Season One, Episode Nine: “CARDAMOM BRANDY”
Transcript
EXT. THE CRUISE SHIP
SOUND: Waves crash against the hull of the ship. It's bell rings.
MUSIC: Steel Drums play.
THE ADMIRAL (Over the PA)
Your Ocean Bureau crew is here to help with all your spiritual needs!
Stop by the Cleansing Room and get translucent!
SOUND: Footsteps approaching. Chet Phillips is giggling like a little girl.
CHET (Giggling)
And WHAT did the other puffer fish say?
OCEAN GIRL
It said “Puffer? I hardly KNOW her!”
SOUND: Chet cracks up. Ocean Girl titters.
CHET
Ahh. It feels good to laugh. I haven’t laughed like that since I had to seduce the Princess of Monaco. Or was it Canada? I tell you, Trixie, my entire past is just becoming more and more of a blur. (Exhales pleasantly) Puffer fish. Hahahaaha!
SOUND: Footsteps approaching. Three pairs.
THE ADMIRAL
And what did the other cow say?
CATTLE BARON 1
Why he said “UDDER? I hardly know her!
CATTLE BARON 2
Did ya get it? UDDER? Like the milk dongles!
SOUND: The Cattle Barons and the Admiral howl with laughter.
OCEAN GIRL
Good evening, Admiral!
THE ADMIRAL
Good evening, children! What a pleasant evening to perambulate around the perimeter of this pinnace! My new friends and I were just discussing the finer points of cattle husbandry.
CHET
Those are some hats you gentlemen have.
CATTLE BARON 3
Thank you kindly.
THE ADMIRAL
Mr. Doe, might I entice you to join us for my meditation seminar this evening in the Cleansing Room?
CHET
The...Cleansing Room?
THE ADMIRAL
Oh yes, it’s the beginning and the end - the very core of all we believe! The mystical apex of -
CATTLE BARON 1
It’s the spa.
SOUND: A drone approaches
OCEAN GIRL
Oh, we have a visitor!
CHET
I don’t even want to hear it. Might as well just send you right back...
OCEAN GIRL
Oh, I feel bad for the poor little guy. Let him at least go ahead and use his tape player.
CHET
PLAYER? I HARDLY KNOW HER!
SOUND: Silence. The Admiral lets out a little cough.
CHET
Alright, what the hell.
SOUND: He hits play.
MISSION VOICE (On tape)
Good morning, Mr. Phillips. For some time, we have been watching Blaze Taggert, CEO of Taggert
Pharmaceuticals. As you may know, Mr. Taggert is currently under house arrest in his Manhattan penthouse for price fixing, antitrust violations and generally being a douchebag.
CHET
No crime in that.
MISSION VOICE (On tape)
As part of his sentence, Taggert was to surrender all assets in order to pay back the massive fines levied against him. Taggert cooperated in handing over everything, except a one-of-a-kind gold plated record of an unreleased album from the Mamas & the Papas, which Taggert could sell on the black market to re-finance his criminal activities. Your mission, should you chose to accept it, is to get access to Taggert’s penthouse, break into his vault and retrieve the record.
SOUND: The tape clicks off.
CHET
Filthy hippies. Rejected.
OCEAN GIRL
Shall we join the Admiral in the spa, sweetie?
CHET
Sounds enchanting. Say, Admiral, do you ever play the stock market? You should put all your money into Blaze Taggert’s competition. You know, if you want to be an
investor.
THE ADMIRAL
Investor? I HARDLY KNOW HER.
SOUND: Everyone laughs.
MUSIC: Opening Titles.
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the
backups. Tonight’s episode: Cardamom Brandy.
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
SOUND: The electronic bleeps and blips of the briefing room.
SKIP (Singing a jingle)
Moxie soda, puts the pep in your step!
GLORIA
Boss?
SKIP
Oh God! Gloria, you startled me! How did you even get in here?
GLORIA
You left the door wide open.
SKIP
Ah. Would you mind...
GLORIA
Sure thing, boss.
SOUND: The door shuts.
SKIP
Gloria, big news. It seems Agent Phillips has entrusted us with another mission.
GLORIA
You mean he’s still on his cruise.
SKIP
It can be both things. I want to prove to Section Chief Anders that
I have what it takes to run a top tier Extraordinary Missions Team. I’m trying to get back on her good side after our falling out.
GLORIA
I’m not sure she HAS a good side.
SKIP
I believe everyone has a good side, Gloria. Even if it’s buried under five hundred tons of cynicism and suspicion that comes with decades of government work.
GLORIA
You’re a very positive person, boss.
SKIP
Let that positivity spill over to the crack team I’ve assembled for this mission.
SOUND: The slide projector turns on.
SKIP
Bowden Montcrief. Actor, impressionist, man of a thousand faces and winner of a regional daytime Emmy for his performance in “Your Septic Tank and You.”
GLORIA
Couldn’t you just swim in those deep blue grey eyes of his forever? Those beautiful, stupid, egotistical, self-centered, uncaring, insensitive, asinine eyes?
SKIP
Not me personally, but I don’t like the water.
SOUND: Slide change
SKIP
Next, Mackenzie McGrath. Inventor of the SnapFace instant face mask printer and convicted felon NOBLY working off her sentence by assisting the EMF.
GLORIA
Boss, you’re just reassembling the same team you always use.
SKIP
Oh so you’d THINK, but let me hit you with this curve ball...
SOUND: Slide change
SKIP
Cardamom Brandy!
GLORIA
The international glamor girl and super model? How did you get HER?
SKIP
She’s an official EM contractor! I found her file in the personnel database with all the others. She hasn’t been in the field in a few years, but she’s still listed as active.
GLORIA
I wanted to be her so badly when I was a little girl. Remember that ad she did for Moxie soda?
SKIP
Remember? It got me through puberty.
GLORIA
Me too.
SKIP
Uhh...
SOUND: Knock at the door.
GLORIA
I’ll get it!
SKIP
No, Gloria! What do we do when someone knocks?
GLORIA
Oh, right! May I, boss?
SKIP
It’s the only way to learn!
SOUND: Another knock.
GLORIA (Clears her throat)
Who is it?
.
MACKENZIE (Through the door)
McGrath.
GLORIA
Are you here to clean the floors?
MACKENZIE (Through the door)
Oh Jesus. Yes, but the bay windows will have to wait until Monday.
SOUND: The door opens.
SKIP
Excellent work, Gloria! And McGrath too, I’m so glad to see you’re keeping up on your pass phrases.
MACKENZIE
I got locked outside of the ladies room this morning because I didn’t have the pass phrase. The LADIES ROOM, Granger. After I’d already had my triple venti cold brew.
GLORIA
What did you do?
MACKENZIE
What I had to.
SOUND: Running footsteps
BOWDEN
Hold it! Hold that door! Ah, in just under the wire. Look, Skip, I don’t mind learning a few lines, but this pass phrase thing is getting out of hand. I just spent thirty minutes arguing with Carlo the bathroom attendant. Carlo! I thought he and I had a rapport. And let me tell you Skip, it’s not a pretty sight after I’ve had my morning protein shake and herbal cleanse and I can’t get in to see Carlo.
GLORIA
What did you do?
BOWDEN (Gravely)
What I had to.
GLORIA
(Scoffs)
SKIP
Okay, point taken. The bathrooms will no longer require pass phrases.
MACKENZIE
Or the break room.
BOWDEN
Or the gym.
GLORIA
Or the copier. Which I would like to remind Mr. Montcrief is NOT for running off copies of his headshot.
BOWDEN
But you know I got banned from the Kinko’s!
SOUND: Knock
SKIP
Who is it?
CARDAMOM (Through the door)
Cardamom Brandy.
BOWDEN
Good God.
SKIP
Have you come to clean the windows?
MACKENZIE
Oh for the love of Pete.
SOUND: McGrath opens the door.
CARDAMOM
Thank you so much.
SKIP
McGrath, that was flagrantly against protocol.
MACKENZIE
Fire me. PLEASE fire me.
CARDAMOM
I’m sorry, which of you is Agent Granger?
SKIP
That’s me. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Brandy.
CARDAMOM
It’s Mrs. Thompson now. I gave up the name when I gave up modeling.
BOWDEN
It was a great loss to the modeling world. And to me.
CARDAMOM
Oh my goodness. Bo!
BOWDEN
Cardamom, you look as breathtaking as the day I last saw you.
CARDAMOM
And you still look like a starry eyed boy.
GLORIA
You two know each other?
BOWDEN
Yes. Cardamom and I did a few missions back in the day before Chet Phillips became the agency’s golden boy and we fell off the A-list. We used to get into a lot of trouble, didn’t we Cardamom?
CARDAMOM
Oh, don’t make me remember, I’ll blush.
GLORIA
And we couldn’t have that.
BOWDEN
Oh, Cardamom, this is Gloria, our intern.
CARDAMOM
There are interns now?
GLORIA
No. There are graduate research fellows. As I’d like to remind Mr. Montcrief.
CARDAMOM
My how times change.
MACKENZIE
Yes, we have indoor plumbing now too and I hear we’re getting a horseless carriage next year.
BOWDEN
Yes, ha ha, this is our Mackenzie. Quite the kidder, this one.
MACKENZIE
Yes, check me out at Funny Bones every Tuesday.
SKIP
Seriously?
MACKENZIE
Of course not.
SKIP
You’d be great.
CARDAMOM
Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you all. I have to say I was more than a little surprised to get your summons. I haven’t done this in a long time. The most dangerous mission I’ve done lately is taking my kids to a birthday party at Gym Zone.
MACKENZIE
That may actually be more dangerous than anything we’ve ever done.
SKIP
Why doesn't everyone take a seat and I’ll walk us through our task.
SOUND: Chair being pulled out.
BOWDEN
Please, allow me, Cardamom.
CARDAMOM
Ever the gentleman, Bo.
BOWDEN
Gloria, why don’t you get Ms. Brandy a warm drink. I believe the lady like an Americano with two sugars?
CARDAMOM
You remember!
GLORIA
We have vending machine coffee with sugar substitute. Mr. Montcrief needs to watch his waistline.
MACKENZIE
Oh there’s gonna be trouble in paradise tonight.
SKIP
Okay, let’s focus. Mrs. Thompson -
CARDAMOM
Cardamom is fine, thank you Agent Granger.
SKIP
Cardamom. The reason I’ve called you in is Blaze Taggert.
MACKENZIE
The pharma-douche?!
SKIP
Our mission is to get into his heavily guarded penthouse, locate his personal vault and rob it of a
valuable gold record without him noticing.
MACKENZIE
We get to STEAL from him? Best. Mission. Ever. How are we getting in there? No air ducts. You promised me, Skip. No more air ducts.
SKIP
Well, that’s up to you. Do you think you can hack into the building security system and find us a way in?
MACKENZIE
Is Peter H. Gilmore the High Priest of the Church of Satan?
SKIP
I...guess?
SOUND: Mackenzie furiously at the keyboard.
MACKENZIE
The richer they are, the stupider they are with their security. All these rich boys buy the same damn software package...and I’ve already got the key to the back door. I’ll have schematics in a minute, Skippy.
SOUND: Skip bristles at being called “Skippy”
SKIP
See if you can locate his vault room - and then what kind of safe he’s using. I’ve recently completed a LinkedIn Learning course on safe cracking.
GLORIA
But Blaze Taggart is under house arrest. How are you going to rob it without him noticing?
CARDAMOM
I think that’s where I come in.
BOWDEN
Cardamom could seduce a comatose eunuch without breaking a sweat.
CARDAMOM
Bo, I’m a married woman now. Agent Granger, I haven’t had to seduce anything for a long time.
SKIP
I would never ask you to do anything untoward. I just need you to keep his attention and keep him out of the vault room until I’m clear.
BOWDEN
One look at those emerald eyes of yours, Cardamom, and he’ll be under your spell forever. No man could resist.
GLORIA
Clearly.
CARDAMOM
How will I even get in?
SKIP
Press pass. Under the guise that you’re a reporter for the AP, I’ve arranged for you to interview him. One thing we’ve got going in our favor is that Taggert is an extreme narcissist. He can’t stop talking about himself - even when it makes seem even guiltier. I don’t think he’ll turn down any request for an interview.
MACKENZIE
Oh damn it.
SKIP
Problems?
MACKENZIE
Just one, but it’s a biggie. Security on the penthouse is relatively light. The elevator and front door are guarded, but there’s two fire stairwells and a service elevator in the back. I can get you in any of those. It’s the vault that’s a problem. It’s a McDuck S2K.
BOWDEN
Can’t you dial-up or whatever it is you do to override?
MACKENZIE
Well, no, Bowden, it’s unfortunately not part of America Online. The vault’s computerized but not networked. It’s a smart move on Blaze’s part. I can open it, but Skip’s going to have to get me plugged in.
SKIP
That’s going to add time. Think you can stall him long enough, Cardamom?
BOWDEN
He’s got a pulse, doesn't he?
CARDAMOM
Yes. I can take care of him.
BOWDEN
So, with Mac on the dial-up, Skip and Gloria on the safe and Cardamom
distracting Blaze Taggert...where do I come in?
SKIP
I’m glad you asked, Bowden. I have something special in mind for you this time. It even comes with a special costume!
BOWDEN
You’re speaking my language, Skip.
SKIP
Here you go.
SOUND: Skip slides a bag across the table. Bowden rifles through it and pulls something out.
BOWDEN
What is this?
SKIP
A chauffeur’s hat!
BOWDEN
I assume this is because my role is one of Blaze’s billionaire buddies and you have given me both the budget and the authority to hire my own manservant?
SKIP
No, I need you to pose as Cardamom’s chauffeur so that you can keep the getaway car running right outside the building.
BOWDEN (To himself)
There are no small parts, Bowden, only small minded casting agents.
GLORIA
So Mr. Montcrief is going to drive us all there?
SKIP
No, I think the door man at Blaze’s building would be a bit suspicious if two safe crackers and a computer hacker got out of a limo along with a super model turned reporter.
MACKENZIE
Seems normal to me.
SKIP
Bowden and Cardamom will go by themselves.
GLORIA
I see.
SKIP
McGrath, there’s a coffee house across the street where you can set up shop. Gloria and I will follow your directions on how we should get into the vault room.
CARDAMOM
I assume you’ll signal me once you have what you need from the vault?
MACKENZIE
Once Skip and Gloria are out of there, I’ll find a way to send you the high sign.
SKIP
That’s the plan. Cardamom, Blaze Taggert is expecting you at seven o’clock. McGrath, Gloria, come with me to the quartermaster’s office and we’ll practice cracking safes. Cardamom, Bowden can show you to the wardrobe department to find something appropriate to wear.
GLORIA
I can show her where it is, Agent Granger.
CARDAMOM
I remember where it is. Thank you both.
SKIP
See you at the debrief. It’s an honor to have you here, Cardamom. Dare I say I...like your moxie?
CARDAMOM
Aren’t you sweet?
MACKENZIE
(Vomiting sounds)
CARDAMOM
You sound like my son Robbie. He’s ten.
MACKENZIE
(Vomiting sounds)
SKIP
Oooookay. Let’s go.
MUSIC: Transition
INT. BOWDEN’S CAR
SOUND: The hum of the engine, the wheels on the road. A honk and a skid as the car swerves.
ANGRY DRIVER (Driving away)
Go back to Jersey, you moron!
BOWDEN
Yeah? Well, where’d YOU learn to drive??
CARDAMOM
Bo, please don’t get us killed BEFORE I start the mission.
BOWDEN
I’m sorry, I’m trying to keep my eyes on the road, but you’re just so radiant back there.
CARDAMOM
Eyes, front, mister.
BOWDEN
We’re three blocks from the apartment.
CARDAMOM
Bo, I’m so nervous! I haven’t done a mission in years! I never expected to be called back into the field.
BOWDEN
Neither did I, but it’s going to be fine. Skip is inexperienced and Mackenzie is suffering from a terminal case of arrested development, but they’re getting really good at this. Don’t ever tell them I said this, but it’s almost as good as it was in the old days.
CARDAMOM
And Gloria?
BOWDEN
The next president of the United States. I guarantee it.
CARDAMOM
Bowden Montcrief - first gentlemen?
BOWDEN
Not likely. You probably picked up on some tension on the briefing. I’m afraid my ability to tank a good thing hasn’t changed. Well, you always said I wasn’t the marrying type. How is Gary? Still out to save the world?
CARDAMOM
Well, he tries. He’s still with Doctors Without Borders, but only in an administrative role. Once Austin and Robbie were born, we both agreed - no more leaping behind enemy lines. For either of us.
BOWDEN
So...does he know you’re here tonight?
CARDAMOM
Yes. But he doesn't’ know it’s a mission. I told him I was just consulting. I didn’t want him to worry. Besides, it’s back to school night and I need him to go find out how our boys are doing.
BOWDEN
I envy you. You found the perfect partner and you got out. My life isn’t all that different from when you last saw me. Audition to audition, hoping for a break or at least a potato chip ad that will run for a few years. To tell the truth, if this side gig as a spy hadn’t picked up, I’d probably be
on the dinner theater circuit playing Mayor Shinn until the 76th trombone blows it’s last note.
CARDAMOM
Bowden, you just played Lear! I read the reviews. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there. Hard to get a night out.
BOWDEN
Lear at MY age. I should still be in my Romeo years!
CARDAMOM
(Lets out a kind but questioning “Mmmm”)
BOWDEN
Hamlet? Mmm. I guess there’s just a big part of me that still thinks I’m going to make it big.
CARDAMOM
Bowden, who cares? You are one of the most singular talents I have ever known. Your powers of mimicry are incredible. You could be out doing that every night on talk shows or worse, using
it to con people. You’ve chosen a better path. You chose to help people. Making a difference...the fate of the world in your hands.
SOUND: Cardamom's phone rings.
BOWDEN
The fate of the world. Huh.
CARDAMOM
Oh, it’s Gary. (Answers phone) Hi, love, what's up?
BOWDEN
Doctors.
CARDAMOM
What do you mean?
BOWDEN
Probably lost on his way to the cafeteria.
CARDAMOM
Gary, I told you I have this consulting job, I won’t be home until late. Gary, I asked for this ONE THING. Well, don’t they have doctors in Latvia? Oh. Alright. Alright. I’ll figure it out. I know. I said I’d figure it out. Be safe. I love you.
SOUND: She turns off the phone.
BOWDEN
What's going on?
CARDAMOM
Call Skip. We have to abort the mission.
BOWDEN
Trouble ?
CARDAMOM
There’s an outbreak of hematochezia in Lativa and Gary’s got to go organize an emergency trip. I’m going to have to go to back to school night.
BOWDEN
Skip it.
CARDAMOM
I can’t. Austin and Ronnie are...not the easiest. I need to be an involved parent. And Austin took his new girlfriend to the movies and Gary was supposed to pick them up at 9:00. Oh God, I can’t go dressed like this. Please, stop the car. I’ll get a cab back to HQ and get my clothes.
BOWDEN
We’re already at Taggert’s.
CARDAMOM
Tell Agent Granger I’m sorry. Oh damn it, I was really looking forward to this.
BOWDEN
Then you’re not going to miss it.
SOUND: Bo takes a cell phone picture of Cardamom.
CARDAMOM
Bowden, God the flash! What are you taking pictures of me for?
BOWDEN
Cardamom, we’ve known each other a long time. Do you trust me?
CARDAMOM
Yes, of course.
BOWDEN
Then you go show Blaze Taggert what it’s like to have your ass handed to you by the greatest spy there ever was or ever will be.
SOUND: Bo opens the door.
CARDAMOM
Bo...
BOWDEN
Trust me. Go. I’ve got you covered.
CARDAMOM
Fate of the world?
BOWDEN
Fate of the world.
CARDAMOM
Okay. Thank you, Bo.
BOWDEN
Don’t mention it.
SOUND: She shuts the door and the car speeds away.
MUSIC: Transition
INT. CAFE
SOUND: A coffee house. In the background, an indie band plays open mic night. Mackenzie types on her laptop.
MACKENZIE
This is World’s Greatest Genius, come in Rodent’s Nest. Rodent’s Nest, do you copy?
SKIP (On Comms)
This is the absolute last time you get to pick my call sign.
MACKENZIE
Uhhh, this is World’s Greatest Genius. Rodent’s Nest is that you? You did not identity your call sign, please follow all agency procedures.
SKIP (On Comms)
World’s Greatest Genius, this is Rodent’s Nest and I promise, for the fifth time tonight, there will be no pass codes needed in the rest rooms starting tomorrow. Point taken.
MACKENZIE
Hey, I’m just following the rules, boss.
INT. FIRE STAIRWELL
SOUND: Gloria and Skip climbing the steps.
GLORIA
World’s Greatest Genius, we’re in the service entrance. There are three doors in front of us - advise.
MACKENZIE (On comms)
Copy that. One of the fire stairs should empty right into the vault room. It’s the door on the left. Unlocking now.
SOUND: The door unlocks.
SKIP
Alright. Let’s climb.
MACKENZIE (On comms)
Rat’s Nest, wait!
SOUND: The door opens, and an avalanche of trash falls. As it subsides, Skip and Gloria yelp and make gagging noises.
MACKENZIE (On comms)
Sorry, I meant MY LEFT. That was...
SKIP
The garbage chute.
GLORIA
(Spits something awful out of her mouth.) Shall we try that again?
INT. BLAZE’S APARTMENT
SOUND: An intercom buzzer
SECURITY GUY (Over Intercom)
There’s a Lois Huntley here to see you, Mr. Taggert. Says she’s a reporter.
BLAZE
Yeah, dickwad, I’m expecting her. Send her in.
SECURITY GUY (Over Intercom)
You are not an easy person to get along with.
SOUND: Knock at the door
BLAZE
Yo. It’s open, tootsie pop.
SOUND: Door opens, Cardamom steps in.
CARDAMOM
Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Taggert -
BLAZE
It’s BLAZE. Mr. Taggert is my father and he’s dead and I HATE HIM.
CARDAMOM
Okay. Noted. I’m Lois Huntley with the AP. I’m -
BLAZE
Holy jamolies. No you are not.
CARDAMOM
Pardon me?
BLAZE
You’re Cardamom Brandy!
CARDAMOM
No. I’m Lois Huntley. Girl reporter. Here to do an interview...
BLAZE
Lady, I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I think I know the world’s most famous super model when I see her.
CARDAMOM
Well, I...
BLAZE
Listen, I GET IT. You’re smoking hot. I’m SMOKING HOT and I’m FILTHY RICH. You wanna smash nasties, so you use whatever means to get up here. I like it.
CARDAMOM
Mr. Taggert, I’m flattered by the comparison, but I assure you, I am here interview you. Let the world hear your side of the story.
BLAZE
Pfft. Okay, lady. Whatever you say. Either way, we’re gonna DO IT tonight. I can feel it.
CARDAMOM
Delightful.
INT. STAIRWELL
SOUND: Skip and Gloria climbing steps, panting. They are totally breathless.
SKIP
Remind me why we couldn’t take the service elevator?
MACKENZIE (Over comms)
Because that goes to the kitchen and you’d have to go from there through the living room and into the vault room without being seen. And since you have all the grace of an epileptic blind gazelle, I chose the path of least resistance.
GLORIA
Next time, I get to drive the car. Make Bowden take the stairs. He could use a little cardio. Do you think he’s really sitting outside in the car or do you think he found some stupid excuse to go up with his old flame Cardamom?
SKIP
Gloria, I promise you I’m trying to listen, but I really can’t hear you over the pounding of my heart.
GLORIA
I wish you’d never pulled her file. Why couldn’t you have found someone that isn’t the walking definition of liquid sex?
SKIP
Is the atmosphere getting thinner as we reach the top?
GLORIA
And why does she smell so good? Seriously, did you smell her? It’s like a field of strawberries dipped in expensive scotch wrapped in a cloth of crushed violets. Agent Granger, I need to know. What do I smell like?
SKIP
Garbage.
MACKENZIE (On Comms)
That’s it, you’ve reached the penthouse. I’m opening the door. Get to the vault. And Gloria?
GLORIA
Yes?
MACKENZIE (On Comms)
Try not to stink up the place.
INT. BLAZE'S APARTMENT
CARDAMOM
So, tell me. What’s it like being under house arrest? It must be difficult for a young, handsome man like you not to be out on the scene.
BLAZE
Eh, it sucks. Especially since the government took all my stuff! They took my firggin Game Boy! I WANT MY GAME BOY! WHERE’S MY GAME BOY??
CARDAMOM
Maybe if you hadn’t decided to make life saving drugs completely unaffordable to the people who need them most, they wouldn’t have taken all your things!
BLAZE
Poor people SUCK. What about me? I’m just a business man trying to make a buck in the world! What could be more American than that?
CARDAMOM
I don’t doubt there’s at least part of my readership that agrees with you.
BLAZE
NOBODY likes poor people. Not even other poor people. You know who liked poor people? MY DAD. Stupid dead dad. Always giving away chunks of my inheritance to charity, but when I asked for a Game Boy, what did he say? GET A JOB. Well...I got a job, DAD, and that job is ripping off poor people and I have a Game Boy and YOU’RE STILL DEAD.
CARDAMOM
But the government took all your assets.
BLAZE
Heh heh heh. That’s what they think. Come with me.
CARDAMOM
Are you taking me to your fabled vault room?
BLAZE
No. Better. The bedroom. This way.
CARDAMOM
(Weary groan)
SOUND: Blaze and Cardamom walk off to the bedroom. After a moment, the sound of the fire stairwell door opening. Skip and Gloria speak in a whisper.
SKIP
The coast is clear.
GLORIA
Did he just take her to the bedroom? Ooooh, wait till Bowden hears about this.
SKIP
Gloria, she has a job to do.
GLORIA
Yeah, I bet she does.
SKIP
GLORIA. The safe.
GLORIA
Right. Sorry, boss.
MACKENZIE (On comms)
The vault should be directly behind you, Skip.
SKIP
I see it.
MACKENZIE (On comms)
There should be an old fashioned combination lock on the front. You have to crack that to get to the computerized door on the inside.
SKIP
Gloria, stethoscope.
GLORIA
Stethoscope.
SKIP
LinkedIN don’t fail me now.
SOUND: The combination lock spins. A bit to the left. Click.
SKIP
Four to the left...
SOUND: A bit to the right. Click.
SKIP
Two to the right...
SOUND: A bit back to the left. Thud.
GLORIA
Agent Granger?
SKIP
Uh...hmm. Let’s try again.
SOUND: The dial spins as we move to
INT. BLAZE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
CARDAMOM
So, this is where the magic happens.
BLAZE
Well, it did until they seized my priceless collection of Houdini memorabilia. THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.
CARDAMOM
Oh my, you’re so...passionate.
BLAZE
You wanna see something cool? Those government jerks thought they got everything, but they didn’t.
CARDAMOM
Yes, I’ve heard rumors. The gold record.
BLAZE
What? Oh, that thing. Yeah, that’s cool, I guess. But it’s just that’s just the thing I’m flaunting publicly. I have something way better. See this wall? It’s fake. The feds don’t know it slides open.
SOUND: Blaze presses a button, which beeps and the wall slides open.
CARDAMOM
Oh my God. It’s a room full of...me!
BLAZE
I knew it! I knew it! You are Cardamom Brandy! You know how I knew, besides the fact that you’re the world’s most famous super model? Because I have the world’s largest collection of your memorabilia!
CARDAMOM
This is...eerie. And I’ve had stalkers. Is that my wax figure from Madame Tussaud’s? It was stolen!
BLAZE
Two of them, actually. The one in the swimsuit is from London and the one in the evening gown is from Vegas. I couldn’t let you stay there. You were in constant danger. Do you know that they re-purpose the figures when they’re not popular anymore? I couldn’t let them melt you and turn you into a Alec Baldwin! The horror! Plus, now I have the only two wax figures of you in existence. CHA-CHING!
CARDAMOM
Oh, Blaze, this is really something.
BLAZE
This is only the tip of the iceberg. Would you mind if I took a lock of your hair? It’s not a weird sex thing - I just want your DNA so I can try and clone you.
CARDAMOM
I gotta sit down.
BLAZE
Make yourself at home, the bed’s right there. (Make a disgusting purring noise with is tongue.)
INT. VAULT ROOM - CONTINUOUS
GLORIA
What do you think they’re doing in there? If she hurts Bo I’m going to kill her.
SKIP
Gloria, I understand that you are all at once very very jealous of Cardamom and, paradoxically, very very protective of Bowden, but can you please be both of those things in your head? I’m trying to crack a safe.
SOUND: Combo dial turning.
GLORIA
Sorry, Agent Granger. I’m usually not like this. People have to be who they have to be. But I keep having this dream about Bo.
SKIP
Left four...
GLORIA
Where it’s him, but it’s not him? You know? You ever have a dream like that?
SKIP
Right two...
GLORIA
And then when Cardamom walked into the office, I dunno, it remind me of the dream. Like maybe she was in it too? It just set me off to find out they knew each other.
SKIP
Left...zero. Bingo!
SOUND: Click! It opens.
MACKENZIE (On comms)
Well, another proud moment for the online learning community. It only took you six tries to get a combination we probably just could have guessed.
SKIP
4,2,0?
GLORIA
4-20.
SKIP
Yeah, probably coulda just guessed that one. McGrath, what’s my next
move?
MACKENZIE (On Comms)
The inner door should have a computerized keypad on it. Pop the plastic cover off and you should see a network port.
SKIP
I see it.
MACKENZIE (On Comms)
Plug in the network adapter I gave you and then sit back while I do my magic.
SOUND: Skip removes the cover and plugs in. Modem sounds start.
SKIP
Ten dollars she doesn’t get in any faster than I did.
MACKENZIE (On Comms)
I can hear you, you know. Make it twenty.
SKIP
I’ll make it fifty.
MACKENZIE
Deal. Best mission ever.
INT. BLAZE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
BLAZE
I’ve got it all. The Cardamom Brandy swimwear line. The Cardamom Brandy electric toothbrush. The limited edition Cardamom Brandy perfume!
SOUND: Blaze sprays the perfume in the air. Cardamom gags.
CARDAMOM
Ugh, that stuff is just repackaged surplus White Diamonds from Elizabeth Taylor.
SOUND: Blaze rummages through his collection, pulling out items.
BLAZE
I have your lunch box! Your nail polish! Your board game! I even have Cardamom Brandy brandy! Aged 30 years! Never opened!
CARDAMOM
I wouldn’t. I think that is also just repacked White Diamonds.
BLAZE
I know. It never even made it to market. I have every bottle ever made. It’s worth a fortune!
CARDAMOM
Blaze, I truly don’t know what to say.
BLAZE
You still haven’t seen the best thing? Do you know what I have?
CARDAMOM
I’m afraid to guess.
BLAZE
I have THE can of Moxie that you drank in your famous commercial. The very one! Screen used! Graced by your lips! I bought it off a guy in Japan in exchange for, I dunno, one of my companies. You wanna see it? It’s in the vault.
CARDAMOM
NO, NO, NO. Why don’t we, uh, just stay here and get...more comfortable.
BLAZE
Oh, we’re gonna bump uglies, don’t you worry. But I wanna show you this first. Come on, come on, come on! I wanna take a photo of you with it. That’ll really burn the guys on your reddit.
CARDAMOM
I have a reddit?
BLAZE
Come on! Come on! Come on! I wanna show you my vault! Cardamom! Cardamooooooooom. Moooooom. Mooomm. Cardamommy. Mommmy. Mommy. Mommy.
CARDAMOM
Yikes. Okay, okay, sweetie. Let’s go look at your vault. (Under her breath) Please be out of the vault, Skip.
INT. VAULT ROOM - CONTINUOUS
SOUND: Error noise
MACKENZIE (On Comms)
Son of a donkey!
SKIP
That’s four! Only two more tries before you owe me fifty bucks.
MACKENZIE (On Comms)
Fifth times the charm.
SOUND : Modem noises. Beeping. Happy beeping! The vault opens.
SKIP
Oh sugar.
MACKENZIE (On Comms)
It’s like taking money from a baby. But I’m still taking it.
GLORIA
There it is! The golden record!
SKIP
And a very old soda can. Ooh! Moxie!
GLORIA
Uh...Agent Granger, we’ve got a problem.
BLAZE
HEY! WHAT ARE YOU TWO ASSHOLES DOING?
SKIP
Now, now, Mr. Taggert, we can explain. We’re...vault inspectors.
GLORIA
Yes.
SKIP
We’re just here to make sure the vault meets the high McDuck standards. As you can see, everything is in tip top shape.
BLAZE
But the safe is open! You broke in!
SKIP
Yes, but look how well preserved the stuff inside is!
BLAZE
I can smell a government rat a mile away! God, you smell like rancid garbage.
SKIP
It’s a new deterrent we’re trying.
BLAZE
You IRS scumbag!
SOUND: A gun is pulled.
CARDAMOM
Agents, look out he’s got a gun!
BLAZE
You know them? TRAITOR!
SOUND: Blaze pulls Cardamom to him.
SKIP
Let her go!
BLAZE
Oh no. I think I’m going to make Ms. Brandy here a permanent part of my collection.
CARDAMOM
Blaze, just let them go and we can talk about this. Wouldn’t you like to see me pose with the soda can?
BLAZE
I WANNA KILL THEM FIRST!
CARDAMOM
You listen to me, young man. I am not going to fulfill a single one of your fantasies until you put that gun down and let my friends go.
BLAZE
But Cardamoooom.
CARDAMOM
I will send you right to your room and if you don’t stop acting like a spoiled brat right now then you can forget about hiding your collection from the IRS. I will hand it over to them personally.
BLAZE
YOU ARE BEING SO UNFAIR!
CARDAMOM
I mean it. You have until the count of three. One...
MACKENZIE (On comms)
This is so screwed up.
CARDAMOM
Two...
SKIP
You're telling me.
MACKENZIE (On comms)
I love it. Best mission EVER!
CARDAMOM
Three.
BLAZE
Oh, fine. Go stand with your friends.
SOUND: Cardamom is pushed over towards Skip and Gloria.
CARDAMOM
You made a very good choice, Blaze.
BLAZE
Thanks. But really, I just have a clear shot of all of you now.
SOUND: The gun cocks.
GLORIA
Cardamom! Watch out!
SKIP
Gloria, what are you doing with the gold record? Gloria, no!
GLORIA
Hi-kiba!!
SOUND: The record spins through the air and whacks Blaze, who drops the gun. The record smashes into pieces as it his the ground.
SKIP
Right between the eyes!
CARDAMOM
Gloria, that was amazing! Though I had no idea gold could shatter like that.
GLORIA
Or that a human nose had that many bones in it.
BLAZE
Oh, my face! My beautiful face! Ouchy! Ouchy!
MACKENZIE (On Comms)
What happened? How much blood is there? I can’t believe I’m not seeing this!
SKIP
The record is in pieces. I guess the world will never get to hear what was on here.
GLORIA
Well, let’s pick up the pieces and get out of here before he gets his second wind. Tell Bo to bring the car around.
CARDAMOM
Oh. Umm. Does anyone have taxi money?
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
MUSIC: Transition
SOUND: The beeps and blips of the briefing room.
SKIP
Alright, we have a minute before the Section Chief comes in for the debrief. Should we, uh, get our stories straight?
MACKENZIE
So, is this the week she finally fires us?
SKIP
I’m gonna give it sixty-forty.
CARDAMOM
I don’t remember it being this hard.
GLORIA
I thought you were spectacular. The way you handled Mr. Taggert.
CARDAMOM
I handled? How about you? Using that gold record like a discus.
GLORIA
What can I say? I’ve got a pitcher’s arm. I see why Bo loves you. I’m happy for him.
CARDAMOM
But -
SOUND: The door opens and Zelda enters.
SKIP
Section Chief Anders -
ZELDA
Save it, Granger. I’ve already read your initial report. It’s late and I would like to go home to my wife, so let’s just run this one down the line, okay?
SKIP
Alrighty.
ZELDA
The vault?
SKIP
Breached. Eventually.
ZELDA
The gold record?
SKIP
We’ve sent it to the lab in hopes Dr. Legrange can reconstruct it, but uh...there’s a lot of pieces.
ZELDA
Blaze Taggert?
SKIP
On his way to a twelve step reconciliation program with his mother. After he recovers from reconstructive surgery.
ZELDA
Will someone please tell me something good for a change.
MACKENZIE
I won fifty bucks.
CARDAMOM
If I may. Taggert’s collection of, uh, me, is probably worth well over a million dollars. The fact that he’s hid it from the government should be enough to put him behind bars no matter what.
SKIP
Pretty good outcome. Wouldn’t you say, chief?
ZELDA
Whatever. Let’s call this one a win.
SKIP
YES!
MACKENZIE
Chief, I like how low your standards are slipping. I really feel good about this.
ZELDA
I’m going to try very hard not to think too much about it. Though, dare I even ASK where Bowden is?
SOUND: The door opens.
BOWDEN
Outside the door, waiting to make the perfect entrance.
ZELDA
Why the HELL are you in a dress?
GLORIA
Oh my God. This is exactly the dream I keep having.
CARDAMOM
Wait a minute! Bo, is that MY dress?
BOWDEN
Damn straight.
SKIP
He wears it well.
ZELDA
Someone please tell me what’s going on.
MACKENZIE
Clearly, it’s Bowden’s midlife crisis and we all have front row seats. Have I mentioned this is the best mission ever?
BOWDEN
Tell me, Mackenzie, do you sit at home practicing these little quips while you wait for your microwave burrito to cook? I would have thought it was perfectly obvious what was going on. I promised Cardamom that I’d take care of the parent teacher conference and I did.
CARDAMOM
You mean...
BOWDEN
I went in your place. Mackenzie, you’re a frustrating person, but your SnapFace machine is a miracle worker. No one suspected a thing.
SOUND: Bowden throws the mask on the table.
CARDAMOM
That’s...my face! Bowden, you’re a life saver! Is everything okay with Robbie?
BOWDEN
Robbie needs to work on his spelling, but otherwise he has a sharp mind and is one of the best behaved students in the class. I picked up Austin from his date and we had a heart to heart about the changes he’s going through. I think he was pretty surprised how knowledgeable his “mom” is about a teenaged boy’s body.
MACKENZIE
Oh god.
BOWDEN
I volunteered you to help run the book sale and told Austin you’d consider letting him go visit his uncle in Florida for spring break if he gets his grades up.
CARDAMOM
Bowden Montcrief, I don’t know what to say.
BOWDEN
I may have also promised your husband a certain something special on his birthday...
SKIP
Ice cream cake?
BOWDEN
Cardamom, dear heart, you were right. THIS is what I do best. Helping others.
CARDAMOM
Bo, thank you so much. You’re the best friend a girl could ask for.
GLORIA
Friend?
BOWDEN
Yes. Wait. Gloria, did you think Cardamom and I...
CARDAMOM
Me and BOWDEN?
SOUND: Bowden and Cardamom burst into laughter.
BOWDEN
Gloria, I introduced Cardamom to her husband. He was my pediatrist until he hit the big time.
CARDAMOM
Even if I had been interested, at the time it was totally against regulations for team members to be involved with one another.
SKIP
It still is. Section ten, paragraph four of the handbook...
ZELDA
Granger.
SKIP
It’s being revised. We’ll take it under consideration.
BOWDEN
Gloria, you are a strange bird, but it’s a strange world and I adore your company.
GLORIA
(Not sure what to say) Oh!
BOWDEN
I have been acting like a real jerk. First to Mackenzie and then to you. You’re the best damn government research fellow in the business. I apologize and I would really like to audition to be a supporting role in your life.
GLORIA
Oh, Bowden! Yes, of course.
BOWDEN
It would be my pleasure to take you out to dinner this evening. Assuming we’re done here.
ZELDA
Quite done. Dismissed. I need to go home and have a handle of vodka.
BOWDEN
Gloria, what’s that new fragrance you’re wearing...White Diamonds?
MACKENZIE
Gar-bah-ge
BOWDEN
Enchanting. Let me just stop in the locker room and change out of this dress.
GLORIA
Do you have to? I sort of like it.
BOWDEN
It’s like dating Sandy Duncan all over again. Cardamom, I’ll have the dress back to you in the morning.
CARDAMOM
You know what...keep it.
MUSIC: End credits theme.
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis. It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice.
Guest Starring were Ashley Banks as Ocean Girl, Molly Ward as Cardamom Brandy, Dustin Karrat as Blaze Taggert, Karen Yang as Dr. Karol Legrange and Bob Killion as Security Guy and The Admiral. Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry.
Like us on Facebook and follow us on Instagram and Twitter @MissionRejected. Support us on Patreon for exclusive content, bonus audios and more at www.patreon.com/missionrejected. This has been a Porch Room Production, copyright 2019 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
SOUND: The door opens.
LAGRANGE
Knock knock, Johnny Cakes!
SKIP
Oh good, Dr. Lagrange! It’s so good to see you. Did you have any luck reconstructing the gold record?
LAGRANGE
Ack ya! But boy howdy zis one was a doozy let me tell you.
SKIP
Forgive me for saying so, but shouldn’t it be...round?
LAGRANGE
It’s roundish.
SKIP
It’s egg shaped!
LAGRANGE
Hey, bucko, I’m not the one who used zis as a spinning platter of death, okay?
SKIP
Will it play? Can we save the song?
LAGRANGE
Fire up the Victrola, scooter!
SOUND: A needle goes down on the record and the song starts. It's badly distorted.
SONG
Baby whale...do do doot doot do do doot...Baby whale...
LAGRANGE
Catchy.
MUSIC: END STINGER
BLAZE
Getta job!