Season Two, Episode Three: “SWINEFELD”
Transcript

MUSIC: INTENSE DRUMS (ACTION THEME)

SFX: A BUSTLING EGYPTIAN MARKET

LEX (over comms)
The target’s gone high, Chet! He’s on the rooftops!

SFX: RUNNING. CHET’S BREATHING HARD.

CHET
No kidding, Lex, I’m right behind him! Archie, tell me you--

ARCHIE (over comms)
Don’t worry, boss, I slipped the homing beacon into his pocket right before he bolted on me.

CHET
Quinn, copy that?

QUINN (over comms)
Copied, scope locked on. Want him on the ground?

CHET
In one piece.

QUINN (over comms)
Spoilsport.

SFX: SNIPER RIFLE SHOTS. A SINGLE VOICE CRIES OUT IN PANIC.

QUINN (over comms)
That got his attention! He’s headed down to street level.

CHET
And into the market! I’m on him!

SFX: CHET RUNNING. CRASH! CHET HAS KNOCKED SOMETHING OVER.

CHET
Damn fruit cart...

SFX: ANOTHER CRASH. ANOTHER. FRUIT CART VENDORS PROTEST.

CHET (CONT’D)
Seriously?! How many fruit carts can one street market sustain!

ARCHIE (over comms)
Someone didn’t read his recon file.

CHET
What do you mean?

LEX (over comms)
This city is the fruit cart and plate glass capital of Egypt!

SFX: CRASH! CHET RUNS THROUGH A SHEET OF PLATE GLASS

CHET
What?! They just carry plate glass around on the street!?

LEX (over comms)
That’s a pretty judgmental attitude, even for someone named ‘Chet’. The target made a mistake, Chet! He just ducked down a blind alley!

CHET
Moving in for the--

SFX: SUBMACHINE GUN FIRE. PANICKED CRIES

QUINN (over comms)
OK, no mistake, he’s got a cache of weapons down there!

CHET
Any angle on him, Quinn?

QUINN (over comms)
He’s dug in like an Alabama tick! I’ve got no shot!

THE ADMIRAL (over comms)
BUT I DO!

CHET
Admiral?!?!?

THE ADMIRAL (over comms, fighting)
HI-KEEBA! HI-KARATE! HI-AND-LOIS!

CHET
Admiral! You were waiting down this alley all this time!?

THE ADMIRAL
Indeed, Mister Doe! Transcendental meditation allowed me to perceive space and time at an enhanced rate, and identify his most likely escape route through statistical analysis!

CHET
All that by meditating?!

THE ADMIRAL
The mescaline helps, too!

QUINN (over comms)
I’m begging you, let me shoot this guy.

CHET
Lex, the target had the thumb drive. Uploading its contents now!

LEX (over comms)
OK... porn, porn, eeew, it’s all hentai, here’s a text file of his banking passwords, porn--

ARCHIE (over comms)
Christ, we captured my brother-inlaw.

LEX (over comms)
Here it is! The decryption key!

CHET
Run it on that sound file we intercepted from Athena!

LEX (over comms)
Way ahead of you... done!

SFX: STATIC. A RECORDING OF ‘BABY WHALE’ BEGINS

CHET
NO! Not again!

ATHENA (over Baby Whale)
Awww! Good try, Chetty-Poo! You came much closer, you were only seven time zones off this time around!

CHET
Seven time zones...

ATHENA
Me and some Yakuza friends are going to have a nice sit down now and figure out some long-term plans. Shame you can’t be here. But keep trying! BABY WHALE...

SFX: DRONE SOUND

THE ADMIRAL
Mister Doe, either the dose of psilocybin I used as a ketamine chaser has kicked in, or--

CHET
There’s a drone over my shoulder. Yeah. Well, for tradition’s sake--

MISSION VOICE
Good morning, Agent Phillips. Bjorn Kleinschmidt, better known to the intelligence community as ‘The Devil’s Veterinarian’, has been spotted entering the United States using falsified credentials. Still wanted after ‘the ferret incident’ at last year’s G-8 summit, Kleinschmidt’s presence on US soil means another animal-based terror threat could be looming--

SFX: CLICK

CHET
Another flyover state mission? Flyover this. Rejected.

MUSIC: OPENINIG THEME

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world's most secret agents. Tonight's episode..."Swinefeld."

SFX: THE BREIFING ROOM COMPUTERS

SKIP
All right, you can do this. It’s just six inches. You don’t need Gloria’s help. You definitely... OUCH... don’t need... OUCH...Gloria? Can you come back in again, I need one more--

SFX - DOOR OPENING

GLORIA
WHAT IS IT NOW?!?!

SKIP
I’m sorry! Just one more thing, can you adjust the slide projector a bit to the right?

GLORIA
Fine.

SKIP
Too far.

GLORIA
Seriously? OK, how’s THAT?

SKIP
Perfect.

GLORIA
That’s exactly how it was.

SKIP
No, you moved it one-sixteenth of an inch to the left. It means I don’t have to turn my head at all during the briefing.

GLORIA
Are you sure I shouldn’t call a doctor? You don’t seem able to--

SKIP
Oh, it’s nothing, just a little soreness. Rearranged my guest room furniture last night.

GLORIA
Were guests on the furniture at the time?

SFX - DOOR OPENS

MACKENZIE
Morning, campers.

GLORIA
Good morning Miss McGrath, Section Chief Anders. Skip’s not being * weird about anything.

MACKENZIE
Right out of the gate, huh?

SKIP
McGrath, you didn’t tell me you’ve been promoted!

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
She’s been what now?

MACKENZIE
I’ve been what now?

SKIP
I could’ve gotten a cake, streamers, there should be at least one band playing the EMF anthem--

MACKENZIE
We have an anthem?

SKIP
If you hum in the key of F, it unlocks the executive bathroom.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
It used to, Skip, until you published that as a ‘fun fact’ in the agency newsletter. What makes you think McGrath’s been promoted?

SKIP
Isn’t it obvious? Her security pass! It’s precisely one sixteenth of an inch thicker than it was last week.

MACKENZIE
How can you--

GLORIA
He’s shockingly good at identifying one-sixteenth of an inch.

SKIP
That can only mean you’ve had a level eight RFID clearance chip added to your pass!

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Right. Only that.

SKIP
So let me be the first to YOWZA.

MACKENZIE
Skip, are you OK?

SKIP (he is not OK)
Perfectly.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Granger, you’re crying.

SKIP
I just get so emotional about clearance chips! Doesn’t everyone?

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
I won’t delay your briefing, I just wanted to... congratulate Miss McGrath. For her obvious promotion. Which I obviously knew about.

MACKENZIE
Obviously. Thank you, Zelda.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
And to ask her if her obvious promotion has... revealed any items of obvious interest.

MACKENZIE
No obvious items of obvious interest but, if I do, you’ll be the first to know. Obviously.

GLORIA
It’s so nice to see everyone acting normally!

SFX - DOOR OPENS

BOWDEN
Namaste, friends.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Bowden, you’re looking... comfy.

MACKENZIE
Good lord, is there a Red Roof Inn somewhere missing a bathrobe?

BOWDEN
I’ll have you know I received this as a personal gift from the Dalai Lama himself backstage at the Today Show in 2005. I can hardly help if he stole it from a Red Roof Inn.

MACKENZIE
That had better be a secure belt, that’s all I’m saying.

BOWDEN
Skip, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you were meditating!

SKIP
Yes, exactly! You inspired me, Bowden, into finding a new state of preternatural calm! That’s why I’m so still today, there’s no other--

SFX - DOOR OPENS

PRESCOTT
Morning, team!

SKIP
Section Chief Prescott, I wasn’t expecting OWWWWW!

PRESCOTT
Agent Granger, are you OK?

SKIP
Yes, I just didn’t mean to turn my head.

PRESCOTT
Should I postpone our next workout?

SKIP
Of course not! I’ll be there, ready to rock! Core work, right?

PRESCOTT
We’ll start with core work, then hit the assault bikes, followed by a medicine ball session, wrapped up with my patented chest and trisuperexhaustion routine.

SKIP
Sounds... great!

PRESCOTT
After you get back from the field, of course, Here’s the rest of the Kleinschmidt intel. Assistant Section Chief Anders, good to see you.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Indeed... Section Chief Prescott.

PRESCOTT
You’re getting better at saying that, your pained pause was a full fourteen percent shorter this time. See you this afternoon for your twice-quarterly goals review.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Can’t wait. Obviously.

PRESCOTT
JJ OUT.

SFX - DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS PRESCOTT LEAVES

GLORIA
You worked out with Prescott?

SKIP
He invited me, how could I say no!

GLORIA
He once got ninety percent of the way through an ultramarathon, went back for his airpods, and then ran the whole thing again!

MACKENZIE
And let me take a wild guess, Skip: you didn’t want Prescott to think less of you, so you went set for set with him, right?

SKIP
Hey, I finished the workout.

MACKENZIE
The workout finished you.

BOWDEN
Skip, you and Prescott should consider that removing outward stressors can be a more satisfying path to tranquility than increasing personal strength.

GLORIA
Who told you that? Ram Dass? Matthew McConaughey? Gwen Stefani?

BOWDEN
A Panda Express in the Mall of America. That location’s wallpaper was awash with enlightenment.

SKIP
All right, team. Please take the folders from the table. My apologies that I can’t hand them out personally, I should have full range of motion back sometime between Friday and Autumn.

GLORIA
No pain, no gain.

MACKENZIE
Also, no pain.

SKIP
The man you should all be looking at is... um, Gloria? Would you?

SFX - CLICK

BOWDEN
Oh no! Bjorn Kleinschmidt!

MACKENZIE
The Devil’s Veterinarian!

GLORIA
You’ve heard of him?

MACKENZIE
He’s a legend among performance anarchists. That stunt he pulled at the 2002 World Cup? Genetically engineering a herd of Yak to moonwalk across the pitch while dragging a ‘Make Love Not War’ poster? It’s a high-water mark.

SKIP
Since then, he’s turned his knowledge of animal physiology to darker purposes, culminating in last year’s ‘Ferret incident’ at the G8 Summit. Toronto still hasn’t recovered.

BOWDEN
Indeed they have not. I was in town when it happened, auditioning for a Bus and Truck tour.

GLORIA
Oh? For what show?

BOWDEN
A musical called ‘A Bus and Truck Tour’. They were doing a Bus and Truck Tour.

MACKENZIE
So... it was... wait...

BOWDEN
A Bus and Truck Tour of a Bus and Truck Tour. But then the ferrets stole the trucks.

GLORIA
They what?

SKIP
Kleinschmidt’s evil, but it takes real genius to genetically engineer ferrets with Class C licenses.
(CLICK)
This photo was taken two days ago at the Philadelphia International Airport. Facial recognition scanners immediately ID’d Kleinschmidt, and we followed him until he checked in here.

MACKENZIE
Oh, look, Bowden, you’ll be able to return the Dalai Lama’s robe!

BOWDEN
That which the Lama bestows is a gift no mortal man should eschew.

SKIP
This Red Roof Inn is in Lackawanna County, Pennsylvania, five minutes up the rural route from the Lackawanna County Fair, which hosts the largest livestock auction in the United States. And this year, that auction features...

SFX - CLICKS. GASPS.

MACKENZIE
KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

GLORIA
Is that a pig or a Volkswagen?

SKIP
Meet Jerry Swinefeld, the largest boar ever put up for public sale.

BOWDEN
I’m beginning to understand Kleinschmidt’s interest in this.

SKIP
Oh yes. The auction guide speaks of Jerry Swinefeld leveling slop buckets, and laying waste to entire pigpens. A farmer who carries this pig before him... is invincible.

BOWDEN
I understand the urgency, all right. Kleinschmidt being a stone’s throw from Jerry Swinefeld seems a recipe for disaster on par with letting a member of the British Royal Family speak on camera.

MACKENZIE
So what’s the plan?

SKIP
Simple reconnaissance. Get to the fair, shadow Kleinschmidt. If we find he’s up to no good, call in the cavalry. Bowden, you’ll pose as this man.
(CLICK)
JT Peppermason, world renowned livestock breeder. Normally, he would never miss the Lackawanna auction, but he’s currently traveling abroad and we’ve engineered a passport SNAFU that will keep him in Mexico for days. As Peppermason, you’ll have unfettered access to the livestock.

BOWDEN
Words every actor loves to hear.

SKIP
Gloria, I’ve been going over your personnel file--

GLORIA
That 99 on the Civil Service exam was a fix! A fix!

SKIP
No, no, your family history! The Kovac family's world famous Shoofly pie recipe! You’ll pose as Ida Clovenhooper, a late entrant to the Fair’s Shoo-fly Pie contest. Your position at the pie booth will give you a perfect view of the swine pens. Your job it to ensure nothing happens to Jerry Swinefeld until we figure out Kleinschmidt’s plans.

MACKENZIE
And I’m coming along on this Red State fishing trip why, exactly?

SKIP
If Kleinschmidt’s using sensitive communications equipment, you’ll be needed. Otherwise, just play the field, ready to respond if needed.

MACKENZIE
Just like on Tinder.

SKIP
All right, team, no time to waste! Let’s get mov--YOWCH!

SFX - CRASH! CRIES OF CONCERN

GLORIA
Agent Granger!

SKIP
I landed on my keys.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC.

SFX - SOUNDS OF A ROLLICKING COUNTY FAIR

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
All right, Miss... Clovenhooper?

GLORIA
That’s me, Ida Clovenhooper, shoofly pie cook extraordinaire!

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
You look a little on the young side. Most here have been cooking pies since before your momma was a glint in your granddaddy’s eye.

GLORIA
What a... charming and not at all inappropriate analogy.

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
What happened to that cute little boy toy of yours, then?

SKIP
Sorry, Ida, I’ll catch up in just... a... second...

GLORIA
You mean my cousin, Willum? He’s my assistant, allowed under contest rule thirty-six B.

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
So he’s single, you’re sayin’? HEAR THAT, LADIES? THE BOY TOY’S FREE!

SKIP
Sorry... I’m still just... waiting for my extremities to respond...

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
I don’t know why he walks so slow, but from behind, I’m not complainin’. Now. Here’s your workstation. Plenty of molasses, flour, and brown sugar, eggs are on the work table, water runs to the sink at the end of the tent.

GLORIA
And where would I find the tins?

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
Glory be to Saint Terry Bradshaw, you didn’t bring your own?

GLORIA
Oh... well, as a late entrant, I only had so much time to--

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
HEY THELMA? Get a load of this one! New meat forgot her tins!

GLORIA
That’s not a welcoming attitude!

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
Welcoming attitudes are for church picnics and ladies night at the skeet range. This is the county fair pie contest. It’s like that ‘Bachelorette’ show, without all the common decency. But seeing as how this is your first time, I’ll be Christian. Hey sweet cheeks.

SKIP
Good lord, she means me.

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
Let’s find your girl some tins.

GLORIA
Of all the arrogant, self-centered--

BOWDEN AS PEPPERMASON
Why hello there, miss. I can’t recall seeing a specimen as fine as you at the shoo-fly pie tables during past county fairs--

GLORIA
Can it Bozo.

BOWDEN (softly)
Gloria, it’s me, Bowden!

GLORIA (softly)
I know! Sorry! These people are so ill-tempered!

BOWDEN (softly)
Focus. I can show you some zen chants after we--

GLORIA (softly)
I think I’ll stick to the pie harpies. You’d better get moving.

BOWDEN AS PEPPERMASON
I shall, young lass! Best fortunes to you in baking combat!

SFX: SKIP RETURNS, PIE TINS RATTLING.

SKIP
OK, pie tins. Now how can I--

GLORIA
Don’t bother, Skip, you’d be no help to me even if you could move. You merely adopted the molasses. I was born into it. Wow, look at the security around those pigs! How could Kleinschmidt pull something off under all those noses and snouts? Maybe we have this wrong.

SKIP
I won’t complain if you’re right, I could use a slow day at a fair. I grew up in rural America. Nothing beats a deep fried Oreo while watching demolition derby.

GLORIA
No talk of Oreos, Skip! It’s shoofly time.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

ANNOUNCER
Coming up in five minutes at the hunting pavilion! The first to correctly name all five animal skulls wins a lifetime subscription to ‘Field Dressing Quarterly’!

MACKENZIE
How can I be in the south this farcnorth?

SKIP (over comms)
McGrath, come in. Are you in position?

MACKENZIE
Oh, I’m here all right, Skip, praying that all these red hats just mean we’re closer to Cincinnati than I think.

SKIP (over comms)
Have you managed to--

SFX - STATIC - SKIP’S STILL TALKING, BUT IT’S INDECIPHERABLE

MACKENZIE
Skip! Something’s jamming my phone!

MASKED VOICE
Greetings, fair goer, from the Master of Disaster.

MACKENZIE
Who?!

MASKED VOICE
That’s quite a security protocol you’ve got on that phone. Be a shame if someone... wrecked it.

SFX - STATIC - THEN A HIGH PITCHED SQUEALING

MACKENZIE
OUCH!

SFX - phone clicks off

MACKENZIE
Well, this phone is now a perfectly good door stop. This is bad. Kleinschmidt must have a top flight hacker running interference! If he disconnects the team, we’re all...

ANNOUNCER
Time for “fish in a barrel” at the angling pavilion!

MACKENZIE
Yeah. That.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SFX: LIVESTOCK SOUNDS

LIVESTOCK COORDINATOR
Well, I’m sure glad you were able to make it back into the country, Mister Peppermason, the fair wouldn’t be the same without you!

BOWDEN AS PEPPERMASON
Or my money!

SFX - THEY LAUGH - THEN THERE’S A VERY BIG ‘OINK’

BOWDEN AS PEPPERMASON
Well, glory be, this here must be the one everyone’s talking about!

LIVESTOCK COORDINATOR
That’s Jerry Swinefeld! Eleven hundred pounds of savory goodness.

BOWDEN AS PEPPERMASON
I don’t think my first eight wives weighed eleven hundred pounds! Has anybody else been asking about him?

SFX - LOTS OF TINY OINKS RUNNING AROUND IN ALL DIRECTIONS

BOWDEN AS PEPPERMASON
Good Golly Miss Molly, what are--

LIVESTOCK COORDINATOR
Oh, no -- CULPEPPER! YOUR PYGMY PIGS ARE OUT AGAIN!

SFX - BIG ANGRY OINKS

LIVESTOCK COORDINATOR
AND THEY’RE UPSETTING SWINEFELD!!

BOWDEN AS PEPPERMASON
Pygmy pigs?

LIVESTOCK COORDINATOR
Yeah, it’s that crackpot Wilfred Culpepper’s fault. He shows up every year with some oddity. This year it’s eight dozen pygmy boars. Little squealers, five or ten pounds each. Won’t get a thing for ‘em and he’ll leave all angry. Honestly, I don’t even think he’s local, but I’m not one to go around trying to sully a man’s name.

WILFRED CULPEPPER (some distance away)
I LIVE A MILE DOWN THE ROAD AND YOU KNOW IT!

LIVESTOCK COORDINATOR
PIPE DOWN, CULPEPPER! JUST COLLECT THESE FREAKS! Now we have to calm down Jerry Swinefeld. Just give me a moment...

MUSIC: “ROCKIN ROBIN”

BOWDEN AS PEPPERMASON
Is that “Rockin Robin”?

LIVESTOCK COORDINATOR
Yep. See the big guy cuddle up right next to the speaker? He’ll go anywhere he hears that song. Helps that it’s royalty free, too! You can use “Rockin Robin” any way you want thanks to the public domain!

BOWDEN AS PEPPERMASON
I did not know that!

LIVESTOCK COORDINATOR
Yeah, that’s just a fun fact I like to throw out, never know who might be listenin’. Anyway, Mister Peppermason, you look about the stock, and if you need anything, just holler!

WILFRED CULPEPPER (some distance away)
YOUR MOMMA KNOWS HOW TO HOLLER!

LIVESTOCK COORDINATOR
ZIP IT CULPEPPER!

BOWDEN (softly)
This is Bowden, I’m in position. God this is a big pig. Everyone here seems to be keeping a close eye on him, but I’ll--

JT PEPPERMASON
Well if this isn’t the grandest swine I’ve ever laid eyes on...

BOWDEN
Wait... that sounds like--

JT PEPPERMASON
...then my name isn’t JT Peppermason!

BOWDEN
EEP!

MUSIC: TRANSITION

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
THREE MINUTES LEFT IN ROUND TWO! (softer) I don’t know how you made it past round one, missy, but you’re up against the big girls now!

GLORIA
Bring it on sister, my family’s all about the dry bottom! Get your mind out of the gutter, you know what I mean! Willum! I can actually use your help, come here!

SKIP
Yes, Ida-- OW-- Just one--

BOWDEN (on comms)
Code red! Peppermason is here! The real Peppermason!

SKIP
Errr... just a second Ida--

GLORIA
Exactly one second, Willum, this crust isn’t going to crimp itself!

SKIP (hushed)
Bowden! What do you mean the real Peppermason? Prescott said he’d be stuck in Acapulco for days!

BOWDEN (on comms)
Your guess is as good as mine, but him being here makes my... uh-oh!

SKIP (hushed)
Uh-oh? No uh-ohs on mission, Bowden, uh-ohs are very bad--

BOWDEN
I... I think I see...

SFX: STATIC

MASKED VOICE
You see nothing! But you hear the Master of Disaster!

SFX: STATIC GROWS, CUTTING BOWDEN OFF

SKIP (hushed)
Bowden! Come in! Oh, sugar! First McGrath, now this... I have to find out what’s going on! (to Gloria) Um, Ida, I need a minute to go find the little assistant’s room--

GLORIA
Go! You’re not doing me any good here anyway!

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
Cutting things a little close this round, aren’t you, new meat?

GLORIA
Don’t you worry about me, lady!

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
HEY WILMA, BE READY TO CLEAN THIS WORKSTATION! I DON’T THINK SHE’S GOING TO BE HERE MUCH LONGER.

GLORIA
Now listen here, I’m... wait, what do you mean not here all that long?

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
There are five rounds to the contest. Single elimination rounds. Bring your A-Game, or you're out!

GLORIA
But... I need to stay here all day!

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
Then if you’re not a praying woman... I’d suggest you start.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

ANNOUNCER
Just fifteen minutes to the start of the Drone Races!

MACKENZIE
Hey, you! Drone racer! Yeah, the one wearing what I can only presume is an ironic Biggie Smalls t-shirt.

KID HACKER
Mo money mo problems my fine lady.

MACKENZIE
Oh, you got mo problems.

SFX - SHE SNATCHES SOMETHING FROM HIM

KID HACKER
Hey! Give that back!

MACKENZIE
Hmm. Pretty strong signal booster, a long range jammer, I see you’ve got the voice masker built right into it. This is high end stuff-- Master of Disaster?

KID DRONE HACKER
What!? How’d you find -- wait, I mean, I want to speak to a lawyer, I am not an animal! I--

MACKENZIE
Chill out, Zack or Cody, I’m not going to bust you. Jamming phone signals is easiest from the air. Once I spotted this contest, it was only a matter of finding the drone with the right attachments. Where’d you get all this?

KID HACKER
I made them!

MACKENZIE
Shut the front door. You expect me to believe that a tween from the sticks Macgyver'ed a system capable of hacking EMF frequencies?

BOWDEN
McGrath, thank heavens, I-- YOU!

KID HACKER
YOU! I RECOGNIZE YOU!

BOWDEN (Simultaneously)
YOU’RE THAT BRAT FROM THE HACKER’S CONVENTION!

KID HACKER (Simultaneously)
YOU’RE THAT STIFF FROM THE HACKER’S CONVENTION!

MACKENZIE
He’s what?!

BOWDEN
This middle school mechanics maven almost got my toast buttered at the hacker’s convention last year!

KID HACKER
I edited a dirty video of you on the fly and this is my remembrance?

MACKENZIE
So you really did make this gear! Wait, Bowden, aren’t you supposed to be at the
livestock auction?

BOWDEN
I was, until my cover identity showed up! Now I can’t reach Skip, something happened to my phone!

MACKENZIE
Or someone. Listen up kid. You’re little stunt has jeopardized a top secret mission. So I can either hand you over to the Feds...

KID HACKER
There’s an ‘or’ coming here, right?

MACKENZIE
Or you can bring me to your workstation.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

GLORIA
Crust and filling set, I’ve got this thing in the-- wait. Oh no! They’re moving Jerry Swinefeld, it must be auction time! Where’s my comms! Oh, suck a treacle tart, I’ve gotten so wrapped up in this contest I’ve misplaced my-- oh! Oh no! I BAKED MY PHONE INTO THE PIE!

JT PEPPERMASON
Why hello there, miss. I can’t recall seeing a specimen as fine as you at the shoo-fly pie--

GLORIA
Again with that tired line?

JT PEPPERMASON
Excuse me?

GLORIA
Focus! The target is in transit, and I can’t reach Skip!

JT PEPPERMASON
I’m terribly sorry, miss, you seem to have mistaken me for--

GLORIA
This is no time for your method nonsense, Bowden!

JT PEPPERMASON
Why don’t you take my water, you seem dehydrated-- wow, you’re a leaper! HEY, GET OFF!

GLORIA
I can’t leave my post, you need to snap out of whatever zen bullpucky this is and do! Your! Job!

RUK
Hey! That lady is attacking JT Peppermason!

GLORIA
What is wrong with you, is something up with your mask?

JT PEPPERMASON
PLEASE! THE BOTOX HASN’T SET!

GLORIA
You... you’re... OH NO! You’re really JT Peppermason!

PIE CONTEST COORDINATOR
TIME! Oh, looks like someone’s bottom isn’t dry enough! YOU’RE OUT!

SECURITY GUY
And you’re coming with me, miss!

GLORIA
Fair security?!

SECURITY GUY
We don’t stand for assault here at the county fair! Get walkin’!

SFX - SOUNDS OF THE LIVESTOCK AUCTION

SKIP
Darn it, Bowden, where are you, I... wait... WAIT...
(over comms)
Team! Someone, anyone come in! Kleinschmidt is here! I’ve got a visual on The Devil’s Veterinarian! He’s watching the auction from a small tractor! A cherry red tractor! Not quite maraschino but more of a Mount Rainier shade! Can any of you hear me! Anyone at all?! Rats! OK, Skip, calm down, watch your language... what would Prescott do? He’d improvise.

SFX: SKIP APPROACHES THE TRACTOR

SKIP
That’s a fine tractor you’re riding today, sir, on this fine day to purchase some fine livestock!

KLEINSCHMIDT
Are you trying to speak to me?

SKIP
Simply making idle chatter while waiting for the big lots. You know, big lots. Big pigs. Wink wink?

KLEINSCHMIDT
You, sir, strike me as a person who needs to notify the neighbors when he moves. Good day.

SFX - KLEINSCHMIDT DRIVES OFF. SKIP FOLLOWS

SKIP
Wait! I was hoping someone as seasoned as yourself might have--

SECURITY GUY
Sorry sir, only VIP passes are allowed to peruse the livestock.

SFX - A GATE SLAMS SHUT

SKIP
The Devil’s Veterinarian is in with Jerry Swinefeld and I can’t find my team! WWJJD? He’d act, that’s what!

SFX - GROANING AS SKIP TRIES TO MOVE

SKIP
Just ignore the searing agony, climb the fence... almost there...

JT PEPPERMASON
... trying to make small talk, next thing I know she’s going Jackie Chan on me and calling me ‘Bowden’--

SKIP
Wait, what?!

JT PEPPERMASON
Between having to bribe that border guard in Mexico to being assaulted at the fair, it’s been a week--

SKIP
LOSING MY BALANCE! LOOK OUT BELOW!

SFX - CRASH!

JT PEPPERMASON
AHHH! WHY IS EVERYONE LAUNCHING THEIR BODIES AT ME TODAY!

SKIP
Ouch. Again on my keys.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SFX: A JAIL CELL DOOR SLAMS SHUT

SECURITY OFFICER
Now you just cool your heels in here, missy. And next time you feel the itch to assault someone at our fair, just remember... go after a poor person.

GLORIA
Oh, Gloria. You’ve done it this time. Got so wrapped up in proving yourself, you’ve let the whole team down. Why, I can just hear Agent Granger now...

SKIP (nearby, singing)
Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen...

GLORIA
Wait, I actually can...

SKIP
Nobody knows my sorrow...

GLORIA
Agent Granger!? Is that you?

SKIP
Gloria? What are you doing in Fair Jail? And can you believe Fair Jail is even a thing?

GLORIA
I assaulted JT Peppermason!

SKIP
I ASSAULTED JT PEPPERMASON TOO!

GLORIA
Fair crime twinsies! But I’ve let the team down, Agent Granger--

SKIP
No, I did. I had to prove myself to Prescott. Now we’re in Fair Jail, with no way to reach the team.

DEEP VOICED SECURITY GAURD
Hey there, city mice. How are the accommodations?

SKIP
I wasn’t going to bring this up a fair that requires a satellite police station is a fair that could use a bit more planning.

SFX - DISGUISE RIPPED OFF

SKIP (CONT'D)
McGrath!

GLORIA
McGrath!

MACKENZIE
Yes, I bask in your amazement like its the Rotary Club Bonfire at pavilion L. Man, I’ve internalized way too much of this fair schedule.

SKIP
How did you find us?

MACKENZIE
With the help of the new Robin to my Batman.

KID HACKER
Hey, you said I could be Batman!

MACKENZIE
I say a lot of things, kid.

GLORIA
Wait! You’re that teenager from the hacker convention!

KID HACKER
Hey! Ninja lady!

MACKENZIE
OK, part one of Bowden’s plan is done.

GLORIA
Bowden’s plan?

MACKENZIE
I know. God help us all. Robin, can you access the fair’s loudspeakers?

KID HACKER
Only if you call me Batman.

GLORIA
Kid. Remember. Ninja lady.

KID HACKER
Robin’s cool. In his way.
(TAP TAP)
We’ve got the loudspeakers. That’s what they get for making the network password ‘MAGA’.

MACKENZIE
Part two of Bowden’s plan... go!

MUSIC: ‘ROCKIN ROBIN’ PLAYS OVER THE FAIR LOUDSPEAKERS

SFX: CHAOS AND DEEP OINKING FROM OUTSIDE

SKIP
That can’t be a good set of sounds. McGrath, can you open these cells?

KID HACKER
These cells are open. There was no budget for locks this year.

GLORIA
I don’t know if I’m madder at them or us right now.

KID HACKER
Can I put him down now?!

SKIP
Just lean me against this tractor!

MACKENZIE
Skip, how can a fourteen year old carry you around like a Cabbage Patch Kid?

SKIP
Now do you see why I’m working out with Prescott?!

BOWDEN
Hey guys! My plan worked!

MACKENZIE
This isn’t a plan, it’s the last five minutes of Animal House!

BOWDEN
I was able to pose as Peppermason long enough to get back into the livestock pen! Kleinschmidt hadn’t kidnapped Swinefeld, so I unlocked his pen. Once he heard this song, it was pork to the races!

GLORIA
Kleinschmidt will never be able to pignap him out in the open!

MACKENZIE
I take it all back, this plan rocks!

SKIP
There goes Kleinschmidt, hightailing it out of here on his tractor! I think this mission is a complete--

WILFRED CULPEPPER
HEY! HEY! STOP THAT WORLD WAR TWO SOUNDING DUDE ON THE RED TRACTOR! HE’S GOT MY PYGMY PIGS!

MACKENZIE
Wait, WHAT? Who’s this guy?

BOWDEN
That’s Culpepper, the pygmy pig breeder... oh no!

GLORIA
Oh no is right! Tiny chaos-causing pigs would be way more attractive to an anarcho-nature-terrorist than Jerry Swinefeld!

MACKENZIE
So by jail-breaking the big guy--

BOWDEN
--we’ve given The Devil’s Veterinarian the perfect escape!

KID HACKER
Plot twist!

SKIP
At least that happened before I said ‘mission accomplished’.

MACKENZIE
Wait. Kleinschmidt’s still got to get all the way across the fair. And he’s not exactly Speed Racer on a tractor full of pygmy pigs.

GLORIA
Are you thinking--

SKIP
The game is still ahoof!

MACKENZIE
Robin! We’ve got a drone to reprogram! And Skip... think you could actually drive this tractor?

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SFX: A TRACTOR ENGINE. MANY LITTLE PIGS OINKING.

KLEINSCHMIDT
Quiet, wee beasties! In a few minutes, you’ll be free to pursue your destiny! Und my paycheck!

SFX - A BUZZING DRONE DOPPLERS INTO AUDIO RANGE

KLEINSCHMIDT
What’s this? A security drone? You’re too late, EMF! Your agents have unwittingly made my escape easier! It was going to take me hours to dress each pygmy pig up as a tiny rodeo clown--

SFX - THE DRONE BEGINS TO PLAY ‘ROCKIN’ ROBIN’. A HUGE ANGRY OINK AND THEN A SLAM OF PORK ON METAL

KLEINSCHMIDT
AHH! Mein lieber! Get it off me! I need to find some cover from this monster... there! That fenced in speedway!

SFX - THE TRACTOR SPEEDS UP. MUSIC AND ANGRY OINKING FOLLOW,
AND THEN THE SOUND OF ROARING ENGINES AND SMASHING CARS

RUK
No! You madman! What are you doing, you can’t drive a tractor into the--

SFX -RUK SCREAMS AS HE IS RUN OVER BY THE TRACTOR

MACKENZIE (over comms)
He’s taken the bait, Skip! You sure you can do this?

SKIP
I’ve got mobility back in my wrists and right leg... enough to steer and gun this tractor’s throttle. TIME FOR SOME DEMOLITION DERBY!

SFX - MOTORS ROARING, CARS CRASHING, PIGS SQUEALING INTO

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SFX: THE BRIEFING ROOM COMPUTERS

SKIP
Once we tricked Kleinschmidt into the Demolition Derby, everything took care of itself. I managed to recover the pygmy pigs while his tractor was destroyed. In the end, the real challenge was avoiding all of the reporters who wanted to interview me.

PRESCOTT
I didn’t even realize there was a ‘Demolition Derby Roundup’ magazine.

SKIP
It’s the most popular periodical to never be sold in a city with a population over two thousand.

PRESCOTT
Now, as flattering as their offer is, we can’t let you do their photoshoot.

SKIP
Oh, that’s covered. Bowden will do the photoshoot as JT Peppermason, who’s agreed not to press charges if we make it look like he was the hero of the Demolition Derby. Says it will ‘boost his street cred’.

PRESCOTT
So what about you, son? You helped prevent a terrible act of terrorism today. I can fill you in about our internship program.

KID HACKER
Thanks, dude, but I’m just going to go back to high school. Keep making six figures under the table hacking rich kids’ standardized test scores.

MACKENZIE
Um... do you need an intern?

SFX - DOOR OPENS

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
I just finished a conference call with Interpol. They got Kleinschmidt to give up his warehouse in Antwerp, where they found eight hundred genetically modified pygmy pigs. Apparently, Culpeppers’ stock carried a recessive gene that would have given Kleinschmidt’s pigs the intelligence to work heavy machinery. God knows what horrors we’ve prevented.

MACKENZIE
We’ve at least ruined a Pygmy Pig Sex Party.

KID HACKER
OOH! That’s the perfect name for our ironic punk-ska mashup band!

PRESCOTT
Good work team. Granger, I’m off to leg day, care to join me?

SKIP
Thanks for the invite but I’m going to pass, Section Chief Prescott. It’s come to my attention that a man’s got to know his limitations.

SFX - THUNK

GLORIA
What’s all this?

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
These arrived for you in the mail today, Agent Granger. Return address, Lackawanna County.

SKIP
What are they?

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
I, um... wouldn’t dream of spoiling the surprise.

SFX - DOOR CLOSES AS ZELDA LEAVES

SKIP
What in the...

GLORIA
They’re little thank you cards!

MACKENZIE
Addressed to all of us? What...oh... oh wow!

SKIP
Culpepper sent us individual ‘thank you for rescuing us’ cards from each pygmy pig!

MACKENZIE
Bowden said he was an odd duck.

SKIP
No... no, this isn’t odd. This...

GLORIA
Makes you feel kind of warm and fuzzy, doesn’t it?

SKIP
Like a deep fried Oreo and demolition derby.

GLORIA
Great. Now. Let’s get busy. Pennsylvania Dutch manners dictate we reply to each thank you card individually. Skip, you take the one from Tilda Swineton. Miss
McGrath, here’s one from Jon Hamm.

BOWDEN
I'll take this one from Boaris Karloff

SKIP
This one’s from Mark Ham-mil...

MACKENZIE
Paulina Porkizkova, George Swinebrenner, Andre Hogassi...

GLORIA
...Piggy Smalls...Piggy Izeala...Piggy Stardust

SKIP
This is from Fiona Scrapple! This is from Pignatious of Loyola!

GLORIA
There were an awful lot of pigs.

MUSIC: END CREDITS

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John P. Dowgin. This episode was written by John P. Dowgin and directed by John P. Dowgin and Pete Barry.

It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovac, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as the Mission Voice.

Also starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jean Barry as Quinn Corrino, Jill Ivey as Lex Hammond and Pie Lady, and Bob Killion as Archie Grant, JJ Pepppermason and The Admiral.

Guest starring Dave Serfass as JJ Prescott, CadeN Dowgin as Kid Hacker, Pete Barry as the Livestock Coordinator, John Dowgin as Wilfred Culpepper, J. Michael DeAngelis as Bjorn Kleinschmidt and Raymond Morse as Ruk.

Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry. Sound engineerig by Karen Yang.

Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter and Instagram @MissonRejected. Support us on Patreon for bonus content, exclusive audio and more at www.patreon.com/missionrejected.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2020 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

MUSIC FADES

MACKENZIE
OK, how many left... Alexander Hamilton...Piggy Fleming... Kevin
Bacon... Oinker Isaac...

SFX - DOOR OPENS

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Miss McGrath. Any... news?

MACKENZIE
Yeah. Pig farmers need hobbies.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
That’s not what I meant. Obviously.

MACKENZIE
Look what I found.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
What am I looking at?

MACKENZIE
Nothing. Nothing at all untoward or unsettling. I’ve spent hours scouring his files, and somehow, Prescott seems cleaner than Skip.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Keep looking. There must be something.

MACKENZIE
I’ll try again later, after I write back to...Catherine Pigelow, David Hammet, Jerry Oinkbach, David Hogden Stiers...

MUSIC: STING

MACKENZIE
Ham Waterston...Ham Rockwell...Hamuel L. Jackson...Squeal O'Green...Spamantha Bee...Billy Porker. He must have been the one in the sequen collar!