Season Five, Episode Five: Nooses Off
Transcript
INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - THE STATE DINING ROOM - EVENING
SFX: The elegant hubbub of a state dinner.
SECRET SERVICE SECURITY GUY
Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the President of the United States, Douglas Henson.
MUSIC: The President’s Own Marine Band plays Hail to the Chief.
SFX: The crowds rise to their feet and applaud.
PRESIDENT HENSON
Thank you, thank you, and welcome to this magnificent state dinner in honor of the magnificent country of Finland and your magnificent Prime Minister Niina Koskinen!
PRIME MINISTER KOSKINEN
The honor is mine, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT HENSON
As you know, I am one quarter Finnish on my grandmother’s side. I can remember when I was a young boy growing up on the shores of Lake Erie, whenever the lake would freeze over, granny would take my brother Paul and I out there with nothing but our mittens and a pick-axe. The old Finnish right of passage, am I right, Niina?
PRIME MINISTER KOSKINEN
No. This is the first I am hearing of this.
PRESIDENT HENSON
Anyway, in the grand tradition of my Finnish ancestors, we took our axe to the ice and, oh, I guess I forget to mention that granny always had a mason jar of lard on her, which is important to what happens next. So we’re picking at the ice...
SFX: The President continues his story in the background as our focus shifts to Chet Phillips coming through a side door.
CHET
I need to speak with the president!
SECRET SERVICE SECURITY GUY
In the middle of his Lake Eerie story? Never in all my days!
CHET
I don’t care if he’s reading the Declaration of Independence, I need to talk to him now!
SECRET SERVICE SECURITY GUY
Speaker of the House Phillips, could you please wait for the dessert course?
PRESIDENT HENSON
...and from that day on my brother was always known as...Chilly Willie.
SFX: No one laughs.
PRESIDENT HENSON
Chilly Willie. Well, I guess that doesn’t translate. Anyway, in memory of my brother, God rest his soul, and my ancestors, we will now enjoy this traditional Finnish meal. Starting, I’m told, with a salmon soup.
SFX: Chet pushes by security.
CHET
Mr. President!
SECRET SERVICE SECURITY GUY
Hey!
CHET
Mr. President, don’t eat that soup!
SFX: Gasps from the crowd as Chet LUNGES onto the dais and WHACKS the soup bowl away from the president.
PRESIDENT HENSON
MY SOUP!
PRIME MINISTER KOSKINEN
Piru! What is the meaning of this?
CHET
Sorry to spoil the soup, Prime Minister. Or should I say... Vice President Powers!
SFX: Chet rips a SnapFace mask off the Prime Minister to reveal the Vice President. Gasps.
VICE PRESIDENT POWERS
Phillips, you meddling fool!
PRESIDENT HENSON
My God, Powers! What are you doing dressed as the Prime Minister of Finland? Wait. Is this a stag party? Who’s getting hitched?
CHET
The soup is poisoned! Powers here has his eye on your job, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT HENSON
Powers! Why!?
VICE PRESIDENT POWERS
Because of THIS! Your affection for Finland has made this country weak! Your program to provide salted trout in school lunches alone has nearly destroyed our economy!
PRESIDENT HENSON
But if you’re here, where’s the real Prime Minister Niina?
CHET
I found her tied up in the east wing movie theater. Terrible hiding place, by the way.
VICE PRESIDENT POWERS
They were showing Madam Web! WHY WOULD ANYONE GO IN THERE?
CHET
I got two words for ya, pal:
CHET & PRESIDENT HENSON
Adam Scott.
PRESIDENT HENSON
Take the Vice President away.
SECRET SERVICE SECURITY GUY
You’re coming with me, Powers. We have a room for people like you.
VICE PRESIDENT POWERS (Being dragged off)
Your time will come, Henson! YOU’RE JUST A PUPPET!
PRESIDENT HENSON
Once again, the world stands in awe of you, Phillips. Your keen senses are still sharp from years of heroic espionage! I need a new Vice President - and you’re just the man for the job!
CHET
Oh no. But I just became Speaker! I haven’t even used the gavel yet!
PRESIDENT HENSON
Get your game face on, son, because tomorrow morning I’m telling the world that my top choice for a new Vice President is Chet Phillips!
SFX: The crowd cheers! CHET! CHET! CHET! CHET!
MUSIC: Theme song!
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents... the backups. Tonight’s episode: Nooses Off.
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - BACKSTAGE
SFX: Actors milling about.
BOWDEN
Cast? Crew? Can you all gather round? I’d like to say something. Alright cast. I know the past few weeks of rehearsal have been a bit rough. Flubbed lines, broken prop dollies, two accidental Life Alert pushings. But when you’ve been in the theater as long as I have, you learn these things are good.
STELLA
As the stage manager, I actually prefer when things go the way they’re supposed to.
BOWDEN
I know it feels counterintuitive. But in all the shows I’ve done, the ones with bad dress rehearsals were the ones that ended up bringing the house down. And I truly believe with some focus, the opening night of Camelton: Turn Off the Wedding! is going to be amazing.
SFX: Vomiting.
BOWDEN
Cressida, tell me you just threw up because of how inspiring my speech was and not because you’re sick.
CRESSIDA
I- I think I’m okay... it’s probably just something I ate...
SFX: Vomiting. THUD as she collapses.
STELLA
And that’s the leading lady down. What was that you were saying, Bowden, about things being amazing?
BOWDEN
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. EMF CONFERENCE ROOM - EVENING
SFX: Bleep bloop. McGrath typing away. Skip shuffling through papers.
MACKENZIE
Skip, can we call it a night? My fingers are going to seize up.
SKIP
Sorry, McGrath. Something just hasn’t been sitting right with me about our case files lately, but I can’t put my finger on it. I need a second pair of eyes and since Gloria is prepping for her mission to Cuba, and Bowden has his opening night -
MACKENZIE
But we’re supposed to go to his opening too! And you promised we’d get drinks first. I am NOT going to one of Bowden’s shows sober.
SKIP
I would normally object to overindulging, but I remember what happened when we went to see his production of Annie...
SFX: Someone kicks in the door!
GLORIA
Freeze!
SFX: Gloria cocks an elaborate sounding gun.
SKIP
Gloria, it’s us!
GLORIA
Alpha Team...STRIKE!
SFX: In bursts Lt. Ron Jambo, gun raised...
JAMBO
Don’t move, turkeys!
SFX: ...and Dr. Pickle, who tumbles in.
PICKLE
Hands in the air! OOOPS!
SFX: Pickle drops her gun.
GLORIA
Okay, Alpha Team, at ease.
MACKENZIE
What in the name of The Expendables was that?
JAMBO
Recon, little lady. Strictly need to know. Right, Emile?
SFX: Emile coos in agreement.
PICKLE
Oh, umm, Agent McGrath, could you toss me my pistol? I seem to have dropped it at your feet.
MACKENZIE
And somehow I still have toes.
GLORIA
Sorry for the scare, everyone, but we needed the practice. The EMF has been alerted to a stock pile of Cold War era weapons still hidden deep in the Cuban jungle. Jambo’s the muscle; Hermione’s the maps.
PICKLE (Drops her gun again)
Dear me, this is a slippery bugger.
JAMBO
Dr. Pickle, I’ll give you the same advice Emile gave me - hold it by the grip and NOT by the barrel.
SFX: Emile chirps happily. Door again. Pat and Zelda enter.
ZELDA
Good evening, agents.
PAT
Hi, everyone!
MACKENZIE
Pat!
PAT
Hey, Mackenzie!
MACKENZIE
Get in here you, you sneaky blood tracker you!
SFX: They hug.
ZELDA
Agent Kovak, is your team ready?
GLORIA
Yes, ma’am. All three team members have been briefed.
ZELDA
Three?
SFX: Emile growls.
ZELDA
Oh, right. Sorry, Emile.
SFX: Emile forgives Zelda... for now.
MACKENZIE
Wait! Does this mean you’re missing Bowden’s opening night?
GLORIA
Yes, sadly.
MACKENZIE
You lucky bitch.
GLORIA
It’s alright, Bo understands. I saw the dress rehearsal last night. Plus, I’ve run the lines with Bowden so many times, I could probably do the play in my sleep.
ZELDA
Agent Kovak, I’m sorry you have to miss the show, but I know you understand the importance of your mission. We want those weapons out of the field, locked up in our vaults until they can be destroyed.
GLORIA
We’ve got everything all worked out, Section Chief. This operation is going to run like clockwork!
JAMBO
That’s right, chief! Just so long as we don’t have go into the jungle.
ZELDA
The entire mission is in the jungle!
GLORIA
Don’t worry, Jambo, that’s why we’re bringing Dr. Pickle! She has THE most detailed maps of the region - and access to paths and trails that no one else knows about. We’re going to be in and out before you know it. Smooth sailing.
PICKLE (Drops gun again)
I swear, it’s made of jelly!
ZELDA
Pat... let’s go.
PAT
Alright, Zelda. Skip, Mackenzie, see you at the theater!
SKIP
See you soon! We’re in the seats right next to you!
PAT
Gloria, best of luck in Cuba. As the director of the CIA, I can’t comment on this operation... but as your friend, well, give me a hug!
SFX: Pat and Gloria hug warmly.
GLORIA
See you when I’m back, Pat. Chief.
ZELDA
Be in touch, agent.
SFX: Pat and Zelda head out.
GLORIA
Strike Team Alpha, you better head out too. We’ve got wheels up in 15.
JAMBO
Roger that, boss lady.
PICKLE
Is now a good time to mention I get air sick?
SFX: Jambo and Pickle exit, Emile in tow.
MACKENZIE
Look out, Cuba, Gloria Kovak is leading her first away mission!
SKIP
You bring those weapons back... and it would be my honor to catalog and inventory them!
GLORIA
You’ve got a deal, Skip.
SFX: The door bursts open again. It’s Bowden!
BOWDEN
You’re all still here, THANK GOD! We’re not too late.
GLORIA
Bowden, what’s wrong? Who’s...”we?”
LARRY
Hi...Larry Hastings, Bass-Baritone.
GLORIA, SKIP, MACKENZIE
(Groan)
BOWDEN
It’s an utter disaster! The leading lady can’t go on and we haven’t got an understudy. The whole opening is in danger.
MACKENZIE
What happened?
BOWDEN
There was an accident...
LARRY
OR WAS THERE?
SKIP
Was there?
BOWDEN
Yes, there was. McGrath, I need the SnapFace machine and vocoder ASAP. I need to slap them on Larry so he can go on for Cressida.
LARRY
You are an artiste and I but a humble blank canvas. Mold me.
MACKENZIE
Oh good Lord.
GLORIA
Wait, go back. What happened to Cressida? I just watched another one of her Instagram stories about being gluten free this morning.
BOWDEN
She got food poisoning.
LARRY
OR DID SHE?
SKIP
Did she?
MACKENZIE
For the love of... Larry, what the hell are you talking about?
LARRY
It’s the Phantom of the Playhouse!
SKIP
A phantom? That’s very difficult to prove through observation and deduction.
LARRY
Not if you know where to look. For instance... the sewer.
BOWDEN
Larry, for the 100th time, there is no Phantom. She ate MY breakfast sandwich... and yes, I get my sandwiches from the gas station on 3rd, but that doesn’t mean there’s a phantom!
SKIP
Phantom or not, someone could be targeting you!
BOWDEN
Who would wanna target me?
MACKENZIE
Critics. Audiences. Jared Leto. Balthazar.
BOWDEN
No, that’s one lunatic we can rule out. He wouldn’t DARE step foot in a regional theater. He says they give him hives.
SKIP
Regardless Bowden, something’s afoot! You need to cancel the show until we can find out what’s going on.
BOWDEN
Not an option. The revenue loss would be devastating to The Playhouse. And I can’t lose the press before Abbott and Costello: Vampire Hunters premiers!
LARRY
The show must go on! I hope I fit into Cressida’s wedding dress. My doctor says I have the hips of a water buffalo.
SFX: Static burst
JAMBO (OVER COMMS)
This is Lil’ Skinker calling Big Skinker. The jet is fueled up and ready to go.
GLORIA
Oooh...
SFX: Static burst.
GLORIA
Lil’ Skinker, I need you and Rand McNally to take off. Repeat, take off. I’ll be in touch.
JAMBO (OVER COMMS)
Roger that, Big Skinker.
SFX: Static burst.
BOWDEN
Gloria, what are you doing?
GLORIA
Saving your show. I know all the lines, I can fake the blocking. And if there’s possibly someone after you, there’s no way I’m going out of the country at a time like this!
BOWDEN
Gloria, you can’t do -
GLORIA
I’M GOING ON.
LARRY
Always the bridesmaid.
SKIP
Gloria, you’re abandoning your mission?
GLORIA
Of course not! I can do both. I was supposed to run the op from base camp anyway, only Jambo and Dr. Pickle are needed in the field. I can do the same from here. And we can get to the bottom of whatever’s going on.
MACKENZIE
While you’re in a play?
GLORIA
Sure. The part has plenty of off-stage time. Plus you and Skip can help with the investigation into who hurt Cressida.
BOWDEN
Gloria, I can’t ask you to do this.
GLORIA
You’re not. I’m offering. Besides, we’ve run through the op a million ways. My team has it completely under control.
SFX: Static burst.
DR. PICKLE (OVER COMMS)
Um, so sorry, excuse me, Agent Kovak, but have you seen the keys to the jet? Lt. Jambo can’t find them.
JAMBO (OVER COMMS)
Never mind! Emile had them.
SFX: Static.
GLORIA
Completely. Under. Control.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - LOBBY
SFX: Opening night chatter as the audience pours in. A PA chimes.
HEAD USHER (OVER PA)
The house is now open.
PAT
Should we have a drink at the bar before the show starts?
ZELDA
It depends what they’re serving. That zin they had last time was absolutely pedestrian.
SFX: Footsteps approaching.
GARY
Excuse me, lovely ladies. You two wouldn’t be the sexiest spies in the business, would you?
ZELDA
Don’t be ridiculous. I’m...a golf pro.
GARY
RIGHT! Boffo! Socko! I got it, the whole hush hush down low business. Gary Kirkman, I’m Bowden’s agent. He told me to be on the lookout for some of his co-workers from his, “day job.”
PAT
Oh, Gary, we’ve heard so much about you. Hello, I’m Pat.
GARY
And let me say you are the tallest drink of water this thirsty cowboy has ever seen. Shall we get a drink at the bar? They’ve got a zin that is absolutely BOFFO.
ZELDA
We’re just going to take our seats. Come on, Pat.
PAT
Well, nice meeting you, Gary.
GARY
I’ll come with you! I assume we’re all sitting in Bowden’s house seats.
ZELDA
Delightful.
SFX: They walk off, as the rest of the EMF gang and Larry rush in. Another chime from the PA.
BOWDEN
That’s the 15 minute bell. Gloria, we’ve got to get you backstage and into costume.
GLORIA
Cast and crew are all natural suspects to interview. Let’s divide and conquer.
BOWDEN
McGrath, lend me the SnapFace and vocoder. I’ll stash them in my dressing room. Who knows who Gloria or I might have to pretend to be.
SFX: McGrath hands him the device.
MACKENZIE
Do NOT hurt my babies.
GLORIA
Now, we can’t rule out someone hiding in the theater. Larry, show Skip and McGrath around the building - but keep a low profile.
BOWDEN
I’m only sorry you won’t get to see the play. Two empty seats right up front will demoralize the cast.
SKIP
Oh, don’t worry, we were able to give our tickets to friends! Well... more like aquaintences.
TRANSITION NOISE
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - AUDIENCE
SFX: People chatting pre-show. Gary, Pat and Zelda shuffle to their seats.
GARY
What great seats! Front row! Boffo, Bowden! Socko, Bowden! Hey, look, Pat, I’m right next you!
PAT
How nice!
ZELDA
Excuse me, miss, I think you’re in my seat.
DR. WILES
Oh, hey, boss lady!
ZELDA
Dr. Wiles! What are you doing here?
DR. WILES
Agent Granger gave me his ticket. Said something came up at work.
ZELDA
I should call in.
PAT
Honey, sit down. If Skip needs help, he will get in touch.
ZELDA
Well, where’s McGrath?
ATHENA
Also indisposed. But she gave me her ticket.
ZELDA
ATHENA O’BRIEN!?
HEAD USHER (OVER PA)
As a courtesy to the audience and the performers, please turn off your mobile devices at this time. Any violators will be removed.
SFX: Athena turns her phone ON and starts texting.
ZELDA
Still think the rules don’t apply to you, Athena?
ATHENA
Never have, never will! Also, I have a business deal in Cuba that needs monitoring.
ZELDA
Cuba!? What business do you have in Cuba?
ATHENA
That is AthenaCorp’s business and none of yours.
SFX: Theater Chimes over the PA
HEAD USHER (OVER PA)
Tonight’s performance of “Camelton: Turn off the Wedding” will run for approximately two hours with one intermission.
DR. WILES
This about a wedding? Ugh. Who would want to marry Bowden?
ZELDA
Go ahead, Athena. Just TRY and interfere with my operation and see what happens. I’ve got Gloria Kovak on the job.
HEAD USHER (OVER PA)
At tonight’s performance, the role of The Bride will be played by Gloria Kovak.
ZELDA
No no no...
ATHENA
Shhh! Or I’ll have to ask the usher to remove you.
ZELDA
(Growls)
TRANSITION NOISE
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - BACKSTAGE
SFX: Three claps.
BOWDEN
Cast, crew, gather round!
SFX: Some grumbles and footsteps.
ROSEN (ACTOR)
God, he LOVES calling meetings, doesn’t he?
STERN (ACTOR)
Wouldn’t know. I started doing Duolingo during the ninth one.
BOWDEN
Rosen? Stern? Let’s save the chatter for the stage.
STERN (ACTOR)
Sorry Bowden! (mutters) Asshole.
BOWDEN
Okay team, this is Gloria. She’s going to--... wait, sorry, who are you? Oh my gosh, did production get me an assistant?
BLOOM
I’m Leonardo Bloom. The producer.
BOWDEN
The producer!! Oh my god, sir, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-
BLOOM
Relax. I’m used to it. Producers never get any respect. I haven’t had a chance to stop by before tonight but the director told me there had been some mishaps lately so I’m here to help backstage and keep things running smoothly while Rogelio oversees from the tech box. But curtain’s up soon, so....
BOWDEN
Right! So this is Gloria. She has generously agreed to stand in as The Bride for Cressida tonight.
GLORIA
Hi everyone! Super excited to be here. Bowden walked me through the blocking but I may still be a bit shaky so any help you can give would be much appreciated!
STELLA
Great. I’m in charge of set changes, backstage logistics, light cues, and herding the performers, but sure, let me just also hold your hand through the whole show.
BOWDEN
Gloria, this is Stella, Stage Manager extraordinaire.
GLORIA
I’ll do my best not to step on your toes! I’m 80% off book now and by curtain, I’ll be 100%. That’s a Gloria Kovak guarantee, you can take that to the bank and invest it in a high yield savings account.
STELLA
I like you. Just follow the entrances sheet taped up here, and watch for your marks on stage. Follow that and you’ll do fine.
GLORIA
If the world was run by Stage Managers, by gosh we’d get things done! And Rosen, Stern, I was here last night - you were amazing as the Hot Dog Salesman and King Richard the Lionhearted respectively.
ROSEN (ACTOR)
You seem okay. But DO NOT mess this up. I have a guest appearance on Zillow Gone Wild riding on this.
STELLA
Okay people, we’re on in five.
SFX: Footsteps as everyone disperses. A broom sweeping comes by. Pushed by OL’ SWEEPY.
SWEEPY
All sweeping and no play makes Ol’ Sweepy a dull boy.
GLORIA
What was that, sir?
BOWDEN
And that’s just Old Sweepy. He’s just always around. Sweeping.
GLORIA
And saying very strange things, apparently.
SWEEPY
Don’t you worry. I’m just practicing my one man show. It’s about an old theater janitor, who’s always ignored by everyone until one day he’s finally had enough.
SFX: Sweepy pushes his broom away.
GLORIA
Well I didn’t care for that at all!
SFX: Clyde walks up.
PROP MASTER (CLYDE)
Gloria? We need to fit you for the wedding dress in the wedding scene.
BOWDEN
The wedding scene. I guess we never really rehearsed that one...
GLORIA
It didn’t seem like you wanted to. I didn’t want to push…
SFX: Beep beep.
DR. PICKLE (ON COMMS)
AGENT KOVAK, COME IN! EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE, DEAR! Jambo got detained by customs because all he had in his suitcase was forks and marbles and Emile was supposed to get the rental car, but the car agency has a no-skinks-inside policy and-
GLORIA
Calm down, Dr. Pickle! It’ll be okay, I’ll talk you through-
PROP MASTER (CLYDE)
Kovak! We need you over here now!
GLORIA
-while I get fitted for this dress!
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - BACK OF HOUSE
SFX: Larry leads Skip and McGrath on a tour.
LARRY
And this is the legendary mauve salon. They say a young Danny Kaye used to meet Lawrence Olivier in here to... rehearse.
MACKENZIE
He’s actually worse than Bowden.
SKIP
Larry, tell us more about this Phantom.
LARRY
Well, every old theater has its ghosts. I once saw the ghost of Elaine Stritch in a Detroit dinner theater...10 years before she died!
SKIP
Yes, but what about THIS theater? Specifics, Larry.
LARRY
Oh, you’re a Stanislavski man! Well, there have been odd things going on around here. Little things. Lights going on and off. Things going missing. The sound of doors opening and closing in empty rooms.
MACKENZIE
What sort of things have gone missing?
LARRY
Food from the concession stand. A few costumes. A couple of props - little things, nothing expensive. Little things like forks, spoons, a few candles.
SKIP
Things someone acting as a Phantom might need to survive...
LARRY
There’s almost always someone in the building, especially while the show is getting ready to open. No one has seen anyone who doesn’t belong here. Except me.
MACKENZIE
Wait, you actually SAW this “phantom”?
LARRY
Yes. I was, uh, rehearsing in the lobby when I saw a shadowy figure dash from the concessions stand. I pursued him here to the mauve lounge, but he had vanished!
SKIP
And you’re certain there’s no other way out of here?
LARRY
Only the door we came through. I think he found a way to the sewers.
MACKENZIE
We’re not in Paris, Larry. Theaters don’t have elaborate underground sewer lairs here.
LARRY
This one does. Before it was The Playhouse, this was the old water treatment plant. The entire city’s sewer system converges under us.
SKIP
Boy, talk about urban redevelopment!
MACKENZIE
Even if that’s true, how could he get there form this exitless room?
LARRY
Through the floor? Secret passage in the wall? You know... phantom stuff.
MACKENZIE
I’m going backstage to help Gloria.
SKIP
McGrath, wait! I think Larry is right.
MACKENZIE
Ok, if you’re talking in code, this time I REALLY don’t get it.
SKIP
No, I said what I mean. Ever since we met Mrs. Thatcher, I’ve been trying to use her observational methods. Notice the little things. Look at this heating vent, McGrath. What do you see?
MACKENZIE
I see a heating vent.
SKIP
The screws have been taken out. It’s just sitting in the frame. And look how worn the varnish is at the top corners. Almost like...
SFX: Skip pulls out the grate.
SKIP
Someone has been repeatedly removing it.
LARRY
Classic Phantom.
SKIP
Lead the way, Larry! Coming, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Through a vent into the abandoned sewers beneath a possibly haunted theater in pursuit of a murderous “phantom”?
SKIP
You can always go back and watch the play.
MACKENZIE
Right behind you.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - BACKSTAGE
SFX: An overture begins playing.
STELLA
Places! Everyone this is places!
BOWDEN
Are you ready, Gloria? There’s still time to call Larry back in.
GLORIA
No, I’ve got this. I’m sorry about the awkwardness before. I just really want to do this for you -
BOWDEN
You keep saying that, but Gloria, you don’t owe me anything.
GLORIA
I think I do, I -
STELLA
Montcrief, Kovak, you’re on! Go!
GLORIA
AHH! Okay here we go!
SFX: Footsteps as they rush on. Applause as Gloria walks on stage.
GLORIA (AS THE BRIDE)
“What a glorious day at the Jersey Shore this is! Say, King Richard, might I treat you to a hot dog?...”
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. THE SEWERS
SFX: Dripping water. Rats scurrying. From above, Skip, Larry, and McGrath peer down.
SKIP (ABOVE)
It’s pretty far down, but I think we can make it.
MACKENZIE (ABOVE)
Larry, you first.
LARRY (ABOVE)
Larry... descends.
SFX: Larry jumps down to the sewer floor. Splash.
LARRY
That national tour of Cats did me well! It’s safe, jump down!
SFX: Skip jumps down. Splash.
SKIP
Ohhhh...
MACKENZIE (ABOVE)
Let me guess. You landed on your keys.
SKIP
No. It’s just really really gross.
MACKENZIE (ABOVE)
Terrific.
SFX: McGrath jumps down. Splash.
MACKENZIE
A new low for us, Skip. A new low.
LARRY
It’s just how I imagined the Phantom’s lair! Well...I thought there’d be a few more velvet drapes.
MACKENZIE
This is more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles than Phantom of the Opera, Lar.
SKIP
McGrath, do NOT eat any pizza you find down here.
MACKENZIE
Skip, how are we going to get out of here? There’s no ladder back up to where we came from.
SKIP
I...don’t know.
LARRY
But this water has to be flowing SOMEWHERE. I say we follow it. That’s where we’ll find our theater ghost.
MACKENZIE
I don’t like it when Larry make sense.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. BACKSTAGE LEFT - LATER
SFX: Bowden is doing a scene on stage.
BOWDEN (AS CAMELTON)
”I’d follow you anywhere, my love!”
SFX: Applause. Bowden comes off stage, furious.
BOWDEN
For the love of Gene Hackman, what is up with the lighting guy? I know my contract stipulates good lighting at all times, but everywhere I went - BOOM, follow spot right in my face!
GLORIA
I thought that seemed weird - you could have fallen offstage! Do you think it was the phantom trying to mess with you?
BOWDEN
I know the lighting guy Lou. More likely he just had one too many Whiteclaws. Stella can you get Lou to cool it with the beams? He almost blinded me out there.
STELLA
Yeah, I’ll radio up to him.
BOWDEN
Gloria, I have go around for my stage right entrance, but keep the investigation going. See what you can find out over here.
GLORIA
Thank you five!
BOWDEN
That’s not what... no.
SFX: Bowden leaves. The shwip shwip shwip of a broom on the floorboards.
GLORIA
Mr. Old Sweepy, sir! I have a few questions.
SWEEPY
(Grunts)
GLORIA
You’ve worked here for a while. Have you seen anything strange going on lately?
SWEEPY
Well... Rosen and Stern were speaking in tongues the other day.
GLORIA
Tongues? What do you mean?
SWEEPY
Something about “red leather, yellow leather” over and over again.
GLORIA
Oh. That’s not tongues, that’s just a theater warm up.
SFX: Beep beep.
GLORIA
Excuse me.
(she clicks her comms)
How’s Cuba, Dr. Pickle?
DR. PICKLE (ON COMMS)
So we were able to get the car like you said, but... Jambo parked it in front of a fire hydrant and it seems it’s been towed.
GLORIA
What?! Okay, go to the impound and offer them 150 Cuban pesos to release it before they log it into the system. I gave Emile the mission per diem.
DR. PICKLE (ON COMMS)
Okay. It’s just that there’s another situation also. Emile’s been arrested. It seems he has a reputation in Havana as an infamous cigar smuggler.
GLORIA
Okay, Emile is probably being held at the station on Calle Veintiuno-
SWEEPY
Uh... you still need me?
GLORIA
Sorry! Yes, Mr. Sweepy stay there-
STELLA
Gloria, get ready you’re on in two!
GLORIA
Aww jeez! Ok, I’m coming!
QUICK TRANSITION TO
INT. BACKSTAGE RIGHT - SAME
BOWDEN
Okay Bowden. You got this. You are the Cary Grant of your generation. No one is trying to murder you-
SFX: Pwomph! A wooden door opens.
BLOOM
Hey Bowden-
BOWDEN
Ahhhh! Bloom? Why were you in the stage sarcophagus?
BLOOM
Gotta make sure it’s ready for Act 3. Also, there are new pages for this scene. Here you go.
BOWDEN
New pages! Four lines before I go on? How am I supposed to-
BLOOM
No time! You got this, you’re the Cary Grant of your generation, go!
BOWDEN
Oh well when you put it that way-
SFX: TRANSITION NOISE
INT. PLAYHOUSE - AUDIENCE
BOWDEN (AS CAMELTON)
”Ah, my love!”
GLORIA (AS THE BRIDE)
”Darling! You shouldn’t be seeing me before the wedding, it’s bad luck!”
BOWDEN (AS CAMELTON) (Reading the new pages)
”I’ve come to tell you it’s over.”
GLORIA
Wh...whaa?
BOWDEN (AS CAMELTON) (Reading new pages)
”I can no longer avoid my destiny. If Han and Leia are in trouble, then I must travel to Bespin!”
(As himself, to himself)
What the hell is this?
GLORIA (AS THE BRIDE) (Improving her way out)
”What a funny way to say you’ve been avoiding my father.”
SFX: The play goes on in the background.
ZELDA
What the hell is going on up there?
GARY
I’ve seen worse. Say, Pat, you wanna come back to my place and watch a tape of Bowden in Annie? It’s Boffo!
PAT
No thank you, Gary.
ATHENA
Hey Zelda. My men in Cuba say they’re 20 clicks away from the weapons stash.
ZELDA
I’m going backstage.
PAT
I’m sure Gloria has it sorted out. If something were truly wrong, Skip would tell you.
ZELDA
I wish I had my CBD pill.
DR. WILES
Great idea! I raided Studebaker’s stash before I left! Might help the play make sense.
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - BACKSTAGE
BOWDEN
Where the hell is that producer?
STELLA
I haven’t seen him. Go get changed for the next scene.
GLORIA
Bowden, what was that out there?!
BOWDEN
The producer handed me those new lines just as I was going on! When I get my hands on him -
SFX: A door opens.
BLOOM
You’ll give him a great big hug?
BOWDEN
What are you doing in the janitor’s closet?
BLOOM
Oh, is that what this is? I was looking for the bar! I get so lost back here, I don’t know how you actors do it.
BOWDEN
What the hell were those pages you gave me? George Lucas fan fiction? Gloria didn’t have new pages - she was totally thrown!
BLOOM
I didn’t know that! I’m sorry, guy. The director handed me those pages, he told me to get them to you asap. I guess I should have known better than to mess with the creative stuff. Now... off to find that bar!
SFX: He walks off.
BOWDEN
That’s not the way to the...oh, forget it.
GLORIA
Stella, can you call up to the booth? I want to know why Bowden was sent these fake pages.
STELLA (ON HEADSET)
Lou, can you put Rogelio on?
SFX: A muffled response.
STELLA
Lou says Rogelio went to watch from the balcony after the first scene.
GLORIA
So the person who gave Bo faulty pages isn’t where he’s supposed to be? That’s not suspicious at all!
BOWDEN
Gloria, I’ve got the big tennis scene next. You head to the light box and find out what’s up with Rogelio.
GLORIA
On it!
SFX: Footsteps as Bowden walks away. Static burst!
PICKLE (COMMS)
Agent Kovak? We got Emile out of jail, but now Jambo found a lost baby shoe in the street and he’s crying.
GLORIA
Yeah, he does that. Okay, check the emergency go-bag, there’s a photo of a corgi in a bathing suit-
MUSIC: TRANSITION
GLORIA (STILL ON HER CALL)
... and make sure Emile is driving! Jambo will beg to but he stops at every fruit cart he sees and you’ll never make it on time. Report back when that’s done.
SFX: Footsteps as Bowden approaches.
BOWDEN
Okay, my monologue about fracking went okay - no issues. Did you find out anything in the light booth?
GLORIA
Oh no! Pickle called and I never made it there. I’m so sorry Bowden-
BOWDEN
It’s okay, I know you’re doing a hundred things at once. We’ll check it out after the next scene.
GLORIA
Right! The rehearsal dinner. The one before... the wedding.
BOWDEN
Yeah. I hope you don’t feel too weird, playing The Bride.
GLORIA
It’s okay. But, yeah. We never talked about when you-
SFX: Footsteps as the Stella comes over.
STELLA
Okay, 60 seconds until go. Remember Bowden, we’re working with real food and drink tonight. So take small bites and be smart about when you chew. No one wants to watch you yap with your trap full.
BOWDEN
I know. Gosh, you’d think I never worked with food onstage before.
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - ON STAGE
BOWDEN (AS CAMELTON)
“... so let us raise a glass. To matrimony. To each other. To this evening. To the oasis of calm that love provides in a mad world.”
SFX: Bowden takes a drink and then explodes in a coughing fit.
BOWDEN (through coughs)
SABOTEUR!
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION TO
INT. BACKSTAGE LEFT - MOMENTS LATER
SFX: Bowden rushes backstage.
BOWDEN
That was vodka! Bottom shelf vodka! Someone swapped out the Diet Fiji Water that, per my contract, was supposed to be there. Alright, where is this phantom!? They have the audacity to mess with my opening night? They will feel my wrath... My agent Gary’s wrath.
GLORIA
It’s intermission, so we have some time to put an end to this. We can still save the show, we just need to think logically. I don’t know where Rogelio is, but he’s not backstage so he wouldn’t have had the chance to mess with the drink. So, who would have?
BOWDEN
The Prop Master!
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
INT. PROP ROOM - FOLLOWING
SFX: Clyde sits at his worktable, hammering away at something.
SFX: More hurried footsteps.
GLORIA
Hey! Mr. Prop Master Clyde! We’ve got a bone to pick with you, if you’ve got a moment to spare!
PROP MASTER (CLYDE)
I swear, it was an accident! I didn’t mean to blow up the quarry!
BOWDEN
What? We’re talking about you messing with the show! The light cues, the alcohol in my glass?
PROP MASTER (CLYDE)
I have no idea what you’re talking about!
GLORIA
Is that so? We’ll see about that! Attack!
SFX: Gloria pounces on Clyde.
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - LOBBY
ATHENA
Hey Zelda, seems like Gloria’s busy, so if you really want in on this weapon’s stash, I can cut you a good deal, if you ask nicely.
ZELDA
If I find out you had anything to do with ANY of this...
ATHENA
I’d love to chat, but you know how long the line at the ladies room gets. Be a dear, woudn’t you, and grab me a French 75 at the bar.
ZELDA
(Growls)
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
INT. SEWER - THE LAIR
SFX: Larry, Skip and McGrath trudge through the shit.
MACKENZIE
I can’t go on. Just leave me here to die in this sea of human waste.
SKIP
Make that two.
LARRY
We must press on! I can feel the Phantom upon me!
MACKENZIE
I don’t want to think about what I feel upon me.
SKIP
Actually... do I feel the water level... decreasing?
MACKENZIE
I... think you’re right! Back there, I was up to my calf in crap. Now I’m just up to my ankles.
SKIP
Something must be blocking the flow.
SFX: Crunch.
MACKENZIE
Ouch!
SKIP
Are you alright?
MACKENZIE
Yeah, I just stepped on something.
SFX: Crunch.
SKIP
Me too!
SFX: Crunch.
LARRY
Me three!
SKIP
What is all this stuff?
SFX: McGrath pulls something from the water.
MACKENZIE
It’s an action figure. Still in the box. It’s... a NINJA TURTLE!
SKIP
OOOH! Is it Michelangelo?
MACKENZIE
“Limited edition Broadway series”? God, they’re adapting everything these days!
LARRY
Let me see that!
SFX: Larry snatches the toy as they resume walking.
LARRY
My God. The legends are true.
SKIP
Larry?
LARRY
A few years ago, all of Broadway was abuzz about the latest blockbuster musical: Teenage MUSIC Ninja Turtles. It was poised to sweep the Tonys...
MACKENZIE
But...
LARRY
It closed after the first preview! Right here at The Playhouse. It never even made it to the Great White Way. The producers lost everything. In fact, they had made so much tie-in merchandise that they only way to make their money back was to write it off in their insurance...
MACKENZIE
...And then they just flushed it all down the sewer!
SKIP
Such wasteful pollution. Michelangelo would not approve. But Larry, why was the show such a disaster?
LARRY
Hard to say. It had all the markings of a hit. Oscar winning composer, Emmy winning book writers, and the cast! Kristen Chenoweth! Josh Gad! Ted McGinley! Actually, that may have been it. Everything McGinley gets cast in is canceled or closes. The McGinley curse... oh!
SFX: They come to halt.
MACKENZIE
Is that...
SKIP
A throne made out of abandoned Ninja Turtle merchandise? Yes. Yes it is.
LARRY
The craftsmanship is amazing. Look at how he’s used human waste as a sort of caulking agent! This the Phantom’s liar alright!
SKIP
The missing props and costumes too! Someone’s been living down here! Look! On the walls!
MACKENZIE
Dozens of copies of Bowden’s headshot... with the eyes gauged out! There really is a phantom! Skip, we have to warn Bowden!
LARRY
Agents, come quick! Behind the throne - a ladder! It must lead back up to the theater! Follow me! Larry... ascendant!
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - BACKSTAGE
SFX: A closet door opening.
PROP MASTER (CLYDE)
Unhand me! Let me go!
BOWDEN
Sorry, guy, you’re going to have to stay in the prop closet until after the show.
SFX: They shove him in over his protests and shut the door.
GLORIA
We’ll deal with him later. I’m due back on soon. It’s the...
BOWDEN
The wedding scene.
GLORIA
Yes! The wedding scene. See, I can say it.
BOWDEN
Gloria, this doesn’t have to be awkward. It’s just a play. Granted, someone’s trying to kill us while we do it, but we’re used to that.
GLORIA
I know. It’s just that--
SFX: Beep beep.
GLORIA
Oh not now!
SFX: Comms on.
GLORIA
What is it?
DR. PICKLE (ON COMMS)
Sorry to bother you again, Agent Kovak, but Lt. Jambo is having some sort of Vietnam flashback…
GLORIA
Jambo didn’t serve in ‘nam!
JAMBO (ON COMMS)
I ordered pho with extra spring rolls and they send me ZERO spring rolls! ZERO SPRING ROLLS!
GLORIA
Oh jeez. Okay, here’s what you do. Tell Emile to sing “Edelweiss”...
SFX: Gloria walks way.
BOWDEN
It’s okay. We’ll talk later.
STELLA
Montcrief! Get in the wing, it’s almost your cue!
BOWDEN
Thank you, cue.
STELLA
What’s your problem?
BOWDEN
My problem? Oh nothing. It’s just that I’m waiting for my girlfriend to answer my marriage proposal and after avoiding it for more than half a year, she takes on the lead role in a play where we have to pretend getting married and it’s awful and awkward and we STILL can’t really talk about it because we’re busy trying to track down a killer. AS USUAL.
STELLA
Uh right. Well... uh... I gotta go find the props guy.
SFX: She walks away.
STELLA (As she goes)
Actors.
BOWDEN
Okay, Montcrief, pull it together. This is the big scene. Just gotta go out there and knock ‘em dea...
SFX: WHACK! Somebody hits Bowden on the back of the head and he crumbles. We heard WILD LAUGHTER from a mysterious voice.
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - ON STAGE
SFX: Gloria walks on stage.
GLORIA (AS THE BRIDE)
”Oh, to think that in just a few minutes I’ll be Mrs. Camelton! I can’t wait and I don’t care about curses anymore, I want to see you before we walk down the aisle!”
(Beat.)
“I said I want to see you before we walk down the aisle!”
ATHENA (FROM AUDIENCE)
Looks like he got cold feet, sweetie!
GLORIA
Oh Jesus, Athena!? I mean..
(back in character)
“Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom, has made me unafraid to see my groom-to-be before we take out vows! Come out and show yourself, beloved...”
ATHENA (FROM AUDIENCE)
He’s not coming!
DR. WILES (FROM AUDIENCE)
Are we doing a Rocky Horror thing now? I forgot my toliet paper!
GLORIA (AS THE BRIDE)
”No matter. I shall wait for my groom no matter how long it takes. And, in the meantime, I’ll... I’ll remember how we met! Ah yes! It was brisk winter’s night and we were walking...”
SFX: TRANSITION NOISE
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - DRESSING ROOM
SFX: Groggy, Bowden comes to. He’s tied to a chair. The ropes tighten as he struggles against them.
BOWDEN
Wha- what’s going on? My head hurts worse than Chris Rock’s face at the 2023 Oscars. Why- why am I tied up... wait... Bloom? What the hell is this? What kind of producer are you?
BLOOM
I’m not a producer, Mr. Montcrief. I’m surprised you don’t recognize your own kind.
BOWDEN
IBS survivors?
BLOOM
No.
BOWDEN
Oh, an actor! Wait... What the hell is going on?
BLOOM
Perhaps you’ll know me by my real name. Ted McGinley.
BOWDEN
Ted McGinley... oh Christ. I know all about you. You sank every production you’ve ever been a part of! TV, stage... you’re the kiss of death in show business!
MCGINLEY
Secrets of a Tax Inspector went on for six seasons after I joined! But that’s not as good of a story, is it? And oh, does the public like a story. You’re right. I was branded the pariah of show-business. Cursed. Unhireable. For nigh on a decade, no one would work with me. Not even Alec Baldwin. And then, finally a blessing came in the form of Teenage Music Ninja Turtles. It had all the ingredients of a smash hit. We even had Subway Sandwiches producing. It was a dream. And then the actor playing Raphael sank us. He tweeted that he thinks Dolly Parton is overrated.
BOWDEN
Okay, wow. Some people... just take it too far.
MCGINLEY
It was too late. Everyone assumed I’d sunk another show.
BOWDEN
That’s tough. I really feel for you. But you gotta hang in there! Maybe make something of your own. There’s this new thing, podcasting.
MCGINLEY
As always, you’re two steps behind, Mr. Montcrief. I took my destiny into my own hands and wrote my own show. My magnum opus. The perfect combination of artistic resonance and commercial viability. Camelton.
BOWDEN
You wrote Camelton: Turn off the Wedding?
MCGINLEY
Of course. It didn’t take long for its genius to be recognized. I brought it to the producers at Subway+. They showered me with money and contracts... but they still refused to cast me. And they took my name off! Because I was cursed. They ripped it away from me and gave the part to you. Imagine getting recast with the guy from the Jackass musical.
BOWDEN
I thought I was pretty good in that!
MCGINLEY
I swore I would stop at nothing to reclaim my part. I figured if you were sidelined with the stomach flu, they’d be desperate for anyone who knows your part to step in.
BOWDEN
You got Cressida sick!
MCGINLEY
That was meant for you. I thought if you performed badly they’d be willing to replace you, even mid show. But you’ve recovered from each misstep and foiled me at every turn. So now you’ve left me no choice but to go onstage as you.
BOWDEN
How are you going to do that?
MCGINLEY
With this SnapFace machine here. Quite a modern marvel. And you’ve conveniently included a vocoder, how kind. It’s my ticket on stage - and then I’ll show everyone just how good I am.
SFX: McGinley snaps a photo of Bowden and prints out a mask.
BOWDEN
When everyone finds out, they won’t work with you. There’s actor crazy and then there’s crazy-crazy. Not even Matthew McConaughey could come back from this!
MCGINLEY
But they won’t find out. Not until I’ve proven myself. I can live as Bowden Montcrief for a while - it might not even be so bad with Abbott and Costello: Vampire Hunters coming out. It does mean there are now one too many Bowden Montcriefs, so one of them has to be taken out of the picture. Permanently.
SFX: He takes out a noose.
BOWDEN
What’s that you-- woah woah woah! A noose!?! You are taking this Phantom of the Opera thing too far!
MCGINLEY
What’s Phantom of the Opera?
SFX: Bowden grunts as McGinley puts the noose around his neck.
BOWDEN
You’re seriously gonna murder me? Over Camelton??? You can have the role, go on, I won’t stop you!
SFX: McGinley strings Bowden up on a rafter.
MCGINLEY
It’s too late. You know too much and you could go to the press at any time. I am sorry Bowden. You didn’t know this would happen when you took the role. And I want you to know: it’s not personal.
SFX: He puts the mask and vocoder on.
MCGINLEY (AS BOWDEN)
It’s showbiz.
BOWDEN
No, no, don’t kick the chair--!
SFX: A thud as McGinley kicks the chair out from under Bowden, leaving him dangling. McGinley leaves. Bowden strains, gasps for breath.
SFX: TRANSITION NOISE
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - ON STAGE
GLORIA (AS THE BRIDE) (Still vamping)
”And so I convinced my father to bless the marriage, sobered up the minister, got my greedy cousin away from my friend the heiress, walked the dog, cleaned the kitchen, memorized my vows, now all I need is MY FINANCE TO GET HERE.”
SFX: “Bowden” runs onto stage.
MCGINLEY (AS BOWDEN AS CAMELTON)
“My darling! Forgive my tardiness- just tying up a loose end.”
GLORIA
Oh thank God.
(Back in character)
“It’s been quite a day, darling. Are you sure you still want to go through with the wedding?”
MCGINLEY (AS BOWDEN AS CAMELTON)
“Of course! Come here, my love! I can’t wait to hear those wedding bells chime!”
SFX: Static burst
DR. PICKLE (ON COMMS)
Rand McNally to Big Skinker. Good news and bad news, I’m afraid.
GLORIA (Trying to stay in character)
“Oh, tell me good news, darling.”
MCGINLEY (AS BOWDEN)(Thrown by the improv)
Good news?
DR. PICKLE (ON COMMS)
The weapons have been secured. But... Emile and Jambo aren’t speaking. Jambo says he won’t fly the plane until Emile apologizes.
GLORIA (AS THE BRIDE)
Uh huh. “Where should we honeymoon?”
MCGINLEY (AS BOWDEN AS CAMELTON)
“Honeymoon?”
GLORIA (AS THE BRIDE)
“I think we should go to Cuba! As soon as possible!”
MCGINLEY (AS BOWDEN AS CAMELTON)
Why would you want to go to Cuba?
GLORIA (AS THE BRIDE)
“Because I just love their sandwiches. You know the ones with JAM-on and PICKLE!”
DR. PICKLE (ON COMMS)
Yes, that does sound good, but what should I do?
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - AUDIENCE
ZELDA
Cuba. I knew it. The mission is in Jeopardy.
ATHENA
Still time to get in on this deal Zelda. What say I cut you in at twice market value?
ZELDA
Shut up.
GARY
You know Pat, these two crazy characters kind of remind me of us.
PAT
In so far as their relationship is fictional?
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - DRESSING ROOM
SFX: The rope creaks. Bowden gasps for air.
BOWDEN (On his last breath)
Can’t. Hold. Self. Up. Much. Longer. Shouldn’t. Have. Skipped. Arm. Day.
SFX: Choking intensifies. Scary!!
SFX: BAM! A trap door opens!
MACKENZIE
Yes!! I knew that tunnel would lead us somewhere backstage.
SKIP
Boy am I glad to be out of - OH MY GOD, BOWDEN! Hold on, I’ll get you down! McGrath, hold him up by the legs! Just gotta untie this knot-
SFX: Swishhhhh as the rope whirs through the notch it’s suspended in. THUD as Bowden drops to the ground. Bowden gasps for air, trying to regain his breath.
LARRY
Oh, I can help! I know CPR, here, I’ll give you mouth-to-mouth.
SFX: Larry starts to give Bowden CPR. It’s gross. Bowden pushes Larry away.
BOWDEN
What? Stop, I’m not unconscious you buffoon!
SFX: He finishes catching his breath
BOWDEN
I’m happier to see you than the Nielsen overnights!
SKIP
We have so much to tell you! We found a lair! There IS a Phantom!
BOWDEN
Way ahead of you. He just tried to murder me for a role. And it’s not even in a Marvel film! He printed out a Snapface mask of me so he could take my role.
MACKENZIE
So he’s...
ALL
Onstage with Gloria!
SFX: TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - ON STAGE
GLORIA (AS THE BRIDE)
“We can talk about Cuba all you want my love, but after we get married.”
DR. PICKLE (ON COMMS)
Now Emile has drawn a line down the jet and is insisting Jambo stay on his side.
GLORIA (AS THE BRIDE)
“You know what I can’t wait for, dear Camelton? Our wedding feast!”
MCGINLEY (AS BOWDEN) (whispering)
What are you doing? That’s not the line!!
(in character)
I think you mean “the hour of our nuptials at last approaches!”
DR. PICKLE (ON COMMS)
Ohhhh, I don’t know what gesture Emile is making, but I don’t think I like it.
GLORIA (AS THE BRIDE)
“And we will eat everything our heart desires! Bananas! Totino’s Pizza Rolls! Cuban sugar ants!”
MCGINLEY (AS BOWDEN AS CAMELTON)
Uh... “My dear, you seem to have taken a fever!”
(whispering)
Get it together, floozy! You’re ruining this!
GLORIA (whispering)
Floozy!! Oh, we are gonna talk about this later-
(in character)
“All we have to do is EAT. And make sure everyone is fed. So they do not get HANGRY.”
MCGINLEY (AS BOWDEN) (whispering)
Hangry? These aren’t the lines! Get it together! You won’t like it if I have to make you get it together.
GLORIA (whispers)
It’s for Emile! What’s wrong with you?
MCGINLEY (AS BOWDEN) (Grabbing Gloria)
That’s it! You will NOT ruin my play!
SFX: Skip, McGrath, and Bowden rush onto stage. GASPS from the audience.
SKIP
Gloria!
BOWDEN
Get away from her!
DR. WILES (FROM AUDIENCE)
TWO Bowdens? No one told me there’d be clones!
ATHENA (FROM AUDIENCE)
Hmm. That’s an interesting choice.
MACKENZIE
Gloria, get away from him!
LARRY
It’s the Phantom!
BOWDEN
No! Well, yes, but McGinley is Bloom! And Bloom is the Phantom!
MCGINLEY (AS BOWDEN)
Finally, the truth comes out...
SFX: Ripping the mask and vocoder off.
MCGINLEY
...Just in time for the grand finale!
SFX: He pulls out a gun and cocks it.
SKIP
He’s got a gun!
BOWDEN
GLORIA! Let her go, McGinley. It’s me you want.
MCGINLEY
I want it ALL! This stage was the setting for my greatest failure - and it should have been the setting for my greatest comeback. But you have ruined it all. You and your friends and your... woman.
LARRY (FROM ABOVE)
Unhand her, you fiend!
MCGINLEY
What? Who’s that?
LARRY (FROM ABOVE)
Larry descendant!!!
SFX: Larry grabs a support rope and plummets down to the stage with a crash. In the chaos, Gloria grabs McGinley’s arm and flips him on to his back!
GLORIA
Hi-keeba! Good distraction, Larry! You have messed with the wrong bride, buster!
SFX: She gives him a swift kick.
GLORIA
You thought you could impersonate my fiancé? Not with my friends here to support me. NOT WITH ST. HERMIONE WATCHING OVER ME!
DR. PICKLE (ON COMMS)
Oh yes? Hello?
GLORIA
I just remembered an old saying my grandmother passed down to me. “If you’re ever in a PICKLE, give a Emile something to eat and he’ll apologize to Jambo and FLY THE PLANE OUT OF CUBA!”
DR. WILES (FROM AUDIENCE)
She must have been from the old country.
ATHENA (FROM AUDIENCE)
This is the worst play ever.
MCGINLEY
You wretched last minute replacement! You’ve ruined my show!
DR. PICKLE (ON COMMS)
Agent Kovak, it worked! Emile ate a Pop Tart and he’s like a new man! Er, Skink. Anyway, we’re taking off!
GLORIA
But you, Mr. Bloom-McGinley-Phantom will not ruin MY wedding. You’re under arrest and my mission is complete. I CAN do it all. I am the bride and I’m in love with Camelton. This is my life. And, dear Camelton, my love, if I have to spend my whole life with just one person...
GLORIA & BOWDEN
Then I want to spent it with you!
BOWDEN (To the gang)
Everybody - jazz hands!
EVERYONE (jazz whisper)
CAMELTON!
SFX: Silence. Then... UPROARIOUS APPLAUSE!
MACKENZIE
They... LIKED it?
PAT (FROM AUDIENCE)
Very good. Very…understandable?
LARRY (Coming to)
Auntie Em?
MACKENZIE
Go back to Oz, Larry.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - LOBBY
SFX: The audience shuffles out, chattering about how good the show was.
ZELDA
Agent Kovak, you and I are going to have a LOOOONG conversation about proper missions procedures, and biting off more than you can chew... but two missions completed in one night, thousands of miles apart? Excellent work.
GLORIA
Thank you, Section Chief.
ZELDA
So Athena. Guess you’ll have some unhappy customers when they don’t get their weapons.
ATHENA
Cuba? You thought I actually had my people on that? Oh honey, arms dealing is so three months ago. I got the heads up the weapons were up for grabs... but do you know how much money I’m making now that I’m in tech? Who do you think tipped off the EMF?
ZELDA
WHAAAT?
ATHENA
I heard who the other people angling for them were and... let’s just say they’re better off in your vault. You’re welcome.
ZELDA (Brain broken)
You? But... but..
PAT
Here comes the man of the hour!
SFX: Applause as Bowden comes into the lobby.
BOWDEN
You’re the stars. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. No autographs, please! Oh, who am I kidding? Autographs all around!
MACKENZIE
Say, Bowden, is there a cast party or something? I’m STARVING.
BOWDEN
There is... but... to be frank, McGrath, you smell like crap.
SKIP
We could definitely use a shower. And series of tetanus shots.
BOWDEN
Tell you what, head back to your place, shower up, and Gloria and I will come over with cheesesteaks for everybody!
MACKENZIE
I’ve NEVER liked you so much.
DR. WILES
Sounds good! Can I get mine with lab grown meat?
GARY
Boffo! Socko! Say, Pat, can I give you a ride in my... Ford Focus?
PAT
No thank you, Gary. I’m going to let my WIFE drive me.
GARY (Going off)
Boffo! Who’s your wife?
BOWDEN
Gloria, I have to grab my things out of the dressing room. Care to join me?
GLORIA
Yes. I think... it’s time we talked.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. THE PLAYHOUSE - DRESSING ROOM
SFX: The door shuts.
GLORIA
Okay. Let’s talk.
BOWDEN
First, the easy part. You were great tonight. Like, blows-my-mind amazing. Now the less fun part: We need to talk about the proposal. I know it’s uncomfortable. But I almost died... and we need to.
GLORIA
Okay. You’re right... (Tense pause)
BOWDEN
Gloria, it’s okay. You can say it. You don’t want to marry me. I thought we were both on the same page about what this was, but if we’re not, and you’re not sure about me... you need to tell me.
GLORIA
No! No, no, no, no no.... No, that’s not it at all! I love you. You’re it for me.
BOWDEN
So you do want to marry me? This is just getting more confusing. If Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere back there, I swear-
GLORIA
The thing with us getting married... It’s not - how do I-...?
BOWDEN
It’s okay. Take a second.
GLORIA
I do want to marry you. But I don’t think you should propose to me.
BOWDEN
.... Tell me why.
GLORIA
One night in grad school, I was deep in an all night study session. My brain was absolutely fried and I needed a quick reset. I’d heard about this show Acquaintances so I watched the first episode. And there was that scene where your character thought the monkey was running the antiques shop so you were haggling with it...
BOWDEN
That was improvised.
GLORIA
I just burst out laughing. I was running on about 50 minutes of sleep, in no place to laugh. But you did that. You’re amazing and I just... I see it in you. I know you’re going to be in amazing films and go to premieres with huge stars. And I also know that I can’t go on that journey with you.
BOWDEN
What do you mean?
GLORIA
I’m a full on Special Agent now and I’m committed to it. I can do real good, I won’t walk away from that. And you’re part of the EMF so you’re a part of my world. But when it comes to all the Hollywood stuff, the flashing cameras and paparazzi.... I know how important it is to you, but I can’t commit to your life the same way you’re a part of mine. It’s imbalanced. And it’s not fair to you.
BOWDEN
You can be part of both worlds! I’m an actor, I still go on missions and-
GLORIA
And you’re an actor, first and foremost. I’m a spy, first and foremost. I can’t do what you do. You can walk both worlds. I’m fully in this one. And I want it that way. But I almost missed your opening night tonight and you deserve someone who can commit to your big moments. To holding your purse on the red carpet without fielding calls the entire time.
BOWDEN
It’s a satchel.
GLORIA
I didn’t say yes because you deserve to have someone with you through all the premieres. The awards. Because they’re coming. I know they are... and I know that’s a mission Special Agent Kovak might have to reject. So when you asked me…when you asked me to marry you, it was what I always wanted... but it was also at the WORST time! Terry Millionaire was about to beat us and we thought we’d lost Skip to the Dark EMF and then we were private eyes and things just got crazy... and I wasn’t ready for this to end, so I didn’t bring it up. But I was being selfish and now we’re both at the precipe of something big. Neither of us should have to sacrifice that. And I need to be honest with you. So this is me being honest.
BOWDEN
Gloria... You’re the most astounding, incredible woman I’ve ever met. But MY GOD YOU CAN BE A BONEHEAD SOMETIMES!
GLORIA
What!? I’m doing the noble thing!
BOWDEN
You think having to miss premieres and photoshoots is a reason I wouldn’t want to marry you? Or that high-achieving famesters is the only type of actor spouse to be? Hell, Seth Meyers is married to a lawyer so unknown even he doesn’t know her name.
(gasp)
I could be like Dolly Parton.
GLORIA
Are you sure that’s what you want?
BOWDEN
Hell yes! If it means I can marry you? That’s what I want. End of discussion. Plus, it opens up award ceremony plus one spots. You know McGrath would kill me if she never got to try the appetizers at the Golden Globes. And oh my god, Skip and Werner Herzog would have tons to talk about. I can’t believe THIS is why we’ve been skating around the subject!
GLORIA (BURSTING INTO TEARS)
I- I’m sorry! I know I should have said but... I was scared and... god, I’ve just been so stressed!
BOWDEN
Shhh, come here. It’s okay.
SFX: He pulls her into a big hug.
BOWDEN
The good news is, now I can unfreeze all of those bakery orders. We have cakes to taste, DJs to politely listen to until we decide we’re going with a band-
GLORIA
That’s the other thing...
BOWDEN
What?
GLORIA
I... don’t want a big wedding. I’m sure the whole 300 person wedding with ice sculptures and six flash mobs is what you’ve dreamed of, but... we’re secret agents. Things need to be on the down low. We saw what happened with Chet and Athena’s volcano wedding! I couldn’t bear it if someone got hurt. But if the big wedding is a deal breaker, then I totally understand, Bowden, and it’s -
BOWDEN
Say no more. No big wedding. We’ll elope.
GLORIA
Elope?
BOWDEN
This weekend, if you want.
GLORIA
Oh my god. You really mean it.
BOWDEN
I do.
GLORIA
Well, then, Bowden? There’s just one more thing.
BOWDEN
Oh no. What is it?
GLORIA
Ask me. Again.
BOWDEN
What?
GLORIA
Ask me again.
BOWDEN
Oh!! Oh, okay then! Gloria Kovak: will you marry me?
GLORIA
YES!!!!!!!!!
BOWDEN
HUZZAH!!!
MUSIC: END CREDITS
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowign. Associate producer Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written by J. Michael DeAngelis and Paige Klaniecki and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.
It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice
Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Prime Minister Nina
and Bob Killion as Security Guy, Clyde, Jambo, and Gary
Guest Starring
John Dowgin as President Henson
James Gard as Vice President Powers
Rebecca Serfass as Stage Manager Stella
Julia Duffy as Cressida
Shannon Perry as Dr. Pickle
J. Michael DeAngelis as Larry Hastings
Benn Iffring as Head Usher
Kristin Norrine as Dr. Wiles
Tim Sherburn as Leonardo Bloom
Dave Serfass as Ol' Sweepy
and Sarah Rhea Werner as Pat
Music by Pete Barry
Sound editing and mixing by John Dowgin
Do I resent having to read an extra long cast list when my character doesn't even appear in the episode? Well, let's just say this is normally where I would tell you to visit www.patreon.com/missionrejected to support us. Instead, I'll just say this has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2024 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
SFX: Mission Voice blows a raspberry.
MUSIC FADES.
INT. SUBWAY+ EXECUTIVE OFFICES - DAY
SFX: The chatter of a few execs around a conference table.
EXECUTIVE
Thanks for coming everyone. Now, in this mercurial entertainment landscape, we all know how important it is to find fresh, innovative content with a clear perspective. And of course, we want any content we produce to fit the Subway+ brand. So, five dollars and a foot long, am I right fellas? Hahahah, okay. We’ve had some small hits and a little buzz, but I think I’ve finally found something that’s going to take next Subway Sandwich Streaming Service to the next level. It’s a one man show and we were lucky enough to get the genius behind it to come perform it for you now. Please welcome... Ol’ Sweepy!
SFX: A door opens and Ol’ Sweepy enters. Sweeping.
OL’ SWEEPY
Thanks for having me ladies and gentlemen. I present to you “‘Tis a Pity She’s a Mop Bucket: The Story of a Janitor Who’s Had Enough.”
MUSIC: STINGER