Season Four, Episode Seven: “TINDER GRINDR SOLIDER SPY”
TRANSCRIPT

INT. EMF SUPERMAX - NIGHT
SFX: The cell door being opened.

ATHENA
Thanks for walking me home from prom, dork. I’d invite you in...but my dad’s here.

MACKENZIE
Right. Well... see you at work, I guess.

ATHENA
Listen, don’t make this weird. We had a nice moment. Personally, I had more than one.

MACKENZIE
Yeah, well, don’t go blabbing to your cellmates about it.

ATHENA
You mean about how you hit your head on the locker when...

MACKENZIE
Just. BE. QUIET. I need to think. And put some ice on my head.

SFX: McGrath shuts the cell door and walks towards the elevator. She shivers, she chuckles to herself, she sighs. She’s having a moment.

MACKENZIE (CONT’D)
Wow. A supervillain is in love with me. This is so weird.

SFX: She opens the door to the hall and is startled by...

SKIP
McGrath! Are you all right?

MACKENZIE
Yeah yeah Skip I’m fine.

SKIP
You were taking a while so I just came to make sure everything went smoothly with Athena.

MACKENZIE
What?

SKIP
Her drop-off.

MACKENZIE
Right. I...dropped her off. Everything’s...good.

SKIP
Good. We upgraded some security measures so I just wanted to make sure, you know, nothing went wrong!

MACKENZIE
Great.

SFX: DING! The elevator arrives and opens. They begin the ride back up to the office sub-level.

SKIP
I have to say, I had a wonderful time at the prom. I hope I didn’t offend you by dancing with your mother, I meant nothing untoward!

MACKENZIE
It’s fine, Skip.

SKIP
There’s just something so energizing about -

MACKENZIE
What new security measures?

SKIP
Oh, in Supermax you mean?

MACKENZIE
Yeah.

SKIP
You know that blind spot you noticed in the automated camera system, right inside the door?

MACKENZIE
Y...es?

SKIP
They installed some new hidden cameras to cover that area. The tech team swore to me that Athena would not be able to hack -

MACKENZIE
So they can see everything?

SKIP
Well, the automated computer system records it. It’s reviewed hourly.

MACKENZIE
Uh huh.

SKIP
Is everything okay?

MACKENZIE
...okay Skip I have to tell you something.

SKIP
Absolutely McGrath, you can tell me anything.

MACKENZIE
I...so I...I’m having real trouble saying this out loud.

SKIP
I completely understand. When I have that kind of trouble, I say it in code.

MACKENZIE
In code.

SKIP
You did read this month’s passphrases and codes in my monthly newsletter, right?

MACKENZIE
I...feel like the code words aren’t gonna cover this situation.

SKIP
Give it a try!

MACKENZIE
Okay. Um. “Mockingbird”.

SKIP
Uh huh!

MACKENZIE
“Got into the”...”juniper bushes”...

SKIP
...uh huh...?

MACKENZIE
“with”...”the Kid LeRoi”.

SKIP
...you regret trying the gooseberry and bacon donuts at Little Caesars?

MACKENZIE
Forget it.

SKIP
McGrath I’m here for you, you can just say it.

MACKENZIE
FINE. I -

SFX: BWARM. The power GOES OUT! The elevator BUMPS THEM AROUND! Skip and McGrath fall to the floor!

SKIP
Ouch, my keys! Are you okay McGrath?

MACKENZIE
I banged my stupid elbow...I thought these elevators had backup batteries!

SKIP
They do! I don’t know how -

SFX: BLATT! BLATT! The ALARMS WHOOP!

SKIP (CONT’D)
Oh no.

MACKENZIE
What’s happening?

SKIP
The exact pitch and rhythm of those alarms mean that the entire building is under a massive cyberattack!

MACKENZIE
What? How?

SKIP
I don’t know! But this elevator is under lockdown! We’ll have to wait for rescue, and then we can figure out who is responsible for this!

MACKENZIE
Oh. Shit.

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC!

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents: the back-ups. Tonight’s episode: Tinder Grindr Soldier Spy.

INT. ZELDA’S KITCHEN - MORNING

SFX: Birds tweet outside. Chet shuffles around the kitchen and pours himself a glass of orange juice.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Well well! Another glorious sunrise! You know, we’ve been here for weeks, and I still swell with surprise at what a quaint Colonial your Section Chief and the head of the CIA share together! Lucky for us they’ve allowed us to crash on the sofabed!

CHET
We’re not crashing, we’re hiding.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
That’s right! Crawling into our government-funded hole, like the bedraggled foxes we -

SFX: Chet uncorks something.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD) (CONT’D)
What is that? Oh, a flask? Hitting the sauce a little early, aren’t we Chet?

CHET
It’s not alcohol. It’s mercury. Bottom’s up.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
NO!

SFX: The Admiral forces Chet to THROW the flask across the room!

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD) (CONT’D)
That was a trick. You couldn’t get your hands on a flask full of mercury without my knowledge.

CHET
You don’t know that. You’re in my mind, but you can’t read my mind. Next time I won’t give a warning.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Let’s calm ourselves, Chet. I can see that your prolonged sabbatical from field work is causing you anguish.

CHET
I can’t go into the field because of you!

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Why not? Why would I let some terrible fate befall you? We could be partners! Just tell me what you want from me!

CHET
I want you to be quiet.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Then I shall! Enjoy your orange juice!

SFX: Chet drinks. The front door opens somewhere.

ZELDA
Phillips?

CHET
I’m in the kitchen, Chief!

SFX: Zelda walks in.

ZELDA
Planning on getting out of that robe sometime today? My robe, I might add.

CHET
I -

ZELDA
Is there mercury on my wall?

CHET
I’m sorry, it was an accident with a thermometer, I’ll clean it up.

ZELDA
(Groans)

CHET
Any further word on the sabotage at HQ? It’s been a week, do they know what happened yet?

ZELDA
Athena O’Brien shorted out our entire security grid, destroying every computer system in the building. She then escaped, along with all of our other incarcerated prisoners.

CHET
OK, priority number one has to be finding Athena. She’s out there somewhere, who knows what she -

ZELDA
O’Brien has been recaptured.

CHET
Wh...how?

ZELDA
I just met with Secretary Whitmire. After verbally eviscerating me, he informed me that some of his hired contractors have returned O’Brien to his custody.

CHET
What contractors?

ZELDA
I believe his exact words were, “none of your, eh, beeswax”.

CHET
Then where’s he keeping Athena?

SFX: Zelda opens the cabinet to get some cereal. It's just an empty box.

ZELDA
Did you eat all of the cereal and then put back the boxes?

CHET
Zelda! Where’s Athena?

ZELDA
Chances are, an unmarked grave.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
How unfortunate! A great soul has passed to the ocean below -

CHET
Couldn’t keep quiet for ten minutes, could you?

ZELDA
Does the asset in your head have anything meaningful to contribute?

CHET
I dunno, do you?

ADMIRAL
Perhaps we could hire a trio of fiddlers to perform at a memorial service -

CHET
No, he doesn’t.

ZELDA
Something stinks about this whole thing. Yes, we should have kept a tighter leash on O’Brien, but Whitmire is getting too cozy hiring these loosely vetted contractors. Including Davin Ford, who has now conveniently escaped our Supermax and is...

SFX: Zelda opens the dishwasher

ZELDA (CON'T)
JESUS CHRIST PHILLIPS, how many glasses did you stuff into the dishwasher JUST RUN IT!

CHET
I’m sorry! I’m not...used to being home bound.

ZELDA
We have got to get you out of here before I kill you.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Yes, please!

CHET
I’m open to suggestions.

ZELDA
...Whitmire hasn’t shut our operations down...yet. I have a mission that might be your speed.

SFX: Zelda hands him a tape recorder. Chet pushes play.

MISSION VOICE
Good morning, Agent Granger.

CHET
Granger?

ZELDA
You’ve been out for six months, Chet, what did you think would happen?

CHET
I...fair enough.

MISSION VOICE
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to infiltrate the Milwaukee Love Con and -

SFX: SNAP. Chet turns the tape off.

CHET
You want me to lead a mission -

ZELDA
No. I want you to assist on a mission.

CHET
In Milwaukee -

ZELDA
Mm hm.

CHET
...at a dating convention?

ZELDA
That’s right.

CHET
...you gonna behave, Admiral?

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Absolutely!

CHET
Okay. I accept.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC INTO...

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

SFX: The general beeps and boops. But otherwise it’s silent. No one says anything for a while.

GLORIA
.....So how’s everyone doing?

BOWDEN
All of the prisoners from supermax escaped in one fell swoop, so I’m doing the same as how Roger Ebert described Deuce Bigalow - European Gigolo: not great.

SKIP
It’s true, everyone. Not only is it a blight on the otherwise pristine reputation of the EMF...

SFX: McGrath guffaws.

SKIP (CONT’D)
... but it leaves us in pretty dire straits. The powers that be are slashing non-essential departments left and right, and we’ve already lost our clearance to hold top security prisoners...This might be just the fodder Whitmire needs to pull the final trigger.

GLORIA
He can’t shut us down!

SKIP
He won’t. Not if I have anything to say about it. And I do! If there’s one thing I’ve learned about this team, it’s to believe in us! I mean, we just saved a high school prom! I know it doesn’t sound impressive, but you were all there! There was some funky stuff going down.

BOWDEN
McGrath? You’re uncharacteristically stoic.

MACKENZIE
I mean what is there to say? Athena was hopeless. There was no way to reform her and you shouldn’t have trusted her.

SKIP
I understand you’re angry, McGrath. I am too. There are three whole worn out stress balls in my garbage bin! But the healthiest thing for us to do is drown ourselves in our work! Speaking of: McGrath, slide projector.

MACKENZIE
(Growls)

SKIP (CONT’D)
Okay -- Gloria, slide projector!

SFX: Gloria sets it up.

BOWDEN
I’m pulling for a Get Smart style adventure where there ends up being a violin hidden in the piano. We haven’t had one of those yet.

SKIP
No black tie orchestras or PG-13 pants scorchings, Bowden. We’ve got our sights set on this man: Xavier Delaurier. His father, Francisco Delaurier is the Minister of National Ballistics Strategy in Andorra, but Francisco’s gotten into some crooked dealings with the Swiss mob.

GLORIA
The Swiss Mob? Is that... a thing?

BOWDEN
I call movie rights!

GLORIA
...to the entire Swiss mob?

BOWDEN
Trust me, the streamers will buy ANY IP.

SKIP
We have sources that tell us Francisco Delaurier may be planning a rogue strike on some of our allies in the Baltic.

GLORIA
So... if it’s not a state sanctioned attack, why not just... tell on him? To the government?

MCGRATH
Cuz we’re not narcs.

SKIP
Uh...not quite. Because the Andorran government will need the location of those missiles or other evidence before they start making accusations or taking actions that could spark an international incident.

BOWDEN
Okay, an information extraction. What does Francisco’s kid have to do with it?

SKIP
Well, Francisco is trained in defensive espionage and he’ll see any extraction attempt a mile away. Sources say that Xavier is also privy to his father’s business dealings, but he hasn’t had the same training, and he doesn’t share... well, he’s not really...

MCGRATH
Lemme guess: he’s an absolute shit for brains.

SKIP
Well I wouldn’t say it that way, but... yes. As the son of a wealthy minister, Xavier has received some of the best education in the world. But, he does nothing with it and spends his days drinking, gambling, and most of all, pursuing women.

BOWDEN
Sounds like he’d do okay at Table C at the Golden Globes.

GLORIA
Well, opportunity for a social discussion regarding class, wealth, and education aside, what does this mean for us?

SKIP
We’re going to meet Xavier where he is. Xavier likes to date in the most casual sense possible. He’s a frequenter of many dating apps. Hinge, Tinder, VeryWellCupid, ChristianMingle, FarmerMingle, GardenerMingle...

GLORIA
SubmarineSingles?

SKIP
Um... yes. He’s such a frequent user that he’s been invited to the Milwaukee Love Convention, where new dating apps can meet potential users, advertisers, investors, and try out some of their newest algorithms and methodologies. Xavier has been specially invited to attend as a VIP, given his avid usage of these apps. We’re going to target him there.

MACKENZIE
‘How?’ she asked, already knowing she wouldn’t like the answer.

SKIP
By setting one of us up on a blind date with him!

GLORIA
Wait... we’re catfishing a civilian? That’s a big betrayal of trust and could mess him up for a while after. I gotta say, I have a problem with this plan.

SKIP
I understand Gloria, and normally I’d agree with you. But Xavier’s behavior on these apps may change your mind. I had our security team pull a few screenshots of his most recent conversation.

SFX: Click of the slide projector

GLORIA
.... I have no problem with this plan.

MCGRATH
“I’m hot, you’re semi hot, let’s get together and make babies (but don’t get a big ego, I’m just bored tonight)”. Oh my god! This guy is the worst!

BOWDEN
Back in the old days, all you needed to catch a dame was a top hat and some tap dancing skills.

GLORIA
And I can confirm firsthand that still works.

BOWDEN
Mmmmm Hmmm!

SKIP
What’s more, Xavier isn’t just a jerk; unfortunately, he can be somewhat successful on these apps. It seems to be the perfect mix of psychological negging, targeting the emotionally vulnerable, and pictures of squatting next to a car he doesn’t own.

GLORIA
No pictures of him holding up a dead fish at least.

MACKENZIE
God, see? This is why I’ve always said that dating apps are THE WORST. Like, worse than watching Skip arranging the food in our kitchen cabinets by bar code. Everyone on there has an angle and you can’t trust anyone.

SKIP
Well regardless, we all need to brush up in order to target Xavier at the convention. Each of us should make a profile on two or three different apps, just to familiarize ourselves.

GLORIA
Is there one for people who like scuba-diving and eating pasta after? If so, dibs on that one.

BOWDEN
Okay, so we’re all going to this convention. But there will be a ton of people there! How are we going to make sure we get the introduction to Xavier if he’s going as a VIP? You can’t just walk up to the Best Director nominees at the Oscars and try to get them to cast you in their next picture. I know.

SKIP
Why, with the help of an expert professional matchmaker! Who just so happens to already be a part of the EMF family.

SFX: The door bursts open.

STEFAN
HellOOOO my little cherubs!

BOWDEN
Stefan?? From wardrobe!? Skip, no!

STEFAN
Are we all ready to fall in love?

MACKENZIE
Kick rocks Stefan.

STEFAN
Oohhhkay, someone needs a spa day. And not just for that atrociously dry skin.

SFX: McGrath lunges at him

GLORIA
Oh, no, no, Miss McGrath, no!

SKIP
Don’t listen to them, Stefan, we’re very happy to have you here. But remember, this isn’t about actually matching us up, it’s about matching us with the target.

STEFAN
Yes of course. But I can’t ignore it if there’s love in the air.

GLORIA
It’s nice to see you Stefan, but Skip, is Stefan qualified to do this?

STEFAN
Of course I am! I run a small, but wildly successful if you’re generous with the definition, matchmaking business. Doing wardrobe for your little skits is my side hustle.

MACKENZIE
Skits? You know these are government sanctioned secret missions, right?

SKIP
Stefan knows the lingo, and with the fake credentials we make him, he’ll have authority at LoveCon, enough to hopefully make an introduction between us and Xavier.

BOWDEN
Skip, this is a bad idea. Haven’t I told you why Stefan and I are nemeses? He’s absolutely vicious, he tears you down psychologically, destroying the very core of your being!

STEFAN
We’re not nemeses Bowden, I just told you that people sometimes find your incessant namedropping off- putting and it’s stopping you from being an overall pretty solid catch.

BOWDEN
SEE?

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. CONVENTION HALL - LATER

SFX: The sound of a big crowd in the background.

ATTENDANT
Ah Xavier Delaurier. Thank you for coming, we’re very excited to have you join us this weekend.

XAVIER
Look no one wants to come to Milwaukee. But desperate females and an open bar? I’m there.

ATTENDANT
Yes, well... as a valued Obsidian member of 7 out of 8 participating apps, we really wanted to give you the VIP treatment. Show you exactly what we’re all about here at Milwaukee Love Con.

XAVIER
I hope you’re not hitting on me because I would never.

ATTENDANT
Of course Mr. Delaurier, we’ve simply been instructed to give you the guest of honor treatment. Right this way.

SFX: The sound of them walking.

ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
Now, in each room, app developers have set up a different mixer or activity to structure mingling. As an Obsidian VIP member, you can move from room to room as you wish. Just show them your wristband and you’ll be given line hopper abilities and open bar privileges. We’re confident that you’ll be able to find love here.

XAVIER
HA! Yeah. Maybe.

ATTENDANT
Well, here’s hoping! Now, feel free to roam as you wish, but I believe Room 1 right here is open now. Please enjoy, Mr. Delaurier.

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION ACROSS THE ROOM

GLORIA (COMMS)
Team Cupid? The overdue book has entered the return slot.

SKIP (COMMS)
I see him. I’m behind the bar, getting a tray of drinks. I’ll bring one over to him in just a moment and plant the bug on him then.

BOWDEN (COMMS)
I’m at the bar watching Skip get these drinks. Skip, that is not how you make a dirty martini.

SKIP (COMMS)
How is that possible? Isn’t the recipe the name?

GLORIA (COMMS)
Focus, Bo! You’re a dashing millionaire playboy here to philander and romance your way through Milwaukee, just in case Delaurier is only prepared to talk shop to another man. Just be smooth and debonair.

BOWDEN (COMMS)
In my sleep.

SKIP (COMMS)
McGrath, are you ready to move in on the target?

MACKENZIE (COMMS)
No. What makes you think I’d ever be ready to go flirt with some doofus jerkhead who thinks a sideways baseball hat makes him look cool? And why did I get this job anyway? There’s no way I’ll be able to pull this off.

STEFAN (COMMS)
Well my dear, we know Xavier is only interested in women and he also was very clear on his bio that he “only dates women between 5’ 5’’ and 5’7’’ so he doesn’t have to reach the top shelf for them, but they’re also not taller than him”.

GLORIA (COMMS)
I’ve never been so glad to be 5’ 4’’.

MACKENZIE (COMMS)
Lord give me strength.

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION

SKIP
Excuse me sir, can I interest you in a libation?

XAVIER
No thanks, I don’t like houseplants.

SKIP
No, sir, a libation is a drink.

ANNOUNCER (OVER PA)
Will all lovebirds please find the seat that matches their number?

XAVIER
Come back to me, buddy. I gotta date.
(footsteps)
Ah, here we are. Number twelve?

FIONA
That’s right. You must be -

XAVIER
Number one, kid! The only number you’ll need today!

FIONA
I’m sure. I’m Fiona. Nice... fingerguns.

XAVIER
Thanks. The name’s Xavier.

SFX: Xavier sits. Skip runs in and gets Fiona’s chair for her.

SKIP
Let me get that chair for you, ma’am!

FIONA
Thank you!

XAVIER
Oh, you again.

SKIP
Ready for your libation-- uh, drink, sir? May I suggest a Twisted Long Island Iced Tea?

XAVIER
Get me a Kamakazi shot, Stoli- TruLime-blue, and a Jim Beam chaser neat with a drop of Icelandic. And she’ll have a Sex on the Beach.

FIONA
I will?

XAVIER
We can be in Miami in two hours. (to Skip) You got all that, Einstein?

SKIP
I’ve got it sir, Kamikaze (which is really a rather outdated and insensitive name for a shot) made with Stolichnaya TruLime crystal powder and blue curacao, and Jim Beam with no ice and a drop of Icelandic Glacial Water TM.

FIONA
Wow. That was impressive.

SKIP
Oh, it's not like I’ve created a personal method of mentally organizing lists by color association...

FIONA
(interested) Really?

XAVIER
Just go get the drinks.

SKIP
Certainly sir!

SFX: Skip runs off.

XAVIER
So time’s tickin’. Guess I’ll just tell you about myself. I drive a one-of-a-kind chrome white Tesla speedster. When I’m in the cities of course. But when I go off- roading, it’s a Polaris Razor Trail and oh my god, she’s my baby. Her body! It’s sexy. This machine is one of a kind. And I can tell, you’ve never been out in the Italian countryside, so lemme tell you what it’s like--

SKIP
Here you are sir, ma’am!

SFX: Skip places the drinks on the table.

FIONA
Oh thank god. I mean, Mr Waiter... hey do you think that organization method of yours is something you could teach other people?

SKIP
Well, if they were interested -

FIONA
Show me now!! Please.

SKIP
Oh! Uh, sure, I guess. I have to keep serving drinks but you can walk with me.

SFX: She gets up and walks away.

XAVIER
Wait... what the--

SFX: DING!

ANNOUNCER (ON PA)
Alright participants, times up! Now shift!

TRANSITION
Elsewhere in the convention, Gloria and Stefan get on comms.

GLORIA
Skip, did you get the bug on Xavier?

SKIP (ON COMMS)
He didn’t take his drink with him!

FIONA (THROUGH SKIP’S COMMS)
So I actually studied organizational systems in college. Which approach is yours based off of?

GLORIA
Who’s that?

SKIP (ON COMMS)
It’s no one, uh, kitchen! Just prep the next, uh, meal!

SFX: Static burst as Skip hangs up.

GLORIA
Ms. McGrath, time to get into position.

MACKENZIE
Mm hm.

GLORIA
Remember, less scowl, more smile.

MACKENZIE
Rrrrrrrrgh.

GLORIA
Uh, let’s just go with a neutral expression.

SFX: McGrath grunts and stomps off.

GLORIA (CONT’D)
Stefan, do your thing.

STEFAN
No one has ever done a thing better! (to himself) Stefan... game face.

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION TO XAVIER'S SECOND DATE

SIMONE
So, my name is Simone, and -

XAVIER
You’re not in sales and organization, are you? Cause the last sales and organization chick I met with was a TOTAL-

STEFAN
Excuse me sir!

XAVIER
Huh?

SIMONE
Who are you?

STEFAN
You are done here Little Miss Get Out Of The Room! Go go go!

SIMONE
AAAAHHH!

SFX: Stefan chases her away, then sits down.

XAVIER
What the hell, man? Who are you?

STEFAN
I am the matchmaker expert of this app, this convention, and this entire universe so you listen up to me.

XAVIER
Listen to you? You’re an asshole!

STEFAN
You’re a magnificent beast!

XAVIER
What does that mean?

STEFAN
Show me your power!

XAVIER
I’m gonna punch you in the face!

STEFAN
Yes!

SFX: Skip bungles over.

SKIP
Can I interest you gentlemen in drinks?

SFX: Fiona walks up.

FIONA
Mr. Waiter, I was thinking about what you said about the Wronski method of color coding and-

XAVIER
You two again? Will you take your dumb, speckly ass and my last failed date out of here?

SFX: Now Simone joins the chaos.

SIMONE
Actually, I think I’m your last failed date, asshole! And let me just say, this was the worst-

SKIP
I’m terribly sorry, ma’ams! Please, allow me to fix this somewhere else. I can get you both a drink at the bar -

SIMONE
(sizing Skip up)
Oh, well if you’re buying, I’ll take it.

STEFAN
Begone! You all go now!

SKIP/FIONA/SIMONE
Oh jeez!/Ahhhh!!!/Yikes!

SFX: Skip goes with Fiona and Simone in tow.

STEFAN
Listen up, you true blue Enkidu. Oh, do I have the match for you.

XAVIER
Oh yeah?

STEFAN
She is unconquerable, untouchable - She chews up lesser men and spits them out!

XAVIER
I mean... I do love a challenge. You know, as long as they’re not too hard.

STEFAN
You sir, are the strong bull who will climb this sheer cliff. Will do you it?

XAVIER
Yeah.

STEFAN
WILL YOU DO IT?

XAVIER
I MEAN, YEAH!

STEFAN
Then GO TO HER! BE THE MOUNTAIN BULL!

XAVIER
I will!

STEFAN
Okay she’s at table sixteen go get her.

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION TO MCGRATH AT TABLE 16.

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
All right team, I’m in position. I can see McGrath at the table, Xavier’s incoming. You look great, Mackenzie!

MACKENZIE
Whatever.

SFX: Xavier approaches and sits.

XAVIER
So! You’re number sixteen! The unconquerable mountain.

MACKENZIE
You’re number one.

XAVIER
Tell me what yer looking for in a man, sweetheart, and I shall provide!

MACKENZIE
I... want a man, man.

XAVIER
Ok... that easy?

MACKENZIE
Young, old, bald, hairy, cis, trans, don’t care. Cuz I just... love men. Are you a man? You got the whole man thing going on?

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
Um Ms. McGrath? Maybe this isn’t quite the tack to take.

XAVIER
Sure do.

MACKENZIE
DING DING DING. We have a winner.

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
Ohhhkay. I mean, if it’s working...

MACKENZIE
Question is... are you man enough?

XAVIER
Lemme tell you, I am SO much more than a man. Who’s the richest guy you ever dated? Cause I got dollar bills.

MACKENZIE
Yeah well, I used to be friends- with-benefits with a billionaire who pays for biodomes with diamonds the size of your head. What else you got?

XAVIER
Ahhhhh well... but, did Elon Musk ever build him a custom car?

MACKENZIE
He tried. Turns out that Elon isn’t all that good a mechanic.

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
McGrath! You’re turning him off! Go back to what you were doing before! It was weird, but it was working!

SFX: Skip the waiter approaches, flanked by women.

SKIP
Mr. Delaurier sir! You forgot your drink!

FIONA
Mr. Waiter! That organizational chart you showed me was incredible! Would you wanna talk about it more... in my room upstairs?

SIMONE
Maybe I could join you?

FIONA
There’s more than enough Mr. Waiter to go around.

XAVIER
Wait... you ladies actually like this asshole? How!?

SKIP
Now now, no need to cause a stir! We’ll get out of your hair.

SFX: Skip and the ladies walk away chatting.

MACKENZIE
Look... #1. You seem like real upper-crust material, but I just don’t know if you have what it takes to give me what I need.

XAVIER
Okay, billionaire-girl, how about this: you know who my father is?

MACKENZIE
Nope.

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
This is it!

XAVIER
The Minister of Ballistics of Andorra.

MACKENZIE
That is not a thing. And you don’t have an accent.

XAVIER
Okay. What would it take to prove it to you?

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION

GLORIA
That’s it! Mackenzie has her in! Skip, did you plant the bug? (silence) Skip?

SFX: White noise burst.

SKIP
Sorry Gloria I had to mute for a moment while -

FIONA
Mr. Waiter, come onnnnn!

SIMONE
Where’s that long tall drink I ordered?

GLORIA
Skip what is going on?

SKIP
Excuse me, madams! (quietly) Just a little unexpected hurdle, everything’s fine. I’ll try again in a minute!

GLORIA
Don’t worry about it, McGrath’s fine. They’re just chatting, she just picked up her water -

SFX: SPLASH. Gasps from the crowd.

GLORIA (CONT’D)
...and threw it in Xavier’s face. Woo.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC

INT. SUPPLY CLOSET

GLORIA
Quick get in! Regroup in mission headquarters!

SFX: Gloria pulls open the door.

STEFAN
In a supply closet?

GLORIA
We work with what we got!

STEFAN
Oh, I love that energy.

SFX: Door shuts.

GLORIA
What happened, Mackenzie? You were doing so well! Against everyone’s expectations!

MACKENZIE
Hey!

GLORIA
Well... it’s true.

MACKENZIE
I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t keep smiling at his stupid face.

STEFAN
For what it’s worth, I’m shocked. I pegged you two as the perfect match.

MACKENZIE
You take that back!!

SFX: She lunges at Stefan again.

GLORIA
Miss McGrath! Miss McGrath!

BOWDEN
She threw a drink in his face.

STEFAN
That is the first pangs of love if ever I saw them.

SFX: Skip bursts into the closet, out of breath.

BOWDEN
What’s wrong with you?

SKIP
Nothing! Nothing. What’s the report?

GLORIA
What do you smell like?

SKIP
Quinine and nothing else! McGrath are you okay? What happened?

MACKENZIE
Dude pissed me off. Talking about missiles, and machinations, and world conquest like some stupid supervillain, with that smug little face, so pleased, putting one over on everybody, like we’re stupid enough to fall for... - I told you I wasn’t cut out for this mission!

STEFAN
Buck up you! We will give you such a makeover that -

GLORIA
She’s not going back, Stefan!

STEFAN
She must!

GLORIA
She can’t! Not after that. Xavier would never fall for it. (she steels herself) I’m going out.

STEFAN
Ah! I love it. A challenge.

GLORIA AND BOWDEN
Hey!

SKIP
Are you sure, Gloria?

GLORIA
He’s looking for a woman and I’m the only one who identifies as such left on the team. I’ll go out on the floor.

SKIP
I saw him heading to the LostLove App ballroom.

STEFAN
I’m afraid I won’t be able to help much there. There’s some bad blood running between me and LostLove. The baddest blood.

GLORIA
Then we’ll need to hack into their app to position me correctly and pair me up directly through the algorithm. Ms. McGrath, can you break into their system?

MACKENZIE
I don’t have my equipment.

SKIP
That’s all right, Zelda told me she’d have a backup man on call who can deliver it to you.

MCGRATH
Backup man?

GLORIA
Good. Ms. McGrath, go back to the first room, we’ll send the tech guy to meet you. Bowden, you’re on comms. Stefan, hang back with me, Skip... do whatever you’ve been doing.

SKIP
I certainly hope not.

MACKENZIE
Fine.

SFX: McGrath bursts out of the closet.

SKIP
McGrath wait!

SFX: Skip races to catch up with her, but she won’t slow down.

MACKENZIE
Just send in the tech guy Skip.

SKIP
McGrath are you okay? I don’t know what happened back there but -

MACKENZIE
I screwed it up, I’m sorry, okay? It wasn’t my skill set! I told you that!

SKIP
I know I’m just worried about you!

MCGRATH
I’m fine.

SFX: She storms off. Skip sees someone, cries out, and runs away.

FIONA AND SIMONE
There he is! Mr. Waiter!

SKIP
Oh no!

SFX: An unclear number of women chase Skip down the hallway.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC

INT. BALLROOM - DAY

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
Okay the tech guy is coming. He’ll meet you at date spot twenty three and slip you the equipment under the table.

MACKENZIE
Fine.

SFX: McGrath hustles over to the table and sits down just as the other person does -

CHET
Hey.

MACKENZIE
Phillips? Oh great. You got my stuff?

CHET
I’m dropping it under the table. Just pick it up and go when the date timer is up.

MACKENZIE
Will do, tech guy.

CHET
So...Mackenzie?

MACKENZIE
McGrath.

CHET
McGrath. Got it. I guess... we’ve never really... talked... before?

MACKENZIE
You’re the reason I joined the EMF.

CHET
Well! I have been known to inspire agents to -

MACKENZIE
You helped the FBI entrap me and throw me in prison, so I had to cut a deal with them to get out.

CHET
Right.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Well this is an awkward beginning to a fake blind date.

MACKENZIE
Why did you propose to Athena O’Brien?

CHET
I...was coming down off a year’s worth of brainwashing and wasn’t really in my right head.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Unlike now.

CHET
I’m not a traitor, if that’s what you’re -

MACKENZIE
Do you love her?

CHET
I...she can get under your skin.

MACKENZIE
Huh.

CHET
...ah.

MACKENZIE
Ah what?

ADMIRAL
Yes, ah what?

CHET
...she’s a kind of slow poison, okay? And some people...like...me...are drawn to danger.

MACKENZIE
I’m not -

CHET
So my advice - to a person who might find themselves involved with her - would be this: she will make you love her. And she will make you hate her. And she will be the only person who truly understands you. So get her out of your system as fast as you can.

SFX: The timer bell dings twice.

MACKENZIE
...time’s up.

CHET
Okay.

SFX: Chet stands.

CHET (CONT’D)
Hey listen... I had a problem recently that I was scared to tell anyone about, and when I told someone I could trust, it got better.

MACKENZIE
Yeah, well, I don’t trust you, Phillips.

CHET
I know. That why you should tell someone you do trust. (beat) You’re not alone, McGrath.

SFX: Chet walks away from the table.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
What was that all about?

CHET
Nothing you’d understand.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC

INT. SUPPLY CLOSET - LATER

SFX: McGrath is typing away.

MACKENZIE
Alright, I’m in their software. You ready, Stefan?

STEFAN
These algorithm tweaks should fall within the app’s feasibility parameters. The developers won’t suspect a thing.

MCGRATH
And you’re sure this will match Gloria with Xavier?

STEFAN
...................yes.

MCGRATH
Why did you take so long to answer?

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION

INT. BALLROOM - SAME

SFX: The timer bells dings twice.

DIFFERENT ANNOUNCER
Here we go everyone! Check your app and make a note of the symbol you have been assigned. Then go to the yoga mat with that symbol on it. Your perfect match will meet you there! Get your sun salutation ready!

GLORIA
Okay, so I’m looking for spades... spades... oh! hi there! I’m...

NATHANIEL
A sight for sore eyes? I daresay you are, Miss...

GLORIA
Miss... um... Turner! Dahlia Turner! Sorry, you’re not who I was expecting.

NATHANIEL
Oh dear. I do hope I’m not a disappointment to you. I’d spend the rest of my life regretting it.

SFX: Quick transition down the line of matched couples.

ALICIA
Hi there! My name is Alicia, what’s yours-

BOWDEN
Shh! Quiet you!!

ALICIA
Nice. Guy seriously needs some cleansing breaths.

BOWDEN
Skip, come in! Can you get eyes on the guy Gloria is matched with? That doesn’t look like the back of Xavier’s head, it looks too compassionate.

SKIP (ON COMMS)
Let me get a better angle... oh my days! It’s not Xavier but he’s gorgeous!

BOWDEN
Gorgeous? How gorgeous? Gorgeous how?

SKIP (ON COMMS)
He's like a midnight taupe folder wrapped in a cherry mint transparent protective sleeve with a tri-fold pocket filled with sticky tabs!

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
That’s... specific. Wait, then who did Xavier end up with?

SKIP (ON COMMS)
Looks like Xavier ended up down at the other end of the room with another woman. I’ll try to get close enough to hear what they’re saying.

SFX: Footsteps as Skip moves closer, offering random people drinks from his tray.

XAVIER (ON SKIP’S COMMS)
Nice to meet you, I suppose. You’re surprisingly attractive for a red head.

LACEY (ON SKIP’S COMMS)
Thank you. You look nice yourself. That sport coat makes you look more proportionate than you are.

XAVIER (ON SKIP’S COMMS)
Oh I... hmmm... thank you?

LACEY (ON SKIP’S COMMS)
Yeah, but I think you’d look better if you didn’t make that weird expression.

XAVIER (ON SKIP’S COMMS)
You mean my face?

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION

SKIP
Oh wow. Seems like he’s met his match when it comes to dating psychological warfare. But how did they get matched up?

MCGRATH (COMMS)
I have no clue what happened, I just followed Stefan’s instructions!

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION

GLORIA
So Nathaniel, what do you like to do in your spare time?

NATHANIEL
Oh, just the usual. Running on the beach with my dog Champ, a little charity work at the local children’s hospital, and I’m a volunteer firefighter as well. Oh, and I like to write poetry, when I can.

BOWDEN (ON COMMS)
REGROUP!

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION

INT. SUPPLY CLOSET - MOMENTS LATER

SFX: The door opens and closes

BOWDEN
Alright Stefan, what’re you up to, how did Gloria get matched up with that Adonis?? And don’t try and tell me it’s part of the Keto lifestyle, I know that’s a diet now and I won’t fall for that again.

GLORIA
Relax, Bowden, I’m sure he just made a mistake.

STEFAN
The numbers just weren’t there! To match dear, sweet Gloria here up with that ogre. The numbers do not lie. They matched her with her one true love! (to Gloria) If you want to run to him dear, none of us could fault you.

BOWDEN
Her one true love?!? You’re trying to break us up! You’ve always had it out for me, ever since I accidentally got matzoh ball soup on the ceremonial robes you loaned me for the hot air balloon mission in Reyjavik!

STEFAN
But truly Gloria, Nathaniel Belmont would be an excellent match for you. He’s refined, cultured, intellectually curious, and not uptight, but doesn’t feel the need to tell every person he meets that he’s all those things.

GLORIA
(gasps)
But, that’s impossible.

BOWDEN
Hey! I’m all those things too!

GLORIA
Bowden...

BOWDEN
I know...

MACKENZIE
Can everyone just shut the hell up about love for one second!?! We are looking for missiles not love! So lets get their location out of Dumbface Xavier so we can get the hell out of this godforsaken pit of deluded sappy-ness!!

GLORIA
How are we going to do that? There aren’t any more event-sanctioned match-ups for Stefan to introduce me and Xavier during.

STEFAN
And I couldn’t do it anyway.

BOWDEN
I guess I’m up. I hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but I’m going to have to... (dramatic pause) Bro out with Xavier.

GLORIA
Oh Bo... I’m so sorry.

BOWDEN
It’s okay. I’m strong, I can take it. Let’s just hope Skip can ply him with enough drinks I won’t have to do it for more than a few minutes.

MACKENZIE
Where is Skip, anyway?

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - SAME

SFX: A crowd of ladies run, calling after Skip.

SKIP
Ladies, ladies, please! I’m just a simple waiter, I’m just trying to do my job! I know this is what most women in the service industry have to put up with day in and day out, but I have to say, I don't know how they do it!

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION

INT. MEETING ROOM 3

ANOTHER DIFFERENT ANNOUNCER
Ladies, gentlemen, and other attendees! Our panel, ‘What’s Love Got to Do With It?’, will begin in just a few minutes. Please find your seats. Or, grab a drink at the bar - our specialty cocktails are sponsored by Monster Energy.

BOWDEN
Bartender, two Manhattans for me and my friend here.

SFX: The bartender puts down two drinks and plops some ice in them.

XAVIER
I didn’t order this.

BOWDEN
I know. Just doing a solid for a fellow guy. In a place like this, it’s good to see another lion circling the watering whole.

SFX: Bowden makes a cringey lion growl sound.

XAVIER
What?

BOWDEN
You know, on the hunt for a dame. Hey, maybe we could swap tips. Or other information!

SFX: Footsteps up to the bar.

LACEY
Barkeep? A Clover Club, please and thank you.

XAVIER
Hey, Lacey! We matched up in the last room.

LACEY
What?... Oh, yeah! Sorry, I forgot who you were. I guess you just have one of those faces.

XAVIER
Give me a few more minutes, I could get you to remember me.

LACEY
(snort laughs)
Oh, you’re serious. I mean you’re not terrible looking... but oh, see that guy in the back row? That’s a man who works out. I’m gonna go talk to him first and see how that goes. I’ll let you know.

SFX: Footsteps as she walks away.

XAVIER
I can’t believe her...

BOWDEN
I know, right? Women are the worst unless they’re... making sandwiches and... doing other woman stuff. It’s almost like we should just forget about them and have some bro time, right? Tell me about yourself, man.

XAVIER
She’s amazing! She’s so aloof and dismissive. And she makes me feel worse about myself, but for some reason, I really want to impress her.

BOWDEN
But, uh... I’m the heir to the Raisinets fortune. So impress me! Hey, you wanna trade secrets? I’ll go first: one time I swallowed a marble by accident and it never came out.

XAVIER
Lacey, wait up!

SFX: Xavier follows her.

MCGRATH (COMMS)
Smooth, Bowden. You really wormed your way into his brain so subtly.

BOWDEN
You should be glad that this sort of male tom foolery doesn’t come naturally to me!

GLORIA (COMMS)
What are we going to do? We need to get the information from him and we have no options left!

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION

INT. SUPPLY CLOSET

SKIP
Must be quiet... must be quiet -

SFX: The door to the closet rattles!

SKIP
They’ve found me!

SFX: The door bursts open and in comes -

XAVIER
YOU! I gotta talk to you!

SKIP
Mister Xavier! Close the door please!

XAVIER
Why are you hiding in a closet?

SKIP
They’re after me!

SFX: Xavier shuts the door.

XAVIER
That’s my point! You have to beat these women off with a stick!

SKIP
I’ve never been to a dating convention before, I didn’t realize it would be like this!

XAVIER
Usually I’ve got your problem, but I’ll tell you what, man, I’ve lost my mojo! And I don’t like it!

SKIP
That must be frustrating but -

XAVIER
So you’re gonna tell me your secret!

SKIP
What?!?

XAVIER
Gimme your secret, please! How are you getting all these girls?

SKIP
I don’t have a secret!

XAVIER
Don’t hold out on me man, I’m desperate! I’ll give you anything you want!

SKIP
...well...

XAVIER
Anything!

SKIP
What if... I tell you my secrets...

XAVIER
Yeah!

SKIP
...and you tell me some of yours?

XAVIER
Sure! You want grooming tips, date spot recommendations, what?

SKIP
Well...I heard you knew things about the Andorran ballistics program -

XAVIER
I do! I do know about those things! I’ll tell you anything you want. Just tell me how to be like you!

SKIP
Okay, um...how are your closets organized?

XAVIER
I mean, I’ve got my stuff folded... kind of.

SKIP
Try putting them in color order.

XAVIER
They’re all shades of gray!

SKIP
Dark to light, then.

XAVIER
This is good stuff. I’m gonna write this down.

SKIP
Also don’t stuff papers in your pocket like that. Fold everything neatly with a half-French crease.

XAVIER
Neat folding, got it! Now the women!

SKIP
Right! Titles are important. Miss, ma’am, madam, mux, mister, and mistrum.

XAVIER
Wow that’s a lot -

SKIP
Don’t forget Dunn, Div, Fren, Ind, Em, Mir, Misc -

XAVIER
Hold on -

SKIP
Oh and of course honoria like Doctor, Your Honor, Your Majesty, Your Highness, Your Lowness, Your Mediumness -

XAVIER
Are you making these up?

SKIP
How dare you sir! These come direct from the AP style guide!

XAVIER
Oh! Yes master!

SKIP
Or...?

XAVIER
Mistress! Mixtress! I’m sorry this is all new I’m very nervous about calling you the wrong thing!

SKIP
Then you’re doing it exactly right!

XAVIER
I am?

SKIP
Breed constant anxiety about how the object of your affection views you!

XAVIER
Do women like that?

SKIP
Everyone wants to feel like you’re taking their feelings into account to the point of social
paralysis!

XAVIER
Social paralysis, got it!

SKIP
Stammer!

XAVIER
Right!

SKIP
Apologize constantly!

XAVIER
I’m sorry!

SKIP
Raise the pitch of your voice when you get flummoxed! Like this!

XAVIER
(goes higher) Like this!

SKIP
(higher) Higher!

XAVIER
(higher) Higher?

SKIP
Perfect! Keep that energy level!

XAVIER
I’m so anxious!

SKIP
Get out there!

XAVIER
Okay um I’m ready I think...

SKIP
Wait what about your secrets!

XAVIER
Oh sorry! I almost forgot! Here, uh, take my iPhone! I’ll get a new one!

SKIP
Get a Blackberry! They’re still around!

XAVIER
Good idea! Look, I’m on all the Whatsapp chains for the national Ballistics Ministry, it’s all there! They do Margarita Fridays!

SKIP
Oh okay! Thank you!

XAVIER
Okay I gotta go!

SKIP
Good luck!

SFX: Xavier flings open the door.

XAVIER
Oh! Excuse me miss! Or ma’am! Or mix AAAA

SFX: Xavier stumbles over something and falls down a flight of stairs.

SKIP
Huh.

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
Skip? Where are you?

SKIP
I... completed the mission?

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
You did? How?!?

SKIP
I’m... not sure.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC

INT. ZELDA'S PORCH - EVENING

SFX: Chet walks up to the house.

CHET
Mission accomplished, Chief.

ZELDA
Well done, Agent. Come relax on the porch.

CHET
All right.

ZELDA
Pour yourself a drink. I’ve got a Skip Granger-inspired Chocolate Cherry Old-Fashioned.

CHET
I... don’t think I need one tonight.

ZELDA
Suit yourself. (beat) You seem... happy.

CHET
Successful mission, beautiful evening... I guess it just put me in a good mood. Better than I’ve
felt in months.

ZELDA
Even though you spent a mission running tech support in a subordinate position?

CHET
... it felt good to be useful again.

ZELDA
Then I suppose it is a good evening.

CHET
Hey. Thanks for having my back. I’m... not used to people sticking up for me.

ZELDA
No one sticks up for you because you spent years branding yourself a one-man army. You went it alone, so now you are alone. I’m sure that thing in your head finds that hilarious.

CHET
He’s pretty quiet right now.

ZELDA
Thank god for small favors.

CHET
I have a proposal.

ZELDA
I’m bracing myself.

CHET
It would be a deep cover mission.

ZELDA
For you?

CHET
If you trust me to pull it off. But...all modesty aside - I’m probably the only person who could pull it off. I’d report to you, and no one else has to know.

ZELDA
Do you have... your asset... under control?

CHET
The second he gives me any trouble I’d pull myself out.

ZELDA
All right Agent Phillips. You got yourself a partner.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - NIGHT

SFX: Bleeps and bloops.

GLORIA
... so he just gave you his phone?

SKIP
I had to search through a lot of text messages to attain viable state secrets. Then I took five
showers.

GLORIA
Oh.

BOWDEN
So... successful mission?

SKIP
Yes! The Section Chief says that this success has once again staved off the Secretary of Defense’s ire, and despite the loss of our onsite incarceration suite -

MCGRATH
The prison, Skip.

SKIP
...we’re in the clear.

BOWDEN
Well in that case... I have a surprise planned for you Gloria.

GLORIA
Oh! Is it that turtle incubator that I’ve been wanting?

BOWDEN
Uh... no.

SKIP
Writing that down for my holiday gift idea list!

BOWDEN
But I think it’s time I took you out on a date night. First seaweed picking down at the docks, then a private glassblowing class. And then, you know Le Petite Tuna?

GLORIA
Our first date spot? The one that burned down?

BOWDEN
The very same. I’ve set up a table and figured we could get a little unagi takeout. Among the
wreckage, breathing in the ashes, under the moonlight.

GLORIA
Oh, Bo!!!! That’s my dream date.

BOWDEN
I know. Shall we?

SFX: They leave.

SKIP
Have a great night! I don’t think I understand dating.

MACKENZIE
Nobody does.

SKIP
I suppose that’s true. Hey, you want to go home?

MACKENZIE
...I’m gonna try to tell you that thing again.

SKIP
I’m listening.

MACKENZIE
In code.

SKIP
I’m very listening.

MACKENZIE
Like, non-standard... improvised code.

SKIP
I’m very very listening.

MACKENZIE
Okay. Imagine someone who hated us left this giant, terrible cake in our apartment. Like a chocolate turnip cake, with twelve clashing neon fondant frostings, and it was like three million calories.

SKIP
I hate it already.

MACKENZIE
But we couldn’t throw it away -

SKIP
Of course not, that would be a waste of food!

MACKENZIE
But we couldn’t eat it either.

SKIP
Because of the horrible frostings!

MACKENZIE
So you, Skip, tried to make the best of a bad situation by making the cake a festive decoration or by claiming it was a piece of modern art.

SKIP
That does sound like me.

MACKENZIE
And then. One day. The cake just vanished. There was just an empty plate and frosting everywhere.

SKIP
All right.

MACKENZIE
But. The truth is. I ate the cake.

SKIP
The whole cake?

MACKENZIE
The whole cake. And I liked it. And I hated myself for liking it. And don’t get me wrong I wanted the cake to still be in the kitchen it was totally the cake’s fault that it wasn’t there anymore but I couldn’t tell you because I was ashamed and it was a terrible cake and I didn’t want you to think less of me for eating an entire, terrible cake. Do you understand what I’m saying?

SKIP
Oh. Oh McGrath.

MACKENZIE
Okay don’t look at me -

SKIP
McGrath it’s okay. Hey.

MACKENZIE
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

SKIP
There is nothing wrong with you. We can’t help... what kind of cake we love.

MACKENZIE
I don’t love the cake I just ate the cake!

SKIP
Okay!

MACKENZIE
I‘m very confused about how I feel about the cake!

SKIP
You...enjoyed the cake.

MACKENZIE
...I did.

SKIP
So...the wonderful thing is, when someone enjoys a terrible cake...that kinda proves that the cake wasn’t all that bad.

MACKENZIE
It is. That cake destroyed our entire kitchen.

SKIP
McGrath. Any joy you put into the universe makes the universe a better place. Maybe... the joy you had with that cake... made the cake better... than me pretending it was something it wasn’t. (beat) Do you want a hug?

MACKENZIE
Yes.

SFX: They hug.

SKIP
C’mon. I’ll buy you... is it weird that I really want cake now?

MACKENZIE
I always want cake.

MUSIC: END THEME

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by Pete Barry and Paige Klaniecki and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Fiona
and Bob Killion as Xavier Delaurier and The Admiral

Guest Starring
Dustin Karrat as Stefan
Jackie Sherman as Simone
JoEllen Notte as Lacey
J. Michael DeAngelis as Nathaniel Belmont and Davin Ford

JoEllen Notte is the author of In It Together: Navigating Depression with Partners, Friends, and Family now available in paperback and as an audiobook produced by The Porch Room. Learn more at www.theredheadbedhead.com

Music by Pete Barry

Editing and mixing by John Dowgin and Pete Barry

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This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2023 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

MUSIC FADES

INT. DARK CELL - NO DEFINITE TIME

SFX: Athena groans and wakes, groggy.

ATHENA
Where the hell...am I?

DAVIN
Why you’re home, Miss O’Brien!

SFX: Athena ROARS and LEAPS at Davin! CHAINS RATTLE!

DAVIN (CONT’D)
Now now. You have no one to blame but yourself for your current situation. You could have been working for Terry Millionaire’s new company instead of back in prison.

ATHENA
What new company?

DAVIN
We haven’t... landed on an official acronym yet. One of your old teammates referred to us as the “Dark EMF”, a name I am most partial to myself.

ATHENA
I have a better name for you, you motherf -

SFX: BZZT.

DAVIN
Uh uh uh. You’ll find that Mister Millionaire doesn’t see any necessity in providing you accommodations the same as your previous captors. Your cell is smaller, the bars are electrified, you have one overhead light and two pans - one for food, the other for...well, don’t get them mixed up, please. You will have no cellmates, and there will be no attempt at rehabilitation. You will answer our questions and do as we instruct, and you will never be let out of that cell.

ATHENA
This is a lion’s cage. Sooner or later you’ll stick your hand in and I’ll bite it off.

DAVIN
Unfortunately, Miss O’Brien, you and I shan’t converse again. Mister Millionaire has just recruited a new asset who’s been assigned, among other things, to be your keeper. It you want to bite someone, it’ll have to be him.

ATHENA
And who is this victim?

DAVIN
Come in, Agent.

SFX: The prison door opens. Athena gasps.

DAVIN (CONT’D)
I understand you have a long history with our newest recruit... Special Agent Chet Phillips.

CHET
Hey, killer. Nice to see you again.

MUSIC: STINGER