Season Four, Episode Eleven: “THE WRATH OF CANNES”
TRANSCRIPT

EXT. TERRYCORPS HQ - DAY

SFX: Reporters gathered outside waiting for a press conference.

NEWSCASTER STEVE
This is Steve Connors coming to you live from the steps of the TerryCorps Building here in midtown Manhattan. We await CEO Terry Millionaire, the philanthropist billionaire, who has called a press conference. Will this be the long awaited debut of the TerryPhone or perhaps a new version of the tech giant’s TerryPads? We’ll know soon - here comes Mr. Millionaire now.

SFX: Applause. Clicks of cameras.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Good morning, thank you all for coming. Passion. Dedication. Hard work. Giving back to others. These are the guiding principals that have driven my life. They brought us the TM-95 calculator, the TerryPro personal computer and, of course, Ben & Terry’s Vermont Style Semi-Soft Custards. A totally original product and not at all like anything else on the market.

SFX: Big round of applause. Everyone loves custard.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
But now, these pillars of my life will give back to society in an even larger way with my new TerryCorps patented Prisoner Rehabilitation Program! Please welcome to the stage former child star Felicity Warner!

CHILD STAR
Thank you, Mr. Millionaire.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Six months ago, Miss Warner was living a life of crime - a path of mayhem and violence left in her wake.

CHILD STAR
Guilty!

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Oh, sure, our government tried to reform her, but their idea of reformation involved nothing more than sticking this poor woman in a so-called “supermax” prison. No chance to repent. No room to thrive.

CHILD STAR
I need wide open spaces, Terry.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Just a few months ago, TerryCorps took custody of Miss Warner and several other hardened criminals, and using my revolutionary Prisoner Rehabilitation Program, they have already begun new and productive lives. Felicity, tell the people what you’ve been up to.

CHILD STAR
I have been working with a local orphanage on a brand new production of “Dead Man Walking: The Musical, trying to pass on my love of theater to the next generation and teach them about the cruelty of state run prison systems.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Miss Warner here is just the tip of the iceberg. I hope that in the near future I will be sharing many other success stories from the Terry Millionaire Prisoner Rehabilitation Program, which I stress is a totally original product and not in any way cribbed from anyone else’s idea. Questions?

SFX: The reporters all vie for attention.

NEWSCASTER STEVE
Mr. Millionaire, is Miss Warner the first prisoner to participate in this revolutionary program?

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Alas, no. Our first subject, Academy Award Winner and psychotic murderer, Balthazar Montcrief, died in a fire in France’s famous City Soundstage while filming his rehabilitation opus “Too Tall To Fail: The Balthazar Montcrief Story.”

NEWSCASTER STEVE
Does TerryCorps bear any responsibility for the safety of those in the program?

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
I reject the premise of your question. This press conference is over. Enjoy some custard on your way out.

SFX: Terry gets into his car.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Take us home, Percy. Percy, did you hear me?

SFX: The driver turns around. A gun clicks.

ATHENA
I think home sounds like a splendid idea. We need to have a nice long talk, Terry.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLES

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “The Wrath of Cannes.”

EXT. A STREET IN VENICE ITALY (SIMULATION) - DAY

SFX: Ah, Venice.

GLORIA
Ah, Venice! This is Special Agent in Charge Gloria Kovak. Subordinates, report in.

MACKENZIE (OVER COMMS)
I’m in position, G. Give me three minutes and I’ll have access to every Venetian mobster’s bank account.

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
And I’m posing as a waiter at the Don’s favorite trattoria, pepper mill in one hand and wedge of fine, aged Parmesan in the other.

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
And I’m his loyal bus boy, Geppetto! Here to clean tables and watch Bowden’s back!

GLORIA
Well done, team. Bowden and Skip, all you have to do is buy Mackenzie enough time to finish her -

SFX: A burst of static over the comms.

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
Agent Kovak, I’m picking up an emergency broadcast on the police band.

GLORIA
Patch it through.

DISTRESSED VOICE (OVER COMMS)
Imperative! This is the S.S. Kobayashi Maru...nineteen nautical miles out of Ancona. We have struck an aquatic mine and have lost all power. Our hull is penetrated and we have sustained many casualties.

GLORIA
Miss McGrath, data on the SS Kobayashi Maru.

MACKENZIE (OVER COMMS)
Subject vessel is a third class fuel carrier, crew of eighty-one, three hundred passengers.

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
We’re way closer than the police or the coast guard. They’ll never make it n time.

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
The Don is almost done his meal!

MACKENZIE (OVER COMMS)
I haven’t even started hacking his accounts!

GLORIA
Bowden, stall him!

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
The ship is starting to sink! Gloria, we have to help them!

GLORIA
Damn. Skip, you get to the SS Maru and do what you can. Miss McGrath, I need those accounts double time.

MACKENZIE (OVER COMMS)
I’m almost in...oh no.

SFX: Beeping

MACKENZIE (OVER COMMS)
It’s a trap! They know I’m in their systems! I gotta get out of here!

SFX: A door swings open.

MOBSTER (OVER COMMS)
Hands in the air!

MACKENZIE (OVER COMMS)
Gloria, sending you the account info..now!

MOBSTER (OVER COMMS)
I said hands up!

SFX: Gun shots.

MACKENZIE (OVER COMMS)
(Death scream)

GLORIA
Miss McGrath! Miss McGrath? Mackenzie? Bowden, abort mission. Repeat: abort mission.

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
Understood. Aborting operation Godfooler.

DON GIOVANNI (OVER COMMS)
Wha? What is it you say? Operation?

FREDO FIVE FINGERS (OVER COMMS)
Hey, this guy is wearing a wire! What’s the story?

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
Have you heard the one about the Vulcan mobster? Backup! Where’s my backup?

SFX: Machine gun fire. Bowden is hit.

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
Parting is such...sweet...sorrow...

GLORIA
BOWDEN! NO! Skip, you need to get back to the restaurant!

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
I never should have boarded a sinking ship! I think the engine is about too expl -

SFX: BOOM!

GLORIA
Skip! No! Skip!

ZELDA (OVER COMMS)
Alright. That’s enough. Open her up.

SFX: A door slides open and Zelda enters.

ZELDA
End the Venice simulation.

SFX: Venice noises stop, replaced by beeps and bloops. We’re in the EMF Training Simulation Site in Delaware.

BOWDEN
Man, these black site simulations are getting better and better! Who would have guessed you could recreate all of Venice in a warehouse in Delaware?

ZELDA
Doctor Starr used her Disney connections to secure us a Volume studio. It’s part of her penance.

GLORIA
I guess I blew that, huh?

SKIP
I wouldn’t say that, Gloria! The entire test is built around a no win scenario. I thought you did quite well.

ZELDA
You’re dead, Skip.

SKIP
But I lasted a whole minute! I think that’s a new record for me.

BOWDEN
What did you think of my performance, Zelda?

ZELDA
I’m not a drama critic.

MACKENZIE
This whole thing was bull. I don’t know why you put poor Gloria through that.

ZELDA
Agent Kovak has earned the right to take this test, consistently showing valor and ingenuity in the field. Furthermore, I will NOT be caught flat footed like I was four years ago when Agent-in-Charge Chet Phillips went AWOL. There may come a day when Skip isn’t here - and someone will need to step up.

SFX: Zelda goes.

GLORIA
Now what was that supposed to mean?

SKIP
You know how the Section Chief gets when she’s stressed. With all the pressure Secretary Whitmire has been putting on the EMF, I’m sure she’s just covering her bases.

BOWDEN
Gloria, I thought you were spectacular in your first starring role. Shall we head back to my place for some celebratory “Netflix and chill”? (Beat) You’re all invited of course.

MACKENZIE
Gag me.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. BOWDEN’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

SFX: The sounds of the city.

BOWDEN
A toast. To your success.

GLORIA
Bo, I got everyone killed.

BOWDEN
Well. To absent friends.

GLORIA
To absent friends.

SFX: Clink of glasses.

BOWDEN
Shall we put on a movie? I just got my SAG screener of Tár 2: Electric Boogaloo! What a privilege to watch a movie from the comfort of home after it’s been in the theater but BEFORE it’s out on streaming!

GLORIA
Truly, we live like royalty! Pop it in!

SFX: Bowden operates his DVD player, clinging onto the past.

BOWDEN
I hear Blanchett is chilling in the break dance battle scene.

SFX: Some classical music and then static and then...

MISSION VOICE (ON TV)
Good evening, Mr. Montcrief.

BOWDEN
What the?

MISSION VOICE (ON TV)
Forgive the deception, but time and secrecy are of the essence.

GLORIA
I’ve never seen a mission tape delivered on camera before. She’s really rocking that dress, though.

MISSION VOICE (ON TV)
Yes, I am.

BOWDEN
Can you hear us?

MISSION VOICE (ON TV)
No, that would be impossible.

BOWDEN
Exactly...hey!

MISSION VOICE (ON TV)
It has come to the EMF’s attention that you have been named the president of the jury at this year’s Cannes Film Festival.

BOWDEN
ME? Head of the jury at Cannes? Finally, I’m being recognized for my contributions to the industry and impeccable good taste! Plus, I can promote the hell out of “Abbott & Costello: Vampire Hunters.”

MISSION VOICE (ON TV)
It’s our belief that your appointment to the jury is highly suspect, as prior to this announcement, sources claimed Florence Pugh would be this year’s president.

GLORIA
Oh. She would have been great.

MISSION VOICE (ON TV)
The EMF advises you to accept the position, but to be ever vigilant. If your appointment is some sort of a ploy, you must uncover who is behind it...and why. This DVD will self destruct. That will probably also destroy your DVD player, but really, Bowden...it’s 2023.

SFX: BOOM! The DVD player explodes.

GLORIA
Oh, Bo. I don’t know how I feel about this. What if someone is trying to kill you?

BOWDEN
Then I’ve finally made it! Eat your heart out, Jared Leto! I don’t see anyone creating an elaborate, international deception to murder you!

GLORIA
I love you, but sometimes I think you focus on the wrong angles.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. TERRYCORPS HQ - TERRY’S OFFICE - NIGHT

SFX: A cozy fire going.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
So, Miss O’Brien, how long shall we stare at each other across my desk?

ATHENA
Until you start giving me some answers, Terry.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Please, Miss O’Brien. We are not yet so familiar.

ATHENA
Fine. What’s your full name...Terrance?

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Actually, it’s Terrell. But you can call me Mr. Millionaire.

ATHENA
What I’m going to call you is the late Mr. Millionaire. You frame me, you kidnap me, you keep me in a cage, you STARVE me.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
There were slops!

ATHENA
YOU RUINED MY PROM NIGHT. And still - here I am. Out of the cage, out of the totally insane “Dark EMF headquarters” you built, out and about undetected through the heart of your operation, hunting you down on my own in New York City, waltzing - literally waltzing - do you know how hard that is - into your car and now holding you prisoner in your own home. All without anyone in your precious Dark EMF even batting an eyelid. All so I could see the look on your face when I kill you...Mr. Millionaire.

SFX: Slow applause from Terry.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Please, call me Terry.

ATHENA
What? What’s happening?

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
You have exceeded every expectation.

ATHENA (Still uncertain)
I usually do.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Please, sit down. Shall I order some dinner? Not slops, I can assure you. Unless that’s what you want. We’re celebrating!

ATHENA
Celebrating what, exactly?

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
You just had the greatest job interview of all time.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SFX: A plane taking off.

INT. LE MAJESTIC HOTEL, CANNES, FRANCE - DAY

SFX: The hotel room door opens and the team is escorted in by PIERRE.

PIERRE
Right this way, Monsieur President. I do hope this suite will be satisfactory to you and your...ensembe.

SFX: Pierre opens the suite door and the team enters, closing the door behind them.

BOWDEN
Merci boucoup, Pierre. A Cannes president can never go anywhere without his entourage. My private secretary, Mademoiselle Belle...

GLORIA
Enchanté.

BOWDEN
My public secretary, Madame LeFeu...

MACKENZIE
Merde.

BOWDEN
My personal assistant, Bill Shatner...

SKIP
Uh...

BOWDEN
And, of course, my agent...Gary.

GARY
Hey, getta load of this place! Boffo, Pierre! Socko, Pierre! Let’s do lunch!

BOWDEN
Say, Pierre, when do I get to meet my fellow judges?

PIERRE
Well, they are all staying here at the Le Majestic. The biggest names in international cinema! Msr. Ryan Reynolds is staying in the Orson Wells Suite, Madame Lea Seydoux is in the Jerry Lewis Suite, and Msr. David Lynch is in the basement, sleeping in an unlit furnace. In fact, if you will excuse me, I must bring Msr. Lynch his 2pm dead rat.

SFX: He goes

MACKENZIE
Damn, Bowden, knowing you is finally paying off! I’m going to rub elbows with real celebrities!

BOWDEN
Just another day in my life, McGrath, but I’m happy to share.

SKIP
Don’t you mean Madame LeFeu?

BOWDEN
It’s okay, Skip, the bell boy has gone.

SKIP (Sotto voce)
No, Bowden, I mean your agent.

GARY
Worried I’ll find out you’re all spies? Don’t worry, Skip-o, I’ve known for years.

SKIP
WHAT?

BOWDEN
Skip, the agent-actor relationship is sacrosanct!

GARY
Don’t worry, sweet lips! An agent’s career is BUILT on keeping secrets. You ever hear about Ron Howard’s secret cock fighting ring?

MACKENZIE
Well, I’m sold.

SFX: The rusting of a newspaper

GLORIA
Oh no. Oh no no no.

BOWDEN
Gloria, what’s wrong?

GLORIA
Bowden, your brother...

BOWDEN
Oh right. He’s dead. Like we haven’t heard THAT before. I would have mentioned it, but I don’t like to even say his name.

MACKENZIE (Aside to Skip)
And you think I need therapy.

GLORIA
No, Bowden. Balthazar...has a movie here at Cannes.

BOWDEN
What?

GLORIA
And it’s favored to win the Palm d’Or.

BOWDEN
WHAT?

GARY
Easy there, buddy. Don’t want to strain those golden vocal chords. Besides, what does Cahier de Cinema know about movies anyway?

BOWDEN
Well, fraud or not, I’m the president of the jury! His movie will never win. What else is in the running?

GLORIA
Uh...a German film called Ein kleiner Nachtfurz, Nick Nolte as Dean Martin AND Jerry Lewis in Werner Herzog’s Tears of a Clown, and Adam Sandler’s The Bell Jar.

BOWDEN
I see...

SKIP
Bowden, I think this is the set up we were looking for. It can’t be a coincidence that your the president of the jury when your brother has a movie in the running.

GARY
Of course it’s not a coincidence - it’s good old fashioned nepotism! It’s what makes the business run, baby. Everybody loves a set of brothers - Sly and Frank Stallone, Dennis and Randy Quaid, Eddie and Charlie Murphy...any combination of Baldwins...

BOWDEN
Not helping, Gar. This is terrible. My hack brother has a buzzy movie and I’ve got a sham presidency. This can’t get much worse.

SFX: The door flings open.

ANNIE
Bowden Montcrief!

GARY
It never rains, but it pours.

BOWDEN
Hey...uh...I want to say...Nancy?

ALL (EXCEPT BOWDEN)
It’s Annie!

ANNIE
Annie Wilmont!

BOWDEN
Right...

MACKENZIE
From the New Jersey ComicCon mission? And your ex-lover.

BOWDEN
OH! THAT Annie Wilmont. Forgive me, I’ve got a lot on my mind.

ANNIE
And there’s so little room in there.

GLORIA
Miss Wilmont, what are you doing in Cannes?

MACKENZIE
I thought you were shacked up with a big time comic collector.

ANNIE
Oh, I was, but I decided it was time to get back to my one true love -

BOWDEN
I’m flattered, but Gloria and I are “going steady.”

ANNIE
Not you, nitwit. Acting.

GLORIA
Good for you! Do you have a movie here at Cannes?

ANNIE
I’m supposed to, but unless y’all can help me, I’m gonna end up on the cutting room floor.

SKIP
I don’t really think that kind of thing is our department, sadly.

ANNIE
It’s exactly your department. I saw in the paper that Bowden is the jury president!

BOWDEN
Yes, well, even that seems to be up for debate at the moment. Annie, I’m sorry, truly, but we have bigger concerns right now than your screen time.

ANNIE
It’s ALL our screen time, they’ve taken Genesis!

BOWDEN
Genesis! Who’s taking Genesis?

MACKENZIE
We talking pre-or-post-Peter Gabriel?

BOWDEN
Gloria - set up the slide projector.

GLORIA
On it!

SFX: Gloria turns on the projector.

BOWDEN
What you are about to see is beyond top secret. Gary, Annie and I are privy to it as members of SAG-AFTRA. I share this with you civilians only due to the dire circumstances.

MACKENZIE
CIVILIANS?

BOWDEN
Gloria, please play this file off my phone.

SFX: Gloria hooks the phone to the projector and a video starts to play, hosted by MARCUS CAROLS.

MUSIC: Synth music - eerie.

MARCUS (ON SCREEN)
I’m Dr. Marcus Carols, director of the Genesis Project here at Agrarian Light and Magic. What exactly IS Genesis? Put it simply, Genesis is a procedure wherein the stars from yesterday can be put into the films of tomorrow. Legendary song and dance man Fred Astaire as Fiyero in Wicked? Done. Bette Davis fans, ever wonder what happened to Baby Jane? She’s starring in the next Hunger Games prequel! And, of course, Sir Alec Guinness in his favorite role of all time, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars sequel after Star Wars sequel after Star Wars sequel after Star Wars sequel. Just like he would have wanted. Best of all, since they’re all dead - no need for million dollar pay days!

GARY
But also no agent fees!

MACKENZIE
So it’s deep fake software? Big deal. I made a video of Skip doing the Chicken Dance in 90 minutes.

SKIP
What?

MACKENZIE
I was going to surprise you for your birthday.

BOWDEN
This isn’t any ordinary deep fake.

GARY
It’s not boffo socko.

BOWDEN
Combined with a vast data storage unit and a ChatGPT-like interface, you can make the stars say anything - even conduct video and phone interviews.

GARY
It socks the boffo.

BOWDEN
Genesis was nearly flawless. To the point that some of us LIVING actors protested its use.

GARY
Why hire Bowden when you could just plop in Richard Burton? No offense, Bo baby.

MACKENZIE
But dear Lord, are we intelligent enough to -- Suppose this thing were used to replace actors that already exist?

BOWDEN
Exactly, McGrath. Phase Two - putting the stars of today into the films of yesterday. Harrison Ford as Lawrence of Arabia?

GLORIA
Well...okay.

BOWDEN
Miley Cyrus as Cleopatra?

MACKENZIE
It’s not that great to begin with...

BOWDEN
Kevin Sorbo as 007?

ALL
Oh God, no! The horror! Etc.

BOWDEN
Exactly. The film preservationists went nuts. Scorsese and Coppola threatened to burn their DGA cards. Spielberg threatened to make another comedy. That was that. The device was confiscated and all future development halted.

ANNIE
I’ve spent the last six months here in Cannes filming my big comeback as the mom in Baby’s Day Out: The Snyder Cut. Or so I thought. Imagine my surprise when I snuck into last night’s dailies screening and Jenna Ortega is playing my part!

GARY
Annie, sweetheart, bubula, re-casting happens all the time. Ask Bowden.

ANNIE
Wednesday Addams is currently filming “I Know Who You Stabbed Last Winter”. In Bulgaria. It’s all over her Instagram. This is Genesis.

BOWDEN
If someone has the device out in the wild, we have to get it back.

SKIP
Bowden, thank you for bringing this to our attention. We have to retrieve this tech.

BOWDEN
Skip, I love you're willing to stand up for actors, even though I know you can't name a single one. It touches me that you see the importance of this.

SKIP
Of a device that could make flawless recordings of people saying anything you tell them? Forget about movies, what happens when they start putting words in the mouths of world leaders? It could start wars, crash economies!

BOWDEN
Oh. Yes. That too.

GLORIA
Not to mention the legalities of it all! Does Jenna Ortega even know she’s in this movie? CONSENT, PEOPLE! Annie, where are you filming?

ANNIE
City Sound Stage. If you can get to our editor or the director, they must have access to Genesis.

MACKENZIE
I can print us all out a couple of press badges.

BOWDEN
Do it, McGrath.

GARY
Alright, woah, woah, woah. Hate to be the fly in the ointment here, but Bowden has presidential duties to attend to.

SKIP
You’re right, Gary, but we have to stop them from copying these actors' likenesses! McGrath - print me a face!

MACKENZIE
You got it, Skip. Wait...who’s face am I making?

SKIP
Bowden’s.

BOWDEN
BWAH?

MACKENZIE
Oh. This is going to be classic.

SFX: SnapFace machine.

SKIP
Bowden, you know more about Genesis than any of us. You and Gloria go with Annie to her set and I’ll pose as you at Cannes.

BOWDEN
But Skip...people know my voice! One word out of your mouth and they’ll know your not me.

SKIP
Hmmm. I know! I’ll pretend that I’m doing a different voice as part of my method research for my next role!

BOWDEN
And you know NOTHING about actors! Skip...this is my career!

SKIP
Don’t worry, McGrath will come with me as Madame Le Feu. She can tell me everything I need to know.

MACKENZIE
Alright. But only because I get to meet Ryan Reynolds...and make him pay for Green Lantern.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. CANNES FILM FESTIVAL

SFX: A fancy party going on. Press and cameras.

MACKENZIE (Mouth full)
I’ll say this for France, they sure know their cheese.

SKIP
McGrath, I need you to stop wandering off to the buffet. What if someone comes up to talk to me and I go all...Sam Eagle? I may have oversold my confidence in being able to portray Bowden.

MACKENZIE
Look, we just have to kill time until Bowden and Gloria get back, so let’s just keep stuffing our mouth full of cheese.

SKIP
McGrath, get back! There he is again!

MACKENZIE
Ryan Reynolds?

SKIP
No - that mysterious man in black.

MACKENZIE
Skip, we’re at a film festival, everyone is in black.

SKIP
That man over there smoking a cigarette by the coffee carafes. He’s been staring at me all night.

MACKENZIE
I...I think that’s David Lynch!

SKIP
He’s unsettlingly normal looking.

MACKENZIE
Funny, that’s how I describe you. He really is staring at you, though...oh shit, he’s coming over here!

MUSIC: Dark jazz.

SKIP
What are we going to do?

MACKENZIE
He’s one of the judges...just...do what Bowden would do.

SFX: Footsteps as DAVID LYNCH approaches.

SKIP (Sam Eagle)
Hello, I’m Bowden Montcrief and this is my assistant, Madame LeFeu.

DAVID LYNCH
Bowden Montcrief. You remind me today of small, Mexican chihuahua.

SKIP
Uhh…

DAVID LYNCH
Good seeing you, sport.

SFX: David Lynch walks away.

SKIP
What the heck was THAT?

MACKENZIE
Well...at least you didn’t have to say anything else.

SKIP
McGrath! Look who Lynch is talking to now! Is that...Marcus Carols?

MACKENZIE
The guy who invented Genesis! Skip, this can’t be a coincidence.

SKIP
McGrath, when two separate events occur simultaneously pertaining to the same object of inquiry, we must always pay strict attention. Let’s follow them.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. CITY SOUND STAGE FIVE

SFX: A large sound stage door rolls open. Then it’s eerily quiet.

GLORIA
It’s eerily quiet.

BOWDEN
Well, it’s 4pm and we’re in France - they’re probably still on lunch break.

GLORIA
Look at this set, though! It’s massive! I wasn’t expecting a luxury ocean liner. What kind of day out is this baby having?

GARY
Well, maybe it’s some sort of Titanic tie-in. Hmm. I gotta get the rights to that.

ANNIE
Twenty-five years later?

GLORIA
The details are incredible. I almost feel like I’ve been here before.

BOWDEN
Well, the camera sees everything, and the 8k Ultra HD camera sees even more. The days of wobbly cardboard sets are over. Annie, Gary, Check the off-camera area. See if you can find any evidence of Genesis. Gloria and I will search on set.

GARY
Bo baby, watch your caboose. You’re my number one client!

SFX: They wander off.

BOWDEN
I just can’t can’t get over this set. Down to the embroidery on the pillows...S.S. Russet. S.S. Russet...oh no! Gloria, we’ve got to get out of here. Damn! Hurry!

GLORIA
What’s the matter?

BOWDEN
Never mind, hurry!

BALTHAZAR
BABY BROTHER BOWDEN!

GLORIA
(GASPS)

BOWDEN
Balthazar! Still alive. Really should have seen this coming.

GLORIA
The papers reported that you died in fire while shooting your bio picture on City Sound Stage Five.

BALTHAZAR
THIS IS CITY SOUND STAGE FIVE! City Sound Stage Six burned weeks ago while we were recreating my triumph in the Lord Nero movie.

BOWDEN
YOUR triumph? THAT WAS ME!

BALTHAZAR
The blaze destroyed all of my sets except this one. It was so large it needed it’s own stage. Now it’s been taken over by that vile sea fairing baby...Ah! You didn’t expect to find me. You thought this was City Sound Stage Six. Why...are you here?

GLORIA
We could ask the same of you!

BALTHAZAR
Giving the greatest performance of my life...as myself! Too Tall To Fail will soon be whispered in the same breath as Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and

BOWDEN
Pooty Tang?

GLORIA
But why fake your death?

BALTHAZAR
Aside from upping my Oscar chances? It was the only way to escape from that vile “Prisoner Rehabilitation Center” I was being held in by Terry Millionaire. Brain washing center is more like it!

GLORIA
You don’t seem very rehabilitated.

BALTHAZAR
As if they could brain wash me! If I got anything from my time in Oceanology it was how to resist mind control. Always wear a stylish, lead lined outfit.

BOWDEN
But they let you out to make the movie anyway?

BALTHAZAR
ACTING! I played along with their little game. When I saw them release that talent-less Child Star out into the world, I seized my opportunity to play brain dead and let them ship me off to France, convinced I was their pawn.

GLORIA
Their pawn...to make a movie...about your life?

BALTHAZAR
The movie was just the public cover. Terry Millionaire is using the program as a smoke screen to cover his nefarious acts. I’m sure his peon Davin Ford was coming to give me some dastardly mission or other, so I faked my death in the fire to get out of it.

BOWDEN
Ford? What was he going to have you do?

BALTHAZAR
Don’t know. Don’t care. I had but two consuming thoughts - to finish the greatest movie ever made...and lure your here and force YOU to be the one to hand it the Palm d’Or!

GLORIA
So Bowden’s presidency is a sham!

BOWDEN
Let’s not jump to any conclusions.

BALTHAZAR
A few well placed bribes, a few nocturnal rendezvous, a few whispered sweet nothings to the Cannes organizers and Florence PUH was out - and Bowden was in!

GLORIA
But wait. You were surprised to see us...

BALTHAZAR
Yes! Why would you be snooping around an empty studio when you should be at the festival, watching MY movie! And where are your little friends...Mackenzie McGrath and the...nervous one? This stinks of EMF goody two shoes tom foolery.

BOWDEN (Bluffing)
Get real. We were here to hunt you down. I knew all along this whole thing was one of your dumb schemes. We’re looking for you and nothing else.

SFX: Gary and Annie run up.

GARY
No sign of Genesis back here.

ANNIE
We looked everywhere.

GARY
Oh, hey, Balthazar Montcrief! How’s my number one client? Not dead, I see. BOFFO! SOCKO! Though if you could lay low through the Golden Globes, I think it would really create some great buzz.

BOWDEN
ET TU, GARY?

GARY
Hey, I’m a Hollywood agent - the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many!

BALTHAZAR
Genesis! So. It’s real. This must be why Millionaire sent me here. Imagine the chaos he could cause creating fake news reports unmistakable for the real thing. Feh. What limited imagination he has.

GLORIA
Excuse me?

BALTHAZAR
Do you know what I could do with Genesis? Balthazar Montcrief in The Wizard of Oz…in Annie Hall…in BENJI!

BOWDEN
Oh good Lord. You wouldn’t!

BALTHAZAR
Balthazar Montcrief in Being John Malkovitch...as John Malkovitch! I must have it.

ANNIE
Aren’t you listening? It’s not here!

BALTHAZAR
GIVE ME GENESIS!

BOWDEN
I have had enough of you! Gloria, let’s go. I can’t wait to vote for Adam Sandler.

BALTHAZAR
NO! No one leaves here until I say so. If you don’t have it, and Millionaire doesn’t have it...tell me, where is Skip Granger?

GARY
Sorry, Balthy, baby. Agents never spill their secrets.

BALTHAZAR
Let me introduce you to a little piece of TerryCorps tech that I took with me - the Hypno Ray!

SFX: He whips out the ray. It whirs with a pulsating hum.

BOWDEN
Come on. What B-movie set did you steal that from?

BALTHAZAR
Oh I assure you it’s quite real. This has the effect of rendering the victim extremely susceptible to suggestion. For example:

SFX: HypnoRay!

BALTHAZAR
Sing Swanee for me!

BOWDEN (Sings)
Way down upon the Swanee River...

BALTHAZAR
Gary, was Bowden really first choice for the Vampire Hunters movie?

SFX: HypnoRay!

GARY
First choice? HA! NOT EVEN CLOSE! He only got it after BOTH Gyllenhaals passed.

BOWDEN
Ouch.

BALTHAZAR
Now tell me...where are your EMF compatriots?

GLORIA
So deeply embedded undercover in the film festival, you’ll never track them down.

SFX: Hypno. Ray.

GLORIA
But we can lead you right to them!

BALTHAZAR
Alright, lead the way. But in a CONGA line!

ALL
Conga! La la la la la LA! La la la la la LA!

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. THE STREETS OF CANNES - NIGHT

MUSIC: Dark, Lynchian jazz.

SKIP
Remember, McGrath, follow David Lynch at a discrete distance.

MACKENZIE
Where the hell could he be going? The further we get from the film festival the more disquieting this neighborhood gets.

SKIP
Look like he and Marcus went into that brasserie, come on.

SFX: They open the door.

INT. CAFE SILENCIO - CONTINUOUS

MUSIC: A dark, unsettling rumble.

SKIP
I don’t see them anywhere! But that’s impossible, they just came in!

MACKENZIE
Ask the host.

SKIP
Which one is the host?

MACKENZIE
The one with a rabbit head. I presume.

SKIP
Pardonnez-moi, monsieur lapin.

HOST (Whispered)
Bonjour.

SKIP (Regular volume)
Bonjour. We’re looking for -

HOST
Silencio.

SKIP
Pardon?

HOST
Silencio.

SKIP (Whispered)
We’re looking for the two men who just came in here.

MACKENZIE (Whispered)
And possibly some cheese...

HOST
No hay queso. There is no cheese.

MACKENZIE
Why is he speaking Spanish?

HOST
It is all an illusion.

MACKENZIE
I don’t see Lynch. Maybe he went to the restroom.

HOST (Backwards Forwards)
Employees only!

SFX: The host violently coughs.

HOST
Forgive me, I had some creamed corn stuck in my throat.

SKIP
McGrath! Look, it’s Lynch! He’s going between those red curtains. Let’s go.

HOST
Garmonbozia!

SFX: McGrath and Skip head off through the curtains. They struggle.

MACKENZIE
What the hell? What kind of weirdo makes a hallway out of curtains?

SKIP
McGrath! Where are you? I can’t see anything - and my leg is all tangled up in these curtains!

MACKENZIE
Jesus, Skip, come on, they’re just curtains! An animal could walk through them without getting tangled.

SKIP
I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! I AM A HUMAN BEING!

SFX: Skip struggles in the curtains, finally untangling himself and then falling down a flight of stairs.

MARCUS
David, why is there an actor on my floor?

DAVID LYNCH
Marcus Carols, give Bowden Montcrief the glad hand. Bowden has his own M.O. Modus Operandi.

SKIP
I landed on my keys.

MACKENZIE
Oh, Skip.

DAVID LYNCH
There are many mysteries in life. Such as why are Bowden Montcrief and his beautiful assistant following me to my secret editing room?

MACKENZIE
I’ve got a better question. What is David Lynch doing with the creator of the Genesis device?

DAVID LYNCH
Monkeys.

MACKENZIE
Nope. Lost me.

DAVID LYNCH
Monkeys. Monkeys in everything. Show ‘em, Marcus.

MARCUS
It would be my pleasure. Friends, welcome to the Genesis Cave, a secret film lab beneath Mr. Lynch’s private cafe. From here, my dream of redefining the classics can live on - and Mr. Lynch has taken it to levels I never dreamed of. May I present...CASABLANCA!

SFX: A film projector starts up.

BOGART (ON SCREEN)
If that plane leaves and you’re not on it, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon - and for the rest of your life.

SFX: Instead of Ingrid Bergman, a monkey SQUEALS!

MARCUS
The Empire Strikes Back

DARTH VADER (ON SCREEN)
Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

LUKE SKYWALKER (ON SCREEN)
(Monkey Scream)

DARTH VADER (ON SCREEN)
I am you father.

LUKE SKYWALKER (ON SCREEN)
(Monkey Scream)

MACKENZIE
You monsters!

DAVID LYNCH
Art, McGrath. It’s a beautiful thing. So, so beautiful.

SFX: The curtains open.

BALTHAZAR
And soon it will be mine!

SKIP
Balthazar Montcrief!

BALTHAZAR
DOPPELGÄNGER!

SKIP
Huh?

SFX: Bowden, Gloria, Gary and Annie conga in.

BOWDEN
CONGA!

DAVID LYNCH
HOLY JUMPING GEORGE! There’s two Bowdens!

GARY
Whichever one has a goatee is the evil one! As we say in the agency business.

BALTHAZAR
No. Wait. I know a SnapFace mask when I see one. Kovak, rip that face off!

SFX: Gloria grabs Skip and rips off the mask.

SKIP
Gloria, no! What are you...oh phooey.

GLORIA
I’m so sorry Skip. He’s got control of our heads. He made us do things...terrible things.

MARCUS
My God! He replaced his face with another one! IN REAL LIFE! It’s my dream come true.

DAVID LYNCH
I wish I had my camera!

ANNIE
Shoot it with your phone!

DAVID LYNCH
You think that’s cinema? On a <BLEEPING> telephone? Geat real. Such a sadness.

SKIP
How did you all find us, anyway?

GLORIA
Pat put a tracker in Miss McGrath’s chocolate chip cookies.

MACKENZIE
Pat, you blood sucker!

BALTHAZAR
Enough! At last, I shall be revenged upon all of my enemies. My brother. My agent. The appallingly altruistic EMF. Film critics and brainless audiences the world over and finally, and perhaps most satisfyingly of all...David Lynch.

DAVID LYNCH
What did I do?

BALTHAZAR
Inland Empire.

DAVID LYNCH
Fair.

BALTHAZAR
Now step aside, peons!

SFX: HypnoRay! Everyone GROANS and steps aside.

BALTHAZAR
Dr. Carols, begin the Genesis countdown.

MARCUS
Who am I putting in?

BALTHAZAR
Me.

MARCUS
And what’s my target?

BALTHAZAR
Everything.

SFX: Everyone gasps.

MARCUS
Every film...ever?

BALTHAZAR
Yes.

MARCUS
You’re a madman, Montcrief. But so am I, so that works out. The only thing is...I better lower the transparent aluminum chamber.

SFX: A transparent aluminum wall lowers.

BOWDEN
Transparent aluminum?

MARCUS
Needed for protection. When active, the Genesis device generates terrible levels of radiation.

MACKENZIE
WHY?

MARCUS
As I said, I’m quite mad. Begin the countdown!

SFX: The Genesis device begins its horrible processes.

BOWDEN
Balthazar, stop this! This isn’t what you want! You love the movies too much...you can’t erase the greats...Brando, DiNiro, Pauly Shore. You can’t be threatened by them. Because…you’re...too good an actor.

BALTHAZAR
At last. All these years. You’ve finally admitted it.

BOWDEN
YES. Alright, fine, yes. You’re a good actor...that’s what this has all really been about. It’s me you want. Well. You can have me. Turn this thing off and you can replace me in all my films.

GLORIA
Bowden!

BALTHAZAR
Everything? Abbot & Costello: Vampire Hunters?

BOWDEN
Done.

BALTHAZAR
Pastanado?

BOWDEN
Now starring you.

BALTHAZAR
Even...Acquaintances?

BOWDEN (Deep breath)
Yes.

BALTHAZAR
Bowden, to see you humble yourself before me. It has made my victory complete. Thank you, baby brother.

BOWDEN
So you’ll stop this madness?

BALTHAZAR
Of course not! I’ll replace you AND every other actor in the world! Stream it all on Balthazar MAX! And now you, brother dear, are going to march back upstairs and award my film the Palm d’Or!

SFX: HypnoRay! But...something is different. It’s weak.

BALTHAZAR
Why aren’t you marching?

BOWDEN
Your stupid ray gun didn’t work!

MARCUS
The radiation must be interfering.

BOWDEN
Gary, how much did my brother make for Lord Nero?

GARY
I’d never rat out a client’s salary!

ANNIE
WE’RE FREE!

GLORIA
Grab him!

SFX: Team EMF lunge at Balthazar when suddenly - Sparks, rumbles. Something is wrong with the machine.

MARCUS
I don’t think this was such a good idea. The machine can’t handle the stress. She’s going to fly apart!

BALTHAZAR
Fly her apart then!

MARCUS
Don’t be a fool. I’m getting out of here!

SFX: Marcus runs away.

BALTHAZAR
I’m not leaving until my face is on every frame of film ever made!

BOWDEN
Get ready for your close up.

SFX: Bowden clocks Balthazar right in the face and he goes down.

MACKENZIE
Gang, he wasn’t kidding. This thing is generating an insane amount of radiation. If we don’t shut it down - the explosion could take out all of Cannes. Everyone at the festival...the entire city is in danger.

GLORIA
How do we shut it off?

MACKENZIE
The device is just hot wired into the editing bay - we should be able to just rip it out. But...I don’t know what kind of radiation Carols was working with! We have to assume going in the chamber would be fatal!

GLORIA
I’m going in. I got you all killed in my training - I won’t let it happen again.

SKIP
Gloria, no! Sacrificing yourself is not an option here. We can get out. All of us.

BOWDEN
But then the machine would finish the job. Put Balthazar into all those movies...

DAVID LYNCH
The Congressman’s Dilemma!

ANNIE
SHUT UP, YOU WEIRDO!

BOWDEN
Gloria, get everyone above ground. Try to get the film festival people to evacuate the area in case I can’t shut down Genesis.

GLORIA
No, Bowden, I won’t leave you!

SFX: The EMF agents bicker lovingly with themselves, Annie berates Lynch’s weirdness, and then...

GARY
All those actors erased...all those agent commissions...gone! The line must be drawn here and no further!

SFX: He opens the chamber. Everyone stops and gasps.

BOWDEN
GARY!

GARY
Sorry gang, an agent’s gotta do what an agent’s gotta do!

MACKENZIE
You'll never make it! You gotta go in, open that glass cover, pull out the device -

GARY
BOFFO! SOCKO!

SFX: He shuts the chamber door behind him.

DAVID LYNCH
HOLY MOSES!

SFX: Gary smashes the glass open with his fist.

MACKENZIE
Now rip out that black box from the console!

GARY (ON COMMS)
BOFFO! SOCKO!

SFX: He pulls out the Genesis Device. There is a terrible surge of power, a bright flash of light and then the machine whirls down and powers off. Bowden runs up to the chamber.

BOWDEN
Gary, I’m coming!

MACKENZIE
You’ll flood the whole compartment!

SKIP
It’s radioactive in there, Bowden, you can’t open the door. Use the comms.

SFX: Bowden activates his comms.

BOWDEN
Gary? Gary? Can you hear me?

GARY (ON COMMS) (Weak)
Films...out of danger?

BOWDEN
You saved the films. You saved us all.

GARY (ON COMMS)
Don’t grieve, Bowden baby. It is logical. The royalties of the outweigh...

BOWDEN
...the royalties of the few.

GARY (ON COMMS)
Or the one.

BOWDEN
Oh, Gary.

GARY (ON COMMS) (His last breath)
I have been and always shall be...your agent. Work long and prosper.

BOWDEN
No...

GLORIA
Oh God. Bowden, I’m so sorry.

BOWDEN
Of all the agents I have encountered in my travels...he was the most...human.

SFX: The chamber door opens and out walks Gary.

GARY
Thanks.

BOWDEN
GARY?

GARY
I just remembered. This suit is lead lined! Gift from Balthazar on Oscar night.

BOWDEN
Boffo, Gary! Socko, Gary!

SKIP
Alright, everybody - let’s head topside. Bowden, take care of your brother. Gloria, call Section Anders and tell her we’ve taken Balthazar back into EMF custody. McGrath, Annie, help Gary get some medical attention.

MACKENZIE
And...

SKIP
Yes, and some cheese, McGrath.

MACKENZIE
Yesss.

SKIP
Mr. Lynch, will you give me a hand packing up the Genesis device?

DAVID LYNCH
You got it, chief!

SFX: Everyone starts to go.

SKIP
See you in a moment.

SFX: They’re gone.

SKIP
Alright, “David Lynch,” tell me who you really are.

DAVID LYNCH
What’s that?

SKIP
You called McGrath by her real name. But I introduced you to her as Madame LeFeu.

DAVID LYNCH
Huh. How about that.

SKIP
And besides, I also know a SnapFace mask when I see one.

DAVID LYNCH
Well, bless your heart...

SFX: Mask rips off.

CHET
...Skip.

SKIP
Chet Phillips!

CHET
I’m gonna need you to hand Genesis over to me, Skipper.

SKIP
Absolutely. Just tell me what kind of swim trunks penguin wear.

CHET
What?

SKIP
EMF Regulation 623, subsection two - do not hand over classified assets without code word confirmation. What kind of swim trunks do penguins wear?

CHET
Tux-speedos.

SKIP
Excellent. Here you go! I can’t tell you how relieved I am you’re up to date on my code newsletters. I hadn’t seen you in so long, it could have been a major risk just -

SFX: Chet’s walkie goes off.

DAVIN FORD (ON WALKIE)
Blue Velvet, this is Wild at Heart. Do you copy?

SKIP
Was that...Davin Ford?

CHET
Don’t be ridiculous.

DAVIN FORD (ON WALKIE)
God I hate code names. This is Davin Ford. Phillips, answer your damn walkie.

CHET
God damn it, Ford.

SKIP
Agent Phillips?

CHET
Sorry, Skipper.

SFX: Chet slugs Skip, who crumbles like a coffee cake.

CHET
I really am.

SFX: Chet runs off. Skip moans groggily.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. THE STREETS OF CANNES - NIGHT

SFX: An ambulance is pulling away.

GLORIA
They think Gary is going to be just fine. They’re taking him to the hospital just to be safe. French healthcare!

BOWDEN
What a hero. Best agent in the world! How’s Annie?

BALTHAZAR (Mocking)
How’s Annie? How’s Annie? How’s Annie? How’s Annie?

BOWDEN
OH SHUT UP.

SFX: Bowden knocks out Balthazar.

GLORIA
Oh, Bowden. You know what? You were the REAL hero in there. You were ready to give everything that was most important to you - your films and tv shows.

BOWDEN
Those are just things, Gloria. Even if Balthazar had succeeded, I still would have had my memories. And the knowledge that I am absolutely the better actor.

GLORIA
Oh absolutely.

BOWDEN
Besides, you want to know what’s actually most important to me? You. Take away my career and I still have everything I need.

GLORIA
Oh, Bowden.

BOWDEN
In fact, as I stood on the brink of watching my entire career erased, I realized I was fine with losing my films...but I don’t want to lose you. Gloria Kovak...will you marry me?

GLORIA
Oh my God, Bowden! I...

SFX: McGrath runs up.

MACKENZIE
Bowden!

BOWDEN
I don’t care about cheese, McGrath!

MACKENZIE
The Cannes jury met without you while we were dealing with Balthazar - they’ve named the Palm d’Or winner!

GLORIA
Umm, Miss McGrath, maybe -

MACKENZIE
They gave it to Too Tall To Fail! Your brother’s movie won!

BOWDEN
CAAAAAAAAAAAAANES!

MUSIC: END TITLES

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Child Star and Annie Willmont
and Bob Killion as Newscaster Steve, Gary and The Admiral

Guest Starring
David S. Dear as Terry Millionaire
Dave Serfass as Pierre
John Dowgin as Marcus Carols
J. Michael DeAngelis as David Lynch and Davin Ford
and Pete Barry as Club Silencio Host

Music by Pete Barry.

Sound editing and mixing by John Dowign.

Do you realize that Paramount Plus is never, ever going to put the resources into properly remastering Star Trek Deep Space Nine into glorious high definition? Cheap skates. Don't give them a dime of your money. Why not join our Patreon instead? For five dollars a month, you can get a bonus audio exclusive to Patreon members. Visit www.missionrejected.com/support for more details. It is the will of the prophets.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2023 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

MUSIC FADES.

INT. TERRY MILLIONAIRE’S OFFICE

SFX: A cozy fire. An electronic buzz and then a door opens. Chet enters.

CHET
Terry Millionaire. We finally meet.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Agent Phillips, a pleasure! Please, sit down and join me for a drink. I’m enjoying a particularly rare Icelandic Claret. It has a truly enchanting musk. You must sniff it.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
You must have some! I hope it’s a watery vintage!

CHET
Yes, well, maybe some other time. Just wanted to drop off the goods.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Ah, the Genesis device. Thank you. You did remarkable work. I can’t tell you how embarrassed I am that I was taken in by Balthazar Montcrief’s fake rehabilitation.

CHET
Never trust an actor. Anyway, glad to be of service. Perhaps now that you’ve seen what I can do...you can bring me inside? Surely I’m of more use to you than playing jail keeper to Athena.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
About that...

SFX: Terry hits an intercom.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Davin, will you please bring Ms. O’Brien in here?

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Uh oh.

CHET
What?

SFX: Another buzz. Door opens and the crew shuffles in.

CHET
Athena! How surprising to see that you've escaped from your cell and yet DIDN'T TRY TO BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND LIKE SOME PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED YOU TO.

ATHENA
I'll always like to keep people guessing, Chetty.

DAVIN FORD
Terry, can’t you see they are playing you?

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
QUIET. All three of you. I had hoped that bringing together three of the sharpest minds in the intelligence world would have fostered cooperation, but so be it. From this moment on you should consider yourselves in direct competition.

ATHENA
For what?

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
For the very soul of this organization.

SFX: Athena, Chet, Davin and The Admiral all laugh.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Hmm. I had hoped that would land more dramatically. No matter. I am tired of waiting for the EMF to collapse. It’s time to escalate our plans. Whoever can hoist the EMF on their own petard...gets to run this organization.

CHET
If you haven’t noticed, and I grant you it defies all logic, Skip Granger runs a tight team. They’ve captured Ford and Athena in the past. They can’t be hoisted easily.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Then you are authorized to use any means necessary.

SFX: A chilly silence.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Now THAT was dramatic.

MUSIC: STINGER

MYSTERIOUS VOICE
Judy.