Season One, Episode Two: “THE CON IS ON”
Transcript
SOUND: SEAGULLS, ISLAND MUSIC, OCEAN WAVES.
CHET PHILLIPS
Man oh man oh man. This cruise is just what that ol’ Chet-inator needed.
OCEAN GIRL
Excuse me, Mister Doe? John Doe?
CHET PHILLIPS
Oh, right-- What can I do you for?
OCEAN GIRL
The Admiral asked me to bring you this insanely small recording device. It was delivered to the ship this morning by drone.
CHET PHILLIPS
Ah, darn it. The office just won’t leave me alone, know how it is?
OCEAN GIRL
I don’t know. The ocean is my office. The open water is my cubicle, the currents are my middle managers, and every swimming soul from the blue whale to the narwhal is my co-worker.
CHET PHILLIPS
You are one spooky chick.
OCEAN GIRL
How are you enjoying your cruise?
CHET PHILLIPS
We’re out of mimosas, but otherwise? Peachy.
OCEAN GIRL
More mimosas coming right up!
CHET PHILLIPS
I love it here. Should probably see what this recording is, though...
SOUND: CLICK.
MISSION VOICE
Good morning, Chet. The woman in this picture is Hannah Brandt, better known to the European underworld as ‘Die Geliebte Des Geldes’: the Mistress of Money. Over the past decade, Brandt has masterminded the transfer of millions of Euros, Kroner, Leks, and Francs into US Dollars on behalf of crime syndicates and terrorist organizations. Last week, she was spotted at the Frankfurt Comic Book Convention passing documents to famous comics writer Marcus Ellsbury. Ellsbury will attend the Asbury Park Comic Fest in New Jersey this weekend. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to locate Ellsbury at this festival and ascertain precisely what Brandt gave--
SOUND: CLICK.
CHET PHILLIPS
A comic book convention? In Jersey? I'm Chet Phillips! I'm a buff Jason Bourne-movie Matt Damon, not a chunky Kevin Smith-movie Matt Damon! Worst. Mission. Ever. Pass.
SOUND: THE THEME SONG
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected! The story of the world’s most secret agents…the backups. Tonight’s episode…The Con is On!
SOUND: SKIP GRUNTING AND STRAINING WITH SOMETHING
SKIP GRANGER
Man... come on, why won't this hike up over my... Gloria!?
GLORIA (over intercom)
Yes, Agent Granger?
SKIP GRANGER
I need you to do something for me.
GLORIA
Ooh! Is this a test?
SKIP GRANGER
Yes! A super secret spycraft sneaking test! I need you to come in to my office, but never look at me!
GLORIA
Mission accepted! Wait, this isn't like that Sandra Bullock movie, is it?
SKIP GRANGER
Decidedly not.
SOUND: DOOR OPENS
GLORIA
OK, mission protocol activated! Eyes shut, I’m moving in on the target...
SKIP GRANGER
Good Gloria, good...
GLORIA
Wow. This is harder than it looks...
SKIP GRANGER
I'm going to hand you a box. I need you to bring it to Tyrone in requisitions. He sent me the wrong package, but I'm not in any position to go down there myself.
GLORIA
Where is...
SKIP GRANGER
I'm handing it to you now, to your left. A little...
GLORIA
Can you move to your right maybe--
SKIP GRANGER
Um, no, that won't--
GLORIA
I can't... is that the box?
SKIP GRANGER
That's the desk, reach higher.
GLORIA
I'm sorry, I'm going to just peek--
SKIP GRANGER
NO GLORIA DON'T OPEN YOUR--
GLORIA
OH MY GOD.
SKIP GRANGER
-- EYES there it is.
GLORIA
AGENT GRANGER I'M SORRY!
SKIP GRANGER
It's fine Gloria, just--
GLORIA
IF YOU WANT I'LL NEVER OPEN MY EYES AGAIN.
SKIP GRANGER
Oh come on, it's not that bad...
GLORIA
OK. I'm OK. But Agent Granger, why are you only wearing pajama bottoms that don't fit past your calves?!?!
SKIP GRANGER
These aren't pajamas! This is supposed to be a superhero costume--
GLORIA
Oh, it's not!
SKIP GRANGER
I KNOW IT'S NOT. It was supposed to be made to my specific measurements--
GLORIA
Oh, it's not!
SKIP GRANGER
YES, GLORIA. Thank you. Look. I'm just going to have to work myself out of this...
GLORIA
OH LORD YOU'RE STUCK IN THOSE PANTS, AREN'T YOU?
SKIP GRANGER
YOU SAID YOU'D KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED!
GLORIA
I'M SORRY IT'S LIKE THAT TIME THE TRAIN NEAR MY SCHOOL DERAILED, WE KNEW WE SHOULDN'T LOOK BUT STILL!
SKIP GRANGER
Just go back to your office.
GLORIA
THANK YOU.
SKIP GRANGER
And give me some time, I have an hour until the team shows up.
GLORIA
OK. I'll do that. I need to send out the company-wide email reminding everyone to set their clocks back an hour for Daylight Savings Time anyway.
SKIP GRANGER
OK, you go do that WAIT WHAT?!
BOWDEN
Happy Fall Back day, Skip, you old GREAT SCOTT!
SKIP GRANGER
Bowden, wait, I can explain, just don't let McGrath--
MACKENZIE
Don't let me what WHY WHY WHY OH MERCIFUL GOD WHY!
SKIP GRANGER
It's a mistake, requisitions sent me someone else's package--
MACKENZIE
DO NOT SAY PACKAGE AT THIS MOMENT!
SKIP GRANGER
I tried it on, now I'm here, now I'll get out of it. Though... why don't you guys just bring me my overcoat for now.
SOUND: SKIP PUTS ON AN OVERCOAT.
SKIP GRANGER (CONT'D)
That's better.
MACKENZIE
That's better than better.
SKIP GRANGER
I'm sure requisitions mixed up my sizes with someone else's.
SOUND: DOOR OPENS
GLORIA
Agent Granger, requisitions just confirmed they got your sizes one correct. They're suggesting your thirty two inch waist is... wait, I wrote it down... 'a fantasy of Rowling-esque proportions.'
SKIP GRANGER
You tell them I'll be down later and we will discuss it further.
GLORIA
Maybe change first. Hello Miss McGrath. Hello Mister Montcrief.
BOWDEN
Hello Gloria, that's a lovely shade of lip gloss you're wearing today.
GLORIA
Oh, thank you. It's supposed to be darker but I've been applying it sparingly so as not to use up the promotional sample.
BOWDEN
It suits you.
GLORIA
Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Anyway. OK. So I'm...
SKIP GRANGER
You were going, Gloria.
GLORIA
Right. As opposed to coming. Gotcha. Requisitions, you, waistline fight. I remember now.
SOUND: DOOR CLOSES
MACKENZIE
OK. Now that this morning's Bachelor audition tape is wrapped--
BOWDEN
What? I just told her I liked her lip gloss.
MACKENZIE
Your innocence and Skip's waistline are both up for Hugo Awards.
BOWDEN
Are those like Golden Globes? I'd never stoop to accept a Golden Globe. A Kid's Choice award, now--
MACKENZIE
ANYWAY. Let's tackle the elephant in this office. Skip, why are you wearing too-small tights?
SKIP GRANGER
Because we're going here.
MACKENZIE
The Asbury Park Comics Fest?
BOWDEN
The Jersey Shore? No thank you, it's the twenty-first century, I can get all the Fentanyl and amateur porn I want online.
SKIP GRANGER
We're looking for this man, Marcus Ellsbury.
BOWDEN
Ah, a writer.
SKIP GRANGER
You know his work?
BOWDEN
No, he just looks sad.
SKIP GRANGER
This time last week, Ellsbury was at a similar convention in Frankfurt, Germany.
MACKENZIE
Ooh! Are we investigating David Hasselhoff?
SKIP GRANGER
We're not investigating 'the Hoff', as the kids today call him. We're interested in this woman, who was seen with Ellsbury in Frankfurt. Hannah Brandt, aka Die Geliebte Des Geldes.
BOWDEN
The Great Aunt and the Gelding?
SKIP GRANGER
Nnnnnno. 'The Mistress of Money'.
MACKENZIE
DuoLingo sure is free.
SKIP GRANGER
Brandt is the queen of international money laundering. Last week she was seen passing an envelope to Ellsbury in Frankfurt, after which she fell of the face of the earth.
MACKENZIE
Any idea what's in the envelope?
SKIP GRANGER
None. That's what we're going to find out. Ellsbury was not going to attend the Asbury Park festival this year--
BOWDEN
So the man does have some taste.
MACKENZIE
You ever have a Jersey shore zeppoli?
BOWDEN
That sounds like something you do in prison for an extra twenty.
SKIP GRANGER
Ellsbury was not going to attend the festival, but twenty minutes after his meeting with Brandt, he called the organizers to register at the last minute.
BOWDEN
So good old Liebes Gelding must have convinced him to do so.
MACKENZIE
Meaning that envelope is certainly bound for the home of the Boss.
BOWDEN
Chief Anders is from New Jersey?
MACKENZIE
NO. THE BOSS. ASBURY PARK. ARE YOU EVEN A REAL AMERICAN?
BOWDEN
I am, but don't tell the IRS.
SKIP GRANGER
Ellsbury only booked one day at the Fest. That gives us our opening.
MACKENZIE
Speaking of openings, watch that overcoat, Skip.
SKIP GRANGER
OK, ON TO THE PLAN!
SOUND: DOOR OPENS
GLORIA
Agent Granger? Requisitions say if you come see them this afternoon, they'll be more than happy to outfit you with an appropriately sized superhero costume.
MACKENZIE
THAT'S what that's supposed to be?!
SKIP GRANGER
A correctly sized, one, they mean.
GLORIA
OK, sure.
SKIP GRANGER
Tell them Agents Montcrief and McGrath will be with me, too, to be sized for their costumes.
MACKENZIE
Our what?
SKIP GRANGER
That's right. We're going undercover at a comic book convention. Now. Here's the plan.
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION INTO A LARGE CONVENTION HALL, GENERAL CHATTER
SKIP GRANGER
Ahhh. My Granger sense is tingling.
MACKENZIE
If you don't swear that's the last time I hear 'Granger', 'sense', and 'tingling' all together like that, I'm going back to prison.
SKIP GRANGER
McGrath! Your costume looks--
MACKENZIE
Zip it.
SKIP GRANGER
What? You look--
MACKENZIE
This character is supposed to be an Amazon princess? A paragon of feminine strength? IN A METAL BRA?
SKIP GRANGER
It's not real metal, is it?
MACKENZIE
I've felt less exposed in OB-GYN offices. What kind of sexually stunted incel thinks this is a strong woman's outfit?
SKIP GRANGER
William Moulton Marston, apparently.
MACKENZIE
Ugh, I knew it had to be someone with three names!
SKIP GRANGER
Did the costume work?
MACKENZIE
Yeah. I waltzed into the conference IT director's room like I owned the place.
SKIP GRANGER
So you were able to--
MACKENZIE
In three clicks. Security here is non-existent, it's amazing anything has gone on as scheduled.
SKIP GRANGER
So your sacrifice is worth it.
MACKENZIE
Especially when I gave the conference IT director my number.
SKIP GRANGER
You did?
MACKENZIE
Yep. Except I gave him your number.
SKIP GRANGER
How did you get my phone -– wait! Here comes our target, Ellsbury.
ELLSBURY
... COMPLETELY unacceptable, this booth is nowhere near the location I requested! It’s right next to artist’s row!
WALLACE
My apologies, sir, you were a last minute addition --
ELLSBURY
There’s so much foot traffic here! I wanted a much more private location!
MACKENZIE
... and he had one, until I got a hold of his reservation. Heh.
WALLACE
I'm truly sorry, sir, here's the number for conference management if you'd like to take it up with them.
ELLSBURY
I certainly will, and I'll be sure to tell them... what's your name?
WALLACE
Wallace, sir.
ELLSBURY
I'll be sure to tell them how singularly unhelpful you have been!
MACKENZIE
Wow. I thought comic book writers were supposed to be champions of the little guy. This douche is a mashup of 'do you know who I am' and 'can I speak to the manager'?
SKIP GRANGER
Could be nerves. If he's doing a job for Brandt and something's been disrupted, then... wait! Look!
MACKENZIE
He's dialing his phone. Probably calling management to complain.
SKIP GRANGER
No, he stuffed the card Wallace gave him in his pocket, he's calling someone else.
(dials phone) Bowden, we need you to move in.
BOWDEN (on phone)
I’ve got this.
SKIP GRANGER
He's coming out of the men's room.
MACKENZIE
OK, suddenly I feel way better about what I’m wearing.
SKIP GRANGER
But look at him, he’s so... self-possessed. Confident.
MACKENZIE
Of course he is, he’s an actor, he doesn’t know any better.
BOWDEN (playing a role)
Um, excuse me, sorry, are you Marcus Ellsbury?
ELLSBURY
What, I'm sorry, I have to make this phone call-
BOWDEN
You are! Marcus Ellsbury!
ELLSBURY
Listen, bub, I'm terribly sorry, but... wait, are you dressed as--
BOWDEN
I sure am! This is my Lord Nero of Planet Lesbos cosplay!
ELLSBURY
My first published comic! My goodness! And it's very authentic!
BOWDEN
I take pride in my work.
ELLSBURY
Where did you find those vintage roller skates? And it's the exact right shade of eyeshadow, too!
BOWDEN
Ebay on the skates, Sephora on the eyeshadow! I needed it to get the right shade to portray issue #362, when Nero infiltrated the underwater Kingdom of Dolphin Lundgren. Let me shake your hand!
ELLSBURY
And I yours! I'm sorry, though, I do need to make this call, please come to my talk this afternoon in galleria F. 'Feminism in comics, the male perspective'.
BOWDEN
I wouldn't miss it for the world!
(beat, back to Bowden)
OK, I did it. When I shook his hand, I managed to slip the device onto his phone.
SKIP GRANGER
Good job!
MACKENZIE
That costume is something, Bowden.
BOWDEN
Please. Compared to my costume when I did Rocky Horror in Denmark? I look like Tipper Gore in this thing.
SKIP GRANGER
Quiet, he's dialing! McGrath, you're sure this is going to work?
MACKENZIE
It better, it's the same device that got me twenty-five to life for listening in on Wall Street orders.
TYBORG (over a device)
Is this Ellsbury?
ELLSBURY (over the same device)
Yes. There's been a change of plan. I'm right next to artist's row.
TYBORG (over a device)
All those people milling about will complicate the handoff. Sort it out. Or there will be consequences.
ELLSBURY (over a device)
Consequences? What sort of--
SOUND: CLICK.
SKIP GRANGER
A handoff. Probably of the package Brandt gave him in Frankfurt.
MACKENZIE
Frankfurt, packages, money laundering, this is like an actual spy mission.
SKIP GRANGER
Did you isolate the location of the other party's phone?
MACKENZIE
The call was too short, all I can see is that it's in the building.
SKIP GRANGER
Good enough, let's tail Ellsbury.
SOUND: MUSICAL INTERLUDE INTER GENERAL CONFERENCE CHATTER
MACKENZIE
Granger, Montcrief, this is McGrath, I'm in position, I’ve got a bead on Ellsbury, he's--
JIMMY
Well hey there, sweetie.
MACKENZIE
Gonna need a second here, guys. Do I know you?
JIMMY
No, but I drew you. Jimmy Serafilio, comic book artist extraordinaire. I know your outfit pretty well, I drew it from oh-six to oh-nine.
MACKENZIE
I'll take your word for it.
JIMMY
You wear it very, very well, too, if I may say.
MACKENZIE
You may not.
JIMMY
Well, I did anyway.
MACKENZIE
Ohhhhkay. One of those.
JIMMY
So later on, this convention is honoring me, there's going to be a big retrospective of my work. Might I be able to convince you to attend?
SKIP GRANGER (over device)
McGrath, is everything OK? Are you tailing Ellsbury?
MACKENZIE
Yep, and I picked up my own tail.
JIMMY
Oh, is that your boyfriend?
MACKENZIE
Dude, I really have someplace I have to--
JIMMY
Sure, you cosplay girls are all the same, dress for the attention until you get it. Catch you later.
SKIP GRANGER
McGrath, everything OK?
MACKENZIE
Am I sanctioned to murder people on these missions?
SKIP GRANGER
Are you kidding? Anders won’t even reimburse me for parking.
MACKENZIE
Anyway. I'm on Ellsbury. He's meeting someone, shaking hands...
BOWDEN (over device)
Just a fan, it looks like.
SKIP GRANGER
Montcrief, you're on Ellsbury, too?
BOWDEN (over device)
Yep, from the opposite end of the hall, Chili Dog Stand.
MACKENZIE
Don't fill up on those, you don't want to bust out of your costume.
BOWDEN (over device)
I once had a costume malfunction at the Kennedy Center, flashed Rosalynn Carter full frontal. There was a complimentary can of peanuts in my dressing room the next day.
MACKENZIE
Hold the phone. Ellsbury has stopped again.
BOWDEN (over device)
Could be another fan encounter...
MACKENZIE
No, he just took something out of his man purse.
BOWDEN (over device)
That's a satchel.
MACKENZIE
Not on him it's not. It's a manila envelope--
SKIP GRANGER
Brandt gave him a manila envelope in Frankfurt! You've got to move in--
BOWDEN (over device)
Hold the phones, he's got two manila envelopes.
SKIP GRANGER
Two?
MACKENZIE
He's right, there are two.
SKIP GRANGER
That's unexpected.
MACKENZIE
Yeah, the man Ellsbury is talking to agrees. He's pissed.
BOWDEN (over device)
Agreed, he's "Alec Baldwin parking" angry.
SKIP GRANGER
Ellsbury must have strayed from the plan.
MACKENZIE
Wait! We can listen in through the device we planted on the phone--
SOUND: THE DEVICE TUNING IN....
ELLSBURY (over device)
-- don't trust Brandt any further than I can throw her, so this is my insurance policy. I have two envelopes here and only I know which one you want.
TYBORG (over device)
You should have worked out your issues in Frankfurt. This puts me in a very difficult position.
ELLSBURY (over device)
Only difficult if you weren't going to pay me. I want the money in my account by noon. Then we'll arrange a handoff.
SOUND: THE DEVICE CUTS OUT
BOWDEN (over device)
Ellsbury's going in one direction, his contact in the other.
SKIP GRANGER
McGrath, try to get close enough snap a picture of the contact.
MACKENZIE
On it.
SOUND: MUSICAL INTERLUDE
RANDO 1
Diana! Lemme get a picture, Diana?!
MACKENZIE
JESUS CHRISTMAS DON'T YOU TROGLODYTES GET ENOUGH FREE PORN ONLINE?!
RANDO 2
Free porn ain't saucy like you!
MACKENZIE
Granger, you owe me for this BIG.
Ellsbury's contact has stopped, he's looking over a booth of comic books.
SKIP GRANGER (over device)
Can you sneak in for a pic?
MACKENZIE
I think so. He hasn't noticed me. He's totally engrossed in--
JIMMY
So, I see you couldn't get enough of me after all?
MACKENZIE
Oh, no. Not you again.
JIMMY
It's my booth, you turned up here, you're the one doing the work to find me--
MACKENZIE
Hold that thought. And please, nothing else.
SOUND: PICS BEING SNAPPED.
JIMMY
Wow, I didn't think you had any taste.
MACKENZIE
What's that supposed to mean?
JIMMY
Just that not a lot of people outside of the industry know who Julius Tyborg is, but you're running him down for a snapshot.
MACKENZIE
Oh. Well. You know how it is.
JIMMY
I can tell you a lot of stories about ol' J-Tie, you got the time later on.
MACKENZIE
No, that's really OK, I--
JIMMY
Tell you what, here's the keycard to my hotel room, you mosey on up there after the con wraps up, I'll give you the skinny on anything you want to know.
MACKENZIE
I'd rather wear this costume every day for the rest of my life.
JIMMY
I see no downside here.
MACKENZIE
Ugh.
SOUND: MACKENZIE RUNNING OFF
JIMMY
Technically that wasn't a no!
SOUND: MUSIC TRANSITION
MACKENZIE (over device)
Bowden! I’ve got a picture of Ellsbury’s contact, it’s some dude named Julius Tyborg.
BOWDEN
Excellent. Print a mask of him, and I’ll meet you at--
ANNIE
Well, well, well. Bowden Montcrief.
BOWDEN
I'm sorry, do I know OH MY GOD.
ANNIE
Mm-hmm. My eyes are still up here, though I knew you'd remember me better from that angle.
BOWDEN
It’s good to see you... Kelly!
ANNIE
Try again.
BOWDEN
It’s good to see you... Stella!
ANNIE
Third time's the charm.
BOWDEN
OK, look, why don't you just--
ANNIE
ANNIE. ANNIE WILLMONT FROM THE SIOUX FALLS PLAYHOUSE.
BOWDEN
Annie! Right on the tip of my tongue! How's the acting going?
ANNIE
I'm working a comic-con selling superhero-themed juuls to vaping hipsters, how do you think it's going?
BOWDEN
Um.... better than Lori Loughlin!
ANNIE
I'd ask if you're doing any better, but clearly you’re not.
BOWDEN
Hey now, I’ve been doing just fine...
ANNIE
Uh-huh. I’d love to hear this line of bull, but I’ve got to get over to the teen writer’s workshops, they’ve been my best customers.
BOWDEN (calling after her)
Now wait just a minute! I'm working right now on a noble, top secret mission that I can't--
ELLSBURY
Hey, what?
BOWDEN
I'm sorry, who's that now OH FOR THE LOVE OF--
ELLSBURY
You said you were a big fan, here to meet me, but you're doing 'top secret work'!?
BOWDEN
No, you misheard me, I said... Top Secret still works, all these years later! Hoo boy, that Val Kilmer--
SOUND: CLICK.
BOWDEN (CONT'D)
Is that a gun in your pocket or eh screw it.
ELLSBURY
Start walking.
SOUND: MUSICAL INTERLUDE INTO GENERAL CROWD NOISE
SKIP GRANGER
McGrath, where's Bowden?
MACKENZIE
Isn't he tailing Ellsbury?
SKIP GRANGER
I thought so, but then his communications dropped off.
MACKENZIE
Well, I got a picture of Ellsbury's contact. His name is Julius Tyborg.
SKIP GRANGER
Lemme look him up online.
MACKENZIE
What is he, an arms dealer? Drug runner? International terrorist kingpin with a leather fetish?
SKIP GRANGER
He’s... the world's foremost collector of Omega Red comic books.
MACKENZIE
OK, my first question: Omega Red?
SKIP GRANGER
It's a propaganda comic written by Oleg Kryshelnikov in the nineteen-sixties about an elite Soviet spy unit battling the evil forces of the decadent West.
MACKENZIE
My second question... though I want to get back to that comic, cause it sounds super interesting.
SKIP GRANGER
I know, right?
MACKENZIE
Sort of a reaction to James Bond?
SKIP GRANGER
In a medium where you can really twist the narrative tropes and structures of a spy novel.
MACKENZIE
I was thinking the same thing! But also, WHAT THE HELL, HE'S JUST ANOTHER COMICS GUY?
SKIP GRANGER
A very unique comics guy. His sole interest is Omega Red, he has no other collections.
SOUND: SOMEONE ON ROLLER SKATES ROLLS UP AND STOPS
SKIP GRANGER
McGrath, look out!
BOWDEN
Hey guys!
MACKENZIE
Where’d you learn to skate like that!
BOWDEN
Starlight Express Canadian tour! But we’ve gotta get out of here, I --
ELLSBURY (in the distance)
SECURITY! LORD NERO OF PLANET LESBOS STOLE MY ENVELOPE!
BOWDEN
Yep, I did that.
MACKENZIE
Wait, I've got a place we can hide! In the hotel! Room four-nine-two!
SKIP GRANGER
Let’s split up and meet there!
BOWDEN
LORD NERO AWAY!
SOUND: BRIEF MUSICAL CHASE INTO HOTEL HALLWAY AMBIENCE
MACKENZIE (CONT'D)
Skip! You got away!
SKIP GRANGER
Yes, I found a cosplay meet up, completely lost him in there. My costume isn't very original.
MACKENZIE
Now we just have to hope Bowden got away.
BOWDEN
He did.
MACKENZIE
JESUS, Bowden--
BOWDEN
I had no time, so I gave this outfit's owner a hundred cash, then pulled an epic quick change.
MACKENZIE
If you were going to dress up as a Skywalker twin, though, I'd have pegged you for more of a Luke.
BOWDEN
I make this Leia pop. It's all about the wig and the working it.
SKIP GRANGER
OK, let's get inside this room before someone spots us.
SOUND: A DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, HALLWAY AMBIENCE DROPS OUT
BOWDEN
How'd you get this room key?
MACKENZIE
Save it for the debrief. So what's in the envelope you stole from Ellsbury?
BOWDEN
My guess is cash. Some massive bank note that Ellsbury had to smuggle.
SKIP GRANGER
I'm going with incriminating photos. Brandt could be blackmailing Julius Tyborg.
MACKENZIE
It's... a comic book.
SKIP GRANGER
It's a what?
MACKENZIE
Yep. Andromeda Force, issue five. Published nineteen sixty-eight.
SKIP GRANGER
Flip through it, there must be something hidden in there.
BOWDEN
Nope. Nothing but good old sixties American sci-fi, white men in buzz cuts saving the universe.
SKIP GRANGER
This doesn't make any sense. Why go through all this trouble for a comic?
BOWDEN
Ellsbury had a second envelope on him. Whatever Brandt wanted him to bring into the country has to be in that other envelope. So let's--
MACKENZIE
Ho. ly. Crap. This son of a--
SKIP GRANGER
McGrath, what's wrong? What did you find?
MACKENZIE
Pictures, right here on the table.
BOWDEN
What are these, what am I looking at here... OH SWEET DAME JUDI DENSCH, I know what that is.
MACKENZIE
It appears the occupant of this room who lent me his key card has a little side project. He must have a camera under his booth so he can take upskirt shots of women in revealing cosplays.
BOWDEN
Man. That’s skeevy. And I’ve met Bryan Singer.
SKIP GRANGER
Let’s keep our eyes on the mission. It's almost noon. That's the deadline Ellsbury gave Tyborg to put the money in his account. McGrath. Have you got a good enough photo of Tyborg to build a mask of his face?
MACKENZIE
I sure do.
SOUND: THE MASK IS PRINTED
SKIP GRANGER
And Bowden, is the recording of that phone call enough for you to learn Tyborg's voice?
BOWDEN
Worst case, I can Rich Little it.
SKIP GRANGER
All right. Then this is the plan.
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION INTO CON FLOOR
ELLSBURY
Yes, thank you, no worries at all. You sure you don't want it autographed, just an extra twenty... no, OK, fine, you cantankerous sniveling little--
(phone buzzes)
Yes. It's in the account? Hold one minute while I confirm.
(tap tap tap)
Very good. Meet me outside Conference Room L in five minutes.
SOUND: QUICK MUSICAL TRANSITION, STILL ON CON FLOOR
ELLSBURY (CONT'D)
Thank you for understanding my need for security.
TYBORG
We've little time. My sources tell me you lost an envelope.
ELLSBURY
I lost an envelope. Not the envelope. Here's your precious contraband.
SOUND: SOMETHING IS PASSED
ELLSBURY (CONT'D)
Good bye.
SOUND: ELLSBURY WALKS AWAY, THEN SKIP SAYS, APPROACHING...
SKIP GRANGER
Great work Bowden.
TYBORG
Thanks. Is he gone?
SKIP GRANGER
Yep.
SOUND: MASK PULLED OFF
BOWDEN
God, those masks make you sweat.
SKIP GRANGER
I knew this whole ordeal couldn't have been over a simple comic book. What's in the envelope?
BOWDEN
It's... a comic book! The same comic that was in the other envelope!
SKIP GRANGER
What?!
BOWDEN
Andromeda Force, issue five. It's even got the same wear and tear on the cover.
SKIP GRANGER
No. No no no! We've been had, I don't know how, but we've been had!
BOWDEN
Granger, wait, we don't--
MACKENZIE
Skip, what are you--
SOUND: TEARING PAPER
SKIP GRANGER
I'm just angry, damn it! I don't know what sort of fast one they're pulling on us, but I'm not going to let them do it, I--
ANNIE
Hey, Bowden! Warn your friend that people at a comic book convention frown on people tearing up comics in the middle of the floor!
SKIP GRANGER
Bowden, do you know this woman?
BOWDEN
Oh yes, yes, of course, old actor friend, we go way back to--
ANNIE
I made the mistake of sleeping with him while doing Summer Stock. He ghosted me after. I should've seen it coming, we were performing 'Ghosts'.
BOWDEN
Well, this has been a fun little--
ANNIE
Of course then I found out he'd done the same thing to another actress the year before, and another the year before that--
BOWDEN
WE MUST DO THIS AGAIN SOME TIME.
ANNIE
And I must introduce you to my new boyfriend, he and I have been seeing a lot of each other since I started working the comic circuit. He's very important, you know.
SKIP GRANGER
Miss, this is all very interesting, but perhaps you could--
ANNIE
His name is Julius Tyborg.
SKIP GRANGE
-- you could tell us whatever you like about your new boyfriend!
MACKENZIE
Yes, please, spare no details.
BOWDEN
As I recall, she never did.
ANNIE
You never had it so good. Anyway. Julius is super rich, relatively un-gay in comparison to my recent dating vintage, and by the end of the day, a very rich man.
BOWDEN
Really?
ANNIE
Mm-hmm. He's going to acquire the crown jewel of his collection. Andromeda Force issue five.
(a pause)
I see you're suitably impressed.
MACKENZIE
That's one word for it.
SKIP GRANGER
I thought Julius Tyborg only collected Omega Red comics.
ANNIE
HA! You do know who he is! I knew this wasn't a repeat of the Tommy Wiseau incident! And yes, Julie-kins only collects Omega Red comics, but as anyone who's anyone knows, Omega Red shows up on the last page of Andromeda Force issue five as an emissary of the Russian government! It was meant to be a big Cold War crossover! But public pressure caused the publisher to call it off after one proof leaked!
SKIP GRANGER
One proof?
ANNIE
That's right. There's only one Andromeda Force issue five in the entire world. It's worth millions! Julius wants me to be with him when he collects it from its courier in the next five minutes, so I've got to go. It's been fun. Toodles, Bowden!
SOUND: PAGES RUSTLING.
SKIP GRANGER
Last page last page last page...
BOWDEN
There's Omega Red. In that little piece, right there.
MACKENZIE
The comic in the envelope you stole earlier, Bowden, that must have been a forgery.
BOWDEN
Of course! That way Tyborg had to pay Ellsbury to be sure he was getting the real comic.
MACKENZIE
And now...
SKIP GRANGER
And now I’ve destroyed a million dollar comic book.
BOWDEN
Chin up, Skip, it’s no worse than what the Spider-Man musical did.
MACKENZIE
Um, guys? Look over by the chili dog stand.
SKIP GRANGER
Is that...
BOWDEN
Yep. The real Tyborg has found Ellsbury. They appear to be having... words.
SKIP GRANGER
Oh... oh dear. Let's scram.
MACKENZIE
Hold on...
SKIP GRANGER
McGrath, we have to go.
MACKENZIE
Give me one minute, please.
WALLACE
Ladies and gentlemen, if I may direct your attention to the center of the conference hall, we're going to begin our afternoon session: the work of artist Jimmy Serafilio! Let's give him a big hand!
SOUND: INSTEAD OF APPLAUSE, THERE IS A CHORUS OF ‘BOOS’
JIMMY
Hey, hey! What’s going on—-
WOMAN 1
You’re scum, Serafilio!
WOMAN 2
Explain this picture, jerk!
WOMAN 3
Two minutes! I talked to you for two minutes!
JIMMY
WHOA WHOA WHOA!
BOWDEN
Why are all those women accosting that man and waiving their phones?
MACKENZIE
Because the data security at this convention is for crap.
SKIP
So?
MACKENZIE
So it took me all of five minutes to email a scan of Jimmy’s upskirt photos to every female attendee at the convention.
SOUND: BOOING, JIMMY BEGGING FOR QUIET
SKIP GRANGER
Have we done enough damage here?
MACKENZIE
Money launderers at each other's' throats, perv comic book author outed, I'd say we're done.
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION INTO OFFICE AMBIENCE
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
So to summarize. Ellsbury has vanished. Brandt is completely incommunicado and will likely stay that way. And Julius Tyborg has similarly ghosted the world, having posted bail in Asbury Park Court on Monday after starting a brawl in the convention center food court.
SKIP GRANGER
Yes, well, it's just a good thing the security guards were on their union-mandated chili dog break.
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
You mean lunch break.
SKIP GRANGER
No, chili dog break. New Jersey labor unions are weird.
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Well. On one hand, we've lost sight of every suspect in the case.
SKIP GRANGER
True. And I bear full responsibility for the failure of--
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
On the other hand--
SKIP GRANGER
Yes?
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
You determined they were using a rare comic book, bought with ill-gotten gains in Russia to be sold legitimately in the US, as a means of laundering money. And you stopped that laundering from taking place.
SKIP GRANGER
Well, I'm more than happy to take credit for--
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
On the other hand--
SKIP GRANGER
I'm going to just wait till you tell me you're done.
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
There's still the matter of McGrath interjecting herself into matters to out this... Jimmy Serafilio as a voyeur.
SKIP GRANGER
Ah. Yes. Miss McGrath. She has a certain... distaste for authority.
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
The EMF is one of the most secretive organizations in the intelligence community. Only two elected officials even know we exist, and one of them thinks our function is observing the migratory patterns of wild parakeets.
SKIP GRANGER
I know, I spent my first six months here in charge of mock parakeet analysis.
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
We can't afford to risk exposure.
SKIP GRANGER
So... will McGrath be punished?
SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
I can't have agents going rogue. But I've also spent twenty years at this job. And if I can't give a euphemistic fist bump to an agent for outing a misogynistic pervert, then frankly I've wasted my time. Tell McGrath she gets away with this one. But I’m keeping an eye on her.
SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION
GLORIA
Oh my! And then what!
BOWDEN
I sidled up right next to him, and took a deep breath, and said... mind you, this is after ten minutes with only a scratch recording...
TYBORG
We've little time. My sources tell me you lost an envelope.
GLORIA
Oh, Agent Montcrief--
BOWDEN
Please, Bowden.
MACKENZIE
Please, Bowden.
BOWDEN
McGrath, what are you doing here?
MACKENZIE
Waiting for Skip to sign off on my mission file. Part of my plea deal.
GLORIA
Ooh, my lunch minute is up, I have to get back to work. Till later, Bowden?
BOWDEN (CONT'D)
Till later.
SOUND: GLORIA GIGGLES AS SHE LEAVES.
MACKENZIE
So Bowden? Just to let you know. If you even think about hurting Gloria the way you hurt miss three-time- loser actress cum' vape salesladay we met in Asbury--
BOWDEN
Who, Stella?
MACKENZIE
ANNIE. GOOD GOD IT WAS THIS MORNING.
BOWDEN
Right, her. And Gloria... she... I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
MACKENZIE
How you’re not going to hurt Gloria.
BOWDEN
Oh, don’t be silly, I’d never hurt Gloria.
MACKENIZE
I know. Because if you did, I’d kill you. With a spider robot.
BOWDEN
Ha! Spider robot, that’s... that’s, um... you’re serious?
MACKENIZE
Pro-tip. When someone who’s been sentenced to life threatens you, err on the side of caution.
BOWDEN
Oh. Uh. OK. I mean, I won’t.
MACKENIZE
Good talk. Shame you have to go now.
BOWDEN
OK. Right.
SOUND: DOOR CLOSES AS BOWDEN LEAVES. THEN FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.
SKIP GRANGER
McGrath, you're here, good.
MACKENZIE
All right. What message are you here to give me from Anders?
SKIP GRANGER
What... what makes you say--
MACKENZIE
You can approve my records with a phone call, yet here I stand waiting for some bureaucratic ‘T’ to be crossed.
SKIP GRANGER
Right. So. Anders just wanted me to tell you, your stunt this morning...
MACKENZIE
She doesn’t want me to risk exposing the agency so from now on she’ll have her eye on me or some damn patriarchal--
SKIP GRANGER
She’s a woman, so matriarchal, but... yes. How’d you—-
MACKENZIE
That’s what you people do.
SKIP GRANGER
Us people?
MACKENZIE
Overseers. State’s attorneys. Wardens. Suits. You people.
SKIP GRANGER
I’m not... that’s not me.
MACKENZIE
No. You’re just their messenger. Call me little sister, Skip. Cause all you are is Big Brother.
(beat)
Don’t feel bad, bud. I knew what I was signing up for. Besides, in a way, this was the perfect mission for our little squad.
SKIP GRANGER
How so?
MACKENZIE
It proved that, sometimes, the most valuable hero is the one who shows up where he's least expected.
MUSIC: THE THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by John Dowgin and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.
It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarkpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice. The Righteously Angry Women were Ashley Banks, Katie Barlow and Mylene Kerschner.
Guest starring were Ashley Banks as Ocean Girl, Thom Boyer as Marcus Ellsbury, Matt Lafaruge as Julius Tyborg, Jill Ivey as Annie Wilmont and Bob Killion as Jimmy Serafillio and The Admiral.
Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry. Additional recording by Karen Yang.
Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter and Instagram @MissionRejected. Support us on Patreon for exclusive content, bonus audio and more at www.patreon.com/missionrejected. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2019 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
SOUND: MANY ANGRY FEMALE VOICES IN A MEETING HALL
WALLACE
Ladies, ladies, if I may have your attention... (everyone calms down) Thank you. On behalf of the convention, thank you for agreeing to come tonight, and I’m sure we can reach an amicable solution to this class action lawsuit in a speedy fashion. Now. Before we begin, Mister Serafilio would like to say something.
JIMMY
Thanks, Mike.
WALLACE
It’s Wallace.
JIMMY
Anyway. So. Ladies. Before we begin, I just want to say that... I think we can all agree that we’re all victims here—-
SOUND: RIGHTEOUS CHAOS
MUSIC: STINGER