Season Three, Episode Five: “NO TIME, TWO DICE”
TRANSCRIPT
SFX - RADIO STATIC
THE ADMIRAL
Good morning, kiddies! I so rarely take the time to address the younger Oceanologists, but looking at the numbers from the Ocean Bureau’s new streaming service, Admiral Plus, I see I’ve ignored you to my detriment. Sure, the Octonauts are downloading like gangbusters, but kids! Check out our original programming! ‘Sheldon the Squalus’ is a delightful romp through the Gulf Stream with a friendly shark! Learn basic seamanship, hull construction, and naval history with ‘Barnacle Bob and his Band of Bay Brothers’! Really, kids, how long do you think Elmo will last when the oceanic resurgence comes? It’s been forty one years, and he still uses training wheels!
SFX: THE BANGING OF PIPES
ATHENA
Hand me the basin wrench.
CHET
Here.
ATHENA
That’s a George Foreman Grill.
CHET
Oh, sorry. I should know better, what with this awesome ‘plumber’s assistant’ hat I’m wearing.
ATHENA
What hat?
CHET
THAT’S THE JOKE, YOU... GRRR. Are you even close to done?
ATHENA
I just need to put a pinprick hole in their shower waste line...
CHET
Those words never belong together.
ATHENA...
... and I’ll be able to run a wire from their bathroom to their TV, hacking Muldrake’s signal adapter!
CHET
And shower water can rain down like it’s a Tim Robbins prison escape!
ATHENA
Unless you want to spend the foreseeable future in this apartment with me and a freezer full of Hungry Man dinners... hand. Me. The. Basin. Wrench. Good assistant. I’m mildly surprised you knew what it was. We’re in. Decoder.
CHET
Decoder.
ATHENA
Display screen.
CHET
Display screen.
ATHENA
Fresca. (SFX - A SODA CAN OPENS) Now we wait for Muldrake’s mission to play out before our very eyes...
SFX - STATIC, ELECTRONIC WAVES COMING IN AND OUT OF FOCUS
CHET
I see something... looks like... a dead body!
ATHENA
With a knife in it.
CHET
What’s next to the body... are those... two dice?
ATHENA
You know what? Let’s call it a day. Skip and company have this one in hand, I’m sure...
CHET
We spent two hours hacking plumbing pipes, now we’re taking our wrench and going home?
ATHENA
If you knew what those dice meant, you’d already have Hungry Mans on defrost. Lemme tighten this pipe--
SFX - STATIC. CRACK! WATER RAINS DOWN. A PAUSE.
CHET (doing his best Freeman)
Athena O’Brien crawled to freedom through five-hundred yards of foulness I can't even imagine... or maybe I just don't want to.
MUSIC: OPENING THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world's most secret agents...the backups. Tonight's episode: "No Time, Two Dice".
MUSIC FADES
SFX: THE DOOR TO SKIP & MCGRATH'S APARTMENT OPENS
GLORIA
Um.... hello? Guys?
(a beat)
It’s Gloria... It’s five minutes to briefing time. Skip, usually you’d be out here right now on your third rehearsal...
(a beat)
Miss McGrath? Are you here? Your gaming PC is on... so is your backup gaming PC... and your bitcoin mining PC... and your Switch... and your vintage Amiga--
SFX - A DOOR SWINGS OPEN. SKIP CHARGES WITH A ‘HI-KEEBA!’ BUT GLORIA ‘HI-KEEBA!’S HIM RIGHT TO THE FLOOR. CRASH!
SKIP
(dazed)
You’ve... been... practicing...
GLORIA
Skip, why are you ambushing apartment visitors Inspector Clouseau-style?
SKIP
Technically I was Kato just now...
GLORIA
Not in that bathrobe you’re not. Heck, I traveled with Jambo for a year and not even he tried anything like that! Though Emile did. Twice.
SKIP
We’ve got a mission from Muldrake, and to be frank... we’re all going to need practice. Take a seat, I’m going to grab... some... ibuprofen.
SFX - DOOR CLOSES.
GLORIA
OK. I guess I’ll just make myself right at home here and...
SFX - DOOR OPENS
MCGRATH
Hey G.
GLORIA
Oh. Miss McGrath. You were in your bedroom all this time?
MCGRATH
Yep. Needed to defrag the reserve backup gaming PC. Plus I knew you’d draw Skip out of hiding. There’s Sunny D in the fridge if your thirsty. Drink from the one on the door, that’s his. BRB.
SFX - DOOR CLOSES
GLORIA
Somebody needs to feng some shui around here or something--
SFX - DOOR FLIES OPEN
BOWDEN
WHY BASTARD! WHEREFORE BASE!
GLORIA
ACK! Bowden! Keep it down! You know this is the base until office rentals become more reasonable...
BOWDEN
When my dimensions are as well compact, my mind as generous--
GLORIA
Oh, you’re on your phone--
BOWDEN
And my shape as true, as honest madam's issue? YOU HEAR THAT, GARY?!?! DOES THAT SOUND TOO OLD TO YOU!?!?!
SFX - DOOR OPENS, Skip enters
SKIP
Bowden?! Is everything--
BOWDEN
SO YOU TELL THAT HACK BRANAGH I DON’T GIVE TWO CRAPS ABOUT HIS ‘CONCEPT’, IF HE CASTS CHALAMET AS EDMUND, THE BARD WILL RISE FROM THE DEAD TO WHOOP HIS IRISH ASS! AND REMIND HIM HE WASN’T EXACTLY COLLEGE-AGE IN THAT INTERMINABLE HAMLET! GOT IT? GOOD!
(SFX - BEEP. A PAUSE)
I’m... sorry you had to see that.
GLORIA
No problem, I know how it can get.
BOWDEN
Just a small... disagreement about a project I auditioned for...
SKIP
Differing opinions keep the world spinning, I always say.
BOWDEN
I mean, I can still play late twenties. Right?
GLORIA
Oh holy James Van Der Beek, this day has come.
SFX - A DOORS OPENS, MCGRATH ENTERS
MCGRATH
Sup Bo.
SKIP
OK, now that we’re all here we can--
BOWDEN
Guys, come on, tell me the truth, I can pull of late twenties, right?
(A LONG, TERRIBLE PAUSE)
BOWDEN
OH GOD!
MCGRATH
Bowden. You’re a guy. No one cares how old you are.
BOWDEN
When you’re told you’re too old for a role you are CANONICALLY the correct age for...
SKIP
Depending on Edgar’s age of course--
BOWDEN
THE AGES OF EDGAR AND EDMUND IN ‘KING LEAR’ ARE NEVER STATED. But someone has it stuck in his head of Gilderoy Lockhart hair that Edmund has to be 20s. And just because some actors are more... capable of playing a particular age than I...
MCGRATH
You mean younger actors?
BOWDEN
SOMETHING LIKE THAT MAYBE.
SKIP
Now, Bowden. We all need time to process rejection, but for now--
BOWDEN
I get it, keep the blathering old guy from bringing the room down...
MCGRATH
Yup, kinda.
BOWDEN
I’ll just sit here and wait for my AARP card to come.
MCGRATH
You don’t live here.
BOWDEN
They always find you.
SKIP
I must insist we put this topic to the side for now. Now let me get the slide projector...
GLORIA (softly)
Bo. Did you talk to McGrath, like we discussed?
BOWDEN (softly)
I couldn’t, I was dealing with Shakespearean drama all week, and not the kind you get paid for. Did you talk to Skip?
GLORIA (softly)
He wasn’t answering his phone! And the vibe here has gotten worse--
SKIP
Ahem.
(SFX - CLICK)
You’re looking at crime scene photos taken yesterday in Wellington, New Zealand.
MCGRATH
I’d hope so, otherwise someone took real depressing vacation pics.
SKIP
This unfortunate individual was Victor Esprille, a private investigator under the employ of one Reynard Muldrake. It would seem Muldrake has not placed all of his operational eggs in our basket.
BOWDEN
Makes sense to have options, you never know when one your team members might retire, take up gardening...
GLORIA
Bowden?
BOWDEN
Yes?
ALL BUT BOWDEN
Zip it.
SKIP
Esprille was staying in the secure penthouse of this luxury condominium while investigating Oceanologist activity in the South Pacific. Security tapes show no one in the building at the time of death, and no evidence was found on the throwing knife recovered from Esprille’s eye socket.
MCGRATH
Ugh. I lost my appetite...
GLORIA
That’s some handiwork.
MCGRATH
...which is rare.
GLORIA
Esprille’s clearly armed, but never even drew.
SKIP
No surprise, given the assassin was this man: Lachlan Isaacs, an elite--
MCGRATH
Wait wait wait, I’m gonna stop you right there...
BOWDEN
Ugh, a meme featuring an old guy...
MCGRATH
With no evidence, how do we know it was this Isaacs who made Muldrake’s detective defective?
SKIP
Because he told us.
(SFX - CLICK)
These were found next to Esprille’s body.
GLORIA
Are those dice?
SKIP
They are. Isaacs leaves a pair at the scene of each of his hits.
MCGRATH
Well, on the plus side, Bowden’s no longer the most dramatic individual involved in this mission.
BOWDEN
Thank you, McGrath, today I’m taking my compliments where I can.
SKIP
Dice are more than Isaacs’ calling card. They’re his MO. No law enforcement agency has ever been able to stop him because he leaves everything about his missions to...
BOWDEN
To... what?
SKIP
Just give me a moment... Isaacs leaves everything about his missions to... to...
GLORIA
I think he’s having a seizure!
BOWDEN
He’s pointing to his note cards!
SKIP
Mmmmmmmmmmm to... to...
MCGRATH
This card says ‘Isaacs leaves everything about his missions to random chance’.
SFX - SKIP EXHALES LIKE HE’S BEEN UNDERWATER FOR FIVE MINUTES
SKIP
THANK YOU... (GASP) I thought I could say the words, but...
SFX - GENERAL MUTTERS OF ASSENT, ENCOURAGEMENT, “EVERYTHING’S OK NOW, “MAYBE SIT DOWN FOR THE REST OF THE BRIEFING”
SKIP
But yes, Isaacs leaves everything about his assignments to... what she said. When coming to a city, he makes his travel arrangements at the list minute, based on a roll of the dice. The same for his hotel, cover identities, even choice of weapon.
GLORIA
How do you stop a man when not even he knows what his next move is?
SKIP
Therein lies the genius. The dark, perverted, flies-in-the-face-of-all-that-is-good-and-decent-and-right-and-organized-and--
MCGRATH
Bring it home, now.
SKIP
The genius. For the past six months, every target Isaacs has eliminated has been investigating Oceanology. And Muldrake’s sources in the financial world tell us that all of Isaacs’ payments over that time have come from bank accounts in the name of Louis La Mere.
GLORIA
The Admiral’s alias in Lucerne!
BOWDEN
So the Oceanologists have an assassin. Can’t say I’m surprised.
MCGRATH
He’s their number one with a bullet. Or knife, or bomb, or garrote...
SKIP
Now, for the bad news.
BOWDEN
That wasn’t the bad news?
SFX - CLICK. SKIP HITS PLAY A TAPE RECORDER.
MISSION VOICE (On tape)
Exactly two hours ago, one of Muldrake’s other South Pacific operatives took this photo of note assassin Lachlan Isaacs boarding a plane in Sydney heading directly to your location.
SFX - CLICK. TAPE OFF.
GLORIA
Isaacs is coming here?
SKIP
Indeed, and our mission is to identify Isaacs’ target and prevent their assassination. The one piece of good news: Isaacs’ flight won’t land for twenty hours. And that gives us time to initiate--
SFX - CLICK
SKIP
--Operation Hilton.
MCGRATH
Oh.
BOWDEN
My.
GLORIA
God.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
SFX: DOORS BEING SLID OPEN
GLORIA
It just seems a little pricey for a unique fixer upper opportunity...
BOWDEN
It’s free.
SFX: A LIGHTBULB CRASHES TO THE FLOOR
MCGRATH
Still pricey.
ZELDA
It may not look like much--
GLORIA
No, it’s got a very... homey quality.
MCGRATH
Sure. The Leatherface home.
ZELDA
But this was quite the property back in the eighties. Rats Dominion played this hotel’s bar many times.
MCGRATH
Now it is a Rat’s Dominion.
ZELDA
It was converted into an EMF safe house in the nineties. Some of the closed circuit TV lines should still work.
MCGRATH
One does. The rest have been gnawed through by Remy, Master Splinter, Rizzo, Rattigan, Peter Pettigrew...
SKIP
OK, team, let’s get --
MCGRATH
Wait. Mrs. Brisby. There, I’ve name checked all my favorite IP.
SKIP
I’m so glad.
MCGRATH
I should see if I can get clean video and audio from that one room. I’ll go do that.
SFX - DOOR CLOSES
SKIP
Bowden, it’s time for--
BOWDEN
Skip, what in the Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine is going on with you and McGrath?
SKIP
I’ve no idea what you--
ZELDA
You’re both behaving like children. Which is precisely fifty percent unusual.
GLORIA
And it’s been this way ever since Mellencamp.
SKIP
Listen. Things are a little... different since Indiana, but we still need to work together as a team. And I’m sure, given time, she’ll be able to work through whatever is bothering her.
ALL OF THEM
But--
SKIP
Mission time. Bowden, it’s time for you to get into character.
BOWDEN
Fine. I once actually spent a week as a cabbie, preparing for a role in a comedy about Travis Bickle’s newborn son: ‘Taxi Driver 2: Look Who’s Talking to Me Now?’
SFX - BOWDEN HEADS OUT THE DOOR
MCGRATH
Hey Bo, here’s the tracker. Remember how it works?
BOWDEN
I turn it on, right?
MCGRATH
Right. Never can be too sure with a man of your years.
BOWDEN
Mocking your elders. How progressive. Listen, you and Skip need to--
MCGRATH
-- to get through this mission. That’s all. Now try not to listen to any right-wing radio in the car, they target your demographic.
BOWDEN
I’ve quit better jobs than this...
SFX - HE EXITS
GLORIA
While McGrath and Bowden are busy, should we... start cleaning?
ZELDA
Yes, we don’t have much time to make this very abandoned hotel look presentable.
SKIP
Guys, never fear. Skip has an ace or two up his sleeve...
SFX - A DOOR OPENS, AND WE HEAR APPROACHING...
WAYNE 1
Aww get outta here with that mularkey!
WAYNE 2
Deny it and I’ll kick your tuckus back to Saskatoon! You’re starting a team right now, everyone in their prime, you take Orr over Bourque!
GLORIA
Holy Dudley Doright, it’s the Waynes!
WAYNE 1
Hey, there they are! The guy and gal from the film company!
WAYNE 2
We remember you guys from the Lord Nero shoot with the fire rings and the rocket sled and that stunt man screaming his fool head off--
SKIP
Yes, yes, no need to rehash old times...
ZELDA
I miss so much when I’m not in the field.
WAYNE 1
Anyways you said you had a set building gig for us?
SKIP
I did say, and I do have!
GLORIA (soft)
Skip, we don’t have the funds to pay a professional film crew!
SKIP (soft)
Under normal circumstances, no, but these are the Waynes.
(to the Waynes)
Gentlemen, cameras will be rolling in ten hours. If you can help us with this emergency build, we can pay in beer and tickets to the hockey game!
WAYNES
Oooh! Yeah! That would hit the spot!
SKIP
Former Section Chief, can you show the Waynes where started?
ZELDA
Of course. Right this way, Waynes!
WAYNE 1
Oh hold on. HEY GUYS THE GIG IS ON!
SFX - ALL OF THE WAYNES FROM 2-05 STREAM IN, AD-LIBBING IN CANADIAN - WE’VE GOT LADY WAYNE, SKINNY WAYNE, SKATER WAYNE, BOLIVIAN WAYNE, ETC
ZELDA
OK, Waynes on me! And we’re walking and we’re walking...
GLORIA
I have to admit, Skip... bringing in a film crew to help get this hotel into shape is... inspired.
SKIP
Where there’s a will there’s a Wayne.
SFX - DOOR OPENS
MCGRATH
Hey G! Tell Skip I can get audio and video from room 233. Looks like there’s a wide angle in one of the wall lamps, it gives us a good view of the room.
GLORIA
I can, but Skip’s right over her--
MCGRATH
Kthxbye!
GLORIA (to herself)
Yeah, this was old before it began.
(to Skip)
Skip, there’s one part of this plan I’m still not clear on. We’re not going to know the name of this hotel until Bowden makes the pickup, how do we prepare signage, key cards, letterhead--
SKIP
Glad you asked. Follow me into the clerk’s back offices...
SFX - SKIP OPENS A DOOR. ZELDA AND MCGRATH GASP.
GLORIA
Holy Sharper Image Catalog, look at all this... how many 3-D Printers do you have?
SKIP
Seventeen. It would have been more but the shipping company is still backlogged by that darn Suez Canal thing. Curse you, sandstorm!
ZELDA
High-speed printers? Computerized embroidering machines? Skip, you don’t have the capital for this!
SKIP
Allow me to introduce you to the most important document since the Magna Carta... the Amazon Return policy! We have thirty days to return this hardware in good working condition, plus whatever consumables we don’t use. As long as we’re efficient, our bottom line will be fine.
GLORIA
Well, our track record for efficiency is... um... well...
SKIP
But let’s not count our assassins before they’re caught. The next phase of the plan depends entirely on Bowden.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
SFX - AN AIRPORT
AIRPORT ATTENDANT
Good morning, sir, how can I, a simple Airport Information Clerk, help you this lovely day?
ISAACS
I require a Yellow Pages, please.
AIRPORT ATTENDANT
Of course! If you take out your personal electronic device, which is totally allowed since you’re off the plane, and type G-O-O-G-L-E...
ISAACS
A printed yellow pages.
AIRPORT ATTENDANT
Uhhh, OK, hold on... those are the takeout menus... that’s the Dukakis for President press kit... the Compuserve password... ah, there we are... the yellow pages!
SFX - SHE SLAMS A HUGE TOME DOWN ON THE DESK AND BLOWS THE DUST OFF OF IT. PAGES FLIP.
ISAACS
Haberdashers... Haystack removal services... Himalayan clothing manufacturers... Ah. Hotels.
SFX - DICE ROLL
ISAACS
The Bower Hotel it is.
AIRPORT ATTENDANT
Can I call someone to help you with your bags?
ISAACS
No, thank you. Those I prefer to... keep handy.
MUSIC: TRANSITION NOW
SFX: CARS AT TAXI AND RIDESHARE PICKUP.
BOWDEN
Good heavens, Skip, is this what Unter has done to the taxi business? I’ve been here twenty minutes and everyone has walked past me to get into a car with a stranger they just met on the Internet.
SKIP (OVER COMMS)
It’s a sad state of affairs for the common livery driver, but it’s our boon. Isaacs will never use a ride share app for fear of being tracked.
BOWDEN
I see him. Engaging McGrath’s tracker. Do you have my signal?
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
Sure do. Unfortunately it won’t DVR ‘Matlock’ for you, gramps--
SFX - CLICK
BOWDEN
Blessed silence. And here’s our man. Looks taller in his mugshots.
SFX - DOOR OPENS
BOWDEN
Good morning, mister...
ISAACS
The Bower Hotel. Do you know it?
BOWDEN
Sure, everyone knows the Bower.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION - BACK TO THE HOTEL
ISAACS (Over comms)
How long to get there?
BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
About thirty minutes.
SKIP
All right, team, we’re on! Gloria, make sure McGrath heard the hotel name, please.
GLORIA (grumbles to herself)
Miss McGrath, did you--
MCGRATH (TYPING)
B-O-W-E-R, got it.
GLORIA
Skip, she heard, she’s ten feet away--
SFX - PRINTERS START PRINTING, 3D PRINTERS START LAYERING, AUTOMATED SEWING MACHINES START EMBROIDERING
MCGRATH
Tell Skip we’re rolling. The stationery will print first, then the room key cards, and we’ll have a sign for the front door in five minutes.
SKIP
I’ll check on the Waynes-- YOWZERS!
(SFX - DOOR OPENS, CHATOIC SAWING AND HAMMERING)
WAYNE 1
Ay now watch the angle on the wainscotting, hose head!
WAYNE 2
Don’t you worry, they call me Wayne Wainscotting back in Moose Jaw!
SKIP
This place looks amazing!
WAYNE 1
Looks being the operative word, don’t push too hard on any of it!
SKIP
It’s just got to last the day!
(SFX - COMMS CLICK ON)
Former Section Chief, come in? How’s the room with the functioning closed circuit coming along?
ZELDA (OVER COMMS)
Room 233 is starting to look like an actual room. You have hotel paraphernalia ready yet?
SKIP
Five minutes.
(SFX - CLICK)
It’s all--
MCGRATH
Hey. Don’t jinx it.
SKIP
Oh. We’re speaking now? Well.
(a beat)
It’s alllll coming together.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION - BACK TO THE CAB
BOWDEN
First time visiting this city, sir?
ISAACS
No. Been here plenty. On business.
BOWDEN
Sure, sure... what’s you favorite place to visit here in--
ISAACS
Huh. Didn’t know Chalamet was doing live theater.
BOWDEN
Chalamet? What about Chalamet...oh they put him on the BILLBOARD? For the love of...
(calming breaths)
You a theater fan?
ISAACS
Nope. Never heard of... King Lear, is it? I just like him as an actor.
BOWDEN
(a pause)
Of course.
ISAACS
Young, vibrant, energetic...
BOWDEN
Don’t you think, though, older actors give more fully-realized performances--
ISAACS
Well, no time to chat. There it is.
BOWDEN
There what is?
ISAACS
The Bower Hotel, look.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE CONTROL ROOM
BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
Huh... yeah, that’s, um... sure is The Bower Hotel we’re driving past.
SKIP
WAIT, WHAT DID HE SAY?
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE CAB
ISAACS
You’re passing it, pull over.
BOWDEN
Sir, um... have you ever stayed at the Bower? Did you do any research, or did you just, you know, pick it at random?
ISAACS
Why do you ask?
BOWDEN
OH. Sir. You didn’t hear it from me, but the manager at the Bower is getting on in years, and that place has gone seriously downhill. A friend of mine stayed there, he said the mold in the bathroom was so bad, it scolded him when he turned on the lights.
ISAACS
Why didn’t you say anything when I asked you to bring me here?
BOWDEN
Well, when you said The Bower Hotel, I presumed you meant... The New Bower Hotel!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE CONTROL ROOM
SKIP AND MCGRATH
The New Bower Hotel?
ISAACS (OVER COMMS)
The New Bower?
BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
Ohh yeah, when you’re looking for a place to kick back in this town, you want the New Bower.
ISAACS (OVER COMMS)
All right, let’s go then...
SFX - DOOR OPENS
GLORIA
I’ve got the front door sign up, all the coasters are out, the ‘Bower Hotel’ stationery is at the front desk and the key cards in their slots!
MCGRATH
Well... at least the business cards didn’t finish printing yet!
COMPUTER
Print job, finished, 500 business cards.
MCGRATH
For a computer, your timing sucks.
GLORIA
What’s wrong?!
SKIP
Start the whole batch again! It’s now The New Bower Hotel!
GLORIA
We’ll tear through the consumables!
SKIP
We don’t have a choice!
ZELDA
All right, the monogrammed towels are in room 233, what’s next!
SKIP
I’LL GO GET THE MONOGRAMMED TOWELS OUT OF ROOM 233!
SFX - SKIP RUNS OFF
ZELDA
I’m not, as the kids say, feeling this mission.
SFX - DING
MCGRATH
First round of stationery, printed, The New Bower hotel.
GLORIA
All right, we’ve still got time -
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE CAB
BOWDEN
What about Hamlet?
ISAACS
I think I’ve heard of it.
BOWDEN
Overrated. Everyone dies.
ISAACS
Sounds fun to me. Ah. Here we are.
BOWDEN
Here we what?
(beat)
Oh... oh you have got to be...
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE CONTROL ROOM
ISAACS (OVER COMMS)
Got to be what? There it is, The New Bower hotel!
MCGRATH
He just couldn’t stop. He had to say it’s all coming together...
SKIP (entering)
OK, the ‘The New Bower’ sign is up, the stationery is on the desk...
MCGRATH
Skip...
SKIP
The key cards replaced, now all we need are the towels...
MCGRATH
Skip! Listen!
BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
Well, you see, this isn’t The New Bower hotel I was talking about...
SKIP
Oh sweet masters of karma...
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE CAB
BOWDEN
The New Bower hotel that I was talking about is--
ISAACS (SFX - A PISTOL COCKS)
Listen, friend-o. I’m not sure who are or what you’re game is. But one of two things is about to happen.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE CONTROL ROOM
ISAACS (OVER COMMS)
Either you’re going to convince me that’s not the New Bower Hotel, or you're getting two more holes in your body than you woke up with.
MCGRATH
Oh Bowden, you’d better pull this one off...
SFX - DOOR OPENS
ZELDA
Towels are done... what’s Bowden got to pull off?
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE CAB
BOWDEN
Well... it’s a sad tale. Of love, jealousy, madness, and loss...
ISAACS
At the New Bower Hotel?
BOWDEN
Oh no... this all goes back to the Bower. The place we passed, that’s fallen into such decline. The owner of the Bower... Lear... roy... Leroy. He built that hotel up from nothing. Poured his heart and his soul into it, wanted to build a legacy, something to pass on... to his three daughters...
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE CONTROL ROOM (BOWDEN’S STORY GOES ON IN THE BACKGROUND)
ZELDA
Is he... King Learing his way out of this?
MCGRATH
In jest, there is truth.
(a beat)
What? I went to college.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE CAB
BOWDEN
But by the time Leroy realized that only Cornelia truly loved him, it was too late. Gwen and Regina had taken his money and opened hotels with their new husbands, including the New Bower. One night, Leroy wandered out into a storm, got hit by lightning, and that was it. The hotel... never recovered.
SFX - A LONG PAUSE. THEN A SNIFFLE AND A CLICK
ISAACS
My sister loved my father very much, too. But...
(SFX - BLOWS NOSE)
... he just couldn’t see it.
(SFX - CLICK)
All right. So what hotel is it you’re actually taking me to?
BOWDEN
Oh, like I said, the New Bower...
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE CONTROL ROOM
BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
... but spelled B-O-U-G-H-E-R.
MCGRATH
OH FOR THE LOVE OF--
SKIP
NO TIME FOR TALKING JUST PRINTING! SINGLE WORD SENTENCES ONLY! GLORIA!
GLORIA
WHAT?
SKIP
TOWELS!
GLORIA
RIGHT!
SKIP
SIGN!
MCGRATH
PRINTING!
SKIP
STATIONERY!
MCGRATH
NEXT!
SKIP
SKIP! WHAT! UNIFORMS! ON IT! DARN THAT’S TWO WORDS I’M WASTING TIME...
SFX - SKIP RUNS OFF
MCGRATH
Hospitality... not a business for the weak.
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC - CAB PULLS UP OUTSIDE
BOWDEN
Aaaaand... right up on the left we have...
(to himself)
Holy James Brolin they did it...
(to Isaacs)
As promised, the New Bougher hotel. Sure I can’t help you with your--
(SFX - THE CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
--bags, OK then?
(SFX - CLICK)
He’s incoming, Skip.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION INTO THE HOTEL LOBBY
SKIP
MCGRATH!
MCGRATH
SKIP!
SKIP
UNIFORM?!
MCGRATH
JACKET!
SKIP
PRIMO! HIDE!
SFX - MCGRATH SLIPS BACK INTO THE CONTROL ROOM
MCGRATH
Uh oh--I gave him a jacket with the old spelling of New Bower!
GLORIA
It’s embroidered stitchery, not the most obvious thing to read... Skip just has to play it cool!
(a beat)
Yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it...
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE LOBBY
SKIP (Using his terrible undercover voice)
Good afternoon, sir, and welcome to the New Bougher hotel, how can I--
ISAACS
Are you all right?
SKIP
Of course, why do you ask?
ISAACS
I’ve never seen a hotel concierge stand with his body turned at a 70 degree angle before.
SKIP
It’s... pilates, you see! Just one of the many perks here at the New Bougher, our entire staff are licensed instructors!
ISAACS
I’d like a room.
SKIP
Very well, sir, I have something on the second floor, room 233, would you like a paper delivered or--
ISAACS
I’ll pick the room, thank you.
SKIP
Very well, no paper, shall I... I’m sorry, you’re like to... pick?
SFX - DICE ROLL
ISAACS
Never can be too careful these days. How about room 202?
SKIP
I’m not sure I can--
ISAACS
Oh well. Thank you for your time...
SKIP
-- get you that key quickly enough!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE CONTROL ROOM
ZELDA
But room 233 is the only with a closed circuit cameras!
MCGRATH
Then room 233 is going to have to go undercover. Gloria, take this screwdriver and start
swapping number plates!
GLORIA
He’ll get suspicious if the room numbers are out of order, I’ll never be able to swap a whole hallway’s numbers that fast!
SFX - A DOOR OPENS
WAYNE 1
Hey there lassies, just letting you know we finished upstairs--
WAYNE 2
-- your friend said just slip out the back when we were done--
WAYNE 1
-- but do you know where there’s a good hockey bar to pregame in--
GLORIA
Waynes, my Uncle Reilly played four seasons in the Russian Major Hockey League, for reasons my family does not talk about! So I actually know the best hockey bar in town. And if you help me with one last project, I’ll even buy you all a Molson!
SFX - GLORIA AND THE WAYNES HURRY OFF, THE WAYNE’S MUTTERING CANADIAN AD LIBS AS THEY GO...
ZELDA
Now how do we help Skip? He’s out there dealing with a trained assassin who wants a specific room!
MCGRATH
(a beat...)
He got himself into this mess, he’ll get himself out.
ZELDA
I’m sorry, what did you say?
MCGRATH
He’s a big boy. I can’t bail him out every time he ends up at the sharp end of his own stubbornness.
ZELDA
No. No, I suppose you can't do that for Skip. The man who defended you when I though you were a traitor. Who walked into a mind-altering device to save an entire city knowing full well it could mean his doom. The man who gave you a roof over your head when the old one fell down. I suppose you can't do that for anyone, can you?
MCGRATH
(after a pause)
I’ve got an idea.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE LOBBY
SKIP
My apologies for the delay, had to grab some key cards from storage--
SFX - A DOOR FLIES OPEN
MCGRATH
TRAITOR!
ISAACS
Who the hell are you?
MCGRATH
BE QUIET, BUB, I’M TALKING TO HIM!
SKIP
What? Me? I’ve no idea what you’re talking about...
MCGRATH
And to think, I hired you, some sad sack with a sob story just off the street! But you’re from my sister’s flea trap, the other New Bower Hotel, here to sabotage my hotel!
SKIP
What a terrible and improbable accusation!
MCGRATH
Is it? You just made one mistake! You forgot to switch jackets!
ISAACS
She’s right! Your uniform jacket has the wrong spelling!
SFX - GENERAL CHAOS AS MCGRATH LEAPS ACROSS THE COUNTER AND BEATS THE HELL OUT OF SKIP, WHO RUNS OUT
MCGRATH
Sorry you had to see that, sir. My sister would do anything to ruin my hotel.
ISAACS
Believe it or not... I understand.
MCGRATH
I’ll reprocess your key, and we’ll get you right up to room 202...
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE SECOND FLOOR, LOTS OF SCREW GUNS AND MOVEMENT
WAYNE 2
Aaaand that’s the last of the door numbers, miss.
GLORIA
Waynes, I can’t thank you enough! We got all these number plates switched in five minutes!
WAYNE 1
Oh we cut our teeth flipping sets for the CW, we can make you a Gossip Girl apartment in that time!
GLORIA
I hate to ask you, though...
ALL THE WAYNES
Leave by the fire escape? We’re used to it!
GLORIA
You guys rock! I’ll meet you at the hockey bar, save me a stool!
SFX - AS THE WAYNES AD LIB THEIR WAY OFF IN CANADIAN...
GLORIA
I’d best get out of here before...
SFX - DING, ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN
ISAACS (ickily)
Well. Hello there, miss.
GLORIA
Oh. Hello, sir! Enjoy your stay at the New Bougher!
ISAACS
Well. That may all depend on you.
GLORIA
Oh. Oh. Um...
ISAACS
Do you know the street address of this hotel?
GLORIA
I do! Here’s a business card!
ISAACS
Why thank you. Hmmm. It even smells like you. Delightful.
SFX -GLORIA IS DISGUSTED. WE HEAR THE DOOR CLOSE.
GLORIA
It takes a special kind of louse to make you feel you need a shower by looking at you.
SKIP (OVER COMMS)
Gloria, good job! Better get down here, we’ve got eyes on Isaacs.
SFX- Gloria hurries off. A beat later, we hear a door creak open.
ISAACS
Never seen a hotel business card smudge when I touch it. Something weird is going on here...
MUSIC: TRANSITION
SFX - THE CONTROL ROOM. GLORIA ENTERS
GLORIA
What did I miss?
MCGRATH
Only me knocking the tar out of Skip behind the lobby desk.
SKIP
I was in character.
MCGRATH
Sure, Clouseau...
SFX - BOWDEN COMES IN
BOWDEN
Everything clear so far?
SKIP
Yes. Isaacs made a phone call and gave someone this hotel’s address and his room number.
GLORIA
A contact to deliver the assignment?
SKIP
Isaacs avoids any technology that can locate him. It makes sense he’d receive the assignment in person.
SFX - THE FRONT DOOR OPENS
MCGRATH
That’s gotta be Isaacs’ contact...
SFX - AN ELEVATOR DING
SKIP
He’s going up...
SFX - OVER THE CLOSE CIRCUIT - A DOOR OPENS
ISAACS (OVER COMMS)
Good morning.
SKIP
Can you see a face?
ZELDA
His back’s to the camera, not yet...
ISAACS (OVER COMMS)
Let me take your coat for you...
GLORIA
NO!
SKIP
Why’d it go black! Why'd it go black?
MCGRATH
Isaacs hung the coat up right up over the camera!
SFX - GENERAL CONSTERNATION, OH NO’S FROM THE TEAM
ISAACS (OVER COMMS)
This is the package?
CONTACT (OVER COMMS)
It is. All the details are there on the map and the dossier.
ISAACS (OVER COMMS)
Interesting target...
SKIP
I can’t believe this, we came so close...
MCGRATH
No we didn’t! Isaacs clearly knows something is up, and now he’s playing us!
SKIP
Impossible! How would he have figured out...
BOWDER
We drove past the real Bower Hotel...
MCGRATH
I attacked you in the lobby...
GLORIA
We faked those business cards...
BOWER
And you're still wearing the hotel uniform jacket with the wrong name on it...
MCGRATH
You're talking like Sam the Eagle...
GLORIA
Someone painted Neil Pert Forever in the elevator...
SKIP
OK, point made... it’s possible, that a seasoned international assassin might have noticed one or two oddities.
ZELDA
He might think he’s in a Twilight Zone episode, Skip.
ISAACS (OVER COMMS)
Tell the employer my regular payment information still stands.
GLORIA
This meeting is winding down!
SKIP
We need a plan B.
EVERYONE
B???
SKIP
How are we going to identify Isaacs’ target...
BOWDEN
We can try and trail Isaacs once he leaves the building.
MCGRATH
Trail an international killer with a reputation for unpredictability?
BOWDEN
I did say ‘try’...
GLORIA
Hold on... Isaacs isn’t the only one who knows his target!
SKIP
We can trail the contact!
BOWDEN
I can pose as the Admiral! It’s worked before!
MCGRATH
I still have the SnapFace pattern!
SKIP
Yes, if we tail the contact and Bowden poses as the Admiral, we can get the information on the hit from him! It’ll be tight but we can--
SFX - WE HEAR DICE ROLLING OVER COMMS
CONTACT (OVER COMMS)
Are those your famous dice?
ISAACS (OVER COMMS)
Yes. And it’s Snake Eyes for you.
SFX - A SILENCED PISTOL SHOT, A GROAN, AND A BODY FALLS -- QUICK TRANSITION TO ISAACS’ ROOM. THE TEAM RUNS IN.
MCGRATH
This room’s clear!
BOWDEN
So’s the bathroom!
SKIP
And so’s the--closet, wow these rooms are small, no wonder this place was abandoned.
GLORIA
One in the head, one in the heart. Classic professional hit.
MCGRATH
And the window to the fire escape is open. Dammit, he could have gone in any direction!
SKIP
What’s this on the desk...
SFX - SKIP GOES THROUGH PAPERS AS THE TEAM GATHERS ROUND HIM
BOWDEN
Pictures of Ambassador Halliman!
MCGRATH
Isaacs’s target is the Canadian Ambassador to the US?
GLORIA
She’s going to the hockey game tonight! It’s all the Waynes could talk about! Well, that and curling, Celine Dion, maple syrup...
MCGRATH
Bowden, where’s the taxi?
BOWDEN
In the alley, we can be at the arena in seven minutes--
SKIP
Wait. Isaacs knew we were on to him. Why leave so much evidence in plain sight?
GLORIA
The dice told him to?
BOWDEN
You said it yourself, Isaacs doesn’t make plans, his whole MO is doing the last thing you’d expect!
SKIP
No. This is a ploy.
MCGRATH
I think... Skip's right. Look at this.
GLORIA
A yellow legal pad?
GLORIA
The first page is torn off...
SKIP
That first page is here in the trash, smoldering! Isaacs burnt it!
MCGRATH
He knew we could hear him and his contact speaking--
BOWDEN
-- so while they were talking for our benefit, they were writing to one another about the hit!
GLORIA
Bowden give me your lucky number two pencil!
MCGRATH
I’m sorry, your what?
BOWDEN
Don’t laugh. I never failed a standardized test in my entire academic career.
GLORIA
If we rub the pencil over the second sheet we can see what was written on the... oh my God. Pat!
SKIP
Pat?! You mean Former Section Chief Anders’ Pat?! Current Director of the Central Intellegance Agency?
MCGRATH
Full titles at a time like this?! And you dare pretend you’re not impossible to live with?!
SKIP
No time. We need to find Isaacs.
BOWDEN
It’s been five minutes, he could be anywhere--
MCGRATH
No. He’s trying to shake us. I think he’s still in the building.
SKIP
But he wasn’t in the hall--
GLORIA
Or on the stairs--
BOWDEN
And the elevator never moved--
SKIP
Which means he’s in this room.
SFX - SOMEONE SMASHES THROUGH A WALL, EVERYONE GASPS
ISAACS
Behind a Canadian-built fake wall.
MCGRATH
OK, time out, I get how you were onto us, but how did you know we had Canadian labor?
ISAACS
Every wall in this hotel is secured by Robertson square screws.
SKIP
I knew I should have ponied up for American building materials!
ISAACS
The Admiral warned me I might run into you bunch. You are a plucky bunch of personalities. But since my lucky dice are all the way over there... you. Leader. Pick a number from one to six.
SKIP
Easy. Five.
ISAACS
It’s not your day, pal.
SFX - A SHOTGUN PUMPS A ROUND INTO THE CHAMBER
ISAACS
Now, just out of curiosity... why was five such an easy choice?
SKIP
The number of agents on my team, of course.
ISAACS
Of course... wait...
ZELDA
HI-KEEBA!
SFX - A HUGE KARATE KICK KNOCKS ISAACS BACK INTO THE MOCK WALL, KNOCKING IT DOWN
GLORIA
A kick save and a beauty, Section Chief!
ZELDA
Nobody tries to assassinate my wife! McGrath, grab his shotgun!
ISAACS
No dice, lady!
SFX - KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! AND THEN CRASH, AS THE CEILING BEGINS TO CAVE
SKIP
Everyone in the hall!
SFX - THE TEAM GETS OUT THE DOOR AS CEILING CRASHES DOWN
BOWDEN
I’ve never seen two shotgun blasts bring down a ceiling before!
GLORIA
We’re in a condemned building that only looks sturdy!
SKIP
We’ve got ten seconds before Isaacs works his way through that debris.
BOWDEN
Then we’d better dig into this! I grabbed it just before we leapt into the hall!
ZELDA
Isaacs’ weapons bag!
MCGRATH
Nice reflexes, Bo!
ZELDA
What’s in there?
SKIP
Pistols, knives, garrotes, and... holy Hans Gruber.
GLORIA
That’s a LOT of C4 explosive!
SFX - KA-BLAM!
BOWDEN
He’s almost on us!
GLORIA
I’ve got an idea!
SFX - KA-BLAM
GLORIA
Duck in this room with me, now! Everyone huddle close... and hand me that!
MCGRATH
Gloria, those are detonators!
GLORIA
You’re darn tootin they are! Once I toss this bag, NOBODY MOVE! FIRE IN THE HOLE!
SKIP
Gloria, no, You'll blow the floor out from underneath us--
SFX - A GRUNT AS GLORIA THROWS THE BAG, THEN A HUGE EXPLOSION - THE FLOOR COLLAPSES - THE TEAM SCREAMS, THEN LANDS WITH A SOFT ‘OOF’ ON WHATEVER’S BENEATH THEM
MCGRATH
What?! We fell through the second floor! How are we not latkes?!
SKIP
I landed on my keys...
BOWDEN
What broke our fall?
GLORIA
Two massive piles of discarded bath towels and hotel uniforms, each with a wrong spelling of Bower Hotel. Right where Zelda and I left ‘em.
SFX - IMPROVS OF CONGRATULATIONS FOR GLORIA’S QUICK THINKING
SKIP
And we’re exceptionally fortunate the bulk of the collapsed flooring didn’t land on our heads!
BOWDEN
Where did it land?
MCGRATH
Ummm... about how much did you spend on all that equipment that’s now under several tons of debris?
SKIP
McGrath... I don’t suppose you could hack a certain return policy?
MUSIC: TRANSITION
SFX: THE BLEEPS AND BLOOPS OF SKIP'S DAMPENING DEVICE
SKIP
Of course, it won’t happen again.
(SFX - CLICK)
Muldrake will help defray the costs of the destroyed equipment.
MCGRATH
Thank God, embarrassing photos of Trip Granger wouldn’t have fetched nearly as much from TMZ as Balthazar’s did.
SKIP
There are no embarrassing photos of Trip. Only photos of Trip.
MCGRATH
I’m sure it helped our case that we managed to capture an elite international assassin under a ton of fleabag hotel flooring.
SKIP
Didn’t hurt. Isaacs is off to Leavenworth for a few consecutive lifetimes...
MCGRATH
Aww. Maybe he’ll get my old cell.
SKIP
And Zelda’s taking Pat to a secure location for precaution’s sake. So... all’s well that ends well.
MCGRATH
No, it was Lear this time around.
SFX - THEY BOTH LAUGH
SKIP
I’m not sure I’m not mad at you anymore.
MCGRATH
I feel amazingly similar.
SKIP
But you saved my life in the lobby. So... thank you.
MCGRATH
Oof. That must have hurt.
SKIP
Perhaps. Though not as bad as landing on my keys.
MUSIC: END CREDITS
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by John Dowgin and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.
It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as the Mission Voice.
Also starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jill Ivey as the Airport Attendant and Bob Killion as The Admiral.
Guest Starring Jeff Maschi as Lachlan Issacs.
Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry.
If you'd like to support our show, the best thing you can do is leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Podcasher, or wherever you listen. We love hearing your feedback, and your reviews and ratings help new listeners find our show. Well, I guess that's the second best thing you can do. The best thing would be to send me cash. Unmarked, sequentially numbered bills, please. Leave it behind the Amazon Lockers outside the 7-11. I'll find it.
This has been a Porch Room production, copywrite 2021 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
SFX -THE SOUNDS OF A PLUMBERS WRENCH
ATHENA (GRUNTS)
And... there. Finally. I’ll tell you, indoor plumbing...not as advanced as they make it out to be.
(a beat)
All that to hack Muldrake’s communications. Were you worth it, little display screen?
SFX - THE DISPLAY SCREEN FLASHES TO LIFE
MULDRAKE
You tell me, Athena O’Brien.
ATHENA
Gha! Muldrake!? Wait! Are you surveilling me? I thought I was surveilling you!
MULDRAKE
Let’s not get all bogged down in who’s betraying who. I have... a proposition.
ATHENA
I’m listening.
MULDRAKE
Skip Granger seems to be getting involved with untrustworthy characters. Including one Sandy Bottoms. I trust you know the name.
ATHENA
Trust away.
MULDRAKE
Has Bottoms attempted to contact Skip Granger recently?
ATHENA
Don’t know. But I could find out.
MULDRAKE
See that you do. And if he has, do whatever you can to prevent Bottoms from contacting Granger again.
ATHENA
Yeah, see that's a favor, not a proposition. So, exactly what’s in it for me?
MULDRAKE
Miss O’Brien... how would you like to see your father?
MUSIC: STINGER