Season Five, Episode One: “The World Is Way Too Much” (Part 1)
Transcript
INT. EVIL LAIR - NO DEFINITE TIME
SFX: The shuffling of cards.
CHET
Care to cut, Ms. Brandt?
HANNAH BRANDT
No, my dear Mister Phillips. Let us say...I trust you.
CHET
Is that why you’ve invited your armed henchmen to join our game?
SFX: The GERMAN HENCHMEN GRUNT menacingly.
HANNAH BRANDT
They enjoy high stakes. Your play.
SFX: The cards are laid on the table in rapid succession.
CHET
Six.
HANNAH BRANDT
Nine.
ITCHY
Nine again.
SCRATCHY
Four.
POOCHIE
Five.
CHET
Reverse. And Uno.
SFX: Groans all around the table.
POOCHIE
Draw four wild.
SCRATCHY
Arschloch!
POOCHIE
Make it yellow.
ITCHY
Yellow four.
HANNAH BRANDT
Wild card.
CHET
I’ve only got one card left, Hannah.
HANNAH BRANDT
Yes...what are you hiding, dear boy?
CHET
Name a color and find out.
HANNAH BRANDT
...green.
CHET
Sorry, Ms. Brandt. I’m out.
SFX: He plays the last card. Hannah laughs, while the henchmen grumble.
HANNAH BRANDT
Marvelous. Shall we raise the pot by another ten thousand?
CHET
By all means.
HANNAH BRANDT
I am curious, Mister Phillips, about the size of your wagers this evening. I was led to believe you were...unemployed.
CHET
I call it being a man of leisure.
HANNAH BRANDT
I understand the intelligence agency you were working for, the Extraordinary Missions Force -
CHET
I don’t know who you’re talking about.
HANNAH BRANDT
- was disbanded nearly six months ago. I wonder, who is filling your billfold now?
CHET
Is my money not good enough for you, my dear money launderer? I retired. I don’t work for anyone.
SFX: His phone RINGS. An awkward beat.
CHET
Uhhh
HANNAH BRANDT
Who is calling you, Chet?
CHET
I -
HANNAH BRANDT
On a mobile phone technologically advanced enough to pierce our jamming devices?
ITCHY
Let us put zem on speaker.
CHET
Oh hey, let’s not -
SFX: BEEP.
SKIP (ON PHONE)
Good morning, Agent Phillips! It’s Section Chief Granger!
CHET
(sighs) Hey Skip.
SKIP (ON PHONE)
I hope I haven’t caught you at a bad time -
CHET
Skip, how were you able to contact this completely untraceable phone?
SKIP (ON PHONE)
We’re TerryCorps, Chet! We can be on any phone, anywhere!
HANNAH BRANDT
You are working for Terry Millionaire? The philanthropist billionaire?
CHET
I was kind of in the middle of something Skip -
SFX: The henchman begin to cock their guns.
SKIP
I understand, I just really needed to discuss your expense reports.
HANNAH BRANDT
Kill him!
SFX: Chet begins to fight the goons while continuing his conversation with Skip.
SKIP (ON PHONE)
I see you were infiltrating that unsanctioned Samsung employee training retreat in Tuscon, but now you’ve booked a hotel in Duseldorf?
CHET (still fighting)
Yeah well I was following up a lead and it got - complicated.
SKIP (ON PHONE)
Well, as you know, new leads require submission of form 6-H-X, and I do see that your expenditures at something called Der Kuchie Kuchen were over thirty Euro -
CHET
Hey, that was a private transaction!
HANNAH BRANDT
Stirb, Schlange!
SFX: Brandt attempts to garrote Chet.
SKIP (ON PHONE)
Privacy schmivacy! We’re always watching, Chet!
CHET (struggling to breathe)
I’ll file the PAPERWORK when I get BACK to the OFFICE!
SFX: He elbows Brandt, hurls her to the ground, and breathes heavily.
SKIP
That’s great! Thanks for being such a team player! Talk soon!
SFX: Beep. Chet sighs.
CHET
Hannah, what would you say to an offer to play a round of Phase Ten for your list of buyers?
HANNAH BRANDT
...rejected.
CHET
Ugggh.
THEME MUSIC!
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents - the backups. Tonight’s episode: The World Is Way Too Much - Part One.
INT. DARK EMF BRIEFING ROOM - DAY
SKIP
Agent Phillips, you were supposed to be spying on a corporate event in Tuscon! You were not authorized to track down Hannah Brandt, no matter how laundered her money was!
CHET
Things just escalated quickly! Come on, Skip, did we really join this new agency to investigate electronics companies?
SKIP
And I would prefer you call me “Section Chief” while we’re on duty, Agent Phillips.
(sighs, wistfully)
McGrath used to overstep professional bounds during our first year together, too.
CHET
Chief, can my next assignment be a little more...sexy? This corporate stuff isn’t my speed.
SKIP
Well, I can certainly brief you on your next mission -
CHET
Great.
SKIP
Right after our morning handshake meeting!
CHET
Our what now?
SKIP
Lemme get my TerryPhone...video call Terry Millionaire, please!
(BWIP!)
Good morning, Mister Millionaire!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON CALL)
Morning, everyone.
WHITMIRE (ON CALL)
Hey there Skip. Chet.
CHET
Secretary Whitmire! So...good to see you.
WHITMIRE (ON CALL)
I understand you boys have been having some, eh, miscommunications about paperwork.
SKIP
Oh!
CHET
Uh.
SKIP
How did you hear that?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON CALL)
Boys. You know we hear everything within range of a TerryChip. Like the ones in your phones.
SKIP
Right...privacy schmivacy...
CHET
I mean, I can’t imagine there’s enough hours in the day to listen to everything. Like expense report...reports.
SKIP
I spent a good bit of yesterday whistling showtunes. I hope I wasn’t too pitchy!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON CALL)
To be clear, our artificial intelligence systems listen to everything and deliver any... deviations...to my ears.
WHITMIRE (ON CALL)
So, eh, why the fight, fellas?
SKIP
Sorry, sirs, I was hoping to take care of this matter without escalating it to you.
CHET
Mister Secretary, I don’t want to go over the Chief’s head here, but back at the old job, I was always “act first, file paperwork later”.
SKIP
<horrified gasp>
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON CALL)
To fair, Section Chief Granger, you have been reorganizing the TerryCorp filing system since you joined us six months ago.
WHITMIRE (ON CALL)
And since you’ve got your entire science division working on automated filing cabinets, we haven’t made any headway on our Genesis device!
SKIP
Sir, it is absolutely critical to integrate the old EMF’s system with ours!
WHITMIRE (ON CALL)
It sounds like you just want things back the way they were at your old organization.
SKIP
Sir, I assure you, I am not trying to re-create the old EMF. Just ask Doctor Stroodebaker here!
SFX: A door opens and in comes Dr. Stroodebaker
STROODEBAKER
Hey what day is it?
SFX: They open the door to the lab. Lab technicians and machines chug away in the background.
SKIP
His team is using my specifications to connect every TerryChip in the world to this robust, automated, virtual filing system!
STROODEBAKER
These chips will send data right to the Genesis AI, which files everything with maximum efficiency. Plus we’ll go paperless by 2026.
SKIP
Sir, right now your chips only have the bandwidth to handle what’s going on inside your company.
CHET
But if you get this thing online... we’ll be able to listen in anywhere there’s a TerryChip. Phones, computers, TVs - I mean, those chips are in plastic water bottle caps.
SKIP
That’s right! We can surveil anyone, anywhere! And with Genesis, we can control any video or audio device we like...providing it’s legally sanctioned, correct, Mister Secretary?
WHITMIRE (ON CALL)
Eh, what? Uh. Sure.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON CALL)
Very well, Section Chief. It seems you were the perfect man for this job, after all.
SKIP
Thank you sir! And thank you, Doctor!
STROODEBAKER
Do I live here now?
SFX: Skip closes the door to the lab.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON CALL)
How much longer can we expect this filing system to take to complete?
WHITMIRE (ON CALL)
The, eh, President’s patience is not unlimited.
SKIP
But the capacity of this system will be, Mister Secretary!
WHITMIRE (ON CALL)
Was that an answer?
SKIP
The answer is...soon. I promise.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON CALL)
Very well, Section Chief. Carry on.
WHITMIRE (ON CALL)
I want results, Skip.
SKIP
Yes sir!
WHITMIRE (ON CALL)
These guys, out.
SFX: The screen blinks off. Skip and Chet start down the hall again.
CHET
Skip -
SKIP
“Section Chief Granger”.
CHET
Section Chief. We’re really gonna use Genesis? Untraceable, undetectable deep fake technology? Replacing targets with human clones?
SKIP (a little muted)
Secretary Whitmire has assured me that it will be used sparingly, and ethically.
CHET
And you trust him?
SKIP
Of course! If I can’t trust the United States government partnering with a cutting-edge technology company, who can I trust? Ha!
CHET
Uh huh.
SKIP
But this next mission must go one-hundred-percent by the book. Are you ready, Agent Phillips?
CHET
I was born ready. Where am I going?
SKIP
Here’s the briefing packet.
SFX: Chet tears it open.
CHET
All right, let’s see...yaaaay. North Dakota.
SKIP
Overly, North Dakota!
CHET
Where I’ll be...investigating an alpaca farm.
SKIP
A suspicious alpaca farm.
CHET
Currently owned and operated by Athena O’MY GOD.
SKIP
I thought that would get your attention!
CHET
You found Athena O’Brien? And she’s running a boutique alpaca farm called Spittin’ Image?
SKIP
She’s kept a very low profile, but she couldn’t hide forever from TerryChips!
CHET
How?
SKIP
Last week she mistakenly bought a bottle of Dasani spring water -
CHET
No, how is Athena herding llamas?
SKIP
Either she’s using her contacts within the fashion industry to run a legitimate business -
CHET
- or...
SKIP
...or she’s using it as a front to start a new criminal enterprise.
CHET
I wonder which.
SKIP
You’re going to find out which!
CHET
And it’s no coincidence that we’re targeting a woman who once betrayed our employer?
SKIP
Chet. I’ll have you know...I chose this target, not Terry.
CHET
But he probably told you exactly how to crush her if she’s guilty?
SKIP
Well...
CHET
And if she’s innocent, then you can ease your mind knowing your rehabilitation worked. Right, Section Chief?
SKIP
I choose my targets based on my own assessments, Agent Phillips.
CHET
That’s not an answer. But mission accepted.
SKIP
Fantastic! Here’s your team!
CHET
My what now?
SKIP
C’mon in, gang!
SFX: Skip opens a door, and in walks...
ARCHIE
Well look what the cat dragged in.
CHET
No way. Archie Grant?
ARCHIE
In the flesh.
CHET
I thought you were out of the confidence game and making a bundle selling niche fashion accessories. Why would you want to come work for Terry and Skip?
ARCHIE
Maybe just to piss you off after you nearly had me chucked in a volcano and then didn’t write for three years.
CHET
Uh...yeah...sorry? Chief, I hope this team isn’t entirely composed of people who want to kill me.
ELLIE MAE
I promise not to kill you.
CHET
Oh great. Ellie Mae Sedestrom. Literally a criminal mastermind.
SKIP
Technically, Chet, Ms. Sederstorm has never been formally charged with a crime.
ELLIE MAE
That’s right, Skippy-poo!
SKIP
That’s “Section Chief-Poo”, thank you Ms. Sederstrom.
CHET
Skip, what on earth does Sederstrom bring to the table?
SKIP
Athena has gone completely off-grid with her business, Agent Phillips. We believe she’s done this to avoid our surveillance capabilities -
ARCHIE
She wants to disappear again, eh? Off the radar, like.
SKIP
Exactly, Mister Grant. So if we’re to find any evidence of wrongdoing -
ELLIE MAE
It’ll be somewhere in her paperwork.
CHET
Wait...so this mission...is to rummage through Athena’s filing cabinets?
SKIP
Exactly!
CHET
Ugggggh
SKIP
While you and Ms. Sederstrom sneak in and search Athena’s files, Mister Grant will distract Athena with a business proposition.
ARCHIE
My company will be interested in a partnership, see, mate? Maybe I can convince her to tell me who she’s in bed with...this time.
CHET
Okay. Is there anyone else on this team? Maybe the disappointed ghost of my father?
MARIO
No, itsa me! Mario!
CHET
Uhhhhhh who the hell is this?
SKIP
Your getaway driver!
CHET
I think I can handle driving a car.
MARIO
Oh, my friend, you will be busy with coordinating the rest of the mission! Besides, I can outrun anything on wheels! If we get into trouble, I will get us out of there before you can say pasta fagioli!
SKIP
This mission is vital, Agent Phillips. If we can bring Athena O’Brien to task, TerryCorps’ New EMF will have the full confidence of the American government! We will have the world...in my filing system!
CHET
...well when you put it that way... lemme see what I can do.
MUSIC: GLORIA KOVAK, P.I. THEME
GLORIA
Long brimmed hat, whiskey at ten in the morning, feet up on the desk...ah! The life of a private detective.
BOWDEN
Don’t forget your sexy personal secretary!
GLORIA
How could I? There’s nothing quite like being a dick.
BOWDEN
Just like Josh Olsen said! But boss - don’t you have a client coming at ten o’clock?
GLORIA
Jeez Louise, you’re right, Bo! They were very mysterious about it, too...no name, no information. Just booked an office visit.
SFX: Knock knock.
BOWDEN
That must be them!
GLORIA
Look busy!
(clears her throat, gets into character)
Come on in, it’s open!
SFX: The door opens.
GLORIA
Gloria Kovak, Private I DON’T BELIEVE IT!
MACKENZIE
Sup, folks.
BOWDEN
MCGRATH! It’s so good to see you!
MACKENZIE
Right back atcha, Bowden.
BOWDEN
Get in here!
GLORIA
We haven’t heard a peep from you since we were all disavowed! What are you doing here?
MACKENZIE
Um. You sent me a letter?
GLORIA
What? We didn’t send you anything.
BOWDEN
Hmm. It’s our return address...but this isn’t our official Canva letterhead.
MACKENZIE
I was hiking the Appalachian Trail and this letter was in one the PO boxes I set up in Hot Springs.
GLORIA
Ha! You were hiking?
MACKENZIE
I was getting away from computers for a little while.
BOWDEN
Really?
MACKENZIE
Since I have no way of knowing when TerryChips are listening...yeah. I went off the grid.
SFX: Knock knock.
GLORIA
Gloria Kovak Detective Agency! Come on in!
(the door opens)
WHAT?
ZELDA
I received your letter, Kovak. This had better be good.
GLORIA
What?!? Zelda!
MACKENZIE
Hey Z.
ZELDA
McGrath? Oh, I get it. Gloria’s getting the band back together.
MACKENZIE
No, by her reaction I’m thinking we’ve all been set up.
BOWDEN
By who?
SFX: Knock knock knock.
MACKENZIE
Sure, I’ll bite.
(to door)
Kovak Detective Agency, whadya want?
SFX: The door opens.
MISSION VOICE
Good morning, everyone. Good to see you showed up. Miss Kovak, I believe I have an appointment.
GLORIA
YOU?!? You’re my ten o’clock?
ZELDA
Did you forge these letters to get us all here together?
MISSION VOICE
Technically, I was hired to do so.
MACKENZIE
Having trouble paying the bills since the EMF went down?
MISSION VOICE
No. Not really. I’ve been doing NPR.
(tosses a packet onto Gloria’s desk)
My employer sent me this sealed packet. They asked me to deliver it in person to all of you, so you could “do that thing you do”.
GLORIA
Solve a mystery?
ZELDA
Cause disasters?
BOWDEN
Hobnob with sketchy figures?
MISSION VOICE
Probably a bit of all three. You’ll find payment and petty cash in this envelope.
(she tosses another envelope onto the desk)
GLORIA
Wait a minute. This envelope is sealed and marked with a TS/SCI clearance.
ZELDA
We’ve all been disavowed. We no longer have top secret clearance.
GLORIA
Opening this envelope would be a federal offense punishable by MACKENZIE!
SFX: McGrath is already opening the envelope and humming.
MACKENZIE
Doo doo doo...OH CRAP it’s Athena!
BOWDEN
What?
MACKENZIE
This is a mission packet for Chet Phillips from Section Chief Skip Granger.
ZELDA
It’s a TerryCorps mission packet?
MACKENZIE
It says they’re gonna raid Athena’s alpaca farm in North Dakota and man has she hit rock bottom.
MISSION VOICE
It all fell apart when you dumped her.
MACKENZIE
Easy, lady.
MISSION VOICE
Well, my job is done -
GLORIA
Wait! Who are you working for this time?
MISSION VOICE
Not your problem. Your case, if you choose to accept it, is simple: protect private citizen O’Brien and Spittin’ Image Alpaca Farms from corporate espionage. I’ve taken my cut from the envelope. Good day.
GLORIA
But -
SFX: She’s gone.
BOWDEN
Sooooo what do we do?
MACKENZIE
I think it depends on who sent this to us.
ZELDA
I think there’s only one obvious answer.
MACKENZIE
What’s that?
ZELDA
These are Chet’s mission documents. He’s the only person who should have them in his possession. His last words to me were that he was going to try to infiltrate TerryCorps and bring them down.
(rifles through the packet)
There’s also only one man who would have the gall to put thirty-seven one-dollar bills in an envelope and call it “EXPENSES”.
GLORIA
He has been hanging around, poking his nose into my cases.
BOWDEN
You think he was trying to create a backdoor channel?
GLORIA
But why did he wait until now?
ZELDA
Maybe this was the first mission packet he had the opportunity to slip out of the office door.
MACKENZIE
Or maybe something big is about to go down that couldn’t wait.
GLORIA
I don’t know, Mackenzie. It’s very little intel, and after everything, is it worth it to help Athena?
MACKENZIE
...do you guys ever think about the things Skip said right before he walked out on us?
BOWDEN
Honestly, I try not to.
GLORIA
Yeah, he was...pretty angry at me and Zelda.
ZELDA
He accused me of believing that he lacked any useful skill set.
MACKENZIE
That’s...not exactly how he put it.
BOWDEN
I mean, do you think about what Skip said to us, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
All the time.
(beat)
I think Skip’s mixed up in something that he doesn’t understand. And he’s gonna need us if he’s ever gonna get untangled. And if there’s anyone who can mess up a Skip Granger mission...it’s us.
GLORIA
...okay. We’ll take the case.
MACKENZIE
Good. You won’t regret it.
GLORIA
I kind of already do.
TRANSITION MUSIC
EXT. SPITTIN’ IMAGE FARMS - DAY
SFX: A car idles up to the driveway entrance.
CHET
Okay team. Archie, get to the front door. Sederstrom, you’re with me. Mario, keep the engine running.
ARCHIE
No surprises this time, Chet.
CHET
I can’t imagine why there would be. Let’s go.
SFX: Chet’s team members give him an “affirmative”, and the team is in motion. Nearby, alpacas are BRAYING. The sound of sneaky footsteps.
MACKENZIE
What is the difference between a llama and an alpaca, anyway?
ZELDA
About twelve thousand dollars on the black market.
BOWDEN
I can get you a deal on one if you want me to talk to Guillermo del Toro for you.
GLORIA
Okay, team, straighten up! McGrath, print us those SnapFace masks!
MACKENZIE
Printing away.
GLORIA
Zelda, you’ll pose as a gardener at the hedges by the driveway entrance. You’ll get rid of Mario.
ZELDA
I’ll have some choice Italian words for that maniac.
MACKENZIE
Here’s your mask, Z. Good luck.
SFX: Zelda sneaks off.
GLORIA
Now Archie is going to try to get Athena to reveal her criminal contacts. So Bowden will arrive from the Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service! Athena will watch her words while he’s around! Get going!
BOWDEN
Sure thing, boss!
SFX: He goes.
GLORIA
Mackenzie, you and I will tail Chet and Ellie Mae. If they do uncover any criminal activities, we’ll report it to the police, rather than letting Terry Millionaire use it for his own nefarious purposes!
MACKENZIE
All right, here’s your disguise. Put it on.
GLORIA
Are you...going to be okay turning Athena over to the authorities?
MACKENZIE
I dunno. Did you ever accept Bowden’s marriage proposal?
GLORIA
WHAT WHO TOLD YOU.
MACKENZIE
He did.
GLORIA
Uh
MACKENZIE
I mean, if we’re doing girl talk.
GLORIA
You know what let’s get going!
MACKENZIE
Sure thing, Detective.
TRANSITION NOISE
INT. FARM HOUSE
SFX: A doorbell.
ATHENA
Patience, patience! I will grace you with my presence shortly.
(she opens the door)
Archie Grant.
ARCHIE
Athena O’Brien! Good to see you when you’re not threatening to bury me up to my neck in crabs.
ATHENA
The day is still young. Come in, come in, step through the metal archway, please.
ARCHIE
What is this, some kinda metal detector?
SFX: BZZZT.
ATHENA
Not quite.
ARCHIE
You know, I thought I had to go face-to-face through a mutual Yakuza contact just to set up this meeting because you didn’t use tech.
ATHENA
He was ex-Yakusa - I don’t deal with criminals anymore.
ARCHIE
I see.
ATHENA
Nor do I use phones or internet. I built this little baby from older sanitized scrap parts. It uses high-concentration radio wave bursts, and shorts out all electronics to make sure you didn’t come in here with any communication devices.
ARCHIE
Hang on, did you just brick my phone?
ATHENA
Open wide!
SFX: WHIRRR.
ARCHIE
Whoa! What does this bleeding thing do?
ATHENA
Oh, tongue swabs. It won’t hurt a bit.
ARCHIE
For what?
ATHENA
Genetic testing. Checking your telomeres.
ARCHIE
(laughing)
Telomeres? What? What are you, checking to see if I’m a clone?
(not laughing)
You’re not, right?
ATHENA
Let’s just say I have my reasons. Now open wide, or you don’t come in.
SFX: Archie reluctantly submits to the test
ATHENA
See? That wasn’t so bad. Come in, come in, have a seat!
SFX: They enter.
ARCHIE
So...you got no internet, but you got a multi-million dollar genetic tester?
ATHENA
Oh, the CRISPR unit does more than test. We use it to genetically alter our alpacas for maximum fuzziness and docility! Tomás! Bottled water and tea please!
SFX: A braying animal saunters into the room. Plates chitter on its back.
ARCHIE
Can’t say I’ve ever been served by an alpaca before.
ATHENA
He’s still getting the hang of the kitchen cabinets. Thank you Tomás!
SFX: Tomás brays. Athena sips some water.
ATHENA
So. Why don’t you try to sell me on this business idea of yours, and I’ll decide whether or not I let you live.
ARCHIE
Uhhh...
ATHENA
Sorry! Old habits. I meant, I’ll decide whether or not I...love...the idea.
TRANSITIION NOISE
SFX: Gloria and McGrath slip inside the barn. Lots of BRAYING.
GLORIA
I definitely saw Chet and Ellie Mae sneak in here - where are they?
MACKENZIE
Maybe they’re banking on the fact that they’ll blend right in with a herd of filthy animals.
GLORIA
I haven’t see any employees, have you?
MACKENZIE
No. It’s the weekend, they’re all off doing whatever you do in North Dakota on a Saturday.
(a moment of braying)
Although, really, what’s gonna top this?
GLORIA
Okay, look for files.
MACKENZIE
In a barn?
GLORIA
Ellie Mae Sederstrom led Chet in here! That woman can sniff out paperwork like a bloodhound! Maybe this is where Athena keeps...less than savory information.
MACKENZIE
Fine, c’mon.
SFX: They start to push their way through the alpacas.
MACKENZIE
I admit I feel naked on one of these missions without comms or network connection.
GLORIA
Don’t think of it as a mission. Think of it as some light breaking-and-entering.
MACKENZIE
That does make me feel better. And surprisingly, so does pushing through these designer llamas.
GLORIA
They’re so soft, right? I kind of hope Athena has gone legit, she’d do really well in the fashion sector!
MACKENZIE
Yeah, that’d be nice.
GLORIA
You don’t trust her?
MACKENZIE
I got a lot of mishmashed feelings about her, G.
(bump)
Back of the barn. They’re not here.
GLORIA
But...they didn’t just disappear. What’s this...
(creeeak)
It’s a secret door! Follow me and stay quiet.
MACKENZIE
This doesn’t bode well for a gone-legit Athena.
GLORIA
Hello? Anyone in here?
SFX: Someone suddenly rattles bars in a cage right next to them!
CHET
Hey! Whoever you are, let us out of this cage!
ELLIE MAE
Before the man who put us in here comes back!
MACKENZIE
Yeah, this really doesn’t bode well for a gone-legit Athena.
TRANSITION NOISE
SFX: Outside, Mario waits in the car, singing to himself. Someone RAPS on the window. He rolls it down.
MARIO
Eh? Whaddyou want?
ZELDA
Gotta move the car.
MARIO
Molto bene. I park over there.
ZELDA
You park in town.
MARIO
Che cosa?
ZELDA
This is private property.
MARIO
Utsa matter for you, eh? Town is fifteen miles away!
ZELDA
Better get going then.
MARIO
Now you listen to a-me! I drive an Uber! I’m-a here to pick up a passenger! It’s a free country and I park where I want to!
SFX: Zelda HEADBUTTS him. He slumps down, unconscious.
ZELDA
It’s not that free.
TRANSITION NOISE
SFX: Archie’s in the middle of his presentation.
ARCHIE
It’s the combination hat-and-coat! You got your hat, you got your coat! You put ‘em together, you sew ‘em together, real cheap-like!
ATHENA
And what does this have to do with my alpacas?
ARCHIE
I mean, I been doing this presentation for three minutes and I can’t stop leaning up against Tomás, here.
TOMÁS THE ALPACA
<happy bray>
ARCHIE
We make hat-coats out of this material? We’ll make a killing!
ATHENA
I don’t do killing anymore.
ARCHIE
We’ll make a living! I mean, with your contacts - tell me, who are your biggest buyers?
ATHENA
You haven’t earned that information.
ARCHIE
C’mon! Every great business relationship starts with trust -
(ding dong)
- was, uh, do you have a second meeting?
ATHENA
Noo...Tomás? Get the door.
SFX: Tomás trots to the door and opens it.
BOWDEN
Good morning, sir, ma’am, whatever gender this animal is, I’m here from APHIS.
ARCHIE
We already rented a car.
BOWDEN
No sir, the Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service. You’re overdue on your farm inspection, it’ll just take an hour or so.
ARCHIE
We’re kinda in the middle of business, here, bud!
BOWDEN
I can’t tell you how sorry I am to ruin your day in particular, sir, but surprise inspections wait for no llama.
ARCHIE
Look, mate - here, here’s thirty quid, just tell your boss your car broke down, wink wink!
ATHENA
No no, Archie. Spittin’ Image Farms is a strictly legal enterprise. We have nothing to hide. Come in, inspector.
BOWDEN
Thank you, ma’am!
ATHENA
Just stick out your tongue out for a quick genetic test so I can see that you are who you say you are.
SFX: WHHIRRR.
BOWDEN
...uhhhhh. Well we’ve never met, how could I -
ATHENA
It will make sure that you’re human.
BOWDEN
Oh! Well then -
ATHENA
And that you’re not one of my many former associates or rivals whose DNA I have in my database.
BOWDEN
Uh huh. You know what? I’m just getting over this cold -
ARCHIE
Maybe you should go to the urgent care right now.
BOWDEN
Maybe I shouldn’t, you know, contaminate your instruments?
ATHENA
Stick your tongue out, fella. Now.
TRANSITION NOISE
In the barn:
GLORIA
Chet and Ellie Mae!
CHET
What? How do you know who we are?
ELLIE MAE
You sound familiar...
MACKENZIE (whispering to Gloria)
You’re wearing a SnapFace mask, doofus.
GLORIA (whispering)
Oh, jeez, it’s been so long since I’ve had one of these on...
(out loud, and also Schnazzy)
Uh, hey! We’re just some regular ol’ do-gooders, out doing good! Who tossed you two in this alpaca cage?
ELLIE MAE
Just find a key!
CHET
And hurry. The man who put us in here is extremely dangerous -
KRISTATOS
Oh look. More guests.
SFX: Gloria and McGrath gasp as Kristatos sneaks up from behind!
MACKENZIE
Oh shit! Kristatos O’Brien!
GLORIA
Careful, he’s got -
(switches to Schnazzy)
- uh, I mean, watch your backsides, tootsie pops, he’s got a pair of wool shears!
KRISTATOS
How many teammates have you brought with you today, Mister Phillips?
CHET
I don’t know who these two are, Kristatos! They’re innocent civilians, let ‘em go!
ELLIE MAE
Or we’d be willing to trade! Two for two?
KRISTATOS
You are all trespassing on private property. I am afraid I have no choice...but to call the police.
MACKENZIE
What? You’re not gonna kill us?
KRISTATOS
Of course not! I am a humble farmer, born and raised in North Dakota! We are doing nothing wrong here.
ELLIE MAE
Okay! Sure! Call the police!
KRISTATOS
If whomever Mister Phillips is working for tries to disavow you by having you murdered in jail, there’s nothing I can do about that.
CHET
Nice try, Kris! But Ellie Mae found all the files with your business contacts! It reads like a Who’s Who of Interpol’s Most Wanted! So go ahead and call the police!
KRISTATOS
There is nothing illegal about shipping alpacas, no matter who the buyers are. Is there?
CHET
I mean...is there, Ellie Mae?
ELLIE MAE
As someone who’s skirted the letter of the law for most of her life, I’d have to say...no.
CHET
Ah, crap.
KRISTATOS
So we’ll call the police, then.
GLORIA
(picking through the papers)
Wait a minute. Ms. McG...illicuddy? Look at these shipping routes. Do you notice anything weird about them?
MACKENZIE
Oh yeah! Kristatos, you’re shipping these same alpacas from one customer to the next! It’s like an alpaca rideshare service! What are you up to?
KRISTATOS
Nothing! Give me those papers!
GLORIA
Hold on! These trade routes match up exactly to known weapons smuggling routes!
MACKENZIE
Are you smuggling weapons inside designer llamas?
ELLIE MAE
My god! They’ve genetically engineered the alpaca fur to be so thick you can hide contraband in the animals’ pelts!
CHET
So that’s your game! Your alpacas are mules!
MACKENZIE
Why does that sound like animal racism?
ELLIE MAE
It’s at the very least zoologically inaccurate.
KRISTATOS
Enough! Perhaps you have convinced me...
(sharpens the blade)
...to not involve the authorities.
MACKENZIE (whispering)
Got any more bright ideas, Detective?
GLORIA (whispering)
I’ve got one bad idea.
MACKENZIE (whispering)
I’ll take it!
GLORIA (out loud, Schnazzy)
You forgot just one thing, Kristatos!
KRISTATOS
And what is that?
GLORIA
My Uncle Riley taught me the mating call of every wild animal on earth!
KRISTATOS
How could I have known that so as to forget it -
SFX: Gloria claps her hands over her mouth and MAKES A HORRIBLE NOISE. ALL THE ALPACAS BURST THROUGH THE DOOR FROM THE BARN!
CHET
GAAAH IT’S A STAMPEDE
KRISTATOS
NO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
GLORIA
ABANDON BARN
SFX: Chaos ensues.
TRANSITION NOISE
SFX: Zelda sits in the idling car.
ZELDA
What is taking them so long? I hate doing this without comms.
SFX: There’s a rustle in the backseat.
ZELDA
What was that?
MARIO (murderous)
ITSA ME, MARIO
SFX: Mario LEAPS UP and starts to STRANGLE ZELDA! She FIGHTS BACK!
ZELDA
DAMMIT I THOUGHT YOU WERE OUT COLD
MARIO
I GOTTA A HARD HEAD! I CAN-A SMASH BRICKS WITH IT!
SFX: The car STARTS MOVING!
ZELDA
YOU IDIOT GET YOUR FOOT OFF THE GAS WE’RE MOVING
MARIO
NO PROBLEM I CAN STEER WHILE I-A STRANGLE YOU
SFX: The car SPEEDS AWAY!
TRANSITION NOISE
Back in the house -
BOWDEN
Uh, listen lady - maybe we could just do an outdoor inspection, whadya think?
ATHENA
You know, your unwillingness to submit to an invasive genetic test makes me wonder if you really are a government employee.
ARCHIE
Will you just get lost, fella?
ATHENA
No. He’s gonna stick out his tongue before I get testy.
BOWDEN
People, let’s not fight in front of this peaceful domesticated animal!
ATHENA
Tomás, attack!
SFX: Tomás attacks Bowden ferociously.
BOWDEN
Down, llama! Down!
ARCHIE
I thought you were against murder now!
ATHENA
This is technically legal. It’s a Castle Doctrine state.
SFX: RRRIPP! Tomás tears off Bowden’s Snapface.
ARCHIE
GAH it bit his face off!
BOWDEN
No no no no no uhhh hi!
ATHENA
I KNEW IT. Grant, you rat!
ARCHIE
What?!?
ATHENA
You brought your ex-EMF buddies with you!
ARCHIE
He’s not with me!
ATHENA
Tomás, kill!
ARCHIE
AH GOD
BOWDEN
Okay, here, get his legs -
ARCHIE
IT’S BITING MY HAIR
ATHENA
Now I wish I did have a phone I’d livestream this.
BOWDEN
It’s gonna take more than one mad alpaca to take us down, Athena!
MACKENZIE
OUT OF THE WAY
SFX: McGrath, Gloria, Chet, Ellie Mae, Kristatos, and TWENTY ALPACAS BURST INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
ATHENA
DAD WHAT THE HELL!
KRISTATOS
THIS IS WHY I RAISE POTATOES
SFX: ABSOLUTE CHAOS.
ATHENA
OKAY HEEL!
SFX: The whole room comes to a standstill.
ATHENA
You see? They’re very well trained. Oh hello Chet.
CHET
Hi Athena.
ATHENA
Now. If there are no further distractions -
SFX: A car PLOWS THROUGH THE WALL. Everyone leaps out of the way, and then silence settles again. Zelda slowly rolls down the window.
ZELDA
Hello Chet. I brought your car around.
CHET
Thanks Zelda.
MARIO
Oh my head!
ATHENA
Okay. I’ve been really good for six months. But you have all convinced me that I’ve earned a little murder as a treat. I think if the cops find burglars trampled to death, that won’t raise too many questions.
MACKENZIE
Oh, for crying out loud.
(she tears off her mask)
Don’t do it, man.
ATHENA
McGrath?
CHET
MCGRATH?
ATHENA
And lemme guess - Kovak.
GLORIA (giving up, taking the mask off)
Oh, what the hay. You got me.
MACKENZIE
Athena...you look great.
ATHENA
You’re covered in alpaca shit, but...you look alright I guess.
MACKENZIE
You’re doing great. The business is legit. You haven’t smuggled any weapons yet. And these alpacas are SO SOFT.
ATHENA
I’m a genius, right?
MACKENZIE
Super genius.
ATHENA
Lex Luthor style, babe.
MACKENZIE
You’re this close to owning the entire fashion world. So just...call the police, we spend a night in jail, and everybody moves on.
ATHENA
...I’m such a sucker for you.
MACKENZIE
I have that effect on people.
ATHENA
All right. Dad? Send in the cops.
SKIP
They’re already here!
SFX: Skip strides happily into the room.
ATHENA
GRANGER?
GLORIA AND BOWDEN AND ZELDA
SKIP?!?
CHET
Hey boss! Funny seeing you here along with EVERYONE ELSE ON EARTH.
SKIP
I was just listening in and decided to wrap this up!
ATHENA
How are you listening in? There are no TerryChips here -
SKIP
Sure there are! In your plastic water bottle cap!
(he picks it up)
Is this thing on?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (FROM THE CAP)
Hello again, everyone.
ATHENA
GAAAH TERRY! You’re just trying to ruin me out of spite, aren’t you?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (FROM THE CAP)
I don’t know what you’re talking about, Athena. We work for the government.
SKIP
That’s right! And the house is surrounded! We have recorded your files, everything that has been said at the farm today, and have enough information to show that you intended to smuggle weapons using alpacas!
(beat)
Thank you! Have a great day!
ATHENA
Sooooo let’s get outta here Dad.
KRISTATOS
Right on your tail sweetheart!
ATHENA
To me, Tomás!
SFX: They jump onto alpacas and begin to ride away.
CHET
Wait!
ATHENA
Great to see you again, everyone! McGrath, especially you.
MACKENZIE
Athena -
ATHENA
Tomás, awaaaay!
KRISTATOS
Ride, you magnificent beast!
SFX: They’re gone!
MARIO
Oh, what? You think you can outrun the great Mario Capretti? I can-a race anything! Presto, mio amor!
SFX: Mario leaps onto an alpaca and races after them!
ZELDA
Get back here you...oh forget it.
ARCHIE
Granger, your old crew showed up and ruined everything! And I got three guesses who sent ‘em here! And all three are Chet Backstabbin’ Phillips!
CHET
That’s not true! Skip, Terry, I didn’t -
ARCHIE
Ah, go wank yourself, Phillips. Don’t call me again. Getting out of here -
CHET
Archie wait -
SFX: He leaves.
GLORIA
Skip.
SKIP
Oh hi, Gloria! I -
GLORIA
How long have you been eavesdropping on us?
SKIP (FROM THE CAP)
Uh...since everyone received those letters Chet mailed, summoning them to your office?
SFX: Gloria and Bowden react with shock, but McGrath laughs.
CHET
Terry! I don’t know what he’s talking about, but -
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Hush, Chet.
GLORIA
How is that possible?
SKIP
The postage stamps on the envelopes were a new line embedded with TerryChips.
MACKENZIE
I think you’re fired, Chet.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Oh, you think?
ZELDA
Good try, though. A for effort.
CHET
You know what? You can’t fire me. I quit. And don’t expect me to schedule an exit interview, Skip.
MACKENZIE
You tell em, Phillips! Burn it all down!
SKIP (scandalized)
And don’t let the door hit your well-chiseled posterior on the way out!
SFX: Chet storms out.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Ms. Sederstrom? There’s an escort waiting to take you back to TerryCorps. Please join them.
ELLIE MAE
Oh I can wait for Skippy-
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Go. Now.
ELLIE MAE
Very well.
SFX: She goes.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Don’t mind me, folks. I’m sure you’d love to catch up.
ZELDA
While you listen in through a water bottle cap?
MACKENZIE
Keep yapping, Terry, I’m just gonna power up Athena’s chipzapper, here.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Ladies. I am the soul of discretion, there’s nothing you can say to Skip that -
SFX: BZZZZZHT. McGrath fries the bottlecap.
MACKENZIE
That’ll do it.
SKIP
So...how’s everyone’s been?
GLORIA
Skip is my office TerryBugged? How much are you able to hear?
SKIP
Well...
BOWDEN
Are you on our phones?
MACKENZIE
He’s on everyone’s phone. TerryChips are in everything. He can listen to anything he wants.
SKIP
But I wanted to talk to you all again face to face -
BOWDEN
Yup.
SKIP
Remember how we used to -
GLORIA
Nope.
SKIP
I mean despite the fact that you weren’t supposed to be here, you ended up being a big help today!
BOWDEN
Skip, what exactly did we accomplish here?
ZELDA
We helped a corrupt multi-national corporation.
GLORIA
I guess I was right about regretting this. Come on, Bo.
BOWDEN
Uh, well, take care McGrath. Zelda.
ZELDA
See you all in another six months, I guess.
SKIP
Wait, guys, I just wanted to say that I -
SFX: They’re gone.
MACKENZIE
You really got a way with words, don’t you?
SKIP
McGrath - I just wanted to...talk.
MACKENZIE
I’m here. Talk.
SKIP
I miss you. I miss hearing from you. I just - are you okay?
MACKENZIE
...I’m okay.
SKIP
Really?
MACKENZIE
I’m out on my own for the first time in years. And it’s been great.
SKIP
I’m so happy to hear that.
MACKENZIE
Looks like the job’s been keeping you busy.
SKIP
It sure has! Pretty soon we’ll have my old EMF filing system completely integrated, and then we’ll be ready to take on the world!
MACKENZIE
How soon?
SKIP
Honestly, I’d say by - oh ho ho! You almost got me!
MACKENZIE
Pretty slick, Section Chief.
SKIP
I’m still getting used to that title. And being in charge.
MACKENZIE
Hey, you ordered us around for years.
SKIP
Remember the time I made you follow a plan so complicated it required 3D pop-up books of a Swiss hotel?
MACKENZIE
(laughs)
Yeah. Remember the time I made fun of you so hard your brain overloaded a server?
SKIP
Remember the time we illegally broke into a warehouse in our pajamas?
SFX: They laugh together.
SKIP
...I really miss you.
MACKENZIE
Me too.
SKIP
...come work for me?
MACKENZIE
No.
SKIP
Terry would be lucky to have you.
MACKENZIE
He can’t have me.
SKIP
All you need is someone on your side! I can get your foot in the door! But it’s now or never.
MACKENZIE
Go back to TerryCorps, Skip.
SKIP
...all right. Goodbye McGrath.
MACKENZIE
Whatever.
SFX: He leaves. An alpaca brays at her.
MACKENZIE
Aw, shut up, you soft jerk.
(beat)
Screw this.
SFX: She dials on her phone.
GLORIA (ON PHONE)
What now, McGrath? We’re heading for the airport.
MACKENZIE
I want to hire the Kovak Detective Agency.
GLORIA (ON PHONE)
Really? To do what?
MACKENZIE
We’re gonna break into TerryCorps ...and stop Skip Granger.
END THEME MUSIC!
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John P. Dowgin. Associate Producer: Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written and directed by Pete Barry.
It starred:
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice
Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O’Brien
Jill Ivey as Ellie Mae Sederstrom
and Bob Killion as Archie Grant
Guest Starring
Rebecca Serfass as Hannah Brandt
David S. Dear as Terry Millionaire
John Dowgin as Dr. Stroodebaker
Eric Perry as Whitmire
Molly Ward as Cardamom Brandy
J. Michael DeAngelis as Mario Capretti
Pete Barry as Kristatos O’Brien
and Caden Dowgin as Timmy “Two Bits” Thompson
Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry.
Patreon members heard this episode - and every episode - early. For as little as $1 a month, you can be among the first to hear how this cliffhanger resolves. And then you can lord it over your friends. I know I would. Learn more at patreon.com/missionrejected. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2024 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
MUSIC FADES
INT. TERRYCORPS HQ
SFX: Skip walks through the building. The lab door pops open.
STROODEBAKER
Hey Chief?
SKIP
Yes, Doctor Stroodebaker?
STROODEBAKER
We’re done. Can we get breakfast now?
SKIP
The system is completed? It’s ready for Genesis?
STROODEBAKER
That’s right.
SKIP
All right. I’ll make my report to Mister Millionaire. Good work, Doctor!
SFX: Skip runs off. Stroodebaker closes the lab door.
STROODEBAKER
Okay I didn’t tell him anything. Can I have my breakfast burrito now?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
It’s on me, Doctor.
STROODEBAKER
Okay guys, break time!
SFX: The lab techs run off to eat.
WHITMIRE
I, eh, hope this filing system was worth the wait.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Why not ask your prisoners?
WHITMIRE
They’re not prisoners, they’re detainees working off their three-thousand year sentences. We even let this one out in the fresh air for a while - isn’t that right, Ms. Sederstrom?
ELLIE MAE (broken, tired)
The filing system Skip created is...ingenious, Mister Secretary. My eyes water at the thought of its beauty -
WHITMIRE
Right, whatever. And how are the cloning chemicals looking, Desoto?
DESOTO (also broken)
Would you believe, they would have been produced much faster if you’d let me out of this cage?
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Can I stop sweeping now?
WHITMIRE
Sure thing, Timmy, in another two point nine millenia.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Ugggh
WHITMIRE
I’ve waited way too long for this, Terry.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
All things in the fullness of time, Eustace. By tomorrow night, we’ll be fully operational.
WHITMIRE
And my clones? Where’s the physical Genesis device?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
It’s still safe in storage on the TerryCorps darktrain. I think it’s just about time to go down and retrieve it, don’t you?
SFX: A transition as we sink under the ground...
...we hear the roar of the darktrain...
...and then we are inside it, hearing its pulsing engines.
GENESIS VOICE
Genesis device at ninety-nine percent power. Genesis device at ninety...Genesis device fully powered. Starting cloning process job zero zero zero zero one. Subject: Hunter Ridley Randolph Fletcher.
ADMIRAL (IN THE COMPUTER)
Hello world!
SFX: The Admiral in the computer begins to laugh!
MUSIC: END STING!