Season Four, Episode Nine: “EIGHT HEAD IN A BIRKIN BAG”
TRANSCRIPT
INT. DARK EMF PRISON CELL - NO DEFINITE TIME
Footsteps down a dark hallway.
QUINN
Feeding the animals?
CHET
(startled)
Quinn! Hey. Yeah, they put me on...prisoner detail. C’mon, you can tag along.
Chet starts to unlock the cell.
QUINN
How’s your old friend these days?
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Lovely, thank you, Ms. Corrino! I almost forgot that you were aware of my existence!
CHET
We’ve come to an arrangement.
The cell door opens. Athena rises groggily. Chet drops a bowl of gruel in front of her.
ATHENA
(weak)
My personal Grubhub delivery man. I mean, actual grubs would be better than the slop you’re serving. And Quinn Corrino! Wow, the Dark EMF is poaching all the best government stooges.
CHET
You’re not looking great, Athena. Eat something.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Athena clearly requires a refresher course from our time at sea together: Surviving Deliciously on One Strand of Seaweed a Day!
QUINN
You there, Agent?
CHET
I’m fine.
QUINN
Having focus problems?
ATHENA
The sight of me in chains is very distracting to Chet. That’s probably why Davin Ford sent you, Corrino—to make sure Chet isn’t alone with me.
CHET
No one “sent” her. We just bumped into each other.
ATHENA
You sure?
CHET
...management trusts me.
ATHENA
Is that why Ford’s right behind you?
CHET AND QUINN
Ahhh!
DAVIN
A thousand apologies, team. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t in need of assistance.
ATHENA
Nice of you to visit, Ford, after you promised you wouldn’t come see me any more.
DAVIN
I’m merely observing Agent Phillips, my dear.
ATHENA
Oh, he’s doing great. I bet they’ll make him the boss soon. Then he can observe you.
SFX: Chet bangs the electrified bars. BZZHT.
CHET
Go ahead, play your little mind games, turn Benedict Arnold on everyone who shows you an ounce of kindness. Now, eat your slop or
starve.
ATHENA
...it’s not Sushi on Fifth, but I guess it’ll do.
She starts to eat.
CHET
Everyone out.
Chet shuts the door and they all start off down the long hallway.
DAVIN
She’s growing rather brazen. Perhaps you’ve shown her too much kindness, Mister Phillips.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Careful Chet. They’re suspicious.
CHET
What’s wrong with a little kindness, Ford?
DAVIN
It can be a gateway drug…to collaboration.
CHET
She’s chained up in an electric cage. I see her for a total of three minutes each day.
QUINN
You could whisper sweet coded messages to each other.
ADMIRAL
Perhaps Quinn has squealed on us.
CHET
Paranoia was always your strong suit, Quinn.
QUINN
So you’re denying it?
CHET
(intense)
That little viper tried to hypnotize me in a tanning booth. And you know how I feel about anything
that messes with my mind.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Although I must say, the results from the mind-machines have been quite spectacular!
CHET
So look me in the eye and tell me you don’t trust me.
DAVIN
Very well, I don’t trust you.
CHET
I was talking to Quinn. I don’t answer to you, Ford. I answer to Whitmire. So back off, unless
you’re gonna throw me in supermax, too.
DAVIN
Watch your back, Mister Phillips.
CHET
I always do.
Chet goes. Far off, a door slams. A brief silence.
DAVIN
Miss Corrino? Is there anything you can tell us—anything troubling we should know—about Mister Phillips or his state of mind?
QUINN
(beat) Nope.
DAVIN
You’re sure?
QUINN
I’m sure. You can trust him.
THEME MUSIC AND OPENING CREDITS!
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents: the backups. Tonight’s episode: Eight Heads in a Birkin Bag.
INT. COFFEE SHOP
SFX: The sound of rain can be heard faintly in the background behind generic coffeehouse jazz.
BARISTA
Welcome to Bean There, Done That. What can I get—oh, it’s you.
SKIP
I’m sorry?
BARISTA
We have your picture on our wall.
SKIP
(small gasp, insulted)
I don’t feel that I merit a wanted poster.
BARISTA
Last week you came in and ordered our May the Fourth special at 11 AM—
SKIP
Your menu did not explicitly state the amount of caffeine in that drink, for the record—
BARISTA
...and by 3 in the morning your roommate had to drag you out while you screamed: “Coffee Skip has
vanquished sleep!”
SKIP
It was an unintended lapse of moderation on my part. I promise, no more outbursts.
BARISTA
Mm.
SKIP
So. I’ll have a large mocha, heavy on the chocolate and whipped cream, to go please. Oh! And I brought my own sustainable personal coffee conveyor system!
Thank you. I will sit right over there in the corner, and you will not hear a peep from me.
SFX: Coffee shop door opens. High heels on the tile floor of the coffee shop.
ELLIE MAE
Nice trenchcoat. I find midnight taupe to be a particularly versatile color, don’t you?
SKIP
SPLLLTT GAAAAAH
SFX: Coffee goes everywhere. The chair overturns, Skip falls to the floor.
BARISTA
THAT’S IT. OUT!
SKIP (CONT’D)
Ellie Mae Sederstrom?!? I thought you were dead!
ELLIE MAE
When we first met, Skippy-poo, you thought I was a lot of things.
SKIP
(swoons, then yells again) You subjected me to unspeakable torture!
BARISTA
I’m gonna subject you both to unspeakable lawsuits!
SKIP
What are you doing here?!?
ELLIE MAE
Let’s find somewhere quiet to talk. I need to show you what’s in this bag.
SKIP
No! I’m not going anywhere with you!
ELLIE MAE
All right. I’ll show you right here in the coffee shop.
She unfastens the bag. Skip gags.
SKIP
Are those—
ELLIE MAE
They are.
SKIP
(to the barista) We’re leaving.
BARISTA
Good, take your ridiculous coffee cup and get out! And don’t come back begging for baked goods!
SKIP
(trying not to vomit)
No problem. I’m not going to be eating anything for a while.
TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
The gang is sitting around chatting when Skip bursts into the room.
SKIP
(shellshocked) Sorry I’m late, team!
MACKENZIE
What’s wrong with you?
BOWDEN
Is this another Coffee Skip situation?
GLORIA
You look like you’ve seen a ghost!
SKIP
Ghost? What? No! There’s no such thing as ghosts! There are only people who you thought were dead mysteriously showing up at your favorite local coffee shop!
GLORIA
What’s going on, Skip?
SKIP
Welllll...you all remember...
SFX: High heels entering the room
GLORIA AND BOWDEN AND MACKENZIE
Ellie Mae Sederstrom?!
MACKENZIE
Skip, what is evil Marie Kondo doing here?
BOWDEN
Aren’t you supposed to be at the bottom of the ocean with the rest of the world’s worst criminals?
ELLIE MAE
(laughs)
Yes, well, turns out it’s not easy to drown the 2004 Iowa State freediving champion.
GLORIA
Isn’t Iowa completely landlocked?
ELLIE MAE
(to Skip)
I can hold my breath for 22 minutes...
Skip tries his best to keep his composure.
MACKENZIE
Skip, what the hell is going on?
GLORIA
This woman tortured you!
BOWDEN
For god’s sake, man! Remember what she did to that map!
SKIP
Yes, but with enough sessions with Dr. Studebaker, I have learned to get less upset by the improper utilization and storage of inanimate objects.
MACKENZIE
Okay, so you don’t mind if I just…eat this muffin upside-down.
SFX: Skip gulps
Long beat.
SKIP
No. I. Am. Fine. The truth is…Ms. Sederstorm—
(low to Ellie Mae, giggling in his ear)
—stop that—
(back to the others)
—has information about a technological advancement that could aid hundreds of criminals, and she is
willing to work with us to stop it.
GLORIA
Are you frapping kidding me?
SKIP
Gloria I understand -
GLORIA
We spent HALF A YEAR trying to work with a CRIMINAL who DESTROYED OUR COMPUTER SYSTEMS, FREED ALL OF OUR
PRISONERS, and even now has us on the ropes with the Secretary of Defense!
MACKENZIE
Well, about that -
GLORIA
And all it takes for you to forget all that is this…woman…walking out of the grave, whispering sweet nothings and tousling your hair—
SKIP
That’s not what happened!
BOWDEN
She’s literally tousling your hair right now.
SKIP
Stop that!
MACKENZIE
G, ease off for a minute. Lemme handle this.
GLORIA
Ms. McGrath, please don’t tell me you’re entertaining this insanity.
MACKENZIE
Skip. Look me in the eyes. Is this a cake situation?
GLORIA
A…what about cake?
BOWDEN
What’s a “cake situation”?
MACKENZIE
I’ll tell you both later.
ELLIE MAE
Oh, feel free to speak plainly—
MACKENZIE
Shut up, Meter Maid. (to Skip) Is this a cake situation?
SKIP
I swear, McGrath, it is not.
MACKENZIE
Okay. I’m gonna trust you. (to the others) Let’s listen to what she has to say.
SKIP
Now. I haven’t had time to prepare a presentation—
ELLIE MAE
That’s fine. I don’t suppose you happen to have a slide projector available? I assembled a briefing deck.
(Thump.)
SKIP
Oh. Uh. Well these are very organized, I suppose—where do you get slides of this clarity?
MACKENZIE
Skip.
SKIP
Right! I— Slide projector on.
ELLIE MAE
Meet Grigori Ivanov. Molecular biologist, Russian ex-pat, and, for at least a little while longer, my husband. I met Grigori not long after I swam away from the sinking of the S.S. Russet.
BOWDEN
The target is your husband? How very Double Indemnity of you.
ELLIE MAE
You mistake me, Bowden. I don’t want to kill him. I want to destroy him. Financially. In our divorce proceedings.
SFX: Slide advancing
SKIP
Ivanov worked for a pharmaceutical company as a low-level researcher—
ELLIE MAE
—whose bosses didn’t care that he was quite literally on the verge of a groundbreaking scientific discovery that could have earned that company billions.
GLORIA
What was the discovery?
ELLIE MAE
How familiar are you with cryonics?
BOWDEN
All I know is that Walt Disney’s family doesn’t want anyone to look too hard under the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.
SFX: slide projector advances
SKIP
The main issue with previous attempts at human cryonic preservation is that freezing basically destroys the brain tissue.
BOWDEN
So Walt Disney—
ELLIE MAE
Isn’t ever coming back and casting you in a movie, no.
SKIP
Modern ventures into cryonics have focused on freezing only the head of the subject, with the hopes of cloning a new body later—
ELLIE MAE
But the brain tissue still deteriorates. Under Grigori’s protocol, freezing happens…much faster…at a lower temperature.
SKIP
Uh—
GLORIA
Maybe we should lower the temperature in here, Skip.
SKIP
Ah, yes, the, um, protocol also calls for saving stem cells so that any damage done to the brain can be undone upon thawing.
ELLIE MAE
The stem cells are then used to grow a new body to match a frozen head. Grigori figured out how to accelerate the process so that decades of human growth could happen in a matter of weeks.
GLORIA
And the technology works?
ELLIE MAE
Not yet. But Grigori has gotten very close.
MACKENZIE
Honestly I’m shocked his old big pharma bosses didn’t love all this.
ELLIE MAE
They didn’t love all of the regulations and risk of litigation that would come with it.
GLORIA
Let me guess…you figured a way around those regulations.
Ellie Mae giggles. She thumps another pile of papers on the desk.
SKIP
Is that…a form XX53X?
ELLIE MAE
It is.
SKIP
I…have never seen…in all my days—
MACKENZIE AND GLORIA AND BOWDEN
NEXT SLIDE!
Slide change.
ELLIE MAE
So I convinced Grigori to walk away from his job. We got married, adopted our dog, Fluffy—
SFX: Slide advances, everyone “awws” over the cute dog.
ELLIE MAE (CONT'D)
—then we cloned Fluffy—
SFX: Slide advances, everyone “eeeehhhggs” over the monstrosities they see.
GLORIA
The clones seem to have some issues.
McGRATH
That one has a fin and it’s eating a license plate.
ELLIE MAE
Grigori threw some shark DNA into a few of the attempts for good measure. They’re still good boys! We bought a huge swath of land in the Nevada desert for pennies on the dollar, and with his scientific gift and my skill navigating bureaucratic red tape and Rolodex full of wealthy
criminals, we started Underground Immortals, a boutique cryonics company catering to the underworld!
SKIP
Their clientele, both living and dead, are a veritable who’s who of the criminal underworld—all of whom plan to be resuscitated at some point in the future so they can resume their criminal enterprises.
ELLIE MAE
I’ve prepared a list of clients I think you’ll be especially interested in.
SFX: Papers shuffling
GLORIA
This list has five of the EMF’s ten most wanted on it!
SKIP
Not to mention a couple of mob bosses, half a dozen Russian oligarchs—
Silence.
MACKENZIE
The CEO of Hasbro, the man responsible for New Coke…
BOWDEN
And Martha Stewart?!
ELLIE MAE
Honestly, she’s my role model. So put together. So organized. So…devious.
SKIP
The point is, gang: if we were to gain access to the Underground Immortals facility and its computer records, we could close twenty cases of international crime, implicate a hundred more criminals, recover a cutting-edge medical technique and prevent its illicit and unethical use in the near future! If a win here wouldn’t make us whole again, nothing will!
GLORIA
Okay, Skip. What are our assets other than your girlfriend here?
SKIP
Not my girlfriend.
ELLIE MAE
I’d be happy to show you!
SFX: A bag unclasps and several glass-and-metal canisters thud, then roll, onto the table.
MACKENZIE
What the f-
BOWDEN
Holy Better Call Saul!
GLORIA
Oh my god and those -
SKIP
I really didn’t need to see this again!
ELLIE MAE
Meet Dmitri, Sacha, Boris, Yekaterina, Andrei, Svetlana, Leonid, and Pavel. Or as I like to call them, my divorce collateral.
GLORIA
Are you seriously just walking around with eight decapitated heads...IN A BIRKIN BAG?
ELLIE MAE
Custom-made.
GLORIA
This bag costs more than the EMF’s annual budget! Aren’t you worried those containers will leak and destroy it?
ELLIE MAE
No, silly, each of these heads is hermetically-sealed in its own container, which not only has its own freezer unit but is also equipped with an EEG to make sure brain activity is still intact. See?
SFX: EEG beeps
ELLIE MAE (CONT’D)
Besides, I have three more bags just like this one.
BOWDEN
With, or without heads?
MACKENZIE
EEGs? Are you saying those heads are FRIGGIN ALIVE?
ELLIE MAE
It’s a gray area.
MACKENZIE
Anyone else want this muffin?
GLORIA AND BOWDEN
No thanks.
SKIP
These are the (gulp) heads...of the Vyatka Eight, the leaders of one of the most prolific drug rings in modern Russian history. While on the run from the FSB, they signed contracts with Underground Immortals.
ELLIE MAE
They knew the FSB wasn’t going to let them out of the country alive, so their contracts stated that upon their deaths, their bodies would be delivered to us.
MACKENZIE
And why are you carrying their heads around?
ELLIE MAE
Because they happen to be childhood friends of Grigori’s. Their families all shared a dacha.
BOWDEN
Dare I ask, how you came into possession of these heads?
ELLIE MAE
I snuck them on my way out of our headquarters. Among other things.
SKIP
Team: tomorrow, Ms. Sederstrom and her soon-to-be-ex-husband are meeting with a divorce mediator at the Underground Immortals headquarters in Nevada, so they can finish dividing up their professional and personal assets: records, computers, furniture…assorted body parts…
ELLIE MAE
Plus Fluffy and his genetic identicals!
SKIP
Ivanov believes the process is nearly complete and should take only a half an hour. But with these assets at our disposal—
MACKENZIE
—you mean the frozen heads?
SKIP
—we can drag the meeting out long enough to infiltrate Underground Immortals’ servers. We’ll intercept the mediator at the Las Vegas airport and Bowden will take his place.
BOWDEN
Skip, if I only have 24 hours to prepare for this role, I’m going to need some assistance. I haven’t played a lawyer since I starred as Atticus Finch in the Yuma Drought Festival’s outdoor performance of To Kill a Mockingbird. The non- Sorkin version!
MACKENZIE
Just use a lot of Latin, Bowden, you’ll be fine.
BOWDEN
Latin?!?
ELIE MAE
I’ve already taken the liberty of assembling all of the Nevada state legal statutes you’ll need to
familiarize yourself with in order to get into character.
SFX: Thick binder hitting the table
ELLIE MAE
You’ll note that the sections are color coded based on whether we’re talking case law, common law, statutory law, legislation, or precedent.
SKIP
(enthralled)
That’s very…thorough of you.
BOWDEN
(dread) Yeah. Thanks.
ELLIE MAE
The official petition for the dissolution of the marriage is also in there. I’ve already signed it—just make sure Grigori signs, too.
SKIP
Gloria and McGrath, you’re going to be posing as IT specialists, hired to verify that the data being transferred from Grigori’s computers hasn’t been corrupted or falsified.
MACKENZIE
So we download what we can, and corrupt the rest.
SKIP
Bingo, McGrath. And I’ll be a professional mover who Ms Sederstrom has hired to handle the transfer of physical assets between Underground Immortals and her refrigerated moving van.
GLORIA
Skip, don’t you think you’re going to need a little help moving furniture? And bodies?
SKIP
Oh, Gloria, I’ll be fine. That’s why they invented wheels! Any questions?
MACKENZIE
What’s in this for you, Sederstrom?
ELLIE MAE
Just the complete destruction of my husband’s business, finances, and reputation. I’m ready to go full scorched-earth since I caught him doing shots of Stoli out of his assistant’s—
SKIP
Any other questions?!?
GLORIA
Skip…have you run this operation past Section Chief Anders?
SKIP
(hedging)
Zelda and Pat, as you know, are on vacation and have…given me limited authority to…take care of things in their absence. She said, and I quote: “Don’t call me unless something’s on fire.” Don’t worry: the Section Chief will be fully briefed upon our successful return!
MACKENZIE
…yup, got a real good feeling about this one now.
SFX: Transition music
EXT. THE NEVADA DESERT, OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND IMMORTALS HQ
GRIGORI
But Ellie Mae, it was nothing! Just a little Stolichnaya between comrades.
ELLIE MAE
A little Stolichnaya and nothing else you mean?
GRIGORI
I could not find shot glasses. Drinking from the bottle would be...unsanitary. I tried to explain but you smashed up my laboratory and stormed out!
ELLIE MAE
You would have been able to walk right over that broken glass if you were wearing shoes. Or anything else.
SFX: Truck doors opening, equipment being unloaded, footsteps on the gravel road
BOWDEN
Mr. and Mrs. Grigori Ivanov?
ELLIE MAE
That’s MS Ellie Mae Sederstrom, thank you.
BOWDEN
I…see. Pleasure to meet you both. I’m Richard Watson, your mediator.
GRIGORI
Ah, Watson! Like Crick and Watson, the pioneers of DNA! A very auspicious sign.
ELLIE MAE
Yes, another man who took the credit for a woman’s accomplishments and then became a dumpster fire in his old age.
GRIGORI
Who’s old?
BOWDEN
(laughs nervously)
Ahahaha, Ms Sederstrom, Mr. Ivanov, there’s no need for things to get contentious.
GRIGORI
They are already contentious.
BOWDEN
No need for things to get contentiouser.
GLORIA
(Whispers the correct Latin pronunciation, which is kind of like “contentious-yore” with the tongue
hitting the teeth on the “r” sound)
Contentiosior…
BOWDEN
Contenshusuh—
MACKENZIE
MORE CONTENTIOUS.
BOWDEN
That! And oh yes, I caught a ride, Ms. Sederstrom, with your technology auditors, Philomena Idlewyld and Charmaine Mizner.
MACKENZIE
Yo.
GLORIA
Nice to meet you.
SKIP
And I’m Horatio Lakewood. I’m responsible for the transfer of your physical assets.
GRIGORI
You hired just one guy? To move everything?
(to Skip)
Sorry, she probably expected my assistant Fyodor to help you.
SKIP
Your assistant?
FYODOR
Da.
SKIP (bumping into Fyodor, a little nervously)
AH! Hi...big guy! Want to lend a hand with moving some furniture?
FYODOR
That is not my department. “Little guy.”
BOWDEN
Let’s move this inside and get started, shall we?
The front door opens, and they walk into…
INT. UNDERGROUND IMMORTALS’ HQ, HALLWAY
SFX: Footsteps echo down the hall.
BOWDEN
Now, Ms Idlewyld and Ms Minzer, I assume you are going to need access to the server to authenticate those assets and make sure they are shared securely.
ELLIE MAE
And that he’s not cheating and sending me home with some worthless decoy.
GRIGORI
Ellie Mae, you know I would never—
ELLIE MAE
Cheat? You would never cheat? I believe there’s a shattered test tube array that tells a different story.
BOWDEN
(Calmly)
I feel I should remind you that this will go much more smoothly if you both, um, mitescere.
GRIGORI
Meet a what?
GLORIA
It means “calm down.”
MACKENZIE
Maybe save the Latin for the negotiations, Lawyerman.
Grigori opens a door.
GRIGORI
Ladies, the server room is through here. Please make yourselves comfortable. There is a minifridge
with snacks next to the first workstation.
GLORIA
Thank you, but I don’t think we’ll be needing—
MACKENZIE
(somehow already eating) Thanks, very generous of you!
GRIGORI
Fyodor? Show these ladies to the main terminal. And keep an eye on them. They are here merely to authenticate and transfer my soon- to-be-former-wife’s assets—nothing more.
FYODOR
Da, tovarisch. Right this way, ladies.
SFX: Gloria and McGrath follow Fyodor out. Door closes, more footsteps, another door opens.
BOWDEN
Very good! May I suggest we...exeunt...to the...conference locus...as we lawyers definitely call it.
SKIP
And I’ll begin moving your personal and business assets from your storage facilities—
SFX: Skip opens the storage room door, and groans at what he sees.
BOWDEN
—Mr. Lakewood, I’m afraid it looks like you’ll be busting your gluteus maximus.
TRANSITION MUSIC.
INT. LAB
GLORIA
I don’t know what Ivanov and Sederstrom ever saw in each other. I hate to say it, but she’s a better match for...Mr. Lakewood.
MACKENZIE
All right, Fyodor, show us to the main terminal.
FYODOR
Right here.
MACKENZIE
You gonna turn it on?
FYODOR
Not my department.
MACKENZIE
Fine, I’ll do it. (powers up, typing) Whoa.
GLORIA
What’s wrong? Is something missing?
MACKENZIE
Kind of the opposite.
GLORIA
Oh my goodness, six hundred levels of subfolders?
MACKENZIE
The directory structure is like an Einstein-Rosen bridge, and the file names are in Russian! How the hell am I supposed to find any actual client data here, Fyodor?
FYODOR
Not my department.
GLORIA
This is the most intricate and overcomplicated filing system I’ve ever seen!
MACKENZIE
...well I think we just figured out what these two saw in each other.
TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, LATER
BOWDEN
So we are in agreement, then? You’re making an, um, unus-pro-uno trade as established in, uh, Nevada State constitution Article 5, Section 3? Mr. Ivanov gets the grand piano?
SFX: Squeaky wheels, dragging furniture, the sound of piano strings vibrating, continuing through this scene and moving further away
SKIP
(as Sam Eagle) I’ll...just...bring...the...piano
...to...Mr...Ivanov’s...office.
BOWDEN
Very good! And Ms. Sederstrom gets the...antique French chifferobe?
GRIGORI
Yes. It is her family heirloom. It is only right that I return it to her.
ELLIE MAE
Thank you, Grigori. I know how much you admired it.
GRIGORI
Might want to check the drawers though.
ELLIE MAE
I’m sorry?
GRIGORI
I left you a small present from Fluffy 27.
ELLIE MAE
Grigori, how could you?
GRIGORI
Hey, you hurt me, I hurt you.
BOWDEN
Very good. Mr. Lakewood, after you deposit the piano, please fetch the antique chifferobe and bring it back to Ms Sederstrom’s truck. And, uh, be sure to empty the drawers first.
SKIP
...as...you...wish.
QUICK TRANSITION
INT. SERVER ROOM AGAIN
SFX: Server room sounds, McGrath typing
MCGRATH
It’s not taking bash commands. And since everything is in the Cyrillic alphabet, it’s also—
GLORIA
Fyodor, can you tell us the command to sort these by date, at least?
FYODOR
...N.
GLORIA
(typing)
N.
FYODOR
O.
GLORIA
O.
FYODOR
T-mydepartment.
MCGRATH
Okay, move over, Charmaine. I’ve got a Russian-English dictionary and I’m going in.
QUICK TRANSITION
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
SFX: Squeaky wheels, dragging furniture, maybe the sound of a cabinet door slamming shut or a
drawer sliding out
SKIP (Sam Eagle voice)
Your...chifferobe...Ms. Sederstrom.
ELLIE MAE
Thanks, you can put it in the truck. And, um, while you’re out there, please grab the boxes labeled “Encyclopedia Britannica, 1954–1996.” I’ve decided Mr. Ivanov can actually keep that collection. I’m trying to downsize.
SFX: Skip goans as he moves the chifferobe toward the loading dock.
BOWDEN
Actually, Mr. Lakewood, may I, uh, approach the bench?
SKIP
I...suppose?
BOWDEN
(hushed)
Skip. I’d just like to take a moment to personally apologize for the many times in the past when I’ve said your mission prep was, shall we say, overdone.
SKIP
(hushed, still exhausted)
...what’s wrong?
BOWDEN
(breaking down)
I tried, man! I tried so hard to get through that binder of Nevada law Ellie Mae gave me but I couldn’t! Does she think I’m Leonardo DiCaprio from Catch Me If You Can? I’m obviously Leonardo DiCaprio from The Audition!
SKIP
I’m sorry Bowden...you have to get...through this mediation!
BOWDEN
(out loud)
Yes, Mister Lakewood, we’ll take those encyclopedias now. Tempus fugit!
Skip groans and drags himself away.
BOWDEN (CONT'D)
My apologies! Let us skip ahead—
GRIGORI
Is that allowed?
BOWDEN
Sure! Under, ah, res ipsa loquitor, “the thing speaks for itself.”
GRIGORI
…okay. Let us skip ahead to...Section 12, subsection 15. Your Birkin bags.
ELLIE MAE
Excuse me?!
GRIGORI
You never have had a Birkin bag before we met. Now you have four. Those bags were bought with money we made together. I’ll take two. I already checked the resale value on The RealReal. Is very good.
BOWDEN
Ms. Sederstrom?
ELLIE MAE
...one. You can have one bag.
GRIGORI
No stalling. I know you always keep at least one bag with you.
ELLIE MAE
Don’t fret, Grigori. I’ll give you your bag very, very soon.
TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. SERVER ROOM
FYODOR
I must insist, tovariches, that you complete your work imminently.
MACKENZIE
What’s the rush?
FYODOR
It is almost time for Battlebots on Discovery Channel. I like to watch them destroy each other.
MACKENZIE
I admit, that’s a good reason. (typing) Holy...Glll…Iidlewyld? Get over here!
GLORIA
(hushed)
What?
MACKENZIE
(hushed)
Are these genome sequences?
GLORIA
They look like it. But there are huge portions missing. This...isn’t what we expected.
MACKENZIE
There have to be hundreds of thousands of sequenced individuals.
GLORIA
What? That’s impossible. Underground Immortals doesn’t have that many clients! There aren’t that many criminals who could afford them. Who are these people?
MACKENZIE
It’s going to take us forever to search through—
GLORIA
Oh my god, look at that entry!
MACKENZIE
Where?
GLORIA
Thirty-four dobro nine oh six!
MACKENZIE
(out loud)
Einstein-comma-Albert? What the hell is this, Fyodor?
GLORIA
You do not have Albert Einstein’s body in storage!
FYODOR
Of course not.
MACKENZIE
But you have...thirty-nine percent of his genome?
GLORIA
You don’t think—
MACKENZIE
You people are going way beyond cryonics, aren’t you?
GLORIA
Are you trying...human cloning?
MACKENZIE
Is your boss planning on selling clone armies to the Kremlin, Fyodor?
FYODOR
...do you want me to say it or shall you?
GLORIA AND MACKENZIE
Not your department.
FYODOR
Are you going to verify what you need and get out of here so I can watch the greatest American accomplishment, robots with chainsaws?
MACKENZIE
I want to see who you’ve got in here besides Einstein.
GLORIA
Ms Minzer! We’re supposed to be securing Ms Sederstrom’s assets!
MACKENZIE
I have no idea how to organize these files other than searching by individual names!
GLORIA
Fine! I’m going to use this secondary terminal and help clean this mess up.
MACKENZIE
(Typing)
I’m gonna search for... Richard...Nixon...
GLORIA
Why are you searching for Richard Nixon?
MACKENZIE
I want to clone him!
GLORIA
Why?
MACKENZIE
Punch him in the face.
GLORIA
If you seriously want to clone someone, then go clone Einstein!
FYODOR
The technology does not yet exist to clone any of these subjects, even if you have reason.
GLORIA
I’m sure we can think of a reason to bring back Albert Einstein.
MCGRATH
I can. To punch him in the face.
GLORIA
Why?
MACKENZIE
Philandering.
GLORIA
I don’t think Ivanov is creating this database to resurrect people for the sole purpose of punching them in the face.
MACKENZIE
I don’t see why not.
GLORIA
This is the next phase of Underground Immortals’ cryonics technology! Eight Russian drug dealers are nothing compared to a clone army!
SFX: The door opens.
SKIP
Almost finished, tech auditors?
GLORIA
We’re barely started!
SKIP
WHAT?!?
Gloria runs over to Skip and whispers:
GLORIA
Skip, this goes way deeper than we could have imagined! Whitmire will be thrilled! We’ll get there, just buy us some time!
SKIP
I’ll do my best. But Bowden has exhausted his Latin, and moved onto lines from Legal Eagle Youtube videos!
GLORIA
I’m sure you can come up with something!
SFX: Skip closes the door, grumbling.
MACKENZIE
Hey, Fyodor. Who would you bring back?
FYODOR
That is not my—
MACKENZIE
—department, right, but c’mon, there’s gotta be someone you’re curious about, right?
GLORIA
Will you stop and get back to work? The lawyer is running out of….lawyering!
MACKENZIE
Don’t be a killjoy. C’mon Fyodor. Who would you bring back?
FYODOR
...I would revive Lavrentiy Pavlovich Beria.
MACKENZIE
Who?
FYODOR
Head of Soviet State Security under Josef Stalin himself, the most ruthless and powerful secret police chief ever produced by Mother Russia, a man feared even by his allies and whose name meant death to his enemies.
GLORIA
Why on earth would you bring back a man like that?
FYODOR
...to punch him in the face.
MACKENZIE
Yeah, Fyodor!
(She high fives him.)
GLORIA
I think you two aren’t being quite respectful of this technology—
MACKENZIE
Here he is! Beria! 94 percent!
FYODOR
Very close to face-punching.
MACKENZIE
We could just swap in some shark DNA.
FYODOR
It would be improvement.
GLORIA
Perhaps we should—
MACKENZIE
We could bring back Breshnev and make them punch each other in the face.
FYODOR
Throw in Woodrow Wilson and I am sold.
MACKENZIE
Let’s do this.
GLORIA
Ms. Minzer, what are you doing??
MACKENZIE
I’m getting Fyodor to help me sort through this vast database.
GLORIA
...ohhhh—
MACKENZIE
So we can find more people to punch in the face.
FYODOR
Adolph Hitler!
MACKENZIE
If they have Hitler I’m just gonna delete him.
FYODOR
Margaret Thatcher?
MACKENZIE
Coming right up...
TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
BOWDEN
And so by the pendente lite of mutatis mutandis, as seen in QWERTY vs. Dvorak under the Nevada laws of champerty, the heartbalm tort referred to in Section 64 dot b shall be rendered only unto a fertile octogenarian via trial by combat. Any questions?
GRIGORI
Yes.
BOWDEN (crestfallen)
Oh?
GRIGORI
Are we almost finished? I am ready to sign.
BOWDEN
Thank God.
ELLIE MAE
Oh Mr. Lakewood?
SKIP (running in, out of breath)
Yes?
ELLIE MAE
We’re almost done here.
SKIP
Uhhh no we need more time! I mean...Ms Idlewyld and Ms Minzer need more time.
BOWDEN
Will you excuse us for just a moment, Mr. Ivanov?
GRIGORI
Don’t mind me. I’ll check my voicemails.
BOWDEN (hushed)
We’re kinda out of things to say here!
ELLIE MAE
Perhaps it’s time to bring in my Birkin bag.
SKIP
Now?
ELLIE MAE
Now.
SKIP
Okay, let’s hope this works...
SFX: Skip goes. Grigori flips through the documents.
GRIGORI
Are we ready now? Last page. I see you’ve signed already, my darling.
ELLIE MAE
I have. But before you sign, there’s just one more item you’ll want to see.
SFX: Skip comes back, trying to figure out how to carry an amorphously shaped bag full of hermetically
sealed frozen heads.
GRIGORI
What is in bag?
BOWDEN
I believe it’s one final item for discussion—
ELLIE MAE
First, you can bring me my dogs.
GRIGORI
Very well. Little guy: they are across the hall, in the room marked “kennel.”
SKIP
I really don’t think I can get all forty-three dogs in one trip.
GRIGORI
The dog kennel is modular. Just use forklift.
SKIP
...you mean...all...this time... there was...a forklift?
ELLIE MAE
Oops.
SKIP (exhausted sigh)
...try to...be thorough in your negotiations, Mr. Watson?
BOWDEN
Doing my best here, Mr. Lakewood! (Skip goes) So! Perhaps before we discuss this final item, we should...discuss the...modus ponens of the...vas
deferens—
SFX: Ellie Mae DUMPS the bag out, letting the heads roll around the table. Grigori GASPS!
BOWDEN
Or, we could just dump severed heads all over the table.
GRIGORI
Dmitri, Sacha, Boris, Yekaterina, Andrei, Svetlana, Leonid, and Pavel? How? I had them in freezer
unit—
ELLIE MAE
I think you’ll find, if you go look in your freezer unit, several frozen cantaloupes.
SFX: Out in the hallway, several ANNOYING BEEPS, and muffled DOG BARKS. Skip enters.
SKIP
Okay the dogs are here! Oh. I see you’re still in the middle of negotiations.
GRIGORI
I should have you arrested. You stole from me! Tell her what laws she has broken here!
BOWDEN
...oh me? Uhhhh well carrying heads in a Birkin bag is certainly a fashion crime of some sort—
GRIGORI
Fine, enough. These are mine now. I will sign these papers and you will get out.
SKIP
Uhhhhhh….
GRIGORI
And when I bring my old friends back, perhaps you will find them waiting for you in your new house one night.
ELLIE MAE
I don’t see how you could bring them back, seeing as I flushed their stem cells down the toilet.
BOWDEN
Oh! Snap!
GRIGORI
SUKA!
BOWDEN
Now sign.
ELLIE MAE
Gladly!
SKIP (hushed)
Bowden! Stop this!
BOWDEN (hushed)
How?
ELLIE MAE
The most beautiful document I’ve ever prepared—
SFX: Skip steps forward and SLAPS the papers out of their hands, SPILLING PAPER EVERYWHERE.
ELLIE MAE (CONT'D)
(having a breakdown) My...my paperwork!
GRIGORI
Why did you do that, Lakewood?
SKIP
Frankly I’m a little shocked that I was capable of such a thing.
ELLIE MAE
It’s the most horrifying carnage I’ve ever seen!
BOWDEN
Again, the table is literally covered in severed heads.
ELLIE MAE
(picking up the scraps) Section IV! Article 3! Addendum six dot J!
(turning on Skip) YOU.
SKIP
Ellie Mae listen -
ELLIE MAE
You disgust me! What did I ever see in you?
GRIGORI
HIM?
ELLIE MAE
YOU’RE AN INHUMAN MONSTER!
SKIP
I’m sorry I just...
SFX: Ellie Mae starts strangling him.
BOWDEN
Order in the court!
GRIGORI
You know what? Screw your paperwork!
ELLIE MAE
You take that back!
GRIGORI
I need one piece of paper— (plucks it up) This one! I’m signing it...there! (he does) DIVORCED! (scoops up handfuls) Take your papers and get out with your mangy dogs!
ELLIE MAE
I’LL GIVE YOU DOGS!!
SKIP
No no no leave the kennel latched!
SFX: Ellie Mae yanks open the kennel and FORTY DOGS RUN EVERYWHERE. Skip, Bowden, and Grigori cry out as the dogs jump on them. Ellie Mae laughs in manic triumph.
TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. SERVER ROOM
MACKENZIE
Okay, let’s see what we’ve got so far. On drums, we’re gonna bring back Keith Moon—
FYODOR
On the guitar we got Bulat Okudzhava—
MACKENZIE
I’m deferring to you on that, but I appreciate the MP3s you gave me.
FYODOR
Pozhalista.
GLORIA
(exasperated)
I’m over here pulling my hair out trying to organize these files, are you two almost finished??
MACKENZIE
Regina Spektor on keyboards, which is a little weird because she’s not dead, but we do have 100% of her DNA here so I guess we can clone her, and then Philomena said John Lennon.
SFX: McGrath and Fyodor scoff.
GLORIA
I’m a little busy here! I don’t have time to workshop a better choice.
FYODOR
Square.
GLORIA
I mean, come on! How can you bring a band back from the dead and not use John Lennon?
MACKENZIE
I got a better use for him.
GLORIA
What?
MACKENZIE AND FYODOR
Punch him in the face.
MACKENZIE
Up top Fyodor!
FYODOR
Kruto!
GLORIA (hushed)
Ms. Minzer, have you almost gotten through your portion of the data?
MACKENZIE
Just about. Fyodor did great! I have to—hey!
SFX: A dog barges through the lab.
GLORIA
What’s that dog doing here?
MACKENZIE
Fyodor, keep him away from the power strips!
FYODOR (in Russian)
Dog! Here! Or I will make you into steaks!
SFX: Another dog runs in.
MACKENZIE
Gah! Another one!
GLORIA
Eugh! It has three eyes!
MACKENZIE
Get off me, mutt! Idlewyld, get them out!
GLORIA
Okay fine! Here boys! Or girls! Or preferred doggie genders OH MY GOD
SFX: Gloria opens the door and FORTY CLONED DOGS BURST INTO THE ROOM! Fyodor runs everywhere,
trying to stop them!
BOWDEN
LOOK OUT!
MACKENZIE
What the hell BOWDEN?!
GLORIA
They’re getting into the wiring!
SFX: BANG!
MACKENZIE
Oh shit! Call 911!
FYODOR
Not my department!
MACKENZIE
Not YOUR department, the FIRE department!
BOWDEN
Come on, we need to get out of here!
MACKENZIE
We’re gonna lose the tech! We’re gonna lose our perfect resurrected clone band!
SFX: BOOM!
GLORIA
Forget the tech! Run!
QUICK TRANSITION
SFX: Skip bursts out of the building, coughing and spluttering.
SKIP
Ellie Mae! Stop!
ELLIE MAE (calling)
We’re done, Skip. It’s clear to me now, it was never going to work out between us. Mush, Fluffy!
SFX:Forty dogs start pulling Ellie Mae away into the distant desert. Skip tries to catch his breath. Then BANG! An EXPLOSION ROCKS the facility behind him.
SKIP
Jeez! McGrath! Bowden! Gloria! Did everyone get out?
MACKENZIE
I think so.
GLORIA
Is that Ellie Mae mushing a team of dogs away across the sand?
BOWDEN
Using an antique French chifferobe as a sled?
SKIP
Into the moving truck, team! We’ll catch her—oh.
MACKENZIE
Oh what?
SKIP
The license plates are missing.
GLORIA
Oh look at that. One of her dogs is eating them.
SKIP
She did it. Ellie Mae, that criminal mastermind, knew I would never knowingly commit a moving violation by following her in a van with no plates...
MACKENZIE
OH GIMME A BREAK SKIP.
SKIP
Right. Of course. Gloria, you drive. Let’s—
SFX: Keys jingle as Skip holds them out to Gloria
FYODOR (running past)
Apologies, tovariches! Do svidaniya!
SKIP
My keys!
BOWDEN
Did you fall on them again?
SKIP
No, he took my keys!
SFX: The van tears away.
MACKENZIE
Fyodor, what the hell man? I thought we were buds! What about our band?
GRIGORI (running nearby)
Fyodor! Come back and help rescue my research!
FYODOR (as he disappears in the distance)
Not my department!
BOWDEN
How far to the nearest town?
GLORIA
Sixty-three miles.
SFX: Skip sighs, pulls out his phone, and dials.
SKIP
Section Chief?
ZELDA (ON THE PHONE)
This had better be good.
SKIP
Remember you told me not to call unless something was on fire?
SFX: Behind them, the building collapses while Grigori runs amok.
MUSIC AND END CREDITS!
STINGER:
EXT. ANTARCTIC TUNDRA
SFX: Howling wind, etc. Ellie Mae calls out to her clone dogs.
ELLIE MAE
Thatta boy Foster! Good boy Charles! We’re almost there! Attaboy! Yes! Yes!
SFX: SLED STOPS, DOGS BARK CONTENTEDLY, FOOTSTEPS CRUNCHING ON THE ICE
DAVIN
Ms Sederstrom, I presume? You chose quite the remote location for our clandestine meeting. Your...dogs... certainly make an impression. I presume you have what I’m looking for?
ELLIE MAE
I do, Mister Ford!
SFX: More footsteps crunching on the ice, happy dog pants
ELLIE MAE
Yes, Fluffy! Mommy is so happy she got you in the divorce settlement, too! I just need your collar here…
SFX: She snaps off the collar.
ELLIE MAE
And inside we should have...
SFX: Crack! And DING!
ELLIE MAE
There you are.
SFX: The dog leaps on her.
ELLIE MAE
Ohohoho! You’re excited, yes! Who’s a good boy? Who hid this vital genetic sequencer in a chip in his collar for me? Was it you? Yes! Yes it was! Yes you hid this vital genetic sequencer in a chip in your collar for me! Good boy!
DAVIN
And it works?
ELLIE MAE
Perfectly. I discovered it was successful about five minutes before I discovered my husband’s infidelity. I destroyed the evidence of the effective trial and transferred the notes to this chip, wiping the original files from the Underground Immortals server.
DAVIN
So the EMF didn’t recover the complete technology themselves? You know my employers prefer to have sole proprietary rights, as opposed to the EMF’s new policy of— (shudders) —sharing advancements with John and Jane Q. Public.
ELLIE MAE
The technology resides solely with me. Even if the bunker hadn’t imploded they would never have been able to make it work without this. So, I’m sure we can work out a licensing deal.
DAVIN
Miss Ivanov, perhaps I was unclear. For you to be on our payroll, we’d like to purchase the technology outright, for future use. I don’t know anybody that we currently need cloned or revived from the dead.
ELLIE MAE
Perhaps I can interest you in a particular individual.
DAVIN
I can’t think of who.
ELLIE MAE
Follow me.
SFX: More footsteps on the ice, a metal gate clinking open
ELLIE MAE
I have just come into possession of a new frozen head.
DAVIN
I thought you said all the heads were destroyed.
ELLIE MAE
All of our company’s heads were.
SFX: Ellie Mae sets a heavy object on the countertop.
ELLIE MAE
This head was frozen in a more...traditional way. It cost me recover it. The brain may not be salvageable, but with this gene sequencer, we should be able to
clone an entirely new body.
DAVIN
It was frozen in ice?
ELLIE MAE
Yes. Here. In Antarctica.
DAVIN
...wait. You don’t mean—
SFX: HISS! A cryogenic pod hisses open. Ellie Mae giggles. Davin GASPS!
DAVIN (CONT'D)
Is that —
ELLIE MAE
Yes, Mr. Ford! The frozen head of Hunter Ridley Randolph Fletcher. Although you might know him
better...as the Admiral!
END MUSIC!