Season Five, Episode Eight: “Live and Let Dice”
Transcript

EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY

SFX: WHACK! A golf ball goes flying.

WHITMIRE
Eh, fore!

SFX: Distant cry of man being hit by a golf ball.

WHITMIRE
Well you shoulda ducked!
(to his companion)
See how dangerous the slammer is?

SFX: WHIZZ! Chet ducks as a golf ball goes right past his head.

CHET
Whitmire, maybe not the best idea -
(ducks again)
- to demand they build a driving range inside a federal prison.

WHITMIRE
It would have been fine - look out -
(they both duck)
- if they didn't let all these lowlifes on my private range.

CHET
It's not yours! It's a prison! And you're one of the lowlives! You're only lucky that they allowed JESUS-

SFX: They both duck again.

WHITMIRE
Surprised they let you in here, Mr. President. Even with your secret service watching us like hawks.

CHET
"Let me"?! I'm the President!

WHITMIRE
Oh, still think you're the boss?

CHET
That's actually what I wanted to ask you about. Do you know about the man behind the curtain?

WHITMIRE (hits another drive)
FORE.

SFX: More distant yelling.

WHITMIRE
Eh, that guy's gonna retaliate.
(back to Chet)
So OG talked to you, huh?

CHET
So you do know about OG? But you were only the Secretary of Defense.

WHITMIRE
I had some dirt on President Henson so he introduced me to his little friend. Too bad you killed Henson, that guy had some wild stories -
(they both duck)
Nice try, jackass!

CHET
Who is OG?

WHITMIRE
No idea. But his intel's sound.

CHET
Always?

WHITMIRE
At least while I was Secretary.
(both duck)
Ha! You couldn't hit the broad side of Boris Johnson!

CHET
And you just trusted him without knowing what his sources were?

WHITMIRE
Eh. Maybe I did enough digging to satisfy my curiosity.

CHET
So you do know something. Tell me.

WHITMIRE
Sure. I'll take a pardon.

CHET
What?

WHITMIRE
One presidential pardon equals one piece of information on your mysterious OG. How about it, Chet?
(They both duck once more.)
Chet grabs Whitmire by the lapels and holds him in place.

WHITMIRE
Gah, let go of me!

CHET (calling out)
You want a pin that doesn't move? Here you go!

WHITMIRE
Stop! That guy was on the pro circuit before they threw him in here for human trafficking!

CHET (calling)
If you hit him in the head, I'll give you a pardon!

WHITMIRE
He's in the Golden Gates gang!

CHET
FORE!

WHITMIRE
Okay okay I'll talk put me down!

SFX: Chet drops Whitmire just as a golf ball whizzes overhead.

CHET
Talk.

WHITMIRE
You can't tell anybody this.

CHET
Fine.

WHITMIRE
There's an apartment building in DC on one of the letter streets.

CHET
What street?

WHITMIRE
X Street Alley Northwest. Building 24, apartment 7.

CHET
X Street Alley Northwest. Twenty- four, seven, got it.

WHITMIRE
Go there alone, you'll get answers.

CHET
I can't go anywhere alone, I've always got security on top of me -

SECRET SECURITY GUY
Are you all right, Mr. President?

WHITMIRE
We're fine!

CHET
We're great! Duck!

SFX: All three duck.

SECRET SECURITY GUY
I believe you have an appointment to make, Mister President.

WHITMIRE
It's too bad security's always on you, isn't it, Chet?

CHET
Keep working on your long game, Whitmire.

SFX: Chet and Secret Security Guy begin to walk away.

CHET
Hey, on they way back to the White House, can we swing by X Street?

SECRET SECURITY GUY
No, Mister President.

CHET
...even if it's a direct order?

SECRET SECURITY GUY
No, Mister President.

CHET
And why not?

SECRET SECURITY GUY
Because X Street does not exist.

CHET
What?

SECRET SECURITY GUY
The letters J, X, and Z are skipped on the Washington DC, grid. Do you have any other questions, Mister President?

CHET
About a million.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents…the backups. Tonight’s episode: “Live and Let Dice”.

SFX: Nighttime sounds. Soft wind. Wolf howl. Eerie silence.

SKIP
The air hangs heavier here in the rolling foothills of South Umbra. Darker. Like death waits around every corner. A town seemingly torn between realms, sinister buildings line the road like stewards of the underworld, mystery lurking within. But one door hangs ajar. A cool light pours out. I bid you enter.

(A dramatic pause.)

SKIP
Hang on, new soundscape...

SFX: Click. Skip presses a button. Cheery, RPG tavern music - clearly coming out of some boombox or low budget speaker.

SKIP
You've made it to the Gygax Inn! Before we dive into the next section of my latest Dungeons & Dragons campaign: Gloria, how are you enjoying your first session?

INT. SKIP & MCGRATH'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Skip's tavern music continues underneath the scene.

GLORIA
Well... it's okay. I mean, it's a lot to keep track of with the skill checks and spell slots. And there like seven different dice. And monk's use ki points? what the heck are ki points? But other than that, I think I'm getting the hang of it?

MCGRATH
Don't worry G, you're doing fine, considering we've only actually played for about twenty minutes.

SKIP
What do you mean? We started playing at 2pm.

MCGRATH
No, you started explaining 300 years of lore at 2pm. And then there's whatever Bowden is doing.

BOWDEN (character voice)
FATHER! I will find you! By speed of bow or strength of heart, I vow to traverse plains and seas to-

MCGRATH
Tah-dah. Six hours later.

SKIP
I hear you: for efficiencies' sake I'll skip along to the actual quest you get from the bartender.

SFX: Paper unrolls and it's pounded onto wood.

SKIP (doing a voice)
This is your target: Alexis Davies, the Caskmaster. Your investigation checks confirmed the poison in the ale supply unquestionably traces back to Davies. Elder Zanders has put a point on her head: one point five million, dead or alive.

BOWDEN (character voice)
One point five million is the highest bounty yet! Good timing too. My bard Daniel Night-Lewis owes payment to his nemesis, Rupert Sneglehoose in exchange for my father's safety-

MCGRATH
Jesus, Bowden, can you cool it with the kidnapped father schtick?

BOWDEN
It's called having a rich character backstory. You should try it.

MCGRATH
You stick to backstory, I'll stick to back-stabby.

BOWDEN
Stabby? Or triggering every alarm in South Umbra? Come on, what kind of rogue doesn't do stealth checks?

MCGRATH
Don't put my rogue in a box. Mac the Dagger contains multitudes.

GLORIA
Can you guys can it long enough for me to figure out the difference between hit dice and attack rolls?

SKIP
The innkeeper thinks the bickering trio in the corner is messing up the vibe of her establishment.

INNKEEPER (IN GAME)
Knock it off you lot, or all have you all out on your behinds before you can say "out on your behinds!"

SKIP
She hands you a map. The X on it is the location of Davies' encampment. Scouts have confirmed Davies has guard towers here and here and patrols along this river crossing.

INNKEEPER (IN GAME)
Now get out of here before you scare off every drunk between here and the Swamp of Sadliness.

GLORIA
Oh! Am I supposed to- okay, uh...
(doing a voice)
HAHA! HELGA THUNDERCLAW USES RAGE!

BOWDEN
Sweetheart, no...

GLORA
Why not? Gosh, this is complicated. Mackenzie, you said I didn't need to read the guide book and that D&D is more about "vibes."

SKIP
McGrath, you said WHAT!?

MCGRATH
What? It is!

SKIP
No it's not! It's the perfect microcosm of strategy and precise-

MCGRATH
Fine, sure, whatever moves the quest along.

SFX: In the background, the innkeeper dazedly asks Helga why she would attack her. Gloria ad libs back. McGrath grabs the map.

MCGRATH (IN GAME)
Alright Daniel Night-Lewis. Our quest has a map. Let's go kick some ass and take some names.

BOWDEN (IN GAME)
Hold your dagger, Mac. Narrative structure dictates Davies may be working for a bigger, badder, kingpin. Or queenpin! We should take her hostage and question her.

MCGRATH
The more you talk, the more you're likely to end up with cake on your face. I'm going in guns a-blazing!

SKIP (Clears throat)
Blunderbusses a-blazing.

MCGRATH
Blunderbusses, boomsticks, whatever. Let's cut to the chase and go in with a bang.

SFX: A loud knock at the door.

SKIP
Oh, company! Let's take a brief pause, companions!

SFX: Skip goes over to the door and opens it.

ZELDA
Skip. Is the rest of the team here?

SKIP
Section Chief! Did you decide to join the campaign? This is great! I have a contingency planned with extra monsters in each encounter in case you changed your mind. Do you mind playing a healer?

MCGRATH
Yeah, Z, please come play. And by "come play" I mean, "come play and buy us pizza." I'm gonna drop to 0 HP if I don't get some grub.

ZELDA
Sorry, I'm here on business. I wouldn't cut in if it weren't pressing, but time is of the essence. I have briefings here, you can read them on the plane.

GLORIA
What plane?

ATHENA
My plane. What's up nerds? And before you ask, you don't want me to play. I play a Level 15 tiefling sorcerer and I will murder all your characters with one Eldritch Blast.

SKIP
Athena!? What are you doing here?

ZELDA
Because of AthenaCorp's government contracts. Apparently this is how we fly now.

MCGRATH
Athena: basically a Lyft driver now. Never thought I'd see the day.

ATHENA
I have a huge business deal to close there anyway. And I needed someone to sub in for my in-flight snake-sitter. Lucky you, Moncrief, you got the gig.

GLORIA
Wait, back up. Business where?

ZELDA
Scotland.

SFX: Click! The tavern ambiance swaps to more intense, encounter music.

SKIP
Oh sorry! I accidentally hit the battle music.

MUSIC: Transition music

INT. SCOTTISH PUB - MORNING

SFX: Patrons chattering. Ambient scottish music?

SKIP
Ahh Scotland! Spending the night at an historical inn from the 16th century is a real treat.

BOWDEN
Sleeping on an historical mattress from the 16th century, not so much.

SFX: McGrath grumps gruntily.

GLORIA
I'm just happy to be on an actual mission where things make sense.

SKIP (to Bowden and Gloria)
Don't worry, McGgrath's like this every morning before she's eaten. Zelda said our contact would meet us here to give us the details.

SFX: The landlord walks over and sets some plates down.

LANDLORD
Order up.

MCGRATH
What... is this?

LANDLORD
Full Scottish breakfast of course. Bacon, link sausages, Lorne sausage, haggis, baked beans, fried mushrooms and tomatoes, toast, tattie scones and fried eggs. And we serve our black pudding in the shape of the Loch Ness Monster.

MCGRATH
All this? For breakfast?... I love Scotland!!

SKIP
Sir, we didn't order this! I know Scottish hospitality is famed but--

LANDLORD
If the EMF weren't secret, my hospitality would be more famous…Agent Granger.

GLORIA
Wait... you're our EMF contact?

LANDLORD
That's right, lassie. I used to be an agent like you. Then I took an arrow to the knee. And retired.

BOWDEN
Good to know some agents survive long enough to retire.

LANDLORD
The name's Duncan Land. Lord Duncan Land. I am the landlord of this inn and now that I'm retired, it feels like the role I was born to play. I reached out the Section Chief because something is rotten in the state of Scotland.

SKIP
Tell us about it.

DUNCAN
We're a sleepy town. That is, up until a month ago when we started to get a ton of new tourists - but curious thing was, they all said they were heading out to the historic castle in the countryside.

BOWDEN
Let me guess. Viral Tiktok tourist spot?

DUNCAN
If it is, none of the TikTok tourists ever come back.

MCGRATH
And the world is a better place. So what, is the joint haunted?

DUNCAN
That's what the townsfolk have been saying, especially since the castle has been mysteriously renovated.

GLORIA
Property Brother ghosts!

DUNCAN
I think not. These passersby usually pay a visit to my pub here on their way to the castle and they're pretty odd birds. Like their brains ain't all there. Kept bringing up some "Beloved Leader." Like a cult. And they all were traveling with a set of most- curious looking dice.

BOWDEN
Dice?

DUNCAN
Yeah. Real weird shapes. One with four sides. One with six, one with eight. Then there was a 10, 12, and-

SKIP
Let me guess. A 20?

DUNCAN
Aye, right you are, Agent Granger.

MCGRATH
Um, those are Dungeons and Dragons dice. How do you not know that?

DUNCAN
I guess because in Scotland we don't need silly dice for tales of dungeons and dragons.

SKIP
So it's a D&D cult?

GLORIA
Nooooo.....

BOWDEN
Sorry Gloria.

GLORIA
Gosh, I do not get the obsession! The movie wasn't even that good.

EVERYONE EXCEPT DUNCAN
How dare you!/You take that back!

BOWDEN
So a cult's forming in the Scottish highlands. What's our plan?

SKIP
The first thing we need to do is get information. We'll start with simple recon and infiltration.

BOWDEN
When you say infiltration...

MCGRATH
Skip, I told you, one sewer mission per year.

DUNCAN
If you'll take advice from an ex agent with 40 years of experience instead of bumbling around like a bunch of back-ups, I suggest you pretend to be new recruits and take 'em down from within.

GLORIA
Well at least it won't be dice rolling nonsense. Posing as cultists to infiltrate an organization is real mission stuff.

MCGRATH
It should be easy for Bowden. He already look like he's in a cult.

SFX: The team gets up and walks out - faded out over the below, Bowden ad libbing.

BOWDEN
Hey! I told you, this haircut is temporary! It's for my Satan's Game audition, Netflix's upcoming new docuseries on Gary Gygax. I'll be auditioning for the role of Snot- Nosed Teenager Four, a pivotal role in the docuseries that makes a pivotal roll in the first-

SFX: Transition music

EXT. HIGHLANDS - DAY

SFX: Winds blowing on the moor. Boots on a dirt path.

GLORIA
The guard tower to the castle is just up here!

SKIP
And look! Everyone inside is dressed in medieval outfits. And they have swords, and market stalls - full on live-action role play! This is actually kind of exciting.

MCGRATH
This is gonna be like that time at the freaking Renn Faire, isn't it? No jousting this time, Skip.

GLORIA
There's a guard there at the gate. Everyone act like you're in a cult!

BOWDEN
I've studied at the Stella Adler Academy. I know you all don't know what that means but I'll be okay.

SFX: Footsteps up the tower.

SECURITY GUARD
Welcome to the Secret Society of the Spectacle. Submit yourselves before the Beloved Leader.

BOWDEN
Oh noble keeper of the pathway - we bow before your humble realm and submit ourselves wholly to its power so we might ascend into our fullest forms.

SECURITY GUARD
Roll a persuasion check.

BOWDEN
We entreat you to - wait what?

SECURITY GUARD
I trust you have you have your invitation dice?

SKIP
I think he wants us to roll D&D dice! A whole community dedicated to the excitement of D&D while living out the drama in live action role play – what a gas! Sir! We have our invitation dice here.

MCGRATH (whispering)
Where did you get those?

SKIP (whispering)
I always carry extra sets of dice in case people want to play.

SECURITY GUARD
Those don't look like the dice I got.

GLORIA
They're limited edition dice! For new VIP members.

SECURITY GUARD
Aww. I wish I were a VIP instead of an NPC... Very well. You must roll for entrance.

SFX: Dice roll.

BOWDEN
We entreat you, fair guard! An 18!

SECURITY GUARD
HE HAS PASSED THE DC. THEREFORE HE MUST BE PERMITTED ENTRANCE. The Beloved Leader will be pleased to have four new initiates.

SFX: Click! Mars Bringer of War plays again.

SECURITY GUARD
Oh sorry! I accidentally hit the battle music.

SFX: Footsteps as the group walks up the path.

MCGRATH
If D&D's about vibes, I'm getting weird ones.

GLORIA
So, if we're going to have to roll the dice every time we want to do something here, I don't suppose now would be a good time to actually teach me how to play?

SKIP
Gloria, turn that frown upside down! Think of it like any other mission. We have undercover aliases- cultists - and we have a unique set of equipment - dice!

MCGRATH
Whenever you want to do something, you roll to see how well you do it. Rolling 20 is good, a 1 is... not.

BOWDEN
And just remember, if you're unsure - improvise! Everyone loves to delve deep into character backstory and rich monologues are the-

MCGRATH
NO.

GLORIA
Fine. But if we run into a gelatinous cube, I will be having none of it!

SKIP
We got this! We just need to track down this Beloved Leader and find out what exactly they're up to. I'm sure the D&D rolling won't even be that big a part of it.

SFX: Quick Transition

EXT. MARKET STALLS - LATER

GLORIA
You're saying you'll only tell us about the Beloved Leader if we roll a seventeen or higher on the dice? Doesn't that seem a bit arbitrary?

TOWNSFELLOW
Not at all.

GLORIA
So it has nothing to do with if you want to tell us. It's luck.

SKIP
That's the game, Gloria. I'll try! My monk has +3 to persuasion.

SFX: He rolls,

TOWNSFELLOW
YOU ROLLED POORLY. I WILL NOT SHARE LORE ABOUT THE BELOVED LEADER. But... you can try my stable boy. His persuasion threshold is lower.

MCGRATH
Alright. Let's split up. Skip and Bowden, go see what you can learn from the folks in the courtyard. Gloria and I will go find this stable boy.

GLORIA
Ugh. The things I do for the EMF...

SFX: Quick transition.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE

SFX: The bustle of a crowd around. Coms static.

MCGRATH (On Comms)
No sign of the stable boy yet, but I'm up to my knees in sheep dip. Any progress with the townsfolk?

BOWDEN
Guys I have an idea. To shake these cultists out of their fanaticism, all we have to do is whip them up into a frenzy of irrational fear!

SFX: Bowden steps up onto a wooden box.

BOWDEN
Friends, either you're closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster Indicated by the presence of a cult leader in your community Well, ya got trouble my friend Right here I say, trouble right here in Scotland castle...

SFX: Quick transition

INT. BARN

SFX: Sounds of sheep bleating

GLORIA
McGrath, I don't think real sheep are going to tell you anything, no matter how well you roll!

MCGRATH
No, I'm thinking we hide amongst them and sneak in. You took that seminar in sheep-wrangling, right?

GLORIA
I did! I don't mean to brag, but I was named class bellwether.

MCGRATH
People have to understand what you're saying for it to be a brag.

SQUEAKY VOICED TEEN
H-hey man! Are you trying to sneak into the castle with the sheep?

MCGRATH
Yeah. I rolled a 19 on stealth. What's your perception roll?

SQUEAKY VOICED TEEN
23. I CAN SEE 60 FEET IN DIM LIGHT! NOW. YOU ARE VISIBLE! HA. HA.

MCGRATH
No duh, it's broad daylight.

SQUEAKY VOICED TEEN
I see you, so um... come down! I intimidate you. Intimidation roll!

SFX: He rolls.

SQUEAKY VOICED TEEN
Yes! A 26! YOU ARE SO INTIMIDATED YOU TREMBLE.

MCGRATH (unconvincingly)
Yeah man. So intimidated.

SFX: Transition.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - DAY

BOWDEN (finishing his Music Man)

With a "D"! That rhymes with "D"! And that stands for dragons!!

SFX: Bowden finishes his song, massively out of breath. Silence.

CULTIST (calling from the crowd)
Do a performance check!

BOWDEN
Oh, right, sorry.

SFX: He rolls

BOWDEN
A TWO??

SFX: Hypnotic boos and jeers well up from the crowd. Splat! Splat splat!

BOWDEN
You had those tomatoes on hand??

SFX: Splat!

BOWDEN
Gary says ignore Rotten Tomatoes, but this is simply un-ignorable.

SFX: McGrath approaches

MCGRATH
Stable boy was a bust. Gloria went to check inside the castle...and let me just take a quick picture of you, Bowden. For your wife. And definitely not for my private Insta.

SFX: Camera click

MCGRATH
You never looked better.

INT. DELIVERY CART

SFX: The sounds of a cart rolling.

SKIP (COMMS)
Gloria? Come in! Where are you?

GLORIA
I'm okay, Skip, don't worry! We were getting nowhere with that dice rolling nonsense, so I decided to handle this the classic way. I saw a food delivery cart going around back and grabbed my chance. I'm hitching a ride into the castle!

MCGRATH (COMMS)
What kind of food?

GLORIA
Some celery, some turnips... wait, does it matter?

MCGRATH (COMMS)
No but... I still wanna know.

SKIP (COMMS)
Mcgrath, get off the line! Okay, you stay the course, Gloria. We'll find a way inside and meet up with-

SFX: Muffled footsteps.

GLORIA
Eep! There's someone coming.

SFX: The sound of a roll-down door being opened.

CUTHBERTA
Huh? What are you doing in myvcelery shipment?

GLORIA
Uh... I am celery?

CUTHBERTA
Roll deception.

GLORIA
Fine.

SFX: TRANSITION

EXT. TOWN SQUARE

SKIP
Alright guys, we need to find a way to meet Gloria inside.

MCGRATH
I don't see how with the way we're rolling. All these people care about is the dice. Even for cultists, they're bonkers.

BOWDEN
The apple seller seemed like he wanted to talk to me, but then he rolled the dice and just like that, it was like he was in a trance.

SKIP
It's gotta be the dice. Every time someone rolls, it's as if they become zombies... or mind flayer thralls! We need to get inside the castle, find the Beloved Leader and get to the bottom of this.

MCGRATH
How? We can't persuade our way in, perform our way in, or sneak in-

BOWDEN
Well... I saw something at the blacksmith's. It'll take a good deception roll. But it's a movie trope I've always wanted to try.

SFX: Quick transition

SFX: Clang clang clang sound with every footstep.

SKIP
Great deception check Mcgrath! Those blacksmiths will be making the iron hot by striking until well past supper.

MCGRATH
Everyone loves the metaphor, I figured why not try the real thing?

BOWDEN
And now we've got three suit of armor disguises.

MCGRATH
Let's see those guards ask us to roll persuasion now.

ANOTHER GUARD
State your business.

SKIP
Hello Sir. Just three new recruits, heading to our posts in the castle.

ANOTHER GUARD
MY PASSIVE INSIGHT IS NOT ENOUGH TO SEE THROUGH YOUR RUSE. Carry on.

SFX: Clang clang clang as they walk up the castle steps.

BOWDEN
See McGrath? Stealth gets results. Didn't even have to roll for it.

MCGRATH
Shut up.

SFX: Transition

INT. KITCHENS - DAY

SFX: Gloria struggles.

GLORIA
Hey let me go! Unhand me!

CUTHBERTA
You said you were celery and rolled a natural twenty, so it must be true. And celery goes in the pot.

GLORIA
You can't COOK me! That's insane! Anyway, look how stringy I'd be! She struggles again but to no avail.

CUTHBERTA
You will not escape. I have a very high strength modifier.

GLORIA
You're also built like a dump truck, so that might have something to do with it.

SFX: Dice roll.

CUTHBERTA
22! INTO THE POT YOU GO, CELERY!

GLORIA
Oh my god, you cultists take this role play WAY too far... Wait... that's it! Hey! Chef Lady! If you cook me, you'll anger my followers.

CUTHBERTA
Followers?

GLORIA
That's right. I'm the leader of an underground movement called the Salad Relief Alliance. I stand with all of the other vegetables and we fight for our rights to life, liberty, and freedom. If you eat me, you're gonna have every garden from here to Timbuktu after you!

CUTHBERTA
You really expect me to believe you're on a side quest about liberating vegetables?

GLORIA
Yes, if I roll high enough. Those are your rules, right?

CUTHBERTA
It'll be a high threshold.

GLORIA
Let's see what I got.

SFX: A dice roll.

GLORIA
HA! A twenty-two! Beat that.

SFX: Another dice roll.

GLORIA
Aww jeez.

SFX: The chef grabs Gloria again

GLORIA
No stop! I swear I'm not celery!

CUTHBERTA
ANY LAST WORDS BEFORE YOU JOIN YOUR BRETHREN IN THE POT?

GLORIA
Just something Uncle Riley used to say to me: if you can't get someone to listen to your words... get them to listen to your fists!

SFX: She punches! Cuthberta groans. Gloria runs upstairs.

GLORIA
The Salad Relief Alliance strikes!

CUTHBERTA
Ohhhhh ow! No fair, you cheated!

SFX: Transition

INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

GLORIA
Okay, just gotta find the team... in this immense castle with a gazillion rooms!

SFX: She opens a door.

GLORIA
Wait, what's- oh my god. Oh no!!

SFX: Quick transition.

INT. GREAT HALL - DAY

SFX: The doors open.

SKIP
Well we're inside. But boy these suits of armor really are the Dickens to walk around in.

BOWDEN
This place is enormous! How are we gonna find Gloria?

SFX: The door bursts open and Gloria rushes in.

GLORIA
Guys! There you are!

MCGRATH
Well that was a freebee.

GLORIA
I HAVE to tell you, I saw something in a store room. This Beloved Leader has something big planned-

DUNCAN
Yes, I do indeed.

SKIP
Lord Duncan Land? The landlord from the pub? What are you doing here? What's going on?

BOWDEN
God, this is your cult! I should have known. Typical movie twist.

DUNCAN
Oh, but there is so much you don't know. You can't begin to imagine the intricate web I have woven.

SKIP
Wait, but... you're the one who called the EMF in the first place! Why would you do that?

BOWDEN
I'm guessing as ex-EMF he knew it was only a matter of time before we came snooping around here. So he lured our team out here to take us out before we had the chance to get the drop on him. Is that right?

DUNCAN
Well, yes... cutting the goose off at the knees as it were.

SKIP
I don't think that's a saying.

DUNCAN
But you don't know what I'm planning!

BOWDEN
It's obviously centered around these hypnotic dice. He has some grand plan to take over the world with mind control.

DUNCAN
Okay, fine, that's correct-

GLORIA
In the store rooms, I saw a hundreds of boxes of dice labeled with the names of some of the most influential people in the world. Politicians, CEOs, Paul Rudd!

MCGRATH
You monster! You leave him alone!

DUNCAN
But you don't understand why I've done this-

BOWDEN
Because your time in the EMF made you jaded about humanity's capacity for evil -

DUNCAN
Stop stealing my rich monologue!

BOWDEN
What? It's basic story structure.

DUNCAN
But you're not wrong. I once believed the EMF could truly make the world better. But mission after mission, year after year… nothing changed. The cycle continues, and you struggle haplessly like butterflies in a hurricane. I realized, the only way to stop someone bad taking over the world was for someone good do it first and, in one collective mental state, unify everyone in harmony. Achieving global harmony: isn't that the EMF's true mission?

SKIP
Duncan, you can't stamp out free will, no matter how frustrated you are with the state of things!

MCGRATH
Bowden, what's the point of D&D? Why hypnotize a bunch of nerds?

BOWDEN
Oh, it's not about D&D at all. It's-

DUNCAN
Don't ask him, ask me! Oh, it's not about D&D at all. This was just a secluded, controllable environment to perfect the hypnotic frequency.

SKIP
Well, I think that's all of the details. Gloria? Take him out.

GLORIA
On it.

SFX: SLAM. Metal bars come down.

GLORIA
Ahh! What the heck!

BOWDEN
What kind of medieval castle has giant metal cages ready to drop down at any moment?

SKIP
They're called portcullises.

MCGRATH
He's taking the "dungeons" part of Dungeons & Dragons too literally.

GLORIA
Let's hope the same can't be said of the "dragons!"

MCGRATH
I'll radio out to Zelda... damnit - something's jamming the signal!

DUNCAN
You'll have to wait here while I deliver my packages to the shipyard. 1000 sets of dice sent to the most important people in the world. All they have to do is touch them and we'll be one step closer to global peace. But to make sure you don't try anything, my partner will be here to keep an eye on you.

SKIP
Partner?

DUNCAN
You didn't think I was in on this alone? I'm the silent partner.

MCGRATH
Then why don't you make like a silent partner and SHUT UP?!

DUNCAN
The visionary behind our devices is someone I think you know.
(calling)
Timothy! Come out, won't you?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
NYEH HEH HEH!

SKIP
TIMMY TWO BIT THOMPSON?!?

DUNCAN
You kids play nice.

SFX: Footsteps as Duncan leaves.

BOWDEN
Timmy, what the hell are you doing here? Didn't you get absorbed into Athena's company when Terry Millionaire's life imploded?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
My genius was too grand to be understood by the spud heiress. But the illustrious Lord Land saw what I bring to the table. Specifically, the dice. I'm not surprised you don't recognize the technology. Far more elegant than TerryCorp's Prisoner Rehabilitation Technology, even if its schematics were the jumping off point.

SKIP
Timmy, that's actually really impressive. Your tinkering has come a long way since Mellencamp.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
I know it has, Granger! Don't patronize me!

SKIP
But why do all this? You're not really a bad kid.

BOWDEN
Woah woah... he's not? Since when?

GLORIA
Yeah, last I checked he has signed up with three organizations trying to take over the world, tried to murder you and Mcgrath, tried to murder Zelda, tired to murder my husband with a train--

MCGRATH
And don't forget, when he was Davin Ford's lackey, he wore a popped collar. He's bad, through and through, Skip.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Uh. I'm right here.

SKIP
Look, he's made some unfortunate choices but... Timmy, are you really trying to take over the world?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
I'm not!

SKIP
See?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
I'm content with ruling the people in this castle.

SKIP
Oh.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Here I can play D&D with my friends forever! Duncan's business is his own.

GLORIA
You're forcing them to be here! How can you say they're your friends?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
They don't unleash angry pumas on me.

MCGRATH
That feels like a low bar for friendship. Timmy, these people aren't your friends, they're your prisoners.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Lies! And to prove I don't keep anyone prisoner, I shall grant your freedom... if you best me in a game of my own choosing.
(dramatic pause)
Dungeons and Dragons! Dun dun duuun!

MCGRATH
Yeah. No duh.

SFX: Transition

INT. DUNGEON - LATER

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Okay, are you all good with snacks? It's not D&D without snacks!

MCGRATH
Don't think you can sweet talk me with sweet snacks, kid... I'll take the Takis.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Alright everyone, just let me get my notes and sound scape set up-

SKIP
Hey! That's the same folder I use for my Dungeon Master planning!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
So you say. But you won't charm your way out of here! The only way to win your freedom is to make it out of my campaign alive! Now...

SFX – DUNGEON SOUNDS: SOUND OF DUNGEON PRISON BARS CLANKING SHUT, CRACKLING TORCHES, FAINT SQUEAK OF RATS AND OTHER PESTS

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSO
You open your eyes to find yourselves trapped in a dungeon cell in Castle Mellencamp, wearing nothing but cloth rags. The light is dim, and several musty cots line the far stone wall. Flies buzz around a slop bucket in the corner filled with your own excrement, and the iron cell door is locked tight.

GLORIA
Aww, rats.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Indeed, many rats scurry around your feet. One tries to bite you!

MCGRATH
I try to kick it!

SFX: Rat squeal. Splat.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
The rat goes flying across the room and hits the far wall with a sickening crunch! You each get two and a half experience points.

BOWDEN
Alas, poor rat! I knew him, Mac the Dagger: a rodent of infinite squeaks, of most excellent fancy cheeses, I'm sure. I once had a-

MCGRATH
Guys, wake me up when Bowden's done his boring monologue.

BOWDEN
Oh great, the D&D police is back. Look, it is a perfectly valid way to play and much better than kicking innocent creatures-

SKIP
Not now, you two! We can't waste time fighting amongst ourselves. We need to finish this campaign as fast as possible and stop Lord Land before he sends out that shipment!

GLORIA
Skip's right. This isn't us playing D&D for fun anymore, this is a real mission. I'll stop my judging and griping about how dumb this game is if you two reign in the bickering.

SKIP
Great attitude Gloria!

GLORIA
I'm going to look outside this cell for anything that might help. I think that's a perception check...

SFX: She rolls dice.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Two hulking jailers sit across from the cell door.

SFX: In the game, jailers grunt.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
They appear to be drinking mulled wine and playing mumbly-peg, their backs turned, ignoring you. You also see one of the jailer's belts has a keyring with three keys. It dangles, just out of reach.

GLORIA (IN GAME)
Hey you, guard! Can I borrow that key? Uh... pretty please? Persuasion check.

SFX: Dice rolls

GLORIA
Aww... a 3?

JAILER 1(IN GAME)
Pipe down, prisoner.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
They laugh at your feeble attempt and smugly return to stabbing themselves in the fingers.

SKIP
Is THAT what mumbly peg is?

MCGRATH (IN GAME)
Hey! Hey bozo!
(not in game)
I pick up the rat carcass and throw it at the nearest one.

SFX: She throws.

BOWDEN (IN GAME)
NO! DON'T THROW SCAMPERS! WE HAVEN'T HAD HIS FUNERAL YET, I'M…

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Too late! The die has been cast! Er, Mac the Dagger, cast your die!

MCGRATH
Oooh! Natural 20 baby!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Oh, my – well, according to my notes, rolling a 20 here causes the rat carcass to hit the first jailer in the head, knocking him unconscious, and ricochet off to hit the other in the nose! The second begins to bleed and retreats, threatening you.

JAILER 2 (IN GAME)
Filthy churl. You're gonna wish you was dead when I find my tools!

SKIP
Timmy... you planned out exactly what happens on a natural 20? That's terrific preparation!

MCGRATH
Skip, have you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?

GLORIA
Wait, the jailer's who's knocked out has the keys, right? I'll try and take them!

SFX: She stretches, reaches for them

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Sadly, they're not in reach.

SKIP
Does anyone have a spell to reach it? I'm playing a monk and monks use Ki points for their abilities. (realizes) Wait... Ki points... key points. AVpun! Timmy, I punch the lock and use one of my monk's ki points to strike it again in the same turn. (rolls) 16 and 17 to hit?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Very clever. Punching the lock with ki points causes the lock to change shape right in front of you - it shimmers and becomes... a keypad!

MCGRATH
Wait, I punch in the combination!

SKIP
You know the combination?

MCGRATH
No, I literally punch the combination. Timmy, I combo punch the lock! Three unarmed strikes, rapidfire! Punch punch punch!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Three solid combo punches on the keypad and it breaks. The dungeon door swings open, allowing you safe passage over the unconscious jailer and out the exit.

MCGRATH
Yes! I told you, D&D is all vibes!

GLORIA
So... it was all just a play on words? This game makes no sense!

BOWDEN
Wait! I want to loot the jailer. 7 investigation?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
You find nothing but the clothes on his back.

BOWDEN
Yes! Score! My Bard loves having an array of disguises available to him. You see, ever since he was a little boy, he always-

MCGRATH
Timmy? I punch Bowden too.

BOWDEN
Hey!

SFX: She rolls.

MCGRATH
6 damage.

BOWDEN
No, wait, she can't do that-

SKIP
We continue on!!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
You journey onwards down the hall to the door, which mysteriously opens on its own, almost beckoning you inside. You see... wait, where are all the snacks?

MCGRATH (mouth full)
What?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
You ate EVERYTHING?! Gee willikers, time for a refill! I'll be right back, don't go anywhere!

BOWDEN
How can we? We're in a cage.

SKIP
Well planned McGrath, getting Timmy to leave like that.

MCGRATH
Um. Sure. Plan.

SKIP
And good job team. We got through the first room.

MCGRATH
No thanks to Bowden. Seriously, can you cool it with the rat funerals and disguises and stay focused?

BOWDEN
You kicked a rat for no reason!

MCGRATH
Yeah, but I was totally right about the combination lock.

GLORIA
None of it matters! I tried to take it seriously, but we need to stop playing Timmy's game and do this our way - like an actual mission!

SKIP
Come on, don't fight! Gloria I get what you're saying, but unless you have another solution, we need to finish this campaign as soon as possible. It's our best shot.

MCGRATH
I agree. So stop wasting time sucking up to Timmy.

BOWDEN
Seriously. And the fact that McGrath and I agree says something.

SKIP
I know Timmy has gotten involved with some bad people but... I don't think he's a lost cause.

GLORIA
Why? You're not white knighting for Terry Millionaire or the Admiral. What makes Timmy different?

SKIP
I just... I see a lost kid in him. It sounds like his mom never looked twice at him growing up, and I don't think his dad was even in the picture. My dad wasn't around and even though my mom was great and did her best... it was still hard. I just think Timmy's looking for someone to believe in him. It's not his fault Davin Ford did it first. Or that Duncan was able to work his mind games on him.

BOWDEN
You think Duncan has him hypnotized too?

SKIP
I don't know. Maybe.

SFX: The doors open.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Here we go! 3 more bags of Takis for my new friend McGrath.

MCGRATH
I'm not your friend.

SKIP
Timmy, can we just talk about-

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
The time for talk is over! Now is the time for action: movement and attack action.

SFX: Click. Timmy turns on his sound scape. Creepy forest sounds. Leaves rustle in the breeze, branches groan softly. An owl hoots, crickets, you get the idea.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
You pass through the door into a stone corridor and your vision goes dark. As you walk, the stone floor gradually turns to grass littered with leaves. Your vision returns: you find yourselves in a clearing of the fabled Forest of Infinite Trees! Nyeh heh heh!

GLORIA
Do we recognize it as the Forest of Infinite Trees?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Uh, yes. There is a lone wooden sign in the clearing: it reads The Forest of Infinite Trees.

GLORIA
Okay, jeez, just checking.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
The clearing is a perfect circle, 30 feet in diameter and ringed by tree trunks packed so tightly together that they appear to be a solid wall of forest.

MCGRATH
So we can't just walk through?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Precisely, Mac the Dagger. You can touch the trunks and interact with the leaves, but you cannot walk out of the clearing. At least... not in the traditional way. You appear to be trapped! Nyeh-heh-heh!

SKIP
Well, I want to perceive if there's anything important in the clearing. Perception check!

SFX: Rolls

SKIP
A 19! What do I find?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
On the back of the wooden sign, you find a message etched by a knife.

BOWDEN
I read it! What's it say.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
It's some form of Elvish. You can't read it... Right?

MCGRATH
Not me. I only took Javascript or Klingon as my extra languages.

SKIP
Awww, you DID listen to the Weird Al mixtape I made you for your birthday!

BOWDEN
I don't speak Elvish either.

SKIP
Nor do I. Gloria?

SFX: Rustling of papers.

GLORIA
Oh! My character sheet says I know Elvish! Timmy?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
The sign reads, "Those who wish to leave the Forest must leave the forest from the trees."

BOWDEN
Hmmm... okay. Yes. Right.

MCGRATH
Timmy, I rapidly punch the trees!

SFX: She punches

SKIP
Why? What does the riddle mean?

MCGRATH
I don't know, but punching stuff worked last time.

SFX: She punches. Rolls.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
You take 1 bludgeoning damage.

MCGRATH
Damn.

SKIP
"Leave the forest from the trees..." "Leaf the forest from the trees!" Oh! It's another pun!

MCGRATH
If Skip drops a pun in the forest and everyone hears it, it's just as funny as if nobody heard it.

SKIP
Hey! No, seriously, we need to collect as many leaves as we can. I'll roll a Nature check to collect leaves off these trees.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
You collect 17 fresh leaves.

SKIP
Okay, who has high dexterity?

BOWDEN
I do. From years of practicing my lute. I once dreamed of joining the National Orc Orchestra and-

SKIP
Great. Take the leaves and make a perfect circle with them on the floor. And roll dexterity.

BOWDEN (Rolling)
... a one.

SKIP
Wait! Timmy before you respond - I'll use the Help, action! So you get to roll again, Bowden.

BOWDEN
Splendid! Thank you, Skip!

SFX: Rolls

BOWDEN
A 24!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
An excellent display of teamwork. With a 24, you use the leaves to craft a perfect replica of the ringed forest around you in a little circle on the ground. As you put the finishing touches on the seventeenth leaf, the leaves fuse together and spin in a circle – widening, burrowing – creating a magic hole in the ground!

MCGRATH
As much as I hate to say it... thank goodness you like puns, Skip. Down we go.

SKIP
No time to waste. Everyone?

GLORIA
I guess. Here was go.

SFX: They all jump.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Down, down, down you fall, through total blackness, until --

SFX: Timmy exits

GLORIA
Before we move on, Timmy? I don't understand something on my character sheet, can you come here and take a look...?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Oh. Yes, okay.

SFX: He walks over to the cell. Gloria lunges!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
What! Hey! Those are my dice!

GLORIA
Ha! Now we just wait and see if you become un-hypnotized!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
You... think I hypnotized myself? With my own dice?

GLORIA
Well, Skip thought maybe Duncan...

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
The only thing Lord Land hypnotized me with is friendship! He listened to me! He believed in me! He found me friends to play D&D with!

BOWDEN
But you're keeping people captive as an audience for your own vanity. Like James Cameron with Avatar 2.

MCGRATH
Still think he's a good guy, Skip?

SKIP
I'm not denying he's done bad things. But I know that's not all he is.

GLORIA
Skip, seeing the good in people is wonderful. But it's not always pragmatic. There has to be a line. Some people aren't good.

SKIP
I'm not sure that anybody is truly good or bad, they just make good or bad choices. If we want people to make better choices, we have to give them room to do it. "It's not who I am, but what I do that defines me." Batman.

GLORIA
Skip, we don't have time for this, Duncan is about to-

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Quiet Kovak! You thought lying to me would get you out of here? You're a knave Kovak. You won't walk out on me - I mean, this campaign - so easily!

SFX: A chip being munched.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Takis really are an underrated snack.

MCGRATH
You're not wrong about that.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
The only way out of this cell is to complete my campaign. For that, I need my dice. Kovak?

GLORIA (begrudgingly)
Fine. Here.

SFX: The soundscape changes. An echo-y dripping sound of cavernous caves.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Your freefall magically slows and you land lightly in a square room. Stalagmites grasp up from the linoleum floor along the walls, obscuring the view out small porthole windows: the room appears to be both a cave and the brig of an ocean liner. A large puddle of water lies in the center of the room and a solitary metal door with stands against the far wall.

SKIP
History check:

SFX: He rolls.

SKIP
11. Do I recognize anything?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
The ship aspects of this room seem familiar: you feel as if you've been in a room like this several years ago.

ADMIRAL
Why, if it isn't Skip Granger and his miserable band of do-gooders! Ha ha ha!

GLORIA
The Admiral?!

MCGRATH
You built a D&D campaign around our arch rival?

BOWDEN
It does tap perfectly into our backstory!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
The top half of the Admiral rises from the center of the pool with a splash! He wields a cutlass and sports a hook on his right hand. Instead of legs, he simply rises from the pool's choppy seawater.

ADMIRAL
Prepare to meet your maker, Extraordinary Missions Force!!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Roll for initiative! Nyeh heh heh!

GLORIA
12

MCGRATH
13

BOWDEN
10

SKIP
2. Aww, okay, I'll go last.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
The Admiral rolls a 1!

SKIP
We can strike first! Okay everyone, let's think about this-

MCGRATH
I throw my throwing knives! 24 to hit!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Your knives pass straight through the Admiral's chest, clanging helplessly on the wall behind him!

ADMIRAL
Foolish mortal with your foolish cutlery: knives hit me like water hits a duck's back! And since you failed to hit, my special ability allows me to take a reaction against you.

SFX: Splash!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
You are overwhelmed by a tsunami! 42 damage!

ADMIRAL
Quack quack, Mac the Dagger!

MCGRATH
42 damage?! Damn, I'm down to 1 hit point! I need someone to heal me!

SKIP
Bowden, do you have any healing spells?

BOWDEN
Daniel sees the blood on Mac the Dagger - a flashback ripples through his mind! Long nights of studying the healing arts at the medical university, before he dropped out to pursue a career as bard. Endless scrolls about healing-

MCGRATH
Bowden, I'm dying!

SKIP
Gloria what about you- Gloria why are you trying to pick the lock??

GLORIA
I should have tried ages ago! We're on a deadline here, this isn't the time to be playing tabletop games, we have to treat this like a mission because it is!

SKIP
But the mission IS to play tabletop games!

MCGRATH
Guys, Mac the Dagger is still bleeding out over here.

BOWDEN
I checked my inventory and... nothing. Sorry, I thought Daniel Night-Lewis at least had a few potions.

MCGRATH
So you're just gonna let me die?

BOWDEN
You're the one who barreled into a Sea God with no strategy!

ADMIRAL
No need for me to swing my cutlass at you when you're defeating yourselves! I use Vicious Mockery, dealing...

SFX: Dice roll

ADMIRAL
39 psychic damage to the rest of you!

BOWDEN
...I'm down to six hit points.

SKIP
I'm down to seven.

GLORIA
Three for me.

SKIP
If someone had played a cleric or a druid-

GLORIA
What does it matter, Skip?

SKIP
Because D&D is about the group. Everyone has their role to play where they support each other - Mac the Dagger is dying because we don't have a healer. D&D isn't always about the damage you do, but the damage you survive working together.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
It's true. If you're not surviving, you're not working together.

SKIP
A good DM gives the players every chance to do that. Making D&D about the group is something I need to take back to our game. Timmy's been giving us chances all along, because Timmy's a good DM. A great one.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Shucks. I just want to hang out with everyone, you know? Agent Granger? Why do you DM?

SKIP
The same reason you do. I just want to share something I love with the people I love. But we're too busy fighting to have a good time. We don't have a healer, so the only thing our characters do is attack and trick people! When you play that way, everyone ends up depleted and dead.

GLORIA
...oh... I get it.

SKIP
You do?

GLORIA
Timmy? I hug the Admiral.

SKIP
What???

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
I- what? Wait...

SFX: Flips through his papers

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
There's no contingency for this! What are you up to?

GLORIA
I want the Admiral to understand that it's good to want friends. You just need real friends who lift you up and help you when you're down... instead of unleashing pumas. Once you find them, you're unstoppable. And I know it can be hard to tell people what you need but it's not as hard as being alone... Would that be a charisma check?

SKIP
I hug the Admiral too.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
No, wait a second, that's not-

BOWDEN
This is getting very trope-y, but... I hug him also.

MCGRATH
Oh what the hell, I join the cuddle puddle too.

SFX: Gloria rolls.

GLORIA
A 10.

SKIP
Well Timmy. You're the Dungeon Master. It's completely your call what happens. But you're a great Dungeon Master and is this a great campaign... so I trust you.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
...A single tear falls from the Admiral's eye!

ADMIRAL
Unhand me, you scoundrels!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
The Admiral begins to weep. Torrents of water gush from his eyes as he weeps pitifully in your embrace. The pool of water underneath him wells up through his aquatic body and twin torrents of saltwater tears cascade across the room, evaporating right before your eyes, draining the Admiral dry!

ADMIRAL
I'm drying! Drying! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who would have thought a good little party like you could destroy my beautiful sogginess! I'm drying!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
And with that, the Admiral is no more: what was once a pool of seawater is now a spotless floor. The metal door across the room swings open, beckoning you through.

SFX: A metal door opens. End the D&D sound scape.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
As does this metal door.

GLORIA
It worked! Skip! That felt so good! Oh my god, we totally showed that fake Admiral who's boss! Oh, I totally get D&D now!

SKIP
Thanks Timmy. For giving us a chance.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
That's what friends do, Master Agent Granger. This... was the best game of D&D I've ever played.

SKIP
Me too Timmy. But I'm worried it's too late to stop Duncan now.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Too late? What kind of talk is that, Master Agent Granger?

SKIP
You'll help us?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Of course! What are friends for?

MCGRATH
Well, Duncan had a massive head start. He should be getting to the shipyard any moment now. How are we gonna catch him?

GLORIA
Actually, I have an idea... remember that sheep seminar I took?

INT. TOWN SQUARE - LATER

SFX: Tons of sheep bleating. Gloria sheep wrangling.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
So... she actually took a sheep wrangling seminar?

SKIP
Of course! Gloria is always honest about her supplemental education.

BOWDEN (swoon)
She really is something.

SFX: Footsteps, hoof steps, and some minor bleats.

EXT. DOCK YARD - LATER

SFX: The sounds of gentle waves and seagulls.

DOCK WORKER
You want all these boxes to go out?

DUNCAN
Aye, and get them out as soon as you can. They must arrive quickly-

SFX: The sheep rocket in and trample into Duncan! Gloria tackles Duncan and wrestles him into submission.

GLORIA
Got him!

SKIP
Your scheme is over Duncan!

BOWDEN
Looks like this time you'll be the one behind bars!

DUNCAN
Wha- you got out? But how-?

SFX: Timmy yahoos!

DUNCAN
Timmy?! You let them out? I should have known a child obsessed with a stupid game couldn't follow instruc-

SFX: Timmy wallops Duncan. And wallops him again! And wallops him again! And again!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
D&D is NOT stupid! Take 4 bludgeoning damage! Take 3 bludgeoning damage. And a critical hit for 12 bludgeoning damage!

MCGRATH
You tell him Timmy!

SFX: The boat whistles.

ATHENA
Hey! Are you gonna get these boxes loaded up before I have to get persuasive or... what are you guys doing here?

MCGRATH
Athena? You're shipping Duncan's cargo? Why are you always involved in some plot to take over the world?

ATHENA
Hey, I don't know what he's sending. All I know is that money talks and a LOT of money makes Athena a very happy girl.

BOWDEN
I seriously have no idea if she's on our side or not.

ATHENA
And you never will. Is that... Timmy Two-Bit Thompson?

SFX: Timmy laughs.

ATHENA
Didn't I say I'd feed you to my pumas if I ever saw you again?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Well this is awkward.

SFX: TRANSITION

EXT. BUS STATION

SFX: The sound of a bus engine idling. Crowds as they mill about the platform.

SKIP
Well Timmy. This is our bus. We gotta get to the airport.

MCGRATH
Are you sure you don't want to come with us? These bozos pick awful snacks for the plane. You're the only one who gets it.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Thank you, but no. You taught me something today, but there is still much for me to learn ere I return.

SKIP
You will come back at some point, though, right?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
I will return, someday. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon and for the rest of your life.

BOWDEN
Casablanca. Awesome.

SKIP
Good. Because I definitely want to play D&D together again. Maybe I can DM next time. Back in Mellencamp, I gave you my card. I assume you threw it out, so let me give you another -

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
I didn't throw it out. It's here, in my pocket.

SKIP
Good. When you come back, you should use it.

SFX: The bus honks.

GLORIA
Oh! That's us! We gotta go!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Farewell, EMF! Don't think you've seen the last of me, Granger!

SKIP
I hope not, Timmy! Think about what we said! We believe in you!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Back atcha, EMF, you rapscallions!

SFX: The group gets on the bus. Skip dials his phone.

ZELDA
Skip - I assume you took care of things in Scotland?

SKIP
We did Section Chief, though not in the way I expected. Do me a favor and find room for a new internship, if you can. I have a feeling we may need it someday.

MUSIC: END CREDITS

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate producer Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written by Chris & Paige Klaniecki and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as the Mission Voice

Also starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Cuthberta
and Bob Killion as Lord Duncan Land, Security Guy and Jambo

Guest Starring
Eric Perry as Whitmire
Dave Serfass as the Innkeeper
Caden Dowgin as Timmy "Two Bit" Thompson
John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker
and Shannon Perry as Dr. Hermonie Pickle

Did you know that by supporting us on Patreon you roll a natural 20 against hearing ads? For as little as $1 per month, you can hear each episode early and ad-free, with additional perks like monthly bonus audios available at higher levels. Visit www.patreon.com/missionrejected for more details.

This has been a Porch Room Production, copyright 2024 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

INT. MISSION VOICE’S BUNGALOW

SFX: Nighttime sounds. Soft wind blows. The howl of a wolf. Eerie silence.

MISSION VOICE
The air hangs heavier here. Darker. Like death waits around every corner. Sinister buildings line the road like stewards of the underworld, mystery within. But one door hangs ajar. A cool light pours out. I bid you enter.

JAMBO
Wait, this isn’t gonna be a spooky game, is it? I -- I mean, Emile-- gets scared easy.

SFX: Emile angry sounds!

STUDEBAKER
Yeah, we’re still learning how to play. You said this was beginner friendly.

DR. PICKLE
While I’m very excited by a game that’s completely reliant on maps, I just don’t want to come up against any Demon Gods.

MISSION VOICE
I promise. There will be no Demon Gods. Alright, dark street. Open door. What do you do?

SFX: Emile worried sounds!

STUDEBAKER
I’ll cast... uh... Morty McDonald’s Feckless Waffle!

MISSION VOICE
Dr. Studebaker, that’s not a spell.

STUDEBAKER
It’s right here on my spell sheet, see? Mordenkainen’s Faithful Watchdog. That’s what I said, right? Manny McFangle’s Foppish Warthog.

MISSION VOICE
Okay fine. To do what?

STUDEBAKER
Huh. I forget.

DR. PICKLE
Well, now I want a waffle.

JAMBO
Emile says he wants to look in the window of the building.

MISSION VOICE
The room is empty, except for a golden treasure chest.

DR. PICKLE
Treasure!? I go and open it.

MISSION VOICE
Just as you reach the door, you trip an invisible, magic alarm. Bells blare out across the night and you hear a terrifying roar! A dragon swoops down and gnashes its silver fangs, determined to protect it’s treasure.

STUDEBAKER
Okay, well I’ll-

MISSION VOICE
The dragon fireballs you. You’re dead.

JAMBO
Fire? Okay, I pull out my battleaxe-

MISSION VOICE
Fireball. You’re dead.

SFX: Emile chirps, terrified.

MISSION VOICE
Fireball again. You’re dead, Emile. The dragon swoops down and turns its gaze on Pickle the Profane.

DR. PICKLE
It wasn’t my fault!

MISSION VOICE
Yes, it clearly was. Fireball. Well, that’s the whole party down. You each owe me $600 for use of my game pieces, wear and tear on the dice, and instructional fees.

STUDEBAKER
Are you sure this is how D&D works?

MISSION VOICE
Quite sure. Cash or Venmo?

MUSIC: END STINGER