Season Four, Episode Ten: “CRAWDADDY”
TRANSCRIPT
INT. ZELDA’S HOUSE - DAY
Skip and McGrath sit with Zelda.
SKIP
This is big, Zelda. Athena O’Brien didn’t instigate the jailbreak from our supermax.
MCGRATH
And the code came directly from TerryCorp chips!
ZELDA
Yes... and those chips are embedded throughout our facility’s infrastructure.
MCGRATH
Damn, now I want chips.
SKIP
Steady, McGrath, we will stop by Wegman’s later. Zelda, I think you’ll agree this theory of McGrath’s should be treated with the utmost seriousness. We need to be very careful who we share this information with.
The door swings open.
PAT
Agent Granger, do you want to take some cookies with you when you go?
SKIP
Oh, thank you Pat, but -
MCGRATH
YES. What kind?
SKIP
...yes, thank you, please.
MCGRATH
Chocolate chips?
PAT
What else? I’ll pack a bag!
She goes.
SKIP
I feel terrible keeping this from Pat, Zelda, but even the CIA may be compromised.
ZELDA
Can you prove all of this?
MCGRATH
I can prove Terry Millionaire’s company was involved.
ZELDA
That’s a bold accusation to make against a beloved American entrepreneur.
MCGRATH
Don’t go all corporate-lover on me here, Z! The guy’s a billionaire! Never trust a billionaire! You’ve seen Succession!
ZELDA
You dated a billionaire.
MCGRATH
Hey! We never put labels on it!
SKIP
Chief, the evidence is solid. But we have to look into this to see how deep this rabbit hole goes!
ZELDA
All right. McGrath, look into these chips and this code. And Skip - you’re right. Nobody else can know this, it’s too volatile. Not Gloria or Bowden, not Pat, not anyone. We’ll tell them when the time is right.
SKIP
Well, yes, it’s extremely delicate, but the rest of our team should maybe -
ZELDA
That’s an order, Agent.
SKIP
... I understand.
Pat comes back in.
PAT
Got your cookies!
MCGRATH
Thank you, Pat.
(chomping)
See you at the office, Z.
ZELDA
Again, Skip - remember what I said. No one else.
SKIP
Got it, Section Chief!
They go. Zelda pushes a button on her phone - BEEP.
ZELDA
Did you hear all of that?
QUICK TRANSITION TO
INT. DARK EMF HQ
CHET
I heard it, Chief. I gotta say, it fits. I mean, I don’t trust Athena farther than I can throw her - and I have thrown her.
ZELDA (ON COMMS)
I don’t want to know under what context.
CHET
But still, she claims she’s innocent. If she had broken every prisoner out of EMF jail right under Skip’s nose, she’d be throwing that in our faces.
ZELDA (ON COMMS)
Then someone else working for Millionaire did it.
CHET
I think we know who.
ZELDA (ON COMMS)
Davin Ford was working for Whitmire. But I don’t think Secretary Whitmire is so far gone he’d allow a jailbreak -
CHET
Ford is a mercenary, he works for whoever pays him! Millionaire got Ford into that supermax to stage the jailbreak so Whitmire would shut down the EMF!
ZELDA (ON COMMS)
It’s... possible. Whitmire is on the verge of shutting us down. You have to throw a wrench into Millionaire’s operation, Chet. Now.
CHET
I’ll do my best, Chief. Say hi to Pat.
Beep.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Oh well. At the end of our rope, aren’t we?
CHET
Shut up.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Davin Ford is watching you like a hawk, and you have no access to the sensitive areas of this base. You can’t even lock down its location! You have no allies. Even Quinn Corrino suspects you and could turn on you at any moment. You have no options left, my friend.
CHET
Yes I do.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
And what would that be?
Chet stops: behind a thick door he hears Athena roaring in frustration.
CHET
...they’re keeping a wild animal locked up. Let’s see how they fare when I let her out of her cage.
The Admrial LAUGHS as Athena continues to ROAR!
THEME MUSIC!
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world's most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: Crawdaddy.
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
The usual beeps and boops. The door opens and Bowden, McGrath, and Gloria walk in.
BOWDEN
...so could I use the Snapface on a turtle?
MCGRATH
No. Well, maybe...
BOWDEN
Live action reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, here I come!
SFX: The door bursts open again and Skip rushes in.
SKIP
(panting)
Team! We have a mission.
MCGRATH
Yeah, Skip, we know. That’s why we’re here.
SKIP
(panting)
No! The goatherds worked it out, that one’s cancelled. This... wooh we have long hallways.
BOWDEN
I’ve been telling you to take Deep Breathing for the Stage for years now. If I bring a friend, I get a discount.
GLORIA
Just take a moment, Skip. We’ll wait.
SFX: Skip takes a minute to breathe.
BOWDEN
So did you guys hear? They’re making a Twilight musical!
SKIP
(still catching his breath)
Is that... good news?
GLORIA
Yeah, I can’t tell from your tone.
BOWDEN
It’s TERRIBLE news. It’s going to directly compete with my upcoming film, Abbott and Costello: Vampire Hunters!
MCGRATH
My guess is those two films have slightly different target audiences, Bowden.
BOWDEN
I wouldn’t be so sure. The vampire fans just want more, they don’t care how they get it.
SKIP
Okay, I’m good. Team, we have a new mission. Gloria, do you have the slide projector?
GLORIA
Oh, yes! I took it in for a detailing over the weekend.
SFX: She powers it up. Skip gasps.
SKIP
Oh my gosh. She’s beautiful! Gloria, our relationship is kind of like a game of tag: sometimes you just get me. Alright, let me get the new slides. I just printed them - that’s where I was, a last minute run to Kinko’s.
BOWDEN
Did you give Emmett my message?
SKIP
No! I told you, it would be rude enough to give him one middle finger, let alone two!
GLORIA
Yes, and it’s not his fault you’re banned for jamming all the copiers.
BOWDEN
When Greta Gerwig asks for your headshot, you send it immediately. I still think I would have made a better Ken than the hack they went with.
MCGRATH
Ryan Gosling?
BOWDEN
I DON’T CONCERN MYSELF WITH THE NAMES OF HACKS.
SKIP
Focus up team! Now, first I want to introduce you all to the Legionnaire’s Society.
SFX: Click.
MCGRATH
What’s that?
SKIP
It’s one of the oldest fraternal social orders in the United States. It was founded in 1714 by the wealthiest and most elite families in the south. Originally, it was a way of combating smuggling and illegal trade deals out of the Gulf of Mexico to protect their...business interests. Now the group gets together every few months for golf tournaments and regattas.
MCGRATH
You could have just said it was Ron DeSantis’s Pinterest board.
GLORIA
It sounds very annoying Skip, but I don’t see a mission here yet.
SKIP
That’s because I haven’t introduced you to its president.
SFX: Slide click.
BOWDEN
A Robert E. Lee impersonator? I wonder if that’s SAG.
GLORIA
Robert E. Lee definitely wasn’t Union. Haha! Double meaning!
SKIP
No, our target just happens to look exactly like an oil painting of a Civil War general. His family roots go all the way back to when his ancestors settled in the deep south in 1682.
GLORIA
How deep are we talking? Virginia?
SKIP
Deeper.
BOWDEN
Georgia? That’d work out for me, I didn’t get the chance to tour the World of Coca-Cola when I was filming Kit Harrington’s cooking show: A Song of Salt & Pepper.
SKIP
Deeper.
MCGRATH
Not Florida. Not again.
SKIP
No, thank goodness for all our sakes.
BOWDEN
What’s the guy’s name?
SKIP
Augustus Baxter Bailey.
GLORIA
Oh wow, so he’s OLD south.
SKIP
Yes, Louisiana in fact! Now, Bailey works as the CEO of his family’s company, the premiere exporter of sassafras in the world, headquartered in New Orleans. But lately he’s been expanding, buying up every major construction company in the city’s surrounding areas.
BOWDEN
Ah! He’s trying to create a real estate bubble! Right? Maybe? I don’t know, I still don’t really understand how the housing market crashed. I refuse to watch the Big Short after Selena Gomez stole my part.
SKIP
Not quite. See, the real smoking gun that caught our eye was Bailey’s sudden interest in the Air, Space, & Meteorological Department at Stanford University. He’s been exchanging emails back and forth with them for months, inquiring about a program called the Zeus Protocol.
BOWDEN
Dibs on the movie rights!
GLORIA
You don’t even know what it is yet!
BOWDEN
But it sounds cool.
SKIP
It is! According to their patent registration, the Zeus Protocol mechanizes seismographic and barometric manipulation and its effects on precipitative and atmospheric conditions.
MCGRATH
Um. Translation?
GLORIA
Bailey wants to control the weather.
SKIP
Correct.
GLORIA
I guess if I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe the sound of rain really helps him sleep?
BOWDEN
Or maybe he’s trying to start his own X-Men! I mean, come on, given the choice, we’d all be Storm right?
General assent from the group.
SKIP
The stated goal of Stanford’s research is aiding in drought relief and catastrophic weather events. Wildfires. Tsunamis. Monsoons...
GLORIA
But, if they could prevent these weather events, they could probably just as easily trigger them too!
SKIP
Exactly. Now, this power alone raises alarms. But Bailey’s sudden interest in real estate construction and development in the southern Louisiana area is the one-two punch.
MCGRATH
He could create his own hurricanes, destroy the city, and then everyone would have no choice but to shell out a ton of cash for him to fix the problem he created!
GLORIA
And in New Orleans of all places! How can he do that? Haven’t they been through enough?
BOWDEN
Seems to me that’s the genius of it. No one will raise so much as an eyebrow if New Orleans gets hit by a massive storm every four months.
SKIP
Unless we stop it, which we’re going to. Our intel suggests that Stanford officially transferred their prototype machine to Bailey for beta testing. He could start using it any time, so we need to act fast.
MCGRATH
So what’s our play here?
SKIP
We need to know where he’s hiding his prototype so we can track it down. We need proof. Cold, hard proof. I’m not talking soft serve. I’m talking slow churned ice cream. The store-brand kind that come in those giant translucent tubs.
GLORIA
Well now I want ice cream.
SKIP
We all do Gloria. We all do. But, it’ll have to wait. We’re going to infiltrate the Legionnaire Society’s annual secret gala tomorrow and get Bailey to tell us where he’s hiding his machine so we can destroy it before he has the opportunity to use it.
MCGRATH
You had me at ‘destroy’.
SKIP
Bowden, you’ll be going as Thaddeus Marceaux, another member of the Society and Bailey’s longtime legal representative in most of his business dealings in New Orleans. Think you have it covered?
BOWDEN (SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Just call me the Craw-Daddy.
SKIP
According to Marceaux’s iCal, he’s out of town on vacation. But you’ll claim to have come back early. As Bailey’s confidante, we’re hoping he’ll speak openly to you and reveal where he’s stashed the machine. I’ll be going as a member of the jazz band in case you need quick back up.
MCGRATH
The jazz band? Wait, what instrument?
SKIP
I played the flute in high school!
MCGRATH
You’re a flute player?
SKIP
Flautist!
MCGRATH
Oh, Skip.
SKIP
And Lizzo plays the flute! It’s cool now!
MCGRATH
If it’s really cool, why did Jethro Tull break up?
GLORIA
What will Ms. McGrath and I be doing?
SKIP
I uh-- well, I thought it would be best to spread out our resources. So you and McGrath will check out Bailey’s private office while he’s at the event to see if he left any evidence there.
MCGRATH
His office? Doesn’t that kind of feel like a long shot? We should probably be at the event too in case someone needs to run interference.
SKIP
Oh no, no need for that! Don’t worry, it’ll be boring and uh... you’ll have more fun at his office.
Beat.
GLORIA
Skip?
SKIP
Yes?
GLORIA
The Legionnaire’s Society doesn’t allow women in, does it?
SKIP
(sigh)
No.
MCGRATH
Are you kidding!? Okay, now we’re definitely taking these assholes down.
SKIP
Just one member for now, McGrath. We need to save the New Orleans troposphere first. Then we can focus on antiquated discriminatory institutions!
GLORIA
Darn! I look great in a tux.
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
EXT. BOURBON STREET
The sounds of the jazzy streets of New Orleans.
SKIP
Here we are, team! New Orleans! Also known as the Birthplace of Jazz.
GLORIA
The Big Easy!
BOWDEN
The Hollywood South!
SKIP
The City That Care Forgot!
GLORIA
The Paris of the South!
BOWDEN
N’awlins!
SKIP
Crawfish Town!
MCGRATH
This place has too many nicknames.
SKIP
More specifically, we find ourselves in the historic French Quarter. On Bourbon Street!
BOWDEN
Well, don’t mind if I do!
SKIP
Sorry to disappoint, Bowden. But Bourbon Street is actually named after the Bourbon regency in France based on its history, not because of an influx of whiskey.
BOWDEN
I count four bars on this block alone. I’ll make do.
GLORIA
My question is, McGrath, are you carrying around an engraved baseball bat with your initials on it?
MCGRATH
Like it? Dr. Wiles made it for me. Her name is Babe Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
GLORIA
But, why?
MCGRATH
Look, I don’t take kindly to my Cheetos being confiscated. Especially during a layover in Topeka. And if it happens again, with Babe Ruth Bader Ginsburg I’ll be able to defend my property!
SFX: The crinkling of a Cheetos bag
BOWDEN
McGrath, you’ll get these Cheetos back once you’ve learned how to use a napkin instead of my goldenrod copy of Abbott and Costello: Vampire Hunters! Page 48 looks like the cast of The Jersey Shore used it to dry off after a spray tan!
SKIP
Focus up, team! We need to get to the speakeasy where the secret gala is being held early so I can set up with the band and so Bowden can get a feel for the space.
MCGRATH
G and I will head over to Bailey’s office and see what we can find. We’ll keep you posted.
GLORIA
Let’s take a streetcar!
BOWDEN
Named Desire?
MCGRATH
I hate you all.
BOWDEN
STELLAAAAAAA!
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
EXT. A STREET CAR - A BIT LATER
SFX: The sounds of a street car trundling along, the chatter of a few passengers.
MCGRATH
...I just think there’s no way Legrange isn’t hiding inside the Winchester Mystery House.
GLORIA
Interesting! I always pegged her for a fake-Eiffel-Tower-in-Vegas type.
SFX: A cell phone rings.
MCGRATH
Hang on... oh. It’s Philippe.
GLORIA
Philippe? Your billionaire ex-boyfriend?
MCGRATH
Hey, he was never actually my boyfriend! What do you think he wants?
GLORIA
Hmm... if only there were some way to find out.
MCGRATH
I don’t like sarcasm on you.
GLORIA
It’s important to learn new skills.
MCGRATH
Gimme a sec.
SFX: McGrath turns away. A BEEP as she answers.
MCGRATH
Hello?
PHILIPPE (PHONE)
Maggie! Wonderful to hear your lovely voice. Is that the sounds of Crescent City I hear?
MCGRATH
Don’t worry about it. Did you need something?
PHILIPPE
I wouldn’t dare take much of your time. Just a quick question-- what didn’t you like about me?
MCGRATH
What?
PHILIPPE
Well, you ended our dalliance quite suddenly. So I’m curious to know why? Was there something you were looking for that I was not?
MCGRATH
Look, do we have to do this? We had a nice time. Let’s let that be the end of it and just move on.
PHILIPPE
Oh no, don’t misunderstand me! This is not a post mortem and I’m not trying to win you back. We have parted ways and I am content with that - I just want to know what I can improve for next time. Just think of it as an exit survey - always a good business practice. So, what was wrong with me?
MCGRATH
..uh oh, I’m going into a tunnel.
PHILLIPE
What was that?
MCGRATH
You’re breaking up! Ahhh--SHSHSHSHSH...
(McGrath makes fuzzy white noise radio sounds. For a WHILE. It’s gratuitous)
SFX: BEEP. McGrath hangs up. An awkward beat.
GLORIA
So.... nice tunnel.
MCGRATH
Thanks.
SFX: Another awkward beat.
GLORIA
Are you seriously not going to tell me what that was about?!
MCGRATH
Nope.
GLORIA
Rats.
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. SPEAKEASY
SFX: The sounds of an early party getting underway.
SKIP
Say, this place is pretty swanky. It’s the perfect mix of deathly dungeon and turn of the century French breakfast parlour. I guess that’s New Orleans for you.
BOWDEN
So Skip, this fellow I’m playing. How southern should I be? Like... what are we talking?
SKIP
Pretty southern... but stick to noncontroversial topics like the weather and Tom Hanks.
BOWDEN
One Jimmy Carter coming up.
SKIP
Now, I’d better go check in onstage. I’ll catch up with you after.
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
SKIP
What do you mean the rest of the band isn’t here??
MANAGER
Yeah, it seems like the rest of the Sassafras and Ambrosia Musical Experience got sick from eating some bad sassafras and ambrosia.
SKIP
What?!?
MANAGER
Ain’t that a kick in the head? Well, guess it’s just you tonight.
SKIP
Don’t you think we should maybe call in a DJ? Or I have my Zune if you have the cables.
MANAGER
Oh no, Mr. Bailey was very firm. Live music is essential for the ideal socializing ambiance. Guess he ain’t never been to a LSU basement party. But if you don’t play, you’ll be in breach of contract and under arrest.
SKIP
WHAT!?
MANAGER
I’m just kidding. You will have to leave though, your attendance is contingent on your performance. Good luck.
(under his breath)
Bless his heart.
SFX: He walks away.
SKIP
Oh my goodness... I was counting on hiding my high school skills behind the expertise of professionals! But I guess I don’t have a choice. I’ll just have to give these Southern Samuels a musical experience they’ll never forget!
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
SFX: The sounds of a cocktail hour underway. Glasses clinking and people chattering.
SKIP (JAZZY VOICE OVER A MIC)
Well you cool cats, kittens, and chameleons, glad to see you getting sauced and feeling bossed. I’ll be your musical guide through the ocean of this evening’s music, rocking you to sleep on the smooth sounds of my jazz. In the meantime, I just want to shout out our host this evening, Mr. Augustus Baxter Bailey over there by the bar right now, right between the decorative elephant figurine and the genie lamp. Anyway, I call this improvisation File Folder Wonderland.
SFX: A smooth jazz flute melody plays. It’s clearly derivative of Go Tell Aunt Rhodie. But also... kind of good!
BOWDEN
(focusing up)
Alright, Bowden, there’s your mark. You can do this. You’ve stood your ground against not one, not two, but THREE Hollywood Chris’s! The other... well, we don’t talk about that. But! You’re dashing, debonair, and distinguished. Just like Rian Johnson said to me about the role of Disgruntled Mailman in his next Knives Out movie: you got this.
SFX: Bowden walks over to Bailey.
BOWDEN (SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Well hey there Augustus. It’s been a while. Lovely evening you’ve put together.
SFX: Bailey lets out a small yelp.
BAILEY
(terror underneath his anger)
Rolling thunder and grits! Wha--! How!? HOW!? How are you here??
BOWDEN (AS MARCEAUX)
Because of my trip to the Maldives? Well I came back early! You know, planes and stuff. I couldn’t miss a night of bourbon, billiards, and complaining about how they’re taking all the good statues down.
BAILEY
You get out of here or... you’ll regret it!
SFX: Bailey rushes away.
BOWDEN
Hm. Just like Rian Johnson said to me after I turned down the role of Disgruntled Mailman and suggested I replace Daniel Craig.
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. OFFICE
SFX: A door creaks open and footsteps as Gloria and McGrath sneak into the office.
GLORIA
Okay, looks like the coast is clear. We need to work quickly and look for anything that seems suspicious.
MCGRATH
I mean there’s a bust of Andrew Jackson right there. I have my Babe Ruth Bader Ginsburg here, I could... look inside.
SFX: McGrath smacks the bat in her hand.
GLORIA
Why did you even bring that thing?
MCGRATH
Skip said ‘destroy’. I come prepared, sue me.
GLORIA
Let’s just look around for now.
SFX: A crash!
MCGRATH
Whoops.
GLORIA
McGrath!
MCGRATH
Oh look, another Jackson statue. Stonewall Jackson.
SFX: Smash!
GLORIA
Stop it!
MCGRATH
I don’t know who this guy is, but I don’t like his face.
SFX: Crash!
GLORIA
What the heck, McGrath? You did it on purpose!
MCGRATH
You can’t prove that.
GLORIA
I saw you.
MCGRATH
...so?
GLORIA
Ms. McGrath, get it together! You have been grumpier than usual ever since that weird phone call on the trolley. I don’t know what it was, but this is not how an EMF agent is supposed to conduct themselves on official business!
MCGRATH
Good thing I’m not actually an EMF agent.
GLORIA
I know. For some reason, you keep avoiding the exam. I just assumed you were nervous, but now I’m starting to think it’s because you like fomenting chaos!
MCGRATH
Me? Never.
GLORIA
This is serious business, you need to stop being such a-...
MCGRATH
A what?
GLORIA
A ne’er do well!
MCGRATH
Wow, sick burn, G.
GLORIA
I just mean, to become a real agent, you’re going to have to start acting like one.
MCGRATH
Well... maybe I don’t want to be a real agent.
GLORIA
WHAT!? Then why-- we put a lot of effort into training you. Skip made fourteen hundred flash cards, for goodness sake! Obviously you can do what you want, but you can’t drag it out forever. At some point you’re either going to either have to... urinate or vacate the commode.
MCGRATH
(realizing)
You mean “piss or get off the pot”?
GLORIA
Not during work hours, I don’t!
MCGRATH
Look, I’ll... get to it. I’ve just been busy being the only person on the team with the ability to patch a massive security breach. Maybe you heard of it? A dozen high security prisoners escaped?
GLORIA
Don’t get snippy with me, missy!
MCGRATH
Don’t start talking like my mom!
GLORIA
Don’t start-- there’s a note sticking out of that wrecked marble statue.
MCGRATH
Well that’s not suspicious.
GLORIA
Bailey clearly is an oddball, he definitely could have hidden important information inside. Maybe it’s a clue to where Bailey hid the Zeus Protocol prototype!
MCGRATH
Hmmm...
(pounding her bat)
...if only there were some way to find out.
GLORIA
Don’t use my own sarcastic remark against me.
MCGRATH
You think the sarcasm is your ally. You merely adopted it, I was born in it. Now, let’s see what kind of stuff obscenely rich people hide inside marble statues...
SFX: Smash!
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. BAR - SAME
SKIP (JAZZY VOICE OVER MIC)
That was Whistlin’ Down the Rolodex, an improvised fantasia I wrote for my school jazz band! Now, I’m gonna take a quick break for a wee hootenanny, but don’t you fine fellows go anywhere. We’ll be right back to continue our journey through the dulcet tones of my jazz.
SFX: A round of scattered, polite applause. Skip accept the applause graciously, steps off the stage, and walks over to Bowden.
BOWDEN
Based on everything I know about solo flute jazz, which is absolutely nothing, good job Skip.
SKIP
Wow, what a rush! I forgot how much I loved playing the flute! Ooh I need a drink. Hey barkeep? What’s a local Southern comfort drink you’d recommend?
BARTENDER
A sazerac: Rittenhouse rye, VSOP cognac, an absinthe rinse, and a hint of Peychaud’s stirred and served straight up.
SKIP
...I’ll just have a juice.
(to Bowden)
So, how’s your end going, Bowden? Got any info out of Bailey yet? Or need me to step in work some magic?
BOWDEN
I can’t even get close to him! He’s avoiding me like Leonardo DiCaprio avoids women his own age. For some reason, he seems alarmed by my very presence.
SKIP
Something must be up. Let me try and rope him into a conversation. Then you can jump in and catch him off guard so we can get a read on what’s going on.
BOWDEN
How are you going to do that?
SKIP
I’m gonna charm him! Now, stay on comms and listen for the codephrase: “Sasparilla and Starlight".
BOWDEN
There’s no way you can work that into casual conversation.
SKIP
Five bucks says I do!
BOWDEN
You’re on.
QUICK TRANISTION
SFX: Footsteps as Skip approaches Bailey.
SKIP (JAZZY VOICE)
Oh, Mr. Bailey!
BAILEY
What?
SKIP (JAZZY VOICE)
I couldn’t help but notice you noticing my flute playing. Do you like it?
BAILEY
Oh, you’re the flute player, right?
SKIP
Flautist, yes.
BAILEY
Well, good job.
(beat)
Was there anything else?
BOWDEN (ON COMMS)
He seems very charmed, Skip.
SKIP
Yes! Mr. Bailey, you’re clearly a man of refined, archaic taste. I was just wondering what you thought of the title for my next album. I’m thinking of calling it ‘Sasparilla & Starlight’.
BOWDEN (ON COMMS)
Okay, that was cheating. But fine, I’m going in.
BAILEY
Oh. Well, I guess it’s fine. A little out there, but-AAH!
SFX: Bailey startles as Bowden approaches!
BOWDEN (SOUTHERN)
Now lookie here Bailey, I don’t know why you’re avoiding me, but we’re--
BAILEY
I told you to stay back you...you monstrosity!
BOWDEN (SOUTHERN)
Monstrosity! I haven’t been called that since the LA Times reviewed my one-man adaptation of Magnolia!
BAILEY
Don’t get any closer, I’m not afraid to use this!
BOWDEN (SOUTHERN)
A piece of garlic bread? I know the Yelp reviews of the food here aren’t great, but I doubt it could kill a person.
BAILEY
I know what this little bugger will do to you. Now, I don’t know who gave you permission to come in here, but if you don’t get out now, I’ll send you back where you belong myself. Discede malum diaboli!
SFX: Bailey storms away.
SKIP
We might as well start calling him Deutsche Bank, because he’s definitely hiding something.
BOWDEN
He looked like he’d just seen a ghost! I don’t know what’s going on, but let’s check in with Mcgrath and Gloria and see if they’ve found anything.
(into his comms)
Come in Po Boy and Hush Puppy.
GLORIA (COMMS)
Hush Puppy here! What’s going on?
BOWDEN
Things are getting weird here. Bailey just spoke to me in tongues, right before he ran away faster than a Denzel movie sells out. I don’t know why, but I don’t think he’s gonna tell me anything.
GLORIA (COMMS)
We actually might know something about that! While we were in Bailey’s office, we found a collection of old documents inside this old marble bust of Andrew Jackson!
SKIP
What? How’d you get it open?
MCGRATH (COMMS)
Don’t worry about it.
GLORIA (COMMS)
One of the documents was a handwritten letter: a correspondence with a local hitman, arranging the death of one of Bailey’s business partners who apparently had been interfering with his latest venture: Thaddeus Marceaux, Esquire! That’s you, Bowden! Or your cover, at least. He tried to have him killed in a desperate act of corporate espionage!
SKIP
I think he did more than try! He might have actually done it! That’s why he looked like he’d seen a ghost. For all he knew, he had!
BOWDEN
Wait a minute... garlic? Coded Latin phrases? Aha! He didn’t think he’d seen a ghost. If I know one thing from my time in Abbott and Costello: Vampire Hunters, it’s that vampires are repelled by garlic.
MCGRATH (COMMS)
Yeah, that’s a real deep cut in vampire lore, Bowden.
BOWDEN
It must have been why he was waving around that appetizer tray like he was part of a dine-in performance of Cirque du Soleil! He thinks I’m a vampire. Gary did say the casting agent called me a “Dracula type”- supposedly because of my highcollared coat, but I think it was really because of my intoxicating charisma.
MCGRATH
This is dumb. It’s officially dumb. Are you sure we can’t just bail on this mission and go to a gumbo stand? Or a Confederate statue with minimal security?
SKIP
Not so fast, McGrath. If Bailey isn’t going to let Bowden get near him, we need a new plan if we’re going to find the location of the Zeus Protocol prototype.
GLORIA (COMMS)
Well actually, inside the statue was another piece of paper and on it was a series of numbers. At first I thought it was a list of his favorite Seinfeld episodes. Puffy shirt for the win! But McGrath rightly pointed out that it was coordinates!
SKIP
That’s got to be where he’s keeping the machine. You two head there and check it out, let us know what you find.
GLORIA
We’re on our way now! It looks like it’s a little outside town, but I’m sure it’s just to his big fancy country estate or something!
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
EXT. LOUISIANA BAYOU
SFX: The sounds of wildlife. Bugs flying around, the rustle of plant life, the trickle of water. You can just tell it’s deathly humid. And amidst all of it: the sound of rowboat oars.
MCGRATH
Go to the address, Skip said. It will be fine, Skip said. Yeah, I didn’t know we’d end up in a goddamn swamp!
GLORIA
Technically I think it’s a bayou.
MCGRATH
What’s the difference?
GLORIA
No one knows.
MCGRATH
I don’t know what it is, but it’s just creepy here. Something could be hiding in that water.
GLORIA
Well, yes. Alligators.
MCGRATH
WHAT!?
GLORIA
Well, you asked!
MCGRATH
You might be right, but could you just keep your rightness to yourself?
GLORIA
Fine. I’m just trying to figure out why Bailey would have hidden something way out here.
MCGRATH
I’m starting to think he’s never heard of a safety deposit box. He goes to ludicrous lengths to hide things.
GLORIA
He’s not the only one.
MCGRATH
What is that supposed to mean?
GLORIA
Just that I know you, and I can tell when you’re hiding something. You’ve been acting weird. Not just today, but for weeks. I mean, you and Skip have some obfuscated cake code! Now, I know everyone is entitled their secrets, but... clearly something’s bothering you. I just wish you felt like you could talk to me.
MCGRATH
Yeah well, I don’t think you’d have much to contribute to this.
GLORIA
I might! I know a lot of stuff.
MCGRATH
Not all of us get to have perfect relationships, Gloria!
Beat.
GLORIA
Bowden and I don’t have a perfect relationship. And besides, what does your sour mood have to do with relationships? You’ve been grumpy ever since that phone call from...Phillipe...
(realizing)
Oh Ms. McGrath, I’m so sorry. You two broke up ages ago, I didn’t think you’d still be upset about it.
MCGRATH
What!? I’m not upset about -
GLORIA
It’s okay for you to miss him.
MCGRATH
I don’t miss him. I broke up with him.
GLORIA
I know, but it can still be hard. I’m really sorry, I’ve been neglecting my duty as your best female friend.
MCGRATH
Uggh
GLORIA
We should have been having girls’ nights with cookie dough, face masks, and rom coms. I’ll put one on the calendar when we get back. Oh! We can invite Zelda and Doctor Pickle and I've heard Doctor Wiles is very -
MCGRATH
I’M NOT UPSET ABOUT PHILIPPE!!!
GLORIA
Woah... okay, sorry. I thought you were just being evasive.
MCGRATH
Yeah, well, I wasn’t.
GLORIA
Look, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on. But I think you should. I think it would help.
(playfully coaxing)
It’s a long bayou ride...
(silence)
And we could get eaten by alligators...
(McGrath grumbles.)
And it’d be a shame for our last conversation to be about your ex-boyfriend who you’re totally not upset about -
MCGRATH
OKAY! Okay, fine...
(beat)
I’m... mad.
GLORIA
Who are you mad at? Skip? The Section Chief?
MCGRATH
No.
GLORIA
Me?
MCGRATH
No! I’m mad at myself!
GLORIA
Oh... why?
MCGRATH
Just... do you ever feel like you just have everything backwards?
GLORIA
When Bowden makes me do mirror exercises with him, yes!
MCGRATH
Nevermind, forget it.
GLORIA
No! I’m sorry, I’ll be serious. But I don’t think I get it.
MCGRATH
Okay, so...
(she takes a breath)
Philippe called earlier and it got me thinking about how, when I met him, I hated him. He was everything I thought was wrong with the world.
GLORIA
Well, you learned Philippe was a pretty good guy, so you changed your opinion. You’re allowed to do that.
MCGRATH
But it’s the same thing that happened with you all, with the EMF! I thought you all were-
GLORIA
The quote I remember is “fascist government shills with our heads up Uncle Sam’s--”
MCGRATH
Yeah, that was it. You were right: I have been putting off taking the agent’s exam. I’m not embarrassed of what we do, but... the old me would be so disappointed.
GLORIA
Well, you just happened to get that wrong too! I mean, we are pretty great...
MCGRATH
And then--!
GLORIA
Ah yes, the rule of threes.
MCGRATH
Okay just... can you not look at me while I say this? You’re making me self-conscious.
GLORIA
Oh! Um... sure. I’ll just look... at that ENORMOUS BEETLE OVER THERE! Oh my god it’s horri- oh it flew away. Okay, I’m listening.
MCGRATH
Okay. Recently there was this... person, who I thought was objectively terrible. Like despicable, annoying, aggravating. And even though I knew they were all these things, I still found them... for lack of a better word: “intriguing.”
GLORIA
Wait... Mackenzie! Do you have a crush on Chet Phillips?
MCGRATH
WHAT!? HOW DARE YOU?
GLORIA
Then I don’t understand. Who was it?
McGrath takes a big breath.
MCGRATH
So, back at the prom...
(beat)
Can you just figure it out? Don’t make me say it.
GLORIA
What? Okay, well, back at the prom... someone you hate... OH. Oh, Mackenzie!
MCGRATH
Don’t say it! I know! I know. But for some reason, everything I do is wrong or a mistake or goes against everything I thought I knew about myself and now I can’t even trust my own judgement. I don’t recognize myself and I’m like, “shit how the hell did I let myself become this?" I just...feel like something inside me is broken.
GLORIA
Mackenzie, no. Don’t say that, that’s not... Athena is a terrible, untrustworthy person. But she’s smart and charming, when she wants to be, so I guess I can see how... oh my god, but after the prison break, I can only imagine what that must have felt like. I’m so sorry.
MCGRATH
Well...
GLORIA
What?
MCGRATH
That’s... actually the thing. It turns out, she wasn’t responsible for the breakout. The trail left in the break-in code... it couldn’t have been.
Beat.
GLORIA
Then... we have to help her.
MCGRATH
I...I was not expecting that.
GLORIA
Think about it! If she wasn’t behind the jailbreak, then someone else was and they have her hostage and she needs help, OR she took advantage of the jailbreak to run away in which case I will give her the ASS KICKING of the century for hurting you!
MCGRATH
G... I don’t know what to say. I know that all this is... just thank you.
GLORIA
I know Mackenzie. But I always have your back.
MCGRATH
But do me a favor and keep all of this to yourself for now. If you tell Bowden, he’ll try to pitch it to Lifetime.
GLORIA
(laughing)
Yeah. In his defense, I would watch that!
MCGRATH
...also, Zelda classified all of this as Top Secret, so pretend I never said anything.
GLORIA
WHAT!!? You made me complicit in leaked confidential intelligence?!
MCGRATH
Oh look, we’re at the coordinates.
SFX: The boat lands.
GLORIA
Oh McGrath... Okay, fine. Fine! We’ll deal with that later. Yeah, looks like we’re here. These are the coordinates Bailey had written on that paper anyway.
SFX: Footsteps in the dirt.
MCGRATH
And we’re certain the coordinates weren’t just for Bailey’s wackest picnic spot? Because all I’m seeing is a creepy old graveyard.
GLORIA
Let’s at least have a look around.
SFX: Footsteps as they walk across the damp ground. An owl hoots!
GLORIA (CONT’D)
AHH!
MCGRATH
Seriously? It’s just an owl.
GLORIA
You know how I feel about them!
MCGRATH
Yeah, you’re scared of them. Knowing it doesn’t make it make any more sense.
GLORIA
WHERE DO THEY GET THOSE GRADUATION HATS FROM!? They’re not buying them in a store! They’re taking them off of cold bodies!
MCGRATH
Ummm Gloria?
GLORIA
No! No more owls!
MCGRATH
No... anything look weird about these tombstones? And obelisks? And mausoleums?
GLORIA
You’re right... they all have Bailey’s name on them! Oh, I think it’s his ancestral burial ground!
MCGRATH
Well doesn’t that just make you all warm and fuzzy inside.
GLORIA
I mean, it’s the perfect place to hide something. No one would stumble across anything here, it has easy access to ground water and could easily impact the rain cycle and barometric pressure from here! It’s gotta be somewhere nearby.
MCGRATH
We are NOT digging up all of these graves.
GLORIA
Yeah, that would take too long.
MCGRATH
Sure, that’s why we’re not doing it.
GLORIA
We’ve gotten this far, but we’re gonna need Skip and Bowden to get something out of Bailey. Otherwise, there’s no way we’ll find it.
MCGRATH
Way ahead of you.
(BEEP as she activates her comms)
Gumbo? Ettouffe? Come in.
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. COAT CLOSET - DAY
SFX: The muffled sounds of the club. Coats slide on hangars as Bowden hides among them.
SKIP (COMMS)
Alright, Bowden. Are you in position?
BOWDEN
Considering I’m looking at no less than four jeweled walking sticks with animal shaped handles, you can rest assured I’m in a coat closet for a secret society in Louisiana.
SKIP (COMMS)
Good. I’ll send Bailey in - then it’s all up to you.
BOWDEN
A one man show. Where I live and breathe.
SKIP (OVER COMMS) (JAZZY VOICE)
Why Mr. Bailey, if I may, I was just in the coat closet and I saw six moths!
BAILEY (OVER COMMS)
Moths?
SKIP (OVER COMMS) J(AZZY VOICE)
Six. That's s-i-x.
BAILEY (OVER COMMS)
Amongst the finery?! No!!
SFX: Running footsteps in the distance, then BANG! as he bursts in the door.
BAILEY (CONT’D)
Where’s my cape? If a single moth has befouled it, I’ll--YOU?!?
BOWDEN (TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT)
Well, well, well, Augustus. Welcome to my little corner of the night.
BAILEY
What did I tell you? Get outta here- I ordered some garlic knots and I’m not afraid to use them.
BOWDEN (TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT)
That won’t be necessary Augustus. I just want to talk. See, you were right. You saw through my guise. I have returned from the beyond with a single purpose in mind. And no, it’s NOT rebooting Pushing Daisies.
BAILEY
I’m getting out of here!
BOWDEN (TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT)
The door is locked, Augustus. There’s no way out.
(drops the accent and mutters into his comms)
Right?
SKIP (COMMS)
Right!
BOWDEN (TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT)
Now, listen to the sound of my voice... you are getting sleepy.
(Bailey moans)
You are falling under the thrall of my vampire magic, because that is totally a thing. Watch my finger, perfectly manicured into a single talon, move back and forth, back and forth, like a metronome. One, two, three! Ha ha ha!
SKIP (COMMS)
Careful, you’re going Sesame Street!
BOWDEN (TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT)
Now, when I saw “Crawfish Gumbo”, you will fall into a deep sleep and answer every question with total honesty. Do you understand?
BAILEY
(trancelike)
I understand.
BOWDEN (TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT)
Crawfish Gumbo.
Silence.
SKIP (COMMS)
Did... did it work?
SFX: Bowden snaps
BOWDEN
Yep. He’s out like a Motorola Razr phone.
SKIP (COMMS)
I can’t believe it worked!
BOWDEN
Me neither! I’ve never hypnotized anyone before. But just another thing to add to my resume, I guess. Eat your heart out, Cary Grant!
SKIP (COMMS)
Quick! Ask him the question before he wakes up!
BOWDEN
Right! Well, um....
(Transylvanian accent)
Mr. Bailey.... Where did you hide the Zeus Protocol prototype?
BAILEY
(trancelike)
In my ancestral burial ground.
BOWDEN (TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT)
Yes, we know that. Can you be more specific?
BAILEY
(trancelike)
Yes, I can.
Beat.
BOWDEN (TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT)
Will you?
BAILEY
(NOT trancelike)
...No.
BOWDEN (TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT)
As your vampiric overlord, I command you-
BAILEY
You command me!? How dare you!
(Bowden gasps in surprise)
I will allow you to darken my mind no more.
BOWDEN
What?!?
BAILEY
You forget Thaddeus, I was always mentally superior to you. You and your foolhardy ideas of corporate ethics and regulatory transparency. It’s a despicable and downright un-American thing! You might think that you bring back certain skills with you from the other side, but they’re no use. I’ve been training for this my entire life. Now get ready to weep!
SFX: He pulls something out. The sound of an aerosol spray.
BOWDEN
AHHH OW MY EYES! It stings!
BAILEY
Witch Doctor Mike’s Super Duper Vampire Repellent, made with real garlic! I got it on Amazon. One hour drone delivery!
BOWDEN
Oh, uh...
(a vampire again)
STOP RIGHT THERE!
SFX: The crumpling of a Cheetos bag.
BAILEY
(scared)
Wh-What are you doing with that bag of Cheetos?
BOWDEN (TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT)
Threatening you of course, I thought that was clear! Now, you can answer my question and walk out of here. OR I can sprinkle the rest of this cheesy-dust onto your beautiful taffeta and ermine cloak.
BAILEY
It was my great grand-daddy’s!
BOWDEN (TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT)
And this Cheetos dust is X-treme Cheetos dust. It will never come out. Or... you can just tell us what we want to know.
SFX: A beat. And then Bailey sighs in defeat.
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
EXT. GRAVEYARD - MOMENTS LATER
GLORIA
It’s Reginald Polaris Bailey the Sixth? Oh amazing! Well done you two! We’ll let you know when it’s done.
SFX: BEEP as she hangs up.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Alright, now we just need to find-
MCGRATH
It’s here, this giant mausoleum with a gargoyle that looks strangely like Rupert Murdoch. Now let’s get it open, find the weather machine, and get the hell out of here.
SFX: They try to pry the doors open.
GLORIA
Oof! Heavy doors. Pull together on three?
MCGRATH
Sure.
BOTH
One... two... THREE!
SFX: Heavy stone scraping against... well, more stone. McGrath and Gloria cough as dust swirls around the newly opened crypt.
GLORIA
Ohhh, it’s dark! How are we going to see a thing in here when-
(a BEEP nearby)
Oh. That’s better.
MCGRATH
Phones, G. Phones.
GLORIA
Oh! And this must be it! Right in the middle of the floor. Wow, after all that, he really bellyflopped across the finish line hiding this thing, didn’t he?
MCGRATH
I guess he figured the dangerous swamp full of poisonous bugs and alligators would do it. You know, it kind of looks like...
GLORIA
Like a what?
MCGRATH
A cappuccino machine?
GLORIA
Yes! I was just thinking that, that’s exactly it! The University of Stanford better hope that Keurig never sees this, you do NOT wanna go up against them in court. Anyway, nothing left to do except to figure out how to disable it. We could try to find its internal battery supply. Or I guess we could-
MCGRATH
G?
GLORIA
Yes?
MCGRATH
Skip did say ‘destroy’ it.
GLORIA
....Go ahead.
SFX: McGrath yells in frustration. SFX of banging and banging and banging, aluminum on metal, clanging, bending, creaking, shattering until finally McGrath stops.
MCGRATH
I got it.
GLORIA
McGrath?
MCGRATH
Yeah?
GLORIA
I get the sense that you needed that.
MCGRATH
I really did.
GLORIA
How do you feel?
MCGRATH
Better. Not great, but better.
GLORIA
I’ll take it.
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. THE CLUB - A BIT LATER
SKIP
Yes! McGrath and Gloria did it!
BOWDEN
They disabled the machine?
SKIP
You don’t even know the half of it. Bowden, I must say, I’m quite impressed with your quick thinking back there! You really pulled it out at the last moment!
BOWDEN
I just did what any jazz artist in New Orleans worth their salt would do: improvise.
SKIP
Spoken like a true Craw-Daddy. Well, I think we can chock this one up as a success and get out of here!
BOWDEN
And not a moment too soon. I was starting to wonder how I’d look with glittery skin.
SFX: Skip and Bowden stop short as a door bursts open, the club members gasps, and into the club strides...
BAILEY
Men of the Legionnaire’s Society! The day we have long feared has finally arrived... a vampire and his familiar have infiltrated our sacred ranks. But generations of training and refining of our skills mean... we are prepared.
SFX: Murmurs of anger from the crowd.
BOWDEN
(under his breath)
Oh no. Skip, this isn’t just a good old boys club... it’s a vampire hunter’s club!
SKIP
(under his breath)
Are you sure?
BOWDEN
(under his breath)
Well, for one thing, they’re pulling out crucifixes... and silver knives... and wooden stakes...
SKIP
(under his breath)
Oh jeepers, you’re right!
(to everyone, jazzy voice)
Well, how dee folks. No need to listen to this here rascal! We ain’t no vampires, he’s simply had a little too much of the devil’s nectar and finds his wits running amok like a cat after it falls into the bathtub.
BOWDEN
(as Marceaux)
Yes! I mean, look at me. I’m just a simple southern lawyer! The name’s... uh... Atticus Finch!
SFX: More angry mutters from amongst the crowd
SKIP
(whispering)
Bowden, I don’t think they’re buying it!
PARTY GUEST
VAMPIR!!!
BOWDEN
RUN!
SFX: Skip and Bowden make a dash for the door as the angry mob yells and swipes at them!
BAILEY
I’ll get you, or I wasn’t Mr. Teen Louisiana three years in a row!
SFX: Skip and Bowden dodge and weave, shoving tables and chairs at their assailants. They burst through the door-
EXT. BOURBON STREET
SFX: - and flee down the street!
BOWDEN
Where do we go?
SKIP
No time, just run!
SFX: They run. Bailey and the angry mob burst out of the club and chase after them.
BAILEY
The power of Christ compels ME! To destroy you!
SKIP
AAH! They just don’t give up!
BOWDEN
Quick! Let’s cut through this alleyway...
SFX: They run through an alley. A cat YELPS!
SKIP
Sorry Mr. Cat! Didn’t see you there! ACHOO!
BOWDEN
There’s no time for allergies, Skip! Quick, up ahead! A Bourbon Street parade! We can lose them in there!
SFX: Growing louder, the sounds of a jazz band playing "When the Saints Go Marching In".
SKIP
That’s not just any parade! It’s a funeral parade! Only in New Orleans! Quick, into the line! We can blend in!
SFX: Skip and Bowden break into the parade and fall in line, joining in.
SKIP (CONT’D)
Don’t mind me, everyone! I’m just a simple flautist, joining your jam! In memoriam, of course!
SFX: Skip pulls out his flute and begins joining in.
BOWDEN
And don’t mind me, I’m just a simple... uh... Craw Daddy!
SKIP
Yes, he's just a simple Craw Daddy! With simple tastes!
SFX: They march away as Bailey and his crowd approach.
BAILEY
There they are, boys! But... stars and garters, hellfire and damnation! They’ve summoned reinforcements! A whole legion of undead brethren risen and cloaked in black, playing the Devil’s Song!
SFX: A distant flute plays with the band
BAILEY (CONT.)
And look: the cursed familiar leads them onward with his forsaken flute of the undead! We cannot take them all! Fall back men, back to the headquarters, oh, or he’ll lead us all to our doom! Avert your ears and live to fight another day!
SFX: Footsteps and yelling as the Legionnaire’s Society scrambles away. Skip and Bowden continue on with the parade.
BOWDEN
They’re running away!
SKIP
Thanks to the all-powerful jazz flute! I think Lizzo would be proud.
BOWDEN
Is there a lesson in this?
SKIP
There sure is: thank goodness for Bourbon Street!
SFX: BUZZ of COMMS
MCGRATH (COMMS)
Alright Skip, we’re still in that graveyard, but heading back to town. Where are you?
SKIP
(shouting over the sounds of the parade)
The graveyard? Don’t go anywhere! We’re on our way.
GLORIA (COMMS)
What’s that sound?
SKIP
It’s the sound of New Orleans!
MCGRATH
I don’t know what that means, but I’ve had a long day Skip. I’ve been in New Orleans all afternoon and I haven’t gotten to have even one beignet and I kind of just want to get out of here-
SKIP
Don’t worry McGrath, we’re bringing the beignets to you!
MCGRATH
(earnest and touched)
Oh bless your heart.
END CREDITS OVER THE JAZZ PARADE MUSIC!
INT. DARK EMF HOLDING CELL - UNKNOWN TIME
ATHENA
(weary)
Oh God, I don’t know how much longer I can make it in this cell.
SFX: The door opens. Enter Chet.
CHET
Meal time, O’Brien.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Reconstituted powdered potatoes! Just like Mother O’Brien used to make.
ATHENA
Just leave it with all the other meals I haven’t eaten.
CHET
I think you’ll like this one. Gooseberry and bacon donuts from Little Caesar’s.
ATHENA
That is not a thing. I hope.
CHET
Sure it is. It’s all... by the book.
ATHENA
By the book? Phillips, you’ve gone...oh. OH. Gooseberry and bacon...my favorite.
CHET
That plate better be clean when I come back at 6pm with your dinner. Or we’ll both be in trouble.
ATHENA
Got it. Gonna dig into these gooseberries.
CHET
Be careful.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
I just don’t understand flirting nowadays.
SFX: Chet goes out.
ATHENA
Gooseberry and bacon donuts was in friggin’ Skip Granger’s passcode book. I have never been so happy that was literally the only thing they would give me to read.
SFX: She digs through her breakfast and pulls out...
ATHENA (CONT’D)
A passkey. Chet - I knew you couldn’t stand to see me locked up.
SFX: Athena jimmies the key into her cell. There’s a brief zap of electricity and it opens.
ATHENA (CONT’D)
The lioness is loose. Let’s rock.
SFX: She opens the door.
SFX: ACTION MUSIC. Athena slips down the hallway. The weird hum of the Dark EMF hallways.
ATHENA (CONT’D)
Okay, your basic black on black hallway. Really cheery workplace.
SFX: Footsteps approaching. Athena gasp and ducks behind a wall.
DAVIN FORD (PASSING BY)
There’s an employee gym with a heated pool, a game room with all the latest home console and arcade hits, and of course a full service restaurant for senior staff.
ELLE MAE (PASSING BY)
A very enticing offer you’ve put on the table, Mr. Ford. Why don’t we iron out the details in the executive bar? I trust you have one.
DAVIN FORD
Right this way, little lady.
SFX: They go through a doorway.
ATHENA
Elle Mae Sederstrom? I thought I put her at the bottom of the Atlantic.
SFX: Athena slips further down the hallway, hiding as she passes...
DESOTO
(mid-conversation)
Would you believe she’s not being cooperative? All she wants to do is limbo.
QUINN
Well maybe you shouldn’t have been telling her she’s at a resort all year. Time to get the other one.
DESOTO
Well, you got a point -
SFX: Athena leaves them behind.
ATHENA
This is like the worst party ever. All right...
SFX: She opens a door. A movie is playing. Weird, wobbly, brain washy sounds.
ATHENA (CONT’D)
What the -
WEIRD VOICE (OVER SPEAKERS)
You are feeling very sleepy. Very relaxed. You want to do GOOD.
ATHENA (CONT’D)
What -
CHILD STAR
Do...good.
WEIRD VOICE (OVER SPEAKERS)
You want to be GOOD.
LUCKY
Be...good.
BALTHAZAR AND CHILD STAR
Do...nice.
WEIRD VOICE (OVER SPEAKERS)
Hurting others only hurts yourself.
LUCKY AND CHILD STAR
Hurt...no one.
BALTHAZAR
Except Idina Menzel. She knows what she did.
ATHENA (CONT’D)
Is this the company movie theater? Or the acid trip room?
KRISTATOS
(rambling)
Do...good. Good. Nice. Good.
ATHENA
Dad? DAD! Oh my God, what have they done to you? Strapped to you a chair and forced you to watch this - what is this subpar Oceanology mind job? Forget it, I’m getting you out of here.
SFX: She struggles to unschackle him.
KRISTATOS
Athena? Athena, my baby girl!
ATHENA
Come on, dad, work with me here.
SFX: She gets him up.
KRISTATOS
Athena? What is happening?
ATHENA
We’re bustin’ out of here, Dad. Upsy daisy.
KRISTATOS
Oh. That’s nice.
LUCKY
Kris leaving. That’s so nice.
CHILD STAR
Bye bye, Uncle Kris. Be good.
BALTHAZAR
Athena, take us with you. Or at least me.
ATHENA
Uh...no. I hated your last movie. And I hate you. So...peace!
BALTHAZAR
NOOOO
SFX: She takes Kristatos out into the hallway and slams the door on the weird room.
ATHENA (CONT’D)
Okay, c'mon Dad. Exit...exit...need to find an exit...all right yeah!
SFX: She opens one last door and suddenly, THE WORLD IS RUSHING BY! A train moving at high speed underground! Athena and Kristatos just manage to hang on!
ATHENA (CONT’D)
What? The Dark EMF is ON A TRAIN?
END MUSIC!