Season One, Episode Eight: “PARK IT LIKE IT’S HOT”
Transcript
SOUND: OCEAN WAVES AND ISLAND MUSIC.
THE ADMIRAL (OVER PA)
Your Ocean Bureau crew is here to attend to your every spiritual need! Stop by the Cleansing Room and get translucent!
CHET
Look. At. That. Island. A lush green gumdrop in an endless sea of pristine... sea. That’s Grade A wordsmithing, Chet Phillips. You should get out of the spy game and write travel brochures. This cruise has been the best... ummm... it’s been the best... few... hold on.
SOUND: DING, DING.
OCEAN GIRL
You rang, dearest Chet of mine?
CHET
Trixie... I was just trying to figure out, how long have we been on this cruise?
OCEAN GIRL
Why would you want to know that?
CHET
Well, because... you know...
OCEAN GIRL
I’m sure I don’t.
CHET
It seems like cruises... are supposed to... end. At some point.
OCEAN GIRL
I wonder what time Jeopardy comes on in Stuttgart.
CHET (DAZED)
What... did you..
.OCEAN GIRL (STRANGE AND DISTORTED)
I wonder what time Jeopardy comes on in Stuttgart.
CHET (dazed)
A German Daily Double is a täglich doppelt.
OCEAN GIRL (STRANGE AND DISTORTED)
But in a world where every category is potent potables...
CHET (dazed)
The only real Jeopardy is final.
(beat)
Look. At. That. A lush green gumdrop in an endless sea of--
SOUND: SHIP’S HORN. IN THE NEAR DISTANCE, WE HEAR PASSENGERS DISEMBARKING: ‘BYE BYE’, ‘ARRIVIDERCI’, ETC.
CHET (dazed)
Huh. People leaving the boat. I wouldn’t want to leave the boat.
OCEAN GIRL
Not even if someone, say... sent you a drone?
SOUND: CLICK.
MISSION VOICE
Good morning, Chet. Oleg Sokolov, the KGB’s most feared interrogator, has vanished. Given the number of--
SOUND: CLICK.
CHET (dazed)
Rejected.
SOUND: OCEAN GIRL GIGGLES, AND WE GO INTO THE THEME SONG
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world's most secret agents...the backups. Tonight's episode: "Park It Like It's Hot"
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION INTO A DOOR CREAKING OPEN. THE USUAL BEEPS AND NOISE OF THE BRIEFING ROOM
MACKENZIE
Skip? You in here? Why are the lights off...
SKIP GRANGER (whispering)
McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Where are you? I can’t see jack!
SKIP GRANGER
What’s my middle name?
MACKENZIE
I don’t know... OCD? Buzzkill?
SKIP GRANGER
OK, bad test... do I have siblings?
MACKENZIE
Yes! Three older, three younger.
SKIP GRANGER
Well... a lot of people know that.
MACKENZIE
THEN WHY DID YOU ASK-- fine. You want to know it’s really me? I’m still mad about the ‘Red One’ code name in Orlando. LUKE WAS RED FIVE!
SOUND: CLICK. SOMEONE MOVING CHAIRS OUT OF THE WAY.
MACKENZIE
Finally, some lights. Skip, why are you under the table?
SKIP GRANGER
I’m sorry I got you into this. You should leave now, go to prison, where you’ll be safe.
MACKENZIE
Should I call someone? A doctor, a pharmacist, a priest, a rabbi--
SKIP GRANGER
I was raised Unitarian.
MACKENZIE
So, anyone with an acoustic guitar will do?
SKIP GRANGER
McGrath, listen carefully and do not lie: have you ever received a parking ticket in Des Moines, Iowa?
MACKENZIE
No. No one would lie about that.
SKIP GRANGER
Good. You’re not in their system.
MACKENZIE
IN WHOSE SYSTEM--
SKIP GRANGER
Read this.
MACKENZIE
An EMF dossier on Oleg Sokolov?
SKIP GRANGER
Use the quiet room. Don’t come out till you’re done.
MACKENZIE
OK, OK. This is weird, you know, even by Granger standards...
SOUND: A DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.
SKIP GRANGER
Gloria?
GLORIA
Yes, Agent Granger?
SKIP GRANGER
Any word on my purchase request? I’m so glad Bowden told me we could get kevlar vests!
GLORIA
Yes; the quartermaster wants to know why you need sixteen vests for a four agent mission.
SKIP GRANGER
Is the quartermaster interested in executing our wills?
GLORIA
Um... that wasn’t on the form...
SKIP GRANGER
You ask him. YOU ASK HIM. AND THEN YOU BRING BACK SIXTEEN VESTS.
GLORIA (frightened)
Um K bye!
SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS AND THEN CLOSE.
MACKENZIE
They can’t send us after this man!
SKIP GRANGER
They can and they will.
MACKENZIE
Did you read page eight? He used a melon baller?!?!
SKIP GRANGER
Now look at the autopsy pictures and realize where he stuck it.
MACKENZIE
You were right. I’m going to prison. My ass looks good in a jumpsuit, I’m sure I’ll find someone who’ll protect me--
SKIP GRANGER
No. We’ve got a job to do. We’re no different than a soldier on the front lines, or a deep cover agent under questioning, or a House of Representatives janitor cleaning the hot tub after the Freedom Caucus gets out. It’s dirty work, but it’s ours.
MACKENZIE
Oh God, page sixteen.
SKIP GRANGER
Yeah. Unless we find the victim’s eyeballs, we’ll never know if he used a cattle prod or a car battery. If we’re to survive this mission, every one of us needs to be on task and laser focused.
SOUND: DOOR OPENS. BOWDEN COMES IN SINGING A COMMERCIAL JINGLE. THE SOUNDS OF TAP DANCING, TOO.
BOWDEN (SINGING)
You! Can! Mess around with messes that are messing with you/but if you want to feel your cleanest through and through/buy the Glimmerglo mop and dust system todaaaaaaay! At Target!
SOUND: BIG TAP FINISH. ONE PERSON APPLAUDS.
MACKENZIE
We’re dead.
GLORIA
I didn’t know you could tap dance, Bowden!
BOWDEN
Neither did I! Those YouTube tutorials are a wonder!
SKIP GRANGER
Bowden, take a seat, please.
BOWDEN
If you don’t mind, I’m going to keep working my running flaps. I have a callback for a Glimmerglo Mop commercial tomorrow! Ziggy the Tap Dancing Mop could be my Hamlet!
MACKENZIE
Didn’t you actually play Hamlet?
BOWDEN
In Michael Bay’s first and only stage production. It was a bold choice, replacing the poisoned chalice with a rocket launcher.
SKIP GRANGER
Gloria, first slide, please!
GLORIA
Yes, sir!
SOUND: TAP DANCING IN THE BACKGROUND AS SKIP CLICKS THROUGH HIS POWERPOINT. AS HE SPEAKS, SKIP’S WORDS FALL INTO THE CADENCE OF BOWDEN’S TAPPING.
SKIP GRANGER
You’re looking at Oleg Sokolov, the most infamous KGB agent of the twenty-first century. He ran the Russian’s elite rendition squad since 2003 DAMMIT BOWDEN!
BOWDEN
If you’re picking up what I’m laying down, that means I’m laying it down smoooooooth.
MACKENZIE
Whatever, Savion.
NOTE: AGAIN, SKIP’S SPEAKING CADENCE GRADUALLY FALLS INTO THE CADENCE OF BOWDEN’S TAPPING.
SKIP GRANGER
Sokolov's role at the KGB was to interrogate assets.
GLORIA
What kind of assets?
SKIP GRANDER
Top level assests.
GLORIA
You say top level assests?
SKIP
But he caused quite a stir in the intelligence world when six months ago he vanished!
BOWDEN (TAPPING STOPS)
Vanished?
SKIP GRANGER
Like a DC tentpole at the box office. (Pause) Oh. You stopped.
BOWDEN
Yes I did.
SKIP GRANGER
This security footage was taken on March the fourth at Sokolov’s apartment complex. That’s him, getting on the elevator. It’s the last time he appeared on the grid... until three days ago.
SOUND: CLICK
SKIP GRANGER
This security footage is from a Dairy Queen Drive Through in Waukee, Iowa last Tuesday. Observe the tan Camry. The driver hands over a debit card, collects what our analysts have determined is a Bacon Cheeseburger with a side of Cheese Curds...
MACKENZIE
Our analysts have too much time.
SKIP GRANGER
... the Camry parks, and the driver walks inside to complain to management. Apparently, the order did not come with adequate ketchup.
BOWDEN
That sort of looks like Sokolov.
MACKENZIE
But how are we sure it’s him?
SKIP GRANGER
Because eleven minutes later, the manager of this Dairy Queen listed his house on Zillow and moved to a commune outside Guadalajara.
BOWDEN
Good gravy.
MACKENZIE
No, insufficient ketchup.
SKIP GRANGER
Only two men on earth are trained to instill that level of fear in a subject that quickly. Bob Saget’s whereabouts are accounted for at that time, so that leaves Sokolov.
SOUND: MACKENZIE BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER.
MACKENZIE
Guys... why are you looking at me like that?
SKIP GRANGER
We’re not sure why you’re laughing.
MACKENZIE
Cause Bob Saget! Duh! You implied he’s some sort of...
GLORIA
Does she not know?
MACKENZIE
Know what?
SKIP GRANGER
QUIET. Look, McGrath, it’s clear that part of your induction training was missed, but... it’s best if we don’t
mention Bob Saget.
BOWDEN (whispers ominously)
Or he’ll be the last thing you ever see.
GLORIA (whispers ominously)
Saget is the night.
MACKENZIE
You’re all weirdos.
SKIP GRANGER
After the Cheese Curds incident...
GLORIA
Mmmm, Cheese Curds....
SKIP GRANGER
Stay with us, Gloria. We observed Sokolov’s Camry later that day outside the offices of the Des Moines Parking Authority. It was there again on the following day, and the day after that.
SOUND: CLICK
GLORIA
Here we see the revenue reported by the Des Moines Parking Authority over the past year. The green line represents summonses served, and the red line, summonses collected.
MACKENZIE
What the... look at March!
SKIP GRANGER
In March, the Des Moines Parking Authority registered a slight uptick in summonses collected.
BOWDEN
That’s like saying the Fyre Festival had slight logistical issues.
MACKENZIE
Their revenue went from negative one hundred to plus one hundred and four thousand in a month!
SKIP GRANGER
Many people who receive parking tickets in Des Moines are now paying more than the stated fine, just to placate the agency. And this started within one week of Sokolov’s disappearance.
BOWDEN
So...
MACKENZIE
We’re thinking...
SKIP GRANGER
That for the past six months, Oleg Sokolov, world renowned torturer, interrogator, and instiller of fear in fast food management, has been running the Des Moines Parking Authority.
MACKENZIE
Makes as much sense as anything else I’ve heard today.
SKIP GRANGER
Sokolov is a potential treasure trove of intelligence. And if he’s running the Des Moines Parking Authority, he’s doing so in secret. So Anders wants us to... (TAKES A DEEP BREATH) Infiltrate the Des Moines Parking Authority and obtain leverage with which to blackmail Sokolov into cooperating with the EMF.
BOWDEN
You OK there, Skip?
SKIP GRANGER
Just stressed. This mission is quite the responsibility.
BOWDEN
I’ve got some good breathing exercises to help deal with stress. Picked them up from Jim Belushi.
MACKENZIE
Bowden, maybe you should read some of the background on Sokolov...
SOUND: PASSING BOWDEN SOME PAPER, BOWDEN FLIPPING PAGES
BOWDEN
Is that a turkey baster stuck through the man’s--ohhh dear. The Belushis won’t do at all, we need the Charlie Sheen breathing exercises for this.
SOUND: BOWDEN DOING SOME INSANE BREATHING EXERCISE
MACKENZIE
Hold the phone. After the hacker mission, we made a big, rah rah, “go team” stand against Anders.
SKIP GRANGER
I recall. My acid reflux has been acting up ever since.
BOWDEN
I know some yoga poses that can help with acid reflux. Charlie Sheen taught me those, too.
MACKENZIE
So on our very next mission, Anders is maxing out the major league cloak and dagger stuff by sending us after a bloodthirsty KGB legend?
GLORIA
You’re not implying...
SKIP GRANGER
You think Section Chief Anders is trying to... off us?
BOWDEN
She wouldn’t! She knows full well about my Glimmerglo callback!
SKIP GRANGER
I’ve known Anders for years. I refuse to believe she means us harm.
MACKENZIE
OK, then who’s helping us on this mission? Who’s our Gilligan, our Studebaker, our Dixon Cain--
BOWDEN
There’s a name I’d be happy to go a month without hearing.
MACKENZIE
Put you right off Bob Saget.
BOWDEN
Oh, I’d face Cain seven days a week before I dared challenge Saget.
MACKENZIE
ANYWAY. Who is it, Skip?
SKIP GRANGER
Well, Anders thinks this was a mission we can... handle alone.
MACKENZIE
I’m sure she does.
SOUND: TEXT NOTIFICATION
GLORIA
Agent Granger, that was from the EMF Quartermaster. Your purchase requisition came through.
SKIP GRANGER
Ah, there, see? The EMF is entirely behind us. Any hurt feelings on Anders’ part are clearly...
GLORIA
He just asks that you Scotchguard the kevlar. He says the last time an EMF agent dealt with Sokolov, it took him eight days to get the blood off the gear.
SKIP GRANGER
... clearly... ancient... history. OK. Refocusing. The only way we’re going to succeed here is if we look past the danger and see the opportunity! I say this mission is going to be our greatest success! We’re going to march into Des Moines, blackmail Sokolov, and be out of there so fast that McGrath will begin trusting the EMF--
MACKENZIE
No way. Never trust an acronym.
SKIP GRANGER
-- Bowden will make his audition--
BOWDEN
Callback!
SKIP GRANGER
-- and Gloria can go for Dairy Queen cheese curds, which is all she’s been thinking about for five minutes now!
GLORIA
No lies detected.
MACKENZIE
And how are you so certain you’re going to be able to keep this mission on an even keel, Skip? You’re last few attempts at undercover work have left everything to be desired.
SKIP GRANGER
Because I’ve built this plan around the one thing Skip Granger does better than anyone, Chet Phillips included. Now let’s go, team. We’ve got an efficiency audit to perform!
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION INTO AN INTERIOR ENVIRONMENT: AN OFFICE. LIGHT MUZAK, SOMETHING ON A JOHN DENVER LEVEL OF INNOCUOUS. A PHONE RINGS, AND IS PICKED UP
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Good morning, Des Moines Parking Authority. How may we brighten your day?
(beat)
Oh, yes, Mister Groossfelt, I have your file right here. We received payment of your parking ticket, but you were eleven cents short, given prevailing interest rates that day.
(beat)
It’s in the fine print on the back of the ticket, right beneath our customer service Twitter handle and above The Lord’s Prayer. And yes, that eleven cents is why we sent our representative to your place of employment this morning.
(beat)
Why of course, it’s only business! If you remit eleven cents to our representative, he’ll be happy to remove the vice grips from your...
(beat)
Well, this all worked out! You have a blessed day!
SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS, AND “AMAZING GRACE” DOOR CHIMES PLAY. FOOTSTEPS AS PEOPLE ENTER.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Welcome to the Des Moines Parking Authority! How may we brighten your day?
SKIP GRANGER
Good morning, miss...
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Sederstrom, Ellie Mae Sederstrom, at your blessed service!
BOWDEN
We're from the Federal Accountability, Transparency, and Sustainability Office.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Oh, FATSO! We're more than ready for you.
SKIP GRANGER
But... this is a surprise visit.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM (polite but ominous)
Our policy is to be completely prepared for audits at all times. We don't like surprises at the Des Moines Parking Authority. It’s something our new director demands of us.
SKIP GRANGER
New director? I don’t see a new director on our sheet. Clearly your office failed to file a--
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
An L-47 form communicating a change in line management?
SKIP GRANGER
Precisely.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
The confusion must be on your end. Here’s my fuchsia copy of the L-47, along with delivery notifications of the pink and mauve copies to the state and federal offices.
SKIP GRANGER
Ahhh, rookie mistake, there, Miss Sederstrom, you also need to file--
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
And here’s our Y-96 authorizing online distribution of the L-47.
SKIP GRANGER
That Y-96 is, of course, useless without a--
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
And here’s our D-52 authorizing the issuance of hard copies of the L-47 to agencies still using the X-5 documentation protocols.
SKIP GRANGER (smitten)
Oh. Wow. Well, Miss Sederstrom, that’s, um, very... impressive.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Why, thank you. I’ll just give you the documents for you your files.
SKIP GRANGER
If it’s not too much trouble.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Oh, you can see my L-47 any time.
MACKENZIE (softly)
Let’s find the KGB killer, I can’t handle much more of this chick.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
I'll need to see identification.
SKIP GRANGER
Yes, yes of course, here you go.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Thank you, Mister... Fantastico?
SKIP GRANGER
WHA why yes, Yes, that's me, that's my name.
(reading his ID)
Enrique Fantastico.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
I don't think I've ever met a Fantastico before.
MACKENZIE (under her breath)
You still haven't.
SKIP GRANGER
Well, it's an Ellis Island name.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Oooh, how exotic! What was it originally?
SKIP GRANGER
It was, um, you know, my family doesn't actually know...
MACKENZIE
I've got a few suggestions.
BOWDEN
Ahem. Here’s our IDs, miss.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Very good, Kent and Ramona Williams. Are you two--
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Ah. Well. How Game of Thrones. And your ID, miss...
MACKENZIE
Jennifer Stanmetz. But that's an Ellis Island name, too. Our actual family name is Awesomesauce.
SKIP GRANGER
Ahem.
MACKENZIE
It's Liecthenstienian.
SKIP GRANGER
AHEM.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
I just need two minutes to photocopy your IDs. If you get bored, feel free to ask Alexa to play any of Amy Grant's latest hits. I won't be long!
SOUND: DOOR OPENS/CLOSES AS ELLIE MAE LEAVES
BOWDEN
Well, this is all going swimmingly.
MACKENZIE
If we're swimming in quicksand.
SKIP GRANGER
You pipe down, Miss Awesomesauce!
MACKENZIE
You didn't like the name? I thought it was Fantastico! Where did those IDs come from, Skip?
SKIP GRANGER
They were given to me by...
MACKENZIE
Let me guess. Starts with a ‘Z’, rhymes with ‘Elda Anders’? She sent you into the field with a Saturday Night Live character for a cover name and you still don’t see this is a set up?!
BOWDEN
Skip, McGrath, can we focus! We need to get through this ASAP so I can make my callback!
GLORIA
Really, Bowdoin? You almost blew our cover, too!
BOWDEN
What are you talking about? My cover file said we were siblings!
GLORIA
My file said spouses!
SKIP GRANGER
How could Anders have made such a rookie mistake on the cover files?
MACKENZIE
BECAUSE IT’S NOT A MISTAKE!
SKIP GRANGER
No. I refuse to accept your interpretation of these events. Now everyone focus on your assignments.
MACKENZIE
FINE. I'll scour the network for anything identifying Sokolov.
SKIP GRANGER
Good. Bowden, Gloria? You do the same with the physical records. I'm going to interview this Director Smith. If you find anything, let me know over comms. Once we have evidence, I'll spring the trap!
MACKENZIE
Fantastico!
SKIP GRANGER
STOP THAT!
SOUND: A DOOR OPENS/CLOSES, ELLIE MAE RETURNS.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Mister Fantastico, how would you like to proceed with the audit?
SKIP GRANGER
If you could show Miss Stanmetz to your server room, she'll authenticate your security.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Very well. (SOUND: INTERCOM CLICK) Olga, come in please.
SOUND: A DOOR OPENS/CLOSES. OLGA, A VERY STERN SOUNDING RUSSIAN WOMAN, ENTERS
OLGA
Yes.
BOWDEN
Good God, Putin has a sister.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Would you show Miss Stanmetz to the server room?
OLGA
Of course.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Just follow Olga, Miss Stanmetz. I'd warn you the static electricity in the server room might do wild things to your hair, but such things obviously don’t concern you.
MACKENZIE
Ohhhhh sister...
SOUND: DOOR OPENS/CLOSES, OLGA AND MACKENZIE LEAVE
SKIP GRANGER
I'm sorry, your associate's name was...
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Olga. She’s been here since June, part of Director Smith's diversity push!
SKIP GRANGER
How forward thinking.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Yes, it's been eye opening bringing in employees from such interesting backgrounds. We even have a fella in the mail room from Cedar Rapids!
BOWDEN
Like living in a Benetton ad.
SKIP GRANGER
Now, Mister and Miss Williams will need access to your file room.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
(SOUND: INTERCOM CLICK) Tatiana, if you'd please?
SOUND: DOOR OPENS/CLOSES, TATIANA ENTERS. SHE’S AS STERN AS OLGA, BUT WITH MORE OF A DOMINATRIX VIBE
TATIANA
Yes, Miss Sederstrom?
SKIP GRANGER
WOW. That’s a lot of leather for business casual.
GLORIA
Depends on your business.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Would you direct these two to the physical records room?
SOUND: DOOR OPENS/CLOSES, TATIANA/BOWDEN/GLORIA LEAVE
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Well, that just leaves you, Mister Fantastico.
SKIP GRANGER
Yes, it certainly does. I was thinking, new director Smith, he must have a lot to say about day to day operations.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Oh, indeed he does.
SKIP GRANGER
I was wondering if he and I might--
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM (turning on the charm)
In fact, he's having me institute a brand new color coded case file system. I could walk you through it, step by step...
SKIP GRANGER
Did you say... color-coded?
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Mmmm-hmmm.
SKIP GRANGER
Is there... midnight taupe?
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Midnight, dusk, and dawn.
SKIP GRANGER
Well... as they say, all work and no play!
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION INTO A BIG, EMPTY ROOM
MACKENZIE
So... this is the server room?
OLGA
It is.
MACKENZIE
Call me modernistic, but generally a server room contains a server.
OLGA
It’s right there, on the table.
MACKENZIE
That? That’s an iMac G4 from 2002! When this thing came out this country had a Republican president who'd stolen the election and was actively machinating us into an unfounded war in the Middle East! OK, perhaps that's not the best analogy to prove my point but YOU GET THE GIST.
OLGA
You asked for the server room. This is it. And don't mind the noise.
SOUND: BLOODCURDLING SCREAM
MACKENZIE
Um... what was that?
OLGA
Accounts receivable.
SOUND: DOOR OPENS/CLOSES, OLGA LEAVES. AS MCGRATH BEGINS TO TYPE...
MACKENZIE
Holy cow. ‘Storage Wars’ is less staged than this mission...
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION
TATIANA
Here’s the physical records room.
BOWDEN
Great Lillian Gish that's a lot of files.
TATIANA
Des Moines was founded in 1843.
BOWDEN
Yes, but there's only been parking for about half of that.
GLORIA
Not so, Kent. Look at this, a summons from 1852, levied against Josiah McMasters for double-parking his Clydesdale.
TATIANA
In Des Moines, we take our parking... seriously.
SOUND: DOOR OPENS/CLOSES, TATIANA LEAVES
BOWDEN
How can everyone here make parking sound so ominous? Let’s get cracking, I’ve got at least an hour of ball changes to review tonight.
GLORIA
FOR GOD’S SAKE.
BOWDEN
You’re right. The ball changes are worth two hours at least--
GLORIA
Seriously Bowden! This is the biggest mission I’ve been a part of at the EMF, Skip is counting on us! On me! And if you can’t forget the mop thing for two minute--
BOWDEN
Hey! The ‘mop’ thing is only the first decent gig my agent has got me in for since ‘The Lion King’ needed understudy hippos!
GLORIA
Yeah, well this is my gig! It’s important to me and my career! So Can. You. Please. FOCUS!
BOWDEN
Yes. You’re right. You’re absolute--
SOUND: BOWDEN’S PHONE BUZZES
BOWDEN
Just a sec.
(SOUND: ANSWERS PHONE)
Hello. Gary? What? No, I can't make it over to the studio now. Because I'm not in New York, I'm... I can't say. Well, when do they... I'll never be back in time... A SKYPE AUDITION? I'm BOWD--
GLORIA
KENT WILLIAMS.
BOWDEN
I'M... SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T DO SKYPE AUDITIONS. OK FINE! Forty five minutes, yes. YES ALREADY.
(SOUND: THE CALL ENDS)
We've got forty five minutes to prove there's a commie in this building, and I'm going to do it, or my name isn't GUY WHO DOESN'T DO SKYPE AUDITIONS. LET'S SEARCH.
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM (cooing and giggling)
Do you want to... touch it?
SKIP GRANGER
Oh do I ever.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
I've never let a stranger do this before, but...
SKIP GRANGER
Ohhhh... this is the smoothest manila folder I’ve ever felt...
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
It's going to ruin you for your filing system back home.
SKIP GRANGER
Look at the tab dividers shimmer...
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
They’re a custom plastic blend of my own design.
SKIP GRANGER
I don’t doubt it. When you had your Y-96 at the ready, I said, this is a woman who gets things done.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Let me show you something else.
SOUND: DOOR OPENS
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
This is my own personal filing cabinet. Cases going back to my first days at the Parking Authority. A sort of memory lane.
SKIP GRANGER
Ooooh. A walk-in.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Let me give you the guided tour... I'm sure you'll be interested in how I... cross-reference.
SOUND: WALKING. DOOR CLOSES.
SKIP GRANGER
Hmmm. Sure is dark in here. Ellie Mae, I can't seem to find the... the... I'm in here alone, aren't I?
SOKOLOV
No, you are not... Mister Granger.
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION
MACKENZIE
Unbelievable... absolutely un-flippin-believable. Olga? Are you--
SOUND: DOOR OPENS
OLGA
Yes, miss?
MACKENZIE
Good reflexes.
OLGA
Years of training at the Stalingrad Tennis Academy.
MACKENZIE
How did I not guess, with your nimble six foot six frame.
OLGA
Mixed doubles.
MACKENZIE
Two questions. Can you explain how this iMac G4 is the most advanced computer I've ever used? You've got a complete set of electronic records, your personnel files, and a Virtual Reality simulation to train meter maids...
OLGA
Ah yes, "Maids Unleashed: the VR Experience".
MACKENZIE
Who built this thing?
OLGA
I'm sure I do not know. Director Smith brought it with him from a previous place of employment.
MACKENZIE
Which leads to my second question: you have a complete set of personnel records, but nothing on Director Smith.
OLGA
The transfer of information is still being negotiated with Director Smith's previous employer.
MACKENZIE
And that would be...
OLGA
I Am Not At Liberty To Say.
MACKENZIE
Of course you're not.
OLGA
No, that is the name of the employer. I Am Not At Liberty To Say, LLC. Advanced cryptographic solutions. A wholly owned subsidiary of Who's Asking, Inc?
MACKENZIE
Who's Asking, Inc?
OLGA
Not me, I use pencils. HAHAHAHA! That is a good Russian joke, no?
MACKENZIE
I walked right into that one.
OLGA
Not surprising. You also walked into that FBI sting last year... Mackenzie McGrath!
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION
BOWDEN
Nothing here... how many files have we been through?
GLORIA
Five hundred and twenty.
BOWDEN
How far back does that get us?
GLORIA
Last Tuesday.
BOWDEN
They've opened five hundred and twenty cases in five days?
GLORIA
Those are just the pending. Closed cases are in the east wing.
BOWDEN
This has to be the most organized and efficient government organization I've ever seen in my life. I'm having a hard time believing a Russian has anything to do with it. What time is it... GHA! It's only twenty minutes until my Skype audition and we've still got to get through six months of files!
GLORIA
Miss this audition and your agent's gonna mop the floor with you.
BOWDEN
He certainly... wait. Was that humor at the expense of my career?
GLORIA
Oh no. I'm familiar with your career, it doesn't need any additional laughs from me.
BOWDEN
This is no reason to besmirch the collected oeuvre of a life on the stage and screen.
GLORIA
Oh no, am I oeuvre reacting?
BOWDEN
That’s it. Time to prove the value of my craft, yet again! (SOUND: TAP DANCING)I can cover three times the distance with a series of ball flaps as I could by walking. And years of memorizing dialogue have given me speed reading skills rivaling those of the James Michener Book of the Week club!(SOUND: PAGES TURNING)
August... done! No mention of Sokolov! July... done! No mention--
SOUND: DOOR OPENS
TATIANA
Mention of who?
BOWDEN
Of Soko--
GLORIA
Sox Appeal! It's my favorite store and I thought I heard a rumor they were opening one in Des Moines!
TATIANA
I could have sworn your brother said 'Sokolov'.
GLORIA
Oh, good lord no, who?
BOWDEN
I've never heard of Oleg Sokolov!
TATIANA
I never said his first name.
BOWDEN
See? I told you I’d never heard of him.
TATIANA
But I have heard of you, Gloria Kovak!
GLORIA
You have?!
TATIANA
The most overqualified desk worker in EMF history. Were you KGB, you'd have been assigned to the Second Directorate years ago.
GLORIA
Well. I can't say much for your morality or ethics, but your talent scouting is spot on.
TATIANA
And as for you...
BOWDEN
Yes, yes, get it over with--
TATIANA
We have no idea who you are, but if you're with Kovak, you must be EMF.
BOWDEN
Ohhh, you Russkies, always good for a laugh! It's OK, you can say my name. Really. It’s OK.
(BEAT)
You honestly don’t know who I am?
TATIANA
As Tolstoy said, “Nyet”.
BOWDEN
THIS IS INSANE! You know her but not me? She’s just an in--
BOWDEN CATCHES HIMSELF. A LONG PAUSE ENSUES.
GLORIA
Oh, I have never wanted to hear the end of a sentence more.
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION
SKIP GRANGER
Oleg Sokolov. We meet at last.
SOKOLOV
That doesn't quite work, Mister Granger, since I only learned you exist seventy seconds ago.
SKIP GRANGER
It's been a long seventy seconds, believe you me.
SOKOLOV
That is not my fault. In Iowa, seventy seconds is an eternity.
SKIP GRANGER
So why are you in Iowa, Sokolov? Surely it’s not to run a mid-sized American city's parking authority.
SOKOLOV
In Moscow, my job was to elicit fear and compliance from adversaries and underlings alike. To force good and moral people to obey any order, no matter how nonsensical or contradictory to human decency. All of which means that my time at the KGB groomed me perfectly to run a mid-sized American city's parking authority.
SKIP GRANGER
So, wait... you've really left the KGB?
SOKOLOV
Irrevocably.
SKIP GRANGER
But why? What could drive one of the most vicious sociopaths to ever terrorize the intelligence community---no offense, mind you--
SOKOLOV
None taken, I may add that to my Twitter bio.
SKIP GRANGER
What could drive you out of spycraft altogether?
SOKOLOV
Why don't you tell me, Mister Granger? I don't expect you're really here on behalf of the EMF.
SKIP GRANGER
Oh no? What could possibly lead you think that?
SOKOLOV
Because Zelda Anders would never send so ill prepared an operation after me. Not unless she secretly hated the agents assigned and wished to see them all dead.
SKIP GRANGER
I don't suppose you have any other working theories to toss out...
SOKOLOV
I do. I think you might be here for another reason altogether... to become one with the ocean.
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION
OLGA
I won’t ask again, McGrath. Step away from the server.
MACKENZIE
Or what? You've had that gun pointed at me for two minutes. You've clearly been ordered not to harm me.
OLGA
My superiors would understand if I had to... encourage compliance.
MACKENZIE
Now you sound like you work for a parking authority... wait... Oh my god! Behind you!
OLGA
Do you really think I'm going to fall for--
MACKENZIE
I think it's Bob Saget!
OLGA
WHAT! WHERE!
SOUND: A SCUFFLE, ENDING WITH A BAM!, AND THEN OLGA GROANS AS SHE SLIDES TO FLOOR UNCONSCIOUS.
MACKENZIE
Holy cow, they weren't kidding about the Saget thing! I have to find the team...
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION
BOWDEN
One Life To Live, oh-four to oh-six, eight episodes, I played Derek Degrasse, the Dry Cleaning magnate who threatened to blackmail the Buchanan family over their use of off-brand undershirts!
TATIANA
Nope.
BOWDEN
OK, remember the X Files!
TATIANA
Sure!
BOWDEN
I had seven lines in a spinoff pilot that almost got picked up! It was called “Murder He Smoked”!
GLORIA
Bowden, she’s about to kill us, what does it matter that she's unfamiliar with your IMDB page!
BOWDEN
Because, if she doesn't know my career... HI-KEEBA!
SOUND: A KARATE ATTACK LASTING A FEW SECONDS.
BOWDEN
Then she doesn't know my seven lines in "Murder He Smoked" were as Han-Lee-Pho, Kung Fu master!
MACKENZIE
Guys!
BOWDEN
HI-KEEBA!
SOUND: MCGRATH TAKES BOWDEN TO THE GROUND
BOWDEN
OW!
MACKENZIE
Where'd you pick that move up, some late nineties TV fight sequence?
GLORIA
Miss McGrath, our covers are blown!
MACKENZIE
Yep. I'm betting Skip's been found out, too. We have to find him.
SOUND: THE SKYPE JINGLE
MACKENZIE
What’s that?
GLORIA
SIT TIGHT, it’s callback time! We’d better hope Skip can hold out, because the world has to STOP when--
SOUND: BOWDEN REJECTS THE CALL
GLORIA
What are you doing?
BOWDEN
Focusing.
GLORIA
Oh no. Don’t do this just to prove--
BOWDEN
I’m not. Skip needs us, and you’re right. This mission is the biggest chance you’ve had to prove yourself to Zelda. And if I don’t put my own nonsense aside and help you, I’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for--
MACKENZIE
Don’t Bogart the moment, Bowden.
BOWDEN
Right. McGrath, fire up your face printer. I’ve got an idea.
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION
SKIP GRANGER
Become... one with the ocean?
SOKOLOV
Either you know what I’m talking about, in which case, I will let you live. Or you do not, in which case it is time to begin reorganizing extremities.
SKIP GRANGER
Are you talking about... the Oceanologists?
SOKOLOV
Very good, Mister Granger! So you know where they are?
SKIP GRANGER
Um... sure! The... ocean!
SOKOLOV
Excellent. And you know their leader, I presume?
SKIP GRANGER
Ha! Who doesn’t?
SOKOLOV
And his real name is...
SKIP GRANGER
His... name?
SOKOLOV
You may have lucked into naming the Ocean Bureau, Mister Granger. Their nefarious activities are widely suspected by agencies like the EMF. And if I asked you what name their leader goes by, you may luck out even further. But only a true emissary of the Oceanologists would know its leader’s actual name.
(A VERY, VERY LONG PAUSE)
SKIP GRANGER
Billy Ocean?
SOKOLOV
TIME TO REORGANIZE EXTREMITIES!
SKIP GRANGER
Wait! Frank Ocean?! Roger Waters?! Jacques Cousteau! No, he’s dead-- OR IS HE?!?!
SOKOLOV
Who sent you, Granger! Tell me now or face my wrath!
SKIP GRANGER
This isn’t your wrath?!!
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Director! Stop!
SKIP GRANGER
Ellie Mae! Thank you thank you...
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
There is a much better way to break this one.
SOKOLOV
Very well. Agent Granger, I will give Miss Sederstrom the chance to interrogate you. If she fails, however... I
have my methods.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Hear that Skippy-poo? I wouldn't want the Director to have to scar that adorable little face.
SKIP GRANGER
It's not even your face, how do you think I feel about it?
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
But we really, honestly, sincerely need to know who sent you.
SKIP GRANGER
Oh, Ellie Mae. You sweet, innocent, basketball rooting, prairie rose raising, American Goldfinch watching daughter of the Hawkeye State. Why? Why help Sokolov?
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Ha! You wouldn’t understand. You’re an EMF agent. You have no idea what it’s like toiling away, day after mediocre day at some giant bureaucracy, watching others soar past you to glory, all the while waiting for a chance to prove to someone, anyone, that you’re more than just a nameless cog in a soulless machine!
SKIP GRANGER
Some of that may actually sound oddly, vaguely, sort of familiar...
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
The day he arrived was the day we became the great entity I always knew the Des Moines Parking Authority could be. He believes in us! In me! And so I believe in him!
SKIP GRANGER
We’ve more in common than you know, Ellie Mae. But while you may be everything that makes middle America and the Girls of the Big Ten issue great, I will never betray my country, my duty, or my agency to you.
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Not even if I forced you to watch me... refold this road map INCORRECTLY?
SOUND: FOLDING
SKIP GRANGER
YOU MONSTER!
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Oh, they make these original folds so hard to find...
SKIP GRANGER
NO THEY DON’T, IT'S RIGHT THERE, FOLD TOP DOWN, TOP DOWN...
SOUND: FOLDING
SKIP GRANGER
YOU WENT BOTTOM UP! You're a black-hearted fiend from the ninth circle, Sederstrom, and I will see you have your day in court!
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
You won't even be able to find the courthouse...
(SOUND: TEAR)
... cause there it goes!
SKIP GRANGER
YOU'LL NEVER BREAK ME!
SOUND: FOLDING AND TEARING CONTINUES OVER THE FOLLOWING
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
OHHHHH, THAT ONE TORE THE CREASE!
SKIP GRANGER
THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS! THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
HOW WILL WE EVER FIT THIS IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT NOW!
SKIP GRANGER
DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK, SEDERSTROM!
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
NO, MISTER GRANGER, I EXPECT YOU TO CRY!
SOUND: CLICK
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
The lights! Someone's accessed the power controls, probably through the main server.
SOKOLOV
It must be McGrath, Gloria, or the other one.
(SOUND: WALKIE TALKIE)
Security, fan out and--
SECURITY GUY (OVER COMMS)
WE CAN'T! WE'RE GOING INTO LOCKDOWN, CODE OMEGA-RED!
SOUND: ALL COMMUNICATIONS CLICK OFF
SOKOLOV
Omega Red. That can only mean...
SOUND: A WHOOSH
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Someone moved in the shadows!
SOKOLOV
Could you see his face?
ELLIE MAE SEDERSTROM
Barely, it looked like--
SOUND: WHOOSH. WHOOSH.
SOKOLOV
IT'S HIM! BOB SAGET HAS BREACHED THE PERIMETER! ALL UNITS, GO TO GROUND! LOCK DOWN! THE SAGET IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE BUILDING!
SOUND: CLICKS AND MACHINES POWERING DOWN
SKIP GRANGER
Um. Hello? Awful dark in here...
SOUND: MACHINES POWERING BACK UP
MACKENZIE
No worries, Skip. It's just us.
SKIP GRANGER
Dear Lord. Three Bob Sagets.
MACKENZIE
Nope. Just one McGrath...
GLORIA
One Gloria...
BOWDEN
And one Bowden, as well as three perfectly printed Saget disguises.
GLORIA
Fine, Bowden, your idea worked. But don’t think for a minute this means you’re out of the doghouse.
MACKENZIE
Let’s scram. Once they review the security footage and see three Bob Sagets, they might get suspicious.
BOWDEN
Or not. The powers of the Saget are a mystery...
GLORIA (frustrated, tired)
Let’s go! Someone has a mop audition to reschedule...
BOWDEN
Gloria, wait!
SOUND: GLORIA AND BOWDEN HURRY OFF.
SKIP GRANGER
What’s wrong with them?
MACKENZIE
Leave it, Skip. Not even Bob Saget would get in the middle of that.
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
So. You found absolutely no blackmail material on Sokolov.
SKIP GRANGER
But we did prove his identity.
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
He introduced himself.
SKIP GRANGER
In excellent English, I might add.
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
You’re lucky to be in one piece, Granger. I once saw video of Sokolov interrogating a polar bear. He broke that fluffy white throw rug in ten minutes.
SKIP GRANGER
Sokolov was impressive, but...
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
He wasn’t Ellie Mae Sederstrom? She proved a formidable foe. I’ve asked the agency to keep tabs on her.
SKIP GRANGER
I think that’s... wise.
(beat)
Is that all you have for me, Chief?
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
It is.
SKIP GRANGER
Good. Because it’s not all I have for you. This mission. Sending us into the lion’s den with no backup, with mistakes in Bowden’s cover file, with my ridiculous code name--
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Yes, that was unexpected. Our AI that generates cover identities had been unexpectedly exposed to a Dana Carvey movie marathon. We’ve purged ‘Fantastico’, ‘Pistachio Disguisey’, and ‘Garth’ from its database.
SKIP GRANGER
Chief, were you trying to--
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Kill you, Agent Granger?
(beat)
Do you remember the first words I ever said to you, Skip, on your first day at the EMF?
SKIP GRANGER
“How did you get into my office?”
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
After we sorted your security pass.
SKIP GRANGER
“At the EMF, we plan for action. Never reaction.”
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
If I wanted you dead, I wouldn’t leave it up to Sokolov, and you’d never see it coming. Saget is the night.
SKIP GRANGER
So... you don’t want us... dead?
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Not at all, Skip.
SKIP GRANGER
Well. That’s a relief.
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
I just want you out of the field. You and your little band of merry men. And the nanosecond Chet Phillips gets back from whatever Excellent Adventure or Bogus Journey it is that he’s found himself on... that is exactly what I’m going to do.
MUSIC: END CREDITS
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by John Dowgin and directed by J. Michael DeAgenlis. It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders with Kirk White as Chet Phiilips and Kevin McGrath as the Mission Voice. Guest starring Ashley Banks as Ocean Girl, Jill Ivey as Elle Mae Sederstrom, Jackie Sherman as Tatiana, Anne Coleman as Olga, Johnny Goodtimes as Sokolov, Natty Leach as Lt. Valerian and Bob Killion as Security Guy and The Admiral.
Music, sound editing and mixing is by Pete Barry with additional recording by Karen Yang. Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and Instagram @MissionRejected and support us on Patreon at www.patreon.com/missionrejected for bonus audio, exclusive content and more. This has been a Porch Room production, copywrite 2019 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
SOUND: OCEAN SOUNDS, WE'RE BACK ON THE BOAT
THE ADMIRAL
Mister Doe! Good to see you sir!
CHET (still dazed)
People left the boat.
THE ADMIRAL
They did indeed! Tides ebb and flow, but the boat sails on.
CHET
I don't want to leave the boat.
THE ADMIRAL
Of course you don't! And when old passengers leave, new ones arrive! In fact, here comes a new passenger now. Mister Doe, say hello to Lieutenant Valerian.
VALERIAN
Well hello there, Mister Doe.
CHET
He... won't leave the boat?
THE ADMIRAL
You won’t leave, will you, Lieutenant?
VALERIAN
Negative, Admiral.
THE ADMIRAL
Soon we’ll have even more friends on board, Mister Doe. And none of us will ever have to leave the boat. Not ever again. MUAHAHAHA!
MUSIC: END STINGER