Season Five, Episode Ten: “Plight at the Museum”
Transcript

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - HALL - DAY

SFX: Tourists shuffle through the halls. The clicks of Kodachrome cameras and patriotic, non-partisan murmurs. BENN THE TOUR GUIDE clears his throat.

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
Welcome to the official White House tour. I’m Benn, your official White House Tour Guide. Please no eating, drinking, or flash photography. Follow me now as we walk through history.

TOURIST 1
Oh. He’s good.

TOURIST 2
Sure. For a tour guide.

SFX: The tourists chortle as the group moves along.

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
In this gallery, you’ll see some of our guests over the years. Of particular note is this portrait of brutal dictator Jose Berreda of San Ontre-Parte done in crayon and ketchup by the 45th president of the United States.

TOURIST 2
So life like.

TOURIST 1
This is already better than the Air & Space Museum.

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
Now, if you’ll follow me, our next stop is Dolly Madison’s Bathroom. It’s not a lavatory, but the story behind that name is one of the history books...

SFX: Ooohs and ahhhs from the tour group when suddenly a familiar voice rings out.

CHET
Those Madisons never could hold it.

SFX: Gasps from the group!

TOURIST 1
It’s the president!

TOURIST 2
I didn’t vote for him.

CHET
Nobody did.

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
President Phillips, what are you doing on the tour? Not that we’re not thrilled...

CHET
Think of me as a secret shopper, Benn. Here to quiz you on obscure White House trivia.

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
My horoscope was right! This IS my time to shine.

CHET
Tell me about these. They’re not original to the building, are they?

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
You have a keen eye, Mr. President. These faux columns, decorated in the classic Ionic style seen throughout the White House, were added in the mid-20th century to cover exposed pipes.

CHET
Pipes? Or...

SFX: Chet RIPS the column away from the wall!

CHET
...pneumatic tubes?

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
You really know your White House facts, Mr. President. The tubes were installed by President James Garfield so that sides of beef could be delivered to him on demand. But they’ve gone unused since...

SFX: THWAP! A canister shoots through the tube.

CHET
Since about a second ago. Where do these tubes go?

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
I don’t know! They don’t allow tour guides beyond the Nancy Reagan Shuttlecock Lounge. Which is also not what it sounds like. One night, Frank Sinatra and Mikhail Gorbachev...

SFX: THWAP! Another canister shoots thrsough the tube.

CHET
You got keys?

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
Yes...

CHET
We’re gonna follow that sound!

SFX: TWHAP! Chet drags Benn the Tour Guide off. Chet and Benn run through the halls, following the THWAP of the pneumatic canister.

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
It just went through the Adams Solarium...

SFX: THWAP!

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
...the Van Buren Big Game Room...

SFX: THWAP!

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
...the William Henry Harrison Coat Room...

SFX: The THWAP seems to descend

CHET
It’s moving downstairs!

SFX: They run downstairs.

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
The Kennedy Drowning Pool!

SFX: Down again.

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
The Eisenhower Bunker! The Carter Strategic Peanut Reserve!

SFX: Down again.

CHET
Bottom floor. All the tubes run behind this door. What’s in there?

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
I don’t know. We’re WAY off the tour map.

CHET
I’ve got it from here. You were very helpful, thank you Benn.

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE
I don’t suppose you could leave me a review on Yelp?

CHET
Go.

BENN THE TOUR GUIDE (Under his breath)
Bet he doesn’t tip either.

SFX: Benn goes. Chet bangs on the door.

CHET
Open up. O.G., I know it’s you in there! I am the President of the United States and I order you to open this door!

SFX: A huge, metallic door squeaks open. A mild mannered woman, Midge, answers.

MIDGE
This is an unlisted door, please stop banging - OH! Mr. President!

CHET
I want to see what’s back there.

MIDGE
Uh...okay.

SFX: Midge opens the door all the way and Chet steps into

INT. WHITE HOUSE - TUBE ROOM

SFX: Pneumatic tubes everywhere! Canisters drop out of the tubes into sorting bins.

CHET
My God. There’s tubes EVERYWHERE! Are all of these linked to rooms in the White House?

MIDGE
Oh no, these tubes go all over!

CHET
The country?

MIDGE
The world.

CHET
WHY?

MIDGE
For...umm...you know, I never really asked. The tubes come in, I open them up, feed the paper into the computer.

SFX: An ancient punch card computer cha-chunks.

CHET
And you don’t ask why?

MIDGE
IN THIS ECONOMY?

CHET
Where’s O.G.?

MIDGE
Who?

CHET
Your boss. The man behind the curtain.

MIDGE
Oh, Mr. Orville?

CHET
ORVILLE? That’s... no, actually, that sounds just about right.

MIDGE
He’s not in right now. Can I take a message for you?

CHET
Rejected.

MUSIC: THEME SONG!

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents.... the backups. Tonight’s episode: A Plight at the Museum.

SFX - WE’RE IN THE CRAPPY LOBBY OF A CRAPPIER THEATER. MCGRATH ENTERS

MCGRATH
Excuse me, I think there's been a terrible... terrible mistake, is this 1375 Wiltshire?

DANCE TROUPE HOSTESS
The Moon Goddess makes no mistakes, my sister of the universe, you're exactly where she’s willed you. Welcome to the Polyphony & Synthesis Modern Dance troupe!

MCGRATH (a beat)
So... 1375 Wiltshire?

DANCE TROUPE HOSTESS
That's where the bank sends our past due notices, so it must be so.

MCGRATH (under her breath)
I'm going to kill him. I know I've said it before but I've never felt it like this.

DANCE TROUPE HOSTESS
Could I interest you in a program?

MCGRATH
That would be a historic feat of salesmanship. I just need to find... crap, where's that ticket he left me... Seat L7.

DANCE TROUPE HOSTESS
Follow me, and just so you know, L7 is obstructed view!

MCGRATH
Thank the Moon Goddess.

SFX - HOSTESS LEADS MCGRATH THROUGH BEADED CURTAINS AND INTO A THEATER WHERE AWFUL NEW AGE-Y MODERN DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

DANCE TROUPE HOSTESS
Here you go, L7. Now settle in for our four-hour retrospective entitled 'The Anarcho-communist Communion of Belonging. Or, It's a Mad Bad Sad Fad World'!

SFX - HOSTESS LEAVES THROUGH THE BEADED CURTAINS

MCGRATH
Dead Skip walking... Dead Skip walking...

GLORIA
Mackenzie!

BOWDEN
Thank the spirit of Alvin Ailey you're here.

MCGRATH
Guys! Did Skip leave you tickets to this, too? I found mine tucked into my phone case this morning.

BOWDEN
Ours were slipped into the dust jacket of the autobiography I'm reading: "I'm Not Isla Fisher" by Amy Adams.

SFX - BEADED CURTAINS

SKIP
Excellent, you made it!

MCGRATH
Excellence and this place are two fundamentally opposed concepts.

GLORIA
Skip, what is all this?!

SKIP
The briefing for our next assignment.

MCGRATH
Here? In the cheap seats at the bull-shite ballet?

DANCE TROUPE HOSTESS
MOVEMENT ONE: THE MIASMA MEANDERS MELLIFLUOUSLY.

BOWDEN
Oh good grief... the third dancer in the back! She might recognize me, I think we both auditioned for the musical version of Johnny Mnemonic, Johnny Harmonic!

AUDIENCE MEMBERS
SHHH/SHHH/SHHHH!

MCGRATH
Ah, go meander mellifluously.

SKIP
This theater happens to be the most efficient starting point for this incredibly time-sensitive assignment. McGrath, please hang the portable screen on your seatback...

MCGRATH
We never should have bought you the portable slide projector.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS
SHHH/SHHH/SHHHH!

GLORIA
Sorry! Please resume your appreciation of the fluidity of the human form!

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

SKIP
This man is known to the world only as... ‘The Antiquarian’.

BOWDEN
I’m looking at a blank slide.

GLORIA
Is it in backwards?

SKIP
No, that’s the idea. No one has ever seen The Antiquarian.

MCGRATH
Please leave the questionable metaphorical representations to the dance troupe.

DANCE TROUPE HOSTESS (at some distance)
Lift me, Eagle of the Karmic Chakras, give me wings to soar beyond impurity!

BOWDEN
Actually, don’t leave it to them either.

SKIP
‘The Antiquarian’, mysterious though he may be, is easily the most renowned collector of spycraft memorabilia on earth. His artifacts span the centuries, going back as far as this hollowed rock said to have inspired the Trojan Horse.

(SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR)

That collection is now on loan to the International Espionage Museum.

GLORIA
That’s here in Washington DC, three blocks from this theater!

SKIP
Tonight is the exhibit’s opening gala. Both the Museum and The Antiquarian himself have been publicizing the event via social media, but earlier today, The Antiquarian’s TikTok--

MCGRATH
The Antiquarian’s TikTok, isn’t that a Dan Brown novel?

BOWDEN
No, you’re thinking of ‘The Antiquated Trireme’, thirty-eighth in his series of Robert Langdon/Dirk Pitt crossovers.

MCGRATH
I guarantee you I am not.

SKIP
AHEM. Earlier today, on TikTok, the Antiquarian made this announcement--

SFX - CLICK, SKIP PLAYS BACK A VOICEMASKED MESSAGE

THE ANTIQUARIAN (on TikTok)
I hope lovers of historical espionage enjoy my collection as much as I, for not only will it astound and inspire your interest in secretive politics and warfare, it may also offer clues to a mystery 23 years in the making! Don’t forget to like and subscribe--

GLORIA
A mystery 23 years in the making... what an oddly specific reference.

BOWDEN
Starting to sound even more like a Dan Brown novel...

MCGRATH
I hate when my snark proves prescient.

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

SKIP
This man is Ernst Florian.

BOWDEN
Skip, this briefing will be easier to follow if you at least attempt segues.

SKIP
In the early 2000s, Florian was a Russian diplomat assigned to the United Nations. Around about the same time....

(SFX - CLIDE PROJECTOR)

... a series of political murders were carried out by a mysterious assassin known as The Empty Hand.

MCGRATH
Bo’s right. Please Google ‘segue’.

SKIP
This will all come together in a moment, I promise--

BOWDEN
Even MORE like a Dan Brown novel!

GLORIA
Honey, please. Those never come together.

SKIP
The Empty Hand’s killings terrorized the western political world until November 29, 2001, when...

(SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR)

-- they simply stopped. No other killings matching his MO were ever reported, the KGB suddenly ceased referring to him in communications, and the mystery of The Empty Hand’s actual identity was never solved.

BOWDEN
Hold on, November 29 2001...

MCGRATH
You’re almost there, Dan Brown...

GLORIA
23 years ago, almost to the day.

SKIP
Exactly. Ever since The Antiquarian’s cryptic TikTok, the intelligence world has lit up in conjecture that part of his collection might reveal The Empty Hand’s identity.

MCGRATH
But what does this have to do with that Ernst Florian guy?

GLORIA
Or the EMF?

BOWDEN
And why are the dancers now wearing Ted Cruz masks?

SKIP
I can answer the first two questions, and pray I never learn the answer to the third.

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

GLORIA
Holy black highlighter!

MCGRATH
Now that is a redacted case file.

BOWDEN
I haven’t seen that much unnecessary black since they screened Tropic Thunder at the Angelika.

SKIP
This file comes from the cold case records of the EMF. It’s date? November 30, 2001. What little remains unredacted...

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

SKIP
... shows that a recently appointed Section Chief Zelda Anders and a young field agent named Chet Phillips suspected Florian to be The Empty Hand but could never prove it. If the Antiquarian’s exhibit includes clues to the The Empty Hand’s identity, then tonight, we can close the case that Chet and Zelda never could!

GLORIA
Skip, hold on... did Zelda assign us this mission?

SKIP
Section Chief Anders is knee deep in a Congressional handshake tour ahead of her Secretary of Defense confirmation hearings. I’ve, er... had no chance to discuss the matter with her as of yet.

MCGRATH
Translation; you think this will prove you’re worthy of Zelda’s title once she gets promoted.

BOWDEN
And don’t want to risk her saying no to this little outing. Hmmmm?

SKIP
Historically it has always been easier to obtain forgiveness than permission. Especially when you're asking forgiveness for proving the identity of a notorious assassin.

BOWDEN
But if Chet and Zelda couldn’t collar Florian, how can we do it tonight?

SKIP
Thanks to Edna.

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

ALL
Awwwwwwwwwwwww!

AUDIENCE MEMBERS
SHHHH/SHHHHH/SHHHHH!

MCGRATH
Hey, look at this woman!

AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!

MCGRATH
That’s what I thought.

GLORIA
What a sweet old lady!

BOWDEN
She looks like a lace doily and a tin of Butter Cookies became sentient!

SKIP
Ernst Florian passed away several years ago. But Edna Florian, his widow, resides in an assisted living facility in Washington DC...

MCGRATH
... which is just as far from this theater as the museum, is it?

SKIP
Edna remains healthy and boasts a crackerjack memory. If tonight’s exhibit includes evidence that exposes her late husband, it could lead any number of vengeful bad actors right to her doorstep.

MCGRATH
Speaking of preventing undesirable exposures, can we do anything about the third dancer from the left?

SKIP
It’s in Edna’s best interests as well as ours that we find any evidence linking her husband to The Empty Hand’s murders first!

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR/MISSION MUSIC

SKIP
Bowden. Posing as an orderly, you’ll infiltrate the assisted care facility, find Edna, and convince her to help us.

BOWDEN
A challenge! I’ve never played an Orderly, though between spots on ER, Chicago Med, House, New Amsterdam, and Gray’s, I have played at least two hundred medical professionals.

SKIP
Once we’ve acquired Edna, the five of us will infiltrate the exhibit and find the mystery evidence.

MCGRATH
That’s it? No convoluted cover identities or questionable means of escape?

BOWDEN
I could get used to this.

SKIP
Any questions?

GLORIA
Just one... this mission takes place entirely within the confines of downtown Washington, DC?

SKIP
Yes.

ALL BUT SKIP
NOT DRIVING.

SKIP
Ooh! Not--- DARNIT!

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC - CRICKETS

BOWDEN
Scrubs, check. Nametag, check Official looking clipboard... check. Now tilt your head down, your eyes up for the full ‘early ER Clooney’ effect, and... action!

SFX - SLIDING DOORS OPEN AND BOWDEN ENTERS TO SOME MUZAK

BOWDEN
Good evening miss, I’m looking for--

ORDERLY STELLA
Are you having a stroke?

BOWDEN
I-- er, no, I assure you my blood vessels are intact...

ORDERLY STELLA
They why’s your head tilted like that? Who do you think you are, ‘early ER Clooney’?

BOWDEN
NO no, of course not, that would be......... no.

ORDERLY STELLA
So are you the new orderly or the new bedpan delivery guy?

BOWDEN
I’ve never been more delighted to say, ‘the former’. Here are my credentials, certifications, and--

SFX - TRASH CAN

ORDERLY STELLA
That’s fantastic. Well, you look sturdy. You might last the week.

BOWDEN
The week?! Ma’am, I’m a professional.

ORDERLY STELLA
Oh sure. But you haven’t met Edna.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

BOWDEN
So... Room number 6?

ORDERLY STELLA
Abandon all hope ye who enter here. But take these. You may need em. Later, new meat.

FX: A DOOR OPENING, NICE AND SLOW, REAL CREEEPY LIKE

BOWDEN
Ummm... hello? Mizz Florian?

(SFX - STEPS IN SLOWLY)

Edna?

(Beat)

Are you... where are the room lights.... Ah OK, here they...

SFX - CLICK

EDNA
SECRETARIAT, IS THAT YOU!?!?!

BOWDEN
What in the Dame Judi Dench--

EDNA
GET OVER HERE, CLIPPITY CLOP, FIVE MINUTES TO GATE!!!

BOWDEN
IS THAT A SADDLE?!?!?!

(SFX - TASER)

AUUGH HOW COULD I NOTICE THE TASER WHEN YOU WERE COMING AT ME WITH A SADDLE!

EDNA
On all fours, meal ticket, I’m riding you to victory!

SFX - TASER

BOWDEN
ARHGHHGH! NO WAIT, THOSE ARE REAL SPURS! Lady, I’m not a horse!

EDNA
NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE YOU’RE NOT! NOW RIDE, IT’S DERBY DAY!

(Singing)

MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME...

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION - PARKING LOT, CAR RUNNING

MCGRATH
Um... Skip? Did you give Bowden a particular sign to indicate that he’d located Edna?

SKIP
Ooh, no, but I should have! With so much at stake, my planning skills are at six and sevens right now!

MCGRATH
They may be at sixes and sevens, but Bo has opted for ‘all fours’.

SFX - DOOR THROWN OPEN - EDNA, RIDING BO AND GRABBING HIS NECK LIKE IT’S A BRIDLE’S REINS, LEAP IN

EDNA
COME ON SECRETARIAT, PACE YOURSELF TILL THE LAST FURLONG!

GLORIA
WHAT IN THE WILLY SHOEMAKER!

BOWDEN (GAGGING)
GUYS, DRIVE, I’VE GOT HER!

SKIP
WHO’S GOT WHO NOW!

BOWDEN (STILL GAGGING)
JUST CLOSE THE DOOR AND DRIVE!

GLORIA
WATCH OUT, YOU’RE BOTH IN MY LAP!

SKIP
DRIVING DUTY DOESN’T SEEM SO BAD NOW!

SFX - AS BO GASPS AND GAGS, SKIP PEELS OUT, EDNA CONTINUES TO HUM MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME/THE FAMOUS ‘CALL TO THE STARTING GATE’ MUSIC

EDNA
I CAN TASTE VICTORY, GIRL!

BOWDEN

<Unintelligible gurgling>

MCGRATH

What is he doing with his hands?

GLORIA

Oh, oh! Two words! First word--

MCGRATH

CHARADES?

SKIP

AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

GLORIA

HE CAN’T TALK, CAN YOU THINK OF A BETTER TIME? Two words... LEFT! Second word... POCKET!

SKIP

Look in his left pocket!

GLORIA

A bottle of... Clozapine! 30 milligrams...

MCGRATH

That’s an anti-hallucinatory, she must not be on her meds!

EDNA

WHO NEEDS MEDS WHEN YOU’RE RUNNING FOR THE ROSES!

GLORIA

YOU! HERE, MIZZ FLORIAN, PLEASE, SWALLOW THESE DOWN....

SFX - SOME OF THE CHAOS STOPS. BO GASPS FOR AIR.

BOWDEN
THAT WASN’T CHARADES, I WAS POINTING TO MY LEFT POCKET!

GLORIA
Ah. That would make more sense.

EDNA
...ohh.. Ohh... oh my... WAIT, WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE! STRANGER DANGER, STRANGER DANGER, where’s my life alert--

SKIP
Mrs Florian, I’m sorry for the subterfuge! But if you let me explain, you’ll see that we’re here to protect your safety!

BOWDEN
Assuming that was the last of the tasers and the craziness...

MCGRATH (soft)
Skip, seriously, if this woman thinks she’s a jockey and Bo’s a horse, does that undercut the whole ‘getting her help’ plan?

EDNA
Sorry, missy, what was that?

MCGRATH
Wow. There’s nothing wrong with your hearing!

EDNA
But there seems to be an issue with your ability to answer a question.

MCGRATH
We had heard that you still had command of your faculties. A bit difficult to believe with you thinking our associate in scrubs was a thoroughbred.

EDNA
Not just any thoroughbred.

BOWDEN
True, she didn’t think me any less than Secretariat.

EDNA
--who won 16 of 21 career races, with three seconds and one third, for total career earnings of $1,316,808. Horse of the year in 72 and 73, elected to the US racing hall of fame in 74, and given a postage stamp in 1999.

SKIP
I... will... have to take your word on that.

EDNA
Take it to the bank. I’m better than Wikipedia and won’t ask you for money every December. So... you think you and I are in some sort of danger?

SKIP
I do. And it all has to do with...

EDNA
Ernst, I’d wager. Causing me trouble even when he’s dead. Whatever it is, I’ll help. Now drive faster. I’m not Miss Daisy.

MCGRATH
You heard the woman Skip, floor it!

SFX - ENGINE ROARS, THEN BRAKES SLAM.

SKIP
Well. To the extent one can in Washington DC. Great Caesar's Ghost, the traffic circles...

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC TO A CITY STREET. PANTING AND RUNNING

GLORIA
Skip, slow down!

SKIP
No can do, Gloria, all those traffic circles put us behind!

MCGRATH
Yes will do, dude, G and I are in heels and our special guest remembers the Nixon administration!

EDNA
Don’t mind me, I jazzercise twice a week and Sweat to the Oldies on Sunday!

SKIP (gets confused mid-line)
We’re almost... there.. any... way...

GLORIA
Skip? What’s wrong?

BOWDEN
I haven’t seen you this confused since McGrath tried to explain Gorillaz to you.

SKIP
ARE THEY A BAND OR A CARTOON?

MCGRATH
THEY’RE BOTH--let’s not get into this again, what’s the problem?

SKIP
Well, this is it.

GLORIA
This is what?

SKIP
The museum, right here, this is the address... but there’s no sign, no advertising, not even a door, and most curious of all...

GLORIA
No line!

MCGRATH
I thought this was supposed to be the event of season for intelligence fanboys and those seeking revenge against international assassins.

BOWDEN
That’s probably a Venn diagram with a lot of overlap.

SFX - A SLIDING SECRET DOOR OPENS. ALL GASP, BUT THEN CARLTON THE MUSEUM ATTENDANT DIVES RIGHT INTO A MONOTONE BORED INTRO HE’S CLEARLY HAD DRILLED INTO HIS HEAD BY HIS BOSS

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT
Ladies and gentlemen welcome to "Secrets: The Secret Secrets of Secrecy" at the International Espionage Museum.

GLORIA
That’s some secrecy!

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT
Tickets, my dudes.

SKIP
Ah, yes, heart rate coming down... here you are, my good man.

GLORIA
Hey, your outfit! You're dressed as James Coburn in Our Man Flint, released in 1966 as an American response to the James Bond craze!

BOWDEN
Well spotted, my love!

MCGRATH
Really G?

GLORIA
Hey, you marry an actor and see what it does to your brain!

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT
Hmmm.

SKIP
Is there a problem?

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT
Nah, just that your tickets are counterfeit.

SKIP
Oh that’s fine, for a moment I thought you were going to say... wait, counterfeit?!

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT
Yep. No hologram in the printing.

MCGRATH (soft)
Skip, what in the Stubhub happened?

SKIP (soft)
I had Wiles do the best she could on short notice in the EMF print lab... we didn’t know about the hologram!

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT
Move along. Nothing to see here. Well, there is. But not for you.

SFX - AS THE DOOR STARTS TO CLOSE, EDNA CLEARS HER THROAT, GETTING EVERYONE’S ATTENTION

EDNA (sighs)
It’s OK Charlie. You’re a good grandson. You tried.

BOWDEN
Hmm? OH--

(soft)

Got it. It’s ‘Yes and’ time.

(not soft)

But grandma, this was your big wish, the whole reason we came to DC, so you could see the International Espionage Museum!

EDNA
Don’t cry for me. In a lifetime of disappointments, what’s one more at the very, very end. I’ll just return to the state home and let the consumption take me... cough...

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT (sniffling)
Duuuuuuude, minimum wage isn’t enough to put with this... Fine. Gimme a minute.

SKIP
You’re good.

EDNA
I was Ernst Florian’s wife, I’d better have been.

SFX - BIG METAL DOOR OPENS, IN THE TEAM WALKS.

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT
Right in here folks, don’t forget to tip your aww the hell with it no one ever tips.

SFX - A BIG METAL DOOR CLOSES

SKIP
Well. If this is the entire crowd...

GLORIA
You mean ‘the five of us’?

SKIP
... this mission might not be as difficult as I’d feared.

MCGRATH
Yeah but it will be a lot easier to search the exhibits if we can actually get inside this building.

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT (OVER A PA)
Move to the center of the room, everyone, please...

GLORIA
Well now I’m getting Haunted Mansion vibes.

BOWDEN
Just without the art or music or mood.

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT (OVER A PA)
Dudes. I’m telling you. Minimum wage. My boss spends everything on--

SFX - CLICK, EVERYONE GASPS

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT (OVER A PA)
-- dramatic lighting.

THE ANTIQUARIAN (OVER A PA)
I am The Antiquarian, and welcome to my exhibit. Since the dawn of time, enemies have sought to increase their advantage in combat by means of subterfuge. Those means of subterfuge have taken many forms... secret codes...

SKIP
OOH CODES...

ALL BUT SKIP
Calm down, Skip.

THE ANTIQUARIAN (OVER A PA)
Disguise.

MCGRATH
If there’s a Snapface in this exhibit I’m suing.

BOWDEN
For infringement on the device you were arrested for misusing?

MCGRATH
This is America. Sue first, ask questions later.

THE ANTIQUARIAN (OVER A PA)
And... SECRET ENTRANCES!

SFX - CLANK, DOORS OPEN, AND WE HEAR A HUGE CROWD

MCGRATH
Well. We won’t feel lonely after all.

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT
Move into the exhibit space please.

BOWDEN
Err, Carlton, was it? What would tonight’s head count be, my $17.50 an hour earning friend?

CARLTON THE ATTENDANT
324 paid in advance. It’s our biggest night since we had Denise Richards signing copies of ‘An Introduction to Nuclear Physics’.

BAD GUY 1
Where should we start, the Hall of Intelligence Failures?

BAD GUY 2
Yes, it’s in the hall of deception right next to J Edgar Hoover’s personal bustier....

GLORIA
Skip, I recognize over half of these faces from the EMF’s surveillance files.

MCGRATH
Seriously, I haven’t seen this many baddies in one place since we rescued the current president from the Admiral’s yacht.

SKIP
Everyone take a few deep breaths. It’s entirely possible all of these people are simply here for the unique nature of the exhibit itself, and not because of...

KYLE
It could be anything, now, Bryce, The Empty Hand was famous for improvising weapons on the spot.

BRYCE
I know that, Kyle, you don’t have to talk down to me! Doctor Middleditch warned us about this--

KYLE
Don’t bring our therapist into this, I’m just reiterating the mission!

MCGRATH
GUYS! It’s Kyle and Bryce, the mercenaries from the Amazon! Do you hear what they’re saying?!?!

GLORIA
Yes, it’s so great they’re going to couples counseling!

SKIP
They’re also looking for the exhibit that identifies The Empty Hand!

MCGRATH
So we potentially have over 300 spies, mercenaries, and agents of ill intent here. And we have to find the Empty Hand’s exhibit before any of them.

BOWDEN
It feels like we’ve beaten longer odds.... Though in the moment, I can’t specifically recall when.

SKIP
We don’t have a choice. Everybody fan out and start looking. Anything that might be relevant to The Empty Hand, get Edna’s eye on ASAP.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

GLORIA
Ooh, a lipstick case camera, an oldie but a classic.

SKIP
That might be the first such device ever put into rotation. The Russians toyed with them as early as the 50s. Edna?

EDNA
No, that’s not Ernst’s. He preferred winter shades.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

MCGRATH
Sweet, a directional rifle microphone... a fake tree stump/listening device... an actual shoe phone! Maxwell Smart for the win! Edna, anything ring a bell?

EDNA
Ernst was never one for prep work. He spotted his target, moved in, improvised, and called it a day. It worked fine for killing people but eventually I just stopped sending him to the grocery store.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

SKIP
What am I looking at?

MCGRATH
This is a robotic python fitted with a surveillance camera and long range microphone, and I want him for Christmas.

SKIP
It’s like a Transformer but somehow not as convincing and yet also way cooler.

BOWDEN
Skip, I’m... what the hell is this, a knockoff Lego anaconda?

MCGRATH
He’s my robot python and I love him so shut up.

BOWDEN
I’m taking Edna into the next exhibit hall, through that door.

SKIP
The one between Robert Hanssen’s stairmaster and the U2 album signed by Francis Gary Powers? OK, but be careful, there are a few bad actors over there who might...

BRYCE
Excuse me. You look... familiar.

BOWDEN
Who, us?

SKIP
Um, No sir, we just have ones of those faces.

BOWDEN
Twos. Of the face.

SKIP
Faces. Twos. Yes.

BRYCE
Perhaps. Normally my partner and I are always running into people from his past, but you... have you ever never been to... the Amazon?

SKIP
Me? To the Amazon? Only to watch ‘Good Omens’! Well, until recently...

KYLE (at a distance)
Hey Bryce! Look at this robotic python! It’s like a Transformer but somehow not as convincing and yet also way cooler...

BRYCE
I’m coming, Kyle calm your bizarre pop culture comparisons. I’ll see you two around...

SKIP
Bowden, I think we’re going to all head into that next exhibit. It’s getting way too hot in here.

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC

MCGRATH
The hall of intelligence failures.

BOWDEN
Unlikely to hold the key to The Empty Hand’s identity...

EDNA
You never know, my late husband had his share of debacles.

GLORIA
I thought he was a consummate professional.

EDNA
Oh, his murdering was spot on, but you should have seen our rose bushes. What a disgrace.

MCGRATH
Welp, let’s fan out... Skip? Skip, are you OK?

SKIP
We stand surrounded by the consequences of history’s most dire intelligence analysis fiascoes.

GLORIA
The diving suit of the Naval technician who failed to fix Pearl Harbor’s submarine netting!

BOWDEN
A disregarded report predicting the collapse of the Soviet Union...

MCGRATH
The Snyder Cut. Just kidding, it’s nuclear codes or something.

SKIP
These are reminders of what happens when people like us don’t live up to their responsibilities.

SFX - GUN COCKS

KYLE
Then allow me to congratulate you on warranting enshrinement in this very exhibit.

GLORIA
Bryce! Or Kyle!

EDNA
A rude young man either way!

KYLE
Chill, lady. I knew it was you lot. A bloke has a hard time forgetting the people who blew up an Amazonian dam on them.

MCGRATH
Are we going to let a little thing like that get between old pals?

KYLE
Of course not. We’re going to let this Glock 9 do that.

SKIP
Kyle, I don’t know if you’ve read the back of your ticket, but by waving that weapon in our faces, you are in direct violation of the terms and conditions of your timed museum entry.

KYLE
This museum is full of people trying to solve the mystery of the century. And whoever does so can make millions selling that killer’s identity to the highest vengeance-minded bidder. So stuff your terms and conditions!

MCGRATH
Yep, that tracks.

KYLE
What does?

MCGRATH
Doctor Middleditch told me all about your trust issues.

KYLE
THAT QUACK DOESN’T KNOW ME!

MCGRATH
GLORIA HE’S DISTRACTED!

GLORIA
OOH! HI-KEEBA!

SFX - SMACK - KYLE GOES DOWN IN A HEAP

EDNA
Excellent cross body technique, young lady!

GLORIA
Aww, thanks Edna!

SKIP
McGrath! How did you know that would work?!

MCGRATH
The only thing that annoys a toxic asshat more than going to therapy, is someone knowing that he goes to therapy.

GLORIA
If we want to keep from getting kicked out of here ourselves we have to hide him.

SKIP
Fortunately, Kyle looks to be the same size as a certain Naval engineers world war two dive suit! McGrath, get his feet!

SFX - GRUNTING

MCGRATH
Getting unconscious people into weird costumes was way more fun in college...

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

GLORIA
OK, Kyle’s secure in the dive suit. And at least ten pounds heavier than he looks!

EDNA
Typical mercenary crap, probably has at least five guns we didn’t know about hidden on his person.

MCGRATH
Overcompensation to the Nth degree.

EDNA
You know it, sister.

SKIP
OK, we’ve been over everything in the hall of intelligence failures from Benedict Arnold’s coded communications to Aldrich Ames’s tickets to Madame Souzatzka. None of it related to The Empty Hand.

BOWDEN
Skip, I know you want to be thorough, but if we’re trying to find evidence linked to an assassin from the late 1990s, we can probably skip the Revolutionary War stuff.

GLORIA
We still seem to be ahead of the rest of the crowd, though.

SKIP
True, nobody has passed on to the next section of the exhibit, which is right through here...

SFX - BUZZ

THE ANTIQUARIAN (OVER A PA)
Ah-ah-ah, not so fast, intrepid exhibit explorers...

MCGRATH
Oh man. Things go right to hell anytime anyone calls me intrepid.

GLORIA
They... they do?

MCGRATH
It all dates back to a disastrous school field trip to New York.

THE ANTIQUARIAN (OVER A PA)
You’ve already learned a fair amount about espionage over the centuries. But those exhibits are just the tip of the iceberg. The real treasures lie beyond...

SFX - LASER MAZE CLICKS ON

THE ANTIQUARIAN (OVER A PA)
.... this exact replica of the laser maze protecting the CIA mainframe at their Langley HQ!

BOWDEN
Holy Brian DePalma...

THE ANTIQUARIAN (OVER A PA)
To punch your ticket to the rest of my exhibit, you’re have to find a way through!

GLORIA
Hold on, is there really a laser maze at CIA headquarters?

MCGRATH
How should I know, want me to call Pat?

SKIP
It sounds like there are two ways past this obstacle; either disable the maze or find a way through it.

MCGRATH
Through that? Please, you’d have to be a circus acrobat to--

SFX - MORE PEOPLE ENTER

BAD GUY 1
Look, the next part of the exhibit is blocked by a laser maze! That must mean the evidence is up ahead!

BAD GUY 2
Lao Che, get through the maze!

SFX - LAO CHE, A CIRCUS ACROBAT, CLAPS TWICE SOMERSAULTS THROUGH THE EXHIBIT

MCGRATH
OK, what are you both looking at me for? Did you think to bring a circus acrobat on this mission? No!

SFX - BUZZ

BAD GUY 1
Oh no, he tripped a laser...

BAD GUY 2
So? It’s just a maze--

SF - A HUGE ENERGY PULSE, LAO CHE GOES DOWN

EDNA
Now that’s a taser! I gotta get me one of those!

BAD GUY 1
There’s got to be another way around this maze...

SFX - BAD GUYS LEAVE

MCGRATH
Skip, what do you think, should we try and find another way, too?

SKIP
No... it feels like a trick. I think the fastest way to the final part of this exhibit is through this maze!

GLORIA
Skip, you’re not...

SKIP
Slow and steady wins the race, old chum... whoah... whoah!

BOWDEN
SKIP, BE CAREFUL!

SKIP
It’ll be fine. Ever since the Olympics, I’ve gotten into Yoga to bring my muscles back into equilibrium...

MCGRATH
Skip, you downloaded one YouTube video!

SKIP
You have to start somewhere.

MCGRATH
It’s for grades K through 2! Elmo taught you mountain pose!

SKIP
I... need... to... try...

GLORIA
You don’t! You need to think! What did the Antiquarian say! About tickets!

EDNA
Your tickets got you in the door...

BOWDEN
But we’ll have to work hard for them to land the prize... I think.

MCGRATH
That is way too tortured a sentence not to mean something!

BOWDEN
And we’re back to Dan Brown!

EDNA
I think you’re on to something young lady! But I don’t know what!

GLORIA
Maybe there’s some sort of code on the ticket that lets us disable to maze?

EDNA
Or a clue on the ticket as to the path through...

MCGRATH
Hold on, look! In the wall! A control panel!

GLORIA
But it’s sealed shut!

SKIP
Hey guys, I’m kind of stuck in this position... I didn’t get this far in my video...

MCGRATH
YOU DOWNLOADED AN ELMO-THEMED YOGA VIDEO AND DIDN’T EVEN FINISH IT!?!

SKIP
THERE WERE CHAPTERS!

GLORIA
Hold on, there’s a portion of the control panel that’s not sealed shut... right here! A little slot!

BOWDEN
It looks to be ticket shaped!

MCGRATH
Here, let me slide my ticket in... ha, The Antiquarian thought he could “escape room puzzle” us into quitting, he’s got another thing...

(SFX - A FIZZLE)

... aaaaand my ticket burned up.

SKIP
Legs..... spasming...

GLORIA
SKIP, DON’T TALK, IT MAKES YOU WOBBLE!

MCGRATH
I don’t know why the ticket didn’t work, the slot is the exact right size--

EDNA
But remember what that kind, manipulatable stoner at the door said: our tickets are counterfeit!

BOWDEN
She’s right!

MCGRATH
But where can we get a--OOH! WAIT!

SFX - RUNNING - SHE OPENS THE DIVING SUIT MASK, WE HEAR KYLE PROTESTING AGAINST HER

MCGRATH
Hey Kyle, don’t try to talk too much around the duct tape, I just have to reach down into your pockets.... Oh man you are sweaty! Didn’t your time in the Amazon acclimate you this sort of thing?

GLORIA
Mackenzie, hurry!

MCGRATH
Got it! Later dude, don’t skimp on the details when you describe this to Doctor Middleditch!

SFX - WHILE KYLE PROTESTS THROUGH DUCT TAPE MCGRATH RUNS BACK

GLORIA
SKIP, LEAN BACK, YOU’RE TEETERING NEAR THAT LASER... NO NOT THAT FAR NOW YOU’RE NEAR THE OTHER LASER!

SKIP
How could you fail me, Elmo!

MCGRATH
Hopefully mercenary sweat doesn’t negate holograms... in it goes...

SFX - CLICK - THE LASERS POWER DOWN

GLORIA
IT WORKED!

SFX - SKIP COLLAPSES

SKIP
Ow.... I landed on Lao Che’s keys...

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC TO ‘THE FINAL ROOM’

SKIP
Hurry, through this door...

GLORIA
Is this the final room?

THE ANTIQUARIAN (OVER A PA)
Congratulations, you have reached the final room of the exhibit.

BOWDEN
He’s nothing if not a legitimately helpful modulated voice.

THE ANTIQUARIAN (OVER A PA)
The artifacts you’ve encountered this far are impressive, but mainstream.

SKIP
A robot python is mainstream?

MCGRATH
It’s finally happened. A hipster super villain.

THE ANTIQUARIAN (OVER A PA)
In here you’ll find the more obscure treasures of my trove, including the one that drew many of you here tonight.

SKIP
Well, we are the first in here, let’s try to take advantage of--

BRYCE (at a distance)
HEY! THE MAZE IS DOWN, WE CAN GET INTO THE FINAL ROOM!

SFX - A RUSH OF PEOPLE ENTER THE ROOM

MCGRATH
Ok, from now on, if there’s something we don’t want to happen, we DON’T SAY IT OUT LOUD!

BAD GUY 1
Out of my way...

BAD GUY 2
It’s in here somewhere...

SFX - AS BAD GUYS MUTTER OVER EACH OTHER WHILE THEY SCOUR THE ROOM, WE HEAR BRYCE...

BRYCE
Kyle? Kyle are you in here... this is so like him, this is absolutely coming in counseling...

SKIP (soft)
OK, this is it! Whatever the item is we’ve got to find it first!

GLORIA
Ooh, a knit throw in which French Resistance agents sewed coded maps of German troop movements! Interesting but too old...

MCGRATH
Hey! This is the poison umbrella gun that killed Georgi Markov! Maybe this is it?

EDNA
Georgi Markov died in 77, how old do you think I am!

MCGRATH
Post-Golden Girls but pre-Cocoon?

SKIP
Um... guys... this might be the most modern device in here. And the region of origin lines up.

GLORIA
The... oh dear... anal toolkit.

MCGRATH
Ahem. “This handy and portable toolkit was designed to be concealed anally by KGB agents. If captured, they could...” Ah. Well.

EDNA
Oh, that could definitely be it. Hey, if you don’t want personal answers--

GLORIA
Hold on... what’s that? In the corner?

SKIP
It’s... a bathroom vanity set?

BOWDEN
But with no placard or sign.

GLORIA
Hold on, look at the toothbrush...

MCGRATH
Where?

GLORIA
It’s right behind the hairbrush... the tip look like it’s been filed down a sharp point!

SKIP
The Empty Hand was known for improvising murder weapons from every day items...

MCGRATH
WAIT! We’re overcomplicating it, as usual!

BOWDEN
I mean, it’s our thing...

MCGRATH

The toothbrush is behind a hairbrush. If both belonged to The Empty Hand...

SKIP (way too loud)
A STRAND OF HAIR ON THAT BRUSH WOULD CONTAIN THE EMPTY HAND’S DNA!

(a beat)

I said that way too loud, didn’t I--

SFX - BRYCE COCKS A GUN

BRYCE
EVERYONE BACK UP! My partner and I stand to make a cool 10 million off of The Empty Hand’s identity, and we’re not going to let anyone stop us from taking this hairbrush!

BAD GUY 1
Any one of us, no...

SFX - EVERYONE IN HERE COCKS A GUN

BAD GUY 2
But how about all of us?

SKIP
There’s a John Wick amount of guns in this room right now...

GLORIA
Maybe we can use it as a distraction?

MCGRATH
Nah, that’s not a distraction... THIS IS A DISTRACTION.

SFX - THE ROOM GASPS AS WE HEAR HISSING

BAD GUY 1
SNAKE!

BAD GUY 2
THAT’S THE BIGGEST PYTHON I’VE EVER SEEN!

SKIP
McGrath, is that the robot python from the exhibit?

MCGRATH
His name is Snakey McLongsnake and he’s family now.

BAD GUY 2
RUN, HE’S COMING FOR US!

BAD GUY 1
OH GOD THE HUMANITY! I MEAN I KNOW I’VE KILLED PEOPLE, BUT NOT LIKE THIS!

GLORIA
How did you hack the robot snake so fast?

MCGRATH
Are you kidding? He’s from the 90s, his root password is ‘password’. Skip, this is your chance!

SKIP
Right! GOT IT!

BRYCE
HE’S STEALING THE HAIR BRUSH!

SFX - EVERYONE’S CHASING SKIP AS HE BREAKS FOR THE EXIT

MCGRATH
RUN SKIP!

GLORIA
YOU CAN MAKE IT!

EDNA
NO HE CAN’T! HI-KEEBA!

SFX - EDNA LAYS SKIP OUT INTO NEXT WEEK

MCGRATH
HOLY CRAP, EDNA, WHY DID YOU LAY OUT SKIP!

SKIP
Oww... there are my keys...

GLORIA
Isn’t it obvious! Ernst Florian wasn’t the The Empty Hand... Edna was!

EDNA
To smart for your own good, missy! Now you have to--

SFX - DOOR OPENS, THE ANTIQUARIAN ENTERS

THE ANTIQUARIAN
IT’S A GO, TAKE HER DOWN!

SFX - A FLOOD OF SECURITY

EDNA
WHAT?! NO!

THE ANTIQUARIAN
TAKE EM ALL DOWN!

SFX - AD LIBS AS THE BAD GUYS AND BRYCE ALL GET ARRESTED

SKIP
Wait! Not us, we’re on your side!

GLORIA
Right, we’re the good guys!

BOWDEN
Usually!

MCGRATH
Now’s not the time to get philosophical, Bo. GOOD GUYS HERE, ALL THE WAY!

THE ANTIQUARIAN
They’re right. Leave those four alone.

SFX - THE ANTIQUARIAN REMOVES HER HELMET

ZELDA
They work for me.

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC, THE EMF BRIEFING ROOM

ZELDA
Ernst Florian was a KGB handler, the most brutal one in their ranks. When a young farm girl from rural Moldova scored off the charts on their aptitude tests...

SKIP
A young horse farm girl, yes?

ZELDA
Indeed. Ernst was assigned to her. Their cover as diplomat and wife was nigh perfect. For years he told her who to kill, and she obeyed.

SKIP
Amazing. That woman’s been through so much but she’s kept her love of horses.

GLORIA
It must be a regressive behavior, a much needed reminder of her innocent youth.

ZELDA
Hmm? Wait, was she humming My Old Kentucky Home?

BOWDEN
All night.

ZELDA
That was her trigger cue as an assassin. She’d hum it as preparation for a hit.

SKIP
So... we were inches from death all evening?

MCGRATH
And people say museums are boring.

ZELDA
Chet encountered the Florians and figured out their secret while he was infiltrating Kristatos O’Brien’s criminal empire. But Edna was sharp, and realized we were on to her. Ernst pushed her to take their next assignment anyway, and one sharpened toothbrush later, he was gone. The Empty Hand ceased to operate, our case went cold. But I’d always dreamed of closing it. With my confirmation hearing for Secretary of Defense coming up, I figured this was my last, best chance.

MCGRATH
So you cooked up a honey pot sting operation to draw The Empty Hand out into the open.

ZELDA
Plus about 300 wanted mercenaries who are now in custody. ‘The Antiquarian’ is a long time CIA cover identity that I... borrowed, shall we say. Along with some artifacts from their archives. The plan was going swimmingly until I arrived at Edna’s care facility to drop off her free ticket, only to learn she had already left the premises with a... how did the orderly phrase it, “a discount Doug Ross in a clown car of chaos.”

BOWDEN
So if your plan leveraged CIA assets... does Pat--

ZELDA
Easier to get forgiveness than permission. Right Skip?

SKIP
Section Chief, I’m sorry. I should have reached out to you before launching an operation of this ilk without knowing the full story.

ZELDA
I get it, Skip. Things are going to change around here and you wanted to prove yourself once and for all. And honestly, I was impressed you figured out the museum’s existing laser maze. I thought that by raising the power to taser level I’d catch more than just one Chinese acrobat. But it all worked out. And Skip?

SKIP
Yes, Section Chief?

ZELDA
No matter my job title, you can--in fact, should--always feel like you can ask me anything. And that goes for all of you.

MCGRATH
Aww, thanks, Z.

(a beat)

I’ll start, then, can I keep Snakey McSnakerson?

ZELDA
Absolutely not.

MCGRATH
Worth a try.

SFX - END CREDITS MUSIC

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate Producer Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written by John Dowgin and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovack
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as the Mission Voice

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Midge and Stella
and Bob Killion as Carlton the Attendant

Guest Starring
Benn Iffring as White House Tour Guide
Rebecca Serfass as Tourist 1
Dave Serfass as Tourist 2
Remy Stevens as Dancer
Roberta Steve as Edna
Pete Barry as Kyle
J. Michael DeAngelis as Bryce
Tage Das as Museum Goon
and John Dowgin as Museum Thug and Dr. Middleditch

As we head into the gift-giving season, I'm compelled to remind you about our merch shop on Tee Public. Imagine surprising your loved ones with their very own Ocean Bureau tote bag, Acquaintances phone case, EMF logo hat, Coffee Skip mug, or an extra soft Gloria Kovack PI premium tee shirt. Yes. The kids will love that. Visit missionrejected.com and click "store" to shop now.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2024 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

INT. DOCTOR MIDDLEDITCH’S OFFICE

DR MIDDLEDITCH
And Bryce, how did Kyle’s abandonment in the middle of the museum feel?

BRYCE
It brought up lots of long-buried feelings about my parents’ divorce...

DR MIDDLEDITCH
Good, good... and Kyle? How does that make you feel?

(SFX - MUMBLING)

Oh, I’m sorry. Bryce would you?

SFX - DIVING SUIT HELMET OPENS

KYLE

I SAID I’M NOT ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS TILL SOMEONE GETS ME OUT OF THIS DIVING SUIT AND I MEANT IT!

SFX - FINAL MUSIC STINGER