Season Three, Episode Twelve: “COLDFINGER”
TRANSCRIPT
A BLACK VOID
SFX: Footsteps echoing in an endless black void. A a tape clicks on.
MISSION VOICE
Good morning, Agent Phillips.
CHET
I don’t think it’s morning. I’m in, like...a big, black nothing.
MISSION VOICE
Then you can’t prove it’s not morning, can you?
CHET
I guess you’re right.
MISSION VOICE
I always am.
CHET
Good to hear from you, though. You know, I can’t believe I’m admitting it, but I miss the EMF.
MISSION VOICE
Then pay attention. In 1947, the Army Signal Corps, in conjunction with the Haloid Company and the Battelle Memorial Institute, built a secret facility near the South Pole.
CHET
Good old military-industrial complex, doing its thing.
MISSION VOICE
The project wasas an attempt to using the fledgling science of imminent signal theory to develop machine-powered telepathy
CHET
A load of nonsense, if you ask me. “Machine powered telepathy”.
MISSION VOICE
At first, subjects were connected using wires and electrodes -
CHET
So, like, they would hook two soldiers’ brains together and try to upload thoughts from one to the other like a backup hard drive.
MISSION VOICE
Correct. But, due to an unexpected effect of the resonant metorite crystals, the scientists eventually achieved success in wireless mind-to-mind transfer as well.
CHET
And that’s when they changed the name to Project Black Ink.
MISSION VOICE
Not exactly. They changed it to Black Ink when...something started talking back, through wireless telepathy.
SFX: An unnerving rumble starts to build up.
MISSION VOICE
Something inhuman. Something that is right now buried deep under the ice. Something that is trying to get out.
CHET
And something The Admiral thinks he's talking to in his head. Okay, what do you want me to do about it?
MISSION VOICE
Your mission, Agent Phillips, should you choose to accept it, is to WAKE UP!
SFX: Chet suddenly surges to consciousness! He struggles! Electricity crackles all around him!
INT. THE TELEPATHY LAB
ADMIRAL
Good morning, Agent Phillips! Welcome to the Haloid and Battelle Institute of Higher Learning! At the South Pole!
CHET
Gah! My shoulder...you shot me with a harpoon gun, you maniac!
ADMIRAL
Not to worry, Chet old bean! The Army Signal Corps left plenty of iodine and bandages. We tied the gauze nice and tight!
CHET
You also tied me nice and tight to this...wait a minute. This is a pod just like the one you brainwashed me in back on your cruise ship!
ADMIRAL
Yes! The inspiration to build them was planted in me years ago by the great Mind from the ice beneath us!
CHET
This is one of those telepathy machines they built in the 40s! For transferring information between brains! And what’s on my forehead...are these electrodes?
ADMIRAL
Just like mine! Look! I’ve got them on my forehead too! TWINSIES!
CHET
Then you don't have the wireless machine yet.
ADMIRAL (Giddy)
Not yet...BUT SOON! Just a little more digging.
CHET
You’re gonna try to transfer something from my head to yours?
ADMIRAL
No no no! Quite the opposite, Chet!
CHET
You know...for years I asked you to stop calling me “Mister Doe”...but you’ve suddenly stopped, and it’s setting my nerves on edge. Why?
ADMIRAL
Ohoho! Don’t you worry Chet! I shall return to calling you “Mister Doe” very soon! Won’t I, Mister Doe?
MISTER DOE (in the Admiral’s head)
It’s time, Admiral.
CHET
Admiral, listen to me! This “Mister Doe” you’re talking to is a hallucination!
MISTER DOE (in the Admiral’s head)
Don’t listen to his lies, Admiral.
CHET
You think he’s some manifestation of your alien overlord but it’s - AAH!
SFX: The Admiral leans on Chet’s wound joyfully!
ADMIRAL
Mister Doe is the emissary of Zeerox, Chet! He has lived in my mind for some time now! But it is time for me to let him go...so he can live in yours!
CHET
NOOO
SFX: The Admiral THROWS A SWITCH! SPARKS FLY! CHET and the ADMIRAL HOWL IN AGONY, and then Chet begins to LAUGH in TRIUMPH!
MISTER DOE
I’ve...got a body!
SFX: They laugh together!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC!
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world's more secret agents...the backups. Tonight's episode: "Coldfinger."
MUSIC FADES
INT. EMF CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT
SFX: Bleeps. Bloops. Skip is mid-mission briefing with Zelda.
SKIP
...then if you can secure us a military flight to New Zealand, we could be at McMurdo station in approximately 72 hours. We’ll go from Wellington by submarine. While I recognize we don’t have a great track record with submarines -
ZELDA
Let’s talk about track records.
SKIP
I appreciate it, Section Chief, but no need for a pep talk this time - I’m certain of our success.
ZELDA
Skip, I’ve called Pat.
SKIP
Oh of course, Section Chief! Please send her my apologies for needing you to put your date night on hold while our team saves the world!
ZELDA
That’s not what I -
SFX: Door bursts open.
MCGRATH
I dunno what you did to piss off Tyrone in Requisitions, Skip, but his attitude is worse than the dudes on r/conservativedating.
GLORIA
He said, and I quote, “if you’re doing the god damn Battle of Hoth, I need more than twelve hours notice.” He only had three cold weather parkas on hand.
BOWDEN
Luckily, I can provide my own for Gloria and myself. These are the ACTUAL parkas worn by Mulder and Scully in The X Files movie. I won them in a celebrity strip poker game. And I’m the exact same cut as Gillian Anderson.
MCGRATH
I want to believe.
GLORIA
Here’s yours, Section Chief...and Agent Granger. Tyrone says you get the extra husky.
ZELDA
Thank you, Gloria, but tell Tyrone -
SFX: The door bursts open again and in comes:
LEGRANGE
Sorry we’re late! We were taking new headshots for Agent Stevens’ LinkedIN profile.
SFX: Stevens mews happily as Legrange jingles his Mr. Bunnysworth toy.
MCGRATH
Oh God, Skip, your cat allergy!
LEGRANGE
Relax, pal-o. Stevens is using my specially formulated anti-dander medical shampoo. Look, I can stick him right up Skip’s nose!
SFX: Stevens purrs as she sticks him under Skip’s nose. Skip inhales. HE BREATHES CLEARLY!
SKIP
Wow! Not even a sniffle! And is he...pine scented?
LEGRANGE
Let’s call it a feature, not a bug.
SFX: Door. Enter Studebaker.
STUDEBAKER
Karol, you gotta help me! Some dark wizard trapped my mother in this little box!
MOTHER STUDEBAKER (ON PHONE)
Hello? Biff? Is that you?
LEGRANGE
No, Biff, I told you, that’s just FaceTime. Get in here, Johnny says he has a new mission for everybody!
ZELDA
What do you mean, “everybody”?
SFX: The door bursts open as Dr. Pickle crashes through.
DR. PICKLE
Sorry. Sorry. That WAS my fault. Did someone order a complete set of Antarctician maps?
SKIP
Yes, thank you, Dr. Pickle. I need you to start plotting the fastest route by submarine to the Ross Sea.
SFX: Door.
MISSION VOICE
Can you all keep it down? We’re trying to do a recording session next door.
LARRY
Hi. Larry Hastings, Bass-Baritone.
BOWDEN
Larry!?
LARRY
Oh, Bowden! I hope you don’t mind, I’m taking a master class from your voice teacher.
BOWDEN
My what?
MISSION VOICE
(Pulling Bowden aside)
Listen, this guy’s paying me $500 an hour to help him make a demo reel. Let him believe whatever he wants.
SFX: Door
PHILLIPE
BONJOUR!
MCGRATH
Phillipe, my sweet, blissfully ignorant billionaire!
ZELDA
No!
SKIP
Mr. Saint-Renoir, you were of such help to our Live Action Roleplaying Group during our historical submarine battle reenactment, we thought you might like to join us for a recreation of The Hunt for Red October.
MCGRATH
And provide a sub, of course.
PHILLIPE
Oui! Oui!
ZELDA (hushed)
Skip, we are no longer working freelance! There are protocols to follow!
SKIP
You know what I’ve learned this past year, Section Chief? Screw the protocols.
SFX: A collective gasp.
MCGRATH
Oh my God. I did it. I broke him! Only took three years.
ZELDA
I repeat. This is a government operation. We cannot put a civilian at risk.
SFX: Door
WHITMIRE
Sounds like you need the name of Ted Kennedy’s lawyer.
ZELDA
Secretary Whitmire!
WHITMIRE
Hello there, Zelda. Word up at the Pentagon is that you’ve got something brewing down here, thought I’d just come check it out.
SANDY BOTTOMS
WE thought. Afternoon, everyone. When Skip Granger is on a case, MI:6 is always interested.
WHITMIRE
What Lord Fancypants here means it that we thought we’d see if we could offer any... assistance.
ZELDA
Thank you, Mr. Secretary, Agent Bottoms, but we have everything under control -
SKIP
You can authorize me to undertake “Operation: Antarctic Overtures.”
GLORIA (Gasps)
Sondheim pun.
BOWDEN
R.I.P.
SKIP
Mister Secretary, Agent Bottoms: Admiral H.R.R. Fletcher has found a machine that uses imminent signal theory -
WHITMIRE
I’m, eh, gonna need to understand this “imminent signal thingy”. What machines are we talking about?
LEGRANGE
The Deceptionem, Model X, Model Y, the Model T-Ford maybe, that wedding broadcast, and that real relaxing sauna he built.
MCGRATH
Machines that use EM signals to alter and corrupt brainwaves at a distance. These things can alter emotions, cause amnesia, or rewrite your entire personality!
GLORIA
Just look what a prototype did to Doctor Biff Studebaker!
STUDEBAKER
Biff Studebaker, where? That deadbeat owes me five bucks! Wait. Who were we talking about again?
SANDY BOTTOMS
So you intend to stop Fletcher before he uses this machine...to do what this time?
SKIP
Agent-in-Training McGrath, slide projector.
(slide projector)
Between this expense report from 1957, the testimony of Oscar-winning actor Balthazar Montcrief -
BOWDEN
EHHHHH....
SKIP
and Doctor Studebaker and Legrange’s non-traditional research on telepathic signals, there is only one possible conclusion: we must act now to get to Antarctica and prevent the Admiral from using this machine to contact an extra-dimensional intelligence and start an alien invasion!
Silence.
WHITMIRE
I...see.
ZELDA
Perhaps before Skip begins his briefing in full, we could all move into the roomier auditorium?
SFX: Everyone readily agrees.
SKIP
Good idea Section Chief!
ZELDA
That’s right. Step right this way. We’re right behind you.
(to the team)
Hold it! You four stay.
SFX: She closes the door.
ZELDA
Are you kidding me?
MCGRATH
Zelda, look, Skip could have put that opening statement better, but no doubt, this is happening -
ZELDA
Agent-in-Training. Be. Quiet.
GLORIA
Section Chief I think -
ZELDA
SILENCE.
GLORIA
Oh.
Silence.
ZELDA
Agent Granger, there are elements within the intelligence community who believe we were better off dissolved, and you are making their case for them!
SKIP
Chief I understand that we’ve had some bumps along the road but -
ZELDA
Bumps?!? Ha! Bumps, he says! Under your leadership, you bankrupted an orphanage, a cat destroyed irreplaceable artworks, you were lured into a compactor by an insane escape room operator in Indiana and were only saved by a child driving a wrecking ball who also wanted you dead. And that was just this year.
BOWDEN
Easy, Zelda -
ZELDA
We crashed a wedding. Where I almost died falling into a volcano. Without my wife.
SKIP
Yes...but...we were saving the world.
ZELDA
AND THEN I had to go into hiding. As a mail clerk. Because being too close to my wife might get her killed. Never again.
MCGRATH
Hey, we all made sacrifices -
ZELDA
Never. Again. You did excellent intelligence work, Skip. Now let someone else bring it home.
SKIP
It sounds like you want to call Chet Phillips and hand this off to him!
ZELDA
If I knew where he was, I would.
Shocked silence.
GLORIA
Section Chief...you don’t...mean that.
ZELDA
Pat and the CIA will take it from here. Please dismiss the freak show in the auditorium and then wait at home until called for.
MCGRATH
Oh no. You gonna sit your ass down, Z.
ZELDA
DO NOT MAKE ME THE BAD GUY.
MCGRATH
You think Pat's going to be proud of you for treating us like some dumb, misbehaving puppies?
ZELDA
IF PAT WERE HERE SHE’D MAKE THE SAME PLAY.
SFX: The door opens.
PAT
Would I? Hey, hun.
ZELDA
Pat?
PAT
Sorry to interrupt what sounded like a good old fashioned chewing out!
GLORIA
It’s really good to see you, Pat. I think we need some...good vibes.
PAT
You know my hugs are free, Gloria.
BOWDEN
Bring it in!
SFX: Pat hugs Gloria and Bowden
PAT
You okay, Zelda? Skip?
ZELDA
We’re okay, Pat, I just -
SKIP
I believe the Section Chief was going to say she called you here because she needs the CIA’s help on a task which she believes the EMF is...not quite up to.
ZELDA
That’s right.
PAT
Is that so? Well, I can get a task force moving ASAP if you give me the details.
GLORIA
Hope you like science fiction.
BOWDEN
How fast can you get a task force to...the South Pole?
PAT
48 hours.
MCGRATH
What if you had to convince the up-and-ups that it was for stopping an alien invasion?
SKIP
The Admiral is going to Antarctica. We could be looking at a global -
MCGRATH
Possibly galactic -
SKIP
event at any time.
PAT
I see. Well, I’ll get things rolling right away.
ZELDA
Thank you.
PAT
I’ll just need to go home and pack a bag. I suggest you all do the same.
SKIP/ZELDA
WHAT?
PAT
If an extraordinary circumstance needs to be resolved today, that’s the reason the Extraordinary Mission Force exists.
ZELDA
But -
PAT
So the six of us are going to Antarctica!
MCGRATH
Noice!
BOWDEN
Ooooh!
ZELDA
Pat, no!
PAT
Zelda. You owe me a date. You, in fact, owe me several dates. So I’m cashing in. Take me to Antarctica. I don’t want to be away from you either, Zelda. Plus, I want the Admiral to answer personally for keeping us apart.
ZELDA
...Granger. Will your plan still be viable if we put the rest of those clowns on their own submarine?
MCGRATH
Sure. If we’re doing Red October, somebody has to be the Dallas. Phillipe as replicas of both.
SKIP
It’s a deal, Section Chief.
ZELDA
Okay. Make me a believer, Agent Granger.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. SKIP’S SUBMARINE
SFX: A submarine under water. Sonar pings. Bowden is walking the bridge with a GoPro, documenting everything.
BOWDEN (Narrating)
April 14th, 7:38 am. The team and I are deep within the waters of the Pacific to track down the Admiral and put an end to his dastardly, A24-inspired plan. Up there at the helm is the Section Chief and her lovely wife Pat. Wave high to the camera, Section Chief.
ZELDA
What in God’s forsaken earth are you doing, Bowden?
BOWDEN
I figured it was high-time for a in-depth Tiger King-esque series about EMF exploits. Who better to tell our story? And what better time to make my directorial debut?
ZELDA
I will politely advise you once to get that camera out of my face. You don’t want to find out how I ask that the second time.
PAT
Now, no need to bite his head off! It’s a long trip, it’s good he’s found a way to stay distracted and productive. Especially if we’re going to wander around the Marianas Trench lost because you refuse to ask for directions.
ZELDA
I don’t need directions, I’ve been submarining since I was 13! I know that sounds like hyperbole, but seriously, my middle school instituted some very creative electives because of the Cold War.
PAT
Try to calm down dear, we don’t want a repeat of our road trip to the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota. And we don’t even have my special secret trail mix to lighten the mood!
BOWDEN (narrating)
On the eve of possible catastrophic galactic invasion, the only thing that mattered was getting to the Antarctic. But who could say if the team would be able to put aside their differences, even in the face of annihilation?
SFX: Bowden walks back to the main part of the submarine.
BOWDEN
Here's our fearless leader, Agent Skip Granger, hard at work on his laptop. No doubt organizing his Instacart recipets by serial number. And here’s Agent-in-Training McGrath being our eyes and ears in the water, her gaze firmly fixed on the periscope. Hey McGrath! Wave hi to the camera, McGrath.
(beat)
No, with your whole hand. Thoughts on the trip so far, McGrath?
MCGRATH
Man, old tech is so hilarious. Like this periscope? It looks like something out of a Marmaduke cartoon strip.
GLORIA
I think they’re neat! I kind of wish we’d kept them and put them in other modes of transportation. Just imagine a periscope on a plane, or a Jeep Wrangler!
MCGRATH
What would you even use that for?
GLORIA
For high-speed bird watching. Duh!
MCGRATH
Skip, you're quiet. What gives?
SKIP
Just going over the plan. Making sure everything is air tight.
GLORIA
I checked it myself, Skip, and as far as submarine landings on Antartica go, this is the gold standard.
SKIP
I know, it's just...if I'm being honest, the Section Chief got to me back in the briefing room. What she said about us. I know our plans don't always go a hundred percent smoothly -
MCGRATH
Understatement of the year.
SKIP
but we get the job done! And I'm proud of us. I just never imagined she was so dissapointed.
GLORIA
Skip, I wouldn't take it personally. This past year was hard. We all went through a lot and I think the Section Chief is just...scared. Even if she has a funny way of showing it.
SKIP
You're right. But either way, if there was ever a mission we needed to go perfectly, it's this one.
SFX: Everyone's email alerts chime.
SKIP
Alright everyone, check your emails. I've compiled a database of Area 51 strategies for intergalatic alien encounters.
MCGRATH
I just figured we'd challenge them to a basketball game for the freedom or Earth.
SKIP
We need to stay vigliant. If we do fail, it won't be because we aren't prepared.
GLORIA
Agent Granger, so, um, I'll for fiding the Admiral and stopping him, but I think it's important that we set realistic expectations for what we're walking in to.
SKIP
Oh! Do you have a prediction for specifically what kind of aliens we'll be up against?
GLORIA
Uh, no. Because ailens aren't real.
SKIP
I know it seems wildly fanciful but Horace Maneater believed it. And Johnny Onebuck believed him. If I can’t trust an expense report...what can I trust?
GLORIA
Bowden? Miss McGrath? Come on, talk some sense into him!
MCGRATH
I don’t know...I don’t believe it, but... I don’t not believe it either.
GLORIA
You Mackenzie? But you’re the most skeptical person I know!
MCGRATH
And I wear that badge with honor. But look, a hundred years ago, the things we can do with technology today would have been considered a miracle, or magic, or something out of Harry Potter. Today it’s just science. Just because we can’t back it up yet doesn’t mean they’re not out there.
GLORIA
Bowden?
BOWDEN
I don’t know, and you know what? It doesn't matter to me. Sometimes the universe is unpredicatable and you have to improvise. Not knowing what's coming is part of the fun. I mean, I don’t love the idea of having to compete with alien actors, but as long as I get some great footage, I’m along for the ride.
GLORIA
I can’t believe this. I know we’ve had some zany missions, but there has to be a line, right?
SKIP
I understand that, but why this one? We've seen some pretty wild things and, frankly, I’m surprised you’re so close minded, Gloria.
GLORIA
I’m not close-minded! I’m just using my brain.
MCGRATH
Careful Gloria. If you got any more condescending, you’d fit right in at Gwyneth Paltrow’s book club.
GLORIA
You take that back!
MCGRATH
Ooof.
GLORIA
Look, I'm sorry, but I grew up listening to my Uncle Riley go on and on about lost treasure inside the local sewage treatment plant or Bagel Bites being owned by Bigfoot, and at some point you need to start demanding hard evidence before you buy into every Reddit theory out there. And The Admiral won't hesitate to take any one of us out while we're busy looking over our shoulders for some tentacled tally whacker.
SKIP
Gloria, I respect your position on this. You don’t have to believe anything. The important thing is that The Admiral believes it - and that makes him very very dangerous.
BOWDEN
This is just the sort of dramatic conflict I need for my doc.
SFX: Phone buzzing.
BOWDEN (narrating)
But at that moment, they were interrupted by a phone call.
SKIP
It’s the Red October!
(he takes the phone)
Hello?
SFX: Muffled chaos on the other end.
DR. PICKLE (shouting over the chaos)
Oh! Um, hello dear!? Are you there?? I’ve borrowed the Frenchman’s phone.
SKIP
Pickle, what’s going on? We’re nearing our rendezvous point. Are you close?
DR. PICKLE
About that. It seems we’ve ended up in the Labrador Sea.
SKIP
What?? But that’s up in the Arctic, not the Antarctic! What happened?
DR. PICKLE
Well, it seems that Studebaker tore up my map because he thought it was looking at him funny. Then Sandy Bottoms and Philippe started having a row about our passage through the Gulf Stream impacting penguin habitats. Then Dr. Legrange grew concerned that the Antarctic houses the family members of several of her penguin test subjects and she fears revenge. Then factions were formed about whether people would rather go see the penguins or the polar bears, and now that Larry fellow is just doing his impression of Danny Devito as The Penguin and well... I’m not really sure how it happened.
MCGRATH
We need you here! How are we supposed to stop the Admiral if most of our team is 10,000 miles away?
DR. PICKLE
Maybe... over Zoom? I hear lots of people are working remotely now!
SKIP
We need you to do everything you can to right the course. We need you down here yesterday.
DR. PICKLE
I’ll do my best Agent Granger, but things are getting a little crazy and I doubt--
SFX: Crash as she trips over something.
DR. PICKLE
Secretary Whitmire! This is not a good place to dispose of your scotch bottles!
SFX: She hangs up.
BOWDEN (narrating)
For once Skip was speechless. He stared into the abyss wondering where this mission had gone so wrong.
GLORIA
Bowden!! You’re not helping.
BOWDEN
Sorry, love.
SKIP
No. It’s okay. We’ve been hung out to dry before, we just need to rethink the mission. We’re going to spend the rest of the trip going over every part of the plan and reforming it to suit our six-person team. This is gonna be fine, if we put our minds together and have enough time to regroup --
PAT (calling)
Land ho! Plan to surface in five minutes.
SFX: ALARM
ZELDA
What the hell...we’ve got incoming!
PAT
From where?
ZELDA
Fifteen degrees starboard...and ten degrees portside...and from the air! Surface, as fast you can! All hands, abandon ship.
SFX: Suddenly, mysteriously, The Admiral is on all comms channels.
ADMIRAL (ON COMMS)
Hello and goodbye, dear friends. Welcome to Antarctica. Enjoy your watery graves...
SFX: KABOOM! The sub floods.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
EXT. THE ROSS SEA, NEAR AN ICY SHORLINE
SFX - HUGE WAVES, POUNDING SURF, AND GASPING SPIES TRYING TO SWIM. “/” INDICATES A PAUSE AS WAVES SMASH THEM IN THE FACE
BOWDEN
By this time/ my lungs were/ aching for air--
SKIP
We’re close to/ shore!
GLORIA
Then why/ is the shore/ getting smaller--
MCGRATH
These tides are/ BEASTS!
SKIP
Our only chance is--
EVERYONE
WHHHHHOOOOOOOOAAAAH!
SFX: The mother of all waves crashes them onto the rocky shore.
EVERYONE
AGH/OUCH/OOF/WOW/YOWZERS/ARGH
SFX: Everyone shivers. They are freezing to death.
MCGRATH
...were you about to say...“for a huge wave to carry us in”?
SKIP
...it seemed desirable...in the abstract...
GLORIA
Well, we’re alive...
BOWDEN
Oh thank God...so is my GoPro!
ZELDA
Are you alright, love?
PAT
Well, uh, I think I broke my ankle.
SKIP
We have to find shelter before--
MISTER DOE
Someone finds you?
SFX: Gasps!
GLORIA
Holy Roald Amundsen! It’s Chet Phillips!
MISTER DOE
Chet Phillips...yes, he might be in here somewhere. Why don’t you just call me...Mr. Doe.
ZELDA
Oh good...he’s brainwashed again.
MCGRATH
C’mon guys...get him...
GLORIA
...sure thing...as soon as I can stand...
MISTER DOE
Well done surviving multiple ballistic missiles. But now I think it’s time for this escapade to--
SFX: The "plop" of a snowball.
MISTER DOE
Did you just hit me with snow?
SKIP
Bullseye.
MISTER DOE
What an odd, unpleasant, wet sensation - UGH!
SFX: PLOP
MCGRATH
Skip, what are you doing?!
SKIP
We’re cornered, freezing, and about to die. But even if Zelda was right about us after all--
SFX: PLOP
MISTER DOE
STOP THAT!
SKIP
-- I’m still going down fighting. And all I have are snowballs, then--
SFX: PLOP/PLOP/PLOP
GLORIA
Then snowballs it be!
SFX: PLOP
BOWDEN
Once more into the breech!
SFX: The whole team joins in throwing snowballs. PLOP! PLOP! PLOP!
MISTER DOE
These games are beneath me GAH THE MELT WENT RIGHT DOWN MY UNDERWEAR.
illing you pitiful meat sacks will be a--
SFX: An electric shock
MISTER DOE
THAT’S NO SNOWBALL!
ATHENA
And you're no Chet!
SFX: Electric shock again. Mister Doe runs off in pain.
ATHENA
And stay gone, if you know what’s good for you!
BOWDEN
Please tell me I got that--YES!
ZELDA
Good lord, Athena O’Brien?!?!
GLORIA
You saved us!?
MCGRATH
And you thought an alien invasion was hard to believe.
ATHENA
You four should come with me, dry up, and get ready for it all to get a billion times weirder.
SKIP
Can someone please carry me? Ugh.
INT. THE SPACE JAMMER (MULDRAKE'S BASE)
SFX: McGrath drags Skip into the space jammer.
MCGRATH
Just a little more...a little more...uggh!
SKIP
So sorry McGrath...
MCGRATH
Skip, next time we come to Antarctica we bring a team of huskies.
SFX: Gloria staggers in, carrying Zelda and dragging Pat.
ZELDA
Ugggghhh
GLORIA (struggling)
I’m fine...really...the Section Chief is helping me practice my deadman’s lift and Pat is a joy to drag!
PAT
You make it a delight.
MACKENZIE
Lemme give you a hand.
GLORIA
Oh, I definitely didn’t get the worst of it.
SFX: Athena enters, carrying Bowden.
BOWDEN
Call...my agent...demand...stunt double.
ATHENA
Shut up, Montcrief.
SFX: She drops him on the floor.
SKIP
Where are we?
ATHENA
Okay, listen up minions!
MCGRATH
Minions?
GLORIA
You expect us to follow your orders?
SKIP
All right, Athena, I don’t know why you saved us, or what you’re doing here, or what was wrong with Chet Phillips, but you’re going to give us answers!
MCGRATH
And maybe some coco?
PAT
You can begin by telling us what you know about Project Black Ink.
MULDRAKE (OVER PA)
Well for starters, you’re standing on it.
SFX: Gasps!
SKIP
Reynard Muldrake!?
ZELDA
Oh no.
MCGRATH
Oh come on.
GLORIA
Is this where they’ve been the whole time?
BOWDEN
This is going to be my Deep Throat! (beat) The, uh, non-naughty one.
MCGRATH
Show yourself, you modulated maniac!
ATHENA
Yeah, good luck on that.
MULDRAKE (OVER PA)
Sorry, Skip. I have no intention of leaving my protected - wait.
SFX: A stone door slides away, and out walks:
CASSANDRA HELSINKI(with the modulator)
OH MY GOD
SFX: She takes the modulator off, revealing her true voice.
CASSANDRA
Is that GILLIAN ANDERSON’S SNOW PARKA? Gimme gimme gimme!
BOWDEN
Get off me! Who is this woman?
PAT
Oh my gosh!
SKIP
CASSANDRA HELSINKI?
MCGRATH
Oh my god OF COURSE she’s Muldrake!
SKIP
Oh my goodness!
MCGRATH
Who else but the paranoid maniac who thinks the aliens are among us?
CASSANDRA
And was I wrong?
GLORIA
If this isn’t proof there this alien thing is overblown I don’t know what is.
CASSANDRA
You all right, Skip? You look a little green around the gills.
SKIP
Oh it’s nothing I’m just trying to come to terms with thirteen different emotions including YOU SENT US TO DIFFUSE RABBIT BOMBS.
CASSANDRA
I had my reasons.
SKIP
SUCH AS?
CASSANDRA
I have been building mathematical models of complex phenomena since I was eight years old. I started to see patterns everywhere. All the missions I sent you on were part of the big picture. And now that you’re here, now that we’re at the very edge of oblivion, it’s time to show you...THE BIG BOARD!
SFX: She pulls down a screen.
BOWDEN
This looks like Kaiser Sose wrote A Beautiful Mind.
PAT
I like the yarn!
CASSANDRA
Hey, it’s perfectly clear if you know what you’re looking for!
ZELDA
I think you should have looked for a prescription for anti-psychotics.
CASSANDRA
Okay, you know what, forget the big board. Here’s the situation: Zeerox, the alien invader, is buried deep in the ice under the Project Black Ink base.
SKIP
You’ve seen this alien burial site?
CASSANDRA
Are you kidding me? I’m not setting foot in that place and getting possessed by an alien intelligence!
GLORIA
This is nonsense!
ATHENA
To be fair, Chet went in there with the Admiral and came out...well...
BOWDEN
He called us “human meat sacks” and seemed not to know what snow was.
MCGRATH
Then why are you living in a fortified radio tower next to an alien graveyard?
CASSANDRA
I BUILT this tower! This entire structure is a huge super-conductive antenna that I designed and built expressly for suppressing telepathic signals. As long as my signal blockers remain operational, Zeerox’s mind can’t reach out to the rest of the world. I call it...the Space Jammer.
SFX: McGrath snickers.
CASSANDRA
What?
BOWDEN
I hope you like getting sued by all the Warner Brothers.
ATHENA
Nerds.
SKIP
Cassandra, what does the Admiral want? To destroy this structure you’ve built?
CASSANDRA
He’d need a megaton detonator to knock this sucker down. No, he’s going straight to the source: he’s going to free Zeerox.
GLORIA
All right, since I’m literally standing in Duchovny’s snow shoes -
CASSANDRA
Are you?
GLORIA
-- let’s indulge this little X-Files episode. What do you mean “free” Zeerox?
CASSANDRA
Zeerox is frozen deep under the ice. The ice crystals are a great natural telepathy blocker. If the Admiral actually digs Zeerox out, their telepathic signal grows magnitudes stronger. Enough to overpower my space jammer. Enough to blanket the entire planet and corrupt every human mind.
MCGRATH
So we have to stop the Admiral before he digs out Squidzilla.
ATHENA
Ok then. Follow me, underlings!
ZELDA
You think we’re going to trust you?
ATHENA
Sure. Our interests are aligned, you have no alternatives, and I need Red Shirts.
SKIP
...we do need all the help we can get, Sectoin Chief.
ZELDA
To do what, exactly?
SKIP
We enter the Black Ink base, deprogram Chet Phillips, and stop the Admiral before he frees this...whatever we want to call it -
MCGRATH (Simultaneously)
Aliens.
BOWDEN (Simultaneously)
Threat.
GLORIA (Simultaneously)
Bullshit.
ZELDA (Simultaneously)
Whatever
SKIP
and prevent it from taking over the world.
CASSANDRA
Remember Skip - the Jammer blocks all signals. You go in, you won’t be able to radio out.
PAT
Also! Sorry to be a bother, but I don’t think I’m going anywhere on this ankle.
ZELDA
Oh my god, sweetie, sit!
PAT
I’m sorry I won’t be able to stick together for our date, hun.
ZELDA
I’m gonna murder Phillips.
PAT
Give him a karate chop for me.
ZELDA (kisses Pat)
I’ll be right back.
ATHENA
Don’t you worry, Patricia, I’ll take good care of the wifey.
SKIP
Athena! I don’t want any unpleasant surprises thanks to you.
ATHENA
C’mon, Skip! Any surprises due to me are invariably pleasant ones.
SFX: The door slides open and someone walks out. The group reacts in disgust.
KRISTATOS
Uhhh ignore me I’m just here using the sauna.
ATHENA
DAD. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WE’VE GOT COMPANY. PANTS ON.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. THE TELEPATHY LAB (LEVEL 1)
SFX: THE CRUNCH OF BOOTS ON ICE, ROPES UNFURLING, PITONS BEING SET
BOWDEN
Someone give me a little more light up ahead, please.
SKIP
There, is that better?
BOWDEN
More, please...
GLORIA
I’ll add in my light...
BOWDEN
Still more...
ZELDA
We have plenty of visibility to the next turn in the ice tunnel.
BOWDEN
Oh, it’s not for seeing, I need depth of field for this next shot -
EVERYONE
Just keep going!
BOWDEN
Orson Welles didn’t have to deal with this, I’d wager...
SKIP
Athena, how far down are we?
ATHENA
About three hundred meters, given how much rope we’ve payed out.
BOWDEN
Sound check. Good. “Into the Ice, the Zeerox Story, take 17”.
(narrating)
It was here, six Olympic swimming pools under the frozen polar cap, that the great weight of our task began to weigh on us...
ZELDA
Really? The missile attack didn’t do it for you?
SKIP
Personally, I feel ALL our missions carry a great deal of weight -
BOWDEN
Ahem. I...don’t know where we’re going, but I do know where we’ve been...that’s not right. I don’t know where we’re going -
SFX: Skip slips
SKIP
We’re going down!
MCGRATH
What?
ZELDA
It’s sloping!
GLORIA
It’s too slippereeeeeee!
ATHENA
This climbing gear SUUUUUUCKS
SFX: They all scream as they slide down and land in a tangled heap on top of each other.
SKIP
I landed on my keys.
ATHENA
Snowball fights, ice slides...it’s like the Idiot Winter Olympics with you people.
GLORIA
Oh my gosh. Look at this room!
SFX: Gloria pushes open a door. The team gasps in awe. The room hums.
INT. THE INNER SANCTUM
SKIP
The inner sanctum of project Black Ink.
BOWDEN (narrating)
Loyal viewers, we’ve gracefully entered what appears to be a secure laboratory on the lowest sub-level. The room is ringed with old punch card computers, and at center, a hydraulic platform next to...
ATHENA
No way! It’s the hypnopods from the cruise ship!
GLORIA
Like the one you put Chet into?
SKIP
And me?
ATHENA
Did that maniac Admiral drag these down here?
SKIP
No...they were the original model! All the plans, the schematics, all the tech he built - it must have been all telepathically transmitted to the Admiral...from this base!
ZELDA
By who? The people who constructed this base are long dead.
SKIP
Look, on the side of the machine... the Haloid Corporation...and the Battelle Memorial Institute.
GLORIA
Those must have been the companies who partnered with the military to develop this technology.
MCGRATH
Battelle’s in Ohio. What’s Haloid?
BOWDEN
Sounds like a breath mint.
SKIP
No, but it...sounds...familiar...
MCGRATH
Are you okay, Skip?
SKIP
I remember when the Admiral strapped me into one of these machines. How he attached the electrodes to my temples...how the wires and suckers felt...like...
MCGRATH
Like what?
SKIP
...like tentacles.
ADMIRAL
An apt analogy, Skip Granger!
SFX: CHAOS! Zelda and Athena CRY OUT as they’re grabbed by the ADMIRAL and MISTER DOE!
ATHENA
Hands off me, you store brand Chet Mix.
MISTER DOE
Chetty’s not home, Trixie.
SKIP
Zelda!
ADMIRAL
Uh uh uh! Not one step closer, Mister Granger, if you value your Section Chief’s life.
GLORIA
Hi-keebah!
SFX: Gloria STRIKES! The Admiral JUST ESCAPES, but - Gloria has the HUMMING CRYSTAL!
GLORIA
Hah! Got your space rock, you deluded alien worshiper!
SKIP
Great work, Gloria!
MCGRATH
You want your connection to your overlord back, right Admiral? If you kill Zelda, you have no more leverage!
ADMIRAL
You know something, Ms. McGrath? You’re absolutely right.
SFX: The Admiral TOSSES ZELDA INTO THE HYPNOPOD!
SKIP
NO!
BOWDEN
Not the pod!
ZELDA (INSIDE THE POD)
Forget about me, Granger -
SFX: The Admiral TURNS ON THE POWER! Zelda CRIES OUT!
ADMIRAL
Mister Doe? Would you very sweetly restrain Athena as well?
ATHENA
I’m gonna murder you Admiral -
MISTER DOE
You seem so angry, Athena. You’ll feel much better when we put Trixie in that little head of yours.
ATHENA
You son of a -ahhH!
SFX: FOOMP. He shuts Athena in a pod.
BOWDEN
What are you doing to Zelda?
SFX: The Admiral and Mr. Doe fire up the pods.
ADMIRAL
Nothing that can’t be undone. Her mind is now connected to the mainframe. You remember how dangerous it was to remove Granger from his pod, don’t you, Ms. McGrath.
MCGRATH
I remember.
SKIP
Disconnect her!
ADMIRAL
You can do it yourself...from the control machine waiting below.
GLORIA
You mean...the wireless machine?
MCGRATH
The one you need to contact and free Zeerox?
ADMIRAL
Many hands make light work! You four will descend into the excavation pit, to help me unearth the Great Machine. Mister Doe will remain topside with the Section Chief and Athena. And should you fail me...we can reduce the Section Chief’s IQ to “clam” level, can’t we, Mister Doe?
MISTER DOE
Absolutely.
SKIP
NO!
MCGRATH
Skip, we can’t help him free that thing.
GLORIA
There’s no “thing” to free! We have to buy time!
BOWDEN
Skip, we can’t go back to Pat without Zelda.
ADMIRAL
Do we have a deal, Agent Granger?
SKIP (bitterly)
...deal.
ADMIRAL
Then let us board the Sacred Platform!
BOWDEN
You mean this modified cherry picker?
ADMIRAL
Step lively now! Push the green button, would you, Mister Granger? Let us descend into the depths!
SFX: Skip pushes the button. The platform STARTS DOWN.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. THE SPACE JAMMER
CASSANDRA
Knit one, purl two. Knit one, purl two. Lady, you were right...this is SATISFYING.
PAT
I know, right? Good thing you had all this yarn for your crazy conspiracy board. More coco?
CASSANDRA
Please.
PAT
(Warm, satisfied sound.)
SFX: An alarm sounds on the Space Jammer control panel.
PAT
What’s that?
CASSANDRA
The base’s signal matrix is changing. I gotta alter the Jammer’s field to compensate.
PAT
I can’t help but notice your OS hasn’t been updated since the 1982 ET Atari game.
CASSANDRA
Updating is exactly how they infiltrate your system!
PAT
Who’s they?
CASSANDRA
They!!
PAT
What changed in the signal?
CASSANDRA
It’s a huge spike. OH GOD!
PAT
Deep breaths. Look at the data. What’s causing it?
CASSANDRA
Well, it’s localized. Sublevel 7. Wait...I think they trapped someone in one of the telepathy machines.
PAT
Who?
CASSANDRA
How would I know?
PAT
Okay, okay. Look for a pattern. Deep breaths.
CASSANDRA
We got high, jagged frequencies. They’re resisting, whoever it is. Huge mental fortitude. Real stubborn streak. Probably someone who doesn’t ask for directions.
PAT
Right. It’s Zelda.
SFX: Pat groans as she gets up to leave on her bad ankle.
CASSANDRA
Where do you think you’re going, lady? You got a broken ankle!
PAT
Frack my ankle. I’m going to save my wife. But I could use help.
CASSANDRA
Forget it! I didn’t survive this long on only one apocalypse bunker. I’m setting the Jammer to maximum and firing up my copter.
PAT
Cassandra, someday you’re going to have to stop running away. You spent a year fighting aliens behind a vocal disguise, it’s time to ask yourself: what would Fox Mulder do?
SFX: Pat leaves. Kristatos enters.
KRISTATOS
Hey Muldrake...your coffee machine is broken.
CASSANDRA
Goddammit.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. THE ICE PIT (Lowest Level)
SFX: The lift continues to whine as they descend.
ADMIRAL
Yes. Down into the icy earth we go. Twenty feet. Forty feet.
MCGRATH
Can we do without the countdown?
BOWDEN
The man likes to hear himself talk, huh? And that’s ME saying that.
GLORIA
It’s overcompensation for being such an insignificant human being.
ADMIRAL
What a team you have, Skip Granger! Seething with resitment. Or is it insecurity? Here at the turning point of history, your bubbling band just seems so...small.
SKIP
...maybe you’re right Admiral. Maybe I am a small person with small friends. But I wouldn’t want to be here with anyone else. And you’re completely alone.
ADMIRAL
To be the pinnacle of human existence is to be alone, Skip Granger.
SFX: Suddenly the whole cave HUMS and GLOWS, a SYMPHONY!
GLORIA
The walls! They’re glowing with chunks of the meteorite!
SKIP
Holy cow...this hole is the impact crater?
BOWDEN
Are those crystals...singing?
ADMIRAL
They shall sing ever louder when we power up...the Telepathy Machine. You can keep my crystal, Agent Kovak, as a souvenir! Ha ha!
SFX: SCHOOMP! The lift comes to a stop.
ADMIRAL
Two hundred feet down! All out!
SKIP
Where are we? All I see is a steel door frozen in the ice.
ADMIRAL
Correct, sir! Time to open it up. So chop chop! Hand around the ice picks, that’s right! To work!
MCGRATH
You’re that excited, but you’re just gonna hang around and watch?
ADMIRAL
I’m management! Now pick! Pick!
SFX: The team starts picking.
SKIP
Is Zeerox behind this door?
ADMIRAL
Ha ha. No, no, Mr. Granger.
MCGRATH
Cassandra Helsinki said Zeerox was frozen down here.
ADMIRAL
And from what I understand, Cassandra Helsinki also believes Arrival was a documentary. No, the Wireless Telepathy Machine stands behind that frozen door. With it, we can speak directly through the skin of reality, to free the Great One from beyond space and time!
BOWDEN
Is it me, or are those crystals getting louder and brighter?
MCGRATH
They’re like quartz in a radio, tuning the signal. If we dig this telepathy machine out of the ice -
GLORIA
the crystals will make it powerful enough to reach every mind on earth! Aliens or not, we can’t let the Admiral have that kind of power.
SKIP
Then it’s up to us to make sure it doesn’t happen - watch out!
SFX: They leap back as the heavy door CLATTERS to the ground!
ADMIRAL
How very efficient! You’ve opened the vault already! Behold...
GLORIA
AAAH!
BOWDEN
Gloria, what’s wrong?
GLORIA
It’s...a man!
MCGRATH
What?
GLORIA
It’s another pod...and there’s...an old man in there!
ADMIRAL
Yes! Just as I suspected!
MCGRATH
Oh my god, he’s...hooked into... Jesus, Skip. It’s the telepathy machine.
SFX: Now the humming and whirring of the MODEL Z can be heard. It sounds very analog.
ADMIRAL
Ladies and gentlemen...the Model Z! Strengthened by the crystals, it is the most powerful wireless telepathy machine ever constructed by human hands! It is a transmitter! It is a radio for talking to God!
GLORIA
I...I don’t believe in your god.
ADMIRAL
It doesn’t matter, Ms. Kovak. Once we reach out to the nether dimensions, you will behold the Great One with your own senses.
SKIP
McGrath, what’s this man doing here? Can we get him out?
MCGRATH
He looks like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix. He’s being fed intravenously - I think the Model Z is keeping him alive.
BOWDEN
Then he’s been down here for seventy years!
SFX: Everyone SCREAMS!
SKIP
His eyes opened!
MCGRATH
Okay I am officially FREAKING OUT.
BOWDEN
Get him out of there!
GLORIA
No, he’ll never survive the exposure!
ADMIRAL
That’s not really my problem. Open sesame!
SFX: Amidst their protests, the Admiral pops open the pod! Noxious liquid seeps across the floor, and THE SUBJECT collapses to the ground.
GLORIA
Sir! Are you okay?
THE SUBJECT
I’m awake! I’m alive! Say, doll, what day is it?
GLORIA
Friday.
THE SUBJECT
Hot dog!
MCGRATH
It’s a Friday in the year 2022.
THE SUBJECT
2022?!? Good night!
SKIP
Sir, were you a subject of the Project Black Ink experiment?
THE SUBJECT
You bet yer bottom dollar, ace. Corporal Tad Valerian, Army Signal Corps, at your service.
MCGRATH
Well. That’s an insane coincidence.
SKIP
Sir! What was the last thing you remember?
THE SUBJECT
Holy Toledo, the Model Z! It snapped its cap, started taking over the minds of everyone in the base, ya catch my drift? Telling em to do things, weird things! They had to bury it in the ice - and me with it!
SFX: As The Subject speaks, a TELETYPE MACHINE can be heard.
BOWDEN
Uh, Skip? The Model Z is printing something.
GLORIA
It’s faint. Hard to read but...I think it’s printing everything the Corporal is saying!
THE SUBJECT
Everything I’m thinking! It knows! It’s in my head, it’s got its wires on me! Get me out of this thing!
SKIP
McGrath!
MCGRATH
Hang in there, buddy, we’ll get you out. You’re gonna be fine -
SFX: The Admiral lunges.
GLORIA
Watch out he’s got an ice pick!
ADMIRAL
HAH!
SFX: The Admiral PLUNGES AN ICE PICK into THE SUBJECT’S CHEST!
SKIP
Corporal! Admiral, you murderer!
ADMIRAL
Oh please, I saved that man from having to catch up on eighteen different superhero franchises.
THE SUBJECT
...you...gotta stop it...you gotta stop...uggghh...
SFX: He dies. The machine prints a little more, then powers down.
GLORIA
You monster.
ADMIRAL
Step away, now!
MCGRATH
We’re stepping, we’re stepping.
BOWDEN
Easy does it.
SKIP
The Model Z...it shut down. The Corporal’s body was powering the machine. Why did you kill him?
ADMIRAL
He was far too old and used up! Not enough power for our needs. I will supply it with a fresh subject...
MCGRATH
To be a new battery?
ADMIRAL
Step away from the Model Z, Skip Granger. I won’t ask again.
SKIP
The machine...
SFX: Skip rips the paper from the printer.
SKIP
...it printed the corporal’s final thoughts.
ADMIRAL
Fascinating...the final warning of a man connected to the machine...to the Great Beyond!
SFX: Skip tears the piece of paper off the printer.
MCGRATH
Skip? What it is? What does it say?
SKIP
It says...beware of...
SFX: Skip begins to laugh uncontrollably, maniacally.
MCGRATH (really worried)
Skip are you okay? SKIP?
ADMIRAL
HE UNDERSTANDS!
GLORIA
Skip, please, talk to us!
BOWDEN
What's wrong?
MCGRATH
He won’t stop laughing!
ADMIRAL
It is clarity! He has seen a message of pure truth!
SKIP
Yes. I have!
ADMIRAL
And what is the message, Skip Granger?
SKIP
It...says...beware of "Xerox"!
ADMIRAL
YES! ZEEROX THE EVER-LIVING!
SKIP
NO! XEROX...THE PHOTOCOPIER!
SFX: Skip LAUGHS AND LAUGHS.
ADMIRAL
What?
GLORIA AND BOWDEN
What?
MCGRATH
What do you mean?
SKIP
It’s etched here on the teletype, too! Look - the Xerox Model Z Telepathy Machine and File System!
MCGRATH
Are you kidding me?
ADMIRAL
That’s...not possible -
MCGRATH (laughing)
Oh my god! You’re right! Right here, “X-E-R-O-X Model Z”!
ADMIRAL
It’s a mistake! Or a joke -
SKIP
Wait! Haloid and Battelle! Now I remember! The Haloid Corporation and the Battelle Memorial Institute funded the first photocopying machines - in fact, their first photocopier - was called the “Model A”!
ADMIRAL
Lies!
MCGRATH
So wait, they built photocopiers, and then got into telepathy machines?
GLORIA
They wouldn’t have been the only companies working with the military on scientific projects.
SKIP
The inventor of xerography was actually a known proponent of psychic research! I should have put this together long ago!
ADMIRAL
It doesn’t matter! These companies reached out and touched an superior mind -
GLORIA
Don’t you get it? THERE IS NO ALIEN NAMED ZEEROX. There never was!
ADMIRAL
Impertinence! I received holy psychic messages -
MCGRATH
Yeah, from Grandad Valerian! He was plugged into it the Model Z, and barely conscious -
BOWDEN
Oh wait! He had those cables and suckers all over him - he sent you mental images, and you saw tentacles!
MCGRATH
And when you picked up that meteorite, the Model Z got so strong, it broke your stupid brain and created that Mr. Doe guy like some split personailty. The same way it freaked out back in the 40s and broke everyone in this bases's brains trying to enslave them!
SKIP
Because look - all its service lights are on! This machine has been crying out for help since the 1940s, cannibalizing whatever human brains it could corrupt to service it, because it needed -
(a fit of giggles)
Because its printer...ran out of...BLACK INK!
SFX: The EMF team BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER!
ADMIRAL
STOP LAUGHING! STOP LAUGHING! I COMMAND YOU!
SKIP
Mister Fletcher, you have built a entire religion, murdered countless people, and spent your entire life...trying to CHANGE A TONER CARTRIDGE!
ADMIRAL
NO!
BOWDEN
Could’ve been worse, Admiral! We met a woman a few months back who worshiped a cigarette lighter.
MCGRATH
All right, Gloria, you win the bet, no aliens. Here’s your five bucks.
GLORIA
You take it, Admiral! Put it towards a CMYK cartridge!
ADMIRAL
ENOUGH!
SFX: The Admiral GRABS THE POD CABLES!
SKIP
Watch out everyone!
GLORIA
Get back! He’s got the Model Z cables!
ADMIRAL
Zeerox...must live...their Message must be heard -
SFX: And with a MIGHTY YAWP, the Admiral CONNECTS HIMSELF TO THE MACHINE! HE ROARS IN PAIN AND TRIUMPH!
MCGRATH
Oh shit! He plugged himself into it! It’s powering up again!
SKIP
Shut it down!
MCGRATH
I...ugh!
SFX: There’s a terrible TWANGING in the air.
BOWDEN
...he’s trying to get into our brains -
SKIP
...Gloria start the lift...
GLORIA
...can’t move...
SFX: They GROAN IN DESPAIR as the ADMIRAL BEGINS TO LAUGH!...
INT. INNER SANCTUM - CONTINUOUS
MISTER DOE
He’s done it. He’s done it! No one can stop us now -
SFX: The door creeks open.
PAT
Hello, Agent Phillips!
MISTER DOE
You. Have you come for your woman? You think you can fight me with a broken ankle?
PAT
Have you tried that ice slide coming in here? So fun.
MISTER DOE
You will soon feel Zeerox’s cold embrace. I can feel the power! I can feel Zeerox coming!
ATHENA
Did you feel this coming?
MISTER DOE
Wh -
SFX: SLAM! Athena kicks open her pod, hitting Mister Doe in the head. Pat and Athena grab him and STUFF HIM INTO THE POD!
MISTER DOE
LET ME OUT! I COMMAND YOU!
ATHENA
Thanks for the distraction, Patricia.
PAT
Not a prob! I’ll get Zelda!
MISTER DOE
RELEASE ME!
ATHENA
Next time, maybe don’t lock somedbody up in a device that she literally spent two years operating. I know how to wipe minds and I know how to bring them back.
MISTER DOE
TRIXIE! DON’T MAKE ME KILL YOU!
ATHENA
Trixie’s not home right now! Sorry...Mister Freaking Doe.
SFX: Athena FIRES UP THE MACHINE! MISTER DOE SCREAMS. Across the room, Pat opens Zelda’s pod.
PAT
Hey you!
ZELDA
Whh...Pat, oh my God! You have to get out of here.
PAT
Yes, WE do. Come on, I’m getting you out of there.
ZELDA
No, you don’t understand, I’m plugged into the signal. I can feel it. I can actually control it with my mind. Watch.
SFX: She grunts a little, and the psyhic signal starts to hum.
PAT
Oh my gosh.
ZELDA
Pat, the Admiral is in the signal, too, somehow - and he’s getting stronger. The team is down there with him right now.
PAT
Athena start the lift controls!
ATHENA
Why should I help those losers -
PAT
Pretty please?
ATHENA
Oh okay, okay, sure.
SFX: Athena goes to the lift
ATHENA
Jeez she’s like magic.
ZELDA
Pat. I’ll buy you all the time I can. Take the team and go.
PAT
You are a stubborn, infuriating woman, and I even saw a computer readout that proved it.
SFX: Pat gets into the pod with Zelda.
ZELDA
Pat, what are you doing?
PAT
Move over, this pod’s a squeeze.
ZELDA
Don’t put that electrode on your -
SFX: Pop! Pat sticks a sucker to her forehead.
PAT
Two minds are better than one.
ZELDA
We’re going to die down here.
PAT
Then at least we’re together. I won’t live apart from you ever again. (She suddenly giggles)
ZELDA
What’s so funny?
PAT
I can hear your thoughts! It’s like you’re in my head - it’s sort of...tingly!
ZELDA
I...(she giggles too) Oh my gosh, it sort of is. It’s amazing.
PAT
It’s love.
ZELDA
These damn restraints. I wish I could hold your hand.
PAT
I know. But it’s kind of like we’re holding brains.
ADMIRAL (OTHER WORLDLY)
Ummm...gross. Would you two women BE QUIET?
ZELDA
NEVER.
PAT
LET’S MAKE SOME NOISE.
ZELDA (SINGING)
MOTHER DIDN’T LOVE ME!
PAT (SINGING)
DADDY LOVED ME TOO MUCH!
ZELDA AND PAT (SINGING)
THE MAN’S GOT ME DOWN! MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM AND PUNCH! I’M A RULE BREAKER, CHAIN SHAKER, BAD MOTHER...
Pat and Zelda keep SINGING as we transition to...
INT. THE ICE PIT - CONTINUOUS
ADMIRAL
STOP! DESIST! UGH! Mighty Zeerox, ANSWER ME! I’ve crossed oceans literal and figurative, spilled blood in service of your all-knowing voice, AND NOW I’VE GOTTA LISTEN TO THIS? Where are you? TALK TO ME!
SFX: Zeerox’s voice is the Admiral’s, deeper, reverberating.
ZEEROX
Admiral...
ADMIRAL
OH WISE ZEEROX! IS IT REALLY YOU?
ZEEROX
Tis I. Zeerox the almighty, Zeerox Hai. Sleeper of Time. Grand Dreamer. Awoken by your devotion.
ADMIRAL
Great one... your voice...
ZEEROX
What of it?
ADMIRAL
It’s... mine.
ZEEROX
Don’t you like this voice?
ADMIRAL
Like it? I LOVE IT! I AM THE GREAT ONE’S VESSEL! HIS CONDUIT! I WILL MANIFEST YOU, MIGHTY ONE! I’M THE MOST IMPORTANT BEING IN THE UNIVERSE!
SFX: Buzz@ Athena arrives in the lift!
ATHENA
Get your ass up, Granger!
SKIP
Athena?!? Thank you! What a perfect time to turn to good.
ATHENA
Let's not get carried away.
BOWDEN
My God, this movie is going to have EVERYTHING.
SFX: Up up up they go.
INT. THE INNER SANCTUM - CONTINUOUS
SFX: A wave of psychic energy follows them up.
ATHENA
What the hell was that?
SKIP
The Admiral plugged himself into the telepathy machine.
GLORIA
We’re clear!
MCGRATH
Cut the lift cables!
SFX: Athena hacks the controls with an ice pick! The lift PLUMMETS INTO THE PIT! A moment of silence.
BOWDEN
Well viewers, the Admiral was forever trapped in an icy pit -
SFX: A huge gust of wind!The Admiral FLIES UP from the pit below, aloft on psychic energy.
SKIP
Oh my chicken and stars! Is he levitating?
MCGRATH
And...golden?
BOWDEN
He’s glowing like a living Oscar statue! It's witchcraft!
MCGRATH
It's aliens!
ATHENA
It's fake, you morons!
ALL BUT ATHENA
What?
ATHENA
He's got a telepathy machine. He's still down in that pit. He's just making you see and hear whatever he wants you to. He can't do anything but screw with your petty little minds.
ADMIRAL
Is that right...Trixie?
SFX: The Admiral unleashes a psychic blast. Athena struggles.
ATHENA
Get out of...my..head...I won’t...URRGGH...
(Now speaking as Ocean Girl)
Oh. How WONDERFUL. My mind feels like a million guppies swimming in a glass bowl.
MCGRATH
Well. That's not great.
BOWDEN
He overwrote her whole personality.
PAT
Skip!
ZELDA
We can’t hold back his psychic signals any longer!
SFX: Admiral blast.
SKIP
Zelda!
SFX: Pat and Zelda moan and then -
ZELDA
Oh, well now, I feel ex-squid-sit!
SKIP
No!
PAT
My hugs are more powerful than a billion Octopi!
ZELDA
Stand down, Agent Granger. That’s an order from your Section Reef! Hahahaha!
SFX: She lunges at Skip. They start to fight.
GLORIA
Stay back, Section Chief! Skip, The Admiral is using the Model Z and turned them into...him!
SKIP
Section Chief, please don’t make us hit you! That’s like 500 different HR violations!
BOWDEN
C’mon McGrath, you must have some tech solution for this!
MCGRATH
Sorry, I left my WMD at home!
SFX: Suddenly a HUGE BLAST RIPS ACROSS THE ROOM AND HITS THE ADMIRAL!
ADMIRAL
WHAAT?
CASSANDRA
I don’t have WMD, but how about WWMD - What Would Mulder Do?
SFX: She HITS HIM AGAIN! The Admiral ROARS in ANGER as the others gather by Cassandra.
SKIP
Cassandra what is that thing?
CASSANDRA
A portable backpack version of the Jammer I whipped up. At close range it’ll keep him contained.
SFX: The mini Jammer starts beeping.
GLORIA
Or maybe not.
MCGRATH
Wait. Turn around.
CASSANDRA
What are you doing?!?
MCGRATH
Hot wiring your psychic weapon.
SKIP
What? Why?
MCGRATH
I just have to reverse the signal burst and it should double in on itself and boom: we have ourselves a crude but very effective EMP.
SKIP
And short out the Model Z forever!
BOWDEN
Hurry up, McGrath!
MCGRATH
And...done! Charge it, Cassandra! Cassandra?
CASSANDRA
Far out, mateys! It’s the end of the world as we know it...and I feel BRINE.
SKIP
Get the EMP off her back!
BOWDEN
Got it!
PAT (Grabbing him)
Bowden!
BOWDEN
McGrath, catch!
MCGRATH
Got it!
SFX: Admiral blast - Bowden.
GLORIA
Bo!
BOWDEN
Gloria, my barnacled beauty! Let me unleash the tidal wave of my love upon you.
SFX: Admiral wave - Gloria.
GLORIA
No. No none of this is real. I can fight it...I can...I can...SEAS the day!
SKIP
No!
ZELDA
All hands to port. Mackenzie McGrath.
SKIP
McGrath turn it on!
MCGRATH
It’s just needs to charge. Hold them off.
SKIP
How do we fight all of our friends?
MCGRATH
Thiss is what all those hours of online gaming in our apartment prepared us for!
BOWDEN
Free yourself from your landlocked troubles, Skip Granger! Join me on this grand aquatic stage!
GLORIA
Mackenzie McGrath. Stop your technological tinkering and testify to the triumph of tsunamis.
MCGRATH
Geez, Gloria, of all the qualities he could give you, he went with alliteration?
ALL ADMIRALS
GLORIOUS!
SFX: As Skip and McGrath try to fight off the Admirals, a pouinding is heard from one of the pods.
ATHENA (OCEAN GIRL)
Chetty! I’ll free you, my beautiful sturgeon general!
SFX: Athena opens Chet’s pod.
ATHENA (OCEAN GIRL)
Oh my poor little puffer fish. Did I hurt you when I supercharged your brain before?
CHET
You? Hurt me? Never, Trixie. I feel like reborn...like a baby whale.
SFX: Ocean Girl coos.
SKIP
It's no use, McGrath, we're outnumbered!
MCGRATH
Just a few more seconds!
SFX: Admiral blast - McGrath
SKIP
McGrath, no!
MCGRATH
No...Skip...take the EMP...before I...THROW MYSELF UPON YOU LIKE THE WAVES OF THE MIGHTY MEDITERRANEAN!
SKIP
McGrath! No! Give. Me. The.
SFX: Skip pulls the EMP from McGrath and staggers back.
SKIP
Haha! I got the EMP! How do I use this EMP, McGrath?
MCGRATH
Ahoy!
SKIP
OH NO.
MCGRATH
Join us, Skip Granger!
ZELDA
We’ll be strong like the mighty tide!
PAT
Cozy as a cadre of catfish.
BOWDEN
The world is our oyster!
GLORIA
Believe in the magnificent power of Zeerox!
MCGRATH
BECOME ONE WITH THE OCEAN!
ADMIRAL
Give in, Granger. There is no one left to save you now!
SFX: The Calvary arrives! Everyone from Phillipe’s sub storms the base.
SANDY BOTTOMS
Sorry we’re late, dear boy, took a wrong turn. Or twenty.
WHITMIRE
Fall in, men. And, er, assorted genders. Eh, spectrum? Can I say that?
LARRY
My God. Is that many flying?
LEGRANGE
You want to fly? Biff, give him a shot of the good stuff.
STUDEBAKER
Sorry, Karol, that golden god has me terrified and weirdly aroused.
SFX: Agent Stevens meows.
PICKLE
Sorry, sorry! But eh...if you want the world, Admiral, you’ll have to go through...the EMF!
ADMIRAL
All right.
SKIP
No!
SFX: The Admiral BLASTS EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM! They all turn into versions of the Admiral.
LARRY
I am the very model of a modern major Admiral.
WHITMIRE
Let's dance!
SKIP
Wait. I don’t understand - why am I still...me?
ADMIRAL
Because I want you to see every second of your ignominious defeat!
CHET
I'll take that, mortal.
SFX: Chet pulls the EMP from Skip's hands.
SKIP
No! The EMP!
ATHENA (OCEAN GIRL)
Oooh, SMASH IT! SMASH IT! SMASH IT!
CHET
Kneel, unbeliever.
ADMIRAL
Kneel before me, Skip Granger! You are the last of your kind!
SKIP
You’re wrong...there will always be those who stand up to people like you...
ADMIRAL
Soon, everyone WILL BE LIKE ME.
ALL ADMIRALS
YES, ALWAYS!
ADMIRAL
Watch your hopes die, Skip Granger! Crush that unholy device, Mister Doe!
CHET
I told you Admiral.
SFX: Chet flips the EMP SWITCH! It WHINES!
ADMIRAL
What?
CHET
My name is Chet Phillips, EMF.
SFX: Chet ACTIVATES THE EMP! The telepathic waves collapse!
ADMIRAL
NOOOOOOOOOO!
SFX: The Admiral's form blinks out of existence. Skip groans - along with everybody else.
CHET
Granger! You okay, little buddy?
SKIP
Agent Phillips...you...you -
SANDY BOTTOMS
Chet Phillips...you have saved the world again!
SFX: Applause!
SKIP
McGrath, Bowden, Gloria! Are you all right?
MCGRATH
My head hasn’t hurt like this since Bowden’s one man “My Fair Lady.”
BOWDEN
Has my brain been permanently altered if I never want to see a gold statue again?
GLORIA
I think we can learn to live with it.
SFX: Bowden and Gloria kiss.
ZELDA
Pat, are you okay? I am so sorry you had to go through this.
PAT
Are you kidding? Zelda, that was the most fun I’ve had since our honeymoon. I love you.
CASSANDRA
Woah. I stopped an alien invasion! Next up, exposing Bigfoot as the secret owner of Bagel Bites!
KRISTATOS (running in)
Athena! Athena, where are you? Oh Athena, wake up, come back to me!
ATHENA
I don’t want to go to school today, dad. Just tell them I'm...on a spaceship.
WHITMIRE
Well, well, well - the infamous O’Briens. Phillips, you’ve delivered in spades.
CHET
Well, I -
WHITMIRE
Places these two under arrest. And get some medical attention for the rest of our so-called agents.
GLORIA
So called?
SKIP
It will be alright, Gloria. We just saved the world.
BOWDEN
I bet they give us a medal for this.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. EMF BRIEFING ROOM - DAY
SFX: The bleeps and bloops of the EMF computers.
WHITMIRE
...and so, this Congressional Medal of Honor, for showing great resourcefulness in the face of deadly adversity, and for saving all of humanity...Agent Skip Granger -
SKIP
Yes sir!
WHITMIRE
Agent Gloria Kovak -
GLORIA
Present!
WHITMIRE
Special Asset Bowden Montcrief -
BOWDEN
I am rather special, yes.
WHITMIRE
and Agent-in-Training Mackenzie McGrath -
MCGRATH
You know it.
WHITMIRE
would like to jointly present this medal to Earth’s greatest hero, Chet, er, uh...Phillips.
SFX: Groans.
CHET (he rehearsed this)
Wow, I...wow. You know, your sixth Medal of Honor means just as much as your first one. I just want to say, Chief, I am so happy to be back home at the good old EMF!
ZELDA
Yup.
CHET
Let’s keep the world safe, team!
WHITMIRE
Speaking of which - I hate to cut things short, folks, but there’s a situation brewing in East Asia that requires delicacy, tactics, and hand grenades.
CHET
My three best subjects.
WHITMIRE
Come along, Chet, we’ll get you up to speed. Ta ta, Zelda!
CHET
Keep up the great work, everybody! The Chetster is back! (sotto voce) Seriously, thanks.
SFX: The door closes.
ZELDA
I’m...I’m sorry folks. Skip I...I want you to know I’m happy to eat my words. You all saved the world. I’ve never been prouder of any team in my command.
MCGRATH
I’d like to just savor that for a moment.
SKIP
That did feel good, right?
BOWDEN
I think a celebratory pizza is in order.
GLORIA
Yeah they really didn’t have top notch pizza at Concordia Station, did they?
SKIP
Go wild! Put it on the company credit card!
MCGRATH
In that case I’d like to request several dozen toppings.
ZELDA
You’re...all taking this rather well.
GLORIA
Chief, the man I love, my best friends and I just saved the world together. And you’re paying me thirty six thousand dollars a year plus benefits to do it.
MCGRATH
You told me the pay was competitive!
GLORIA
I didn't say against what.
BOWDEN
Zelda, as the person here most invested in awards, let me speak for us all and say...Chet Phillips can have it.
SKIP
It’s good this way. It’s better this way. There’s nowhere else any of us would rather be.
ZELDA
Well...if that’s how you really feel...then I have one more thing to tell you that you might not want to hear.
MCGRATH
Bring it.
ZELDA
I received...intel...that a children’s theater in Poughkeepsie, New York has been suspected of harboring a famed assassin who goes by the name of “The Child Star”.
GLORIA (agog)
Do we get to go to POUGHKEEPSIE?
BOWDEN
You know I once starred in a gritty reboot of The Odd Couple in Poughkeepsie -
MCGRATH
Zelda will you turn on the slide projector before I strangle this bozo?
ZELDA
Skip? Should I bring in the dossier and we can all discuss this over pizza?
SKIP
Mission...accepted!
MUSIC: END THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, John Dowgin and Paige Klaniecki, and directed by Pete Barry.
It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jill Ivey as Cassandra Helsinki with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Mr. Doe, Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice, and Bob Killion as The Admiral
Guest starring Karen Yang as Dr. Karol Legrange, John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker, Shannon Perry as Dr. Hermonie Pickle, J. Michael DeAngelis as Larry Hastings, Tage Das as Phillipe Saint-Renior, Eric Perry as Whitmire, Dave Serfass as Sandy Bottoms, Pete Barry as Kristatos O'Brien, Natty Leach as Valerian, Eric Werner as Balthazar Montcrief, Rebecca Serfass as Lucky and Sarah Rhea Werner as Pat
Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry
Thank you for supporting us this season. We'll be taking a hiatus, but we'll be back with behind-the-scenes and bonus content throughout the break. Who knows, perhaps I'll even do a revealing special about my life as the Mission Voice - you know, the man behind the voice, the story behind the man. Real Oscar bait. And if you believe that, I have some BitCoin to sell you.
This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2022 Extraordinary Missions Limited. Mission Rejected will return later this year.
MUSIC FADES.
INT. EMF SUPERMAX LEVEL
SFX: Lucky and Balthazar play cards in supermax.
LUCKY
Uno!
BALTHAZAR
Bah! Curse you, Draw Four Wild!
LUCKY
And I win!
BALTHAZAR
Ugh. Lessmacher, now that we know the world isn’t coming to an end, we’re going to need something to relieve the monotony of our ill-defined prison sentences.
SFX: The cell door opens.
LUCKY
Boss!
ATHENA
Ugh. Lucky.
BALTHAZAR
Oh, god.
KRISTATOS
Oh wonderful. Reunited in supermax prison with the most obnoxious Montcrief.
LUCKY
Oh boss, ain’t I glad to see you!
CHET
Back away from the bars, Lucky.
LUCKY
You’re in big trouble now, Chet Phillips! Now that the mastermind is here!
CHET
All right, all right, alla you quiet down. In you go, old man. You too, darlin’. And for what it’s worth...thanks for putting my head right again.
ATHENA
I guess you owe me one.
CHET
I’d say we’re pretty even at this point.
ATHENA
You know this place’ll never hold me.
CHET
...that’s my girl.
BALTHAZAR
Ugh! Well, at least we finally have enough players for a REAL game. Who’s for Settlers of Catan?
CHET
Have fun.
ATHENA
See you, ‘round, Mr. Doe.
CHET
Oh no. Mister Doe is gone for good.
SFX: He walks away, closing the steel door behind him.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Well well! You have quite the poker face, Mister Doe.
CHET
You’re not real. You’re just some remnant of his personality. Mister Doe is erased, the Admiral is dead, so shut up, and get out of my head.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
But it’s so comfortable in here! Don’t worry, Mister Doe! This will be our secret.
SFX: The Admiral LAUGHS AND LAUGHS! Chet grumbles in rage.
MUSIC: STINGER
-END OF SEASON THREE-