Season Three, Episode Two: “ON MISTER MULDRAKE’S OBVIOUS SERVICE”
TRANSCRIPT
FX: Static, a radio tuning in.
MUSIC: The Oceanology Hymn
BALTHAZAR (Sings)
Oceanology unbound!!
THE ADMIRAL
Brothers and sisters in Zeerox, I bid you fond returns from my secret broadcast location. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s tells us that last year, one point six million square miles of ice were repatriated to the sea as glorious water. We must all do our part to hasten the return of water to liquid form. I hereby announce the Oceanologists’ AquaNet distribution plan. By loosing aerosols and fluorocarbons into the wild, you’ll not only help hasten Mother Earth towards her proper physical state, but also earn Admiral Bucks, redeemable at such fine retailers as Sunglass Hut, The Sharper Image, and Dave and Busters!
FX: Loud banging, like a wrench on pipes
ATHENA (from the next room)
Are you done yet?
CHET
Don’t rush me!
(under his breath)
Oh, man... I dodged a bullet, then moved in with the gun.
ATHENA (suddenly next to him)
What was that, hubby?
CHET
GHAA! I have to get a bell for you.
ATHENA
Oh sure, with your supreme power of observation that would really help.
SFX: Click
CHET
Alright, done. Turn on the TV...
SFX: CLICK
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN (ON TV)
Sorry... so sorry... the... ANSWER... was TAUPE. You moron.
CHET
Man, Jeopardy needs to find a permanent host. Hand me that frequency modulator...
SFX: STATIC, CHANNELS CHANGING AND CO-MINGLING...
MISSION VOICE
This is Phillipe Saint-Renoir, billionaire tech magnate and the proud owner of this...
The Quelimane Star, an undersea diamond recently found off the coast of Mozambique.
CHET
VICTORY! I’ve hacked Muldrake’s mission signal for Granger!
ATHENA
Hold on, something you did worked? Am I being punk’d?!
SFX: QUICK STATIC, THEN A DISTORTED VOICE
MULDRAKE
Naughty, naughty, Chet Granger! NO MISSION FOR YOU!
SFX: STATIC, AND THEN BOOM! CHET AND ATHENA SCREAM.
ATHENA
The television exploded!
CHET
Thank you, I have eyes!
ATHENA
Ugh. The ACTUAL Mr. Hooper would be more capable than you are at this.
CHET
Just hand me my screwdriver. We are stealing this mission, if it’s the-- what’s this?
SFX: Ice being swirlled in a glass.
ATHENA
Vodka and orange juice. A screwdriver you know how to use.
MUSIC: OPENING THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world's most secret agents...the backups. Tonight's episode: On Mister Muldrake's Obvious Service.
MUSIC FADES
COMPUTERIZED VOICE (with an Italian accent)
La biblioteca è chiusa per giorna della Marmotta.
SKIP
The library... is closed... for Groundhogs Day.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Correct! Vorrei burro di arachidi nei miei collant.
SKIP
I would like... peanut butter... in my pantyhose?
COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Correct!
SKIP
Really?!?
SFX - DOOR OPENS
MCGRATH
What’s the good word, Skip Marley?
SKIP
McGrath! Is peanut butter and pantyhose a thing?
MCGRATH
I’m going come back in and we’re going to pretend that exchange never happened.
SFX:DOOR CLOSES, REOPENS
MCGRATH
Take two.
SKIP
Did the delivery guy forget anything?
MCGRATH
Let’s see... nope, looks good a case of Mountain Dew, four family size bags of Funyuns, and Showgirls on Blu-Ray. Extended cut.
SKIP
The list I gave you was dish detergent and highlighters.
MCGRATH
Ahhh, I must have entered my shopping list. It did seem off-brand for you.
SKIP
McGrath, I’m sorry, but this is unacceptable! If we’re going to make this roommates slash coworkers slash international people of intrigue answering to a shadowy man of mystery thing work, I’m going to need full confidence in your--
MCGRATH
They’re wasabi Funyuns.
SKIP
OK, crack those bad boys open.
SFX: GREAT BIG BAG OF FUNYUNS OPENS
COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Apri quei cattivi ragazzi.
SKIP
Oh, I left my phone on translate mode.
MCGRATH
Are you learning Italian?
SFX - BEEP
SKIP
Yep. I figured I’d round out my skill sets while waiting for a--
MCGRATH
We’ve got a mission, don’t we?
SKIP
I can neither confirm nor deny...
MCGRATH
For two weeks you’ve sat gazing out that window muttering, ‘Here, mission mission mission...’
SKIP
Hey, I was in a state of flux.
MCGRATH
And now there’s a stack of notebooks on the coffee table labelled ‘New Mission’.
SKIP
If Muldrake has given us a “mission”, which I’m not saying is the case, I cannot tell you before the rest of the team. It would be favoritism and that’s a line I--
MCGRATH
This bag is Chile Limon Funyuns.
SKIP
We have a mission.
SFX - SKIP TEARS OPEN THE FUNYUNS AND STARTS MUNCHIN’
MCGRATH
So where are we off to, a hog calling contest in Nebraska? Gimme some of those...(starts eating)
SKIP (mouth stuffed)
Swi-uh-und.
MCGRATH (mouth stuffed)
Whuh?
SKIP (mouth stuffed)
Swi-uh-und.
MCGRATH (mouth stuffed)
What do you mean?
SFX - DOOR OPENS
BOWDEN
Switzerland, here we come!
SKIP
Ha Boe-uhn, ha uh seht.
MCGRATH (spits Funyuns)
SWITZERLAND?!
BOWDEN
Chile limon Funyuns. A harsh mistress indeed.
MCGRATH
You can’t play favorites with me but you can tell C-list Chris Pine we’ve got a mission?
SKIP
I had no choice but to tell Bowden, he had preparations to make.
BOWDEN
It took some finagling, you know how Quentin can be...
MCGRATH
I sure do. I was Uma Thurman for a weekend back in my crime days.
BOWDEN
... but he graciously agreed to postpone our meeting.
MCGRATH
Switzerland? For real? Did no one tell Muldrake that our upper range of ‘exotic’ is Butte, Montana?
BOWDEN
Ours is not to question why, McGrath, ours is but to do, die, and book business class for beaucoup Amex points!
SFX - THE DOOR OPENS
GLORIA
Good morning, fellow agents for hire. That doesn’t sound right. What’s cookin’, dudes and dudette? UGH that was worse! Top o the morning to ya, leprechauns! OH FIDDLESTICKS!
SKIP
Are Funyuns hallucinogenic now?
GLORIA
For two years, it was perfectly clear how to address everyone in this room. But in this bizarre post-EMF world, where old allies have become new enemies and old enemies hold the promise of new intrigue...
BOWDEN
You’ve been spending a lot of time with Jambo.
GLORIA
I’m... not sure who we are now.
SKIP
Gloria, everything may be different. But in other ways, everything’s the same. While in still other ways, more different. But in some ways those more different things are--
MCGRATH
What’s the mission, Aristotle?
SKIP
Right! Just let me set up...
GLORIA
Bowden, I saw your name in Variety.
BOWDEN
Oh? You still read it?
GLORIA
Well, that subscription was my birthday present, it didn’t feel right to cancel. You’re up for the new Tarantino film?
BOWDEN
I don’t want to jinx anything...
GLORIA
Of course. It sounds... intriguing.
BOWDEN
Yes, he said he’s always wanted to try his hand at this franchise, and that ‘Once Upon a Time on Tatooine’ could be his most personal work--
SKIP
OK, all set!
SFX - CLICK
MCGRATH
I can’t believe that slide projector survived the total destruction of EMF headquarters.
GLORIA
EMF slide projectors were made by the same department that built the Camp David safe house.
SKIP
(Clears throat)
SFX - VARIOUS ‘SORRY’S, THEN A CLICK.
MCGRATH
Ooooh. Shiny.
SKIP
You’re looking at the Quelimane Star, an undersea diamond found last year off the coast of Mozambique. Two weeks ago, it was purchased at auction by...
SFX - CLICK
MCGRATH
UGH! THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!
GLORIA
That’s Phillipe Saint-Renoir, the billionaire tech genius!
MCGRATH
You mispronounced ‘galloping asshat’.
BOWDEN
You know Phillipe Saint-Renoir?
MCGRATH
I know of him. He made his fortune reselling programs from independent software developers to massive corporations. He’s never made a penny off an original thought.
SKIP
No, but he’s made four hundred billion pennies in all. And last weekend, he bid two hundred million of them on the Quelimane Star. This weekend, Saint-Renoir will be here--
SFX - CLICK, FOLLOWED BY GASPS
SKIP
-- “Les Portail vers les Cieux” in Lucerne, Switzerland. The most exclusive ski resort on the planet.
BOWDEN
That’s the place that turned down the Winter Olympics for not being high profile enough!
SKIP
Thirty-seven ski lifts, eight Michelin star restaurants, a figure skating academy taught by Peggy Fleming, and nightly entertainment ranging from Andrea Bocelli to Elvis Presley.
MCGRATH
You mean an Elvis impersonator?
SKIP
I said what I said. This weekend, Saint-Renoir has booked his favorite suite at Les Portail. This, plus the purchase of the diamond, leads the society pages to surmise that he plans to propose his longtime girlfriend, Belle.
BOWDEN
Does Belle not have a headshot?
GLORIA
Or surname?
SKIP
Saint-Renoir shields her from the press very carefully. No one knows her full name and no known pictures of her exist.
MCGRATH
Is this a mission or a travelogue? What’s the problem?
SKIP
What you’re about to hear was captured by the NSA twelve hours ago off of a European Oceanologist Discord channel.
SFX - STATIC AND GARBLED ITALIAN, BUT WE CAN MAKE OUT...
GARBLED ITALIAN RECORDING
(STATIC)--ano è rubare il diamante a mezz--(STATIC)
MCGRATH
Where’s the NSA hiring their audio techs, Fiver? I’ve sold cleaner tracks than that to TMZ.
BOWDEN
Um. Not of... anyone here... right?
MCGRATH
Nah. I used to hack Alec Baldwin’s voicemails for beer money.
GLORIA
It’s been a while since my language training but that sounded like ‘rubare il diamante’...
SKIP
Which translates to ‘steal the diamond’. And I’ll give you three guesses where the speaker’s IP address is located.
EVERYONE ALL AT ONCE
Lucerne.
SKIP
OK, you only needed one. We don’t know the Oceanologists’ reasons for wanting the Quelimane Star. It could simply be for the money, but the diamond’s size and hardness make it ideal for use in a high-powered laser. Mister Muldrake wants to ensure the Star does not fall into Oceanologist hands. So it’s on to ‘Operation Swiss Watch’!
SFX - BINDERS BEING OPENED
BOWDEN
Ooh, are these the new Mead Five-Stars with spiral lock wiring? They’re a special this month on the American Express points site.
GLORIA
What’s this sudden obsession with credit card points?
BOWDEN
I spent most of the winter on location. I learned the wonders of a points based economy.
SKIP
If you will all open to page one...
SFX - A WHOOSHING/RUSTLING OF PAPER, SHOUTS OF SURPRISE
GLORIA
The notebooks are attacking!
SKIP
Nothing to be alarmed about. Each notebook begins with a pop-up detailing the layout of ‘Les Portail’ and its grounds.
MCGRATH
You cut out the entire hotel in pop-up form? Four times?
GLORIA
There are tables in the restaurants... and a little bar!
BOWDEN
Is this really the carpet pattern?
SKIP
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. Now please turn to page two, where you’ll each find your personalized cover identity!
MCGRATH
All fifteen pages of it...
BOWDEN
This is Dustin Hoffman level.
SKIP
I just want each of you to know the ins and outs of your covers. Let’s go around the room!
MCGRATH
Let’s see, I’m Maggie Vanderhoople, international travel blogger. OK. It’s a silly name, I feel grounded.
GLORIA
Wilma Fenstermaker, US State Department Envoy.
BOWDEN
Henri Beaudelaire, INTERPOL agent specializing in cases of jewel theft. Oui oui!
SKIP
Bowden, your cover will spark rumors that a jewel thief may be present in the hotel. That should lead Saint-Renoir to keep the Quelimane Star on him at all times.
SKIP
And I’ll be Massimo Maschile, a new --
MCGRATH (laughs)
Is your phone still on translate mode? MASSIMO MASCHILE.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Maximum Masculine.
SKIP
A perfectly valid Italian name.
MCGRATH
If you’re Dave Bautista giving Dwayne Johnson a piggyback ride.
BOWDEN
That happened once when Marvel was pre-vizzing a Guardians of the Galaxy/Fast and the Furious crossover.
SKIP
Massimo is a new maintenance worker on ski lift detail. Between our covers as a diplomat, law enforcement officer, journalist, and staff worker, we will have free run of the hotel. And Gloria will be given the Diplomat’s suite on the same floor as Saint-Renoir.
BOWDEN
So... why is the rest of the notebook just lists of various locations and times?
MCGRATH
One hundred and ninety pages worth?
SKIP
Operation Swiss Watch hinges on three thousand, eight hundred and thirty two precise timings. With the help of an algorithm developed by top social scientists, I’ve calculated Saint-Renoir’s most likely paths over the weekend--
MCGRATH
IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SAVED SIMS GAMES!?!?!
SKIP
I needed all the save slots to run my simulations!
MCGRATH
And to think I gave you Funyuns.
SKIP
If we follow these timings to the second, one of us will be within view of Saint-Renoir at all times. We’ll be able to prevent the Oceanologists from stealing the diamond, and score a victory for...
MCGRATH
Some multi-millionaire who’s got our number. Gloria’s right, everything is differ... Wait. On your pop up of the hotel, what’s this in the lobby?
SKIP
You mean “Les Portail’s” 24-hour sushi bar?
MCGRATH
COME ON GUYS, WHERE’S THE SPIRIT! FOR THE MISSION!
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC INTO A VERY, VERY SWANKY HOTEL LOBBY
CONCIERGE
“Les Portail vers les Cieux”. Yes, Mister Musk’s favorite room is free this weekend. Excellent, we’ll have the spaceman bedsheets ready. Good evening, mademoiselle, welcome to “Les Portail vers les Cieux”.
GLORIA
Good evening, you have a reservation for Wilma Fenstermaker, US State Department.
CONCIERGE
We are always honored to host our American friends. Is your stay with us business or pleasure?
GLORIA
Business, I’m here on my country’s official apology tour.
CONCIERGE
Here is your room key. It also accesses all five health clubs and entitles you to a free session with our perfume sommelier, tanning butler, or sleep concierge.
GLORIA
Wow, this place is swanky.
CONCIERGE
We prefer the phrase “one percent benevolent”. Heh heh heh. My only regret is that, due to a last minute celebrity arrival, we won’t be able to put you in the Diplomat’s Suite.
GLORIA
Say what now?
CONCIERGE
Oh, pardon me just moi moment--bon soir, Monsieur Le Mer!
THE ADMIRAL
Good evening, Francois!
GLORIA (to herself)
That voice, it’s--EEP! (hurried)
SFX: A CRASH AS GLORIA DIVES IN A POTTED PLANT
CONCIERGE
Mademoiselle?
GLORIA
Excuse me, I dropped an earring--in this potted plant!
THE ADMIRAL
I trust the rudder of this palatial resort rests easy in your hand!
CONCIERGE
You are kind to say so!
THE ADMIRAL
Have I received any packages?
CONCIERGE
Oui sir, one hundred parkas fresh from our hotel outfitter! Shall I have them sent to your villa?
THE ADMIRAL
Please do! Be one with the ocean, Francois!
CONCIERGE
Be one with the ocean, monsieur! Heh heh heh. Sur le mer.
GLORIA
Found the earring! Little sucker sure did roll! Oh, by the way, who was that gentleman?
CONCIERGE
Monsieur Louis Le Mer! Organizer of this weekend’s C-7 Summit!
GLORIA
Don’t you mean G-7 Summit?
CONCIERGE
Non non, this is quite different, it is Monsieur Le Mer’s brainchild. Here is le brochure!
GLORIA
The C-7 Summit... oh... oh no!
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC - WE’RE OUTSIDE NEAR VALET PARKING, LOTS OF CARS AND FOOT TRAFFIC
BOWDEN
I haven’t seen this many Ferraris since I did that guest spot on the Magnum PI reboot.
MCGRATH
That show has one Ferrari.
BOWDEN
My Ferrari threshold is low.
GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
Skip this is Gloria, come in! I’m checked in, the state department credentials Zelda got us are working like a charm...
SKIP
Heh heh heh, Operation Swiss Watch is ticking like a...
GLORIA
... but that’s all that’s working!
SKIP
Gloria!? Why are you out here!? It’s two-fifty seven CET, you’re supposed to be in the Diplomat’s Suite!
GLORIA
First, I’m not in the Diplomat’s Suite! I got bumped!
SKIP
They can’t bump a diplomat! That throws off the whole plan!
GLORIA
But that’s the least of our problems--
SKIP
Unlikely!
GLORIA
-- the Admiral is here!
SKIP
Yet true!
MCGRATH
The Admiral?
BOWDEN
He's here?
GLORIA
For some reason he’s ordered a village’s worth of parkas! He’s using an alias! And he’s hosting a convention of international cults!
MCGRATH
I like that you led with ‘parkas’.
SKIP
Let me read this. "Welcome to the First Annual Seven Cults, or C-7 Summit... we will unite seven groups with disparate fanatical beliefs under one banner in the spirit of cooperation with Oceanology... everyone from the Raelists to the Gadgetologists are welcome." Unreal!
BOWDEN
Exactly. How can there be a “first annual” anything! It makes no--
SKIP
All right. The operation is a little off the rails, but now is no time to get discouraged!
MCGRATH
What time is that, surely it’s somewhere in this notebook...
SKIP
We can work around Gloria’s suite, but we have to figure out the Admiral’s play. Gloria, go get settled into your room, then try to get back on your schedule!
GLORIA
Will do!
SKIP
Bowden, it’s time for your snapface.
SFX: SNAPFACE MACHINE PRINTING
SKIP
The plan timeline has you entering the hotel in twenty-seven seconds. Just make sure as many people as possible hear you’re INTERPOL, investigating jewel thefts.
BOWDEN
L’etat, c’est moi!
MCGRATH
Sacre bleu just go!
SKIP
And I’m off, too. Massimo’s first shift starts in ten minutes.
MCGRATH
Great. And I’ll hit my first position at the sushi buffet.
SKIP
Ski Emporium!
MCGRATH
Worth a shot.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION INTO THE LOBBY
BOWDEN
This is Bowden, moving into the checkin queue, on time--
CONCIERGE
Bonjour, monsieur, checking in? Are you here for the C-7 Summit?
BOWDEN (a bit too loud)
No, I am here on official Interpol business. We have reason to believe a crafty jewel thief may--
CONCIERGE
Une moment... Marcel!
MARCEL
Oui, monsieur?
CONCIERGE
Please bring that bell cart to the diplomat’s suite! It has the reel to reel projector and the 35 millimeter print of ‘Death Race 2000’ that Monsieur Tarantino requested.
MARCEL
Tres bon.
BOWDEN
SAY WHO NOW?
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC - WIND, SNOW, AND AN ELECTRIC MOTOR
MAINTENANCE FOREMAN
Hey, Massimo! Massimo Maschile!
SKIP
Mmm? Oh! Sono ma Massimo Maschile!
MAINTENANCE FOREMAN
Benvenuto a bordo! La prima cosa che devi fare è lubrificare le catene degli impianti di risalita. Quindi cambiare l'olio nel motore. Capisce?
SKIP
Sono ma Massimo Maschile!
MAINTENANCE FOREMAN (walking away)
Massimo Maschile. Heh heh heh...
SKIP
All units, this is Skip, I’m in position at Chair Lift A, and my cover is... working perfectly. Are we back on the timeline?
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
This is Maggie Vanderhoople, crossing the lobby towards the ski emporium.
GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
And I’m positioned right outside the curling pavilion and the pet psychic.
SKIP
Bowden, what about you? (a beat) Bowden? Bowden, come in-- Someone’s approaching, Skip out!
SFX - SKIS SWOOSH TO A STOP.
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Mi scusi? Scusi?
SKIP
Umm. Scusi? Si.
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Da che parte torna alla scia dei diamanti?
SKIP
Diamanti?! (efforting an accent) Ah! You are English! I speaka some English. What do you--
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Oh heavens, is my Italian that bad? I didn’t say naughty things about your mother, did I!? Dammit all, Tania, you can’t even ask the way back to the diamond slope--
SKIP
No no no, you’re Italian issa OK...
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Oh thank you. Being British, the slightest chance I’ve offended someone sends me into a whirl. I’m Tania Martin Edwards Bainesbridge, UK national ski team. And I’m having a right mess of a day... Massimo?
SKIP
Si! Si, mi Massimo!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Massimo, I was also wondering, what on Earth is this C-7 summit that’s overtaken the hotel?! They've been wandering the mountains like a herd of piss-drunk mountain goats? OH NO I SAID PISS. Is that offensive? Are you Catholic? Is saying ‘piss’ one of the mortal ones?
SKIP
No, no, miss, issa--
FOREMAN
Massimo! Perché parli con quel ragazzo inglese! Andare al lavoro! Maddona Mia...
SKIP
Si! Si! Si! Si! Massimo Maschile!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
You didn’t understand a word that man just said, did you?
SKIP
(a beat) Peanut butter and pantyhose, si?! (a beat) Darn it Duolingo, I knew that one wasn’t real!
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC INTO THE LOBBY
MCGRATH
OK. Eleven forty six and twelve seconds. Time to move from the hotel bar towards the Pet Yoga studio. I swear, Skip, this is the dumbest plan since you ordered Postmates on Super Bowl Sunday. All these movements at specific timings because a video game AI thinks it knows how Phillip Saint-Renoir is going to move about the--
SAINT-RENOIR
Excuse me, miss--
MCGRATH
AHH! Holy Shark Tank, you’re--
SAINT-RENOIR
Yes, I’m Phillipe Saint-Renoir.
MCGRATH
Wow! The Sims is good!
SAINT-RENOIR
I’m more a Red Dead Redemption man myself, but yes.
MCGRATH
Oh, ha! Of course, yes, I’m... excuse me, I didn’t expect to be surprised by a billionaire.
SAINT-RENOIR
First time at Les Portails, then, you get used to billionaires here. You’re Maggie Vanderhoople, yes?
MCGRATH
Um, stalker much?
SAINT-RENOIR
No, nothing like that. Besides, I’m rich, I contract my stalking out. I just overheard you checking in and recognized the name of my favorite travel bloggess.
MCGRATH
You read my blog?
SAINT-RENOIR
I have ‘Gallivant-erhoople’ on every watch list. Your trip to Costa Rica really inspired me.
MCGRATH
Oh. That’s good, I suppose. (beat) Inspired you to do what? I mean, I know you like to buy up small software companies and spit them out.
SAINT-RENOIR
I donated a million dollars to the charity you visited in San Jose, the one that provides food and bedding to underprivileged children studying mechanical engineering.
MCGRATH
You gave a million dollars to Cots and Three Hots for Tots with Bots?!
SAINT-RENOIR
Listen, I have something I want to talk to you about, are you free for lunch, say, now? At the Sushi bar?
MCGRATH
Oh, you’re good. You’re very good.
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC INTO WINDY SKI SLOPES AND CHANTING
CULT MEMBERS
ONE WITH THE OCEAN/ZEEROX HEAR OUR CALL/ONE WITH THE OCEAN/FREE US ONE AND ALL...
THE ADMIRAL
My faithful extremists, thank you for joining me in the traditional Oceanologist chant of fealty, and for coming in such numbers to the inaugural C-7 summit! As cultists, we may disagree on theology and folklore. While the purity of protesting in the nude feels pure to a Freedomite like Ivan, it sounds like claptrap to an alien worshipping Raelist like Bjorn. But one thing we agree on: it doesn’t matter if you believe in Old Gods, New Gods, No Gods, or Hentai: what matters is that you believe it to an extreme that subsumes all critical thinking! Would anyone else like to lead us in a rousing chant! Ah yes, Jean Paul of the Order of the Solar Temple!
SFX - CHANTING CONTINUES, DOPPLERING OFF, AS WE HEAR THE SWOOSHING OF SKIS AND SOME PANTING APPROACH
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Your story isn’t holding up, "Massimo." This lot seems far more interested in chanting than jewel theft.
SKIP
I swear, I’m trying to prevent that man from stealing a 2.4 million dollar this weekend. Why isn’t he staying closer to his mark? I don’t blame you for not believing me...
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
No, no... for some reason, I do believe you. You’ve got, you know, one of those faces.
SKIP
Frostbitten?
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
If there’s a mystery to solve by following these crackpots, then follow we shall!
SKIP
Wait, you’re offering to help me, Miss Martin-Edwards-Bainesbridge?
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Please, call me Tania. Miss Martin-Edwards-Bainesbridge is my first au pair/current ex second stepmum.
SKIP
But shouldn’t you be training?
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Thirty interminable minutes on a ski lift eight times a day? A few hours as a spy won’t scuttle my season. It'll be fun!
SKIP
You’ve no idea how much I appreciate this.
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
This must be some jewel your man is after, for all this trouble.
SKIP
Let me show you, I just have to dig out my phone--WHOAH--
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Careful, don’t angle you skis down like that you’ll--
SFX - SKIP CRIES OUT - CRASH - CRUNCH - CRACK
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Um... you’ll do that.
SKIP
Was that cracking sound...
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Do you want me to tell you it was your phone shattering into a million pieces... or shall I lie?
SKIP
Lie, please.
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC BACK TO THE HOTEL LOBBY
CONCIERGE (over loudspeaker)
Guests of Les Portails vers les Cieux, our complimentary Cirque de Soleil led fitness class begins in the south atrium in cinque minute...
GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
Mackenzie, do you copy?
MCGRATH
I’m right here, G, where are you?
GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
Turn around.
MCGRATH
Are you by the Champagne Bar or the Armani outlet... wait, I see you, why are you in a housekeeping uniform?
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION
GLORIA
My cover wasn’t going to get me near Saint-Renoir’s room, so I improvised.
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
Does Skip know the new plan?
GLORIA
No, and that’s the problem! I haven’t been able to reach Skip or Bowden for the last hour! Have you had any luck finding Saint-Renoir?
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
I’m having lunch with him, so I think that’s a yes...
GLORIA
What about his girlfriend, Belle?
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
He hasn’t mentioned her. It’s weird. I wonder if she’s holding the diamond, keeping it safe...
GLORIA
I hate to ask, Miss McGrath, but can you keep Saint-Renoir away from his room for about thirty minutes while I search it?
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
Well, I mean... if it’s for the mission--hold on, he’s coming, gotta go, you look good in grey!
SFX - CLICK
GLORIA
Holy... Skip’s off comms, Bowden’s AWOL, and McGrath thinks I look good in this? Operation Swiss Watch is going cuckoo! (as she walks away) And now I made a clock joke, who even am I anymore...
SFX - TRANSITION INTO THE SUSHI BUFFET.
SAINT-RENOIR
So I said hey, your name is Bezos, why don’t you just ‘BEZ’ off!
MCGRATH
(OVERLAUGHS)
SAINT-RENOIR
I wouldn’t have expected a travel blogger to laugh quite so hard at tech genius joke.
MCGRATH
Oh well, I wasn’t always a travel blogger, we all have... pasts.
SAINT-RENOIR
Don’t we, though. So listen. Maggie. There’s another reason I’m happy you’re here...
MCGRATH
Look, I’m more than happy to hang out with you for journalistic purposes, but I’ve got to ask... all the gossip papers said you were coming here this weekend to propose to your girlfriend, Belle.
SAINT-RENOIR
You believe everything you read in the papers?
MCGRATH
That’s not an answer. Where is this mystery lady? Hiding in your suite?
SAINT-RENOIR
No, no... why don’t I show you?
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC INTO A HOTEL HALLWAY
BOWDEN
OK. Here’s his room. Now. How to play this... “Quentin! Fancy meeting you here, first time in Switzerland?” Oh, gag me. Sean Young would think that obvious... “Hey man, you look just like Quentin Tarantino! And I should know, I’m --”
SFX - A HOUSEKEEPING CART ROLLS PAST
HOUSEKEEPER
Excuse-moi, sir, housekeeping coming through!
BOWDEN
Ah, of course, excuse me...Should I fanboy it? “Quentin, I saw Inglorious Basterds so many times I forgot how the war really ended...”
SFX - THE HOUSEKEEPING CART ROLLS PAST. A RADIO BEEPS.
HOTEL OPS HEAD
Gabriella, where are you, over?
HOUSEKEEPER
About to clean Monsieur Saint-Renoir’s suite, why? Over.
HOTEL OPS HEAD
He stopped by the concierge again to remind us not to disturb the small item on his desk -
SFX - HOTEL DOOR CLICKS, CUTTING OFF THE SOUND
BOWDEN
Saint-Renoir’s room is right there... and a small item on his desk sounds like... No. No, stay on target, Montcrief. An actor’s career is all about hard choices, and this is just one of those--
HOUSEKEEPER (muffled through the door)
Excuse-moi! What are you doing in Monsieur Saint-Renoir’s suite?!
GLORIA (muffled through the door)
I can explain!
BOWDEN
Gloria!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION INTO A HOTEL ROOM
GLORIA
I’m Wilma, one of the new housekeepers! And you would be--
HOUSEKEEPER
The only housekeeper Monsieur Saint-Renoir lets clean his room. He doesn’t trust the other staff.
GLORIA
I... can’t imagine why!
HOUSEKEEPER
I’m giving you ten seconds to explain--
BOWDEN
She won’t need ten seconds when I can explain in two. She’s with me. Henri Beaudelaire. INTERPOL.
HOUSEKEEPER
Oh--OH! Monsieur, I am so sorry--
BOWDEN
Miss Fenstermaker and I have reason to believe one of Mist Saint-Renoir’s prized belongings is in grave danger of theft.
GLORIA
That’s right! My apologies, Inspector Beaudelaire--
BOWDEN
No need, Wilma. This most astute head of housekeeping was only doing her job, and I will make certain the hotel knows of her service.
HOUSEKEEPER
Oh, merci, Monsieur.
BOWDEN
Now. Do you know the item of which I speak?
HOUSEKEEPER
Oh, certainly! Give me one moment.
SFX - THE HOUSEKEEPER HEADS OFF INTO AN ADJOINING ROOM.
GLORIA
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! You’re supposed to be in the lobby making guests nervous about their wristwatches!
BOWDEN
Quentin Tarantino is in this hotel!
GLORIA
So? You’ve got a meeting with him next week!
BOWDEN
No, I don’t! He... cast someone else, it just isn’t public yet. But I just need five minutes to win the role back from that Hammer bastard!
GLORIA
Armie Hammer?! Isn’t he cancelled?!
BOWDEN
No, Quentin cast Armie Hammer’s younger brother, Navie!
GLORIA
But... the mission...
BOWDEN
Whose mission? You were completely right, Gloria, everything is different now! This isn’t for country, we’re working for some millionaire on a power trip!
GLORIA
Well. At least I solved one problem in this bizarre post-EMF world. I now know exactly what to call you.
SFX - HOUSEKEEPER REENTERS
HOUSEKEEPER
I cannot take it out of its case, of course, but here it is. You must protect it, it means so much to Monsieur Saint-Renoir.
BOWDEN
But of course. I just need to take a quick look at... this bird’s egg?
SFX - MUSIC TRANSITION TO FOOTSTEPS IN THE MOUNTAIN SNOW
MCGRATH
If I were Belle... I wouldn’t spend... my luxury hotel weekend... so far from... the luxury hotel...
SAINT-RENOIR
She’s only about ten kilometers away now.
MCGRATH
I wish I was a better American, then I wouldn’t know what that meant.
SAINT-RENOIR
But we can probably see her now.
MCGRATH
From here? You like your ladies tall.
SAINT-RENOIR
Miss Vanderhoople, feast your eyes on--Belle!
MCGRATH
Look, I know the French have a weird sense of humor: Jerry Lewis, Daft Punk, baguettes--
SAINT-RENOIR
No joke. You’re looking at B.E.L.L.E.! Biosphere Experimental L’avenire l’Environnement.
MCGRATH
Okay, you’re using your ‘le’s and ‘la’s rather liberally there.
SAINT-RENOIR
I’m a billionaire, I pay people to make my acronyms work.
MCGRATH
So Belle isn’t a woman, she’s a Biosphere?
SAINT-RENOIR
One thousand square kilometers of pristine beauty, including the valley of what was once the Grande Emme River! Seventeen endangered species will thrive in this environment, including twelve fish, the northern bald Ibis, and that bird they keep putting in the clocks...
MCGRATH
Cuckoo?
SAINT-RENOIR
No, it’s actually quite scientifically sound.
MCGRATH
I can’t believe I walked right into that one. And I can’t believe this, either. I always thought you were... cold. Heartless. Mercenary.
SAINT-RENOIR
Most do. But this country has given me so much: cheese, chocolate, yodeling. I just wanted to give something back.
MCGRATH
This must be quite an expense, even for you.
SAINT-RENOIR
I made the purchase as part of a group. My investment was two point four million.
MCGRATH
Huh, that’s the same amount... Wait. What did you pay with?
SFX - TRANSITION - SNOWY MOUNTAINS. SWOOSHING AND PANTING
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Shouldn’t spies be in peak physical condition, Skip... Skip?
SKIP
Please just let me die here in the nice, quiet snow.
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Buck up, soldier! You don’t have her Majesty’s permission to die! Sorry. Grandad was a Royal Marine. Our Sunday roasts were spectacles.
SKIP
Not bad. If Olympic skiing doesn’t work out, you should consider a job in intelligence.
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Don’t tempt me. I hardly ever feel like a real skier anyway, given my specialty...
SKIP
Why, what’s your-- Quiet. Someone’s coming.
CULT MEMBERS (chanting)
OH MIGHTY GODDESS GADGET HACKWRENCH/BRING US YOUR LIGHT/OH MIGHTY GODDESS GADGET HACKWRENCH/BRING US SALVATION!
THE ADMIRAL
Very good, Acolytes! Even a Russian cult that believes God is a character from Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers can be of guidance during these times! CHANT AS WE SNOWSHOE!
CULT MEMBERS
OH MIGHTY GODDESS GADGET HACKWRENCH/BRING US YOUR LIGHT
SFX - A RUMBLING
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE (softly)
Take my hand. And be ready to ski like your life depended on it.
SKIP (softly)
Does it?
SFX - THE RUMBLING SUBSIDES
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE (softly)
Not yet. We got lucky that--
THE ADMIRAL
THE TIME OF CHANTING DRAWS TO AN END! Let us withdraw!
SFX - SWOOSHING AWAY
SKIP
What is going on here!?!? I’m here to prevent that pompous parable preaching prevaricating purveyor of poppycock from stealing a priceless diamond. But he’s gone nowhere near it! Instead he’s out here playing cultist karaoke with a coterie of crackpots chanting cacophonous crap! (SFX - CLANG) OW!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
What is it?
SKIP
I crashed my foot into to something...
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
That looks like a signal beacon. And it’s right where your Admiral was standing when he decided to take his cults and go home.
SKIP
This spot must be important to him... but what could it possibly have to do with a diamond? HECK!! WHY IS INTERNATIONAL SPYCRAFT SO COMPLEX!!
SFX - SKIP'S WORDS ECHO. A BRIEF RUMBLING
SKIP
The mountain rumbled again.
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE (softly)
Because you got loud again. We should make our way back to the hotel. Quietly.
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC TO THE HOTEL LOBBY. GLORIA AND MCGRATH SHOUTING OVER EACH OTHER ON COMMS.
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
This might go better if we weren’t both talking at once.
BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
Agreed. Gloria and I are in the hotel lobby by the virtual reality Lamborghini dealership.
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
And I’m in the lobby by the real Lamborghini dealership.
GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
I see you! Meet us at the Swiss Family Robinson Tree Experience near the aviary!
SFX - SKIP AND TANIA HURRY INTO THE LOBBY STILL WEARING SKIS
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Skip, you need to take the skis off indoors!
SKIP
No time! This is where my Irish step dancing lessons come in handy! Excuse me, pardon me, whoops, hope those weren’t expensive!
GLORIA, MCGRATH, AND BOWDWN
Skip!
SKIP
Everyone! Say hello to--
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Tania Martin Edwards Bainesbridge, UK national ski team!
SKIP
She’s been helping me track the Admiral, and we’ve discovered something amazing!
MCGRATH
So did I!
EVERYONE ALL AT ONCE
The Admiral isn’t after the diamond!/There’s no diamond!/There’s no girlfriend!
MCGRATH
And he's so cool!
(beat)
EVERYONE
Say what now?!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Not to sound judgmental but for spies, you didn't have very good intelligence, did you?!
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
No, they did not.
SKIP
Former Section Chief Anders, what are you doing here?!
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
You left me three messages! An email, a voicemail, and a letter in Japanese calligraphic code!
SKIP
I never -
MCGRATH
Sorry, Skip, I hacked your email. I just had real reservations about your plan and wanted Zelda around.
BOWDEN
Same here. I left that voicemail.
GLORIA
And I never get to use Japanese calligraphic code since the agency shut down! Plus... your plan was a bit convoluted.
SKIP
I only have one thing to say. You were right. I was so wrapped up in proving my strategic chops to Muldrake I didn’t realize I was writing a plan so complicated it’d make Christopher Nolan weep.
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
It got me a free trip to Switzerland, feel free to mistrust Skip all you want.
MCGRATH
But we still have no idea what the Admiral is really up to!
SKIP
Let’s think. What do we know that’s different from what we thought?
GLORIA
We know that Saint-Renoir does not have the diamond.
MCGRATH
He used it to buy the dry river valley at the base of the resort where he’ll launch a biosphere named B.E.L.L.E. He’s going to use it to save seventeen endangered species and make dad jokes.
GLORIA
That explains the precious item in his room! I thought it looked like a northern bald Ibis egg!
BOWDEN
You... did?
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
This Admiral of yours has also been leading his merry band of social outcasts over the slopes, chanting.
SKIP
But what could it all add up to?!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
There’s something my former coach, the great Luciano Rigatoni, used to say...
MCGRATH
Help me translate these legal name change documents?
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
“Non lasciare che il problema ti rompere, rompi il problema!” Don’t let the problem crush you, crush the problem!
SKIP
Crush the problem... Tania, say that again!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
There’s something my former coach--
SKIP
Skip to the Italian, please.
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Non lasciare che il problema ti rompere...
SKIP
Rompere! Gloria, do you still have the NSA recording?
GLORIA
Right here on my phone!
SFX - CLICK...
GARBLED ITALIAN RECORDING
(STATIC)--ano è rompere il diamante a mezz--(STATIC)
SKIP
Slow it down...
GARBLED ITALIAN RECORDING (slower)
--rompere il diamante--
GLORIA
It’s not Rubare, it’s Rompere! It was never ‘steal the diamond’, it was ‘break the diamond’!
SKIP
Tania, that ski run where the Admiral left his beacon: it’s the most difficult at the hotel?
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Oh it’s a killer! The downhill specialists live in terror of it!
SKIP
And what’s another name for a difficult ski slope?
EVERYONE ALL AT ONCE
Black diamond!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION - GENERAL CHATTER OF ASSEMBLED CULTISTS. OUTSIDE.
THE ADMIRAL
LADIES, GENTLEMEN, AND OTHER, your attention please! I would like you all to join me in a singalong, here at the base of the mountain! Every chant we learned during our glorious mountain trek! Come on!
SFX - THE CULTISTS SING.
THE ADMIRAL
Now you all keep singing while I see to the screening’s preparations... yes, you all stay here... right here...
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE MOUNTAINSIDE, WE HEAR THE SAME SINGING BUT NOW COMING THROUGH SOME SORT OF SPEAKER. NOW SWOOSHING AND PANTING
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Now it’s my turn to ask you to slow down!
SKIP
No time to waste, Tania... do you hear that!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
It’s singing... and it’s coming from that beacon the Admiral left!
SKIP
It’s not a beacon, it’s a speaker!
SFX - THE MUSIC GROWS SIGNIFICANTLY LOUDER. THE MOUNTAIN BEGINS TO RUMBLE
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
He’s triggering an avalanche!
SKIP
McGrath, come in! We were right! The Admiral has planted a device to trigger an avalanche! He’s trying to break the black diamond!
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
If he brings that mountain down, the runoff will crush the valley--
GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
That’s where he left all of the C-7 attendees!
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS (OVER COMMS)
He’s trying to wipe out all of Oceanology’s rival cults!
BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
There’s a lot more people than just the C-7 attendees in that valley, he’ll kill thousands!
MCGRATH
And destroy B.E.L.L.E.!
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS (OVER COMMS)
We’ve got to warn the hotel!
SKIP
No! It’ll take too long, I’ve got to get this speaker off the mountain!
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS (OVER COMMS)
There’s no time--
SKIP
Not if I delay!
SFX - GRUNTING IN EXERTION
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
There’s got to be a better way!
SKIP
Most certainly, but this is the best plan we’ve got right now!
(SFX - CLICKS OFF COMMS)
So is there a trick to downhill skiing?
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
Nope! Aim your skis that way!
SFX - TANIA AND SKIP SCREAM AS THEY BEGIN DOWN THE BLACK DIAMOND SLOPE, CARRYING THE SPEAKER BROADCASTING THE CULT’S CHANTS. QUICK TRANSITION TO A HOTEL ROOM.
MCGRATH
Dammit, he switched us off!
GLORIA
We’ve got to help Skip!
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
We’d need top of the line gear to reach him in time.
BOWDEN
This hotel has no fewer than twenty seven winter outfitting and high end electronics outlets in its east wing alone. AND EVERY ONE OF THEM OFFERS TRIPLE AMERICAN EXPRESS POINTS!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE MOUNTAIN - SWOOSHING AIR, WIND WHIPPING CLOTHING, AND CHANTING CULT MEMBERS
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
IT’S WORKING! WE JUST HAVE TO KEEP FROM CRASHING INTO THE TREES!
SKIP
ANY ADVICE?
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
IF YOU SEE A TREE, TURN!
SKIP
We’re running out of time!
SFX - A HELICOPTER ROARS OVER THE SKI JUMP.
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
WHO IS THAT NOW!
SKIP
Great Caesar’s Ghost, that’s McGrath waving from the cargo bay!
(SFX - CLICK)
WHERE DID YOU GUYS GET A BLACKHAWK HELICOPTER!?!?!
BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
POINTS, BABY! POINTS!
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS (OVER COMMS)
Did you recover the speaker?
SKIP
Yes, but we need a faster way to get it off the mountain!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
WE’VE GOT ONE! GRAB HOLD OF MY ARM!
SKIP
OK, WHOAH! WE’RE TURNING!
SFX - THEY CRASH THROUGH A GATE
SKI-JUMP ATTENDANT
Hey, you two, that’s the ski jump!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
IT’S FINE! TANIA MARTIN EDWARDS BAINESBRIDGE, UK SKI JUMPER!
SKIP
HOLY WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS!
SFX - WHOOSH - THEY START DOWN THE SKI JUMP
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS (OVER COMMS)
I’ll position the chopper at the end of the ramp!
GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
I’m dropping a rope!
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
You get one shot at this!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
OK, SKIP, DO AS I DO! KNEES BENT!
SKIP
KNEES BENT!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
ARMS LOOSE!
SKIP
ARMS LOOSE!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
SPHINCTER LOCKED!
SKIP
WAY AHEAD OF YOU!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
AND WHEN I SAY EXTEND... EXTEND!
SFX - THE WHOOSHING DROPS AWAY, SKIP AND TANIA SOAR THROUGH THE AIR - AND THEN WE HEAR A ROPE TWANG
GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
AND GRANGER STICKS THE LANDING!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
YOU DID IT, SKIP!
SKIP
I’VE DONE NOTHING TILL I’M SIPPING HOT CHOCOLATE IN A SUMPTUOUS ROBE!
MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
The judge’s scores: TEN, TEN, AND A FIVE POINT FOUR FROM THE RUSSIAN!
TANIA MARTIN-EDWARDS-BAINESBRIDGE
They do know ski jumping isn’t a scored event? Right?
SKIP
Let’s just give them this moment.
MUSIC: END THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. This episode was written by John Dowgin and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.
It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice. Also Starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, JIll Ivey as the Housekeeper, and Bob Killion as The Admiral
Guest Starring Eric Werner as Balthazar Montcrief, Kirsty Woolven as Tania Martin-Edwards-Bainbridge and Tage Das as Phillipe Saint Renior
Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry.
Mission Rejected is produced through the support of Patreon members. For as little as $1 a month you can contribute to the production of the show and receive early access to episodes, behind the scenes info, bonus content, exclusive audios and more. Find out more at www.patreon.com/missionrejected
This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2021 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
MUSIC FADES
SFX - MGRATH LAUGHTING
MCGRATH
Oh, that’s sweet...
BOWDEN
Are you giggling?
MCGRATH
Hmm? Me. No, no, just reading a text from Phillipe.
BOWDEN
You’re still texting with the, ahem, “galloping asshat”?
MCGRATH
Hey, people’s first impressions can be wrong. I’m still talking to you.
BOWDEN
Fair point. Look. Do we really have to do this?
MCGRATH
Look again at your Amex statement.
BOWDEN
One Blackhawk Helicopter, fuel charge, sales tax, OH LORD. That’s Beyonce money. OK. Let’s do it.
MCGRATH
Excellent. (typing) Dear... TMZ. Long time no speak. I have a source with embarrassing Balthazar Montcrief middle school pictures... bidding starts at one million... later... skaters.
BOWDEN
That’s it?
MCGRATH
Capitalism. Foe and friend.
BOWDEN
I should have done this years ago.
MUSIC: STING