Season Three, Episode Six: “THE HUNT FOR TAUPE NOVEMBER”
TRANSCRIPT

INT. LEGRANGE AUTO REPAIR & PET SUPPLY

SFX: A bell rings as a door opens. Footsteps enter.

SECURITY GUY
Welcome to Legrange Auto Repair & Pet Supply. Can I change your oil or your litter?

SKIP
Ah, maybe on the way out. I’m here to see...the doctor.

SECURITY GUY
Do you have...an appointment?

SKIP
Yes, rescheduled from...last Thursday.

SECURITY GUY
Because of...the rain storm?

SKIP
No. It was raining in Berlin but it was sunny here in...Sacramento.

SECURITY GUY
Impressive.

SKIP
You know, I’ve never worked with such a professional gate keeper before.

SECURITY GUY
Thank you. ROUND TWO.

SFX: The bell over the door again. Dr. Legrange bursts in.

LEGRANGE
Skip! Amazing to see you!

SKIP
Dr. Legrange, please! Don’t use my real name!

LEGRANGE
Oh man. SKIP GRANGER! We got Granger here! Relax, pal-o. There’s nobody here but my security guy.

SECURITY GUY
I have a name, you know.

SKIP
I thought you were running an off- license veterinary clinic.

LEGRANGE
BOY, AM I EVER. Come on, it’s in the back. I can’t wait to show you all the crazy stuff I’m doing!

SECURITY GUY
But he didn’t do round two!

SFX: The back wall slides away and they enter into Legrange’s secret lab. Various animal noises.

SKIP
Dr. Legrange, your message said you had made an important breakthrough.

LEGRANGE
Oh yeah, sure. But I also did this!

SFX: Polly the Deranged Parrot squawks.

POLLY
Squawk! Polly wanna lobotomy. Squawk!

SKIP
I thought you were a chemist, not a geneticist.

LEGRANGE
What can I say? I dabble.

LEX
And she like broke my conditioning?

SKIP
Lex!

LEGRANGE
Oh right! I de-brainwashed her! It’s amazing what the right combination of hit singles and
freesound dot org downloads can do.

SKIP
This is game changing! We could free the world from the Admiral’s control! Dr. Legrange, with Lex’s help, could you convert your deprogramming technique into a broadcast-ready signal?

LEGRANGE
AM, FM, Shortwave, SeriousXM...easy peasy.

SKIP
Great! Lex, could you build a new Model X quantum computer, like the one the Admiral used to brainwash half the planet?

LEX
Like, if I had six months and wasn’t working out of a veterinarian’s office.

SKIP
Do what you can. As quickly as you can. Now excuse me, I’ve got to make a call.

SFX: Skip walks down the hallway, slaps a device on his phone, and makes a call.

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
I told you, you only ever get to call me once for emergencies. I hope this one’s worth it.

SKIP
The endgame is in sight, Muldrake.

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
Ho boy.

SKIP
If you can help us rebuild the Model X, we can send a signal out to deprogram the world! All I need -

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
My resources are not unlimited, Granger. And I seem to recall paying for six hundred thousand dollars worth of destroyed Amazon goods from your last assignment.

SKIP
But -

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
There are catastrophic events on the horizon so stay. On. Target.

SKIP
But isn’t this the moment we’ve been working towards? Reversing the Admiral’s grip on the world?

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
There are bigger fish to fry. Now hang on the line, I’m trusting you with a vital new mission, OK?

MISSION VOICE (ON PHONE)
Good morning, Agent Granger. A black market statuette of the Greek god Neptune has been...

SFX: Skip sighs. Legrange bounds up.

LEGRANGE
Hey bucko, I almost forgot! Did you want to see that other brainwashed guy you brought in?

SKIP
Joe the Plumber? Were you able to clear him as well?

LEGRANGE
Yah, he’s doing great! Look!

SFX: Legrange lets out a long whistle and Joe the Plumber comes bounding into the room. Barking.

JOE
BARK! WOOF! TICKS AND FLEAS! MILKBONE! BEGGIN STRIPS!

SKIP
I thought you said he was doing great!

LEGRANGE
For a Labradoodle he’s doing AMAZING!

SFX: Joe’s barking into...

MUSIC: THEME SONG

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “The Hunt for Taupe November.”

INT. SKIP AND MCGRATH’S APARTMENT

SFX:Skip bustles into his apartment with the Hoopers hot on his heels.

CHET (MR. HOOPER)
...and I know you could use more help on those secret spy missions of yours.

ATHENA (MRS. HOOPER)
He’s so excited, it’s all he talks about anymore.

SKIP
Mr. and Mrs. Hooper, I appreciate your help and discretion, and there’s something urgent I need to discuss with you.

CHET (MR. HOOPER)
We’re ready!

SKIP
I wanted to warn you that...I may be moving out.

CHET (MR. HOOPER)
WHAT?

ATHENA (MRS. HOOPER)
Why?

SKIP
I’m afraid our...roommate situation has become untenable.

ATHENA (MRS. HOOPER)
So...uh...you’ll both be moving out?

SKIP
No no, I’ll go. McGrath doesn’t have anywhere else.

CHET (MR. HOOPER)
How bad could it be? Mrs. Hooper has tried to kill me multiple times and look at us! STAY! You’re
such good friends.

SKIP
She is my best friend and...I need to save that friendship by giving her space.

SFX: Knock knock knock.

MACKENZIE (OUTSIDE)
Let us in Skip.

SKIP
Oh jeez, that’s the team with Sandy Bottoms.

ATHENA (MRS. HOOPER)
Sandy Bottoms!?

SKIP
Yes...why?

CHET (MR. HOOPER)
Oh, uh, we had a dog named Sandy Bottoms.

SKIP
He can’t know you were here! Please, leave by the fire escape!

CHET (MR. HOOPER)
Well wait a minute, son, don’t do anything hasty like push us out the window - AHHH!

SFX: Skip pushes the Hoopers out onto the fire escape, shuts the window, and pulls the blinds.

SKIP
PASS CODES!

MACKENZIE (OUTSIDE)
UGH.

SKIP
How did 007 feel after the earthquake?

BOTTOMS (OUTSIDE)
Shaken, but not stirred.

SFX: Door opens.

SKIP
Come in, everyone! Mister Bottoms, sir!

BOTTOMS
Thank you for sending your team to collect me, Agent. We would have arrived sooner but your...
flatmate...needed to make an urgent pick-up.

SFX: He McGrath a bag and she opens it.

MACKENZIE
Come to mama.

BOWDEN
Is that tahini?

MACKENZIE
Yes. SOMEBODY forgot it in this week’s grocery order.

SKIP
Well, last week, SOMEBODY ELSE forgot my extra plain yogurt.

MACKENZIE
I can’t even wrap my head around how anyone can live with no tahini in the house.

GLORIA
(Low, to Bowden)
Remember when we thought WE had problems?

BOWDEN
(Low, in response)
They’re the Benson and Stabler of the spy world.

SKIP
Are you eating it right out of the jar?

MACKENZIE
(Mouth full) Damn straight.

SKIP
I!...okay. It’s fine. Agent Bottoms, I’ve prepared the briefing on Muldrake’s latest information
about the Admiral’s activity, and I’d like your input.

BOTTOMS
Please.

MACKENZIE
Tahini?

BOTTOMS
No. Thank you.

SFX: Projector on

BOTTOMS
Security?

ZELDA
Dampener on.

SFX: Bleeps and bloops. Projector click.

SKIP
You’re looking at a statue of the god Neptune, carved from meteoric rock, that went missing from the Smithsonian Institute in 1952. Black market art dealers have long sought it, and now the Admiral may be after it.

BOTTOMS
May I suggest a course of action, old chap?

SKIP
I...wow, already? I haven’t even gotten to the plan yet! Very well, Agent Bottoms, what do you
suggest?

SFX: Bottoms unplugs the slide projector.

BOTTOMS
To stop dallying about with this Muldrake character and his ridiculous little outings.

SKIP
Muldrake’s information has proven good time and time again! They knew about the Admiral’s plan to bring down the mountain in Switzerland, they got us access to the Ocean Bureau base in Melloncamp...

BOTTOMS
...and the Swedish rabbits?

SKIP
Were of vital importance. Somehow.

GLORIA
Agent Bottoms, to be fair, we have very few our allies right now.

BOWDEN
And it’s like Skip said, Muldrake has been a team player so far.

BOTTOMS
Then why, Ms. Kovak, Mister Montcrief, would he try to keep you apart by intercepting your messages to each other?

GLORIA
How did you know about that?

BOTTOMS
Surely it’s occurred to you both that if someone made sure your communiqués went astray, there’s only one obvious suspect?

BOWDEN
I always assumed it was Alexis Bledel. She’s always had it in for me.

BOTTOMS
Agent Granger, have you summoned me here to help stop the Admiral, or to help Reynard Muldrake rescue mid- century modern kitsch?

(A tense pause)

SKIP
The projector is yours.

SFX: Projector back on.

BOTTOMS
As you discovered, the Admiral’s Seaside Chat broadcasts can’t be traced to a singular origin point. Whenever we triangulate a location, he’s already gone. However, thanks to the assistance of Zelda’s dear wife Pat and some VERY clandestine work done by a CIA-MI6 joint task force, we’ve narrowed his location down.

SFX: Click.

SKIP
The Mississippi River! You did it!

BOTTOMS
He’s moving upstream. He’ll be just outside Minneapolis-St. Paul in time for tomorrow’s broadcast.

BOWDEN
Ah, the mighty Miss-a-sip. I once spent six months doing an abridged production of Guys & Dolls on a casino boat. The 11:00 show got a little blue.

GLORIA
I doubt The Admiral is on a casino boat.

MACKENZIE
Why not? He was on a goddamn cruise ship last time.

ZELDA
McGrath has a point. The Admiral controls half the world’s population. It can’t be hard for him to
move freely or publicly.

BOTTOMS
There are still enough of us in positions of power to strike against him if he were to...surface,
if you take my meaning.

MACKENZIE
Wait, are you saying...he’s on a SUBMARINE?

BOTTOMS
That’s our working theory, yes.

GLORIA
There aren’t many outlets from the Mississippi that a sub could travel through, particularly near
Minneapolis. Why would he lock himself in?

BOWDEN
Of course! Locks and Dams! Minneapolis is full of them!

SKIP
Did you also have the Boys Big Book of Dams?

BOWDEN
No, I was in “OUT OUT, DAM LOCK”, a fundraiser for the Mississippi River Shakespeare and Dam Appreciation Society. There are 27 locks and dams along the Mississippi keeping the mighty river at bay.

BOTTOMS
Now imagine if all 27 dams, and every levee, lock and retaining wall were to blow at the same time.

ZELDA
There would be a flood of near Biblical proportions.

MACKENZIE
Exactly the sort of scheme the Admiral would pull. Turning the American Midwest into an ocean. I mean what could be more Oceanologist than that?

BOTTOMS
The Admiral has brainwashed a large number of the Army Corps of Engineers who maintain those dams. He need but give the word in one of his Seaside Chats and any soldier under his power could wreak havoc.

GLORIA
Then why hasn’t he done it already?

ZELDA
Maybe he can’t. He controls 50% of the world, not 100%. If we were at a dam control and you tried to blow it up, I’d stop you. He needs something foolproof.

MACKENZIE
Oh my god. You think he’s got another Model X, don’t you? Then he could just broadcast his plan directly into the heads of any receptive person!

BOTTOMS
Correct. Our intelligence tells us that he does have a new and improved Model X - a Model Y, as it were. That is why we need you to pursue and destroy the Admiral’s submarine.

SFX: Gasps!

SKIP
No.

BOTTOMS
Sorry, old chap, did you say...no?

SKIP
We’re not going to destroy the ship. We’re going to board it. We’re going to seize control of this
new device, upload Dr. Legrange’s deprogramming signal into it, and blanket the world with it.

MACKENZIE
Aw, hell yeah! And undo the Admiral’s brainwashing for good!

GLORIA
End his reign of terror!

BOWDEN
And home in time for RuPaul’s Drag Race!

BOTTOMS
Granger, if you fail, the Admiral will flood the Midwest. We must eliminate him now. We can broadcast your deprogramming signal at the appropriate time.

SKIP
We already know it won’t work on a global scale without a quantum computer. And he’s got one on that sub. I can’t let you destroy it. Agent Bottoms, I appreciate your help. But this is the Extraordinary Missions Force. It’s time for us to do something extraordinary.

BOTTOMS
As you wish. To be clear, Granger: my government will be watching you. Once you locate the Admiral, they will take action to sink him. I can only hold them off for an hour at most, so be quick about it.

SKIP
Understood.

BOTTOMS
Is there anything else I can do?

SKIP
Uh...got a submarine you want to lend us?

BOTTOMS
Sorry old chap, not for this plan.

MACKENZIE
Not a problem. I’ll just call Phillipe. He collects submarines.

SKIP
McGrath, you could blow our cover!

MACKENZIE
Oh, and you haven’t talked to Lady Brentwood-Carlson-Higgs or whatever her name is?

SKIP
Tania Martin-Edwards-Bainbridge? UK National Ski Team? Talk? No.

MACKENZIE
The inbox of chickennstars247@ yahoo.com tells a different story.

SKIP
I - let’s not argue.

MACKENZIE
O...kay.

BOTTOMS
I’ll hop a flight home and set wheels in motion.

SFX: Bottoms opens the door to exit.

SKIP
All right team, mission prep time. Let’s review standard naval protocols...

SFX: They all go. Chet and Athena break back in through the window.

CHET
This is a disaster! Granger’s moving out and taking Muldrake and our shot at the Admiral with him! And I couldn’t hear a word of what their plan is!

ATHENA
I’ve got...a contact...who might be able to find out where they’re headed.

CHET
Don’t you bother. Mr. Hooper has an inside man.

SFX: He opens the bathroom door. A flushing noise.

TOILET
Hello, Mr. Hooper.

ATHENA
Granger’s talking toilet?

CHET
I made some special upgrades.

TOILET
I hear everything.

ATHENA
Eww.

CHET
Okay, toilet. Start talking.

INTERIM MUSC

INT. ADMIRAL’S SUB

BALTHAZAR
Thank you, loyal ocean lovers, for tuning in once again for the wit and wisdom of our beloved
leader. Join us again tomorrow for more of that host with the most, the fin with the swim, the
trout with the gout, the geator with the heater, the trucker with -

ADMIRAL
ALRIGHT, THAT’S ENOUGH. SEE YOU NEXT TIME, CHILDREN OF THE OCEAN!

SFX: Transmission stops.

LUCKY
And we’re out.

BALTHAZAR
How dare you! No one cuts off Balthazar Montcrief mid-oration!

ADMIRAL
Balthazar, I think I’d like Lucky to do my introduction tomorrow.

LUCKY
Jeepers!

BALTHAZAR
My talents are being wasted on this beleaguered broadcast. Have you even considered my pitch for a new series: “Balthazar Below Decks”?

ADMIRAL
No. Everyone back to your posts, we have preparations to make!

LUCKY
Aye Aye, Admiral, sir!

BALTHAZAR
I will not endure these constant orders! Do you take me for one of your sailors? Do you think
you’re still captaining your cruise ship?

ADMIRAL
Oh, and Lucky? Make sure the shuffleboard partners are matched up for the tournament this evening!

BALTHAZAR
You...you don’t actually think you’re back on the cruise ship, do you?

ADMIRAL
And have Mister Doe page me on the white courtesy telephone!

LUCKY
Mr...Doe?

ADMIRAL
Yes, we’ve been having spirited afternoon debates all this week! I’ll take tea for two in the state
room, and don’t spare the biscuits, they’re Mr. Doe’s favorites!

SFX: The Admiral walks off.

BALTHAZAR
Lucky, are you starting to get a terrible sense of dread?

LUCKY
YES. But to be fair...I had a rehydrated chalupa for lunch.

MUSIC: Transition

INT. SUBMARINE BAY

SFX: Phillipe walks the gang through his vast sub dock.

MACKENZIE
Thanks for the help, Phillipe.

PHILLIPE
Anything for you, Maggie. Although I must say, travel blogging is more complicated than I thought, if you need a submarine to do it.

MACKENZIE
My friends and I are gonna re-enact a historical submarine battle.

GLORIA
Hi! I’m the friend.

BOWDEN
And I’m the friend’s lover.

ZELDA
And I’m their chaperone.

SKIP
And I’m...the roommate.

PHILLIPE
Maggie, you never told me you had a roommate!

SKIP
Oh...she didn’t?

PHILLIPE
Oh, do not worry, mon frere, we both know Maggie can be quite tight- lipped for a wordsmith, no?

SFX: Cell phone ringing

SKIP
Oh, uh, that’s...my...vet. I have to take this call.

PHILLIPE
Tres bon, let me give the rest of you the grand tour!

BOWDEN
This is quite a collection. Is that THE sub from Down Periscope?

PHILLIPE
Oui oui! You can still smell every once of Kelsey Grammer’s regret.

SFX: They walk off. Skip answers his phone.

SKIP
Doctor Legrange, what’s the matter?

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
The doctor is out.

SKIP
Muldrake? Where’s Legrange?

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
Relax. I mirrored her phone. She’s probably at home, splicing together a Rottweiler and a bottle of Tang.

SKIP
How did you -

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
Why are you not searching for the missing statue?

SKIP
We are trying to stop the Admiral from flooding the entire Midwest! He’s buildng a new Model Y brain scrambling device!

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
I know.

SKIP
Then you cannot tell me to call off this operation to search for stolen artwork!

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
The Model Y can detect any modern computer or radio signal. He’ll spot and torpedo you if you get within a mile of his sub.

SKIP
We’ll come up with something.

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
You don’t see the big picture.

SKIP
Then make me see it!

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
I can’t give you information and risk you running off and telling, oh I don’t know, BRITISH
INTELLIGENCE. You have to trust me!

MACKENZIE (OFF)
Skip!

SKIP
And you have to trust me. Muldrake, I am truly sorry. I know we’re fighting for the same cause, so I can only wish you luck.

MULDRAKE
Don’t do this, Skip. You’ll win the battle and lose the war.

SKIP
We won’t. Because I will never stop fighting.

SFX: He hangs up as McGrath runs over.

MACKENZIE
Skip, don’t get all shirty but...Phillipe is insisting he has to come with us. Which means we all
have to stay undercover.

SKIP
Okay...

MACKENZIE
Also...remember you said I should tell Phillipe I needed a sub for a historical essay?

SKIP
Yes...

MACKENZIE
Well, this is Phillipe's ANTIQUE sub hanger. There’s nothing here newer than the Korean War. Except the sub from SeaQuest DSV.

SKIP
What are our non-fictional choices?

MACKENZIE
The USS Bluegill from WW2, a Korea- era USS Sea Devil, he even somehow got his hands on the U.S.S. Alligator - from the CIVIL war! Which isn’t great if you’re trying to FIGHT A MODERN SUBMARINE!

SKIP
It’s perfect.

MACKENZIE
WHAT?

SKIP
There’s no radios, computers or modern equipment on it?

MACKENZIE
Exactly!

SKIP
So to the Model Y’s sensors...we’ll be invisible.

MACKENZIE
...huh. Pretty slick thinking, Agent Granger. All right, I’ll tell Phillipe -

SKIP
McGrath wait. There wasn’t time earlier but I...I wanted to let you know I’m moving out.

MACKENZIE
Seriously?

SKIP
I’m going to ask Bowden if I can crash with him until I can get myself set up. I’ll pay my share
until you find a new roomie. Or maybe you and Phillipe can -

MACKENZIE
No, no, do not do that -

SKIP
It’s okay, McGrath. I want this for you. For us. You made your feelings on living together clear
and... you’re too important to me. Come on, let’s not keep everyone waiting.

SFX: Skip walks off.

MACKENZIE
YOUR SELFLESSNESS IS SO ANNOYING!

INTERIM MUSIC.

INT. THE U.S.S. ALLIGATOR

SFX: A very antique sub chugs along.

SKIP
U.S.S. Alligator, Captain’s log, August 14th, 2021. We are in hot pursuit of the Admiral’s vessel
along the Mississippi River. All right, science officer, report! What do your instruments say?

MACKENZIE
By “instruments” I assume you mean “looking out the port glass” and they say this river is ninety percent mud.

SKIP
Keep looking.

MACKENZIE
And I think this “port glass” is made of lard-slathered paper.

SKIP
Navigator?

GLORIA
I think we’re nearing the Minnesota border. I’m double-checking my compass and slide-rule.

SKIP
Helm?

ZELDA
Rggghmmph

SKIP
You okay, Chief?

ZELDA
I’M. TRYING. TO. TURN. GAH! There. We just turned...ah...one degree south-south east.

GLORIA
You should probably get an oil can for that steering column.

ZELDA
I should probably have never agreed to helm a vessel that’s driven by a hand-cranked turbine.

MACKENZIE
At least you’re not the one on the hand-crank.

SKIP
Speaking of which... (pulls down a clunky speaking-tube) ...engineering!

BOWDEN (THROUGH THE TUBE)
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I’M HAND- CRANKING AS FAST AS I CAN.

GLORIA
You're doing great, babe!

SKIP
More speed, Bowden!

BOWDEN (THROUGH THE TUBE)
I’M GIVIN HER ALL SHE’S GOT, CAPTAIN, I CANNA GIVE HER NO MORE!

SFX: Door opens.

PHILLIPE
Bonjour!

SKIP
Ah! Military Chef San-Renoir! What are you doing out of the galley?

PHILLIPE
I was just wondering if Maggie wanted to join me for a bit of Roquefort cheese?

SKIP
SHE CAN’T.

MACKENZIE
Sorry, Phillipe. You know how these battle re-enactors get. You just scurry back to the galley and we’ll catch up soon. Leave the cheese plate.

PHILLIPE
But of course.

SFX: He goes.

SKIP
All right, science officer, keep looking for the enemy vessel!

MACKENZIE
There’s catfish all over my port glass!

SKIP
Just tap it!

MACKENZIE
Get off suckers! Okay they’re leaving and OH SHIT HARD RIGHT.

SKIP
Come about thirty degrees!

ZELDA
THIRTY?

SKIP
Here I’ll help!

SFX: They struggle to turn the wheel.

ZELDA
NEXT TIME GET A SUBMARINE WITH POWER STEERING.

MACKENZIE
You’re good!

SKIP
Full stop!

ZELDA
Full stop.

BOWDEN (THROUGH THE TUBE)
THANK GOD.

MACKENZIE
We’re right alongside the Admiral! He doesn’t look like he’s taking defensive action. It worked! He can’t see us!

GLORIA
Time for the away team!

SKIP
Very good. I’ll take myself, Gloria, McGrath -

BOWDEN (running in)
I CALL AWAY TEAM DUTY SOMEONE ELSE CAN TAKE ENGINEERING. NO TAKESIES-BACKSIES BYE!

SKIP
Fine. Zelda, Sandy Bottoms said the British would be watching us. Now, they can’t track the
Alligator in traditional ways...unless they somehow got a tracking device onboard.

ZELDA
I’ll go room by room, deck by deck.

SKIP
We have to operate under the assumption that Bottoms’ warning is true. If you don’t hear from us in an hour...the British are coming.

INT. THE ADMIRAL’S SUBMARINE

SFX: Swabbie Ruk whistles Baby Whale as he cleans.

BALTHAZAR
Swabbie!

SWABBIE RUK
Mister Balthazar, sir!

BALTHAZAR
The Admiral has been...out of sorts. So be a good lad and let me know if you notice anything
unusual.

SWABBIE RUK
Sir, yes, sir! I’ll let you know the second anything unusual happens.

BALTHAZAR
Good man. I’ll be in the tanning salon.

SFX: Balthazar goes off. The sound of a blowtorch burning through the hull.

SWABBIE RUK
Huh. A blowtorch burning through the hull. I wonder if this counts as unusual - AAAAAAAAAAAH!

SFX: BLAMM! The hull bursts inwards, killing Ruk yet again! Chet and Athena leap inside, in diver’s suits.

CHET
Clear! You sure your little barnacle sub is gonna keep the hull intact?

ATHENA
It’s air tight on both ends. What part of me being a genius don’t you grasp?

CHET
Did we really have to wear the Mr. & Mrs. Hooper masks?

ATHENA
Can’t have them recognizing us. At least until we’ve got our hands on the Model Y.

CHET
We? This is my ticket back to the EMF, not to deliver a brainwashing device into your hands.

ATHENA
Woah...hold on! What do I get out of it?

CHET
I look the other way as you sneak out the back door. That’s the deal. Got it?

ATHENA
Yeah...I got another deal in mind.

SFX: Click. Nothing happens.

CHET
Oh, is that the taser device you installed on my wetsuit?

ATHENA
Ah crap.

CHET
When you install a taser, make sure your intended victim doesn’t know about it, darling. Like this!

SFX: Click. BZZZT!

CHET (CONT'D)
WhhAAAAAAAHH!

SFX: Chet collapses to the ground.

ATHENA
Actually, I knew you’d find it, and try to turn the tables, so I reprogrammed yours.

CHET
Dammit!

ATHENA
Thanks for once again letting me look at all your intel for a whole year - but I cut a deal with my contact - Muldrake - to stop Skip Granger’s British-funded EMF mission. I’ll say hi to my dad for you.

SFX: The sound of a blowtorch.

ATHENA (CONT'D)
Wh...is that another blowtorch -

SFX: BLAMMO! The hull caves inwards, knocking Athena unconscious! The EMF jump through the newly formed hole.

GLORIA
Alright, we're clear team! Go!

SKIP
You were right, McGrath, your tahini is keeping the hull perfectly intact!

MACKENZIE
Told ya you can’t survive without this stuff.

GLORIA
Look out Skip!

BOWDEN
There’s someone here!

SKIP
Get ‘em, Gloria!

CHET
NonowaitwaitWAIT! (switching voices) It’s, uh, Mister Hooper!

MACKENZIE
Are you KIDDING ME?

SKIP
Mister Hooper, what on Earth are you doing here?

CHET (MR. HOOPER)
We, uh, we knew this was a dangerous mission in a submarine, so you’d need an expert!

BOWDEN
On what?

CHET (MR. HOOPER)
On...you know...submarines! They’re just like boilers: they use water, they make weird noises, they act up! We got in through their garbage disposal!

ATHENA
uuggghhgod

GLORIA
Freeze!

CHET (MR. HOOPER)
It’s just Mrs. Hooper! Right, Mrs. Hooper?

ATHENA (MRS. HOOPER)
What...uh, yeah! Mrs. Hooper. Totally here for the mission!

GLORIA
Maybe they should wait on the Alligator.

BOWDEN
And have them blabbing to Phillipe about how we’re spies? Bad idea.

SKIP
They’ll have to come with us. To the bridge!

TRANSITION MUSIC.

INT. THE ADMIRAL’S BRIDGE

ADMIRAL
Come about, first mate Lessmacher!

LUCKY
Aye aye, sir!

BALTHAZAR
You know, we could have sent this signal halfway around the world, why did we have to come here?

ADMIRAL
Why I spent my celebrated childhood on these very banks! On the day I was born, I won the trophy for catching the biggest fish in America! I WAS ALSO THE GERBER BABY!

BALTHAZAR (aside)
Is it me, or is he descending even further into mania?

LUCKY (aside)
He’s just happy to be back in his old home town, I guess.

ADMIRAL
Did you know I was born on the hyphen between Minneapolis and Saint Paul?

BALTHAZAR
Yes, that’s another thing - aren’t you the one who’s always slandering landlocked states? You may have noticed that no coast reaches Minnesota.

ADMIRAL
A misfortune which I fully intend to rectify within the hour. A happy side effect to my true
purpose. Isn’t that right, Mr. Doe?

BALTHAZAR (aside)
Look, Lessmacher, I have no love for the middle of this country - I’ve toured with the Fantasticks. But his recklessness is going to be his undoing...and we’ll go with him!

LUCKY (aside)
You think he’s gonna hurt himself?

BALTHAZAR (aside)
Just wait for my signal. We’ll subdue him, and lock him in the brig until he’s no longer
insane.

ADMIRAL
Prepare the Model Y for transmission!

SFX: The Model Y starts to hum as it warms up.

ADMIRAL
Tonight we feast on raw carp! Just like my mother used to regurgitate into my mouth...

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BRIDGE

SKIP
It’s just the Admiral, Balthazar, and Lucky on the bridge!

BOWDEN
And the Model Y is right there!

GLORIA
We’ve got him outnumbered two to one!

CHET (MR. HOOPER)
Great! I’ll go give that Admiral a whack and take care of everything!

ATHENA (MR. HOOPER)
And I’ll get the computer.

CHET (MR. HOOPER)
Yyyno you won’t!

ATHENA (MRS. HOOPER)
Just watch me!!

SKIP
Hoopers! SH! McGrath is going on the bridge to and prep the Model Y to send out the anti brainwashing signal.

MACKENZIE
Is part of saving our friendship getting me killed? What if they catch on to what I’m doing?

SKIP
Give us the signal and we’ll all charge the Admiral, giving you the time you need. Here. Take my
handkerchief.

MACKENZIE
Gross, Skip.

SKIP
It’s my emergency semaphore hanky. It’s clean! Drop it if you need us to attack. We’ve got you.

MACKENZIE
Alright, alright. Let me put on a SnapFace mask so they don’t recognize me.

SFX: Snapface printer.

INT. BRIDGE

BALTHAZAR (aside to Lucky)
All right, this our chance to save your beloved Admiral from himself. Are you in?

LUCKY
We always hurt the ones we love the most.

MACKENZIE
Computer Technician Coral reporting as ordered, sir!

ADMIRAL
Ah, very good, swabbie! Prepare the Model Y!

BALTHAZAR (excited)
Is that swabbie Khloe Kardashian?

ADMIRAL
Is the signal ready to broadcast?

MACKENZIE
Almost, Admiral, sir! It just needs a moment...

ADMIRAL (jovial)
Say, you’re hitting an awful lot of buttons. You wouldn’t be reprogramming my beautiful machine, would you?

MACKENZIE
OH. NO. I’VE DROPPED MY SPECIAL HANDKERCHIEF.

ADMIRAL
Allow me to retrieve it for you...Mackenzie McGrath!

MACKENZIE
BWAH?

ADMIRAL
Swabbies, apprehend the EMF!

SFX: Swabbies swarm and capture Skip and the gang.

BOWDEN
Where were all of you hiding in this tiny hallway?

GLORIA
They WERE the hallway. A classic move. I should have seen it. Emile would be so disappointed.

CHET (MR. HOOPER)
Oh, easy there! My wife and I are just innocent bystanders!

ATHENA (MRS. HOOPER)
We thought this was a Disney cruise. The service here is terrible!

SFX: Shackles.

ADMIRAL
Unlikely, CHET AND ATHENA.

SKIP
CHET AND ATHENA?

ADMIRAL
Guards, shackle them all!

SFX: Shackles.

BALTHAZAR
To think my brother, my own flesh and blood would try and harm your blessed head, Admiral!

ADMIRAL
Nice try, Balthazar, but it takes a traitor to know a traitor. Next time, don’t make your plans in
a STAGE WHISPER. Shackle Montcrief and Lucky as well! Shackles all around!

LUCKY
Forgive me, sir!

SKIP
I don’t understand. How did you know?

ADMIRAL
My water-blessed psychic abilities grow exponentially as we inch ever closer to ground zero of my origin!

ATHENA
Well ask a stupid question.

ADMIRAL
Kneel before me, my failed assassins! My ascension to supreme power is at hand!

SFX: The Admiral LAUGHS...INTO TRANSITION MUSIC...

INT. U.S.S. ALLIGATOR

ZELDA
That’s it, I’ve looked everywhere. If there’s a tracker on this rust bucket, it’s well hidden.

PHILLIPE
What is hidden?

ZELDA
Oh Jesus. You scared me. What are you doing out of the galley?

PHILLIPE
I have wood-stove omelettes! Pardonez-moi madame, but where is everyone?

ZELDA
They’re, uh, invading a Confederate ship.

PHILLIPE
I don’t think that happened in any real battle.

ZELDA
Excuse me, we’re Americans, we’ll believe whatever version of history we like.

PHILLIPE
Is this the Confederate vessel, out the paper port glass?

ZELDA
Yes.

PHILLIPE
Looks like a TR-1700 class from the 1980s. Beautiful. Shame we have to sink her.

ZELDA
What?...ugh. I searched every inch of this ship...except you. Hi-keeba!

SFX: Zelda KARATE CHOPS PHILLIPPE! He goes down - and then LAUGHS!

PHILLIPE
Well met, Section Chief. Truce! We’re on the same team.

ZELDA
You’re a British agent?

PHILLIPE
Well, Phillipe isn’t...

SFX: Mask and vocoder ripping off.

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
But I am.

ZELDA
Tania Martin-Edwards-Bainbridge? UK National Ski Team?

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
Well, being a gold medalist is just my day job. I’m also MI6.

ZELDA
So your appearance in Switzerland during the Admiral’s summit...

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
Was no coincidence. Nor were my roles as a rabbit trainer in Sweden, a waiter at Oliver’s Garden in Indiana, or “Brony Wayne” at the New Bower Hotel. You know, I actually crossed paths with your team last year. At a Renaissance Faire as Queen Elizabeth.

ZELDA
God damn it, I trusted Bottoms! He said he’d buy us time.

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
He did! I’m with Sandy! He got me this assignment. I will have to signal my government, but I’ll
give Skip as much time as possible.

SFX: Beep. Beep. Beep.

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE (CONT'D)
Or I would have, if you hadn’t knocked me on my posterior and activated the tracking device!

ZELDA
Call Sandy, tell him it’s a false alarm.

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
I don’t have a comm device. I couldn’t risk detection.

SFX: The ship creaks.

ZELDA
What’s going on?

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
The Admiral’s sub is moving! This is a disaster twice over - not only is The Admiral getting away, but now the missile strike is only going to hit US!

ZELDA
When Skip sets off the Model Y, AND HE WILL, they can target the sub from the signal source!

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
If you have any way of communicating that to Sandy, I’m open to suggestions.

ZELDA
...they’re locking on us from space? With visuals?

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
Yes.

ZELDA
Help me get this freaking periscope up.

SFX: They struggle to do it.

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
Whew! Periscope up.

ZELDA
How’s your Morse code?

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
I took silver in Rio.

ZELDA
Of course you did. Okay get that bullseye lantern. I can’t believe it, but Skip’s Morse code
birthday party is finally going to pay off.

SFX: Tania opens the rusty hinge on the lantern.

ZELDA (CONT'D)
Dot dash dot.

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
Dot dash dot.

SFX: The hinges SQUEAK as Tania signals.

INTERIM MUSIC

INT. THE ADMIRAL’S SUB

SFX: Lucky SOBS LOUDLY.

ADMIRAL
There there, Lucky! You were obviously led astray by the traitor Balthazar’s handsome wiles! Do you renounce your mutiny and promise not to do it again?

LUCKY
I do sir! Thy mercy is without bounds!

SFX: The beep of a remote control. Lucky’s electronic shackles clatter to the floor.

ADMIRAL
Then back to the helm, Number One! Steer us to glory! As close to shore as you can get us! Triple speed!

LUCKY
Triple speed, sir!

CHET
You’re gonna blow this jalopy to pieces, you idiots!

SKIP
Shh! If they’re going to blow themselves up, let them do it!

ATHENA
I’d prefer not to be onboard when it happened!

GLORIA
Oh knock it off, you two! We’ve all screwed this up! Phillips, if your country and planet ever
meant anything to you, you should be prepared to go down with this ship!

CHET
Agreed.

GLORIA
Really? Ah yes, natural 20 charisma check! Ha!

BOWDEN
I don’t understand how you two are even alive. The Admiral threw you off a helicopter into a
volcano!

CHET
Listen, Montcrief. When you’ve lived as long as I have, you can survive in the most inhospitable
environments on earth -

ATHENA
My wedding dress was made of heat- proof Kevlar and we got tangled up in it on the way down.

SKIP
I don’t understand why you became our landlords!

CHET
To help you! We’ve been behind the scenes, trying to keep you safe!

GLORIA
I don’t believe that for a second.

SKIP
It doesn’t matter. Once again, we’ve fouled each other’s plans up, and now we’re shackled and
useless.

SFX: Click! All of their shackles drop off.

SKIP (CONT'D)
McGrath! How did you -

MACKENZIE
Remote controlled shackles: cool in principle, vulnerable to Bluetooth.

BOWDEN
We can bum-rush him again.

SKIP
No! He’s eerily wary now, he’ll see us coming a mile away. We need a coordinated effort. But first of all, I need something that only Chet Phillips can do.

CHET
Now you’re talking.

SKIP
Admiral! Mister Doe here really wants to talk to you right now!

CHET
Say what?

ADMIRAL
Of course! How now, Mister Doe!

CHET
I...Jesus...ok, yeah Admiral, how you been?

SKIP (aside)
Athena?

ATHENA
I’m in this plan?

SKIP
You’ll have to boost the Model Y’s range while McGrath reprograms it with Legrange’s signal.

MACKENZIE
Are you crazy? You’re not letting her near that thing!

SKIP
Athena, do you want the world out of Oceanologist control, or not?

ATHENA
Can I laugh in the Admiral’s face when we’re done?

SKIP
Absolutely.

ATHENA
Best mission ever!

SKIP
Gloria, you have to take down Lucky.

GLORIA
I love a rematch.

SKIP
Bowden I’ll need a vocal distraction. The Admiral needs to think he’s getting a visit from an old sailing buddy, understood?

BOWDEN
I’m scripting dialogue in my head as you speak. And those crates will prove the perfect cover.

MACKENZIE
Hey Skip, you do remember the British are gonna strike this sub any minute, right?

SKIP
Yes. Unfortunately, unless someone knows a way off of this boat... we’re all going down with it.

BALTHAZAR
Leave that to me.

EVERYONE ELSE
WHAT?

BALTHAZAR
I shall pilfer the hatch key from Fletcher’s bunk. Despite my previous errors in judgment, in my
heart I know it is my patriotic duty to help in this war effort.

BOWDEN
You’re a rat deserting a literal sinking ship trying to avoid a five million year prison sentence.

BALTHAZAR
Still better than being a SITCOM actor.

BOWDEN
Why you...

SKIP
It’s our best shot, Bowden. Everyone ready?

EVERYONE ELSE
Ready.

SKIP
Bowden, Balthazar, go!

BOWDEN AND BALTHAZAR
Going! Jinx! Dammit!

SFX: Bowden runs as Chet talks loudly to the Admiral.

CHET
And if you keep driving this sub at top speed, you’re gonna drown us all!

ADMIRAL
No no, Mister Doe, no applause is necessary! More power, Lucky! We must reach our destination before sending the signal!

LUCKY
Uh, sir, I’m getting some instrument warnings -

ADMIRAL
Mister Doe agrees that we will truly go down in the history of naval engineering!

OCEAN GIRL
You’re a genius, Admiral!

ADMIRAL
...what did you say, Athena?

ATHENA
Nothing.

ADMIRAL
I heard you -

ATHENA
It’s not me!

OCEAN GIRL (over her, somewhere else)
I said you were a genius, Admiral!

ATHENA
I mean...it’s Trixie...but I’m not saying it. God this is stupid.

ADMIRAL
Trixie, is it you? Where are you?

LUCKY
I’m freaking out a little here - mmph!

GLORIA
Move and you’re dead, Lucky.

SKIP
McGrath, Athena, get to the Model Y, upload the antidote! Chet keep talking!

CHET
Uh...hey Trixie! Good to hear your voice again!

OCEAN GIRL
Love you too, sugar-sponge!

ADMIRAL
Come out, Trixie, wherever you are...

MACKENZIE (Working on the Model Y)
I’ve got the thumb drive loading. How’s the signal booster?

ATHENA
Powering up...we’ve got coverage of the Midwest...America...the Western Hemisphere...we just need a little longer...

ADMIRAL
Enough hide and seek Trixie...SHOW YOURSELF!

SFX: He tosses aside a crate and gasps!

BOWDEN (as Trixie)
Hiya...
(as Bowden)
...sugar sponge.

ADMIRAL
CHARLATAN! TRICKERY! ANOTHER DUPLICITOUS MONTCRIEF!

SFX: The Admiral KICKS BOWDEN!

MACKENZIE
Athena are you - UGH!

ADMIRAL
STAY AWAY FROM MY MACHINE, YOU LAND LOVING LOUSES!

SFX: The Admiral smacks McGrath aside!

SKIP
McGrath! UGH!

SFX: Skip goes down too! Then Chet! Lucky HEADBUTTS GLORIA!

ADMIRAL
Hands off my machine, Athena!

ATHENA
No way you...ACK!

SFX: He begins to CHOKE ATHENA!

ADMIRAL
THE CONTROL DEVICE! GIVE IT TO ME!

SKIP
Don’t do it Athena!

ADMIRAL
And I shall let you live under Zeerox’s new world order...

ATHENA
...ack...DEAL...here...

ADMIRAL
YES!

SFX: He grabs the control and TOSSES ATHENA INTO THE CORNER!

CHET
Athena, you treasonous viper!

LUCKY
We’re in position, boss!

ADMIRAL
Your failure is complete, EMF. Let the ocean reclaim the land! NOW!

SFX: He pushes the button! BBZZZZZZTT! The Admiral is SHOCKED BY ELECTRICITY!

ADMIRAL (CONT'D)
AAAAAAAAAAA

ATHENA (Laughing)
The old taser switcheroo. Never gets old. Here’s the real controller! Send the signal!

MACKENZIE
Got it!

SFX: McGrath HITS THE BUTTON! BWWWARRRRM! Everyone cries out, and sinks to their knees.

CHET
Ah...I feel so funky.

GLORIA
Was that it? Did the signal go out to the whole world?

MACKENZIE
We’ll know soon enough.

BOWDEN
Well...something happened.

SKIP
I think...we did it!

SFX: KLAXON!

LUCKY
What the -- INCOMING BRITISH MISSILES!

CHET
Typical Bottoms. Brace yourselves!

GLORIA
Bottoms up!

SFX: BOOM! Her Majesty’s missiles hit the sub.

GLORIA
We’re hit! Everyone, abandon ship!

LUCKY
There’s no way out unless someone has the key to the top hatch!

BALTHAZAR (entering)
I’m right on cue! The top hatch is open! Fly!

SKIP
Run for it, team!

SFX: The Admiral suddenly rises and GRABS SKIP!

ADMIRAL
SKIP GRANGER!

MACKENZIE
STAY AWAY FROM MY ROOMMATE!

SFX: McGrath kicks the Admiral and the Admiral COLLAPSES, delirious, into the WATER!

MACKENZIE (CONT'D)
C’mon, we gotta go!

BALTHAZAR
Bowden and I will hold off the Admiral!

BOWDEN
I can’t believe I’m agreeing with him, but yes, go!

SFX: The others run.

BALTHAZAR
Brother! Look out for that derriere- fore!

BOWDEN
What’s a derriere-fore - AAH!

SFX: Balthazar KICKS BOWDEN, KNOCKING HIM INTO THE BRIDGE!

BALTHAZAR
FOR LANDING ON.

BOWDEN
DAMMIT I TAUGHT YOU THAT JOKE AND I WAS SIX YEARS OLD!

BALTHAZAR
Sorry, brother! The EMF is going to need a new actor, and who better than ME? Who tried so
valiantly to save your life. You won’t be around to see just how well I can cry on command...”I
tried to save him, Gloria, but he didn’t make it”... perhaps she’ll need some... comforting...

BOWDEN
YOU COMMUNITY THEATER HAS BEEN!

BALTHAZAR
Adieu, mon frere - AAH!

SFX: The ADMIRAL GRABS BALTHAZAR’S LEG!

ADMIRAL
...join me, Mister Doe...

BALTHAZAR
Let go of me you insane water buffalo!

SFX: Bowden gets KNOCKED ASIDE BY A TORRENT OF WATER! He RUNS!

BOWDEN
Balthazar give me your hand!

SFX: But a pylon falls and blocks Bowden’s way! The Admiral pulls Balthazar down!

ADMIRAL
...breathe in the mighty river, Mister Doe...

BALTHAZAR
NOOOOOOOOO!

SFX: Glug glug. Bowden runs to the hatch.

EXT. ON THE MUDDY BANKS OF THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER

SFX: Skip and the gang watch the submarine sink to the depths. Lucky sobs.

LUCKY
He was so young!

MACKENZIE
He was, like, a hundred and four by his own account.

SKIP
He was a dire threat to humanity. We can only hope Lex and Legrange’s signal worked.

MACKENZIE
Skip, there’s no sign of Chet or Athena. I lost them in the chaos.

GLORIA
Do you think they’re...dead?

SKIP
They’ve been dead before.

MACKENZIE
Sounds about right.

GLORIA
Look! The USS Alligator is surfacing!

SFX: The antique ship surfaces and the hatch opens.

ZELDA
Skip?

SKIP
Zelda! I’m here! What’s the word?

ZELDA
The word is...success. We’re coming ashore.

SKIP
Here, let me give you a hand!

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
Hello, Skip!

SKIP
Tania Martins-Edwards-Bainbridge?

GLORIA
UK National Ski team?

ZELDA
MI6, actually.

MACKENZIE
What the hell? Where’s Phillipe? Why are you wearing his clothes?

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
Terribly sorry, Miss McGrath. The real Phillipe San-Renoir is spending six weeks at a therapeutic retreat for guilty billionaires.

MACKENZIE
WHAT? Wait...how long have you been him?

TANIA MARTINS-EDWARDS-BAINBRIDGE
Oh! Not to worry. Just since the sub hanger. Forgive the deception. Excuse me, I have to check-in with Sandy. Hmm. Now where would one find a phone...

GLORIA
She really wears that suit well.

ZELDA
People are awakening from their Oceanologist-induced stupors worldwide. Governments are rushing to address their people. Pat is telling the powers-that-be that they can thank the EMF. Welcome back to the light of day, folks.

MACKENZIE
Hey wait - where did Bowden go?

GLORIA
He said he was calling his agent.

MACKENZIE
NOW?

GLORIA
I...think he needed a moment alone. I know he and Balthazar were never close, but...to see his own brother drowned...I don’t know how he’s going to -

BOWDEN (walking up, on the phone)
Great to have you back from the world of Oceanology, Gary! Oh. Well...have you tried Hari Krishna? Gotta go, Gar. (Hangs up) - What a perfect day on the locks of the old Mississippi, huh? Who wants to go get ice cream without having to hide our faces?

MACKENZIE
I think he’s over it.

GLORIA
Oh. Okay.

SKIP
Let’s turn Lucky over to the proper authorities, and then...ice cream for everyone!

MUSIC: Transition

INT. BUS

BUS DRIVER
Take your seat, sir, we’ll be leaving St. Paul momentarily, then onto Minneapolis and all points in
between. That’s a little bus driver humor. Where you headed?

CHET
Just keep driving.

BUS DRIVER
Don’t have to tell me twice, bud.

SFX: Chet slumps in a seat. His phone rings. He humphs when he sees the number.

CHET
Hello, darlin’.

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
Where you headed, Mister Hooper?

CHET
Parts unknown. How about you?

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
South.

CHET
Why, what’s south?

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
Lemme put someone on the line who you might want to talk to.

SFX: BEEPS as she transfers his call.

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
So the good guys won, huh?

CHET
I don’t want to talk to you, Muldrake. The Admiral’s dead, the Oceanologists lost -

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
Did they? Cut off the head and two new ones grow. You have to cut out the heart.

CHET
Go cry on Skip Granger’s shoulder.

MULDRAKE (ON PHONE)
Granger kicked me out of his play group now that his old friends are all back. The danger is
greater than ever. I need all the help I can get. I need...Chet Phillips.

CHET
Hell yeah you do.

INTERIM MUSIC.

INT. SKIP AND MCGRATH'S APARTMENT

SKIP
Soo...our fake landlords were unmasked as enemy operatives and our toilet was spying on us.

MACKENZIE
I tried to warn you about that smart toliet. I just figured it was Tim Cook listening.

SKIP
Well, the EMF is officially back on the redacted books. You start tomorrow as an official agent-in- training.

MACKENZIE
And I guess you’ll be the trainer?

SKIP
Ah. No. I thought I’d give that honor to Special Agent Gloria Kovak.

MACKENZIE
Really?

SKIP
I wasn’t sure how you feel about us working together right now.

MACKENZIE
Skip, we just saved the world. We’re working together just fine.

SKIP
I’m glad you think so. That’s why I’m moving out, before that changes too. You made it clear back in Melloncamp that you felt trapped here, like this was a prison.

MACKENZIE
It was a prison.

SKIP
That’s why I think it’s best if -

MACKENZIE
Skip. It was a prison. Thanks to the Oceanologists, I couldn’t leave except to go on missions.
Which wasn’t great after spending two years in an actual prison.

SKIP
I understand that we’d have more space now, but the underlying issues - my compulsive rule-making, my budget demands, my -

MACKENZIE
Stop, stop. Listen to me - let’s go a little easy on ourselves, okay? This was not a normal year. And this was not a normal living situation. I’m actually free now. That’s going to change things.

SKIP
But does it fix them?

MACKENZIE
Of course not! I’m an anarchist, you live for rules. I’m a slob, you’re obsessive about
organization. You always want to talk, I shut off from people as soon as it gets difficult. Kid, we
got problems! But...give us a chance to deal with them in a normal world. Together.

SKIP
McGrath, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the space you need.

MACKENZIE
I'm sorry...I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you what I was feeling without hurting you. So...are you still moving out?

SKIP
Well, honestly, that depends.

MACKENZIE
On?

SKIP
On whether or not you think this new extra-plain-yogurt-tahini smoothie I just made would go better with Funyons.

MACKENZIE
Come here!

SFX: They hug.

MACKENZIE (CONT'D)
I’ll get the Funyuns.

MUSIC: END THEME

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by Pete Barry & J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice.

Also starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jill Ivey as Lex Hammond, and Bob Killion as Security Guy and The Admiral.

Guest starring Karen Yang as Dr. Karol Legrange, John Dowgin as Joe the Plumber, Davw Serfass as Sandy Bottoms, Eric Werner as Balthazar Montcrief, Rebecca Serfass as Lucky, Tage Das as Phillipe San-Renior, Raymond Morse as Swabbie Ruk, and Kirsty Woolven as Tania Martin-Edwards-Bainbridge.

Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry.

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EXT. ON THE MUDDY BANKS OF THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER

SFX: The Admiral squelches out of the muck, muttering insanely to himself.

ADMIRAL
...yes Mister Doe...just ahead Mister Doe...don’t you worry Mister Doe...ugh!
(he collapses on the bank) Here it is! I told you! My childhood home! Not much more than a humble shack, but what a chick hatched forth from such an egg!

SFX: He GRUNTS and rises to his feet, and SPLINTERS the rotting from door.

ADMIRAL (CONT'D)
Ah yes, you missed the great feasts my mother would cook, Mister Doe, as she raised seventeen squalling children! Little did she suspect that I, the seventeenth son of a seventeenth son, would be destined for such greatness.

SFX: He begins to PRY UP THE FLOORBOARDS.

ADMIRAL (CONT'D)
I hid it here years ago, Mister Doe, the answer to my prayers...AH HA! (He pulls an object from the cavity below.) The statue of mighty Neptune! A work of art worth millions, stolen over seventy years ago, crafted from the stone of a fallen meteorite.

SFX: He SMASHES IT AGAINST THE FLOOR! Something inside HUMS WITH POWER.

ADMIRAL (CONT'D)
The space crystal inside...charged by the burst of energy those EMF fools released from the Model Y...how it surges with power! With this I can see beyond the known universe...and touch the very mind of Zeerox!

MISTER DOE
It’s spectacular.

SFX: The Admiral gasps in surprise! The voice is Chet’s...but there’s something weird, other wordly about it...

ADMIRAL
Is this a phantom before me? Are you an emissary of Zeerox? Or are you...truly...Chet Phillips?

MISTER DOE
No, Admiral, I’m not Chet. Don’t you recognize me? It’s your old friend...Mister Doe.

SFX: Mister Doe begins to laugh, and then the Admiral...perhaps a little fearful?...laughs with him.

MUSIC: Stinger