Season Three, Episode Three: “CARRY ON, OLD HAYWARD’S SON”
TRANSCRIPT

ADMIRAL (OVER BROADCAST)
...And so, brothers and sisters, we must eat as many popsicles as possible. The dastardly popsicle industry works to turn our precious water into its cursed solid form. We must strike back with the might of a thousand tongues, using our illustrious saliva and digestive tracts to turn that evil fruity solid back into a sumptuous syrup-y liquid. We’ll fight them in the freezer aisle, we’ll fight them at the ice cream truck, we’ll fight them at the Outshine Frozen Fruit Bars corporate headquarters! With your love for the exalted Xerox, we shall take a sickle to the popsicle industry!

SFX: Four sets of steady footsteps walking across smooth dirt. Wind blows slightly.

GUARD 1
Halt! Who goes there?

GUARD 2
Sweet sea saline, it’s the Admiral! You’re here! Weren’t you just giving that riveting broadcast?

ADMIRAL
Yes, it’s me, the Admiral. You think that, with my astounding aqueous abilities, I cannot replicate myself across time and space?

GUARD 1
I’m sorry, sir! We didn’t receive word that you’d be visiting our warehouse and connected underground bunker today, sir!

ADMIRAL
Not to worry, my good mate. This is an unscheduled visit

GUARD 2
I never dreamed I’d see you take one of your famous surprise inspections all the way out here in Mellencamp, Indiana, sir!

ADMIRAL
I have with me three new Ocean Bureaucrats. They’ll be taking command of our infiltration measures in Lichtenstein and I thought they should observe what our normal operations look like. Is the commanding officer at her station in the bunker?

GUARD 1
Of course, sir, all by herself guarding our outpost’s single computer down the bunker, sir!

ADMIRAL
And is the facility’s secret escape passage out of the bunker still in ship-shape?

GUARD 1
Yes, sir, Corporal Driftwood checks it every day to ensure it is, sir!

ADMIRAL
As they should. Now, open the gate here, and carry on, you two.

GUARD 2
Right away sir!

GUARD 1
Matey Seafoam! Open the gate for the Admiral and these 3 officers!

SFX: Loud buzz, and then a large metal gate cranking open.

ADMIRAL
Become one with the Ocean.

GUARD 1 & 2
Become one with the Ocean.

MUSIC: ACTION THEME

SFX: Footsteps on dirt, transition to footsteps on concrete with a slight echo. Wind stops. Low warehouse-y sound effects: patter of some footsteps, boxes being moved, etc.

BOWDEN
Well, that was easier than expected. I thought they’d at least ask for a passcode or something.

MCGRATH
Right? Idiots. It’s almost like we don’t need these Snapface masks.

SKIP
But look at the size of this place! Even way out here in Mellencamp, Indiana, the Admiral’s got more men and resources than the EMF ever did at its peak. I bet they’ve got a whole team in charge of maintaining spreadsheets-- that’s the dream!

GLORIA
Here we are, coming up on the elevator.

GUARD 3
The Admiral! Sir!

ADMIRAL
Yes! Very good indeed, mister...?

GUARD 3
Lieutenant Choppywaters, sir!

ADMIRAL
Choppywaters, at ease. Now, if you’ll step aside, these 3 officers and I need to reach the bunker.

GUARD 3
Of course, sir! Right this way!

SFX: A vibrating bzzzzzz. Another.

GUARD 3 (CONT’D)
Mr. Ocean Bureaucrat, sir? You’re buzzing.

SKIP
Sorry, sorry... phones, you know?

SFX: DING! Elevator doors open.

GUARD 3
Yes, that’s why I threw mine in the ocean. Here you are, Mr. Admiral, sir! The elevator!

SFX: The crew steps into the elevator.

ADMIRAL
Become One With the Ocean.

GUARD 3
Become One With the Ocean, sir!

MCGRATH
Seriously Skip? Your phone?

SKIP
I forgot to silence it! But it’s ok. So far, this mission is otherwise going perfectly!

GLORIA
I’m kind of not used to that.

SKIP
Thanks to these blueprints McGrath snagged off the Oceanology Shared Drive that Muldrake found, we know we’ve got a minute or so elevator ride before we reach the underground bunker and the next guard.

MCGRATH
Okay, prepping this banana peel for a MarioKart-style slip trap. (mouth half full)
I still can’t believe how easy their passphrases are to hack. They’re all just things the Admiral says a lot, all caps, with an exclamation point at the end. H20. So dumb.

SKIP
Weapons check, everyone!

GLORIA
Sunshine and Sparkle here are primed to punch!

BOWDEN
Ha! My well-honed Protagonist’s Action Pose is ready to stop any villain in their tracks.

MCGRATH (still chewing)
Almost done this banana. Best mission ever!

SKIP
I know we’ve got next to no funds these days after we ran through what little budget we had in Switzerland, but I’m real proud of you all for doing more with less.

BOWDEN
As any good practitioner of Stanislavski’s Method will tell you, Skip, Less is More. Also, Gary took away my AMEX card.

SKIP
Alright, the elevator is opening in three... two...

SFX: Ding! doors opening. Light hum of electric lighting, computer fan, maybe a slight drip-drip of generic underground dampness, continuing through to the opening theme

COMMANDING OFFICER
Corporal Driftwood, I’ve  told you, no inspections on Sunday

ADMIRAL (BOWDEN)
A-list Actor Action Hero Pose!

COMMANDING OFFICER
Oh, Admiral! I -

GLORIA
Hi-keeba!

MCGRATH
Banana peel!

COMMANDING OFFICER
Oof-- whoop-whoooooaaaahhh!

SFX: Crash! Into a filing cabinet, flutter of papers flying. Then, a pair of footsteps.

SKIP
Aaaaaand... yes, she’s out cold. By the time she comes to, we’ll be long gone. McGrath, you’re up!

MCGRATH
On it, Skip. Encrypted files opened, and--woah.

SKIP
What’s wrong?

MCGRATH
Nothing, zipping and downloading now but... Skip look: There are a TON of different coordinates for the Seaside Chat broadcast location. That can’t be right.

SKIP
Just download them for now, we’ll figure them out later.

GLORIA
Um... did we just get through a mission with nothing going wrong?

SFX: Buzzzzz!

MCGRATH
Except Skip not being able to set his phone to silent. Literally the easiest function.

SKIP
It’s not!... I mean, the updates...

SFX: Metal cabinets being dragged across concrete floor.

GLORIA (straining)
The hatch to the secret passage should be somewhere behind these Bowden! You’re seriously still in that pose? Come help me!

BOWDEN
Can you take a selfie of me first? It’ll look great on my IMDB page.

GLORIA
Bowden, that's not what a selfie is.

CUE: MISSION REJECTED OPENING THEME

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents... the backups. Tonight’s episode: Carry On, Old Hayward’s Son.

SFX: Transition. The sounds people dining. Kitschy Italian music. The clink of silverware.

ZELDA (ON PHONE)
Skip, excellent work. A massive collection of coordinates like this has to have some sort of clue of what the Admiral is up to.

SKIP
Thanks, Zelda, but it’s all the team! I feel like we’re really hitting our stride.

ZELDA (ON PHONE)
You’ve done surprisingly well Skip, but stay vigilant. From what I’ve heard around the mailroom, the Admiral is planning something big.

WAITER
Bonjourno Italiano! Welcome to Oliver’s Garden, when you’re here, you’re here until you’re no longer here. Your table’s right this way, per favore.

SKIP
Sorry Section Chief, gotta go.  We’re celebrating our first near perfect mission with a fancy Italian feast! Want me to bring you back some calamari rings?

ZELDA (ON PHONE)
Day old fried seafood, transported by bus? I’ll pass.

SFX: Click. They hang up. The group follows the waiter.

GLORIA
So it is Oliver’s Garden? It’s not a typo for Olive Garden?

WAITER
It’s magnifico what an r-apostrophe-s will do for a cease & desist order! I take it from you question, signorina, you’re not from Mellencamp?

SKIP
Ah! Yes! We are international business people here on international business.

WAITER
Oh mio, international business people! In our small town! Dio! I hope our little cafe here will not disappoint too much.

MCGRATH
If you serve food, it won’t.

WAITER
Here are your menus. What delight Italiano would you like today?

SKIP
I think we could use a few minutes.

WAITER
Yes, of course, Signore International Business person.

SFX: The waiter bounces away.

BOWDEN
Skip, you really couldn’t have gotten our bus tickets home from this mission tonight? I had to cancel my card-throwing class for a Now You See Me 6 audition.

SKIP
Sorry, gang, TaupeHound Buses had a crack-of-dawn ticket special, and you know our funds are low!

GLORIA
Well, who knows? Maybe small towns in Indiana have a bustling night life scene!
(beat) Yeah, no, I hear it.

SFX: Bzzzzzzz!

MCGRATH
Skip, who keeps texting you?

SKIP
Oh, they’re just... emails.

BOWDEN
Incessant messages like that only come from someone enamored. Skip, you dog, did you finally sign up for VeryWellCupid?

SKIP
No! It’s, uh... it’s my podiatrist! He’s suggesting a new ointment.

MCGRATH
Okay, the fact that you voluntarily told us that means that what you’re hiding is way worse. C’mon lemme see who it is!

SKIP
Stop it, McGrath, it’s private!

MCGRATH
Ha! Got it! Who’s Timmy Two-Bit Thompson?

SKIP
He’s my biggest fan.

BOWDEN
You have a biggest fan!? Skip, congratulations! That’s a big moment in every man’s life.

SKIP
Okay, well it’s not quite a fan... You see, a few months ago, I started getting letters containing threats from an, and I quote, “up and coming evil villain who’d like to be my arch nemesis.”

GLORIA
An evil villain? Oh no! How did he get your email address?

SKIP
Well...the mail has been terribly unreliable lately, and I didn’t want the threats to be sent to the wrong place and scare an innocent person, so I set up a dummy email address for him to contact me.

GLORIA
You set up a whole email account just so it would be easier for an evil villain to harass you? Skip, if a villain is out to get you, we need to stop him!

SKIP
But they’re creative and rather enterprising! Look at this one that just came in: “you and your secret agent friends must find me and stop me, or I destroy the travel industry by vandalizing my town's Welcome signs with ""NOT!"" at the bottom.” Or here’s one from yesterday:“If you don’t respond in 24 hours with a pledge to confront me at a neutral location, I’m going to sabotage the candy experience for all the Twizzler lovers in my town by going to the candy story and peeling apart all of the Twizzlers Pull-and-Peels!”

MCGRATH
What, is he like 10 years old or something?

SKIP
I asked him for APGPL awhile back-

GLORIA
APGPL? Wait -- Do you mean ASL?

SKIP
No, Gloria, goodness, the scandal! APGPL: Age, Preferred Gender, Pronouns, Location- it’s the platonic way to turn strangers into friends on the internet. He said he said he was 18 and thus legally allowed to declare himself a villain, and therefore fat chance he’d ever divulge his L to me.

MCGRATH
Skip, do us a favor and never talk about “divulging Ls” with Internet strangers ever again.

GLORIA
And he thinks his plan to rearrange some candy is worth our time? Doesn’t he know we’ve para-glided off an exploding volcano before?

MCGRATH
We also got bested at an Ohio renaissance faire, so I wouldn’t get too high and mighty about it.

SKIP
Despite the creativity, it all seems pretty harmless, so I usually just forward it to the FBI.

SFX: Bzzzzzzz. Skip’s phone again.

SKIP (CONT’D)
Aww, this one just says “hello? Please answer me.” I’ll just write back, “No, but thank you for your interest in being my nemesis.”

BOWDEN
Careful Skip. Give the fans an inch, they never stop hounding you. Following you everywhere, sending you their hair... it’s amazing.

SFX: The waiter returns.

WAITER
Ready to order? I also brought a copy of Mellencamp’s Weekly Arts and Leisure Brochure, so you international business people can get the full Hoosier experience.

GLORIA
What is a Hoosier, anyway?

WAITER
Someone with more Hoos than normal, but not as many as a Hoosiest. I’ll give you a few more minutes.

SFX: The waiter walks away. Skip’s phone buzzes again. Bzzz!

SKIP
Look, another! “If you refuse to nemesis me, I’m going to put your commitment to the test by replacing all the condiments at the local pizza place with pineapple!”

MCGRATH
You know you can block him, right?

SKIP
But that’d be rude! And he’s so persevering, it also says “AND I will turn all of the stop signs upside down to cause a hullabaloo in traffic patterns!”

MCGRATH
If you don't put it on silent, I will

(Mackenzie grabs Skip’s phone.)

SKIP
Hey, McGrath!

SFX: Gloria flips through the brochure.

GLORIA
Look! According to FoxNewsRankings, Mellencamp has the least regulated gun range in the America! And they have a huge selection of Avtomat Kalashnikova, AKA, AK-47s? I’ve always wanted to try one!

SKIP
Let me see... Oh my-the TRAVELING ESCAPE ROOM EXPERIENCE IS IN TOWN! I didn’t think it’d be here!

BOWDEN
Well, as much fun as THAT sounds, it says here they’re showing “Several Rooms With Multiple Views!" I play the butler of one of the 14 love interests and if I do say so, my performance is Oscar worthy.

MCGRATH
We know, Bowden! You already made us all go see that four times!

BOWDEN
Gloria? I know what a fan you are of pre-Industrial hybrid fantasy- slasher thrillers.

GLORIA
Oh, uh, just you and me? Well, I...I dunno, I just thought that...well...I don't know...

MCGRATH
Um, guys? The fine print on the menu says they use ‘imitation pasta’ here. I don’t know what that means. I’m hungry, but not that hungry. Can we go?

BOWDEN
Well, Several Rooms with Multiple Views starts in 30 minutes.

GLORIA
The gun range closes at 9 and I’d like to get in at least five hours.

SKIP
And I’m sure there’s a huge line at the escape room! I think we can skedaddle. But I’ll leave a nice tip for Signor Oliver anyway.

SFX: They all get up and leave. The waiter returns.

WAITER
Alright, ready to order? When you’re here, you’re here until... oh. You are no longer here.

MUSIC: Transition

SFX: Mellencamp downtown noises. Two pairs of footstep.

SKIP
Well, with Bowden and Gloria off at their activities, looks like we BOTH get to do the Escape Room!

MCGRATH
You’re lucky the motel’s only TV channel is airing a Ken Burns’s ‘Vietnam’ marathon.

SKIP
They’re doing a Vietnam MARATHON?

MCGRATH
No, Skip, you already made me watch Vietnam twice last week. We are not having this debate again- Hey, wait a second--- that stop sign says “Dois”.

SKIP
Oh, yeah it does. Wait, it’s upside down! Let’s fix it. Luckily, I have my trusty Bob the Builder pocket- sized tool kit right here.

MCGRATH
Skip- isn’t this what that kid on your phone said he was gonna do?

SKIP
You think we just happen to be in the same town as the aspiring nemesis who’s been emailing me? Come on, what are the chances?

MCGRATH
Have you met us? Very very high!

MUSIC: Transition

SFX: Transition to a ticket booth. A car drives by. Bowden walks up to the ticket window.

TICKET CLERK
Hello sir, here for the matinee?

BOWDEN
Indeed I am: I’d like ten tickets for Several Rooms with Multiple Views. How much will that be?

TICKET CLERK
With the matinee being 25 cents cheaper, that’ll be $18 per ticket, for a total of, um... let me see.....$180.

BOWDEN
$18 dollars per ticket? My God, the theater industry really isn’t winning the streaming war.

TICKET CLERK
I don’t make the prices, sir, I make the popcorn. Which is also $18, if you’d like some.

BOWDEN
No, thank you. But you wouldn’t be able to offer a discount for me, would you?

TICKET CLERK
Why would I offer you a discount? Have we dated?

BOWDEN
No, I’m a movie star! You don’t... recognize me?

TICKET CLERK
Should I?

BOWDEN
Acquaintances? No? Some Like It Tepid? Nothing? How bout I’m in the movie you’re selling tickets for!

TICKET CLERK
Really, sir? You’re in Several Rooms with Multiple Views?

BOWDEN
I play Gal Gadot’s butler!

TICKET CLERK
Sorry. Gal steals every scene she’s in. I see no one else.

BOWDEN
Fine. Just the ten tickets, then.

TICKET CLERK
Is the rest of your party coming?

BOWDEN
It’s just me.

TICKET CLERK
10 tickets? Why don’t you just buy one ticket and 9 bags of popcorn?

BOWDEN
I’m... boosting ticket sales.

TICKET CLERK
Sir, that’s the saddest thing I’ve heard all week. Can’t you at least get a date to go with you?

BOWDEN
Hold on. I need an aside.

TICKET CLERK
A side of what?

BOWDEN
A dramatic aside in which I break the fourth wall with the audience and grapple with complex and nuanced emotions. (declarative voice) ASIDE!

SFX: Two steps as Bowden steps to the side of the teller.

BOWDEN (CONT’D)
Bowden, what are you doing? Are you really going to buy ten tickets for Several Rooms With Multiple Views again this week? This kid works at a movie theater and he has no idea who you are. Is your $180.00 really going to make the difference for Oscar recognition?

TICKET CLERK (calling over)
If you take my idea and get nine bags of popcorn, it’ll make a difference for the popcorn industry

BOWDEN (ignoring the clerk)
And on the other hand, you and the team finally have a day off, and Gloria’s all by herself. Sure, she didn’t respond to your messages offering to join her mercenary team and you’ve been holding it against her, but that’s not like her. And you miss her. And you love her. (declarative voice) ACENTER!

SFX: Two steps as Bowden returns to the teller window.

BOWDEN (CONT’D)
It’s settled! Keep your tickets and your lousy popcorn. I’m off to see my love!

SFX: Bowden dashes away on the asphalt, fading.

TICKET CLERK
See now, if you’d just done something that ridiculous in your scenes with Gal Gadot, maybe people would remember you!

MUSIC: Transition

SKIP
Here we are: Barry Boudini’s Traveling Escape room experience! Trust me, McGrath, you’re going to have a great time.

MCGRATH
Barry Boudini? Really? What, was Larry Loudini already trademarked?

SKIP
Yes, how did you know?

MCGRATH
Oh God. Jesus.

SKIP
Larry Loudini is Barry’s main competitor in the Escape Room market. They’re constantly trying to one-up each other in design. I’ve personally always found Larry’s rooms to be a bit contrived but Barry’s are the real deal.

MCGRATH
Skip, why on Earth do you do these escape rooms? We’re in a real-life one like once a month!

SKIP
What better way to hone your skills as a top secret agent than dry runs in a safe environment?

MCGRATH
I can’t believe you talked me into this. Damn, this thing is big, I’m impressed the whole escape room fits on a flatbed. How do they get it through toll booths and stuff?

SKIP
It’s pretty clever actually. The side walls are built on little sliding tracks, and when it’s time to go to a new town, the escape room operator simply flips a switch and the sides collapse inward, shrinking the room to the width of a regular trailer.

MCGRATH
The operator? You mean we’re not going to meet the Great Barry Boudini himself?

SKIP
There’s a small chance we will. Barry’s a man of the people and often trades places with his employees. But it’s always a secret so his fans never know which town he’s be in next. You have to keep going to Escape Rooms if you want a chance to get that selfie!

MCGRATH
That is the most gimmicky sales gimmick I have ever heard of.

SFX: A large door sliding open. A fanfare! The Escape Room Attendant steps to the kiosk window.

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT AND SKP
Well howdy do there, neighbor!

MCGRATH
Skip... you know the lines?

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
Sounds like you’ve been to a Barry Boudini Escape Room Experience before, sir. You know how it works?

SKIP
Boy, do I!? What’s the theme for this one?

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
Well, I can’t quite say, but I heard it’s a good one.

MCGRATH
Themes?

SKIP
You betcha! I did one in Orlando that was a Rain forest motif. The one in Ohio was a medieval dungeon theme, and the one in Des Moines was 1920s Prohibition.

MCGRATH
Weren’t we on missions in all those places? When did you have time?

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
Now, if y’all wanna head on in, you’ll hear your first clue over the intercom.

SFX: The escape room door opens.

SKIP
After you, McGrath!

MCGRATH
Lord, give me strength.

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
(Evil laugh)

MUSIC: Transition

SFX: A shooting range. The sounds of bullets, then cheering from children.

PISTOL PETE
Got three kid’s birthday parties today. But don’t you worry, I think we can squeeze you in... Now, can I see some license?

GLORIA
Oh, of course-

PISTOL PETE (laughing)
I’m just kidding! You don’t need a license here!

GLORIA
You’d really like my Uncle Riley.

SFX: Bullseye!

MILLIE
Oh my gosh! Amy, did you see that? I got it!

AMY
Yaas kween! So cool!

GLORIA
(calling over) Nice shot! (to herself) Alright, lane 108... Here we are! Let’s give this Remington a shot. Ha! Shot. Pun.

SFX: A bang!

GLORIA (CONT’D)
Oh! Close! Lotta kickback.

SFX: Bang, bang, bang!

GLORIA (CONT’D)
Near dead center! Alright, again...up and...

SFX: Bullet flies.

GLORIA (CONT’D)
Oh my gosh! I got it! Bull’s eye from 100 feet! Bo, did you see-- Oh. Well wait til I tell Quinn and Jambo.

SFX: Little footsteps approaching.

MILLIE
Hey, lady! You’re pretty good.

GLORIA
Thank you! Just remember, with hard work, determination, and practice, you can become the next Jack Ryan!

MILLIE
I can? Mom! Can I be the next Jack Ryan?

MOTHER
We’re a Jason Bourne family and don’t you forget it!

MILLIE
Mom says I have to be Jason Bourne.

GLORIA
There it is! The AK-47! Oh, I've always wanted to try one. In a safe, controlled environment that is.

SFX: She locks and loads. Bullet flurry. Different footsteps

MILLIE
Woah, go super lady!

SLEAZEBALL
Hey sweetheart. You look pretty good with that thing. Lemme know if you want any pointers.

GLORIA
I’m ok, I got a bull’s eye from 100-

SLEAZEBALL (interrupting)
Little lady, you’re gonna hurt yourself, you need to listen to a man that knows better-

GLORIA
Are you really harassing someone who’s holding an AK-47? You do realize how stupid--

SLEAZEBALL (interrupting)
Oh come on, that bull’s eye in the target had to have been a man.

GLORIA (Unenthusiastic)
Hikeeba

SFX: The guy grunts.

SLEAZEBALL
Did you just karate chop my neck!?

GLORIA
Oh come on, I BARELY touched you.

SLEAZEBALL
Nobody karate chops my neck and gets away with it!

GLORIA
Seriously? Back off, Bucko!

SFX: He grunts as he swings at her-- Gloria dodges. SFX: Millie yells, jumps, and lands on SLEAZEBALL.

MILLIE
Amy! Karen! Veronica! Bebe! Igor! Dana! He’s trying to get Super Lady! Attack formation delta 6!

SFX: A crowd of children runs and tackles the guy, punching him with dozens of tiny fists. Gloria laughs.

GLORIA
You get him, kids! You can do anything! You are the future!!! Shatter glass ceilings!
Yeah!

MUSIC: Transition.

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT (INTERCOM)
Welcome to Barry Boudini’s Podcasting-themed Escape Room!

SFX: Door opens and Skip and McGrath enter.

MCGRATH
Podcasting? There’s just a sofa, a chair, a bookcase, a mini fridge... This just looks like some guy’s apartment! Okay, I guess that’s pretty accurate.

SKIP
Barry Boudini’s attention to detail is unparalleled.

MCGRATH
Does that attention to detail extend to what’s inside the fridge? (she opens the fridge) Oooh, it does! Okay, maybe this place isn’t a total dud.

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT (INTERCOM)
You’ll be given a series of riddles. The answer to each is a sound effect. Use the microphone in the center of the room to record the sound effects in the correct order before the 30-min time limit is up. Doing so will unlock the door.

SKIP
Oh boy! McGrath, are you ready?

MCGRATH (from the fridge)
Oooh, chips AND ranch dressing!

SFX: Bag of chips opening, McGrath noms.

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT (INTERCOM)
For your starting sound phrase, as you build your key,
You must make a recording that’s often in C
The object you need is not quite a guitar
And the sound should be one of a small twinkling star

SKIP
Hm, That’s a tough one! McGrath, what do you think? McGrath!

SFX: McGrath eating.

MCGRATH
(mouth full) What?

SKIP
What do you think the answer to the first riddle is?

MCGRATH
(still eating) What riddle?

SKIP
McGrath, come on, you’ve gotta pay attention! There’s a time limit!

MCGRATH
Guess I better hurry and eat all this food before the game is over.

SKIP
“Often in sea.” Often in the sea? Hmm. The ocean? McGrath, do you see anything in this room that could make an ocean sound?

MCGRATH (drinking)
This Code Red Mountain Dew has bubbles. Happy? Did I help?

SKIP
Okay, yeah! Let’s try recording that. No, McGrath, don’t drink it all, we need that! Bring it over.

SFX: Fizzy bubbles!

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT (INTERCOM)
Wrong! Try again!

SKIP
No? Alright, let’s keep looking.

MCGRATH (munching a chip)
K, lemme know when you’re done.

SFX: A smacking-bag sound-- chips scatter!

MCGRATH (CONT’D)
Ah! My Tostitos!

SKIP
Don’t eat them! They might be a clue. Now, the clock is ticking, stop thinking with your stomach for once and focus, McGrath!

MCGRATH
I can’t think on an empty stomach. Remember when you tried to teach me how to play Aeon’s End before my pizza arrived? Besides, you got this, you’ve done a lot of these on your own, right?

SKIP
I know, but... I was really excited to do an Escape Room with you.

MCGRATH (touched, relenting)
Alright, fine. Something in the sea, huh? I guess I’ll look through this bookshelf.

SFX: McGrath steps over to the bookcase and rifles through.

SKIP
No, McGrath, what are you doing?

MCGRATH
(groaning) What now?

SKIP
You’re just going to start looking at books randomly? You’re not even going to devise a method for organizing the search?

MCGRATH
Jesus, Skip, seriously?

SKIP
What?

MCGRATH
You do this all the time! You ask me to do some game or chore and then get mad about the way I do it.

SKIP
We’re on a TIME LIMIT, McGrath! We don’t have time for mistakes.
It’s not efficient to just look through books randomly, we need a regimented system composed of nine piles sorted by color, and then subcategorized by the Dewey Decimal System. Have you even read the resources I emailed you last month on basic organization methodology?

MCGRATH
No.

SKIP
What!? But they’re so helpful! Wait- is that why you’re still putting our sporks in the spoon holder and our spoons in the spork holder?

MCGRATH
THEY’RE THE SAME UTENSILS, SKIP!

SKIP
They’re not! I don’t know how many times we have to have this conversation--

MCGRATH
I don’t want to keep having this conversation! Stop treating me like I’m a child!

SFX: Buzzz!

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT (INTERCOM)
Twenty-five minutes left!

SKIP
WHAT!? Five minutes elapsed already?? Jeez, we are so behind. Come on, let’s get back on track.

MCGRATH
No, Skip-- you brought this up, I’m tired of putting it off. We’re talking about this here and now.

SKIP
You want to ruin your first escape room experience with this?

MCGRATH
YES I DO!

SKIP
You wanna talk QUALMS?

MCGRATH
YES!

SKIP
Fine, let’s talk QUALMS!

MUSIC: Transition

SFX: Transition to a suburban street. An occasional car, maybe some birds chirping. Jogging footsteps.

BOWDEN
Gloria? Why are you sitting on the curb like that.

GLORIA
I’m just thinking my thoughts.

BOWDEN
Oh. Can I sit with you?

GLORIA
Sure. What happened to your movie?

BOWDEN
I skipped it. I wanted to find you. I miss you.

GLORIA
I miss you too, but... things are different now.

BOWDEN
I know. And look, it hurts that you didn’t want me on your mercenary squad, but I still think-

GLORIA
Wait. What are you talking about?

BOWDEN
The squad-- before we all got separated, I told you to reach out if you wanted to keep fighting the good fight.

GLORIA
I did! But you never responded.

BOWDEN
Gloria, I never got that message.

GLORIA
You- you didn’t?

BOWDEN
No.

GLORIA
So, you weren’t blowing me off? And you thought I was blowing you off.

BOWDEN
Yeah. But, it turns out we weren’t, right? So that’s good. But... why does this still feel...

GLORIA
Off? Because we both thought the worst.

BOWDEN
What do you mean?

GLORIA
Look, Bo, I am so proud of the work that the EMF does, and what we’ve accomplished in the past two years. We make the world a better place and there is nothing that I would rather be doing. And I always assumed that you were the same. But I guess, when I never heard from you, it was hard not to think that you didn’t care that much. And I didn’t want to think that, but... and then your career started to take off, and I know how important that is to you. And you are so talented Bo, you should be a star! And I was happy for you... but I guess it just hurt to think that if you had the chance, you’d drop all of this in a heartbeat, like it wasn’t important.

BOWDEN
Gloria, you have to know that I would have been there in a second if I thought you wanted me there. I just... thought you didn’t.

GLORIA
But why wouuld you think that?

BOWDEN
Look at your team! You’ve got you, Quinn, Jambo... even Emile knows his way around a stun rod. You don’t need me. And come on, when people find out we’re together, you don’t think they’re wondering “what’s she doing with him?”

GLORIA
Of course not.

BOWDEN
Really? Because the starry-eyed graduate fellow I first went out with has transformed into a magnificent force of nature. You’re incredible, Gloria. Miles out of my league. You see so much good in people and expect the best of them. And you should because you lead by example. It’s just hard, knowing I’ll never live up to that. I guess I thought maybe you’d finally wised up.

GLORIA
Bo... no, that’s not true.

BOWDEN
You say that and I believe it, until a minute later, when I don’t.

GLORIA
I - I’m so sorry, Bo. I never meant to make you feel that.

BOWDEN
But that’s the thing, you didn’t. You didn’t do anything. It’s me. I should have been more forthcoming with this, I tried to tell you back in Skokie... I can deliver a Richard III that would break your heart, but this stuff... is hard for me to talk about. I don’t know why I’m like this.

GLORIA (sadly, half joking)
Balthazar.

BOWDEN
As much as I’m comfortable blaming him for 99% of my problems, this one might be on me. But I don’t know what do now. I know I don’t like what we’ve been doing the last couple months. Being awkward. Overly polite. Avoiding each other.

GLORIA
Me neither. I guess, the easy thing to do would be to call it.

BOWDEN
Yeah. You’re right.

GLORIA
I don’t want to do the easy thing.

BOWDEN
Me neither. So what does this mean? Couples therapy? There’s not a lot of people I would do that for, but--

GLORIA
Why don’t we start by just talking? I want you to feel like you can tell me anything, even these things you don’t wanna say to yourself. So let’s work at that. Both of us, promising to communicate better, just a little more every day.

BOWDEN
That sounds great.

SFX: They kiss. A roaring engine as a gigantic vehicle careens down the street in front of them, the faint yell of the driver.

GLORIA
Was that... a child driving a wrecking ball?

BOWDEN
Okay, so I’m not going insane.

GLORIA
You know, it kind of tracks for this town.

BOWDEN
There’s only one pair of nutcases that could attract that level of absurd chaos. Skip and Mackenzie.

MUSIC: Transition

SFX: Buzzzz!

MCGRATH
And you always wake me up at 6 am on Saturdays for those STUPID Eggo waffles!

SKIP
They’re NOT stupid, they’re affordable! Remember how many boats of nigiri you bought at the Swiss sushi bar? Do you?? I’m going to have to eat Hot Pockets for a year to square our yearly expenditures! We are on a budget, and making your waffles in the same batch as mine saves electricity.

MCGRATH
HOW MUCH ELECTRICITY COULD YOU POSSIBLY SAVE CRAMMING FOUR WAFFLES IN THE TWO SLOT TOASTER?

SKIP
Several fractions of a watt, McGrath. SEVERAL! Which we need to do to keep up with the huge power drain from your gaming computer!

MCGRATH
WHICH I NEED TO GET A BREAK NOW AND THEN FROM YOUR INCESSANT NAGGING!

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT (INTERCOM)
One minute left!

SKIP & MCGRATH
SHUT UP!

MCGRATH
You’re not listening to me, Skip, you never listen! I’m trying to tell you to respect my boundaries!

SKIP
Your “boundaries” are just an excuse for your wasteful lifestyle. We can’t afford it!

MCGRATH
Living in your condo is more suffocating than living in that EMF prison cell ever was.

SKIP
You don’t mean that.

MCGRATH
Oh. I do mean that.

SKIP
Fine, if you hate living with me so much, maybe you should move out.

MCGRATH
I CAN’T! With Oceanologists running everything I’m stuck in hiding and you’re driving me completely insane, and I HAVE NEVER FELT SO TRAPPED!

SKIP
Well. Good thing the time’s almost up. We’ll lose the Escape Room, the doors will unlock, and we can just... get out of here.

MCGRATH
Yeah.

SFX: Just ten seconds of painful silence. Then a buzzer.

MCGRATH (CONT’D)
Thank god.

SFX: Footsteps, McGrath rushes to the door, and turns the knob. It sticks. She jiggles it. It sticks again.

MCGRATH (CONT’D)
What? It won’t open.

SKIP
What? That’s not right. Let me try.

SFX: Regular-paced footsteps. Skip tries the knob. Nothing.

SKIP (CONT’D)
Huh. Mr. Operator? Hello? The door won’t open.

MCGRATH
Is this part of the Escape Room? That’d be pretty meta, actually.

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT (INTERCOM)
Confused, are you? Maybe a little worried? Good.

(The attendant laughs. Evilly.)

SKIP
Oh my god is this...? Alright, Timmy, you’ve proved your point! You’re the greatest up and coming villain on the planet!

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
What are you talking about?

SKIP
All those emails you sent me, trying to get my attention. This is truly impressive.

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
Where would I get a super spy’s email address?

SKIP
But then...

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
Yes. You’re trapped. Trapped in a box and can’t get out. Funny. That must have been exactly how Hayward Johnson felt.

MCGRATH
Who?

SKIP
Oh no.

MCGRATH
Am I supposed to know who Hayward Johnson is? And what kind of dumb name is Hayward Johnson?

SKIP
Hayward Johnson was the informant in the cattle barons missions two years ago. The guy who fell into the combine harvester. Remember?

MCGRATH
No.

SKIP
Does Dr. LeGrange’s bucket ring a bell?

MCGRATH
The one who...Oh… oh my god. That did happen, didn’t it? Shit… yeah… eww! Skip, why did you remind me? God, that was so gross!

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
Yes, it was gross. Zelda Anders told Hayward Johnson’s family that his life had been lost in the service of his country. But the meager Cattle Baron life insurance barely let his only son to put food on the table. So his son vowed to get his revenge on the people who tore his family apart. Who literally tore his father apart.

SKIP
We didn’t literally do that, the combine harvester did!

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
Shut up, stop interrupting my big reveal!... And that son’s name is Wayward Johnson.

MCGRATH
That’s an even dumber name than Hayward Johnson.

SKIP (Simultaneously)
Uh, McGrath? I’m pretty sure that this operator is Wayward Johnson--

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT (Simultaneously)
And I am that son, Wayward Johnson- DAMNIT that was my line, you ruined it!

MCGRATH
This guy is an even dumber super villain than your fanboy, Skip.

SKIP
We’re sorry, Mr. Johnson! We’re sorry! We had no idea! I’ll get all this sorted out, I’m sure I can eat more Hot Pockets to free up some extra condolence funding for you. Now, if you’ll just open the door-

SFX: Skip tries to open the door. It’s still locked.

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
No. I’ve spent the last two years preparing for this moment. You think I want your blood money?

MCGRATH
You were LITERALLY complaining about not having enough money like thirty seconds ago.

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
It’s too late for that! I’m here to avenge my father, who was left to die a gruesome death in a box. And now, I have you trapped in this box, a box which, with the safety mechanism off, will collapse inward, crushing you completely.

SFX: WALLS SLOWLY CLOSING IN! (Star Wars trash compactor)

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
And now, you will know what it feels like to have the walls closing in, with no way out. You will know what my father felt in the last moments of his life. And you will die.

(Evil laugh. The intercom cuts out.)

MCGRATH
Is this getting smaller? It's getting smaller1

SKIP
Mr. Johnson? Are you there? (silence) Wayward!

SFX: The walls keep closing in.

MCGRATH
Skip, I think he’s gone.

SKIP
No. No he can’t!

SFX: Pounding on the walls.

MCGRATH
Look out, Skip! The bookshelf!

SFX: Crash!

SKIP
I... I don’t think we’re getting out.

MCGRATH
I never thought I’d say this, but I should’ve gone to Bowden’s movie.

SKIP
McGrath? I’m sorry I yelled at you.

MCGRATH
Well, I’m not. I need space. We needed to talk about that stuff. We still do.

SKIP
There’s no time! We only have a few-

SFX: CRAAAAAAAAAASH! A WRECKING BALL COMES SAILING THROUGH THE ROOM, CRUNCHING THE WALLS AND SENDING FURNITURE FLYING. BEEPING OF HEAVY CONSTRUCTION MACHINERY!

SKIP AND MCGRATH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
FWAHAHAHA! Who could cause such mayhem and destruction? Who could bring a traveling escape room to its knees? It is I, Master Agent Ganger: Timmy Two-Bit Thompson! Your arch nemesis! FWAHAHAHAHA!

SKIP (dazed)
What?

ESCAPE ROOM ATTENDANT
Damn you, Timmy Two-Bit and your incouragable need for attention! You've but a target on your back! I swear, one day, I'll get you my Skippy, and your little Timmy Two-Bit too!

SFX: Wayward howls with wicked laughter as he flees.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
You should never underestimate Timmy Two-Bit Thompson, because when you do: Timmy Two-bit Thompson comes in like a wrecking ball.

MCGRATH
I take back what I said earlier. This guy is definitely dumber than Wayward Johnson.

SFX: Footsteps as Gloria and Bowden run up.

GLORIA
Oh my god, what a mess! Skip? McGrath? Are you here?

BOWDEN
This is a bigger disaster than the set of Sharknado 7: Return of Shark Wahlberg.

GLORIA
Hey, kid! Who are you?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Aren’t you listening? I’m Timmy Two- Bit Thompson and I have come crashing into Master Agent  Granger’s life! AHAHAHA!

SKIP
Timmy? I think... You saved me.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
I... I did?

MCGRATH
Sure did, kid. We would have been goners if you hadn’t come along.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
FWAHAHAHA! Well, good thing I did, then, because if you were dead, you would have kept ignoring me! Now, I must get this heavy machinery back to the construction site before someone misses it and tells my mom, but don’t think you’ve seen the last of me, Master Agent Granger!

SFX: Heavy machinery backing up, beeping, slowly trundling away over the next few lines.

MCGRATH
Uh... what just happened?

MUSIC: Transition

SFX: Transition to the bus depot. An engine humming, bus pulling out of the stations, faint “peas and carrots” chatting from a crowd other passengers at the depot.

BUS DRIVER
This is the only bus from Melloncamp, Indiana...

SFX: A phone rings.

GLORIA
Hi Section Chief! What’s up?

ZELDA (ON PHONE)
Are you all alright? I couldn’t reach Skip.

GLORIA
Oh, he’s fine, he probably just finally figured out how to put his phone on silent.

ZELDA (ON PHONE)
What? Skip never puts his phone on silent.

GLORIA
Yeah, well...there was a-- it’s a long story.

ZELDA (ON PHONE)
Nevermind. I ran those coordinates through a proxied connection from Pat’s mainframe to CIA analytics. There’s a pattern.. Key West. Halong Bay. Disney’s Typhoon Lagoon. The Marianas Trench.

GLORIA
Are they Real Housewives locales?

ZELDA (ON PHONE)
They’re all aquatic.

GLORIA
Oh. Well, with the Admiral, we probably should have guessed that.

ZELDA (ON PHONE)
It means he’s moving. Maybe another cruise ship. Get back ASAP, we need to start planning.

GLORIA
Roger that, Section Chief, our bus leaves in a few. See you soon!

SFX: She hands up. Footsteps.

BOWDEN
Here, Gloria. I got you an ice cream sandwich.

GLORIA
Oh, thank you! And this is for you.

BOWDEN
A Tab soda?

SFX: Can opens, Bowden takes a sip, smacks his lips.

BOWDEN (CONT’D)
Amazing! One sip takes me back to my old college days. Gloria, I can’t believe you found a vending machine out here that still sells Tab. Where was it?

GLORIA
Oh, just... around. I definitely haven’t been carrying it in my purse for the last 2 years.

SFX: Footsteps.

SKIP
Hey! Either of you want a snack for the ride home, for a job well done? I have one bag of Cheetos X-Treme for McGrath, and a pack of Sunflower Seeds for me...

BOWDEN
We’re all set. But where’s McGrath? She knows the bus leaves in a couple minutes, right?

SKIP
I don’t know. She’d made her bed, packed her bags, and left the motel room before I woke up. I hope she’s not late for the bus.

SFX: Hurried footsteps approach, baggage on wheels against pavement getting louder. McGrath arrives and hurries past the group over the next few lines.

SKIP (CONT’D)
McGrath! There you are! I was starting to think--

MCGRATH
That I’d miss the bus? Please. I can’t wait to get out of this town.

SKIP
No problem, just glad you’re here. Hey, I got you your favorite snack--

MCGRATH
Thanks, but I'll pass. Not hungry -- I'm gonna sleep at the back of the bus, so try not to bother me, guys

SFX: McGrath gets on the bus.

BOWDEN
Wow! I’ve never seen her turn down X-treme Cheetos before. That’s more out of character than when they convinced Channing Tatum to tap dance in Hail, Caesar!

GLORIA
Skip? Did something happen?

SKIP
Oh- no! I’m sure she’s just tired, that’s all. Tough motel beds, you know? Oh! I should take my phone off silent in case Zelda--

SFX: Bzzzzzz- Skip’s phone.

SKIP (CONT’D)
Oh jeez. Another email from Timmy.

GLORIA
He’s still at it?

SKIP
“Look behind you.” Look behind-- what does he mean by- WHAAA~

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
FWAHA! Took you long enough, Master Agent Granger! Tut tut, a Master Agent should never let their guard down, much less at a bus depot.

SKIP
Timmy, thanks for saving us, but I’m tired and just want to get on the bus-- what do you want?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Why, our epic showdown, of course! Timmy Two-Bit Thompson, the misunderstood hero that America needs, versus Master Agent Granger, government lapdog and archnemesis-

BOWDEN
Skip, we don’t have time for this, the bus is about to leave.

SKIP
Right you are, Bowden. Gloria?

GLORIA
On it, Skip.

SFX: Gloria steps towards Timmy.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Ow! Don’t twist my arm like that, that’s not fair!

GLORIA
Got him, Skip, he’s all yours.

SKIP
Timmy, I’m sorry, you’re not geting your showdown. We have to go.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
You’re a rat scoundrel, Granger!

SKIP
Listen: I’m genuinely impressed. You’ve got my attention. And what’s more, you’ve got imagination, determination, and-- ooh! Is that a Bob the Builder Pockey Sized toolkit in your belt there?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Don’t try to be friends with me, Granger! I am your sworn enemy!

SKIP
I’m not trying to be friends with you, I’m trying to hire you! Look, we’re low on funding right now, so it would have to be an unpaid internship, but the EMF could use more people with the qualities you have.

GLORIA
Trust me. The EMF...can chane your life.

SKIP
Here’s my card. You know my email: chickenNstars247@hotmail, but now you have my personal phone number. Let me know if you ever want to turn over a new leaf. I believe in you Timmy, and I’d be happy to help. Gloria, let him go.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
You believe in me? My sworn enemy? Nobody’s ever believed in me before. Not even my mom.

SKIP
I may be your sworn enemy, but everyone deserves a new start.

BOWDEN
Yeah.

GLORIA
Yeah.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
A... new start? You mean it?

BUS DRIVER (calling down)
Ok, final call for the bus leaving Melloncamp, Indiana. C’mon team, let's go!

SFX: The team hustles to the bus, baggage wheels on concrete.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON(shouting, frustrated)
Don’t think you’ve seen the last of me, Granger!

SKIP (shouting back)
I hope not, Timmy! Think about what I said! I believe in you!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Don’t tempt me, Granger!

SKIP
Too late!

SFX: Bus door closes, drives off.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
(Laughs)

MUSIC: END CREDITS

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. MIchael DeAngeis, and John Dowgin. This episode was written by Paige and Chris Klaniecki and directed by Pete Barry.

It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice.

Also Starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jill Ivey as Ocean Bureau Commander and Mother, and Bob Killion as The Waiter, The Slimeball, and The Admiral.

Guest starring Benn Iffring as the Ticket Taker, Addison DeAngelis as Millie, Lia Barry as Amy, Caden Dowgin as Timmy Two Bits Thompson and Ross Currie as Wayward Johnson.

Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry.

Want to support Mission Rejected? Join our Patreon for as little as $1 a month for behind the scenes stories, mission dossiers, bonus audios and more. All proceeds go to our amazing cast. Except me. I'm paid in pizza and out of print card games. Go to www.patreon.com/missionrejected to find out more.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2021 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

MUSIC FADES.

SFX: Typing at a keyboard.

CHET
Alright, we’re in! Here we are. Skip’s private cloud storage. The mission records have gotta be in here somewhere.

ATHENA
Finally. That took forever.

CHET
“Skip’s Filing System: Read Me First” – no!, that’s bound to be a yawn-fest– “Star Wars Holiday Special: Extended Cut” – why would anyone want to watch MORE of  that garbage?, jeez -

ATHENA
My father will die of old age before we get through this.

CHET
Ah here! “THESE ARE NOT MISSIONS.”

ATHENA
They would really hide the missions are in the folder named “THESE ARE NOT MISSIONS” in all caps?

CHET
Checking subfolders now –“Family Photos,” no – “Garry Kasparov Opening Chess Moves” No - “Top Secret Campbell’s Chicken ‘n Stars Recipes” – REALLY, Skip? – AHA! Look at this. Buried in 6 subfolders: Timmy Two-bit Thompson Spy Missions”.

ATHENA
TimmyTwo-Bit Thompson?

CHET
Real missions, filed under an innocuous name, the perfect cover! T

ATHENA
A Mission Number, Date and Time, Date and Time of Reception, Date and Time of Filing, Date and Time of Review, Date and Time of Re-review -- oh dear God.

CHET
And all from the last couple months. The timeline tracks.

ATHENA
Here, run the Cross-Triangulation Matrix 404 program from my USB on these files. Not even the EMF has a program like this, Skip couldn’t have pinpointed messages’ origin. But with CTM 404....ha! Bingo. Mellencamp, Indiana.

CHET
We’ve got our lead.

ATHENA
Copy the files and log out. I’ll book us a bus to Mellencamp.

CHET
We’ll find you, Timmy Two-bit Thompson. And when we do, you’ll tell us why the Admiral so badly wants to “switch the local library’s VHS tapes into all the wrong tape sleeves causing library patrons to go home with the wrong movies.

ATHENA
A Bus. I had my own helicopter pilot. I had my own helicopter. I have my own helicopter's license...I could fly out of here myself...

MUSIC: Stinger

ATHENA
I had my own boat. I had my own plane. I had my own bigger plane. And my keychains were so cute.