Season Five, Episode Eleven: “The Living Sleighlights”
Transcript
EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN - EVENING
MUSIC: JOY TO THE WORLD (US MARINE BAND)
SFX: A crowd murmuring. The clicking of press cameras.
SECRET SERVICE GUY
Ladies and gentlemen, here to officially light the White House Christmas tree, the president of the United States...Chet Phillips.
SFX: Applause and cheers.
CHET
Thank you all, and thank you Chapel Roan for that truly unique version of The Little Drummer Boy. The TV people are going to have a field day censoring that for broadcast. Anyway, it’s my honor to light the official White House Christmas tree. To hell with separation of church and state, I guess. Okay, fellas, flip the switch.
SFX: A burst of electricity as the tree comes to light. Oohs and aaahs from the crowd.
CHET
And now, it’s my pleasure to introduce Dennis and Randy Quaid as they read us the story of Christmas. Seriously? Is this the best we could do?
SFX: Applause. Chet begins to walk away, but we hear the Quaid brothers in the background.
RANDY QUAID
And the Lord said, “I’d like to get something for you, Clark. Something REAL NICE.”
DENNIS QUAID
God damn it, Randy, you promised me no more Cousin Eddie quotes!
SFX: As the Quaids bicker, a rustle of tree and ornaments.
O.G.
Evening, Chester. You wanted to talk?
CHET
Bwhah? O.G., what are you doing in my Christmas tree?
O.G.
Come in here.
SFX: OG pulls Chet into the tree.
INT. WHITE HOUSE CHRISTMAS TREE - CONTINUOUS
SFX: Unexpectedly, there are bleeps and bloops in the tree!
CHET
What the hell? There’s a whole office in here. The White House Christmas tree is fake?
O.G.
Since the Nixon administration. Tricky Dick used to have Bob Haldeman sit in here so he could hear Henry Kissinger tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas.
CHET
Let me guess. World peace.
O.G.
No, a Hess truck.
CHET
What do you want...Orville?
O.G.
(Feigning a gasp) Oh no, you learned my first name.
CHET
I’m not so stupid after all.
O.G.
I never said you were. But it seems Midge down in the sub-basement needs some more training about secret keeping. Sorry I wasn’t there to meet you, but I was double checking some very disturbing data.
CHET
What did this data say?
O.G.
That you need to pardon Eustace Whitmire and reinstate him as Secretary of Defense.
CHET
What? No! I’ve already picked a new Secretary of Defense. I want Zelda Anders.
O.G.
Zelda Anders would be an amazing Secretary of Defense.
CHET
Thank you. See, I can run my own government.
O.G.
Oh no, you can’t hire her. It has to be Whitmire.
CHET
BUT WHY?
O.G.
Things are like a house of cards right now. You put the wrong card in the wrong spot and the whole thing just collapses. I’m tracking something big, Mr. President. Bigger than I’ve seen in a long time. If these patterns hold, then Eustace Whitmire HAS to be the Secretary of Defense.
CHET
You have to give me more than that.
O.G.
I can’t yet. Look, if I’m wrong about what I’m seeing, no one in the world will be happier than me. And the worst you’ll have done is put Whitmire back in his old job. But if I’m right, and you ignore me... boom.
CHET
Zelda’s confirmation hearing is supposed to be first thing after the holiday break! I know her. If she’s passed over now, she’ll resign!
O.G.
We can’t have that either. Luckily, I’ve planned for this contingency as well.
SFX: OG hands a thick file folder to Chet.
O.G.
Give this file to Skip Granger. Tell him it’s his next mission.
CHET
This is Zelda’s personnel file. How is this a mission?
O.G.
Skip will understand what to do with it. Merry Christmas, Mr. President.
CHET
So, are you just going to spend the holidays in this Christmas tree bunker or what?
O.G.
I’ll be where I’m needed. It won’t be my first Christmas alone.
SFX: The sounds of an argument getting louder.
DENNIS QUAID (In the distance)
YOU TAKE THAT BACK! I WAS IN JAWS 3!
RANDY QUAID (In the distance)
OH YEAH, WELL I WAS ROOTING FOR THE SHARK! AND SO WAS MEG!
O.G.
Sounds like the Quaid Family Christmas needs you, Mr. President.
CHET
Ugh. Rejected.
MUSIC: CHRISTMAS THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: The Living Sleighlights.
INT. SKIP AND MCGRATH’S APARTMENT
MUSIC: 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (BOWDEN AT PIANO)
BOWDEN
Come on, everyone, only two more days to go!
MCGRATH
Oh no.
BOWDEN & GLORIA (Sing)
ON THE TENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME
TEN LORDS-A-LEAPING
NINE LADIES DANCING
EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING
SEVEN SWANS-A-SWIMMING
SIX GEESE-A-LAYING
SKIP (Sings)
FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!
MCGRATH
See, that’s a gift I can get behind. One gold ring - kind of presumptuous - but FIVE? That’s just good investing.
GLORIA
Actually, they’re birds.
MCGRATH
Pardon?
GLORIA
The five golden rings. They’re birds. Ring necked pheasants.
MCGRATH
Get out.
SKIP
She’s right, McGrath. In fact, there’s a popular interpretation of the song suggesting all twelve gifts are birds.
MCGRATH
Even the maids-a-milking?
BOWDEN
Especially the maids-a-milking.
MCGRATH
That’s seventy-eight birds!! AT MINIMUM!
BOWDEN
Say, Skip, I don’t want to cut the merriment short, but, uh, Gloria and I are a little eager to spend our first Christmas together as husband and wife.
GLORIA
I got us matching Christmas pajamas!
MCGRATH
Not that I want you to go, but it does mean more playtime with my Christmas present to myself - Mini McGrath!
SFX: MINI MCGRATH, a robot, whirs up to life.
MCGRATH
I built her myself.
MINI MCGRATH
Season’s Greetings, losers!
MCGRATH
I love her.
SKIP
Well, it is getting late. I was just hoping Section Chief Anders would drop by.
BOWDEN
Maybe she got stuck at the Scientific Services Christmas party.
GLORIA
I don’t think so. When I saw DR. STUDEBAKER this morning, he wished me a happy Arbor Day.
MCGRATH
Face it, she’s not coming. Zelda’s been Grinchier than Grinch the last few days.
MINI MCGRATH
Sick burn.
SFX: Robot high five.
SKIP (Sighs sadly)
Maybe you’re right. Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. See you in the new year.
GLORIA
Unless a mission comes up, of course.
BOWDEN
Gloria, please don’t even joke. We’ve got approximately sixty-seven viewings of A Christmas Story to watch.
SFX: Knock at the door
MCGRATH
Come in, it’s open!
SFX: The door opens and ZELDA enters.
ZELDA
Good. You’re all still here.
SKIP
Section Chief! You’re just in time! We were just saying our goodbyes, but we could always have one more round of eggnog! McGrath, if you’ll bartend...
MCGRATH
You said the magic words, bud.
MINI MCGRATH
Make it a double, every one!
ZELDA
Actually, if you could all have a seat. I have an announcement.
MCGRATH
Let me guess. Christmas is canceled.
BOWDEN
What’s the mission, Zel? Thwarting a team of rogue mall Santas?
GLORIA
Taking down a manufacture of extra flammable tinsel?
SKIP
Bringing good will to men by bringing presents and Christmas hams to families who can’t afford their own?
ZELDA
Today was my last day at the EMF. I I have been passed over for Secretary of Defense, and so I’ve resigned. Effective immediately.
ALL
WHAT? (etc)
ZELDA
I can’t say for certain what will happen. Any decision about my replacement or the future of the EMF will be up to the newly reinstated Secretary Whitmire.
SKIP
One: Whitmire? I thought he was in jail. Two: NO!! To everything! Send it back to the kitchen.
ZELDA
I appreciate the sentiment, but I’ve just been informed by President Phillips that Secretary Whitmire has been pardoned. I told him my resignation would be on his desk by morning.
MCGRATH
Zelda, this is insane. Get me in a room with Phillips and I will make him put Whitmire back in jail.
ZELDA
And how are you going to do that?
MCGRATH
You think I don’t have access to Chet’s browsing history?
ZELDA
You think that’s going to make ANY difference in 2024?
SKIP
McGrath’s right, Section Chief, we can fight this! We need you!
ZELDA
No you don’t. Furthermore, I no longer wish to be at the EMF. I’m sorry I ruined your festivities.
SKIP
Can I at least ask you to use the holiday break to think this over? Maybe while you and Pat are celebrating Christmas...
ZELDA
Pat has gone home to her father for the holiday. I don’t think I’m in the mood to join them. I’m already feeling bad and her father and I...
GLORIA
Can he not accept that you and Pat are gay?
ZELDA
No, he can’t accept that I can kick his ass at Risk, Monopoly, and Clue.
BOWDEN
Ooof. All the dad games.
ZELDA
Pat’s family is CLOYINGLY happy. As an agnostic who was raised Jewish, I don’t really care one way or the other about Christmas, but all their holiday cheer will probably drive me into a murderous rage.
SKIP
Have you told Pat? Maybe I should call her.
ZELDA
Leave it, Skip. And don’t try to contact me until after New Year’s. I need time to myself. Goodbye, everyone. It was my honor to supervise you. Merry Christmas.
SFX: Zelda lets herself out.
MINI MCGRATH
Bummer.
SKIP
I don’t believe it.
BOWDEN
I don’t even want to watch Christmas Story once.
SFX: Knocking at the door
SKIP
Oh thank God, she’s already changed her mind!
SFX: Skip runs to the door and answers it.
SKIP
Section Chief, I knew -
WESTERN UNION WOMAN
Skip Granger?
SKIP
Oh.
WESTERN UNION WOMAN
Are you Skip Granger?
SKIP
Yes.
WESTERN UNION WOMAN
I’ve got something for you.
SFX: She hands him a file folder.
SKIP
Oh. Thank you.
WESTERN UNION WOMAN
Feel free to tip extra. Seeing as it’s CHRISTMAS EVE.
MINI MCGRATH
Here’s a tip. Get a better job.
MCGRATH
Sorry about her. Here you go. Have a Merry Christmas.
SFX: She gives the woman a tip and shuts the door.
GLORIA
What’s in the file, Skip?
BOWDEN
And who sent it?
SFX: Skip is flipping through the pages. His excitement, and pace, grows as he does.
SKIP
Hmm. Huh. Oh. OH. OH MY!
MCGRATH
Skip, what is it?
SKIP
It’s a Christmas miracle! I know how to save the Section Chief!
BOWDEN
What do we have to do?
SKIP
We have to drug her and get her to Delaware!
BOWDEN AND GLORIA
WHAT?
MCGRATH
I don’t know what’s happening, but it IS a Christmas miracle.
MINI MCGRATH
FIVE GOLD RINGS!
MUSIC: CAROL OF THE BELLS (MUSIC BOX)
INT. ZELDA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
SFX: A clock chimes. Zelda stirs from her slumber.
ZELDA (Waking from a nightmare)
Get your hands off me, Tom Cruise! What? Oh. God, another nightmare. What time is it?
SFX: She turns on her phone.
ZELDA
Only midnight? God, I haven’t even been asleep two hours.
PRESCOTT (An eerie, distant whisper)
Zelda...
ZELDA
Who’s there?
PRESCOTT (Same)
Zelllldaaa...
ZELDA
Oooookay. What the HELL is going on? Skip, is this you? Because I will stuff you so full of figgy pudding it comes out your -
SFX: A gust of wind so strong it blows open the shutters, startling Zelda. Then, the sounds of chains being dragged across the floor. Every line of Prescott’s is punctuated by the clanking of his chains.
PRESCOTT
Zelda Anderrrrrrrsssss....
ZELDA
J.J. Prescott? But you’re...dead.
PRESCOTT
Hooo boy am I. Let me tell you, being thrown into an active volcano is NOT something I recommend. Really terrible for the skin.
ZELDA
This is ridiculous. I’m still dreaming. You’re just a bit of undigested cheese...or whatever McGrath put in that eggnog.
PRESCOTT
Sorry, Zel. It’s me. In the flesh. Well, in the ectoplasm, anyway.
ZELDA
You didn’t bring Fitz with you, did you?
PRESCOTT
Eww. No.
ZELDA
Alright, well, what do you want? Talk quickly so I can get back to sleep.
PRESCOTT
I have come with a warning! Do not take the path I chose.
ZELDA
Not a problem. Good night.
PRESCOTT
ZELDA ANDERS DO NOT IGNORE ME! We may have walked different paths in life, but you are about to follow me into...damnation. For like me, you are taking the EMF for granted.
ZELDA
You’ve got your wires crossed, J.J. The EMF is taking ME for granted.
PRESCOTT
I thought the EMF was just a rinky dink operation. A stepping stone on my way to the top that I could chew up then toss away. But I was wrong. Dead wrong.
ZELDA
And you’re forced to carry these heavy chains through eternity as punishment?
PRESCOTT
What? Oh no. These babies are to keep me in shape.
SFX: He pumps iron with the chains.
PRESCOTT
Oh yeah. Feel the burn. ABP, Zelda. Always be pumping. Even in death.
ZELDA
Well. Thanks for dropping by, J.J. Now, if you’ll go back to whichever level of Hell you came from, I’m going back to bed.
PRESCOTT
Listen up, Z-dog. Tonight you will be visited by three spirits. Listen to them. Heed what they say or your chains will be heavier than mine. And Zelda, you just don’t have the muscle tone for it.
ZELDA
GET OUT.
PRESCOTT (Fading away)
Expect the first ghost tonight when the bell tolls one!
SFX: Wind and chains as Prescott dissolves into the ether.
ZELDA
Humbug. (Beat) Better take an Ambien to be safe.
MUSIC: TIME PASSING
INT. ZELDA'S BEDROOM - LATER
SFX: Zelda snores.
ZELDA (Talking in her sleep)
No, not Cocktail! Not again...
LEX (Otherworldly)
Zelda...
ZELDA (Still sleeping a troubled sleep)
Aruba. Jamaica. Bermuda. Bahama.
LEX
Zellllldaaaaaa
ZELDA (Waking with start)
KOKOMO!
LEX
Boo.
ZELDA
Ahhh!!! Lex Hammond?
LEX
That’s my name, don’t wear it out.
ZELDA
What are you doing in my bedroom?
LEX
Um. It’s 1 AM. Ghost of Christmas Past. Haunting. Did you, like, not get the memo?
ZELDA
But you’re not dead. To my knowledge.
LEX
Like, it’s the holidays. Even I need a side hustle.
ZELDA
Fair.
LEX
Come on. Like, it’s time to go.
SFX: Lex opens the window.
ZELDA
Go? Outside? It’s...mildly chilly out.
LEX
We’re like going to visit your past, mother. Hang on my fanny pack.
SFX: Zelda grabs on.
LEX
Ow! Night so tight. Okay, out the window we go.
ZELDA
And this why I shouldn’t mix Ambien with
SFX: Lex pulls them out the window
ZELDA
…wiiiiiiiiiiine!
SFX: A gust of wind and suddenly we’re airborne.
EXT. ABOVE THE CITY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
ZELDA
Oh my God. We’re flying.
LEX
Like...duh.
ZELDA
But how?
LEX
I mean, I am a tech genius. But let’s go with Christmas magic.
ZELDA
The city looks so small. And peaceful.
LEX
That’s just the smog. Hang on, we’re coming in for a landing.
ZELDA
I recognize this neighborhood. This is where I grew up! My childhood home!
LEX
Yeah. Ghost of Christmas Past, remember? I’m sort of in charge of this little tour. Come on, let’s go inside. Don’t worry, they won’t be able to see or hear us.
SFX: Ghostly stuff as they pass through into the house.
INT. ZELDA’S CHILDHOOD HOME - CONTINUOUS
SFX: A fireplace crackles. Christmas music comes in over the television.
YOUNG ZELDA (Calling upstairs)
Dad, come on, it’s about to start!
ZELDA
Holy crap, it’s me. I’m so little.
TV ANNOUNCER
Coming up next on HBO, a new Christmas classic, “Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas.”
LEX
Wait. Aren’t you, like, Jewish?
ZELDA
Everybody loves Muppets. Besides, we live on a military base, and my father, Sgt. Major Thrash Anders, was huge on “fitting in.”
THRASH (From upstairs)
Zeldaaaaaa!
YOUNG ZELDA
Dad?
SFX: Zelda’s dad, Sgt. Major Thrash Anders, comes bounding down the stairs.
THRASH
At attention, soldier!
YOUNG ZELDA
Sir, yes, sir.
THRASH
Turn off the Home Box Office.
YOUNG ZELDA
Sir, yes, sir.
SFX: Zelda turns off the tv.
THRASH
I was just doing routine surprise inspection of your sleeping quarters, missy. Can you explain to me what my officer’s training manual was doing under your pillow?
YOUNG ZELDA
I’m studying it! I’m going to be a Sgt. Major just like you! Then Secretary of Defense! Then...PRESIDENT!
THRASH
How many times do I have to tell you? The army is no place for a girl. Not outside the secretary pool anyway. Stop filling your head with this nonsense.
YOUNG ZELDA
No! I bet I know that handbook even better than you! I’ll be the youngest Sgt. Major ever. Then I’ll be General...and then I’ll have your court marshaled for being a bonehead!
A tense beat. Then they burst out into laughter.
THRASH
That’s my little soldier!
YOUNG ZELDA
Sir, yes, sir!
THRASH
You don’t take that trash from anybody, you understand? And you don’t take anything lying down.
YOUNG ZELDA
Yes, sir.
THRASH
I love you, solider. Come on, are those singing rats on yet?
YOUNG ZELDA
They’re otters.
LEX
Your father had some great life lessons.
ZELDA
His tune changed later on.
LEX
But yours didn’t it.
SFX: A gust of wind as we move through time and space.
ZELDA
What’s going on? Where are we going? Daddy...
SFX: The wind dies down and suddenly, we’re in
INT. CAFE EDISON - NIGHT
MUSIC: WE THREE KINGS (GRUNGE COVER)
SFX: A rocking Christmas party at the cafe.
LEX
Coool. Now this is more like it.
ZELDA
Oh my God, Cafe Edison. It’s where Pat and I first got together.
BUD
Coming through, make way. Hey, Armando, quick hogging the mistletoe. Save some for me and Ken!
LEX
Who is that adorable old gay man?
ZELDA
It’s old Buddy Wig! Bud was the kindest, wisest boss I ever had. This must be his annual Christmas party...which would mean...oh no, you didn’t.
LEX
Wouldn’t be much of a ghost if I showed pleasant memories...
SFX: The door opens and in comes PAST ZELDA and PAT.
PAST ZELDA
Hi, Bud!
PAT
Merry Christmas!
LEX
Wow, look how cute you were.
BUD
Pat! Zelda! My two favorite girls! Merry Christmas!
PAST ZELDA
Bud, this place is jumping! Why don’t I go put on my apron and give you hand behind the bar?
BUD
Zelda, don’t even think about it. This is a party for the staff and friends. You don’t have to work. It’s my gift to all of you. Besides, I hear it’s a big night...
PAST ZELDA
Pat, you didn’t.
PAT
Sorry, hun. I came in for a coffee the other day and I just couldn’t help but tell Bud our plan to come out to our parents. I mean, Bud’s like family.
BUD
You’re the sweetest. I feel the same way. How did it go with your parents, Pat?
PAT
I mean, pretty great. They really liked Zelda and everything went pretty smooth. Mostly.
BUD
Zelda?
ZELDA
If her old man is foolish enough to start with Australia in a game of RISK, he deserves what he gets.
PAT
I just hope things go as well when we tell Sgt. Major Anders tonight.
PAST ZELDA
My dad’s old fashioned, but he’s always taught me to be myself.
BUD
And what a job he did. Oh, damn it, would you excuse me a second? Armando! Just because you’re under the mistletoe doesn’t mean your pants come off!
SFX: The door opens and in comes Thrash.
THRASH
Soldier girl!
PAST ZELDA
Daddy!
SFX: They hug.
THRASH
You look great, soldier. The purple hair isn’t exactly army standard, but you wear it well.
PAST ZELDA
Daddy, there’s someone I’d like you to meet. This is Pat Rose.
THRASH
Ah, yes, the roommate. Good to meet you, Pat.
PAT
Sgt. Major Anders. A pleasure.
PAST ZELDA
Dad, Pat’s over at the CIA. She’s on the fast track to be one of the youngest directors ever.
THRASH
Impressive.
ZELDA
Ok, we should go now.
LEX
What? Why? I want to see if Bud gets Armando’s pants back on.
ZELDA
Well, I don’t need to see what happens next.
PAST ZELDA
Dad, there’s something else I need to tell you. I wanted you to meet Pat because...well...she’s not just my roommate. She’s my girlfriend. I’m in love with her.
THRASH
Whoa. Soldier. Uh. You’re pulling your old man’s leg, right?
PAST ZELDA
No, dad. I love her.
PAT
Sgt. Major Anders, I know this is a bit of a surprise, but I promise you, I’m just crazy about your daughter.
THRASH
Please keep your voice down.
PAT
Um, we know almost everyone here and they know all about us. Not that we were avoiding telling you -
THRASH
Please stay out of this.
PAST ZELDA
She is very much a part of this, sir.
THRASH
Soldier, I am your father. I am not surprised by this. You think I didn’t notice that you stole your brother’s Farrah Fawcett poster? But I was happy NOT TALKING ABOUT IT. But this - out in the open - with a CIA agent? My God, kiddo, you can forget the military. And Secretary of Defense? Unlikely.
PAST ZELDA
First of all, sir, I haven’t wanted to be in the army since I was ten. Second, I can’t believe you! You were the one who taught me to be myself and not take crap from men.
THRASH
Maybe I pushed that angle a little too hard.
PAST ZELDA
This is SO like you. All supportive in private, but in public...nothing that would be even SLIGHTLY out of line. Making mom put up a Christmas tree just so the neighbors wouldn’t talk.
THRASH
Look, do what you want in private, but I’m begging you, for your own good - keep it private.
PAST ZELDA
So if I wanted to bring Pat to Christmas dinner at the base -
THRASH
Not a good idea. General McCaddy is coming and you know he’s in charge of my promotion.
PAST ZELDA
That’s all I needed to hear. Pat won’t be there.
THRASH
Thank you, soldier.
PAST ZELDA
And neither will I. In fact, until you can accept me...all of me...you can shove off.
THRASH
Soldier -
PAST ZELDA
I said SHOVE OFF.
SFX: Thrash huffs and exits.
LEX
Wow, Section Chief, you used to be quite the bad ass. Telling off your own father.
ZELDA
It cost me a lot. Maybe too much. I never spoke with him again. For what? My pride? I don’t want to see this anymore. Whatever this is, make it stop.
LEX
Okay, but like, you fashioned these memories yourself.
SFX: Lex’s “yourself” echos dramatically. A gust of wind and we travel again. The clock strikes two as we return to
INT. ZELDA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
ZELDA (Startled)
YOU KILLED GOOSE! Wha? Oh. I’m back in bed. It was just a dream.
LARRY
Hiiii....Larry Hastings, Ghost of Christmas Present.
ZELDA
Larry! Get out of my bed!
LARRY
Bwwwaahh, come in and know me better, man!
ZELDA
Get out or I’ll murder you.
LARRY
Well, it’s sort of hard to move with all this food on the floor.
ZELDA
What the hell? Where did all this food come from? What is this?
LARRY
This is the food of generosity, which you have so denied your fellow humans.
ZELDA
I have been plenty generous.
LARRY
Would pass me that suckling pig?
ZELDA
You are not eating in my bed!
LARRY
Well, point proven. Come on then, time for a scene change.
SFX: Larry lurches out of bed, knocking over plates of roast goose and suckling pig.
LARRY
Oh. Well. That won’t stain. I think. Shall we?
ZELDA
I am not flying again.
LARRY
Oh no worries about that. Anything higher than 100 feet and it’s vomit town for me. No, we simply exit, stage left.
SFX: Larry opens a door into...
INT. NEW ATLANTIS - LATE NIGHT
MUSIC: HARK THE HERALD ANGEL SING (ON THE SUBMARINE ORGAN)
LARRY
Behold Christmas...under the sea!
ZELDA
What the ever living hell? Where are we?
ATHENA
Come on, dad, it’s time for dinner. You too, Tomas.
SFX: Tomas brays.
KRISTATOS
I wish he would lay off that god awful organ.
ATHENA
Would you rather he be in here talking to you?
KRISTATOS
Fair enough. I have to say, sweetheart, I don’t love this new arrangement.
ATHENA
It’s good business for us dad. When this place is finally finished, it’s going to be the most spectacular new real estate on the globe. An entirely new continent for us to develop with AthenaCorps technology, in AthenaCorps premium housing.
KRISTATOS
Yes, but partnering with...him.
ATHENA
Oh, Dad. You didn’t really think I don’t have a plan? You taught me better. We need The Admiral alive long enough to get this place surfaced - and then....we don’t need him at all.
KRISTATOS
Oh, Athena! You make this old man so happy. This is the best Christmas present ever!
ZELDA
The Admiral is alive!? And Athena is working with him on...what? What is that place?
LARRY
Sorry, I don’t have those scenes in my script. They only gave me my sides.
SFX: The organ stops and footsteps approach the table.
ADMIRAL
Ah, nothing quite says Christmas like a few hours of corals on the old pipe organ.
ATHENA
Do you mean carols?
KRISTATOS
Do you mean chorales?
ADMIRAL
Absolutely I do not and I forbid you for ever suggesting that again.
ATHENA
So, Admiral, my father and I were just discussing how excited we are about the prospects of New Atlantis. How’s our time table looking?
ADMIRAL
I’m glad you asked, Athena. Terry’s nanobots are working exactly as planned, forming the sea floor below this base into a glorious new landmass. In one month, it will achieve critical mass and rise like like a breaching whale.
KRISTATOS
And the real estate rights will all be Athena’s?
ADMIRAL
Completely! Affordable, luxury housing in new, green neighborhoods all for sale or rent by our dear Athena. Aside from my castle, of course.
KRISTATOS
Of course.
ATHENA
And all the internet, cellular, television and technology services will be provided by AthenaCorps. A new era of equality.
ADMIRAL
And every one of those devices broadcasting the good word of Oceanology!
ATHENA
Right.
ADMIRAL
And the best part is, there isn’t a thing the EMF can do about it!
SFX: A door opens and CATERER S. DEAR enters pushing his catering cart.
CATERER S. DEAR
Good evening and Merry Christmas. Tonight, I’ve been asked to prepare a variation on the traditional Feast of the Seven Fishes.
ADMIRAL
That’s correct! I have spared no expense to septuple this seasonal seafood smorgasbord! Seven seven fold is forty-nine!
ATHENA
Ugh, fish. I should have known. Whatever, let’s just get started.
CATERER S. DEAR
Very good. We’ll begin with the fried sampler of calamari, shrimp and clam strips, followed by a selection of smelts en croute. I would say pace yourself...but it’s going to be a very long night.
KRISTATOS
I just want the cottage potatoes.
ZELDA
I don’t care about the dinner menu! Larry, I need to get back. I have to alert Skip and the EMF!
LARRY
Well, better follow me. The next scene is real juicy. Through this door, if you please.
SFX: Larry opens a door and various items spill out.
LARRY
Ah. Broom closet. Uhhh...maybe this one.
SFX: Another door opens.
LARRY
Yes this is the one. Come along.
SFX: They step through and we’re in...
INT. SKIP AND MCGRATH’S APARTMENT - DAY
MUSIC: GOOD KING WENCESLAS (BOWDEN, SADLY ON THE PIANO)
ZELDA
I know this place. It’s Skip and McGrath’s apartment.
BOWDEN
How much longer until dinner? I’m running out of Christmas Carols. Ones in the public domain anyway.
GLORIA
We told Skip we’d wait. He’s been on the phone for hours.
MCGRATH
Now look, Mini-McGrath, this is called an ISP masker. It’s how we hide what we do from the cable company. And Skip.
MINI MCGRATH
Cool beans. **cough cough**
GLORIA
That didn’t sound great.
MCGRATH
There’s something with her battery. It’s not keeping a charge.
SFX: A flush of the toilet off screen and a door opening.
TOILET
Thank you for flushing. Merry Christmas, Skip.
SKIP
Sorry to keep everyone waiting. I have been on the phone with everyone and anyone I could get some answers from.
MCGRATH
President Phillips?
SKIP
Not taking calls over the holidays. But I think I was persistent enough to get -
SFX: Knock at the door.
SKIP
An audience with the devil.
SFX: Skip opens the door.
WHITMIRE
This better be good.
SKIP
Secretary Whitmire, Merry Christmas.
WHITMIRE
Yeah yeah good will towards men blah blah blah - are you going to ask me in or what?
SKIP
Please come in.
SFX: Door shuts behind Whitmire.
WHITMIRE
Oh look, the gang’s all here. (to Skip) Dasher, (to Bowden) Dancer, (to Gloria) Prancer...(to McGrath) Vixen. Won’t YOU pull my sleigh tonight?
MCGRATH
Gag me.
MINI MCGRATH
Totes gross.
WHITMIRE
Hello, uh, little robot.
MINI MCGRATH
**cough cough**
SKIP
Secretary Whitmire, I am here to plead with you to reinstate Section Chief Zelda Anders.
WHITMIRE
Well, I’ve got a resignation letter that suggests she’d rather, and I quote, shoot her eye out with a Red Rider b.b. gun than ever report to me again.
LARRY
Ah. “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Classic.
ZELDA
Idiot.
SKIP
If it helps convince her, tell her I’ve declined the promotion.
WHITMIRE
YOU? Who says I’d make you Section Chief? Don’t make me laugh. I’d make the robot Section Chief before you.
MINI MCGRATH
Here’s what I learned about B2B sales from trying to get a selfie with Seth Rogan!
WHITMIRE
You’re hired.
BOWDEN
Now see here! There isn’t a single person more qualified for the job than Skip!
WHITMIRE
Since when did that matter? I’ve got a hot little number on Ways and Means who’ll owe me biggly if I give her toehead brother the gig. And believe me, she has plenty of both.
MCGRATH
Where’s there’s a will, there’s a ways and means.
WHITMIRE
Look, you’re a good guy, Kip.
SKIP
Skip.
WHITMIRE
Whatever. Tomato, tostado. But you’re a real pain in my ass. Just like your old man.
SKIP
You knew my father?
WHITMIRE
Sure. We were at the State Department together. Never met a bigger numbers nerd in my life. Till I met you. So, out of a sense of nostalgia, and in order to get back to the Whitmire Family Christmas booze-a-thon, you can keep you current job. Ho ho ho happy whatever.
SKIP
Then I resign.
GLORIA
Me too.
BOWDEN
Tear up my contract.
MCGRATH
Suck it.
MINI MCGRATH
Go blow me. Every one. **cough cough**
WHITMIRE
Whatever. Weirdos.
SFX: Whitmire sees himself out.
ZELDA
No! No! They don’t know about the danger ahead. They’ve got to stop The Admiral and try and talk some sense into Athena! What have they done?
LARRY
Uhhh...same thing you did.
ZELDA
This isn’t what I wanted to happen.
LARRY
I’m afraid your resignation has set in motion a series of tragedies on par with the notices I got as Grizabella the Glamor Cat.
MCGRATH
Come on, Mini McGrath, let’s finish making Christmas dinner. Try and salvage what’s left of this holiday.
MINI MCGRATH
Okay doakies. *cough cough*
ZELDA
What is with that robot?
LARRY
If these shadows remain unchanged, I see an empty chair where Mini McGrath once sat.
ZELDA
Larry...your beard...it’s turned totally white.
LARRY
My time upon this globe is brief. And now I must leave you with the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.
ZELDA
Must you?
LARRY
Go forth and know them better. Exit Larry.
SFX: A cold gust of wind and Larry vanishes.
MUSIC: DARK GOTHIC BELLS
ZELDA
Larry? Larry? Where did you go? Isn’t this the part where I end up back in my bedroom?
SFX: A strange buzzing. A drone approaching.
ZELDA
Who’s there? I can’t see your face. Are you the spirit of Christmas Yet to Come?
SFX: A tape clicks on.
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Good evening, Former Section Chief.
ZELDA
YOU’RE the Ghost of Christmas Future?
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
I contain multitudes.
ZELDA
Look, I get that you’re all trying to scare me - but there’s no way my resignation could be as disastrous as Larry implied. Show me some hope. Show me some happiness.
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
As you wish.
SFX: A gust of wind and we’re in
INT. SCIENTIFIC SERVICES
MUSIC: ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HIGH (PHISH-ESQE)
SFX: A party in full swing!
DR. STUDEBAKER
Happy Arbor Day, everyone!
DR. WILES
No, Biff, Christmas! How many times do I have to tell you?
DR. STUDEBAKER
Sorry, lady, I just love trees.
DR. WILES
You can call it whatever you want, we’ve got more to celebrate than just Christmas. Ding dong the witch is dead, am I right?
DR. STUDEBAKER
Margaret Hamilton is DEAD? SINCE WHEN?
DR. WILES
No, silly, our evil overlord. Though Margaret Hamilton is definitely dead. Unless she’s frozen next to Walt Disney. Oh what I wouldn’t give to get my hands on his popsicle noggin! Here, read the newspaper. Again.
SFX: Biff riffles through the paper.
DR. STUDEBAKER
OH HER! The great oppressor. Yeah, nobody’s gonna be said about her kicking it.
DR. WILES
Do you know I never saw her smile? Like not even once? And I used literal smiling gas on her.
ZELDA
They’re talking about Athena, right?
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
My queen with the thousand watt smile?
ZELDA
What is with my agents falling in love with our literal nemesis?
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
The heart wants what the heart wants. If it makes you feel any better, I’d also ship myself and Dr. Wiles.
SFX: The door opens and in tumbles DR. PICKLE
DR. PICKLE
Ooops! Who put that door there? Very distressing.
DR. LEGRANGE
Hey, map lady! You want some of Karol’s special punch?
DR. PICKLE
Uh, no thank you. Are you all ready to go?
DR. STUDEBAKER
Absolutely. (Beat) Go where?
DR. PICKLE
The funeral?
DR. WILES
Oh that. (Hysterical snorting laughter.) Sorry, we’re not going to that.
DR. PICKLE
Oh thank goodness. I was only going out of my British accent’s sense of duty. Dreadful woman. Not every day you can lay all the troubles of the world on one person. Karol, pour me some of that punch!
ZELDA
Ok, I may not like Christmas stories, but I get where this is going.
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Do you? Oh good, we can fast forward to the end.
SFX: Wind and we’re suddenly...
EXT. SNOW COVERED GRAVEYARD - DUSK
SFX: Funeral bells toll.
ZELDA
Where are we now? Wait. These headstones! This is Congressional Cemetery! But it’s all twisted and cracked - there were never hills here before?
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
The rising of New Atlantis literally changed the face of the Earth. Tectonic plates shifted, creating the distressing landscape you see now. They say the worst is yet to come.
ZELDA
Someone’s coming!
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Well, good thing we’re invisible.
SFX: Two sets of footsteps.
CHET
Thanks for coming. Nobody else did.
ATHENA
It’s weird. I never liked her. I maybe even hated her. But even I know when to be contrite.
CHET
A humble Athena? I never thought I’d live to see the day. You know I should have you arrested.
ATHENA
Under what authority? Unless you rejoined the Ocean Bureau, you’re among the living dead like the rest of us, Mr. Ex-President.
SFX: Footsteps on the snow
CHET
Someone’s coming. It could be the Prawn Patrol. Hide!
ATHENA
Relax, it’s just Skip and McGrath.
SKIP (So so sad)
Chet. Athena. Merry Christmas.
MCGRATH (So so SO sad)
Whatever.
CHET
I didn’t think you were going to come.
MCGRATH
Come to what? We’re here to...to... (she can’t hold back tears)
SKIP
It’s okay, McGrath, you don’t have to say. We had to bury Mini-McGrath today.
ZELDA
The robot DIED?
CHET
That robot was the best Section Chief the EMF ever had.
SKIP
I picked a spot on the hill where Mini-McGrath can see the ducks on the river. Which is strange, because until recently, there was neither a hill nor a river here.
MCGRATH
Mini-McGrath loved watching the ducks on the river.
ATHENA
Oh my God, I’m sorry, okay? How was I supposed to guess that Tomas would betray me and spoil my plot to overthrow The Admiral before I could act.
MCGRATH
Well MAYBE you should have never teamed up with The Admiral to begin with!
ATHENA
No shit, Sherlock. Live and learn.
CHET
Ladies, please, it’s Christmas and we’re at a funeral.
MCGRATH
You know what?
SFX: McGrath spits on the grave.
MCGRATH
Merry Christmas. Let’s go, Skip.
SFX: She storms off.
SKIP
Merry Christmas, everyone. For what it’s worth.
SFX: Skip goes too. As he does, a tremendous tremor shakes the Earth.
ATHENA
That’s not good.
CHET
Second one since I got here. We better get out of here. I still have access to a couple secret bunkers if you wanna come.
ATHENA
I’m good. Dad’s still got the family bunker. See ya round, Chet.
CHET
Hell of a funeral.
SFX: They go.
ZELDA
Spirit, tell me...who’s lonely grave is this?
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Why it’s yours, Zelda. The stubbornest woman in the cemetery!!
ZELDA
No. NOOOO!
SFX: Another tremor. This one growing and growing.
ZELDA
This can’t be because of me! Spirit, you have shown me that I can’t just take defeat lying down. That I have to stand up and fight no matter how weary I am...
SFX: BIG tremor.
ZELDA
What’s happening?
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
This is the big one. New Atlantis has destabilized the Marianas Trench. End game. All because you quit.
ZELDA
I’ll change! Take me back, spirit! I’ll change!
SFX: HUGE tremor. The Earth beneath Zelda splits open and she screams.
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Oops. Gotta skeedattle. Best of luck.
SFX: Mission Voice’s drone flies away.
ZELDA
Spirit! Spirit! Come back! I promise I wont change!! I don’t resign!
SFX: The rumbling is overwhelming. Fissures bursting open. The flames of hell reaching out for Zelda.
ZELDA
Take me back! I’ll fight! I’ll fight! I’ll fight!
SFX: The rumbling grows as Zelda repeats her plea. Then suddenly, we’re back in -
INT. ZELDA'S BEDROOM - MORNING
ZELDA (Still in a panic)
I’ll even admit I like Days of Thunder!!
SFX: Zelda’s alarm clock goes off. It’s 6am Christmas morning.
ZELDA
What? I’m back home. What day is it?
SFX: Siri beep.
SIRI
Today is Wednesday.
ZELDA
Useless.
SFX: She opens her window and calls out to a boy on the street.
ZELDA
You there, boy!
TIMMY “TWO BIT” THOMPSON
What, me, ma’m?
ZELDA
What day is it?
TIMMY “TWO BIT” THOMPSON
Why it’s Christmas Day!
ZELDA
I haven’t missed it! The spirits did it all in one night!
TIMMY “TWO BIT” THOMPSON
Uh. Sure.
ZELDA
Do you know the butcher shop on the next street?
TIMMY “TWO BIT” THOMPSON
The one with the prize turkey in the window twice as big a me? It’s still there!
ZELDA
Great. Go to that shop, but don’t buy the giant turkey. Get something more sensible. Only needs to serve four-to-five. Spend like forty bucks max. I’ll Venmo you.
TIMMY “TWO BIT” THOMPSON
Yes, m’am!
SFX: Zelda shuts her window.
ZELDA
Fist things first. One letter of resignation.
SFX: She tears it up.
ZELDA
Second. I’ve got to get to Skip and McGrath’s and find out what the hell this New Atlantis thing is. Wait, I’m in my pajamas. Oh screw it, no time.
SFX: Zelda goes to open her door. It’s stuck. She jiggles and pulls to no avail.
ZELDA
What the hell? Why is my door stuck? I swear to God, if Larry got suckling pig jammed in here...
SKIP (OVER LOUDSPEAKER)
Computer, end program.
SFX: Computers and projectors whirring down. All background noise stops and we realize we’re in
INT. EMF BLACK OPS 12 STRATEGIC SIMULATION SITE (DELAWARE)
COMPUTER
Ending simulation. Welcome to EMF Black Site. Delaware.
ZELDA
Granger!
SFX: A door opens and Skip et all come onto the stage.
SKIP
Sorry for the deception, Section Chief.
MCGRATH
Merry Christmas, by the way.
ZELDA
What the HELL just happened.
BOWDEN
The magic of interactive theater!
GLORIA
And a generous dose of Dr. Legrange’s P-13 hallucinogenic gas.
SKIP
Using data supplied to us by an unknown informant, we were able to program the EMF Strategic Simulator’s holographic projectors with images from your past, present, and future.
MCGRATH
The P-13 gas left you in a HIGHLY suggestible state, so it must have all seemed super real.
ZELDA
And...Mini-McGrath?
MCGRATH
Did NOT die!
MINI MCGRATH
Fooled you!
ZELDA
So all those ghosts...the people from my past...
BOWDEN
All performed by me in a TRIUMPH of voice acting! Eat your heart out, Mel Blanc! Also, I may not be speaking again till New Year’s.
MCGRATH
There ARE such things a miracles.
ZELDA
It was all so real. We really should recruit more Disney Imagineers. Well, however you did it - message received. Now is not the time to quit. Now is the time to stand up and FIGHT. The Admiral is back and to make matters worse, Athena is back with him.
SKIP
We know. I’m still not sure who our informant is, but so far, all of the information we’ve been able to verify is accurate.
ZELDA
Get to your cars. We’ll meet back at EMF HQ.
SKIP
Actually, if you don’t mind...we’d still like to celebrate the holiday. How about a strategy session slash Christmas dinner at our place?
ZELDA
Alright. I think we’ve earned it.
MINI MCGRATH
God bless us. Every one.
MUSIC: CHRISTMAS THEME
MISSION VOICE
(Reads Credits)
INT. SKIP AND MCGRATH'S APARTMENT - EVENING
MUSIC: WE WISH YOU ARE MERRY CHRISTMAS (BOWDEN ON PIANO)
SFX: All the good guys are there and they’re all singing around the piano.
ALL (Sing)
WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS
WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR
GOOD TIDINGS TO YOU, TO YOU AND YOUR KIN...etc
SFX: The singers fade into the background. Skip and Zelda are reviewing the file.
ZELDA
And all these files just arrived by courier?
SKIP
Last night. It had your complete, un-redacted file, reports on The Admiral’s return, Athena’s movements...and all these predictions about the future.
ZELDA
I hardly believed Section Chief Saturday when she told you there really was a “man behind the curtain”, but maybe there really is an O.G.
SFX: Ding dong! McGrath goes to answer.
MCGRATH
If that’s a caroler, I am not sharing any of my figgy pudding.
SFX: She opens the door.
MCGRATH
Merry Christmas! Who the hell are you?
O.G.
I’m looking for Skip Granger?
MCGRATH
Skip, there’s a shadowy figure at the door for you.
SKIP
Can I help ... DAD?
SFX: The singing and merriment come to a sudden stop.
O.G.
Merry Christmas, son. I’ve missed you.
MCGRATH
WHAAAAAAT? Skip, I thought your father was dead.
SKIP
So did I.
ZELDA
Is this another gas hallucination?
GLORIA
No. He’s real.
BOWDEN
Oh my God.
O.G.
I’m sorry to interrupt your holiday party. I just couldn’t wait to see you any longer.
SKIP
Does Mom...does she know you’re back...alive?
O.G.
No. Not yet. Son, I’m so sorry for all the time away. But I’m here now and I want to make it up to you.
MCGRATH
Skip, what in the name of Jolly Old Saint Nick is going on here?
SKIP
McGrath, Zelda, everybody... this is my father. Orville Granger.
ZELDA
O.G.
SFX: Studebaker bursts in
STUDEBAKER
Happy Arbor Day! (Beat beat) Oh boy, what did I miss?
MUSIC: STINGER