Season Two, Episode One: “HAZY AND DISTANT DANGER”
Transcript
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
SFX: Waves gently lap against Zelda’s boat. The remains of
the Admiral’s ship still burning in the distance.
SFX: Zelda pushes a button on her walkie. Nothing but static.
She speaks into it anyway.
ZELDA
This is Triforce One. Does anyone copy? This is Triforce One requesting all parties respond.
SFX: Static.
ZELDA (CONT'D)
Where are you, Skip? You did not go down with that ship.
SFX: McGrath suddenly emerges from under water. She’s gasping for air.
MACKENZIE
Help!
ZELDA
McGrath! Hold on! Hold on! I’ve got you. Get ahold of me, I’ll pull you in.
SFX: McGrath grabs hold of Zelda and is pulled on board the
boat.
MACKENZIE (Panting)
Thanks, Zelda. Oh, man. I thought...I was dead. But the whole OS was built on a simple redistribution of Linux. What a joke - I rebooted those engines like it was nothing. I SWEAR I
rebooted those engines. But the ship still exploded?
SFX: A piece of the ship explodes in the distance.
ZELDA
Quite spectacularly.
MACKENZIE
What about the others? Skip?
ZELDA
No sign of anyone yet, but if anyone could survive a situation like this it’s -
MACKENZIE
Don’t finish that sentence. I can’t bare to think about how inaccurate it is. (Coughs violently)
ZELDA
Here, drink this. It’s the last of the water I’m afraid.
SFX: McGrath chugs down the small amount of water left.
MACKENZIE
Alright, Zelda, let’s get this puppy going. We gotta find Skip and the others.
ZELDA
Motor’s dead. So is Lt. Valerian.
MACKENZIE
What are we supposed to do?
ZELDA
It’s been nearly 48 hours since we left headquarters. So, if my calculations are correct...
SFX: A drone approaches in the distance.
ZELDA (CONT'D)
Right on time.
MACKENZIE
I have never been so happy to know that big brother is watching.
SFX: The drone lands. Zelda presses play on its tape machine.
MISSION VOICE (On tape)
Good morning, Section Chief. Satellite images show that the Ocean Bureau cruise ship known as the SS Russet sank to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. As this was your last known location and we have not received any communication from you - you will be assumed dead and
disavowed in the next 12 hours. But...just in case you are alive, I need to put in for two weeks vacation starting Monday. I got tickets to see Celine in Vegas.
SFX: Zelda stops the tape.
ZELDA
Rejected.
MUSIC: Theme song.
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “Hazy and Distant Danger.”
EXT. CASSANDRA’S ISLAND - DAY
SFX: Waves crashing against the beach. Chet Phillips and Cassandra Helsinki are laughing.
CASSANDRA
No way, Phillips, you’re telling me Bigfoot is real?
CHET
And thinking of running for state senator next term. Good guy. Helped me take out a couple of Canadian drug runners at the border.
CASSANDRA
Radical.
CHET
So. Cassandra Helsinki. What is that...French? What’s it take to get a dirty martini around here?
CASSANDRA
Sorry, dude. All I’ve got here is pure Antarctic glacier water and a case of Tab. But if you’re hungry, I’ve still got some salted Globetrotter thigh we could heat up.
CHET
Huh?
CASSANDRA
One hundred percent natural. No additives of any kind!
CHET
Ehh...
SFX: Skip approaches, panting, and drops a heavy stone at Chet’s feet.
SKIP
No, no. No need to help. I’ll just carry all these boulders from the jungle to the shoreline all by
myself, thanks.
CHET
And you are doing a bang up job, Agent Granger. (Beat) What are you doing again?
SKIP
Trying to spell out HELP along the shore line in rocks. That way, if a plane passes over head, they might see.
CASSANDRA
What is this, the last episode of MASH?
CHET
Look, Skip, why don’t you just relax? From what Cassandra here has told me, this island is about as far away from shipping lanes and flight paths as you could possibly be. We’re going to be here for a while, so you might as well just relax and enjoy it.
SKIP
Miss Helsinki, remind me again how it is you got here?
CASSANDRA
I never really trusted Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Damrow or Sherman. So I’d had a long term exit plan in place. We’d been cooking the books for this half pint despot named El Pato. He controlled a couple of out of the way islands for weapons testing - when those alien clones came crashing through my roof a few months ago, I knew it was time to split and I came right here.
SKIP
Ah. Right. Alien clones. So, however you got here - plane, boat - we can use it to go back, right?
CASSANDRA
Nah, sorry, duder. I’ve got a plane, but I’m currently living in it.
SKIP
Fine. FINE. Not a problem. I’m going to finish spelling out HELP. I’m sure it won’t matter, because any moment now, Mackenzie is going to come along with a brilliant rescue or Gloria is going to come parachuting out of the sky or that fish is going to rip off it’s face and reveal it’s really Bowden! Please be, Bowden, Mr. Fish. Are you Bowden?
CASSANDRA
Woah. He’s losing it. Awesome.
CHET
Look, Skip, I know this is hard, but I think you need to consider that no one else made it off that boat. Your team isn’t coming to rescue you.
SKIP
Agent Phillips, you don’t know my team. Besides, you are an Alpha Level asset. EMF might leave me for dead, but they’re going to need to see your cold, dead body before they give up on you. So like it or not, you’re our ticket home.
CHET
Look, Granger, there’s no one left to send! You were the bottom of the barrel.
SKIP
Chapter 7, Section 5, Paragraph 3 of the EMF Operations Handbook - Chain of Command Procedures. In an Emergency Situation, EMF may deputize contracted experts to field agents or coordinate with other federal agencies to complete the mission. They’ll find somebody.
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
SFX: The familiar beeps and bloops of the EMF Briefing Room. A group of people talking to each other indistinctly. Two voices come into focus.
LARRY
Excuse me, do you know how long this is going to take?
MISSION VOICE
It better be quick, I’ve got wheels up in an hour.
LARRY
You have a magnificent speaking voice. Have you ever considered voice work?
MISSION VOICE
You’re joking, right?
SFX: The door opens and a man’s brisk footsteps cut through the chatter.
PRESCOTT
Alright, everyone, a little order please. Thank you for coming on such short notice. My name is Special Agent J.J. Prescott. I’m on temporary assignment here from the Federal Bureau of Investigation as part of the Emergency Secrets Act of 1984. As you may have heard, the last authorized EMF team, led by Section Chief Zelda Anders, has gone missing in the Pacific Ocean. Our mission, should we choose to accept it, is to pick up where they left off and retrieve Special Agent Chet Phillips - dead or alive. You are the most recently active EMF contractors, and as such, I have the authority to deputize any of you into the field. Why don’t we go around the room and see who we’ve got?
LEGRANGE
Sure thing, Johnny! Dr. Karol Legrange, scientific services. But if ve are planning to go into the
field - I should tell you I just injected myself with an experimental brain compound and...BOY HOWDY, IS IT JUST ME OR IZ THIS GUY A UNICORN?
PRESCOTT
I think she needs a doctor!
STUDEBAKER
Dr. Biff Studebaker, your honor. Great Scott, I think he IS a unicorn! Wait, Karol, did you inject me as well?
LEGRANGE
You betcha, Biff.
STUDEBAKER
Oh, thank god. For a moment, I thought it was pledge night in my a cappella group all over again.
PRESCOTT
So that’s two nos. Next?
LARRY
Hi, Larry Hastings, bass-baritone.
PRESCOTT
Oh yes, weren’t you involved in that data tape incident with Kristatos O’Brien?
LARRY
Conan O’Brien?
PRESCOTT
What?
LARRY
No, YES AND...
GILLIGAN
Excuse me, Agent Prescott. I have terrible allergies.
PRESCOTT
And you are?
GILLIGAN
Stuart Gilligan, forensic accountant. (SNIFF) Oh yeah, Daddy’s riding the wave.
PRESCOTT
Mr. Gilligan, are you doing drugs on government property?
GILLIGAN
It’s allergy medication!
LEGRANGE
Oh yeah, zat reminds me, here’s your refill, Sneezy.
SFX: She slides a bag across the table to Gilligan, who opens it and takes out the nasal spray.
GILLIGAN
(SNIFF SNIFF) Ooooh yeeeeeah, the doctor’s special blend... AAAHHHHH!
PRESCOTT
Someone make sure he doesn’t choke on his on tongue. Alright, next. Miss...
CARDAMOM
Brandy. Cardamom Brandy.
PRESCOTT
Ah yes, Ms. Brandy. I read your file. Excellent work on the Blaze Taggert case.
CARDAMOM
Thank you. I’m afraid to ask, but has there been any word from the team? From Mr. Montcrief?
PRESCOTT
No, I’m sorry. The last we knew -
SFX: The door bursts open and in run two hyper pre-teens.
AUSTIN
Moooooooom! It’s time to go!
ROBBIE
Mom, I want gum!
LEGRANGE
Wowzers! Smurfs!
CARDAMOM
Austin! Robbie! I told you to wait outside, mommy’s working!
AUSTIN
You said TEN MINUTES. It’s been FIVE MINUTES! That’s like...almost ten!
CARDAMOM
I’m sorry, Agent Prescott. My husband is away at a conference and I couldn’t get a sitter at such late notice. I think it’s better if I go. If I could be of any help...
LEGRANGE
Here you go, little Smurf, have some experimental brain compound! It’s squishy like gum!
ROBBIE
Cooool.
CARDAMOM
ROBBIE DO NOT EAT THAT! Okay, we gotta go. To the car - now. Sorry, Agent Prescott. Let me know if you find Bo.
ROBBIE
Who’s Bo?
AUSTIN
Probably your real dad.
CARDAMOM
Out.
SFX: Cardamom leads the boys out of the room.
LEGRANGE
What nice Smurfs.
STUDEBAKER
I dunno, they were kinda hairy for Smurfs.
GILLIGAN
(Disgusting gargle)
LARRY
Excuse me, would you like me do my monologue now or can I go? I hear they’re auditioning for the new face of the Gordon’s Fisherman this afternoon.
PRESCOTT
This is not what I expected the EMF to be like. Is there no one else? This mission will need some muscle. Where’s Dixon Cain?
MISSION VOICE
In a full body cast and possibly a coma after his loss to Crackjaw.
PRESCOTT
So this is it. The sum total of the Extraordinary Missions Force?
MISSION VOICE
It only gets worse from here. Want to talk to the insane Italian race car driver or the plumber with PTSD?
PRESCOTT
And what about you?
MISSION VOICE
Two weeks vacation. See ya later,kids.
SFX: Mission Voice gets up from his seat.
LEGRANGE
Give my best to Celine. Tell her I’m still working on her next batch of de-aging serum.
SFX: Door opens and closes as Mission Voice leaves.
PRESCOTT (Basically to himself)
Okay. So this is going to be a challenge. That’s alright, J.J., you didn’t read “Chicken Soup for the Secret Agent’s Soul” for nothing. I got this.
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
SFX: Waves, as before. Zelda is fiddling with the drone, which makes a few negative sounding beeps.
MACKENZIE
I’m telling you, I cracked the stupid Admiral’s stupid codes and rebooted those engines. I accept the ship may have still sank due to the stress, but explode? No. No way.
ZELDA
Please, Ms. McGrath - I am trying to concentrate on turning this drone into a homing device. Something, I might add, where your particular skills would be most helpful.
MACKENZIE
You would think! Now, I don’t know! What did I miss in that computer program? Did I misread the engine’s status? Don’t let me near that drone, Zelda, it will probably explode right in my hands!
ZELDA
Fine. I will do it. Just please be quiet.
MACKENZIE
I can’t. I need to keep talking, or I’ll start thinking about it.
ZELDA
About what?
MACKENZIE
I killed Skip. And Bowden. And Gloria.
ZELDA
Ms. McGrath, I will not have any talk like that from any of my agents, do you understand me?
MACKENZIE
I’m not an agent. Put me back in jail. I’m serious. The only real friends I’ve ever had and I let them die. I don’t deserve to be called an agent.
ZELDA
You stood your ground. You did everything you could to make sure they had the best chance possible to escape. The psychopaths on that ship are the ones responsible for what happened.
MACKENZIE
For killing our friends.
ZELDA
We don’t know that.
MACKENZIE
We do! I should have gone with Skip. I never should have left him alone.
ZELDA
You did what you had to do. That’s how we work. BUT - If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past year, it’s not to under estimate Skip Granger. We’re not giving up on him or Gloria or Bowden. Because wherever they are, Mackenzie, they’re not giving up on us. But before we can do anything, we need to get off this boat and I can’t figure out why I can’t get a signal out of this
drone’s transmitter.
SFX: McGrath takes a deep breath. Zelda hands her the transmitter.
MACKENZIE
Fine. (She tinkers for a moment) That’s weird. It seems to be working perfectly. The signal’s just dying out instantly. Like it’s being jammed.
ZELDA
What could be jamming us way out here?
SFX: A helicopter flies in and hovers over the ship.
MACKENZIE
Holy cannoli! We’re rescued!
ZELDA
No, I think we just found out who’s jamming us. It’s Athena O’Brien!
ATHENA (Megaphone)
Hello, suckers. Why don’t you come up and meet my personal helicopter pilot, Lucky? Lucky, let’s give our friends here a lift? Lower the ladder!
LUCKY
Yes, m’am.
MACKENZIE
I didn’t think it was possible to be unhappy about being rescued.
EXT. CASSANDRA'S ISLAND - DAY
SFX: Skip still straining as he tries to spell out HELP in rocks.
SKIP (Panting)
Okay! That’s the E! Half way there.
CHET
Hey, Granger, I discovered that if you let coconut milk go bad, it’s almost as strong as a Pina Colada. Why don’t you take a break with me?
SKIP
I don’t want to take a break. I want to get off this island. Why don’t you?
CHET
If I’ve learned anything this past year, it’s that everything happens for a reason. All you have to do is go with it. Become one with the ocean.
SKIP
You stupid, brain-washed son of a -
SFX: Athena’s helicopter flies overhead.
SKIP (CONT'D)
A PLANE! WE’RE RESCUED! QUICK, QUICK, HELP ME FINISH SPELLING OUT “HELP”! IT ONLY SAYS “HE” RIGHT NOW!
CHET
I think it’s landing on the other side of the island.
SKIP
DO YOU THINK THEY SAW MY SIGN? DO YOU THINK THEY KNOW WHAT “HE
MEANS? WHAT IF THEY THINK IT’S JUST THE CHEMICAL SIGN FOR HELIUM?
CHET
Skip. Why don’t you try and find where it landed?
SKIP
THAT’S...THAT’S...That’s actually a really good idea. Thank you, Agent Phillips. I’m sorry I yelled at you.
CHET
It’s fine. Call me Chet. (Sigh) Look, maybe I should come with you. Make sure you don’t get eaten by a Komodo Dragon or something.
SKIP
Should we get Cassandra?
CHET
No, she said she was going to try and Phil Silvers-proof the island. Whatever that means.
SKIP
Could be a long walk. I wish we had some provisions.
CHET
Cassandra gave me some jerky, but -
SKIP
Yeeeah..let’s just get moving.
INT. ATHENA’S LAIR
SFX: The helicopter lands and the blades come to a halt.
ATHENA
Last stop. Everybody out.
ZELDA
Would you PLEASE stop waving that gun in my face? We are quite clearly your prisoners.
MACKENZIE
Zelda, I can’t tell you how many times I dreamed about you being hauled away. I take them all back.
SFX: Athena pulls the women out of the helicopter. She pulls out a gun, cocks it and points it at them.
ATHENA
Come on, Chatty Cathys, let’s go. I’ve got a lovely prison cell with your names on it. Lucky, keep the chopper running, I won’t be long.
LUCKY
Yes, m’am. Become one with the ocean!
ATHENA
Lucky, how many times do I have to tell you? I destroyed the Ocean Bureau. You work for me now.
LUCKY
Right. Right. Sorry, m’am. Become one with...the potatoes?
ATHENA
Just...keep the engine on.
SFX: Athena marches McGrath and Zelda through a cave-like hallway into the holding cell area.
MACKENZIE
Am I really seeing this? Are we in an underground cave lair?
ATHENA
I know it’s a little cliché, but you just wouldn’t believe how convenient they are when you’re an up and coming super villain.
ZELDA
So this is why you joined the Oceanologists? To steal from them?
ATHENA
The Admiral and his brain washed hippies made a great cover, don’t you think? Money, assets, whole criminal empires all handed over to The Admiral in exchange for “enlightenment.” He trusted me completely and never saw that I was poised to take it all for myself. Now begins the Age of Athena and you, Ms. McGrath, can be a part of it.
MACKENZIE
Are you out of your mind?
ATHENA
I know you hate the EMF and I’m looking for a few good women to help run the world. I could use the skills of someone who can write an OS from scratch while on a sinking ship.
MACKENZIE
Why would I EVER come work for you?
ATHENA
Because if you do, I’ll let your friends live.
MACKENZIE
Friends?
SFX: Athena opens a heavy door. Squeals of delight from our heroes as they discover Bowden and Gloria inside the next room.
GLORIA
Miss McGrath! Section Chief!
BOWDEN
Thank the Theater Gods, you’re both okay!
MACKENZIE
Bowden! Gloria! You’re alive! I’ve never been so happy to see anyone in my whole life!
BOWDEN
The feeling is more than mutual. Come here, McGrath, you magnificent woman!
SFX: Bowden gives McGrath a bear hug.
MACKENZIE
Take it easy, take it easy.
ATHENA
So, do we have a deal, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Blow it out your ass, Athena.
ATHENA
I think you’re being extremely short sighted. Oh well. Your funeral. Literally. Enjoy your stay, Extraordinary Mission Freaks. It’s been real.
SFX: Athena slams the door behind her.
GLORIA
The insults were uncalled for.
ZELDA
Gloria, how did you two end up here?
GLORIA
Bowden was dangling over the engines. They were about to blow, but I couldn’t let go of him. He looked me dead in the eyes and said “It’s going to be alright.”
BOWDEN
Because I could see that the perfect escape was just underneath me - one of the kitchen’s walk-in refrigerators! I dropped in, Gloria jumped in after me - and when the ship blew, we Crystal Skulled it out of there like a torpedo! If we ever get out of this lair, I owe Spielberg a big apology.
GLORIA
Unfortunately, when we surfaced, it was right under Athena O’Brien’s helicopter. She locked us up here a few hours ago.
MACKENZIE
But...where’s Skip?
BOWDEN
He’s not with you?
ZELDA
No sign of him.
GLORIA
I’m sure he’s going to be fine. He’s...Agent Granger.
EXT. THE JUNGLE
SFX: Chet and Skip make their way through a thick jungle. Pulling down vines and cutting through the brush as best they can.
SKIP
This forest is so thick.
CHET
This reminds me of a time I was down in Panama. That was the first time I had my gold star team with me: Lex, Archie, Quinn. Geez I miss them. I hate to admit it, Granger, but maybe THIS is just what I needed. Getting back out in the field. Having a clear directive. I’m starting to feel like my old self again.
SKIP
I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear you say that.
CHET
I think I underestimated you, Granger. I admit, when you were just a pencil pusher farming out
pass phrases, I didn’t think much of you. If I thought of you at all. How wrong was I, huh? Out in the filed for a year, leading a crack team...saving the life of the greatest spy there ever was: ME!
SKIP
This past year, all I tried to do in every situation is figure out how you would have gotten the job done.
CHET
Let me guess - you’re a youngest child.
SKIP
Middle, actually. Of seven. Three brothers, three sisters.
CHET
(Whistles in surprise) Mother Granger was a busy woman.
SKIP
Well, dad was in the foreign service and away for long stretches. Mom used to say they enjoyed making up for lost time.
CHET
So, government work is the family business, eh?
SKIP
No, dad didn’t want us to follow in his footsteps. My sisters are an Olympic softball player, a cancer scientist and an investigative journalist. My brothers are a lawyer and a child psychologist.
CHET
Man. Keeping up with the Grangers.
SKIP
But when my dad died, I wanted to honor him by continuing the work he loved. I got recruited as a low level CIA analyst until Section Chief Anders pulled me into the EMF...Phillips, look! Water!
SFX: Skip takes a sip.
SKIP (CONT'D)
It’s fresh! Come on, get in here!
SFX: Chet and Skip drink from their hands.
CHET
I thought you said you had three brothers.
SKIP
Hmm?
CHET
A lawyer, a doctor and a...
SKIP
Oh. I don’t really know. I lost touch with Trip a long time ago.
CHET
Your brother’s name is Trip Granger?
SKIP
Come on. We’re losing daylight. We need to find where that copter landed.
SFX: Skip heads deeper into the jungle.
CHET
Skip and Trip?
INT. ATHENA'S LAIR
SFX: McGrath fiddles with a lock. Bowden is in some sort of meditative trance.
BOWDEN
Ohm. Ohm. Ohhhhhhmmmm.
MACKENZIE
Almost...got...it...
SFX: Snap.
MACKENZIE (CONT'D)
Damn it.
GLORIA
Oh, I knew I should have taken the lock picking elective in my last round of trainings. But “50 Ways To Kill a Man with an Egg” was just too tempting.
ZELDA
I really need to re-examine that course catalog.
GLORIA
Do you want another bobby pin, Miss McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Fifteenth time’s the charm.
ZELDA
Gloria, where are you keeping all of those pins?
GLORIA
Handbook regulations, m’am. Female agents are required to keep no less than twenty-five bobby pins and one male fitting prophylactic on them at all times.
ZELDA
Agent Granger is right. That book does need updating.
GLORIA
It really does.
MACKENZIE
Yes. Yes. This time...I’ve...
BOWDEN
OHHHHHHMMMMMMMM
SFX: Snap!
MACKENZIE
God damn it, Bowden!
BOWDEN
OHM!
MACKENZIE
WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU DOING?
BOWDEN
McGrath. Mackenzie. My recent experiences coming to terms with my acting career, prioritizing personal relationships, focusing on the good work EMF does...
GLORIA
And being blasted out of sinking ship in a Frigidaire...
BOWDEN
...and that...have led me to discover a certain clarity. An inner peace that has opened my mind to face any challenge calmly and purposefully.
MACKENZIE
Did he fall into one of those Oceanologist brain washing machines?
BOWDEN
Oh, McGrath. Always quick with a zesty and poignant barb.
MACKENZIE
Just...be quiet while I get this lock open so we can get the hell out of here.
BOWDEN
Actually...may I?
MACKENZIE
You’re going to pick the lock? Yeah, sure, I could use a laugh. Be my guest.
BOWDEN
Gloria, hair pin.
GLORIA
Hair pin.
SFX: Bowden rhythmically jiggles the pin in the lock.
BOWDEN
Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!
SFX: The lock opens.
BOWDEN (CONT'D)
Voila!
MACKENZIE
Son of a...
ZELDA
Good work, Bowden. Come on, everyone, let’s move out. There must be some sort of communications center in this place.
GLORIA
Oh, Bo! How did you do that?
BOWDEN
Like I said - a clear mind acting with purpose. Also, I did a three day workshop on lock picking and how to cheat at Mahjong with Penn & Teller.
GLORIA
I’m guessing you don’t want me to tell Miss McGrath that.
BOWDEN
Gloria, you always know what I’m thinking.
MUSIC/SFX: A short transition as we move deeper into the lair. As we move into a new room, a faint but powerful electric hum is heard. Everyone is now walking on some sort of grated metal pathway.
ZELDA
This is it, this is where Athena came in on the helicopter. Bowden, see if you can find a way to open those hanger bay doors at the other end of the room.
BOWDEN
On it, Chief.
MACKENZIE
Holy Toledo, look at this place! These generators are massive!
ZELDA
This island can’t be that big. And every other room we’ve been in has only had basic work lights. What does Athena O’Brien need all this electricity for?
GLORIA
Miss McGrath, come take a look at this computer terminal! Is this what I think it is?
MACKENZIE
It looks like some sort of a satellite controls...but these coordinates - they’re not in space.
SFX: Bowden has found a way to open the doors, which begin to slowly slide apart.
BOWDEN
No, I think they’re RIGHT HERE. Look - just beyond the hanger doors on those two smaller islands.
GLORIA
Massive satellite dishes!
ZELDA
But are they receiving or...
MACKENZIE
Transmitting! I KNEW IT! I KNEW I REBOOTED THOSE ENGINES!
ZELDA
What?
MACKENZIE
Look at these command lines, Zelda! The two dishes are programmed to output a MASSIVE disruption field. More than powerful enough to overload the engines of any ship that went through them - and they’re pointed right where the Ocean Bureau ship went down. Nothing I could have done would have stopped the ship from sinking.
ZELDA
What’s the range on those things?
MACKENZIE
Right now they’re set to a very narrow field, but in theory, they could broadcast almost anywhere in the world...and I’m guessing they can be controlled remotely.
GLORIA
That means Athena O’Brien would have total control over the waters. Shipping, military ships, medical aide - they’d all be at her mercy.
MACKENZIE
The sky too. Anything that flew anywhere NEAR these things would go down.
BOWDEN
We can’t allow that to happen, can we? McGrath, shut it down.
MACKENZIE
Already on it. Nobody gets in Mackenzie McGrath’s head and lives to tell about it...
INT. NAVAL WARSHIP - BRIDGE
SFX: A jet flies overhead. The sounds of a bridge.
PVT. BARRY (Speaking to a radio)
PF 21-Niner, you are cleared to depart. Safe travels. (Cuts off radio) Captain, the civilian liaison has just deplaned and is on his way to the bridge.
CAPTAIN KIRK
Excellent.
SFX: The door opens and Prescott enters.
PRESCOTT
Captain. Special Agent JJ Prescott, EMF. May I present to you my form J46 “Confirmation of Temporary Transfer”, my form D27 code word clearance authorization and my 1013 rabies vaccination history. Just to be thorough.
CAPTAIN KIRK
Welcome aboard, agent. You got here just in time. We should be arriving at the site of the shipwreck at oh-thirty hours.
PRESCOTT
Excellent. The FBI and the EMF appreciate the Navy’s cooperation.
CAPTAIN KIRK
Our pleasure. Frankly, we’re glad for the action. We’ve been under orders to patrol the coast of Colorado...
PRESCOTT
But Colorado is -
PVT. BARRY
Captain, we’re getting an unusual transmission. I think you better take a listen.
CAPTAIN KIRK
Put it on.
SFX: A burst of radio static and then...
ATHENA (On Radio)
Attention moms and dads and all our ships at sea! This is your new commander, Athena O’Brien. To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?
SFX: The captain picks up a radio microphone.
CAPTAIN KIRK
This is Captain James Kirk of the USS Enterprise.
ATHENA (On radio)
Wait. SERIOUSLY?
CAPTAIN KIRK
Seriously.
PRESCOTT
Seriously?
CAPTAIN KIRK
Yes, seriously. Why does everyone always ask me that?
ATHENA (On radio)
Whatever. Listen, I’m just giving you a heads up that if you don’t turn back now, I’m going to have to blow up your ship. I don’t really want to, but I gotta tell you, I’m not really against it either.
CAPTAIN KIRK
Any act against this vessel can and will be considered an act of war.
ATHENA (On radio)
Okay. Well...your funeral. Oh! And you'll actually have one.
CAPTAIN KIRK
Private, tell the engine room to increase speed by fifty knots.
PVT. BARRY
Aye, aye.
PRESCOTT
Captain, we don’t know what caused the Ocean Bureau ship to sink. What if this Athena O’Brien does have some sort of first strike capacity?
CAPTAIN KIRK
Risk is part of the game if you want to sit in the captain’s chair.
PRESCOTT
I DON’T want to sit in the captain's chair. I want to stay alive.
CAPTAIN KIRK
Son, this ship will not go down. There are over three hundred human lives on this boat and one iguana. Those lives are my responsibility. I didn’t let Colorado fall and I won’t let the Enterprise either.
PRESCOTT
But...oh, never mind.
INT. ATHENA'S LAIR
MACKENZIE
Okay, I don’t know if she programmed these herself, but if she did, I’ll give her this - Athena O’Brien is a hell of a lot better at firewalls than The Admiral.
ZELDA
Not to put undue pressure on you, but how much longer, Ms. McGrath?
MACKENZIE
I don’t know. Even the subroutines have subroutines and they’re all behind pretty sophisticate layers of protection.
ATHENA (On radio)
This is your last warning, Enterprise. Turn back or join the Admiral at the bottom of the ocean.
GLORIA
Why do supervillains have to have loudspeakers EVERYWHERE?
BOWDEN
Sheer narcissism. I should know - I once house sat for David Caruso.
GLORIA
Miss McGrath, it sounds like that Navy ship is going to be here sooner rather than later.
MACKENZIE
I know! I know!
BOWDEN
Why don’t we all give Mac a little space, everybody? McGrath...become one with your keyboard. OHM. OHM.
MACKENZIE
Bowden, I am going to break every bone in your larynx if you don’t SHUT UP.
BOWDEN
Gloria, when we get home remind me to lend McGrath some of my Shirley MacLaine books on tape.
MACKENZIE
You know what, Bowden? Why don’t you and your CLEAR MIND take a crack at decrypting military grade satellite software, you cotton headed dimwit?
GLORIA
Miss McGrath, I know you are under a lot of pressure right now, but I don’t think insults will help. Bowden was just -
MACKENZIE
AND YOU’RE ALWAYS DEFENDING HIM!
GLORIA
I am not! There have been plenty of times when I have called him out on his crap.
BOWDEN
And I DEEPLY respect that.
ZELDA
Bowden, please stop being zen for a SECOND and focus. There is a job at hand and we are running out of time to save that naval ship!
BOWDEN
You know, Zelda, in my new state of clarity, it’s obvious now that you should have never come out into the field with us.
ZELDA
And why is that?
BOWDEN
Because it was terribly short sighted! When we inevitably got into trouble, who was going to come save us?
ZELDA
Mr. Montcrief, let’s remember how short sighted I am the next time you ask for time off to do a commercial for old men who can’t get it up!
BOWDEN
Viagra has multiple medical uses...and YOU KNOW VERY WELL I NEVER BOOKED THAT JOB. No, no, don’t dwell on the past, Bowden. Calm. Calm. OHM. OHM. OHM.
MACKENZIE
Just give me a second to find some rebar so I can CRUSH HIS WIND PIPE.
BOWDEN
OHM!
GLORIA
Miss McGrath, I hate to do this, but as you are only an EMF contractor and I am an official agent-in-training, I order you to get back to hacking those satellites.
MACKENZIE
You can’t order me around!
ZELDA
No, she can’t. But I can. Get on those computers, McGrath!
GLORIA
Section 7, Subparagraph 3 of the EMF Handbook clearly states that an agent-in-training...
ZELDA
Gloria, SHOVE IT.
BOWDEN
OHM! OHM!
MACKENZIE
Well, this is it. We’re going to sink a US warship. GOOD JOB, EVERYONE.
BOWDEN
I'm sorry, chief, but this just needs to be said..
(Everyone starts yelling over each other, indistinctly arguing.)
SKIP
HEY! What’s with all this fighting? This is not how the Extraordinary Missions Force operates in a crisis.
MACKENZIE
Skip! You’re alive!
CHET
And so am I! Chet Phillips - secret agent!
MACKENZIE
Yeah. We know.
SKIP
No time for pleasantries, McGrath. We heard Athena’s broadcast and it sounds like there’s not a lot of time. McGrath, shut down that death ray. Bowden, Gloria - go through these other terminals, see if there’s anyway we can contact that ship and get it to turn around. Section Chief, you and Agent Phillips better head to the surface. No matter what happens, get him off the island.
CHET
What? No, Skip -
SKIP
You are my mission objective, Agent Phillips. All other concerns are secondary. Section Chief?
ZELDA
Come on, Phillips.
SKIP
Cassandra Helsinki is on the southern shore. She has a plane that she’s living out of. You can trade her continued freedom in exile for it.
CHET
Smart thinking, Granger.
SKIP
I hope to see you back at HQ, Agent Phillips. Now go.
SFX: Zelda and Chet run out.
GLORIA
Agent Granger, I’m sorry - I don’t see any communication station. I don’t think we can reach them.
BOWDEN
I can see the ship on the horizon now - they’re going to cross through the disruption field in a matter of minutes.
SKIP
McGrath?
MACKENZIE
I can’t do it, Skip. Not in the amount of time we have. There’s only one way out that I see...and I don’t like it. There’s a self-destruct.
BOWDEN
Well, alright! Let’s blow those satellite dishes sky high!
MACKENZIE
The dishes don’t have a self-destruct. This command center does. If we take it out, there will be no signal to the dishes. No more disruption field. The ship would be safe.
BOWDEN
Why do I sense a really big “BUT” coming?
MACKENZIE
But we’ll probably all die. There’s no delay on the self-destruct. Once these generators start to blow - we’ll never get out of here in time.
SKIP
Alright. Show me what button to press.
MACKENZIE
What?
SKIP
You all go. I’ll give you as much time as I can. Just show me which button to press.
GLORIA
Agent Granger, no!
MACKENZIE
I just got you back from the dead, I’m not going to lose you again.
BOWDEN
Skip, everything I have right now - my job, my relationship with Gloria, my self respect - I owe it to you. I won’t let you do this.
GLORIA
EMF Handbook Section Twelve, Paragraph One: No EMF team member will needlessly sacrifice themselves for the others.
SKIP
There is no section twelve.
GLORIA
I just wrote it.
BOWDEN
So. We’re agreed? We blow this place to kingdom come. Together.
GLORIA
Together.
MACKENZIE
Better than going alone.
SKIP
McGrath. Bowden. Gloria. You are the finest EMF team that ANYONE could ever have the pleasure of working with. It has been my life’s honor to stand beside you and I want you to know - I love you all.
MACKENZIE
Skip, I...
GLORIA
We love you too, Skip.
SFX: Skip hits the self-destruct button. An alarm starts.
COMPUTER
Self destruct initiated. Autodestrucción iniciada.
SFX: BOOM! Things start exploding.
BOWDEN
McGrath, I’m sorry I got under your skin before.
MACKENZIE
I know.
BOWDEN
Are you sorry you called me a cotton headed dimwit?
MACKENZIE
Yes. I should have thought of something much better.
SFX: A helicopter flies into the area as the base explodes around them. Prescott calls to them via a megaphone.
PRESCOTT (Megaphone)
Come with me if you want to live!
SKIP
We’re saved!
GLORIA
Who is THAT?
BOWDEN
Who cares? He’s throwing us a ladder! Go! Go! Go!
SFX: Everyone climbs up and the chopper flies away to safety as Athena’s lair crumbles.
EXT. CASSANDRA'S ISLAND
ZELDA
Miss Helsinki, I understand you have the means to get us off this island?
CASSANDRA
No, I have the means to get ME off. An explosion like that is going to attract him for sure.
ZELDA
Him who?
CASSANDRA
Zeerox!
CHET
Look, Cassie, just give us a lift. No one will come after you. Drop us anywhere in civilization and then you can jet off to...wherever.
CASSANDRA
OH NO. I’m not traveling with a couple of government stooges. I'm going to go find The Amelia Project!
CHET
I'm not a government stooge! I don't even want to go back! I just want -
ZELDA
What? You brainwashed son of a...
SFX: Cassandra whacks Zelda in the back of the head with a stone and she collapses out cold.
CASSANDRA
Granger was right. These stones are handy. Now I’m getting the hell out of here.
SFX: Prescott’s helicopter approaches.
CASSANDRA
Oh God. They’re coming! I am getting OUT OF HERE.
SFX: She runs off.
PRESCOTT (On megaphone)
Phillips! Come with me if you want to live!
CHET
Get down here! Anders is hurt!
INT. ATHENA’S SECRET OFFICE
LUCKY
Miss O’Brien, we’ve lost all signal to the disruption field. It looks like the San Otra Parte base has gone totally offline. I’m sorry, m’am. The Enterprise is still afloat.
ATHENA
WHAT? That’s impossible! If that San Otra Parte equipment was faulty, I’ll find El Pato at the bottom of the ocean and kill him again!
LUCKY
It looks like someone initiated the self-destruct.
ATHENA
EMF. Those morons drive me CRAZY. At least they went down with the base.
LUCKY
Well, satellite shows a helicopter departing the island just after...
ATHENA
UGH. ARRRGH!
LUCKY
Become one with...
ATHENA
NO! (Deep breath.) Fine. I hate the ocean anyway. Time for a change of pace. Let’s move to Plan B.
INT. BRIEFING ROOM - SOMETIME LATER
SFX: The comforting beeps and blips of the briefing room. The door opens and Zelda enters.
PRESCOTT
Ah, Section Chief Anders! Good to see you up and about. I’m glad to see you fully recovered from your injuries.
ZELDA
Thank you for holding down the fort while I was in the hospital, Agent Prescott...and for your rescue. I never did ask - how did you find us?
PRESCOTT
One of the drones off the Enterprise got a picture of the chemical symbol for Helium spelled out on the beach. So I took the helicopter out for recon. Once your team starting blowing up the
island, it was pretty easy to find them.
ZELDA
Agent Granger is not known for his subtleties. But he gets the job done.
PRESCOTT
Yes, and for that, the government is very grateful. Under Agent Granger’s leadership, Chet Phillips has been returned, the sinking of US Navy ship was prevented and a major threat t international waters was eliminated.
ZELDA
Why do I sense a big “but” coming?
PRESCOTT
Because, Athena O’Brien remains at large and her entire rise to power may have been prevented had you taken her disappearance seriously to begin with.
ZELDA
I was the one pushing the Oceanologist angle, even when everyone on your side of the fence told me to back off!
PRESCOTT
We just feel, in the macro, the success rate of the EMF for the past year has been disappointing.
The death of a whistle blower in the cattle barons mission, the destruction of Red Gator, the destruction of a priceless gold record, the destruction of MULTIPLE agency cars. A frankly COMICAL group of consultants and contractors. Now, finally, your decisions regarding Special Agent Chet Phillips.
ZELDA
What decisions?
PRESCOTT
You labeled him unfit for duty.
ZELDA
Agent Phillips has spent the last year getting BRAIN WASHED by the Oceanologists and we STILL don’t know how deeply involved he was with Athena O’Brien and what, if anything, he knows about her plans.
PRESCOTT
Agent Phillips has gone through WEEKS of deprogramming as well as physical and psychological evaluation at the FBI. Our doctors feel he’s ready to be back out there.
ZELDA
I would prefer if OUR doctors -
PRESCOTT
(Laughs) Doctors? The last I checked, your two “doctors” were trying to invent a rubber ducky with hallucinogenic properties.
ZELDA
That could be very helpful. In...some very specific circumstances.
PRESCOTT
Look, Zelda, nobody’s blaming you. You’ve had a tough year and you’ve done the best you can with the hand you were dealt. All of that is in the past now and we can move forward...together.
ZELDA
With all due respect, Agent Prescott, and with thanks for your help in rescuing me, the FBI has NO jurisdiction over EMF missions.
PRESCOTT
That’s right, but I’m no longer with the FBI. As of this morning, the joint chiefs have named me Section Chief of the Extraordinary Missions Force and I have authorized Special Agent Chet Phillips to return to the field.
ZELDA
WHAT? You are making a terrible mistake. Chet Phillips cannot be trusted to go into the field alone.
PRESCOTT
He won’t be! His first request was that I reinstate his former teammates. I’ll be reassembling his team and they will report directly to me.
ZELDA
His TEAM? Agent Prescott, they were taken out of active duty for a reason!
PRESCOTT
Section Chief Prescott.
ZELDA
And what am I supposed to do?
PRESCOTT
What you’ve been doing! As you say, Agent Granger is functioning very well within his niche. You will continue to supervise his team.
ZELDA
And their missions...
PRESCOTT
Will be whatever Chet Phillips rejects.
MUSIC: END CREDITS
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.
It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarkpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice.
Also starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jill Ivey as Cassandra Helsinki and Bob Killion as The Admiral.
Guest Starring: J. Michael DeAngelis as Larry Hastings, Dave Serfass as J.J. Prescott, Karen Yang as Dr. Karol Legrange, John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker, Josh Schwartz as Stuart Gilligan, Molly Ward as Cardamom Brandy, Lia Barry as Austin, Billy Lampie as Robbie, Rebecca Serfass as Lucky, John Tuton as Captain Kirk and Jeff Ludwig as the Monk
Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry.
Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter and Instagram @MissionRejected. Support us on Patreon for bonus content, exclusive audio and more at www.patreon.com/missionrejected. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2020 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
INT. ANCIENT TEMPLE - DAY
SFX: Chimes ring softly. Someone steps through a beaded curtain.
MONK
It is time for you to eat, master -
SFX: A gun is cocked against the monk’s head.
CHET
Take one more step and you’re dead.
MONK
Please, we are just simple monks here. This temple contains nothing of value.
CHET
Where is he?
MONK
Who?
CHET
Where IS he?
MONK
In the next room. But he speaks to no one.
CHET
Oh, he’ll speak to me. Knock.
SFX: The Monk knocks on the door.
MONK
Master? It is time for you supper. I’m coming in.
SFX: Chet kicks in the door, and cocks his gun at the person inside.
CHET
Surprise.
THE ADMIRAL
So. Have you come to kill me...Mr. Doe?
CHET
Oh no, Admiral. Not yet. You have something I need.
THE ADMIRAL
Yes, I thought I might. You left your sunglasses at the last orgy.
CHET
What? No. Though, I will take those back. No - you’re going to take me to find HER.
THE ADMIRAL
And what makes you think I have any idea where SHE is?
CHET
Because you want to bring her down more than I do.
THE ADMIRAL
Then I guess that makes us...partners! (Laughs)
MUSIC: STING