Season Five, Episode Three: “Naked and Dismayed”
Recording Script
SFX - SOME OFFICE IN THE HALLOWED HALLS OF CONGRESS. THE CONGRESSIONAL DRONE WHO’S SPEAKING IS A REAL BEN STEIN TYPE
CONGRESSIONAL DRONE 1
... of the two hundred and thirty point nine billion requested balanced against the two hundred and four point five enacted as of Q4 2021...
(SLIDE CLICK)
And the two hundred twenty point six enacted as of Q4 2022...
(SLIDE CLICK)
Air Force projected spending for current Q2 stands at 23 percent of enacted but not yet engaged funding... er, Secretary?
CHET
Yeah?
CONGRESSIONAL DRONE 1
Are you... jamming an unfolded paper clip into your leg?
CHET
Just making sure I’m still alive. Having to sit through this presentation gave me some doubts.
CONGRESSIONAL DRONE 1
So... you’re sure you’re alive?
CHET
To my chagrin.
CONGRESSIONAL DRONE 1
(beat)
Moving on to Naval enacted versus engaged budgetary projections for the current quarter...
HE DRONES ON BUT CHET’S MUTTERINGS TAKE OVER
CHET
I never thought talking about eight hundred and sixteen billion dollars could be this boring.
SFX - DOOR OPENS, COFFEE CART IS WHEELED IN
COFFEE CART WORKER
Coffee, gentlemen?
CHET
Sir, were you born in a manger? Wheel that puppy over here, please.
COFFEE CART WORKER
Long meeting, Secretary Phillips?
CHET
I’ve never been a numbers guy.
CONGRESSIONAL DRONE 1
Fortunately there are only 87 slides left in the presentation.
CHET
Make that coffee a triple, please.
SFX - CELL PHONE BUZZ
CHET
Secretary of Defense Phillips. No, Sheila, don’t apologize for interrupting, in fact I’ll double your salary if you keep this call going as long as humanly -- what do you mean Security found the coffee cart attendant unconscious in the mens room, he’s right--
SFX - COFFEE CART ATTENDANT TOSSES THE CART ASIDE
COFFEE CART WORKER
DEATH TO THE ACOLYTES OF THE MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX!
CHET
HI-KEEBA!
SFX - CHET KNOCKS THE GUN OUT OF THE GUY’S HAND, A BIG FIGHT ENSUES, FINALLY WE HEAR A ‘THWACK’; THE COFFEE CART WORKER FALLS IN A HEAP, GROANING
CHET
That is one well-made coffee mug.
SFX - OPENING TITLES, MISSION VOICE, AND NOW WE’RE IN THE BRIEFING ROOM. BEEP BOOP, BEEP BOOP
FIGGS (ON TV)
Welcome back to Primitive Endurance. I’m your host, Figgs Rosenthal. And this little fellow at my feet could either be your best friend... or your worst enemy! It’s a cone snail!
GLORIA
(pencil scribbling)
Cone... snail...
MCGRATH
You’re taking this very seriously, Gloria. Even for you. Which is, like, seriously cubed.
GLORIA
You don’t find this fascinating?
FIGGS (ON TV)
You can spot em in warm tropical waters, their brown and white marbled shells are dead giveaways.
MCGRATH
That’s not the adjective that springs to mind, no.
FIGGS (ON TV)
But don’t get too close... their spear like teeth inject the deadliest conotoxin on earth!
GLORIA
(pencil scribbline)
Cono... toxin...
MCGRATH
OK, I admit I like the sound of spear-like poisoned teeth. Maybe Studebaker could cook me up a pair of dentures...
SFX DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
BOWDEN
Gloria, McGrath, excellent! I need your opinion on these proofs from the photo session I just did; Gary’s putting me up for the lead antagonist in ‘Gymkata 2: The Re-Quickening’, and these are visualizations of my character concept...
GLORIA
Shh, not now.
FIGGS (ON TV)
Let’s move on to the Cone Snail’s sworn enemy, the Fluted Lutefisk!
BOWDEN
What’s this hogwash?
MCGRATH
For shame, Bowden; ignoring Skip’s pre-briefing viewing assignments.
GLORIA
He asked us all to watch some episodes of Primitive Endurance, that reality survival series.
BOWDEN
In this case I ‘ignored’ nothing. I abstained on principal.
MCGRATH
Principal?! Bowden, you once stole an after party ticket from a sleeping audience member in order to meet Wes Anderson.
BOWDEN
That woman was very tired, and my point stands: so called ‘reality’ television belongs in a circle of hell somewhere between Uber drivers who cancel and people who say ‘supposebly’! Besides, isn’t this show on its eighth streaming service in six years or some insanity?
GLORIA
That’s right, their latest season will debut on 'SNIPP-O', which broadcasts its programs in seven second chunks.
FIGGS (ON TV)
The Lutefisk is just as susceptible to the cone snail’s toxin, but he can fight back with his spiny dorsal tail...
GLORIA
I wonder if Uncle Reilly watches this, the echidna recipes alone are relevant to his interests!
MCGRATH
Recipes schmecipes, I’m putting five bucks on the Lutefisk.
GLORIA
You’re on!
BOWDEN
Now, while these beasts fight, please; my Gymkata 2 proofs.
SFX - LAYING OUT PHOTOS
GLORIA
Oh... oh honey...
MCGRATH
That’s so not how you use a pommel horse.
BOWDEN
THEN WHY CALL IT A HORSE!
GLORIA
Are you wearing chaps?!
MCGRATH
Let it go, Gloria. My Lutefisk has your Cone Snail cornered!
SFX: DOOR OPENS/CLOSES, SKIP ENTERS
SKIP
Ah, a punctual, cooperating squad! That warms the cockles of my heart!
MCGRATH
ZIP IT, SKIP, THE LUTEFISK IS GOING FOR THE KILL!
GLORIA
COME ON CONE SNAIL, MOMMA NEEDS A LATTE!
SKIP
Are they... betting?
BOWDEN
On Lutefisk/Snail death porn. Which I must admit is rather compelling.
SKIP
Whoah whoah whoah! This is a government building! Gambling of any sort is strictly prohibited!
MCGRATH
Ten bucks says you can’t cite the law that says so.
SKIP
You’re on! It’s common code LL5 Chapter Six of the..........
SFX - A BEAT
MCGRATH
I won’t tell if you don’t.
SKIP
(soft)
I have become what I beheld.
GLORIA
Take that lutefisk! Pay up, Mackenzie, a bet’s a bet.
MCGRATH
It sure is. Bo, pay the lady.
BOWDEN
(grumbles)
Fine. And this brings my sushi tab down to... seventy-five--
MCGRATH
EIGHTY-TWO.
(SFX BO GRUMBLES)
Briefing time, Skip-to-my-Lou?
SKIP
Absolutely, before any more of common code LL5 gets trod on...
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
SKIP
I trust you’re all familiar with this man; Figgs Rosenthal, host of ‘Primitive Endurance’, a television program that depicts him surviving the harshest terrains on Earth.
BOWDEN
Riiight. With a cameraman and sound person two feet away at all times, and craft services four feet from them.
GLORIA
I don’t know Bo, I grew up around people who once spent a summer secretly living in Yellowstone...
SFX - SHE UNPAUSES THE VIDEO
FIGGS (ON TV)
With it’s serrated pincers, this fella slices open it’s prey’s underbelly, then sucks out its guts through its thin proboscis!
GLORIA
Something about this guy’s show rings true.
SKIP
For the next season of his show, Figgs will travel here...
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
GLORIA
Is that satellite imagery of the Amazon basin?
MCGRATH
Either that or security footage from a Rainforest Cafe that’s gone way overboard.
SKIP
That’s impressive, Gloria, how did you recognize it so quickly?
GLORIA
On season two, Figgs went into a lot of detail on how useful brazil nut trees can be in survival situations.
SKIP
Season 2? I only sent out a few clips of season 4.
GLORIA
I figured a little independent research couldn’t hurt.
BOWDEN
You binged Primitive Endurance over the weekend without my noticing?
GLORIA
You were clearly distracted learning how not to use a pommel horse.
SKIP
If you examine the image closely, you’ll notice visitors of the ‘uninvited’ variety.
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
MCGRATH
Are those military vehicles?
SKIP
Impossible to tell. But if so, they’re not regular military. That particular swath of jungle is located here--
(SFX: SLIDE PROJECTOR)
-- in Brazil’s northwestern most region near their border with Colombia and Peru. An area called “La Axila del Amazonas”.
GLORIA
The... armpit of the Amazon?
SKIP
A crude but fitting monicker. Despite its verdant appearance, absolutely nothing of any value grows within fifty miles of the spot we’re looking at. It’s bereft of gold and silver deposits, crops consistently fail, the only wildlife are insects, bats, and three species of snake famous for their complete inability to cooked.
BOWDEN
How does anyone live there?
SKIP
They don’t. When Brazil voted to formalize the rights of indigenous peoples to live on their native lands in 1988, the five tribes native to this region petitioned to be relocated to a quaint subdivision outside Fortaleza.
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
GLORIA
So the vehicles in this picture are not official military?
SKIP
Absolutely not. The last time the Brazilian army operated here, their military engineers built this dam--
(SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR)
-- to dry the area out, hoping to draw farmers back by driving away the three inch long mosquitoes.
MCGRATH
And did that... not go well?
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
SKIP
Once the mosquitoes left, eleven species of banana spiders, bullet ants, and green anacondas moved back in. It turns out a dry hell on earth is still very much a hell.
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
SKIP
Shortly after the debacle of the dam, Brazil attempted to redraw its borders, placing responsibility for the region on Colombia...
(SFX - SLIDE)
... who redrew their maps to place the region inside Peru...
(SFX - SLIDE)
... who redrew their maps leaving the region technically unincorporated. Now none of the three country’s militaries will go anywhere near the area for fear of claiming it.
BOWDEN
They just pretend it doesn’t exist?
MCGRATH
Nice to see sovereign nations handling land disputes the way I deal with my recycling.
GLORIA
A complete lack of military presence would make that part of the jungle pretty attractive to any number of nefarious groups.
SKIP
Exactly, Gloria. These vehicles could belong to poachers, loggers, drug cartels, gun runners--
MCGRATH
My money’s on gun runners. Anyone else want two to five on poachers?
SKIP
Agent McGrath...
MCGRATH
Come on, Bowden, you know you want in. Pay down that sushi tab....
SKIP
Ignore her, Bowden. Our government wants to know who these vehicles belong to and what they are doing there; increased criminal activity in this part of the world could foretell greater unrest elsewhere.
GLORIA
Satellite fly-overs can tell us where these probable ne’er do wells are, but identifying who they are and what they’re up to...
SKIP
Will require a certain amount of ‘up close and personal’. Which brings us back to Figgs Rosenthal.
SFX: SLIDE PROJECTOR
MCGRATH
Is he fighting two mountain lions with his bare hands in this picture?
GLORIA
No, he’s armed. With what looks like a... staple remover?
BOWDEN
Photoshopped within an inch if its life...
SKIP
Thanks to funding assistance from the EMF, Snipp-o has agreed to film the next season of Primitive Endurance right here, in “La Axila del Amazonas”.
MCGRATH
Oh good. I find secretive government agencies always make the best programming choices.
GLORIA
Wait a minute; the EMF officially revealed its existence to an outside entity?
SKIP
Oh, goodness no! In fact, we only became aware of the show because we're monitoring one of its advertisers...
SFX - CLICK, TV STATIC, THEN:
ATHENA (ON TV)
You’re watching Primitive Endurance, brought to you by the latest line of AthenaCorp laptops, phones, and accessories. Look. Did I try to take over the world one time? Who among us hasn’t? But if you’re willing to give me one more try and look past all the attempted murder, extortion, money laundering, fraud, witness tampering, criminal conspiracy, outright murder, perjury, larceny, impersonation of government officials, and jaywalking, you know what you’ll find? Low, low prices. Especially when you bundle all your services under an AthenaPlan! Call today. Now, get back to watching this guy run away from grizzly bears while eating dirt or whatever the hell this is.
SFX - COMMERCIAL CUTS OUT
SKIP
Furthermore, they’ve agreed to include a special celebrity guest this season.
BOWDEN
Wow, I pray for the poor bastard who ends up with that assignment.
(beat)
It’s me, isn’t it?
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
SKIP
Season seven of ‘Primitive Endurance’ with special guest star Bowden Montcrief! Promotional artwork has already been prepped.
BOWDEN
Why am I behind him! Shouldn’t the special celebrity guest be the focus here!?
GLORIA
Not with that leopard-skin thong they have you wearing.
BOWDEN
More photoshop!
MCGRATH
Is it, though?
BOWDEN
Fine, fine, fine. Whatever the mission requires. So while I’m pretending to be in real peril, where will you guys be?
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
SKIP
Monitoring your progress from above. The EMF has arranged for a weather balloon to canvas the region for the duration of the operation. Unbeknownst to anyone on the ground or at the Brazilian Weather Service, it will have three passengers: myself, Gloria, and McGrath.
BOWDEN
Will we be able to communicate?
SKIP
To some extent but only for short periods of time, using Doctor Wiles’ new monitoring and communications feed. You’ll wear this tracker/comms unit on a pendant around your neck, Bo.
GLORIA
It’s so tiny!
SKIP
It’s driven by a power source Doctor Wiles theorizes served as an emergency backup current in every Terry Chip. McGrath, did you study Doctor Wiles’ notes on using the monitoring device?
MCGRATH
Her diagrams are in magenta crayon, but I got the gist of it.
SKIP
Bowden, we’ll alert you to movements of the mystery vehicles via a coded signal through this device. And if anything goes awry on the ground, do your best to keep things under control until you can get away from the film crew and communicate with us privately the same way.
BOWDEN
Not a problem. I’ll be in about as much real danger on this mission as an O’Douls truck in Dublin. This will be a walk in the park.
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC WHICH MORPHS A LITTLE BIT INTO ANOTHER PIECE OF MUSIC - THE ‘PRIMITIVE ENDURANCE’ THEME SONG. AS THAT FADES, WE GET AMAZON JUNGLE AMBIENCE
FIGGS
The Amazon Rain Forest. Where profound beauty and vicious danger live side by side. Where mother nature giveth and taketh away, often at the same time. And where any false step might be your last. I’m Figgs Rosenthal. And welcome to a new season of Primitive Endurance!
CHELSEA
And.... cut. Excellent. Sound, how was that?
HARLEY
(always aggressively British)
CLEAN AS THE TURN ON A BEEFEATERS’S MARCH LUV!
CHELSEA
Ouuuutstanding, and finally where is our guest... ummm... what are you doing?
SFX - BOWDEN CLIPPING HIS TOENAILS
BOWDEN
Excuse me, if I have to walk barefoot through a rain forest on camera, then pristine cuticles are hardly a choice.
FIGGS
Trust me, it’s for your own good.
HARLEY
He’s smack dab right on the money there mate, shoes and socks in this part of the world are a recipe for athlete’s foot that’ll lay you up with fungus worse than a Westminster tart!
BOWDEN
That’s... very descriptive... Harley, was it?
HARLEY
Harley Hickinbottom, best live sound recorder this side a’ Dorcestor, and don’t you blokes forget it!
CHELSEA
Mister Montcrief--
BOWDEN
Bowden, please. I only go by Mister Montcrief during formal affairs such as awards shows, Deadline interviews, and while complaining to Men’s Wearhouse managers.
CHELSEA
Bowden, then. I’ve directed every episode of this show since the pilot, and you’re the first new person we’ve ever had to work into the equation.
HARLEY
Been a three person show since afore The Young Ones went into syndication, I’ll tell you what!
CHELSEA
So while you’ll have to adjust to Harley’s pathologically anglo-centric cultural references, we’re all busy adjusting to your mere presence. So maybe work with us? Pretty please? With sugar on top?
BOWDEN
We’ll fix my cuticles in post, then, shall we?
CHELSEA
As far as you know. Harley, reset.
HARLEY
I’ll be ready faster than Mo Sallah can cross the pitch at Old Trafford, what what!
SFX - CHELSEA AND HARLEY’S FOOTSTEPS AND VOICES FADE AS THEY WALK AWAY.
FIGGS
You’re doing great, Bowden, but it’s five days to Sao Felix, so, you know, pace yourself. Try not to fall too far behind.
BOWDEN
Well, if I do, I’m sure a support vehicle will pick me up.
FIGGS
I’m sorry... a what?
BOWDEN
Look, Figgs. You seem a nice enough fellow member of SAG-AFTRA...
FIGGS
Member of their Green Council Initiative!
BOWDEN
That tracks, just... I’m not here to blow your cover. Savvy?
FIGGS
That was... the worst Jack Sparrow impersonation I’ve ever heard.
BOWDEN
This is a reality show, right? That means it’s divorced from reality on a ‘Steven Seagal’ level. Clearly you’re worried I’ll give away some secrets, so you’re hiding your support staff from me--
FIGGS
Ahhhh...
BOWDEN
I’m sure they’re trailing just out of sight, so just... don’t worry. I’ve no interest in pulling back the curtain.
(beat)
And there’s nothing wrong with my Jack Sparrow, thank you very much.
FIGGS
Bowden, I must say... thank you. I’ve been puzzling over just how to fit you into our show’s equation. But now? Now I know exactly what to do with you. CHELSEA, ARE WE SET?
CHELSEA
Hundred percent, Figgs! Sound?
HARLEY
SOUND’S ROLLING SMOOTH AS A BENTLEY ON DOWNING STREET, LUV!
CHELSEA
Action!
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC, NOW WE’RE IN THE AIR ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE CREW
SKIP
How’s Bo’s tracker signal, McGrath?
MCGRATH
Brighter than a pimple on prom night. As soon as we spot those vehicles, we can get him their encrypted coordinates and let him lure the group towards them.
SKIP
Are they far into the jungle?
MCGRATH
Nah, just started. They’d been still for a good two hours.
GLORIA
That was probably Figgs trying to nail his opening narration. I read that while filming in Patagonia, he asked for so many takes that the background penguins started mimicking him!
MCGRATH
That’s this guy? Oh man, I meme’d the hell out of that overacting penguin... Skip, isn’t this ride of ours a converted weather balloon?
SKIP
The finest any South American government has to offer!
MCGRATH
That’s... not the selling point you think it is, but my question is this: why is there a cooler of Diet Doctor Pepper, a case of Slim Jims, and a stack of Rolling Stone back issues by the control room door?
SFX - METAL DOOR OPENS, EVERYONE SCREAMS
STUDEBAKER
In case I need to refill my stash, Ally Sheedy!
GLORIA
Doctor Studebaker!
MCGRATH
DOCTOR HEART ATTACKER.
SKIP
Doctor, what are you doing here?!
STUDEBAKER
I was helping Wiles retrofit this here balloon. Climbed in for a little bit of late night respite, one evening... must’ve fallen asleep!
GLORIA
That would have been days ago!
STUDEBAKER
Well, that’s not surprising, given how I was respite-ing!
SKIP
McGrath, fire up emergency comms, we have to let Section Chief Anders know Studebaker is in the field.
MCGRATH
On it...
(SFX - A PING)
Holy... what’s that?
SKIP
What’s what?
MCGRATH
I picked up a network.
SKIP
In the middle of the Amazon?
MCGRATH
It’s encrypted to hell and back, but, yeah, someone’s gotta be boosting this signal like--
SFX - WHOOSHING APPROACHES
STUDEBAKER
MISSILES! FIVE O’CLOCK!
SKIP
WAIT, WHAT’S TWELVE O’CLOCK!
GLORIA
TOO LATE, HOLD ON!
SFX - AN EXPLOSION! TRANSITION MUSIC BACK TO THE JUNGLE, PEOPLE WALKING BRISKLY
BOWDEN
(soft, to himself)
OK, guys, we’re a few hours into this, so anytime you want to radio me coordinates to move towards...
FIGGS
We’re making our way through the Amazon basin, some of the most brutal terrain any human can traverse. Right about now is when hunger sets in. Right, Bowden?
BOWDEN
(mouth full)
Mmm?
(swallows)
Sorry, I was downing some Mike and Ike’s, what about hunger?
FIGGS
Actor-of-some-note Bowden Montcrief is the first guest star we’ve ever brought with us on a ‘Primitive Endurance’ excursion, so we can forgive him for not knowing some of our ground rules.
BOWDEN
Rules, what sort of -- HEY!
SFX - FIGGS GRABS BOWDEN’S FOOD
FIGGS
Rule one, no outside food!
SFX - FIGGS TOSSES BOWDEN’S FOOD INTO THE JUNGLE
BOWDEN
Hey! That was Mike or possibly Ike!
HARLEY
What else you got in your rucksack?
BOWDEN
Just my moisturizer and leave in conditioner, you’ve no idea what this humidity can do--
FIGGS
Rule two, no creature comforts.
SFX - FIGGS THROWS BO’S PACK INTO THE JUNGLE
BOWDEN
I actually have to be impressed at the distance you got on that throw.
FIGGS
Now, just because we’re in the Amazon, where death and disease lurk around every corner like an overzealous mall kiosk vendor, that doesn’t mean you can’t find yourself some tasty snacks. Take those hives, for example...
BOWDEN
You mean the ones about twenty feet up that tree?
FIGGS
Those are meliponine hives. They’re bees who produce some of the most delicious honey in the world. And even better, meliponines are completely stingless. So it’s not the worst thing in the world to stick your hand in and pull out some confection au natural. Bowden, want to give it a try?
BOWDEN
I’m sorry, give what a--
FIGGS
Climb up there and bring us all back some honey.
BOWDEN
Stingless bees, you said?
FIGGS
Yup. Besides...
(soft)
... none of this is real, right?
BOWDEN
Right... Right! Stingless bees. This isn't a reality show, it's Indiana Jones cosplay.
FIGGS
(seething)
It sure is. Here, I'll go with you! Give you some climbing tips!
SFX - BOWDEN AND FIGGS CLIMBING
BOWDEN
Tips on tree climbing? I grab the next branch and pull, right?
FIGGS
You’re a natural!
BOWDEN
Here’s the hive... OK you evolutionary cul-de-sacs, order up.
(SFX - BO REACHES INTO THE HIVE)
Ugh. It’s just a think sticky goo... and a... what’s that....
(SFX - BUZZING)
Oh hey meliponiness, don’t mind me, I’m just here to selfishly profit off your life’s work... hey, I wonder if that means I can enter the Agent’s Guild now... OW! Hey, what the... OW! OW!
FIGGS
What’s the matter, Bo?
BOWDEN
You said these bees were stingless!
FIGGS
They are! But man, do they bite!
SFX - BO GRUNTS AND CRIES OUT IN PAIN, THEN FALLS FROM THE TREE AND CRASHES IN A PILE OF LEAVES
BOWDEN
Dirty pool, Figgs, look at my arms!
FIGGS
Here, let me give it a try...
BOWDEN
Hey, hey! Be careful up there...
CHELSEA
It’s all right, he’s done this a hundred times.
HARLEY
He’s an old pro on the level a’ Thiago Silva, mate, don’t lose a blink’a shut eye over it...
BOWDEN
But those stingless bees are going to bite him within an inch of--
SFX - FIGGS PLUNGES HIS ARM INTO THE HIVE
FIGGS
Ahhhh. Feels good! Feels REAL!
BOWDEN
Holy Saint Gary Oldman, he’s just... going for it!
FIGGS
KEEP ROLLING, CHELS; I’m pulling honey from a meliponine hive. These little suckers are biting the bejesus out of my arm, but to quote T.E. Lawrence, the trick is not minding that it hurts!
HARLEY
He’s a bloke possessed!
CHELSEA
I’ve never seen him like this... Bowden, what did you say to him?
BOWDEN
I... may have insinuated that... you know... this was all... fake.
HARLEY
Nothing sets him off worse than implying this show isn’t on the level!
FIGGS
Meliponines don’t often need to protect their hives, they’ve few predators. Only wasps, ants, centipedes, and--
BOWDEN
SPIDERS!
FIGGS
That’s right, Bowden, spiders!
CHELSEA
NO, FIGGS, HE MEANS--
FIGGS
OH GOD SPIDERS!
HARLEY
They’re all over him like housewives on a Tesco sale!
FIGGS
GET EM OFF GET EM OFF GET EM AAAAH
SFX - FIGGS FALLS OUT OF THE TREE AND CRASHES TO THE GROUND
BOWDEN
Well. That sure was some... Primitive Endurance, eh, Figgs?
(beat)
Figgs? Ohhhhhh dear...
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC
CHELSEA
I dosed Figgs up with antivenin and sedatives. Then I wrapped him in his sleeping bag, secured him to this tree high enough that ground predators won’t see him, and sprayed him with all the snake and insect repellent we had.
HARLEY
Star job, Chels. He’ll be good for a few hours while we make it to the nearest settlement and--
BOWDEN
Whoah, whoah, whoah, guys, let’s not be rash about this--
CHELSEA
Rash?! Bowden, our star just suffered enough spider bites to spawn four completely distinct movie franchises! Protocol is clear, we have to call in help!
HARLEY
Can’t film a series down a star, mate, no matter what the BBC tries every couple Doctor Whos.
BOWDEN
We do have a star.
CHELSEA
Are you joking? In your own words, your idea of roughing it is a Residence Inn with slow WiFi.
BOWDEN
I was hired to do a job, and the show will go on. Besides, what do I have to do, ultimately? Hike through a jungle and every so often point and say ‘look, a bird!’
CHELSEA
Well... I hate to admit it, but yes, that pretty much is the job...
SFX - RIBBIT
BOWDEN
Oh look! See, we’re off to a flying start! Camera and sound?
BOWDEN
Welcome back to Primitive Endurance, I’m special guest explorer Bowden Montcrief, and I’ve just made a very interesting friend... this cute little frog! Come here, buddy, hop in my lap...
CHELSEA
Ummmmmmmm.... Bowden?
BOWDEN
Whoops, he hopped under my shirt! Careful buddy, consent and all...
HARLEY
You wearing an undershirt I hope?
BOWDEN
Errrrrr, I am, why?
CHELSEA
Because your new friend is Dendrobatidae Dendrobates...
HARLEY
AKA the Poison Dart Frog!
BOWDEN
AKA the who now?
CHELSEA
His granular glands contain a toxin so potent, it can kill in seconds.
HARLEY
On top of which, his skin secretes a highly hallucinogenic sweat; one touch against you’ll be tripping like Timothy Leary!
CHELSEA
Now, no sudden movements; a poison dart frog can smell fear!
BOWDEN
AT THE MOMENT, SO CAN I.
SFX - FROG CROAKS
BOWDEN
IS IT CROAKING?! WHY’S IT CROAKING?! AM I ABOUT TO CROAK?!
CHELSEA
That’s a good sign. That’s the croak a poison dart frog emits when he’s about to eat, which he only does when he senses no danger in the area!
BOWDEN
Ooh. Hey. Hey now. Yikes, it tickles when he... oh no... oh no, he ate my track--
CHELSEA
Your what?
BOWDEN
My track... team... medal. From high school. Which I wear on a pendant. Always do!
SFX - MISTER FROGGY RIBBITS AND TAKES OFF
BOWDEN
AFTER THAT FROG!
(SFX - RUNNING)
CHELSEA
Wow, I guess he did run track!
BOWDEN
(SFX - CROAK)
Oh it’s like that, froggy!? You get all up close and personal and then just scamper off? Who do you think you are, Billy Crudup!
HARLEY
Bo, be careful, that ground looks--
SFX - BO LEAPS, THE FROG CROAKS, THE GROUND GIVES WAY, BO GOES SLIDING - WE HEAR BO CRASH DOWN A HILL,, then SPLASH, HE LANDS IN A WATER HOLE OF SOME ILK
BOWDEN
Ugh... wow, where did I--
SFX - LOW GROWLS. LOTS OF LOW GROWLS.
BOWDEN
Ohhhhhh my.
SFX - FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
CHELSEA
Help me down Harley--
BOWDEN
Um, guys...
CHELSEA
Bo, are you--holy smokes.
BOWDEN
My sentiments exactly.
CHELSEA
These are Amazonian Pantheras.
BOWDEN
You’ve seen them before?
CHELSEA
No one’s seen these for thousands of years. Bowden Montcrief, you just discovered an animal long thought extinct!
BOWDEN
I did?
CHELSEA
Uh-huh.
BOWDEN
Not quite as impressive a the time I found a WeHo bar that validated parking but I admit it sounds cool.
SFX - MORE AND MORE GROWLS
CHELSEA
Oh... oh my...
HARLEY
These things are really not extinct!
BOWDEN
No... but if they’re as hungry as they look, we may soon be...
SFX - TRANSITION - ELSEWHERE IN THE JUNGLE, WE HEAR SOMETHING ON FIRE IN THE NEAR DISTANCE, GROANING AND SHUFFLING
SKIP
Oh... McGrath!? Gloria? Doctor Studebaker?
GLORIA
Skip!
GLORIA
And Doctor Studebaker!
STUDEBAKER
Bob Hope, Dinah Shore, Karen Valentine, thank the stars!
MCGRATH
Damn, the crash didn’t fix him.
STUDEBAKER
What in the name of Jacques Montgolfier happened up there?!
GLORIA
A heat seeking missile honed right in on our burner.
MCGRATH
And not five seconds after I connected to that mystery network.
SKIP
Who could be boosting a communications signal this deep into a barren wasteland?
MCGRATH
Well, either ocelots like Candy Crush or somebody out here needs to get a ton of data to someone out there. And in near real-time.
STUDEBAKER
It’s probably not the ocelots.
MCGRATH
You really earned that doctorate.
SKIP
Hold on... excellent! Our Bowden tracker also survived the fall.
MCGRATH
He’s headed east... no... north. East. South. North. Oh dear.
GLORIA
Is he... hopping?!
SKIP
If so, we should be able to catch up to him!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION, EVERYBODY STILL RUNNING TOWARDS A DISTANT ‘RIBBIT’
SKIP
I had no idea Bowden could move that quickly!
MCGRATH
Or change directions like a Tron light cycle.
GLORIA
He likes to brag about his movement classes, but this is insane!
MCGRATH
He’s slowing down... he’s stopping... OK, he’s here, he’s got to be.
STUDEBAKER
If he is, he’s gotten waaaay more transparent since I saw him last.
MCGRATH
Give it a minute to recalibrate... OK, he just moved.
SFX - AS THE TEAM DESCRIBES THE TRACKER MOVEMENTS THE SOUND OF THE RIBBIT MOVES
MCGRATH
He moved again. And again...
GLORIA
We should be seeing movement in those bushes, then...
MCGRATH
He’s moving left... now right... now left...
SKIP
Oh no....
SFX - SKIP GRABS THE FROG
SKIP
I think this frog is Bowden!
GLORIA
If you think I’m kissing it to check...
SKIP
No, what I mean is if Bowden lost his tracker...
STUDEBAKER
And this little fella ate it...
MCGRATH
Then follow that frog; being down a balloon means that tracker’s the only way we can call for an extraction!
GLORIA
Hold on, I’ve got him... whoah, whoah... he’s a slippery fella!
MCGRATH
It’s all right, I’ve got him... and NO I DON’T--
SKIP
I’ve got him--SO SLIPPERY!
GLORIA
After him!
MCGRATH
Which way did he... huh...
GLORIA
Huh?
SKIP
I think... wait...
STUDEBAKER
Got you, Pepe! OOOOH, SLIMY SLIMY SLIMY GET IT OFF ME!
SFX - RIBBIT
GLORIA
Whoah... my head...
STUDEBAKER
Huh. That frog is... familiar looking...
SKIP
Wow, Doc, the words coming out of your mouth are beautiful...
MCGRATH
Ever notice how your hand blurs when you move it slow like...
GLORIA
My head... wait... your head... your heads... McKenzie, you grew a second head!
MCGRATH
Cooooool beans... how’s it look?
GLORIA
Goooooooorgeous like the petals of the flowers that Skip’s hands just turned into...
STUDEBAKER
The frog... I think that’s the kind of frog who’s sweat is... is...
SKIP
Is what, Doc?
STUDEBAKER
.... DELICIOUS! COME HERE! OOF!
SFX - STUDEBAKER DIVES AT THE FROG BUT MISSES. IT HOPS OFF.
GLORIA
Away he’s a hopping...
MCGRATH
KERMIT WAIT! IT’S ME, YOUR SWEET PIGGY!
SFX - MCGRATH TAKES OFF
SKIP
I feel like we need that frog for something...
GLORIA
Yeah... we have to sing Rainbow Connection!
ALL
YAY! AFTER THAT FROG!
SFX - TRANSITION BACK TO THE JUNGLE WITH THE GROWLING PANTHERAS
BOWDEN
Niiiiice pantheras.... who are good extinct puppies? Who are good extinct puppies? You are! You are!
HARLEY
That actually seems to calm them...
CHELSEA
You have a lot of experience talking down violent predators?
BOWDEN
Well, I have worked for Miramax...
SFX - THE PANTHERAS SCURRY OFF
BOWDEN
Huh. And stay gone!
CHELSEA
That wasn’t you...
SFX - ENGINES GETTING CLOSER
HARLEY
Lorries? This is the middle of the worst place on Earth!
BOWDEN
They sound like they’re just over this ridge, here, climb up with me...
SFX - BRANCHES PUSHED ASIDE - THEY GASP
CHELSEA
Those aren’t just trucks, that’s heavy duty mining equipment!
HARLEY
Being watched by men with heavier duty machine guns!
BOWDEN
And there are way more than two of them...
HARLEY
Hang about... you expected to run across a mining operation?
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
(distant)
Did you hear that?
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
(distant)
What?
CHELSEA
(soft)
They heard us!
BOWDEN
(soft)
DOWN!
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
Voices this way...
SFX - DISTANT FOOTSTEPS, GUNS COCKING
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
Hold on. We should fire up the comms network, contact HQ for guidance.
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
Nonsense. I’ve got autonomy in the field, we check this out. We already shot down that weather balloon after it found our encrypted comms network, we need to know what’s going on.
BOWDEN
(soft)
Shot down! Oh no...
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
If anyone outside the company finds that Rhodium deposit...
SFX - THE EVIL GUYS ARGUE SOFTLY
HARLEY
(softly)
Rhodium...
BOWDEN
(softly)
You’ve heard of it?
HARLEY
(softly)
Aye mate, when we filmed in South Africa. The rarest element on Earth!
CHELSEA
(softly)
Only 30 tons are mined worldwide in any given year, a deposit could be worth billions...
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
It’s my call. We’re checking it.
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
Fine. Do it your way. Why should here be any different than at home...
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
Do we have to do this now, Bryce...
SFX - THEY’RE GETTING CLOSER....
BOWDEN
(soft)
Everyone stay absolutely silent...
SFX - THEY ALL LAY DOWN AS SUDDENLY THE SOUNDS OF A HOWLER MONKEY FILL THE AIR
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
Good god, that’s an awful din!
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
See? A howler monkey, that’s all you heard. Quick. Let’s get back to the equipment, we’ve got two more sites to strip mine before sunset.
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
First radio base, then coordinate with teams B and C. We’re all going to need more explosives.
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
Fine, fine, fine. Your needs first.
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
OUR NEEDS, BRYCE.
SFX - THE FOOTSTEPS GO AWAY
CHELSEA
(soft)
Bo, that was amazing!
HARLEY
(soft)
Where did you learn to imitate a howler monkey!
BOWDEN
I could cook up a story that I learned it for a failed Tarzan reboot, but... guys, we’re knee deep in real trouble here, and the people who’d normally help me handle this, well... I’m not... I can’t think about it right now. I could really use your help. But before you say yes or know, it’s only fair you know what’s really going on.
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC - TRIPPING AGENTS WANDERING THROUGH A JUNGLE, SOMEONE DIGGING
MCGRATH
Guys... guys... mister froggy is down here, I know it, help me dig--
GLORIA
Your words are the brightest orange when they slide out of your mouths! Dig here?
MCGRATH
Yeah, I saw him hop to China, but if we hurry, we can beat him!
GLORIA
Dig dig dig, dig dig dig...
STUDEBAKER
Hey Chachi! Chachi!
SKIP
Doctor what a lovely coat of peacock feathers you’ve grown...
STUDEBAKER
I think we’re all tripping the light fantastic on hallucinogenic frog sweat...
SKIP
Well, you’re the expert! And so are you, and you, and oh, you’re the expert too, Mister Cocoa Tree!
STUDEBAKER
Man I want to catch that frog, this is the good stuff...
SKIP
Why yes, Mister Cocoa Tree, I do use Invisalign! For not having any eyes, you’re very observant. OH! There are your eyes!
GLORIA
I made it! I’ve dug all they way through to China!
MCGRATH
No Gloria, that’s Mars! Dig down!
STUDEBAKER
... but I really feel like we were supposed to be doing something...
SFX - RIBBITS THAT TURN INTO BO’S VOICE, REVERBING
FROGGY BO
Why right you are. You should be looking for me.
ALL
Bowden!
SKIP
When did you turn into a half man half frog in a sequin tuxedo!
MCGRATH
IS THIS CHINA!
FROGGY BO
Don’t fret the details, there are more things in Heaven and Earth, than are dreamt of in your philosophy!
GLORIA
Yikes, maybe I do have to kiss you!
FROGGY BO
No need to kiss, no need to flee, no need to converse with Mister Cocoa the tree, just hop on your Vespas and follow me! Ciao!
SFX - A VESPA SCOOTER TAKES OFF, THE SOUNDS A MAGICAL FAIRY DUST SHIMMERING ALONG WITH IT
SKIP
Wait, I don’t know how to drive a Vespa!
MCGRATH
And I simply refuse to learn!
GLORIA
Froggy Bowden, where are you going!
STUDEBAKER
Maybe he’ll take us to real Bowden!
SKIP
And... I think... that’s what we were doing... before?
MCGRATH
He’s headed for the dam!
SKIP
Language!
GLORIA
After Froggy Bo!
SFX - TRANSITION BACK TO BO, CHELSEA, HARLEY
CHELSEA
So... this is a secret government mission?
BOWDEN
And it was never supposed to put you in harm’s way. If you want out... I understand.
HARLEY
What’s this one on about, oy?!
CHELSEA
Are you kidding, this is the most excitement we’ve had in years!.
HARLEY
If I never have to listen to Figgs explain how to survive on your own urine again, it’ll be too soon.
CHELSEA
Besides. We consider ourselves documentarians first, creators of so called ‘reality TV’ second.
BOWDEN
I... never looked at it that way...
HARLEY
And if these wankers are strip mining Rhodium--
CHELSEA
--near indigenous grave sites and the last remaining habitat of a long-thought extinct species--
HARLEY
That’s news, no matter what brand of the King’s English you speak!
SFX - ENGINES AND MEN APPROACH
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
(distant)
All right, this is the zone! Start planting!
CHELSEA
They’re back! And planting high powered explosives!
HARLEY
And sure enough, right along where we found those Pantheras!
CHELSEA
God, it’s an ecological nightmare.
BOWDEN
Unless...
SFX - TRANSITION TO THE MINING OPERATION
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
Hey hey hey, be careful where you’re laying that ammonium nitrate! We’re awful close to that dam, we don’t want to breach it!
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
OK, well then where do you want the explosives?
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
I don’t know... over there by that old graveyard should be fine, just not near the damn or my truck.
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
(to himself)
Hhmph. When we bought it, it was our truck...
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
Let’s not do this here, Bryce!
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
(cocking his gun)
HEY YOU, GET DOWN!
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
OK, FINE, I’M SORRY, LET’S TALK ABOUT THE TRUCK THING--
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
Not you, Kyle, him!
BOWDEN
Hey there friend, no need to bring high caliber ammunition into this equation--
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
Hold on... this guy looks familiar...
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
We run into your exes everywhere, why should the jungle be different.
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
DAMMIT BRYCE NOT NOW!
BOWDEN
I’m scouting this region for future episodes of the reality TV show ‘Primitive Endurance’, and I need a sense of what this part of the area looks like empty. Especially the dam. Could you give me, maybe, a few hundred yards of clearance?
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
(soft)
We’re already behind schedule, teams B and C want a check-in at ten.
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
(soft)
Yeah, but we’re also can’t afford anyone recording us in this valley.
(to Bowden)
Give us five minutes!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION, HEAVY MACHINERY FIRING UP AND MOVING
HARLEY
(soft)
It’s working, they’re starting to move out!
SFX - RIBBIT
CHELSEA
Holy smokes, is that the same frog from before?
HARLEY
See, that’s not my first question.
CHELSEA
Oh, what would that be?
HARLEY
Who in the name of Saint Elton John are they?!
SFX - AD-LIBBED CHAOS AS THE EMF PLOWS THROUGH FULL SPRINT
STUDEBAKER
MAKE ROOM FOLKS MAKE ROOM!
GLORIA
FROGGY BO WE’RE COMING!
CHELSEA
They’re running right into the mining zone. Follow them!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
Erm, excuse me, Mister Montcrief?
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
Yeah, you about done? We’re on a schedule here...
BOWDEN
Schedule? Schedule? Sir, you stand in the presence of millennia worth of natural wonder. They very lungs of our planet work tirelessly around you day and night, as creatures as small as the fairyfly and as large as the Amazonian manatee dance a complex tango a balance as old as life itself!
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
I was just asking...
SFX - RIBBIT, FOLLOWED BY LOTS OF PEOPLE RUNNING
SKIP
FROGGY BO HOPPED THIS WAY!
GLORIA
HE’S MAKING FOR THE DAM!
CHELSEA
SLOW DOWN, MY STEADICAM CAN’T STEADY!
MCGRATH
WE’RE ALMOST TO CHINA NOW, BABY!
STUDEBAKER
ALLONS-Y!
SFX - AND THEY’RE ALL GONE
BOWDEN
Actually I’m done, rain forest is yours, Kthxbai!
SFX - BOWDEN’S OFF
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
CALL IN THE SECURITY DETAIL, SOMETHING’S WRONG!
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE (ON COMMS)
Something’s been wrong since Cabo, only you won’t talk about it--
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
NOT NOW, BRYCE!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION, WE HEAR HELICOPTERS AND HEAVY MACHINERY MOVING IN
BOWDEN
GUYS! I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE ALL OK, BUT WHAT IN THE HECTOR ELIZONDO IS GOING ON HERE!
GLORIA
You turned into a tuxedoed frog and
we’re chasing you to Mars!
MCGRATH
CHINA, GLORIA, KEEP UP!
BOWDEN
Wait wait wait... did you guys touch the tiny frog that ate my tracker?!
STUDEBAKER
BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O, ANDY GRIFFITH, WE’RE ALL TRIPPING BALLS!
BOWDEN
Chelsea, the anti-hallucinogens from your med kit, quick! MCGRATH! SNACK!
MCGRATH
Oooh hell yes!
GLORIA
Gloria, energy drink!
GLORIA
Ooh I’ll need that if we’re going to make it to Mars slash China!
BOWDEN
And Skip, you just drink this!
SKIP
Must stay hydrated!
BOWDEN
Here, Doctor--
STUDEBAKER
Don’t have to tell me twice, Rutger Hauer, this has been a bad trip from the word blotto!
BOWDEN
How fast does this stuff work, Chelsea?
GLORIA
Well, we’re being chased my military vehicles that’s not usually a positive!
CHELSEA
Fast!
BOWDEN
OK, team! You’ve all been hallucinating on amphibian sweat!
MCGRATH
So... this isn’t China...
BOWDEN
Correct, and there’s no time to being you all the way up to speed, but we’ve got to get my tracker out of that frog so we can call in an extraction!
HARLEY
There's the little bugger! He stopped on that pile of plastic the miners left behind!
STUDEBAKER
THAT AIN’T PLASTIC, THAT’S--
SFX - KA-BLAM!
STUDEBAKER
Yeah, it’s that.
MCGRATH
Poor Kermit just connected with that rainbow.
GLORIA
Now there’s no way to contact the extraction team!
BOWDEN
Actually... Dam!
GLORIA
What is it, what’s wrong?
BOWDEN
Dam dam! Dam dam dam!
SKIP
Oh now, have you been struck by collateral hallucinogenic frog sweat?!
MCGRATH
Of all the sentences that should never make sense...
BOWDEN
Everyone! There’s way more explosive still around us: so very carefully, and I mean VERY VERY VERY carefully, grab some and follow me!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION, WE’RE INSIDE A TRUCK CAB
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
What are those guys....
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
They’re dragging our explosives closer to the dam!
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
They’re bluffing. They’d never...
(SFX - COMMS)
Everyone move in, attack pattern alpha!
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
Beta would be safer given the terrain...
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
ALPHA! REPEAT! ALPHA!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION
BOWDEN
Here! Leave them here!
SKIP
At the base of the dam?!
BOWDEN
There’s only one other way to summon the extraction team.
MCGRATH
A cataclysm of notable proportion.
CHELSEA
Define... notable?
HARLEY
I’d actually rather they didn’t.
STUDEBAKER
If we’re gonna go all ‘Force 10 from Navarone’ on this dam I’d rather not be here when we do it!
HARLEY
Here here!
MCGRATH
Hey, director lady! Does that camera have a timer feature?
CHELSEA
It sure does.
MCGRATH
Doc, wanna help me do some emergency surgery on a camera?
STUDEBAKER
Was Frank Sinatra secretly married to a peanut farmer from Tuscaloosa?
MCGRATH
............. yes?
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION - THE BAD GUYS TRUCKS STOP
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
Alpha 1, go... alpha 2, cover me!
SFX - FOOTSTEPS AS THEY RUN FROM THEIR TRACKS TO....
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
Where are they?
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
I don’t know, all they left is this camera... which....
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
It’s counting down, isn’t it?
(beat)
ISN’T --
SFX - BEEP. KABOOM. WATER RUSHING. BAD GUYS CRY OUT AS THEY’RE WASHED AWAY - TRANSITION MUSIC - IDYLLIC JUNGLE SOUNDS
CHELSEA
It’s beautiful...
HARLEY
Prettiest sight this side of Elizabeth Hurley’s smile, I say!
GLORIA
To think, the government dammed this waterway just because they didn’t want to deal with this region...
SKIP
... never realizing it was home to long thought extinct Pantheras.
BOWDEN
They’re coming out of the woodwork to partake of the returning waters!
MCGRATH
They’re not the only ones who’ll want a taste of this place.
CHELSEA
True enough. Once the world finds out there’s Rhodium here...
SFX - HELICOPTERS SWOOP IN AND LAND. A DOOR OPENS, SOLDIERS FAN OUT
JAMBO
Lieutenant Colonel Ron Jambo reporting for extraction duty!
SKIP
Well timed Colonel!
JAMBO
Four agents, two civilians... where’s the third?
CHELSEA
Strapped in a hammock and dosed up with and sedatives about two clicks to the north.
JAMBO
Actually sounds like he’s having a pretty good time. Hey agents! Home office is anxious for a check-in
ZELDA (ON COMMS)
Skip? Did you find out what these illegal strip miners were after?
SKIP
They weren’t strip miners, Section Chief.
CHET (ON COMMS)
They weren’t?
BOWDEN
SecDef Phillips, as I live and breathe.
SKIP
Listening in on a simple debrief, Secretary?
ZELDA (ON TV)
He is, at his insistence and over my.... strenuous objections.
CHET (ON COMMS)
All the gear we picked up on satellite imagery suggested strip miners. We’re obviously interested, from a... purely scientific perspective.
MCGRATH
Purely, I’m sure.
CHET (ON TV)
What were they mining--
SKIP
Nothing, sir. These were poachers.
CHET (ON COMMS)
Poachers? With that gear? That--
CHE,LSEA
I can confirm sir. I’ve been all over the world, seen all sorts of illegal hunting operations, sometimes from the business end.
HARLEY
These guys were poachers all the way.
SKIP
They were hunting the Giant Amazonian Panthera, long thought extinct.
GLORIA
And now that these poachers destroyed the Axilios Dam in an effort to kill us--
MCGRATH
Sweeping themselves away in the process--
STUDEBAKER
The animals are coming back to roost. Nature is healing, Secretary Guy Lombardo. Nature is healing.
ZELDA (ON COMMS)
And this is your official report? Confirmed by civilian witnesses?
EVERYONE
It is.
ZELDA (ON COMMS)
Then come on home, agents.
JAMBO
All right, everybody onboard!
BOWDEN
Give us a minute, Colonel?
JAMBO
Sixty tics, mark! Don’t dawdle. Hop on Emil.
(SFX - SKINK CHITTERING)
Good call, Emil. Balance the load.
BOWDEN
So... we’re all OK with lying through our teeth to both our Section Chief and the newest member of the presidential cabinet?
MCGRATH
I mean, it never gets old for me.
SKIP
In order to keep this balance of nature in place... it’s necessary.
CHELSEA
I suppose this means we’re going to have to wipe our tapes so none of this ever gets out.
GLORIA
Afraid so, Chelsea.
HARLEY
Ahhh it s’allright, Shed no tears, love. We may be filmmakers and documentarians...
CHELSEA
... but we do this job mainly for the love of nature. If protecting it means wiping a few flash drives, so be it.
SKIP
I suppose you were right all along Bowden... there’s ultimately not a whole lot of reality here in this sort of TV.
BOWDEN
And sometimes a little fiction can save the world. Or at least the Amazonian Panthera.
GLORIA
Hold on, where’s Studebaker?
MCGRATH
For the love of... there he is, HEY DOC! Get over here if you don't want to get left in the jungle!
STUDEBAKER
Coming, Tuesday Weld, I’m right here. But I’d be remiss in my duties as a psychopharmacologist if I didn't find another one of these bad boys to bring home and study!
SFX - RIBBIT
STUDEBAKER
Okay, little buddy, you jump right down Doctor Biff’s shirt...
(SFX - MUFFLED RIBBIT)
Ohhhhh yeah, THIS IS GONNA BE SOME FLIGHT!
SFX - END CREDIT MUSIC. AFTER THE CREDITS, THE SOUND OF A ROARING RIVER
EVIL GUY 2 - BRYCE
IIII SAAAAAID ATTACK PLAN BEEEEETA....
EVIL GUY 1 - KYLE
NOOOOOT NOOOOOW BRYYYYYYCE.....
SFX - STINGER END MUSIC