Season Three, Episode One: “THE BORSCHT IDENTITY”
TRANSCRIPT

SFX - SOFT WIND, A FLOWING RIVER, A DISTANT BOAT HORN. FOOTSTEPS, HIGH HEELS. THEY STOP.

THE CHILD STAR
Ah, the moon. It hits my eye. Not unlike a large pizza pie.

ATHENA
Some say that’s amore.

THE CHILD STAR
And if a sad British dude sings in trite platitudes?

ATHENA
That’s... a Morrisey.

THE CHILD STAR
Well, well, well. The infamous Athena O’Brien. Nice to finally meet, face to face.

ATHENA
The not quite as infamous but still impressively deadly assassin known only as ‘The Child Star’. Back atcha, sis.

THE CHILD STAR
Who’s the muscle?

ATHENA
Oh, you mean Sven? Say hi, Sven.

SVEN
(Grunts)

ATHENA
Sven is the best kind of manservant. Tall, Swedish, and dumb.

THE CHILD STAR
Quite a dramatic meeting place... your choice or... Sven’s?

ATHENA
My competitors have started using long range listening devices to eavesdrop on our recruiting.

THE CHILD STAR
God, when did the assassination game get so corporate?

ATHENA
Citizen’s United, of course. But here, on the Walkway Over The Hudson, 3000 feet from either shore, we’re safe. So. What say you to my offer?

THE CHILD STAR
I wasn’t sure at first... the latest grist at the rumor mill says you’ve been compromised. Maybe even brought in.

ATHENA
I’d have thought you of all people could recognize half a story when you heard one. The EMF may have held me in their pathetic clutches for a laughably short time, but no cage holds Athena O’Brien for long.

THE CHILD STAR
All of your background checks out. I’ve even interviewed a former contractor of yours to confirm your group pays promptly.

ATHENA
Is that a long way of saying you’re out... or that you’re in?

THE CHILD STAR
I’m in.

SFX - A MASK GETS TORN OFF, AND HANDCUFFS GET SLAPPED ON A WRIST.

BOWDEN
HA! You don’t know how in you are!

THE CHILD STAR
What the--you’re no Swedish manservant! Get these cuffs off me! What’s the meaning of this, O’Brien?

ATHENA
Sorry, chickee, it’s out of my hands. I’m cuffed to him too.

SFX - A HELICOPTER FLIES OVERHEAD

SKIP (THROUGH A BULLHORN)
I’d have thought the Child Star would know when her production’s been shut down... by the EMF! Well done, Bowden!

BOWDEN
Truth be told I haven’t been chained to two women this dangerous since I helped Fey and Poehler host the Golden Globes!

GLORIA (THROUGH A BULLHORN)
Oh, I’m hearing that story later!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION. A HOTEL KEY CARD/DOOR OPENING

SKIP
And welcome to EMF Remote HQ, Poughkeepsie location!

THE CHILD STAR
A Residence Inn?

SKIP
Covert need not mean costly.

GLORIA
Great work, Skip! I’ve radioed Zelda that The Child Star has been grounded!

SKIP
Indeed. I said we’d have her in custody by nine PM eastern standard time and it is...

GLORIA
Eight fifty seven on the dot!

MCGRATH
Fine, Skip, you win the bet, take them.

SKIP
McGrath, please. Volcano Queso takis are your favorite. We’ll split them.

MCGRATH
Awwww. You’re the best, bud.

THE CHILD STAR
HAVE I BEEN CAPTURED BY A BENETTON AD!?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! And how did you catch me?! The one and only Child Star!

MUSIC: ACTION THEME

SKIP
Our intel said you were in Poughkeepsie, so first our tech whiz here hacked the CCTV systems of Vassar, Marist, SUNY New Paltz, and Dutchess Community College.

MCGRATH
Higher education equals lower network security!

BOWDEN
Once we spotted you, we enacted an elaborate multi-day tail. Remember Sebastian, the Uber driver?
(Bowden doing a voice)
Want a Tic Tac? Five stars please!

THE CHILD STAR
Amazing...

SKIP
And do you recognize me? Maybe in these... Warby Parkers?

THE CHILD STAR
GASP! The ex-contractor I used to vet the organization!

GLORIA
Meanwhile, I spent two days in a flight simulator preparing, if I do say so myself--

BOWDEN
Oh, you may say so.

GLORIA
-- that exceptionally sweet helicopter swoop over the Walkway on the Hudson to collect you quickly once we had the goods on you.

SKIP
But we still needed to thE goods: you in the act of agreeing to kill for money. And for that, we rolled out the best bait we have.

GLORIA
He means ‘rolled out’ literally.

SFX - A RECORD SCRATCH. THE MUSIC STOPS.

SKIP
Wheel her in McGrath!

SFX - THE DOOR OPENS, WE HEAR A DOLLY BEING WHEELED IN

MCGRATH (Struggling)
You know, in Silence of the Lambs they had a team of two to handle the supervillain dolly...

ATHENA
Quit whining, Hackatha Christie, you’ve clearly skipped a couple of leg days.

THE CHILD STAR
Athena O’Brien. It really is you.

ATHENA
Yeah, yeah, take a picture, it’ll last longer.

THE CHILD STAR
Of all the people to find playing footsy with the fuzz.

ATHENA
Footsy? You think I’m up here on the world’s most uncomfortable RV by choice?

SKIP
Some of us were against bringing Athena into the field--

GLORIA
You mispronounced ‘all of us’.

BOWDEN
The Morbius re-release seems logical by comparison.

SKIP
But. It. Worked.

ATHENA
Of course it did. I'm brilliant. How you all got anything done without me is the real question.

MCGRATH
Hey, Felon of Troy. Maybe keep your criticisms of the team that caught you on the DL? Now let’s roll, it’s back in spare bedroom with you...

ATHENA
"Caught" is a very loose term, thank you very much...

SFX: McGrath rolls Athena out, bickering as they go.

BOWDEN
Thank heavens the Residence Inn had a suite available. One of those two would not have survived the night on the same pullout couch.

GLORIA
Did you hear Athena criticize McGrath for using a cookie theft technique to hack the Marist network? If she sang one more verse of ‘C is for Clumsy’, McGrath was going to snap!

SKIP
Two strong personalities will always butt heads. But we needed Athena to pull this one off.

SFX - A DOOR OPENS AS MCGRATH RE-ENTERS

MCGRATH
Skip, it’s Z on secure line two.

SKIP (Answering the phone)
Yes, Section Chief.

ZELDA (ON THE PHONE)
Well done, Skip. I hear the Child Star is in hand, and you acquitted yourself quite well in the field.

SKIP
Oh, I bet you say that to all the field team leaders, Section Chief. But really, it was nothing...

ZELDA (ON THE PHONE)
Nonsense. It was quite the gamble, using Athena as bait. But the gamble paid off, and now you’ll have her back in Supermax before Pat arrives in town for her three day conference.

GLORIA
Three whole days in Poughkeepsie, the memories she’ll make...

ZELDA (ON THE PHONE)
I wouldn’t be too jealous, Agent Kovak, God knows what she’s doing there. All it says on our shared calendar as ‘CIA Stuff’. But whatever it is, it’s important enough that top brass wanted The Child Star situation taken care of ahead of it.

SFX - AN ELABORATE KNOCK ON THE DOOR

SKIP
Doctor Studebaker’s here to handle the interrogation, Section Chief.

ZELDA (ON THE PHONE)
Excellent. Report back with the results. Anders out.

SKIP
All right, Doctor, come right--

SFX - DOOR OPENS. STUDEBAKER GROANS.

STUDEBAKER
BACK STABBER!

SFX - THUNDER AND LIGHTNING, A CRASH TO THE GROUND

SKIP
Doctor Studebaker, no! I’d never betray your confidences--

BOWDEN
No, Skip, look! He’s literally been stabbed in the back!

GLORIA
With a syringe!

THE CHILD STAR
OK, now I’m warming up to all this.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents... the backups. Tonight’s episode: ‘The Borscht Identity’.

SFX - THE STORM CONTINUES TO RAGE BACK AT THE RESIDENCE INN

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
Okay, everyone. I've got Zoom up and running, so we've got visual. McGrath, please turn off your cat ears filter.

SKIP
Sorry, that’s leftover from game night, lemme undo those...

ATHENA
Don’t, they’re an improvement.

THE CHILD STAR
Ha! Pssst pssst here little spy...

ATHENA
HA! Off the furniture, McGrath...

MCGRATH
Hey quip-mistresses: you’re only both out here so we can keep an eye on you while we help Studebaker. I’ve got your gags in my pocket.

ATHENA
And I thought you were just happy to see me.

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
Prop up Studebaker so I can see him, please.

SKIP
I’m trying...
(grunting)
There’s a lot more... Studebaker here... than you’d think... UGGGGGH... how’s that?

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
Studebaker, can you hear me?

STUDEBAKER
Mommy? Is it you?

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
Did you have any luck using Dr. Legrange's instructions to identify what compound he was injected with?

MCGRATH
It’s tricky, there are only trace amounts. And away from the lab, with only a threadbare field kit--

STUDEBAKER
Mommy, can I wear the jammies with the feet?

SFX - DOOR OPENS

GLORIA
SIX! SIX CVS’S, WE HAD TO HIT! AND A WALGREENS!

BOWDEN
But we finally found everything on Doctor Legrange’s list!

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
Excellent! I sent the ratios and balances to McGrath’s communicator.

THE CHILD STAR
You all seem busy, can I just go...

ALL
NO!

SFX - STUDEBAKER GROANS

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
He’s hallucinating, what is he saying?

STUDEBAKER
The leads ... the leads...

SKIP
What should we do with this?

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
Legrange said not to confuse him, just go with it!

MCGRATH
And just what is it with which we’re supposed to go?

STUDEBAKER
The Glengarry leads...

BOWDEN
Stand back, all. This lands squarely in my department. THE LEADS ARE FOR CLOSERS,SHELLY!

STUDEBAKER
I DID CLOSE THEM, JOHN!

BOWDEN
THEY KICKED OUT!

STUDEBAKER
THEY ALL KICK OUT, THEY’RE STIFFS!

ATHENA
How are your missions even more ridiculous than I expected?

MCGRATH
Formula’s ready.

GLORIA
Here you go, Doctor Studebaker...

STUDEBAKER
Mrs Nyborg, thank you, the coffee cake is delicious...

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
The effects will be temporary, but they should clear his mind long enough for him to tell us what happened.

STUDEBAKER
Oh.... where am I...

SKIP
Doctor Studebaker, it’s me, Skip Granger. You’re back at the remote Poughkeepsie HQ.

STUDEBAKER
Poughkeepsie... shoot, I’m still only in Poughkeepsie...

GLORIA
Someone attacked you with a toxin!

STUDEBAKER
I’m in here getting weaker, while Charlie’s out there-- WAIT. TED DESOTO! HE DID THIS!

ALL
Ted Desoto!!.... WHO?!

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
Doctor, are you referring to your protege at the University of Chicago?

STUDEBAKER
From 95 to 98. He was the sharpest mind I ever trained, Skip.

SKIP
(all gasp)
Wait, what did you call me?

STUDEBAKER
Skip. That’s your name, you just said so.

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
Clearly Legrange outdid herself with this concoction!

STUDEBAKER
DeSoto and I had a falling out while developing the Deceptionem. He wanted to move into human trials well before it was safe. I fired him, and he went underground, selling his services as a psychopharmacologist on the black market to the highest bidder.

MCGRATH
The entrepreneurial sort, eh?.

STUDEBAKER
You’d have hated him, McGrath. Old school elitist misogynist. But man, did he know his pentathols.

MCGRATH
OK, he knows my name too, I need to go lie down for a bit...

GLORIA
Where did DeSoto attack you, and why?

STUDEBAKER
I can answer one of those questions easily enough, Gloria...

GLORIA
He knows my name too!

ATHENA
You all need hobbies.

STUDEBAKER
I had stopped at the CVS just off the highway to grab extra syringes-- and a Diet Dr Pepper, of course -- when I heard DeSoto’s voice in the next aisle! I ducked behind an end cap as he passed, and sure enough, it was him, looking like he hasn’t aged a day in thirty years.

BOWDEN
Huh. Any particular skin care regimen he might be using?

STUDEBAKER
Bowden, any regimens he’s using, you’ll want to avoid.

BOWDEN
I see. And yes, I just wanted to hear him say my name, too.

STUDEBAKER
The medications he was buying concerned me, so I followed him to the Galleria on Route 9, where he slipped into that killer black light arcade and mini-golf setup on level two.

THE CHILD STAR
Ooh, was Barry working? He’s late with alimony. AGAIN.

SFX - A BIG, GROUP SHHHHHHHHH!

STUDEBAKER
He went straight for the retro sit down Spy Hunter, so I hid behind the Elevator Action console until he left.

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
Ahem. Just hid?

STUDEBAKER
I may have cleared three buildings, we were there for a while! Then I followed him to the parking garage, but that was a mistake; he’d made me, and this was a trap! That’s when he hit me with the syringe.

MCGRATH
We’ve been trying to isolate the compound in that syringe--

STUDEBAKER
Don’t bother, McGrath. As soon as it hit my bloodstream, I knew he’d dosed me up with about 20 milligrams of Psychlide 17. It causes the subject to experience a kind of euphoria where fiction and reality become indistinguishable!

ATHENA & MCGRATH
Like Fox News.

ATHENA
JINX.

MCGRATH
Grrrrrr....

STUDEBAKER
He was about to hit me with a second syringe when a car turned the corner. He panicked and ran. But before the Psychlide kicked in, I was able to snap this photo and call an Unter to get back here.

SKIP
Thank you for brand loyalty in crisis, Doctor!

GLORIA
He got a picture of DeSoto fleeing!

BOWDEN
What’s that on his belt?

SKIP
It looks like a laminated ID.

MCGRATH
Send it to me, let me see if I can enhance it.

ATHENA
Run a wavelet and histogram equalization on it, it’ll bump up the contrast.

MCGRATH
We don’t need any more help from the Potato Heiress today.

ATHENA
All right, I’m just trying to get home in time for FBoy Island.

SKIP
Any luck, McGrath?

MCGRATH
Hold on, I’m... you know... just running a wavelet and histogram equalization...
(SFX - ATHENA SNICKERS)
Because I want to. OK, it’s working. I see three letters across the top of DeSoto’s ID card...

ALL
CIA!

GLORIA
So a master psychopharmacologist is loose...

BOWDEN
... with fake CIA credentials...

MCGRATH
... on the day that Pat’s scheduled to arrive in town for CIA business!

SKIP
That can’t be good.

STUDEBAKER
But it can be worse. I’m almost certain what was in DeSoto’s second syringe. When the cocktail is Psychlide 17, the chaser is usually...Thestreide 9!

GLORIA
And what exactly is Thestreide 9?

STUDEBAKER
By itself, Thestreide 9 is harmless. But alongside Psychlide, it renders the subject exceptionally susceptible to suggestion.

LEGRANGE
Couple that with Psychlide’s reality blurring, and let’s just say it is not a combination to take before you hit the rave.

SKIP
This situation has gone from bad, past worse, it’s hung a left at dire, and now approaches the city limits of catastrophic.

MCGRATH
We’ve got to figure out if there’s a CIA facility near Poughkeepsie. With that fake ID, it’s clearly linked to DeSoto’s plan.

SKIP
Actually, McGrath, I'm not sure...

GLORIA
Bowden and I can visit the Galleria arcade, see if DeSoto left any other evidence behind.

BOWDEN
And I can research Elevator Action while we’re there, Carl Weathers is working on an adaptation/sequel, ‘Elevator Action Jackson’!
(Gloria clears her throat)
Or not. Not works too.

SKIP
Team, we’re handing this one off.

ALL BUT SKIP
We’re what?

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
Granger, are you sure?

SKIP
We’re working from a remote HQ, prepped for a different mission, without access to our full compliment of equipment. We don’t even have our slide projector!

MCGRATH
Truly, how have we survived.

SKIP
But worst of all; while she was of use in The Child Star’s apprehension, I’m hesitant to keep ‘Athen-ay O’Brien-ay’ out of Supermax longer than necessary. Something could go wrong.

SFX - EVERYONE PROTESTS, LAPPING OVER ONE ANOTHER

ATHENA
I'm sorry, did you just "Pig Latin" in finger quotes to prevent me from understanding my own name?

STUDEBAKER
There’s... some... something else...

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
Uh oh, my cocktail is fading.

STUDEBAKER
Both Psychlide and... Thestreide decay rapidly outside refrigeration... Desoto had both... on his person, so whatever he’s planning... it’s soon...

SFX - STUDEBAKER COLLAPSES

SKIP
Doctor Studebaker!

STUDEBAKER (Now he's Blanche Dubois)
Uhhh... uhhhhh.... why... why... open your pretty mouth and talk while I look for some liquor!

ZELDA (ON ZOOM)
And there he goes.

STUDEBAKER
I know you must have some liquor in the place...

BOWDEN
Studebaker’s fantasy world is uncomfortably close to mine.

STUDEBAKER
I’ve always depended on the kindness of agents--

MCGRATH
Skip, that ices it.

BOWDEN
We’ve no time to hand this one off.

GLORIA
It’s up to us and the clock is ticking.

SKIP
OK. You’re right. We’ll just need to deal with this and Athena all at once. So. CIA facilities near Poughkeepsie, New York. Those should be... sparse.

MCGRATH
Pulling up an agency map now... nothing active on here, no.

BOWDEN
Hold on, FDR lived just north of here, in Hyde Park. I remember from when I understudied Jean Smart in a genderblind ‘Sunrise at Campobello’. Perhaps he built a secret CIA facility?

MCGRATH
You know the CIA was founded after FDR died, right?

BOWDEN
Well, he was forward thinking!

ATHENA
(sing-songy)
Bowden’s closer than you think.

MCGRATH
What are you on about, deadweight?

ATHENA
Just Google ‘CIA Hyde Park’. Or is that hack too complex for you?

MCGRATH
(SFX - TYPING)
The Culinary Institute of America, in Hyde Park!

GLORIA
The cooking school? What does that have to... AH! The initials! CIA!

SKIP
You’re suggesting DeSoto is infiltrating a cooking school?

ATHENA
Makes as much sense as a CIA satellite office in the Hudson Valley. Though Rhinebeck is lovely this time of year.

BOWDEN
Paul Rudd lives there; it’s lovely year round.

GLORIA
Wait, Skip... are you considering listening to Athena’s theory? This is a woman who once double-crossed the Emir of Kuwait while triple-crossing the Yakuza and quadruple-crossing ‘Up With People’.

ATHENA
Oh yeah. Good times.

MCGRATH
And now, while she’s in the field with us, one of our team has been assaulted by an underworld figure! It shouldn’t be hard to connect the dots when there are only two dots!

THE CHILD STAR
These are very good points...

MCGRATH
Thank you, master assassin!

BOWDEN
McGrath, be wary of aligning yourself with a former child actress. No one on earth can find and exploit your personal doubts quicker.

THE CHILD STAR
Or spot someone acting in bad faith quicker.

ATHENA
Hey! That’s enough from the second most accomplished felon in the room!

MCGRATH
Second? I think you mean third.

ATHENA
Don’t flatter yourself, narc, I don’t see a ‘volcano lair’ anywhere on your CV!

SKIP
This isn’t helping! McGrath. You and I are off to the Culinary Institute of America.

MCGRATH
WHAT? You’re lending credence to--

SKIP
To a perfectly logical course of reasoning, yes. DeSoto’s fake ID could well be from a cooking school, especially if his plot involves delivering toxins.

MCGRATH
I can’t believe this. I’m going to be surrounded by food and I can’t even be happy about it!

SKIP
Bowden, Gloria: your idea was also good. Visit the Galleria, see if DeSoto left any more evidence.

BOWDEN
Maybe near Elevator Act--

GLORIA
No.

ATHENA
Great plan, Skip. I can see why you’re in charge. I’ll just chill out with The Child Star and Mister Memory here. They got Pay Per View porn at this hostel, or--

SKIP
No no no. You’re with us. If college taught me anything, it’s that Residence Inns are far too easy to escape from!

GLORIA
It... it taught you what?

SKIP
You’ll stay handcuffed to me.

SFX - CLICK OF CUFFS

ATHENA
Ugh. Usually that’s second date territory.

BOWDEN
Well, that takes care of one incarcerated murderess for which we’re legally responsible, what about the second?

GLORIA
We can’t exactly leave Studebaker in charge.

STUDEBAKER
Don't hang back with the brutes...

ATHENA
Well, the world’s least comfortable RV suddenly has an opening.

SKIP
Good call, I’ll strap her in.

SFX - THE CHILD STAR AD LIBS PROTEST AS SHE’S STRAPPED IN

ATHENA
Oh quit your griping, it’s perfectly ergonomic.

THE CHILD STAR
Sure, for an octopus.

SKIP
Now team, we’ve each got our assignments. What we don’t have is time. So for Studebaker, and for Pat... let’s get one last DeSoto off the road! HA!

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC.

MCGRATH
All I said was I didn’t get the reference, we don’t have to--

SKIP
See, DeSoto was a brand of automobile that shut down over 60 years ago, so there aren’t any left on the road, except Ted DeSoto--

ATHENA
OK. Fine. It works. The DeSoto joke works. Are you happy?

SKIP
Happy adjacent, we still have to figure out a way into this school.

ATHENA
Never fear when cold hard cash is near.

SFX - MONEY RIPPLING

MCGRATH
Do I want to know where that came from?

ATHENA
Dunno. Do you want to know how easy it is to pickpocket a babbling idiot dosed up with Psychlide 17?

SKIP
How’d on Earth did you manage that while handcuffed to me?!

ATHENA
If you don’t want scary answers...

MCGRATH
I told you we should have shipped her home. Parcel Select Ground.

SKIP
Hush, someone’s coming...

SFX - VOICES APPROACH

FRENCH CHEF ONE
But if I can’t get it to perfect temperature, the duck’s never going to sear!

FRENCH CHEF TWO
Hey, out of the frying pan and into --

MCGRATH
Hey, you two!

FRENCH CHEF TWO
I'm sorry?

MCGRATH
Yep, over here please, Gareth and Everton.

SKIP
Oh sure, ‘Gareth and Everton’, but ‘DeSoto’ was too obscure...

MCGRATH
(shushes Skip)
How would you guys like to make 500 bucks the easy way? My friends and I are in need of chef’s aprons.

FRENCH CHEF ONE
You want our aprons?

ATHENA
You catch on quick.

FRENCH CHEF TWO
And then... we wouldn’t have to go into the kitchen?

MCGRATH
Err... no, you wouldn’t, you give us the aprons and--

SFX - THE CHEFS RUN OFF HAPPILY

MCGRATH
...then... you two... leave.

ATHENA
They didn’t even take the money.

MCGRATH
I haven’t seen a guy run away from a kitchen that fast since I explained Rocky Mountain Oysters to Bowden. What’s going on in there?

SKIP
Well, slip on these aprons and let’s find out as fast as we--

SFX - PHONE BUZZES

SKIP (CONT’D)
Oooh, my phone! Gloria, any luck at the arcade?

GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
You’d better believe it! I’ve got plenty of dirt!

SKIP
Well, tell me!

GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
You don’t understand--

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE ACTUAL ARCADE

GLORIA (CONT’D)
I’ve got actual dirt, and a lot of it! As soon as we got to the black light arcade/mini golf arena--

BOWDEN
WHICH IS GREAT AND WE HAVE TO COME BACK!

GLORIA
So first off, when I suggested this leg of the mission, I forgot how distracting mini golf is to Bowden--

BOWDEN
It’s golf! But smaller! FORE!

SFX - GOLF BALL THWACK

GLORIA
Ahem. I found the Spy Hunter sitdown where Studebaker spotted DeSoto. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until I noticed footprints on the console floor.

SKIP (ON ZOOM)
Do they give us some information on what DeSoto is wearing? Shoe size, gait analysis--

BOWDEN
It’s not the footprints, it’s what they’re in.

GLORIA
DoSoto left a trail of fine, rich, black dirt, the likes of which I’ve never seen.

BOWDEN
It’s like crushed Oreos, only organic.

GLORIA
I’ve never seen anything like it.

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
Interesting... good work you two!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

SKIP (CONT’D)
Check in on Studebaker and The Child Star, then make your way to the Institute. I’ve a feeling we may need backup.

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
Surely we’ve time for a quick round of eighteen--

GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
For the last time, after the assignment!
(as they leave)
So a DeSoto was a type of car?

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
Yes, what Skip was going for was--

SFX - COMMS ARE CUT OFF

MCGRATH
Ready to go?

SKIP
Hold on, Athena needs an apron!

MCGRATH
Oh, for the love of--

SFX - FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

ATHENA
No pro-blem-o. Excuse me, sir?

CHEF THREE
Yes, can I help--AUGH!

SFX - ATHENA HEADBUTTS HIM UNCONSCIOUS

ATHENA
The right size and everything.

SKIP
(flustered)
Athena, no, we can’t just--you can’t--McGrath, help me here...

MCGRATH
Don’t look at me, I didn’t bring her.

SKIP
OK fine. What’s done is done. But Athena, no more incapacitating innocent bystanders, OK?

ATHENA
Fiiiiiine. Whatever.

SKIP
Ready, McGrath?

MCGRATH
Let’s go reboot Cutthroat Kitchen.

SFX - THE OPEN THE DOORS TO THE MAIN KITCHEN. THERE ARE SOUNDS OF POTS, PANS, ORGANIZED CHAOS

SKIP
Good gravy...

STRESSED CHEF
It’s acceptable gravy, nothing more! I have to start over! I have to start all over! GHHAAA!

SFX - POTS CRASH

ATHENA
I don’t know what I expected, but not this.

MCGRATH
Hard agree. This doesn’t feel like a kitchen, it’s more like...

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
A-TENNNNNNN-HUT!

SFX - CHEFS SNAP TO ATTENTION

SKIP
(soft)
Fall in line, McGrath!

MCGRATH
(soft)
What?

SKIP
(soft)
A line of chefs! Find one and fall it, I’ve got a feeling this is about to--

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
Most of you pathetic lackluster pukes know who I am, but for newbies unfortunate enough to find themselves in my kitchen for the first time this evening, I am Cookery Sergeant Workman. From now on, you will speak only when spoken to. Do you understand?

COOKS
SIR YES SIR!

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the better you will cook!

MCGRATH
What in the Full Metal Jacket Potato is...

SKIP
(softly)
Hush!

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
Who said that?!?! Who's the slimy little microwave-happy twinkle-toed food avoidant down here who just signed their own death warrant?

SFX - A PA SOUNDS

PA ANNOUNCER
Attention chefs: T minus 2 hours till gala commencement. T minus 2.

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
Well somebody’s fairy frikkin godmother is watching out for them, because I don’t have time to Columbo my way to whoever’s insubordinate mouth just shot off! But trust me, I will be watching! Remember two things: first: this is the most important night on the Institute’s calendar, the slightest error will be cause for expulsion!

MCGRATH
(very softly)
OK, once this Oscar clip wraps up, let’s just ask one of these hundred other chefs what’s going on here...

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
And second: The primary rule of tonight’s event...

COOKS
SIR, WE DO NOT SPEAK OF TONIGHT’S EVENT, NOT EVEN TO EACH OTHER, SIR!

SKIP
(softly)
Or... not.

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
You have your orders, now COOK!

COOKS (INCLUDING SKIP AND MCGRATH)
SIR YES SIR!

SFX - FEET AND CLATTERING PANS AS THE STUDENT CHEFS COMMENCE THEIR TASKS

SKIP
We need to figure out what’s going on here, so let’s fan out and see what we can learn. Try to look busy while not actually doing anything.

MCGRATH
All my life has prepared me for this moment.

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
Skip, do you copy?

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION TO OUTSIDE THE KITCHEN

BOWDEN (CONT’D)
We’re on the institute grounds and headed your way.

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
Good. All well with the Child Star?

BOWDEN
She’s secure. Studebaker’s actually keeping her... occupied.

MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
What? A Streetcar Named Denial is watching the prisoner?!

GLORIA
Actually, when he woke up, he was not Blanche DuBois.

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
Oh thank heavens, he was himself.

BOWDEN
We didn’t say that...

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION TO THE RESIDENCE INN

STUDEBAKER (Sings)
EVERYTHING’S COMING UP BIFFYYY...

THE CHILD STAR
NOOOOO! MAKE IT STOP!

STUDEBAKER
SING OUT, LOUISE!

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE GROUNDS

BOWDEN
Prison is pain.

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
All right, keep your eyes peeled and... EEP!
(soft)
Must keep quiet or scary cook man will hear me Granger off comms.

SFX CLICK

BOWDEN
Scary cook man? I read for that role on ‘The Bear’--WHOA--

GLORIA
Quiet! Stay down.

BOWDEN
Why are we hiding behind this farm truck?

GLORIA
Because somebody hasn’t cleaned its rims. Look.

BOWDEN
Holy soot... that dirt is just as black as what DeSoto left behind in the Spy Hunter machine...

SFX - FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

GLORIA
Shh, someone’s coming...

SFX - SOMEONE OPENS THE TRUCK DOOR, TAKES SOMETHING FROM INSIDE, CLOSES THE DOOR, AND WALKS AWAY

GLORIA (CONT’D)
See those shoes?

BOWDEN
Dirtier than the best man’s speech at Tarantino’s wedding. It must be DeSoto.

GLORIA
He took a bag from the truck and now he’s headed for that building, the one with all the HVAC condensers...

BOWDEN
That bag could be full of Thestreide, Psychlide, who knows how many -ides...

GLORIA
If we wait for Skip to come back online, we’ll lose him... ready to chase down a DeSoto?

BOWDEN
Was that a pun?

GLORIA
Was Skip’s?

BOWDEN
Fair enough. Let’s go.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC

SFX - BACK TO THE MAIN KITCHEN - LOTS OF ACTIVITY, COOKING TYPE SOUNDS

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
Outstanding teamwork, recruits...

PA ANNOUNCER
Attention chefs: T minus 1 hour till gala commencement. T minus 1.

SKIP
No, this way, this way--

ATHENA
Will you at least try to move naturally? These cuffs chafe! Honestly, you are the stiffest undercover I’ve ever seen...

SKIP
Me? You’re just looking around while holding a whisk! How’s that elegant spycraft?!

ATHENA
You know what they say. No whisk, no reward.

SKIP
McGrath, I’ve never been this happy to see you. Find anything out?

MCGRATH
Nothing. I’ve been carrying this bag of flour around like I mean it for a half an hour and nobody is saying anything about tonight.

SKIP
Their operational security is surely impressive. Athena, have you learned anything?

ATHENA
(starts hitting him)
I’m handcuffed to you, you colossal boob, even if I wanted to, how could I--

SKIP
Now, now, settle down--

ATHENA
Unhand me, you oaf--hey! What’s that--ZIP TIES!? Why I oughta--

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
YOU THREE. NO TIME FOR CHIT CHAT, THIS INSTITUTION'S REPUTATION IS ON THE LINE!

SKIP AND MCGRATH
Oh er uh yes we mean SIR YES SIR!

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
You two, I don’t recall your face in these halls before!

SKIP
Oh, Sir no sir, We’re... transfers! Yes. Transfer students! Sir!

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
Transfer from where?

SKIP
Uh.... Rensellaer...

MCGRATH
Polytechnic...

SKIP
Agricultural and Mining...

MCGRATH
Technical... State College.

SKIP
In, er... Boise. Sir!

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
I seeeeeee... Is Donaldson still on staff there?

SKIP
Er, Donaldson, I, er-- no sir.

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
Good job, I was testing you! Go help boil the spinach for the Saag Paneer! Our guests are on the premises, and we need that dish served exactly the way Modhri likes it, or we’ll have a rehash of last year! And you!

ATHENA
Yeah?

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
That’s some of the best whisk carrying I’ve ever seen, keep up the good work!

SFX - He walks away

ATHENA
See Granger? Don’t be so whisk averse.

SKIP
Oh no no no no.. If we’re making Saag Paneer for someone named Modhri, this could be far worse than we thought.

MCGRATH
I don’t know, I’m surrounded by a thousand plates of food I can’t eat, that’s pretty much Defcon 1.

SKIP
We’re not going to find the answers we need in here, that’s for sure.

MCGRATH
If only there were an easy way to spread out throughout the complex.

ATHENA
Are you two blind, stupid, or both? Do you not see the dozens of nondescript doors that let the servers move about campus, unseen? Have you never infiltrated a classy establishment?

MCGRATH
Please don’t answer that, Skip.

SKIP
OK, perfect, that’s what you two are now: servers. McGrath, I’m cuffing Athena to you--

MCGRATH
You’re sticking me with babysitting detail?

MCGRATH
Please, like you don’t dream about this nightly.

SKIP
I... would rather to stay close to the kitchen, in case any leads do crop up.

MCGRATH
And where do you want me to take Julia Childish here?

ATHENA
Oooh, you’ve been sitting on that one a while, haven’t you?

MCGRATH
Since the aprons, yeah.

SKIP
Athena, you’re so convinced you’re that much better than us at spycraft: prove it. I need you two to search every building on campus for Viraj Modhri.

ATHENA
The head of the Indian Intelligence Bureau? Why would he be here?

SKIP
Because I’m starting to think this CIA Business... is CIA Business.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC

SFX - INTO A ROOM FULL OF HUMMING MACHINERY GOING UP AND DOWN IN VOLUME

GLORIA
Whole, heavy buttercream, yogurt, curds and whey... this must be the dairy for the entire institute.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS IN THE DISTANCE

BOWDEN
And there’s our man, scoping out that vat up there. Do we make our move?

GLORIA
I’m not sure he’s made his yet, and if we don’t let him, we may never learn what’s going--
(SFX - FOOTSTEPS)
Shh, someone else is here--

DESOTO (some distance away)
Hey, who are you?--AIGH!

SFX - PUNCHES/KICKS/KI-YAS/HAI-KEEBAS BREAK OUT, A REAL THROW DOWN OF A FIGHT

GLORIA
Who in the Jackie Chan is this now?

BOWDEN
We’ll have to Chris Tucker our way into this fight to find out!

SFX - BOWDEN, GLORIA CHARGE AND JOIN THE FRAY

MCGRATH
Hey, get off of-- BOWDEN?

BOWDEN
MCGRATH?

ATHENA
KOVAK?

GLORIA
ATHENA?

DESOTO
DISTRACTION!

SFX - A SMALL EXPLOSION, A HISS OF GAS

GLORIA
Ugh, a smoke bomb!

BOWDEN
Let’s hope that’s all it is! If this guy studied with Studebaker, we could all be doing Cell Block Tango in a second...

GLORIA
Fiddlesticks, DeSoto’s gone!

ATHENA
Wow. Language.

GLORIA
And you, why aren’t you with Skip?

MCGRATH
Skip sent us on a reconnaissance mission--

GLORIA
Well, you botched our only chance of figuring out what DeSoto was trying to do with these vats of... what is this, anyway?

BOWDEN
Sour cream!

MCGRATH
Hold on. I have a field test, let me check a sample of this sour cream for a Thestreide Psychlide compound... nothing. It’s clean.

BOWDEN
So we’re at square one.

GLORIA
And again, who’s right in the middle of the foul-up?

ATHENA
Well, you three, mainly--

BOWDEN
Look, we need to table this and find Skip. His comms are still off, and he needs to know DeSoto is still on the road!

MCGRATH
Please don’t phrase it like that.

GLORIA
It’ll just drag the whole joke thing up again--

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO KITCHEN CHAOS

PA ANNOUNCER
Attention chefs: T minus 30 minutes till gala commencement. T-minus 30!

SKIP
OK. Deep breaths. It’s a country of 1.4 billion. Just because they’re serving a Modhri doesn’t mean they’re serving THE --

COOKERY SERGEANT WORKMAN
START MOVING OUT THE ANTIPASTO!

SFX - FOOTSTEPS, A CLICK

SKIP
Huh. Servers moving into those passageways... I could answer this question myself...
(Skip does his Sam the Eagle voice)
Excuse me, fine waiter type person, let me take this off your hands--

RANDOM SERVER
Hey!

SKIP
Seamless. Just seamless. All right, just follow this train of servers, and I’m sure I’ll find this is--

SFX - SKIP OPENS THE DOOR TO THE DINING ROOM TO FIND PAT ON STAGE ADDRESSING THE CROWD.

PAT
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Intelligence Community, I welcome you one and all to our annual CIA at the CIA International Gala!

SKIP
-- an international incident of the highest order waiting to happen!

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE KITCHEN

MCGRATH
Skip? Skip?! Now where the shucked corn has he gone to?

ATHENA
He was right here when we left.

BOWDEN
McGrath, did you leave Athena alone with Skip at any time?

MCGRATH
We did split up for a bit...

BOWDEN
Leaving Athena alone with him...

GLORIA
... after which he very strangely sent you both away...

MCGRATH
... after which he disappeared!

(A BEAT)

ATHENA
Hey, cool lever!

GLORIA
NO DON’T PULL THAT IT’S A-

SFX - FIRE ALARM.

BOWDEN
I think she knew what it was.

ATHENA
(SFX - JANGLES CUFFS)
Later skaters!

MCGRATH
Wait, what?

GLORIA
Stop her! I’ve lost her in the crowd!

BOWDEN
She’s going to make a move for Skip, I’d wager...

SKIP
Who’s making a move for me?!

ALL BUT SKIP
Skip!

SKIP
Wait, where’s Athena?

MCGRATH
Where do you think!?

BOWDEN
First opportunity, she ran away faster than JK Rowling at DragCon!

SKIP
Rats. I thought we had something going there...
(SFX - CLICK COMMS)
The puma is loose. Repeat, the puma is loose. Initiate Gamma contingency.

MCGRATH
Who the hell are you talking to?!

SKIP
I’ll explain on the way. Let’s get to the parking lot.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE PARKING LOT.

ATHENA
Prius, Prius, Acura, Prius, a Subaru, finally, some sensible lesbians at this school... but oh, hold the phone, is that a Maserati Gran Turismo!? Sweeeeeeet!

SFX - SHE GETS IN AND STARTS TO HOT WIRE THE CAR

ATHENA
Darn it, where’s the wiring harness...

SFX - CLICK OF HANDCUFFS

CHET
Not the harness I’d be worried about, if I were you.

ATHENA
CHET?!

CHET
Take a picture, baby, it’ll last--

ATHENA
I ALREADY USED THAT ONE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

CHET
I’ve been the Athena escape policy from the word go. Been sitting in this car for hours, ever since Skip updated me on the plan. I knew if you got free you’d hightail it for the flashiest getaway car. Oh, you’ve also got a tracker in your bloodstream.

SFX - FOOTSTEPS AS THE TEAM RUNS UP

SKIP
Puma secured?

CHET
In her pen, neat as you please.

ATHENA
Well, at least my codename’s cool.

SKIP
Thanks, Agent Phillips. Good to have you back in the fold.

CHET
Sure thing I’ll be at the Denny’s down the highway if anyone needs me.

SKIP
Mmm. Denny's.

SFX - CHET GETS IN ANOTHER CAR AND SPEEDS AWAY

GLORIA
He was sure in a hurry...

MCGRATH
Well... Denny’s.

BOWDEN
Skip, I’m sorry I doubted you. Of course you and Zelda had an Athena contingency plan in place.

SKIP
Yes, but I can’t tell you how disappointed I am to have had to use it.

ATHENA
Oh really? I’d have thought you’d relish the chance to say you got the upper hand on the great Athena O’Brien again.

SKIP
No, this was never about control, or besting you, or adding another feather to my proverbial chapeau.

MCGRATH
God, two hours around gourmet food and he’s speaking french...

SKIP
Athena, under that hardened, murderous, puma loving shell you’ve so carefully cultivated... there’s a woman who refused to irradiate millions of innocent people at the Austin Band Wars festival. A woman furious at the world’s monolithic and, yes, sometimes heartless institutions... but only because those institutions took her mother. There’s good inside you, Athena O’Brien, just like there was inside McGrath when she first joined us...

MCGRATH
Hold on, I’m the Athena comp here? I’m not sure I’m digging that--

SKIP
I hoped some time with us might start to chip away at that shell. And you know what? I still do. Come on, team, Athena’s not all bad, is she?

BOWDEN
Um... well... at the Residence Inn, I dropped a contact lens, and she pointed out where it fell...

SKIP
See! The contact lens! That’s something! Athena? What say you? Help, or hindrance?

ATHENA
Oh, you’re done? Good. That was pretty but only one thing that drives an O’Brien harder than escape: good, old fashioned, spite.

MCGRATH
OK, maybe I am the comp.

ATHENA
So let me Velma Dinkley you morons through all the clues you’ve missed regarding DeSoto’s actually plan.

GLORIA
If she can do that...

BOWDEN
And that’s a Richard Kiel sized ‘if’...

MCGRATH
It means we can shield that one target, save Pat from embarrassment and maybe trace DeSoto’s employer.

SKIP
Athena, you’ve got thirty seconds.

ATHENA
After the cooks mentioned Modhri’s Saag Paneer, I noticed the evening’s full menu. There are specialty dishes for each representative, based on their homeland. And in the dairy, Desoto went for the sour cream.

GLORIA
But he hadn’t tainted it with a Psychlide Thestreide compound, McGrath’a test proved it!

ATHENA
Compound, no. Test again, I bet we’ll find Thestreide 9 by itself.

MCGRATH
There’s no time for that--

ATHENA
Of course there isn’t, so quit slowing me down! The bigger clue is that black soil on DeSoto’s shoes and truck rims! It didn’t click for me until I surmised the sour cream was tainted only with Thestreide.

SKIP
He’s poisoned another ingredient with the Psychlide!

ATHENA
Which, when mixed with the sour cream, is going to send one special guest into La La Land.

BOWDEN
But so much goes with sour cream! Believe you me, at the Burt Reynolds Dinner theater, you bussed tables when you weren’t onstage!

ATHENA
This is the Hudson Valley, home of the blackest, most fertile soil in the country. Whatever the other ingredient is, I’d wager it was locally grown, so DeSoto poisoned it at the source!

GLORIA
That truck came from a nearby farm, I wrote down the name...

ATHENA
That’s cute, I just memorized it. It’s an organic farm south of Red Hook, and their web site proclaims, a bit too proudly I must say, that they’re CIA’s only source of locally grown beets.

MCGRATH
You figured all this out from dirt?

ATHENA
Don’t knock being a potato heiress.

SKIP
Sour cream and beets... AHHH! Bowden. We need a voice and we need it quick. Eastern European.

BOWDEN
On this short notice, my NoHo Hank impression will have to suffice.

SKIP
Gloria and McGrath? You’re in charge of a two-person takedown.

GLORIA
Are you sure you trust Athena?

SKIP
Hardly. But I do know that those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. Now let’s save a dinner.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION, WE’RE IN THE DINING AREA. GENERAL KILICHENKO SPEAKS. HE SOUNDS ODDLY LIKE NOHO HANK FROM ‘BARRY’

GENERAL KILICHENKO
So then, I say to him, do you know what I say...

WAITER
General Kilichenko, your borscht...

GENERAL KILICHENKO
Ah, thank you... I said, “to make this work will require a little... Kiev and take”!

SFX - LAUGHTER, CLINKING OF SPOONS

GENERAL KILICHENKO (CONT’D)
Hmmm, this borscht is delicious! Just the right ratio of sour cream to... (groan)... Gentlemen, excuse me... I’m not feeling well...

SFX - CONSTERNATION AS KILICHENKO MOVES DOWN THE HALLWAY

GENERAL KILICHENKO (CONT’D)
The restroom, please, thank you...

SFX - IN THE RESTROOM. HEAVY BREATHING

GENERAL KILICHENKO (CONT’D)
Goodness... I feel so....

DESOTO
Suggestible?

GENERAL KILICHENKO
What? Why... you’re my waiter!

DESOTO
A temporary gig, believe me. Listen to me, General. You will give me the current codes and ciphers used by your soldiers on the front. And you will do it now.

GENERAL KILICHENKO
Of course, just a moment. Ah. Yes. Here they are... F. U.

DESOTO
(a beat)
That’s it? What kind of code is simply FU?

SFX - SNAPFACE MASK TORN OFF

BOWDEN
This kind.

SFX - THE BATHROOM DOOR IS KICKED IN

GLORIA AND MCGRATH
HAI----KEEBA!

SFX - HUGE KARATE CHOPS, AND DOWN GOES DESOTO.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC

PAT
Excellent work, squad, as usual. I’ll be sure to let Zelda know when I get home. As I’m sure you can understand, we like to keep this evening’s event low key.

SKIP
Which concerns me a bit...

MCGRATH
Yeah, whoever hired DeSoto had the intel and the lead time to concoct a scheme to influence the chief of Ukrainian security.

PAT
Agreed. But we’ve got DeSoto in custody now thanks to you. With a little help from Studebaker, perhaps we can get to the bottom of our remaining questions.

GLORIA
Well, Director, we’re going to need to give Doctor Studebaker a few more days to get the Psychlide out of his system.

BOWDEN
Yes, it would appear that his time locked in with the Child Star has... exacerbated his condition.

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION TO THE RESIDENCE INN

THE CHILD STAR
Your anger makes me so happy, George!

STUDEBAKER
NEVER TALK ABOUT OUR SON, MARTHA!

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION BACK

PAT
Well Albee darned. Skip, I do have to ask... borscht is a common Eastern European dish, how did you know the Ukrainian was the target?

SKIP
The menu. Had it been the Polish intelligence head, it’d have been spelled the Polish way, with two Zs, and the carrots with the beetroot hinted at Ukraine. Living with McGrath filled me with a new appreciation for the particulars of food.

MCGRATH
They grow up so quickly.

GLORIA
Well as far as I’m concerned, the most important thing is that Athena is on her way back to a maximum security cell. Where she belongs.

MCGRATH
Thank god. Having her with us in the field was a whoooooole thing.

SKIP
It certainly was a challenge. But she did crack the case.

MCGRATH
Sure, while she wasn’t trying to crack our skulls.

GLORIA
Skip, you’re not thinking of using Athena in the future, are you?

SKIP
I think if we’d given up on McGrath after her initial foibles, then she’d be the one in a Supermax. Gloria would still be fetching coffee, Bowden still be bussing at the Burt Reynolds’ dinner theater--

BOWDEN
I like to think I’d be serving by now.

SKIP
And I’d still be writing passphrases.

MCGRATH
You do still write passphrases.

SKIP
My hobbies are my business. My point is, deep inside that puzzle box of neuroses, ambition, and snark that Athena calls a psyche, there’s something worth saving.

MCGRATH
That’s one serious gamble, Skip.

GLORIA
Do you think it’s worth the risk?

SKIP
I don’t know... but it’s certainly worth the whisk.
(beat)
Inside joke.

MCGRATH
Let’s leave it inside, shall we?

MUSIC: END THEME

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by John Dowgin, from a story by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin, and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as the Child Star
and Bob Killion as Cookery Sgt. Workman

Guest Starring
John P. Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker
Pete Barry as Ted Desoto
J. Michael DeAngelis as General Kilichenko
and Sarah Rhea Werner as Pat

Music by Pete Barry. Editing and sound mixing by John Dowgin.

Did you miss us? Our Patreon members got bonus material all hiatus long, including extended episodes, Discord listen-a-longs, and a behind-the-scenes blog. Join us for as little as $1 a month and help support our cast. Visit www.missionrejected.com/support for more details. Tell them Mission Voice sent you.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2022 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

MUSIC FADES

SFX - A DINER

CHET
Breakfast for dinner, even at Denny’s, Skip? The spicy dinner bowls are where it’s at.

SKIP
After today, I need something a little... safer.

CHET
Well, I warned you not to bring Athena into the field.

SKIP
But ultimately, she did the right thing...

CHET
Sure, just to spite you!

SKIP
If she really wanted to spite us, she could have said nothing, let DeSoto get away...

CHET
Well... I guess you can never know what’s--

THE ADMIRAL (IN CHET'S HEAD)
What's going on inside someone else's head.

SFX: CHET SLAMS HIS FISTS ON THE TABLE, CUTLERY JUMPS

SKIP
Chet, what was that?! Compose yourself, we’re in a Denny’s!

CHET
I... I... Skip, sit tight. There’s someone near the door. Don’t-- don’t look, just play it cool...

SKIP
Oh! Oh... play it cool. Not my forte, but OK...

CHET
I think it’s an old foe of mine. Someone from... the old days.

THE ADMIRAL (IN CHET'S HEAD)
Not so old, Chet, not so old.

SKIP
Do you want me to radio the team for--

CHET
No. No, stay here. I’m going to make a recon pass on my way to the restroom. Just... be chill.

SKIP
Chill. Still not my forte.

CHET
You’ve got this, Skip.

THE ADMIRAL (IN CHET'S HEAD)
He certainly does. But do you?

CHET
Be right back.

SFX - CHET ENTERS THE RESTROOM, SPLASHES WATER ON HIS FACE

CHET
You’re not real... you’re not real...

THE ADMIRAL (IN CHET'S HEAD)
Oh Chet. I’m as real as any other thought in here. And I’m. Not. Going. Anywhere. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

SFX - CHET PUNCHES HIS FIST INTO THE BATHROOM MIRROR. THE ADMIRAL'S LAUGH GROWS MORE MANIC.

MUSIC: STINGER