Season Two, Episode Five: “MY BROTHER, MY BROTHER, AND NERO”
TRANSCRIPT

EXT. THE HOOVER DAM - NIGHT

MUSIC: ACTION MUSIC

SFX: The sound of running. Heavy breathing.

QUINN (Comms)
I’m almost there, Chet. How about a little double time?

CHET (Struggling)
Gimme a break here, Quinn! You ever run the length of the Hoover Dam?

LEX (Comms)
I think Quinn is right. All that time on The Admiral’s ship made you like, softer than a potato roll.

ADMIRAL
The ocean does no such thing, young lady! Look at me! I am keeping perfect pace with our Mr. Doe and I haven’t even broken a sweat!

CHET
That’s because I’m carrying you on piggy back, you old fart.

ADMIRAL
My body is a finely tuned instrument, except for my weak arches.

LEX (Comms)
You’re, like, there. Just waiting on Archie.

SFX: An elevator bing! The door slides open.

ARCHIE
Evening, lads.

CHET
Why do you get to take the elevator?

ARCHIE
On account of me weak arches.

ADMIRAL
You may have a little Oceanololgist in you, Archie. Have you ever considered getting translucent?

ARCHIE
Sorry, mate, I was born in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and I’ll die a Flying Spaghetti Monster.

ADMIRAL
Sir, I can respect that.

CHET
Did you get what we need?

ARCHIE
One all access key card. Amazing what they’ll give you when you say you’re here to fix the Wi-Fi.

LEX (Comms)
Chet, get to the dam controls. I’ll like patch in Quinn.

SFX: Static burst, Quinn on her speedboat

QUINN
I’m on the southeast side of the dam. There’s no sign of explosives anywhere. Are we sure this isn’t another wild goose chase?

CHET (Comms)
My man in Minsk has never steered me wrong. He says Athena’s next plan is to blow the Hoover Dam.

ADMIRAL
I’m forced to agree with Miss Quinn. My Trixie would never be so disrespectful to such a magnificent monument to water!

ARCHIE
Maybe she’s trying to free the water from its restrictive cage.

ADMIRAL
OH. Well that DOES sound like Trixie.

CHET
SHE’S NOT TRIXIE. AND STOP CALLING ME MR. DOE.

ADMIRAL
As you wish. Mr. Doe.

ARCHIE
Chet, the dam control room is right in front of you.

SFX: Chet swipes the key card and a door unlocks.

ATHENA (Over a PA)
Why, Chet. It’s so nice to find you still give a dam. See what I did there? Hahaha.

CHET
Where is that coming from?

ARCHIE
This bird’s like a ghost. She’s everywhere and no where.

ATHENA (Over PA)
You see, this room IS packed with explosives! Not enough to blow the dam, but enough to kill you.  

CHET
What?

ATHENA (Over a PA)
I so wish I could be there to see this, but I’m in the old Oceanology volcano base south of the equator. Oops, I wasn’t going to reveal that. Good thing you’re about to go BOOM. Become one with...Lake Meade.

SFX: A countdown like beeping starts.

CHET
Quinn, you getting all this?

QUINN (Comms)
I heard it, coming around.

ARCHIE
Oh no, not the Niagara Falls bit.

CHET
Everyone run and JUMP!

SFX: Chet takes a running leap off the side of the dam.

LEX (Comms)
No, Chet! Quinn’s not in place!

ARCHIE (Jumping)
Geronimo!

ADMIRAL (Jumping)
But what about my weak arches?

SFX: BOOM! Archie, Admiral and Chet plunge into the water. Quinn’s boat speeds to them. They emerge gasping for air.

QUINN
Get in the boat! Everyone okay?

CHET
HOW CAN THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE?

SFX: A drone flies into range.

MISSION VOICE (On tape)
Good evening, Mr. Phillips. The Oxford English Dictionary defines “defecting” as...

SFX: Click.

CHET
NO. NO. NO. NO.

MUSIC: THEME SONG

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “My Brother, My Brother, and Nero.”

SFX: Briefing room Bleeps and bloops

SKIP
This is very, very bad.

SFX: A knock at the door.

SKIP
Who is it?

MACKENZIE (Outside the door)
It’s us, Skip.

SKIP
Well, then you’ll know why there are so many songs about rainbows.

MACKENZIE (Outside)
Arrrrgh.

ZELDA (Outside)
Granger.

GLORIA (Outside)
Because they cover the whole spectrum.

SFX: The door opens.

MACKENZIE
Gloria, I thought we all agreed to ignore Skip’s passcode memos.

GLORIA
Sorry, Miss McGrath, that one just came to me.

MACKENZIE
YOU GUESSED IT?

ZELDA
Miss McGrath, we only have a moment before Bowden arrives. There’s something we need to discuss first.

GLORIA
Bo? What’s happened?

MACKENZIE
Did Netflix pull his sitcom?

SKIP
Gloria, you’re the closest to Bowden. Has he ever mentioned his brother Balthazar?

MACKENZIE
BALTHAZAR?

GLORIA
Not often.

MACKENZIE
His brother’s name is Balthazar and we’re just going to let that go?

GLORIA
Balthazar is also an actor. They developed a bitter rivalry after Bowden got cast on Acquaintances. He vowed to become a bigger star than Bo and they haven’t spoken since.

MACKENZIE
If I vow to become a movie star, can I not speak to Bowden?

GLORIA
Agent Granger, what’s going on?

SKIP
The Assistant Section Chief alerted me to this trending topic on Twitter.

SFX: Skip makes a few clicks on the keyboard.

GLORIA
Oh no!

MACKENZIE
Hashtag Pee-eww!

ZELDA
Given the circumstances, I think it best if Bowden hears this from me.

SKIP
Assistant Section Chief, I appreciate that you and Bowden go a long ways back, but don’t you think it’s better that I tell him?

ZELDA
Agent Granger, I know you mean well, but your emotions tend to get the best of you.

MACKENZIE
Yeah, they cover the whole spectrum.

SFX: A knock at the door.

GLORIA
That will be Bo. Please, be gentle.

SKIP
Come in.

SFX: The door opens, cautiously.

BOWDEN
Skip?

SKIP
Bowden! Come in!

BOWDEN
Really? No... pass phrase?

SKIP
Of course not! Come in! Have a seat! Do you want my seat?

BOWDEN
I’m fine with my usual one, thanks.

GLORIA
Don’t you look handsome today? Like a movie star!

BOWDEN
I like to think that’s every day, but thank you.

GLORIA
It’s really shining through today. Isn’t it Miss McGrath? (Silence) ISN’T IT?

MACKENZIE
Oh yeah. Yeah. You can really see the...talent.

BOWDEN
Skip, Zelda, what’s going on?

ZELDA
Bowden, why don’t you have a seat. We have some news.

BOWDEN
Is it Athena? What’s she done now?

ZELDA
No, Athena O’Brien continues to lie low. It’s about your brother.

BOWDEN
Balthazar? Is he... dead?

ZELDA
No, no.

BOWDEN
Sick? It’s the clap, isn’t it? Sad, but who didn’t see that coming?

ZELDA
His health is fine.

BOWDEN
What is it then? Jail? Money problems? Male pattern baldness?

ZELDA
No, he’s...

SKIP
HE’S BEEN CAST AS THE LEAD IN A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE!

BOWDEN
WHAT?

ZELDA
Granger!

BOWDEN
Center yourself, Bowden. Calm. Ohm. Ohm. When you say... major...

SKIP
TENTPOLE!

BOWDEN
I see... this is fine. Find your center. Be your own light. Skip, is this tentpole... a franchise?

SKIP
IT’S A COMIC BOOK MOVIE!

ZELDA
Granger!

BOWDEN
What comic book?

ZELDA
SKIP...

SKIP
I’m sorry, Assistant Section Chief, he needs to know.

BOWDEN
What. Comic. Book.

SKIP
Lord Nero.

BOWDEN
I see.

SFX: Bowden stands up.

GLORIA
Bo?

BOWDEN
Excuse me a moment, won’t you?

SKIP
Of course.

SFX: The door opens and closes.

SKIP
He took that well.

BOWDEN(Outside the door)
THAT TWO BIT COMMUNITY THEATER HACK! I’LL KILL HIM IF I EVER SEE HIM AGAIN! HE COULDN’T ACT HIS WAY OUT OF A NON-UNION LIFE ALERT AD! I’LL TEAR HIM TO SHREDS AND MAKE HIM WISH HE’D STAYED IN THE MERCHANT MARINES!

SFX: The door reopens. Bowden comes back in and sits down.

BOWDEN
Thank you for informing me.

MACKENZIE
Bowden... are you okay?

BOWDEN
Of course! My no talent brother just landed my dream role in an evergreen international franchise. I’m. So. Happy. For. Him.

GLORIA
Can I get you something? I can get your TV Guide cover out of your locker. That always cheers you.

SKIP
Bowden was on the cover of TV Guide?

MACKENZIE
The back cover. It was an ad for The Clapper.

BOWDEN
Oh, McGrath. Your zesty barbs are a soothing balm. I promise, I’m fine. Who knows, this film might never be finished! Projects fall apart all the time! I won’t give Balthazar or Lord Nero another thought until our mission is accomplished. Now. What’s our assignment?

ZELDA
Infiltrate the Lord Nero movie and make sure the picture is finished.

BOWDEN
Excuse me.

SFX: Bowden steps out.

BOWDEN (Outside)
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, WILL THIS TORMENT NEVER END?

SFX: Bowden steps back in.

BOWDEN
Please, continue.

GLORIA
Chief Anders, since when does EMF care about a movie production?

ZELDA
Since the movie is an elaborate cover for an international extraction operation.

BOWDEN
The film is a FAKE? I knew it! That hack could never get cast in a REAL movie! Praise St. Hepburn! Both of them!

ZELDA
Gloria, the slides.

SFX: The projector comes to life.

SKIP
Several weeks ago, two foreign operatives sent a message through back channels that they wished to defect. The CIA established a cover for them: a film production of Marcus Ellsbury’s Lord Nero of Lesbos comic book, the lead role of which was cosplayed by our own Bowden Montcrief to great success last year.

BOWDEN
Skip, that means a lot coming from you. But it means way more that the film is a fake!

ZELDA
The movIe was supposed to be just legit enough to pass a sniff test. A quick shoot, and the whole cast and crew would return to America, including our defectors, under cover as special effects artists.

GLORIA
And where are they defecting from?

ZELDA
Canada.

BOWDEN/MACKENZIE/GLORIA
CANADA?

SKIP
The great white sleeper.

BOWDEN
So, less Argo, more Fargo.

MACKENZIE
Doesn’t defecting from Canada normally involve a barrel and a ticket to Niagara Falls?

ZELDA
Our defectors possess evidence of corruption at high levels of the Canadian government. They’re not sure who they can trust, so simply leaving the country isn’t an option. They’re counting on the EMF to slip them over the border.

SKIP
And everything was going swimmingly... until Balthazar.

ZELDA
To maintain secrecy, the cast and crew believe the movie is real. Bowden’s brother has no idea he’s not headlining a real blockbuster. Since the experience hasn’t lived up to his expectations, he’s taken to the Internet.

BOWDEN
Typical. No one self-aggrandizes like Balthazar. Not even me.

MACKENZIE
I just got chills. Anyone else? I mean literally, my blood is cold.

SKIP
Three days ago, bolstered by an online fan group called “Montcrief’s Mounties”, Bowden’s brother declared he wasn’t being treated with respect and locked himself in his trailer. Production has come to a standstill.

GLORIA
So why not just send everyone home?

SKIP
Because Ellsbury’s recent death aboard the Admiral’s ship has made Lord Nero a very hot commodity, and real movie studios smell blood. If our fake movie doesn’t wrap on schedule, our fake studio loses the property, and Universal has promised to pick things up with the existing cast and crew. Our defectors would be sitting ducks for months. Saving them means finishing the movie in two days.

GLORIA
TWO DAYS?

BOWDEN
Typical Balthazar. Overdramatizing a tight situation for his benefit.

SKIP
Gloria and I will pose as representatives of our fake studio, there to encourage the crew to work quickly. Quelling the PR firestorm can only help focus the production, so McGrath, we’ll need you to create as many false Internet profiles as possible to try and calm the Lord Nero furor.

MACKENZIE
I usually CAUSE chaos online, but I guess if it means shutting up a couple of incel virgins, I’m game.

SKIP
And Bowden, it’s up to you to get your brother to finish the movie.

BOWDEN
I’ll need to pack my extra large meditation bowl. I am being tested.

ZELDA
Section Chief Prescott has made it clear that this is an incredibly high priority mission. He was particularly disappointed that Chet Phillips passed. Go out there and show him what this team can do.

MACKENZIE
Zelda’s being nice? I don’t like it.

SKIP
Lights, camera, action!

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SFX: CHATTER IN THE DISTANCE

MACKENZIE
So, this is a real movie studio, huh? Underwhelming.

SKIP
Bowden’s already gone off to the trailers to find Balthazar. Ready to play movie producer, Gloria?

GLORIA
Sure am, Agent Granger.

SKIP
McGrath, that looks to be the communications trailer. You can probably get online in there. Just keep comms open if you’re needed.

MACKENZIE
Hopefully the CIA ponied up for broadband. I’m off, hosers.

SKIP
That’s the Canadian spirt! Gloria, let’s go talk to the crew.

GLORA
Are they... curling? With film canisters?

SKIP
You can’t curl on a movie set!

CANADIAN PA NUMBER TWO
Under normal type circumstances you’d be right as a clean zamboni, friend, but the movie’s shut down!

CANADIAN PA NUMBER ONE
And Wayne here is the best skip in all Alberta, doncha know?

CANADIAN PA NUMBER TWO
And Wayne here ain’t no skimp of a lead, I’ll tell you that much for a Molson.

SKIP
Wait, I thought you were Wayne?

CANADIAN PA NUMBER ONE
I am. So’s he. And him. And her.

CANADIAN PA NUMBER TWO
This is Canada, feller, you can’t throw a Loonie without hitting a Wayne.

SKIP
All right, everyone listen! We’re from the production company, Canadian International Artists.

CANADIAN PA NUMBER ONE
Oh, wow, you’re from CIA?

SKIP
What, no! How did you-- oh. OH. Right. YES! We’re here to get this movie back on track.

CANADIAN PA NUMBER ONE
We’re ready to give’er. But we’re not the ones you need to convince.

SKIP
We’ve already sent our representative to negotiate with Balthazar Montcrief. Why don’t we talk about getting the throne room set ready for shooting.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SFX: THE SOUNDS OF SOMEONE’S BACK GETTING SLAPPED/KNEADED/MASSAGE.

BALTHAZAR
Ahh, yes, Katarina, that’s the spot...
(sings)
I am the very model of a modern major movie star/Was wearing Karl Lagerfeld while buying my electric car/I know the queens of drag race and quote Oscar wins historical--

SFX: A DOOR OPENS

BOWDEN
(sings)
As when Sally cried ‘you like me’ and when Joaquin got political!

BALTHAZAR
Katarina. Get out.

SFX: KATARINA GRUNTS AND LEAVES

BALTHAZAR
Baby brother Bowden. I’d ask what you’re doing in Canada, but clearly you just wanted to visit someplace warmer than your career.

BOWDEN
Balthazar. I understand the studio hired you a personal trainer. Quite brave of you to ignore him.

BALTHAZAR
The man was a bourgeois fool. He’d never seen a Kurosawa film!

BOWDEN
You’ve never seen a Kurosawa film!

BALTHAZAR
I couldn’t endure ‘Rashomon’! Bloody thing kept starting over!

BOWDEN
Balthazar. As nostalgic as it would be, bickering with you for hours...

BALTHAZAR
Ahhh, Christmas.

BOWDEN
Thanksgiving.

BOWDEN/BALTHAZAR
Arbor Day. (Beat) YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

BOWDEN
Alright stop! I’m here for a reason.

BALTHAZAR
Of course! I understand completely!

BOWDEN
You do?

BALTHAZAR
Certainly! Everyone should get to see an actual movie set at some point in their lives.

BOWDEN
No jury would convict me.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SFX: TYPING

MACKENZIE
OK, how does one put out online drama? Well, first time for everything.
(SOUND: TAPS)
Too much Lord Nero negativity these days let’s turn it around... what’s your favorite Lord Nero storyline?
(TAPS STOP)
That should be a perfectly safe...
(SOUND: REPLIES BEGIN)
Oh. Oh, OK, well, if that’s how you feel about it-- WOW, a Hitler comparison off that? OK, basement-dwellers, you called down the thunder, well now you got it, I’m-- no. No. I have to calm these people down. Calm. Them. Down. Take two.
(SOUND: TAPS)
I like unicorns... and want more unicorns... in the Nero-verse... how about... you?
(TAPS STOP, REPLIES START)
What the-- holy cow, how’d they photoshop a unicorn that fast! OY. It’s going to be a day.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SFX: Set construction.

GLORIA
That’s it, put your back into it! This is really starting to look like a throne room!

SKIP
Excuse me, Wayne?

MANY, MANY VOICES
Yes?

SKIP
Uh, sorry. You. Yes. We’re concerned about the visual effects for Lord Nero’s Ancient Scrolls of Hecate being ready to shoot TODAY.

GLORIA
We need A-OK VFX ASAP or this film is sunk.

CANADIAN PA NUMBER ONE
Well, if you wanna talk to the FX team, I bet loonies to poutine they’re in the stunt yurt.

SKIP
The... stunt yurt?

CANADIAN PA NUMBER TWO
Yah. Our stunt coordinator is one wacky character, I’ll give you that much for a pop.

CANADIAN PA NUMBER ONE
He won’t live in the production dorms, says he prefers communing with nature, so he set up his own yurt on the edge of the set.

CANADIAN PA NUMBER TWO
And he’s been causing quite a hold up with the FX folks, insisting on doing the big final stunt himself. No CGI.

GLORIA
Skip? Are you OK?

SKIP
I don’t know. Where can we find this... yurt?

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SFX: SOUNDS OF A STRUGGLE

BALTHAZAR
Give up yet, baby boy?

BOWDEN
Not on your life, grandpa!

SFX: MORE STRUGGLING... THEN FINALLY, A POP!

BALTHAZAR
Ahhh, at last! I never thought I’d get that jar of salsa open!

BOWDEN
You mean we! I loosened it...

BALTHAZAR
No, you loosened the definition of acting with that dreadful sitcom.

BOWDEN
Would you listen? There’s something at stake here, Balthazar. Something bigger than even your ego.

BALTHAZAR
Oh? Your ego?

BOWDEN
Quite the opposite. I’m here to convince you to finish the movie.

BALTHAZAR
All in good time, baby brother, all in good time. Tomorrow, I’ll stride from my trailer as Universal takes over the film!

BOWDEN
You know about that?

BALTHAZAR
I read my trades, brother! Once Universal assumes control, it’ll all finally happen the way it’s meant to! McQuarrie will rewrite it! Giachinno will score! Abrams will direct it and Gilroy will fix it! And Variety will call it -

SFX: THWACK

BOWDEN
I read my trades, too. Go ask Kelsey Grammar if you’re the first man I’ve knocked out with a stack of Variety back issues! All right. SnapFace time. Get ready for your close-up, Mister Montcrief!

SFX: SNAP. A FACE PRINTS OUT OF THE SNAP FACE MACHINE.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

MACKENZIE
... so Montcrief needs to get over his arrogant self, you malevolent pencil-necked turdburger! There. Huh. What’s that smell? Maybe I-- GRRRRR. If you could pull yourself away from Mountain Dew, pornhub, and doordash and just think, you’d see I’m right! RIGHT! RIGHT!

SFX: A MAGICAL DING

GOOD MACKENZIE
Mackenzie. Mackenzie...

MACKENZIE
Huh? Wow. A little me with wings. Hey, little me. Want a funion?

GOOD MACKENZIE
No thanks, I’m doing keto.

MACKENZIE
Oh, good for you.

GOOD MACKENZIE
Mackenzie. I know it’s fun to roast trolls online. The pornhub/doordash thing was especially solid.

MACKENZIE
Ha ha, right? Up top.

GOOD MACKENZIE
But Skip needs you to calm the Lord Nero fires, not fan them.

MACKENZIE
I know. Sorry, little me with wings. I’ve just spent my whole life riling people up, it’s hard to switch gears.

GOOD MACKENZIE
Sometimes you can put one fire by creating a larger fire next to it.

MACKENZIE
Huh. Interesting. Um... just out of curiosity, is there another little me with horns in there?

GOOD MACKENZIE
No, she got laid off. Couldn’t out-do the actual you. Later, skater!

MACKENZIE
Huh. A larger fire... oh... yes... (SHE LETS OUT AN EVIL CACKLE)
Wow. No wonder other little me got laid off. Batten down the Fortnites, trolls. Here comes the thunder! Hashtag Affleck... as... Bond... Oh man. That’s evil even for me. Wait. That smell... is that... a... gas leak? I...

SFX: MCGRATH PASSES OUT AND HER FACE HITS THE KEYBOARD.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. YURT

DEFECTOR ONE
But you’ll never get high enough for the stunt to work!

TRIP
Oh, don’t you worry about that, little buddy. I’ll get high enough.

DEFECTOR TWO
Is that a weed joke or is he actually saying he’ll get high enough?

DEFECTOR ONE
That’s the problem! I don’t know!

GLORIA
Hello, I’m Eleanor Toobin, executive producer. The studio has sent my partner and I to get production back on track.

TRIP
Hey, Eleanor! Kick back and crack a brewski

GLORIA
Why are you wearing a blindfold?

TRIP
I gotta do this big stunt in a mask and you can never see out of those things, so I’m tuning my senses.

SKIP (Putting on a fake voice)
Eleanor, why don’t you take these two effects artists outside for a confab and I’ll discuss the stunt.

GLORIA
Um. Alright.  Well, FX team, why don’t you come with me outside. I have news from the south.

DEFECTOR ONE
OH!

GLORIA
Yes! We’re here to help you defect.

DEFECTOR ONE
Oh thank goodness. Except we can’t go just yet.

DEFECTOR TWO
I know we’re not really FX people, but this guy is going to get someone killed!

SKIP
I’ll handle the stunt man.

GLORIA
Come on, we’ll talk outside.

SFX: Yurt flap opens.

SKIP
Take of that ridiculous blindfold.

TRIP
HOLY SMOKES! BIG BROTHER SKIP! IS THAT YOU?!

SKIP
Yes, Trip, it’s me. So this is where you’ve been for seven years.

TRIP
Oh no, man, I’ve only been here like three months. Before this I was selling hacky sacks on the pier in Santa Monica and from there I got a bartending gig on one of those cruise ships where you sail around until you find another ship and then you kidnap their captain.

SKIP
You were a PIRATE?

TRIP
I was a bartender. I just WORKED for pirates. Anyway, one of the yacht dudes we kidnapped turned out to be a big shot producer. Next thing I know, I’m holding a certificate from the Canadian Film Commissioner that says I’m a stunt coordinator!

SKIP
Well, if there’s one person on this planet who could turn open seas piracy into a job as a stunt coordinator, it’s you, Trip.

TRIP
Like I always said, Skip-bro, no sense fighting the tide, let the winds and waters guide you.

SKIP
Yes, you would say that. Often as a judge asked how you pled.

TRIP
I want to introduce you to my crew! They’re awesome! There’s Wayne, Lady Wayne, Skinny Wayne, Skater Wayne...

SKIP
We need to stay here, Trip. Now listen. You can’t call me Skip.

TRIP
Huh? OHHHH. Hey man. I respect it. Hit me with your pronouns and live your truth.

SKIP
No, that’s not what I mean! Trip, I’m... wait. What is that?

TRIP
OHHHH BRO! Thanks for reminding me! I almost forgot to wax the Nero mobile!

SKIP
Why do you have a Roman war chariot hooked up to a small jet engine?

TRIP
For the big stunt we’re shooting next week!

SKIP
You’re shooting that today!

TRIP
Oh... right! It was next week last week! Man, I do that a lot. So! Get this, this stunt is sick! In the... umm... the thing... you know... the paper thing. With the things the people say...

SKIP
The script?

TRIP
YES. THAT. Anyway, in the words thing--

SKIP
SCRIPT. I JUST SAID THE WORD.

TRIP
It says Nero has to get away from his nemesis, the Sprawling Eye, by riding the source of his power, the Chariot thing, through the seven burning rings of Hades, or else Planet Lesbos will fall into the hands of something or other, that’s as far as I got when I passed out.

SKIP
You’re going to drive a chariot through seven rings of fire?

TRIP
No, fly it, man! Why else would I need a jet engine? Think, bro.

SKIP
You’ve no steering mechanism!

TRIP
Nowhere to stand if there’s a steering wheel. No worries, it’s a straight shot.

SKIP
You say ‘no worries’, yet I count several.

TRIP
Come on, man, I’ll make it! I

SKIP
Trip. Listen to me. First, that chariot weighs roughly 500 pounds. That rocket is a gas turbine designed to keep an object many times heavier aloft.  You want to use it to launch yourself through seven flaming rings, with no steering mechanism! This is EXACTLY the kind of thing mom kicked you out of the house for. Like the Jiffy Pop incident? Or how the cat mysteriously lost an eye? Or the time you replaced the roof tiles with magnets to try and get “free electricity”? This stunt won’t work. And I haven’t even gotten to the fact that Acheron’s Chariot isn’t the source of Lord Nero’s strength, his powers of transformation and mind control stem from the Mythic Cloak and the Ancient Scrolls of Hecate!

TRIP
Skip! You’re a hundred percent spot on right-a-roonie!

SKIP
I... am? Not what I was expecting. I was afraid you’d take my words and twist them into something even more insane --

TRIP
We don’t need the chariot! I just need to strap the engine to my back! That cloak thing will cover it and I can use the scrolls as fins to steer!

SKIP
And there it is.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

BOWDEN
Deep breaths, Bowden. This is the easiest mimic you’ve ever had to do, just copy the derisive voice in your head.

CANADIAN PA NUMBER ONE
Hey look, here he comes!

SFX: APPLAUSE

BOWDEN AS BALTHAZAR
No, no, no applause please! I now realize what an offensive cad I’ve been, and wish to apologize. My boorish, unprofessional behavior should earn me the derision of all I gaze upon, and to make it up to you, after the shoot, the cost of the entire wrap party is on me!

SFX: HUGE CHEERS OF EXCITEMENT

BOWDEN AS BALTHAZAR
Haha! Yes! Bring your families, too, let’s really make it a big, supremely expensive, bank account murdering blowout!

GLORIA
Yes, hooray indeed, but we’ve got to bag two scenes before we lose the light people, let’s get to it! It’s you, isn’t it, Bo?

BOWDEN
In the Snapflesh. We’re going to have to finish this movie Hemsworth style; with one brother pretending to be the other.

GLORIA
Here are the pages for Lord Nero’s big scene.

BOWDEN
Huh. This isn’t half bad. I think I can get into this... what’s the other scene?

DEFECTOR ONE
The almost certain decapitation of your stunt man.

DEFECTOR TWO
Like a pine through a lumberjack’s axe.

GLORIA
One catastrophe at a time, please.

CANADIAN PA NUMBER ONE
Okay, places, eh!

GLORIA
Break a leg. I love you.

CANADIAN PA NUMBER ONE
And... action, eh!

BOWDEN AS BALTHAZAR
Bow before me, followers of evil, minions of the Sprawling Eye, for I am Lord Nero of the Planet Lesbos! Commander of the darkest fathoms! Holder of the ancient scrolls of Hecate! Destroyer of the Unreachable Dimension! Protector of Thrice Breached Parallel! You have met your undoing this day, for this is my homeland and I. Shall. Not. See. It. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!

CANADIAN PA NUMBER ONE
And cut, eh!

SFX: UPROARIOUS APPLAUSE

CANADIAN PA NUMBER TWO
Oh aye, eh, I haven’t cried like this since I left Medsted!

BOWDEN AS BALTHAZAR
Why, thank you!

GLORIA
Oh, you were wonderful!

BOWDEN
Do you really think so? It did feel good.

GLORIA
You dealt with your brother, Skip’s dealing with his. Let’s finish this mission before anyone else’s brother shows up!

UNIVERSAL PRODUCER
Hi! I’m Chad Valerian from Universal Pictures.

GLORIA
HOLY COW, CHAD VALERIAN?

UNIVERSAL PRODUCER
My card. Is my surname surprising?

BOWDEN
You wouldn’t happen to have a twin brother, would you?

UNIVERSAL PRODUCER
Brad? Do you know him? No one has seen him in years! Do you know where he is?

BOWDEN
At the bottom of the Pac-

GLORIA
This is the nicest business card I’ve ever seen!

UNIVERSAL PRODUCER
Yeah, we had a solid quarter, so this year’s cards are printed on actual segments of the Shroud of Turin. Anyway. Just leave the cameras and sound equipment, we’ll get it all back to you once we wrap.

GLORIA
But we have the rights to Lord Nero until tomorrow, and we’re one scene away from wrapping photography!

UNIVERSAL PRODUCER
The big stunt, with all the pyrotechnics?

GLORIA
How did you know?

UNIVERSAL PRODUCER
We’ve got a spy in the production. Code name Wayne.

GLORIA
DAMN YOUR BRILLIANCE.

UNIVERSAL PRODUCER
Wayne’s taken steps to ensure the natural gas line you’re using to feed those giant circles of death aren’t going to work. You won’t wrap, you’ll lose the rights, Universal picks them up tomorrow, cash cow milked. Hey, after this is done, you want to go for a drink?

GLORIA
Are you hitting on me while stealing my movie?

UNIVERSAL PRODUCER
Of course, it’s protocol. That’s day one stuff at USC.

GLORIA
Piss off and get out of my way, you slick-haired monstrosity!

UNIVERSAL PRODUCER
Ohhh, you’re an NYU girl, I get it! Listen, what do you think - at the beginning of the moive, the Universal logo fades into the wheel of Lord Nero's chariot...

MUSIC: TRANSITION

GLORIA
Oh, I gotta find Mcrath!

SOUND: DOOR OPENS. GLORIA COUGHS AS THE GAS RUSHES OUT.

GLORIA
Oh my gosh, Miss McGrath!

MACKENZIE
No, Mr. Bond... I expect you to STRIP!

GLORIA
Miss McGrath, wake up! I need you! There’s a disconnected gas line on the set and I need you to help me find it!

MACKENZIE
I think it’s close by. You like tacos? I love tacos! And Mariachi bands! Oh look, the ground!

SFX: SLAM! MACKENZIE HITS THE GROUND.

GLORIA
MISS MCGRATH!

MACKENZIE
She’s with Double-O-Affleck.

GLORIA
Miss McGrath, please, you’re the only one with the technical background to help me figure this out in time!

MACKENZIE
OK. I can do it.

GLORIA
Good!

MACKENZIE
I just need to know which Gloria is talking right now.

GLORIA
We’re toast.

SFX: A QUICK TRANSITION

SFX: A JET ENGINE WARMING UP

SKIP
Trip, this is insane!

TRIP
You’re right, bro, the rocket’s throwing off the line of my cloak, I’ll have to strap it to my front!

SKIP
DO NOT STRAP IT ANYWHERE! You’re going to get yourself killed AND prevent this movie from wrapping today. AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WORSE.

TRIP
Skip. I love you like a brother. Cause you are. But you’re so timid!

SKIP
There is a huge difference between timid and sensible!

TRIP
Oh, right. Sensibility is what led you to a career as a traveling Sudoku book salesman.  

SKIP
I’m not a traveling Sudoku book salesman! That’s just what I told mom. It’s a cover for my real profession.

TRIP
Online word jumble salesman?

SKIP
I’m an agent for the government.

TRIP
You’re a what now?

SKIP
A gorvernment agent. A spook. An operative. An intelligencer. A black bag man! Cloak and dagger all the way! I’m a bad mother and no one understands me like my... OK, that’s a little far, the point is, I’m a spy!

TRIP
Skip, this isn’t the time for jokes. (INTO A WALKIE) Hey, Bolivian Wayne! What’s wrong with the flame rings?

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION

GLORIA
OK, here’s the main junction of the gas line...

MACKENZIE
Heh. You said gas.

GLORIA
I’ve said it ninety times!

MACKENZIE
It just hit me now. Oooooh, look at all the pipes!

GLORIA
There doesn’t look to be any rhyme or reason to how they’re connected!

MACKENZIE
Sure there is. The radius of each tube leaving the central pump will be proportionate to the pressure needed to push the gas the full distance to the ring.

GLORIA
Great! So how can we tell which one is leading to which ring?

MACKENZIE
Huh? Which what? What are you talking about?

GLORIA
What you were just talking about?!

MACKENZIE
Tacos and mariachi?

GLORIA
THAT WAS TWENTY MINUTES AGO!

MACKENZIE
Hold on. I know who can help. HEY. LITTLE ME WITH WINGS.

GLORIA
You’re talking to your shoulder.

MACKENZIE
Gimme a sec, Gloria, talking to my friend here. Fourth from the right, little me? Reroute it to the sixth position? Cool.

SFX: CLICK, WHOOSH, CLICK, WHOOSH

GLORIA
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU’RE DOING?

MACKENZIE
Chillax, Gloria. Little me with wings would never steer me wrong. She literally can’t, it’s her job.

SOUND: CLICK, AND A WHOOOOOSH OF FLAMES

CANADIAN PA NUMBER ONE
And it's a go, eh!

GLORIA
Mackenzie, you did it!

MACKENZIE
ALL THANKS TO MY LIL’ FRIEND!

SFX: SLAM!

GLORIA
And there she goes again.

SFX: TRANSITION BACK TO ROCKET WARMING UP

SKIP
It is true!

TRIP
Bro! You expect me to believe the six year old who diagrammed all the sentences in ‘Hop on Pop’ is now some badass spy?!

SKIP
Hey! Analysis and attention to detail is essential to intel work!

TRIP
Being a spy means risking life and limb for a cause!

SKIP
I do it all the time! Just last year I was interrogated by the Des Moines Parking Authority! IT’S MORE SERIOUS THAN IT SOUNDS!

TRIP
Risk is in my blood, Skip, not yours!

SKIP
We’re brothers, Trip. Our blood is the same.

SFX: HI-YA! CRACK!

SKIP
See? Sort of a brightish red.

SFX: SKIP STRAPS HIMSELF INTO THE ROCKET

TRIP
Skip, take that rocket off, you’ll be killed!

SKIP
I’ve got a mission, Trip! To see that this movie gets finished! If that means strapping a jet engine to my back and hurtling myself through rings of fire, then... huh... this is rather impulsive--

SFX: A HUGE WHOOSH! AND SKIP IS OFF INTO THE AIR....

SKIP
AHHHHHHHH OH GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME I’M FLYING! I’M FLYING! AND HERE COMES THE WHHHHHHOAH! FIRST RING OF FIRE! OUCH! THAT WAS CLOSE... Ok... OK this isn’t so bad... SECOND RING, WHOAH! Wait... these scrolls actually DO work as fins... THIRD RING! HA! FOURTH! I’ve got this... I’VE GOT IT! WOOOOO-HOOOOO!

BOWDEN
What in the name of Catch a Rising Star is that?

GLORIA
OH NO! I think it’s Agent Granger!

MACKENZIE
Oh thank God. I thought I was hallucinating again.

TRIP (Calling after him)
You’re doing it, bro! Free as a bird!! Seven rings out of seven! Now just stick the landing!

SFX: CRASH

SKIP
I landed on my keys.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - LATER

SFX: The beeps and bloops of the briefing room. The door opens.

SKIP
And this is the briefing room! It’s basically my home base. I do all my planning here before a big mission.

TRIP
It, uh, sounds great. Are you sure I can’t take this blindfold off?

SKIP
ABSOLUTELY SURE. It was the only way I could clear your visit.

TRIP
Whatever floats your boat. Ride the wave.

SFX: The door again.

ZELDA
Tour time is over, Granger.

SKIP
Yes, Assistant Section Chief. Trip, I’m glad we got this time together. I think... you should come home for Thanksgiving this year. Mom would love to see you. And so would I.

TRIP
Well, we’ll see. I go where the wind takes me. Right now I feel the wind blowing me towards dolphin trainer and they don’t have calendars under the sea, my friend.

SKIP
No they don’t.

TRIP
Hang loose, mi amigo.

SFX: Trip walks into the wall.

TRIP
Government walls, man. Harsh.

SKIP
I’ll, uh, walk you out.

SFX: They go as Bowden and Gloria file in.

GLORIA
You’re SURE you’re okay, Bo? I mean, you got to play one of your dream roles - and everyone will think it was your brother.

BOWDEN
Gloria, I’m as good a gold. From what I saw, that movie will be LUCKY if it gets sold in ten minute chunks to Quibi.

GLORIA
Well -

SFX: McGrath bursts in to the room.

MACKENZIE
Well, another one in the win column, eh, Zelda?

ZELDA
Yes and no. You completed your mission admirably. The film was completed and our defectors have given a complete debrief.  

MACKENZIE
I don’t see a down side.

ZELDA
Let’s go to the video tape.

SFX: A tape plays

ZELDA (On tape)
I understand you have evidence of corruption in the Canadian government?

DEFECTOR ONE (On tape)
Oh, you betcha. It’s a real cracker of a story.

DEFECTOR TWO (On tape)
You see, we used to work in Prime Minister’s office. Handsome feller, but oh there’s some shocking stuff going on with him.

DEFECTOR ONE (On tape)
He doesn’t use Grade A maple syrup!

ZELDA (On tape)
What?

DEFECTOR TWO (On tape)
He uses Grade Very Dark Maple Syrup With a Strong Taste. Boy, I miss when those grades were just letters. Such a mouthful.

SFX: Tape off.

MACKENZIE
So all of that was for nothing.

ZELDA
Hardly. You showed Section Chief Prescott how well this team operates in a crisis. Frankly, I blame Prescott and the other agencies for not knowing what sort of information the so called assets had. I’m very pleased with all of your work.

MACKENZIE
Oh my God, I can’t believe you gave us a compliment and Skip wasn’t here to hear it!

ZELDA
I have given Agent Granger my praise in the manner he prefers; a gold star on his mission report.

GLORIA
Well, that’s not the ONLY gold star being handed out.

BOWDEN
Oooh, has Balthazar’s IMDB Star-o-meter finally reached “imperceptible”?

GLORIA
No. The Marcus Ellsbury Estate have just gifted the Oscars with an endowment for a new award - Outstanding Performance in a Comic Book Movie. And the inaugural recipient is...

BOWDEN
NO!

GLORIA
Balthazar Montcrief for Lord Nero: The Motion Picture! Specifically for the “climatic speech which will echo down the ages alongside Christopher Reeve’s Superman, Michael Keaton’s Batman and Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four.”

BOWDEN
But I gave the climatic speech.

MACKENZIE
Woah! Bowden... you won an Oscar!

BOWDEN
But...

BOWDEN
BUT...

ZELDA
A silver lining. Well done, Bowden.

GLORIA
I’m so proud of you!

BOWDEN
BUT NO ONE WILL KNOW IT WAS ME!

GLORIA
I know, but, I thought...the achievement would be its own reward.

BOWDEN
Achievement doesn’t get you an invitation to Elton John’s Oscar Party, Gloria!

MACKENZIE
Woah, why don’t you take a few cleansing breaths, bud?

BOWDEN
Oh, to hell with cleansing breaths! The whole world is going to think my stupid, dim witted, no talent brother is worthy of an Oscar? I mean, I thought I had taken my lowest blow when I got passed over in favor of the Olson Twins as the new face of Old Spice, but this...THIS...THIS IS TOO MUCH!

GLORIA
Bowden, I know you’re upset, but what happened to being good as gold?

BOWDEN
You know what’s actually gold? AN OSCAR. Gloria, I’m sorry, I need to be alone with my good friends Ben and Jerry.

SFX: He storms out.

MACKENZIE
Gonna drown his sorrows in ice cream, huh?

GLORIA
Oh, no. Ben and Jerry are his emotional support stylists.

MUSIC: END TITLES

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin, and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice.

Also starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jean Barry as Quinn Corrino, Jill Ivey as Lex Hammond and Defector 2, and Bob Killion as Archie, Defector 1, and The Admiral.

Guest starring Eric Werner as Balthazar Montrcrief, Kendon Luscher as Trip Granger, Jose Maria Bejarano as Bolivian Wayne, Natty Leach as Chad Valerian, and Rebecca Serfass as Lucky.

Kendon Luscher is the creator and star of the Ad Read podcast, a surreal comedy podcast where stories are told through ads. Find out more at adread.buzzsprout.com

Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry.

Want to look your best and support our show at the same time? Visit the Mission Rejected merchandise store for shirts, hoodies, mugs, stickers and more at http://www.teepublic.com/stores/missionrejected

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2020 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

INT. VOLCANO LAIR - ENTERTAINMENT ROOM

SFX: The Lord Nero movie is playing on the TV. Lucky is watching and laughing hysterically.

LUCKY
You tell ‘em, Nero!

ATHENA
Ugh. Lucky, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.

SFX: On the TV, the big stunt starts and we hear Skip scream.

ATHENA
That scream is awfully familiar...

SFX: Knock at the door

LUCKY
Oh, did you order us a pizza?

ATHENA
Lucky. We are in a volcano cave in the middle of the ocean. Who would POSSIBLY deliver here?

LUCKY
Who is it?

SFX: Door opens

BALTHAZAR
Oscar Winner Balthazar Montcrief! I was absolutely thrilled to get your invitation. I knew these parties were exclusive, but a private volcano, my God! Wait a moment... you’re not Elton John!

ATHENA
And yet we share the same great fashion sense. Sorry to lure you here under false pretenses, Mr. Montcrief, but I believe you and I have a common enemy.

BALTHAZAR
Ellen DeGeneres?

ATHENA
OK, two common enemies. I was speaking of... your brother.

BALTHAZAR
I’m listening.

MUSIC: STING