Season Two, Episode Two: “BORDERLINE PERSONALITIES”
Transcript
ACTION MUSIC
EXT. TOP OF THE EIFFEL TOWER, PARIS
CHET
All right, team. Final checks for operation Windowpane. Lex?
LEX (AUDIO TAP)
I, like, slipped into their security system with this app I totally pirated from the Pentagon?
CHET
Archie?
ARCHIE (AUDIO TAP)
The rubes are headed to the conference room now, ready to be mesmerized by yours truly.
CHET
Quinn?
QUINN
Target in sight with my Barrett M82. This thing will put down a rhinoceros at forty meters.
CHET
And... (he sighs) ...Admiral?
ADMIRAL
Present, Mister Doe! I admit I’ve never seen Paris from the top of the Eiffel Tower! It truly is...quite romantic.
CHET
Yeah yeah, just, please, shut up.
QUINN
I’m gonna put a bullet in your head, Admiral, if you breathe the wrong way.
ADMIRAL
Agent Corrino, I believe you suffer from certain trust issues. Perhaps -
SFX: The CLICK! Of Quinn’s rifle.
QUINN
You got that right, buddy. I don’t trust anyone. So please, try something. Try anything.
CHET
Quinn! Eyes on the target.
QUINN
Fine. I’ll see you on the street.
CHET
Admiral? I’ve wanted to throw you off a building for a long time. And now’s my chance!
SFX: CHET HURLS HIMSELF AND THE ADMIRAL OFF THE EIFFEL TOWER!
CHET
Deploying aerofoil!
SFX: THE FOOMPH! OF A HANGGLIDER’S WINGS. THE ADMIRAL WHOOPS.
ADMIRAL
Don’t drop me, Mister Doe!
CHET
Lex, lemme hear Archie in the room!
ARCHIE (AUDIO TAP) (under the action)
Gentlemen! Feast your eyes on the glorious future of your company! Introduce to you...the hat with a cape! (Continues indistinctly)
CHET
Quinn, I’m coming in fast, here.
QUINN
The window is in my sight.
LEX
Ready to, like, kill the security systems?
CHET
In three...two...one!
LEX
Security’s down.
QUINN
Firing!
SFX: GUNSHOT. A WINDOW PANE EXPLODES. A RUSH OF AIR AS CHET LEAPS THROUGH THE BROKEN WINDOW ONTO THE FLOOR, DROPPING THE ADMIRAL. THE HANG-GLIDER WINGS SEAL THE WINDOW BEHIND THEM.
QUINN
Chet! You OK?
CHET
I’m fine, came in a little hard.
ADMIRAL
Ugh. You can say that again.
CHET
The aerofoil wings sealed the broken window perfectly.
LEX
Security’s back on, and the system has, like, no idea you even exist?
QUINN
It sounds like no one heard you - Archie must’ve kept ‘em busy. Guy could talk the horns off a goat.
CHET
Found the safe. You’re up, Admiral. Handprint and retina scan.
ADMIRAL
My pleasure.
QUINN
We could’ve just taken his eye out like in that Avengers movie.
ADMIRAL
I believe your safe is open, Mister Doe.
CHET
Got it! Hit the fire alarms Lex!
LEX
Totally.
SFX: FIRE ALARMS BLATT! throughout the building.
CHET
OK people, meet at the rendezvous in ten.
ARCHIE (OFF)
Ah, well. Sorry gentlemen, the presentation will have to wait.
MUSIC: A wistful french accordion plays "Baby Whale"
EXT. PARIS CAFE - LATER
CHET
This takes me back. Remember how we used to hit this cafe after gigs?
QUINN
Yeah. I remember less company.
ADMIRAL
Don’t mind me!
CHET
Let’s see what we got here...
SFX: Click, as Chet plays a tape.
ATHENA (ON TAPE)
Gentlemen, this communication must be kept secret at all costs.
ADMIRAL
Ah, good old Athena!
CHET
Shh!
ATHENA (ON TAPE)
I will now outline your part in the plan, as well as give you my exact location and oh who am I kidding?
CHET
What? Goddamit!
ATHENA (ON TAPE)
Chetty? Did you really think I was that easy? You’re gonna need more than the Admiral to find me, sweetie. Oh, and this tape will self-destruct. Three...
QUINN
Shit!
CHET
Cover!
ATHENA (ON TAPE)
...two...one...hahahaha! Look at your faces! I mean, I can’t, this is a recording, but I’m sure they’re priceless. Catch you later, my beluga baby!
QUINN
Well that was embarrassing.
CHET
Now what do we do?
ADMIRAL
Are you still carrying the tape you received from the EMF this morning? Perhaps your next glorious assignment will make up for this utter failure!
SFX: Click.
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Good morning, Agent Phillips. Logan Sharpe, the provocateur who recently declared himself a sovereign nation of one within the borders of the United States, has come into possession of documents that may help expand his ill-gotten territory through legal loopholes. Your mission, should you choose to accept it -
SFX: Click.
QUINN
I’ve heard of that guy, Sharpe. It’d be super easy to swing back home and take care of him.
CHET
Does this have anything to do with catching Athena O’Brien?
QUINN
No, boss.
CHET
Then why don’t you do the honors?
SFX: Quinn clicks the recorder on the drone.
QUINN
Sorry, EMF. Rejected.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: Borderline Personalities.
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
SFX: The bleeps and bloops of the briefing room computers.
ZELDA
Quickly, Agent Granger: tell me your objectives on this mission.
SKIP
Yes, Assistant Section Chief! To make it clear to the new Section Chief that we are not merely his pawns. If he expects our cooperation, he needs to give us access to the Athena O’Brien operation, and put Chet Philips, who’s obviously been compromised, on a leash.
ZELDA
Good. I'll wait in the quiet room and listen in. Got it?
SKIP
I got it, Assistant Section Chief!
ZELDA
That's...Skip, are you really going to start addressing me as "Assistant Section Chief"?
SKIP
Well...that's your new title, so...
SFX: Knock knock knock.
SKIP
Ooh! Quick, Assistant Section Chief! Into the quiet room!
ZELDA (sighing)
I'm going.
SFX: The door slams. More knocking.
SKIP
Who is it, please?
PRESCOTT (OFF)
Section Chief Prescott.
SKIP(chuckles, clears throat)
Well, if it really is you, what do you call a failing library with a PR problem?
PRESCOTT (OFF)
Barnes and Noble.
SKIP
Oh. Uh. And...what's the fastest land mammal in North America?
PRESCOTT (OFF)
Ron Paul meeting Sasha Baron Cohen.
SKIP
Wow. Uh...then please come in, Section Chief Prescott!
SFX: The doors opens, and in walks J.J. Prescott.
PRESCOTT
That was nice work with that double password, Agent.
SKIP
Well...thank you, Section Chief! You know, that one password is over four years old, I’m surprised you were familiar with it.
PRESCOTT
I believe the little details shouldn’t be overlooked. So, what did you want to talk to me about?
SKIP
Oh, uh...Section Chief, I need you to know that my team will not be treated as a second-class operation.
PRESCOTT
I absolutely agree.
SKIP
You do?
PRESCOTT
Agent, I’ve reviewed your reports, and I must say, I’m impressed at how you’ve managed to unify your team and maintain order.
SKIP
I have?
PRESCOTT
You know, we’re very similar, you and I. We understand that it’s important to do things by-the-book.
SKIP
By-the-book.
PRESCOTT
We can’t have chaos, can we? And I have complete faith in you, that when the going gets tough, the book will get stuck to.
SKIP
Oh, you can count on me, sir!
PRESCOTT
I’m gonna have my eye on you, Agent Granger.
SKIP
Thank you, sir.
PRESCOTT
I mean, really, we’re gonna have a satellite tracking your movements from space.
SKIP
Oh.
PRESCOTT
I can’t wait to see you in action. You’re really going places.
SKIP
It’ll be a pleasure working with you, Section Chief!
PRESCOTT
The pleasure’s mine, Agent. Come to my office anytime you need, my door’s always open. And, hey, Zelda? If you’re looking for the bathrooms, they’re down the hall.
ZELDA (OFF)
Thanks, J.J.
PRESCOTT
Not a problem! Good luck, Agent Granger! Do us proud! By-the-book!
SKIP
Yessir!
SFX: JJ leaves. Zelda comes out of the safe room.
SKIP
Wow. What a guy.
ZELDA
Yeah.
SFX: DOOR OPENS, AND THE CREW CROWDS IN.
MACKENZIE
Bowden, cut the crap.
BOWDEN
I’m sorry, McGrath, but you’re just not going to be able to penetrate my aura of calm anymore.
GLORIA
It’s true! He watched three episodes of Big Little Lies last night without breaking a sweat!
MACKENZIE
How is that a challenge?
GLORIA
He was up for a speaking role and didn’t get it. (whispering) They said he was too “mature”.
BOWDEN
I just concentrate on my deep breathing. If I hadn’t achieved inner peace while imprisoned in Athena O’Brien’s fortress I might have perished of sorrow.
MACKENZIE
We broke you out after six hours!
GLORIA
Wait - didn’t he save us?
MACKENZIE
I’ve had layovers in airports longer than you were in that cell!
BOWDEN
And yet, you never achieved...true enlightenment.
GLORIA
(swoon)
MACKENZIE
Jesus Christ.
SKIP
OK, everyone, let’s get to work! Gloria, the slide projector. Assistant Section Chief, would you like to conduct the briefing -
ZELDA
Oh, no, Skip, I wouldn’t dream of overshadowing your authority.
GLORIA
We’re ready to go, Agent Granger!
SFX: Click.
SKIP
This man is Logan Sharpe, a -
SFX: An outburst from Gloria and Mackenzie.
MACKENZIE
That’s Logan Sharpe?
GLORIA
That’s not what I thought he’d look like.
MACKENZIE
Right? This guy looks like two nine year-olds in a trench coat.
BOWDEN
Should I...know this person?
GLORIA
He’s a lawyer who gained a cult following on social media by calling out celebrities and politicians he considered too “politically correct”.
MACKENZIE
He’s got a podcast called “Sharpe Cuts.”
BOWDEN
Ah. I don’t listen to podcasts. It’s not an artform.
MACKENZIE
You starred in “Pastanado”.
SKIP
Sharpe made his mark as a libertarian on social media, but he made his fortune finding loopholes in laws and capitalizing on them.
MACKENZIE
Didn’t he sue McDonald’s for infringement on “Old MacDonald Had A Farm”?
GLORIA
Isn’t that in the public domain?
SKIP
Not after he found a loophole and trademarked it.
BOWDEN
Wait, is he the reason I received a cease-and-desist letter after singing “Happy Birthday” to Gloria?
SKIP
Most likely.
BOWDEN
I’m going to need to think cleansing thoughts for a moment.
SKIP
But to explain Sharpe’s latest and most egregious incursion on local law, I’ve brought in an expert -
SFX: Knocking
SKIP
Oh that should be her. Password check, Gloria!
MACKENZIE
Oh jeez.
GLORIA
Hello! What do you call a failing library with a PR problem? Through the door, we hear DOCTOR HERMIONE PICKLE, English, clumsy, constantly befuddled.
DR. PICKLE (OFF)
...uhhhhh...shoot I know this one.
GLORIA
Take your time.
DR. PICKLE (OFF)
Is it Asherbanupal? I mean the old Assyrian library of Asherbanupal? Or Constantinople?
ZELDA
Gloria. Open the door.
GLORIA
She’ll get it, she’s close! It’s a library...
DR. PICKLE (OFF)
It’s just I’ve got an awful lot of stuff in my hands -
GLORIA
...with a PR problem...
MACKENZIE
I’m letting her in. Move, Gloria.
SKIP
McGrath! Don’t open that door!
GLORIA
Uh, I shouldn’t -
DR. PICKLE (OFF)
Oh is it a public library?
SKIP
McGrath, don’t!
MACKENZIE
Come on INNNN -
SFX: Mackenzie opens the door, and Pickle falls onto her and Gloria, dumping piles of maps all over them and spilling everybody to the floor.
MACKENZIE
Jesus Christ, what is all this?
DR. PICKLE
Sorry! Sorry! I just brought my maps with me, and my charts, and my books -
MACKENZIE
Did you bring your entire set of proofs of the Encyclopedia Britannica?
DR. PICKLE
No - should I have?
GLORIA
Here, let me help you up, ma’am.
DR. PICKLE
Oh, thank you so much! I’m just a little...accident prone, sorry.
SKIP
Team, this is Doctor Hermione Pickle, and she’ll be vital to the success of this mission.
MACKENZIE
Here’s your map, lady - Bowden, are you gonna get off your mature ass and help pick up this stuff?
BOWDEN
I’m still cleansing.
SKIP
Doctor Pickle -
MACKENZIE
Your name’s Hermione?
DR. PICKLE
What, oh, yes, oh, mmhm.
MACKENZIE
And Skip - you know what, I’m not gonna say it.
ZELDA
Say what, Ms. McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Forget it, you’ll figure it out.
ZELDA
Figure what out?
SKIP
Sorry Assistant Section Chief, we need to move on -
ZELDA
Skip!
DR. PICKLE
Right right right, sorry, just need to...stick this up here -
GLORIA
Let me help you, Doctor.
DR. PICKLE
Oh thank you love...unroll that -
MACKENZIE
Skip, while this clown show is going on - what kind of doctor is this woman?
SKIP
She’s one of the world’s foremost experts in cartography and national-
MACKENZIE
She’s a map doctor?
SKIP
She’s not a map doctor, McGrath, she helps the U.N. to negotiate border disputes -
DR. PICKLE
There was a dangly bit off the coast of Myanmar that was a real nightmare, lemme tell you -
GLORIA
Ow!
DR. PICKLE
Whoops, sorry love!
GLORIA
Not a problem, just got hit in the nose with Madagascar!
SFX; Finally, the map unfurls.
DR. PICKLE
Ah, here we are! So this bit here is the four-corners junction of Arizona, Utah, Colorado, and New Mexico. And here...
SFX: The map unfruls further
DR. PICKLE
...here are the borders drawn up by Congress in 1876. And notice... there’s a tiny discrepancy.
BOWDEN
What does that have to do with Sharpe?
DR. PICKLE
Well, uh, he noticed before anyone else did.
SKIP
To be precise, he noticed two weeks ago. And before anyone could dispute it, he claimed squatter’s rights, hired a construction company to build a house within the problematic area, and declared the house a sovereign nation separate from the United States of America.
BOWDEN
That’s legal?
DR. PICKLE
Accordingly to international law, uh, technically, yes.
MACKENZIE
So this douchebag now runs an internationally recognized country of one, from his house, inside the continental United States?
SKIP
That’s right.
MACKENZIE
...so what’s the problem?
GLORIA
What’s the problem?
MACKENZIE
Guy formed his own country, good riddance. Hope the door doesn’t hit him in the ass on the way out.
ZELDA
The EMF actually shared your views on this, Ms. McGrath -
MACKENZIE
Really?
ZELDA
At first. But now our intel suggests that Sharpe is going to try his squatter’s tactics again on a landmass more important than the Four-States Crossing.
BOWDEN
Where?
SKIP
That’s what we don’t know.
DR. PICKLE
But he was, ah, tracked, trying to get his hands on a lot of maps from the library of Congress online.
SKIP
So McGrath, we’re going to need you onsite with Doctor Pickle to gather any information, digital or realworld, to figure out which land he’s going to try to grab.
MACKENZIE
So...we’re basically burglarizing a guy’s house?
GLORIA
Except...he’s his own nation?
SKIP
Exactly, Gloria. Any country substantially larger than Sharpe’s nation - that is, any country - who sends an agent across the border could be sanctioned by or even removed from the U.N.
GLORIA
That could upset the geopolitical power balance of the entire world!
MACKENZIE
You’re telling me it’s World War III if someone trespasses on this guy’s lawn?
DR. PICKLE
That’s, uh, well, that’s about right, love.
MACKENZIE
Unbelievable. So how do we get in?
SKIP
We get invited.
MUSIC: ACTION MUSIC.
SKIP
We’ll create a dummy account for a prominent intellectual and provoke Sharpe over social media. We’ll accept Sharpe’s predictable challenge to debate, and then Bowden will arrive at the border disguised as this intellectual.
MACKENZIE
Don’t strain yourself, Bowden.
BOWDEN
You cannot damage my tranquility, McGrath.
SKIP
The rest of us will pose as Bowden’s entourage. Once inside the house, Bowden will keep Sharpe busy by debating him, while McGrath digs through his computer system, and Doctor Pickle confirms any plans we come across.
BOWDEN
And what intellectual will I be duplicating?
SKIP
Noam Chomsky.
SFX: Hard stop on the music.
EVERYONE ELSE
Noam Chomsky?
SKIP
Sharpe won’t be able to resist the legitimization that Chomsky will bring him. Doctor Pickle and McGrath will be his graduate assistants -
DR. PICKLE
Oh, uh -
MACKENZIE
What’ll you and Gloria be, linguistics groupies?
GLORIA
Won’t Noam Chomsky be aware that he’s blowing up on social media?
ZELDA
We’ve arranged a vacation for the real Doctor Chomsky. We’ll expose the account as the work of a Chinese hacker after the mission is complete.
GLORIA
But he’ll have Bowden’s impersonation on tape.
ZELDA
McGrath can leave a trail to a deep audio faker on his computer, everyone will assume he made it up for publicity. And the more he claims the debate actually happened, the more unhinged he’ll appear.
BOWDEN
If only he could learn to release these attachments to worldly desires...
SFX: SnapFace machine finishe printing a mask.
MACKENZIE
Here’s Noam Chomsky’s face, Bowden. Attach it to your worldly desire.
BOWDEN
Om shanti, McGrath.
MACKENZIE
Blow it out your om shanti.
SKIP
To avoid drawing attention we’ll take separate flights and meet near the border of Sharpe’s nation.
DR. PICKLE
Oh, do we, uh, set our watches, or something?
MACKENZIE
You think we’re that organized?
DR. PICKLE
Aren’t you?
MACKENZIE
Sister, watch and learn.
BOWDEN
Breathe out the negativity, McGrath.
SKIP
That’s right! Deep breaths everybody, this is going to go great! Let’s do it, team!
MUSIC: TRANSITION
SFX: Sounds of the airport.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Conference call starting.
SKIP
Hi folks.
MACKENZIE (ON THE PHONE)
Hey Skip. Where you at?
SKIP
I'm at Terminal C, renting a car. We'll drive to the Four state crossings tonight -
GLORIA (ON THE PHONE)
Um, Agent Granger? I'm at Terminal C.
SKIP
Don't look! We can't be seen together -
GLORIA (ON THE PHONE)
There's no one here. Including you. Where are you?
SKIP
I'm at St. George Regional airport.
GLORIA (ON THE PHONE)
Oh. I'm in a different airport.
SKIP
Wait. Where did you three fly into?
GLORIA (ON THE PHONE)
Farmington.
MACKENZIE (ON THE PHONE)
Phoenix.
BOWDEN (ON THE PHONE)
I landed in Denver and took a bus tour through Rio Grande National Park. Those trees, I'll tell ya!
SKIP
But...those cities aren't in Utah! You were supposed to meet in Utah!
MACKENZIE (ON THE PHONE)
I don't go where the Mormons are.
SKIP
Now I'm in Utah, McGrath's in Arizona, Gloria's in New Mexico, and Bowden's in Colorado!
MACKENZIE (ON THE PHONE)
So? We'll all just meet up -
SKIP
We can't! You've got a satellite tracking your every move, and Prescott demanded that this mission go 100 percent by-the-book! I only filed forms with headquarters authorizing us to each operate in one state plus Sharpe's territory!
BOWDEN
...so, we're not getting burritos later?
SKIP (sigh)
Just meet at Sharpe's house.
MUSIC: TRANSTITION
SFX: Skip skulks around the outside of the house.
SKIP
OK, team, check in! I’m in a hedge in Utah, just outside Sharpe’s.
GLORIA (ON THE RADIO)
I’m in New Mexico by the vacant lot where they stowed the construction vehicles used to build the house.
BOWDEN (ON THE RADIO)
I’m in Colorado by his swimming pool.
MACKENZIE
I’m right here.
SKIP
AAH!
MACKENZIE
You’re the worst undercover agent ever, you know that, Skip?
SKIP
McGrath you can’t cross the border you’re supposed to be in Arizona!
MACKENZIE
I am in Arizona. Just ask Hermione here.
DR. PICKLE
Oh uh, hi, Agent Granger. Yes, uh, the border is, uh, right there.
MACKENZIE
So you stay on your side and we’ll stay on ours.
DR. PICKLE
I think, uh, Gloria is signaling you, Agent Granger.
SKIP
I don’t hear the radio.
DR. PICKLE
No she’s waving from New Mexico, right over there.
SKIP
Oh, jeez! OK you two stay here, I’ll be right back.
SFX: Skip hoofs it over to New Mexico.
GLORIA
I’m sorry Agent Granger I didn’t mean to make you walk to New Mexico!
SKIP
It’s fine, Gloria.
GLORIA
This side of the border is swarming with foreign spies!
SKIP
What?!?
GLORIA
They’re speaking fifteen different languages over in the coffee shop! The customers have pens with hidden microphones and cyanide capsules!
SKIP
The international intelligence community must be all over Sharpe! You better scope out the coffee shop and make sure there’s no outside interference, while the rest of us continue the infiltration.
GLORIA
Got it, Skip!
SKIP
I’ll warn the others.
SFX: Skip runs back to Arizona. He’s out of breath.
MACKENZIE
You need to work out more, man.
SKIP
Look, gimme a break, McGrath! I just ran all the way from New Mexico to Arizona.
DR. PICKLE
Now what?
SKIP
Bowden’s on his own. We’ll have to break into the house in our own states.
MACKENZIE
How about that window?
DR. PICKLE
It does, uh, happen to lie right on the border, we could all three of us use it.
SKIP
Fine. Let’s go.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
SFX: The doorbell rings. Footsteps.
SHARPE
...ohhh, friends? Do you hear that sound? That sound like the ring of the bell that starts the Heavyweight Championship Fight? That’s the sound of my doorbell, and if I’m correct, behind it stands the ultimate challenger, the one, the only, the overrated...
SFX: He opens the door.
SHARPE
...Noam Chomsky!
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
Hello, yes, Mister Sharpe.
SHARPE
Step into my country, Noam.
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
Thank you.
SHARPE
Who named you Noam? Is it like a garden Noam, or -
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
It’s uh, it’s a long and rather tedious story, you wouldn’t -
SHARPE
Weren’t you coming with your linguistics graduate students?
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
Oh yes, they were waylaid in a horrible...vocabulary accident.
SHARPE
Sounds like they deserved it, get in here, say hi to the people.
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
Oh, you’re already recording?
SHARPE
I’m always recording. I’m a very creative person, I talk to myself a lot, you never know when genius is gonna fall out of my mouth. And then I cut it together, release it as a podcast, and boom! Art.
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
Yeees, I don’t consider recording oneself to be an art form.
SHARPE
Ha! You know what I like about you, Chomp? Mind if I call you Chomp?
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
I’d rather you not -
SHARPE
You’re not gonna be a snowflake about what I call you, are you?
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
I don’t think there’s a “P” in “Chomsky”.
SHARPE
You’re the most highly decorated linguist in the academic world and you don’t know what a podcast is.
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
That’s right, I don’t bother to know anything about the internet, memes, or Baby Yoda.
SHARPE
You sound like you don’t even know if there’s a “P” in your own name.
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
That’s, uh, probably old age catching up with me, I am ninety-one you know.
SHARPE
Ninety-two.
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
You see what I mean? Can we begin this, uh, art form of yours?
SHARPE
Right to it, I like it! Step into my studio, let’s get some cans on you, Chomp!
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
Sometimes being a linguistics expert means never having to understand what anyone’s talking about...
SFX: They go. The window opens.
DR. PICKLE
Ah. Listen guys, I’m not very good at climbing through windows.
MACKENZIE
Just do it, Pickle.
DR. PICKLE
What if I fall? What if I make noise?
MACKENZIE
He’s in a soundproofed studio, and it’s an interior window, how far are you gonna fall, two feet?
DR. PICKLE
Right. Whhooooooaaaooop!
SFX: She attempts to climb through carefully, and ends up falling onto a landing, and then down an entire flight of stairs.
SKIP
Doctor Pickle! What happened?
DR. PICKLE
Nothing! I’m fine! Just didn’t see that staircase!
SKIP
Oh no. McGrath are you sure there’s no alarms?
MACKENZIE
No, he just stuck a “protected by Lojak” sign out on his lawn. Doctor Pickle bounds back up the stairs and moves past them.
DR. PICKLE
I’ll check the study.
MACKENZIE
Fine. I’ll climb through next.
SKIP
What are you doing? This is the Utah side of the window, you have to stay on the Arizona side!
MACKENZIE
You think I’m gonna climb through half a window?
SKIP
You have to! Remember: by, the, book!
MACKENZIE
Jesus Christ.
SKIP
Here I’ll go through this side. We’ll go back-to-back, that’ll make sure nobody crosses the border.
MACKENZIE
Skip, this is the dumbest goddamn thing we’ve ever done.
SKIP
Do it McGrath!
MACKENZIE
Fine.
SFX: Skip and Mackenzie struggle to squeeze through the window while staying on their own sides.
SKIP
Rgggh just a little more
MACKENZIE
This sucks
MACKENZIE
Uh, Skip?
SKIP
What?
MACKENZIE
We’re gonna fall.
SKIP
You said it wasn’t a big deal!
MACKENZIE
I said that to Pickle cause she’s an idiot! I don’t want fall three feet onto a hard wood floor with you on top of me!
SKIP
You said it was two feet! Oh god we’re going over!
MACKENZIE
Stop wriggling easy Skip!
SFX: Slight gasps, and then, a soft, padded landing.
SKIP
Huh.
MACKENZIE
Huh.
SKIP
How did that happen?
MACKENZIE
Did we just do synchronized back-toback somersaults through a window and land on our feet in perfect crouches?
SKIP
I think we did.
MACKENZIE
Now I wish he did have security cameras because that must have looked amazing.
SKIP
I know, right?
MACKENZIE
I mean maybe we should break into houses more often -
SFX: Pickle bursts out of the study.
DR. PICKLE
Omigod look at these maps I know what he’s doINGG
SFX: Pickle runs into Skip and McGrath and knocks everybody down the stairs. A extremely long and noisy fall, and then everyone lands in a huge, tangled heap.
MACKENZIE
Skip?
SKIP
Yes McGrath?
MACKENZIE
I think I broke my face.
SKIP
Where are you?
MACKENZIE
I’m buried under these maps. All I can see is Greenland.
SKIP
I’m under a complete set of atlases. And I think I landed on some kind of Lego building.
MACKENZIE
Where’s Pickle?
DR. PICKLE
Here, sorry. I think I fell right into a broom closet somehow and the door closed behind me and it’s locked now?
MACKENZIE
We gotta get out of here before Sharpe comes out of his studio.
SKIP
Don’t worry, Bowden will keep him engaged in debate. At heart, Sharpe’s still an American male: he will never allow an argument to end until he’s decisively won it.
SFX: Sharpe bursts into the room, followed by Bowden.
SHARPE
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
I told you, I find it rather more fruitful to get in touch with one’s inner peace than debate -
SHARPE
YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORLD’S MOST RENOWNED DEBATER YOU CAN’T JUST...holy crow what the hell happened to my country?
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
Ahhh...you see, this is what happens when you try to run a libertarian country, who picks up after you?
SFX: Click of a handgun being cocked.
SHARPE
Did you bring someone in here, Chomp?
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
Now hold on, you can’t just wave a gun at me!
SHARPE
These are my maps. OH SHIT THERE’S A SPY RIGHT UNDER MY ATLASES!
SKIP
Hi...
SHARPE
AND HE SMASHED THE MILLENNIUM FALCON! AND WHO’S THIS?
MACKENZIE
OK, I’ll confess, I just need a minute to recover.
SHARPE
Buncha filthy spies! I bet you’re not even Chomsky, are you? I know the deep state’s little tricks -
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
Of course I am!
SHARPE
Yeah? Outline your argument against the viability of perceptrons.
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
Pfft. Everybody knows that.
SHARPE
Uh huh. Let’s see -
BOWDEN/CHOMSKY
No wait -
SFX: Sharpe rips off Bowden's mask.
BOWDEN
I, ah, oh screw it.
SHARPE
Let’s have a conversation, whoever you people are. Step into my studio.
SFX: They all file out of the room at gunpoint.
DR. PICKLE (FROM INSIDE THE CLOSET)
Uh. Hello? Anyone out there? Ah. Hm. Ooh look a Roomba!
MUSIC: TRANSITION
SFX: A rowdy coffee shop.
GLORIA
I haven’t heard from anyone, chief! I’ve been waiting outside the coffee shop for an hour!
ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
I was just starting to appreciate Prescott’s surveillance apparatus when I lost my audio of the house. Gloria...what is all that noise?
GLORIA
Oh. The French and Chinese agents sitting at the outside tables are having a drinking contest and trying to pass it off as Chamber of Commerce meeting.
ZELDA
What - FRENCH AND CHINESE AGENTS? Have they made you?
GLORIA
I’m avoiding them by hiding behind an abandoned bulldozer in the parking lot.
ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
Gloria! Protocols must be followed TO THE LETTER on this mission! If any of those agents find out who you are, Prescott will immediately disavow you and revoke your citizenship! Got me?
GLORIA
Yes ma’am!
ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
Don’t screw this up! Anders out!
SFX: Click. Then a buzz.
GLORIA
Oh jeez! Now who’s calling? Hello?
DR. PICKLE (ON THE PHONE)
Uh, sorry, Gloria?
GLORIA
Doctor Pickle!
DR. PICKLE (ON THE PHONE)
Yeah it’s Hermione, ah, listen, I think, we might, need some guidance?
GLORIA
Why, what’s happening?
DR. PICKLE (ON THE PHONE)
It’s just, ah, we’re having some, well, the team is in a state of, ah, captured? Ness?
GLORIA
WHAT?
DR. PICKLE (ON THE PHONE)
But, ah, good news - they didn’t get me -
GLORIA
Are the others OK?
DR. PICKLE (ON THE PHONE)
Oh, they’re fine, they’re, well, you know, scheduled for, well, execution -
GLORIA
WHAT?
DR. PICKLE (ON THE PHONE)
But I found it! The plans! What he’s doing! It’s Antarctica!
GLORIA
Antarctica?
DR. PICKLE (ON THE PHONE)
Yes! He’s found a loophole in the Antarctic Treaty! According to this, he possesses documents that allow him to, as an interested nation-state, force the UN to annul the treaty!
GLORIA
But that treaty is supposed to stop developed nations from destroying the Antarctic wilderness until 2042, after we’re all long dead!
DR. PICKLE (ON THE PHONE)
Well, uh, if this works, he could claim ownership over the whole continent and sell off the oil and resources and penguins and whatnot, ah, to the highest bidder -
GLORIA
Find the documents! Destroy them!
DR. PICKLE (ON THE PHONE)
Yeah, see, I can’t? I’m hiding in the broom closet -
GLORIA
DAMMIT.
DR. PICKLE (ON THE PHONE)
So what do we do?
GLORIA
...we find a loophole.
DR. PICKLE
What -
SFX: Beep. Gloria hangs up. Then stands and walks over to the next table.
GLORIA
Excuse me?
FRENCH AGENT
Oui?
GLORIA
Hello! My name is Gloria Kovak. I am an American spy.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
SHARPE
Well, friends, I have some disappointing news. I was supposed to be debating the renowned Noam Chomsky, but instead, I’ve got...who are you?
BOWDEN
Isn’t the real question, who are any of us?
SHARPE
Is he like this all the time?
MACKENZIE
Pretty much, these days.
SKIP
Listen, Sharpe! You can’t tie us to chairs and then force us to go on your show and
SHARPE
You three snuck onto my property with high-level government technology. You’re spies.
SKIP
We are not spies! We’re...
MACKENZIE
Fans!
SKIP
Yes! We staged all this to get on your show!
SHARPE
Uh huh. And this wire I pulled off you?
SKIP
It’s...for...my v-log?
SHARPE
Oh look, someone’s calling you. Let’s just switch this to RECEIVE...
SFX: Static.
ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
Granger! Agent Granger! McGrath! Where is everybody?
SKIP
That’s my mom!
ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
Hermione! Granger! I need someone to - oh, now I hear it.
SFX: SNAP. Sharpe switches off the communicator.
SHARPE
So, under international law, I get to kill you.
MACKENZIE
Not on a podcast!
SHARPE
Of course not! That would be cruel! We’ll have a trial. Right now! As a matter of public record!
MACKENZIE
So you get to debate us at gunpoint on your show? And that’s not cruel?
BOWDEN
I can’t deny it would make for great ratings.
SHARPE
So lets go, Mister Fake Chomsky! Why do you deserve to live?
BOWDEN
Deserve.
SHARPE
Yep.
BOWDEN
Life.
SHARPE
Yeeeep.
BOWDEN
Well, those are worldly concepts that bear much scrutiny. Does anyone, truly, deserve life?
MACKENZIE
Is that Eastern philosophy or Lord of the Rings?
BOWDEN
To deserve your life, you must, I believe, live your desserts.
SHARPE
OK I was wrong this is terrible I’m just gonna shoot you all.
SKIP
NononowaitwaitWAIT! You can debate me!
MACKENZIE
No, Skip -
SHARPE
Yes! Debate an agent of the American regime!
SKIP
I mean, that’s an incredibly loaded way of putting it -
SHARPE
So, Skip. Why would you agree to spy on me, who’s just living here, minding my own business?
SKIP
That’s a classified -
SHARPE
Would you say you were just following orders?
SKIP
Well, yes, well wait -
SHARPE
Does that sound familiar? (Adopting a German accent) Just following orders?
SKIP
I believe in a greater good!
MACKENZIE
Oh, god, Skip -
SHARPE
I think Hitler believed in a greater good, too, but -
SKIP
What, no! I believe in the laws of the United States of America!
SHARPE
Hey, so do I! I didn’t break any laws. I’m a lawyer, I should know.
SKIP
But, but -
MACKENZIE
Skip, don’t engage.
SKIP
You ignore the SPIRIT of the law, sir!
SHARPE
But laws are made by common social contract in a democracy, right?
SKIP
Well, right -
SHARPE
So the spirit of the law depends on the spirit of the people, right?
SKIP
I -
SHARPE
And you’d agree that we’re an increasingly fractured culture?
SKIP
Yes but -
SHARPE
Don’t I have a right, any obligation, to protect myself from the inevitable collapse of society?
SKIP
No!
SHARPE
No I can’t protect myself?
SKIP
No I mean yes, that’s not what I mean -
SHARPE
Because people think I’m a jerk means I don’t have a right to self-defense, is that what you’re saying?
SKIP
NO!
BOWDEN
I’m just going to hum a mantra while you debate if nobody else minds.
MACKENZIE
Skip, c’mon, don’t listen to him!
SKIP
HE’S SO WRONG BUT I CAN’T FORM A QUICK AND LUCID COUNTERARGUMENT SO THAT MEANS HE’S RIGHT!
SHARPE
That’s the first valid point you’ve made.
MACKENZIE
Dude, just shut your trap.
SHARPE
Welp, here we go. The last resort of the intellectually beaten, “shut your trap”.
MACKENZIE
You’re not freaking Socrates. You’re an asshole with a fast mouth.
SHARPE
Better than a mouth with a -
MACKENZIE
Whatdyou want, an award for breaking Skip Granger’s mind? I’ve been driving Skip up the wall since the day we met.
BOWDEN
Me too.
MACKENZIE
Bowden too! And you know how Bowden beat me at my own game? He stopped listening to me!
BOWDEN
And cleansing breaths.
MACKENZIE
And cleansing breaths!
SKIP
I need a cleansing breath.
BOWDEN
Let’s all take cleansing breaths.
MACKENZIE
Sure whatever.
SFX: Skip, Mackenzie, and Bowden all take cleansing breaths, although Mackenzie’s is almost in spite, and Skip’s hysterical.
SHARPE
So you’re not gonna debate me because you can’t win, is that it?
MACKENZIE
Cleansing breaths!
SFX: Everyone does it. It’s a little maniacal.
SHARPE
You have no logical leg to stand on, so you’re gonna breathe on me?
MACKENZIE
Cleansing breaths!
SHARPE
You think that proves anything?
MACKENZIE
Cleansing breaths!
SHARPE
OK, that’s getting annoying.
MACKENZIE
CLEANSING BREATHS.
SHARPE
Stop breathing all over me it’s gross.
BOWDEN
Um, I don’t know that you understand the purpose of cleansing breaths, ] Mackenzie.
MACKENZIE
BLOW HIS HOUSE DOWN.
SFX: Skip is super-hard breathing now.
SKIP
I’M BLOWING IT DOWN!
SHARPE
Fine it’s execution time.
MACKENZIE
Oh, he can’t win a debate, so he’s gonna shoot us!
SHARPE
I DID WIN THE DEBATE.
SKIP
BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN!
MACKENZIE
Big brain, brings a gun to a breathing fight -
SKIP
HUFF AND PUFF!
BOWDEN
Skip, you’re gonna hyperventilate.
SHARPE
I’m gonna hyperventilate him right now!
MACKENZIE
Was that a pun? Is that the height of your wordplay?
SHARPE
I - no!
SKIP
HUFF
BOWDEN
Take it down a notch, McGrath!
MACKENZIE
Let’s hear him make one good joke before he shoots us I DARE HIM.
SHARPE
You just watch me!
MACKENZIE
Your mother just watched me!
SKIP
AND PUFF
SHARPE
What does that even mean that doesn’t mean anything!
MACKENZIE
Not to you, STUPID.
BOWDEN
I think we should all reflect -
SKIP
AND I’LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN!
SFX: Skip blows. The ENTIRE HOUSE SHAKES.
SHARPE
WHAT THE F -
BOWDEN
Whoa! Did you feel that?
MACKENZIE
The house shook!
SKIP
I’M DOING IT
SHARPE
HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?
MACKENZIE
Holy crap Skip!
BOWDEN
What’s happening?
SKIP
I’M BLOWING THE HOUSE DOWN!
SFX: Skip blows more. Gloria DRIVES THROUGH THE WALL IN A BULLDOZER.
GLORIA (ON A BULLHORN)
YEEEEHAHHH!
BOWDEN
Gloria!
SHARPE
AAAH YOU CAN’T DRIVE A BULLDOZER THROUGH MY HOUSE THIS IS MY HOUSE!
SFX: Sharpe fires. The bullets ricochet off the bulldozer.
MACKENZIE
Jesus Christ, Gloria, watch where you’re driving that thing!
GLORIA (ON THE BULLHORN)
AAAAAND...GOOD! GET HIM!
SFX: Twenty different foreign agents clamor to arrest Sharpe.
SHARPE
WHAT? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME THIS IS MY COUNTRY!
DR. PICKLE
Right, um, sorry, Mister Sharpe, you see you crossed the border right, excuse me, right here, so you’re in United States jurisdiction now, you see -
SHARPE
I GOT CHASED BY A BULLDOZER! THAT’S NOT FAIR!
GLORIA (ON THE BULLHORN)
Oh is that too SHARPE a CUT? IS IT?
SKIP
Yes! Good zinger Gloria!
MACKENZIE
C’mon Skip. Let’s get out of this dump.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
SFX: The bleeps and bloops of the briefing room.
PRESCOTT
Sooo...let me get this straight.
ZELDA
Cause I sure can’t.
DR. PICKLE
Oh good, I thought I was the daft one.
PRESCOTT
Agent-in-Training Kovak, youdeliberately blew your cover to the French and Chinese -
GLORIA
Yes sir.
PRESCOTT
reported it to my office yourself, and were instantly disavowed -
MACKENZIE
and stripped of citizenship -
SKIP
and drove a bulldozer through Sharpe’s house while unaffiliated with any nation!
BOWDEN
That’s my girl! Brilliant!
PRESCOTT
But...the fact that your action was, by the letter of the law, unaffiliated...it’s just a technicality.
SKIP
Not according to legal precedent, sir, set by none other than Logan Sharpe.
MACKENZIE
Sweet, sweet karma.
BOWDEN
Oh you believe in karma now?
MACKENZIE
I do if it works in my favor.
ZELDA
We’ve had to expunge your action from the French and Chinese government records, create a media narrative around a nonexistent second identity, and fake an entire record of you and Bowden on vacation in Tibet -
BOWDEN
Tibet! We should go there sometime!
GLORIA
Yes! IRL, I mean!
PRESCOTT
But...Sharpe’s legal documents were destroyed, securing the Antarctic Treaty...and on a weird, metalevel, you actually played by the rules.
DR. PICKLE
It was, ah, sort of, using the rules against themselves.
PRESCOTT
Huh. Well, you pulled it off, Agent Granger. Well done, folks! Zelda, I’ll see you at the staff meeting.
SFX: Prescott exits
SKIP
Wow. I’m not used to debriefing without my stomach sinking.
ZELDA
Agent Granger...
SKIP
Ah, my stomach...
ZELDA
Prescott will now leave a paper trail blaming all of us for of the fallout from your mission.
MACKENZIE
What fallout? It went great!
ZELDA
Great? Logan Sharpe used another legal loophole to escape prosecution, and has now disappeared.
MACKENZIE
So did his star ratings on Apple Podcasts, though!
GLORIA
Sick burn!
ZELDA
Are you aware that, using Gloria’s incursion as established precedent, Zuni lawyers have reclaimed a larger portion of the four-corners territory for the Southwestern Tribes?
SKIP
Really?
ZELDA
Really.
SKIP
Well...in fairness, Chief, the Native Americans were there first.
ZELDA
...sure.
MACKENZIE
Total win, then!
GLORIA
Go team!
BOWDEN
Blessings upon us all! Let’s go get appletinis!
DR. PICKLE
Ooo yes! Let’s go get falling-down drunk!
SKIP
It’s on me! Two-drink max!
ZELDA (sighing)
Gloria? Come in four hours early tomorrow to sign all your renaturalization papers.
GLORIA
Will do, Chief!
SKIP
See you tomorrow, Assistant Section Chief! This arrangement with Chief Prescott is working out!
ZELDA
Sure. Whatever.
SFX: Everyone files out. Except...
ZELDA
Ms. McGrath?
MACKENZIE
That’s my name.
ZELDA
Stay for a moment.
MACKENZIE
I’m not missing the first round.
ZELDA
What do you think of Agent Prescott?
MACKENZIE
I try not to.
ZELDA
He’s just another suit who you’d love to take down a peg if you had half a chance?
MACKENZIE
Pretty much, yeah. Why?
ZELDA
...come in and close the door, Ms. McGrath. Let’s chat.
MUSIC: END CREDITS
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by Pete Barry.
It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarkpaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chiet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice.
Also starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jean Barry as Quinn Corrino, Jill Ivey as Lex and Bob Killion as Archie, Noam Chomsky and The Admiral.
Guest starring Dave Serfass as J.J. Prescott, Shannon Perry as Dr. Hermonie Pickle, Danny Epstien as Logan Sharpe and Chad Ellis as Matthew Leads.
Shannon Perry is the creator and star of Oz-9, a sci-fi comedy podcast. Find out more at www.oz-9.com. Chad Ellis is the creator and star of Station Blue, an atmospheric isolation horror podcast. Find out more at stationblue.libsyn.com
Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry with engineering by Karen Yang. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Instagram and Twitter: @Missionrejected. Support us on Patreon for bonus audio, exclusive bonus material and more at www.patreon.com/missionrejected. This has been a Porch Room production, copywright 2020 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
MUSIC FADES.
SFX: THE HOWLING ANTARCTIC WASTES.
SFX: A heavy steel door swings open. The click of a recorder.
MATTHEW LEADS
This is Matthew Leads, alone at Station Blue, Antarctica, report day forty three - oh god! Oh god I’m losing it. There’s...I’m seeing someone...out there on the ice...c’mon Matthew, that’s not possible...no one could be...
SFX: Footsteps in the snow as Leads approaches.
SHARPE
...so I say to the guy, go ahead, define “legal”. And he says - hey!
MATTHEW LEADS
Uh...hey? Are you living in this tiny shack?
SHARPE
Yup!
MATTHEW LEADS
Do you want...to come inside the station...?
SHARPE
No! I’m staying right here and staking my claim!
MATTHEW LEADS
But -
SHARPE
This is my territory!
MATTHEW LEADS
It’s the South Pole, nobody owns it.
SHARPE
I do! I own everything you see!
MATTHEW LEADS
OK. I am hallucinating. I’m going back inside; soul-destroying loneliness is way better than this guy.
SFX: Leads heads back inside.
SHARPE
That’s right, sucker! You run! That jackass wasn’t used to facing the truth, friends! Just like Noam Chomsky, who still refuses to come down here and debate me. Who’s the coward now, Noam?
MUSIC: STINGER