what?
GLORIA
Which animal did you train to break into your neighbor’s fine china shop and steal kick knacks for you to fence through Mad Monty!
MONTY
I...I...I don’t know what you’re talking about...
BOWDEN
Spoken just like someone who knows what he’s talking about!
JAKE
I don’t want to have to get rough, mister, but...aww who am I kidding, of course I want to get rough!
SFX: SMACK!
STICKLER
OK! OK! it was...it was my hamster.
JAKE
Nonsense, a hamster’s not tall enough to reach the shelves in Toro’s!
SFX: SMACK!
STICKLER
OK! OK! It was my otter!
GLORIA
Baloney! An otter lacks dexterous appendages on his forepaws, how would be pick anything up!
SFX: SMACK!
STICKLER
I swear it was my hamster!
(SMACK)
My otter!
(SMACK)
My hamster!
(SMACK)
My otter!
(SMACK)
It was my hamster and my otter!
SFX – TRANSITION MUSIC
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
It wasn’t long before Stickler was spilling his sad story. How inflation had left him unable to feed his animals and fend off any further PETA firebombing. So he’d trained his hamster and otter to work as a team, sneaking into Toro’s nightly through the plumbing. The hamster would climb onto the otter’s back and steal whatever he could grip. Then the furry felons would slip out the same way they came in, and handle the necessaries at Monty’s.
TORO
Ohhh Mister Mittens, Miss Kovak, Mister Montcrief, I cannot thank you enough!
GLORIA
No worries, Giuseppe. It’s all in a day’s work.
JAKE
Kovak. I may have underestimated you.
GLORIA
You’re not the first, Mittens, and you won’t be the last.
JAKE
Maybe, but I’ve learned my lesson. You’re a solid PI, and an OK dame in my book.
BOWDEN
And you’re more than an OK dame in my book!
GLORIA
Whoah! Bo! Careful—
BOWDEN
I can’t help it, Gloria Kovak, sometimes you just make me want to dance...
SFX – A HUGE CRASH, SOMETHING FALLS AND BREAKS. A LONG SILENCE
TORO
Oh...oh no...
JAKE
What fell? I hope it wasn’t--
GLORIA
Forget it, Jake. It’s the china clown.
MUSIC: THEME TUNE
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
So, maybe Jake Mittens won’t be singing my praises down at his Private Club for Private Eyes. But John Q. Public can rest easy in the privacy of his own home thanks to decent folks like me and my Bo. My name’s Kovak, and I’m a private eye.
COOL NARRATOR GUY
You’ve been listening to “Gloria Kovak, PI: China Clown” Starring Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Bob Killion as Jake Mittens, J. Michael DeAngelis as Toro, Pete Barry as Mad Monty and John Dowgin as Sherman Stickler. Written by John Dowgin and directed by Pete Barry. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2024 Extraordinary Missions Limited.