Season Four, Episode Five: “NFTs AT THE GATES”
TRANSCRIPT

SFX - ELECTRONIC LOCK, DOOR OPENS, Z ENTERS, DOOR CLOSES

ZELDA
So where do we start, Phillips?

CHET
Let's try the beginning.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO A BUS STOP, TIMES BEING CALLED OUT, PEOPLE WALKING, ETC

CHET
The trees in Central Park have a pattern in their bark.

HUMBOLDT
And the pattern in that park bark, why it looks just like a shark.

CHET
A shark swimming low and a shark swimming high.

HUMBOLDT
Ouch! The bark shark took a bite out of my thigh.
(beat)
Apologies for the passphrases, the new chap Sandy Bottoms brought in to write them has a bit of a Dr Seuss fetish.

CHET
You should see what our guy writes. Good to see you, Humboldt.

HUMBOLDT
You too, Phillips. It's been a while.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE DEBRIEFING ROOM

CHET
Everything was going smoothly until... I got a sense that things weren't as they should be.

ZELDA
A sense?

CHET
A... little voice in the back of my head.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE BUS STOP

THE ADMIRAL
Humboldt? Humboldt...

CHET
You followed the usual protocol?

THE ADMIRAL
That name rings a bell, though my memory hasn't been what it was now that I'm sharing a
hippocampus...

CHET
(angry, hushed)
You can’t remember anything you’re a figment of my imagination!

HUMBOLDT
Excuse me?

CHET
Sorry Humboldt. Wasn't, erm... speaking to you.

HUMBOLDT (SFX - KEYS)
Here you go. Standard location for the hard files.

THE ADMIRAL
Oh, Chet, aren't you going to introduce me? I thought I knew all your work friends, besides, I'm
sure I know this Humboldt...

CHET
Better get out of here, Humboldt, things might get... dicey.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO DEBRIEFING ROOM

ZELDA
If your intuition told you something was off, why did you proceed to the drop site?

CHET
Because it was only a feeling. It didn’t become a surety until--

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO BUS STATION, CHET WALKING

THE ADMIRAL
Now there was an assassin named Humboldt who operated out of Eritrea just after The Great War. But that was one hundred and ten years ago, so he’s likely not your Humboldt--Chet? Cheeeeet? Chet Chet Bo Bet, Banana Fanna Fo Fett...

CHET
Locker 37, 38, 39...

THE ADMIRAL
We never talk anymore, Chet. Is the honeymoon over? We didn't even make our first anniversary. And I have so many wonderful gift ideas for paper.

CHET
I'm tuning you out, Fletcher. I accepted a mission. A simple one, to be sure, but it’s a mission
nonetheless. And one step back towards normalcy.

THE ADMIRAL
As the kids today say, 'Let me know how that works out for you.'

CHET
Locker 42, here we go.

SFX - CLICK

THE ADMIRAL
Ahhhh a classic dead drop. Agent A leaves his satchel in a bus station locker, delivers the locker
key to Agent B. An oldie but a goodie.

CHET
Just like me.

THE ADMIRAL
Like us.
(SFX - LOCKER OPENS)
AHHHH, that's how I know Humboldt!

CHET
What?

THE ADMIRAL
The insignia on his satchel is Royal Navy! He’s Commander Lawrence Aloysius Humboldt, no? He was the talk of the criminal underworld late last year, accepting a salary from the Syrians to
funnel them intelligence and eliminate a few old enemies. Ah ah ah, Chet, I wouldn't open it if I
were you. And I am.

CHET
My God. You're not just an implanted personality. You have access to his memories.

CHET
Why of course, dear boy! This voice took years of practice!

CHET
Still... I trust Humboldt a far sight more than I trust you.

THE ADMIRAL
But should you? After all, Chet old boy... I need you alive.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE DEBRIEFING ROOM

ZELDA
So you called an anonymous bomb threat into the New York Police Department?

CHET
You’d prefer I’d brought the satchel in? Or opened it in civilian territory, between three Hudson
News’s and six Au Bon Pains?

ZELDA
Seeing as how the bomb dogs found a shaped C4 charge linked to a switch in the satchel clasp... no.

CHET
So he was right. Humboldt is a double agent.

ZELDA
Who was right?

CHET
There’s something I need to tell you. But it can’t leave this room.

ZELDA
This is why you requested this sanitized room for this debrief, I presume?

CHET
Exactly. I’ve got access to a... let’s call it an asset. But this needs to stay between you, me...
and the other me.

THE ADMIRAL
(Laughs)

SFX - TITLE MUSIC

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents... the backups. Tonight’s episode: ‘NFTs At The Gates’.

SFX - EMF HQ. BEEP/BOOP/ETC. PAPERS SHIFT IN SKIP’S HAND

SKIP
OK that sort of makes sense... I’ll look up that word later... that one too... OK, that’s just the
first two words squished together...

SFX - DOOR OPENS, THEN CLOSES

SKIP (CONT’D)
McGrath, outstanding! I’ve got a list of--great Caesar’s ghost, are you all right?

MCGRATH
(distraught) Su... sushi...

SKIP
That’s good, use your words...

MCGRATH
Can’t say it. Charades.

SKIP
OK, charades then: sushi, one two three four five, oh! Sushi on fifth, your favorite!
(SHE YELPS IN PAIN)
OK we’re going someplace... going down... they lowered the ceiling? A sinkhole opened in the
restaurant? Pass, next category!

MCGRATH
THIS ISN’T $25,000 PYRAMID!

SKIP
Sorry! I got caught up... wait, Sushi on Fifth closed?!

MCGRATH
This sign was on their door. I peeled it off with the final scraps of my will to live.

SKIP
Oh dear... I didn’t know health department grades went that low.

MCGRATH
They didn’t until this case. The inspector had to make up new ones.

SKIP
So not only is there no more Sushi on fifth...

MCGRATH
It never really was sushi on fifth. It’s OK though. I’ll soldier on. Best thing to do is throw myself into our next mission.

SKIP
Let the healing commence! Here’s a list of technical sounding phrases I need explained before everyone else arrives.

MCGRATH
What in the... Genesis Block? Isn’t that from Star Trek?

SKIP
I thought so too, but Memory Alpha has nothing on it.

MCGRATH
Halving... hot wallet... are these real or did you drop a magnetic poetry set into the printer?

SKIP
All real, transcribed from wiretaps of our next mission’s target.

MCGRATH
(gasps)
Oh no. No, no, no... tell me this next word is a typo.

SKIP
No typo. Over six hours, the target said that word nearly 137 times.

MCGRATH
Skip, we are not prepared to tread where that word roams.

SKIP
And yet it seems like such an innocuous phrase... ‘Blockchain’.

THE DOOR SLAMS OPENS, ATHENA AND ZELDA ENTERS

ATHENA
WHO SAID BLOCKCHAIN!?!

MCGRATH
Holy hulkout!

ZELDA
Here’s your work release. Good luck with this one today, she’s in a mood. Hey Athena. ‘Blockchain’.

ATHENA
Why you...

ZELDA
Heh.

SFX - AS ATHENA GRRRRS, ZELDA LEAVES

ATHENA
Granger, I am not in a good headspace, Balthazar has been making us workshop his screenplay for weeks. So do not tell me this mission has anything to do with the prefix ‘crypto’.

SKIP
(a beat)
Isn’t crypto technically a word?

SFX - AS ATHENA GRRRRRRRRRRS, THE DOOR OPENS, GLORIA ENTERS

GLORIA
Guys. This is important: there is no right answer.

SKIP
What? What does that even--

GLORIA
No right answer! Or you’ll find yourself mired in this argument like a Neverending Story Horse!
Shh, here he comes--

SFX - DOOR OPENS

BOWDEN
OK everyone, gut reactions, which of these movies sounds more interesting. A biopic of the famous abstract painter Mark Rothko...

MCGRATH
Do I get a blanket and pillow with my ticket?

BOWDEN
Or a buddy horror comedy, Abbot and Costello: Vampire Hunters?

MCGRATH
Yet, there’s something so zen about Rothko’s chromatic squares...

BOWDEN
They film at the same time on different continents so which do I pick? Skip, you’ve never steered me wrong. And McGrath, Athena, neither of you have ever steered me right, so I can just do the opposite of whatever you say.

MCGRATH
Leave me out of this, I’m mourning.

GLORIA
Ohhhhh yeah, we drove down fifth.

SKIP
Well, Abbot and Costello, Vampire Hunters does have a ring to it...

GLORIA
(soft)
Don’t do it...

BOWDEN
But the biopic has Oscar cache.

SKIP
OK, so go with the biopic.

BOWDEN
But A&C VH is clearly a potential franchise tentpole...

GLORIA
Welcome to the MC Escher staircase that has become my life.

SKIP
Bowden, I can’t help you on this one, but someone attached to our next assignment might be able to.

BOWDEN
Really? Then slide projector on!

SKIP
I will, as soon as I find my...

GLORIA
Ahem, Skip? Would you like your remote back?

SKIP
Well done, Gloria! You snatched it when you brushed against me coming through the door!

GLORIA
You told me to brush up on my pickpocketing, so brush up I have.

BOWDEN
I was wondering why my “Oliver!” blu-ray was on the coffee table!

GLORIA
You’ve got to pick a pocket or two!

ATHENA
(singing)
Consider yourself... in hell...

SKIP
OK, team plus incarcerated supervillain, time to focus.

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

SKIP
This man is Montague Jackson Langhorne the Seventh...

MCGRATH
I HATE THIS MISSION ALREADY.

GLORIA
Come now, give it a chance.

SKIP
... known to his friends and colleagues as MJL7.

GLORIA
Nevermind, I’m right there with you now.

BOWDEN
Hold on, I know that name.

SKIP
You should. MJL7 is the scion of a clan that traces its roots back to the Mayflower crossing.

ATHENA
Ugh, puritans?

SKIP
Worse. Travel agents. MJLs 1 through 6 turned the family’s Mayflower commission into a fortune over the centuries.
(SFX - CLICK)
And then MJL7 came along. His investments at the helm of Langhorne Capital read like a who’s who of business debacles.

SFX - CLICK

BOWDEN
Ooooh, the ESPN phone. Gary got one as a gift from James Woods. It lasted eleven seconds, until he threw it at James Woods.

GLORIA
IKEA inflatable furniture? Spray on condoms?

ATHENA
Wow, the Apple Pippin and the Nintendo Power Glove? The Dynamic Duo of gaming suck.

MCGRATH
So what’s our problem with this dude? Does Z want a Power Glove refund forty years later?

SKIP
The problem is that the world’s least successful businessman is suddenly succeeding... under very troubling circumstances.
(SFX - CLICK)
Two days after MJL7 turned profitable, this Russian warship shadowed one of our Los Angeles class nuclear submarines near the Bering Strait.
(SFX - CLICK)
A month later, Chinese authorities arrested a deep cover agent of ours who’d been operating for
years.
(SFX - CLICK)
And just Monday, enhanced plans for the F-35 Lightning II fighter were found on the Dark Web. What links these events?

BOWDEN
Michael Bay optioned them?

SKIP
Each occurred within 24 hours of Langhorne Capital minting one of these.

SLIDE PROJECTOR

GLORIA
Is that supposed to be... art?

ATHENA
It’s more like a tequila hangover imagined by Microsoft Paint.

SKIP
What you see here are Langhorne Capital’s recent forays into the world of Non-Fungible Tokens.

MCGRATH
Yeah, funge this mission straight to hell.

ATHENA
Stop making me agree with you, I’m in a foul enough mood already.

SKIP
The Joint Chiefs of Staff suspect that MJL7 is obtaining national secrets, hiding them in the code of each NFT, and selling them to foreign entities masquerading as legitimate buyers.

ATHENA
So with each NFT, the JCS, DOD, and USN see TS 411 go AWOL, hence an SOS to the EMF.

MCGRATH
Feel better now?

BOWDEN
I heard a lot about these NFTs, as the kids are calling them, when I played cryptocurrency expert
Doctor Paul Moriarty in the Lifetime original movie, “California Crypto Call Girls 2: Cry Freedom”.

SKIP
Oh good! Perhaps you can tell us what they are and how they work!

ATHENA
Oh this oughta be good.

BOWDEN
Well, yes, you see, it’s all... based on tokens. So. Yeah. Tokens.

MCGRATH
By all means, proceed.

BOWDEN
Well, unlike other tokens, these... can’t be... funged.
(a beat)
Our writer got arrested for check kiting three days into production, I may not be the ideal source
here.

SKIP
This is so frustrating! I prefer to research our assignments--

MCGRATH
The hell you say.

SKIP
-- but with these NFT thingamabobs, I can’t get a straight answer as what they even are!

ATHENA
They’re a scam.

MCGRATH
Yup. The only bigger scam I can think of is astrology.
(a beat) What?

SKIP
I’m just going to move on to the next slide...

ATHENA
Why did you get that weird ass look when she said astrology?

SKIP
I think it’s in everyone’s best interests if we just move on to--
(SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR)
-- this man, Reginald Kincaid, who is, erm... MJL7’s personal astrologer.

ATHENA
McGrath? Join me?

MCGRATH
Don’t mind if I do.

SFX - MCGRATH AND ATHENA GO INTO THE HALLWAY, SCREAM, THEN COME BACK IN.

ATHENA
So, during our primal scream sesh--

MCGRATH
Which didn’t help at all, did it?

ATHENA
Sadly no, however, we did find this lady and her bedazzled-to-death gown lurking in the hallway.

BOWDEN
Didn’t Elton John wear that to the Met Gala?!

ARCADIA
He will in two years.

SKIP
Team, say hello to our mission specialist: Arcadia Terpsichore, expert in Horary Astrology.

ARCADIA
In the flesh!

SKIP
MJL7 is obsessed with horary astrology, and asks Kincaid thirty seven burning questions each day.

BOWDEN
That’s a lot of burning questions.

ATHENA
Oh, I have at least that many. Chiefly, ‘what the hell is horary astrology’?

ARCADIA
Horary astrology uses immediate star positions to answer precise questions with surprising
accuracy.

GLORIA
Seems... specific. And sketchy.

ARCADIA
Don’t hate the chartcaster, dear, hate the chart.

SKIP
Perhaps a demonstration?

ARCADIA
Arcadia Terpsichore does not give demonstrations. Only truths.

BOWDEN
That’s exactly what Aaron Sorkin says when you ask him for rewrites.

ARCADIA
Ask me any specific question.

GLORIA
I don’t go in for any of this, but OK; is MJL7 selling state secrets?

ARCADIA
(makes a BUZZER sound) Sorry, no “Yes/No” questions.

MCGRATH
Of course not.

ARCADIA
Further: No ‘should I do this or that’ questions. No asking about death or the afterlife. No asking
about anybody other than yourself.

GLORIA
You’re not making this sound any less shady, you realize.

ATHENA
The illusion of specificity makes the lie easier to sell.

ARCADIA
Skeptics! Arcadia Terpsichore prides herself on converting your kind. Now. Gloria, is it? Try
rephrasing your question.

GLORIA
How hard will it be for us to learn if MJL7 is selling state secrets?

ARCADIA
That’ll get the celestial balls rollin! Lemme fire up the program.

MCGRATH
Hold on, is that the newest MacBook? They’re not even on the shelves yet.

ARCADIA
When you advise Tim Cook to short Samsung, he comes through with little treats. Now my custom software generates a star chart based on the date, time, location of the asker...

ATHENA
And then you tell us a thinly veiled version of what you think we want to here.

MCGRATH
With just enough vague detail to make it plausible.

BOWDEN
Which is exactly what Aaron Sorkin does when you ask him for rewrites!

ARCADIA
You will achieve all of your mission objectives save one between 11:17 and 11:23 PM this Thursday. It will take more time than it did to infiltrate Smails Hardware in Orlando, but less time than it did to save Jerry Swinefeld from being pignapped at the Lackawanna County Fair.

BOWDEN
Ma’am, I have a question for you about two roles I’ve been offered--

SKIP
Bowden, that can wait.

BOWDEN
Can it, though?

MCGRATH
Big deal. She just fed our case files into that Facebook quiz she calls software.

SKIP
I’m not asking you to believe in horary astrology...

ARCADIA
Though you should, I offer a 10 percent discount to clients referred to me through clandestine
assignments!

SKIP
... only to trust that it’s a way to gain MJL7’s trust.
(SFX - CLICK)
This is the Empress Hotel outside Minneapolis, home of this year’s New Kids on the Blockchain
Crypto Conference. MJL7 has announced his company will mint its next NFT on the conference’s fifth and final day, then auction it live. Our mission is, with Arcadia’s help, to use those five days to assess whether or not MJL7 is hiding stolen intel in his NFTs and, if so, arrest both him and his buyer!

ATHENA
Well, as always, it’s been a fun little jibber-jabber but I’ve got to get back to my cell to read
Balthazar’s latest rewrites. He swears this draft adds layers to my character. So...you know...

BOWDEN
My brother ‘adding layers’ to a female character means he’s given her a robe.

SKIP
Athena, you can review Balthazar’s magnum opus en route to Minnesota. Much of our plan hinges on gaining access to conference IT, and at an event predicated on such cutting edge technology as cryptocurrency--

MCGRATH
(a beat)
I’m sorry, you were serious.

SKIP
I expect your assistance to be invaluable.

ATHENA
Granger. It’s been a couple of months now. And after a few adventures with you and the rest of the sack lunch bunch here, I concede that, for fleeting nanoseconds, you seem nice. But keep one detail clearly in mind. I’ll stay within six feet of whoever I must to keep my head intact. And I’ll step in to correct you, then mock you mercilessly, in the wake of your inevitable failure. But taking an active role in helping you advance the goals of your nationalistic, imperial spook squad... that’s a hill too far. Even against cryptobros.

MCGRATH
Pay up, Skip, I told you how she’d feel.

SKIP
(SFX-MONEY CHANGES HANDS)
Fair enough. But Athena, you clearly know more about this subject than anyone here. We need you. You’re still coming with us.

ATHENA
Great. I’m going to miss the ‘Real Housewives of Fon Du Lac’ for this.

SKIP
I anticipated this concern and downloaded the RHFDL season finale to my Kindle Fire!

ATHENA
A Kindle Fire? The Kevin Costner of tablets? There truly is no God...

BOWDEN
Arcadia? How long will this drive to Minneapolis feel?

ARCADIA
(SFX - KEYBOARD TAPS)
The stars suggest you bring that Oliver blu-ray with you.

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC TO A CONFERENCE HALL. LOTS OF CHIT CHAT AND HUBBUB.

ANNOUNCEMENT
After keynote speeches wrap up in pavilion A, check out the hottest Bitcoin-backed EDM act ‘The Crypto Kitties’ in Pavilion B! And when the Ethereum-munchies kick in, swing by pavilion C and try our Non- Fungible Tacos!

ATHENA
Never have I seen so many white male millennials with no clue what they’re doing.

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
It’s like Tinder come to life.

SKIP
McGrath, are you already in the conference IT booth?

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
In, hacked their passwords, have total control over the complex.

ATHENA
You left four minutes ago.

QUICK TRANSITION TO THE IT BOOTH

MCGRATH
(soft)
Turns out there’s not much IT expertise at a crypto conference.

IT GUY
Ummm, excuse me, miss? We’re having trouble loading the lighting effects for Mister MJL7’s big
speech in Pavilion A.

MCGRATH
That’s a Mini USB drive, you need a type C adapter.

IT GUY
(a beat)
Whoooah... you just... knew that.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO PAVILION A

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
So yeah, just tell me which part of the complex you want to see, I can send the camera feed right
to your phone. I legitimately feel bad for these guys so I’m going to hang around and show them the ropes.

SFX - COMMS OUT

ATHENA
Sure glad you dragged the extra tech wizardry along, aren’t you?

SKIP
I wonder if the others are as ahead of schedule as McGrath. Fagin, Artful Dodger, copy.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO ANOTHER PART OF THE COMPLEX, WE HEAR CHATTER AND SOFT MUSIC

BOWDEN
(mid-conversation)
But “A&C Vampire Hunters” has franchise potential--oooh, excuse me, I have to take this...
(soft)
Skip, we’re outside the VIP conference lounge. I’m trying to drum up leads on this secret auction while Gloria’s honing her pickpocketing skills.

GLORIA
(soft)
I’ve got five hotel key cards, eight phone chargers, and thirty- two Pepe the Frog zippo lighters!

SKIP (ON COMMS)
Excellent. Is Arcadia with you?

ARCADIA
(soft)
Sure am, keeping an eye on Kincaid, MJL7’s cut-rate astrologer.

GLORIA
(soft)
It’s hard to believe a billionaire trusts a man in that outfit.

BOWDEN
(soft)
Between his velvet robe and comb-over, he’s like a walking ‘The Right Stuff’ profile pic.

ARCADIA
(soft)
Look at him, waiting for his boss like a puppy for its master. Feh! In my day, the client waited on
the astrologer!

SKIP (ON COMMS)
Focus, everyone. It’s a five day conference, we’ve got all that time to ingratiate Arcadia into
MJL7’s circle. Slow and steady wins the race! Granger out!
(SFX - COMMS CLICK OFF)
MJL7’s keynote speech begins in five minutes. I hope it’s not too dry and technical for us to
follow.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION INTO BIG FLASHY ENTRANCE MUSIC AND SFX

ANNOUNCEMENT
LADY AND GENTLEMEN, HERE’S MJL7 HIMSELF, MOOOOOONTAGUUUUUUUUE LAAAAAAAANGHOOOOORNE JACKSON!!!!!

SFX - UPROARIOUS APPLAUSE

SKIP
This is not what I expected.

ATHENA
Me neither, it’s much more subdued.

MJL7
HOW’S EVERYBODY FEELIN’ TONIGHT!!!! (SFX - CHEERS)
Give it up for the New Kids on the BlockChain sponsor Decentralized Energy Drinks, from Langhorne Brewing and Textiles! Decentralized Energy Drinks help you ride the wave after you buy the dip!

SFX - CHEERS

SKIP
I’m sensing this speech won’t bring me a better understanding of NFTS.

ATHENA
This speech might make things you do know drip out your ear.

SFX - TRANSITION TO VIP LOUNGE

GLORIA
Bowden, is everything OK?

BOWDEN
I haven’t felt this out of my element on an assignment since I had to double as a baseball play-by-play announcer! I have to pass as an expert on these NFT thinga-ma- bobs, but all I have to work with is information from a Lifetime screenplay written by someone who’s now doing 15-20.

ARCADIA
Hey now, Brad Pity Party! Do I hear you wallowing in self doubt?

BOWDEN
As a professional actor, I try to keep my self-doubt wallowing confined to the health club shower. But at the moment, yes.

ARCADIA
Sounds like you could use some answers... from beyond.

GLORIA
Oh I don’t know about this...

ARCADIA
Of course you don’t, that’s my job. So pretty boy: how can the stars assuage your fears?

BOWDEN
Simple... tell me how I can succeed at my phase of the mission if I know nothing about NFTs.

ARCADIA
(SFX - KEY TAPPING)
A tappity here, a tappity there... (Computer BINGS) You won’t have to. Someone at this conference will show you the way...

GLORIA
That’s a bit vague...

ARCADIA
The stars aren’t done talking.

BOWDEN
They never are.

ARCADIA
... show you the way not just about the mission, but about a recent career decision that’s vexing
you.

GLORIA
WE MUST FIND THIS PERSON!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO PAVILION A

MJL7
But you all didn’t come here to watch me drink! Though you certainly can! No, you came to hear me talk about this! My crypto key!

SFX - CHEERS

SKIP
Is MJL7’s cryptokey in the shape of a Mars symbol?

ATHENA
Granger, we’re lucky it’s not actually in the shape of a--

MJL7
Dick Cheney once said to my dad, ‘Monty’, he said, Dick and Dad were real close, he’d say ‘Monty, what makes a man isn’t his money, but his freedom’. Well, I say it’s both! The freedom of his money!

SFX - CHEERS

ATHENA
OK, who had Cheney, money, and freedom on their Tucker Carlson Bingo card?

SFX - FOOTSTEPS ON THE STAGE

MJL7
Err... excuse me, everyone... SFX - MURMURS AS MJL7 FLICKS OFF HIS MIC

SKIP
Who’s this guy coming onstage?

ATHENA
As long as he doesn’t talk, he’s my favorite person here.

SKIP
McGrath... can you get me a video feed of the Pavilion A stage?

MCGRATH (ON COMMS) (SFX - BEEP)
Done. Honestly, this is like the Skyrim tutorial of missions for me.

SKIP
That man just handed MJL7 a piece of paper, can you zoom in on--
(SFX - A CAMERA ZOOM)
Wow that was fast.

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
Skyrim. Tutorial.

SKIP
It’s a little blurry but I can make out... auction... tonight!

MJL7
Ooookay. Sorry folks, I have to cut my presentation short, consider your cancelled ticket stub good for 50% off a signature cocktail at the Silent Liquidity Bar in the lobby! Goodbye, everyone!

SFX - A SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE AS MJL7 MAKES HIS WAY OFFSTAGE

SKIP
Team, we’ve got a Code Sangria! Repeat, a Code Sangria!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE VIP AREA

BOWDEN
A code what?

GLORIA
A Code Sangria! Two steps darker than a code red but just short of a code mahogany!

SKIP (ON COMMS)
MJL7’s secret auction has been moved up to tonight!

BOWDEN
But the plan depends on Arcadia having five days to gain MJL7’s confidence!

ARCADIA
Which was never necessary! I can win him over in five minutes!

SKIP (ON COMMS)
Are you sure?

ARCADIA
If Polly Pickpocket can hold up her end, I’ll handle the rest.

MUSIC: TRANSITION TO CONFERENCE LOBBY

MJL7
Kincaid! Kincaid, where are you!

KINCAID
Right here, Mister Langhorne--HEY!

GLORIA
WHOOPS!

SFX - GLORIA KNOCKS KINCAID OVER, PAPERS GO FLYING

GLORIA
Oh, I’m so sorry, I tripped on your... impressive velvet robe...

KINCAID
WHY DON’T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING, YOU BUMBLING BROAD--

GLORIA
(laying it on thick)
Oh, with all the lights, and the money, and the smart men who know way more about finance than little old me or, you know, bankers...

MJL7
It’s OK, miss, don’t mind him, I’m sure it was Kincaid’s fault.

KINCAID
Yes sir mister Langhorne sir--

MJL7
Here’s two vouchers for a free latte at Bitcoin Baristas.

GLORIA
Aw thanks mister, you’re swell! (SFX - WALKS AWAY, THEN INTO COMMS) This is Artful Dodger. Phase one handled, I’ve picked Kincaid’s pocket an swapped his star charts
with fakes.

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
I saw, G, sweet moves, even if you went a little ‘Newsies’ at the end.

MJL7
Come here, Kincaid. I need a prediction and I need it now.

Of course, Mister Langhorne... huh... that’s odd...

MJL7
This is a bad time for odd, Kincaid, even from a man who dresses like Today’s Man knocked up Spirit Halloween.

KINCAID
I can’t cast right now. My charts show the ascendant at 2 degrees.

MJL7
So twiddle some numbers--

KINCAID
Sir, as you well know, horary astrologists can only look into the future when the ascendant and the descendant are both between 3 and 27 degrees!

BOWDEN
Excuse me, good sirs, do I hear an argument over ascendants? You must be aficionados of horary astrology!

KINCAID
Why, yes--

MJL7
I pay you to be more than an aficionado, Kincaid.

BOWDEN
Well, I wouldn’t want to step on anyone’s toes...

MJL7
Stomp if you must.

BOWDEN
You might want to talk to my personal chart caster. She’s over there, in the rhinestone shawl.

KINCAID
That Jersey Shore Boardwalk reject?

MJL7
Big talk from a man who can’t keep his ascension up. You’re telling me she’s good?

BOWDEN
Her charts helped me make 500 large shorting Dogecoin, so you tell me.

MJL7
Kincaid, go get me another Decentralized Energy Drink. Now. Excuse me, miss?

ARCADIA
You’re three decades and four husbands late for ‘miss’. Call me ‘Madam Terpsichore’.

MJL7
This gentleman tells me you’re a woman who can answer questions. First one is this: how high do your charts show the ascendant?

ARCADIA
Three degrees. Just enough to make a reading. It’s your lucky day.

MJL7
That’s what I’m hoping. Second question... at tonight’s auction should I list the item I’d
originally planned... or the much more lucrative item that just came into my possession?

ARCADIA
(SFX - TAPPITY TAP)
The stars say... push all your chips into the center of the table.

KINCAID
(approaching)
Here you go, Mister Langhorne, a fresh Energy Drink.

MJL7
Kincaid, hurry back and get two more Energy Drinks. One for your replacement...

KINCAID
Ah, Jeez...

ARCADIA
Don’t mind if I do.

MJL7
And one for... Sorry, I didn’t get your name...

BOWDEN
Doctor Paul Moriarty. Crackerjack cryptocurrency connoisseur.

MJL7
Thanks for the assistance, Doctor. Would you like to be my personal guest at tonight’s secret
auction?

BOWDEN
I think I can clear my calendar.

MJL7
Let me grab you a ticket.

BOWDEN
(soft)
Nostra-hot-damn-us she’s good! Arcadia’s prediction was spot on, he’s showing me the way!

GLORIA
(soft)
Don’t be too impressed, no one’s helped you with a career decision--

MJL7
Here you go, Doctor, two invitations to tonight’s auction. Why don’t you kill the intervening hours
in the VIP Lounge with my other new friend here, Miss Philomena Meyerwitz--

BOWDEN
VP OF PRODUCTION AT UNIVERSAL?!

PHILOMENA MEYERWITZ
Ah, my reputation precedes me!

BOWDEN
Well, I’m a bit of a movie fan when I’m not, you know... blockchaining, and... chainblocking...
what brings you to the conference?

PHILOMENA MEYERWITZ
Comcast Universal thinks NFTs could be our way back to the top of the Hollywood ecosystem. Between tokens and our next film, Abbot & Costello Vampire Hunters, we see a real light at the end of the tunnel!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION - ELSEWHERE AT THE CONFERENCE

BOWDEN (ON COMMS)
Universal! Vampires! Arcadia! Light! CLARITY!!!!

SKIP
Bowden, slow down--

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
Allow me to translate: Arcadia told Bo he’d meet someone at the conference who’d help him choose between his two scripts--

BOWDEN (ON COMMS)
AND I DID!

ATHENA
Bowden, do not tell me you’re falling for her hooey.

ARCADIA (ON COMMS)
I’m on this channel too, you know.

SKIP
Team, this is not the time to debate the merits of a decision making system based on positions of celestial bodies--

ATHENA
IT ALWAYS IS!

SKIP
Arcadia, stick with MJL7. Bowden and Gloria, prepare for that auction. Our five day plan is now
five hours, but that doesn’t mean anything has to change!

ATHENA
Granger, sometimes I don’t know whether to be slightly inspired by your dedication or abjectly
horrified by your denial.

MUSIC: TRANSITION TO THE AUCTION - PRE-EVENT CHATTER, MINGLING

ANNOUNCEMENT
Lady and Gentlemen, please take your seats, the First Annual New Kids on the Blockchain Secret Auction will now begin. Those without a written invitation, proof of $10,000,000 in capital, or an autographed photo of Julian Assange will be escorted from the floor.

BOWDEN
I’m going to find my seat, Miss Meyerwitz--

PHILOMENA MEYERWITZ
Oh, please, its Phil.

BOWDEN
(giggles)
OK wow. But yes. We’ll chat.

GLORIA
(soft)
Eyes on the task, Bowden.

BOWDEN
(soft)
I have two eyes.

ANNOUNCEMENT
Item 1 up for auction tonight: a fragment of the crust of the pizza that Florida man Laslo Hanyecz
purchased in the first ever Bitcoin for food exchange on May 22, 2010. Let’s open the bidding at
$5,000.

SFX - TRANSITION TO THE IT BOOTH

IT GUY
Woah...and these floppy disks, you could take them out of the computer?

MCGRATH
And move them to another computer.
(SFX - THE IT GUYS GASP, THEN THERE’S A BEEP)
Guys, excuse me a moment...
(SFX - SHE STEPS OUTSIDE)
Skip, I just picked up MJL7’s phone frequency on my hallway scanner, he’s headed to his hotel room.

SKIP (ON COMMS)
He’s left the auction? Why?

MCGRATH
Maybe he forgot his lucky puka shell necklace.

SKIP (ON COMMS)
Arcadia, stay here in case MJL7 comes back. Athena, you’re with me.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE HOTEL

SKIP
MJL7’s room. You’re sure he’s inside?

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
As sure as I am that the hotel’s electronic key override is open to the conference VPN.

SFX - CLICK - THE DOOR UNLOCKS

ATHENA
That’s equal parts impressive and terrifying.

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
Put it on my tombstone.

SFX - FROM BEYOND THE DOOR, AN ‘ACK’ AND THEN THE CRASHING OF FURNITURE

SKIP
What was that?

SFX - DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS SKIP AND ATHENA RUSH INTO MJL7’s ROOM

SKIP
There! By the shattered coffee table!

ATHENA
Oooh, I haven’t seen a face that color since I went on a poly date with Blue Man Group.

SKIP
Good heavens, look at the foam coming out of his mouth...

ATHENA
Bet it’s the same color as that Decentralized Energy Drink he’s clutching. Quick, grab his
cryptokey and let’s bounce!

SKIP
Oh no... he wore it around his neck, didn’t he?

ATHENA
Don’t tell me it’s--

BOTH OF THEM TOGETHER
GONE!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE AUCTION

BOWDEN
(soft)
MJL7 is dead?

ATHENA (ON COMMS)
As a Spinal Tap drummer.

SKIP (ON COMMS)
And his cryptokey is missing! So even if he is selling secrets, we can’t prove it! Bowden, Gloria,
you’ll have to prolong the auction until we can find it!

SFX - COMMS OFF

ANNOUNCEMENT
Do I have any more bids on this stunning NFT of Bored Apes Playing Poker, current bid is
150,000,000 ethereum or $37 US, any bidders...

GLORIA
We need to think up a way to slow this auction, and fast.

BOWDEN
Now, now, we don’t have a problem until MJL7’s NFT comes up for sale.

ANNOUNCEMENT
.... and sold! Next up, our final item of the night, the latest NFT minted by Langhorne Capital!

BOWDEN
Hoo boy.

SFX - MURMURS OF INTRIGUE AND INTEREST

ANNOUNCEMENT
For this auction, we will only accept bids in US Dollars.

SFX - GROANS OF DISAPPOINTMENT

GLORIA
What should we do?

BOWDEN
(SFX - COMMS CLICK ON)
Arcadia! I need a chart! Fast!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO SKIP AND ATHENA DRAGGING A BODY

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
Hurry up guys, housekeeping isn’t going to be on break forever.

ATHENA
Oh, maybe you’d like to help drag the venture capitalist into his hotel room’s closet!

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
Hey, that’s on my bucket list, I’m steamed to miss it.

SFX - DOOR SLAMS SHUT

SKIP
Who do you think poisoned him?

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
Isn’t it obvious? Kincaid brought him that drink.

ATHENA
Hell hath no fury like an astrologist scorned.

SKIP
Local authorities can deal with that, our priority is that key. I just hope Bo and Gloria can delay
the auction.

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
As long as they don’t actually bid on the damn thing.

SKIP
Exactly. If we’re going to identify MJL7’s buyer, we can’t risk ending up with the NFT ourselves!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE AUCTION

BOWDEN
So we should bid on it?

GLORIA
And risk ending up with the NFT ourselves?

ARCADIA (ON COMMS)
The stars never lie.

BOWDEN
You never met Russell Brand.

ANNOUNCEMENT
Current bid on the Langhorne Capital NFT stands at 14.5 million from the gentleman in the black
trenchcoat, 14.5... and I have 15 million from the gentleman in what appears to be full Chinese
Military dress. Interesting fashion choices here this evening to be sure, but hey! We’re not here
to judge...

GLORIA
I’m not sure about this, Bowden.

ANNOUNCEMENT
Going once...

ARCADIA (ON COMMS)
Whatever you’re going to do, do it!

ANNOUNCEMENT
Going twice...

BOWDEN
Ahem!

SFX - CROWD REACTS

ANNOUNCEMENT
Ahh, 15.5 million from world renowned cryptocurrency expert Dr. Paul Moriarty! Now we’re cooking with gas! Do I hear 16!

BOWDEN (ON COMMS)
(soft)
Ummm, Arcadia... do the stars have anything to say about how high I should fake bid?

GLORIA
(soft)
Probably best you don’t think of it as fake anything.

ANNOUNCEMENT
I have 16.5 million from the Chinese Army, do I hear 17...

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE HOTEL ROOM

ATHENA
I’m through both bedside tables and all I’ve found are 18 USBs full of Hentai.

SKIP
Nothing in the minibar... and I mean ‘nothing’. I’d hate to see that line item at checkout.

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
Um... guys? I don’t suppose you’ve found his cryptokey yet...

ATHENA
No, we’re still rifling through a dead man’s drawers!

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
STOP DOING MY BUCKET LIST STUFF!

SKIP
Is something wrong, McGrath?

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
You might want to hear the auction.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE AUCTION FLOOR

ANNOUNCEMENT
And a new bid of 18 million from Doctor Moriarty! My oh my, it was a slow night but now there’s
drama! 18.5, do I have 18.5 from black trenchcoat or Chinese army...

SKIP (ON COMMS)
BOWDEN! THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN!

BOWDEN
(soft)
I know, Skip, I had to no choice but to pull an Eric Roberts and go wildly off script!

ANNOUNCEMENT
18.5 million from the Chinese Army!

GLORIA
(soft)
But surely you’ve found the crypto key and we can stop, right? (silence) Hoo boy.

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
Skip, I’m getting chatter on the conference slack channel, they’re asking hotel staff to find MJL7.

ANNOUNCEMENT
Doctor Moriarty with 19 million!

ALL BUT BOWDEN
BO!

BOWDEN
(soft)
We need time!

ARCADIA (ON COMMS)
You could ask me to cast a chart to find the crypto key....

ATHENA (ON COMMS)
I could also sprinkle Alpha-Bits on the pavement and try to divine a message from which ones the pigeons eat, it’d be just as likely to--

SKIP (ON COMMS)
Do it.

ATHENA (ON COMMS)
WHAT?

SKIP
She hasn’t been wrong yet.

ANNOUNCEMENT
19.5 million from black trenchcoat, do I hear 20, wow, I feel like a real auctioneer up here...

ARCADIA (ON COMMS)
Casting the chart now.

ANNOUNCEMENT
19.5 going once, going twice...

BOWDEN
20!

SFX - GASPS, AND SOME APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCEMENT
Well color me red and call me a margin call, we’ve hit 20 million USD for the Langhorne NFT!

BOWDEN
(soft)
I’ve staked the EMF to a 1997 Jim Carrey salary. Let’s pray this works.

ARCADIA (ON COMMS)
Is there a decoration in MJL7’s room, something Asian themed?

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

SKIP
Yes! There’s a print of ‘Great Wave Off Kanagawa’ on crushed velvet hanging over the settee!

ATHENA
Minneapolis, baby, Minneapolis...

ARCADIA
Check behind it!

SKIP
They key! It’s here!

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
Arcadia, how did you do that?!

ARCADIA
Don’t ask me, ask--

EVERYONE ELSE
The stars, we know!

BOWDEN (ON COMMS)
Guys, I’m glad that’s settled, but...

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

ANNOUNCEMENT
20 million going once, going twice--

BOWDEN
Let it go a third time, I don’t mind...

BUYER
Twenty point five million!

SFX - GASPS AND APPLAUSE, SIGHS FROM BOWDEN AND GLORIA

ANNOUNCEMENT
20.5 Million! From a new buyer, the gentleman in the white panama hat!

BOWDEN
Oh thank heavens. I don’t know what we’d have done if we’d...

GLORIA
Prison. We’d have gone to prison.

BOWDEN
Huh. Glad I didn’t realize that four minutes ago.

SKIP (ON COMMS)
Everyone to the rally point posthaste! McGrath, can you...

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
Redirect the security monitors? Did it five minutes ago, Gus and the boys are playing Mario Party on em.
(to the guys)
GUYS, YOU PLAY NICE, I’LL BE BACK IN TEN MINUTES! JIMMY, NO STEALING ANY MORE STARS FROM FRANK, OK?

THE IT GUYS
OKAAAAAY...

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC INTO LANGHORNE’S HOTEL ROOM

MCGRATH
OK, loading MJL7’s cryptokey...

ATHENA
Will no one address the bedazzled elephant in the room?

ARCADIA
What’s that mean, Felon Reddy?

MCGRATH
Dammit, I was gonna use ‘Felon Reddy’ at some point...

ATHENA
How did you knew that second key was behind the painting?

ARCADIA
I didn’t know, the--

ATHENA
Don’t give me that ‘the stars knew’ crap, Bowden doesn’t need another excuse to name drop a
C-lister who peaked the same year as Pogs!

BOWDEN
Accurate, but still it stings.

SKIP
Athena, now is not the time for infighting. Arcadia is on our side and, skeptical as we may be, all
of her predictions have borne out.

ATHENA
Insanity. Pure insanity. Up is down, left is right, and Pratt is the best Chris!

SFX - DING

MCGRATH
The key’s loaded. The latest Langhorne NFT is... a graphic of an eagle carrying an AR-15 over the ashes of the Federal Reserve Bank.

ATHENA
It’s like a photo of the My Pillow Guy’s subconscious.

MCGRATH
Let me run the NSA decryption tool.

SKIP
Excellent, in two seconds we’ll see what MJL7 is really selling.

SFX - A LOUD ERROR SOUND

MCGRATH
Skip, there’s nothing here.

SKIP
What?

MCGRATH
The scan on this NFT is clean.

ATHENA
Sure. The Chinese Army, an obvious Russian FIS agent, and that poor man’s Tom Wolfe who dropped 20.5 mil at the end of things were all bidding on Alex Jones fan art?

MCGRATH
I’m not saying MJL7 was innocent--

GLORIA
--but we’ve got no proof!

BOWDEN
Skip, the conference people are looking for this cryptokey.

MCGRATH
What’s the plan?

A LONG PAUSE

SKIP
Arcadia, cast another chart.

SFX - GLORIA, MCGRATH, AND ATHENA ERUPTS IN ARGUMENT

ATHENA
Skip, stop lending credence to this charlatan! Look: I made tens of millions over the years hiding
information in digital files, it’s how I financed my first puma den! Give me five minutes and--

ARCADIA
SILENCE UNBELIEVER! The stars say...bring the NFT to the buyer and ask him to verify the information. Bust him when once he’s done so.

ATHENA
Put the key into play!? We could lose the NFT and the buyer!

SKIP
Good point... McGrath, make a quick copy of the cryptokey’s contents. Then run a snapface of MJL7.

MCGRATH
Done.

SKIP
Bowden, can you manage his voice?

MJL7 (BOWDEN)
I’ve been listening to him all day!

SKIP
Gloria, shadow us. Give us a twenty meter perimeter, be ready to intervene if anything goes south.

ATHENA
GOES SOUTH?! THIS IS ALREADY THE ANTARCTICA OF PLANS!

SKIP
McGrath, Athena, wait here.

SFX - ALL BUT ATHENA AND MCGRATH LEAVE

ATHENA
How long do I have before Skip and company reach the buyer?

MCGRATH
Two minutes at the outside.

ATHENA
Then fire up that laptop up and hand me that cryptokey backup.

SFX - ATHENA TYPING OVER THE FOLLOWING

MCGRATH
What are you doing?

ATHENA
I’m just looking to yet again prove my colossal superiority, is that so wrong?

MCGRATH
Oh yeah? When the NSA’s own software couldn’t find anything?

ATHENA
NSA decryption tends to look for code strings. You can fool it by spreading the message out across individual bytes.

MCGRATH
You’re sure?

ATHENA
How many puma dens have you financed? Now an image like this stores color data in hexidecimals.

MCGRATH
I see what you’re getting at! Change the last character in every hexadecimal...

ATHENA
... the image barely changes and you can hide an entire message...
(SFX - SUCCESS BEEP)
... just like this one.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE CONFERENCE FLOOR

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
Skip, come in--

SKIP
Copy McGrath, what--

ARCADIA
Agent Granger, my chart indicates a high level of technical ability on the hands of the buyer.

SKIP
Your charts tell you that?

ARCADIA
It’s one way they could be interpreted, yes. Radio silence may be optimal from here out.

SKIP
McGrath, Zulu Protocol from here out. Radio silence.

MCGRATH (ON COMMS)
BUT--

SKIP
Bowden, the buyer is straight ahead next to the Crypto Coffee Booth. Are you ready?

BOWDEN
As ready as Harry Style’s publicist on a press junket: not really but I’ll wing it.

SKIP
It’ll have to do, here he comes...

BUYER
MJL7. We meet at last.

MJL7 (BOWDEN)
Congratulations on your purchase, I’m sure you will find it... illuminating.

BUYER
Oh, it will take my organizations places it’s always wanted to go.

SFX - CONSPIRATORIAL LAUGHTER THAT BOWDEN TRIES TO MATCH

MJL7 (BOWDEN)
Well, that was ominous. Enough pleasantries, though, why don’t we--

ARCADIA
WAIT. THE STARS HAVE A MESSAGE!

BUYER
And you would be...

ARCADIA
The stars say... beware the wolf in sheep’s clothing! THIS MAN IS AN IMPOSTOR! LOOK!

SKIP
Arcadia, what are you--

SFX - ARCADIA RIPS OFF BO’S SNAPFACE, GASPS

BOWDEN
I don’t suppose you’d buy this as a piece of non-fungible performance art, would you?

ARCADIA
These are agents of the EMF, and they were trying to catch you in the act of buying state secrets!

BUYER
Marco! Polo! Come here, both of you!

MARCO AND POLO
Yes, boss!

BUYER
Are you subtly but effectively prepared for this eventuality?

SFX - GUNS COCK

MARCO AND POLO
And how, boss.

SKIP
Arcadia!? How could you!

ARCADIA
Do you know what it is to spend your life, your career, all your God given gifts in the service of
rich bastards who don’t care if you live or die!? All in exchange for a pittance of a salary?

SKIP
Well, we are government employees, so...

ARCADIA
Now you! Let’s settle our tab so I can get out of the this Hungry Man dinner of a city.

BUYER
As soon as I’ve confirmed the contents of... wait a minute! This isn’t a cryptokey, it’s a slide
projector remote!

GLORIA
Artfully dodged once again!

SFX - CLICK, GASPS AND THEN MINOR PANIC

MARCO AND POLO
Hey, where’d the lights go!

SFX - CLICK, THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON, GASPS, GUNS COCKING

SKIP
Everyone, say hello to SEAL Team 5!

BUYER
5! Where’s SEAL Team 6?!

SKIP
They had Taylor Swift tickets and that was not a conversation I was willing to have!

SFX - MCGRATH AND ATHENA RUSH IN

ATHENA
GRANGER, WE’VE GOT THE-- WOAH

SKIP
Athena! You cracked the encryption?

ATHENA
I... um... yes, it’s... sorry, I’m just a little distracted by all the crewcuts and submachine
guns.

SKIP
Was MJL7 selling military ciphers?

ATHENA
You knew? Wait...

SKIP (COMMS CLICK ON)
Section Chief Anders? Did you copy all that?

ZELDA (ON COMMS)
I’ve copied everything since you engaged Zulu Protocol to feed all communications back to
headquarters, Agent Granger.

ATHENA
(gasps)
You were after Arcadia all along!

ZELDA (ON COMMS)
We’ve suspected for some time that she herself has been selling classified information, and was
after one big retirement score.

A
So you bring Arcadia along on the mission to bust her biggest competitor, knowing full well
she’ll jump at the first chance to steal his goods... and you bring me to crack the NFT to prove
it’s stolen intel in the first place!

SKIP
Athena, I’m truly so very sorry for deceiving you--

ZELDA (ON COMMS)
He did so on my orders, Athena. Given this mission’s sensitivity, I wanted you left behind entirely. But Skip, I must admit, you were right. She saved the day. Again.

SKIP
And I’m so proud of you for it!

ATHENA
She's good. She even snuck off and murdered MJL7, hid his cryptokey, and got Bowden to bid up her own profit. Wait...wait...Granger, you’re the worst liar on Earth! How did you ever learn to play me like that!

SKIP
Well... from you! I learned it by watching you!

ATHENA
I..... I....

SKIP
Take them away, SEALs!

BUYER
Hey! Hey! I get my one phone call!

ARCADIA
And I get to cast my one chart, I know my rights....

SFX - ALMOST EVERYONE LEAVES

ATHENA
(Mumbling incoherently)

SKIP
All right team, let’s pack up. Athena, RHFDL may be over but I made sure to download the premiere of ‘Bachelorette in Space’ for you, so... Athena?

MCGRATH
Why is her face doing that?

ATHENA
You... you tricked me. Skip Granger tricked me. For real. You did it.

BOWDEN
I’m getting extreme ‘last ten seconds of Psycho’ vibes here.

ATHENA
You exploited my weakness for your gain... and I allowed it...

GLORIA
Athena? Is there something you’d... maybe... like to share?

SKIP
Yes! You can always share how you feel with us!

ATHENA
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH! Feel? FEEL? I’M FURIOUS AND IMPRESSED AND LIVID AND AWESTRUCK AND DISTRAUGHT AND DAZZLED AND AND AND AND-- AHAHAHAHAHAHA -- AND AND AND

SFX - SHE COLLAPSES

BOWDEN
And she’s down.

SKIP
Oh no, she fainted! (beat) OK, she’s breathing, but I’ll call ahead and make sure Doctor Studebaker is ready to examine her the moment we get--

ZELDA (ON COMMS)
You’ll have to call for that new Doctor, Wiles: Studebaker’s offline till tomorrow.

SKIP
Hmm? Oh. Right...

ALL
The Taylor Swift concert.

GLORIA
Did anybody tell him?

SKIP
None of us had the heart...

MUSIC - END CREDITS

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by John Dowgin and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Philomena Myerwitz
and Bob Killion as MJL7 and The Admiral

Guest Starring
John Dowgin as Humbolt and Dr. Biff Studebaker
Bonnie Brantley as Arcadia Terpsichore
J. Michael DeAngelis as Reginald Kincaid
and Pete Barry as IT Guy, Marco and Polo

Music by Pete Barry. Sound editing and mixing by John Dowgin.

Did you notice how few lines I had in this episode? I did. If you want to hear more of my dulcet tones, you can join our Patreon, where I appear in the newest bonus audio just for patrons. To learn more, visit www.missionrejected.com/support

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2023 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

MUSIC FADES. WE ARE AT A CONCERT VENUE

ANNOUNCEMENT
Ladies and Gentlemen, TAYLOR SWIFT!

SFX - HUGE CHEERS, POP MUSIC

STUDEBAKER
Wait a second... that’s not Connie Francis!

MUSIC - STINGER