Season One, Episode Four: “WEREWOLVES OF WALL STREET”
Transcript
SOUND: CHET PHILLIPS, BREATHING HARD, SCALING A SHEER CLIFF FACE. EAGLES CRY OUT AS THEY SOAR NEARBY.
CHET
Whew. Now that’s a view.
SOUND: SUDDEN FRICTION ON ROPE AND ROCK.
OCEAN GIRL
Hi there handsome!
CHET
Hello, miss! Wow, that’s… impressive rappelling, there.
OCEAN GIRL
Not bad yourself! Free climbing, huh?
CHET
I like to live dangerously.
OCEAN GIRL
Enjoying the island?
CHET
It’s amazing. I was starting to think I’d never want to get off the boat, but this was worth it.
OCEAN GIRL
Want some company?
CHET
Well I usually climb alone, but… I could make an exception for certain people.
SOUND: OCEAN GIRL GIGGLES, CHET LAUGHS, TOO.
SOUND: STARTLING FRICTION ON A ROPE.
ADMIRAL
AFTERNOON!
CHET
JESUS.
OCEAN GIRL
Don’t fall there, sweetie.
ADMIRAL
Nothing like a little exuberant exercise to stiffen the muscles and sharpen the mind, eh, Mister Doe?
CHET
Are you climbing, Admiral, or are you just…dangling?
ADMIRAL
I…seem to have confused my carabiner with my crampon. Help me out, would you Trixie?
OCEAN GIRL
Sure thing, Admiral! We’ll do a little controlled descent. Catch you later, good-looking!
ADMIRAL (fading as he descends)
Enjoy your climb, Mister Doe! Breathe in the ozone! Improve the immunosystem! Inhale the gaseous vitamins of the atmosphere…
OCEAN GIRL (Singing)
And he’s free…free climbing….
CHET
Thanks a lot, old man.
SOUND: A BUZZING.
CHET
What the hell is that – oh come on! Another drone? Can’t you people keep the world in control for five minutes without me?
SOUND: THE DRONE BUZZES.
CHET
I see you, I see you. C’mere. Who knows, maybe this mission’ll be a little…sexier than the last few.
SOUND: CHET OPENS THE DRONE’S COMPARTMENT AND FINDS A RECORDER. HE PRESSES PLAY.
MISSION VOICE
Good afternoon, Mister Phillips. The venture capital firm of Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Damrow and Sherman are suspected of rigging international marketplaces using complex mathematical techniques.
CHET
Wall Street, OK!
MISSION VOICE
Your mission, should use choose to accept it, will require your in-depth knowledge of infiltration techniques –
CHET
Nice.
MISSION VOICE
persuasion –
CHET
Bonjour.
MISSION VOICE
as well as impeccable penmanship and quick transcription skills.
CHET
sww…what?
MISSION VOICE
We suggest endurance training to prevent possible carpal tunnel syndrome, as well as –
SOUND. CLICK.
CHET
You know what, nope. Nope nope nope. I don’t even want to hear the rest, I’m noping right out of “carpal tunnel syndrome”. Look out below!
SOUND: CHET DROPS THE RECORDERS DOWN THE CLIFF. IT BOUNCES OFF ROCKS, AND THEN SOMEONE’S HEAD.
ADMIRAL (FAR BELOW)
OW!
CHET
Ooo, sorry, Admiral!
ADMIRAL (FAR BELOW)
No worries! I am physically immortal!
CHET
Thought it would self-destruct.
MUSIC! THE MISSION: REJECTED THEME SONG.
ANNOUNCER
Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents…the backups. Tonight’s episode…”The Werewolves of Wall Street.”
SOUND: THE READY ROOM. THE DOOR OPENS, SKIP ENTERS.
SKIP
Good morning, everyone. McGrath. Gloria. Gloria? Are you all right?
MACKENZIE
Leave her alone, Skip. You see the copy of Cosmopolitan magazine in her hands? She’s in mourning.
SKIP
What are you talking about?
GLORIA (uncharacteristically glum)
I’ll be there in a moment, Agent Granger, I just…need to finish reading this list of qualities I’ll never acquire.
SKIP
Is she…hungover?
MACKENZIE
She can’t be hungover already, I just gave her the bourbon ten minutes ago.
SKIP
You were DRINKING in my ready room?
GILLIGAN
Agent Granger? (sniff)
SKIP
Oh, yes, hello Mister Gilligan, I’ll introduce you in a second, I apologize for the…whatever this is.
GLORIA
Seven: smile like you mean it. I’ll show you a smile.
SKIP
How much liquor did you give her?
MACKENZIE
I dunno, about…
SOUND: SWISHING OF A LIQUID IN A BOTTLE.
SKIP
THAT’S ALMOST A WHOLE BOTTLE!
GLORIA
I’ll get the slide projector presentation up and running, sir. You won’t ever leave me, will you, Mister Slide Projector?
SKIP
Wait…is this about Bowden leaving?
MACKENZIE
You got killer instincts for a spy, Skip.
SKIP
Gloria, I’m very sorry you’re feeling…lonely…after Bowden’s sudden departure –
MACKENZIE
Nice, Skip.
GLORIA
I’m not lonely. I adopted fourteen cats last night.
SKIP
But we need to start prepping this mission!
GLORIA
OK, I’m on it, Skip.
SKIP
Don’t call me Skip, McGrath!
MACKENZIE
That wasn’t even me!
SKIP
Sorry, McGrath, force of habit.
GILLIGAN
Um (sniff) Agent?
SKIP
Yes! Yes, everyone, I’d like you to meet Stuart Gilligan. He was a Finance Resource Officer for the CIA and is an expert in global economics and trade institutions.
MACKENZIE
Pull up a seat, buddy.
GILLIGAN
Thank you.
MACKENZIE
What was your name again, Mister…?
GILLIGAN
Gilligan. (sniff)
MACKENZIE (giggling)
You got a guy named Gilligan working for you, Skipper?
SKIP
Yes…what? Don’t call me Skipper, that’s worse than Skip.
MACKENZIE
This is gonna be a hard meeting to get through.
SKIP
Gloria?
GLORIA (sighing)
Riiiight.
SOUND: The slide projector starts up
GLORIA
Pictured here you’ll see the Wall Street Headquarters of the hedge fund Sherman Sherman Sherman Damrow and Sherman. Here’s their stupid ugly faces on their files –
MACKENZIE
Which one’s Sherman?
GLORIA
This one.
MACKENZIE
And which one’s Sherman?
SKIP
McGrath.
GLORIA
This one is also Sherman. Any other questions?
MACKENZIE
Yeees, which one is…um…Sherman?
SKIP
MCGRATH.
MACKENZIE
Which one’s Damrow?
GLORIA
This woman here, with the makeup and the perfect stupid coiffure.
GILLIGAN
Actually (sniff) Ms. Damrow just married and took her husband’s name.
MACKENZIE
Which is?
GILLIGAN (sniff)
Sherman.
MACKENZIE
One of those Shermans?
GILLIGAN (sniff)
Yes.
MACKENZIE
Which Sherman?
SKIP
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MCGRATH.
GLORIA (dejected)
I’ll bet she had one of those super gaudy weddings with the vodka luges.
MACKENZIE
You got a cold, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN (too anxious)
(sniff) What? (sniff) Oh! (sniff) No! It’s allergies. Excuse me, let me just get my nasal spray.
SOUND: GILLIGAN USES HIS NASAL SPRAY.
GILLIGAN
OOOOO. OK, that’s…
(trills his lips)
Wow. That’s better. (sniff)
MACKENZIE
You OK there, little buddy?
GILLIGAN
AMAZING.
MACKENZIE
Your little buddy’s OK, Skipper.
SKIP
He’s a highly trained analyst, he is not my “little buddy”!
GILLIGAN (humble again)
I’m sorry. Where were we?
MACKENZIE
Uhhhh…Sherman?
SKIP
THE POINT IS. What’s the point, Gloria?
GLORIA
They’re doing some shady financial crap that’ll probably ruin the global economy or something.
GILLIGAN
It’s actually (sniff) a bit more involved than that, you see –
SOUND: GILLIGAN STUMBLES UP TO THE POWER POINT.
MACKENZIE
You OK there, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
Yes, oh, thank you –
MACKENZIE
Keep Gilligan under control, Skipper.
SKIP
That’s Skip, I mean, that’s Agent Skipper, I mean that’s Agent Granger!
MACKENZIE
Excuse me, Skipper, I’m trying to listen to Gilligan now.
GILLIGAN
It’s actually, um, this, Mister Sherman and and Ms. nee-Damrow that we’re concerned about.
MACKENZIE
So, the millionaire, and his wife?
GILLIGAN
Well (sniff) yes.
SKIP
All right, McGrath, whatever this little inside joke is, can you please just let it go?
MACKENZIE
I’m seriously trying.
GLORIA (singing to herself)
Once you have found her, never let her go…
GILLIGAN
You see, I was sent (sniff) to meet with the Shermans, to investigate how they seem to predict market turbulence so (sniff) exactly.
SKIP
They let you inspect their books?
GILLIGAN
Well (sniff) yes, they showed me their whole operation.
SKIP
You saw everything?
GILLIGAN
They gave me a three-hour tour.
MACKENZIE
You have no idea how hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut right now.
SKIP
And yet! Your analysis, Mister Gilligan, shows they may, in fact be causing market crashes with mathematically-precise trades.
GILLIGAN
That’s correct.
GLORIA
And how on earth are they able to do such a thing?
SKIP
We believe they are employing this woman.
SOUND: CLICK CLICK.
GILLIGAN
Oh, my, really?
MACKENZIE
You know who that is?
GILLIGAN
Oh, my, yes, she’s (sniff) Cassandra Helsinki (sniff) uh, she’s, well, my, (sniff) she’s one of the greatest mathematical (sniff) minds (sniff) – excuse me.
SOUND: GILLIGAN INHALES HIS NASAL SPRAY.
GILLIGAN
OH YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF.
MACKENZIE
Um…what’s in that bottle, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
IT’S ANTI-ALLERGY MEDICINE IT’S NOTHING I’M FINE.
MACKENZIE
Yeah?
GILLIGAN
I’M FANTASTIC. Anyway. Cassandra Helsinki was a wunderkind at NASA, SETI – deep space refraction telescopes – wild stuff, you know?
MACKENZIE
Go girl.
GILLIGAN
She got hoovered up by Wall Street for a tidy sum – but she hasn’t been seen in five years.
GLORIA
She’s probably at home with a gallon of ice cream.
SKIP
Well, the Shermans have her now.
GLORIA
I should be at home with a gallon of ice cream.
SKIP
Gloria?
GLORIA
Riiight. Sherman, et al, have been keeping Ms. Helsinki in what they call the “Black Box” – it’s an office sealed off from EM signals, soundproofed – no way of tapping in or spying on it in any way.
SKIP
There, Ms. Helsinki, using her own predictive techniques, hacks the market and finds ways to disrupt it.
MACKENZIE
So we’re gonna hack it, and steal her system so we can stop the Shermans from crashing the market.
SKIP
Yes, McGrath.
GILLIGAN
Nice!
SOUND: TAPPING.
MACKENZIE
I’m on it. Gimme ten minutes.
SKIP
Have you been listening to anything I’ve said, McGrath?
MACKENZIE (singing to herself)
“…if not for the courage of the fearless crew…”
SKIP
McGrath! Don’t bother. Helsinki’s systems aren’t on any network.
MACKENZIE
Well, that…that just gives me the shudders.
GILLIGAN
It’s a smart move, unhackable.
GLORIA
That’s me, a financial computer in a black box.
MACKENZIE
So…ah wait I got it! We’re gonna sneak in and take it.
SKIP
Yes yes, very good, McGrath.
MACKENZIE
“Not paying attention.” Dude, how much do you weigh?
GILLIGAN
(sniff) Who’s asking, darling?
MACKENZIE
You’re five-two and a hundred pounds soaking wet, you might want to…moderate your dosage, there.
GILLIGAN
Want some?
MACKENZIE
No thanks…I try to stay away from…
GILLIGAN
It’ll put hair on your chest.
MACKENZIE
…allergy medicine.
SKIP
Listen up! Each day, the company sends a messenger in with the latest market data, and Cassandra sends them out with the information they want.
MACKENZIE
On a flash drive! So we get –
SKIP
No.
MACKENZIE
No?
SKIP
The messenger goes in with the Wall Street Journal, and comes out with hand-written instructions.
MACKENZIE
But…her system has a flash drive?
SKIP
Our sources say it’s specifically engineered to have no access ports.
MACKENZIE
We knock her out and take the computer!
SKIP
The memory racks are the size of this room.
MACKENZIE
Screen shots! Snap a picture!
SKIP
Foreign electronic devices will set off alarms. And her monitor screens are made of special anti-photographic material. No pictures.
MACKENZIE
So…wait. How are we gonna get this information out?
SKIP
Hand-copying.
MACKENZIE
Hand…what?
SKIP
The information is just a spreadsheet. We’ll smuggle someone into the room through the one weak spot: the ventilation system.
MACKENZIE
How many cells?
SKIP
About two thousand.
MACKENZIE
TWO THOUSAND! BY HAND? Who’s gonna do that?
SKIP
You are.
MACKENZIE
I CHOOSE PRISON.
SKIP
You’re the only person who can hack her interface. We’ll get you into the room, and you’ll copy down the information.
MACKENZIE
Jesus Christ. And how do I get into this impenetrable room?
SKIP
We’ll drop you in a harness through the air-ducts.
MACKENZIE
How long will she be out of the room?
SKIP
…well…
GLORIA
She never leaves the room.
MACKENZIE
She’s gonna be IN THE ROOM?
GLORIA
Never leaves the room, with blankets on the couch, that sounds amazing.
GILLIGAN
They deliver her anything she wants. That’s luxury, huh? (sniiiiff) OOOOO.
MACKENZIE
You’re gonna dangle me in through the air vent, while she’s in the room – how big is this room?
GILLIGAN
It’s a nice-sized suite. Lots of leg room, you can splay out on the bed, so niiiice –
MACKENZIE
Gilligan, stop snorting your cocaine and help me out here!
GILLIGAN
It’s ALLERGY MEDICATION!
MACKENZIE
How is she not gonna see me?
SKIP
We’ll be intercepting and duplicating the messenger for the day. The duplicate will engage her in conversation in the forechamber –
MACKENZIE
HOW LONG A CONVERSATION?
SKIP
While you work your magic in the back, McGrath.
GILLIGAN
That’s right, do that magic in the BACK.
SKIP
Gilligan, you’ll be onsite to confirm the formulas as McGrath copies them.
GILLIGAN (rapping)
In the BACK. In the BACK.
SKIP
Questions?
MACKENZIE
Well, as Gloria has so emotionally intimated, we don’t have an actor.
GLORIA
That’s right. Where’s my actor, God?
MACKENZIE
So you can forget this stupid plan, cause I can print this dude’s face, but we don’t have anyone to wear it.
SKIP
I’ll be handling that skill set for this mission.
SOUND: LOUD GUFFAWS FROM MCGRATH.
SKIP
What?
MACKENZIE
You are gonna impersonate somebody? And stall this recluse for hours while I copy formulas? My life is in your hands?
SKIP
I am fully trained in the arts of misdirection and impersonation, McGrath.
MACKENZIE
Hey Gloria? Remember the other day he tried to convince me that he hadn’t eaten the last donut?
SKIP
OK, now, that wasn’t a situation I felt the need to fully commit to –
MACKENZIE
He was like,
(half-decent Skip impression)
“What donuts?”
SKIP
I reined it in.
MACKENZIE
He was like, (again with the impression) “There never were donuts.” I think he might have tried a Jedi hand-wave.
SKIP
Stop that.
MACKENZIE (as Skip)
“Stop what?”
SKIP
Stop talking like that that’s not how my voice sounds!
MACKENZIE (still Skip)
“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”
SKIP
We’re not going to have the intel on the messenger beforehand. We’ll have to intercept him en route and print the face when we get there.
GILLIGAN
I have to ask – can I see the face printer?
MACKENZIE
Here, Gilligan, knock yourself out.
GILLIGAN
YES.
SOUND: GILLIGAN PRINTS OUT A FACE.
MACKENZIE
Are you printing your own face?
GILLIGAN
Oh, YEAH, Look at that HANDSOME DEVIL.
SOUND: A HUGE AMOUNT OF SNORTING.
MACKENZIE
We’re gonna all get shot.
MUSIC: INTERIM MUSIC.
SOUND: THE TEAM SCRUNCHES TOGETHER INSIDE THE AIR VENT DIRECTLY ABOVE THE “BLACK BOX”.
GLORIA
Ow!
GILLIGAN
Sorry!
MACKENZIE
Gilligan get your ass out of my face!
GLORIA
Where’s Agent Granger?
MACKENZIE
I dunno but he better be here soon before I lose my mind. It’s way too tight a squeeze in this air vent.
SOUND: SKIP PUSHES HIS WAY INTO THE AIR VENT.
GLORIA
Hey!
MACKENZIE
AAH!
SKIP
Excuse me.
GILLIGAN
Ouch! (sniff)
MACKENZIE
Jesus Skip there’s no room in here!
SKIP
I intercepted the messenger.
MACKENZIE
Great. How?
SKIP
I paid off his Uber driver, it’ll take him five hours to get here.
MACKENZIE
You better hope I can copy these formulas down in five hours.
SKIP
Here’s his picture, McGrath. Print my face.
MACKENZIE
I’ll pound your face.
SKIP
What’d you say?
MACKENZIE
Hang on.
GLORIA
Agent!
SKIP
Sorry! Sorry. Wait what’s this?
GILLIGAN
That’s my nose.
SKIP
Oh, aah! OK. Um.
MACKENZIE
Don’t wipe it on me, Skip, gross!
SKIP
What’s taking so long, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Something’s wrong. Wait, Gilligan, what did you do?
GILLIGAN
What do you mean?
MACKENZIE
You were the last person to touch this, you totally messed up my interface!
GILLIGAN
I, uh, I’m sorry –
SKIP
McGrath! I have to walk past that security agent in the next sixty seconds!
MACKENZIE
Relax, Skip! C’mon c’mon c’mon –
SOUND: THE FACE PRINTS.
MACKENZIE
Got it.
GLORIA
Aah! It’s printing out on me!
MACKENZIE
Here, move.
SKIP
Ouch!
GILLIGAN
Uh…
MACKENZIE
Just, move, here, OK!
SKIP
All right I’ve got it. Let me just get it on.
SOUND: ANOTHER ROUND OF GROANS AND SQUINCHES AS THEY SHUFFLE TO GIVE SKIP ROOM TO APPLY THE MASK.
SKIP
How do I look?
MACKENZIE
I can barely see!
SKIP
Right. Let’s go, team.
SOUND: EVERYONE BREATHES A LITTLE EASIER AS SKIP LEAVES THE AIR VENT.
GLORIA
Mackenzie, do we have audio and video yet?
MACKENZIE
Hang on, hang on. They really sealed this place up tight, I gotta push this little guy through the vent, here. C’mon…
GILLIGAN
This is, uh, a little (sniff) nerve-wracking, maybe I’ll (sniff) just take a little allergy medication –
MACKENZIE
DON’T TOUCH THAT STUFF, GILLIGAN.
GILLIGAN
Yes ma’am. (sniff)
MACKENZIE
Go to rehab, man. OK! The bug’s in place. Turn on the monitor.
SOUND: THEY CAN HEAR SOMEONE TYPING AWAY IN THE BLACK BOX. THE AUDIO TAP OF THE ROOM ISN’T TOP QUALITY – A LOT OF HISS, DISTINGUISHABLE FROM THE AIR VENT TALK.
SOUND: IN THE BLACK BOX: KNOCK KNOCK.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Yo!
SECURITY GUY (AUDIO TAP, OUTSIDE DOOR)
The guy from Sherman Sherman and Sherman is here.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Yup! Let him in!
MACKENZIE
Here goes nothing.
SOUND: AUDIO TAP – THE DOOR OPENS, AND SKIP ENTERS.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
You’re new.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
(even stiffer than usual) Harold H. Perchance, Ms. Helsinki. Allow me to show you my clearance –
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Clearance? What are you, a cop?
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Cop? What? I –
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Relax, Harry, I’m just messing with you. I know you Sherman employees are stiffs, but man, you really got a stick up your butt.
MACKENZIE
That’s not an act, sister.
GLORIA
Shhh.
GILLIGAN
(sniff)
GLORIA
Oh, blow your nose, Stuart!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Take a load off, Harry, I’ll get the numbers.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Thank you, ma’am.
MACKENZIE
God, Skip, you’re so bad at this.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
You want a Coke or something?
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
I’m fine, thank you.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Whatever. Let me get this together here –
SOUND: AUDIO TAP: CASSANDRA TYPES. SILENCE.
SOUND: GILLIGAN BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY.
MACKENZIE
JESUS CHRIST GILLIGAN.
GILLIGAN
I’m sorry! I just –
MACKENZIE
I gotta open this vent in a couple seconds and drop into that room without anyone seeing or hearing me, so for the love of God, BE QUIET.
GILLIGAN
Yes. (sniff)
MACKENZIE
I’m gonna tear your nose off Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
If I could, uh (sniff), just use my medication –
GLORIA
Shut up, Stuart!
MACKENZIE
I’m gonna go down there and flash these stupid formulas at the camera, all you gotta do is make sure they’re right. Got me?
GILLIGAN
Yes, uh, (sniff), I got you.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
OK man, here’s your numbers. Smell ya later.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Actually, may I HAVE that Coke?
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Sure. Hang on.
SOUND: AUDIO TAP – CASSANDRA ROOTS AROUND IN A REFRIGERATOR.
GLORIA
Go, Mackenzie! I’ve got the harness!
MACKENZIE
Gilligan, whatever you do, DON’T SNIFF.
SOUND: A WHIRR AS THEY UNSCREW THE VENT PLATING.
SOUND: A SLIGHT HISS AS MACKENZIE RAPPELS DOWN ON HER HARNESS INTO THE ROOM.
SOUND: A WHIRR AS THEY REPLACE THE PLATING.
GLORIA
OK you can sniff now.
GILLIGAN
(SNIIIIIFFF)
GLORIA
You need to see an ENT, Stuart.
GILLIGAN
I, well, uh, yes.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Here ya go dude, we got Coke, Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Coke Negative, what’s your poison?
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Diet, thank YOU.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Bad choice, man.
SOUND: AUDIO TAP – SKIP POPS THE TOP OFF THE COKE.
GILLIGAN
Is (sniff) Ms. McGrath in position?
GLORIA
She’s behind the desk with a perfect view of the monitor, and blocked from the others. She’s got out the pen and paper. So far, so good.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
What’s WRONG with Diet Coke?
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Aspartame, man.
GILLIGAN
(sniiff)
GLORIA
Stuart!
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Well, a can contains about one hundred and eighty milligrams of aspartame, which isn’t enough to cause deleterious side effects –
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
That stuff has a chemical signature that shows up on satellite scans. We’re invisible in here, but walk out that door and they’ll know.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
I…I guess I’ll take my chances.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Your funeral. That’s why I live in here. Soundproof, radio-proof, bulletproof. Nobody spies on me.
SOUND: THE BEGINNING HISS OF THE PRINTER – IT SOUNDS JUST ENOUGH LIKE A SNIFF THAT –
GLORIA
Stuart get a tissue!
GILLIGAN
That wasn’t –
GLORIA
What the – did you touch that?
GILLIGAN
No!
GLORIA
It’s printing the messenger’s face again.
SOUND: IT FINISHES.
GILLIGAN
What do I, uh (sniff) do with this?
GLORIA
Just shove it in the corner.
GILLIGAN
But –
GLORIA
Quiet, Stuart!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Siddown man, take a load off. I know they’re are always watching you like a hawk, take a moment to relax.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
What makes you think someone’s watching me?
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Uh, cause they’re watching everybody?
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Who?
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Well. I’m gonna need my own drink before we go down that rabbit-hole. Something stronger.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
By all means.
SOUND: THE PRINTER PRINTS AGAIN.
GLORIA
Stuart! Did you touch it again?
GILLIGAN
I didn’t!
GLORIA
It’s so loud –
GILLIGAN
Uh, Gloria? (sniff?) Ms. McGrath is signaling you.
GLORIA
What? What is she…? Why is she waving the pen at us?
GILLIGAN
I think (sniff), um, her pen may be out of ink.
GLORIA
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
GILLIGAN
This is terrible.
GLORIA
We have to get her another pen!
GILLIGAN
Here, use mine! (sniff)
GLORIA
OK, OK. I’m just going to open the vent and toss it down there. Don’t breathe.
SOUND: THE VENT OPENS AND CLOSES.
GILLIGAN
She’s got it!
GLORIA
Thank God.
SOUND: THE PRINTER PRINTS TWO MORE MASKS.
GILLIGAN
Ooh! Ah. It’s printing on me.
GLORIA
Shut up, Stuart!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
This is my drink of choice. Pure melted Antarctic ice sample. All other water on earth has been treated.
SOUND: SHE DRINKS. AHHHH.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Here. Take a taste.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Oh, thank you.
(sipping his water)
Ahh. Wow. Pure as mountain snow, huh?
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Actually penguins shit all over it.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Oh.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
You strain it, though, it’s fine.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Mm hm.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
The people who bottle this gotta sneak it right out under their noses.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Right. Again, uh…who are they?
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
…Zerox.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Xerox…the photocopier?
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Zerox with a “Z”. The alien invader.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
I see.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Zerox is trapped under the Antarctic ice shelf but they have shapeshifting servants everywhere.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Now that you’ve mentioned it, I am getting a little of that…penguin aftertaste –
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
The aliens wait until you’re vulnerable, then they snatch you up and harvest your organs. That’s why I took this gig. They’ll never find me in here.
GILLIGAN
Gloria? (sniff)
GLORIA
What now?
GILLIGAN
Uh, Ms. McGrath is waving my pen, too.
GLORIA
What? Didn’t you check that pen, Stuart?
GILLIGAN
I, well, (sniff), no.
GLORIA
Oh, jeez.
SOUND: SHE SEARCHES AROUND.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Want some more water?
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Oh, no thank you.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Cool. Well, I guess we’re done –
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
I mean yes thank you.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Awesome. You’re a character, Perchance. It’s good to have a drinking buddy.
GLORIA
Got one! OK. Same thing, open the vent quick, dump it in.
GILLIGAN
Ready. (sniff)
GLORIA
One. Two. Three.
SOUND: THEY OPEN THE VENT, AND JUST AS THEY DO, THE PRINTER PRINTS AGAIN.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Whoa. What was that noise?
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Uhhhhh what noise?
GLORIA
Oh no! They heard us!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
You didn’t hear that?
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
I, don’t, believe, so.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Who’s back there?
GLORIA
Oh no she’s moving back towards the desk! She’s going to find MacKenzie!
GILLIGAN
Uh (sniff) I hate to mention it but one of the masks fell down there, too.
GLORIA
Where?
GILLIGAN
Right on top of Ms. McGrath.
GLORIA
Oh jeez!
GILLIGAN
I’m sorry this is too overwhelming.
GLORIA
What are you STUART DON’T!
GILLIGAN
SNIIIIIIIFFFFF
GLORIA
Give me that!
GILLIGAN
NO WAY I NEED IT.
SOUND: WHILE GLORIA AND STUART SCUFFLE OVER THE NASAL SPRAY, CASSANDRA STALKS BACK TOWARDS THE VENT AND THE DESK.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Uh…Ms. Helsinki! I wouldn’t go back there if I were you!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Is there someone in here?
(whispering)
Harry I think there’s someone behind my desk.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
No need to – no I don’t think you need that baseball bat!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Listen up, whoever’s back there! I was the home run derby queen of Forks, Pennsylvania!
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Maybe I should check first!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
I got it, Harry.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Wait –
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
YAAH…AAAAAH!
GLORIA
WAIT STUART OH MY GOODNESS WHAT’S HAPPENING?
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Harry?
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
(doing her Skip impersonation)
Yup, nothing back here.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
But –
SOUND: SKIP MAKES A TINY “WHOOP!” SOUND AS HE HIDES, AND CASSANDRA TURNS.
GILLIGAN
What the hell’s happening?
GLORIA
MacKenzie put on the second mask, and Agent Granger is hiding behind the curtain in the forechamber!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
How did you…get over here so fast?
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
(still Skip)
I…have mastered the art of slipping across a room completely unnoticed! I wanted to surprise the intruder, who, as you can see, doesn’t actually exist!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
WHOA. Do it again.
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Uhhhh –
SOUND: CASSANDRA RUNS ACROSS THE ROOM, AND SKIP LEAPS OUT AS MACKENZIE DUCKS DOWN.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Ahah!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
That’s unreal.
GILLIGAN
Now what’s happening?
GLORIA
They switched back, now MacKenzie’s hiding behind the desk again!
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Like I said, it’s a…rare ability –
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
I wanna see you do it again.
GLORIA
Oh God!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
I’ll race you back to the desk!
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Uh OK –
SOUND: THEY SWITCH PLACES AGAIN.
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Presto!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Wait why are you wearing different clothes when you’re behind the desk?
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
That’s…part of the training!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
And…something’s different?
GLORIA
She’s figuring it out!
GILLIGAN
Skip’s running out the door!
GLORIA
What?
SOUND: SLAM.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
OK, what the actual Fox Mulder?
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
I also slam doors! At a distance! Spooky!
GILLIGAN
I can’t take this I need another hit.
GLORIA
Stuart no! Don’t!
GILLIGAN (singing)
“The best part of waking up…” (SNIIFFF)
GLORIA
Give me that!
SOUND: ANOTHER SCUFFLE. THE PRINTER STARTS PRINTING, AND NOW IT WON’T STOP.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
You’re…shorter.
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Not at all! It’s, um…the clothes make me look shorter!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
What kinda weirdo are you, Perchance? Are you…wait!
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Nope! Nope to whatever you’re thinking, it’s not that!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Hold still.
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
No need to wave that baseball bat at me, ma’am!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
AAAAAH!
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
AAAHHH!
SOUND: CASSANDRA SWINGS THE BAT, BREAKING SHIT. CASSANDRA AND MACKENZIE CONTINUE TO AD-LIB (”PUT THE BAT DOWN!” “YAAH!”)
SOUND: SKIP SQUINCHES BACK INTO THE VENT SPACE.
SKIP
Gloria what the heck is going on?
GLORIA
Mackenzie’s trapped!
SKIP
Crap!
GLORIA
And Helsinki’s about to figure it out!
SKIP
Crap!
GLORIA
And the printer won’t stop!
SKIP
Wait, what? AAH!
GLORIA
And Stuart won’t stop snorting allergy medication!
GILLIGAN
It’s not allergy – oh wait I mean yes it is.
SKIP
Gilligan knock it off!
GILLIGAN
Aye-aye, Skipper!
SKIP
Mackenzie can’t keep up this charade, she’s not trained!
GLORIA
What do we do?
GILLIGAN
I’ll save her! Give me a mask!
SKIP
What – Gilligan!
SOUND: GILLIGAN SLAPS ON A MASK AND LEAPS OUT OF THE VENT SPACE, SLAMMING THE HATCH BEHIND HIM.
SKIP
Gilligan you’re too short that mask doesn’t even fit you!
GLORIA
Go after him, Agent Granger!
SKIP
I can’t, he jammed the access panel!
GLORIA
Wait – we can’t get out?
SKIP
Gloria, can you please stop that printer?
GLORIA
I can’t!
SKIP
It’s filling up the whole vent with faces!
GLORIA
It sounds like the Legend of Zelda being force fed into a steam cleaner!
SKIP
What do we do?
GLORIA
Hold your breath!
SKIP
I can’t ummumummm!
SOUND: THEY STRUGGLE TO BREATHE AS THE PRINTER BURIES THEM IN FAKE FACES. CASSANDRA CONTINUES TO STALK MACKENZIE AROUND THE ROOM.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Stay put you little alien sympathizer!
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Not an alien sympathizer! Just a regular Joe, working for Sherman Sherman Sherman and –
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Something’s not right about you, Perchance. You were sent by Zerox, weren’t you?
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
I’m not working for Zerox!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Who else would teach you to disappear and shrink and –
SOUND: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
WHO’S THAT?
SECURITY GUY (AUDIO TAP)
He’s back, ma’am.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Who?
SECURITY GUY (AUDIO TAP)
Mister Perchance.
GILLIGAN (AUDIO TAP)
It’s me Harry!
MACKENZIE
Uhhh…
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX MULDER IS GOING ON?
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
I can throw my voice, too! And now I’m disappearing and reappearing outside the door!
SOUND: MACKENZIE WHOOPS, AND A THUD.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
YOU DIDN’T DISAPPEAR YOU JUST JUMPED DOWN BEHIND MY DESK AND YOU WERE ALREADY OUTSIDE.
SOUND: THE FACE PRINTER CAN BE HEARD WHIRRING FAINTLY, BUT IT INCREASES IN VOLUME THROUGHOUT
SECURITY GUY
What’s that noise? Is there someone having a party upstairs?
GILLIGAN (AUDIO TAP)
Coming in!
SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS. CASANDRA SCREAMS.
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT.
GILLIGAN (AUDIO TAP)
It’s me! Harry! Got any Diet Coke? Or something stronger?
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
What the hell is wrong with your face it’s like coming off!
GILLIGAN (AUDIO TAP)
I cut myself shaving and you only just now noticed!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
You’re also like a foot shorter OH MY GOD YOU’RE ONE OF THEM!
SECURITY GUY (AUDIO TAP)
C’mere, you!
GILLIGAN (AUDIO TAP)
Hands off, narc!
SOUND: GILLIGAN STARTS PUMMELING THE SECURITY GUARD.
SECURITY GUY (AUDIO TAP)
Ugh! He’s like, on PCP or something!
GILLIGAN (AUDIO TAP)
IT’S ALLERGY MEDICATION
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
He’s an alien clone! They’re here to harvest us and clone our body parts!
GILLIGAN (AUDIO TAP)
Of course not that’s ridiculous!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Then who’s this back here AAAAHHH!
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
OK let’s all keep calm!
SECURITY (AUDIO TAP)
There’s two of them!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Clones, I told you!
SOUND: THE VENT BEGINS TO BULGE AS IT FILLS UP WITH THE PRINTED MASKS
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
We’re twin brothers!
CASSANDRA (AUDIO TAP)
Shut the hell up!
SOUND: THE VENT STARTS TO GIVE OUT
SECURITY GUY
Does anyone else hear that?
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Look we’re not aliens and we certainly don’t have any cloned body parts!
SOUND: THE ENTIRE CEILING COLLAPSES, DROPPING SKIP, GLORIA, AND TEN THOUSAND PRINTED HUMAN FACES INTO THE ROOM.
CASSANDRA
AAAAAAAAHHH THE CEILING!
SKIP
Owwww! OK, keep calm!
MACKENZIE
Jesus Christ how many faces did you print, Gloria?
SKIP
That’s gonna leave a mark.
CASSANDRA
ALIEN CLONED FACES ALL OVER ME THEY’RE ALL LOOKING AT ME STOP LOOKING AT ME
SOUND: GLASS SHATTERING AND A POOF!
MACKENZIE
Ah jeez Gilligan your bottle exploded!
SKIP
Dammit it got up my nose!
CASSANDRA
OH GOD! It’s a white powdery cloud of alien spores all over me!
SKIP, GLORIA, MACKENZIE AND GILLIGAN
IT’S ALLERGY MEDICATION!!
SKIP
Abort mission!
MACKENZIE
Uh sure right BACK TO THE MOTHERSHIP, COMRADES!
CASSANDRA
I KNEW IT
SOUND: EVERYONE FLEES THE ROOM, LEAVING THE DAZED SECURITY GUARD AND CASSANDRA BEHIND.
SECURITY GUY (struggling to breathe)
Are you OK, ma’am?
CASSANDRA
I QUIT I’M GOING SOMEPLACE THEY’LL NEVER FIND ME!
SECURITY GUY
Ms. Helsinki! Wait! (Coughs violently)
SOUND: CASSANDRA FLEES, SCREAMING
MUSIC: TRANSITION
SOUND: THE READY ROOM
ANDERS
So I’ve read your report, Agent –
SKIP
Mm hm. Mh hm.
ANDERS
and I’m trying to understand –
SKIP
Mm hm.
ANDERS
how –
SKIP
Mm hm.
ANDERS
Are you all right Agent?
SKIP
Mm hm. Yep yep yep.
ANDERS
Because you seem…energetic.
SKIP
I get energized after a good mission.
ANDERS
It was a complete failure.
SKIP
Nervous energy, then, mm hm.
ANDERS
Agent if I were to give you a drug test right now, would you pass?
SKIP
I don’t see how that would be of any benefit to anyone. (sniff)
ANDERS
Uh huh.
SKIP
Mm hm.
ANDERS
Agent, you failed to copy the formulas we sent you to recover –
SKIP
That I blame on faulty pens.
ANDERS
and caused the target to flee her job and run through the streets of New York City screaming about extraterrestrials coming to harvest people’s faces.
SKIP
That I blame on Agent Gilligan’s allergy medication. (sniff)
ANDERS
You caused a woman to have a mental breakdown, Skip.
SKIP
Mm hm.
ANDERS
With these last few missions, You’re pretty close to making me have a mental breakdown.
SKIP
Mm hm. (sniff)
ANDERS
What would you recommend I do with an agent like that, Granger?
SKIP
Well. I’d give them an assignment suitable to their talents.
ANDERS
To cause mental breakdowns?
SKIP
Yes.
ANDERS
…I may have just the thing. Oh Agent?
SKIP
Mm hm? (sniff)
ANDERS
Get yourself a box of tissues.
MUSIC: END CREDITS
(As the end credits are read, Skip continues to say “Yup” and “Mmmhmmm”)
ANNOUNCER
Mission Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by Pete Barry. It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as the Mission Voice.
Guest starring were Ashley Banks as the Ocean Girl, Josh Schwartz as Stuart Gilligan, Jill Ivey as Cassandra Helsinki and Bob Killion as The Admiral and Security Guy.
Music, sound editing and mixing are by Pete Barry.
Like us on Facebook, follow us on Instagram and Twitter @Mission Rejected and support us on Patreon at www.patreon.com/missionrejected for exclusive content, bonus audio and more. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2019 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
SOUND: GENTLE OCEAN WAVES LAP THE SHORE. SOMEONE’S CRACKING A COCONUT AGAINST A ROCK.
CASSANDRA
Yeah. They’ll never find me here on this uncharted desert isle. How do get these coconuts open? Oh, there we go.
SOUND: SHE SCRIBBLES SOME NOTES ON A PAD
CASSANDRA
Agenda item nine: build coconut harvester out of coconuts.
SOUND: A TREMENDOUS CRASH!
CASSANDRA
HOLY PLANE CRASH BATMAN.
(beat)
Dammit! Did somebody seriously just crash land on my uncharted island?
SOUND: CONFUSED VOICES APPROACHING CASSANDRA
CASSANDRA
No no no, this is my island, jerkoffs! My beach, my coconuts! You go find your own!
SOUND: THE MUMBLING GETS CLOSER
GLOBETROTTER
Is this an uncharted desert isle?
CASSANDRA
Whoa. Aren’t you guys the Harlem Globetrotters?
MUSIC: END STINGER
SKIP
Mmmhmmm!