Season Four Bonus: Gloria Kovak, P.I.: “The Big Float”
Transcript
EXT. THE BIG CITY - NIGHT
The sounds of sultry jazz.
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
This city’s got a million stories. And when I’m done with it, it’ll have two million stories. That’s about thirty-nine stories a day if I live to be a hundred. But most people in my line don’t make it past twenty-five. My name’s Kovak. I’m a private eye, and this is my story.
INT. KOVAK DETECTIVE AGENCY - DAY
BOWDEN
Gloria? You’ve got a client in the waiting room!
GLORIA
Thanks, Bo! Wait - I don’t have anyone scheduled for this afternoon.
BOWDEN
It’s a walk-in. Actually...it looks like a hiding-from-the-police-in. Gloria gets up from the desk and heads for the waiting room.
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
That’s my beau. His name’s Bo. A hundred twenty words a minute, and his typing’s not bad, either. Even if he can’t spell “embezzlement”.
SFX: Gloria opens the waiting room door.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
Welcome to Kovak Detective Agency, miss -
FINKIE
Pull the shades, will ya?
GLORIA
Whatever makes you comfortable. Bo?
BOWDEN
I’m on it!
SFX: He pulls the shades.
GLORIA
I suppose somebody’s out looking for you, and their name starts with “Officer”.
FINKIE
I didn’t do it, Kovak! I been framed! I wouldn’t set foot in a private dick’s office otherwise, but...I hear you’re the best.
GLORIA
Let’s start with you telling me your story, and let’s start that with “My name is...”
BOWDEN
Or “once upon a time”, if it’s magical.
FINKIE
Maybe dark magic. My name’s Ellen Finklestein, but people who know me call me Finkie. I was up for ten years on grand theft auto, but I got out after three.
BOWDEN
For finking?
FINKIE
I never fink!
GLORIA
I fink you should tell us why you’re here.
FINKIE
I got out for good behavior! I don’t steal no more! But the cops are after me for robbing the Fourth of July parade last week!
BOWDEN
I read about this in the papers! The Stars-and-Stripes Queen had the scepter yanked right out of her hand by a masked assailant, dressed all in black!
GLORIA
And it was tipped with a diamond the size of a hard-boiled egg.
BOWDEN
That’s a specific image.
GLORIA
That’s the kind of images you come up with when you’re a hard-boiled detective.
FINKIE
Well whoever it was jumped into the balloon car and drove off!
GLORIA
Is that...a car made of balloons?
FINKIE
No, dummy! It’s just all covered in balloons as part of the parade.
GLORIA
And why would they think it was you?
FINKIE
Because...because I was supposed to be driving it. It was an outreach float, it was designed and manned by ex-cons. We did our time, and we’re re-integrating into the community, see?
GLORIA
So you were supposed to drive the big float. Why didn’t you?
FINKIE
My alarm didn’t go off that morning.
GLORIA
That’s a pretty flimsy alibi, Finkie.
FINKIE
I didn’t do it, Kovak! And I’m not going back to the slammer! I’ll steal a car and let ‘em chase me down first!
GLORIA
Okay, okay, keep your pants on. Who was working this float?
FINKIE
Me, an ex-dealer named Joey Coke -
BOWDEN
Joey Coke?
FINKIE
I didn’t name him, sweetheart!
GLORIA
Who else? Who did the balloons?
FINKIE
Some clown named Handsome Ralph.
BOWDEN
Was he...an actual clown?
FINKIE
Of course he was an actual clown, he decked out an entire car in balloons! We were working on the car in Ralph’s garage, it was a donated Dodge Charger.
GLORIA
Anyone else?
FINKIE
Well...my ex-boyfriend Nate Garvey. But he was just there to supervise the project, make sure we weren’t up to no good.
GLORIA
Nate doesn’t have a record?
FINKIE
No...he’s a cop.
BOWDEN
Well, we all have relationships we regret.
FINKIE
I remember chasing him back in the day. Now he’s chasing me. Kovak, I’m throwing myself on your mercy, here. You gonna help me or turn me in?
GLORIA
Oh, I’m gonna turn you in...to a fully reformed and accepted member of society.
FINKIE
That was a weird way to say that, but you’re all right, Kovak.
GLORIA
C’mon, Bo. Let’s head to the scene of the crime.
TRANSITION MUSIC
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
We revved up Daisy and tore over to the Little Creek Covered Bridge, where the papers said the getaway car had mysteriously disappeared, right out from under all those police snouts.
EXT. THE COVERED BRIDGE
BOWDEN
I had no idea we had a covered bridge in our area!
GLORIA
Only thirteen miles outside of town, and only a hundred fifty miles away from being part of a second-rate bridge tour.
NATE
Hey you! What are you doing here?
GLORIA
Just my job, officer. Gloria Kovak, Private -
NATE
Ohhh I know who are, Kovak. Always getting your nose up in police business. Who you working for now?
GLORIA
That’s my business, Officer...Gundry? Nate Gundry?
NATE
That’s me. What’s it to you?
GLORIA
A little bird mentioned you.
NATE
A little Fink, you mean? She’s wanted for questioning, you know!
BOWDEN
Some way to treat an ex-girlfriend.
NATE
Well she made me look like a fool! I was supposed to be supervising those crooks! She belongs back in jail, if you ask me.
GLORIA
Who’s your partner there, Gundry?
CHET
Oh, I’m new to the force.
GLORIA AND BOWDEN
WHAT?!?
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
Chet Phillips. He works undercover for Terry Millionaire. Says he’s “doing good”, but all I see him “doing” is doing dirty deeds.
NATE
Do you know these two?
CHET
Never seen ‘em before. I’m Officer Phillips Chetsky.
BOWDEN
That is the worst name I’ve ever heard.
GLORIA
Okay, “Phillips”, if that is your real name, which...I guess it is...what went down on the day of the robbery?
NATE
Well that balloon car led the whole force on a thirteen mile chase to this covered bridge. It drove inside, our guys followed...but it never came out the other side.
BOWDEN
Impossible!
CHET
We got multiple witnesses saying they saw all the cars go in, but only the cop cars came out.
NATE
We had almost a dozen cars on it.
GLORIA
And you didn’t see them get away?
NATE
It’s dark inside that bridge! Plus a buncha balloons got in the way!
CHET
We think they released the balloons as a smoke screen. You tie all of them up with string, one good yank, they all come loose.
NATE
Or maybe the whole car was made out of balloons and it just popped!
BOWDEN
Don’t get smart, Gundry!
NATE
Someone has to. Look, we’ve already know who the perp is - it’s that Joey Coke.
BOWDEN
Joey Coke?
NATE
Yeah, he split town. Smarter than those other two. He knew we were onto him. Well we’ll bring him back, and we get old Finkie too as a co-conspirator!
GLORIA
Officer Phillips? Walk with me for a minute.
CHET
Happy to be of help.
SFX: They start walking away across the covered bridge.
CHET (CONT'D)
(quieter)
You can’t hide Finkie forever, Kovak.
GLORIA
Chet, you know this doesn’t add up! Three ex-cons trying to go straight, and a disappearing car?
CHET
Well, one of them did it! What makes you so sure it wasn’t your client?
BOWDEN
What about the clown? Maybe he’s a stage magician!
CHET
Handsome Ralph? He was out of town doing a party! We’ve got twenty toddlers for witnesses!
GLORIA
Well while you’re out here playing cop, Phillips, you can at least get me the records on this parade float.
CHET
You got it. It was a community project, they had that car well documented - make, model, color and mileage.
SFX: Gloria taps on the wooden bridge rail.
GLORIA
I wanna know how to vanish a car that’s as solid as this brIIIIDGE…
SFX: The rail splinters and Gloria falls off the bridge. SPLASH!
CHET
Kovak!
BOWDEN
Gloria! Are you okay?
GLORIA
(calling up)
Can someone get me a change of clothes?
TRANSITION MUSIC.
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
I spent a late night at the office drinking cheap tea with expensive honey. A car doesn’t just float away, even if it is a float. I needed one last clue...and then the clue called me.
SFX: Ring ring! Gloria answers the phone.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
Kovak Detective Agency.
HANDSOME RALPH (ON PHONE)
Miss Kovak? I’m afraid...I may be in danger.
GLORIA
Who is this?
HANDSOME RALPH (ON PHONE)
I’m an associate of Finkie Finklestein. I used to cash bad checks, but nowadays, I mostly...play children’s parties.
GLORIA
Handsome Ralph? You’re the clown who dressed up the getaway car in balloons!
HANDSOME RALPH
I didn’t want to, Miss Kovak, you must believe me! I didn’t want to go back to prison!
GLORIA
Where’s the diamond, Handsome? Where’s the car?
HANDSOME RALPH
I don’t have the diamond! But the car is in my garage! I have proof that...who’s there?
GLORIA
What’s going on?
HANDSOME RALPH
Who’s there - AAAH!
GLORIA
Handsome Ralph!
SFX: The line goes dead.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
I gunned Daisy all the way to the Children’s Entertainers District. I was too late. A bunch of deejays and magicians were standing on the sidewalk, all looking down at...
SFX: Gloria gasps. Nate grabs her.
NATE
What’re you doing here, Kovak?
GLORIA
Looking for this dead clown, Officer!
NATE
Looks like he jumped out the third story window. Probably the funniest thing he ever did. Where you going? That’s a crime scene!
SFX: Gloria throws open the door to the garage.
GLORIA
It’s the car.
NATE
Well lookit that. He musta known we were closing in and got nervous.
GLORIA
There’s no balloons on it...but you can feel the tack all over it where Ralph stuck the balloons on.
SFX: Gloria snaps a picture.
NATE
What’re you taking pictures of?
GLORIA
The dashboard.
NATE
Why?
GLORIA
Because I finally solved this case, Garvey. Meet me outside my office with your squad car and the case files. I’ll bring Finkie.
INTERIM MUSIC
EXT. STREETS - NIGHT
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
I told Finkie to meet me at the office. I felt like a heel not telling her the truth, but I needed the element of surprise on my side.
SFX: Finkie’s shoes clack up the sidewalk.
FINKIE
Kovak! What are you doing out here? Let’s get inside.
GLORIA
No, Finkie. This ends right now.
SFX: SCREECH. A police car pulls up.
NATE
Freeze, Finkie!
FINKIE
Nate! Kovak, you rat, you set me up!
GLORIA
You made it, Gundry. Ready to drive Finkie to jail?
NATE
You bet yer ass!
FINKIE
Sonovabitch!
GLORIA
You getting this on camera, Bo?
BOWDEN
And loving this energy, people!
GLORIA
Good. It’ll be a record for court when we clear Finkie’s name!
FINKIE
What?
NATE
What are you talking about?
GLORIA
The game’s up, Officer Nate Gundry! The only person you’re gonna arrest today...is yourself!
NATE
That’s not gonna happen!
BOWDEN
I don’t actually know if that’s legal.
GLORIA
You stole that diamond-tipped scepter. You were the man-in-black who jumped into that ballooncovered car and led the police on a merry chase to the Little Creek Covered Bridge!
FINKIE
You stole that diamond and tried to frame me, you scumbag?
NATE
What a load of crap. And then I suppose I flew away in my magic balloon car!
GLORIA
No. You had Handsome Ralph rig those balloons to tear away when you slipped under the cover of that covered bridge.
NATE
Then how come nobody nobody saw the car come out the other side?
GLORIA
Because that car never left Ralph’s garage. That’s why these mileage reports don’t show a twenty-sixmile round trip to the bridge and back to Ralph’s house!
BOWDEN
Wait, you’re saying it was a different car?
GLORIA
You threatened Ralph, didn’t you, Gundry? The night before the parade you made Ralph take all the balloons off his car - and put them on this police cruiser!
FINKIE
Oh my god, feel that, she’s right! There’s tack all over his cop car!
GLORIA
The witnesses saw the balloon car go in one side of the covered bridge - and a dozen cop cars come the other side.
BOWDEN
It’s like Phillips said - one well placed string and the balloons come right off, and Officer Gundry hides in plain sight in a police car!
GLORIA
Right after he stripped off his mask and black clothes, probably with his uniform underneath.
CHET (walking up)
I knew it! I’m a genius.
GLORIA
Phillips!
NATE
Help me out, partner! This dizzy dame is throwing wild accusations!
CHET
I got a better idea. I’m placing you under arrest.
GLORIA
You’re not even a real cop, Chet!
CHET
The boys in blue appreciate your assistance, citizen Kovak.
GLORIA
Chet! Get back here!
FINKIE
I don’t know what the hell that was all about, Kovak, but you saved my bacon. Thanks.
GLORIA
You know, Finkie? This might be the beginning of a beautiful finkship.
FINKIE
Nope, you ruined it.
GLORIA
I really did mean to say “friendship” and my mouth ran away from me -
FINKIE
Too late. Get lost.
SFX: She goes. Bowden claps an arm around Gloria.
BOWDEN
Chin up, kid. At least you got me.
GLORIA
Thanks, Bo. C’mon. Maybe this weekend we’ll drive out to the country and take that covered bridge tour.
SFX: They walk off.
GLORIA (NARRATOR) (CONT'D)
Well, tonight there’s one more story in this city, and one less criminal. For some people that’s breaking even, but it makes me feel like a million bucks. My name’s Kovak, and I’m a private eye.
END MUSIC
COOL NARRATOR GUY
You’re been listening to “Gloria Kovak, P.I.: The Big Float.” This episode was written and edited by Pete Barry. It starred Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Jill Ivey as Ellen Finklestein, Pete Barry as Nate Gundry, Bob Killion as Handsome Ralph and Kirk White as Chet Phillips. This has been a Porch Room production.