Season Three, Episode Seven: “CASINO ROYALE WITH CHEESE”
TRANSCRIPT
INT. - UNKNOWN LOCATION
ADMIRAL
All within range of my stentorian speech, take heed of my warning and solace in my pity. You are to bear witness to the birth a new age, the dawn of an evolved sun, the opening of a gate beyond mortality into eternal peace and servitude. My decades long search to free the rightful overlord of all reality has led me here, to this place of ice and dreams. And it is here that I will free the mighty one from his frozen tomb and usher in the next phase of human destiny: fealty to LORD ZEEROX!
SFX - A LONG PAUSE. AND THEN...
BEN AND JERRY’S EMPLOYEE
So... do you want to go on the whole tour, sir, or just see the Ben & Jerry’s tasting room?
ADMIRAL
Well. That depends, where do you keep the Old Gods in this facility?
BEN AND JERRY’S EMPLOYEE
I think we’re out. But I’ve got eight cases of Chunky Monkey I’ve been told I have to move.
ADMIRAL
Very well. By the way, are you Ben or Jerry?
BEN AND JERRY’S EMPLOYEE
That’s not how this...
ADMIRAL
Anywho, let me pitch you something: ‘Crustacean Crackle’! Chunks of crab blended with chocolate ice cream, sea salt, and kelp!
SFX - WE HEAR THE BUZZING OF A FLY. AS IT DRAWS NEARER WE REALIZE IT’S A VOICE, PLAYING AT HIGH SPEED
MISTER DOE
(voice altered/sped up)
--crystal--stay close to th--crysta-
-pick up the crystal--
ADMIRAL
Forgive me, good sir, another dimension beckons. Now, where did I put that crystal... there’s my sextant... my monofin... my copy of Eat Pray Love... AH! Neptune’s Crystal!
SFX - AS SOON AS THE ADMIRAL HAS THE CRYSTAL IN HAND, MISTER DOE BECOMES CLEAR.
OCEAN GIRL
Admiral! It is you!
ADMIRAL
Trixie! My dearest confidante, first mate, and accomplice!
BEN AND JERRY’S EMPLOYEE
Umm... is someone else here? Cause I can give you a deal on two cases of Chunky Monkey if you--
OCEAN GIRL
Oh Admiral, I just know you’re going to be the man to free the Great One from his icy confines. But you need to remember what we’ve told you!
ADMIRAL
My mind is a robust refuge of remembrance! I haven’t forgotten anything since I misplaced my Betamax remote in nineteen--
MISTER DOE
Then why did you put down the crystal, Admiral?
ADMIRAL
Mister Doe! Why, it’s a veritable Emissary of Zeerox convention up in this hizzy!
OCEAN GIRL
Just answer, Admiral.
MISTER DOE
Where should the crystal be? Always? At all times?
ADMIRAL
On my person.
MISTER DOE
Then why did you leave it in your satchel?
ADMIRAL
Ah! I placed it there for safe keeping when I retrieved my list of Zeerox-themed ice cream flavors!
MISTER DOE
(Feigns laughter)
ADMIRAL
See here; Chunky Mackerel! That’s Bluefish fillets blended into Rocky Road, topped with Oreos, M&Ms, and off-label Codeine tablets!
MISTER DOE
I’m about to repeat myself. You’d be wise not to push me to such drastic action again. Neptune’s Crystal amplifies Zeerox’s voice. It is why, when you hold it, his emissaries may appear to you.
ADMIRAL
Yes, even now I feel a deep, bone shivering coldness, and hear his voice through your being--
SFX - THERE’S A CACOPHONY OF VOICES, SO MANY OF THEM MUMBLING SOFTLY AND OVER ONE ANOTHER, ONE WORD OVER AND OVER ‘CONCORD’
ADMIRAL
‘CONCORD’ HE TELLS ME! And so I have come here, to New Hampshire--
OCEAN GIRL
This is Vermont.
ADMIRAL
A distinction I admit I don’t fully grasp! But I believe this word, coupled with the sensation of endless cold I feel when communing with Zeerox, means I am to find him in this cradle of cooled confection!
OCEAN GIRL
Admiral, you are destined to be the vessel of Zeerox’s resurgence. But destinies go unfulfilled every day. And yours hinges on understanding his call.
MISTER DOE
If we could funnel his words into your consciousness, we would. But were your simple mind to commune directly with the intellect of Zeerox, it would trimplode.
ADMIRAL
Trimplode?
OCEAN GIRL
OH! Your brain would implode, explode, then implode again.
ADMIRAL
Well now, that sounds like eating ice cream!
MISTER DOE
Zeerox is not here. You must reexamine his call and move on from this place. From this Ben and this Jerry and their soft serve symphony of lactic lies.
ADMIRAL
Very well.
OCEAN GIRL
See you soon!
ADMIRAL
Good day, my friends! Be one with the ocean!
BEN AND JERRY’S EMPLOYEE
So... no Chunky Monkey, then?
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world's most secret agents...the backups. Tonight's episode: "Casino Royale with Cheese".
MUSIC FADES.
INT - THE NEW EMF HEADQUARTERS
SFX: The familiar bleeps and bloops of the EMF computers.
SKIP
Seventy-five... seventy-six... What? Only seventy-seven?
(SFX - CLICK)
Requisition seventeen-L, please double the current number of filing cabinets. These might get me through November. And that’s if I take October off. Now, what’s the file folder situation...manila... blue... red? That’s it?! No green! No purple! No mauve! WHAT??
ZELDA
Skip’s new office is adjacent to mine. How... inevitable.
SKIP
Section Chief, did you know the department has only provided three colors of file folder?
(SFX - CLICK)
Requisition seventeen-M, ten cases of the full range of Smead one inch expansion file folders with reinforced tabs. Two extra cases in mauve and ochre.
ZELDA
I expected I might find you in a... state.
SKIP
Oh, this is no ‘state’. I’m simply analyzing my new office, collating official requisitions to bring it to minimal acceptable standards--
ZELDA
So you’re not at all... agitated by the name that the Department of Defense has, in its infinite wisdom, placed on our new building?
SKIP
(after a beat)
I refuse to allow such petty concerns to interfere with my joy at the EMF’s reinstatement.
ZELDA
You’re just going to channel them into folder color complaints.
SKIP
If repression was good enough for my ancestors, it’s good enough for me! And I’m sure the rest of the team will feel exactly the--
SFX - DOOR SLAMS OPEN
MCGRATH
Who did it! Who! And I don’t just want names. I want addresses, passwords, and daily timetables, because I’m going to plot a revenge so elaborately specific, Gillian Flynn will think I’ve gone too far!
ZELDA
Ah yes, they’re feeling stellar.
SKIP
McGrath, you know I feel the same as you. Minus the blinding desire for Khan Noonian Singh level vengeance, of course.
MCGRATH
No worries, I extract the best revenge when I work alone. Just ask Matt Lauer.
SKIP
But we’re going to focus on the mission, and put out of our minds that fact that we now work at...
MCGRATH
Don’t say it.
ZELDA
Don’t say it.
SKIP
Denying the name only adds to its power.
(beat)
The JJ Prescott Federal Building.
MCGRATH
HEARING IT JUST MAKES ME ANGRIER!
SFX - DOOR OPENS
GLORIA
Guys, I need a minute...
SKIP
Gloria? Are you OK?
MCGRATH
G, sit! You look so pale...
GLORIA
I’m going to describe what I saw in the lobby, and I need you to tell me if I’m losing my mind, because I went swimming in a salt water pool last week and I’ve heard brain amoebas can thrive in--
MCGRATH & SKIP
The statue?
GLORIA
Sweet book of Exodus, it’s real?! Our new building’s lobby features a ten foot tall statue of JJ Prescott?!
MCGRATH
While I appreciate the craftsmanship, I wish they hadn’t perfectly recreated his man bun.
SKIP
Pro-tip, the freight elevator is accessible from the rear service entrance. You can reach this sublevel without seeing the statue, or the display of his bronzed workout resistance bands.
SFX - DOOR OPENS
BOWDEN
OK: back in 2014 I dropped acid on Jason Bateman’s yacht with Billy Eichner and Rita Moreno, so I think what I just saw was a flashback. But down in the lobby...
EVERYONE
The statue?
BOWDEN
Holy Chuck Heston it’s real.
EVERYONE
Service elevator.
BOWDEN
You do God’s work.
SFX - DOOR OPENS
TEX AMARILLO
Hey now, y'all! Who’s holding the pink slip on that big gold feller in the lobby? I got five will get you ten on a prairie dog I can win that sucker out from under you like a longhorn stampeding the Alamo! Yeeeeehaaaw!
BOWDEN
Wait, is this a flashback?
ZELDA
You’re not that lucky, Bowden. It’s my... honor... to introduce you all to Tex Amarillo, EMF associate contractor from Laredo, Texas.
SKIP
Mister Amarillo’s specialty will be essential to our mission’s success.
GLORIA
What specialty is that, rodeo?
BOWDEN
Exaggerating the size of things?
MCGRATH
Voter suppression?
TEX AMARILLO
GAMBLING, BABY! And so y’all know, I don’t truck with the voter suppression, one glorious day the Rio Bravo will run red with the blood of the capitalist oppressors! Yeeeeeehaaaaw!
ZELDA
In the interest of time...
SKIP
Right you are as always, Section Chief... ooh! I didn’t have to say ‘Former’!
ZELDA
You never had to, actually.
SKIP
Team, gather around one of the many technological wonders of the new EMF headquarters: the LZ-9000 3LCD projector! 4K clarity under any lighting at distances up to 50 yards!
SFX - A LOW, DULL HUM
SKIP
Oh. I... suppose it just... hums?
GLORIA
Well, one selling point of modern technology is relative silence...
BOWDEN
Still, it feels... off.
MCGRATH
Skip? Look under my laptop bag.
SKIP
(gasps)
You brought it from the apartment? Well done, Agent-in-Training!
MCGRATH
Welcome home. Fire ‘er up.
SFX - THE OLD SLIDE PROJECTOR.
BOWDEN
What am I looking at here?
GLORIA
A big gray metal box, unless I miss my guess.
SKIP
And if you were driving the rural roads outside Union City, Tennessee, you’d pass this building and think the same thing.
TEX AMARILLO
Looks like one of them warehouses what been cropping up around Dallas Fort Worth, ugly as sin sons of bullfrogs, pocking up the landscape like foot and mouth on a blue ribbon heifer. Plus they exploit the working man something fierce!
ZELDA
You’re from Texas, America, yes?
SKIP
Here’s a closer look, thanks to pictures taken by an EMF surveillance drone yesterday.
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
BOWDEN
This place is called ‘Sanitary Hot Dogs’?
SKIP
Yet what goes on inside is particularly unsanitary.
MCGRATH
Please don’t. If I see a JJ Prescott statue and have hot dogs ruined for me in the same day, I will go full ‘Falling Down’.
SKIP
Unsanitary... in terms of Federal gambling law.
EVERYONE
Oh thank god.
SKIP
This unassuming building houses the largest underground casino in the continental United States. Law enforcement estimates roughly one million dollars changes hands daily inside these gray walls.
BOWDEN
And what, pray tell, does inside look like?
SKIP
No clue. Only those who have ventured within know the interior of Sanitary Hot Dogs. People like this man--
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
GLORIA
Johnny Stompanagre?!
BOWDEN
Of the Chicago Stompanagres?
MCGRATH
Now I’m impressed. He’s been the FBI’s number four Most Wanted since I hacked the list to get my name off of it.
TEX AMARILLO
Heh, y'all come talk to me when he’s on the Texas Rangers most wanted list! We catch our bad guys faster than a hard up two-peckered bull loose during mating season!
BOWDEN
Wait, I’ve got that Sam Shepard audition next week, I should be recording everything this guy says!
SKIP
Yes, this is the Johnny Stompanagre, son of syndicate head Vito Stompanagre. Johnny has worked at his father’s side for a decade and knows as much as anyone alive about the inner workings of organized crime. But unbeknownst to his father, Johnny is a gambling addict who makes the eight hour drive from Chicago to Tennessee whenever possible.
(SFX - Click)
Here’s Stompanagre entering Sanitary Hot Dogs yesterday, where rumor has it he sometimes wagers as much as five hundred thousand dollars on a single hand of baccarat.
BOWDEN
Wouldn’t have expected baccarat to draw the Tennessee crowd.
TEX AMARILLO
And I wouldn’t have expected someone whose job it is to replicate the human experience to be so closed minded about the tastes of his rural countrymen.
BOWDEN
Well.... damn.
MCGRATH
I knew I liked him.
TEX AMARILLO
That's what I call a little teaching opportunity.
GLORIA
You said these pictures are from yesterday?
SKIP
Yes, and Stompanagre has not yet left the casino, which sets everything up for...
Operation Chemin de Fer.
TEX AMARILLO
Y’all put fur on your Charmin? You northeners are kinky.
SKIP
No, Chemin de Fer is a European version of baccarat in which one of player deals while--
TEX AMARILLO
Son? I’ve spent more time in casinos than you have cars. I was just yankin’ yer yankee chain.
BOWDEN
(imitating)
Just yankin’ yer yankee chain...
GLORIA
Bowden! Hush!
TEX AMARILLO
Oh, I don’t mind! Actors come to study my mannerisms at least twice a year. Heck, when that Daniel Day Lewis feller visited, it was two days before I was sure he wasn’t actually me.
BOWDEN
You’ve met Daniel Day-Lewis?
TEX AMARILLO
We like to discuss Trotsky.
BOWDEN
What does he smell like?
SKIP
Ahem. Let’s keep matters professional. If Stompanagre’s on a binge, that spells opportunity. Our mission is to infiltrate Sanitary Hot Dogs and allow Mister Amarillo to do what he does best.
BOWDEN
I’m still a bit hazy on exactly what that is...
ZELDA
Tex Amarillo possesses a singular ability with games of chance. To put it as simply as possible...
TEX AMARILLO
I win, baby!
ZELDA
Er, yes. Somehow, some way, this man never loses.
TEX AMARILLO
THAT'S RIGHT!
MCGRATH
As in ‘Taylor Swift getting back together’ never?
GLORIA
Isn’t that... impossible?
TEX AMARILLO
Unclip that there slide projector carousel, little lady, then spin it like granddaddy done fell down the well, Lassie’s a yappin, and it’s just you and your hand on the turncrank gonna pull him back to the clear blue sky! Yeeeehaaaw!
BOWDEN
Did it record... Yes! ‘Buried Child’ revival, here I come...
MCGRATH
Here’s the spin--
TEX AMARILLO
SLOT THIRTY TWO!
SFX - THE CAROUSEL SPINS AND LANDS ON...
GLORIA
And it lands on... thirty-two!
MCGRATH
Do you like Atlantic City? I mean, as much as one can? Cause we can be there in--
SKIP
Agent-in-Training McGrath...
MCGRATH
(whispers) We’ll talk later.
SKIP
Our mission is to escort Amarillo to the baccarat table, where he’ll bankrupt Stompanagre. We will then convince him, in a moment of desperation, to serve as a double agent, feeding the EMF information on crime syndicates nationwide.
TEX AMARILLO
Hoo doggy, I’m going to whoop Dumb Corleone eighteen ways from a month of Sundays!
ZELDA
While I appreciate the enthusiasm, the newly restored EMF is all of two hours old and our budget is not yet fully approved. That means you’ve got $300,000 to work with, and every cent needs to end up back in our coffers. Some of us have file folder requirements after all.
SKIP
Gloria, you and Amarillo will be undercover as Alfred and Olivia Trentwhacker, the millionaire owners of a tractor factory outside Nashville. You’ll serve as Amarillo’s purse strings, suspending the mission if he’s in danger of losing.
TEX AMARILLO
Little lady, you’re gonna be bored as a Summer Olympics lifeguard!
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
SKIP
Bowden, here’s your cover: Vincent Stompanagre, Johnny’s brother. Vincent is known to be the toughest of the Stompanagre brothers. He’s in charge of family finances, and we’ve hours of wiretaps for you to study his voice.
BOWDEN
Oooh, faking out a sibling... a challenge, but one at which the Montcriefs are adept.
GLORIA
Err... Bowden?
BOWDEN
Yes?
GLORIA
Do you think you’ll be all right with...
BOWDEN
(a little too fast)
With what? Using a man’s fear of his own brother to mislead him, the way my brother managed to get himself drowned while actually trying to kill me, his only brother? OH BROTHER! I’ll be fine, none of these strikingly similar circumstances trigger anything in me at all, not one iota. Not a bit.
SKIP
Ooooo-kay... Vinnie’s presence should terrify Johnny; from what we know, his family has no clue about his gambling. That nervousness should lead to costly mistakes which Amarillo can use to--
TEX AMARILLO
-- run him into the ground like a rented four wheeler on road dog’s weekend!
MCGRATH
Is there a glossary for this mission?
SKIP
Now, Agent-in-Training McGrath...
GLORIA
(aside to McGrath) So exciting!
MCGRATH
It was until he realized he’s always going to address me this way. This had better be good. I’m not hacking the Toby Keith slot machine, am I?
SKIP
While Bowden, Gloria, and Mister Amarillo are in position--you have three objectives.
MCGRATH
A primary goal and two side quests?
SKIP
Indeed.
MCGRATH
You have the gamer’s attention.
SKIP
First. I need you to develop an audio device that can record Stompanagre inside the casino. A traditional bug is too risky, and we may need extra leverage to turn him. Second: gain access to the casino’s security system and track the comings and goings of all the major players.
MCGRATH
Shouldn’t take long to hack what I’m sure will be the technological equivalent of a Babysense video monitor. And objetivo numero tres?
SKIP
While in the security database, identify any other frequent Sanitary Hot Dogs guests whom the EMF may be able to leverage.
MCGRATH
So... a side quest that could lead to a bonus mission?
SKIP
All your life has prepared you for this moment.
MCGRATH
I can’t even be mad.
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC AND NOW WE’RE ON A RURAL ROAD
GLORIA
Boss Hogg, this is Roscoe. We’re approaching the target.
SKIP (OVER COMMS)
Copy that, Roscoe. And remind me not to let the mission specialist pick the codenames ever again.
TEX AMARILLO
JUST SOME GOOD OL BOYS--
SKIP (OVER COMMS)
That’s enough, Daisy! Roscoe, remember: the surveillance drone confirmed the passphrase is ‘Gimme one with the works’.
GLORIA
Fingers crossed that the drone heard that right.
TEX AMARILLO
Young lady, you’re with Tex Amarillo! You could wander into a kennel of rabid pit bulls wearing a t-bone evening dress, you’d walk on out without a scratch!
SFX - DOOR OPENS
BOUNCER
Welcome to Sanitary Hot Dogs. Finest roadside hot dog stand in the state of Tennessee.
TEX AMARILLO
Gimme one with the works!
BOUNCER
Don’t I know you?
GLORIA
Well, I do have one of those faces...
BOUNCER
Not you, miss. Sir, have you ever gambled on a Mississippi Riverboat?
TEX AMARILLO
Why I declare! A riverboat! I suffer from acute seasickness! You ever see that ‘Master and Commander’ movie?
BOUNCER
No...
TEX AMARILLO
Me neither! Four seconds in and I’m greener than Kermit the Frog driving a Tesla!
BOUNCER
All right. Come on through.
SFX - DOORS OPEN - GLORIA AND AMARILLO SLIP THROUGH. THE DOORS CLOSE BEHIND THEM. WE HEAR A LOW HUM...
GLORIA
(softly)
Scanning... no listening devices. That was close, that bouncer almost recognized you!
TEX AMARILLO
Well, I am a figure of renown in dens of inequity both legitimate and less so across this great land. But don’t you fret, the Amarillo luck always holds out!
SFX - A HUM
GLORIA
Wait... this isn’t a room, it’s a small elevator! What is this place?
TEX AMARILLO
Missus Trentwhacker, you’re about to be introduced to the ingenuity of American heartland gambling. Whatever you expect to see when these doors open...
SFX - THE ELEVATOR DINGS, AND THE DOORS OPEN... INTO THE SOUNDS OF AN ELEGANT, JAMES BOND STYLE CASINO FLOOR - ROULETTE WHEELS, BLACKJACK DEALERS, LOTS OF VOICES, AND WHAT SOUNDS LIKE ELEGANT MUSIC... BUT THE MUSIC IS A STRING QUARTET ARRANGEMENT OF ‘SWANEE RIVER'
TEX AMARILLO
... both raise and lower your expectations.
GLORIA
Oh. My. Golly. Gee.
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC, BACK TO THE ROADSIDE
GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
Skip, we’re in. You’re not going to believe this place. It’s like Pat Conroy wrote ‘Rounders’.
SKIP
Hold tight, we’re about to our make way inside.
(SFX - CLICK)
Bowden, McGrath, is the device secure?
SFX - BOWDEN AND MCGRATH ARE WHEELING SOMETHING ON A DOLLY
BOWDEN
As secure as it can be... good gravy, McGrath, could you have made it any heavier?
MCGRATH
Oh, is it too bulky? You won’t shut up about your new workout regimen, I figured you could handle it.
BOWDEN
It’s an actor’s workout regimen, none of it’s practical!
SFX - THE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
BOUNCER
Welcome to Sanitary Hot Dogs--
SKIP
Greetings, my good man, we’re the delivery crew from Mason Dixon Gaming Systems, you should be expecting us.
BOUNCER
Hmm. Don’t recall seeing a delivery on the schedule...
MCGRATH
Well, it’s on ours: ten-thirty AM dropoff of the new Lynyrd Skynyrd machine, the ‘Slot Home Alabama’. Lemme open the packing...
SFX - A ZIPPER OPENS UP
BOUNCER
(gasps)
That’s a work of art is what that is!
BOWDEN
Oh, it’s nuthin’ fancy.
BOUNCER
You roll that beauty right on in. Put it in area six, between the Conway Twitty wheel of fortune and the Kenny Rogers commemorative coin dispenser!
SFX - THE TEAM WHEELS THE DOLLY INTO THE SAME SMALL ELEVATOR GLORIA AND AMARILLO TOOK EARLIER
SKIP
And we’re clear. McGrath, will the recording device work if we put it where they asked?
MCGRATH
I just need to angle it towards the baccarat table, the parabolic will pick up any voice in range. Filtering Chicago out from Tennessee should be as easy as tricking Bowden into pushing a dolly with extra lead weights in the frame.
BOWDEN
I would be angrier but it was unquestionably the best leg workout I’ve had in months.
SKIP
Bowden, time to do as the musical suggests... and Be Italian.
SFX: SNAPFACE SOUND.
Bowden clears his throat and then becomes...
VINCENT
Hey, Skip, youze was right. All those wiretaps really helped me nail this voice.
MCGRATH
Ugh. What is this, ‘Broad Stereotype Week’ at UCB?
BOWDEN
Oh, I gave up my UCB classes. I only made three movies last year, I can’t afford those prices.
SKIP
Gloria warned us we’re in for quite a sight once these doors open. So poker faces on and remember, from this moment, nothing shocks us.
SFX - DING! THE DOORS OPEN AND AGAIN, THE MUSIC AND SOUND WE HEARD WHEN GLORIA AND TEX FIRST CAME IN
SKIP
OK. Scratch that - from THIS moment.
BOWDEN
Look at all the rhinestone tuxedoes!
MCGRATH
And the ballgowns. They’ve bedazzled the dixie out of this place!
SOUTHERN WAITER
Hor’s d’ouvres, ladies and--
SKIP
Er, well...
MCGRATH
Lay em on me, friend.
SOUTHERN WAITER
Coca-cola glazed wings, fried green tomatoes, or hush puppies?
MCGRATH
Yes please.
(nom nom sounds)
SOUTHERN WAITER
Oh. You're taking all of them.
MCGRATH
I think for this mission to really work we need a long-term stakeout. Couple of months probably--
BOWDEN
Wait... that looks like a craps table but it’s not it’s...
SOUTHERN GAMBLER 1
Croupier, I did it! One peg left!
SOUTHERN DEALER 1
Checking... congratulations! One peg left! Jackpot right here!
SFX - CHEERS
MCGRATH
They’re gambling on the Cracker Barrel peg board game! And dammit, now I want Cracker Barrel!
SOUTHERN DEALER 2
Nice shot! Blue team wins!
SFX - CHEERS
BOWDEN
Those people are wagering on cornhole! With diamond encrusted boards!
SKIP
And velvet potpourri bags!
SOUTHERN DEALER 2
Yahtzee! Pot goes to player 3!
MCGRATH
I was only joking about a Toby Keith slot machine but there’s one.
SKIP
Next to a Garth Brooks machine, a Brad Paisley, a Tanya Tucker...
BOWDEN
A David Alan Coe slot machine? What’s that symbol? It’s not a bar, it’s... OH GOD KEEP MOVING!
SKIP
McGrath, here’s where we’ve been asked to put the new slot machine.
MCGRATH
No problem. And I see Gloria at what must be the baccarat table, we’re in business.
BOWDEN
Now we just have to hope this Snapface is good enough to convince Johnny that I’m actually--
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Hey Vinny!
VINCENT
AAAY brother Johnny! Whuzgoinon you stoonad!
BOWDEN
(soft)
He doesn’t seem thrown to see me!
SKIP
(soft)
We’re committed now, run with it and see what happens!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Come on over here, I got a run going at buck-a-rat!
VINCENT
Fuhgedaboudit, I’ll be right there, keep your panties out of bunches!
BOWDEN
(softly)
Did he say baccarat, or...
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
Welcome to Sanitary Hot Dogs’ famous Buck-A-Rat table! Next round in one minute!
TEX AMARILLO
Ten dollars! I just need ten more dollars and I can--
GLORIA
Listen to yourself! You have a real problem!
TEX AMARILLO
My only problem is that Chicago gangster keeps beating me six ways to Sunday on this here poor excuse for a game!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Hey losers, how’s it hangin’ youse miss meeze whilez I been gone?
TEX AMARILLO
Been fixin to win my money back, Mister Deep Dish!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Keep on dreamin’, Yellow Rose, I gots my extra good luck charm right here, dis is my brother Vinny!
VINCENT
Heys, how’s it hanging here, y’all baciagaloops and... what nots...
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
Thirty seconds, any bets not on the table in thirty seconds are void!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
(softer)
Hey, eh, dese friends of yours, are these two... you knows?
VINCENT
Uh... yeah, yeah, sure... I mean, you knows.
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Heh, yeah I knows.
VINCENT
Heh. Yeah. Youze knows...
TEX AMARILLO
All right, gimme number seven!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Number seven! Maddona Mia, he’s out of his gourd!
TEX AMARILLO
And soon you’ll be out of your... your... durn it to hell, I’m so worked up I’ve run out of colorful down home metaphors!
GLORIA
Um, honey, seven? Are you sure? Why not try number eleven...
TEX AMARILLO
It’s lucky number seven this time around or my name isn’t Ama--
GLORIA
TRENTWHACKER!
TEX AMARILLO
---uhh-rentwhacker! Yes’m! Hoo that was a close one...
VINCENT STOMPANAGRE
Ayy, Johnny, gimme a minute here, I needs to step away from the table and eh, commiserate with my two colleagues...
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Commiserate away, I’m on a roll!
VINCENT STOMPANAGRE
Ay youze two, join me over here by the life size statue of Willy Nelson...
GLORIA
Excuse me, hubby, I’m going to go step away to the powder room...
TEX AMARILLO
Just leave the money, I'll be fine.
SKIP
(softly)
Good call, Bowden, a team meeting is definitely in order!
BOWDEN
(softly)
I’ll say, this plan is off the rails.
MCGRATH
(softly)
I’m not sure there are rails.
GLORIA
(softly)
OK, let’s talk quick, before Johnny spots us! As you may have noticed, this game isn’t baccarat,
it’s--
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
Time to BUCK-A-RAT, people!
SFX - MUFFLED CHEERS
GLORIA
(softly)
--it’s everything we should have expected from a casino behind a hot dog stand! Buck-A-Rat involves betting on which rats can find their way through a maze. And apparently it’s the one game Tex Amarillo can’t win at, he’s already down $50,000!
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
AND SEVEN IS OUT OF THE RACE!
TEX AMARILLO
GOL-DARN-IT, I’LL BE ROASTED LIKE A JULY S’MORE IN AUGUST!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
HEY VINNIE, I WON AGAIN! BADDABING!
BOWDEN
(softly)
Meanwhile, having Vinny in the room has not exactly thrown Johnny off.
GLORIA
(softly) I’m heading back to the table, I’ll try to slow him down until he figures this game out. but he’s already burned through $100,000 of our budget! He could bankrupt the new EMF six hours in!
SKIP
(softly)
Wait; we’ve forgotten our ace in the hole! McGrath’s Lynyrd Skynyrd listening device!
MCGRATH
(softly)
You’re right! And it’s online!
SKIP
(softly)
Let’s listen in on Johnny and see if we can’t find some angle to--
SFX - A ‘CLICK’ AS MCGRATH ACTIVATES HER RECEIVER. BUT ALL IT PICKS UP IS THE HIGH PITCHED SQUEALING OF RATS.
GLORIA
(softly)
Pain!
SKIP
(softly)
Great Ceasar’s Ghost what is that squealing?!
BOWDEN
(softly)
Holy Mariah Carey, make it stop!
SFX - CLICK
MCGRATH
(softly)
Note for future missions that require a listening device. I’ll need to know if that device will eventually be aimed at a table of live rats.
SKIP
(softly)
OK, rethinking rethinking... let’s get your side quest rolling, Agent- in-Training McGrath. If we can get you into the security room, maybe you can find Amarillo some sort of an edge.
MCGRATH
(softly)
Skip, just because I can fix a Battle of the Bands in Austin does not mean I can find you an edge
in rat maze racing!
SKIP
(softly)
We have to try. And we need to think of ways to get Amarillo on his game or knock Johnny off his.
BOWDEN
(softly)
I’ve been in enough gangster movies that I might have an idea for getting under Johnny’s skin.
SFX - MUSICAL TRANSITION BACK TO THE BUCK-A-RAT TABLE
VINCENT
Heeeeeeyze now, maybe slow down with the big bets, bro--
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Slow? Nah, slow is for people fraid of losin’. Which I’m not. Cause I won’t.
VINCENT
Yeah, wells... you’ze better not.
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Hey, whuzzat supposed to mean?
VINCENT
You’ze knows what I mean, I’m talkin’ about... the thing.
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Ay. Whassamattaforyou, eh, we’re not talking about the thing here.
VINCENT
Yeah, cause... you know who was asking about the thing.
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
I don’t know, was somebody askin’ about the thing? North side or south?
VINCENT
Both. And east.
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Hey hey hey the east side don’t care about our business, capisce? I took care uh that last week.
VINCENT
Well... alls I’m saying is the thing is still the thing and if people ask about the thing I better not have to tell ‘em there’s no money for the thing.
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
How... how did you know where I got the money for this run?
VINCENT
A brother always knows. Keep at em, Johnny. Just, you know... don’t lose that money.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION - ELSEWHERE IN THE CASINO, WE STILL HEAR ITS SOUNDS
BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
(softly)
My plan worked! I’ve confirmed that Johnny stole the money he’s gambling with from the thing!
SKIP
He stole Ben Grimm’s money?!
BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
(softly)
What? No! There’s ‘a thing’ with these guys, and Johnny definitely dipped his hand into its till! He got very tense when I brought it up, just like I do whenever anyone asks how I voted for Best Foreign Language film!
SKIP
Keep applying pressure, Boss Hogg out.
BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
(softly)
Ugh, we’ve got to talk about these code names--
SFX - CLICK
MCGRATH
Looking at the closed circuit cameras and how their wiring runs, I’d say that’s the security room.
SKIP
Behind the champagne pong table?
MCGRATH
Yep, to the left of the personalized red solo cup dispenser. If I’m going to slip in undetected, I’ll need a distraction.
SKIP
Ok. Give me five seconds.
SFX - THE AMBIENCE OF THE CASINO GETS A LITTLE LOUDER AND SKIP MOVES INTO THE CENTER OF THE CASINO
SKIP
(to himself)
Ok, Skip. McGrath is counting on you... so no matter how much it hurts, you have to say it like you believe it.
(a beat, then VERY loudly)
I AM NOT FOND OF DOLLY PARTON.
SFX - EVERYTHING STOPS. BOOS AND OUTRAGED SHOUTS RAIN DOWN ON SKIP AS CASINO PATRONS SWARM HIM.
PATRON 1
Don’t like Dolly?! Her Imagination Library has donated millions of books to children five and under!
PATRON 2
That angel has financed college scholarships for entire counties in this state!
PATRON 3
Her efforts to preserve the bald eagle earned her a Partnership Award from the US Fish and Wildlife Service in 2003!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE SECURITY ROOM, WE HEAR THE SHOUTS AND MAYHEM, BUT OVER SECURITY SPEAKERS NOW.
MCGTATH (OVER COMMS)
Emergency! We’ve got a Nine to Five near the Virginia Slims slots!
SECURITY GUY
WHO’S TALKING TRASH ABOUT DOLLY!
SFX - THE SECURITY DETAIL RUSHES OUT AND MCGRATH SLIPS INTO THE SECURITY OFFICE.
MCGRATH
Wow. This is a sophisticated set up. Security cameras, intel files on gamblers updated in real time, and... yes! A historical list of high rollers! Score one for the side quester! Who we got on here... Woody Harrelson, makes sense... Tommy Lee Jones, I can see it... Ron Paul, hell, he probably founded the place... and... ooooh, there’s a name from the past.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE BUCK-A-RAT TABLE.
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
All right everybody, we had a bit of drama there, but the yankee who doesn’t like Dolly Parton has been dealt with. Let’s get back to BUCK- A-RAT!
SFX - CHEERS
GLORIA
(softly) Skip, are you OK?
SKIP (OVER COMMS)
Fine. They’ve put me in the Waylon Jennings detention center, right next to the security office. Did my distraction work?
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
Yep, I hacked their system and installed a back door, now I can get into the casino’s entire network through my phone. Side quest - completed.
SKIP (OVER COMMS)
I expected nothing less from a true Dragonborn. Gloria, how’s the main mission going?
TEX AMARILLO
Come on, missy, up it to fifty, please!
GLORIA
NO! We’ve got five thousand left in our gambling budget, mister, and that is it!
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
That well, huh?
GLORIA
(softly)
This is a stone cold failure, guys, he’s lost $295,000 in two hours!
TEX AMARILLO
We’ve got five grand in the till, we’re not done yet, let it ride on seven!
GLORIA
I’ve been trying to tell you for an hour, stop betting on seven!
TEX AMARILLO
Don't you see? His luck’s got to turn!
GLORIA
It does not! Listen to me. Look at him! His biceps brachii are at least fifteen percent less developed than those of rats two, eight, and fifteen, who have won twelve of the last fifteen races! He’s breathing harder than the others, indicating he may actually be sick, and he’s favoring his left rear haunch which probably means a right gastrochemius tear! You’re betting on a weak, sick, injured rat and you’re taking us down like one too!
TEX AMARILLO
How do you know so much about rats, little lady?
GLORIA
I spent every summer ages two to eighteen on a survivalist compound! I can not only identify any North American rodent, I can prepare it in six different styles with or without a side dish! Now if you want to win our money back, you put five thousand on number eleven right now! Look at the latissimus dorsis on that guy, he could feed a family of five!
TEX AMARILLO
Dealer... five large on 11!
GLORIA
Hell yeah.
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
Aaaaand.... they’re off!
(SFX - BELL)
Number 3 is around the first turn, he’s a sharp cookie but here comes 5 on the inside, 3 is looking confused as he’s turned into a dead end, but HERE COMES 11 out to a BIG lead and it’s NUMBER 11 ACROSS THE FINISH LINE!
TEX AMARILLO
HOO DOGGY You did it, Mrs Trentwhacker!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Even blind rats find turds once in a while, eh Texas?
TEX AMARILLO
And you appear to be done finding yours.
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Tough talk for someone who’s 1 for 20 on the day.
TEX AMARILLO
Day ain’t over yet.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION. WE STILL HEAR THE SOUNDS OF THE CASINO, BUT MUFFLED. A WALKIE TALKIE CLICKS ON
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
Security, we’ve got a problem on the floor, the Johnny Cash slots are playing ‘Man In Black’.
SECURITY GUY
Holy Mother Maybelle Carter, I’ll be right there!
SFX - HE RUNS OFF
MCGRATH
Skip, you in here?
SKIP
McGrath! Over here!
MCGRATH (SFX -CLICK)
That distraction won’t hold them long, let’s get out of here...
SKIP
Please tell me what while I’ve been in here, Tex has started winning?
MCGRATH
No; Gloria has. But that’s not the big news. I went through Sanitary Hots Dogs’ roster of high rollers. And look who’s name I found right near the alphabetical end.
SKIP
Oooooh... oh! Oh, I mean... ooooooh...
MCGRATH
That was quite the emotional journey.
SKIP
Indeed. And at the end of that journey was a plan!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE BUCK-A-RAT TABLE
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
... AND IT’S NUMBER EIGHT, BIG WINNER IS THE LITTLE LADY WITH THE TRACTOR FACTORY!
GLORIA
Woo-hoo, we win again!
TEX AMARILLO
Missy, you’re better at rat pickin’ than a hungry tomcat in heat!
GLORIA
I’m so happy I’m going to ignore the implications of that analogy!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
These yokels are bustin’ up my streak, Vinny!
VINCENT
What’s your bank?
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
I’m just about even...
VINCENT
And you’re gambling with the money for... the thing?
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
(soft)
Quiet, stoonad, dese walls, maybe dey’s gots ears...
VINCENT
Walls don’t matter, I’m thinking about... our friend. Who’s thinking interest.
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Interest?
VINCENT
On the thing.
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Dat’s what you heard?
VINCENT
I hear a lot a things.
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
DEALER. I’m going again. All in!
SFX - MURMURS OF DISBELIEF
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
I don’t know if I can go all in...
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
You’se do what you’s got’s to do to let me go all in, I’m doubling my money and getting outta here’s.
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
I can’t stake that bet without a counter, sir!
BOWDEN
(softly)
I’ve gotten Johnny to go all in! It’s amazing how much a gangster can say without saying anything!
GLORIA
But the dealer won’t take his bet unless someone puts up a comparable one! The house can’t absorb that much risk!
TEX AMARILLO
We haven’t got near enough capital to counter his bet!
MCGRATH
Ahem. You’ve got a one million dollar line of credit with the house.
GLORIA AND TEX
A what?
SKIP
Let’s just say we’ve had an old friend call in a favor.
GLORIA
I don’t believe it--
TEX AMARILLO
I DO! MY LUCK IS BACK! Dealer! We’re in against Mister Giorgio Wanna-Armani over there!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
You sure, you cut-rate cowpoke?
TEX AMARILLO
Surer than sure, Walmart Soprano!
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
LET’S BUCK-A-RAT!
TEX AMARILLO
Pick me out a winner, Gloria.
GLORIA
Okay...Two.
TEX AMARILLO
Two? We haven’t bet on two once in our run!
GLORIA
He’s got the look. And so do you.
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
Dealer, all in on two!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
All in on number twelve!
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
Here we go, ladies and gentlemen, the highest stakes Buck-A-Rat race in the history of the Sanitary Hot Dogs casino! And... they’re off! Twelve’s out to a big lead early, but here comes two on the inside... WAIT! Two takes a wrong turn! He’s into the long dead end!
GLORIA
Oh no!
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
But wait, now twelve has doubled back!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
HEEEYWHATSAMATTAFORYOUNOWTWELVE!
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
Two is trying to make his way back to the main course, while twelve makes a left, then a right, where is he going! Now two and twelve have found their way back to the main line, they’re neck and neck, it’s anybody’s race, but now... well... wait...
SFX - GASPS FROM THE CROWD
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
WHAT ARE THEY DOING!?
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
Well, the two rat and twelve rat appear to be...
MCGRATH
Are they...
SKIP
It’s been a long time since 4H Animal Husbandry but I do know what that is.
GLORIA
Miss McGrath, don’t look. Give them some privacy.
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
WHY ARE THEY DOING IT IN THE MAZE!
VINCENT
Hey. A long day uh racin’ put youze in the mood sometimes.
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
AND NOW TWO IS DONE AND HE’S OFF, BUT TWELVE HAS TO RECUPERATE!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
WHAT DO YOU WANT, TWELVE, A TINY CIGARETTE! GET UP AND RUN!
GLORIA
LOOK AT TWO GO! HE’S ENERGIZED!
TEX AMARILLO
That’s about as fast as I prefer to leave a feller’s bedside myself!
BUCK-A-RAT DEALER
AND TWO IS THE WINNER!
SFX - CHEERS FROM THE CROWD
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
HOLY PACINO I LOST IT ALL!
VINCENT
Hey! Hey brother, wait! Don’t--
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Vinny, what are we gonna tell the orphans!
VINCENT
The..... the who now?
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
The orphans! You know, the thing!
VINCENT
I thought I knew the thing!
SKIP
Mister Stompanagre. I am Agent Skip Granger of the EMF, and--
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Hold on pal-o, I gots more important things to deal with! Three hundred and ninety two kids ain’ts gonna have no roof over dey’re heads tonights!
TEX AMARILLO
What kinda south side sob story are you slingin’, son?
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Why do you think I been drivin’ to Tennessee once a week for six months to friggin' race rats?
GLORIA
Crippling addiction?
BOWDEN
Affection for country music-tinged banter?
MCGRATH
Ooh! The hor’s d’ouvres! Trust me guys, it’s the hor’s d’ouvres.
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
I’ve been tryin’ to win enough to pay the lien on the Grismaldi Orphanage for the Wretched, where Vinnie and I grew up!
ALL
YOU’VE BEEN WHAT?!?!?!
SKIP
Your dossier clearly states you and Vinnie are the sons of Vito Stompanagre!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
Adopted sons! We’ve kept that under wraps, the mob feels blood is thicker than papers. But we grew up at the Grismaldi orphanage, founded by dad’s great great grandmother. She established the first private orphanage in Central Chi-Town!
ALL
The orphanage?
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
She helped raise hundreds of children! She got to see them growing up!
ALL
The orphanage!
JOHNNY STOMPANAGRE
In their eyes she saw all Stompanagres, she--
SKIP
HOLD IT! You expect us to believe you were going to use your winnings to save an orphanage?
MCGRATH
(SFX - TAP TAP TAP)
It’s true. According to Chicago public records, Grismaldi Orphanage for the Wretched is set to be demolished on Friday.
SKIP
Rats!
(SFX - CHITTERING)
No offense, number two.
BOWDEN
Well. This seems to... change things, no?
TEX AMARILLO
I can’t rightly see how knocking down an orphanage is something any proud left wing, guillotine building Texan can willfully partake in. Not even if it’s to build a combination football stadium/skeet range/Beto campaign headquarters/eventual Plaza de Revolution.
GLORIA
Skip? What’s our play?
SKIP
Mister Stompanagre? Let’s you and I chat. Abouts the thing.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. EMF HQ
SKIP
You’re bluffing.
BOWDEN
Be careful, Skip...
SKIP
Her luck has to turn sometimes.
MCGRATH
Just keep overthinking it Skip, that’s what you’re best at.
GLORIA
I’m not sure she’s bluffing, Skip.
SKIP
I am. I’m calling her out.
MCGRATH
A little riverboat gambler got into you in Tennessee, eh Skip?
SKIP
You’re trying to distract me, it won’t work. Do you have any fours?
MCGRATH
GO. FISH.
BOWDEN
OHHHH a bad break!
GLORIA
Ouch, that one stings!
SKIP
HOW DO YOU DO KEEP FOOLING ME?!
MCGRATH
Easy. I’ve met you. Now. Do you have any... sixes?
SKIP
(softly)
Three.
MCGRATH
I’m sorry, a loser says three?
SKIP
TAKE THEM.
MCGRATH
(SFX - PUTTING CARDS DOWN)
And call me the librarian, cause that’s another book.
SFX - EVERYONE REACTS TO MCGRATH’S WIN. SKIP’S PHONE RINGS
SKIP
Yes, Section Chief?
ZELDA (ON PHONE)
Before we begin, Granger, let me remind you I have a Criminology degree and an MBA in Economics--
SKIP
Noted
ZELDA (ON PHONE)
Your mission was a huge success. It’s been six hours and the brass is overjoyed with the leads Stompanagre’s given them...
SKIP
I’ve heard! And I always suspected the money from the Lufthansa heist was still in New York--
ZELDA (ON PHONE)
But I’m struggling to understand how you turned him, when according to your mission report, you returned exactly the allotted $300,000 to the EMF account. Didn’t Amarillo clean Stompanagre out?
SKIP
I’ll fill you in on the details tomorrow. But I learned something, Section Chief. You can’t judge a
book by its cover, or even its first few pages.
GLORIA
Goodreads is reliable though!
SKIP
No, to know what someone’s truly about, you have to make it to the end of their story.
ZELDA (ON PHONE)
Well, I await your full--
SKIP
You see, Section Chief, there’s a worldly wisdom that comes with fieldwork that gives someone like myself a... deeper insight into the human condition than those who sit behind desks day in--
ZELDA (ON PHONE)
--oh, this is still happening, is it?
(to someone else) What’s that?
(back to Skip)
Granger, I have to go, apparently one of Stompanagre’s leads has indirectly exposed a massive money laundering ring going through an orphanage in Chicago. Talk later.
SFX - CLICK.
SKIP
Huh.
MCGRATH
So how’s Z?
SKIP
She’s... um... you know what, how about we get back to--
SFX - A KNOCK ON THE DOOR
GLORIA
I’ll get it...
(SFX - DOOR OPENS)
Well hello, Secretary of Defense Whitmire.
WHITMIRE
Ehh... Good evening, agents. Good to see you all back, err... safe and sound? I presume.
MCGRATH
Sound, yes. But Skip’s never safe around me and a deck of cards.
WHITMIRE
Ehh, speaking of cards, that little matter we spoke about... and the one million line of credit the
casino extended you...wink. Was that out loud?
BOWDEN
It all worked out to perfection.
MCGRATH
Thanks for making the call, high roller number eight-forty-two.
WHITMIRE
So, we... never need to speak of this to anyone? Ever? Especially not the, eh, ex Mrs Secretary of Defense or the lawyers behind her quite excellent alimony agreement?
SKIP
Our lips are sealed, Secretary.
WHITMIRE
Very good. Now, ehh, deal me in and I’ll take time out of my very busy schedule to show you how a senior cabinet secretary lays the smack
down.
MCGRATH
The night is young.
MUSIC: CLOSING CREDITS
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by John Dowgin and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.
It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Mr. Doe, and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice
Also Starring Ashley Banks as Ocean Girl, Jill Ivey as Southern Gambler, and Bob Killion as the Dealer, Security Guy and The Admiral
Guest Starring Benn Iffring as the Ben & Jerry's Employee, Pete Barry as Tex Amarillo, Newt Schottlekotte as the Sanitary Hot Dogs Bouncer, John Dowgin as Vinny, Cecile Gulitano as Casino Waiter, Marnie Warner as Casino Patron, J. Michael DeAngelis as Johnny and Eric Perry as Secretary of Defense Whitmire
Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry.
Have you left us a review on Podcasher, Apple Podcasts or wherever you're listening? Yes, MJ Bailey, we know you have and if I had human emotions, I'd love you for it. Everyone else, be like MJ - leave us a review and make this disembodied voice's heart grow three sizes today.
This has been a Porch Room Production, copyright 2021 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
MUSIC FADES
INT. BEN & JERRY'S
BEN AND JERRY’S EMPLOYEE
And then he just, you know... left. Muttering to himself.
CHET
Muttering or conversing?
BEN AND JERRY’S EMPLOYEE
Is there a difference?
CHET
Son, I’ve been investigating situations like this since before your dad got your mom buzzed on Zimas. If I ask, there’s a difference.
BEN AND JERRY’S EMPLOYEE
I’d say... conversing. With no one.
CHET
Thanks for what passes for your assistance.
BEN AND JERRY’S EMPLOYEE
You’re welcome. Hey, want some Chunky--
SFX - DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
CHET
Mother Goose. Come in Mother Goose...
MULDRAKE (OVER COMMS)
I hope the news isn’t Grimm.
CHET
The Admiral’s alive.
MULDRAKE
DAMMIT.
CHET
And he was here. Apparently, he gravitated to this place because he heard a voice, and it was cold.
MULDRAKE (OVER COMMS)
And... the crystal?
CHET
On his person.
MULDRAKE (OVER COMMS) (SFX - THINGS BREAKING)
DAMMIT DAMMIT! I’m going to radio you a set of coordinates.
CHET
What will I find there?
MULDRAKE (OVER COMMS)
Two million in gold coin, four passports, two knives, a sniper rifle, and my permission to do whatever you must. Kill the Admiral, Chet.
CHET
No.
MULDRAKE (OVER COMMS)
I’m sorry, we must have a bad connection, I thought you said NO.
CHET
No, Muldrake. If that is your real--
MULDRAKE (OVER A MIC)
I think we both know it’s not. My voice is so synthesized it makes Emma Watson’s ‘Belle’ sound like Christina Aguilera. That’s hardly the point.
CHET
You dragged me into this. And I’ve been wandering New England for two weeks on the trail of this nautical head case. Before I do anything else for you, you’re going to tell me what this is all about.
MULDRAKE
Your old sailing buddy, The Admiral, is looking for something. If he ever finds it... well, not to come across as overdramatic, but it would mean the end. Of everything.
CHET
So you want me to find a crazy man looking for a crazy thing. Not the simplest task. Does our side hold any advantage?
MULDRAKE
Oh yes. The Admiral hasn’t found what he’s looking for. But I have. Agent Phillips... let me tell you everything you never wanted to know about Zeerox.
MUSIC: STINGER