Season Five, Episode Three: “Naked and Dismayed”
Recording Script

SFX - SOME OFFICE IN THE HALLOWED HALLS OF CONGRESS. THE CONGRESSIONAL DRONE WHO’S SPEAKING IS A REAL BEN STEIN TYPE

CONGRESSIONAL DRONE 1

... of the two hundred and thirty point nine billion requested balanced against the two hundred and four point five enacted as of Q4 2021...

(SLIDE CLICK)

And the two hundred twenty point six enacted as of Q4 2022...

(SLIDE CLICK)

Air Force projected spending for current Q2 stands at 23 percent of enacted but not yet engaged funding... er, Secretary?

CHET

Yeah?

CONGRESSIONAL DRONE 1

Are you... jamming an unfolded paper clip into your leg?

CHET

Just making sure I’m still alive. Having to sit through this presentation gave me some doubts.

CONGRESSIONAL DRONE 1

So... you’re sure you’re alive?

CHET

To my chagrin.

CONGRESSIONAL DRONE 1

(beat)

Moving on to Naval enacted versus engaged budgetary projections for the current quarter...

HE DRONES ON BUT CHET’S MUTTERINGS TAKE OVER

CHET

I never thought talking about eight hundred and sixteen billion dollars could be this boring.

SFX - DOOR OPENS, COFFEE CART IS WHEELED IN

COFFEE CART WORKER

Coffee, gentlemen?

CHET

Sir, were you born in a manger? Wheel that puppy over here, please.

COFFEE CART WORKER

Long meeting, Secretary Phillips?

CHET

I’ve never been a numbers guy.

CONGRESSIONAL DRONE 1

Fortunately there are only 87 slides left in the presentation.

CHET

Make that coffee a triple, please.

SFX - CELL PHONE BUZZ

CHET

Secretary of Defense Phillips. No, Sheila, don’t apologize for interrupting, in fact I’ll double your salary if you keep this call going as long as humanly -- what do you mean Security found the coffee cart attendant unconscious in the mens room, he’s right--

SFX - COFFEE CART ATTENDANT TOSSES THE CART ASIDE

COFFEE CART WORKER

DEATH TO THE ACOLYTES OF THE MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX!

CHET

HI-KEEBA!

SFX - CHET KNOCKS THE GUN OUT OF THE GUY’S HAND, A BIG FIGHT ENSUES, FINALLY WE HEAR A ‘THWACK’; THE COFFEE CART WORKER FALLS IN A HEAP, GROANING

CHET

That is one well-made coffee mug.

SFX - OPENING TITLES, MISSION VOICE, AND NOW WE’RE IN THE BRIEFING ROOM. BEEP BOOP, BEEP BOOP

FIGGS (ON TV)

Welcome back to Primitive Endurance. I’m your host, Figgs Rosenthal. And this little fellow at my feet could either be your best friend... or your worst enemy! It’s a cone snail!

GLORIA

(pencil scribbling)

Cone... snail...

MCGRATH

You’re taking this very seriously, Gloria. Even for you. Which is, like, seriously cubed.

GLORIA

You don’t find this fascinating?

FIGGS (ON TV)

You can spot em in warm tropical waters, their brown and white marbled shells are dead giveaways.

MCGRATH

That’s not the adjective that springs to mind, no.

FIGGS (ON TV)

But don’t get too close... their spear like teeth inject the deadliest conotoxin on earth!

GLORIA

(pencil scribbline)

Cono... toxin...

MCGRATH

OK, I admit I like the sound of spear-like poisoned teeth. Maybe Studebaker could cook me up a pair of dentures...

SFX DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

BOWDEN

Gloria, McGrath, excellent! I need your opinion on these proofs from the photo session I just did; Gary’s putting me up for the lead antagonist in ‘Gymkata 2: The Re-Quickening’, and these are visualizations of my character concept...

GLORIA

Shh, not now.

FIGGS (ON TV)

Let’s move on to the Cone Snail’s sworn enemy, the Fluted Lutefisk!

BOWDEN

What’s this hogwash?

MCGRATH

For shame, Bowden; ignoring Skip’s pre-briefing viewing assignments.

GLORIA

He asked us all to watch some episodes of Primitive Endurance, that reality survival series.

BOWDEN

In this case I ‘ignored’ nothing. I abstained on principal.

MCGRATH

Principal?! Bowden, you once stole an after party ticket from a sleeping audience member in order to meet Wes Anderson.

BOWDEN

That woman was very tired, and my point stands: so called ‘reality’ television belongs in a circle of hell somewhere between Uber drivers who cancel and people who say ‘supposebly’! Besides, isn’t this show on its eighth streaming service in six years or some insanity?

GLORIA

That’s right, their latest season will debut on 'SNIPP-O', which broadcasts its programs in seven second chunks.

FIGGS (ON TV)

The Lutefisk is just as susceptible to the cone snail’s toxin, but he can fight back with his spiny dorsal tail...

GLORIA

I wonder if Uncle Reilly watches this, the echidna recipes alone are relevant to his interests!

MCGRATH

Recipes schmecipes, I’m putting five bucks on the Lutefisk.

GLORIA

You’re on!

BOWDEN

Now, while these beasts fight, please; my Gymkata 2 proofs.

SFX - LAYING OUT PHOTOS

GLORIA

Oh... oh honey...

MCGRATH

That’s so not how you use a pommel horse.

BOWDEN

THEN WHY CALL IT A HORSE!

GLORIA

Are you wearing chaps?!

MCGRATH

Let it go, Gloria. My Lutefisk has your Cone Snail cornered!

SFX: DOOR OPENS/CLOSES, SKIP ENTERS

SKIP

Ah, a punctual, cooperating squad! That warms the cockles of my heart!

MCGRATH

ZIP IT, SKIP, THE LUTEFISK IS GOING FOR THE KILL!

GLORIA

COME ON CONE SNAIL, MOMMA NEEDS A LATTE!

SKIP

Are they... betting?

BOWDEN

On Lutefisk/Snail death porn. Which I must admit is rather compelling.

SKIP

Whoah whoah whoah! This is a government building! Gambling of any sort is strictly prohibited!

MCGRATH

Ten bucks says you can’t cite the law that says so.

SKIP

You’re on! It’s common code LL5 Chapter Six of the..........

SFX - A BEAT

MCGRATH

I won’t tell if you don’t.

SKIP

(soft)

I have become what I beheld.

GLORIA

Take that lutefisk! Pay up, Mackenzie, a bet’s a bet.

MCGRATH

It sure is. Bo, pay the lady.

BOWDEN

(grumbles)

Fine. And this brings my sushi tab down to... seventy-five--

MCGRATH

EIGHTY-TWO.

(SFX BO GRUMBLES)

Briefing time, Skip-to-my-Lou?

SKIP

Absolutely, before any more of common code LL5 gets trod on...

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

SKIP

I trust you’re all familiar with this man; Figgs Rosenthal, host of ‘Primitive Endurance’, a television program that depicts him surviving the harshest terrains on Earth.

BOWDEN

Riiight. With a cameraman and sound person two feet away at all times, and craft services four feet from them.

GLORIA

I don’t know Bo, I grew up around people who once spent a summer secretly living in Yellowstone...

SFX - SHE UNPAUSES THE VIDEO

FIGGS (ON TV)

With it’s serrated pincers, this fella slices open it’s prey’s underbelly, then sucks out its guts through its thin proboscis!

GLORIA

Something about this guy’s show rings true.

SKIP

For the next season of his show, Figgs will travel here...

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

GLORIA

Is that satellite imagery of the Amazon basin?

MCGRATH

Either that or security footage from a Rainforest Cafe that’s gone way overboard.

SKIP

That’s impressive, Gloria, how did you recognize it so quickly?

GLORIA

On season two, Figgs went into a lot of detail on how useful brazil nut trees can be in survival situations.

SKIP

Season 2? I only sent out a few clips of season 4.

GLORIA

I figured a little independent research couldn’t hurt.

BOWDEN

You binged Primitive Endurance over the weekend without my noticing?

GLORIA

You were clearly distracted learning how not to use a pommel horse.

SKIP

If you examine the image closely, you’ll notice visitors of the ‘uninvited’ variety.

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

MCGRATH

Are those military vehicles?

SKIP

Impossible to tell. But if so, they’re not regular military. That particular swath of jungle is located here--

(SFX: SLIDE PROJECTOR)

-- in Brazil’s northwestern most region near their border with Colombia and Peru. An area called “La Axila del Amazonas”.

GLORIA

The... armpit of the Amazon?

SKIP

A crude but fitting monicker. Despite its verdant appearance, absolutely nothing of any value grows within fifty miles of the spot we’re looking at. It’s bereft of gold and silver deposits, crops consistently fail, the only wildlife are insects, bats, and three species of snake famous for their complete inability to cooked.

BOWDEN

How does anyone live there?

SKIP

They don’t. When Brazil voted to formalize the rights of indigenous peoples to live on their native lands in 1988, the five tribes native to this region petitioned to be relocated to a quaint subdivision outside Fortaleza.

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

GLORIA

So the vehicles in this picture are not official military?

SKIP

Absolutely not. The last time the Brazilian army operated here, their military engineers built this dam--

(SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR)

-- to dry the area out, hoping to draw farmers back by driving away the three inch long mosquitoes.

MCGRATH

And did that... not go well?

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

SKIP

Once the mosquitoes left, eleven species of banana spiders, bullet ants, and green anacondas moved back in. It turns out a dry hell on earth is still very much a hell.

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

SKIP

Shortly after the debacle of the dam, Brazil attempted to redraw its borders, placing responsibility for the region on Colombia...

(SFX - SLIDE)

... who redrew their maps to place the region inside Peru...

(SFX - SLIDE)

... who redrew their maps leaving the region technically unincorporated. Now none of the three country’s militaries will go anywhere near the area for fear of claiming it.

BOWDEN

They just pretend it doesn’t exist?

MCGRATH

Nice to see sovereign nations handling land disputes the way I deal with my recycling.

GLORIA

A complete lack of military presence would make that part of the jungle pretty attractive to any number of nefarious groups.

SKIP

Exactly, Gloria. These vehicles could belong to poachers, loggers, drug cartels, gun runners--

MCGRATH

My money’s on gun runners. Anyone else want two to five on poachers?

SKIP

Agent McGrath...

MCGRATH

Come on, Bowden, you know you want in. Pay down that sushi tab....

SKIP

Ignore her, Bowden. Our government wants to know who these vehicles belong to and what they are doing there; increased criminal activity in this part of the world could foretell greater unrest elsewhere.

GLORIA

Satellite fly-overs can tell us where these probable ne’er do wells are, but identifying who they are and what they’re up to...

SKIP

Will require a certain amount of ‘up close and personal’. Which brings us back to Figgs Rosenthal.

SFX: SLIDE PROJECTOR

MCGRATH

Is he fighting two mountain lions with his bare hands in this picture?

GLORIA

No, he’s armed. With what looks like a... staple remover?

BOWDEN

Photoshopped within an inch if its life...

SKIP

Thanks to funding assistance from the EMF, Snipp-o has agreed to film the next season of Primitive Endurance right here, in “La Axila del Amazonas”.

MCGRATH

Oh good. I find secretive government agencies always make the best programming choices.

GLORIA

Wait a minute; the EMF officially revealed its existence to an outside entity?

SKIP

Oh, goodness no! In fact, we only became aware of the show because we're monitoring one of its advertisers...

SFX - CLICK, TV STATIC, THEN:

ATHENA (ON TV)

You’re watching Primitive Endurance, brought to you by the latest line of AthenaCorp laptops, phones, and accessories. Look. Did I try to take over the world one time? Who among us hasn’t? But if you’re willing to give me one more try and look past all the attempted murder, extortion, money laundering, fraud, witness tampering, criminal conspiracy, outright murder, perjury, larceny, impersonation of government officials, and jaywalking, you know what you’ll find? Low, low prices. Especially when you bundle all your services under an AthenaPlan! Call today. Now, get back to watching this guy run away from grizzly bears while eating dirt or whatever the hell this is.

SFX - COMMERCIAL CUTS OUT

SKIP

Furthermore, they’ve agreed to include a special celebrity guest this season.

BOWDEN

Wow, I pray for the poor bastard who ends up with that assignment.

(beat)

It’s me, isn’t it?

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

SKIP

Season seven of ‘Primitive Endurance’ with special guest star Bowden Montcrief! Promotional artwork has already been prepped.

BOWDEN

Why am I behind him! Shouldn’t the special celebrity guest be the focus here!?

GLORIA

Not with that leopard-skin thong they have you wearing.

BOWDEN

More photoshop!

MCGRATH

Is it, though?

BOWDEN

Fine, fine, fine. Whatever the mission requires. So while I’m pretending to be in real peril, where will you guys be?

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

SKIP

Monitoring your progress from above. The EMF has arranged for a weather balloon to canvas the region for the duration of the operation. Unbeknownst to anyone on the ground or at the Brazilian Weather Service, it will have three passengers: myself, Gloria, and McGrath.

BOWDEN

Will we be able to communicate?

SKIP

To some extent but only for short periods of time, using Doctor Wiles’ new monitoring and communications feed. You’ll wear this tracker/comms unit on a pendant around your neck, Bo.

GLORIA

It’s so tiny!

SKIP

It’s driven by a power source Doctor Wiles theorizes served as an emergency backup current in every Terry Chip. McGrath, did you study Doctor Wiles’ notes on using the monitoring device?

MCGRATH

Her diagrams are in magenta crayon, but I got the gist of it.

SKIP

Bowden, we’ll alert you to movements of the mystery vehicles via a coded signal through this device. And if anything goes awry on the ground, do your best to keep things under control until you can get away from the film crew and communicate with us privately the same way.

BOWDEN

Not a problem. I’ll be in about as much real danger on this mission as an O’Douls truck in Dublin. This will be a walk in the park.

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC WHICH MORPHS A LITTLE BIT INTO ANOTHER PIECE OF MUSIC - THE ‘PRIMITIVE ENDURANCE’ THEME SONG. AS THAT FADES, WE GET AMAZON JUNGLE AMBIENCE

FIGGS

The Amazon Rain Forest. Where profound beauty and vicious danger live side by side. Where mother nature giveth and taketh away, often at the same time. And where any false step might be your last. I’m Figgs Rosenthal. And welcome to a new season of Primitive Endurance!

CHELSEA

And.... cut. Excellent. Sound, how was that?

HARLEY

(always aggressively British)

CLEAN AS THE TURN ON A BEEFEATERS’S MARCH LUV!

CHELSEA

Ouuuutstanding, and finally where is our guest... ummm... what are you doing?

SFX - BOWDEN CLIPPING HIS TOENAILS

BOWDEN

Excuse me, if I have to walk barefoot through a rain forest on camera, then pristine cuticles are hardly a choice.

FIGGS

Trust me, it’s for your own good.

HARLEY

He’s smack dab right on the money there mate, shoes and socks in this part of the world are a recipe for athlete’s foot that’ll lay you up with fungus worse than a Westminster tart!

BOWDEN

That’s... very descriptive... Harley, was it?

HARLEY

Harley Hickinbottom, best live sound recorder this side a’ Dorcestor, and don’t you blokes forget it!

CHELSEA

Mister Montcrief--

BOWDEN

Bowden, please. I only go by Mister Montcrief during formal affairs such as awards shows, Deadline interviews, and while complaining to Men’s Wearhouse managers.

CHELSEA

Bowden, then. I’ve directed every episode of this show since the pilot, and you’re the first new person we’ve ever had to work into the equation.

HARLEY

Been a three person show since afore The Young Ones went into syndication, I’ll tell you what!

CHELSEA

So while you’ll have to adjust to Harley’s pathologically anglo-centric cultural references, we’re all busy adjusting to your mere presence. So maybe work with us? Pretty please? With sugar on top?

BOWDEN

We’ll fix my cuticles in post, then, shall we?

CHELSEA

As far as you know. Harley, reset.

HARLEY

I’ll be ready faster than Mo Sallah can cross the pitch at Old Trafford, what what!

SFX - CHELSEA AND HARLEY’S FOOTSTEPS AND VOICES FADE AS THEY WALK AWAY.

FIGGS

You’re doing great, Bowden, but it’s five days to Sao Felix, so, you know, pace yourself. Try not to fall too far behind.

BOWDEN

Well, if I do, I’m sure a support vehicle will pick me up.

FIGGS

I’m sorry... a what?

BOWDEN

Look, Figgs. You seem a nice enough fellow member of SAG-AFTRA...

FIGGS

Member of their Green Council Initiative!

BOWDEN

That tracks, just... I’m not here to blow your cover. Savvy?

FIGGS

That was... the worst Jack Sparrow impersonation I’ve ever heard.

BOWDEN

This is a reality show, right? That means it’s divorced from reality on a ‘Steven Seagal’ level. Clearly you’re worried I’ll give away some secrets, so you’re hiding your support staff from me--

FIGGS

Ahhhh...

BOWDEN

I’m sure they’re trailing just out of sight, so just... don’t worry. I’ve no interest in pulling back the curtain.

(beat)

And there’s nothing wrong with my Jack Sparrow, thank you very much.

FIGGS

Bowden, I must say... thank you. I’ve been puzzling over just how to fit you into our show’s equation. But now? Now I know exactly what to do with you. CHELSEA, ARE WE SET?

CHELSEA

Hundred percent, Figgs! Sound?

HARLEY

SOUND’S ROLLING SMOOTH AS A BENTLEY ON DOWNING STREET, LUV!

CHELSEA

Action!

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC, NOW WE’RE IN THE AIR ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE CREW

SKIP

How’s Bo’s tracker signal, McGrath?

MCGRATH

Brighter than a pimple on prom night. As soon as we spot those vehicles, we can get him their encrypted coordinates and let him lure the group towards them.

SKIP

Are they far into the jungle?

MCGRATH

Nah, just started. They’d been still for a good two hours.

GLORIA

That was probably Figgs trying to nail his opening narration. I read that while filming in Patagonia, he asked for so many takes that the background penguins started mimicking him!

MCGRATH

That’s this guy? Oh man, I meme’d the hell out of that overacting penguin... Skip, isn’t this ride of ours a converted weather balloon?

SKIP

The finest any South American government has to offer!

MCGRATH

That’s... not the selling point you think it is, but my question is this: why is there a cooler of Diet Doctor Pepper, a case of Slim Jims, and a stack of Rolling Stone back issues by the control room door?

SFX - METAL DOOR OPENS, EVERYONE SCREAMS

STUDEBAKER

In case I need to refill my stash, Ally Sheedy!

GLORIA

Doctor Studebaker!

MCGRATH

DOCTOR HEART ATTACKER.

SKIP

Doctor, what are you doing here?!

STUDEBAKER

I was helping Wiles retrofit this here balloon. Climbed in for a little bit of late night respite, one evening... must’ve fallen asleep!

GLORIA

That would have been days ago!

STUDEBAKER

Well, that’s not surprising, given how I was respite-ing!

SKIP

McGrath, fire up emergency comms, we have to let Section Chief Anders know Studebaker is in the field.

MCGRATH

On it...

(SFX - A PING)

Holy... what’s that?

SKIP

What’s what?

MCGRATH

I picked up a network.

SKIP

In the middle of the Amazon?

MCGRATH

It’s encrypted to hell and back, but, yeah, someone’s gotta be boosting this signal like--

SFX - WHOOSHING APPROACHES

STUDEBAKER

MISSILES! FIVE O’CLOCK!

SKIP

WAIT, WHAT’S TWELVE O’CLOCK!

GLORIA

TOO LATE, HOLD ON!

SFX - AN EXPLOSION! TRANSITION MUSIC BACK TO THE JUNGLE, PEOPLE WALKING BRISKLY

BOWDEN

(soft, to himself)

OK, guys, we’re a few hours into this, so anytime you want to radio me coordinates to move towards...

FIGGS

We’re making our way through the Amazon basin, some of the most brutal terrain any human can traverse. Right about now is when hunger sets in. Right, Bowden?

BOWDEN

(mouth full)

Mmm?

(swallows)

Sorry, I was downing some Mike and Ike’s, what about hunger?

FIGGS

Actor-of-some-note Bowden Montcrief is the first guest star we’ve ever brought with us on a ‘Primitive Endurance’ excursion, so we can forgive him for not knowing some of our ground rules.

BOWDEN

Rules, what sort of -- HEY!

SFX - FIGGS GRABS BOWDEN’S FOOD

FIGGS

Rule one, no outside food!

SFX - FIGGS TOSSES BOWDEN’S FOOD INTO THE JUNGLE

BOWDEN

Hey! That was Mike or possibly Ike!

HARLEY

What else you got in your rucksack?

BOWDEN

Just my moisturizer and leave in conditioner, you’ve no idea what this humidity can do--

FIGGS

Rule two, no creature comforts.

SFX - FIGGS THROWS BO’S PACK INTO THE JUNGLE

BOWDEN

I actually have to be impressed at the distance you got on that throw.

FIGGS

Now, just because we’re in the Amazon, where death and disease lurk around every corner like an overzealous mall kiosk vendor, that doesn’t mean you can’t find yourself some tasty snacks. Take those hives, for example...

BOWDEN

You mean the ones about twenty feet up that tree?

FIGGS

Those are meliponine hives. They’re bees who produce some of the most delicious honey in the world. And even better, meliponines are completely stingless. So it’s not the worst thing in the world to stick your hand in and pull out some confection au natural. Bowden, want to give it a try?

BOWDEN

I’m sorry, give what a--

FIGGS

Climb up there and bring us all back some honey.

BOWDEN

Stingless bees, you said?

FIGGS

Yup. Besides...

(soft)

... none of this is real, right?

BOWDEN

Right... Right! Stingless bees. This isn't a reality show, it's Indiana Jones cosplay.

FIGGS

(seething)

It sure is. Here, I'll go with you! Give you some climbing tips!

SFX - BOWDEN AND FIGGS CLIMBING

BOWDEN

Tips on tree climbing? I grab the next branch and pull, right?

FIGGS

You’re a natural!

BOWDEN

Here’s the hive... OK you evolutionary cul-de-sacs, order up.

(SFX - BO REACHES INTO THE HIVE)

Ugh. It’s just a think sticky goo... and a... what’s that....

(SFX - BUZZING)

Oh hey meliponiness, don’t mind me, I’m just here to selfishly profit off your life’s work... hey, I wonder if that means I can enter the Agent’s Guild now... OW! Hey, what the... OW! OW!

FIGGS

What’s the matter, Bo?

BOWDEN

You said these bees were stingless!

FIGGS

They are! But man, do they bite!

SFX - BO GRUNTS AND CRIES OUT IN PAIN, THEN FALLS FROM THE TREE AND CRASHES IN A PILE OF LEAVES

BOWDEN

Dirty pool, Figgs, look at my arms!

FIGGS

Here, let me give it a try...

BOWDEN

Hey, hey! Be careful up there...

CHELSEA

It’s all right, he’s done this a hundred times.

HARLEY

He’s an old pro on the level a’ Thiago Silva, mate, don’t lose a blink’a shut eye over it...

BOWDEN

But those stingless bees are going to bite him within an inch of--

SFX - FIGGS PLUNGES HIS ARM INTO THE HIVE

FIGGS

Ahhhh. Feels good! Feels REAL!

BOWDEN

Holy Saint Gary Oldman, he’s just... going for it!

FIGGS

KEEP ROLLING, CHELS; I’m pulling honey from a meliponine hive. These little suckers are biting the bejesus out of my arm, but to quote T.E. Lawrence, the trick is not minding that it hurts!

HARLEY

He’s a bloke possessed!

CHELSEA

I’ve never seen him like this... Bowden, what did you say to him?

BOWDEN

I... may have insinuated that... you know... this was all... fake.

HARLEY

Nothing sets him off worse than implying this show isn’t on the level!

FIGGS

Meliponines don’t often need to protect their hives, they’ve few predators. Only wasps, ants, centipedes, and--

BOWDEN

SPIDERS!

FIGGS

That’s right, Bowden, spiders!

CHELSEA

NO, FIGGS, HE MEANS--

FIGGS

OH GOD SPIDERS!

HARLEY

They’re all over him like housewives on a Tesco sale!

FIGGS

GET EM OFF GET EM OFF GET EM AAAAH

SFX - FIGGS FALLS OUT OF THE TREE AND CRASHES TO THE GROUND

BOWDEN

Well. That sure was some... Primitive Endurance, eh, Figgs?

(beat)

Figgs? Ohhhhhh dear...

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC

CHELSEA

I dosed Figgs up with antivenin and sedatives. Then I wrapped him in his sleeping bag, secured him to this tree high enough that ground predators won’t see him, and sprayed him with all the snake and insect repellent we had.

HARLEY

Star job, Chels. He’ll be good for a few hours while we make it to the nearest settlement and--

BOWDEN

Whoah, whoah, whoah, guys, let’s not be rash about this--

CHELSEA

Rash?! Bowden, our star just suffered enough spider bites to spawn four completely distinct movie franchises! Protocol is clear, we have to call in help!

HARLEY

Can’t film a series down a star, mate, no matter what the BBC tries every couple Doctor Whos.

BOWDEN

We do have a star.

CHELSEA

Are you joking? In your own words, your idea of roughing it is a Residence Inn with slow WiFi.

BOWDEN

I was hired to do a job, and the show will go on. Besides, what do I have to do, ultimately? Hike through a jungle and every so often point and say ‘look, a bird!’

CHELSEA

Well... I hate to admit it, but yes, that pretty much is the job...

SFX - RIBBIT

BOWDEN

Oh look! See, we’re off to a flying start! Camera and sound?

BOWDEN

Welcome back to Primitive Endurance, I’m special guest explorer Bowden Montcrief, and I’ve just made a very interesting friend... this cute little frog! Come here, buddy, hop in my lap...

CHELSEA

Ummmmmmmm.... Bowden?

BOWDEN

Whoops, he hopped under my shirt! Careful buddy, consent and all...

HARLEY

You wearing an undershirt I hope?

BOWDEN

Errrrrr, I am, why?

CHELSEA

Because your new friend is Dendrobatidae Dendrobates...

HARLEY

AKA the Poison Dart Frog!

BOWDEN

AKA the who now?

CHELSEA

His granular glands contain a toxin so potent, it can kill in seconds.

HARLEY

On top of which, his skin secretes a highly hallucinogenic sweat; one touch against you’ll be tripping like Timothy Leary!

CHELSEA

Now, no sudden movements; a poison dart frog can smell fear!

BOWDEN

AT THE MOMENT, SO CAN I.

SFX - FROG CROAKS

BOWDEN

IS IT CROAKING?! WHY’S IT CROAKING?! AM I ABOUT TO CROAK?!

CHELSEA

That’s a good sign. That’s the croak a poison dart frog emits when he’s about to eat, which he only does when he senses no danger in the area!

BOWDEN

Ooh. Hey. Hey now. Yikes, it tickles when he... oh no... oh no, he ate my track--

CHELSEA

Your what?

BOWDEN

My track... team... medal. From high school. Which I wear on a pendant. Always do!

SFX - MISTER FROGGY RIBBITS AND TAKES OFF

BOWDEN

AFTER THAT FROG!

(SFX - RUNNING)

CHELSEA

Wow, I guess he did run track!

BOWDEN

(SFX - CROAK)

Oh it’s like that, froggy!? You get all up close and personal and then just scamper off? Who do you think you are, Billy Crudup!

HARLEY

Bo, be careful, that ground looks--

SFX - BO LEAPS, THE FROG CROAKS, THE GROUND GIVES WAY, BO GOES SLIDING - WE HEAR BO CRASH DOWN A HILL,, then SPLASH, HE LANDS IN A WATER HOLE OF SOME ILK

BOWDEN

Ugh... wow, where did I--

SFX - LOW GROWLS. LOTS OF LOW GROWLS.

BOWDEN

Ohhhhhh my.

SFX - FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

CHELSEA

Help me down Harley--

BOWDEN

Um, guys...

CHELSEA

Bo, are you--holy smokes.

BOWDEN

My sentiments exactly.

CHELSEA

These are Amazonian Pantheras.

BOWDEN

You’ve seen them before?

CHELSEA

No one’s seen these for thousands of years. Bowden Montcrief, you just discovered an animal long thought extinct!

BOWDEN

I did?

CHELSEA

Uh-huh.

BOWDEN

Not quite as impressive a the time I found a WeHo bar that validated parking but I admit it sounds cool.

SFX - MORE AND MORE GROWLS

CHELSEA

Oh... oh my...

HARLEY

These things are really not extinct!

BOWDEN

No... but if they’re as hungry as they look, we may soon be...

SFX - TRANSITION - ELSEWHERE IN THE JUNGLE, WE HEAR SOMETHING ON FIRE IN THE NEAR DISTANCE, GROANING AND SHUFFLING

SKIP

Oh... McGrath!? Gloria? Doctor Studebaker?

GLORIA

Skip!

GLORIA

And Doctor Studebaker!

STUDEBAKER

Bob Hope, Dinah Shore, Karen Valentine, thank the stars!

MCGRATH

Damn, the crash didn’t fix him.

STUDEBAKER

What in the name of Jacques Montgolfier happened up there?!

GLORIA

A heat seeking missile honed right in on our burner.

MCGRATH

And not five seconds after I connected to that mystery network.

SKIP

Who could be boosting a communications signal this deep into a barren wasteland?

MCGRATH

Well, either ocelots like Candy Crush or somebody out here needs to get a ton of data to someone out there. And in near real-time.

STUDEBAKER

It’s probably not the ocelots.

MCGRATH

You really earned that doctorate.

SKIP

Hold on... excellent! Our Bowden tracker also survived the fall.

MCGRATH

He’s headed east... no... north. East. South. North. Oh dear.

GLORIA

Is he... hopping?!

SKIP

If so, we should be able to catch up to him!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION, EVERYBODY STILL RUNNING TOWARDS A DISTANT ‘RIBBIT’

SKIP

I had no idea Bowden could move that quickly!

MCGRATH

Or change directions like a Tron light cycle.

GLORIA

He likes to brag about his movement classes, but this is insane!

MCGRATH

He’s slowing down... he’s stopping... OK, he’s here, he’s got to be.

STUDEBAKER

If he is, he’s gotten waaaay more transparent since I saw him last.

MCGRATH

Give it a minute to recalibrate... OK, he just moved.

SFX - AS THE TEAM DESCRIBES THE TRACKER MOVEMENTS THE SOUND OF THE RIBBIT MOVES

MCGRATH

He moved again. And again...

GLORIA

We should be seeing movement in those bushes, then...

MCGRATH

He’s moving left... now right... now left...

SKIP

Oh no....

SFX - SKIP GRABS THE FROG

SKIP

I think this frog is Bowden!

GLORIA

If you think I’m kissing it to check...

SKIP

No, what I mean is if Bowden lost his tracker...

STUDEBAKER

And this little fella ate it...

MCGRATH

Then follow that frog; being down a balloon means that tracker’s the only way we can call for an extraction!

GLORIA

Hold on, I’ve got him... whoah, whoah... he’s a slippery fella!

MCGRATH

It’s all right, I’ve got him... and NO I DON’T--

SKIP

I’ve got him--SO SLIPPERY!

GLORIA

After him!

MCGRATH

Which way did he... huh...

GLORIA

Huh?

SKIP

I think... wait...

STUDEBAKER

Got you, Pepe! OOOOH, SLIMY SLIMY SLIMY GET IT OFF ME!

SFX - RIBBIT

GLORIA

Whoah... my head...

STUDEBAKER

Huh. That frog is... familiar looking...

SKIP

Wow, Doc, the words coming out of your mouth are beautiful...

MCGRATH

Ever notice how your hand blurs when you move it slow like...

GLORIA

My head... wait... your head... your heads... McKenzie, you grew a second head!

MCGRATH

Cooooool beans... how’s it look?

GLORIA

Goooooooorgeous like the petals of the flowers that Skip’s hands just turned into...

STUDEBAKER

The frog... I think that’s the kind of frog who’s sweat is... is...

SKIP

Is what, Doc?

STUDEBAKER

.... DELICIOUS! COME HERE! OOF!

SFX - STUDEBAKER DIVES AT THE FROG BUT MISSES. IT HOPS OFF.

GLORIA

Away he’s a hopping...

MCGRATH

KERMIT WAIT! IT’S ME, YOUR SWEET PIGGY!

SFX - MCGRATH TAKES OFF

SKIP

I feel like we need that frog for something...

GLORIA

Yeah... we have to sing Rainbow Connection!

ALL

YAY! AFTER THAT FROG!

SFX - TRANSITION BACK TO THE JUNGLE WITH THE GROWLING PANTHERAS

BOWDEN

Niiiiice pantheras.... who are good extinct puppies? Who are good extinct puppies? You are! You are!

HARLEY

That actually seems to calm them...

CHELSEA

You have a lot of experience talking down violent predators?

BOWDEN

Well, I have worked for Miramax...

SFX - THE PANTHERAS SCURRY OFF

BOWDEN

Huh. And stay gone!

CHELSEA

That wasn’t you...

SFX - ENGINES GETTING CLOSER

HARLEY

Lorries? This is the middle of the worst place on Earth!

BOWDEN

They sound like they’re just over this ridge, here, climb up with me...

SFX - BRANCHES PUSHED ASIDE - THEY GASP

CHELSEA

Those aren’t just trucks, that’s heavy duty mining equipment!

HARLEY

Being watched by men with heavier duty machine guns!

BOWDEN

And there are way more than two of them...

HARLEY

Hang about... you expected to run across a mining operation?

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

(distant)

Did you hear that?

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

(distant)

What?

CHELSEA

(soft)

They heard us!

BOWDEN

(soft)

DOWN!

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

Voices this way...

SFX - DISTANT FOOTSTEPS, GUNS COCKING

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

Hold on. We should fire up the comms network, contact HQ for guidance.

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

Nonsense. I’ve got autonomy in the field, we check this out. We already shot down that weather balloon after it found our encrypted comms network, we need to know what’s going on.

BOWDEN

(soft)

Shot down! Oh no...

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

If anyone outside the company finds that Rhodium deposit...

SFX - THE EVIL GUYS ARGUE SOFTLY

HARLEY

(softly)

Rhodium...

BOWDEN

(softly)

You’ve heard of it?

HARLEY

(softly)

Aye mate, when we filmed in South Africa. The rarest element on Earth!

CHELSEA

(softly)

Only 30 tons are mined worldwide in any given year, a deposit could be worth billions...

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

It’s my call. We’re checking it.

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

Fine. Do it your way. Why should here be any different than at home...

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

Do we have to do this now, Bryce...

SFX - THEY’RE GETTING CLOSER....

BOWDEN

(soft)

Everyone stay absolutely silent...

SFX - THEY ALL LAY DOWN AS SUDDENLY THE SOUNDS OF A HOWLER MONKEY FILL THE AIR

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

Good god, that’s an awful din!

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

See? A howler monkey, that’s all you heard. Quick. Let’s get back to the equipment, we’ve got two more sites to strip mine before sunset.

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

First radio base, then coordinate with teams B and C. We’re all going to need more explosives.

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

Fine, fine, fine. Your needs first.

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

OUR NEEDS, BRYCE.

SFX - THE FOOTSTEPS GO AWAY

CHELSEA

(soft)

Bo, that was amazing!

HARLEY

(soft)

Where did you learn to imitate a howler monkey!

BOWDEN

I could cook up a story that I learned it for a failed Tarzan reboot, but... guys, we’re knee deep in real trouble here, and the people who’d normally help me handle this, well... I’m not... I can’t think about it right now. I could really use your help. But before you say yes or know, it’s only fair you know what’s really going on.

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC - TRIPPING AGENTS WANDERING THROUGH A JUNGLE, SOMEONE DIGGING

MCGRATH

Guys... guys... mister froggy is down here, I know it, help me dig--

GLORIA

Your words are the brightest orange when they slide out of your mouths! Dig here?

MCGRATH

Yeah, I saw him hop to China, but if we hurry, we can beat him!

GLORIA

Dig dig dig, dig dig dig...

STUDEBAKER

Hey Chachi! Chachi!

SKIP

Doctor what a lovely coat of peacock feathers you’ve grown...

STUDEBAKER

I think we’re all tripping the light fantastic on hallucinogenic frog sweat...

SKIP

Well, you’re the expert! And so are you, and you, and oh, you’re the expert too, Mister Cocoa Tree!

STUDEBAKER

Man I want to catch that frog, this is the good stuff...

SKIP

Why yes, Mister Cocoa Tree, I do use Invisalign! For not having any eyes, you’re very observant. OH! There are your eyes!

GLORIA

I made it! I’ve dug all they way through to China!

MCGRATH

No Gloria, that’s Mars! Dig down!

STUDEBAKER

... but I really feel like we were supposed to be doing something...

SFX - RIBBITS THAT TURN INTO BO’S VOICE, REVERBING

FROGGY BO

Why right you are. You should be looking for me.

ALL

Bowden!

SKIP

When did you turn into a half man half frog in a sequin tuxedo!

MCGRATH

IS THIS CHINA!

FROGGY BO

Don’t fret the details, there are more things in Heaven and Earth, than are dreamt of in your philosophy!

GLORIA

Yikes, maybe I do have to kiss you!

FROGGY BO

No need to kiss, no need to flee, no need to converse with Mister Cocoa the tree, just hop on your Vespas and follow me! Ciao!

SFX - A VESPA SCOOTER TAKES OFF, THE SOUNDS A MAGICAL FAIRY DUST SHIMMERING ALONG WITH IT

SKIP

Wait, I don’t know how to drive a Vespa!

MCGRATH

And I simply refuse to learn!

GLORIA

Froggy Bowden, where are you going!

STUDEBAKER

Maybe he’ll take us to real Bowden!

SKIP

And... I think... that’s what we were doing... before?

MCGRATH

He’s headed for the dam!

SKIP

Language!

GLORIA

After Froggy Bo!

SFX - TRANSITION BACK TO BO, CHELSEA, HARLEY

CHELSEA

So... this is a secret government mission?

BOWDEN

And it was never supposed to put you in harm’s way. If you want out... I understand.

HARLEY

What’s this one on about, oy?!

CHELSEA

Are you kidding, this is the most excitement we’ve had in years!.

HARLEY

If I never have to listen to Figgs explain how to survive on your own urine again, it’ll be too soon.

CHELSEA

Besides. We consider ourselves documentarians first, creators of so called ‘reality TV’ second.

BOWDEN

I... never looked at it that way...

HARLEY

And if these wankers are strip mining Rhodium--

CHELSEA

--near indigenous grave sites and the last remaining habitat of a long-thought extinct species--

HARLEY

That’s news, no matter what brand of the King’s English you speak!

SFX - ENGINES AND MEN APPROACH

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

(distant)

All right, this is the zone! Start planting!

CHELSEA

They’re back! And planting high powered explosives!

HARLEY

And sure enough, right along where we found those Pantheras!

CHELSEA

God, it’s an ecological nightmare.

BOWDEN

Unless...

SFX - TRANSITION TO THE MINING OPERATION

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

Hey hey hey, be careful where you’re laying that ammonium nitrate! We’re awful close to that dam, we don’t want to breach it!

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

OK, well then where do you want the explosives?

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

I don’t know... over there by that old graveyard should be fine, just not near the damn or my truck.

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

(to himself)

Hhmph. When we bought it, it was our truck...

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

Let’s not do this here, Bryce!

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

(cocking his gun)

HEY YOU, GET DOWN!

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

OK, FINE, I’M SORRY, LET’S TALK ABOUT THE TRUCK THING--

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

Not you, Kyle, him!

BOWDEN

Hey there friend, no need to bring high caliber ammunition into this equation--

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

Hold on... this guy looks familiar...

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

We run into your exes everywhere, why should the jungle be different.

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

DAMMIT BRYCE NOT NOW!

BOWDEN

I’m scouting this region for future episodes of the reality TV show ‘Primitive Endurance’, and I need a sense of what this part of the area looks like empty. Especially the dam. Could you give me, maybe, a few hundred yards of clearance?

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

(soft)

We’re already behind schedule, teams B and C want a check-in at ten.

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

(soft)

Yeah, but we’re also can’t afford anyone recording us in this valley.

(to Bowden)

Give us five minutes!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION, HEAVY MACHINERY FIRING UP AND MOVING

HARLEY

(soft)

It’s working, they’re starting to move out!

SFX - RIBBIT

CHELSEA

Holy smokes, is that the same frog from before?

HARLEY

See, that’s not my first question.

CHELSEA

Oh, what would that be?

HARLEY

Who in the name of Saint Elton John are they?!

SFX - AD-LIBBED CHAOS AS THE EMF PLOWS THROUGH FULL SPRINT

STUDEBAKER

MAKE ROOM FOLKS MAKE ROOM!

GLORIA

FROGGY BO WE’RE COMING!

CHELSEA

They’re running right into the mining zone. Follow them!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

Erm, excuse me, Mister Montcrief?

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

Yeah, you about done? We’re on a schedule here...

BOWDEN

Schedule? Schedule? Sir, you stand in the presence of millennia worth of natural wonder. They very lungs of our planet work tirelessly around you day and night, as creatures as small as the fairyfly and as large as the Amazonian manatee dance a complex tango a balance as old as life itself!

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

I was just asking...

SFX - RIBBIT, FOLLOWED BY LOTS OF PEOPLE RUNNING

SKIP

FROGGY BO HOPPED THIS WAY!

GLORIA

HE’S MAKING FOR THE DAM!

CHELSEA

SLOW DOWN, MY STEADICAM CAN’T STEADY!

MCGRATH

WE’RE ALMOST TO CHINA NOW, BABY!

STUDEBAKER

ALLONS-Y!

SFX - AND THEY’RE ALL GONE

BOWDEN

Actually I’m done, rain forest is yours, Kthxbai!

SFX - BOWDEN’S OFF

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

CALL IN THE SECURITY DETAIL, SOMETHING’S WRONG!

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE (ON COMMS)

Something’s been wrong since Cabo, only you won’t talk about it--

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

NOT NOW, BRYCE!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION, WE HEAR HELICOPTERS AND HEAVY MACHINERY MOVING IN

BOWDEN

GUYS! I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE ALL OK, BUT WHAT IN THE HECTOR ELIZONDO IS GOING ON HERE!

GLORIA

You turned into a tuxedoed frog and

we’re chasing you to Mars!

MCGRATH

CHINA, GLORIA, KEEP UP!

BOWDEN

Wait wait wait... did you guys touch the tiny frog that ate my tracker?!

STUDEBAKER

BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O, ANDY GRIFFITH, WE’RE ALL TRIPPING BALLS!

BOWDEN

Chelsea, the anti-hallucinogens from your med kit, quick! MCGRATH! SNACK!

MCGRATH

Oooh hell yes!

GLORIA

Gloria, energy drink!

GLORIA

Ooh I’ll need that if we’re going to make it to Mars slash China!

BOWDEN

And Skip, you just drink this!

SKIP

Must stay hydrated!

BOWDEN

Here, Doctor--

STUDEBAKER

Don’t have to tell me twice, Rutger Hauer, this has been a bad trip from the word blotto!

BOWDEN

How fast does this stuff work, Chelsea?

GLORIA

Well, we’re being chased my military vehicles that’s not usually a positive!

CHELSEA

Fast!

BOWDEN

OK, team! You’ve all been hallucinating on amphibian sweat!

MCGRATH

So... this isn’t China...

BOWDEN

Correct, and there’s no time to being you all the way up to speed, but we’ve got to get my tracker out of that frog so we can call in an extraction!

HARLEY

There's the little bugger! He stopped on that pile of plastic the miners left behind!

STUDEBAKER

THAT AIN’T PLASTIC, THAT’S--

SFX - KA-BLAM!

STUDEBAKER

Yeah, it’s that.

MCGRATH

Poor Kermit just connected with that rainbow.

GLORIA

Now there’s no way to contact the extraction team!

BOWDEN

Actually... Dam!

GLORIA

What is it, what’s wrong?

BOWDEN

Dam dam! Dam dam dam!

SKIP

Oh now, have you been struck by collateral hallucinogenic frog sweat?!

MCGRATH

Of all the sentences that should never make sense...

BOWDEN

Everyone! There’s way more explosive still around us: so very carefully, and I mean VERY VERY VERY carefully, grab some and follow me!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION, WE’RE INSIDE A TRUCK CAB

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

What are those guys....

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

They’re dragging our explosives closer to the dam!

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

They’re bluffing. They’d never...

(SFX - COMMS)

Everyone move in, attack pattern alpha!

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

Beta would be safer given the terrain...

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

ALPHA! REPEAT! ALPHA!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

BOWDEN

Here! Leave them here!

SKIP

At the base of the dam?!

BOWDEN

There’s only one other way to summon the extraction team.

MCGRATH

A cataclysm of notable proportion.

CHELSEA

Define... notable?

HARLEY

I’d actually rather they didn’t.

STUDEBAKER

If we’re gonna go all ‘Force 10 from Navarone’ on this dam I’d rather not be here when we do it!

HARLEY

Here here!

MCGRATH

Hey, director lady! Does that camera have a timer feature?

CHELSEA

It sure does.

MCGRATH

Doc, wanna help me do some emergency surgery on a camera?

STUDEBAKER

Was Frank Sinatra secretly married to a peanut farmer from Tuscaloosa?

MCGRATH

............. yes?

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION - THE BAD GUYS TRUCKS STOP

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

Alpha 1, go... alpha 2, cover me!

SFX - FOOTSTEPS AS THEY RUN FROM THEIR TRACKS TO....

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

Where are they?

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

I don’t know, all they left is this camera... which....

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

It’s counting down, isn’t it?

(beat)

ISN’T --

SFX - BEEP. KABOOM. WATER RUSHING. BAD GUYS CRY OUT AS THEY’RE WASHED AWAY - TRANSITION MUSIC - IDYLLIC JUNGLE SOUNDS

CHELSEA

It’s beautiful...

HARLEY

Prettiest sight this side of Elizabeth Hurley’s smile, I say!

GLORIA

To think, the government dammed this waterway just because they didn’t want to deal with this region...

SKIP

... never realizing it was home to long thought extinct Pantheras.

BOWDEN

They’re coming out of the woodwork to partake of the returning waters!

MCGRATH

They’re not the only ones who’ll want a taste of this place.

CHELSEA

True enough. Once the world finds out there’s Rhodium here...

SFX - HELICOPTERS SWOOP IN AND LAND. A DOOR OPENS, SOLDIERS FAN OUT

JAMBO

Lieutenant Colonel Ron Jambo reporting for extraction duty!

SKIP

Well timed Colonel!

JAMBO

Four agents, two civilians... where’s the third?

CHELSEA

Strapped in a hammock and dosed up with and sedatives about two clicks to the north.

JAMBO

Actually sounds like he’s having a pretty good time. Hey agents! Home office is anxious for a check-in

ZELDA (ON COMMS)

Skip? Did you find out what these illegal strip miners were after?

SKIP

They weren’t strip miners, Section Chief.

CHET (ON COMMS)

They weren’t?

BOWDEN

SecDef Phillips, as I live and breathe.

SKIP

Listening in on a simple debrief, Secretary?

ZELDA (ON TV)

He is, at his insistence and over my.... strenuous objections.

CHET (ON COMMS)

All the gear we picked up on satellite imagery suggested strip miners. We’re obviously interested, from a... purely scientific perspective.

MCGRATH

Purely, I’m sure.

CHET (ON TV)

What were they mining--

SKIP

Nothing, sir. These were poachers.

CHET (ON COMMS)

Poachers? With that gear? That--

CHE,LSEA

I can confirm sir. I’ve been all over the world, seen all sorts of illegal hunting operations, sometimes from the business end.

HARLEY

These guys were poachers all the way.

SKIP

They were hunting the Giant Amazonian Panthera, long thought extinct.

GLORIA

And now that these poachers destroyed the Axilios Dam in an effort to kill us--

MCGRATH

Sweeping themselves away in the process--

STUDEBAKER

The animals are coming back to roost. Nature is healing, Secretary Guy Lombardo. Nature is healing.

ZELDA (ON COMMS)

And this is your official report? Confirmed by civilian witnesses?

EVERYONE

It is.

ZELDA (ON COMMS)

Then come on home, agents.

JAMBO

All right, everybody onboard!

BOWDEN

Give us a minute, Colonel?

JAMBO

Sixty tics, mark! Don’t dawdle. Hop on Emil.

(SFX - SKINK CHITTERING)

Good call, Emil. Balance the load.

BOWDEN

So... we’re all OK with lying through our teeth to both our Section Chief and the newest member of the presidential cabinet?

MCGRATH

I mean, it never gets old for me.

SKIP

In order to keep this balance of nature in place... it’s necessary.

CHELSEA

I suppose this means we’re going to have to wipe our tapes so none of this ever gets out.

GLORIA

Afraid so, Chelsea.

HARLEY

Ahhh it s’allright, Shed no tears, love. We may be filmmakers and documentarians...

CHELSEA

... but we do this job mainly for the love of nature. If protecting it means wiping a few flash drives, so be it.

SKIP

I suppose you were right all along Bowden... there’s ultimately not a whole lot of reality here in this sort of TV.

BOWDEN

And sometimes a little fiction can save the world. Or at least the Amazonian Panthera.

GLORIA

Hold on, where’s Studebaker?

MCGRATH

For the love of... there he is, HEY DOC! Get over here if you don't want to get left in the jungle!

STUDEBAKER

Coming, Tuesday Weld, I’m right here. But I’d be remiss in my duties as a psychopharmacologist if I didn't find another one of these bad boys to bring home and study!

SFX - RIBBIT

STUDEBAKER

Okay, little buddy, you jump right down Doctor Biff’s shirt...

(SFX - MUFFLED RIBBIT)

Ohhhhh yeah, THIS IS GONNA BE SOME FLIGHT!

SFX - END CREDIT MUSIC. AFTER THE CREDITS, THE SOUND OF A ROARING RIVER

EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE

IIII SAAAAAID ATTACK PLAN BEEEEETA....

EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE

NOOOOOT NOOOOOW BRYYYYYYCE.....

SFX - STINGER END MUSIC