Season One, Episode Ten: “GRANGER THINGS”
Transcript

SKIP

Hi! This is Special Agent Skip Granger with an important message. The following episode contains content that may be disturbing for younger listeners. I mean, we did have that one episode with the Russian torturer, and then there was the time the guy fell in the industrial farm machine...so, uh, I guess if your parents let you get this far, kids, they've only got themselves to blame for the therapy bills! Happy Halloween!

EXT. THE ADMIRAL’S SHIP

SOUND: The ship crashing against the waves, as always. The steel drums play  “Hall of the Mountain King.”

THE ADMIRAL (Over the PA)

Attention etc! I have communed with the spirits and they demand a PARTY! Dancing and drinks at the stroke of midnight in the ballroom. Sex magic orgy to follow for qualified participants.

INT. CHET’S CABIN

SOUND: Chet is struggling to get dressed

CHET

Suck in that gut, Phillips. I gotta cut down on those margaritas.

SOUND: A knock at the door

CHET

Come in.

SOUND: Door opens, Ocean Girl enters.

OCEAN GIRL

Ready to go to the masquerade, hammerhead handsome?

CHET

You know it.

OCEAN GIRL

Aren’t you going to put a costume on?

CHET

Well, all I had was my tuxedo. So just call me (Impersonates Sean Connery) Bond. James Bond.

OCEAN GIRL

(Giggles) I don't get that! That’s okay, I still have to put my costume on too.

CHET

But you’re already dressed as a mermaid...

OCEAN GIRL

And?

SOUND: Another knock at the door, but before anyone answers, the door opens.

THE ADMIRAL

Ah, Trixie! I thought I’d find you here. Excuse the intrusion, Mr. Doe, but I seem to have caught my hook hand in my zipper.

OCEAN GIRL

Allow me to help, Admiral.

THE ADMIRAL

Thank you, Trixie. Oh, while I’m here, Mr. Doe, allow me to fill your candy bag. Another drone has arrived.

CHET

Ugh. Worse than a Zagnut.

SOUND: Chet presses play and the tape begins. In the background, Ocean Girl and Admiral struggle with his zipper.

MISSION VOICE (On tape)

Trick or treat, Agent Phillips. Yadnus H. Tide, a high priority EMF target, has surfaced in North Carolina. Local legend suggests Tide Manor House is haunted by a variety of spooks, specters and ghosts. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to use these superstitions in any way possible to frighten Tide into handing -

SFX: Tape off.

CHET

REJECTED. Like a bag of carrot sticks.

SFX: Relief from the Admiral and Trixie as the zipper gets unstuck.

OCEAN GIRL

There you go! Ooops! Watch the hook!

THE ADMIRAL

Ah! Thank you, my dear. Now I can go change into my costume for the masquerade ball.

CHET

But you’re already dressed as Captain Hook.

THE ADMIRAL

And?

MUSIC: OPENING THEME (A spooky Halloween version played on an organ and synth.)

MISSION VOICE

Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: "Granger Things."

INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM

SOUND: Distantly, thunder and lightning.

ZELDA

Recording debrief of operation Lighthouse, October 31st, twenty three hundred thirty hours. Agent Skip Granger’s account.

SKIP

Can’t we, uh, debrief all together, Chief?

ZELDA

No.

SKIP

OK. Uh. Can we at least turn the lights on - 

ZELDA

We’ve been experiencing power outages due to the storm. Are you nervous, Agent?

SKIP

...usually?

ZELDA

Tell me what you remember.

SKIP

All right. We were instructed to investigate the reclusive weapons dealer and ex-Oceanologist Yadnus H. Tide. Tide is a complete blank - no known records, photographs, or money trail of him, her or they exist. EMF recently learned that Tide has been holed up in his, her, or their ancestral seaside manor in Cape Hattaras, North Carolina.

ZELDA

What were your objectives.

SKIP

To confront Tide and find out everything he, she, or they know about the cult of Oceanology. You, ah, recommended...

ZELDA

I believe my exact words were “keep it simple”.

SKIP

Can we maybe light some candles?

ZELDA

No.

SKIP

Right. 

ZELDA

Go over your plan.

SKIP

So. We recruited Dr. LaGrange, our resident chemist, and Dr. Studebaker, our resident psychologist. We acquired a supply of hallucinogenic P-13 gas, and they demonstrated how we could create a terrifying hypnogogic encounter. Mackenzie McGrath would hack the Tide Manor security systems, I would inject the gas canisters into the central AC, and Bowden Montcrief would confront Tide, performing, in one of our SnapFace masks, the part of Tide’s long-dead grandfather.

ZELDA

Get in, gas the target, frighten the target into giving up the information, and get out. Simple. Seems impossible to screw up.

SKIP

Yes.

ZELDA

And how did you manage to screw it up?

SKIP

...within minutes of arriving at the house we had gassed ourselves.

ZELDA

Uh huh.

SKIP

The effects were immediate and - 

ZELDA

You gassed yourself, Agent Montcrief, Ms. McGrath, your intern Gloria - 

SKIP

- she’s a graduate fellow, for the record - 

ZELDA

- and a psychic you enlisted - 

SKIP

- a fully accredited parapsychologist who we thought would lend the ruse credence - 

ZELDA

- a seventy-five year old psychic named Edith Sunday who you found in the yellow pages under “Pet Bereavement”.

SKIP

Now I’m fully aware that what we experienced on the mission was artificially induced - 

ZELDA

- which is why I’m interviewing each of you one-on-one.

SKIP

- but I’m not convinced...I think something happened, Chief. Something real.

ZELDA

Why don’t you tell me what you think you saw, Agent, and let the one person you didn’t gas be the judge of that.

SKIP

...OK.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. TIDE MANOR

SOUND: A PUFF OF GAS, FOLLOWED BY GENERAL COMMOTION: “UGH”, “NO!” “WHAT WAS THAT!”, “UH-OH”, ETC.

MACKENZIE

YOU GASSED US, SKIP.

SKIP

But I set up the machine exactly according to Doctor Studebaker’s instructions!

DOCTOR STUDEBAKER

Huh, look at that. I wrote these backwards. Scribbled them down while I was shaving this morning, must’ve been looking in the mirror.

MACKENZIE

Shaving? You’ve got a full beard, what were you---

(beat)

Oh... oh. Oh god. Oh good god above I hope these drugs kick in fast.

BOWDEN

So, wait, am I high? Like, right now? How high am I, would you say?

SKIP

Doctor Studebaker, how long do we have before the P-13 gas kicks in?

DOCTOR STUDEBAKER

Depends on the subject, Barney Fife. Research shows that anal retentive Type A  personalities such as yourself--

SKIP

OK, that’s a little harsh.

DOCTOR STUDEBAKER

--succumb faster than others.

SKIP

So we’d better hurry! Edith?

EDITH SUNDAY 

Yes, Agent Granger?

SKIP

Are you picking up anything? Any psychic signatures as to--

EDITH SUNDAY

Actually, the concept of psychic signatures was debunked by the Esperanza study of 2013--

SKIP

Edith--

EDITH SUNDAY

-- in which a control group of thirty-seven Latvian kindergarten teachers with pronounced lisps--

SKIP

We’ve got, like, no time here--

EDITH SUNDAY

-- were able to flawlessly recite the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayam via a psychic link, not a signature--

SKIP

EDITH, CAN YOU SENSE ANYTHING???

EDITH SUNDAY

Oh, sure, why didn’t you just ask? I sense a tsunami of aquatic-themed mental energy coming from the room directly beneath us.

MUSIC: SUPER QUICK TRANSITION MUSIC 

SOUND: A HUGE DOOR CREAKING OPEN

EDITH SUNDAY

A room? Did I say ‘room’? I meant--

SKIP

It’s a mausoleum. A giant one.

EDITH SUNDAY

Nothing but a great, big Tunnel of Death. Ooh! There’s the title of my blog post for this!

SKIP

Wait... maybe it’s not real? Maybe the gas has already kicked in?

SOUND: KNOCKING ON WOOD

DOCTOR STUDEBAKER

If these coffins are hallucinations, so’s my hand. They’re solid as--

SOUND: A SNARLING ZOMBIE BURSTS FORTH FROM THE COFFIN AND GRABS DOCTOR STUDEBAKER BY THE THROAT.

EVERYBODY

GGAHHHHH!!!!!!

SOUND: SPLATTERING AS THE ZOMBIE TEARS STUDEBAKER APART.

GLORIA

Doctor Studebaker, no!

MACKENZIE

WOW that’s a lot of blood!

BOWDEN

Because it’s not just his! Look at all of the coffins! 

GLORIA

There’s blood dripping from every--

SOUND: MORE BURSTS, MORE SNARLING ZOMBIES. DOZENS. HUNDREDS.

EDITH SUNDAY

Do you idiots need a psychic to tell you to run?! VAMINOS, PEOPLE!

SOUND: THE TEAM RUNS THROUGH THE DOOR AND SLAMS IT. THIS IS FOLLOWED BY SOUNDS OF ZOMBIES TRYING TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR.

SKIP

How long do you think before they--

SOUND: CRASH! A ZOMBIE KNOCKS DOWN THE DOOR, THE SNARLING IS NOW RIGHT ON TOP OF US.

MACKENZIE

What are these doors, balsa wood?

SOUND: A ZOMBIE LUNGES FORWARD.

BOWDEN

AGGGH! MY LEG!

GLORIA

HI-KEEBA!

SOUND: COMBAT. GLORIA KARATE KICKS THE ZOMBIE OFF BOWDEN.

BOWDEN

Watch my face!

MACKENZIE

Quick, get him in here!

SOUND: MOVEMENT. ANOTHER DOOR SLAMS, AGAIN FOLLOWED BY THE SOUNDS OF ZOMBIES TRYING TO BREAK THROUGH THE DOOR.

MACKENZIE

At least this door feels sturdier. 

SKIP

How’s Bowden?

GLORIA

This gash is pretty deep. Bowden, are you all right?

BOWDEN

Ugh... strange... very strange, I feel... I feel like I want to...

SKIP

Get up?

MACKENZIE

Make a snide, vaguely misogynistic wisecrack about the situation?

GLORIA

Finally write and perform your Off-Off-Broadway one-man-play about the life of hall of fame NFL placekicker Jan Stenerud titled “Norway or the Highway”?

MACKENZIE

That was oddly specific.

GLORIA

Hey, the man has plans.

NOTE: FROM HERE THROUGH THE END OF THE SEGMENT, BOWDEN SPEAKS SLOW AND DULLY, LIKE A ZOMBIE.

ZOMBIE BOWDEN

I... want... brunch.

ALL

Brunch?

GLORIA

Bowden, you say brunch is where boring people would go to die if they weren’t already dead inside--

SOUND: BOWDEN ROARS AND ATTACKS GLORIA, WHO SCREAMS.

MACKENZIE

Gloria!

SKIP

Oh no!

ZOMBIE GLORIA

Brunch... brunch...

ZOMBIE GLORIA & ZOMBIE BOWDEN

Time for brunch...

EDITH SUNDAY

Skip! Stop them--

MACKENZIE

They’re trying to open the door!

SKIP

TOO LATE!

SOUND: THE DOOR FLIES OPEN. THE ROOM IS FLOODED BY BLOODTHIRSTY ZOMBIES. BUT NOW THEY’RE SPEAKING A LITTLE SLOWER AND WE HEAR THERE ARE ACTUAL WORDS IN THEIR GROANS.

A BUNCH OF ZOMBIES OVER ONE ANOTHER

Brunch/Netflix and chill/ikea this Sunday/late for crossfit/make zombies great again

MACKENZIE

Doctor Studebaker! He’s not dead, he’s one of them!

ZOMBIE STUDEBAKER

Must... DVR... The View... 

EDITH SUNDAY

These aren’t just zombies, these are the worst kind of zombies!

SKIP

What do you mean? Are they George Romero Slow Zombies?

MACKENZIE

Zack Snyder Fast Zombies?

EDITH SUNDAY

Worse... these are BASIC ZOMBIES!

SOUND: ZOMBIES LUNGE. MACKENZIE AND EDITH SCREAM.

SKIP

McGrath! Edith! No!

ZOMBIE EDITH SUNDAY

New Nicholas Sparks is a three-hankie...

ZOMBIE MACKENZIE

Kim and Khloe’s summer line...SOUND: ZOMBIES ENCROACHING ON SKIP

SKIP

OK, you basic zombies, stay back! I’ve got a... lemme see, what’s this in my pocket... AHH! I’ve got a hotel key card! With real pointy corners! I’ve never hunted zombies before, but I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!

SOUND: THE ZOMBIES STOP.

SKIP

Wait, what? That worked?

ZOMBIE GLORIA

Skip... Skip Granger...

SKIP

Stay back, Gloria! Don’t--

SOUND: GLORIA SNIFFS SKIP. 

SKIP

Don’t... smell me?

MORE ZOMBIES STEP FORWARD, SNIFFING.

ZOMBIE BOWDEN

Skills... none...

SKIP

What, hey...

ZOMBIE MACKENZIE

Talents... none...

SKIP

Hey! I’m an organizer!

ZOMBIE GLORIA

Total OCD... over-complicates everything...

SKIP

WHAT? That’s not true! I... I... I administrate! I practice all seven habits of highly effective people!

SOUND: THE ZOMBIES BEGIN TO LEAVE

SKIP

Wait... where are you going! You’re zombies! You take everyone! You took Bowden and McGrath and Gloria and... and.. don’t you need me too? I mean, the team couldn’t run without me, right? RIGHT? 

SOUND: THE ZOMBIES ARE ALMOST GONE

SKIP

Guys, wait! I can’t do this without you! Bowden! McGrath! I need you! Don’t you... don’t you need me too?

SOUND: WIND BLOWS THROUGH THE EMPTY ROOM. SKIP IS ALONE.

SKIP

Guys?

(beat)

GUYS! Don’t leave me alone...in this...creepy old house...

SOUND: SLOW, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.

SKIP

Oh...good...here comes...someone.

(the footsteps stop right behind him)

I mean at least the zombies left, what could be worse?

YETI

SKIP!

SKIP

AAAAAA OH GOD IT’S A YETI

YETI

RRAAAAUUURRGHHH! SKIIIIP!

SOUND: SKIP SCREAMS. THE YETI ROARS. THE HISSING OF GAS.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

SOUND: Beep beep beep.

ZELDA

Ms. McGrath. Please put your phone away.

MACKENZIE

That gas gave me the munchies. I’m ordering sushi from the place on Fourth Street.

ZELDA

You can get your sushi after you debrief -

MACKENZIE

It was a long mission. I’m. Hungry. For some seafood.

ZELDA

...interesting. Why don’t you tell me what happened, Ms. McGrath?

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. TIDE MANOR

SOUND: Rain, thunder. The sound of gas dispersing. Mackenzie comes to, coughing.

MACKENZIE

Skip? Skip? Gloria? Bowden? Anybody?

SOUND: She gets to her feet.

MACKENZIE

Oh man, I must have passed out. Hello? Where are you guys? I’m in the dining room. Come on, seriously, this isn’t funny.

SOUND: Mackenzie tip toes through the house. The floor boards creak. A voice whispers “Mackenzie”.

MACKENZIE

Bowden, if this is your revenge on me for hacking your Alexa, well done. You win.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

MACKENZIE

Skip?

SOUND: Footsteps approaching.

MACKENZIE

Skiiiip?

SOUND: The footsteps are every where now, coming from all sides. Getting closer.

MACKENZIE

SKIP!

SOUND: The footsteps are right on top Mackenzie.

MACKENZIE

(Screaming) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

ZEEROX

(Simultaneously screaming) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

MACKENZIE

Woah! What the hell are you?

SOUND: An oozing, bubbling monster with infinite tentacles, Zeerox's voice is slow, deep and echoes, like he is three people speaking in unison.

ZEEROX

YOU KNOW ME ALREADY, EVEN IF YOU DARE NOT SPEAK MY NAME.

MACKENZIE

Yeah?

ZEEROX

AND I KNOW YOU...MACKENZIE MCGRATH!

MACKENZIE

Yeah, well, I’m kind of a big deal. But man, look at you! You’ve got so many tentacles!

ZEEROX

ENDLESS, INFINITE TENTACLES. EVER GRASPING - REACHING OUT TO ENTWINE THEM AROUND YOUR WORLD.

MACKENZIE

And all those eyes!!

ZEEROX

EACH ONE THE SOUL OF A PATHETIC HUMAN THAT I HAVE CONSUMED. I AM HUNGRY. THE TIME HAS COME TO FEAST AGAIN. I HAVE MOUTHS WITHIN MOUTHS. THOUSANDS OF TEETH TO RIP THE FLESH OF MAN. MY HUNGER IS ENDLESS.

MACKENZIE

Dude, I hear you. Do you want to like, order some wings? No. Tacos. YES. Definitely tacos. I could eat like a whole bag of fish tacos. Oh, sorry, does that like offend you, Mr. Tentacles?

ZEEROX

UHH...

MACKENZIE

(Giggly) I must be on the most amazing acid trip right now. I mean, I did it one time with these girls when I was in college, so I guess this is a flashback. I wish Skipperdedoodah was here. He’d freak.

ZEEROX

LAUGH WHILE YOU STILL CAN, MORTAL. SOON, THE TENTACLES OF ZEEROX WILL BE AROUND YOU AND I WILL FEED.

MACKENZIE

(Laughs full out) Zeerox. Oh Jesus, that is a stupid name. You know that’s the name of a photocopier, right? Which, by the way, is a machine that nobody uses any more. Except Gloria.

SOUND: Zeerox roars with the fury of the ocean. It is incredibly disturbing.

ZEEROX

SILENCE! YOU PUT ON A BRAVE FACE, MACKENZIE MCGRATH, BUT I KNOW YOU. THE WOMAN WHO INVENTED A MACHINE TO HIDE HER FACE. I WILL EXPOSE YOUR FEAR AND I SHALL FEAST!

SOUND: The faint beeps of the briefing room. Footsteps approaching

SKIP

Agent McGrath, report.

MACKENZIE

Skip! Thank goodness you’re here!

ZEEROX

HE CANNOT HEAR YOU. HE SEES ONLY...HER.

SOUND: Another set of footsteps. Another Mackenzie. We’ll call her McNarc. She’s all business.

MCNARC

Section Chief Granger, I am ready to be debriefed and I’ve left my report for you on your desk.

MACKENZIE

It’s me. Why...am I wearing a suit? Did he call me AGENT?

SKIP

I saw your report. In triplicate. Excellent work. Your filing systems are beginning to surpass mine.

MCNARC

Repurposing the SnapFace machine into an instant copier has been a most efficient use of time.

ZEEROX

AND YOU SAID NO ONE USES COPIERS.

MACKENZIE

Oh my God, I’ve gone square. 

SKIP

And the merchandise?

MCNARC

I lead the raid on the local hacker’s club myself. Gathered some impressive tech. A few phone line spoofers, some new keystroke loggers we haven’t seen before...

SKIP

And?

MCNARC

The Red Gator. As promised. You should get it to Congresswoman Anders right away. The defense committee will want to use it.

MACKENZIE

I’m a NARC! Skip turned me into a NARC!

ZEEROX

SO MUCH DELICOUS ANGER.

MACKENZIE

This isn’t real! This is just Julia & Robin’s homemade acid coming back to haunt me.

ZEEROX

THE ANGER IS SO DELICOUS. BUT THE FEAR! THE FEAR IS GIVING ME POWER AFTER AN EON OF SLUMBER BEANTH THE OCEAN. I FEEL FREEEE!

SOUND: Zeerox begins to transform. It is incredibly disturbing.

MACKENZIE

You’re getting kind of bubbly and distorted there. It’s really gross. Stop it. What are you doing? What are you...

SOUND: Zeerox has transformed into a copy of Mackenzie, who we’ll call McZeerox. It speaks with a blend of Zeerox and Mackenzie’s voice.

MCZEEROX

Boo.

MACKENZIE

Holy crap you’re me. 

MCZEEROX

I like this form. So much anger.

MACKENZIE

I’m not angry.

MCZEEROX

Oh yes. I could feed on this anger for days. SO DELICIOUS.

SOUND: Skip is coming in from the distance.

SKIP

McGrath? McGrath, where are you?

MCZEEROX

FRESH MEAT.

MACKENZIE

No! You leave him alone!

MCZEEROX

Why don’t you wait outside...this window?

SOUND: McZeerox pushes Mackenzie out the window and shuts it. She bangs on the glass from outside.

MACKENZIE

Hey! Hey! Let me back in! Skip! SKIP!

MCZEEROX

He can’t hear you. He only sees me now.

SOUND: Skip comes into the room.

SKIP

McGrath, thank goodness you’re okay. I don’t know what happened, I just woke up on the bathroom floor. I can’t find Edith, Bowden or Gloria anywhere - and there’s no sign of Yadnus Tide.

MCZEEROX

Yes, I had a strange experience too. I don’t remember how I got to the dining room.

SKIP

We better go find the others. I already looked upstairs. You take this floor and I’ll check the basement.

MCZEEROX

No, Skip, I don’t want to split up.

MACKENZIE (Outside)

Skip! Skip, it’s not me!

SKIP

That doesn't sound like you, you usually love working alone.

MACKENZIE (Outside)

That’s because it’s not me! She’s a demon, Skip! LOOK OUT HERE!

MCZEEROX

Please, Agent Granger...I’m scared.

SKIP

McGrath. I almost don’t know what to say. I’m so proud of you for admitting that. Don’t worry, I’m scared too, but we’re going to get through this.  Together.

MCZEEROX

Can I...hold your hand?

MACKENZIE (Outside)

NO, SKIP! DON’T TRUST HER!

SKIP

This is very unusual, but after everything we’ve been through together recently...yes, I’ll hold your hand.

MCZEEROX

Thank you, Skip. I don’t say this enough, but you’re a good friend.

SKIP

Well, I’ve never said this, but I think the truth is...you’re my best friend...Mackenzie.

MACKENZIE (Outside)

WHAT?

MCZEEROX

And you’re mine.

SKIP

Awww. Uhh. You’re holing my hand pretty tight there, McGrath. Could you maybe loosen your grip?

SOUND: McZeerox’s hand starts to become a tentacle. It is incredibly disturbing.

SKIP

Uh...McGrath, you’re hurting me. Oh, God! Is your arm turning into a tentacle?

MACKENZIE (Outside)

Oh God! Oh no! Oh no! Skip! SKIP!!

SOUND: Mackenzie is furiously pounding on the window.

MCZEEROX

I want to be...close to you. I want...to devour you.

SOUND: McZeerox is bubbling and oozing and turning back into Zeerox. It is incredibly disturbing.

SKIP

I can’t! It’s against company regulations! I’ve just been letting it slide for Bowden and Gloria until the chief approves the new handbook. Also...you’re an octopus.

ZEEROX

YOU COMPLETE ME.

SKIP

Oh my God!

SOUND: Footsteps coming down the stairs in a hurry. It’s Edith.

EDITH SUNDAY

Agent Granger, the strangest thing happened! I just woke up in the doll room - BLAAAAAHYRGGGH

SOUND: One of Zeerox’s tentacles pierces straight through Edith’s chest, killing her. It is incredibly disturbing.

SKIP

Ms. Sunday! She never saw that coming!

ZEEROX

A COURTSEY I WILL NOT EXTEND TO YOU!! 

SOUND: Zeerox growls hungrily. Skip squirms for his life.

MACKENZIE (Outside)

SKIP! SKIP! LEAVE HIM ALONE, YOU MONSTER!

ZEEROX

BUT THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, MACKENZIE MCGRATH. ALL THAT ANGER INSIDE YOU. ALL DIRECTED AT SKIP GRANGER. YOUR HATE IS DELICIOUS. I MUST EAT.

SOUND: The infinite mouths tear into Skip’s tender flesh.

SKIP

(Agony)

MACKENZIE (Outside)

NOOOOOO! SKIP! SKIP! I’M COMING!

SOUND: Mackenzie is pounding so hard on the window that it shatters. She climbs in.

MACKENZIE

Skip, it’s me! The real me! I’m here!

SKIP

McGrath, why didn’t you save me? I always save you.

MACKENZIE

Why did you do that?

ZEEROX

DELICIOUS!

SOUND: Zeerox devours what’s left of Skip. It is incredibly disturbing.

MACKENZIE

Why did you do that? Oh, Skip! I’m so sorry! I wanted to save you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

ZEEROX

ANOTHER SOUL TAKEN. ANOTHER EYE ON MY INFINITE HEAD. SOON I WILL BE POWERFUL ENOUGH TO RISE FROM MY RESTING PLACE. YOU WILL GIVE ME THE STRENGTH MACKENZIE MCGRATH.

SOUND: Zeerox wraps its tentacles around Mackenzie.

MACKENZIE

Stop! Stop! I don’t want to die! Someone has to tell Skip’s mom what happened to him. I promised I wouldn’t let him be disavowed.

ZEEROX

HUNGER.

MACKENZIE

Oh God...

SOUND: A door swings open. Both Mackenzie and Zeerox are startled.

MACKENZIE

Oh God whoever you are please save me!

YETI

MISS MCGRATH!

MACKENZIE

AAAAA A YETI

ZEEROX

Aaah! A Yeti!

SOUND: THE YETI ROARS. ZEEROX AND MCGRATH SCREAM. THE HISSING OF GAS.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

sound: bEEPING

BOWDEN (muttering)

...Stawny...Thomas...Birman...Hicks...Weinrib...Fairbanks...

ZELDA

Is Bowden mumbling information pertinent to this mission, Gloria?

GLORIA

Oh no, he calms himself by reciting every actor who’s ever played Robin Hood.

BOWDEN

...Elwes...Todd...Sinatra...Flynn ...Maguire...Praed...Armstrong... Cassel...

ZELDA

Bowden? Bowden. Take your face out of your hands at look at me - 

BOWDEN

CroweConneryEgerton YOU WANT TO SEE MY FACE?

ZELDA

What's wrong with him?

BOWDEN

WHAT’S THE MATTER? DON’T YOU LIKE THIS FACE?

GLORIA

Bo, please, there’s nothing wrong with your - 

BOWDEN

Go ahead, Chief, look at my beautiful face! I’ve been in pictures, you know!

ZELDA

Yes, you’ve mentioned it before.

BOWDEN

Let me tell you a story about my beautiful, beautiful face...

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. TIDE MANOR

SOUND: HOWLING WIND BEHIND THE WALLS, CREAKING BOARDS, BANGING SHUTTERS.

EDITH SUNDAY

Come, my sweeties! I can sense Tide’s presence! Follow Edith!

BOWDEN

How’s my mask, Gloria?

GLORIA

You look terrifying, Bo.(quick smooch) Go scare the pants off them.

EDITH SUNDAY

I sense Tide’s aura, right behind this door!

SOUND: Bodwen bursts into the room.

BOWDEN

(Impersonates Vincent Price) Behold your fearsome ancestor, Yadnus Tide, returned bodily from the grave, to bring your doom!

MISSION VOICE (LOUDSPEAKER)

Aaaaaand - cut!

SOUND: A CLAPPER. ALL THE SFX CUT OFF. VOICES MILL ABOUT IN THE BACKGROUND.

BOWDEN

Wh...what?

GLORIA (voice somewhat different)

That was good stuff, Johnny.

BOWDEN

Gloria?

MISSION VOICE (LOUDSPEAKER)

OK, we’re gonna break for lunch, back at 2, people!

SOUND: THE SET ROLLS AWAY.

BOWDEN

What? What’s happening? The whole house was a set? It’s daytime? Gloria?

GLORIA

Hm? Why are you still calling me Gloria, Johnny?

BOWDEN

Why are you calling me Johnny? 

GLORIA

Ohhhh, right. This is one of those times you go total method, right?

BOWDEN

Was this operation some kind of double-cross, with a fake house, and a...what do you mean method?

GLORIA

Why don’t you take off that old-person mask, Bowden Montcrief.

BOWDEN

Oh, right.

SOUND: Bowden rips off his mask.

GLORIA

Good. And I’ll take off mine.

BOWDEN

Take off what - 

SOUND: Gloria peels off her face.

BOWDEN

WHAT?!? You’re not Gloria!

GLORIA

Uhhh, nope.

BOWDEN

You’re...Kristen Bell?

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Knock it off, Johnny! You’re such a kidder.

BOWDEN

I think I’m losing my mind. Where are we?

GLORIA/KRISTEN

We’re on the set. 

BOWDEN

The set? Of what? The Good Place? Veronika Mars? Please don’t say they’re rebooting Heroes.

GLORIA/KRISTEN

C’mon, ya jerk, let’s get lunch.

BOWDEN

But...oh! Skip!

SKIP (rushing up, nervous)

What’s HAPPENING?

BOWDEN

Thank God, Skip!

SKIP

WHAT’S happening? What’s HAPPENING?

BOWDEN

What’s -

SKIP (suddenly casual and British)

Johnny you’re good at this, when Skip bursts in the room should it be WHAT’S happening, or what’s HAPPENING?

BOWDEN

Why do you have a British accent?

SKIP

What?

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Johnny’s gone method.

SKIP

Ahhhh.

BOWDEN

I’m not Johnny!

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Get out of your mask, Tom, we’re getting lunch.

SKIP

Oh, yeah, right.

SOUND: Skip peels off his face.

SKIP

Ah, that feels better.

BOWDEN

NO.

SKIP

What?

BOWDEN

NO....TOM HOLLAND?

SKIP/TOM

He’s really deep in, huh?

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Mmhm.

SKIP/TOM

It’s a little scary.

BOWDEN

You’re not even old enough to play Skip! You’re still playing a sixteen-year old Spiderman!

SKIP/TOM

Well...the masks help.

GLORIA/KRISTEN

How old do you think Skip is?

BOWDEN

I mean, I don’t know - 

SKIP/TOM

Can I ask you, how old is Bowden?

BOWDEN

What?

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Don’t try to figure out the timeline. The EMF uses slide projectors.

BOWDEN

They’re...just...retro-futuristic!

SKIP/TOM

Because Bowden said he was in Boogie Nights, but I don’t think he’s older than thirty-five -

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Let’s hope not, he’s dating the intern - 

SKIP/TOM

Graduate fellow!

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Whatever.

BOWDEN

GUYS. What the hell is going on?

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Johnny, seriously, are you going to be Bowden all day?

BOWDEN

Just talk to me as if I’m Bowden, not Johnny, OK?

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Is this what he was like to work with on Pirates of the Caribbean?

BOWDEN

On - wait I’m that Johnny?

SKIP/TOM

OK, Bowden (as if to a child) We’re all actors. Working on a action-comedy television show. Called The Rejected Missions.

MISSION VOICE (LOUDSPEAKER)

Clear the set, people!

BOWDEN

Who’s that?

GLORIA/KRISTEN

That’s our director, Ryan Murphy.

MISSION VOICE (LOUDSPEAKER)

And someone get me a sandwich!

BOWDEN

OK. What’s this television show about?

GLORIA/KRISTEN

It’s about the idiots who have to take the missions that the action hero rejects.

BOWDEN

THE IDIOTS?

SKIP/TOM

I mean, great concept, right? Why wouldn’t Netflix make that TV show? (directly to the audience)

Right, Netflix? This is Tom Holland saying: why wouldn’t you make that show?

BOWDEN

I’m not - my life is not a joke!

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Nazli? Help us out?

MACKENZIE/NAZLI

What’s up?

BOWDEN

NAZLI? That’s your name, McGrath?

MACKENZIE/NAZLI

Oh God. Is he going method again?  (as to a child, or maybe a deaf person) Yes, Johnny, Nazli Sarpkaya, good to meet you!

BOWDEN

You...you...you know I’ve never heard of you, where did they find you?

MACKENZIE/NAZLI

Hey, I’m a versatile multi-lingual young actor starring in award-winning independent films and audio fiction, why shouldn’t I be on a series? (directly to audience) Why. Shouldn’t. I. Be? Netflix.

BOWDEN

No, no, no. I’m Bowden Montcrief. I’m Bowden Montcrief.

GLORIA/KRISTEN

OK. Bowden. Let’s talk about this.

MACKENZIE/NAZLI

I’m Turkish, everybody’s looking for diversity - 

EDITH SUNDAY

I’m Jessica Lange!

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Is Bowden Montcrief the person you really want to be? Making up stories about all the celebrities you know?

BOWDEN

I! I certainly do NOT make up stories - 

GLORIA/KRISTEN

When you first met Gloria, did you tell her that your friend Clint Eastwood gave you advice?

BOWDEN

Well, I - 

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Did you forget to tell her the only time you ever met Clint was when you cornered him at the SAG awards and he yelled any cliched tripe he could think of just to get away from you?

BOWDEN

Listen, I have made peace with being a relative unknown, while helping to make the world a safer place. I addressed all of these issues in the last two episodes.

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Episodes?

BOWDEN

Missions! Missions. They were missions. 

SKIP/TOM

Is it weird that our characters call them “missions” and not, like, “ops”? Isn’t “mission” a little... juvenile?

MACKENZIE/NAZLI

God knows who writes this show.

BOWDEN

I don’t care if my life and history and timeline don’t make sense! I want my friends back! I want my life back!

SKIP/TOM

I think something’s wrong with him.

GLORIA/KRISTEN

We have to get the Bowden mask off.

BOWDEN

What?

SKIP/TOM

Yeah, it’s not healthy.

MACKENZIE/NAZLI

It’s making him disappear into the part.

SKIP/TOM

No, I mean, honestly, I think they make these masks with asbestos.

GLORIA/KRISTEN

The asbestos must be getting into his brain! We have to help him! Pull the face off!

BOWDEN

No!

EDITH SUNDAY

Yes! His aura hides his true soul!

BOWDEN

Hey I thought you were Jessica Lange!

EDITH

What? I am. I was rehearsing my lines - ooh! Are you guys tearing off Johnny’s face? Can I help?

GLORIA/KRISTEN

Sure!

EDITH SUNDAY

Sweet!

BOWDEN

Get away from me!

SKIP/TOM

Careful he’s got a fireplace poker!

EDITH

It’s just a prop!

SOUND: BOWDEN BRAINS EDITH WITH THE POKER.

GLORIA/KRISTEN

You killed Jessica Lange!

MISSION VOICE/RYAN MURPHY (LOUDSPEAKER)

Crap! Did anyone film it?

MACKENZIE/NAZLI

Grab him!

SKIP/TOM

Easy, Johnny!

BOWDEN

I’M NOT JOHNNY.

MISSION VOICE/RYAN MURPHY

I had her under contract for AHS! Somebody get me a hatchet I’m gonna kill that guy!

GLORIA/KRISTEN

He’s had a complete break from reality!

BOWDEN

You’re telling me!

SKIP/TOM

We have to snap him out of it!

GLORIA/KRISTEN

We have to pull off the Bowden Montcrief mask!

MACKENZIE/NAZLI

Let’s just do it.

BOWDEN

This isn’t a mask! It’s my face!

GLORIA/KRISTEN

It’s OK, Johnny, we’ll get it off you.

BOWDEN

NO WAIT -

MISSION VOICE/RYAN MURPHY

Hey, they’re tearing this guy’s face off, get a camera on it!

SECURITY GUY

I’ll do it, Ryan -

MISSION VOICE/RYAN MURPHY

Get back in your cage, Brad!

SECURITY GUY

Yes sir.

GlORIA/KRISTEN

C’mon Johnny. Let’s see who you really are under there.

BOWDEN

NO PLEASE NO DON’T TAKE MY FACE OFF NO MY BEAUTIFUL FACE

SOUND: THE MASK IS PEELED OFF.

SOUND: A SCREECHING CAPUCHIN MONKEY SOUND.

GLORIA/KRISTEN

See, isn’t that better? You look just like you did in Pirates of the Caribbean.

YETI

HE’S VERY CUTE.

GLORIA/KRISTEN

I know right I mean AAAAA A YETI!

SOUND: PANDEMONIUM AS THE ENTIRE CREW RUNS FROM THE ROARING YETI. THE HISSING OF GAS.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

SOUND: Beeping

BOWDEN

...Stawny...Thomas...Birman...Hicks...Weinrib...Fairbanks... (This continues in the background)

GLORIA

Shh, Bo, it’s OK.

MACKENZIE

Bowden, knock it off. Have some sushi.

ZELDA

...so, Agent Granger. You never actually encountered Tide?

SKIP

No. For all I know he, she, or they weren’t even in the house.

ZELDA

And how did you get out of the house?

GLORIA

Oh I can explain that, Chief.

ZELDA

Yes?

GLORIA

I put on a Yeti mask and chased everyone out of the house while playing the theme song to Scooby Doo on my phone.

ZELDA

YOU were the Yeti?

MACKENZIE

She makes a very convincing Yeti when you’re tripping balls.

GLORIA

Thanks!

SKIP

It’s fortunate that Gloria was able to get us out, or there might have been casualties.

ZELDA

You mean other than Edith Sunday.

SKIP

Yes. Other than Gloria’s Yeti, the one thing the hallucinations had in common was her death, and when we escaped the house she had simply... vanished. I take full responsibility.

ZELDA

Agent, you do realize that “Edith Sunday” is “Yadnus H. Tide” spelled backwards?

Aghast silence.

MACKENZIE

Whooaaa. Mind BLOWN.

SKIP

I...wait...how - what does that mean?

ZELDA

It means there never was an Edith Sunday. It means I barely know if there was ever a Yadnus Tide. This was not a zero-success mission. This was a NEGATIVE-success mission. I may know less now than I knew when I sent you off. I don’t know WHAT’S real anymore. None of this makes sense.

GLORIA

I mean, it was just a bunch of hallucinations, what doesn’t make sense about that?

ZELDA

...Gloria?

GLORIA

Yes?

ZELDA

How is it that you didn’t succumb to the gas?

GLORIA

...oh. That’s easily explained.

ZELDA

I’m all ears.

GLORIA

It’s because I am (explodes into tentacles) ZEEROX THE INFINITELY TENTACLED!

SOUND: BUBBLING AND OOZING. GLORIA SPEAKS IN A COMBINATION OF HER OWN VOICE AND ZEEROX, WHICH WE'LL CALL GLOROX

ZELDA

What? WHAT?

GLOROX

AND YOUR PUNY GAS HAS NO EFFECT ON MY MAJESTIC ASTRAL GILLS!

ZELDA

Help!

SKIP

Stand back, Chief!

SOUND: A TERRIFYING CHAINSAW BATTLE WITH GLOROX.

ZELDA

Wait Skip how did you get a chainsaw?

MACKENZIE

Section Chief!

ZELDA

Yes Madame President I MEAN WHO IN THE WHAT NOW!

MACKENZIE

You’ve screwed up this operation for the last time!

ZELDA

NO! MACKENZIE MCGRATH IS NOT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

MACKENZIE

I’m your commander-in-chief and have half a mind to declare you unfit to wear that EMF security lanyard!

BOWDEN

I’m Jessica Lange!

GLOROX

I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR WORLD!

SKIP

No problem! I got it, Chief!

YETI

RROOOAARRRGH

SKIP

AAA A YETI

ZELDA

NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO

SOUND: THE SOUND OF GAS AS ZELDA KEEPS SCREAMING.

LEGRANGE

Hey! Hey there, wake up, you!

SKIP

Chief! Chief are you OK?

BOWDEN

Zelda!

MACKENZIE

She’s fine! She probably took worse things in graduate school.

GLORIA

She’s snapping out of it! Chief! Are you all right?

ZELDA

I...I...I had a vision of Zeerox!

SKIP

Zeerox?

ZELDA

Yes! They were eating the world! And you were there! And you! And you! And...(sobering up)

...you gassed me before you ever even got out of the office, didn’t you?

BOWDEN

Right in the parking lot.

SKIP

I’m so sorry, Chief. It was an accident - 

GLORIA

We got you to Doctor Legrange right away. 

BOWDEN

She and Doctor Studebaker whipped up an inhalant antidote for you.

LEGRANGE

Sure did!

MACKENZIE

Studebaker, you’re not a chemist, what do you know about hallucinogens?

DOCTOR STUDEBAKER

I followed the Dead from seventy four to seventy eight, Casey Jones.

ZELDA

Doctor Legrange. 

LEGRANGE

Yes?

ZELDA

Get me out of here.

LEGRANGE

Sure thing, Johnny.

ZELDA

The rest of you...(dawning horror) What did you call me?

LEGRANGE

Nothing. Johnny.

SOUND: They all begin to laugh. It is incredibly disturbing.

ZELDA

Skip, when I wake up, I’m going to murder you.

MUSIC: END CREDITS (HALLOWEEN VERSION)

MISSION VOICE

Mission: Rejected was created and written by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. It was directed by Pete Barry and J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcreif, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice. Guest starring were Ashley Banks as Ocean Girl, John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker, Nani Mannon as Edith Sunday, Mike Scholtes as Zeerox, Karen Yang as Dr. Karol LeGrange and Bob Killion as The Admiral and Security Guy.

Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry. Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and Instagram @MissionRejected and support us on Patreon at www.patreon.com/missionrejected for exclusive content bonus audio and more. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2019 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

EXT. THE SHIP

SOUND:  A bubbling hot tub. The ship's bell rings. Chet sinks into it.

CHET

Ooooh yeah, that’s nice. Just what the doctor ordered.

OCEAN GIRL

That was quite a party, Admiral! One for the record books!

THE ADMIRAL

Ah yes! There’s nothing quite like a good soak in the on deck hot tub to rejuvenate the blood stream and purge the body of toxins before an orgy. 

OCEAN GIRL

(Giggles)

THE ADMIRAL

I hope I’ll be seeing you there, Trixie.

OCEAN GIRL

If that’s what the Admiral orders.

THE ADMIRAL

And you, Mr. Doe? I hope you don’t find my frankness too shocking.

CHET

It’s not my first rodeo.

THE ADMIRAL

Excellent. And what about you, Zeerox? 

ZEEROX

I SHALL BE THERE TO SOAK IN THE OPULANCE AND EXCESS OF MY SUPPLICANTS AS THEY FORNICATE IN WORSHIP TO ME.

CHET

When do we get to see what’s underneath that costume, big guy?

ZEEROX

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

CHET

You’re dressed like a multi-tentacled Eldritch horror.

ZEEROX/OCEAN GIRL/THE ADMIRAL

AND?

SOUND: The Admiral, Ocean Girl and Zeerox laugh.

MUSIC: STING

CHET

Ugh. I guess I picked the wrong day to stop inhaling P-13 gas.