Season Five, Episode Six: “Mr. & Mrs. & Mr. & Mrs. Smith”
Transcript
INT. AIR FORCE ONE - NIGHT
SFX: The plane flies through a turbulent storm. It’s probably not great that the loading hatch is open mid-flight. Various HOSTAGES cringe in terror as a MASKED TERRORIST with a VOCAL MODULATOR paces back-and-forth.
THE TERRORIST
Ladies and gentlemen. We are cruising at twenty thousand feet. It is a long way down to the Pacific Ocean, so I suggest that you do as you are told.
PRESIDENT HENSON
Let my staff and security team go. You can take me!
THE TERRORIST
As you wish, President Henson.
(tosses him a pack)
Put on the parachute. We will discuss the demands of the Val Verde Revolutionary Brotherhood on the way down.
PRESIDENT HENSON
And what happens to my people? You’ve killed the pilot!
THE TERRORIST
That will be the least of their concerns...
(attaches a beeping device to the plane wall)
...when this explosive device detonates in three minutes.
SFX: The passengers scream
PRESIDENT HENSON
You rat bastard!
SFX: The terrorist cocks his gun.
THE TERRORIST
Jump, Mister President, and I will disarm the bomb remotely as we descend.
PRESIDENT HENSON
Okay, I’ll do it. But you won’t get away with this!
CHET (from above)
You already haven’t.
PRESIDENT HENSON
Phillips!?
THE TERRORIST
What -
SFX: Chet DROPS OUT OF THE LUGGAGE COMPARTMENT! He KNOCKS THE TERRORIST UNCONSCIOUS!
NSA ADVISOR
He was hiding in the luggage compartment!
CHIEF OF STAFF
Way to go Mister Vice President!
PRESIDENT HENSON
Phillips! You’re not supposed to be on Air Force One -
CHET
I boarded an hour ago from a stealth aircraft, and took out your hijackers, one by one, Dougie.
PRESIDENT HENSON
I, uh, wish you would call me “Mister President” -
NSA ADVISOR
Mister Vice President, it was an attack by Val Verde!
CHET
Was it? Let’s see who these “terrorists” are, shall we?
SFX: Chet pulls off the mask and vocoder -
CHIEF OF STAFF
Why it’s...Jerry Gruder, from the White House commissary! He’s not Val Verdan, is he?
CHET
No, he’s a paid shill for a false flag operation...set in motion by President Douglas Henson!
SFX: The passengers gasp!
PRESIDENT HENSON
He’s lying!
CHET
You were gonna parachute out of here before blowing up the plane, getting rescued, and starting a war that would make you and your buddies rich. You’re under arrest, Dougie.
PRESIDENT HENSON
Get away from me!
SFX: Henson picks up the GUN!
CHIEF OF STAFF
He’s got the gun!
CHET
Not so fast!
SFX: Chet and Henson begin TRADING BLOWS! A FIGHT TO THE DEATH!
PRESIDENT HENSON (punching)
This is why...the Vice President...never flies...with the President!
CHET (punching back)
That is not...a law...merely a protocol...that is occasionally...broken!
SFX: On “broken” Chet SNAPS HENSON’S ARM! Chet cries out in pain and falls back!
PRESIDENT HENSON
My arm! Everyone get back!
SFX: Everyone gasps as Henson cocks the gun.
CHET
You can’t run, Dougie!
PRESIDENT HENSON
I can jump! I’ve got the only parachute, and that bomb is undiffusable! You can’t stop it from blowing up this plane in thirty seconds! In an hour, you’ll all be at the bottom of the ocean, and I will have my war!
CHET
You want a war?
SFX: Chet JUMPS! They fight! Chet RIPS the bomb off the wall!
CHET
Bombs away.
PRESIDENT HENSON
AAHH NO FAIR! You put down my shirt! GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!
SFX: Chet punches the gun out of the President’s hand! He grabs him by the collar as the bomb beeps!
CHET
Mister President...get off your plane.
SFX: Chet THROWS THE PRESIDENT OUT OF THE CARGO BAY! The President SCREAMS AS HE FALLS...and far below, we hear an EXPLOSION The hostages CHEER!
CHIEF OF STAFF
Mister Vice President...you saved us!
CHET
Henson was pulling the strings all along.
CHIEF OF STAFF
We’ll have you release a statement once we get back to the White House for your swearing in.
CHET
Right. Wait what? What swearing in?
CHIEF OF STAFF
For the presidency, sir. President Henson is dead. You are now President of the United States of America.
CHET
.......oh fffffffffff
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents - the backups. Tonight’s episode: Mr And Mrs And Mr And Mrs Smith.
EXT. COURT HOUSE STEPS - MORNING
SFX: Pigeons coo.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
...and so, by the power vested in me, out here on the court steps because we didn’t even want to take the time to go inside -
GLORIA
Your honor?
BOWDEN
We have a plane to catch.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
I mean the vestibule does have some lovely flying buttresses -
MACKENZIE
Wrap it up, man.
SKIP
I like big buttress.
ZELDA
Shush, Skip.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
Very well...I now pronounce you, Bowden Alistair Montcrief and Gloria Liberty Kovak, husband and wife.
MACKENZIE
KISS DAMMIT!
GLORIA
Don’t have to tell me twice!
SFX: They kiss! Skip, Mackenzie, Zelda and Pat cheer!
SKIP
Ohhhh I always cry! How can you not be crying, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Their middle names are burrowing into my brain like Star Trek worms.
PAT (to Zelda, privately)
Remember when we were that young?
ZELDA (privately back)
Don’t remind me. I had a mohawk.
PAT
Nothing’s stopping you from growing another one.
ZELDA
My dignity is.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
All right, I’ll file this license, here’s your receipt, and everything’s nice and legal.
SKIP
Oh, I’m crying again!
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
Enjoy these complimentary peppermints I found in my pocket as my gift to you. Good day, folks! Congratulations!
SFX: The Justice goes off.
GLORIA
All right! We’ll have to rush to make our flight.
BOWDEN
Ha ha! Don’t call us for the next two weeks, Zelda. You won’t reach us.
ZELDA
I’ll try my best.
GLORIA
He means, literally. I’ve engaged ghost protocols so that no surveillance agency on Earth will be able to find us.
ZELDA
Uhhh.
GLORIA
We’ll miss you all so much!
BOWDEN
We love you!
SKIP
We love you too!
GLORIA
Bring it in!
SFX: They all hug.
GLORIA
Okay, we’re off!
PAT
Alright, bon voyage, you two!
BOWDEN
No no, that’s for boats, we’re flying.
GLORIA
There was no way on Earth we were getting on another cruise ship.
ZELDA
Smart.
MACKENZIE
Hang on, guys...here’s your wedding present. Open it now.
GLORIA
Oh thank you!
SFX: Gloria begins to open it.
BOWDEN
Classic envelope. I love your non-sentimental style, McGrath -
GLORIA
OH MY GOD.
BOWDEN
Holy shit!
MACKENZIE
Just take it.
GLORIA
I mean if you’re sure -
MACKENZIE
Get the hell out of the country before I change my mind.
BOWDEN
McGrath I...
SFX: Bowden plants a giant smooch on her.
GLORIA
Me too!
SFX: Smooch.
MACKENZIE
Okay gross just go!
GLORIA AND BOWDEN
Goodbye! Goodbye! We love you!
SFX: They run off. Zelda and Pat continue to wave them off.
SKIP
Wow! McGrath...what did you give them?
MACKENZIE
A free coupon to get out of your office spring cleaning this year.
SKIP
WHAT? YOU MEAN -
MACKENZIE
Yeah...let’s go get started.
SKIP
OHHH! I’m crying again!
TRANSITION MUSIC.
EXT. SICILY - STREET OVERLOOKING THE SEA - DAY
SFX: The gentle wash of the Mediterranean Sea.
GLORIA
Oh what an amazing day to stroll down a cobblestone street looking out over the Mediterranean!
BOWDEN
Sicily is lovely this time of year. I knew I should have taken up Stanley Tucci’s offer to join him on his show making calzones.
GLORIA
Yeah, an old friend rented a villa around here - said it was a perfect getaway spot.
BOWDEN
We should look them up!
GLORIA
Uh, no, they’re...they wouldn’t like company turning up unannounced.
(sighs)
Wow. I’m just so happy to be here with you Bo, I...everything’s perfect.
BOWDEN
Hey...look at that gorgeous couple in the yellow sun dress and the brushed summer flannel.
GLORIA
Oh Bo. Are you looking at our selfies again?
BOWDEN
No, I mean...there’s literally a couple down the street wearing the exact same outfits we are.
GLORIA
Oh.
(looks)
Yeah. That’s...improbable.
BOWDEN
Yes, almost...suspiciously improbable.
GLORIA
No. No. We’re on our honeymoon.
BOWDEN
That’s right. We’re not getting entangled in any mystery.
GLORIA
Right. Gelato?
BOWDEN
Let’s do it.
SFX: They start walking.
GLORIA
I think they’re following us.
BOWDEN
I’m...sure they’re just getting gelato too.
GLORIA
Right. We’ll ignore them!
BOWDEN
If we don’t look, they don’t exist.
GLORIA
Let’s ignore them down this dark alley!
SFX: They do. Footsteps go by. Bowden and Gloria are breathing fast, near each other.
BOWDEN
There. We lost them.
GLORIA
Good. They couldn’t ensnare us into some sort of exciting adventure.
BOWDEN
Absolutely not.
SFX: Their breath quickens a little.
GLORIA
We should go get gelato now.
BOWDEN
I can’t wait.
SFX: Breathing.
GLORIA
You know...Mister Montcrief...
BOWDEN
Yes...Agent Kovak?
GLORIA
Do you...want to go on a little exciting adventure with me?
BOWDEN
A little adventure to investigate a mysterious couple?
GLORIA
Mmmhmmm.
BOWDEN
It might be dangerous.
GLORIA
It might be.
BOWDEN
Sounds like a fun honeymoon.
GLORIA (smooches him)
Let’s go.
SFX: They run through the alleyways.
BOWDEN
This could be nothing, you know.
GLORIA
The we’ll have a laugh with an Italian couple and make some new friends.
BOWDEN
There they go!
GLORIA
Quick, through this alley!
SFX: They run, laughing a little.
BOWDEN
Oh, Detective.
GLORIA
My action star.
SFX: Suddenly, nearby, a GUNSHOT! A BANK ALARM RINGS! They stop short.
GLORIA
That’s the sound of a bank being robbed!
BOWDEN
Do you bank alarms sound different than other alarms?
GLORIA
This way!
SFX: They run!
BOWDEN
I don’t want to ruin the mood -
GLORIA
I already know what you’re going to say.
BOWDEN
Really?
GLORIA
“Honeymoon bank robbery” would be the perfect high-concept pitch for Justin Lin.
BOWDEN
You are the sexiest woman alive.
GLORIA
There they go! Let’s go!
SFX: They chase, and stop short in an alleyway.
BOWDEN
Where’d they go?
GLORIA
Bowden look!
BOWDEN
What the...
(picks up a bag)
...did they just abandon the money?
GLORIA (picking something up)
And their gun.
BOWDEN
There’s not much here, maybe a couple hundred lira - whoa, what kind of gun is that?
GLORIA
It’s a spring-loaded sleeve gun! A modified derringer! Look at that!
BOWDEN
You mean...you hide it up your sleeve and it springs into your hand like John Wick and blow your nemesis’s head off?
GLORIA
Well, maybe in the movies. For this contraption to work you need a gun this small. At anything but point-blank range this is as powerful as a stapler.
BOWDEN
Oh. Well that’s disappointing.
SFX: A mechanical SNAP! Gloria GASPS!
BOWDEN
Gloria, what’s wrong?!?
GLORIA
The sleeve grip snapped over my forearm! I can’t get it off!
BOWDEN
Can you drop the gun, at least?
GLORIA
No!
BOWDEN
You not going to be able to use your hand.
GLORIA
That’s the least of our problems - this was the gun that was used to commit that robbery!
BOWDEN
Oh no. And we’re wearing the same outfits -
SFX: SIRENS IN THE ALLEY!
ISPETTORE FORTUNATO
Fermatavi! Manos in alto!
GLORIA
Oh jeez!
ISPETTORE FORTUNATO
Drop the gun, signorina!
GLORIA
I can’t!
BOWDEN
It’s attached to her wrist!
ISPETTORE FORTUNATO
Drop the gun or we must shoot!
GLORIA
Through the window, honey!
BOWDEN
I’m with you, darling!
SFX: They JUMP! Scampering footsteps!
GLORIA
Okay, now I’m thinking maybe we should have gone for gelato.
BOWDEN
I know a great place in Switzerland. Let’s go.
GLORIA
Right behind you -
ISPETTORE FORTUNATO
Stop, please!
SFX: The Ispettore cocks his gun, right next to them.
BOWDEN
We’re stopped!
GLORIA
Ispettore, this is a misunderstanding.
BOWDEN
My name is Kevin Smith, and this is my wife Jennifer -
ISPETTORE FORTUNATO
I know who you are, Mister Montcrief. I have seen L'amore spiacevole.
BOWDEN
Oh, Italy. My biggest fanbase.
ISPETTORE FORTUNATO
Drop your weapon, Mrs. Montcrief.
GLORIA
Excuse me, I am keeping my maiden NAME!
SFX: She strikes the Ispettore with the derringer and disarms him! She gets him in a half-nelson!
RADIO
Ispettore Fortunato? Ci sei?
GLORIA
Oh no, they’re looking for him!
BOWDEN
I’m on it!
RADIO
Ispettore Fortunato?
BOWDEN (AS FORTUNATO)
Fortunado here. Suspects seen fleeing to the marina.
RADIO
Molto bene.
SFX: Static burst.
ISPETTORE FORTUNATO
You are making this worse for yourselves!
GLORIA
I’m sorry Ispettore. Take a rest...
SFX: She sleeper holds him into gentle unconsciousness, and lays him down on the floor.
BOWDEN
Now what?
GLORIA
Well, we’re wanted for bank robbery, we’ve assaulted a police inspector, and we’ve purposefully cut off our backup.
BOWDEN
So...Switzerland?
GLORIA
Switzerland sounds great.
SFX: They run and open the door. GASPS!
GLORIA
Bowden it’s them!
BOWDEN
Who are you -
SFX: They are SPRAYED with CHEMICALS! They COUGH!
GLORIA
It’s chloroform gas…
BOWDEN
Gloria...
SFX: They pass out. Weird distorted voices follow them down into darkness.
THE WOMAN
Sleep now, children.
THE MAN
You’ll need your rest...
TRANSITION MUSIC.
INT. EMF CONFERENCE ROOM
SFX: Bloops and bleeps of the EMF computers.
SKIP
And now my favorite part of any spring cleaning - ensuring that all reports have been filed in triplicate! How far should we go back? At least a year, right?
SFX: THUMP of reports hitting the table.
MACKENZIE
Oh, dare to dream, Skip.
SKIP
You’re right...three years!
SFX: THUMP TUMP!
MACKENZIE
Why do I even open my mouth? Look, maybe we should get something to eat...
SFX: Skip opens a random file.
SKIP
Ah, mission 3-1-0! So many expenses. So many memories. Ok, copy one for the lead agent’s files - check. Copy two for the Section Chief - check. And copy three for the official record - check!
MACKENZIE
Woah woah woah.
SKIP
I know, it’s incredibly thrilling.
MACKENZIE
No. Back up the truck. Why would our TOP SECRET organization have an official record? If the agent has a copy and Zelda has a copy...who else needs a copy?
SKIP
The Secretary of Defense?
MACKENZIE
Chet was not reading these.
SKIP
Well, before Chet was Secretary Whitmire...
MACKENZIE
I’m not sure Whitmire can read, period.
SKIP
Regardless of the recent state of our leadership, it is nevertheless important that we maintain proper records for posterity, reference, and government oversight! (Skip pauses as something catches his eye.)
Huh.
MACKENZIE
Something wrong?
SKIP
No, it’s nothing. I just never noticed that this form has a secondary designation. It’s very tiny, but looks like...OG-468.
MACKENZIE
“Dear Diary, my heart raced as I found a whole new category of bureaucracy...” Come on, Skip, I am STARVING.
SKIP
We’ve only checked one file!
MACKENZIE
You know I can’t work an empty stomach and there’s that new place downtown I want to try - The Hangry Hobo. He’s HANGRY! Just like me.
SKIP
It’s just that I feel like I’ve seen this form number before. I just can’t place it.
MACKENZIE
You’ll think better on a full stomach. They have waffles...
SKIP
Alright, alright. But I’m bringing some files with me. We can work while we eat!
MACKENZIE
Great! I’m gonna call Zelda, see if she wants in. What’s her extension again?
SKIP
64468. Really, McGrath, how long have you worked here?
MACKENZIE
I don’t use the phone.
SFX: McGrath picks up an office phone and goes to dial.
MACKENZIE
Huh.
SKIP
Do you not know how to use a phone?
MACKENZIE
No, smart ass. It’s just...no, it’s nothing.
SKIP
What?
MACKENZIE
This is going to sound crazy...but you know how the numbers on a phone can also be letters?
SKIP
Without it, we’d never have had DIAL-A-MUPPET!
MACKENZIE
Well, a six and also be an “O” and a four can also be a “G”. Which would make Zelda’s number...
SKIP
OG-468!!
MACKENZIE
I mean...that’s a hell of a coincidence.
SKIP
More than coincidence. It’s unbelievable. McGrath, do you know what this means?
MACKENZIE
No. Do you?
SKIP
...No.
MACKENZIE (Laughing)
Wow. How hungry are we?
SKIP (Laughing)
Starving. Call the Section Chief.
MACKENZIE
Okay.
SFX: Dialing. Ring ring. Zelda picks up.
ZELDA (ON PHONE)
What?
MACKENZIE
Waffles.
ZELDA (ON PHONE)
I’ll drive.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. METAL SHACK - NO DEFINITE TIME
SFX: Bowden rouses from unconsciousness.
BOWDEN
Ughhh my head
GLORIA
Bo! Easy does it -
BOWDEN
The room is spinning. And disturbingly spare and made of steel.
GLORIA
I woke up a few minutes ago. There’s a TV that won’t turn on, one door that won’t open, and two water bottles with tops that won’t unscrew.
BOWDEN
What’s this metal bracelet on my wrist?
GLORIA
I’ve got one too. It looks like a radio tracker.
BOWDEN
You’ve still got that gun strapped to your other arm?
GLORIA
Yes...and it’s been reloaded.
BOWDEN
What? How many shots?
GLORIA
Two.
SFX: A crackle of static and terrible feedback.
BOWDEN
Gah, it’s the bracelets!
THE MAN (DISTORTED, COMMS)
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
GLORIA
Can you hear us?
THE WOMAN (DISTORTED, COMMS)
We can.
SFX: The TV flickers to life!
THE MAN (COMMS)
On the screen, you will see a map of our secluded island. The green dot represents you...
THE WOMAN (COMMS)
...and the red dot represents us.
BOWDEN
And who are you?
GLORIA
Yes, identify yourselves!
THE WOMAN (COMMS)
Oh, haven’t you figured it out, Detectives?
THE MAN (COMMS)
We’re merely a couple, honeymooning in Sicily...
THE WOMAN (COMMS)
...in a yellow sundress and a dapper suit...
THE MAN (COMMS)
...who committed an armed robbery and are now fugitives from the law.
THE WOMAN (COMMS)
In other words...we are you.
BOWDEN
Why are you trying to destroy us?
GLORIA
I think I know.
BOWDEN
You do?
GLORIA
We’ve been dealing with a surge in weapons trafficking this past year.
BOWDEN
Right...Athena’s alpacas, the Cuban stash -
GLORIA
All the signs pointed to a new player, a big buyer -
(bringing up the derringer)
- someone who deals in niche weapons like this one!
THE WOMAN (COMMS)
Well deduced, Detective.
GLORIA
But this seems like a convoluted payback for spoiling your deals!
THE MAN (COMMS)
Oh, I’m afraid our history with you two runs deeper than a few business transactions.
THE WOMAN (COMMS)
Your meddling has earned you...a special place in hell.
GLORIA
This isn’t good, Bo.
BOWDEN
No...although it’s a solid Hitchcock premise.
THE MAN (COMMS)
I prefer Ernest B. Schoedsack, 1932.
BOWDEN
Oh no.
GLORIA
Sweetie will you hate me if I don’t know who Ernest B. Schoedsack is?
BOWDEN
Classic film director. He did King Kong, Mighty Joe Young, and in 1932...The Most Dangerous Game.
GLORIA
Wait - the movie about the big game hunter who hunts...oh crap.
SFX: An electronic countdown begins bussing.
BOWDEN
Whoever you are, you’ll never get away with this!
THE MAN (COMMS)
Why not? The authorities will assume you’ve disappeared with your ill-gotten booty.
GLORIA
We refuse to be hunted down like animals!
BOWDEN
We refuse to even be hunted down like American tourists in Barcelona!
THE WOMAN (COMMS)
We’ve given you another option.
THE MAN (COMMS)
Romeo and Juliet, you might say?
BOWDEN
What...oh come on.
GLORIA
You think we’re going to do a murder/suicide pact with this pea-shooter?
THE MAN (COMMS)
Then I’d suppose your better...run!
SFX: The countdown ends! BLAPP, and the door opens!
GLORIA
Come on, Bo!
BOWDEN
Right behind you, darling!
SFX: They run into...
EXT. THE ISLAND JUNGLE - DAY
GLORIA
Ugh, it’s bright!
BOWDEN
Can’t see!
SFX: BEEP BEEP BEEP.
BOWDEN
What’s that?
GLORIA
The bracelets! Probably activating trackers so they can find us!
BOWDEN
So how do we find them?
SFX: B-B-B-B-BANG! Rounds WHIZZ BY THEIR HEADS!
GLORIA
I think we found them.
BOWDEN
Go go go!
SFX: They hustle through the underbrush and splash down a bank into a stream.
GLORIA
All right, here’s the plan -
BOWDEN
Wait, they’re listening through the bracelets!
GLORIA
Oh no! And we’ve got no way to jam them!
BOWDEN
Rub the microphone like this. This is how they lost the entire first take of the Breaking Bad pilot.
SFX: They rub their bracelets vigorously.
GLORIA
Okay. We follow the stream to the sea, start swimming and take our chances.
BOWDEN
Can’t you take these two maniacs?
SFX: BANG WHIZZ! The bullets cut through the foliage!
GLORIA
Not likely! Run!
SFX: They run again.
BOWDEN
Gloria, here, a cave!
GLORIA
Right on your tail!
SFX: They dive inside and breathe heavily.
BOWDEN
I was going to make a comment about my tail but I feel a little of the sexiness has gone out of this honeymoon.
GLORIA
This will give us cover but they’re going to track us right to this location.
BOWDEN
How far away are they?
SFX: They listen: a distant motor, growing closer.
BOWDEN (whispering)
They’ve got some kind of vehicle.
GLORIA (whispering)
It’s over a mile away from the sound of it.
BOWDEN
They were targeting us from that distance?
GLORIA
That means an autogun with world-class sniper rifle accuracy.
BOWDEN
This couple has enough high tech to make the Zuckerburgs look like the Flintstones.
GLORIA
Right. We’ll split up, follow the stream, and -
BOWDEN
Split up?
GLORIA
They’ll have to choose a target.
BOWDEN
Gloria. That may be the tactically correct option. I’m staying with you.
GLORIA
But -
BOWDEN
Till death do us part.
SFX: Beat. She kisses him.
GLORIA
Run.
SFX: They run! The vehicle engine gets closer!
BOWDEN
Gloria, listen! The ocean!
GLORIA
This way!
SFX: They push through the foliage and...come out on a steep cliff overlooking the ocean!
BOWDEN
Whoa!
GLORIA
Look out!
SFX: They look down.
BOWDEN
Aw crap.
GLORIA
That’s two hundred feet down.
BOWDEN
And we’d definitely hit those rocks.
GLORIA
...not if we get a running start. C’mon!
BOWDEN
You’re sure?
GLORIA
There’s definitely a very small chance we’ll almost maybe survive!
BOWDEN
I like those odds.
GLORIA
Start from here. Run as fast as you ever have, and jump.
BOWDEN
I love you.
GLORIA
I love you. On three. One, two -
SFX: A NEARBY EXPLOSION KNOCKS THEM TO THE GROUND!
BOWDEN
Ugh...Gloria...
GLORIA
...Bo...are you okay?
THE MAN (OVER A BULLHORN)
What an abysmal performance.
THE WOMAN (OVER A BULLHORN)
Time to pay for your sins, children.
SFX: The armed vehicle sprays rocky gravel everywhere as it rolls to a stop nearby.
GLORIA
Wait a minute...
BOWDEN (dusting himself off)
All right, show yourselves! Come out of your...fancy...tank? Jeep?
GLORIA
ATV.
BOWDEN
That!
GLORIA
Bowden.
BOWDEN
What?
GLORIA
I think I know who this weapons dealer is.
THE WOMAN (OVER A BULLHORN)
Let’s hear it, Detective.
GLORIA
“Circle of hell”? “Pay for your sins”? Calling us ”children”? Come out, Mother Innocent!
BOWDEN
MOTHER INNOCENT? That gun-obsessed nun?
SFX: The door opens, and out steps...
MOTHER INNOCENT (THE WOMAN)
Very good, Ms. Kovak!
BOWDEN
Oh Jesus!
(hit with a ruler)
Ow! Seriously you’ve got an assault rifle pointed at my face and you STILL go with the ruler!
MOTHER INNOCENT
Old ways are the best ways...
(cocking the rifle)
...although modern ways have their charms.
GLORIA
But who’s your partner in the ATV?
BOWDEN
No!
GLORIA
What?
BOWDEN
It couldn’t be -
GLORIA
Oh….
BOWDEN
The theatrics? “An abysmal performance”? The references to classic movies?
BALTHAZAR
Surprise, mon frere!
GLORIA
Oh no. BALTHAZAR?
BALTHAZAR
Yes, Ms. Kovak! It is I, your new big brother-in-law, Balthazar Maximus Montcrief!
BOWDEN
How did you hook up with Innocent?
BALTHAZAR
Using my charm, style, and raw sexual charisma.
BOWDEN
Wait, augggh, gross, you two ARE AN ITEM?
BALTHAZAR
Scandalous, isn’t it? But I always had a thing for a women in uniform.
GLORIA
Mother Innocent, you’re a nun! Isn’t that...a little ...blasphemous?
MOTHER INNOCENT
If those old men running my ex-religion could engage in a little sacrilege, why shouldn’t I?
BALTHAZAR
Hot damn!
SFX: She hits Balthazar somewhere sensitive with a ruler.
MOTHER INNOCENT
Watch your mouth!
BALTHAZAR (in pain)
Oooh I enjoyed that far too much.
(recovering)
Yes, our love burns fiercely...with our mutual hatred of you two!
MOTHER INNOCENT
Thought I suppose -
(she SHOOTS OFF A BURST)
- we’ll soon have to find something else in common.
BALTHAZAR (grossly sexual)
Imagine the possibilities.
MOTHER INNOCENT
Get off me.
BALTHAZAR
With pleasure, my sweet.
GLORIA
You know what, now I see it.
BOWDEN
Yeah, they were made for each other.
MOTHER INNOCENT
Enough! Any final words?
BALTHAZAR
Before your curtain call?
GLORIA
Yes. Bo?
BOWDEN
My love?
GLORIA
Jump.
SFX: They turn and RUN!
MOTHER INNOCENT
OH NO YOU DON’T!
SFX: They JUMP! Mother Innocent FIRES! They SPLASH DOWN IN THE SEA TWO HUNDRED FEET BELOW!
BALTHAZAR
Curses!
MOTHER INNOCENT
You let them get away!
BALTHAZAR
I? That thing fires two hundred bullets a minute, you couldn’t hit them with one?
MOTHER INNOCENT
How dare you speak to me like that!
BALTHAZAR (suddenly soft)
You’re right, mi amore.
MOTHER INNOCENT
That’s better.
BALTHAZAR
I throw a thousand pardons at your breast like roses.
MOTHER INNOCENT
Kiss my boot and I’ll consider it.
BALTHAZAR
Forget the boot, I’ll kiss each toe!
SFX: A moment of gigglingly weird smooches you wish you’d never heard.
MOTHER INNOCENT
All right all right enough of this hanky panky.
BALTHAZAR
Yes! We can still track their bracelets. To the jet skis!
TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. THE HANGRY HOBO - LUNCH TIME
SFX: Typical diner sounds. FLO THE WAITRESS approaches.
FLO THE WAITRESS
Welcome to the Hangry Hobo. My name is Flo, how can I make you hangry today?
MACKENZIE
Flo, we’re already there. Three to dine in, please.
FLO THE WAITRESS
Counter okay?
ZELDA
If we could have a booth, my back is -
FLO THE WAITRESS
Gonna be a wait for a booth, honey buns.
MACKENZIE
The counter is great GREAT.
FLO THE WAITRESS
Seat yourselves. Menus are by the ketchup.
SKIP
I think Flo could stand a few lessons in hospitality.
MACKENZIE
Oh, come on, it’s all part of the Hangry Hobo experience. I read on Yelp that if you ask her about the specials, she’ll put her cigarette out in your meatloaf.
ZELDA
I’m leaving.
MACKENZIE
It’s like a secret menu item!
SKIP
McGrath is joking. She’s joking. Right?
MACKENZIE
Uh...sure. Let’s say that.
SFX: They sit and grab menus. Flo comes back.
FLO THE WAITRESS
Coffee?
SKIP/ZELDA
Yes, please!
MACKENZIE
You bet.
SFX: Flor starts pouring.
FLO THE WAITRESS
You wanna hear the specials?
ZELDA
NO. I will have the buttermilk waffles with pecans. Side of ham.
FLO THE WAITRESS
Potatoes?
ZELDA
Latkes.
MACKENZIE
Flo, I’m gonna do the full Hangry Hoedown - strawberries on the waffles, chocolate chips on the pancakes, eggs over easy, bacon extra crispy and hashbrowns covered, smothered, scattered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, and topped.
FLO THE WAITRESS
Whipped cream?
MACKENZIE
Over everything, yes.
FLO THE WAITRESS
And for you, sir?
ZELDA
Skip...
SKIP
Oh! Sorry, it’s just...never mind...I’ll have the deep fried Monte Cristo sandwich, extra ham, extra cheese, extra powder sugar, extra syrup.
FLO THE WAITRESS
Fries?
SKIP
Side salad. Trying to watch my waist line.
FLO THE WAITRESS
Clearly.
SKIP
Oh! And tater tots. Thank you.
FLO THE WAITRESS
I’ll get that right out.
SFX: Flo moves off.
MACKENZIE
Get this guy, Zelda! Tater tots when you could have hashbrowns!
SKIP (Distracted, his eyes still on the menu)
Well, what are tater tots if not hashbrowns in pill form?
ZELDA
Skip, why are you staring at the menu? Do you regret your order?
SKIP
No, it’s just...have you noticed the section headings? Omelets. Granolas. Oatmeals. Gaspactos. Onigiri. Gato Gatos. O, G, O, G.
ZELDA
Huh?
MACKENZIE
Oh boy. Sorry, Z, I think “coffee Skip” has gone a little...Cassandra Helsinki.
ZELDA
Seeing things that aren’t there?
SKIP
I am not! Cassandra mistook... ordinary signs for patterns... growing increasingly agitated okay maybe you have a point.
MACKENZIE
Hey, Flo? Could we switch my friend here off of coffee to some juice? Maybe some orange juice?
FLO THE WAITRESS
Sorry, doll face, all out of OJ. Delivery truck never showed. Best I can do is OG.
SKIP
WHAT?
FLO THE WAITRESS
Orange-Grape. Tastes like paint thinner to me, but the kids love it.
MACKENZIE
Just water thanks.
FLO THE WAITRESS
Suit yourself.
MACKENZIE
Hey, Skipper, look! The placemats have trivia questions on them! We can play Hobo Trivial Pursuit! You love games.
SKIP
Well...okay. Yes. That would be fun. Fire away!
MACKENZIE
Okay, let’s see...
(She reads the placemat till she finds a good question.)
Here we go! “The brother of an Oscar winning actor, this comedian starred in the 2023 romantic comedy, Holiday in the Vineyards.”
ZELDA
Oh, I know this one! Pat’s dirty little secret is her love of terrible Christmas movies. The answer is Omar Gooding.
SKIP
(Horrified warble)
ZELDA
My turn to ask.
(Scans for question.)
Ah! “This former mayor of Las Vegas guest starred as himself in multiple episodes of the CSI franchise.”
MACKENZIE
Well now my binging habits pay off! Oh, what’s his name? It’s on the tip of my tongue...Oscar Goodman!
SKIP (Spits out his water.)
O.G!
ZELDA
“This garbage loving Muppet -”
SKIP
OSCAR the GROUCH! O.G. O.G.!
ZELDA
You should have let me finish the question. The answer we were looking for was the Trash Heap.
MACKENZIE
Fraggles. Damn. See, Skip, not everything is an O.G. O.K.?
SFX: World famous voice artist BOB KILLION approaches the counter. Despite his fame, he still has to have a side gig as a delivery driver. Sad.
BOB KILLION
Excuse me, I’m picking up an order to go.
FLO THE WAITRESS
Name?
BOB KILLION
Bob.
FLO THE WAITRESS
Hmm...I don’t see it, love. Unless...was it through one of those delivery apps?
BOB KILLION
Yes.
FLO THE WAITRESS
What is it? UnterEats?
BOB KILLION
No, no. It’s Order Grub.
SKIP
(Screams in abject terror.)
MACKENZIE AND ZELDA
Check please.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
EXT. VILLA - NIGHT
SFX: An intimate soiree at a seaside villa. Good food, good friends. QUINN laughs gaily.
SUZANNAH
Non hai mai fatto niente di simile!
QUINN
Scommetti la tua vita?
MARIA
Quinn? Someone’s at the door, says they’re an old friend? A man and a woman…
QUINN
Did they bring a bottle of wine? We’re out!
SFX: Laughter.
MARIA
She says her name is Splenda?
SFX: Quinn’s laughter dies immediately.
SUZANNAH
Isn’t that the sugar substitute?
MARIA
Do you know these people?
QUINN (brightly)
Yeah...from America.
SUZANNAH (smug)
Ah. Americani.
QUINN (smug back)
Knock it off. Just give me a minute.
SUZANNAH
Get the wine before you send them off!
QUINN
I will!
SFX: Laughing, Quinn goes to the door. As soon as she opens it, she reverts to her familiar, prickly demeanor.
QUINN (quiet)
I should shoot you right now and save myself a lot of trouble.
GLORIA
We didn’t have anywhere else to go.
BOWDEN
Our complements to your interior decorator, though.
QUINN
I told you never to come here. This is my personal life. I keep a steel wall between this and business.
GLORIA
We need a few items, and we’ll be gone.
BOWDEN
Think of it as a wedding present.
QUINN
Wedding? Why are you rubbing your wrists and god why did I ask.
GLORIA
Full disclosure -
(holds up the beeping bracelet as she rubs it)
We’re being traced.
QUINN
So you lead someone straight to my front door?!
GLORIA
We’ll be gone in five minutes.
QUINN
...he stays out here.
BOWDEN
You think I’m more dangerous than her?
QUINN
I think I’m more likely to kill you for opening your mouth.
GLORIA
I’ll be right back, sweetheart.
BOWDEN
I’ll count the seconds.
QUINN
Ugh.
SFX: Quinn leads Gloria in and shuts the door on Bowden.
QUINN
So. Mrs. Montcrief, huh?
GLORIA
It’s still Kovak.
QUINN
Okay.
SFX: They enter the living room.
QUINN
Everyone, this is Schnazzy, an old coworker.
GLORIA
Yes! Quinn taught me everything I know about...
QUINN
Engine repair.
GLORIA
Right! Right.
MARIA
Ciao.
SUZANNAH
Charmed.
QUINN
Schnazzy fell in the ocean with her new husband.
SUZANNAH
Ah, “fell in”. That has a way of happening to newlyweds in Italy.
GLORIA
Not exactly like it happened to us, I’ll bet.
QUINN
I’m gonna get her a change of clothes. We’ll be right back.
SFX: They go downstairs to a laundry room. Quinn opens a cabinet and turns a combination lock.
QUINN
So who’s after you?
GLORIA
Bowden’s brother, a gun-running nun, and Interpol.
QUINN
I didn’t hear any chatter about it.
GLORIA
Yeah...I took us off the grid.
QUINN
And look what happened to you.
SFX: The safe opens.
QUINN
I got clothes, Glocks, some plastique, whatcha want?
GLORIA
Got a hacksaw?
SFX: Gloria draws out the gun latched to her arm.
QUINN
You wanna cut off the hand?
GLORIA
No! The gun and the bracelet!
QUINN
The hacksaw will take care of the bracelt. Not that titanium gun grip. I’ve cased some local smugglers, maybe you could beat them up and make a laser.
GLORIA
Dammit. All right, I’ll take the saw to go, the radios, the cash...and this USB stick.
QUINN
Just the empty thumb drive?
GLORIA
You got a laptop?
QUINN
Yup. Here.
GLORIA
Got a Netflix account?
QUINN
Yes. I’ve got literally everything.
SFX: A few taps on the keyboard.
GLORIA
I need you to upload this onto the stick.
QUINN (laughs a little)
Oh wow. You got a plan, I guess. Gimme a minute, I’ll load it up.
GLORIA
Thanks.
QUINN
So, couldn’t leave work behind, even on your honeymoon?
GLORIA
Uggghhh…I wanted to!
QUINN
Okay, okay, don’t have a stroke about it.
GLORIA
And then like an idiot, I started playing detective and dragged Bowden along with me.
QUINN
Sure. “Dragged him.”
GLORIA
Well, maybe he was having fun. At least until the police got involved. Maybe even then. But I wouldn’t even let him have a big wedding, becuase I knew someone would probably put a suitcase nuke in the cake.
QUINN
Oh, is that why I wasn’t invited?
GLORIA
I have to remember how this job constantly puts this relationship in jeopardy. He almost died in a train explosion! We were brainwashed twice! Cassandra Helsinki tried to cut us off from each other because she thought our relationship would bring about an alien invasion!
QUINN
Wait…what about Cassandra Helsinki?
GLORIA
When you and I were working together - when the Oceanologists took over the world - I tried to get Bowden to work with us, but she blocked our communications! She never admitted it to my face, but -
QUINN
Uh...no. That was...me.
GLORIA
WHAT?!?
QUINN
You were losing focus, the world needed us, and your boyfriend was living in cultist central. I just thought...he wasn’t good for you. And...for what it’s worth...I was wrong. Sorry.
SFX: Aghast silence. Gloria bursts into laughter.
GLORIA
Wow.
QUINN
I mean, it worked out in the end, right?
GLORIA
Wow I hate you so much right now.
QUINN
You got your top job and your true love. So yeah, consider this pile of gear your wedding present. If you live through the night, are we square?
GLORIA
You know, you did let me into your home when I needed it, so...sure.
QUINN
Thanks. And congrats.
GLORIA
You know, I like that you have a house and friends now.
QUINN
Well you know...maybe you taught me something, too.
(beat)
You can leave through the laundry chute.
INTERIM MUSIC
INT. SKIP AND MCGRATH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
SFX: Skip panting and rustling papers. He’s sorting his files into piles.
SKIP
Overpaid gratuities! That’s 520!
MACKENZIE
Skip, this is insane. It’s after midnight. You have to stop! You’re worrying me.
SKIP
Everything’s fine, McGrath. It’s all coming together now. You’ll see.
MACKENZIE
You need help.
SFX: A knock at the door.
MACKENZIE
And so do I.
SFX: McGrath opens the door.
MACKENZIE
Hey.
ATHENA
Hi. I was surprised you called, but very pleased. I always hoped you’d -
SKIP (Holding up another paper)
521!
SFX: Puts the paper into his “OG” pile.
SKIP
Oh, Athena! In my apartment. Well...many hands make light work! Grab a stack and start sorting.
ATHENA
This isn’t a booty call, is it?
MACKENZIE
Sorry. I’m in crisis mode and I didn’t know who else to call.
ATHENA
Where are your friends?
MACKENZIE
On their honeymoon.
ATHENA
Get. Out. Gloria actually married Bowden? I guess I owe you a Coke.
MACKENZIE
I believe you bet me a private island, but if you can help me talk Skip down off the ledge, consider all debts paid.
ATHENA
Wouldn’t you rather just go to my place?
MACKENZIE
I knew this was a mistake. Never mind, I’ll deal with it myself. As usual.
ATHENA
Alright, alright, relax. I’m here, I might as well help. So...how can I do that exactly?
SKIP
Grab a stack and dig in! Let’s see...why don’t you start with our most recent missions. Go through the expense reports, receipts, briefings, find any instances of the letters O and G together. Here - here’s everything from our mission at The Playhouse.
MACKENZIE
Skip, that wasn’t even a sanctioned mission! We were just helping Bowden stop a Phantom of the Opera.
SKIP
That’s true, but I...OH. OH MY! McGrath, Athena, how well do you know The Phantom of the Opera?
ATHENA
I appreciated his underground lair, but chandelier dropping is so gauche.
SKIP
In many versions of the story, The Phantom, taunts the owners of the opera house with notes. Notes signed “O.G.”!
MACKENZIE
Yeah, Opera Ghost. Skip, Phantom of the Opera is just a dumb story.
ATHENA
Okay, so what does this have to do with standing knee deep in paperwork?
SKIP
Look, I’ve found a dozen more different official government forms that have the preface OG as part of their designation. I have to understand what it means.
ATHENA
Oh, Skip. I don’t believe it.
MACKENZIE
What? Athena? What is it?
ATHENA
I just can’t believe it!
SKIP
I knew it. I told you I wasn’t crazy, McGrath.
ATHENA
I just can’t believe that I know a piece of obscure bureaucracy that Skip Granger doesn’t.
SKIP
Huh?
ATHENA (Flipping through papers)
OG-468. OG-5712. OG-9985. OG-997. All official government forms printed by...Optimized Governmental.
SKIP AND MACKENZIE
Who?
ATHENA
Optimized Governmental. They’re one of a half dozen companies the Federal government outsources its official printing to.
SKIP
How would YOU know that?
ATHENA
AthenaCorps inherited all of Terry Millionaire’s government contracts. Between NDAs, invoices, and bills, I must sign five of their forms a day.
SFX: McGrath at they keyboard.
MACKENZIE
She’s right. Optimized Governmental. Headquartered in Clifton, New Jersey…HOME OF THE DEEP FRIED HOT DOG!
SKIP
How I have I never heard of them before?
MACKENZIE
How have I never heard of the home of the deep fried hot dog before!?
ATHENA
Do you order the forms?
SKIP
Well, no. Requistions does.
ATHENA
Well. There you go.
SKIP
But that still doesn’t explain all the other instances of O.G. Remember the Hangry Hobo? That’s got nothing to do with Optimized Governmental.
ATHENA
It’s simple psychology, Skip. Once an idea gets into your head, you start seeing it everywhere.
MACKENZIE
She’s talking sense, Skip.
ATHENA
It can happen to anyone. Like, maybe you get a call in the middle of the night from a former flame and then it gets in your head that maybe she wants to spend some quality time together, and then that’s all you can think about. And you start seeing her initials everywhere - Mickey Mouse is on the television, Mandy Moore is on the radio, Mitch McConnell is on the front page of the paper...
MACKENZIE
Oh God, talk about throwing cold water on something.
ATHENA
My point is, none of those things added up to anything. Because here I am doing arm chair therapy on you instead of sharing a much more pleasant evening. Understand?
SKIP (Sighs)
Maybe I am making something out of nothing. It’s just that something has been bothering me for weeks now. Like, there was something happening in the background of my life that I just couldn’t see, but was exerting control over everything.
MACKENZIE
It’s called being alive in the 2020s, pal.
SKIP
Well, thank you, Athena. I’m sorry I interrupted your evening.
ATHENA
Meh. I was bored anyway.
SFX: Everyone’s phones start beeping.
ATHENA (Looking at her phone)
Oh, breaking news. WHAT!?
MACKENZIE
Oh my God! Skip, turn on the TV! They’re swearing in Chet Phillips as President of the United States!
SKIP
WHAT?
ATHENA
I can’t decide if this is good for me…or really terrible.
SFX: Skip turns on the TV.
CHIEF JUSTICE (ON TV)
Preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.
CHET (ON TV)
Preserve protect defend the Constitution of the United States.
CHIEF JUSTICE (ON TV)
So help me God.
CHET (ON TV)
You’re telling me.
CHIEF JUSTICE (ON TV)
Congratulations, Mister President!
CHET (ON TV)
Oh gee, that’s a lot. Can we drink now?
SKIP
He said it! I HAVE TO SEE THE PRESIDENT.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
MOTHER INNOCENT
Well, if the trackers are accurate, they’re inside this movie theater.
BALTHAZAR
Ugh. A showing of that filthy spaghetti Western...L'amore spiacevole
MOTHER INNOCENT
I suppose they wanted to enjoy one last viewing together. In we go.
SFX: They enter the theater.
BALTHAZAR
Couldn’t we just blow up the whole theater? Rid the world of the reels as well?
MOTHER INNOCENT (assembling her gun)
No no, my pet. This is a silenced cyonide needle gun. Two quick POPS, they slump over, and the ushers will find them when the movie finishes.
SFX: They approach the usher.
USHER
Buona sera.
BALTHAZAR
Two, please, to L'amore spiacevole
USHER
Apologies, the movie has been changed. We are now showing Too Tall to Fail, the -
BALTHAZAR
THE BALTHAZAR MONTCRIEF STORY?
USHER
Yes signore.
BALTHAZAR
We’ll take ten tickets.
MOTHER INNOCENT
Hold on -
USHER
Sorry sir, we’re near capacity.
BALTHAZAR
EXCELLENT.
MOTHER INNOCENT
Two tickets, hurry, boy.
USHER
Enjoy your movie.
SFX: They rush off, with Balthazar in the lead.
BALTHAZAR
Think of it! The last thing they will see in this world is my cinematic triumph!
MOTHER INNOCENT (under her breath)
They must have been desperate for a place to hide.
SFX: They enter the theater. Balthazar’s image pontificates on the screen.
BALTHAZAR (ONSCREEN)
Admiral Fletcher, let my people go!
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN (ONSCREEN)
Never, my tall adversary!
MOTHER INNOCENT
My God, let’s get this over with quickly.
BALTHAZAR
There they are! Center of the row! There’s no way to escape from a packed theater house!
MOTHER INNOCENT
Tell me about it.
BALTHAZAR
What did you say?
MOTHER INNOCENT
Let me line up this shot, easy peasy...
BALTHAZAR (ONSCREEN)
Fletcher, you remind me of a catfish...
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN (ONSCREEN)
Really?
BALTHAZAR (ONSCREEN)
A bottom-feeding shit-eater.
SFX: SMACK! goes the ruler.
BALTHAZAR
Ow! What?
MOTHER INNOCENT
Watch your mouth.
BALTHAZAR
It wasn’t me, it was the movie!
MOTHER INNOCENT
You’re starring in the movie!
BALTHAZAR
Will you set your sights on the actual target, please?
BALTHAZAR (ONSCREEN)
Goddammit, Fletcher!
SFX: SMACK.
BALTHAZAR
Stop that!
MOTHER INNOCENT
This movie is awful.
BALTHAZAR
(absolute horrified gasp)
MOTHER INNOCENT
I mean what kind of pistol is that you’re holding, it’s completely inaccurate.
BALTHAZAR
I’ll have you know that is the very gun that Vin Diesel gave me after he threw it in in the trash after filming Fast 5!
MOTHER INNOCENT
And who is this army of fans you’ve amassed? This whole movie is pseudo-historical tripe.
BALTHAZAR
You dare say such slander to me, here in the birthplace of Vito Corlione?
MOTHER INNOCENT
Oh here we go. Defending fictional characters.
BALTHAZAR
That fictional character featured in the two greatest films ever made!
MOTHER INNOCENT
Pshaw. Godfather Part III is far superior to Godfather Part II.
BALTHAZAR
VILLAIN!!!
SFX: Balthazar attacks Mother Innocent, knocking the gun away!
MOTHER INNOCENT
Hands off, slime!
BALTHAZAR
Philistine!
MOTHER INNOCENT
Judas!
BALTHAZAR
Critic!
MOTHER INNOCENT
You know what? I agree to your original plan!
(she powers up an RPG)
Let’s use the grenade launcher!
BALTHAZAR
No, my film! My devoted audience! Run, you...
SFX: He knocks over an audience member, and they crumple to the ground.
BALTHAZAR
...wait a minute. This is a cardboard standee!
MOTHER INNOCENT
The whole audience is full of them! I knew this movie couldn’t sell out.
BALTHAZAR
YOU’RE THE SELLOUT, TRAITOR! Give me that gun!
MOTHER INNOCENT
No wait -
SFX: He grabs the poison gun and FIRES TWICE!
BALTHAZAR
Yes! Right in the backs of their heads - why didn’t they slump over?
MOTHER INNOCENT
Those are cardboard cutouts, you idiot!
BALTHAZAR
But the trackers!
MOTHER INNOCENT
They must have - AAAH!
SFX: The floorboards rupture, and Mother Innocent goes down!
MOTHER INNOCENT
They’re dragging me to hell!
BALTHAZAR
Just like Sam Raimi!
MOTHER INNOCENT
HELP ME - UGGGH!
SFX: Bowden and Gloria leap up from the hole!
GLORIA
Haha! It’s a good thing for us this old theater has space under the risers!
BALTHAZAR
Very clever...but it doesn’t matter! You’ll never clear your names! The police will never know that we framed you!
SFX: Outside, the WHOOP of a siren.
BALTHAZAR
They’ve been listening in the whole time, haven’t they?
SFX: A door bursts open and the “Usher” enters.
BOWDEN
Bingo, big brother.
BALTHAZER
Bowden! You were the usher? You can’t even speak Italian!
BOWDEN
I know three words and I delivered each one perfectly.
GLORIA
Those tickers he gave you have tiny microtranmisters on them. The police heard everything.
MOTHER INNOCENT
Uggggh they’ll never taken me alive!
GLORIA
The grenade launcher!
BOWDEN
Oh Jesus!
(smack)
Ow!
BALTHAZAR
Stop her!
SFX: They all grab for the grenade launcher!
BOWDEN
Gloria! Go for the John Wick gun!
GLORIA
Right!
(slings the gun out)
One shot!
SFX: She shoots Mother Innocent!
MOTHER INNOCENT
OUCH!
GLORIA
Two shot!
SFX: She shoots Balthazar!
BALTHAZAR
I’M HIT! OW OW OW OWIE OW THAT SMARTS!
BOWDEN
Wow that gun is really weak.
GLORIA
Yeah. HIKEEBA!
SFX: Gloria HIKEEBAS them both. They flop to the ground.
BALTHAZAR (struggling to stay conscious)
This isn’t over...I’ll come for you again...tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow -
MOTHER INNOCENT (also passing out)
Oh shut up...
SFX: She SMACKS him with the ruler once more, and they both collapse.
BOWDEN
Did you get all of that, Ispettore?
ISPETTORE FORTUNATO (walking in the door)
Thank you, Mister Montcrief.
SFX: The police rush in!
ISPETTORE FORTUNATO
So, young lovers. You caught the real perpetrators, eh?
GLORIA
Yes! We knew exactly what would cause a less committed couple to fracture -
BOWDEN
- fighting over movies!
ISPETTORE FORTUNATO
Molto bene. Off to jail with these two!
BALTHAZAR (seething)
Don’t turn your back, Innocent.
MOTHER INNOCENT
I never do.
BALTHAZAR
I’ll be watching you from across the way in the men’s prison...
MOTHER INNOCENT
Oh. Watching?
BALTHAZAR (getting into it)
Yes...always...watching...
MOTHER INNOCENT
Watching without touching is God’s way.
BALTHAZAR
You absolute succubus.
MOTHER INNOCENT
You perverted thespian.
SFX: They start making out while the officers try to hold them back.
ISPETTORE FORTUNATO
Okay, take them away, I never want to see that again.
POLICEMAN
Ispettore?
ISPETTORE FORTUNATO
Eh? Oh. Ms. Kovak, Mother Innocents key. I’ll take that gun.
SFX: He undoes the gun from Gloria’s arm.
GLORIA
Oh, thank you!
INSPETTORE FORTUNATO
Mister Montcrief, Ms. Kovak...enjoy the rest of your honeymoon.
SFX: The officers go.
BOWDEN
Wow!
GLORIA
Right?
BOWDEN
I’m so sorry about this honeymoon.
GLORIA
Let’s forget about about it! We’ve got twelve more days!
BOWDEN
Yes!
GLORIA
Yes!
BOWDEN
What should we do?
GLORIA
Well...we could...um...
BOWDEN
Get gelato?
GLORIA
Sure!
BOWDEN
That’d be neat!
GLORIA
Let’s...walk there!
BOWDEN
Ah, Sicily!
SFX: They start walking. Silence.
GLORIA (fast)
Do you want to go infiltrate a diamond smuggling ring Quinn told me about?
BOWDEN
Shall we hit her up for stylish outfits and gear?
GLORIA
She might try to shoot you.
BOWDEN
What’s life without risk?
SFX: Gloria plants a giant kiss on him.
GLORIA
You’re perfect.
BOWDEN
Here’s looking at you, kid.
SFX: They kiss.
INTERIM MUSIC
INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY
SFX: Chet’s inauguration is on the T.V.
CHIEF JUSTICE (ON TV)
So help me God.
CHET (ON TV)
You’re telling me.
CHIEF JUSTICE (ON TV)
Congratulations, Mister President!
CHET (ON TV)
Oh gee, that’s a lot. Can we drink now?
SFX: A click of a remote. The tape pauses.
SKIP
See, right there!
CHET
Uh, Skip...
SKIP
I’ll play it again...
SFX: The tape rewinds.
CHIEF OF STAFF (ON TV)
Congratulations, Mr. President!
CHET (ON TV)
Oh, gee...
SFX: Rewind.
CHET (ON TV)
Oh, gee...
SFX: CLUNK. Chet turns the TV off.
CHET
Ok, buckaroo, that’s enough.
SKIP
But you did say it! You said “O.G.”!
CHET
Yes, as in “Oh”...”Gee”...”I don’t know what else to say.” It’s an expression, Skip! If I had to bet, it’s one you say like 50 times monthly. Or do you prefer “gee willikers”?
SKIP
Chet - Mr. President, I have logged hundreds of occurrences of the letters O.G. in the last few days. Many pertaining to top secret missions we’ve been involved with. The pattern suggests a secret branch of the government - beyond even the EMF. Maybe even an entire shadow government, manipulating events for unknown reasons!
SFX: Chet sighs, sympathetically. He thinks he understands. He puts a gentle hand on Skip’s shoulder.
CHET
Skip. I know what it’s like to have your world turned upside down. The Admiral is dead. There’s no more Zeerox. No more Ocean Bureau. No more Dark EMF. Terry Millionaire is ruined. Even Athena has gone straight. You know what I think? I think you’re LOOKING for something to fight.
SKIP
What? Why would I do that?
CHET
Look - see that portrait?
SKIP
President Lincoln.
CHET
Good old Honest Abe. It used to hang over there by the curtains. I had them move it directly across from my desk. To remind me that no matter what else happens, my responsibility is to the American people. To always be honest with them.
SKIP
That’s very noble, Mr. President.
CHET
Now I’m being honest with you. There’s no conspiracy. There’s no shadowy figure pulling the strings. It’s just us. And if THAT isn’t scary enough for you...then don’t know what to say, buddy.
SKIP (laughs)
Okay. I’m sorry. Thank you for talking to me. I think I just need to clear my head. Good luck, sir. The EMF is here if you need us. But...I’m just gonna leave my report here. If you have time.
SFX: Skip drops papers on Chet’s desk and exits. Chet pours himself a drink.
CHET
Well, Phillips, that’s one presidential crisis down. Look on the bright side. At least they can’t promote you any more. There’s not a single person above you.
SFX: The curtain rustles. Chet drops his drink and whirls around.
CHET
Who’s there? I see you behind that curtain!
SFX: The curtain sweeps aside. Out shuffles a MYSTERIOUS MAN.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Hello, Mister President. I thought your friend would never leave.
CHET
Who the hell are you?
MYSTERIOUS MAN
No one! No one.
CHET
I’m calling security.
MYSTERIOUS MAN (Producing a security badge)
I have clearance. SCI Eleven!
CHET
Eleven? I’m the president and I only have level ten!
SFX: The man holds up a beeping card. Chet studies it.
CHET
Are you...what’s back there?
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Nothing.
CHET
It looks like an apartment.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
It’s not an apartment, I assure you. Well, not entirely.
CHET
Do you...live behind a curtain in the Oval Office?
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Well, until you moved it, I lived behind a fantastic portrait of Abe Lincoln. But, you know, I work with what I’ve got. Now if I could just grab what I came for...ah! Here it is.
SFX: He grabs Skip’s report off the desk.
CHET
Hold it. I’m not letting you swipe Skip’s report on...uh...parakeet mating patterns.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Mr. Phillips, you are not the first president under me and you won’t be the last. We’ll speak again, but for now, may I suggest that you pay no attention to the man behind the curtain?
CHET
Who are you?
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Why don’t you call me...O.G.
SFX: He dissapears behind the curtain.
MUSICAL STING!
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate producer Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written and directed by Pete Barry & J. Michael DeAngelis.
It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice
Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jean Barry as Quinn Corrino
Jill Ivey as Flo the Waitress and the Chief Justice
and Bob Killion as Bob the Order Grub Driver
Guest Starring
John Dowgin as President Henson
Dave Serfass as Chief of Staff
David S. Dear as Justice of the Peace
J. Michael DeAngelis as Fortunato
Eric Werner as Balthazar Montcrief
Erica Werner as Mother Innocent
Suzannah Cerreta as Suzannah
Alexis Sottile as Maria
with Jim Iorio as O.G.
and Sarah Rhea Werner as Pat
The Mission: Rejected store on Tee Public now has hats! Protect your head with a stylish EMF or Ocean Bureau chapeau, or show off your punk side with a Rat's Dominion trucker cap. Visit www.missionrejected.com and click "Store" to get shopping. Does anyone still wear a hat? They do? Really? Oh okay.
This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2024 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
INT. THE ADMIRAL’S UNDERWATER BASE
SFX: Silence. Then a ping in the deep. And another. A steel door decompresses then opens. Footsteps on metal flooring.
ADMIRAL
Oh-eight-hundred. You’re late, Terry.
TERRY
Forgive me, but it was more difficult to secure a water taxi at this hour than I’d imagined. I am not used to being...a member of the public.
ADMIRAL
Poor little rich boy. Were you successful?
TERRY
Indeed. There were at least two off-shore accounts Ms. O’Brien had not discovered yet. I made some discrete withdraws and we are once again liquid.
ADMIRAL
Oh, Terry, you’re speaking my language!
TERRY
Do not confuse my financial contributions as camaraderie, Fletcher. You said we would have our revenge on Skip Granger and that make us -
ADMIRAL
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!
TERRY
Partners. Limited partners. Now, what can my newly acquired cash buy us? Weapons? Mercenaries? Information?
ADMIRAL
Construction materials. I’ve just finished my plans!
SFX: The Admiral unfurls blueprints.
ADMIRAL
Behold...New Atlantis!
TERRY
An underwater city? Warren Buffet tried to sell me on the same thing. If you are too water-logged to plan our revenge, then I will take matters into my own hands and -
SFX: WHAM! With superhuman strength, The Admiral pins Terry against the bulkhead.
ADMIRAL
We will have revenge when I say it is time for revenge. Do I make myself clear...partner?
TERRY
Yes...Admiral.
ADMIRAL
Good. Then get building.
MUSIC: Stinger.