Season Four, Episode Twelve: “GRANGER’S ON A TRAIN”
Transcript
INT. SUBWAY - DAY
The rumble of the subway. McGrath yawns.
ANNOUNCER (ON PA)
Next stop, the Nondescript Business District.
WOMAN ON TRAIN
Excuse me?
MACKENZIE
Huh?
WOMAN ON TRAIN
Does this train go to 5th Street?
MACKENZIE
Oh, uh, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I’m pretty jet lagged, I just got back from France.
WOMAN ON TRAIN
Really!
MACKENZIE
Yeah, second time this year.
WOMAN ON TRAIN
Oh, how romantic! You go with anyone special?
MACKENZIE
Ha! No, not really. Not this time.
WOMAN ON TRAIN
Someday.
MACKENZIE
Sure. Someday.
(DING, and the doors open)
Nice talking to you.
WOMAN ON TRAIN
You too!
Mackenzie goes. A man approaches the Woman.
CHET
Nice SnapFace mask.
WOMAN ON TRAIN (ATHENA)
Huh?
(losing the fake voice)
Oh great. You stalking me now?
CHET
You could just call her, you know.
ATHENA
Thanks, Dear Abby.
CHET
I figured when you broke out of your prison cell...however that happened...you’d destroy the Dark EMF and go back to your girlfriend.
ATHENA
Not my girlfriend.
CHET
Instead, you’ve enlisted with the people who kept you in a cage. So what’s your angle, sweetheart?
ATHENA
Terry’s running the world’s most powerful secret organization. You know how much I like power.
CHET
Then why are you still talking to McGrath?
BEEP. The doors open.
ATHENA
I’ll see you at the office. And stay out of my way.
CHET
Athena -
(she’s gone)
...all right. May the best Dark EMF Agent with ulterior motives win.
THEME MUSIC!
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents - the backups. Tonight’s episode: Granger’s On A Train.
INT. DARK EMF HQ
FWOOSH! Chet shudders as a chamber pops open. The same audible thrumming as usual. Chet walks down the corridor.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Oof. These Dark EMF access elevators should provide smoother rides!
CHET
If you can invent a better way to board a train while it stays in motion, I’d love to hear it.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Would you?!?
CHET
No! Now we’ve finally got a one-on-one with Millionaire so he’ll tell us his plan to bring down the EMF. So you’re gonna shut up, you got it?
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
At your service, Agent Phillips!
Chet open the door and steps into
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM
...where a crowd is already gathering. The dark bleeps and bloops of DARK 50s-SCIFI.
ATHENA
Late as usual, Chetty!
DAVIN
Glad you could make it, Mister Phillips.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Nyah heh heh!
ELLIE MAE
How nice to see you again!
DESOTO
Pull up a chair, Phillips!
QUINN
Took you long enough to get here.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
One-on-one, eh?
CHET
I didn’t realize this was gonna be a party or I’d have brought chips and salsa. Where’s Millionaire?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON THE PA)
I’m everywhere, Agent Phillips.
CHET
Still not interested in boarding your own train, huh?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON THE PA)
I build public transportation. I do not ride in it. Switch on the VR Slide 3000, if you would, Master Thompson.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Yes sir!
An unnecessarily overpowered virtual reality slide projector beams a holographic image into the room. OOOHS.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
Our recent setbacks show a failure of leadership. Specifically, that we have none. So, I’ve selected Agent Phillips, Mr. Ford, and Ms. O’Brien as candidates for the position of Dark EMF Section Chief.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
I suggest a vote!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
This is not a democracy, Mister Thompson. This is a meritocracy. I want to see the best manager win.
DESOTO
If you’re looking for input, sir, I advocate for Mister Ford.
QUINN
I object.
DESOTO
On what grounds?
QUINN
His fake-ass accent.
DAVIN
And I object to Chet Phillips, who I suspect is the most likely reason that Athena O’Brien is somehow free and WORKING for us!
CHET
Why would I let her out - so she can kill me in my sleep AND steal my job?
ATHENA
Boys, boys. Is this any way to show leadership skills? Especially since only one person in this room has any experience running a company?
DAVIN
Mister Millionaire, how do you intend to choose a Section Chief?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
It’ll be the person who helps to complete my latest and greatest defense product.
BEEP! A machine rises up from the floor.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Our prisoner rehabilitation project seems to have reached its limitations. So we’re switching from a strategy of reform...to one of replacement.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
What is that machine? Get a closer look, you fool!
CHET
(under his breath)
Knock it off!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
The old EMF utilizes the quaint technique of replacing targets with actors in masks. Well...using our newly acquired Genesis device, we will simply replace our targets on any media platform we wish.
QUINN
Yeah, until the real target walks out their front door.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
No longer a problem! Thanks to Miss Ellie Mae Sederstrom’s revolutionary genome sequencer -
ELLIE MAE
Patent pending!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
- we can simply fabricate a cloned copy of the target for the world to see.
QUINN
Jesus.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
Ah, yes! I could buy the shroud of Turin for the base genetic code. Good thinking, Ms. Corrino. Make a note.
ATHENA
Human clones? Interesting...
DAVIN
I hate to be a negative nelly, sir, but those clones would be mere husks. Comatose bodies - alive, but unable to think, move or act.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
But the technology to program a human brain does exist. The final piece of this product.
CHET
My god.
ATHENA
My god.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
My god!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
You have a contribution to the discussion, Chet?
CHET
Uh...sir...O’Brien and I have seen this brain-reprogramming technology up close.
ATHENA
Sure have! Works like gangbusters!
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
We must have it again!
CHET
(fighting back the Admiral)
I...strongly advise against this plan, boss.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
I’m very curious to hear why.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
I WILL have it again!
CHET
There was only one man who truly understood how it worked -
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
ALL WILL TREMBLE BEFORE ME!
CHET
- Admiral Fletcher. And he’s dead.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
I FEEL SO ALIVE!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
Ah, but there is one other person who understands the brain-rewiring technology, Chet. And I want him. So let the games begin. Employees may align themselves with who they wish -
QUINN
Chet.
DESOTO
Ford.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Then it’s you and me, Lady O’Brien!
ATHENA
Aw shit.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
- and the candidate whose team can successfully acquire the target will acquire for themselves the job title of Section Chief.
DAVIN
Challenge accepted, sir.
ATHENA
Be prepared to be crushed, sweetie.
CHET
And who exactly are we hunting for?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
I want you to bring me the head...of Doctor Biff Studebaker.
Gasps!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
I mean, attached to his body. Was that ambiguous? Just bring me Doctor Studebaker so I can give him a job. Millionaire out.
TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. BRIEFING ROOM - NO DEFINITE TIME
Gloria bumps her way into the room. Our old comfortable 50s SCI-FI.
GLORIA
Sorry I’m late! I’ve got everyone’s coffees, the line at the cafeteria was very long -
ZELDA
Actually, you’re right on time.
GLORIA
Oh! Section Chief! Hello!...where’s everyone else?
ZELDA
They’ll be here in two minutes.
GLORIA
Wasn’t the briefing supposed to start at -
ZELDA
Your calendar was altered, and the cafeteria line timed precisely so you would arrive before the others.
Let’s discuss your test results.
GLORIA
Oh. Chief, I know my performance on that last test left something to be desired.
ZELDA
You scored higher than any previous agent to date.
GLORIA
...what?
ZELDA
The nearest previous score was Chet Phillips’, and you beat him in every category - from leadership to household weaponry - by ten points.
GLORIA
(having a moment)
I...well...I’m sure there were...there’s no mistake?
ZELDA
...Agent Kovak, why are you getting the coffee?
GLORIA
Oh, just, part of being a team! We each take turns getting the coffee!
(beat)
Well, most of us take turns. We don’t let Ms. McGrath buy the coffee anymore.
(beat)
Or Bowden. He tries to get everyone to try trendy flavors despite our protests.
(beat)
So Skip and I take turns getting the coffee!
ZELDA
What are the percentages?
GLORIA
Um...80-20 me.
ZELDA
You also run the slide projector, make copies, and take notes.
GLORIA
My notes are the neatest notes.
ZELDA
Ms. Kovak, you are still doing the work of an intern, despite the fact that you long ago outpaced your fellow teammates.
GLORIA
Well Section Chief it’s all just part of -
ZELDA
Five years ago Chet Phillips went on vacation and I had to promote Skip -
GLORIA
Chief -
ZELDA
- because I didn’t have a better option.
GLORIA
Chief, I see where this is going, and I’m not taking Skip’s job.
ZELDA
That’s right. You’re taking Chet Phillips’ job.
GLORIA
.....I...
ZELDA
Is that a problem? Chet’s gone, he’s defected to the Dark EMF.
GLORIA
It’s just that I always assumed that Skip eventually would be the one -
ZELDA
Skip has reached his aptitude level. You have to find yours.
GLORIA
But -
`The DOOR OPENS, and in come the others.
SKIP
Oh good, Section Chief, you’re here!
MACKENZIE
Yeah, you can answer about a million questions.
BOWDEN
Mostly about how Chet Phillips keeps switching sides more often than James Cordon in a Boston Market.
MACKENZIE
Zelda, aren’t you supposed to be keeping tabs on that guy?
SKIP
Now McGrath, Chet seemed to be showing more loyalty than ever! The Section Chief would have informed us if she suspected that Chet might be turning to the Dark EMF. Right, Chief?
ZELDA
...that’s correct.
MACKENZIE
Sorry. I’m just angry. They’re looking for excuses to shut us down-
ZELDA
Then we’ll just have to beat them to the punch. What have you discovered, Skip?
SKIP
Well it took some time, but...
(thump)
I went through the files. All the files.
BOWDEN
This has more pages than a first draft Tarantino.
GLORIA
More cursing, too!
MACKENZIE
Are those my transcripts?
SKIP
Following ATM statements, Yelp reviews and traffic patterns from our information-collecting database-
MACKENZIE
It’s good to be reminded that we really are the Illuminati every once in a while.
SKIP
- I’ve discovered sixteen probable locations that Agent Phillips may have frequented outside of business hours over the last six months.
Zelda’s phone rings.
GLORIA
Everything all right, Chief?
ZELDA
I have to take this call.
SKIP
Go ahead, Chief! We’ll try to figure out the best options for tracking down Agent Phillips! Now, team, if you’ll examine this relief map I had Dr. Pickle draw...
Skip rambles to the others in the background, while Zelda BEEPS on her phone, and answers in a hushed tone:
ZELDA
Speak quickly.
CHET (ON PHONE)
They’re coming for Studebaker.
ZELDA
Who is?
CHET (ON PHONE)
All of us. The boss wants what’s in his head. You gotta protect him.
BEEP.
ZELDA
Where’s Doctor Studebaker?
GLORIA
In his lab, I suppose.
BOWDEN
What was that call?
ZELDA
An anonymous tipster. The Dark EMF is coming for him.
SKIP
Find him! Quick!
All five LEAP INTO ACTION.
They exit the briefing room and begin running around the facility, opening door after door. A montage of running and doors opening on annoyed coworkers:
GLORIA
Doctor Studebaker? Doctor Studebaker? AAAH
PICKLE
Sorry!
GLORIA
Have you seen Doctor Studebaker?
PICKLE
Ah...yes. He’s sort of broad shouldered, greying, has a -
GLORIA
Today?
PICKLE
Oh. Goodness. No.
GLORIA
Oh jeez!
ANOTHER DOOR.
MACKENZIE
Have you seen Studebaker?
MISSION VOICE
Jesus H. Christ! You’ve ruined good tape! Friggin’ McGrath.
ANOTHER DOOR.
BOWDEN
Stefan! Where’s Studebaker?
STEFAN
The better question is where’s YOUR sense of style? Those pants -
MORE RUNNING
SKIP AND MACKENZIE
Doctor Studebaker -
THEY COLLIDE!
SKIP
Sorry McGrath!
MACKENZIE
Get out of my way!
SKIP
Okay sorry!
SKIP RUNS, OPENING MANY DOORS.
SKIP
Doctor Studebaker? Have you seen Doctor Studebaker? Anyone?
Skip opens a door and a FLAMETHROWER NEARLY ROASTS HIM!
SKIP
GAAAH
WILES
Whoops! Don’t come barreling into the flamethrower-testing room, my man!
SKIP
Doctor Wiles, where is Doctor Studebaker?
WILES
Does he work here anymore?
MACKENZIE
(catching up)
This is his lab! His name is on the door!
WILES
Oh I thought it was, like, “in honor of”.
MACKENZIE
You think we would honor Studebaker?
WILES
I heard they were supposed to name a wing after that Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynn guy but the plaque was too long for the hallway.
SKIP
DOCTOR WILES. Where is Doctor Studebaker?
WILES
He went to a Taylor Swift concert six months ago and never came back!
SKIP
WHAT?!?
MACKENZIE
And nobody noticed?
WILES
Did you notice?
MACKENZIE
Touche.
SKIP
Oh no. That means...he could be anywhere.
INTERIM MUSIC.
INT. AIRPORT - DAY
Flights are announced over the PA system.
ATTENDANT
Here you are, ma’am, four tickets to Kansas City.
GLORIA
Thank you!
BOWDEN
This seems like a long shot. That Taylor Swift concert was six months ago.
GLORIA
We have to start somewhere. Let’s regroup with the others.
They start walking quickly through the airport.
BOWDEN
Soooo not to be a bother, but about that question I popped -
GLORIA
Oh my goodness I’m so sorry Bowden -
BOWDEN
- no worries, things have been moving quickly -
GLORIA
- there’s just so many things going on right now and I want to talk about it but I have to be like three different people and can we please just put a pin in it?
BOWDEN
My love, I will always wait for you.
GLORIA
Thanks, Bo.
SKIP (OFF)
Gloria!
GLORIA
Present! Here’s the tickets.
They run over and join Skip and Mackenzie.
BOWDEN
I hope you’re all good with fourth class.
GLORIA
Technically it’s four-and-a-half. The seats have arms but no backs.
MACKENZIE
Oof. Hopefully the EMF will last long enough to reimburse your credit card bill.
SKIP
Zelda’s on the phone! Gather round.
ZELDA (ON PHONE)
Listen up. You’ll have to split up to cover as much ground as possible. Skip will head up one team, Gloria the other.
GLORIA
Chief? I think Skip is perfectly capable of -
SKIP
Oh come, Gloria, the Chief is right!
GLORIA
Well -
SKIP
We can race to the prize!
GLORIA
But -
SKIP
May the best team win!
GLORIA
Uh, well, I’d really rather not -
ZELDA (ON PHONE)
It’s an order, Agent Kovak. We’ll discuss your progress afterwards.
GLORIA
Yes ma’am.
SKIP
At least we’ve got the advantage: Chet doesn’t know about the concert in Kansas City.
ZELDA
...yes...right.
TRANSITION MUSIC!
INT. CAR RENTAL GARAGE - DAY
Chet talks quietly on his phone.
CHET
Okay, we made it to Kansas City. Thanks for the tip.
Chet hangs up and walks across the lot.
CHET
How’s the car looking?
QUINN
Like overkill.
WALLACE
Here you are, sir, ma’am. You’re all gassed up and ready to go.
CHET
You didn’t tell us the rentals were TerryCars.
WALLACE
Self driving! They haven’t killed any pedestrians in two years! Depending on who you count.
CHET
Fine, I’ll just turn off the autopilot -
WALLACE
That’s not possible on this model, sir. And the robot chauffeur is welded to the driver’s seat.
QUINN
Shotgun.
CHET
I...jeez. Fine.
SLAM. They both get in the car.
ROBOT
Destination?
CHET
Arrowhead Stadium.
ROBOT
Thank you!
CHET
At least if someone shoots at us, he can take the bullet.
QUINN
What did Zelda say on the phone?
CHET
...I, what, that’s -
QUINN
I’m not gonna rat you out. Is she the one who suggested this town?
CHET
I’m not working with Zelda.
QUINN
Whatever you say.
CHET
...but you’d be okay with it if I was?
QUINN
That’s office politics for the up-and-ups. We’re the ones on the ground, doing actual good. Right?
CHET
Right.
QUINN
We are the good guys, right?
CHET
Yeah of course.
QUINN
Then who cares who we work for?
CHET
...I might have to make a personal phone call when we find Studebaker.
QUINN
Do what you gotta do.
The car drives off. Nearby, another car engine revs.
DAVIN
I was hoping we’d pursue Chet to a more classy American city.
DESOTO
And you’re sure Phillips is right?
DAVIN
There’s only one way to find out.
DESOTO
Follow him?
DAVIN
Oh no, of course not! That would be far too pedestrian! To the water main, Ted.
DESOTO
With pleasure!
TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. ARROWHEAD STADIUM OFFICES - NIGHT
Skip and McGrath break into the office.
SKIP
Good work, McGrath!
MACKENZIE
Not the first time I’ve broken into a concert venue.
SKIP
Not to steal from the venue or the artists, I hope.
MACKENZIE
Nah, that’s what Ticketmaster is for. But why are we breaking into the offices? Don’t you want to check Studebaker’s concert seat?
SKIP
Just as we arrived at the stadium, I received a mysterious Deep-Throat-esque voice message! An insider!
MACKENZIE
No way.
SKIP
Way! Here, listen:
BEEP as Skip plays the message from a pitched-down voice:
GLORIA (ON PHONE)
(obviously, pitched down)
Hey ya sorry sacks of potatoes! I’m a...good...uh...Samaritan...and, uh, you’ll find a clue to Doctor S’s whereabouts in the back offices! Check it out before your teammates get there! Ha.
Beep.
MACKENZIE
Skip. That was Gloria.
SKIP
No it wasn’t!
MACKENZIE
She has one “cool voice” and she literally does it every time.
SKIP
Why would Gloria leave that message? No, I think we’re onto something big here!
MACKENZIE
Whatever.
SKIP
Aha! The concert receipts! A mountain of information that could lead us to Studebaker!
MACKENZIE
There’s, like, seven million pieces of paper here.
SKIP
We can’t know that exactly until we count them! I’ll work on a stack of accounts receivable, while you -
(his phone rings)
Ooo! Unlisted number! Maybe it’s the informant!
MACKENZIE
Can’t wait to hear this.
SKIP
(beep)
Hello?
GLORIA (ON PHONE)
(masked, and also muffled somewhere in the room)
Uh, hey smart guy? Maybe look around the room instead.
MACKENZIE
Gloria, I can hear you up in the vents or something.
GLORIA (ON PHONE)
Uh, what? No, there’s no Gloria here! Only me, Mysterioso Von WhisperyPerson -
McGrath slides open a filing cabinet.
GLORIA
- uhhhh hi! Haha hi!
SKIP
Gloria what are you doing in the filing cabinet?
MACKENZIE
Wait. Are you, like, actually trying to compete with Skip on this assignment?
GLORIA
NO! I’m just...practicing the skills Jambo taught me!
BOWDEN
(muffled)
Can we get out of this cabinet now, love?
GLORIA
Oh, yes, sure, sorry Bo!
SKIP
Well, now that you’re here, we can all look through these approximately seven million receipts! I’ll take this batch, Bowden you take -
GLORIA
Um, hey Skip! I just happened to notice this blown-up action pic from Taylor Swift’s concert, and look!
MACKENZIE
Holy crap, is that Studebaker on stage with Taylor Swift?
BOWDEN
My god, is there no justice in this world?
SKIP
He looks like he somehow stumbled his way into becoming a hired dancer!
BOWDEN
But that means he could be anywhere along that tour! That’s dozens of cities. How do we find -
GLORIA
Shh!
(they listen)
Someone’s coming!
SKIP
Quick! Into the filing cabinets!
They all cram inside. The door opens and in walk -
QUINN
Clear.
CHET
Wow. Super disorganized office staff, they left the paperwork everywhere. Start the TerryScan.
Quinn pulls out a device and snaps pictures.
QUINN
Matching documents and pics against the social media space. Junk... cats...racism...here he is.
CHET
Bingo. Last seen at the tour’s end in Milwaukee!
A familiar “NYEH HEH!” from the hallway.
QUINN
Company!
CHET
Quick, under the desk!
They leap down under the desk. In comes:
ATHENA
Don’t get your grubby hands on anything.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Yes ma’am!
ATHENA
Surveillance tapes, surveillance tapes - is that Studebaker dancing?
TIMMY TWO-BIT
I believe so!
ATHENA
Guy just went up in my estimation.
She dials on her phone.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Who are you calling?
ATHENA (TO THE PHONE)
Tay-tay! Hey grrrl! You picked up a dancer who looks like Doc Brown in Kansas City?
(phone blabber)
You’re gonna tell me where he is or the world finds out about the other scarf.
(phone blabber)
Fired? Wonderful. Okay, love you. Bye!
(smooches, hangs up)
He got the boot in Detroit.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
We can get back to Dark EMF HQ, and be there in an hour!
ATHENA
Who’s in charge here?
TIMMY TWO-BIT
You are, mistress!
ATHENA
Good boy.
They go. Chet and Quinn stagger out from under the desk.
CHET
Detroit, huh?
QUINN
This all happened weeks ago. He could be anywhere.
CHET
Let’s follow ‘em back to HQ. Work it from there.
They go. Everyone falls gasping out of the filing cabinet.
SKIP
Oh my gosh!
BOWDEN
Chet, Quinn Corrino, Timmy Two-Bit-Thompson, and Ath-
MACKENZIE
Yeah. Her.
BOWDEN
I had wondered where she’d gotten to! Apparently, working for the Dark EMF!
SKIP
(quiet)
Are you all right, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
(not really)
I’m fine.
GLORIA
Did they all say they’re heading back to Dark EMF headquarters? In this city?
BOWDEN
But they also said they could be in Detroit in a hour? How is that possible?
SKIP
This could be the answer to all our problems! We’ll follow Chet and...everyone else...back to the Dark EMF!
MACKENZIE
Can’t wait to have a talk with Chet and...everyone else.
TRANISTION MUSIC!
A dark underground subway station. Footsteps echo.
CHET
Athena and Timmy must have gotten there ahead of us. Thanks, TerryCar.
QUINN
You know those idiots who were hiding in the filing cabinets are following us now. Right back to HQ.
CHET
(not even hiding the lie)
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
QUINN
Oh, so that’s how we’re playing it.
They descend into the subway. More footsteps follow them.
SKIP
(whispering)
They’re going into some kind of off-access sublevel.
GLORIA
(whispering)
Do you really think the Dark EMF headquarters is in Kansas City? Right where we happened to be looking for Doctor Studebaker?
BOWDEN
There they go!
SKIP
Oh jeez! All right, stay close and stay quiet!
They creep closer.
GLORIA
They’re climbing into some kind of pods...
BOWDEN
Look, there’s a whole line of them. I count ten.
MACKENZIE
They look like futuristic single-occupant elevators. Think they go down to the Dark EMF headquarters?
SKIP
There’s only one way to find out. Wait for it...
CHET (OFF)
Take us down, Terry.
HISS! The doors close -
SKIP
Now! They’re sealed in, get to those elevators!
They hustle over and seal themselves into the pods.
GLORIA
Everyone strapped in?
BOWDEN
Ready to go!
MACKENZIE
Skip...I’m only guessing these are elevators.
SKIP
They took Chet and Quinn somewhere, and we’re going to find out where!
MACKENZIE
Well suppose they went nowhere?
SKIP
Then this is your chance to WHAAAAA
The elevators PLUMMET!
And WHOOSH! They’re on...
INT. THE DARK EMF TRAIN
They groan as they stumble out of the elevators.
BOWDEN
Someone sell that ride to Six Flags Great Adventure.
SKIP
I gotta stop putting my keys in that pocket.
GLORIA
Where’s Chet and Quinn?
MACKENZIE
And everyone else?
SKIP
Oh! There’s a door here, maybe they...oh rats! It’s locked.
MACKENZIE
This place is creepy. It’s just a long hallway with doors.
SKIP
Our headquarters is just a long hallway with doors.
GLORIA
But this is dimmer. And cleaner? And somehow that’s worse?
MACKENZIE
It’s like a surgical theater.
BOWDEN
And what’s that noise?
SKIP
Are any of these other doors open?
(he tries)
Ah! Yes!
GLORIA
What’s in there?
MACKENZIE
Only one way to find out.
They creak open the door, and find...
WEIRD HYPNOTIC VOICE
You are feeling very sleepy. Very relaxed. You want to do good.
CHILD STAR
Do. Good.
LUCKY
Be. Good. Hurt no one.
GLORIA
Oh my god! It’s Felicity Warner, the Child Star assassin! And Lucky Lessmacher!
BOWDEN
This is that brainwashing chamber that Balthazar told us about!
LUCKY
Good old Balthazar. I miss him.
BOWDEN
Now I KNOW you’re brainwashed, lady.
MACKENZIE
It’s branded right here - TerryCorp Prisoner Rehabilitation Program.
SKIP
Reforming supervillains? That was MY idea! You’d expect a billionaire innovator to come up with his own ideas!
MACKENZIE
Aw. You’re such a lil’ cutie, Skip.
GLORIA
Skip! I hear someone coming!
MACKENZIE
What do we do?
SKIP
Oh good point
GLORIA
Oh no I’m sorry
GLORIA
I’m sorry Skip, you’re in command -
BOWDEN
Uh, guys?
MACKENZIE
Gotta make a decision here!
GLORIA
I think we should follow Skip -
SKIP
Gloria’s tactics are usually correct -
GLORIA
You’re the leader Skip we should definitely just -
MACKENZIE
TOO LATE
A door begins to SLIDE OPEN. Everyone SCRAMBLES.
DOORS SLAM. BUTTONS BEEP.
TRAIN
Departure in three...two...
SKIP
Wait who’s in the elevator -
GLORIA
It’s me Skip -
TRAIN
One...
FWOOP!
Gloria and Skip SCREAM as the elevator rushes them to the surface -
INT. MOVIE THEATER
- and dumps them out onto the floor.
GLORIA
Ohhh my head.
SKIP
I feel worse than I did after Moonshot Mountain. I’m just gonna lie down for a minute.
GLORIA
I wouldn’t. The floor feels like taffy.
SKIP
It’s an old abandoned movie theater! What happened to the subway station?
GLORIA
Where are Bowden and McGrath?
SKIP
I think they stayed behind in Dark EMF HQ!
GLORIA
Oh no!
SKIP
I’ll get them on comms. McGrath? Bowden? Come in!
(silence)
Nothing. Dark EMF HQ must be jamming our signal.
GLORIA
No it’s not - my comms says they’re out of range!
SKIP
What? How do you know that?
GLORIA
Oh, I dug it out of my ear and checked the microtransmitter status.
SKIP
But these transmitters are good up to a range of five miles! They can’t be five miles underground!
Gloria tries the elevators again - no dice.
GLORIA
The elevators don’t seem to work for us now that we’re not following Chet. Let’s get outside and get our bearings.
They do. The sounds of a busy street.
SKIP
Excuse me, citizen!
CITIZEN
Yes?
SKIP
Could you tell me where to find the nearest RideKC stop?
CITIZEN
Eh, the...what?
GLORIA
The subway.
CITIZEN
Oh, you mean the StarTran!
GLORIA
What? StarTran is the public transportation system in LINCOLN NEBRASKA!
CITIZEN
Right! This is Lincoln!
SKIP
We were in Kansas City just minutes ago! How could we be in Lincoln, Nebraska?
CITIZEN
That sounds like you drank the local moonshine. Good luck! See you later!
The Citizen walks away.
GLORIA
My god. The long hallways -
SKIP
The strange thrumming sound -
GLORIA
Dark EMF Headquarters...
BOTH
Is a TRAIN!
GLORIA
Some kind of mobile underground bullet train, capable of incredible speeds! We moved a hundred miles in five minutes!
SKIP
Gloria, we have to find a way back onto that train. As for Doctor Studebaker...let’s just hope no one finds him.
TRANSITION MUSIC.
INT. JOE’S KANSAS CITY BBQ - NIGHT
Studebaker stumbles into a BBQ joint somewhere in town.
STUDEBAKER
This joint feels weirdly familiar.
(to the room)
Does anyone know where I can find a place to get authentic barbecue in this town?
A bottle smashes against the wall by his head.
STUDEBAKER
Jeez! And I’d come back to Kansas City after my tour because I thought it was a friendly town.
DAVIN
Military tour?
STUDEBAKER
Nope, musical tour. Hi, have we met?
DAVIN
Would you remember if we had, Doctor?
STUDEBAKER
I’ve just had the oddest feeling today - right after I had a glass of ice water at a bar - that I was supposed to come here. I saw the billboard over the stadium that said “Eat At Joe’s” and I felt...compelled -
DESOTO
Didn’t they teach you never to drink the local water, Biff?
STUDEBAKER
Oh god! Jerry Seinfeld!
DESOTO
It’s Ted Desoto, but I expected nothing more from you, teach.
DAVIN
Mr. Desoto here dumped several hundred gallons of Thestride-9 into the Kansas City water main. Harmless to the general population -
DESOTO
But paired with the lingering remnants of the Psychlide I dosed you up with late last year have rendered you incredibly suggestible. Even to billboards!
STUDEBAKER
Get away from me -
DAVIN
Stop moving.
STUDEBAKER
Yes master.
DAVIN
Don’t speak.
STUDEBAKER
Mmmm.
DAVIN
Now come with us, Doctor. We have to have a discussion.
STUDEBAKER
Mmmm?
DAVIN
I mean we’ll talk to you ugghhhh just never mind let’s go.
STUDEBAKER
Mmm mmm mmm mm mmm.
TRANSITION MUSIC!
INT. THE DARK EMF TRAIN
McGrath tries to hack the train door.
BOWDEN
A train? Are you sure?
MACKENZIE
A couple years back there was this failed bullet train project between TerryCorp and the government.
BOWDEN
And we’re stuck in one of its passenger cars.
MACKENZIE
The doors are fingerprint and voice locked. I can override the code, but these goddamn TerryCorp chips will sound the alarm -
BOWDEN
(as Davin)
Computer? Let us in, please.
TRAIN
Welcome. Mister Ford.
The door slides open.
BOWDEN
TerryCorp Voice Recognition: simple, convenient, stupid.
MACKENZIE
I don’t say it often, but thank god for you, Bowden.
They move to the next car.
BOWDEN
Looks like we’re clear for the...arcade car?
Bloops and bleeps and froggers.
MACKENZIE
The prototype for this luxury train was supposed to be about a hundred cars long. I hate to say it, but we should probably split up.
BOWDEN
How are you going to move through the train without my voice?
MACKENZIE
(she pulls out some gear)
I’ll whip up an electric key using your voice print. Just talk.
BOWDEN
Must I do Davin? Because that voice leaves a terrible taste in my mouth.
MACKENZIE
Fine, I’ll modulate your weird chameleon voice, just say stuff.
BOWDEN
Like what?
MACKENZIE
You literally never shut up about yourself! Go on, tell me what’s happening in the star-studded Hollywood life of Bowden Montcrief.
BOWDEN
...I asked Gloria to marry me.
MACKENZIE
Get out! You sly son of a bitch! What did she say?
BOWDEN
You know, it’s been hectic for her. She hasn’t really had a chance to process it yet.
MACKENZIE
She didn’t say yes?
BOWDEN
I’m not worried. We have all the time in the world.
MACKENZIE
You lucky dog.
(bing)
All right, that’ll do.
BOWDEN
Right. You go to the front, I’ll go towards the rear.
MACKENZIE
That’s a plan.
(just as he starts to go)
Oh and um...I know this is the worst timing imaginable but you really have to know that, um, if you run into Athena, she might say...stuff about me. Because I -
BOWDEN
Oh because of what happened between the two of you at prom?
MACKENZIE
I told Gloria not to tell you!
BOWDEN
Oh she didn’t. I saw you from the bleachers.
MACKENZIE
WHAT?!? You knew this whole time?
BOWDEN
Yes.
MACKENZIE
And you didn’t say anything?
BOWDEN
I thought you preferred not to talk about personal things, so I respected that. Are you...okay?
MACKENZIE
Yeah it’s been a roller coaster but I’ve learned that YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’VE SAID ENOUGH JUST GET GOING.
BOWDEN
Ten four.
He runs off. McGrath huffs and moves on.
TRAIN TRANSITION
Mackenzie continues to make her way through the train.
MACKENZIE
Disco parlor...way to mix centuries, Terry. All right, so far, no one on board...
She opens another door. And freezes.
ATHENA
Oh! Well this is awkward.
McGrath SLAPS Athena. She recovers.
ATHENA
Not sure I deserved that. The jailbreak wasn’t my fault you know -
MACKENZIE
I know. I thought you were in a cage or dead or something.
ATHENA
They did put me in a cage!
MACKENZIE
Then why are you working with them?
ATHENA
Look...please just get off at the next station, and go to Peoria or wherever. And in a week, I promise I will come get you and explain everything.
MACKENZIE
Explain it now.
ATHENA
...c’mere.
MACKENZIE
No.
ATHENA
I missed you.
MACKENZIE
I -
ATHENA
Come close.
MACKENZIE
I hate you.
Athena gets up close. Close breathing.
ATHENA
(whispering in her ear)
Can you hear this?
MACKENZIE
(whispering)
Yes.
ATHENA
I. Don’t. Care about Millionaire.
MACKENZIE
Bullshit.
ATHENA
He hears everything. He’s got chips in everything. On this train. In EMF headquarters. He hears what you say. He knew about you and me.
MACKENZIE
...he saw us in the jail?
ATHENA
If I kill him, someone else kills you.
MACKENZIE
What do you care?
ATHENA
...you’re not gonna make me say it, are you?
MACKENZIE
So you expect me to believe you just gave up?
ATHENA
No! What if I told you I had a plan to destroy both EMFs? No more secret all-powerful non-accountable agencies?
MACKENZIE
I...
ATHENA
And then you’d be safe, I’d be safe, and we could go off and have fun adventures together. You and me. Don’t you want to be with me?
MACKENZIE
...yes.
ATHENA
You told me you’d burn it all down the day I handed you the matches. Today can be that day.
MACKENZIE
.......I can’t. It’s not the day.
Mackenzie steps away.
ATHENA
...you brainwashed stooge.
MACKENZIE
What?
ATHENA
Zelda Anders and Skip Granger and the whole lot of them have brainwashed you just like Terry’s two-cent hypnoray.
MACKENZIE
No.
ATHENA
I was in a cage for months, where were you? You didn’t come save me, and I can’t save you. You don’t even know who you are. And I know exactly who I am.
She steps into a pod and pushes the button.
TRAIN
Departure in three...two...one...
ATHENA
I thought you were different. See ya never.
TRAIN
Goodbye.
FWOOP! She’s gone.
McGrath rages quietly.
Then RAGE SCREAMS.
And then DESOTO STABS HER IN THE NECK WITH A SYRINGE!
MACKENZIE
Desoto...you slippery son of a bitch...
DESOTO
I find the best cure for a broken heart, my dear...is medication!
McGrath passes out. Desoto LAUGHS.
TRAIN TRANSITION!
Bowden creeps through the train.
BOWDEN
(Davin’s voice)
Computer! Open door.
TRAIN
Have a nice day, Mister Ford.
Bowden slinks through another train car.
BOWDEN
(to himself)
I wonder if maybe the Dark EMF hired Jeff Bridges at some point.
(Davin)
Computer!
TRAIN
Have a nice day, Mister Ford.
Bowden enters the last car. The hum of servers.
BOWDEN
(quietly, to himself)
Great, more computers. McGrath would have a field day. This looks like the last car.
DAVIN
(behind him)
I understand they call it the caboose.
BOWDEN
Ford!
DAVIN
Computer, close and lock door.
TRAIN
Acknowledged, Mister Ford.
Bowden leaps at him, but RUNS INTO THE DOOR AS IT CLOSES!
BOWDEN
OW!
DAVIN
Enable lockdown of car one hundred and shut down its voice commands.
TRAIN
Acknowledged, Mister Ford.
Davin walks away.
BOWDEN
Nonono! Computer!
(in various voices - Davin, Chet, Athena)
Override! Override! Override!
DAVIN
Don’t go anywhere, Mister Montcrief.
BOWDEN
(as himself)
DAMMIT. FOOOORD!
Bowden bangs on the door as Ford leaves him trapped.
TRANSITION MUSIC
EXT. WHITMIRE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Secretary Whitmire opens the bar.
ZELDA
I’m sorry to bother you at such a late hour, Mister Secretary -
WHITMIRE
If you’re having a nightcap at my house, Zelda, call me Eustace.
ZELDA
I...I couldn’t possibly.
WHITMIRE
You take your vermouth straight or with a splash of Dewars?
ZELDA
Mister Whitmire, we have a situation with one of your contracted organizations.
WHITMIRE
I take it you mean the one they are colloquially referring to as the “Dark EMF”.
ZELDA
I really wish Bowden hadn’t coined that phrase.
WHITMIRE
Bitter?
ZELDA
No! Just because you’re threatening to shut us down in favor of them -
WHITMIRE
I, eh, meant in your vermouth.
ZELDA
Oh. No thank you.
WHITMIRE
Suit yourself.
ZELDA
I mean, just because...Chet... jumped ship for them over us -
WHITMIRE
“Jumped ship”? Not “you sent him to infiltrate their organization”?
ZELDA
Wh...what...you’ve been listening in on us the whole time.
WHITMIRE
Terry Millionaire gave the DoD a very nice deal on a surveillance package.
ZELDA
Why didn’t you try to stop us?
WHITMIRE
(laughs)
Why should I? I have no dog in this fight, Zelda. I want a strong, clandestine force that can retrieve superior technology and do it at cost. If this Dark EMF can do that better than your organization, so be it. And if you can get the better of them...well, then they don’t deserve the job. So it’s a perfect test.
ZELDA
A test? That’s all this is to you? You put lives in danger!
WHITMIRE
That’s our job, Zelda. Wake up and smell the chloroform.
ZELDA
This escalating conflict has now led to their attempted kidnapping of one of our scientists!
WHITMIRE
You’re getting squeamish there, Zelda. This is the game, you’re supposed to fight dirty.
ZELDA
So you’re not going to order them to call off this insane hunt for Doctor Studebaker?
WHITMIRE
I see it as aggressive headhunting.
ZELDA
Then have the decency to tell me where Studebaker is.
WHITMIRE
What makes you so sure I know?
ZELDA
Because you’ve got both Terry Millionaire’s surveillance apparatus and ours at your disposal.
WHITMIRE
(chuckles)
Okay, you got me. Yes, I know where Studebaker is.
Athena bursts into the room!
ATHENA
Just what I wanted to hear.
WHITMIRE
ATHENA O’BRIEN?
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Nyeh heh!
Timmy shoots Zelda and Whitmire with a GOO GUN!
WHITMIRE
Ew, gross!
ZELDA
What is this stuff...some kind of glue -
TIMMY TWO-BIT
You’ve fallen prey to my patented goo gun! Your arms and legs are now stuck together and useless!
ATHENA
I’m tired of hunting all over the country for Studebaker. So we went right to the head honchos.
WHITMIRE
How did you escape?
ATHENA
Oh, your surveillance didn’t tell you? Chetty Wetty let me out. I’m guessing that one was Zelda’s brainstorm.
WHITMIRE
What the -
ATHENA
Enough chit chat. Timmy!
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Yes ma’am!
WHITMIRE
You MMMPH!
Timmy SHOOTS WHITMIRE is the FACE!
ZELDA
You evil MMPH!
Timmy SHOOTS ZELDA! They struggle to speak over the goo!
ATHENA
We’re taking you back to Dark EMF headquarters. I can show you to your new cell, Zelda. Maybe I’ll put an explosive in your head. Grab ‘em, Timmy.
He grabs them, gooping his hands.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Nyaah hah...egggh.
TRANSITION MUSIC!
INT. MOVIE THEATER
The elevators WHOOSH into the theater.
QUINN
All out for Lincoln, Nebraska.
CHET
(too loud)
Heads up, Quinn. Doctor Studebaker might be hiding around any corner -
Skip and Gloria jump out and surround them.
SKIP
Stop right there, traitor!
QUINN
(unenthusiastically playacting)
Oh no it’s Skip Granger and Gloria Kovak whatever are you doing here.
GLORIA
You’re going to take us back down to your Dark EMF headquarters, Phillips! Or else!
CHET
(more enthusiastically playacting)
Damn you, Granger! Forcing us to show you the way into Dark EMF headquarters! Well, you win. I -
(his phone rings)
Uhhhh hang on everybody I gotta take this.
GLORIA
Are you kidding me?
CHET
(picks up phone)
Uh hi...boss. Not a great time, what’s up?
ATHENA (OVER THE PHONE)
The boss is out for the moment, may I take a message?
CHET
What are you doing? Where’s Zelda?
SKIP
Zelda?
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
Zelda’s in a big burlap sack with Whitmire. They never go out of style, burlap sacks.
CHET
What are you doing?!? You’re going after the EMF instead of Millionaire’s operation?
ATHENA
Why not both?
GLORIA
Who’s going after the EMF?
CHET
You little -
ATHENA
Hold please -
CHET
Athena? ATHENA?!?
She’s put on hold music.
GLORIA
What is going on, Phillips?
Chet hangs up.
CHET
...Athena kidnapped Zelda and Whitmire. So we have to all put our differences aside and stop her.
SKIP
How long have you been in contact with Zelda? And Athena?
CHET
I swear to you, Skip, she was locked up in Dark EMF HQ until a week ago.
GLORIA
How did she escape?
CHET
I -
He stops short, but it’s too late.
QUINN
So Ford was right. You were the one who set O’Brien free.
CHET
...yes.
QUINN
You, or the other guy?
CHET
Me.
Beat.
QUINN
I quit.
She starts walking away.
CHET
Wait, Quinn -
QUINN
I TRUSTED YOU. AGAIN.
SKIP
Quinn, please!
GLORIA
We’re going to need all the backup we can get to -
QUINN
I am done with every last one of you triple-agents. Tell Terry to cut me my last check.
CHET
Quinn!
But she’s gone. Chet ROARS in frustration.
GLORIA
How do we get to Athena?
CHET
We get back on the train and wait for her.
GLORIA
Great, let’s go.
CHET
We missed our window. Now we have to wait two hours until it loops back around again.
Skip storms off.
GLORIA
Skip where are you going -
SKIP
To get Quinn back.
He storms out of the movie theater and onto the street.
SKIP
Agent Corrino!
QUINN
You got sixty seconds until the bus comes.
SKIP
You owe it to us to go back and destroy the Dark EMF!
QUINN
Why?
SKIP
Why?!? You can explain to me, Agent Corrino, why you chose to sell out your country and your teammates!
QUINN
Did I?
SKIP
Yes!
QUINN
The Secretary of Defense paid me to save the world. Same as you.
SKIP
No no no! You and I did very different things!
QUINN
How?
SKIP
I...you worked with a company behind...closed doors, hidden away from the public...okay maybe that’s not the point. WE are a government agency!...admittedly only known to a very small number of unelected intelligence community members, but...I work for the government.
QUINN
Mm hm.
SKIP
You worked for an unholy alliance between the government and a shadowy private corporate entity! You were chasing the almighty dollar!
QUINN
The EMF doesn’t pay you?
SKIP
Not...well!
QUINN
Maybe you need career counseling.
SKIP
As a civil servant, I am in a position to act on behalf of the people and speak directly to the powers-that-be!
QUINN
And do those powers listen to you?
SKIP
...
QUINN
Granger, you’re part of a machine that you have no influence over. What matters is the effect you have on the world, not who you work for.
The bus pulls up.
QUINN
Tell Kovak good luck.
Quinn boards, and the bus pulls away.
QUICK TRANSITION
Chet and Gloria wait in the movie theater.
CHET
I’m sorry this is the way it went down, Kovak.
GLORIA
Well...I guess it’s working out for me.
CHET
Why?
GLORIA
They’re giving me your old job.
CHET
Really?...You’ll be amazing at that.
GLORIA
I don’t know.
CHET
Hey, the first time we met, you kicked the tar out of me, remember?
GLORIA
That was a long time ago.
(beat)
Why did you defect to these ghouls?
CHET
...I was a danger to the team and I thought I could do better here.
GLORIA
Why?
CHET
...I’ve got a voice in my head.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Oh, admitting it now, are we?
GLORIA
What do you mean?
CHET
It was the Model Z. It put an Admiral personality in my head.
GLORIA
Oh my god, Chet!
CHET
It’s been tough, but...we’ve made it work.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Besties forever!
GLORIA
I had no idea. Wait - is that what Quinn meant by “the other guy”?
CHET
Yes, she knew. So does Zelda. And now you do. Can you keep a secret?
GLORIA
Apparently, I can.
CHET
Thanks.
Skip steps back in.
SKIP
Quinn’s not coming.
CHET
...okay. We’ll make do. Just gotta wait for the next train.
TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. DARK EMF HQ - NO DEFINITE TIME
SCHOOMP! The sound of the train.
ATHENA
All aboard! Timmy.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Nyeh!
ATHENA
Zelda.
ZELDA
Mmph!
ATHENA
Eustace.
WHITMIRE
Awwgddlrrd!
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Don’t worry, folks, that goo should dissolve in an hour or so!
ATHENA
Let’s get you nice and comfy in the hypnomachines. You’ll spill your guts about Studebaker in -
STUDEBAKER
Oh my god, it’s Goldie Hawn!
ATHENA
What...?
DAVIN
Why, good evening, Miss O’Brien. Mister Secretary. Section Chief.
ELLIE MAE
My goodness, Miss O’Brien! You’ve been a busy little bee!
DESOTO
It’s too bad that you’re too late.!
ATHENA
Aw crap. So I guess you’ve called Millionaire to claim the top job, huh, Ford? Of course, he’s got this whole train bugged, so I’m sure he already knows. Right Terry?
(nothing)
Terry? You gonna reprimand me for kidnapping your business partner Terry?
(nothing)
Well Terry’s always listening. So if he’s not...that means Ford turned off the train communications ...which means...
DAVIN
Time to pick a side, Timmy.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Nyeh heh!
ATHENA
Son of a -
They all BUM RUSH HER. The SNICKER of a NEEDLE.
ATHENA
Gah! Desoto, you maniac, you stabbed me in the neck!
DESOTO
Just a little cocktail to keep you warm and drowsy! Like your girlfriend!
ATHENA
I will straight up murder you if -
ELLIE MAE
Hee hee hee! Get her!
But she’s fading. They BEAT her mercilessly!
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Apologies, Mistress O’Brien!
ATHENA
I’ll kill all of you!
Desoto STUFFS her into a TRANSPORT POD!
ELLIE MAE
Bye Athena!
DAVIN
You did warn me that no cage could hold you, Miss O’Brien. So let’s try giving you lots of space.
Davin PUSHES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.
Athena is SHUNTED UPWARDS VIOLENTLY -
- the door POPS OPEN -
- and Athena finds herself flung out into
A HOWLING WINTER STORM
Athena splutters in the snow, freezing to death and starting to hallucinate.
ATHENA
Gah where is this station? Uggh it’s like ten feet of snow? How far-
She RUNS INTO a METAL SIGN.
ATHENA
Estcourt Station...MAINE? FORD! LET ME BACK IN I’LL KILL YOU! FORD! FOOOOORD!
The howling wind drowns out her cries.
INT. THE MOVIE THEATER
Silence. Then:
TRAIN
Train approaching.
CHET
Into the elevators, people. Now there’s no telling where on the train it’ll drop us, so be prepared.
Beat.
GLORIA
Skip, are you okay?
SKIP
Yep.
GLORIA
...I -
CHET
Here we go!
FWOOMP! And they’re all inside...
INT. DARK EMF HQ
Rough landing.
GLORIA
Okay, Skip. What now?
SKIP
We’re looking for McGrath and Bowden. And Davin. And Athena. And Zelda. And Whitmire. And the lost prisoners.
(beat)
That’s a lot of things.
CHET
We’ll have to split up. Computer?
TRAIN
Hello Chet!
CHET
Grant voice access privileges.
TRAIN
Speak to grant access.
CHET
(quietly)
Say something.
SKIP
Oh, uh, rutebaga!
GLORIA
Who bit first!
TRAIN
Voices accepted.
GLORIA
Rutebaga?
SKIP
What was “who bit first”?
GLORIA
It was the first thing in my head, Bowden’s been rehearsing the Abbott and Costello film in the apartment for months and I just -
CHET
I think we’re good.
GLORIA
Oh.
SKIP
Gloria, head for the rear of the train. Chet and I will take the front.
GLORIA
Okay, Skip. You sure you’ll be all right with...
SKIP
I’m sure.
GLORIA
All right. You’re in charge.
She goes.
SKIP
Don’t try anything funny, Phillips!
CHET
Wouldn’t dream of it, Skip.
TRAIN TRANSITION
Chet and Skip creep forward along the train cars.
SKIP
A jacuzzi car? A whole car full of jacuzzis? Jacuzzai? What’s the plural of jacuzzi? Should it be jacuzzus? Do you have to know that to join the Dark EMF?
CHET
It wasn’t on the written exam.
SKIP
I can’t believe you were a part of this.
CHET
You should be happy to get rid of me. Now Gloria can take my job.
SKIP
...what?
CHET
You...she told you that, right?
SKIP
...Zelda is promoting Gloria...over me?
CHET
I’m sorry, I didn’t know, can we table this discussion before the real bad guys find us?
DESOTO
Would you believe...too late?
The door opens, and Skip and Chet are suddenly surrounded!
SKIP
Ted Desoto?!? And Timmy Thompson?!?
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Nyeh heh!
Zelda and Whitmire MUMBLE!
SKIP
And Zelda?!? And Secretary Whitmire?!? And...
(gasps)
McGrath!
MACKENZIE
Skip!
DOCTOR
Oh thank god! It’s Austin Pendleton here to save me!
ELLIE MAE
I assume you’re referring to Skippy Poo here, Doctor.
SKIP
And ELLIE MAE?!?
ELLIE MAE
Hi Skip!
DESOTO
Yes, welcome to the Dark EMF, Agent Granger! The gang’s all here!
CHET
By my count, we’re at least one asshole short.
DAVIN
Right behind you.
CHET
What the -
MACKENZIE
Look out Skip!
They turn - and DAVIN SHOCKS them with TASERS!
DAVIN
Pick ‘em up.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Yes sir!
MACKENZIE
Where’s...Athena...you prick?
DAVIN
Freezing to death a thousand miles away. Hope you didn’t have a date to keep.
CHET
Ford you snake!
DAVIN
(to his troops)
Tie up Granger with McGrath, but leave my soon-to-be-ex-colleague...with me.
ELLIE MAE
C’mon, Skippy Poo.
Skip groans and fights, but they drag him away.
SKIP
McGrath...Studebaker, what is this device? Did he make you build this?
DAVIN
Terry wanted to build a better rehabilitation device. You should appreciate that, Mister Granger. We’ll no longer need this hypnowhatsit -
He trots out the hypnodevice control panel.
WEIRD VOICE
You want to do good. You want to...wait! Father, noooooo
Davin pulls the plug. It goes offline forever.
DAVIN
I’m not your father, Terry bought you from Etsy.
(to Skip)
No more rehabilitation, Skip. Replacement is the future. Bring over the Secretary of Defense!
Whitmire struggles as they bring him over.
MACKENZIE
That machine...that’s Genesis! That’s not a brainwasher!
It builds false personalities and inserts them into media clips!
DAVIN
That’s Stage One. But now...
DESOTO
We can prime a subject’s brain with thestrides and psychlides...
ELLIE MAE
...clone that subject courtesy of Underground Immortals technology...
STUDEBAKER
...and they’ve built a laser using a supply of petrasil!
SKIP
The petrasil from South Carolina?!?
STUDEBAKER
Yes, Kermit! They’ve forced me to program their new mind transfer ray-
DAVIN
- to download the mind of the target individual, store it digitally, alter it as we see fit -
ELLIE MAE
- put the new compliant persona into a clone body and return it to the public! Starting with Mister Secretary here!
WHITMIRE
(under goo)
Awwnnno!
SKIP
It’ll never work! People will know he’s acting strangely!
DAVIN
They won’t have any video evidence of that, once we use Genesis to rewrite every interview he’s ever done. People’s minds are...pliant. Squishy, you might say.
The LASER WHINES. WHITMIRE STRUGGLES.
WHITMIRE
(under goo)
I’m laser intolerant!
CHET
Ford...you’ve kidnapped the Secretary of Defense. Terry’s business partner. You really think he’s gonna overlook that?
DAVIN
Oh ho ho, Mister Phillips, do you really think I’m still working for the Dark EMF?
CHET
...oh shit.
DAVIN
Ms. Sederstrom brought her employer to my attention. He prefers to remain anonymous, but he’s promised everyone in this room a generous employment package.
CHET
You absolute jackals. You had a good thing going here and you threw it away for more money.
Davin CRACKS CHET IN THE JAW.
SKIP
Chet!
DAVIN
I THREW IT AWAY BECAUSE OF YOU. This was a good thing, until Zelda Anders sent you to infiltrate us and you ruined everything!
SKIP
WHAT?!?
DAVIN
I tried to tell Terry you were up to no good! You freed Athena O’Brien! So yes, I’ve abandoned this company, but first - thanks to YOU - it abandoned me.
CHET
So you sold out to the highest bidder.
DAVIN
That’s business, my friend.
ELLIE MAE
And Mr. Humboldt will be very pleased to hear that Chet Phillips -
CHET
WHAT DID YOU SAY? You’re working for a man named Humboldt?
ELLIE MAE
Not for. Humboldt is our contact. He works for our anonymous employer.
CHET
...no.
A whirlwind in Chet’s mind:
FLASHBACK
ADMIRAL (FLASHBACK - 405)
...I’m sure I know this Humboldt...
CHET (FLASHBACK - 402)
...I’m hearing voices...
ADMIRAL (FLASHBACK - 404)
...what a fascinating development!
CHET (FLASHBACK - 402)
...I’m not myself, I can’t sleep, the nights I do, I wake up somewhere different...
ADMIRAL (FLASHBACK - 405)
...Chet I wouldn’t open it if I were you...and I am...
CHET (FLASHBACK - 407)
...you’re in my mind, but you can’t read my mind...
ADMIRAL (FLASHBACK - 407)
...we could be partners!
CHET (FLASHBACK - 407)
...you gonna behave, Admiral?
ADMIRAL (FLASHBACK - 407)
Absolutely!
ADMIRAL (FLASHBACK - 405)
After all, Chet old boy...I need you alive.
PRESENT
Chet stumbles, breathing heavily.
CHET
You son of a bitch.
ELLIE MAE
What’s wrong with him?
DESOTO
Looks like he’s having a panic attack. May I offer you a sedative, Phillips?
SKIP
Chet, what’s wrong?
CHET
Ford listen to me. We have to get off the train. Now!
DAVIN
Why, whatever for?
CHET
Because I know who you’re working for! He set this all in motion! To get us here for one purpose!
DAVIN
Even we don’t know our employer’s identity, Chet. How could you?
CHET
Because you’re working for...ME!
The Admiral LAUGHS!
SKIP
What?
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
As the proverb goes, Chet. The left hand knows not -
Chet grunts in surprise as his HAND REACHES UP -
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
- what the right hand is doing!
DESOTO
No no NO DON’T PULL THE EMERGENCY BRAKE!
CHET
NO!
Chet YANKS THE BRAKE!
EVERYONE is FLUNG ACROSS THE CAR! The train SQUEALS!
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Hang on, Chet! Hand off the brake! Back to top speed!
(the train speeds up again)
Now WALK!
CHET
I won’t!
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
I think you will!
Chet grunts as the Admiral FORCES HIM TO WALK!
CHET
You’ve been spinning your web, using my body when I’m asleep or not paying attention!
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
That’s right, out you go, Mister Secretary!
CHET
Grrrgh
Chet SHOVES WHITMIRE OUT OF THE MACHINE.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Sit down!
(he does)
Pick up the transceiver!
CHET
NO.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
PICK IT UP.
Chet RESISTS!
CHET
I’m not letting you upload yourself to a new body!
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
But this is what you always wanted, Chet! Just tap the receiver to your forehead, the laser will activate, and I will leave your brain!
CHET
So you can control this device and try to take over the world again!
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
I’ll do this with or without you, Chet. Or perhaps...I’ll upload the both of us into my new body! Then you can enjoy the experience of being a powerless, disembodied voice in someone else’s head!
CHET
NOOOO
The laser hits Chet’s forehead, and he CRIES OUT!
In the corner of the train car, Skip and McGrath sit up groggily.
SKIP
McGrath...what’s happening?
MACKENZIE
Chet’s got some kind of rogue personality in his head...it’s uploading itself to the Genesis device...
SKIP
It’ll have access to the train, the Genesis device, and all of TerryCorps’ global computer systems! We have to stop it! Come on -
Davin GRABS THEM!
DAVIN
Nope. We have to run.
I need hostages. And you’re it!
MACKENZIE
Get off us!
SKIP
No...help! Gloria!
Skip’s cry echoes through the train...
TRAIN TRANSITION
Gloria stumbles through the last cars of the train.
GLORIA
What is going on out here?
ADMIRAL (OVER THE PA)
The power! The absolute power!
GLORIA
Oh my god. Chet. What did you do? Bowden! Where are you? Bowden?
She runs back to the last car.
GLORIA
Bowden - oh my god!
BOWDEN
(though the door)
Hi sweetheart.
Gloria activates the train comm.
GLORIA
What happened?
BOWDEN (ON TRAIN COMM)
Davin Ford. He locked me in and shut down the voice commands.
GLORIA
What’s in there?
BOWDEN (ON TRAIN COMM)
Uh...a lot of computers?
GLORIA
It must be the security array. Don’t worry, it’s probably the safest place on this train to be.
A KLAXON WHOOPS!
TRAIN
Caboose car will destruct in two minutes.
GLORIA
WHAT?!?
TRAIN TRANSITION
Chet struggles against the LASER DEVICE!
DESOTO
Ughhh...Phillips! What’s happening to him?
ELLIE MAE
It looks like he’s connecting his brain to Genesis!
ADMIRAL (OVER THE PA)
Hello all! I have just set this train’s security servers to overload! This sequence is now irreversible! My loyal employees will be spared, so please decide if you wish to remain in my employ!
Beat.
ELLIE MAE
Yeah I’m in.
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Sounds good.
DESOTO
Way to go, boss!
CHET
You absolute basket of vipers!
ADMIRAL (ON PA)
Calm yourself, Chet! It will all be over very soon!
The Admiral’s laughter RINGS through the TRAIN...
TRAIN TRANSITION
Gloria struggles to open the door.
GLORIA
It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ll get you out -
TRAIN
Warning. All locks permanently engaged. Security corruption in one minute thirty seconds.
BOWDEN (ON TRAIN COMM)
Is that what I think it is?
GLORIA
Yup. It’s the Admiral’s personality ...about to seize the world’s most powerful surveillance system.
BOWDEN (ON TRAIN COMM)
In one minute.
GLORIA
Yes.
BOWDEN (ON TRAIN COMM)
And thirty seconds afterwards this car detonates, the train security goes down, and he spreads across the globe.
GLORIA
Yes so PLEASE BOWDEN let me think. How am I going to get you out of there?
BOWDEN (ON TRAIN COMM)
...Gloria?
GLORIA
Okay I can trust Skip. Maybe he can handle the Admiral while I focus on-
BOWDEN (ON TRAIN COMM)
Gloria.
GLORIA
BOWDEN PLEASE I CAN DO THIS. I have to get the door open, Mackenzie showed me a few tricks, maybe I can try -
BOWDEN (ON TRAIN COMM)
Gloria you have to go stop the Admiral!
GLORIA
If I don’t get this lock open in eighty seconds YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
BOWDEN (ON TRAIN COMM)
Agent Kovak.
Gloria’s breath catches in her throat.
BOWDEN (ON TRAIN COMM)
I love you. But you have to go save the world. You have to let me go. There isn’t any more time. You can’t do both things.
GLORIA
Maybe you’re right.....but let’s see what I can do.
And she RUNS.
TRAIN
Forty five seconds to security breach.
Gloria BREAKS emergency glass.
Picks up a FIRE AXE.
DESTROYS the train door.
TRAIN
Welcome to the motorcycle hangar. Have a nice day -
She jumps on a motorcycle and leaves the VOICE IN THE DUST.
Crashes through the SECOND DOOR.
The THIRD DOOR.
ALL THE DOORS.
TRAIN
Thirty seconds to security breach.
Gloria BURSTS into the room full of villains and SPIN JUMPS OFF HER MOTORCYCLE!
ELLIE MAE
Why Miss Kovak! I -
Gloria PUNCHES ELLIE MAE IN THE FACE.
DESOTO
Ow! Punched right in the face -
She KNEES DESOTO IN THE CROTCH!
TIMMY TWO-BIT
Nyah heh AAAH -
DOWN HE GOES.
TRAIN
Security measures engaged -
A MACHINE GUN fires on her! She dodges, chops it, DESTROYING IT!
TRAIN
TerryGun destroyed.
CHET
(weak)
Gloria. He’s putting himself into the computer -
TRAIN
Fifteen seconds to security breach.
GLORIA
Desoto! Give me the override!
DESOTO
...I won’t -
Gloria CRACKS HIS WRIST.
DESOTO
The command console! The password is TERRYROCKS69!
She TOSSES HIM ASIDE.
TRAIN
Five seconds to security breach. Four. Three.
GLORIA TYPES.
ADMIRAL
YES!
TRAIN
Two.
GLORIA
Goodbye Admiral.
TRAIN
One - connection lost.
ADMIRAL
NOOOOOOO
The ADMIRAL IS GONE!
TRAIN
Caboose car will destruct in thirty seconds.
Gloria WRENCHES THE LASER OFF ITS HINGES!
TRAIN
TerryLaser disconnected.
STUDEBAKER
My poor laser! Where are you taking it?
LASER MONITOR
Petrasil saturation at ten percent.
GLORIA
Petrasil?
(grabs Studebaker)
WHERE DO THEY KEEP THE PETRASIL?
STUDEBAKER
Here! Take it! Take it all! Take my wallet too! Just don’t hurt me!
Gloria swipes the petrasil! She RIPS the blobs of GOO off of ZELDA and WHITMIRE!
WHITMIRE
Owie ow!
ZELDA
Well done Agent Kovak where are you going -
She KICKS THE MOTORCYCLE INTO GEAR.
Back through all the cars.
TRAIN
Detonation in ten seconds.
Gloria OVERLOADS the laser with petrasil!
LASER MONITOR
Petrasil saturation at one hundred per - two - three - four - five hundred percent.
Gloria reaches Bowden. CRASHES THE BIKE.
BOWDEN
Gloria! What are you doing with that laser?!?
GLORIA
Shield your eyes!
She TURNS ON THE LASER and BURNS THROUGH THE WALLS OF THE TRAIN.
LASER MONITOR
Overload. Overload.
BOWDEN
You’re cutting the caboose...loose!
GLORIA
I know, but not the door! Hold onto the door!
BOWDEN
The train car! It’s coming off!
She powers down the laser.
GLORIA
HANG ON!
She KICKS THE WALL.
The ENTIRE TRAIN CAR COMES APART, LEAVING THE DOOR BEHIND, WITH BOWDEN HANGING ON.
BOWDEN
Aaaah! Hold onto me!
GLORIA
I got you! I got you!
The train LEAVES THE CABOOSE CAR BEHIND...
TRAIN
Have a nice day...
A TREMENDOUS EXPLOSION ROCKS THE TUNNEL, BLOWING GLORIA AND BOWDEN BACKWARDS INTO THE TRAIN.
Ragged breathing.
GLORIA
Bowden, are you okay?
BOWDEN
I can’t believe you actually did that.
GLORIA
...I don’t believe in the no-win scenario.
They KISS.
We pass through the roaring train to the...
FRONT CAR
Davin drags Skip and McGrath to the very front of the train.
DAVIN
C’mon! Git! Git up! C’mere!
MACKENZIE
Tough luck, Ford. Front of the train, nowhere left to run.
DAVIN
Au contraire, Ms. McGrath.
He pops a hatch! The roaring of the tunnel!
DAVIN
There are several emergency exits.
MACKENZIE
We’re going Mach 3! You think you’re gonna get out the emergency exit dragging two hostages?
DAVIN
Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t clear. ONE of you is a hostage. I’m going to THROW the other one out onto the rapid track. Your death will instigate an emergency slow down and stop, and allow me to escape on foot.
SKIP
You’re a monster.
MACKENZIE
Don’t make him bigger than he is, Skip. He’s just another criminal.
DAVIN
I am a certain class of criminal, Ms. McGrath. Unlike you, unlike Ms. O’Brien, unlike much of the scum of humanity that call themselves criminals. I am, in every way, your superior.
ATHENA
And I -
PUNCH
ATHENA
Am yours.
DAVIN
(gun click)
Why Athena! How?
ATHENA
Had to fight a couple of wolves off with my bare hands. Good story. Tell you about it sometime.
DAVIN
Well you made it back just in time! Terry’s train security has been destroyed, and I’ve got hostages and a backdoor to upload his systems to an offsite server! Everything you ever wanted... partner!
ATHENA
And I should trust you, why?
DAVIN
Because I’ll let you get the girl, and I’ll throw Skip Granger from the train!
MACKENZIE
I’D KILL YOU BOTH.
DAVIN
Not after we put you through the hypnoray, Ms. McGrath!
MACKENZIE
No!
ATHENA
Ugh, no, gross, I’m not turning her into some drooling servant -
DAVIN
Oh, no no no, of course not! You’re, uh...restoring the factory settings!
ATHENA
What?
DAVIN
She told you she hates what she’s become! So wake her up! Let her hate the EMF again, let her be who she used to be, let her be happy!
ATHENA
...fine. Let me kill Granger.
Skip struggles in Davin’s grasp!
MACKENZIE
NO!
DAVIN
Here he is. Nice and easy. I’ll keep Ms. McGrath at gunpoint.
ATHENA
Will you now.
DAVIN
Just to make sure we’re all on the same page.
He SHOVES Skip at Athena.
SKIP
Athena -
ATHENA
Did you really think you were gonna make me into the hero, Skip?
SKIP
Yes. I really thought I could.
ATHENA
...I want punch your face so much...when you’re right.
SKIP
What?
She KICKS DAVIN! KNOCKS MCGRATH AWAY FROM HIM!
HE STAGGERS...
...and she THROWS HIM FROM THE TRAIN!
DAVIN
AAAAA
A HORRIBLE SCREECH, and the TRAIN SLOWS.
TRAIN
Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the inconvenience. An unexpected obstacle has obstructed the track. We will begin moving again shortly.
Athena pulls McGrath to her feet. A beat.
ATHENA
So I’m still pretty high from Desoto’s cocktail and I was freezing to death in the woods of Maine and I thought about some of the things I said earlier and oh forget it
She KISSES McGRATH. McGRATH KISSES BACK.
McGrath breaks the kiss.
TRAIN
Emergency stop. Thank you!
ATHENA
So...any chance you’d wanna blow this popsicle stand with me before the train starts up again?
MACKENZIE
I...can’t.
ATHENA
Well...when you can, come find me.
(smooches McGrath quickly)
Bye. See you around, Granger!
She runs away.
SKIP
Are you okay, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Yeah I guess so.
(beat)
Are you?
SKIP
...no.
TRAIN TRANSITION
TRAIN
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for you patience! The train will begin moving shortly.
It does.
Back in the Genesis device car...
ZELDA
Thank you, Agent Kovak. Secretary Whitmire, I think you can see that my agents...ah. Here’s the rest.
Skip and McGrath join them.
SKIP
Section Chief.
MACKENZIE
Sup, Whitty.
GLORIA
Skip! Mackenzie! Thank God you’re all right! Where’s Davin?
MACKENZIE
He caught a train. In the face.
CHET
And where’s Athena?
MACKENZIE
...gone.
WHITMIRE
I see.
BOWDEN
But we’ve recovered so many other criminals! Plus extras!
GLORIA
We’ve locked them all in the brig, Mister Secretary!
WHITMIRE
...you hear all of that, Terry?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON THE PA)
I did.
ZELDA
What?
MACKENZIE
Davin said he shut down the monitoring system!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON THE PA)
Timmy left TikTok Live on the whole time.
MACKENZIE
God dammit, Timmy.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON THE PA)
I must admit I’m quite chagrined at the behavior of Mister Ford, who clearly quit our institution before he committed these crimes.
GLORIA
He was working for you!
The WHIR of a TAPE.
DAVIN (RECORDED) (OVER PA)
Oh ho ho, Mister Phillips, do you really think I’m still working for the Dark EMF?...I’ve abandoned this company...I’ve abandoned this company...
Terry allows the tape to REPLAY several times.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (OVER PA)
Clearly my organization can’t be held accountable for the actions of a few rogue ex-employees.
MACKENZIE
Are you kidding me?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (OVER PA)
But I’m willing to settle this with the DoD for a reasonable fine, Mister Secretary.
ZELDA
No! No this is unacceptable! Mister Secretary!
WHITMIRE
Give us a minute alone, wouldja Terry?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
Certainly.
MACKENZIE
Still recording every word, though, aren’t you?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (ON PA)
You’ll have to check the terms-and-conditions on the contract you signed by fingerprint when you touched this train. Toodles!
Click.
WHITMIRE
Zelda. You let Athena O’Brien loose.
CHET
That was me, sir -
WHITMIRE
Zip it, Chet! You were responsible, as head of the EMF, for setting these events into motion.
SKIP
Is it true, Section Chief? Were you feeding Chet information while he worked at the Dark EMF that I brought to you in confidence?
ZELDA
Skip, there were tactical reasons -
SKIP
Were there tactical reasons for keeping me out of the loop regarding Gloria’s promotion?
(silence)
Are you listening to me, Section Chief?
ZELDA
I...am -
SKIP
Are you very listening?
GLORIA
Skip what’s wrong?
MACKENZIE
We hear you, Skip. Just say it.
SKIP
Why did you even keep me around for all these years? What skill set do I bring to the table? What am I good for?
GLORIA
Skip -
SKIP
I think back to the day you promoted me. I think about how I let you in.
GLORIA
Skip, we’re friends!
SKIP
We are not friends, Gloria! We’re coworkers. Coworkers who lie to each other.
GLORIA
No!
ZELDA
That’s part of the job, Skip! That’s a basic skill required of intelligence agents!
SKIP
Maybe I don’t have the skills, then.
GLORIA
No, Skip -
SKIP
If I could do these things, I would. But can I? Can I be like Bowden, and pretend to be Ernest Hemingway?
BOWDEN
Skip, not everyone can do a star turn in shows like the Blue Clocks Green jukebox musical -
SKIP
Can I bulldoze my way through problems the way Gloria does?
GLORIA
I don’t bulldoze my way through problems! Well...except that time I used a bulldozer, but -
SKIP
Can I flaws in computer code like McGrath? Ha! Computer code? Can I even understand semaphore? Can I, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Skip. I understand everything you’re saying. Are you sure you know what you’re doing, here?
SKIP
I have no other choice.
(beat)
Section Chief? I resign.
GLORIA
No!
ZELDA
Skip -
BOWDEN
Maybe think this through -
Skip steps into one of the EXIT PODS and pushes the button.
TRAIN
Departure in three...two...one...
MACKENZIE
(calmer)
Hey Skip?
SKIP
What, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
I’ll see you around.
SKIP
...no you won’t.
TRAIN
Goodbye.
FWOOP!
He’s gone.
WHITMIRE
Eh, not to suck the gravitas out of such a dramatic act, but, eh... you’re all fired anyway.
ALL
What?!?
WHITMIRE
Zelda, you carried out corporate espionage which ended in the release of a supervillain into the wild. Your ego drove you way over the line of acceptable risk.
(to the others)
There’s a job waiting for the rest of you at the Dark EMF. I have Dark EMF parking passes -
GLORIA
Oh go stuff yourself, Eustace.
BOWDEN
Couldn’t have said it better.
MACKENZIE
I mean, I would have said -
WHITMIRE
Okay, then. Consider yourselves disavowed. This TerryCorp device will remain under the watchful eye of the government. None of you ever saw it.
He steps into an exit elevator.
TRAIN
Departure in three...two...one...
WHITMIRE
And don’t come asking for job references.
FWOOP! Gloria starts to gather up some equipment.
GLORIA
C’mon. We have to go after Skip.
ZELDA
And do what?
GLORIA
Find him and talk some sense into him!
MACKENZIE
You won’t.
GLORIA
C’mon, Bowden!
BOWDEN
Will two fit in this pod? Ooh we will!
GLORIA
No time for that...mmnm...no! We’ll find Skip and bring him back!
MACKENZIE
Back where?
GLORIA
I -
TRAIN
Departure in three...two...one...
GLORIA
We’ll come back!
BOWDEN
We promise!
FWOOP! Gloria and Bowden are gone.
MACKENZIE
Right. It’s time to get off the train, kids.
CHET
No, McGrath! We have to fight this!
McGrath gets into an elevator and pushes the button.
TRAIN
Departure in three...two...one...
MACKENZIE
It’s not my fight anymore. I...gotta go figure myself out.
CHET
Wait, McGrath -
FWOOP!
CHET
Okay, look, Zelda. We have to stick to the plan.
ZELDA
What plan?
CHET
I have to go back to Terry! Convince him I’m uncompromised! Keep someone on the inside!
ZELDA
He’s listening right now. To everything you just said. To everything you’ve ever said.
(beat)
It’s pointless.
She steps into the tube.
CHET
Chief, c’mon!
TRAIN
Departure in three...two...one...
ZELDA
I’m not your chief anymore, Chet. You’re on your own. Do what you have to do.
CHET
Zelda!
TRAIN
Goodbye.
FWOOP!
CHET
...Admiral? Any piece of you still in there? ANYBODY IN THERE? All right. It’s all right. You’re alone. You’re alone.
STUDEBAKER
(groggy)
I’m still here...
CHET
Oh shut up.
TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. TERRY MILLIONAIRE’S HOUSE - DAY
Knock knock knock.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Enter.
The door opens, and in walks...
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Hello again, Chet. To what do I owe the pleasure?
CHET
I’m here for the Section Chief job. Here are my salary requirements.
Terry laughs.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
You completely failed to procure Dr. Studebaker, you led the EMF to my train, you were working undercover for Zelda Anders, and you let a digital copy of the Admiral Fletcher personality slip out of your head and through your fingers. Why on earth would I hire you to manage the Dark EMF?
CHET
Well Athena ran for the hills and Davin’s dead. It doesn’t look like you have any other qualified candidates.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Hmmm. Well...and you’re still interested in working for me?
CHET
Zelda was right. We can’t fight you, the EMF is gone...and I’ve got nowhere else to go if I want to do good in the world.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
...well, I’m all about second chances, Chet. If you’d like to come back, I accept.
CHET
Thank you. Now I think -
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
You can return as a field agent.
CHET
...you’ll still need a Section Chief.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Well, I actually have another qualified candidate for the Section Chief of the Dark EMF.
CHET
What? Who?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
I realized I was looking for the wrong qualities in an administrator. Certainly you were all skilled agents, you were daring - perhaps reckless? - but that’s not who I need to run this company. I need organizational skills, and someone who wants to make a difference in this world. And an applicant just approached me with exactly the right resume. Would you come in, Section Chief?
The door opens. Chet’s jaw almost hits the floor.
CHET
No...effing...way.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Allow me to introduce your new boss, Chet...Dark EMF Section Chief Skip Granger.
SKIP
Hi Chet! I guess you’ll be reporting to me from now on!
MUSIC: END CREDITS!
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by Pete Barry.
It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcreif
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovack
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice
Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O’Brien
Jean Barry as Quinn Corrino
Jill Ivey as Child Star, Elle Mae Sederstrom and Train Voice
and Bob Killion as The Admiral
Guest Starring
David S. Dear as Terry Millionaire
J. Michael DeAngelis as Davin Ford
Caden Dowgin as Timmy “Two Bit” Thompson
Pete Barry as Ted Desoto
Shannon Perry as Dr. Hermione Pickle
Kristen Norine as Dr. Wiles
Karen Yang as Dr. Karol Legrange
Dustin Karrat as Stefan
Natty Leach as Hypnotic Voice
Rebecca Serfass as Lucky
John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker
and Eric Perry as Secretary Whitmire
Music, sound editing and mixing by
Pete Barry
You've probably noticed, but this show has ads now. Unless you're listening on the Patreon feed, which is, and always will be, ad free. For as low as $1 a month, you can hear my dulcet tones without capitalistic interruption. Visit patreon.com/missionrejected to sign up and say goodbye to advertising. Eat Snacky Smores.
This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2023 Extraordinary Missions Limited. Mission Rejected will return in 2024.
INT. TRAIN SERVER ROOM - NO DEFINITE TIME
The train hums along. Bleeps and bloops.
A computer stirs to life.
TRAIN
Genesis device powering up. Neural network activated. Power levels at five percent. And rising.
A strange coughing static emerges from the speaker.
ADMIRAL (IN THE COMPUTER)
I...live...again...
The Admiral LAUGHS...a weird, robotic laughter...
END MUSIC!