Season Five, Episode Four: Murder, She Plagiarized
Transcript

INT. CONGRESS

MUSIC: News theme.

NEWSCASTER STEVE
Welcome back to Congressional Corner. I’m your host, legendary anchorman Steve Connors. Today, the investigation into the bizarre attack on a congressional briefing last month, with testimony from Secretary of Defense Chet Phillips himself. Speaker of the House Fran Nelson is headed to the podium now. Let’s listen.

SFX: The Speaker of the House bangs a gavel.

SPEAKER
Hear ye, hear ye, the 504th meeting of this congress is now in session. Today, we will be hearing testimony Secretary of Defense Phillips. Mr. Phillips, will you state your full name for the record.

CHET
Chester Ambrose Phillips III, but my friends call me Chet.

SPEAKER
Thank you, Chet.

CHET
You can call me Secretary of Defense Phillips.

SFX: Laughs from the crowd. They love Chet.

SPEAKER
Mr. Secretary, you have chosen to lead the investigation into the attempt on your own life. Wouldn’t it have been more prudent to have the special investigator we selected -

CHET
Oh, would that be one Mr. Joseph Agador, formerly of the Secret Service?

SPEAKER
Yes.

CHET
The same Mr. Joseph Agador who recently purchased a summer home in Palm Beach, despite having declared bankruptcy twice in the past ten year?

SPEAKER
I don’t know anything about Mr. Agador’s finances.

CHET
OH DON’T YOU? Because it seems odd to me that Mr. Agador’s personal finance advisor is your brother-in-law, Madam Speaker.

SPEAKER
I assure you I had no idea!

CHET
Did you also have no idea that your brother-in-law’s brother-in-law, from his middle sister’s second marriage, runs the catering company that owns and operates the coffee carts here in Congress?

SPEAKER
I, uh...

CHET
The very same coffee carts who employed Douglas Joyce, the man who attacked me and is also the co-signer on Joseph Agador’s Palm Beach summer home, paid for via a transfer from YOUR bank account, Madam Speaker, via your brother-in-law the financial advisor.

SPEAKER
This is outrageous.

CHET
I quite literally have brought the receipts.

SFX: He thumbs a stack of receipts into the mic. The crowd gasps.

CHET
You orchestrated the entire attack. I don’t know why -

SPEAKER
BECAUSE I HATE YOU, CHET PHILLIPS!

CHET
Oh come on. Everybody loves me.

SPEAKER
You ignored me on the playground in grade school! When we were in middle school, you borrowed my Nintendo and never gave it back! When we were in high school, you cheated off my exams! And when we were in college, YOU DATED MY MOTHER!

CHET
OH. You’re that Fran Nelson. Hey, way to hold a grudge! Officers, arrest the speaker of the house. How is your mom, by the way, still single?

SFX: The Speaker wails. Gasps and chaos as the speaker is taken away in cuffs.

NEWSCASTER STEVE
Absolute chaos here on the house floor! I haven’t seen madness like this since Spiro Agnew’s memorial. Congressman Flowers now coming to the podium calling for some sort of sanity from the crowd.

SFX: Gavel bangs.

FLOWERS
Order! Order! Mr. Phillips, you sit before a very grateful congress - nay, a grateful nation. Uncovering a plot like this in the heart of our government...we need more leaders like you. In fact, I hereby move that given our sudden need for a new Speaker of the House, that Chet Phillips be voted in immediately!

CHET
Uhhh...

FLOWERS
All in favor?

SFX: The entire Congress shouts “AYE!”

FLOWERS
Any opposed? (Silence) MOTION PASSES! Congratulations, Mr. Speaker!

CHET
Uh...rejected?

THEME MUSIC!

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “Murder, She Plagiarized.”

INT. EMF CONFERENCE ROOM

SFX: Bleeps and bloops. The door opens. Skip.

SKIP (ENTERING)
Thank you all for coming...oh, we seem to be short a Bowden.

MACKENZIE
That’s code for “Where’s Bowden”, Z.

ZELDA
(Grumbles)

GLORIA
He should be here any minute, he had a costume fitting down at the theater.

SFX: The door swings open and in comes Bowden.

BOWDEN
Happy Friday, all! Please enjoy these complementary passes to my latest show: “The Who’s Tammy” - a musical biography of Tammy Faye Baker set to the classic rock of Pete Townsend.

SKIP
Uhh...thanks, Bowden.

BOWDEN
I play Jerry Falwell as The Acid Queen.

SKIP
And I’m sure you’re outstanding.

MACKENZIE
That’s code for “Moving on.”

ZELDA
Okay, Agent McGrath. We get it. Ha ha.

MACKENZIE
Are you kidding me? I’m going to dine out on the fact that only I figured out Skip’s secret code for...well, forever!

SKIP
McGrath does have a point, Section Chief. In fact, given our recent history, I thought about using today to begin an intensive re-certification course on code phrases and their deployment.

ZELDA
But you quickly regained your sanity?

SKIP
No! I found a mission! Gloria, slide proj-

ZELDA
(Clears her throat)

SKIP
Sorry, sorry, force of habit! No projector duty for the senior agent!

GLORIA
No, no, it’s alright! I’ve missed her.

SKIP
Thank you.

SFX: Projector.

SKIP
You’re looking at Grover’s Glen, Maine.

MACKENZIE
Well, that looks friggin’ charming.

SKIP
Indeed. This historic little hamlet is home to exceptional fishing and boating, a bevy of scenic nature trails, bike paths, and public parks.

BOWDEN
An ideal honeymoon spot, perhaps?

GLORIA
Shh, Bowden!

SKIP
The town hall dates back to the 1740s and an active historical society ensures that buildings within the city limits retain the Colonial style architecture.

SFX: Slide

SKIP
The town has an award winning children’s choir...

EVERYONE ELSE
Awww!

SFX: Slide

SKIP
A thriving indigenous population of puffins...

EVERYONE ELSE
Awww!

SFX: Slide

SKIP
...and it’s the murder capital of the world!

EVERYONE ELSE
BWHAAAH?

SKIP
It’s true! Despite a population of just under 4,000, nearly two percent of its residents have been the victims of murder over the last few years.

MACKENZIE
Are we going after a serial killer? Gloria - we could start a podcast!

GLORIA
My Preferred Psychopath!

MACKENZIE
Murder Town!

GLORIA
Two Girls, MANY Murders!

MACKENZIE
Only Murders in Maine!

BOWDEN (Clears his throat)
Mainely Murder.

MACKENZIE
Daaamn.

BOWDEN
Thank you and you’re welcome.

ZELDA
Alright, alright. Agent Granger, what makes this an EMF case? A serial killer is the FBI’s purview.

SKIP
It’s not a serial killer.

SFX: Skip goes through several slides.

SKIP
Mrs. Alma Ames: asphyxiated by avuncular astronaut Andy Adams. Professor Harold Holcombe: homicide by the Head of History, Hank Henries! Green Grocer Gary Goodman? Garroted by greedy groundskeeper Gordon Gale!

GLORIA
Wait. These are all closed cases?

SKIP
Every one of them. This town doesn't just have the highest number of murders per capita, it also has the highest conviction record! Every single crime solved...with a confession!

ZELDA
That is...

SKIP
Extraordinary?

ZELDA
I was going to say unbelievable, but yes, fine.

SFX: Slide change.

SKIP
The man closing all these cases is the town sheriff, one Art Antonelli. A former New York City beat cop with no record of note, since becoming Sheriff of Grover’s Glen, he now has the highest clearance rate of any law enforcement agent in the country.

MACKENZIE
Does anyone else smell bacon?

SKIP
The fact that he’s solving all these murders has to make him one of the greatest detectives in the country. Maybe one we’d like to recruit to the EMF.

BOWDEN
Our bench of contractors is looking pretty thin. Does Joe the Plumber still think he’s a dog?

ZELDA
Alright, Skip, if you think it’s worth looking into, check it out. We could use some fresh blood and if nothing else, after everything that’s happened, you and your team deserve a weekend in a bucolic town.

SKIP
You won’t regret it, Section Chief! Tell Stefan to break out the knit sweaters...we’re going to Maine!

GLORIA
So, what’s the plan, Skip?

SKIP
We’ll pose as TV crew doing a documentary on the sheriff. I’ve already been in contact with Sheriff Antonelli, posing as the show’s producer. McGrath, you’ll pose as the sound engineer -

MACKENZIE
The perfect cover to place bugs and listen in on Grover’s Glen’s most private conversations!

SKIP
Gloria, you’ll act as our camera person.

GLORIA
The camera sees all! And adds eight pounds.

SKIP
Bowden -

BOWDEN
Yes, I know. On air talent.

SKIP
Hair and makeup!

BOWDEN
EXCUSE ME?

SKIP
You’ll be able to get close, plant trackers, take DNA samples...

BOWDEN
But if you’re the producer, who’s going to be on camera?

SKIP
I’ll be asking questions off-camera. My style is more Dance Moms than Dateline.

BOWDEN
Very well, but I’m not supplying any of my personal hair products. Or make-up.

ZELDA
Skip, you have two days. The last thing I need is Secretary Phillips griping about expense reports.

SFX: Everyone scoffs.

ZELDA
Yeah. I heard it.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. TESS THATCHER’S HOUSE - MORNING

SFX: Tess is typing away on her old manual typewriter. On the stove her kettle starts to boil.

TESS (To the kettle)
Oh blast, not now! I’m just about to kill the bishop!

SFX: The kettle’s scream rises.

TESS
Ahhh, alright, alright.

SFX: She pushes back on her chair, rises and takes the kettle off the stove. She pours the water into her mug and ruffles through her tea bags.

TESS
Earl Grey? No...English Breakfast, I think.

SFX: She drops her teabag into the mug and returns to her typewriter. She hits the carriage release and the platen moves to a new line.

TESS
Now, where was I? Oh yes, a blow to the mitre for the bishop...

SFX: Doorbell.

TESS (Under her breath)
Go away.

SFX: Doorbell.

TESS
Can’t a lady assassinate a bishop in peace and quiet any more? Come in, it’s open!

SFX: The door opens and in comes ART ANTONELLI and DEPUTY GRACE GOODWIN.

ART
Morning, Tess!

TESS
Oh, hello Sheriff Antonelli!

GRACE
Morning, Mrs. Thatcher.

TESS
Oh, hello, Grace dear! Would either of you like a cup of tea? The kettle just boiled.

ART
Oh, no thanks, m’am. Deputy Grace here thought we should come by to see how you’re doing...

GRACE
...given what day it is and all. Two years since your husband died.

ART
Ted was a hell of a guy.

GRACE
We all miss him. Especially down at the community theater. Nobody can do Marley’s ghost like Mr. Thatcher could.

TESS
Two years. And not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. Of course, if Ted hadn’t died, who knows if I ever would have written my first book.

GRACE
Your first BEST SELLER! Or your second...or your third! You’re the pride of Grover’s Glen, Mrs. Thatcher!

ART
Which is why we wanted to make sure you were okay today.

TESS
Well, thank you both, but as far as I’m concerned the only thing I have to do today is kill the bishop.

ART
Bishop O’Bannon?

TESS(Laughing)
No, no. Though after that sermon he gave at Easter, I could see why you’d think that. I’m working on my next book: The Cardinal Cried at Midnight.

GRACE
I can’t wait!

ART
Well come on, Deputy Grace. Let’s leave Mrs. Thatcher to her work.

GRACE
Oh and we’ve still got to get over to Tammy Townie’s before those TV people get here!

TESS
TV people?

GRACE
Sheriff Antonelli is being profiled as the Law Enforcement Officer of the Year!

TESS
Is he now?

ART
For my 100% confession rate.

TESS
Your. One hundred percent. Confession rate.

ART
Tammy is lending me some pieces from her interior decorating business. Spruce up the sheriff’s station for the cameras.

GRACE
Maybe you should stop by, Mrs. Thatcher.

ART
I’m sure Mrs. T isn’t interested in that sort of thing. She’s a busy lady!

TESS
Yes, well, if I can kill off this bishop before lunch, I’ll have Doc Fisherman drive me over.

ART
Now don’t rush your art on my account, Mrs. T. Bishops don’t off themselves after all! Most of the time. Come on, Grace.

GRACE
See you later, Mrs. Thatcher.

SFX: They leave.

TESS
One hundred percent confession rate.

SFX: She gets back to typing.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. TOWNIE’S INTERIOR DESIGN SHOP - MORNING

TAMMY
Tommy, have you seen the Williams Sonoma design book?

TOMMY (OFF)
It’s propping up the end table.

TAMMY
No, that’s last year’s. I need the new fall look book.

TOMMY (ENTERING)
Then I dunno, hun. Did you check the shelf?

TAMMY
The catalog shelf? Yes, Tom, it was the first place I looked. Jesus, you stink! It’s 8:30 in the morning, how much have you had to drink!?

SFX: A bell over the door rings as Antonelli and Grace enter.

TOMMY
It’s my aftershave.

ART
Howdy, Tammy. Tom.

TOMMY
Sheriff! If Old Man Murphy sent you over here to complain about that tax return I did for him, it was just a simple misunderstanding!!

TAMMY
Tommy, your blood pressure!

ART
Easy, Tom. We’re just here for some set dressing.

TAMMY
Art, I’ve got just what you need. A couple of really fun ferns and that Herman Miller desk chair -

ART
Executive chair!

TAMMY
Everything is in the back. Grace, can you help me with the ferns?

GRACE
My pleasure, Mrs. Townie.

SFX: Tammy and Grace shuffle out

TOMMY
Tammy tells me you’re gonna be on TV. Detective of the year?

ART
That’s right.

TOMMY
Well, cheers to that.

SFX: Tommy unscrews a pocket flask and takes a swig.

ART
A pocket flask? I’ve heard of a liquid lunch, but a liquid breakfast?

TOMMY
Or maybe it wasn’t Tammy who told me. Maybe I read it in the paper. Hey, are they gonna interview Mrs. Thatcher on your little show?

ART
Now why would they do that, Tom?

TOMMY
Maybe they should interview me! Yeah, I think I’ll swing by the station later. Get myself on TV.

SFX: Tom laughs a bitter, smug laugh. Art growls. The girls re-enter.

GRACE
Sheriff Antonelli, look at these ferns!

ART
Real nice, Grace.

GRACE
I’m going to go stick them in the flatbed.

SFX: Grace goes out.

TAMMY
And this chair will make you look like the world class detective you are!

ART
Thanks, Tammy. I’ll load it into the truck.

TOMMY
Well. I’ve got to get to work.

ART
You’re not driving anywhere, are you, Tom?

TOMMY
Oh, doesn’t the WORLD’S GREATEST DETECTIVE know? I work upstairs now. She made me get rid of my office.

TAMMY
I didn’t make you do anything, Tom. Sharing an office is more practical and affordable. I’m with clients most of the day, I don’t really need a desk.

TOMMY
Whatever.

SFX: Tom staggers off.

ART
Are you alright, Tammy? Tom seemed...real mad.

TAMMY
He’s just having a rough time right now. It’s nothing I can’t deal with. You go get ready for your big interview! Oh, here, take this Bug Out for the ferns. The lantern flies have just been out of control.

ART
Alright. Thanks again, Tammy.

SFX: Art goes.

TAMMY
Oh, I’ll deal with you, Tommy Townie. Just you wait.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE - DAY

SFX: A bit of chaos as the EMF sets up their fake tv show.

GRACE
Are you sure I can’t offer you another cup of coffee?

SKIP
No, thank you, Deputy Goodwin.

MACKENZIE
Yeah, sixteen is his limit. Look, not to be pushy, but when did you say your sheriff would be back? We were supposed to be shooting already.

BOWDEN
Ah, at last McGrath gets a taste of show business. Talent doesn’t wait for the production, the production waits for the talent.

MACKENZIE
The talent is going to wait with my foot up his -

GRACE
I’m sure he’ll be right back. He just ran out to get some Bug-Out for our new ferns. Want to have them looking perfect for your cameras, and it’s a two-for-one sale down at the general store.

MACKENZIE
This is so lame. I thought We’d be starting a murder podcast, but this town is sleepier than a Nyquil factory.

SFX: A car pulls up outside.

GLORIA
Head’s up, here he comes!

SFX: The door opens and Art enters.

ART
Thanks for holding down the fort, Grace. Sorry I’m late everyone.

SKIP
Not at all, Sheriff Antonelli. Thank you again for letting us set up this shoot in your station.

ART
It’s my pleasure. Just make sure you get my chair in the shot. It’s a Herman Miller!

SKIP
Oooh. How ergonomic!

GRACE
Do you think these ferns should go behind the desk...or in front of them? I’m sorry, I’m just so excited! I’ve never met real TV people before!

BOWDEN
You still haven’t.

GRACE
Pardon?

GLORIA
Ferns in the back. We need to be able to see your sheriff.

GRACE
Oh, right, of course!

MACKENZIE
Sheriff, can I wire you up for sound?

ART
Oh, sure, I guess. That mic isn’t, uh...water sensitive by any chance? I sweat a lot.

MACKENZIE
Make-up!

BOWDEN
God help me, there isn’t enough powder in all of Hollywood.

SFX: The door opens and in comes Tess with DOC FISHERMAN, who has an extremely thick Maine accent.

ART
Mrs. Thatcher!

TESS
Hope you don’t mind us dropping in. I needed a break and Doc offered to drive us over.

FISHERMAN
Harumph.

GRACE
Mrs. T, you made it! Come to see all the TV excitement, Doc?

FISHERMAN
It’s like Disney Hollywood Studios in here! Make sense, of course. I always said Art was a Mickey Mouse sheriff.

ART
Thanks, Doc, and you’re a real Snow White.

FISHERMAN
Mmmm hmmm.

TESS
Your hair looks lovely, Art! Did you do it yourself?

BOWDEN
Madam, I’ll have you know it took an entire bottle of...GREAT SCOTT!

GLORIA
Bo?

BOWDEN
Gloria, it’s T.T. Thatcher!

GLORIA
The mystery writer?

BOWDEN
Whose next novel, The Cardinal Cried at Midnight, has already started a bidding war for the movie rights! Mrs. Tatcher, it is you, isn’t it?

TESS
Guilty as charged! Please, call me Tess. You are?

BOWDEN
Bowden Montcrief, proud SAG member. I was briefly seen as the blackjack dealer in the Hallmark TV movie of your book “Killing Your Clone is Still Murder.”

TESS
Oh, yes, Mr. Montcrief! I remember that part. Your use of the Monte Carlo style of dealing was a particularly smart choice.

BOWDEN
You noticed that?

FISHERMAN
She notices everything, mmmhmm.

SKIP
Say, now this is an interesting angle for the story. What’s it like having one of the greatest mystery writers in the world as a neighbor when you’re the town sheriff?

MACKENZIE
Yeah, you ever pick her brain when working a case?

ART
Who, Mrs. T? Sure...she helps out. From time to time. On occasion.

FISHERMAN
Like on the Edwards exsanguination.

GRACE
And the Petersen patricide.

FISHERMAN
And the Grady gassing. Need I go on?

TESS
Well. I help out when I can. But Art is a more than capable sheriff.

ART
Thank you. I’d love to show you how capable, but were having a pretty quiet day in our little hamlet.

SFX: The door to the sheriff’s station flies open and in bursts OLD MAN MURPHY, the crustiest Mainer in town.

MURPHY
I demand to speak to the sheriff!

GRACE
Mr. Murphy!

MURPHY
Don’t Mr. Murphy me! I want to report a crime!

SKIP
At last! I mean...how shocking.

ART
What’s your beef, Murphy?

MURPHY
Tommy Townie is a no good crook, that’s my beef! He’s been using his position as my accountant to cook the books. Skimming off the top for himself!

ART
Now, Murph, Tom already talked to me about this. He said it was all a simple misunderstanding.

MURPHY
HORSE PUCKY! I’ve got evidence to prove it! I want him charged.

SFX: Old Man Murphy slams a pile of disorganized papers down.

ART
Alright, alright. I’ll take a look at these and I will talk to Tom this afternoon, but at the moment I’m a bit busy being interviewed...

MURPHY
You slick back, silver tongued New York devil! If you won’t do it, I’ll show you how we handle things in Maine!

SFX: He storms out, slamming the door!

MACKENZIE
Wow. His exits are almost a subtle as Bowden’s.

TESS (Reading the papers)
Oh my. Oh yes. Oh dear.

GLORIA
Something catch your eye, Mrs. Thatcher?

TESS
What’s that, dear? Oh, well, I’m no accountant, but these papers Old Man Murphy left behind are very peculiar indeed. Here, Art, what do you make of this?

SFX: She hands Art the papers.

ART (Struggling)
Oh. Yeah. Well, that’s uh, very interesting. What...exactly...am I looking at here?

TESS
Look at the sales tax numbers.

ART
Five and half percent. That’s right.

TESS
For the state sales tax, yes, but look at the next line. Tommy was taking out a county sales tax at the same rate.

SKIP
And Maine doesn’t have county sales tax!

TESS
That’s right! Say, you’re quite knowledgeable for a television producer.

SKIP
Oh, well, state tax codes are some of my favorite bedtime reading. If you want to see some REALLY interesting stuff, you should look at what Utah does...

MACKENZIE
Easy does it, Mr. Producer.

ART
It could just be a mistake. Tom Townie isn’t what I’d call the sharpest pencil in the box.

TESS
A hell of a mistake. Even for a dull pencil.

FISHERMAN

Wouldn’t shock me. Tommy messed up my taxes so badly last year, I’m still being audited! Could cost me my practice.

SKIP
Sheriff Antonelli, if you need to deal with this, we could always tag along with you...get some footage of you in the field, and then do the sit down interview later.

FISHERMAN
What do you say, Art? Want to show these fancy TV folks how we solve a crime here in Grover’s Glenn?

ART
Well, uh, sure. Yeah. If you folks don’t mind loading up your gear, we can take this show on the road.

MACKENZIE
You’re all wired up for sound, so all we need is the camera.

GLORIA
No problem! I’ve actually been dying to try out this steadycam rig.

BOWDEN
My God you’re sexy when you talk shop.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. TOWNIE'S INTERIOR DESIGN SHOP - DAY

GLORIA
And we’re rolling!

SFX: A knock on the door. No one answers.

ART (OUTSIDE)
Tommy? Tammy? It’s the Sheriff.

SFX: He knocks again, then cracks the door open, causing the bell to ring.

ART
Tammy, you here? Tom?

TESS
Tammy, it’s Tess Thatcher, dear, are you here?

SKIP
It doesn’t seem like anyone is here.

GRACE
Tammy might be out on a client call.

ART
Yeah, but Tom should be here. He made a big deal earlier about having to work upstairs.

TESS
Well, maybe he’s on the phone. I’ll go up to the office and see.

BOWDEN
Let me come with you. It will give me just enough time to pitch you my spin-off idea starring the blackjack dealer.

FISHERMAN
Better you than me. My knees aren’t what they used to be.

TESS
Well, come along, Mr. Montcrief.

SFX: Tess trips over some papers.

TESS (As she goes up)
Oh dear me, the Townies seem to be hoarding copies of the Grovers Glen Gazette. How odd.

SKIP (Aside to McGrath)
This is odd.

MACKENZIE
We’re in Maine, everything is odd.

SKIP
This is an interior design office - it’s immaculate...except for this pile of local newspapers. They go back months...years even.

MACKENZIE
Maybe she uses them for paper mache.

SKIP
Ooh! I’ve been wanting to make a paper mache bust of Section Chief Anders!

SFX: Bowden screams from upstairs!

GLORIA
Bowden!?!

TESS (UPSTAIRS)
Art! Art! Come quickly!

ART
Mrs. T?

FISHERMAN
Tess!

SFX: Everyone runs upstairs.

INT. TOWNIE'S INTERIOR DESIGN SHOP - UPSTAIRS - CONTINUOUS

BOWDEN
Everyone stay in the hall!

GLORIA
Bowden, what is it?

TESS
It’s Tommy Townie...he’s dead.

MACKENZIE
My true crime podcast dreams are coming true! Too soon?

ART
Everyone stay back.

FISHERMAN
Let me by, man, I’m a doctor.

TESS
I don’t think there’s anything you can do, Doc.

FISHERMAN
No pulse. Body still warm, rigor hasn’t set it. I’d say he’s been dead less than an hour.

GLORIA
Bowden, your shirt! It’s all bloody!

BOWDEN
What? Oh, no, it’s wine. I knocked this glass off his desk when I tripped over the body.

SKIP
Doctor, is there any indication of what happened?

FISHERMAN
Nothing immediate. No signs of a struggle, no obvious wounds. Probably cardiac arrest. You’ll need to order an autopsy, Art.

GRACE
Tammy was talking about his blood pressure this morning.

FISHERMAN
Damn fool. I told him to come in for a physical.

TESS
Well, I suggest we all head back downstairs. Don’t want to run the chance of contaminating the crime scene.

FISHERMAN
Crime scene? What are you talking about, woman? I just said heart attack.

ART
I don’t think so, Doc. This is a murder. Notice anything unusual about his lips?

FISHERMAN
They’re a deep purple. Nothing unusual about that when drinking wine.

ART
Look at the stain on Montcrief’s shirt - that’s more of a gamay, not a deep purple like a cabernet.

BOWDEN
You’re right.

TESS
Art, if I had to guess -

ART
No need to guess, Mrs. T. Methemoglobinemia.

FISHERMAN
Mighty big word, Art.

GRACE
Mathama what now?

ART
Methemoglobinemia. The discoloration of the lips due to poisoning. Most likely sulfuric acid or some sort of nitrite. Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Thatcher?

TESS
Yes. I suppose I couldn’t have said it better myself.

SKIP
So he was poisoned?

MACKENZIE
Yo. That Old Man Murphy was pretty pissed - said he was going to settle things the Maine way!

TESS
Yes, my dear. Mr. Murphy certainly is an interesting character...

ART
Maybe...but poisoning is almost always the crime of a female. Grace, get an APB out on Tammy Townie.

TESS
Art, be serious! Tammy Townie couldn’t hurt a fly.

ART
Sorry, Mrs. T, you’re wrong. Grace and I were here this morning to pick up the stuff for the show. Things were pretty tense. Isn’t that right, Grace?

GRACE
I’m afraid so. Mr. Townie was real mad - and he smelled of alcohol already. Mrs. Townie seemed real upset.

ART
She got fed up with his drinking and abuse, knew he’d be hitting the sauce all day, so she poisoned the wine and then made herself scarce. Probably trying establish an alibi.

TESS
I just don’t believe it.

ART
Believe it. Grace, the APB. Now.

GRACE
On it, sheriff.

SKIP
Pretty nifty deduction on the sheriff’s part, don’t you think?

MACKENZIE
I still think it was the old man.

FISHERMAN
Hold up, Grace, I’ll come with you. I’ll call Joe Fielding from the M.E.’s office to get someone down here.

SFX: Grace and Doc go down the stairs.

SKIP
Sheriff, maybe we could get some shots of you dusting the wine bottle for prints.

ART
I didn’t bring a kit with me. Didn’t know we’d be seeing this kind of action.

SKIP
Oh, well, maybe we could use some of the talcum powder from our make-up kit.

BOWDEN
There’s none left! Sweaty McSweaterson over here used the whole bottle.

ART
I have a gland problem!

TESS
Come on, Mr. Montcreif, let’s go down to the kitchen. I have a home remedy that will get that wine stain out in the blink of an eye.

MACKENZIE (ASIDE TO SKIP)
Skip, I don’t like this. The whole thing is giving me the willies.

SKIP (ASIDE)
Murder is always ugly, McGrath. Gloria and I will stay with the sheriff. He’s already wired for sound, so why don’t you go find out what Old Man Murphy is up to.

MACKENZIE
On it. I’ll get his address from the deputy. I assume they have Unter in this backwater burb.

TESS
Come on, Bowden, let’s get you cleaned up. Country style.

BOWDEN
That’s just what Dolly Parton said to me on the set of 9 to 5 II: Maximum Overtime.

TESS
Come on, the kitchen is down the back stairs.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. TOWNIE'S INTERIOR DESIGN SHOP - KITCHEN

SFX: Tess rummaging around the kitchen.

TESS
Ah! Here we are! Cream of tartar, horseradish, half a lemon, and rock salt. God bless a Maine woman’s well stocked kitchen.

SFX: She starts to whisk together the ingredients.

BOWDEN
You understand the goal is to make the shirt LESS stained, yes?

TESS
Take it off and I’ll show you some Maine magic.

BOWDEN
Here you go. Careful, that’s the finest button up shirt CostCo has to offer.

SFX: Tess dunks the shirt into the liquid.

TESS
Now, we just need to let this sit for a bit. I don’t want to dirty Tammie’s counters, see if there’s any newspaper in the rubbish bin.

SFX: Bowden opens up the bin and grabs some paper.

BOWDEN
Yeah, it’s full of it. Here.

SFX: He hands her some sheets of newspaper.

BOWDEN
And this will really work?

TESS
You just trust your Auntie Tess.

BOWDEN
Auntie Tess?

TESS
Well, that’s what a lot of the young folk in the town call me. It’s quite flattering. I try to be a good friend and neighbor to all of Grover’s Glen.

BOWDEN
Including the Townies?

TESS
Oh yes. Especially Tammy. She was one of my students. Before I became an author, I was a substitute teacher at the local school. English, math, history, home ec, woodshop, auto repair...whatever needed covering.

BOWDEN
And the sheriff...how often does he need covering?

TESS
Well, like I said, I help out when I can.

BOWDEN
Not for nothing, Tess, but this town has an incredibly high murder per capita rate and Sheriff Antonelli has closed every single one of them. That’s pretty stunning for any cop, but especially one who couldn’t even recognize sales tax. Don’t you think?

TESS
This might be a very stubborn stain. Would you see if Tammy has any baking powder? It would be in one of the high cabinets.

BOWDEN
She said, avoiding the question asked of her. Let me look.

SFX: Bo going through cabinets.

BOWDEN
Trash bags, glass cleaner, wood cleaner, fabric cleaner...I don’t see any baking powder. Lots of pesticide though - maybe that will melt away the stain!

TESS
Pesticide? What brand?

BOWDEN
Uh...Bug Off. Why, does it matter?

TESS
I use it on my petunias. The primary ingredient in Bug Off is sodium nitrate.

BOWDEN
Just like poisoned wine!

TESS
Oh dear, Tammy. What have you done?

BOWDEN
No, look! This box is still sealed. Never used.

TESS
But there’s just the one box?

BOWDEN
Yes...oh, I see! The deputy mentioned they’ve been two for one down at the Grover’s Glen General Grocery! My God, this entire town is just one fantastic vocal warm up.

SFX: Tess unwraps the shirt.

TESS
Ah! Look at that. Stain came out. Good as new.

BOWDEN
Great Scott, so it has! Madam, there are costume crews around the world that would kill you for your secrets.

TESS
I suppose there’s no way of knowing if Tammy bought two boxes of Bug Off or just one. Or how long ago. Unless, of course...do you happen to have a car?

BOWDEN
Yes. What are you thinking?

TESS
I wonder, Mr. Montcrief, if you’d be kind enough to shuttle me to the grocery store.

MUSIC: TRANSITION.

EXT. OLD MAN MURPHY’S HOUSE - DAY

SFX: The cold Maine air whips all around. McGrath approaches the front door. She flicks on a recorder.

MACKENZIE
Testing, 1, 2, testing. This is Mackenzie McGrath and you’re listening to Mainely Murder. Today, I interview Old Man Murphy - prime suspect number one in the murder of Tommy Townie. I’m here at his home: 1313 Crooked Lane. Sure. Not ominous at all, Maine.

SFX: She knocks on the door.

MACKENZIE
Hello? Mr. Murphy?

MURPHY (OFF)
Hold yer horses, I’m comin’.

SFX: The front door opens.

MURPHY
Who the blazes are you?

MACKENZIE
Mr. Murphy, I’m with the -

MURPHY
I don’t want any.

MACKENZIE
Any what?

MURPHY
Whatever you’re selling.

MACKENZIE
I’m not selling anything. I’m with -

MURPHY
And I don’t need any religion. Go peddle your golden plates elsewhere.

MACKENZIE
You are so barking up the wrong tree. I saw you at the sheriff’s station earlier. I wanted to ask you a few questions about your beef with Tommy Townie.

MURPHY
That cock-o-the-walk embezzling son of a red coat! I won’t even foul my mouth with his name.

MACKENZIE
He’s been murdered.

MURPHY
Good thing, too.

MACKENZIE
I’m producing a podcast about the murder and I wondered -

MURPHY
Snoopin’s more like it! Stickin yer nose where it don’t belong! You better come in, missy. I’ll put the kettle on.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. TOWNIE'S INTERIOR DESIGN SHOP

GLORIA (ASIDE TO SKIP)
Skip, we’ve been here almost an hour and Sheriff Antonelli hasn’t done much except re-comb his hair fifty times. Nothing about him strikes me as EMF material.

SKIP (ASIDE TO GLORIA)
Let’s not give up yet, Gloria. Maybe we just haven’t see his full process yet.

ART
So, camera lady, where do you think the best place to film this interview is? I’m thinking I could lean on the fireplace mantel. You know, sort of casual...

GLORIA
Don’t you think there are more important things to focus on?

SKIP
Like how there’s something a bit out of the ordinary about this room?

ART
I know, a lot of these old homes don’t have air conditioning. Took me a while to get used to it - even my little cold water walk up on the lower east side had a window unit.

SKIP
No. These newspapers. They’re strewn around. In this otherwise immaculate room.

ART
What are you talking about? So a couple of newspapers are on the floor. It’s a business. People in and out of here all day, anybody could have knocked them over.

SKIP
Alright, but that doesn’t explain why every one of these papers skips from section one to section three. Every one! Not a section two in sight.

ART
Maybe they like doing the word jumble. Look, we all know what a drunk Tommy Townie was. I was here this morning and he was already three sheets to the wind. I wouldn’t be surprised if he knocked these newspapers over himself just trying to cross the room.

GRACE
The sheriff’s right. Mr. Townie was pretty lit for that time of morning.

ART
Grace, do me a favor and clean up these papers. We took more than enough footage of the room.

GRACE
Yes, sheriff.

SFX: She goes about cleaning.

ART
Say, Mr. Producer, is my hair still good?

SKIP
Sheriff, far be it from me to tell you how to do your job - but shouldn’t you be...investigating?

ART
Look, either Tammy will come home or one of the state patrolmen will pick her up from the APB. Either way - I’ll get a confession, just like I always do.

GLORIA
But there are other suspects. Old Man Murphy was furious at Tommy. And what about the doctor? He said Tommy almost ruined his business, and he sure darted up those steps awfully fast for a guy with bad knees.

ART
Doc Fisherman, a killer? Don’t make me laugh.

SFX: Door opens.

TAMMY
What’s going on here? Sheriff, was there something wrong with the chair?

ART
Where were you, Tammy?

TAMMY
I went to the post office to see if the new paint samples have come in. Why?

ART
And someone over at the post office can verify this? Postmaster Hildy maybe?

TAMMY
Well, no. I just checked my p.o. box in the lobby, I didn’t go to the counter. I don’t think anyone saw me. Will someone please tell me what’s going on!

ART
Tommy’s dead, Mrs. Townie.

TAMMY
What? No!

ART
Found him up in his office.

TAMMY
No! Tommy! Tommy!

GRACE
Easy, Tammy. I’m so sorry, but it’s true.

ART
Someone poisoned his wine.

TAMMY
Wine? He was drinking whiskey this morning. Oh, God, Tommy.

ART
I’m going to need you to come down to the station with us, answer some questions.

TAMMY
I didn’t kill him! Art, you have to believe me!

ART
We’ll talk about it downtown. Tammy Townie, I’m placing you under arrest on the suspicion of murder.

SFX: He cuffs her.

TAMMY
This is a nightmare.

ART
I hope you’re getting all this, camera lady. Grace, let’s go.

GRACE
Be right with you.

SFX: Art goes out.

GLORIA
Deputy, do you mind if Skip and I ride with you? Bowden took our production van to take Mrs. Thatcher shopping.

GRACE
Not all. In fact, I want to talk to you. I think you were right about those newspapers!

SKIP
I knew there was something there!

GRACE
It’s more what’s not there. Section Two isn’t the word jumble.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. OLD MAN MURPHY'S HOUSE

SFX: Murphy pours McGrath’s tea.

MURPHY
One lump or two?

MACKENZIE
Two, please.

SFX: Plop. Plop.

MURPHY
There y’are.

MACKENZIE
Thanks.

MURPHY
Now, little miss snoopy, what is it that you want to know.

MACKENZIE
Did you kill Tommy Townie?

MURPHY
Sure ‘nuff.

MACKENZIE
Whaa...woah. Maybe it really is that easy to a confession in this town.

MURPHY
Better drink that tea while it’s still hot.

MACKENZIE
Say...this tea isn’t poisoned is it?

MURPHY
POPPYCOCK! Poison is a female crime.

MACKENZIE
But...you poisoned Tommy Townie.

MURPHY
Certainly did not. Shot him in the back. Like a man.

MACKENZIE
Uhh, listen, I hate to break it to you, but I saw the body, he was not shot.

MURPHY
Then I strangled him.

MACKENZIE
Nope.

MURPHY
Bludgeoned?

MACKENZIE
I literally told you he was poisoned.

MURPHY
Alright, well, I guess I poisoned him then! Must have been in touch with my feminine side.

MACKENZIE
Mr. Murphy, don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t think you killed him.

MURPHY
Sure ‘nuff did! I killed them all. The green grocer, the history teacher, Alma Ames! You’d think by now I’d have been on the T.V.!

MACKENZIE
Alma Ames...how did you kill her?

MURPHY
Harpoon to the heart.

MACKENZIE
She was asphyxiated.

MURPHY
Right. Right! The harpoon was the green grocer.

MACKENZIE
(Makes “wrong answer” noise) Strangulation.

MURPHY
Dagnabbit. You’re worse than that Thatcher woman!

MACKENZIE
Mrs. Thatcher? What do you mean?

MURPHY
No matter how many times I’d confess to that sheriff of ours, she’d burst in with cockamamie theory about who really did it - and instead of getting my face on the front page of the paper, I get shuffled back to this dump. I just...wanted someone to notice me.

MACKENZIE
Well, there won’t be any front page for you this time either, Murph. But, tell me...it was Mrs. Thatcher you cleared you every time?

MURPHY
Sure ‘nuff. Even when the sheriff was ready to believe me. Damn fool woman.

MACKENZIE
Fascinating. Murph...how’d you like your fifteen minutes of fame?

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE - NIGHT

SFX: The door opens and in comes Art, Grace, Skip and Gloria escorting Tammy.

ART
Grace, lock Tammy up in the back. She can call for a lawyer in the morning.

TAMMY
Please, Art! Grace! This is insane. I didn’t kill Tommy!

ART
I’ve got more than enough to keep you under suspicion of murder.

SKIP
Mrs. Townie, maybe you should call your lawyer.

TAMMY
BUT I DIDN’T DO IT!

GLORIA
Doesn’t sound like you’ll be getting a confession this time, sheriff.

SFX: The door swings open. It’s McGrath and Old Man Murphy.

MURPHY
I’ll confess!

MACKENZIE
I know, Murph. Honestly, this guy would confess to the JFK assassination.

MURPHY
Did that too. Filthy Bostoner! Got me a real rash from that grassy knoll.

ART
I don’t have time for your nonsense today, Murphy. Grace, the prisoner?

GRACE
Come on, Mrs. Townie. Sorry.

TAMMY
Grace, please, you have to believe me.

SFX: The door swings open. It’s Bo and Tess.

TESS
I believe you, Tammy!

ART
Not now, Mrs. T!

BOWDEN
Hold on, sheriff. Mrs. Thatcher and I did some grocery shopping.

SKIP
I hope you got a receipt for your expense report.

TESS
You know, there are many things I love about living in Grover’s Glen, but most of all I love what a tight knit community we are.

BOWDEN
And also what huge gossips!

TESS
Well...yes. For example, Cassie the Cashier at the Grover Glen General Grocer gladly gabbed about how Tammy here recently bought TWO boxes of Bug Out...

TAMMY
Yes, that’s right. Just the other day. Two for one sale.

ART
SO?

TESS
Well, everyone loves a sale. Grace even pointed out that you specifically went to the General Grocer today because of that sale, sherrif.

ART
Ok, Mrs. T, you got me. I do love a bargain.

TESS
Then why did you only bring back ONE box of Bug Out this morning?

ART
What? Well, I guess I left the other one in the car.

BOWDEN
Don’t think so, chief. Casie the Cashier confessed cheerily you haven’t been in at all today.

ART
That’s right! I was in such a rush, I went to the Stop-N-Save. I didn’t really need two boxes anyway, it was just for these ferns...

TESS
THIS box of Bug Out?

SFX: She crosses to ferns, picks up the box and shakes it.

ART
Yeah...look, Mrs. T., I got a murder case to make here.

TESS
Yes. A case against yourself.

SFX: General GASPS of surprise.

ART
Are you out of your mind, Tess?

TESS
No, and I can prove it. This box is nearly empty.

ART
Of course it is...I used it on the ferns.

TESS
No, I’m afraid not. The sheriff’s station was full of people when you arrived back “from the store” - did anyone see you use the Bug Off?

BOWDEN
No we did not.

SKIP
Nope!

MACKENZIE
Not me.

GRACE
Me either, sheriff.

GLORIA
My camera was running the whole time. Lots of footage of you sweating - not a frame of you using Bug Off.

TESS
The box was already open when you got here. And half empty because you had poured it into Tommy Townie’s wine.

TAMMY
Wait a minute! I GAVE you one of my boxes of Bug Off with the ferns!

ART
This is insane. I’m the sheriff! Why would I kill Tommy?

SKIP
Because Tommy knew the truth about who the REAL detective in this town was. He was keeping track. You know, I couldn’t figure out why the Townies had all those old newspapers around.

TAMMY
They were Tommy’s. He insisted we keep them.

SKIP
But then Deputy Grace here pointed out what section was missing from every single issue -

GRACE
The police blotter. All the stories about the cases we’ve been closing lately.

SKIP
Tommy Townie was studying those stories and he came to realize there was one common factor in all of them.

MACKENZIE
That Mrs. T.T. Thatcher somehow provided vital clues in every case.

MURPHY
FLAHOOY! I could have told you that.

MACKENZIE
No offense, Murph, but you’re the town kook. It really doesn’t matter what you say.

MURPHY
I killed Marilyn Monroe.

MACKENZIE
Case closed.

GLORIA
But if Tommy Townie started talking about how the sheriff couldn’t actually solve anything - people might listen.

TESS
Tommy must have tipped his hand when you were there this morning. You were nervous he might ruin your big tv interview. So you made up the excuse that you needed pesticide and you headed back to the Townies. I’m not certain, but I suspect you brought him the bottle of wine as a sort of peace offering.

SKIP
And poor Tommy drank it down. Never knowing you’d poisoned it.

TESS
Then, either out of rage or guilt, you took the crime section out of each of the newspapers and threw them in the garbage. Bowden and I found them while I was cleaning his shirt.

BOWDEN
You weren’t sweating because of a gland problem. You were sweating because you had just killed Tommy Townie!

ART
I...I...guess there’s no denying it. Yes, I killed him. Just like you said. He was going to ruin everything. You know what they called me in New York? “Art the Fart”. I never closed a major case. Never made detective. So I ran away to farthest place from Manhattan I could find and became the sheriff here. I thought it would be quiet. Easy.

TESS
But even Grover’s Glen has it’s criminals.

ART
Criminals? This town has more killers than Rikers Island! But... I kept closing the cases. Getting confessions.

MACKENZIE
Because Mrs. Thatcher was helping you.

ART
More than helping. She could see things I never would have even considered. Hell, I was ready to book Old Man Murphy at least twice.

MURPHY
And you should have!

ART
But she never took credit. Always let me get the glory. If it weren’t for you TV people making it national news, we could have just kept on as it was. In a way...this is all your fault!

GRACE
You didn’t have to agree to the interview, sheriff.

ART
I don’t think you should call me that anymore, Grace.

GRACE
You’re under arrest. Art.

SFX: She handcuffs him.

ART
Tammy. For what it’s worth, I really am sorry.

TAMMY
I hope you burn in hell.

SFX: Grace takes Art off to the cells.

TESS
Mr. Murphy, perhaps you would be so kind as to drive Mrs. Townie to the hospital. I believe she’d like to say goodbye to her husband. Just ask for Doc Fisherman.

MURPHY
At yer service, Widow Townie. If you don’t mind hearing about where I buried Jimmy Hoffa.

TAMMY
Uh, well...

SFX: They go out.

SKIP
Mrs. Thatcher, you were incredible!

TESS
It was a group effort.

SKIP
Oh no. You were all over this from the very beginning. It was you who got me to look at the newspapers.

MACKENZIE
And got me to talk to Murphy.

BOWDEN
And knew all about the Bug Out.

TESS
Well, it’s very flattering praise coming from a team of spies.

SFX: GASPS.

SKIP
WHAT? NO. HA. HAHA. WHAT?

GLORIA
How did you know?

TESS
Well, first of all, your camera battery has been dead for at least an hour. For a TV crew, you seemed thoroughly uninterested in making a TV show.

GLORIA
Aw nuts.

TESS
Besides, when I was washing Bowden’s shirt, I noticed the “Property of EMF Wardrobe Department” label stitched in the collar.

BOWDEN
God damn it, Stefan!

TESS
If I were the government, I’d be curious about Grover’s Glen too, but it’s not the CIA or FBI’s territory, so it makes sense that there would be another outfit assigned. Some sort of...extraordinary missions force?

SKIP
Mrs. Thatcher you’re amazing!

TESS
Oh, it was nothing. Anyone with two eyes would have reached the same conclusions.

MACKENZIE
Uh, no. Lady, you just out observed three of the greatest spies around. And Bowden!

BOWDEN
I’d be offended if it weren’t true. Madam, dare I suggest that the EMF has room for one widowed mystery novelist? The freelance rate is frankly laughable, but the sense of moral justice is priceless.

GLORIA
Truly! No one would have to know. We would just call you in whenever we need a fresh set of eyes.

SKIP
I came here to recruit the world’s greatest detective to our team. And I think I’m finally meeting her. All of Antonelli’s closed murder cases were really yours!

MACKENZIE
Yeah, about that - are we seriously not going to look into the murder rate in this town? I’d be afraid to get out bed in the morning let alone walk down the street here.

TESS
If I ever stopped to truly think about why the specter of death seems to follow me wherever I go, popping off friends and relations like disposable tissues...I’d probably go mad. Best to just whistle on your way past the graveyard.

SKIP
What do you say, Mrs. Thatcher? Will you join the EMF?

TESS
Thank you, but no. Honestly, I prefer solving fictional crimes...and I still have a bishop to kill! If you don’t mind, I think I’ll just spin-off from you here. Pilot my way out the backdoor. Ta.

SFX: Tess spins off.

BOWDEN
What an oddly specific metaphor.

GLORIA
Do you think we’ll ever cross over with her again?

SKIP
Oh, I think we’ll be seeing her again REAL SOON.

MACKENZIE
Why?

SKIP
She left her purse on the desk.

MUSIC: END CREDITS

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. Associate producer Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O’Brien
Jill Ivey as Ellie Mae Sederstrom
and Bob Killion as Newscaster Steve and Old Man Murphy

Guest Starring
Marnie Warner as Speaker of the House Fran Nelson
John Dowgin as Congressman Flowers
Sarah Golding as Tess Thatcher
Ed Faver as Sheriff Art Antonelli
Mia Scarpa as Deputy Grace Goodwin
Allison Cossitt as Tammy Townie
Sam Pasco as Tommy Townie
J. Michael DeAngelis as Doc Fisherman
Pete Barry as Kristatos O’Brien and Ted Desoto
Caden Dowgin as Timmy “Two Bit” Thompson
and Rebecca Serfass as Lucky

Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry

Did they just seriously threaten us with a spin-off? Well, I suppose parodies of forty year old network television aimed at retired grandmothers must be SOMEONE'S cup of tea. Though I can't possibly imagine who. But hey, if that's your thing, you can help make the dream a reality by supporting us on Patreon or Coffee. Visit us at missionrejected.com/support for details.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2024 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

MUSIC FADES

INT. ATHENACORP HQ - NIGHT

SFX: Lucky, Elle Mae, Timmy and Desoto make small talk around a table. Footsteps on concrete as Kristatos approaches.

KRISTATOS
Excuse my tardiness. Thank you all for coming. Welcome to AthenaCorp, my humble employees. I am Kristatos O’Brien. In my daughter’s totally legitimate and legal grand new empire, I am the Director of... Personnel.

DESOTO
Aye aye, cap’n!

ELLE MAE
Whatever you say, mister potatoes!

TIMMY TWO-BIT
I, for one, am very excited to get my hands dirty...Nyah Hahaha!

LUCKY
Are you Liberace?

KRISTATOS
No. For the last time!

TIMMY TWO-BIT
What’s my first assignment, Uncle Kris? Corporate espionage? Seducing an asset? ASSASSINATING Master Agent Skip Granger?

KRISTATOS
You’re fired.

TIMMY TWO-BIT
Nyah Haha...huh?

ELLE MAE
So sorry, Timmy Poo. Guess you’ll have to tottle home to mommy’s while the real adults get to work.

KRISTATOS
You too, Sederstrom.

ELLE MAE
ME? But I handed you the cloning technology on a silver platter.

SFX: A door opens. It’s Athena.

ATHENA
You handed TerryCorps the cloning technology. We’re AthenaCorps now and the cloning program is terminated. Along with you. You too, Lucky.

LUCKY
Do I even work here?

DESOTO
I can see which way the wind is blowing, but I’m not leaving until we’ve discussed my severance package.

ATHENA
Oh, Ted, for the man who drugged me and helped Terry Millionaire keep me locked in a cage? Absolutely. Dad?

KRISTATOS
Release the pumas.

SFX: A wall slides open and a puma leaps out! Desoto rolls and dodges.

DESOTO
Missed me by that much!

SFX: The puma pounces again.

DESOTO
That one got me.

SFX: Desoto dies. The puma drags off their prey happily.

ATHENA
Anyone else want to discuss severance? Or can I assume you’ll all be signing your ironclad NDAs on the way out.

TIMMY TWO-BIT
I never saw anything! I was never here! I...uh...gotta go.

LUCKY
I’ll see myself out.

ELLE MAE
You’re insane! I’m going back to the peace and quiet of the Russian mob!

SFX: They all run away.

ATHENA
Table cleared, dad?

KRISTATOS
All ties to your criminal past are erased. This is now a totally legitimate operation.

ATHENA
Excellent. Now we can get to work.

MUSIC: STINGER