Season Five, Episode Twelve: “Don’t Tell Mom The Illuminati’s Dad”
Transcript

INT. WHITE HOUSE CABINET ROOM - EVENING

MUSIC: CAROL OF THE BELLS

SFX: General chatter as members of the cabinet wonder why they’ve been summoned on Christmas Day. A door opens and Chet enters.

CHET
Good evening. Thank you for coming. I’m sure you’re all wondering why I summoned my cabinet on Christmas Day.

NSA ADVISOR
Canada has finally made its move against us.

CHET
What? No, I mean of course not.

NSA ADVISOR
You mean not yet.

CHET
Ladies and gentlemen, since I was elevated to the presidency, I have become aware of a plot against our government. I mean...maybe not against it. A plot to...run the government...for us?

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR
Well. That sounds great. Can I go home to my kids now?

CHET
NO. Listen, there is a man behind the curtain, a master puppeteer, a one-man-band of a shadow government going by the name of O.G.

NSA ADVISOR
That’s really just...initials.

CHET
Yes, well, I was getting to that. The initials stand for Orville...something.

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR
Redenbacher?

CHET
No! That would be “O.R”!

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR
Oh right. Well...I’m stumped. Can I go home?

CHET
NO! Listen, Orville whoever has information about a world-ending crisis, but he’s not sharing the details. We can’t just sit by and wait for whatever is going to happen to...happen.

NSA ADVISOR
Why not? It’s what we usually do.

CHET
Come on! You’re my NSA advisor - what’s today’s situation report?

NSA ADVISOR
I’ve hear there’s grumbling coming out of Montreal...

CHET
Get your mind out of Canada. Do you have anything about Athena O’Brien?

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR
Oh! I got one of the new Athena Phones for Christmas, and I got my husband the AthenaPad. 5G! Absolutely blazing internet.

CHET
No, something criminal. She’s re-teamed with Admiral Fletcher.

NSA ADVISOR
Sir, Admiral Fletcher is dead. You killed him.

CHET
Yeah, and then he spent a year in my head!
(beat)
I mean. Uh. Forget I said anything that’s classified.

NSA ADVISOR
Are you feeling alright, Mr. President?

CHET
Yes, I’m fine. I need to know if you have any information about a new land mass forming under the sea that could rise and cause massive destruction across the globe.

NSA ADVISOR
I do not. Do you think that’s something that’s likely to happen?

CHET
O.G. does!

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR
And...why is that?

CHET
Because his computer or his data models or, I dunno, his psychic told him. He’s in the business of predictions. Wait a minute! Where’s Secretary Whitmire? He knows all about this!

NSA ADVISOR
I believe the Whitmire family spends the holiday on St. Thomas.

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR
So he’s in Bora Bora with his mistress.

CHET
Typical. You know I only pardoned him and gave him his job back because O.G. told me it would help stop this global disaster.

NSA ADVISOR
The new landmass rising from the sea?

CHET
Yes.

NSA ADVISOR
Controlled by The Admiral...

CHET
Yes.

NSA ADVISOR
Who was definitely dead...

CHET
Yes.

NSA ADVISOR
But is now back alive after spending a year inside your head.

CHET
I mean everything sounds worse when you say it in that tone.

NSA ADVISOR
I’m going to ask you again, sir. Do you feel alright?

CHET
What am I doing? I can just SHOW you! He has little offices in every nook and cranny of this place!

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR
The Admiral?

CHET
O.G.! He lives behind the curtain in my office...he’s got an annex in the Christmas tree...but his main operation is on the bottom floor. Come on, everybody up - field trip! Field trip!

NSA ADVISOR
The only thing on the bottom floor of the White House is the steam pipe distribution venue.

CHET
Not steam pipes. Pneumatic tubes. They come in from all over the world. Some from an apartment right here in Washington. That’s where I found former Speaker of the House Fran Nelson...

NSA ADVISOR
Who’s in jail.

CHET
And ex-Vice President Oz Powers...

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR
Also in jail.

CHET
And ex-President Dougie Henson!

NSA ADVISOR
Who’s dead.

CHET
No! He’s alive - and he’s with Nelson and Oz. They were working out of an apartment on X Street until I ran ‘em out of there!

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR
There IS no X Street in Washington D.C.

CHET
Look, I know I sound crazy.

NSA ADVISOR
You do? Well, that’s good.

CHET
It is?

NSA ADVISOR
Yes, because you’ve just admitted to your cabinet that you are non compos mentis and I am hereby invoking the 25th amendment of the United States Constitution to remove you from power.

CHET
WHAT?

NSA ADVISOR
It’s for your own good, and for the good of the nation. All in favor?

ALL
AYE!

NSA ADVISOR
Motion passes. Tell the Vice President they’ve been promoted.

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR
Who is the Vice President again?

NSA ADVISOR
I can’t keep track of these things. Go home to your kids, I’ll make sure former President Phillips is taken directly to a hospital for observation.

SFX: The cabinet members all get up from their chairs and hurry back home to their holidays.

CHET
Stop! Stop! I order you to stop! I’m the President of the United States!

NSA ADVISOR
Not anymore.

CHET
Look, you’ve got to believe me. I can prove all of this to you.

NSA ADVISOR
Oh, I believe you, Chet.

CHET
You do?

NSA ADVISOR
Of course. I’ve always had the feeling that there was some greater power out there, controlling our destiny...

CHET
Then I don’t understand what’s happening right now.

NSA ADVISOR
Mr. President...become one with the ocean.

CHET
Oh. Shit.

SFX: WHUMP! Chet’s hit over the head and slumps to the ground!

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “Don’t Tell Mom The Illuminati’s Dad.”

INT. SKIP AND MCGRATH’S APARTMENT - MORNING

OG
Son, I’m so sorry for all the time away. But I’m here now and I want to make it up to you.

MCGRATH
Skip, what in the name of Jolly Old Saint Nick is going on here?

SKIP
McGrath, Zelda, everybody... this is my father - Orville Granger.

ZELDA
O.G.

SFX: Studebaker bursts in

STUDEBAKER
Happy Arbor Day! (Beat beat) Oh boy, what did I miss?

ZELDA
Ooookay. Biff, McGrath, everyone...why don’t we give Skip and his father some privacy? Everybody out, the party’s over.

STUDEBAKER
I just got here!

MCGRATH
Fine, Studebaker, go to my room. Mini-McGrath can show off her bartending skills.

MINI MCGRATH
Pickle backs for everyone!

STUDEBAKER
What’s going on?

BOWDEN
Skip’s father, who he long thought to be dead, has reappeared at his doorstep on Christmas, revealing himself to be the secretive “man behind the curtain” that Skip has been literally going insane trying to prove his existence.

STUDEBAKER
That sounded like you were pitching a Hallmark movie.

BOWDEN
Well, I am now.

GLORIA
Bowden.

BOWDEN
We’ll call it “Father Christmas” -

GLORIA
BOWDEN.

MCGRATH
Skip, are you going to be okay? You want me to stay out here with you?

SKIP
No. I’ll be okay.

MCGRATH
You know I’m within earshot if you need me, Agent Granger.

SKIP
Thank you, Mackenzie.

MCGRATH (To O.G.)
I’m watching you, bub.

OG
Understood.

ZELDA
That makes two of us.

OG
You ladies have nothing to fear. Except the end of the world, of course.

ZELDA
Right.

SFX: Most folks go, while the team retreats into McGrath’s room with Studebaker and closes the door behind them.

SKIP
I don’t even know where to begin. Should I call mom? My siblings?

OG
No one can know that I’m alive. Not yet.

SKIP
Well bad news...it’s CHRISTMAS! I’m going to have to call them in the morning no matter what. Mom only does FaceTime now - you’re gonna have to stay out of frame!

OG
Skip - there will be time for a full family reunion, I promise, but first we have to save the world.

SKIP
It’s always something with you, isn’t it? “I can’t come to your school play, I have to meet with the UN”; “Sorry to miss your little league game, I’ve got an audience with the Pope”; “I can’t tell your mom I’m alive, we have to go save the world!”

OG
Son, your feelings are 100% valid, but we don’t have time for histrionics -

SKIP
THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SHOWN UP SOONER.

OG
That’s fair. Why don’t I try and explain myself as quickly as I can and then you can ask me any questions you want.

SKIP
Okay.

OG
I spent my adult life working for the State Department. I believed in public service. I believed in this country. I believed that the contributions of one person could - and should - make a positive ripple felt all around the world.

SKIPI modeled my entire life on that philosophy.

OG
My positive attitude and unassuming nature kept me around through multiple administrations. I received more and more overseas assignments, and those evolved from trade agreements and policy recommendations to work of a more sensitive nature. Top secret work.

SKIP
Were you CIA?

OG
No. Officially, I was only ever an employee of the State Department, but my work benefited the NSA, the FBI...even the EMF.

SKIP
None of this explains why you disappeared!

OG
When you were still young, I was on a routine assignment in Prague. That’s where I met C.B.

SKIP
C.B.?

OG
He was...the me before me. The previous man behind the curtain.

SKIP
So Section Chief Friday Saturday was right. There’s always been someone pulling the strings!

OG
Well, I don’t like the phrase ”pulling the strings”, but...yes, there’s been someone in my position for a long time. C.B knew of at least three before him. He came to me because he knew that my success in Prague could prevent a global nuclear conflict -

SKIP
You said it was a “routine assignment”.

OG
C.B. had...information. About how a small misstep could spiral into a catastrophe. Once we succeeded in Prague, he brought me inside - and now I want to bring you in.

SKIP
So this has nothing to do with healing old wounds. You just need me to defeat The Admiral.

OG
Son, you have to believe that both things can be true. ARE true. You and I can save the world - and that’s a pretty good first step towards patching up a relationship.

SKIP
Ok. I’m listening.

OG
You should call your team in.

SFX: The door bursts open and everybody comes back in.

MCGRATH
Here we are!

OG
The bug was...

MCGRATH
In the Lego Christmas village.

OG
I should have known.

STUDEBAKER
It’s Christmas!?!?

MCGRATH
Studebaker...just go back in my room, man.

STUDEBAKER
Okay doakes, Shelly Long.

GLORIA
Sorry we were eavesdropping, Skip.

MCGRATH
Oh he knew. He ASKED for it.

GLORIA
He did?

MCGRATH
He called me Mackenzie, G. He NEVER calls me Mackenzie.

GLORIA
It was CODE!

SKIP
Exactly.

BOWDEN
The Hallmark people are going to LOVE this.

ZELDA
Alright, O.G., start talking.

MCGRATH
That was a neat little dossier you put together on Big Z here, but that stuff about the future - anyone could make that up.

BOWDEN
Not the people at Hallmark.

GLORIA
Seriously, we’re going to need some better evidence before we just...go under the sea. Where is this New Atlantis, exactly?

OG
That, I don’t know.

SKIP
Well that’s just great, Dad.

OG
It is great, son. Because what I DO know is that at any moment now, someone who does know the location is going contact you. When that happens, you’ll understand that my system DOES make accurate predictions and we can proceed with the mission.

MCGRATH
Skip, I don’t buy it. This guy doesn’t know WHERE a world ending undersea city is hiding, but he knows that someone else knows and that person is, what...just going to walk up and knock on our door?

SFX: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

MCGRATH
Grrrrr!!!

OG
So sue me.

GLORIA
I’ll...get it.

SFX: Gloria answers the door. It’s TERRY MILLIONAIRE!

TERRY
I demand to speak to Skip Granger!

ZELDA
Terry Millionaire!?

GLORIA
Where the hell have you been?

BOWDEN
And what the hell are you doing here?

MINI MCGRATH
Pickle back?

TERRY
Oh my sweet TerryBot, what have they done to you!?

MCGRATH
What!? No, her name is Mini McGrath and I made her! The kit was a Christmas gift from...

TERRY
That thieving harlot Athena O’Brien! She took my company, my money, my beloved patents. Even the pending ones!

ZELDA
Millionaire, you better give me one good reason not to haul your ass off to jail right now.

TERRY
Because we want the same thing: to see Admiral Fletcher’s hopes and dreams crushed in front of him.

MCGRATH
Aww, did your love connection not work out?

TERRY
A kidnapping is more like it. After he used TerryCorps technology to download his mind into a clone body, he forced me to give him shelter in one of my TerrySea underwater research labs, abusing my exclusive TerryBot nano technology to create his twisted vision of New Atlantis...and then, when he had no further use for me, he went running back into the arms of that interloper O’Brien and he shot me out of a torpedo tube!

BOWDEN
None of that could’ve happened to a nicer guy.

TERRY
I am prepared to take you right to the heart of New Atlantis.

ZELDA
In exchange for what?

TERRY
Let’s say...the dropping of all outstanding charges against me.

MCGRATH
Screw off.

TERRY
Then good luck finding it on your own.

ZELDA
I’d have to clear it with Secretary Whitmire -

TERRY
No! Do not involve Whitmire!

SKIP
The Section Chief can’t just grant you blanket clemency, Terry!

OG
Uh, I could. If you like.

TERRY
Who is this?

SKIP
That’s just my dad.

BOWDEN
Mr. Granger, sir, you are clearly a man in the know...if you don’t mind me asking, what’s in store for “Abbot & Costello: Vampire Hunters”? They’ve pushed it back twice now - I assume they’re saving it for Oscar season?

OG
Oh. No. That’s never going to be released. The studio is going to use it as a tax write off.

BOWDEN
I’M BEING ZASLAV’D??!

OG
Never trust a Warner brother.

SKIP
Fine, Terry, give us the coordinates and you’ve got your deal.

TERRY
Oh no no no. Terry Millionaire doesn’t do anything without terms and conditions. I take you to New Atlantis myself and accompany you every step along the way. I want to see the defeat in Fletcher’s eyes when you bring him down.

ZELDA
And stand idly by while you stab us in the back? I don’t think so.

SKIP
Dad?

OG
The chances of Terry betraying you are...one second, I have to check my notebook.

SFX: OG pulls a little notepad and starts flipping through it.

OG
Sorry, memory isn’t what it used to be. Ah. The chance of Terry betraying you is only 18%.

GLORIA
That’s not exactly comforting.

OG
It’s not bad! For example, as a white woman under forty with a master’s degree, you have almost a 20% chance of becoming a millionaire in your lifetime.

GLORIA
That’s never going to happen!

OG
Exactly. So 18% means you’re all but in the clear. Plus, the odds can be swayed in your favor. Back at my office, I have the ability to monitor your progress and try to influence events to your favor.

MCGRATH
You don’t have a laptop you could do that from?

OG
I’m afraid my predictive system isn’t online. Not in the way you’re thinking.

GLORIA
Look, enough of this nonsense! How do you expect us to get to the bottom of the ocean?

BOWDEN
Just climb on board my movie career, it’s sinking faster than the Titanic.

TERRY
I have access to a submarine.

SKIP
How? Your entire empire was consumed by AthenaCorps.

TERRY
Ah, but not my lifetime membership in Suber.

MCGRATH
SUBER?

TERRY
The world’s leading submarine on-demand service. I’m a gold tier member. Only Betty White had a higher status than me, bless her.

SKIP
Alright, then. We go using Terry’s sub service.

OG
Actually, Skip, I was hoping you’d come with me.

SKIP
I go with my team.

OG
I know, son, but as I told Gloria, I can help to “pull the strings,” as you put it. If you come with me, use your knowledge of how your team operates, our chances of helping them go through the roof.

SKIP
I think I could be more help on the mission.

OG
I know this has all been a lot and it probably didn’t make much sense.

SKIP
YOU THINK?

OG
I’d like to show you where I work and what I do. It will give me the chance to explain better the choices I’ve had to make. Why I put you and the family through this.

MCGRATH
It’s your call, Skip. If you need to go figure stuff out with your dad, we got this.

SKIP
I have so many questions, McGrath.

MCGRATH
Then go get some answers, bud.

SKIP
I don’t want to abandon the team.

MCGRATH
You’re not. You’re gonna go pull the strings, remember?

SKIP
Senior Agent Kovak?

GLORIA
Yes, Agent Granger?

SKIP
You bring your team home safe. I’m going to work with my dad.

GLORIA
Understood.

ZELDA
Gloria, stay on comms. I’ll hang back and coordinate with Pat and the other agency heads in case things go pear shaped.

SFX: A cell phone alert.

TERRY
Our Suber has been reserved. We’d better go - if we don’t pick it up in thirty minutes, they’ll give it to some other bored billionaire.

BOWDEN
Say, Terry, got any rich friends who’d buy a soon-to-be-classic film away from a short-sighted studio?

TERRY
Only as a tax write-off.

BOWDEN (dejected)
Let’s all go to the bottom of the ocean.

SFX: They all head out. After a beat...

STUDEBAKER (IN THE BEDROOM)
Can I come out of the room now?

MINI MCGRATH
No way, Jose.

STUDEBAKER (IN THE BEDROOM)
Okey dokes.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. UNDERGROUND SERVICE HALLWAY - DAY

SFX: A DOOR OPENS

OG
OK, Skip, through here... watch your head, you’re a little taller than I am...

SKIP
Do you travel exclusively via secret tunnel?!

OG
With DC traffic, that’s this job’s biggest perk. Follow me!

SKIP
Dad...dad, wait! Where are we...

OG
No time to explain, we’re already behind schedule.

SKIP
DAD, STOP! I’m not taking another step until you give me some idea as to what I’m walking into!

OG
You’re right. Skip, there’s so much I want to tell you. So much I’ve missed. Teaching you to drive -

SKIP
I won an illegal road race, thanks.

OG
How to play ball...

SKIP
I pitched in the minors!

OG
What do when you fall hopelessly in love.

SKIP
I’ve already picked out my secret family abandonment bunker. Oh my. That was sarcasm.

OG
All that time spent with Mackenzie McGrath was bound to have some effect on you.

SKIP
Yeah, I guess- wait. What do you know about McGrath? How do you know anything about me?!?

OG
Skip, I’ve never taken my eyes off you. Let me show you how. Right here, through these doors.

SFX: A click as a secret door opens.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - PRESIDENTIAL PUZZLE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

SKIP
Here? This is just the... what’s this sign say, the... Presidential Puzzle Building Room? ARE WE IN THE WHITE HOUSE?!?!

OG
This happens to be one of the easier throughways to my little realm. See that bust of celebrity puzzler Hugh Jackman?

SKIP
On the mantle?

OG
He won a Presidential Medal of Freedom for that. Turn it 23 degrees counterclockwise.
(a pause)
It’s okay. I promise. All your answers lie just beyond Hugh Jackman’s head.

SFX: Scraping as Skip turns the bust. Then, much heavier scraping at the whole fireplace flips around secret door style.

SKIP
Woah! The fireplace is a secret door??

OG
This is the White House, Skip. Everything is a secret door.

INT. OG'S REALM - OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

SFX: The low murmur of chatter and the sound of machinery - tubes shooting messages in and out, dials...steam engines?

SKIP
What is this place?

OG
This is the center of it all. All of these tubes and lines connect to intelligence channels across the world.

SKIP
It’s like we’re inside of the Iron Giant.

OG
Your favorite movie.

SKIP
It was.

OG
Ah. Things have changed I suppose. What is it now?

SKIP
Paddington 2.

SFX: A wall slides open and Midge pops out.

MIDGE
Hello, O.G.

SKIP
Ah! A woman! In the walls!

MIDGE
Well gee, based on these sour faces, you’d think the last Blockbuster closed.

OG
Not on my watch!

SKIP
Please don’t talk about the last Blockbuster.

OG
Oh right! That must be a painful memory.

SKIP
You knew about that too, huh?

OG
Skip, this is Midge, my right hand woman. She keeps the gears of this place oiled. And as you can see, that takes a lot of oil. Midge, this is Skip. My son.

MIDGE
Your son? Oh. Is today...?

OG
I hope so.

MIDGE
Well, I don’t mean to throw a wrench in things, but we have a new data set from the machine.

OG
We’ll be right over.

SFX: Footsteps as Midge walks away.

SKIP
Dad-

OG
I think you’ll find this all very exciting. Come on, let me show you.

SKIP
Dad-

OG
It really is a remarkable feat of engineering, especially when you consider it goes back to Lincoln’s time and he was definitely not a plumbing guy--

SKIP
DAD!
(a beat)
Why did you leave?

OG
Skip...I had to.

SKIP
I would say a man has to be there for his family.

OG
I know.

SKIP
You were in and out for long stretches most of my childhood. It wasn’t great, but it’s what I was used to. And then you didn’t come back. Do you know what that did to us kids? Trip was barely 3! Mom swears your leaving triggered his fixation on Elmer’s glue!

OG
I wish you all hadn’t had to go through that. But what C.B. tapped me to do was...too important.

SKIP
...wow. I guess we just weren’t that important, then.

OG
You were the most important thing in the world to me. And I know that choosing this life hurt you, and our family. And I’m sorry.

SKIP
We thought you were dead.

OG
It was the only was to truly disappear. I AM sorry, but I can’t afford regrets, Skip, because our suffering was a fraction of what others would have suffered had I chosen differently.

SKIP
...how?

OG
Just come with me and you’ll understand. I know it’s a big ask, but I need you to trust me.

SKIP
I don’t. I can’t. But I need to understand. Darn you Blue’s Clues for instilling me with an unquenchable curiosity!

OG
I’ll take it. Walk with me.

SFX: Footsteps as they walk.

OG
Hundreds of billions of events occur every moment, any one of which could veer off into catastrophe. At any given second on any given day, the fate of the human race, of the world entire, stands balanced on a knife’s edge. My job is to... keep it all from falling off that edge.

SKIP
No, that’s what we do at the EMF. You’re...living in a wall, hiding from your family.

OG
Let me put in more concrete terms. In a way I think you’ll appreciate.

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

SKIP (gasps)
Your tie! Is that....

OG
A Matsuhito portable slide projector. Tie pin edition.

SKIP
I thought those were an urban legend, that the prototype put the company out of business!

OG
It did. This is the prototype.
(CLICK)
This bill is working its way through the Senate Armed Services committee. It would remove all naval submersibles from the Potomac River, relocating them a minimum of fifty miles from any concentration of civilians.

SKIP
That sounds... good.

OG
It does, doesn’t it? But it can’t be allowed.
(CLICK)
This is the latest algorithmic impact data surrounding this decision. Take a look.

SKIP
It’s a diagram of a fish?

OG
The stretch of the Potomac in question is home to approximately 64,000 largemouth bass. These bass spend part of the year further downstream in a small rural mining town called Dumptown before swimming back upstream their old Potomac home. Removing two dozen navy submersibles will drastically alter currents and water temperature. The environmental stress will decrease their population in the area by 64%.

SKIP
Eliminating them as a food source.

OG
Eventually Dumptown will collapse, and its primary employer--the largest aluminum mine in the country--will close.

SKIP
Oh no! The country won’t have sufficient foil to store their leftovers!

OG
Or build structures, motors, window frames...all because of one Senate bill with unforeseen consequences.
(beat)
But. What if...?
(CLICK)
...this local library group in Burrellville, Rhode Island goes viral in its support of a new transit hub...
(CLICK)
... which their senator adds as a rider to the Potomac submersible bill...
(CLICK)
... infuriating this Senator from Connecticut, whose own constituents don’t want to pay taxes to build more transit lines...
(CLICK)
...causing Connecticut to filibuster and table the vote indefinitely.

SKIP
...and you can make that happen?

OG
With the press of a button. See, Skip? I’m keeping the plates spinning. For everything. It’s a thankless job... but the most important ones usually are.

SKIP
And how do you know you’re spinning the plates the right way?

OG
I’ll show you.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. NEW ATLANTIS - UNDER THE SEA! - SIMULTANEOUS

SFX: THE TEAM ARE ALL IN DIVE SUITS AND REBREATHERS. ABOVE THEM, WHALE SONG ECHOS THROUGH THE OCEAN.

GLORIA
Bowden...I didn’t expect us to spend our to spend Christmas deep-sea diving into the Mariana Trench but...the two of us swimming with blue whales is one of the most amazing experiences I could ever imagine, sweetheart!
(no response)
Sweetheart?

BOWDEN (terrified)
Sorry love. It’s a little like watching two school buses floating over your head.

MCGRATH
It’s like watching two school buses aggressively trying to get the same parking spot over your head.

TERRY
I believe they’re copulating.

GLORIA
Let’s, um, give them some privacy.

BOWDEN (grumbling)
It’s like watching Warner Brothers and Disney.

MCGRATH
Terry, you should have told your sub driver to drop us closer!

TERRY
Why, so we could get torpedoed like your friend’s vampire movie?

BOWDEN
WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY YOU WANT ME TO CUT YOUR AIR SUPPLY LINE?

GLORIA
Terry, if you don’t want to end up in prison or at the bottom of this trench, you’re going to show this undersea city you built!

TERRY
Of course. Right...over...here!

SFX: FAINT ENGINE HUMMING

GLORIA
Amazing!

MCGRATH
You’re telling me you used nanites to build this in less than a year?

TERRY
Oh, they were beautiful. A swarm of tiny airborne robots working together, printing particles into shapes, walls, glass and wood.

BOWDEN
Like bacteria building plaque on your smile.

TERRY
Inelegant, but technically correct. Perhaps the way sea creatures build coral reefs would be more poetic.

MCGRATH
By “sea creatures” - are you saying this robot cloud can swim underwater?

TERRY
Of course.

MCGRATH
Like that?

GLORIA
Oh no! Watch out!

SFW: NANITES SWAM PAST THEM. THE FOUR ARE SPUN ABOUT IN THEIR WAKE.

MCGRATH
Dammit! Now they know we’re coming!

TERRY
Not necessarily. The nanites are too small to be all-purpose machines - they build, but they do not “report back”.

BOWDEN
Just like my contacts at Sony.

GLORIA
Look! They’re swarming underneath the city!

MCGRATH
They’re going to have to get back inside somewhere. We can follow them in!

GLORIA
Swim for it!

SFX: THEY SWIM. THE NANITE CLOUD GETS CLOSER.

GLORIA
It looks like they’re going into some kind of intake pipe!

TERRY
It’s an egress tube to allow them to enter and exit the city.

SFX: THE SWARM VANISHES UP THE TUBE.

BOWDEN
Um...if this tube was designed for a cloud of tiny robots it probably hasn’t been cleared for human travel, has it?

MCGRATH
Mm. Only one way to find out.

TERRY
Wait, what are you doing?!?

MCGRATH
Little help, Gloria?

SFX: THEY STUFF TERRY INTO THE TUBE.

TERRY
Stop I’ve already been shot out of this city I don’t want to be shot INNNNN

SFX: TERRY IS SUCKED UP THE TUBE..

BOWDEN
Um. Did he make it?

TERRY (MUFFLED)
That was awful!

GLORIA
Sounds like it. I’ll go next.

SFX: WHOOOOSH!

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. OG'S REALM - CENTRAL HUB - SIMULTANEOUS

SFX: DOOR OPENS, BIG COMPUTER ROOM, NOW THE PNEUMATIC TUBES ARE REALLY SPINNING

OG
Welcome to the nerve center of the operation, son. These machines crunch numbers sent to me from around the globe, calculating millions of probabilities a second, telling me where the world is headed. Sometimes it’s clear and sometimes it’s...less so. Either way, I work the numbers and find alternate solutions when the likely outcome is unacceptable. For instance...Section Chief Anders’ recent promotion.

SKIP
You blocked her promotion?

OG
It gave me no pleasure. But the numbers were clear.

SKIP
How clear?

OG
There was a...
(Consults his notebook)
...94.627% chance that Secretary of Defense Anders would eventually need to make a decision that would endanger the head of the CIA.

SKIP
Pat?

OG
She’d have to choose between her wife and the world. And the probability that she’d pick the world -

SKIP
- is zero.

OG
...didn’t even need the data to tell you that, huh?

SKIP
I’m starting to understand. A little maybe.

OG
You ever wonder was Pat goes by Pat Rose-Anders, but Zelda only uses Anders? I wonder if she’s anthophobic. I could run some numbers...

SFX: SCHOOMP! A TUBE SPITS OUT A MESSAGE CAPSULE.

OG
Look at that! Duty calls.

SFX: OG OPENS THE CONTAINER.

SKIP
What does it say?

OG
Okay, yes. At this precise moment, there’s a 58% chance that a proposed A.I. data center on the site of the former Three Mile Island nuclear power plant would have disastrous effect on the local water supply, decimating Pennsylvania’s farmland by 12% in the next year alone.

SKIP
58% isn’t a terribly high chance.

OG
But is it low enough to ignore?

SKIP
It... would seriously disrupt the nation’s agriculture supply.

OG
Good instinct. So with this panel of dials and buttons, we can control the flow and priority of information, make suggestions to policy makers... the sky’s the limit. So knowing what we know, and with all of this ability to affect change at our fingertips... what would you do?

SKIP
Me?

OG
Yes. Just off the top of your head. What’s your instinct?

SKIP
Well...I see some Wall Street connected levers here. I guess I’d start by bankrupting the company looking to build on the site.

OG
Ah, that would be Microsoft. You really want to tank one of the major American companies?

SKIP
After Windows 11? But point taken. I can see a lighter touch is needed. Well, Three Mile Island is on the Susquehanna River, with lots of public green around it. If it were me, I’d increase funding to State Parks, which looks like I can goose with this dial here, make it a more attractive area for tourists. If the local tourist economy booms, they’re less in need of Clippy’s blood money. Also, there’s a Frito Lay factory in nearby York...which makes Funyons! The most popular snack in the state! If people knew their access to Funyons was threatened, they’d protest the building of the data center, so I wiggle this dial to alert the snack bloggers. Plus, I’d want to raise awareness with a catchy social media campaign, and it looks like Taylor Swift’s TikTok is controlled by... this dial here.

OG
Skip... that’s exactly what I would do.

SKIP
Really?

OG
Why don’t you go ahead and do the honors?

SKIP
Oh... okay...

SFX: SKIP ADJUSTS SOME KNOS AND A NEW TUBE ARRIVES

OG
Ahhh looks like we have an update.
(he reads)
Skip, there’s an 86% chance you saved 12,000 Pennsylvanian farmers from devastating loss, as well as 15,000 beavers. Congratulations.

SKIP
That feels... incredible.

OG
It does, doesn’t it? And you’re a natural. I’m not surprised though. Your mother always said you and I were cut from the same cloth.

SKIP (The mention of his mother snapping him back from his high)
Right.

SFX: ANOTHER TUBE

SKIP (Brushing off his sadness)
What’s that? Is there something else we can help people with?

OG
Hm? Oh, this isn’t anything for now. Just a situation I’ve been monitoring. But actually... the fishing mafia in the Okayama Prefecture has been looking a little dicey lately... I wonder if you’d want to take a look? Help me figure out what can be done to keep it in equilibrium?

SKIP
Yeah. I would.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

MIDGE
Oh, hey, you got the beavers sorted out?

OG
Skip handled it with aplomb. Now we’re going to the South Wing to look at yakuza warfare in Okayama.

MIDGE
Have fun! Ooh, and something came in about one of the American Idol judges too.

SKIP
American Idol is still on?

OG
American Idol is the only thing stopping Canada from invading.

SFX: SKIP AND OG EXIT

MIDGE (to herself)
Cute family. Wonder how the kid will be as my bo-

SFX: SOMEONE JUMPS OUT AND GRABS MIDGE

MIDGE
Hey! Let me go! YOU???

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. NEW ATLANTIS - HATCH ROOM - SIMULTANEOUS

SFX: GLORIA FLOPS ONTO THE FLOOR LIKE A FISH. TERRY IS SPUTTERING.

TERRY
I’M WET! I’M WET! I’M HYSTERICAL AND I’M WET!

GLORIA
Oh get over yourself and be quiet!

SFX: FLOOSH! MCGRATH FLOPS OUT OF THE TUBE ONTO TERRY!

McGRATH
Definitely not designed for human beings. Thanks for breaking my fall, Terry.

TERRY
I’m in pain and I’m wet!

SFX: FLOOSH! BOWDEN SHOOTS OUT OF THE TUBE..

BOWDEN
Well they flushed my career down the toilet, now I know what it’s like to get flushed up one.

GLORIA
Everyone shush! Is the swarm still nearby?

TERRY
It’s possible the nanites have gone to recharge.

MCGRATH
What kind of security do they have in here?

TERRY
I have no idea which mercenaries they’ve hired or what kind of horrible things they’ve booby-trapped this place with since I was forcibly ejected from it!

GLORIA
Okay. We’re going to go quick and quiet. Stay alert. Be ready for guards, guns, laser grids, attack dogs - the worst.

MCGRATH
Sure thing, boss.

BOWDEN
Aye aye, captain.

TERRY
<grumble>

GLORIA
Go!

MUSIC: ACTION MUSIC.

SFX: GLORIA AND THE OTHERS EXIT, READY TO ATTACK ANYTHING THEY SEE

TERRY
I’m still wet.

GLORIA
Shut up! Agent McGrath? I’ve got a computer-locked door.

MCGRATH
On it.

SFX: MCGRATH STARTS HACKING THE DOOR.

GLORIA
I’m on point. Whatever’s behind this door, I want it to come for me first.

BOWDEN
Yes ma’am.

MCGRATH
Ready.

GLORIA (psyching herself up)
Okay.

SFX: GLORIA BREAKS OPEN THE DOOR...

...nothing’s here.

GLORIA
Ah! It’s...a closet.

BOWDEN
Hm. Maybe it’s a trap closet!

GLORIA
Maybe!

TERRY
No, simply a closet. As barren as your career.

BOWDEN
How. Dare. You.

GLORIA
All right. Next door.

SFX: THEY TRAVEL DOWN THE HALL. A BEEPING NOISE FROM MCGRATH.

MCGRATH
Gloria? Big double doors.

GLORIA
That looks like a depot of some kind.

BOWDEN
Weapons?

MCGRATH
Mainframe?

GLORIA
I’m betting it’s something too important to be left unguarded.

SFX: KICKS IN THE DOOR -

GLORIA
...aaaand it’s unguarded.

MCGRATH
Terminals, though! I can get into their systems.

GLORIA
Do it!

BOWDEN

Be careful, Mac! Who knows what kind of security they might -

MCGRATH
Uhhh the password is “become”, the number 1, and...you get it.

GLORIA
They could be lulling us into a false sense of security -

MCGRATH
Yeah I’ve got control of the whole station.

GLORIA
I have to admit this has been a little anticlimactic.

BOWDEN
Like a movie used as a tax write-off.

GLORIA
Terry, how many guards were stationed on this base when you left?

TERRY
None. It was just Fletcher and I until Athena and the old man showed up to evict me.

MCGRATH
Is it possible they’re still alone down here? The Admiral is nuts, but Athena is more careful than that.

GLORIA
Agent McGrath, find whatever mechanism can cause this city to rise to the surface and permanently disable it.

MCGRATH
Uhhh, no can do.

GLORIA
Why not?

MCGRATH
Because somebody already has permanently disabled it.

GLORIA
Who?

ATHENA
Me.

SFX: GASPS AS ATHENA ENTERS

GLORIA
Ah hah! Athena O’Brien!

ATHENA
Sup.

KRISTATOS
Good evening, EMF scum.

TOMAS
<brays>

TERRY
Excellent! Take her out!

BOWDEN
You’ll never get away with this, Athena!

ATHENA
With what?

GLORIA
With...whatever you’re planning! Now put ‘em up!

ATHENA
Ooookay. I was planning to hand the Admiral over to you so you could put him in prison, but Dad’s itching for a fight if you want one.

KRISTATOS (brings out his knife)
It would be my great pleasure.

GLORIA
You...what?

ATHENA (to McGrath)
How you doing?

MCGRATH
Little confused. Help me out?

ATHENA
Sure. You’ve come here to bring the fugitive Admiral H.R.R. Fletcher to justice. I, a concerned citizen, will take you to him. I can’t have criminals in New Atlantis.

BOWDEN
I see. You’re going to let us take the Admiral off your hands, and you make millions off this city he built.

TERRY
That I built!

ATHENA
I have filed all the proper paperwork to incorporate this sovereign underwater habitat.

TERRY
My eye you have!

ATHENA
Show ‘em, Dad.

KRISTATOS
There you are. All nice and legal. Tomas is a notary public.

SFX: TOMAS BRAYS

GLORIA
Where’s the Admiral?

ATHENA
In his frigging chapel.

GLORIA
Okay. We’ll have to sneak up on him-

ATHENA
No problem. He practices his organ fifteen hours a day and he’s practically gone deaf from playing it.

GLORIA
You know, all the air has really gone out of this adventure.

MCGRATH
Wait. Athena. You can’t let this city rise to the surface. It’d be an environmental disaster -

ATHENA
Why would we rise the city to the surface?

BOWDEN
Because...that’s your evil super villain plan?

ATHENA
It’s an underwater city. The whole draw is that it stays underwater.

GLORIA
We have solid intel suggesting that the Admiral plans to send this city crashing to the ocean surface!

ATHENA
What kind of intel?

BOWDEN
...Skip’s dad told us at a Christmas party?

ATHENA
After how much eggnog?

MCGRATH
Athena, why did you dismantle the depth stabilizers on the city if you weren’t worried about it rising?

ATHENA
I’ve dismantled everything the Admiral had control over. Look, you think I don’t know he’s planning to betray me? Of course he is. I’ve known that maniac for seven years. Of course he thinks he’s going to try to use this city to conquer the ocean and then the earth itself. But it’s not gonna happen. Because I’m. Too. Smart for him. I have complete control over every part of this station. I’ve locked him out. I’ve subverted all of his devious plans, and I’ve thought of every other devious plan he’ll ever think up. So come this way, and please, haul him off my station?

TERRY
You’re not seriously considering listening to her?

BOWDEN
McGrath? You know her best. What do you think?

MCGRATH
Honestly? I think she’s telling the truth. She gets everything she wants.

GLORIA
All right Athena. Lead the way.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. OG’S REALM - SOUTH WING - SIMULTANEOUS

SFX: DIALS SPINNING

OG
Don’t spin it too fast, you don’t want the mapo tofu too spicy...

SKIP
This dial tips the driver...20%... and now...

OG
The head of the Okayama fishing mafia will have an unordered Mapo Tofu arrive on his doorstep--

SKIP
Two minutes after his favorite baseball team loses in the bottom of the eleventh inning--

OG
-- and by burying his emotions in spiciness--

SKIP
He’ll oversleep tomorrow and wake up too late to manipulate squid ink prices--

OG
Thereby saving Galveston, Texas!

SKIP
I admit that last jump still confuses me a bit, but... that was fun.

OG
Isn’t it nice saving the world from the comfort of a White House subbasement? Comfort being a relative term, of course.

SKIP
It is. And Dad?
(a breath)
I admit that the logical part of me understands why you had to leave. I mean, we’ve done so much good in just a few hours. What you do here is important. The logical part of me gets that.

OG
But...?

SKIP
But... I’m still mad at you.

OG
I know.

SKIP
It wasn’t perfect, but we were family. And you walked out on us and things were never the same. Mom tried so hard, but I couldn’t escape the empty hole you left behind. I drifted away from my siblings, tried to fill that emptiness by throwing myself into government work. But it was just a band-aid. Then fate landed me in charge of an EMF team. I didn’t know how much I needed a family until I found one. I’m glad to know what you do down here, and that you have the world’s best interests in mind. But it doesn’t change things. I miss my family - McGrath, Gloria, Bowden, and Zelda. And I just feel like I should be with them. You said we could help them, so let’s help. It’s time you showed me some intel on this mission.

OG (hands Skip a paper slip)
Alright. Here’s the most vital intel I have.

SKIP
According to the machine, if I accompanied the team to New Atlantis there is... a 100% chance? Really?

OG
One of the few 100% chances I’ve ever seen. Lots of 54.6s And 34.8s And even a 98.6 percent chance that a NASDAQ crash leads to an Academy Award for Uwe Boll. But hardly ever 100%. Go on. Read.

SKIP
- a 100% chance that if Skip Granger accompanies his team to New Atlantis... I DIE!?

OG
Yes. You would assuredly sacrifice yourself for the greater good. It’s the kind of person you are. Leaving you to go do an important job was one thing. Watching you go off to certain death.. I couldn’t live with myself if I allowed it.

SKIP
Dad... was there a dire outcome associated with my going to--

OG
Yes. You would have died.

SKIP
I mean on a global scale--

OG
YOU WOULD HAVE DIED. That’s dire enough. That’s global enough.

SKIP
But the mission would have succeeded? If I died, we’d defeat The Admiral?

OG
If you’re not there, the numbers still indicate a very good chance Miss Kovak and the others can accomplish -

SKIP
You shouldn’t have brought me here. You shouldn’t have risked it!

OG
Here he is. The kid who just can’t let a noble sacrifice pass him by.

SKIP
Excuse me?

OG
Oh come on, you can’t kid a kidder, kiddo. How many times have you rushed into death’s door for the greater good? Fighting an army of Admirals in an Antarctic ice cave? Taking the full force of a Deceptionem explosion to save D.C.? Using that self-destruct on Athena’s island when you thought there was no hope of escape?

SKIP
The world was at stake.

OG
And did you think of your mother? Or your siblings? How they would feel?

SKIP
They’d be safe, and alive.

OG
And you?

SKIP
...I’d be dead.

OG
You’d be disavowed. You’d vanish, and they’d never know what happened to you.
(easing up)
And you were prepared to do it anyway. For the greater good.

SKIP
I...uh...

OG
I knew if you went to New Atlantis, you wouldn’t be coming back. I sacrificed being there for you your whole life. Today I had the chance to make sure I didn’t lose you for good. And we ARE going to make sure your team gets back. The Granger men are at the helm of the most powerful machine in the world! What can stop us? You’re even more of a natural at it than I am!

SKIP
Well, probabilities, statistics, insanely complicated plans to prevent catastrophe... my whole life has kind of been leading up to OH WAIT!

OG
What?

SKIP
Dad... This isn’t take your child to work day twenty years late, is it?

OG
Better late than never.

SKIP
And when you introduced me to Midge, she asked if today was the day. And you said you hoped so...

OG
Skip, to quote the great American philosopher Roger Murtaugh... I’m getting to old for this. The time has come for me to pass the torch to a new ‘man behind the curtain’.

SKIP
Who, me? No! I mean, I would be great at it.

OG
You ARE great at it! You’ve been doing it, all day! With a creative flair I can’t match! It’s like you said, your whole life prepared you for this!
(a terrible pause)
What? What’s that look?

SKIP
It is like my whole life prepared me for this.

OG
I know! You’re -

SKIP
It’s as if...events have conspired throughout my life to make me into the perfect man to take this job.
(silence)
Dad?
(no response)
You were watching me all these years, right? Did you...put your thumb on the scales? Did you dial the knobs and tweak the numbers and...make me...the way I am?

OG
No. But...

SFX: ALARMS

SKIP
What’s happening?

OG
Something...unexpected. Turbulent changes sometimes happen but not on this scale. This...this is bad.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. NEW ATLANTIS - THE ADMIRAL’S CHAPEL - SIMULTANEOUS

MUSIC: BACH’S TOCCATA AND FUGUE IN D MINOR ON THE ORGAN.

ADMIRAL (SINGING)
Holidaaaays under the ocean!
Happy days are here a-gain!
Deep beneath the waves are we
Under the sea!
I love ev’ry mackerel and
octopus and cuttlefish and -

SFX: THE CHAPEL DOORS BURST OPEN

MCGRATH
Sorry to interrupt your service, Admiral!

GLORIA
But we’re here to SERVE YOU!
(to McGrath)
Did that work?

MCGRATH
Not...really.

ATHENA
Kinda sounds like you’re here to be his servant.

GLORIA
Ugh.

BOWDEN
We’ll workshop it next time.

TERRY
YOU PEOPLE ARE INFURIATING! JUST SHOOT HIM.

BOWDEN
We don’t have guns!

TERRY
YOU DON’T CARRY GUNS?!?

GLORIA
We came straight from Skip’s Christmas party! I wasn’t packing anything but eggnog.

MCGRATH
Zelda revoked my license after I tried to twirl a practice Glock on my finger.

KRISTATOS
I prefer knives. They are terrifying and also serve as kitchen utensils!

ATHENA
Okay, look, Admiral. The goon squad is here, they’ve got a warrant, and I’m a solid citizen now, so I guess you’re under arrest.

BOWDEN
We don’t have warrants either.

ATHENA
Jesus Christ.

BOWDEN
We’re an para-governmental agency - we don’t do things ON THE RECORD.

MCGRATH
Shut up! We don’t need a warrant. Fletcher, the gig’s up, man. You’re coming with us.

ADMIRAL
Well well well. I suppose you’ve caught me wet-handed...

MCGRATH
Red-handed...

ADMIRAL
I’ll need to get a pardon...from the President of the United States!

SFX: THE ADMIRAL PULLS A LEVER AND CHET IS LOWERED INTO THE ROOM ON CHAINS

CHET
Hey everyone. Nice of you to finally show up.

GLORIA
President Phillips!

MCGRATH
Chet, how did he even get you down here?

ADMIRAL
I snuck him in with the pudding shipment!

GLORIA
Athena! I thought you said you knew everything he was doing! If you knew about this kidnapping, you’re going down, too!

ATHENA (obviously feigned surprise)
Well I never! Admiral, you kidnapped the president? And then displayed the evidence in front of these government agents? Why would I have ever let something like this happen?

KRISTATOS
I guess you’re going to the firing squad, Fletcher! Alone!

CHET
Wait, was I just...set dressing for his arrest?

ATHENA
You’ve always been better seen and not heard, Chetty.

CHET
Yeah yeah, Merry Christmas. Little help?

ATHENA
I dunno. I kinda like you tied up like that.

CHET
Seems like old times.

GLORIA
Okay, enough! Admiral, you’re coming with us!

ADMIRAL
Very well, just allow me to... finish playing my masterpiece!

SFX: THE ADMIRAL PLAYS A CHORD...AND A DOME ENCASES HIM AND THE ORGAN!

BOWDEN
Whoa!

GLORIA
What is that, some sort of glass shield?

TERRY
It appears to be one of TerryCorps’ superstrong transparent aluminum alloys.

BOWDEN
Do you have anything that isn’t a Star Trek rip-off?

TERRY
I don’t know, have you, William Shatner?

BOWDEN (Shatneresqe)
Why. You. MONSTER.

KRISTATOS
Quiet, fools! He’s completely sealed himself inside!

MCGRATH
Uhhh, yeah. So...good, Admiral, you just caught...yourself?

CHET
Great, he chained himself to his own underwater city.

ATHENA
Typical. He’s gonna make us drag him out of here.

ADMIRAL
No no no, Athena, Mister President, my good Agents! I’m not going anywhere...and neither are you!

SFX: A TERRIBLE CHORD ON THE ORGAN!

ATHENA
Oh, is this the part where you think Tomas is going to attack us?

GLORIA
What?

MCGRATH
The alpaca?

ATHENA
Tomas informed me all about your plan to sway him to your side with the promise of untold riches and power over “the animals of the field.”

BOWDEN
How?

ATHENA
C’mon in, Tomas!

SFX: TOMAS HAPPILY BOUNDS IN

ATHENA
Tomas remembers who genetically engineered him to be hyperintelligent. Doesn’t he?

TOMAS
(Brays in a way that is clearly a “YES”)

KRISTATOS
He still spills the tea, though.

BOWDEN
Forget about Abbot and Costello! Tomas, can I interest you in a reboot of Mr. Ed?

ADMIRAL
You haven’t bested me, Athena. Not by a nautical mile.

ATHENA
Oh, the Finlandic pirates you made arrangements with? Cancelled. Also, I paid off Lucky Lessmacher so she’s not coming, and despite your efforts to train those whales to sing us to death, they just keep boffing each other.

MCGRATH
Just like nature intended!

ATHENA
You are NEVER GOING TO RULE THIS CITY.

SFX: THE ADMIRAL LAUGHS AND LAUGHS

ADMIRAL
I never had any intention of doing so.

SFX: PLAYS THE ORGAN AGAIN. IN THE DISTANCE, A RUMBLING

MCGRATH
What’s that noise?

TERRY
He’s got the organ hooked up to something!

ATHENA
It’s not possible, I know every circuit and pipe in this city.

ADMIRAL
What did I tell you the first time we met, Terry? Was I out to become the king of some measly underwater buildings?

TERRY
No...you said you wanted...revenge!

SFX: THE ORGAN AGAIN! LOUDER RUMBLING!

GLORIA
What’s going on?

MCGRATH
It sounds like the whole city is shaking itself apart!

ADMIRAL
Of course it is! I’ve been upgrading this organ for the last three weeks! I had no doubt you would discover my ruses, Athena - but my true intention was never to take the city. I merely wanted...you.

TERRY
Who?

ADMIRAL
ALL OF YOU. The O’Briens who betrayed me. President Phillips, who fired off that electrical device in Antarctica that sent me to an early grave -

BOWDEN
I mean, it wasn’t that early -

ADMIRAL
- and of course, the miserable insects that make up the Extraordinary Missions Force! All here - within my trap!

GLORIA
What are you going to do? You have no access to the station controls!

ADMIRAL
I have the laws of physics at my disposal, Detective Kovak! The air pressure from the organ will build and build within the station, until - POP! goes the weasel!

SFX: THE ADMIRAL PLAYS “POP GOES THE WEASEL”

GLORIA
So this was never a plan to bring an underwater city to the surface?

ADMIRAL
No. Why would you bring an underwater city to the surface?

CHET
It was just a honeypot to lure us all here and drown us!

ADMIRAL
While I stay safe and breathing within my steel bubble!

BOWDEN
You never actually cared about this underwater city!

TERRY
After all the work I put in!

MCGRATH
Athena? I don’t suppose you considered this angle when you predicted the Admiral’s plans?

ATHENA
I...did...not.

MCGRATH
Goddammit.

BOWDEN
WAIT!

SFX: BOWDEN BURSTS INTO HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

GLORIA
Bowden?

BOWDEN
Don’t you see? O.G. WAS COMPLETELY WRONG!

GLORIA
What?

BOWDEN
He couldn’t predict the future! So Abbott and Costello Vampire Hunters is safe and sound! The world will survive to see it!

ADMIRAL
Congratulations! It’s too bad you won’t!

SFX: ORGAN CHORDS AND RUMBLING

BOWDEN
Oh. Yes. That is bad.

GLORIA
I’m starting to regret having said that the air had gone out of this mission!

ADMIRAL
Kneel before me, Athena O’Brien! Writhe in the ecstasy of defeat, Chet Phillips! And forever know my revenge, Agents of the EMF, and most especially, my nemesis. BOW TO YOUR ADMIRAL, SPECIAL AGENT SKIP GRANGER!

MCGRATH
Uhh...Skip’s not here.

SFX: THE ORGAN MUSIC STOPS DEAD. THE RUMBLING CEASES.

ADMIRAL
What?

GLORIA
Skip isn’t here.

ADMIRAL
...why not?

GLORIA
Oh. He just...stayed home.

ADMIRAL
Are. You. KIDDING ME?????

MCGRATH
I mean, you did decide to do this on Christmas.

BOWDEN
Yeah, you probably should have scheduled this for after the holidays.

GLORIA
If you wanted Skip here.

ADMIRAL
Did he not know I was down here?

GLORIA
No, he did.

ADMIRAL
Threatening the safety of the planet?!?

BOWDEN
It was certainly implied.

ADMIRAL
Well, what, was he too busy? What else did he have to do?

MCGRATH
I think he decided to spend the day with his dad.

ADMIRAL
HIS DAD?!?!?

CHET
I mean, look, the guy definitely has daddy issues.

TERRY
As one of Granger’s many pseudo-father-figures I can attest to that-

ADMIRAL
WHY DON’T I GET TO BE A GRANGER FATHER FIGURE?!?

ATHENA
Sorry, just checking in here - are you not going to blow this place up, then?

KRISTATOS
Athena! Don’t remind him!

ADMIRAL
Well maybe I’ll just take cold comfort in his knowing that I murdered all of his friends!

GLORIA
Terrible plan. No one will tell him.

ADMIRAL
WHAT?

GLORIA
I mean, we’ll be disavowed so...he won’t be allowed to know what happened.

MCGRATH
I mean, he’ll probably think we all got put in witness protection.

BOWDEN
Yes! He’ll grin wistfully, thinking of us running some bakery in France...perhaps starting a community theater...watching Oscar-winning vampire movies -

ADMIRAL
ENOUGH!

SFX: HE SMASHING UP HIS ORGAN!

CHET
If he’s not blowing us up, can someone please let me out of these chains?

ADMIRAL
Who says I’m not blowing anything up?!?

SFX: THE ADMIRAL SMASHES ONE MORE TIME, AND THE ORGAN BELLOWS MAKE HORRIBLE PUMPING NOISES! THE WHOLE CITY ROCKS!

GLORIA
What is he doing??

MCGRATH
He’s forcing all of the air out of the bottom of the organ!

ADMIRAL
That’s right! All the way out through the bottom of the city! The pressure is high enough that it will overcome the depth stabilizers, and shoot us to the surface!

GLORIA
WHY?

ADMIRAL
Why? Why it was your idea, Agent Kovak! The station will shear itself apart at the surface, shattering the city and causing a global disaster! Maybe Skip Granger and his daddy will notice me then!

MCGRATH
You’ll blow us all up! You’ll blow yourself up!

ADMIRAL
The fish if I care!! I came back from the dead once, I’ll do it again!!! EARTH’S SURFACE, HERE WE COME!!!!

SFX: THE RUMBLING GROWS!

BOWDEN
SO WAIT O.G. WAS RIGHT? ABOUT EVERYTHING? EVEN ABBOTT AND COSTELLO?

TERRY
WARREN BUFFET TOLD ME THIS IS HOW IT WOULD END!!

KRISTATOS
Athena! We have to get to the escape pods!

ATHENA
We’ll never make it in time!

MCGRATH
We have to try! Bowden, grab Chet.

BOWDEN
Might as well!

MCGRATH
Athena, lead everybody to the escape pods.

GLORIA
The city is still rising! We’ve got to do something or the earth is toast!

MCGRATH
I AM DOING IT. I’m going to stay behind and try to overload the system. Blow the whole thing up before it can do any damage.

GLORIA
The hell you are. I’M the lead agent.

BOWDEN
Gloria, no! If you stay, I stay. Better yet - you go! I couldn’t live without you. And if I die down here, maybe they’ll release my movie as a tribute.

CHET
Everybody back off. This is between me and The Admiral. Besides, I’m the President of the United States. Or I was. Either way, this is my sacrifice to make.

KRISTATOS
Yes! Let Phillips die! Win win!

ATHENA
Don’t look at me. I think you’re all nuts.

SFX: EVERYONE STARTS BICKERING OVER WHO WILL STAY

MCGRATH
Skip, buddy, I could really use some strings pulled right about now.

SFX: THE RUMBLING BEOMES UNBEARABLE.

INT. OG'S OFFICE - CENTRAL HUB - SIMULTANEOUS

SFX: ALARMS STILL BLARING

SKIP
NEW ATLANTIS IS WHAT?!

OG
IT’S RISING! We have to act fast.

SKIP
Just tell me what to do.

OG
Two dials over three levers up, see it?

SKIP
Yes.

OG
Keep it steady while I adjust these sliders.

SKIP
Ah! You’re simulating a tropical depression for the NOAA weather satellites!

OG
All civilian fishing traffic should be out of the area in minutes. Now bring that lever down halfway--

SKIP
This one?

OG
NO NO NO, that would destroy the Hoover Dam--

SKIP
WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE THIS LEVER! You mean this one!

OG
Yes. Halfway--

SKIP
OK--wait--

OG
No time for waiting, Skip!

SKIP
Dad, if I’m reading this right this will authorize a nuclear sub strike on New Atlantis’s exact position!

OG
If that city breaches the surface, Skip, the tsunami it triggers will destabilize the Marianas Trench - you saw my predictions! Doomsday!

SKIP
My whole team is on New Atlantis! If I do this, everyone I love will die!

OG
Skip, if there’s on thing this job requires, it’s sacrifice!

SKIP
Sacrifices like the one you dodged when you kept me from my mission! I could have stopped this, I could have--

OG
You can stop it now, Skip, everything is in place. Push the button!

MIDGE
Mister Orville, what’s going o--

OG
Not now Midge! Skip, push the button!

SKIP
I... I...

OG
I was wrong. You’re not ready. I’ll do it my--

MIDGE
You’ll do nothing! HI-KEEBA!

SFX: MIDGE ATTACKS OG!

OG
Midge, get off me, I-- hold on, this is a Snapface! You’re not Midge--

MIDGE
Midge is tied up in a closet...

SFX: MIDGE PULLS HER MASK OFF TO REVEAL…

ZELDA
And I camme out a loooong time ago!

SKIP
Section Chief!

OG
Anders, let me go, you don’t know what you’re doing--

ZELDA
I knew you couldn’t be trusted! I’ve been following you since we left Skip’s apartment. Skip, step away from the machine. We’ll figure out another way. You and me.

OG
There is no other way! I’m keeping the world from chaos!

ZELDA
Look around you, Orville, all the world is in chaos! You’re relying on numbers and statistics to run your life but the world is more complicated than tha-

OG
SKIP, THERE’S NO TIME, YOU HAVE TO PUSH THE BUTTON!

ZELDA
SKIP DON’T PUSH THAT BUTTON!

SKIP
SHUT UP!!!

ZELDA
Skip?

OG
Son?

SKIP
Forgive me.

SFX: CLICK.

MUSIC: END CREDITS

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate Producer: Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, John Dowgin, and Paige Klaniecki. And my grandmother. And her two dogs. Directed by J. Michael DeAngelis and Pete Barry.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath and Mini McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Midge
and Bob Killion as The Admiral

Guest Starring
J. Michael DeAngelis as the NSA Advisor
Rebecca Serfass as the Secretary of the Interior
John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker
David S. Dear as Terry Millionaire
Pete Barry as Kristatos O'Brien
and special guest star Jim Iorio as O.G.

Music by Pete Barry

Sound editing and mixing by John Dowgin

Well, another season come and gone. Where does the time go? We're going to take a nice long break between seasons. We'll be back, we promise. We just need a hot minute. Until then, there are years of bonus content to sift through on our Patreon, and we promise to keep it full of surprises during the hiatus. Visit patreon.com/missionrejected to join.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2025 Extraordinary Missions Limited.  Mission Rejected will return.

INT. SKIP AND MCGRATH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

STUDEBAKER
When can I come out?

MINI-MCGRATH
When I say so, private!

STUDEBAKER
Yes ma’am.

MINI-MCGRATH
“Sir yes sir”!

STUDEBAKER
Sir yes sir!

MINI-MCGRATH
I am your god now!

STUDEBAKER
Okie dokies.

MUSIC: STINGER