Season Two, Episode Twelve: “A VOW TO A KILL”
TRANSCRIPT
INT. EMF - MCGRATH’S APARTMENT CELL
SFX: PACKING TAPE RIPPING
MACKENZIE
OK Skip, you take this box of pillows... and Bowden, can you take this box here?
BOWDEN
OOF! Holy Maggie Smith, what’s in here, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
My server racks. Imagine you’re carrying a box of Obie Awards.
BOWDEN
Ah, precious cargo!
GLORIA
I can’t believe you’re not going to be living at EMF headquarters anymore, Miss McGrath!
MACKENZIE
Prison, Gloria. You mean in prison.
GLORIA
True. I suppose a commute is a small price to pay for freedom.
SKIP
And for having the greatest roommate in the world, am I right!?
MACKENZIE
Skip, don’t make me regret rooming with you before we’re done packing.
SKIP
Roger that. Bowden and I will bring these last boxes to the van. We should have plenty of time to drop everything off and get back in time for Gloria’s promotion ceremony!
SFX: BOWDEN AND SKIP LEAVE
GLORIA
Are you ready?
MACKENZIE
Just about. I could ask the same of you, Agent Ko--
GLORIA
Shh! Not yet! It won’t be official until Section Chief Anders hands over that ID card, all shiny and fresh off the laminatior.
MACKENZIE
Wouldn’t want to jinx that. OK, that’s the last one. Can you give me a minute, Gloria? Believe it or not, I want to say goodbye.
GLORIA
I understand. I’ll warm up Daisy!
SFX: GLORIA LEAVES
MACKENZIE
For an EMF supermax cell converted into an apartment, you were... pretty fairly kinda okay.
SFX: The window to Kristatos's cell slides open.
KRISTATOS
We had some good times, didn’t we, Mackenzie McGrath?
MACKENZIE
UGH. I will NOT miss your creepy voice, Kristatos.
KRISTATOS
So the EMF has finally given you a pardon?
SFX: Another cell window slides open.
BALTHAZAR
Did someone say pardon? I’ve been waiting for WEEKS to hear back from my agent. He knows Scott Baio, and I think we all know who HE knows.
MACKENZIE
Balthazar Montcrief and Kristatos O’Brien. Guilty of murdering my sense of nostalgia.
SFX: A LOW RUMBLING OF MEGACOPTER PROPELLERS
MACKENZIE (CONT’D)
Whoah. Is this an earthquake?
SFX: BOOM! THE EXTERIOR WALLS CRUMBLE. THE MEGACOPTER GROWS THAT MUCH LOUDER.
ATHENA (Over a megaphone)
Hang on tight, dad! It’s busting time!
MACKENZIE
Holy shit! Athena O’Brien!
BALTHAZAR
Now THAT’S an entrance!
KRISTATOS
Look at the size of that megacopter! Being a rock star really does have perks!
ATHENA (Over megaphone)
Fire the pistons, we’re bringing them all in.
LUCKY
Aye, aye!
SFX: GRAPPLING HOOKS FIRE. MCGRATH SCREAMS AS WE TRANSITION TO THE STREET
EXT. EMF HEADQUARTERS
BOWDEN
Skip! I told you to get the insurance on this van!
SKIP
I don’t think U-haul covers aerial attacks, Bowden!
GLORIA
Agent Granger, it’s Athena O’Brien!
SFX: THE MEGACOPTER PULLS THE SUPERMAX AWAY FROM EMF HQ.
ATHENA (Over Megaphone)
Attention EMF. I have just removed the supermax prison from your headquarters.
BOWDEN
She’s kidnapping a building!?!
ATHENA (over Megaphone)
Couldn’t have dear old dad miss my wedding day.
SKIP/BOWDEN/GLORIA
Her what?
ATHENA (over Megaphone)
I sure hope that wasn’t a load bearing prison wing...
SFX - WALLS COLLAPSING
ATHENA
Oops. I guess it was. Look out below!
SFX: ATHENA LAUGHS AS THE EMF’S HQ CRUMBLES.
MUSIC: THE THEME SONG
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents... the backups. Tonight’s episode: “A Vow to a Kill.”
EXT. EMF HEADQUARTERS - LATER
SFX: SIRENS AND FIRE HOSES
BOWDEN
Skip, we’ve been all over the wreckage, there’s no sign of McGrath.
SKIP
That’s something, at least. She must have still been in her cell when Athena airlifted the Supermax.
GLORIA
I never should have left her.
SKIP
This is one scheme of Athena’s you can forgive yourself for not having anticipated, Gloria.
ZELDA
Status report, Agent Granger--
SKIP
Section Chief, Athena O’Brien has stolen our prison wing. That said, we’re EXTREMELY lucky the attack happened when it did. Most of the staff was at Red Lobster for Carlo the bathroom attendant’s birthday lunch. Which I have to admit, I’m a little hurt I wasn’t invited to.
ZELDA
I’m sure it was mostly the support staff, Agent. Those of us in field positions probably weren’t...
SKIP
You’re still wearing your lobster bib.
ZELDA
Ah. Well. Maybe you should tip better. Continue.
SKIP
Mackenzie McGrath is missing, as are Kristatos O’Brien and Balthazar Montcrief. Our underground offices should be intact but the science labs took a major hit. The department heads are salvaging what they can.
SFX: AN ANGRY PENGUIN WADDLES PAST
LEGRANGE
ACK! Peewee! Come back here you phosphorescent penguin!
STUDEBAKER
Here, Karol, shoot him with one of my special cocktails. It should calm him down.
LEGRANGE
Did you save that from your lab, Biff?
STUDEBAKER
Sure, let’s go with that.
DR. PICKLE
Please, he’s frightened! Maybe if I showed him a map of Antarctica!
ZELDA
Dr. Pickle!
DR. PICKLE
Section Chief Anders, hello! Terrible about this... erm, mess.
SKIP
Were your cartography archives damaged?
DR. PICKLE
Oh, hello. Erm, we haven’t been able to reach them, but I keep exact copies of every map at my apartment as a backup.
SKIP
Every single one?
DR. PICKLE
Some women have cats. I have maps.
ZELDA
Alright, this is an Alpha level emergency. I need all available agents in the field.
SKIP
Well, there’s me... and Agent Phillips, who’s missing. Again.
ZELDA
I see another agent right here.
GLORIA
(Gasps)
ZELDA
Your ID Card, Gloria. It’s yours if you want it.
GLORIA
Oh Section Chief! Does it really say...
ZELDA
Field Agent Gloria Kovac.
SKIP
Oh, that ‘fresh off the laminator sheen!
GLORIA
It’s just as beautiful as I expected. Keep it safe for me. I’ll collect it once Miss McGrath is found.
ZELDA
Doctor Pickle!
DR. PICKLE
Hello, yes?
ZELDA
I don’t know much about stealing a prison, but I do know you need someplace to put it. Our first order of business is to find Athena’s secret base fast.
SFX: Someone steps over the rubble.
PRESCOTT
I couldn’t agree more.
ZELDA
Prescott! What are you doing here?!
PRESCOTT
As interdepartmental liaison, it’s my duty to assist the EMF at all times.
FITZ
Plus this facility was on our way home from Red Lobster.
SKIP
Them too? Oh, come on!
PRESCOTT
Dr. Pickle, my team is going to need your services to locate Athena O’Brien.
DR. PICKLE
Oh, erm, I think I’d rather stay and help Agent Granger and his team. If that’s all right with you.
PRESCOTT (Cheery)
It’s not! Agent Fitzpivetz-Lelwellen-Montague-Gwynn here will escort your to our war room.
SFX: FITZ GRABS PICKLE, WHO LETS OUT A STARTLED GASP
ZELDA
Prescott, where do you get off?
PRESCOTT
In the weight room, usually. Take it easy, Zelda, I’ve got this one. Focus on rebuilding your office. Maybe you’ll find your coffee mug.
SFX - His phone rings, he answers.
PRESCOTT
Prescott. Carlo, mi amigo! Happy birthday! So sorry I had to leave, EMF always ruins the fun, am I right? I know he doesn’t tip...
SFX: PRESCOTT WALKS OFF
DR. PICKLE
Chief Anders...
ZELDA
It’s all right, Hermione. Do everything you can to help Prescott and Fitz.
FITZ
Finally, a little respect! Come on, Pickle.
SFX: PICKLE AND FITZ WALK OFF
SKIP
Section Chief, we can’t leave McGrath’s life in the hands of Prescott!
BOWDEN
That trigger happy a-hole won’t think twice about Mackenzie if he has a chance to take out Athena.
GLORIA
We have to do something!
ZELDA
I already have. We don’t need Doctor Pickle to find McGrath.
SFX: A RADAR LIKE BEEPING
GLORIA
What is that?
ZELDA
An early Christmas present from Pat. A CIA tracer in Mackenzie’s bloodstream.
SKIP
She put a tracker in McGrath?!
ZELDA
Slipped it in her coffee when she crashed our anniversary dinner. It’s right at the edge of its three month shelf life, but we’ve still got a lock, for now.
SKIP
We’re about to save McGrath with a governmental tracking device? She is going to have so many mixed feelings about this.
BOWDEN
Now THAT’S a great character study.
ZELDA
We’re not out of the woods here by any means. We may know where Athena took the Supermax, but we have no idea what else we’ll find when we get there.
QUINN
Standard issue supervillain volcano lair.
SFX - GASPS!
QUINN
Very sixties - trap doors, lasers, spinning blades of death, a retractable floor over an active lava pit. And a puma den, if you can believe it.
ZELDA
Agent Corrino! We assumed you were dead!
QUINN
It takes more than a head first plunge into an active volcano to kill me...
BOWDEN
It really shouldn’t!
QUINN
... but that story will have to wait. Chet Phillips is a traitor. He and Athena O’Brien are engaged.
SKIP
I am going to have so much to talk about in therapy this week.
BOWDEN
This won’t be the first wedding I’ve crashed. If I had just been a minute faster, I’d be Mr. Sandy Bullock today.
GLORIA
We know where Athena is and what to expect when we get there. All we need now is to beat Prescott to the punch. Wait. SANDY BULLOCK?
BOWDEN
Oh yes.
ZELDA
Right now we’re three steps ahead of him. Let’s keep it that way.
SKIP
All right, everyone, let’s go rescue McGrath! Wait. Does she really have a puma den?!
QUINN
You think I’d make that up?
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. VOLCANO BASE PRISON CELL
SFX - SOMEONE IS BOUNCING A BASEBALL OFF THE WALL AND CATCHING IT REPEATEDLY
LEX
Excuse me, lady? Do you mind taking your OCD somewhere less audible?
MACKENZIE
Pardon me, generation whine. You need all of your RAM to figure out that bridesmaid’s dress?
LEX
Ugh. Archie, where is the zipper on this monstrosity...
ARCHIE
I’m having enough trouble over here with these ostensibly adjustable trousers. One size fits all my bum.
MACKENZIE
Why are either of you putting on anything? We should be trying to bust out of here. I thought the ‘Gold star team’ would’ve at least known that.
ARCHIE
You think we haven’t tried? We’ve been cooped up here for months. The only way topside is by going along with this cockamamie wedding.
MACKENZIE
This lock doesn’t look THAT complicated. If I could just get to the circuit board...
LEX
Yeah, and then we can like play some Pong.
MACKENZIE
It must save the EMF so much money when you can travel on an under 18 fare.
LEX
You gonna brag about that takedown on Facebook later?
ARCHIE
Ladies, let’s not have a bull and cow!
MACKENZIE
Listen, Harriet the Spy, I was hacking Fortune 500 mainframes while you were still looking for Blue’s third clue.
LEX
In what language? BASIC? JAVA? AARP?
SFX: Door slides open
ATHENA
Behold! The EMF’s sharpest technical minds. Glass ceiling shattering feminist icons. Reduced to bickering children by my genius.
MACKENZIE
Don’t get too high on yourself Athena. Snippy Longstocking and I would have been oil and water under any circumstances.
LEX
Whatever, Grandma, you’re just mad I look in hot this dress.
ATHENA
Deflect all you want. It’s my evil brilliance at work. Right, dad?
KRISTATOS
Athena, I’m so confused... what about your singing career?
ATHENA
Dad, there’s something I have to tell you. I’m... not a singer.
KRISTATOS
But the last time I saw you, you were bouncing and bopping and doing the Britney and it was--
ATHENA
It was not Britney, it was Cardi B’s WAP. Wet Ass--
KRISTATOS
Potato?
ATHENA
I cannot even with you right now! Dad... look around. We’re in a volcano. I have THREE government agents locked in a cell. I was hoping you’d pick up on the clues, but I’m just going to have to come out and say it. Dad - I’m a super villainess. TA DA!
KRISTATOS
But...
ATHENA
I know it’s not what you wanted for me, I know you longed for a normal daughter who’d play with Barbies and become captain of the cheer-leading squad. And I tried, dad, I really did. But those Barbies? They were my first sniveling minions and the cheerleaders were my second. And now... I’ve got a plan that’s going bring the world to its knees!
ARCHIE
Save it for Coronation Street, Athena.
ATHENA
Archie, you are so right. Broadcast media is a huge part of my plan. The entire world is going to watch me getting Chet Phillips to say “I do.”
KRISTATOS
YOU’RE MARRYING CHET PHILLIPS!?!?!
ATHENA
Dad, you’re missing the big picture. I’m going to hijack every. Broadcast. Signal. In. The. World!
MACKENZIE
How is that possible?
LEX
Whatever, seizing over the air media is like so last century.
KRISTATOS
Athena. You are NOT marrying Chet Phillips! I forbid it! He is my arch-nemesis! You have made your point. You are an EXCELLENT super villain.
ATHENA
Super villaness actually
KRISTATOS
Whatever. I would be proud to hand the family business over to you, but NOT as Mrs. Chet Phillips!
ATHENA
Daddy. Relax. I’ve got it all under control.
SFX: Athena and Kris leave, slamming the door as they go.
ARCHIE
That bird is coo-coo for Coco Puffs.
SFX: Mackenzie starts bouncing her ball again.
MACKENZIE
I’ve heard of torture, but forced participation in a wedding in a whole new level of hell. Skip, please find me. Hell, at this point I’d settle for Prescott finding me...
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. PRESCOTT’S WAR ROOM
SFX: GOVERNMENT COMPUTERS BEEP AND BLOOP.
PRESCOTT
Agent Fitzpivetz-Lelwellen-Montague-Gwynn! Is the call ready?
FITZ
Patching them through now, sir.
SFX: SOME DIALING. THREE SCREENS COME TO LIFE.
PRESCOTT
Good afternoon, everyone.
CAPTAIN KIRK
This is Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise and yes, I’ve heard all the jokes.
WHITMIRE
Secretary of Defense Whitmire here. Whaddya say there, J.J.? Let’s, uh, keep this quick, I’ve got a little puttering to do if you know what I mean. I mean golf.
PAT
Interdepartmental Liaison Prescott. It is SO NICE to see you again. You look great. Also, your plan to destroy Athena O’Brien’s secret base is insane.
PRESCOTT
Director Rose-Anders, a coordinated first strike is unquestionably our optimal approach.
PAT
And yet I have questions. You’re asking me to sign off on a plan to bomb, and I quote, ‘an unspecified island stronghold’.
PRESCOTT
It’s nothing we haven’t done before!
WHITMIRE
He’s right, you know. Sort of our thing, really. Very on brand, as the, uh, kids say.
CAPTAIN KIRK
The Enterprise can be in position within three hours.
PAT
Captain, you don’t even know what the position is! If you gentlemen want to sway me, start by eliminating ‘unspecified’ from this equation.
PRESCOTT
Yes, well, to that end, let me introduce Professor Pickle!
SFX - CRASH
DR. PICKLE
Oh. Hello.
WHITMIRE
She sounds like a Clue character.
DR. PICKLE
Oh, erm, it’s DOCTOR Pickle.
WHITMIRE
It was Professor Pickle...in the, eh, foyer...with the, eh...
PRESCOTT
Is your presentation ready?
DR. PICKLE
As it’ll ever be! Which isn’t saying a lot to be honest.
SFX: CHAOS INCREASES AS PICKLE LAYS OUT HER MAPS
DR. PICKLE
Now, only having so much to go on--
SFX-CRASH!
DR. PICKLE
WHOOPS, there goes Micronesia--basically, the direction Athena was flying when our tracking system lost her, I can eliminate the northern hemisphere--
SFX-CRASH!
DR. PICKLE
-- ooh, quite literally in fact!
CAPTAIN KIRK
My God! I had friends in that hemisphere!
PAT
That still leaves half the globe.
PRESCOTT
We’ve narrowed it to the South Pacific.
PAT
So did Rodgers and Hammerstein. I didn’t like it then, either.
SFX: CRASH
DR. PICKLE
Oh. I hope no one needed Tongatapu.
PAT
Prescott, I’m denying your request. You may think I’m doing this because for the last year, you’ve made my wife’s life a living hell. Rest assured, you’re right! Moreover, this security council does NOT authorize nuclear strikes against undisclosed locations when there is no clear and present danger.
PRESCOTT
Director Rose-Anders, I haven’t given you all the details yet. This involves Special Agent Chet Phillips.
PAT
Good Lord, what doesn’t?
WHITMIRE
Sorry there, J.J., but Patty Cakes has a point. As usual. I like a good BOOM as much as the next guy, but I’m going go settle for a bang. Ha Ha. Eh, forget it. See you on the back nine.
SFX: SCREEN OFF.
CAPTAIN KIRK
Mission aborted. The Enterprise will begin its voyage home. Damn it, I wasn’t going to say that this time.
SFX: SCREEN OFF.
PAT
You did your best, J.J. The security council knows you only have national interests in mind. And we know you will abide by our decision. Because if I hear even the faintest whisper that you’re still looking for Athena and her island base, I will have your badge so fast it’ll make your head spin. Hermione, lovely to see you. Come by for bridge one night.
DR. PICKLE
Oh, that would be lovely.
PAT
Byeeee!
SFX: SCREEN OFF.
PRESCOTT
Pickle, you EMF embarrassment, you just cost me the only advantage I had! Now I want you to show me EXACTLY where this island could be and I want you to show me YESTERDAY.
SFX: FITZ RUNS IN
FITZ
Err, Liaison Prescott?
PRESCOTT
Not now, Agent.
FITZ
There’s a call on your secure line--
PRESCOTT
Agent! The fate of the world relies on our finding Athena O’Brien and Chet Phillips, so unless they’re the ones calling, it can WAIT!
FITZ
Chet Phillips IS the one calling.
PRESCOTT
FITZ, PLEASE--- I’m sorry, what?
CHET (On phone)
Heya, J.J.! Is Pat still there? I was going over some archived files, thought she might like to talk about the good ol’ days...
PRESCOTT
Chet, this is hardly the...
CHET (on phone)
Shoot the breeze about some cases... like Operation Hestia.
FITZ
Operation what?
CHET (on phone)
Should I tell him, J.J, or do you want to do the honors?
PRESCOTT
I’ve never heard of an Operation... what was it? Hestia?
CHET (on phone)
Oh. OK. Solid. So then you won’t mind if I tell Pat what Athena and I know about it.
PRESCOTT
What do you want, Phillips?
CHET (on phone)
You. At my wedding. In twelve hours. Here come the coordinates. Don’t keep was waiting, liaison.
SFX - CLICK
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. CARGO PLANE
SFX: THE WHIRR OF THE PLANE
GLORIA
Like this?
QUINN
Keep an eye on your altimeter. Any higher and radar will be able to track us.
GLORIA
Got it. Wow. It’s quite the honor to be flying with the legendary Quinn Corrino.
QUINN
Heh.
GLORIA
I mean, you’re just... your name comes up in case studies at least three times a week during--
QUINN
Watch your airspeed. I’m going to go check some of the hydraulics. I can’t believe this was the plane we stole.
GLORIA
Well, FedEx wasn’t likely to miss a grounded delivery plane. Plus it’s good cover.
QUINN
Yeah. A FedEx plane coming in hot under radar. It’d fool anyone. Just watch the instruments.
SFX: QUINN STORMS OUT WITH A HUFF
GLORIA
Um... ok... I’ve never flown a plane before and your our only certified pilot, but sure, leave me here alone, I can manage!
ZELDA
Time to triple check those chutes. We’re homing in on the signal.
BOWDEN
Rodger that, Zel.
SKIP
It is impressive that McGrath’s tracker stayed live for three whole months.
ZELDA
One thing I’ve always envied about Pat is her access to the CIA’s scientific resources. She’s got Nobel laureates in her lab while I’m stuck with Studebaker and...
SFX: STATIC BURST AS A RADIO COMES ON
DR. PICKLE (over radio)
...Doctor Pickle!...
ZELDA
Yes, exactly. Wait--
DR. PICKLE (over radio)
This is Doctor Hermione Pickle hailing Skip Granger--
SKIP
Doctor Pickle, this is Skip Granger, are you with Prescott?
DR. PICKLE (over radio)
No, I slipped away from him and I’m calling from Red Lobster. Did you know it’s Carlo’s birthday?
SKIP (Sigh)
Yes.
DR. PICKLE (Over radio)
Listen! J.J. Prescott is currently on board a B-52 stratofortress and he’s headed your way!
SKIP
A stratofortress?!
ZELDA
Hermione, did you do what I asked?
DR. PICKLE (over radio)
Oh, yes! I managed to put a bug on Liaison Prescott. I pretended to trip over a map of Disney California Adventure and fell right into him. I’ll patch you through.
PRESCOTT (over radio, distant)
Keep her nice and steady, Fitz.
FITZ (over radio, distant)
Uhhh, Liaison Prescott, I’m picking up another plane in the area.
PRESCOTT (over radio, distant)
No call sign... flying low... could be Anders and her stooges...
BOWDEN
How pedestrian! We’re CLEARLY the Marx Brothers.
PRESCOTT (over radio, distant)
Arm the missiles!
DR. PICKLE (over radio, softer)
Well no matter what classic comedy team you resemble, he’s prepared to blast you out of the air!
SKIP
How close are we to the McGrath’s signal, Section Chief?
ZELDA
Close, but I don’t know if we’re close enough--
QUINN
INCOMING TOMCAT MISSILES, 5000 METERS!
ZELDA
Abandon ship!
SKIP
Now?
ZELDA
NOW!
SFX: Zelda pushes Skip out of the plane.
QUINN
GERONIMO!
GLORIA
INOFFENSIVE ALTERNATIVE!
BOWDEN
UNDERRATED WES STUDI PERFORMANCE!
SFX: KER-BLAM!
INT. PRESCOTT’S PLANE
FITZ
A confirmed hit. Whatever plane was transmitting that call sign is on its way to Atlantis.
PRESCOTT
Make sure that incident gets scrubbed from the logs.
FITZ
Yes, sir. (beat) I don’t mean to jump the gun, but if Chief Anders was on that plane, do you think I could be the new Section Chief?
PRESCOTT
Fitz, how do I put this tactfully... Snoop Dogg will be elected Pope before you become a Section Chief. Now. Stay on course. The coordinates Phillips sent are just ahead.
EXT. VOLCANO LIAR - BEACH
SFX: WAVES LAPPING ON THE BEACH. WE HEAR SKIP FALL THROUGH THE SKY AND THEN HE LANDS ON THE SAND WITH A GRUNT
SKIP
A little to the left....a little to the right...YOWCH! OW! SO MANY CRABS! GET OFF ME YOU LITTLE...you snappy little pests!
GLORIA
INCOMING!
SFX: ANOTHER WAVE CRASHES ONTO SHORE. GLORIA LANDS.
GLORIA
Skip! That was amazing! You spotted this island from five miles out and guided your chute right to shore!
SKIP
I went parasailing on a Carnival Cruise once when my harness broke. I know how to expertly guide a chute, as well as how to say ‘Watch our for the crazy flying man’ in four languages.
BOWDEN
Look out below!
SKIP
Achten Sie auf den verrückten fliegenden zircus!
SFX: Bowden lands, crashing into Zelda.
BOWDEN (In pain)
Was anybody filming that? We could go viral.
ZELDA (Getting up)
All right. Status check.
GLORIA
Well... we’re alive.
BOWDEN
Speak for yourself.
ZELDA
We’ve got our lives, but all of our equipment went down with the plane.
SKIP
We can still manage. All we have to do is find Athena’s hideout, gain access, rescue McGrath, stop whatever she and Phillips are up to with their nonsensical nuptials, and find our way out, probably with Athena’s army of killers on our heels. And do it all with no gear.
QUINN
You say that like it’s hard.
SFX: GENERAL SURPRISE
QUINN
For stealth operatives, you all make a ton of noise.
SFX: A PLANE FLIES OVER HEAD, DESCENDING
SKIP
A stratofortress... that must be Prescott coming in for a landing. We don’t have much of a lead time. Let’s get moving, team!
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. VOLCANO LAIR - INTERROGATION ROOM
CHET
This is where we do the bulk of our entertaining. And interrogating. Athena did a nice job wiring the place but I put in the french drain, really makes those bodily fluid cleanups so much easier--
FITZ
Wow, is that porcelain? Nice touch, Agent Phillips!
CHET
Thanks, buddy. Call me Chet.
PRESCOTT
Yes, it’s, um, very impressive.
CHET
It’s OK to say it, JJ.
PRESCOTT
Say what?
CHET
You think I’ve snapped. Lost it. I’m non compos mentia, bonkers, fruit loops...
FITZ
There’s a kangaroo loose in your paddock? You’re four quarters short of a dollar? A log cabin Republican?
CHET
Nice one!
PRESCOTT
Fitz
SFX: DOOR OPENS
ADMIRAL
AHOY THERE! Why, you must be the famous Jericho Jefferson Prescott! Admiral HRR Fletcher, at your service!
PRESCOTT
Phillips, I should have pegged you as bonkers the second you put this guy on your team.
CHET
What do you want, Admiral? I thought you had to get ready for the ceremony.
ADMIRAL
Oh, well, now that Hollywood A-lister Balthazar Montcrief is here, Athena thought HE should perform the wedding. Better for the ratings.
FITZ
Balthazar Montcrief! Oh boy! I loved the Lord Nero movie!
CHET
ME TOO! Well, why don’t you go enjoy a private screening? In one of our cells.
SFX: Chet snaps his fingers a group of guards drag Fitz away.
FEMALE GOON
Come on, you're coming with me. Come on.
FITZ
Wait! Sir! Sir? A little help here? J.J.? OH COME ON!
SFX ; THE DOORS CLOSE
CHET
Interesting company you’re keeping nowadays, J.J.
PRESCOTT
You’re one to talk. Your inner circle is a cult leader and your girlfriend is a ruthless killer.
CHET
Fiancee.
ADMIRAL
Well, now, he does make a point, Mr. Doe. I’m mad as a hatter, but even I can see Athena is leaving quite a trail of bodies. Agent Corrino, Pebble, everyone on my cruise ship, Agents Kenny and Anastasia...
CHET
Kenny and Anastasia?
ADMIRAL
Oh, have you not figured that out yet? It was Athena’s idea to murder your colleagues and send you running right into our waiting arms. Been a bit of a dangling thread, really.
CHET (Uncertain)
People have met under stranger circumstances.
PRESCOTT
You don’t sound so sure, Chet. Where’s the old unflappable confidence now?
ADMIRAL
Oh, before I forget, Mr. Doe. The director asked me to get this lapel mic on you so the world can hear your heartfelt vows. Can’t have any issues with the big broadcast!
CHET
THE WEDDING.
ADMIRAL
Po-tay-to, to-may-to, Mr. Doe. There you go. Testing, testing, one two three.
CHET
Will you just leave it alone?
ADMIRAL
Ahhh, pre-wedding jitters! You get over them after your fourth or fifth marriage. Well, see you out there, Mr. Doe.
SFX: THE ADMIRAL LEAVES, WHISTLING THE FUNERAL MARCH
PRESCOTT
All right. We’re alone. Cut the crap and tell me what you know about Operation Hestia. It’s the only reason I haven’t blown this island to kingdom come.
CHET
Just like you did Athena’s mother.
PRESCOTT (Stunned)
How did ... I SCRUBBED that mission from the records.
CHET
Computer records. But physical ones? Not all of them.
SFX: CHET PRODUCES A FOLDER
PRESCOTT
Hand over that file and we can all walk away happy.
CHET
Oh, J.J. You are in no position to bargain. Here.
PRESCOTT
What do I need a laptop for?
CHET
I want you to log into your interdepartmental data network.
PRESCOTT
You know I can’t do that remotely.
CHET
Actually, I know you can. Through that back door you made Lex install in EMF network security. The one you don’t think anyone knows about.
PRESCOTT
Forget it. I’m not giving you access to every networked intelligence agency’s secure data center.
CHET
OK. I’ll just fax this file over to your old friend Pat--
PRESCOTT
ALL RIGHT. Give it here.
SFX: KEYSTROKES
PRESCOTT
Authorization Alpha Omega Eight. Execute.
COMPUTER VOICE
Welcome, JJ Prescott. How can I help you?
PRESCOTT
Computer, transfer network control of this station to Chet Phillips.
COMPUTER VOICE
Do you wish to execute this transfer?
PRESCOTT
I do.
SFX: BEEP!
COMPUTER VOICE
Transfer complete. Welcome, Chet Phillips.
CHET
Well done, J.J. Here you go.
SFX: Chet tosses the file to Prescott. He rifles through the pages.
PRESCOTT (A pause)
What? These are all Garfield comics? There’s NOTHING in here!
CHET
Garfield Minus Garfield comics! So it’s technically less than nothing!
PRESCOTT
But... you said, Operation Hestia, you knew the name--
CHET
And nothing else. See, when a little girl sees government agents gun down her mother, then hears them say ‘Abort Operation Hestia’ as they withdraw, it sticks with her.
PRESCOTT
I mean, she was like nineteen.
CHET
Guards, this is Ms. O’Brien’s wedding present. Her mother’s killer.
PRESCOTT
Prescott, listen to me, her mother was never supposed to be--
SFX: A TASER. JJ GOES DOWN.
CHET
Put a bow on him, and handle him with care. More or less.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. VOLCANO BASE - PRISON CELL
SFX: MCGRATH’S BASEBALL BOUNCING. WE ALSO HEAR BALLROOM MUSIC, AND THEN A ZAP!
LEX
OUCH! Archie, you have like THREE left feet.
ARCHIE
It wasn’t me that time, it was you!
ROBOT DANCE INSTRUCTOR
Reminder: missteps during the first dance are punishable by DEATH.
MACKENZIE
I’ve been watching this for an hour now, believe me, it’s BOTH your faults.
MUSIC: A jazzy drum beat.
ROBOT DANCE INSTRUCTOR
Please repeat the steps. The wedding begins in -- one -- hour.
LEX
All right, Archie, try not to get us shocked again-- one two three, two two three, three two three-
QUINN
FORE!
SFX: SMACK! AN EXPLOSION! THE ROBOT DANCE INSTRUCTOR FALLS
ROBOT DANCE INSTRUCTOR (shorting out)
That... was outside... protocol--
MACKENZIE
Skip! Gloria! Bowden!
LEX
Quinn!
QUINN
Lex! Archie!
BOWDEN
Archie Grant? Ugh, not this two bit con man.
ARCHIE
Well, if it isn’t community theater’s gift to the spy game - Bowden Montcrief! And blimey, Section Chief Anders!
ZELDA
Archie. Miss Hammond.
ARCHIE
How did you find us?!
SKIP
Zelda’s wife, Pat, put a tracker in McGrath’s bloodstream three months ago after she crashed her anniversary dinner.
MACKENZIE
Pat BUGGED me?? Sweet, lovely, caring, mashed potato maven Pat?
SKIP
Sweet, lovely, caring, Director of the CIA Pat.
MACKENZIE
Whaaaat?
ZELDA
I know. She’s a keeper.
MACKENZIE
I can’t be mad. I want to. But I can’t be mad. Oh she is GOOD.
SKIP
What have you learned, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Chet Phillips and Athena O’Brien are getting married.
LEX
And she’s going to make sure the entire world sees it--
ARCHIE
--by hijacking every television signal on the planet!
SKIP
Every signal on the planet?! That’s too big an undertaking not to be central to some terrible plan.
BOWDEN
So wanting everyone in the world watching you on TV is...BAD? Asking for a friend.
SKIP
We may not be able to stop the wedding, but we have to stop this broadcast. It won’t be easy.
ZELDA
One silver lining. We’ve got two of everything at our disposal. Two actors...
BOWDEN / ARCHIE
You mean a con man! Oh no, no...
ZELDA
Two technology wizards...
MCGRATH / LEX
I don't think so.
ZELDA
And two hardened jacks of all trades.
QUINN
Working on a team doesn't seem to be my thing.
GLORIA
What is your problem, lady?
SKIP
STOP! You should all be ashamed of yourselves. A supervillain the likes of which we’ve never faced is planning something momentous. We don’t know what she hopes to gain, or how we can even begin to stop her. And here you are wasting precious time on petty squabbling. Put aside your differences. There’s work to do.
MACKENZIE
We’re with you, Skip. Right, Lex?
LEX
OK, Mom Jeans.
BOWDEN
I’m sorry. Whatever my...colleague from across the pond and I can do, we’re ready.
ARCHIE
‘Ere ‘ere.
GLORIA
Hardened or not, I’m in. We all are.
QUINN
Fine. Whatever.
ZELDA
That’s more like it. Agent Granger. Now, what’s the plan?
SKIP
I thought you’d never ask. Gloria?
GLORIA
I'm on it!
SFX - CLICK
ZELDA
That portable projector is the best thing to come out of the EMF labs.
SKIP
With Agent Corrino’s help, I was able to draw this map of the complex.
SFX: Skip advances the slides
SKIP
McGrath, see the positions of the transmission towers and the electrical generators?
MACKENZIE
Yeah... yeah, I see it... splitting the distance between them means that must be the broadcast room.
SFX: Projector off.
SKIP
You and Lex will infiltrate it find some way to block Athena’s broadcast.
LEX
Okay, Boomer. One problem.
SKIP
How old do you think I am?
LEX
Like, Athena will notice I’m not in the wedding.
SKIP
Not once McGrath snapfaces you...
LEX
She what?
(SFX - SNAPFACE)
OW THAT’S BRIGHT!
SKIP
And once Bowden has had time to learn your dance moves.
ARCHIE
How light on your feet are you?
SFX: BOWDEN TAP DANCES.
MACKENZIE
Really? You brought your tap shoes?
GLORIA
Were you wearing those the whole time?
BOWDEN
I made it to the third callback for Sean Spicer’s body double on Dancing with the Stars.
SKIP
McGrath we’ll need some sort of listening device planted somewhere on Archie and/or Bowden.
MACKENZIE
No problem. Where’s your gear?
SKIP
That depends. How fast do listening devices sink to the bottom of the ocean?
MACKENZIE
Why did I even ask? Maybe I can fashion something from the parts of this robot dance instructor. It might not be pretty and it might not be small, but it’ll work.
SKIP
You’ll figure it out. Next up. Quinn, you remember this natural ridge in the volcano you spotted?
QUINN
The one encircling the base?
SKIP
That’s it. You and Gloria will make your way up there and give us the birds eye view of the compound. Regular reports on who’s coming, who’s going, and how. Might give us some insight into Athena’s endgame.
MACKENZIE
You can also give me and Lex and the high sign if anyone is headed our way.
ZELDA
And where does that leave us?
SKIP
We have to try and intercept Prescott. Section Chief... let’s talk about your wife.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. VOLCANO BASE - WEDDING VENUE
SFX: WEDDING PREPARATIONS. CONTROLLED CHAOS.
CHAD VALERIAN
We’re thirty minutes from here comes the bride, people, let’s see some urgency! More key light here. Good, good... stop, too much, it’s a wedding, not surgery!
LUCKY
Excuse me, you’re our broadcast coordinator Chad Valerian, right?
CHAD VALERIAN
Executive Producer!
LUCKY
Alright, alright. Don’t get your Underoos in a twist. Just making sure everything’s on schedule.
CHAD VALERIAN
Hey, you didn’t lure me away from Universal with seven figures just to half ass the big production.
LUCKY
Didn’t they can you after the Canadians stole your superhero film?
CHAD VALERIAN
Po-tah-to, to-mah-to. All that matters now you that you’re going to get the highest quality wedding broadcast ever to come out of a volcano hideout.
LUCKY
Good.
CHAD VALERIAN
I’d like to get a few shots of you and the rest of the staff. You know, show she’s not just a super villain, she’s a--WHOAH. Who’s that tall drink of water?
LUCKY
Archie? Yeah, that’s one of the boss’s idiot prisoners. Easy on the eyes but damned if I can understand anything he says. I don’t speak New Zealandish.
CHAD VALERIAN
Not him... her.
LEX
Um, we were told to report for wedding photos, and, I, like, don’t like to be, like, kept waiting...
LUCKY
Lex?! Are you getting taller? OR AM I GETTING SMALLER? Wait. Did I take mushrooms?
LEX
These high heels that Athena, like, selected, are, like...spiky.
LUCKY
Six feet tall spiky? You were five-two an hour ago!
LEX
Like, easy with the female gaze. Gross.
LUCKY
Okay, okay, excuse me for living!
CHAD VALERIAN
Don’t care for the ladies, eh? Good news for me. I’m just going to slip you a business card with one number printed on the front and a second scribbled on the back...
LUCKY
Leave it in your pants, lover boy, we’ve got a wedding to broadcast.
CHAD VALERIAN
I was only tucking in my shirt!
ARCHIE (softly)
I have to admit, you’re cutting a rug in that get up.
BOWDEN (softly)
It’s not a get up, it’s a costume. Something required to fully inhabit a character, something I wouldn’t expect a low rent Limey con-man to appreciate.
ARCHIE (softly)
Tough talk from a bird in 12 inch heels.
INT. VOLCANO BASE - ELSEWHERE
ZELDA
How are Archie and Bowden getting on?
SKIP
Bowden’s dress was very...form fitting. McGrath had to stick the listening device in his fake high heels. Let’s give a listen.
BOWDEN (over comms, soft)
I HAVE AN ACADEMY AWARD--
ARCHIE (over comms, soft)
Yeah, your brother’s--
ZELDA
I can only deal with one insane team at a time.
SKIP
Have some faith, Zelda.
SFX - CLICK, COMMS IS ON
SKIP
McGrath, Lex, status?
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
INT. VOLCANO BASE - BROADCAST ROOM
MACKENZIE
I’m working the last bolt out of the access panel to the broadcast room, Skip...
LEX
You sure you don’t want me to do that? I don’t want you to break a hip or anything...
MACKENZIE
It’s not a hip I’m thinking about breaking right now--
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
EXT. VOLCANO BASE - RIM
QUINN
All clear from vantage alpha. Nobody coming or going. Will advise if anything changes. Corrino out.
GLORIA
I’ve found two more vantages to the east. If we stagger our rotations we’ll be able to cover the whole compound while staying clear of the guard towers.
QUINN
Fine. I’ll head there and you start here.
GLORIA
We make a pretty good team, don’t we?
QUINN
You’re a capable agent. Certainly the easiest of your goof troop to tolerate. That’s a hell of a hazing you got, having to do my squad’s hand-me-downs. You should be picking your own missions from here on out.
GLORIA
I didn’t mind the missions... not with the team.
QUINN
(Scoffs) Right. First rotation time.
GLORIA
Is it? We have another two minutes--
QUINN
Best to start them while we can. I’ll take first watch on the east, you stay here.
GLORIA
All right, well it was a...good talk? Oh.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. VOLCANO BASE - PRISON #2
FITZ
All right, trying again. I spy with my little eye, something that starts with...
PRESCOTT
Bars.
FITZ
Wow, you’re REALLY good at this, sir!
SECURITY GUY
All right, you two. Ready to attend the wedding of the century?
PRESCOTT
Athena still wants me at the wedding?
SECURITY GUY
Absolutely. You’re part of the--
SFX: SKIP LEAPS OUT AND KARATE CHOPS THE GUARD
SKIP
HI-KEEBA!
SFX: THE GUARD GOES DOWN
PRESCOTT
Agent Granger! The best of the best. I’ve always said so.
SKIP
Blow it out your butthole, J.J. When this mission is over, I plan on writing a VERY strongly worded memo about how you TRIED TO BLOW ME UP.
PRESCOTT
If you were in charge, you’d have done the same.
FITZ
I know I would have!
SKIP
We can debate ethics later. We’ve got five minutes to get out of here.
FITZ
What happens in five minutes?
SKIP
The CIA bombs this island into the Paleolithic.
PRESCOTT
What?! Pat never approved that bombing run!
SKIP
After you went dark, Director Rose-Anders presumed you’d been kidnapped by Athena O’Brien.
PRESCOTT
ME? Kidnapped?
FITZ
Well... sir...
SKIP
She had Dr. Pickle calculate the volcano’s location, then approved the bombing run, figuring it was that only way to keep everything you know out of enemy hands!
PRESCOTT
How...forward thinking.
SKIP
So we’ve now got four minutes and--HEY, that’s my new phone, give that back!
PRESCOTT
Wake up, idiot! Four minutes isn’t enough time to get off this island. There’s only one thing to do.
SFX: PRESCOTT DIALS
PAT (over phone)
CIA, this is Pat.
PRESCOTT
This is JJ Prescott, voice verified password Gamma Pi Beta, ordering the immediate cancellation of the bombing run! Hello? Director Rose-Anders, hello! We got cut off!
SKIP
Got it, Chief?
SFX: Zelda steps into the room.
ZELDA
Got it, Granger.
PRESCOTT
Zelda! You have to call your wife NOW, less than three minutes --
ZELDA
Oh, you mean...
SFX: Voice modulator turns on
PAT
CIA, this is Pat.
ZELDA
Never underestimate Mackenzie McGrath. She built this voice modulator from a dance instructor droid.
PRESCOTT
So, there’s no bombing run?
ZELDA
No. But now that you’ve been so kind as to give us your password...
SKIP
... we can see on your phone log that you received a call from this island about the same time we were tracking McGrath here.
ZELDA
So, the question is, J.J., what did Phillips say to you to make you come to this island instead of just blowing it up.
SKIP
And why did you have to eliminate anyone who got in your way?
SFX: ATHENA ENTERS
ATHENA
Tell them, J.J. They might like to know the sad story of Operation Hestia and my mother.
PRESCOTT
O’Brien. How did you know I--
ATHENA
Nice job with the silent alarm, Agent Fitzpizza-Lanscombe-Mountainrange-Gwar! You can come out of your cage now!
PRESCOTT
FITZ?!
FITZ
While you were talking with Agent Phillips, sir, Ms. O’Brien found me and offered me a great new job if I alerted her to any EMF interference.
ZELDA
What job?
FITZ
Duke of New Jersey!
ATHENA
Bring them all up to the surface. Tell the caterer we have a few more guests at the wedding.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. VOLCANO BASE - WEDDING VENUE
SFX: THE CLICKS OF SEVERAL CAMERAS
CHAD VALERIAN
All right, let’s get some publicity stills of the entire bridal party--
ATHENA
BRIDESMAIDS! FALL IN!
CHAD VALERIAN
OK, everybody tighten up...
ATHENA
Closer, girls, closer...
LEX
Um, excuse me, like, you’re stepping on, like, my toes...
ATHENA
CLOSER--
LEX
Athena, no, like--
SFX: CRUNCH! CRACK! SPARK!
CHAD VALERIAN
OK, good... what’s that smell?
ATHENA
Lex’s foot is on fire!
SFX: GENERAL CONSTERNATION AND PANIC
BOWDEN
Ahh! Oh-- wait, um--
LEX
--I mean, like, ow!
ATHENA
What happened to your voice?
ARCHIE
Oh, you know, she’s at that age. Come on Lex, I’ll extinguish your piggies--
SFX: GASPS AS ATHENA PULLS OFF LEX’S MASK
ATHENA
Bowden Montcrief! I should have guessed!
BOWDEN
Oh, really? My physicality and simulated vocal fry were perfect!
ARCHIE
I told you we should have gone with a Scarsdale Shuffle instead.
ATHENA
Guards, seize them!
SFX: GUNS GET RAISED AND COCKED
CHET
Archie, how could you? On my wedding day!
ARCHIE
How could you, Chet? On any day!
ATHENA
Tie ‘em up, guards!
EXT. VOLCANO BASE - RIM
SFX: A PLANE IN THE DISTANCE
QUINN
Is that a Piper coming in... no... a Cessna... looks like the wedding guest are arriving.
GLORIA
Why did you walk away?
QUINN
Kovac! You’re supposed to be at your post--
GLORIA
When I said it wasn’t the missions, it was the team, you just--
QUINN
Teams don’t last, Gloria. Only the missions do. The never ending cycle of jobs, they’re all you really have. You may think otherwise, but then the day comes that... someone doesn’t make it home. Or someone turns. And not only do you have to get over it, you’ve got a millisecond to do it, because the bad guys with guns don’t care one way or the other.
GLORIA
So when Agent Phillips reassembled his team, why did you accept?
QUINN
I thought it would be different. I was wrong. Now let’s go. Someone needs to keep eyes on -
SFX: GUNS RISE AND ARE COCKED
GUARDS
FREEZE!
(SFX - Radio click)
Tell Athena we found two more of them on the perimeter ridge.
QUINN
Good team work, Gloria.
GLORIA
Ah shit.
INT. VOLCANO BASE - BROADCAST ROOM
MACKENZIE
And we’re in.
LEX
Alright, Daria, you hacked that CCTV network pretty quickly.
MACKENZIE
Stick with me kid and you’ll go places. Oh my God is that Bowden?
LEX
OMG, he wears the dress better than I do--
MACKENZIE
LEX, THEY’VE BEEN CAPTURED.
LEX
Bummer. We’d better radio Quinn, she’ll know what to-- oh no, look!
MACKENZIE
They’ve got Gloria and Quinn, too, what the hell is--
SFX - COMMS BEEP
MACKENZIE
Skip, it’s McGrath, where are you?
ATHENA (over comms)
Funny, McGrath, I was going to ask the actually the same question: where are --
SFX: MACKENZIE SWITCHES HER COMMS OFF
MACKENZIE
I don’t know how, but this is your fault.
EXT. VOLCANO BASE - WEDDING VENUE
MUSIC: JAZZY WEDDING MUSIC
CHAD VALERIAN
Camera 4 rolling, Camera 5 pan to the left, 6, keep the aisle in the center--
ARCHIE
Well well, the gang’s all here.
GLORIA
It’s quite a rogues gallery.
BOWDEN
I’ll say. Look at this crowd!
SKIP
There’s Boris Kuznetsov, leader of the Russian Kidnapping consortium!
ARCHIE
And I saw nine of the FBI’s ten most wanted queuing up for the men’s room, where the tenth was working as an attendant.
ZELDA
My God, why is it so hot in here?
QUINN
This metal floor isn’t a floor, it’s a retractable cover separating us from the volcano.
ZELDA
Are you sure?
QUINN
I never forget a volcano I’ve ALREADY FALLEN INTO ONCE.
GLORIA
I shouldn’t have left my post. I don’t deserve my full agency.
SKIP
Nonsense, Gloria, we’ve all dropped the ball today.
ZELDA
Some of us have dropped a ball pit.
PRESCOTT
I don’t recall asking you.
QUINN
Shut up. Listen, are we all chained to these chairs with tri-fold restraints?
GLORIA
Looks like it.
QUINN
If I can figure a way out of these, I’ll send word down the line.
SKIP
Better hurry, Agent Corrino, we’re on the clock.
INT. VOLCANO BASE - BROADCAST BOOTH
SFX: WE HEAR ‘HERE COMES THE BRIDE’ THROUGH THE BROADCAST FEED
MACKENZIE
It won’t take them long to search the complex, we need to figure out how Athena plans to hack the world’s broadcast networks fast.
LEX
Look at all these spliced connections. It’s like a bowl of ramen.
MACKENZIE
How can we cut her off if we can’t even figure out how she’s connected to... hold on. Maybe this isn’t quite as random as it seems.
LEX
What do you mean?
MACKENZIE
I don’t know yet. I just need a little time...
SFX - TRANSITION BACK TO THE VENUE
FITZ
You look so, beautiful, Ms. O’Brien! It would be an honor to walk you down the aisle.
KRISTATOS
Who IS this?
FITZ
I’m the Duke of New Jersey!
ATHENA
Cool your jets, Fitz. My FATHER is walking me down the aisle. Here, go in front of us and throw some rose petals or something.
FITZ
Yes ma’am!
KRISTATOS
This is not the wedding I pictured for you.
ATHENA
It’s exactly the wedding I pictured.
KRISTATOS
Then I accept.
ATHENA
Thanks, Dad.
KRISTATOS
Are you ready, princess?
ATHENA
Yes, I’m ready.
BOWDEN
I’ve been on failed missions before, but never one where I was forced to watch the results.
ARCHIE
Now you know all we all felt watching Acquaintances.
SFX - THE MUSIC ENDS AND SOMEONE STEPS UP TO THE MIC
BOWDEN
At least this can’t get worse.
BALTHAZAR
Dearly beloved--
BOWDEN
GREAT SCOTT!
BALTHAZAR
-- we are gathered today to celebrate the nuptials of Athena O’Brien and Chet Phillips. And before we begin, allow me to say a few words...
ATHENA
Don’t pad your part, Montcrief!
BALTHAZAR
... about Athena.
ATHENA
If you must.
SFX - TRANSITION BACK TO THE BROADCAST BOOTH - IN THE BACKGROUND WE HEAR BALTHAZAR BLATHER ON AND ON ABOUT THE WONDROUSNESS OF ATHENA O’BRIEN
LEX
Unreal. This is on, like, every channel AND streaming service. What’s her endgame? She can’t be, like, simply live-streaming her wedding for funsies. Look how complicated these hacks are, it must have taken days--
MACKENZIE
That’s it! Athena never overtaxes herself. She doesn’t organize a prison breakout, she steals the prison. She doesn’t steal the Deceptionem, she gets Prescott to bring it to her.
LEX
So this mess of network connections is not her jam?
MACKENZIE
Not even close. Meaning that it’s not a mess, it’s cover...
LEX
... for one actual connection...
MACKENZIE
... tapping straight into the trans-pacific cabling. We find that one connection and we cut her off.
LEX
Wait... I see the connection.
MACKENZIE
So do I.
MAKENZIE / LEX
It's the red one / It's the blue one. What?
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE WEDDING
BALTHAZAR
Do you have the rings?
CHET
Got the rings big man?
FITZ
Oh yes, sir! Right here, sir! And each is a BEAUTY.
BALTHAZAR
The bride and groom would like to announce that they have each prepared each other’s vows.
SKIP
Aww, that's actually pretty sweet.
ZELDA
Granger, time and place.
SKIP
Oh. Right.
CHET
Athena O’Brien, from the day I met you, you ruthlessly seized control of my heart. I spent a year and half slipping past your soul's automated computer defenses and your body's trained network of assassins. I think the analogy breaks down a little here, sweetheart, but eh...I told the EMF I was putting in for a transfer to parts unknown (snorts) Parts unknown. I like your parts unknown. And demanded that they station me in enemy territory with the only enemey I'll ever need in this life.
ATHENA
All right, let’s see what you wrote here... “Roses are red, Villainy’s my life, Chet rocks my socks, so now I’m his wife.”
CHET
I went for simple but true.
ATHENA
Delightful.
CHET
Lord Nero, let’s cut to the chase!
BALTHAZAR
Do you, Chet Phillips, take Athena O’Brien to be your lawfully wedded wife?
CHET
I DO.
ATHENA
GREAT. Thanks, Chet, you are a doll.
SFX: COMPUTER BEEP!
CHET
Bwaah?
ATHENA (over the feed)
Everyone watching across the world...I have an announcement.
SFX: BACK TO THE BROADCAST ROOM
LEX
Whatever her plan is, she’s about to spring it.
MACKENZIE
We have to pick a connection, red or blue, and overload it.
LEX
I can’t believe I’m saying this... but, you’re sure it’s the red?
MACKENZIE
I’d bet my life on. Hell, that’s exactly what I am doing.
LEX
Let’s do it. The red one.
SFX: SNIP GOES THE RED WIRE - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE WEDDING VENUE
ATHENA
-- that today is, unquestionably, the happiest day of my life. Because today is the day I obliterate not only the EMF, but the entire worldwide intelligence infrastructure!
SFX: CONFUSION, SOME GASPS
CHET
Athena, what are you--
BALTHAZAR
Quiet, penguin suit, she’s rolling!
ATHENA
You see, Chet gave me a wonderful wedding gift. Control of JJ Prescott’s secret gateway into every secret government database in the world! I’m so glad we mic’d you up, Chetty.
SFX: A QUICK SOUND OF TAPE BEING REWOUND. THE FOLLOWING LINE IS COBBLED TOGETHER FROM CHET’S WEDDING VOWS
CHET’S VOICE
Computer. Transfer. Network. Control. Of. This. Station. To. Athena O’Brien.
COMPUTER VOICE
Do you wish to execute this transfer?
CHET’S VOICE
I DO.
SFX: COMPUTER DING!
CHET
What did you do?
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION TO BROADCAST BOOTH. THE POWER BUILD REACHES A ZENITH
MACKENZIE
That should be enough power, overloading the connection... now!
ATHENA (over comms)
There you have it world!
LEX
Um, she’s still broadcasting.
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION TO THE WEDDING
ATHENA
Now, as my gift to you all, I’m granting everyone across the planet a way to not only log into every intelligence server on the planet, but to copy, delete, or change ANYTHING THEY WANT! It’s all being transmitted on the sub-band of this broadcast, so tuck in! Burn it down, everyone! Burnt it all down!
SFX: THE CROWD CHEERS. QUICK TRANSITION TO BROADCAST BOOTH.
LEX
We crashed the wrong connection! Athena’s message went out!
MACKENZIE (Laughing)
Oh my God, I am the greatest and you are the LAMEST!
LEX
What are you smoking? She’s still on every channel.
MACKENZIE
Every TV signal. But not access to the world security system! The red wire was the sub-band! We foiled her evil plan! All she’s doing now is pissing off people who are missing The Price Is Right!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE WEDDING VENUE
ATHENA
And with that, I bid you all adieu! Don’t worry about collecting your gifts, I’ve already seized them! This is Athea O'Brien signing off. Play me out.
MUSIC: JAZZ MUSIC STARTS AGAIN
CHET
Do you, uh, want to fill me in here? Is this part of our honeymoon?
ATHENA
You poor, pitiful, pathologically pathetic puppet!
CHET
You’d use alliteration against me at a time like this?!
ATHENA
I was never going to marry you! Your childlike proposal never sparked anything in me beyond revulsion! But it did spark this plan: the greatest act of governmental sabotage in the history of the world!
KRISTATOS
Athena... is it true? Not only have your brought the international intelligence community to its knees... but you humiliated Chet Phillips in the process?
ATHENA
But wait there's more! And here’s another surprise, daddy. This is JJ Prescott. Mastermind of Operation Hestia.
KRISTATOS
All these years later, your mother will be avenged!
PRESCOTT
It was an accident! I was a young agent. It was my first mission. We never meant to kill your wife. YOU were the target. (Beat) This is an awkward apology.
ATHENA
Are you proud of me, daddy?
KRISTATOS
I’VE NEVER BEEN PROUDER! MY LITTLE GIRL IS A SUPERVILLAINESS!
FITZ
Uh, Miss O’Brien?
ATHENA
Not now, Fitz.
CHET
Athena... you used me???
ATHENA
Like a coaster. For two whole years. (Adopts Ocean Girl voice) And it was sooooo easy. My poor little starfish. GRAB HIM, LADIES.
CHET
Hey! You goons, get off me!
FITZ
Miss O’Brien?
ATHENA
WHAT?
FITZ
Well, um, it’s just, I’m trying to log on to the security network from my phone so I can requisition New Jersey, but uh, nothing’s happening.
ATHENA
You’re probably doing it wrong. Here let me see.
LUCKY
I’m trying to erase my mother’s parking tickets! 418 Error: I’m a Teapot!? What does that mean?
ATHENA (Cold as ice)
Mackenzie McGrath.
SFX: TRANSITION
MACKENZIE
Alright, we’ve got that out of the way, now let’s try and stop this broadcast. Would you...like the honors?
LEX
Seriously?
MACKENZIE
I mean, you did call the blue one.
LEX
Awesome.
SFX: SNIP. NOTHING HAPPENS.
MACKENZIE
Did you cut all the way through? The wedding is still on TV!
LEX
I mean, I think so.
SFX: ALARMS!
MACKENZIE
WOAH! What just happened?
LEX
Uh, I don’t think that was the cable for the broadcast either.
MACKENZIE
All of island security is going haywire! Girl, when you’re wrong, you are WRONG.
SFX: BACK TO THE WEDDING. THE CROWD IS IN A PANIC.
ATHENA
SIT DOWN. STAY CALM. THIS IS JUST A MINOR INCONVENIENCE!
COMPUTER VOICE
WARNING. VOLCANO COVER OPENING. PLEASE STAND CLEAR. ADVERTENCIA. APERTURA TAPA VOLCÁN. POR FAVOR MANTÉNGASE ALEJADO.
SFX: PANIC.
ATHENA
We will be back online in just a moment. Lucky...fix this. Lucky? WHERE IS SHE?
FITZ
I’ll take care of it, your majesty!
ATHENA
Ugh. Fine. Whatever. THIS IS THE WORST WEDDING EVER.
CHET
HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? HI-KEEBA!
SFX: A HUGE FIGHT
QUINN
Annnnd...got it! I’m free. I’ll cut you all loose.
SKIP
Great job, Quinn.
GLORIA
Yes. Good TEAM WORK.
ATHENA
You idiots! He’s kicking the crap out of you!
CHET
You’ll never take me alive--
SFX: HI-YA! SOMEONE LEAPS INTO THE FRAY FIGHTING ALONGSIDE CHET
SKIP
Need backup from the backups?
CHET
Granger! Long time no see, little buddy! Thanks for coming to my wedding!
SKIP
HI-KEEBA! Phillips, if we live through this, I’d like to introduce you to my therapist.
SFX: THE FIGHT INTENSIFIES
BOWDEN
Balthazar! You’re an even worse priest than an actor!
BALTHAZAR
Baby Brother Bowden! Variety says “two fists down!”
SFX: HE PUNCHES BOWDEN
QUINN
Watch your back, Chet!
CHET
Quinn, you’re alive!
QUINN
No thanks to you, you tux-wearing libido! HI-YA!
ATHENA
WEDDING GUESTS! WHY ARE YOU SITTING THERE!? KILL THESE AGENTS OF INSTITUTIONAL ROT!
ARCHIE
Here comes the rogues gallery!
SKIP
We need all hands, where are Lex and McGrath?
INT. VOLCANO LAIR - BROADCAST BOOTH
SFX: McGrath pulls at a door knob. It won’t budge.
LEX
The security system must have activated the dead bolts! I can’t get it to budge.
MACKENZIE
We’re two of the best hackers in the world. WE CAN OVERRIDE THIS.
LEX
Eww, I don’t like it when you’re nice to me.
SFX: A WEIRD PULSING NOISE
MACKENZIE
God! What is that noise? Something is messing with the broadcast.
LEX (Transfixed)
Woah... cool strobe effecttttttttttttttttttttt....
MACKENZIE
Lex. (Nothing.) Lex. (Nothing.) LEX! If we don’t do something, our friends are going to fall into the volcano.
SFX: BACK TO THE WEDDING. THE FIGHTING GROWS EXTREMELY FRANTIC
BALTHAZAR
There’s no way out, brother! You’ve no Academy Award to strike me with this time!
BOWDEN
No, but I’ve got KILLER stilettos! HI-KEEBA!
SFX: BOWDEN KICKS BALTHAZAR IN THE HEAD
BALTHAZAR
Oh, the agony of de-feet!
SFX: BALTHAZAR GOES DOWN IN A HEAP. BO AND GLORIA CONTINUE TO FIGHT OFF THUGS -
GLORIA
Bo! Are you OK?!
BOWDEN
He always was a heel.
GLORIA
There’s something I have to ask you. If anything were to happen to me. Ever. On a mission. Would you be stay with the EMF? Or move on?
BOWDEN
Uh, Gloria, these volcano doors are opening really quickly now. This may not be the ideal time to discuss this...
GLORIA
I need to know, because if anything happened to you, I don’t know that I could--
SFX: SOMEONE RUSHES THEM, SCREAMING. BOWDEN TAKES A BLOW.
CHAD VALERIAN
YOU RUINED MY DIRECTORIAL DEBUT! This was gonna win me a Streamy!
GLORIA
That’s it, Valerian! I should have cancelled you in Canada!
CHAD VALERIAN
Nobody cancels anything in Canada, the tax breaks are too--oh woah...
BOWDEN
Valerian, look out, you’re close to the edge!
SFX: CHAD VALERIAN FALLS TO HIS DEATH IN THE VOLCANO. THE DOORS CONTINUE TO OPEN. WEDDING GUESTS BEGIN TO PLUMMET INTO THE MAGMA.
SKIP
Well, that’s one way to trim the guest list!
ATHENA
They’re winning! They’re just a handful of idiots, HOW CAN THEY BE WINNING! Where is that moron, Fitz?
INT. VOLCANO LAIR - HALLWAY
SFX: Fitz running for his life as the base crumbles.
FITZ
Oh man. I gotta get out of here. Even being Duke of New Jersey isn’t worth this! Oh, why do super villain bases always have to be so maze like? One of these has to be an exit. (Opens door) Torture room. (Opens door) Torture room. (Opens door) Torture room? OH COME ON!
SFX - HE TRIES ANOTHER DOOR. IT OPENS.
FITZ
PLEASE BE THE EXIT!
SFX - IT'S A ROOM FULL OF PUMAS. THE GROWL.
FITZ
Puma Den!? Oh. Nice kitties. Good kitties. You wouldn’t hurt the Duke of New Jersey would you?
SFX - The pumas pounce. Fitz dies. Horribly. Back to the wedding. The fight in full force. The doors have almost completely opened. Chet is flipping people into the volcano.
ATHENA
Give up, Chet, you're surronded!
CHET
Forty-two! Forty-three! Forty-four!
RUK (Plunging to his doom)
I have no regrets!
SFX - THE BAND FALLS INTO THE VOLCANO. THE MUSIC STOPS.
ATHENA
GIVE UP, CHET. YOU’RE SURROUNDED!
GLORIA
Skip? Got a plan for this?
SKIP
If we divide up the guards, can we each take 500 of them?
BOWDEN
Not in this dress.
ZELDA
Team. If this is it. It was an honor.
SKIP
Athena, listen to me! We are BOTH rapidly running out of floor here! We’re ALL going to plunge into the volcano if we don’t work together. If we work quickly, I think we could form a human ladder up the ridge.
ATHENA
That sounds abosoultely disgusting and I would rather die.
KRISTATOS (Loosing his footing)
Woaaah!
ATHENA
Dad!
SFX: He goes down, but Prescott dives to save him.
PRESCOTT
Kristatos! I’ve got you, old man.
KRISTATOS
You? Saved ME?
ATHENA
Prescott, if you drop him, I swear -
PRESCOTT
I’m sorry I killed your wife. I should have come clean years ago. Now climb up! I can’t hold you!
KRISTATOS
Almost there...ah. I’m...alive! Here, Prescott, let me help you.
SFX: Kristatos grabs Prescott’s arm. He starts to pull him up.
KRISTATOS
Almost...almost...and...there.
PRESCOTT
Are you alright?
KRISTATOS
Yes. Apology accepted, Agent Prescott.
SFX: Kristatos pushes Prescott over the edge.
PRESCOTT
Wha...
SFX: Prescott falls into the volcano.
SKIP
PRESCOTT!
ATHENA
Whoa, dad! That was STONE COLD!
KRISTATOS
For your mother. Now, I can die in peace.
ATHENA
We’re not going to die!
KRISTATOS
Time is up. Make peace. I love you, Athena.
ATHENA
Oh, dad. I love you too, but I refuse to let you die on my fake wedding day.
SKIP
Section Chief, there’s...not much floor left.
BOWDEN
Hold me, Gloria. I want us to be together in the end.
GLORIA
I love you, Bowden.
BOWDEN
I love you, Gloria.
ZELDA
I want my wife.
SKIP
I’m here for you, Zelda. I love you.
ZELDA
I love you too, Skip.
QUINN
I hate all of you.
COMPUTER VOICE
Total floor retraction in five, four, three, two, one...
SFX: THE FLOOR STOPS OPENING. IT STARTS TO CLOSE.
SKIP
THE VOLCANO DOOR IS CLOSING!
ATHENA
Fitz, you beautiful brown nosing bastard!
SKIP
No way! If anyone saved us, it’s Mackenzie McGrath!
SFX: THE ADMIRAL STEPS INTO SCENE
THE ADMIRAL
Wrong on all counts!
KRISTATOS
Fletcher!
CHET
Admiral? Where the hell have you been?
THE ADMIRAL
NOT standing on the retractable volcano floor. Seemed prudent. Excuse me, excuse me, I have an announcement to make. Lucky. The microphone.
LUCKY
Yes sir, Admiral, sir!
ATHENA
Lucky?! ADMIRAL!? SIR?!
SKIP
The Admiral is alive!?! And he just...saved us?
THE ADMIRAL
Well, I have a lot of friends on this volcano! Your Miss McGrath managed to stop the data signal from going out, but the airwaves are still open, and I have been waiting for this moment a long time.
SFX: Microphone feedback.
THE ADMIRAL
Attention, Humanity! It is I, Admiral H.R.R.t Fletcher, back once again from his latest faux grave! The time I spoke of has come. The age of land has past. OCEANOLOGISTS OF THE WORLD, ARISE! Become one with the ocean.
LUCKY
Become one with the ocean.
SKIP
Well. This can’t be good.
SFX - Various members of the survivors chant “Become one with the ocean.” We move into...
INT. VOLCANO LAIR - BROADCAST BOOTH
SFX: McGrath digs through wires.
LEX
Whoa.....
MACKENZIE
Lex! You’re awake! Come help me! If I just switch the outputs on this terminal, we can--
SFX: WHACK! Lex cold cocks McGrath.
LEX
We can... like... become one with the ocean.
SFX: Back to the wedding
ADMIRAL
Oceanologists of the world unite! The time of Zeerox is at hand!
SFX - THE ADMIRAL LAUGHS
MUSIC: END THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowign. This episode was written by J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin from a story by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, John Dowgin and Paige Klaniecki. It was directed by Pete Barry & J. Micahel DeAngelis
It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, Kirk White as Chet Phillips, Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jill Ivey as Lex Hammond, Anchorwoman, and Computer, Jean Barry as Quinn Corrino, with Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice, and Bob Killion as Archie Grant, Fitz, Security Guy, Anchorman, and The Admiral
Guest Starring Pete Barry as Kristatos O'Brien, Eric Werner as Balthazar Montcrief, Karen Yang as Dr. Karol Legrange, John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker, Shannon Perry as Dr. Hermione Pickle, Dave Serfass as J.J. Prescott, John Tuton as Captain James T. Kirk, Eric Perry as Whitmire, Rebecca Serfass as Lucky, Natty Leach as Chad Valerian and Sarah Rhea Werner as Pat
Mission Rejected will return in 2021.
SFX - INTO STATIC AND SOUND AS A RADIO IS BEING TUNED INTO VARIOUS STATIONS
NEWS ANNOUNCER 1
--until the Senate reconvenes... this just in from Boston, a massive number of individuals have surrounded city hall chanting ‘One with the Ocean’...
SFX - STATIC TRANSITIONS LINK ALL OF THE NEWS ANNOUNCERS
NEWS ANNOUNCER 2
--around the Baltimore Aquarium, using sticks and chains to fight off police. The crowd is chanting something, which the best we can tell is ‘One with the ocean’...
NEWS ANNOUNCER 3
-- Sydney Harbor has been overrun with a violent mob chanting ‘One with the ocean’...
NEWS ANNOUNCER 4
The Johannesburg Regatta has been shut down by a flotilla of civilian watercraft bearings signs calling them ‘Oceanologists’...
SFX - A GROWING CHANT ‘BECOME ONE WITH THE OCEAN’ RISES UNDER THE NEWSCASTS
NEWS ANNOUNCER 5
La police a été appelée sur la Seine ...
SFX - THE CHANT OVERTAKES THE NEWSCASTERS -- ‘BECOME ONE WITH THE OCEAN!’
MUSIC: STINGER